Conversations about Famous People

Its gossip time!

2007-11-13T03:42:00.001Z

YES! Im posting celebrity photos, a tad bit of gossip...check it out on www.hellodollface.com!

Whats Up?

2007-04-10T03:21:00.000+01:00

Let's be Myspace friends. **Click here to add me.**

**Go here** to order my high-larious, Hollywood satire-ish novel called A Thousand Dollars for A Kiss. I got an email from Britney Spears who loved the book and read it during her stay at Promises. Right back atcha Brit! BFF forever, girlfriend!

Meet me for a jolly good time at Vroman's Bookstore in Pasadena on May 3rd at 7:oo pm.

2006-09-23T20:26:00.000+01:00

Hey there!

Be sure to visit me on my beauty blog, http://hellodollface.blogspot.com/

and my writers site, http://conversationsfamouswriters.blogspot.com/

And be sure to look on Amazon.com and Barnes&Noble.com in November for my novel, A Thousand Dollars for a Kiss.

Thanks to every single one of you who visited this site and supported my year of celebrity gossip!

MORE FAMOUS PEOPLE BLOG

2006-02-26T20:57:00.000Z

Please go to

http://morefamouspeople.blogspot.com/

http://morefamouspeople.blogspot.com/

FYI

2006-02-24T22:02:00.000Z

I KNOW. The slow loading page is driving me to drink and dabble in illegal drugs. Just like Pete Doherty!

I'm moving to a new page so bear with me while I get it together.

In the meantime, I just posted an interview with Rent star Anthony Rapp. And be sure to travel over to the fashion blog and discuss some Project Runway with us! And check out the cool Human Rights Campaign tee shirts by Marc Jacobs!

Random photos and linkage

2006-02-22T00:00:00.000Z

Nick wants half of everything in the divorce. He wants half of the money and the jewelry he bought Jessica. When Newlyweds began, he was best known for being the lead singer of the boy band, O-Town. I mean, N*SYNC. Or was it The Backdoor Boys? Either way, she catapulted to fame while he was forced to live in the shadow of his wife. That must have sucked!

Now Jessica is dating Adam Levine, singer from Maroon 5. Do you think she would learn her lesson and date a non-singer? How about that nice boy, Ryan Seacrest, wouldn't they make an equally tan couple? Anyway, Nick and Papa Joe almost got in a fight, over this whole divorce kerfluffle. Bring it on old man!

This is Whitney's Crack on Ice look. Do you think she should have left the babushka at home or taken off the coat? Why only one glove? Because two would have taken a rather subtle outfit too far.

Scarlett Johansson looks like someone put her under a dermatologist's mirror and showed her what skin damage is. She glows! Rather than find her tropically cancerous skin condition attractive, I think she resembles a sixty year old socialite from Boca Raton with bad botox.

When asked if he was dating Teri Hatcher, George Clooney replied with an enthusiastic, "Hell to the No!" But he is sneaking around with Ms. Bulimia Squishy Cheeks herself, Ms. Renee Zellweger. The two dated a while ago and have been seen together recently.

With nothing better to do than think about creative ways to keep Katie's pillow from looking stale, Tom is considering a lawsuit. He wants to sue Life & Style for printing those awful lies about he and his lady love Katie splitting up. Nothing is further from the truth! They are so happy and in love, witness his fingers digging deep into the fleshy skin of her upper arm in the above photo.

Sienna Miller is usually downright pretty. But here, not so much. Sienna reminds me of a teenage boy wearing his sisters clothes in the above photo. No offense to teenage boys.

This is almost a nip slip! Better have the double sided tape ready.

Modest and ethereal. I like it. Mischa Barton looks like an angel. But she is filled with devish hatred for a certain someone. Cat fight! Bring it on bitches!

Oh dear. It's the Statue of Liberty on crack.

Earlier this day, Jennifer Love Hewitt was shopping at the Hustler store. So rest assured she is wearing crotchless panties made of chocolate. Also, it was her birthday. I sent her a support bra and a bottle of hair dye. Her beehive is too dark and her boobs are drifting too far south.

Haylie Duff turned 30 and had a party...but I was not invited. That was a real surprise actually. She and I, we're tight. Anyway, isn't her dress quite similar to the one Paris wore to her birthday party? Who forgot to tell me the dress du jour was a hot pink satin number with black lace? Gah! I wore the bright blue tube top with satin hot pants and thigh high boots. Once again, I missed the dress code.

I feel so sorry for Charlize. Not only is she super ugly but look at those sausage legs, poor girl.

(kidding, people, I'm kidding!)

Y'all Britney went to Maui for some sun and relaxation with Little P. Yup. Kevin is nowhere to be seen. Like, duh! He's busy in the studio making his music.

Oye vey! Isn't this guy behind bars or detoxing somewhere? Pete Doherty said Kate Moss called him and that she still loves him! Yes! Is that the pink elephants talking or are the unicorns riding over the rainbow again?

Ralph, or Rafe as you like to be called, listen. ..You didn't have to bring a high priced hooker to the awards show! All I ask for is a nice bottle of wine and maybe a good dinner, a fancy dress and a pair of Jimmy Choos. Why, you didn't have to shell out thousands to bring that rental girl with you!

Aren't you petrified the world knows your secret? Or was dating a sixty-one year old woman embarrassing enough? Either way, call me for the Oscars, love. Im available at a moments notice. And I have a buy one-get one free coupon I'm willing to extend as well.

*photos from JJB, Gossiprocks, Saving Face

Eva's Panties

2006-02-21T23:55:00.000Z

Eva and Fergie: a duo in facial shine. Get some blotting papers girls!

A guy tried to run off with Eva Longoria’s underpants on the set of Desperate Housewives. I guess you can say he was desperate. I can think of nothing I would want less than a pair of someone else's underpants. I wonder if they contained incriminating DNA, that's worth much more. Has she spent time with Paris Hilton lately? How about Clay Aiken?

The man simply wanted to earn a buck or two by auctioning off the offending garments on ebay. That’s a likely explanation. Why else would you want Eva’s panties? That’s simply gross, especially if they came out of the basket marked, Dirty Laundry. Security guards chased the man off the premises before he could make his way to Marcia Cross’s dressing room. Oddly, a jock strap was found in Nicolette Sheridan’s wardrobe.

Eat Angie, Eat!

2006-02-21T23:43:00.000Z

empty calories!

they think they can escape the paparazzi?

Angelina as a child

see the guy holding Angie's purse? I want one of those

Angelina Jolie has been told by her dcotors to chow down and put some weight on her skinny bones. Angie, as I call her, should be gaining weight in anticipation of the World's Most Beautiful Baby, instead she is starving herself. She needs to take a page out of Britney Spear's pre-natal guide and make herself some mayonaisse sandwiches and deep fry a couple of Twinkies. Secretly, I think Brad likes his women skinny. Brad encourages his girlfriends/wives to stay super- skinny and in return he will dye his hair to match theirs. It's true. For that alone I could never be involved with Brad. I like to eat!

Angie has gained twelve pounds thus far and is risking her baby’s health if she doesn’t start eating more. She’s in france! Croissants and fine baked goods, breads and chocolates abound, what's the problem? I would probably tip the scales at over 200 lbs if I were to move to France. Oh wait, French Women Don't Get Fat!

Brad and Angie are setting up house in France just like Johnny Depp. They are doing this in hopes that the paparazzi will leave them alone and they can be a private, normal family... normal Forget it!

The relocation makes it very difficult for Aunt Jennifer and Uncle Vince to come visit and babysit the infant who is rumored to be a boy and be called either William or Marlow. Plus, I don't ship gifts internationally so they can forget about a pair of mini distressed jeans from Auntie DJ.

Celine and her crazy face

2006-02-21T23:23:00.000Z

Celine Dion and Elton John sang together at a benefit to raise money for workers affected by Hurricane Katrina. The show was "aimed at helping some 8,000 workers of Harrah's Entertainment Inc. (the company had casinos in the Gulf Coast region)." (people.com)

The only thing worse than a night full of Celine Dion ballads is a night of Celine’s funky expressions which are downright frightful. The woman has a powerful voice, there is no doubt but her facial contortions rival Jim Carrey's. A face of silly putty yet the voice of an angel.

More Paris?

2006-02-21T05:24:00.000Z

Val and Paris in 'Wonderland'

Paris and her 'friend', Nicole Lenz

Sleazy photos of Paris Hilton and Val Kilmer are circulating, so consider yourself warned. The hot and heavy sex- a- thon has been captured in photos and the pix are said to have come from her vault of personal items. You know the storage facility where she forgot to pay her bill. Oops!

The pictures leave nothing to the imagination and I for one, don't want to see a bloated, boozy Val and a nude Paris romping around, you can get an STD just by looking at her. Ironically, Val also dated Zeta Graff, ex-girlfriend of Paris’s ex, Paris Latsis. So sleeping with Val was like sleeping with Zeta who also slept with Paris. It's just one big cesspool of disease with undertones of syphilis! Im going blind!

Now another X-rated video is rumored to have surfaced, this time PH goes Girls Gone Wild with Playboy model Nicole Lenz. One Night in Paris pales in comparison to this new tape. Lesbian action and sex play ensue...according to hearsay and gossip, Paris and Nicole decided to hole up at a luxury suite at the Bellagio Hotel (not the Hilton Flamingo?) after a night of drinking and partying on the strip. What are two girls to do when it's not yet time for their beauty sleep? Why not...make a porn? You know, those Gideons leave the Bible in the hotel room for a purpose, hint hint Paris. I'm surprised her cooter isnt held together with duct tape at this point. Maybe it is...

Says Nicole, "The moment we were in the room Paris had only one thing on her mind - sex. We lied down on a king size bed and took it in turns to play with each other. It wasn't long before we were naked and rolling around together." The two horny broads played with sex toys for hours, recording it all! Good thing Paris taught Tinkerbell how to work the video recorder.

Of course all parties involved deny the steamy night ever happened. We'll see when Two Nights, a Banana and a Curling Iron in Paris is available at your neighborhood video store.

Random

2006-02-20T06:36:00.000Z

Natalie Portman, she is too pretty. But did she have a little help at one point?

Jessica Simpson totes her hairdresser Ken Paves around like he is a portable Malibu Ken doll while she's sporting the synthetic Barbie doll hair. I can't wait to see Jessica in her new movie roll where she plays a Wal* Mart cashier. I hope she wears a shapeless blue smock.

See what happens when you leave your pregnant girlfriend for a younger woman? Billy Crudup was actually rather hot before he got involved with Claire Danes. She hits him with the ugly stick every night before they go to bed. He's got crazy eyes!

Nicole Kidman better stop with the hair dye and diet pills because she's losing her pretty tresses. She's going bald! This is very severe. Maybe its a side effect from having the chip removed from her brain after the spaceship took her up to the intergalactic hideout of Ron Hubbard during her marriage to Tom. Could be.

MK Olsen had Bob Saget hot glue Mariah Carey's Lady Godiva extensions onto her head. Here's a tip: fake, long, pretend hair isn't pretty. Do you really want to look like a cartoon of a mermaid? How about a Kinkajou monkey wearing a Star Jones Wig?

This bitch never smiles! I would have a grin on my face all day and night if I had ridiculous amounts of cash like the Olsen twins, yet her mug is always in a scowl or pucker. Lighten up and count your jillions!

I try not to post porn so excuse this photo. Tom is whiter than Ryan Seacrest's bleached teeth after a Zoom session. Like Katie really sleeps with that apparition? Please. Disgusting! I bet he smells like novacaine and ammonia.

And Katie, Burberry plaid is so yesterday! Clearly you are too busy with your robotic instruction to keep up with fashion. Let the Scientology handlers know that you can shop on your own, okay?

Belly Watch: medium to large, mid-range.

K. Fed Bomb

2006-02-20T06:21:00.000Z

Cornrows and a bodyguard are tight!

You bitches, its me, K. Fed comin atcha. Yo. Let me lay out there for you. I’s in the studio day and night workin’ on my new single which is droppin’ like a K Fed bomb soon. My rap song is called, Shizzle on my Swizzle. Yo man, the shit is tight. Peeps all up in my Kool-aid, shit. I'm keepin' it real and aint frontin' and when it hits the air, youre gonna know it.

Did you see my interview with that magazine? I dont know what one. What you think I am? Im a rapper not no scholar, yo! News…something. Newday. Newsmuntz. I’s tellin’ them that no matter how good of a rapper I is, and I'm good, peeps findin’ something to pick on me for. Yeah. Dats right. Everybodies ear hustlin and writin' shit about me. Yo man, Im just here tryin' to get my swirl on. Woo woo!

If you take a notice, my PopoZao gots 2 million hits man. My shit is the macaroni wit da cheez. You know it. Now Is tole Brit I don’t want her on my album. Its gonna be a hit. Real crunk. I don’t need her coming in my studio and messin shit up. She don’t know nada about rap, man, it takes talent. Talentizzle. My muzic is off da miz-onkey.

Heres what Im saying' "We have collaborated. But I'm not going to put the songs on this album because it's like, 'Respect me first; then I'll show you what I've done with my wife.'"

Show me some respect man, I deservizzle it!

Paris turns 25!

2006-02-20T06:04:00.000Z

Paris Hilton turned 25 on February 17th which means she and I both fall under the astrological sign of Aquarius. Many Aquarians have mental problems, it's a proven fact and a reason why I'm so fond of my "happy pills" which Tom Cruise is trying to wean me off of. Paris is also known to have a delicate emotional constitution. Who would have thought we were alike in any way? Aside from that, the things Paris and I have in common ends abruptly.

In the above photos, either Paris is bloated or has a belly full of semen from a fellow party-goer, perhaps many deposits were made in the bank of Hilton that evening. We will never know because Paris doesn't kiss and tell. She does however, take copious notes and lock her journals in storage facilities. She also is open to video taping her exploits so stay tuned for a video surfacing on the internet.

In other P. Hilton news, she cites drugged out rocker Pete Doherty as a musical influence. Yes, you read that correctly. Click here for the full story. She wants to jump his fragile and coke- filled bones. Why? Because Kate Moss did and she's hot!

Cameron's run- in with a bird

2006-02-20T05:40:00.000Z

According to the Mirror, Cameron Diaz was almost killed....by a bird. Seriously!

Since she is a Big Movie Star, she wouldn’t be caught driving herself around, instead her chauffer was at the wheel of a silver Range Rover when a carnivorous bird with giant wings and a pointy beak answering to the name Britney came swooping down, cracking the glass and showering Cam with dangerous shards! Now she has an excuse to apply band-aids to her many oozing zits under the guise of her "lacerations".

Her driver remained cool and collected, as if a killer bird smashing into cars was totally normal in England. I don't know, is it? I would never be in a moving vehicle with Cam, that chick is a walking disaster prone to broken bones and missteps. It wasn’t so long ago that she was climbing on top of a dresser when she took a tumble. (probably drug related). Another time she had a surf boarding accident (perhaps she was drunk) and before that there were other accidents, too many to count. Lesson learned? Stay away from Cameron. Even though she is filthy rich and dating Justin Timberlake, the risks you take while being in her clutzy presence simply isn't worth the company.

Oh Dear, Britney....

2006-02-19T04:55:00.000Z

disease contraction

reckless Cheeto consumption

child endangerment

cell phone + gas = explosion

POPZAO! KABOOOOM!

Britney needs a crash course in the dangers of life and all the many rules we peons must follow on a daily basis. She walks into a fecal- and- urine infested gas station restroom, eats junk food, smokes cigarettes, chats on her cell phone despite the obvious large warnings on the gas pump that warns against cell usage. Does she think rules were made to be broken? Yes, she does.

TMZ has a video she might be interested in...

Nicole cries

2006-02-19T04:42:00.000Z

Nicole is in tears because she just ate a french fry and now the weight is going right to her hips!

Seriously, you would cry too if the world was aware that you....

... slept with this man! She didn't even get paid to put out with Busta Rhymes. If I had to look at that mug and kiss those lips believe me, there would be an exchange of Benjamins if you get my drift. This is totally something Paris would do, not Nicole. After all, Paris slept with yucky druggie Tom Sizemore who looks like he's been stonewashed and acid rinsed then spun out and hung on the line to dry.

In other Busta news- well it all just pales in comparison to knowing he got it on with Nicole! She must have been high, drunk or smelling of desperation. Click here to read about what's going down with Busta and the murder of his bodyguard.

Paris and her new RBFFN, thats Rich Best Friend For Now

2006-02-19T04:03:00.000Z

Camille is wearing a dress from the Las Vegas showgirl review at the Tropicana Hotel and Casino. Viva la girls! Sparkles and spangles and glitter!

She cleaned out the flour from her belly button, added a diamond stud and a dab of eau de dirty bedsheets and the essence of old money toilette water

The photos are of Paris Hilton at Camilla Al Fayed's birthday party in London. Camilla is Paris's alter ego heiress twin from England. Her dad owns the Harrods department store (her step-brother dated Princess Diana) and she grew up playing with Christian Louboutin shoes and Balenciaga gowns, obviously leading a childhood similar to my own. Oh, the memories of playing with mother's diamonds and sapphires, dressing up in Chanel and Yves St Laurent. My glory days!

Like Paris, Camilla decided not to pursue college because she "isn't academic". In other words, why go to school when your family is loaded and you will never have to work a day in your life? He's no heiress but I'm sure Kevin Federline understands.

Jen goes hairless!

2006-02-19T03:38:00.000Z

Jennifer Aniston got a full body wax for her new movie, The Break Up starring as you know, her real life boyfriend Vince Vaughn. Now she is as soft and slick as a wet baby seal! Eat your heart out Brad. Like he cares! He doesn’t.

The hair removal was for a scene in the film where Jen’s character Brooke gets nude in front of Vince's character named Shlumpy Pete (no it isn't- I made that up). So basically when I say Jen takes it all off, that includes all clothes and hair. I wish she was bald. That would be a dedicated actress to part with her lovely locks. You know, Angelina would do it in a heartbeat and then send her shorn tresses to Locks of Love!

Glove for sale

2006-02-19T03:14:00.000Z

oh yes, it could be yours!

the magic is in the glove, along with other DNA...

It was just this morning that I was wondering what else I could buy on ebay besides a few liters of Vincent Gallo's sperm (I just realized how TomKat got pregnant!). Like manna from heaven, there it was in all its white splendor: The Glove.

Yessir, Michael Jackson’s single glove is for sale and the bids start at a mere $250K. A steal! A bargain for the glove that touched the hand that touched the crotch of the king of pop.

I don’t know why but Liza Minelli’s ex-husband David Gest owned the glove. Its a little something from his “private collection” which used to sit in a locked glass case next to Liberace’s rhinestoned purple knee socks and Elton John's hot pink, ostrich feather trimmed boa.

The description of The Glove reads:

"This is specifically a glove to be worn in concert as there are no stones on the palm side, so holding the microphone and manipulating the fedora hat is easier. On the back side of the glove are hundreds of rhinestones individually sewn on. This glove is a significant piece of pop history."

Funny, no mention of a free 2 liter bottle of Jesus Juice included with the sale of the glove, not even a dvd of the making of Thriller. What a rip off! Save your money for Michael Jackson's newly worn burkha from his trip to the Middle East. That comes with a free black wig and a coupon for a pair of Curious George pajama bottoms.

Kelly to leave Reeeggggeeee

2006-02-19T01:31:00.000Z

Is Kelly saying 'Goodbye' to her morning show with heavily pancaked, wrinkled old Regis?

I'd fit in perfectly! Note the heavily sprayed and teased bangs. East Coast mall hair returns!

Kelly Ripa is thinking of leaving old windbag Regis so she can take the place of Katie Couric on the Today show. That is amazing because Kelly is not a reporter which means anyone can do Katie Couric's job, all you need to do is fake it. Fake it to make it as I always say.

This opens up a spot on the Live With Regis & ---- show. And I think I would be perfect for the job. I have no qualms about telling Regis to shut it when he talks about going down to Mar-a-Lago to visit Trump. Who gives a shit! I'd knock him in the chest with my elbow a few times and he'd stop showboating about his upcoming venues with Susan Lucci. Dude, lets get a younger demographic in the a.m! Plus working for ABC would give me unlimited Star Jones sightings and photo ops!

Says the ultimate trusted news source, The National Enquirer:

Under the bombshell deal, sources disclose Kelly would get her own talk show as part of an extended Today show — meaning she'd go head-to-head against Regis on Live! Insiders disclose that the potential deal is the brainchild of NBC head honcho Jeff Zucker. Said a close source: "Jeff realizes that Katie has her mind made up to bolt to CBS when her contract expires in May and take the big job as the evening news anchor — the slot made famous by Dan Rather."She wants to be taken seriously as a newswoman and CBS is confident she'll be the perfect fit. Despite all the money that's been thrown at her to stay, she's determined to exit."

UPDATE

2006-02-17T21:00:00.000Z

HEY !

I've been out of town and unable to update. I know, I know- I need a Treo! It's on my wishlist, trust me.

Check back in later or tomorrow, I'll have to catch up on my celeb news and report back.

Paris caught in flour bomb!

2006-02-15T16:26:00.001Z

What could be better than a flour covered Paris Hilton at a Fashion Show given by fur loving designer Julien MacDonald? At first I thought Julien MacDonald was the guy from Nip/Tuck. Yeah I don't watch much television. Like Apple, Gwyneth Paltrow's daughter, I like to keep things light and dance to the Wiggles. They're hot!

Anyway, Ms. Hilton was pelted with bags of flour and Julien, most certainly not the Nip/Tuck hottie, was doused as well. Paris incidentally topped Peta's Worst Dressed List last year so she deserved the flouring too. Julien was targeted because he loves to create his fashions using furs, just like J. Lo. I hate fur! I rather go naked. That's why I'm wearing nothing right now.

"There is nothing remotely fashionable about the torture and death of animals killed for fur," said Peta Europe's Yvonne Taylor.

As for Paris, when all was said and done, she actually tried to snort the flour off herself, thinking she had been a victim of a cocaine shower. She was actually giddy with excitement! The funny thing was, everyone let her believe it.

Tom Cruise, no longer cuckoo for Katie?

2006-02-15T06:58:00.000Z

"Did you wash your hands, you digusting humanoid?"

"Don't touch me with your human skin. Have you been doused in the sanitizing chamber?"

Ahhh, the days of innocence. The Ken Wahl of Wiseguy look. Give me Tough! Butch! Hetero!

After this appearence, Oprah bought new couches and burned the old ones. No one gets footprints on Oprah's furniture!

This is what crazy looks like. Evil eyes!

The internet is rampant with Tom Cruise- Katie Holmes rumors. Like a bad virus or a venereal disease, the gossip is spreading with no end in sight with a lot of red oozing sores and itching.

Life & Style magazine has a cover story on the break up of Tom and Katie. Their sources are very reliable. Here is a direct quote:

Multiple insiders confirmed the story to Life & Style, with one longtime friend of Tom’s saying: “Their relationship is basically over.” Another friend adds: “They both agreed that the marriage wouldn’t work and they wanted to end it before they learned to hate each other.” The insiders say that Tom, 43, and Katie, 27, plan to keep up the charade of a romance until after their baby’s birth this spring.

What I think happened is that someone forgot to flick Katie's switch to ON and she was starting to think for herself. Does the contract mean nothing to you, Katie? Millions of dollars and a luxurious lifestyle, all you had to do was act the part. Now we can put to rest who was the better actress, Katie or Nicole. Nic hung in there for ten solid years. It was an Oscar caliber sham. Too bad they dont give out awards for that.

Kate's been through hell- or at least, the Intergalactic Federation of Xenu's Confederacy- and back. She is going to need years of deprogramming and steady cognitive therapy, I'm not kidding. Maybe this is just a hoax- does Tom have a movie coming out soon?

In any case, if it's true, who is Tom going to approach for the role of his beard? Its a very lengthy process to induct a new member and he must be very picky.

Mischa Barton? No, Keds are evil. Nicole Richie? No, she might not be able to handle the emeter. Kanye West? Getting warmer...Ryan Seacrest...getting hot...Clay Aiken? Perfect! Oh wait, there's one small problem, he's... got red hair and a southern accent. Damn we were so close. Well, I hear Paula Abdul is single...and she's already short a few brain cells.

Paris Does Munich

2006-02-15T06:46:00.000Z

thank goodness for excellent microphone placement

I don't know why Paris Hilton has to sully the good name of Disney but she is trying on clothes from the Belle Collection at the new Disney store in Munich. No, she really isn't, she's actually picking up an award for the Most Well Traveled Cooch of the Year! Oh gosh, that's so bad! I really do love Paris but I don't know what she was doing accepting a Woman of the Year award. There was a reason but I'm not interested in finding out what it was.

I'm sure the dresses she is trying on are some kind of cultural costumes but I couldn't help of think of Belle from Beauty and the Beast with pumped up cleavage and no underpants. Oh and a whopping case of syphilis.

*paris photos via JJB

Britney has a tummy ache and it hurts y'all!

2006-02-15T03:30:00.000Z

Y'all my belly hurtses!

"We're told Spears complained of stomach cramps. This afternoon, Spears' publicist told TMZ that her client was on her way home from the 'Will & Grace' set when she stopped at Urgent Care because she was coming down with a cold and not feeling well."

Naturally we can surmise that she has a bleeding ulcer from being married to K. Fed who was last seen wearing a beanie and shooting rubber pellets from a building in Studio City with his friends. Duh!

And where was SPF? Dont worry, he was being taken care of by the cats at Brit's Malibu home.

Theres a little trouble with the litter box but its all good.

Peons and minions like you and me, or just you, wait out the oncoming cold and take extra vitamin C, some zinc and do a few enemas with a vodka chaser. However Britney heads to Urgent Care where she undoubtedly scoots to the front of the line and gets tip-top care including a lollipop and a bed pan for a keepsake. She's so lucky!

Brenda Walsh in car crash!

2006-02-14T16:19:00.000Z

"TMZ has learned that Shannen Doherty was involved in a car crash in Malibu on Monday and the other driver was taken to the hospital.

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ that the 34-year-old actress was driving her Range Rover when she made a left turn onto Pacific Coast Highway, striking a Mustang driven by James Warren Paul, who was taken by ambulance to a Santa Monica hospital. We're told Doherty complained of pain at the scene but refused treatment. "

Sure she refused treatment because she had been snorting lines off the steering wheel and drinking vodka as she was cruising down the PCH, a favorite stretch of Sean Preston Spears. Heck, if a five month old can navigate the road, what's Shannon's excuse? Exactly! She was under the influence. I know, Tori Spelling's engagement before she is divorced has me in a tizzy too. Who would have thought Tori had it in her to make not one but two men fall in love with her? And poor Brenda Walsh is sad. Even bloated Brandon is married. And it's Valentines Day, cut Shannon a break would you?

We feel Shannon's pain but thats no excuse for driving, drinking and snorting!

Random

2006-02-14T06:46:00.000Z

a pretty girl but the smile...I don't know, its like she's wearing invisalign braces all the time and cant quite get her upper lips around them.

Oooh yes. Angelina would like Brad to get a penis enlargement, that's the rumor. Also, Oprah is taking Jen's side on the Team Aniston/ Jolie debate. Imagine if she gave out Team Aniston hats on her show?

Kirsten Dunst parks in handicapped zones because she feels she is handicapped by her fame therefore she should park where she pleases.

Dear Natalie, please eat.

Love, DistressedJeans

Ryan Seacrest and his Rent-a-Gal pal. I suddenly have visions of Grey Poupon gone wild. Do you think Ryan would put up with the jagged hem on that skirt? Nuh uh. That's how you know they aren't together.

"And then Daddy said he's gonna throw little ol' me a gweat big party-warty when my dee-vorce is final from that mean Nick!"

I'm sure that's like her makeup artist or childhood friend or something so don't jump to conclusions. That guy is too regular looking to be with Jessica-wessica. I love her jeans but hate those phony extensions.

It's nice to see Calista Flockhart out on Take a Senior to Lunch Day. You know, we shouldn't ignore the older people in our nieghborhoods. They have much to share. Good for you Calista. I hear Catherine Zeta Jones is involved in a similar program.

And the fight continues for the title of World's Most Beautiful Baby! In this corner we have Gwen and Gavin, while Brad and Angelina battle it out to stay in the game! Gwen's baby will be attractive and musically blessed while the Pitt kid will have large lips and acting chops.

Who will take home the crown and the million dollar prize plus a year's supply of rhinestone trimmed diapers?

*most photos credit JJB

Tom Cruise ...oye vey

2006-02-14T06:36:00.000Z

the perfect cover for the unauthorized bio ! I think the pose and the look on his face says it all.

I can't wait for the debut of this book. Andrew Morton, famous biographer whose book about Princess Diana was popular a few years back, is facing the wrath of Elron Hubbard from the Celestial Galaxy of the great interglactic highway in the sky because he dares to write an unauthorized bio of Tom Cruise. YOU CANT DO THAT!

I want to hear all about the alien abductions, the spaceships and the crop circles in Tom’s backyard! You know Andrew is going to dig up the dirt on Tommy Mapother. But not by himself, oh no. Andrew is hiring a gay porn actor by the name of Paul Baressi to assist with the research. Uh huh. And the plot thickens like Xenu's molton saliva.

Although Mr. Baressi enjoyed fame “acting” in gay porn movies, he now is employed as a private investigator in Los Angeles. Says the porny pirvate dick, "I am a key source of information regarding several things." Several things like WHAT? Well, Porn Detective says that he has in his possession documents “regarding a bizarre episode in which Tom was falsely accused of having a homosexual encounter while filming Eyes Wide Shut."

Tom is sending his lawyers, spokespeople, PR person, his scientologist friends, assistant, handler and body guard after Andrew Morton and his private dectective. In his defense, Tom’s lawyer announced, "Mr. Cruise is not gay." Sure he isn't! And if thats true then I have a pegasus living under my bed and the sky is made from blue Skittles!

Catherine goes tranny

2006-02-14T06:30:00.000Z

Although undoubtedly gorgeous, I get the impression that Catherine is a wee bit snooty.

Catherine Zeta Jones has been frolicking in the water with her children and her Pappy, but now it's time to get cracking and find some work. Shit, someone has to pay for her husband's Viagra not to mention all the medications he has to take for gout and constipation, the hearing aids and the jazzy he privately drives around their Bermuda compound. Look, his bones are frail okay?

Catherine is taking on the role of a transsexual cabaret star by the name of April Ashley. Ever hear of her? Me neither.

You know what's so like, yesterday? Adopting a child from a third world country, note to Meg Ryan! If you want any kind of attention, you must find a plum role as a gay or trans-sexual. Just ask Felicity Huffman and/or Jake or Heath. Secretly I can't wait to see Catherine with a penis!

Brit to lose weight via magic beans!

2006-02-14T03:50:00.000Z

Y'all think I'm fat? Im fixin' fer double fried twinkies and beer batter jerky!

According to the Bosh and Star magazine, Britney Spears is taking a page from Anna Nicole's book of diet tips, slurred speech and inappropriate public behavior and set to gobble diet pills in order to melt the excess poundage away. I forever mourn the loss of fat Anna, she was so entertaining.

Britney loves her junk food and will be getting heaping doses of fried crawfish and gumbo and all kinds of southern cooking, high in the calories I might add, when she travels to her home state of Louisiana for Mardi Gras! You know if Kevin heads to Mardi Gras, its strictly to look at the boobage. I hear Little P is going to be driving one of the floats. Yee Haw! Every time I think of the great state of LA, I can't help but think of this movie, clearly overlooked for an Oscar but a screen gem nonetheless.

Mrs. Federline has packed on the pounds as we've all witnessed and analyzed to no end, and wants to rid herweight the lazy way: by taking pills. What, no Colon Blow? I prefer an old fashioned espresso enema, but that's just me. It doesn't work for everybody, just me and the Olsen girls.

“She has turned to a new diet-and-beauty pill that promises to curb her junk-food cravings,” reports Star. The pills claim that a person can lose 35 pounds in six weeks using them. For Britney, once a size 2, losing 35 pounds would bring her back to her old 105 lb. frame".

Stay tuned for the new Britney sporting sickly protruding bones and a fancy sternum a la Nicole Richie! Bones are hot for spring, I hear.

BLOGGER

2006-02-13T23:29:00.000Z

I'm so frustrated, I'm about to stick pins under my nails and popsicle sticks in my eyes. No really, I'm that upset.

Blogger is not responding to any of my one hundred emails, begging them for technical support. I KNOW the page takes six years to load and by time you read the news, it's old and outdated. I KNOW this. I keep contacting Blogger, I feel like a bunch of really smart people are sitting in a room pointing and laughing at my many desperate emails. Its the blow making me paranoid again.

I hope it's going to be fixed in the near future. I want to update my page but cannot get the whole thing to load within a reasonable time. If anyone can recommend a great equivalent to Blogger, by all means, shoot an email my way at distressedbluejeans@gmail.com

quick hits...

2006-02-13T08:07:00.000Z

Val Kilmer and Winona Ryder? Ewwww... What happened to Val? He's bloated and as pink as a ham hock. Gross! Winona is clearly drunk, I'm disgusted!

Creed frontman gets married, no mention of his public drunkeness, see you at Promise's soon..

Boohoooo! Michelle Kwan is crying... and no Tanya Harding in sight.

Neve Campbell is getting married, why bother? I bet she's divorced in ten months. These thing never work out.

Page Six The Magazine didn't invite me to write for them but they do have smashing photos of teenage Angelina Jolie's pufferfish lips.

Have you heard about JT Leroy? Well, he is a she and it needs Courtney Love's help!

Tom Cruise is trying to brainwash Kanye West to be the latest convert to his own wacky brand of religion, including the butt plug special and an emeter delite. He's doing this by allowing Kanye to create the theme song to Mission Impossible III. Then he will implant the chip and tuck him away. That means kill him and create a robot of his likeness.

Angie and Brad brand their children, just like cattle at the Southfork Ranch!

Britney disgusts singer Pink with her reckless ways!

The Kutch is coming to your computer!

Wilmer on Lindsay

2006-02-13T07:50:00.000Z

Who is it? Hmmmmm. When you call out "Herbie!" does she turn her head?

Wilmer Vladamir might be finished with toying with Lindsay Lohan's delicate heart but he is concerned about our sweet nineteen year old who, if you recall, cannot accomodate Jared Leto's oversize sausage of a penis.

According to Star magazine, when he heard she slipped and cut her leg on a broken tea cup which I still can't figure out, his response was, "WTF is she doing at Bryan Adam's house?" I know! Like of all us, we were puzzled. We we also puzzled as to why she wasn't dry when she was making the tea? Are his stairs not carpeted? Does he not have a butler to bring the tea up to the room and lastly, why lotion on the bottoms of the feet and where were her slippers?

Wilmer is worried about Lindsay. He said in a direct quote, "Now you know why it [was] so hard to stay with her." Yes, I understand. Wilmer's friend was quoted as saying, "He thinks the girl is out of control, and it's only a matter of time before she goes too far."

Like going down two flights of stairs wet and naked and trying to do something crazy like carry a breakfast tray to her room. Insane! What happens then?

Queen Gwyneth Speaks!

2006-02-13T07:37:00.000Z

My name is Gwyneth. And you may call me Gwyneth.

OMG! She's just like the rest of us. She has a butt, and in it there is a hole for pooping!

Gwyneth Paltrow used to be my favorite. I loved her flowing locks and impeccable style. She was my queen. But then she started hanging out with Madonna and developed that faux British accent reserved for people who go fox hunting and own castles and feed their chickens in chiffon dresses.

Shes made several comments about the USA, putting us in a negative light. Quite frankly, Gywneth’s crown has dulled a bit in my book. Gah! She should just shut up already. Every time she speaks I want to find her comments and observations witty and smart. Instead she makes me want to put chopsticks in my ears.

This is what GP says about her daughter:

“She’s got a massive vocabulary and she’s very good at communicating. I think it’s because I always spoke to her as a normal person, as my father did with me. I spoke early and Apple speaks a lot. She’s certainly very good at communicating her needs.” Communicating her needs? The kids is two! Dude, lighten up!

Because I'm a lazy mother, my kids think of the tv as their little brother. They know what programs come on and when. I love television. It's filled with terrible things and bad shows sending naughty subliminal messages. Here's what Gwyn had to say when asked if Apple watched the telly:

"She doesn’t watch television. Although, recently we were on holiday and it was raining a lot so we rented The Wiggles. Now we have one Wiggles tape that we ended up buying. So Apple watches that, but she doesn’t ask for it that often. She’s not a real TV person which is good. She loves books and we read to her a lot." or does your Trinidadian nanny read to her, hmmmm?

Hard as I try to eat healthy and take vitamins and exercise and all of that, I do find myself being the victim of squishy thighs and a sloping butt. But Gwyneth is a pillar of good health and eating well.

"I still really believe in eating whole organic foods. I also believe in holistic medicine, yoga, Pilates and so on. But I also believe in a banana split sundae once in a while!" You silly thing! By 'once in a while', she means once a year and that’s only a bite of ice cream, not the whole thing. She uses organic enemas too you know.

I don’t have more than a few pennies to my name and I'm driving around in a car that’s ten years old with a huge dent in the side like Kevin Federline's white trash family. I'd like an Infiniti fx45 if anyone can afford to buy me one. But Gwyn, what do you do when you need more money because having millions in the bank simply isn’t enough?

"As I keep doing films like Proof and Sylvia, I needed a way to supplement my income without being forced into doing some horrible movie. So I now have the freedom to do these tiny films where you don’t get paid. It’s a way to work a little bit as a model and an actress which can be fun. You hop on a plane, go and do something and then you’re finished. It’s nice." Supplement your income? Bitch, please. I'll work your jobs for half your rate and be perfectly a-okay.

You and Madonna both think you're total hot shit and talk with that dumb phoney accent. Care to comment?

"I know what you mean. I think she has this drive and strength that I’ll never have, but there is also a side to her that’s very soft and lovely. That’s where we connect more. In private we’re more similar than you would think, but out in the world we’re definitely very different."

I totally forgot where I found this article, I think it came off the Popdirt.com site. Check there if you are desperate for more of GP's words of wisdom.

Random photos for your pleasure

2006-02-13T07:09:00.000Z

Nicky Hilton looks thrilled to be at the Ocean Drive party. I don't know what the shindig is all about. Its something that rich people and celebrities were invited to. Since my Escalade got repossesed and my mansion was sold out from under me, I'm not part of the "in" crowd by any means, not anymore. A pity, right? Well one thing is for sure, I'm not getting swagged but I'm not catching Hilton cooties either. That's like, one mutated virus away form the Bird Flu!

No offense to Uma, who is a lovely lady, but she could store a cantelope in her belly button. Check it out, people! Not only is it very large but looks deep too. If I were in possession of such a thing, I would keep a baby kangaroo in there for fun.

Marilyn Manson and model Lilly Cole. Lilly is friends with Kate "coke head" Moss and the two of them love to pass time by snorting lines and making fun of Sienna Miller and drinking lukewarm Bigelow tea.

Meanwhile, Marilyn Manson looks like he wants to roast that girl like a pig and chow down on her charred limbs. Gosh he scares me. He needs a wig, I see a receding hair line. Oh, Burt Reynolds would be pleased to recommend a super follicle care expert who does hair line transplants. Please don't kill me.

Paris needs to stand with her knees together so her inner organs don't drop like laundry through a shoot out of her cooch, landing on the floor in a heap. That would be messy! And gross. There's probably lice and craps attached to her uterus!

" awww....you little rascal!" That would be a totally flirtatious look passing between Jake and his "date" for the evening, some actor Ive never seen before which means he's no one special to me. Now I'm thinking the whole Kirsten Dunst affair was simply a bearding arrangement. Its true, all the good guys are either gay or taken. It's okay, Jake and I can still be the best of friends.

** photos courtesy of savingface

Little P in the drivers seat, Letter of Troof

2006-02-12T23:47:00.000Z

I's scared! I's real scared! Just kiddin, y'all!

rock, paper, scissors. Aint we cute?

'member the time we's got married and served chicken wings? Ahaahahahaha!

Y’all. I gots to tell you the troof. Me and baby Sean, we wuz shoppin. And I says to my bodyguard, Tiny, I says, “Hey! Woodnt be fun to have mah baby in mah lap? We’s can let little P drive! This big ol’ Lincoln practically drives itself!” and he don’t say nothing, he's real quiet like.
So then, I's puttin’ him on mah lap and he’s tryin to eat the steeling wheel, it was so cute. I wuz wavin' to people and smilin'. We’s pullin out on the the Specific Coast highway, when I’s noticing someone tryin’ to take our pikshur. I was laughing y’all cause I cant go but two steps wifout some papatardi’s taking my photo.

I wuz like, “huh?” and my bodyguard’s like, “Yo!” and I'm like “Yeah?” and then Sean says, “baa” and then my bodyguard says, “hey!” And Is like, "theys trying to take our pikshur right behind us, I's scared." but I's laughing the whole time, cause I's Bitney Spears!

I's git home later that night and I gotta say, Sean did real good drivin’! For bein’ only 4 munts old, he’s good on the road. Next thing ya know the po-leece are knockin’ at mah door! I had to hide in the closet with Kevin's clothes and almost fainted. The housekeeper sent the po-leece away, thank goodness, but Kev wuz real mad. “Why?” I asked him, “You let him drink from your beer cans and drive your motorcycles!” he's all like, "uh huh. Little P likes the Miller Light best of all."

He don’t say nothin’ But that next day, its all over the news and Miss Shar is saying she’s 'fraid for her kids to be with me. Like as if! Okay Miz Jackson, those child support checks wont be there this munth! How dare! She's slandering mah good name.

Shar said somethin’ like she be “horrified” and that she “couldn’t believe her eyes” and “what was Britney thinking?” well, Miz Shar you try running into the 7-11 wif bare feet trying to grab a pack a smokes and some Red Bull and then try to drive home wif a baby. Gah! I aint no superwoman.

Then see, what happened is that people's all over is sayin’ I did something wrong. My lawyers tole me to say the potpourri's were after me and I had to put P on my lap to pro-tect him. I was real scared for little man, thats what theys tell me to say. But you know what? I hate tyin him up in that there seat with the buckles that I don't know how to do and the straps confuse the stuffin outta me. Its easier fer me to carry him on mah lap and drive plus he likes to sit wif me. I aint sorry! I's just sorry I gots caught. Oops, dont tell mah lawyers I says that! Tinted windows all around next time.

Saint Paris

2006-02-12T19:53:00.000Z

oh, please! the fans! Its so hard being an actress...

costume changes are tough...

a good movie role is hard to find.

the audition process can be grueling

Paris Hilton is being considered for the lead role in a movie about Mother Theresa. I said MOTHER THERESA. If you sit and clear your mind until you feel like your brain is going to explode, you might find the similarities between the two. Well, for one, they are/were both...human…and that's about it. After viewing Paris’s turn as a prostitute in the acclaimed film, One Night In Paris, the director looking to cast the role of Mother Therea pointed to the tv and yelled, “She’s the one!" I totally should have made the Harry Twatter film when I was invited. Damn!

According to Female First, “Well known Malayalam director T. Rajeevnath, scouting for a suitable actress to play the title role in his film on Nobel Peace laureate Mother Teresa, has sent feelers to American actress Paris Hilton.

The director said he was impressed when he read a report sometime ago in which the hotel heiress said she had refused to pose nude in Playboy magazine and decided then to shortlist her. The English film will be mostly shot in West Bengal and in several foreign countries.”

Call me cuckoo but I cannot see Paris Hilton playing a saint, that role would be suited to Nicole Richie who already looks like she's starving for the good of her people. A serious movie like this would really land Paris on the map as a talented actress of our generation. Haaaaaaahaaaaa! Yeah right! And Tara Reid will be her understudy.

HEADLINE NEWS

2006-02-11T07:22:00.000Z

Brown warned White House before Katrina struck !

TOMMY LEE: CAUGHT WITH TRANNY

EVA LONGORIA, "I'VE LOST ROLES BECAUSE IM SO BEAUTIFUL."

RICHIE SAMBORA RECEIVES PROVOCATIVE EMAIL PHOTOS

BRITNEY SPEARS, "I MADE A MISTAKE!"

TOM CRUISE TO HIDE KATIE

TARA REID: "I AM SMART!"

these were actual headlines to news stories this past week.

Jessica Debuts Slut Shoes

2006-02-11T06:56:00.000Z

I had a pair of these things in 1991, ugly then and ugly now

these double as a corkboard and a step stool and if you're crafty like MacGyver, you can create a belt and a raft from the cheap materials Jessica used.

Close your mouth before I shove a shoe in there!

"oh..me so cute! Daddy wuvs my Dr. Evil intamation- inition- initiation-? Whats the word? Oh, imitation."

Jessica Simpson as Dr. Evil and it's so not funny. It's not cute either. That was actually her response to when asked about Nick dating her best friend/personal assistant Caca Cobb.

So...Jessica showed off the latest in hoochie footwear. For the slut in all of us! To go along with her Betty Crocker- sugary sweet- vomitous line of crappy perfumes, edible body lotions and belly button cologne (yes it does exist), she has "designed" a line of footwear for escorts, hookers and other women of ill repute and bad taste.

Her shoes aren't cheap, people. Prices start at $80 and work their way up in price, especially the line of cowboy boots which have names like "Cherry" and "Daisy". Her shoes are Payless moonlighting as a name brand. You know there are children in Sri Lanka working their fingers to bloody stumps, getting pennies per hour to fashion together Jessica's vision of footwear. She is also a "fashion designer" don't forget that. I'd love to see her stumble, bumble and fumble on Project Runway.

*some photos credit to rosiedemario blogspot

Be My Scientologist

2006-02-09T16:14:00.000Z

The Gallery of the Absurd has some lovely celebrity Valentines for you to send to your friends and lovers. Once again the artist known as "14" nails Paris Hilton's lazy eye and Tara Reid's lust for booze. How romantic!

GRAMMY

2006-02-09T02:57:00.000Z

I swear this is Lisa Kudrow's hairstyle from when she played Valerie Cherish. Check out those guns!

I totally need a pair of those flesh hued tights so I can wear a thong in public. Last time I wore panties at the mall I spent a night in jail. Well, not really but I did get some bizarre looks.

Kanye West donned OJ Simpson's black leather gloves and a tuxedo jacket from the maitre' d at my favorite Italian restaurant. I dont know whether to rhyme 'aquit with fit' or order the Caesar salad.

Either way that crimson shirt is pointless, I suspect his torso is a bit drafty. The chick he's with has hella high hair. Kan-yay needs high heeled boots a la Prince.

Taking last weeks episode of Project Runway to heart, Faith Hill creates a one-of-a-kind dress with a plethora of spring buds. It's totally Kathie Lee Coordinates from WalMart. Meanwhile her date poses as an Oreo cookie. He's a double stuff.

Fergatroid from the front- not so bad, nice even. Ill go that far.

ACK! That big bustle is hiding a Depends. You know it and so do I. Nothing says class like an earlobe full of gold plated earrings from Claire's. She probably has a gold tooth, a molar most likely.

Fiona Snapple: now I know where the lost Olsen twin went.

WTF is Jennifer Love Hewitt doing at the Grammys with a black lab on her head? Or just at the Grammys at all? And I see she has stolen the outfit Sandy wore in Grease!

It's Christina Bratman, or Mrs. B if you prefer. She would look so much better if she didn't appear to be dipped in a vat of orange paint. At least send Jordan to get a Mystic Tan so he's not as pale as Scarlett Johansson's buttocks.

So many thing to be said about this. It's a lifesize lampshade for a bordello. It's George Clooney's lingerie. Its mail-order Black Widow lingerie. She's saving her pennies by ordering if from Fredericks of Hollywood. Its what a mistress would wear to the funeral of her lover (obviously with a matching hat). Teri should have donned Kanye West's black gloves for full effect.

You know under the dress she is totally wearing this! Uh huh. No really, be sure to click the link. You'll love it.

*thanks to Jessica Cutler for the last link, I took it off her site. Who else would know of this stuff?

*thanks to Linnea at JJb for the Grammy photos- She rocks!

Vanity nude

2006-02-08T23:52:00.000Z

I know you've seen this photo by now like a million times. It's not such a big deal to see Scarlett's ivory buttocks any more. Rachel McAdams was supposed to be part of this shoot but when she heard she had to take off all her clothes and pose with a fully clad Tom Ford, she said and I quote, "Hell to the no!" and bolted.

Everytime I see this picture which is quite often as I have a life sized duplicate hanging on my wall, I think Tom Ford looks like Jeremy Piven and Scarlett J is Annette Benning. Tom/Jeremy looks like he is smelling Kiera's hair and she is above all of it. Scarlett's buttocks look nice and springy like a trampoline! Boing!

I quickly scribbled a note to Vanity Fair and suggested I pose nude on the next cover with Jake Dreamyhall and Johnny Depp. A blogger sandwich if you will. I haven't heard back yet which is odd because I think its a brilliant idea. What might also be kind of fun is me with K. Fed and BritBrit. Now there's a catchy cover. Y'all.

GOSSIP FORUM

2006-02-08T23:39:00.000Z

All the coolest bitches hang out and dish the dirtiest dirt on our favorite celebrities at this boardroom...click here to come play. And a special shout out to Ms. Fiona who invited me to stop by. This is a must see forum with plenty of gossip and photos and more.

I just tossed that photo of Ms. Lohan up for fun. No Lindsay gossip today. Other than the fact she said that trying to accomodate Jared Leto's huge penis is akin to shoving your size 8 foot into a size 5 Jimmy Choo. So basically her cooter is a shoe. An expensive one at that.

CHEATER

2006-02-08T07:02:00.000Z

I was reading world news and- oh who am I kidding?- I was reading the celebrity gossip and found out that Richie Sambora is/was really "good friends" with a woman (is it Paris? Could be!) who sent some nudie photographs to Richie via the computer. The internet is an evil tool, used for spreading filth but not yet communicable diseases. And thank goodness!

Heather found the sexy photos and was irate, as well she should be. I don't want my man oogling women online either. That reminds me of a dream I had where I was at a Hooters convention and I bumped into a very sexy Jake Gyllnhlll who will be called from this point forward, Jake Dreamyhall.

Where was I? Oh, right. So Heather and this gal and Richie were all friends to begin with, but Heather was having some funny feelings about this chica and the proverbial shit hit the fan-literally, she just had a colonic- when she viewed the Beaver Huntish pix. Richie was all, "Dude, I have no clue what this is!" and Heather of course didn't believe him because she is quite the hardass, I mean did you see her turn as Amanda Woodward on Melrose? Fierce!

Where does that leave Heather? Only with a gaping wound that used to be her heart. She and Denise "former Fleiss girl" Richards are good friends so they can cry on each others shoulders and maybe take pictures of each other and send those to Richie, with his wandering eye and lust for the ladies. See what you cant have Richie- with- the- mullet? Take that!

KIm Cattrall

2006-02-08T06:57:00.000Z

Kim Cattrall is a very experienced actress who starred in such hit films as Porky's and Mannequin. Has your life been touched by Porky's? Mine has. Thank you, Kim.

Now she would like to offer her advice to young girls and the very thought is scaring the bejeesus out of any mother with a teenage daughter. I’m thinking the idea of offering this book to a young woman is like committing a crime. Okay, Kim will be writing the book as herself not Samantha Jones, woman with loose morals and an even looser coochie, but still.

Alas, Kim insists the book will not be raunchy and crude (well then its going to be boring!) and will be talking about growing up in Canada and England. The book will be titled, “Everything I Ever Learned About Being a Girl.” Here’s what I learned and you can have it for free: Being a teenager sucks. Men will break your heart. Crying is good. Colonics should not be overused. Vodka is nice.

I think she needs a strong hook to sell this so I'm going to suggest she add a chapter dishing the dirt on the ladies of Sex and the City. Also, it would behoove her to let readers know if she really did fool around with Bill Clinton. Skip the chapter on feminine hygiene and tell us if the rumors are true...

Deep thoughts with Nick Lachey

2006-02-08T06:44:00.000Z

Nick Lachey insists that his new single, which is essentially a Michale Bolton ballad redeux, is not about his painful split with the chicken/tuna deciphering Jessica.

Gah! You are totally not getting where Nick is coming from. He has dug deep, deeper than those boy band melodies, and pulled out a stinker called “What's Left of Me”. What's left of me right is actually a printer, a book case and some files while to the right is a telephone and a painting.

Some lyrics from his song, which is dropping like a hot dump soon, goes a little somethin’ like this: "I watch my life pass me by in a rearview mirror / Stuck in the shadow of my mistakes. Now I'm broken and I'm fading / I'm half the man I thought I would be."

Nick is not one to look for sympathy from his fans and is begging us to believe that the word to this song have nothing to do with Jessica. Well of course they don’t. I hear no mention of tight pants, big boobs, chicken wings or cowboy boots. But in reading between the lines, it's clear there is a dominating father with an unheathy interest in his daughters relationships who has driven the marriage apart.

More Brit and Kev news...

2006-02-08T03:40:00.000Z

Its weird how this photo reminds me that I need a bikini wax!

Britney gots confused, y'all! The driving age in Louisiana is apparently five months. I don't see her wearing a seatbelt either. See you in traffic court, Brit! Hey little P, eyes on the road!

Apply foundation with trowel and spackle. Apply wig/extension combo. Apply red lipstick. Heavily line eyes with black kohl...

...wear your best casino cocktail waitress garb, preferably something that shows where babies come from. Bring as your date the magician who can saw a lady in two and pull unlimited ribbons of weed out his hat. Appearing for just one night, The Magic of Popo Federline aided by his lovely assistant, Skankaletta Spears!

In other news, Britney sat her son on her lap with her ever present bodyguard in tow and let Sean pretend to drive on a busy road sans seatbelt. I just hope she doesn't leave him in the car when she ran into the 7-11 for cigarettes and jerky!

But enough of underage driving and child endangerment! The plot thickens as "adult film star Kendra Jade admitted that she recently spent the night with Kevin Federline. According to Ms. Jade, the pair got drunk and spent the night together in a Los Vegas hotel room." source

Jordan to adopt!

2006-02-08T03:24:00.000Z

Bad from the back...

...and worse from the front!

British celebrity Jordan wants to adopt a child so her son Harvey has a playmate. Aww! But she isn’t exactly following in Angelina’s footsteps, Jordan does not want a “*rainbow family.” She wants a "special friend" for her three year old son Harvey, who is blind and autistic. He is also very large and quite cumbersome. Carrying her son is difficult as she is just an itty- bitty thing and doesn't want to accidentally pop those implants while straining herself. It could totally happen you know. Incidentally, I know of someone who would absolutely LOVE to be adopted into Jordan's family, he's a little older than than what she might prefer but he is totally potty trained.

Props to Jordan who is the first to say that she takes good care of her demanding son- I wonder if that’s without the help of a full- time nanny? Judging by Jordan’s photo, she doesn’t have a full time wardrobe consultant either (or hair dresser, look at that wig!) so once again I find myself offering my services not only as a friend, but a stylist too. But NOT a babysitter.

*direct quote via Miss Jordan

Star Jones trying to be Paris

2006-02-08T02:46:00.000Z

There's a joke in here about Star and her bitch or Star being a bitch, thats right. Either way, why the hell is she on what appears to be a runway? Look at that coy smile! Clearly she's hiding something ...like...I don't know, a gay husband and a stomach stapled shut and held together with duct tape.

And the dog says, "Arf arf! Let me outta here! Arf!

K. Fed, peace out!

2006-02-07T05:20:00.000Z

I jus' writed this song for my ol' lady.

I'm very very lucky indeed to have gotten my manicured hands on a copy of Kevin Federline's newest hip-hop sensation. He is known in the seedy underbelly of the rap world as Vanilla Ice Lite. Word! I present to you the new smash hit...which is untitled....goes a little somethin' like this-

They offer her a weight loss deal and I say ya gotta take it
cause when we gets gittin' busy, sometimes I gotta fake it

she used to be real skinny, I say that bitch was hot
but now 'cause the birth of little P, you know that she is not
when she opens her big mouth wide, I knows what she be doin'
she smacks her lips, gets some wings and then she starts the chewin'
womp womp womp

i like my woman skinny with a little popozao
im not diggin on a bee-yotch dat be the same size as a cow
when she sucks down a red bull, when she crunches on a cheeto
makes me light a cigarette and hit the clubs wif my man Tito

the soda, the candy and chowin' on the chips
in yo' mouth, down to yo' gut and right onto those hips
shake it! shake the booty on da floor, baby gotta work its
the Clearasil, ProActiv and Noxzema for those zits

I say, baby lose the fat go on a diet diet diet
she grabs a cookie fo’ her mouth then asks me to deep fry it

sometimes I tease her real bad, then she starts to cry
baby mama, look at yo’self, dont you wonder why
the chicks, they dig my grooves, my sweat, my stink
while you be sitting all alone singing to N*SYNC

I gots to find a suga momma to keep me in manpris
‘cause a hot woman with the funds can bring me to my knees
I like to make my own crunk tunes and be drivin fancy cars
I be hangin’ with the hotties, drinkin’ at the bars

Weight watchers, Jenny Craig and Slim Fast at the door
Shake your rump, lose the fat and popozao on the floor!

oinka oinka, ka-ching!

Jessica 411

2006-02-07T00:48:00.000Z

Is this Jessica...

or Donatella?

Give Jessica Simpson a few years, a chronic dose of Mystic tan and a run-in with a billy club and she's going to be Donatella's twin. Keep it up with the cocaine and perhaps your nose will cave in too! Well, hey there's always botox and collagen. I can't wait for that stuff to be available over the counter.

Ive read some interesting things about Jessica over the weekend. I heard she enjoyed anal sex with Johnny Knoxville which is nice. A little backdoor action is good for constipation, she tells me. She also calls Nick all the time. HELLO! He isn't interested because he's dating a real beauty queen- some backwater babe from the hills of a place where inbreeding is legal.

Jessica has been sleeping around, it's true. We know the path to true enlightenment and happiness is paved with cocaine, partying and sleeping with as many different men as you can. Jessica is a class act.

Paris Hilton? Flava is calling...

2006-02-07T00:33:00.000Z

This information comes via those in-the know-peeps at the Italian Ice Bitch Gal Pal Club! Holla!

So…Flava Flav, he of the gold colored rabbit pellet teeth says he wants to date Paris Hilton. I think they would make a fantastic couple and he could totally teach her how to tell time.
When asked what she thought of Flav’s plans to take her on a cruise ship with a Jacuzzi and provide “champagne, rose petals, strawberries, whip cream and all of that," she replied, “That’s hot.” Of course it is! We're talking Flava here! Hotness is obvious.

Paris, what do you think of Flava? “Who? Was he on Diff'rent Strokes? Oh wait, I know. Yeah..he's cute.”

And would you date him? “Yes, sure. Why not? Flava Flav,.. that’s a Greek name right?”

DONE?

2006-02-07T00:20:00.000Z

FINITO! Oh dear, let it be true!

Prayers are sometimes answered and magic mushrooms grow in my backyard which enable me to get through another day. This isn't to imply I've been wrapped in a black shawl, feverishly praying for the demise of the Al-Star union but, oh hell! Yes I have. And my nightly prayers have been answered!

According to this media outlet, stomach- stapled, self loving Star and her husband, gayer- than- gay Al are headed towards divorce court. I wonder if she's required to give back all the free shit she received at her corporate sponsored wedding? Because damn it, I want my case of Slim Fast back!

Apparently the stress of the book tour is wearing the relationship down. How much longer can Al stand in Star's shadow? Not only that, but he liked his woman big, not a bobble head he can place in the rear dash of his pink Cadillac.

This is so delicious I want to eat it up with a big spoon and a side super- sized fries!

Secrets of the Stars...revealed!

2006-02-06T06:44:00.000Z

I like to hide things in strange places.

I just ate an entire package of Girl Scout cookies and an Olsen twin.

I only feed my baby Cheetos and I love hillbillies

I have no clue where I've been for the last ten years

I am entirely made out of plastic and I love midgets

I sold my sperm on ebay and earned one million dollars

I'm secretly in love with my mothers husband and addicted to collagen

My baby daddy left me so I started dating his wife's husband

I didnt know I liked necrophelia until I married a corpse

I refused to believe the man I married was gay and paid him to stay quiet

I was abducted by a band of aliens... and liked it.

Olsen twins!

2006-02-06T06:10:00.000Z

Red lipstick, Dime Store Hooker #43 by Wet N' Wild

What have those loveable little Capuchin monkeys been up to? I haven't seen a lot of photos of those twins recently. I think they are very busy shopping and lunching, vomiting and recreational drug usage, enema taking and colon blowing, parties, a few fashion shows, trips to the salon and spa, you know. Those kinds of things. Very pedestrian, very middle class America.

I'm really am an awful like an Olsen twin. Except taller.

*photos courtesy of JJB

Ka Pow! David Beckham loses control!

2006-02-06T05:53:00.000Z

You want a piece of me?

Why, I'll knock you out, you bloody fool!

No one snaps my photo without my consent!

But you can take a picture of ME!

David Beckham was furious when he was followed by a paparazzi. David pulled his car over to the side of the road, violently pulled open the photographers door and grabbed him by the scruff of his neck. He began to yell in a high pitched voice and shook the photographer, scratched him and gave him a verbal lashing.

The paparazzi whose name is Ramon Perez San Roman Antonio Banderas, okay not that last part, he didn’t know what was going on. He’s all, “What? What?”

And Becks is all screaming and shit while Posh sits in the car, demurely paging through the latest Vogue magazine. You know she was. She couldn't care less. She probably wasn't even aware of what was going on. It's hard to stare at yourself in the mirror, page through a fashion magazine and pay attention to the outside world. I know, I've tried.

And the two engaged in scuffle. Simma down! Ramon Perez went to the hospital with “cuts and bruises to his neck and face”. The whole shebang is being investigated by a Spanish judge. Naturally there is more to the story: for the complete and in depth report, go here.

Splitsville

2006-02-05T20:58:00.000Z

Denzel Washington's wife Pauletta is filing for divorce. Divorce papers state the reason as...

Drumroll please....Irreconcilable Differences of course. I'm sure it has something to do with Denzel's roving eye for the ladies, he is said to have cheated on his wife several times. Enough is enough!

Celebrity Date Match Up: Denzel, take that nice girl Mariah Carey out for some homecooking. Mariah favors all you can eat buffets and multiple bottles of champagne. She's a sloppy drunk so watch out.

Matching hats never bodes well. Awww Heather is going incognito as a cuddly little panther-bear hybrid. Babushka! First, Heather is tired of calling a grown man "Richie". Second, he is a chronic tanorexic leaving orange stains on their silk sheets. And lastly, he uses enough Aqua Net to burn his own hole through the ozone and Heather's health is in grave danger.

Celebrity Date Match Up: Bruce Willis. He's older, has three daughters, likes his women hot and is rich. True, he totally has the "ick" factor but has connections to Lindsay Lohan who Heather's daughter Ava adores.

The curse of Melrose Place: Josie Bissett and Rob Estes are calling it quits just like Heather Locklear. That's so sad because Josie's husband is a hottie! And she is a cutie too. Whats wrong with these people? They have good looks and wealth, what more do you need to be happy? *

Celebrity Date Match Up: Paula Abdul. She loves younger men and just broke up with her underwear model boyfriend so she's on the prowl. The only problem is that Paula may not be able to form clear thoughts and enunciate her words. Rob might not get a lot out of the relationship other than a free 8 x 10 glossy of Simon Cowell.

This came as such a shock to me. Weren't they just planning a wedding? Oh dear, is nothing forever? Only diamonds ... Without Lance to ride Sheryl's ass about staying in shape perhaps we will soon bear witness to a weight gain and bloat, so stay tuned.

Celebrity Date Match Up: I'm going to pair Jennifer Aniston with Lance. He is an entirely different animal than the usual actor boyfriend Jen's been paired up with. Please, Vince and Jen will not last, mark my words. Jen is a fitness fanatic and will intoduce Lance to the joy of yoga and tantric sex.

I think I'm going to introduce Sheryl to Nick Lachey. An older woman would be good for Nick who has had his heart broken by Jessica. Unless Sheryl wants to go running back into the greasy arms of Kid Rock who she dated many moons ago.

*just joking

K. Fed speaks...and raps

2006-02-04T02:29:00.000Z

Kevin: high as a kite and loving every minute

I obtained exclusive rights to Kevin's newest song. Enjoy the lyrics, they are very well thought out - I can only imagine what he desrcibes as 'tribal screams'.

Yo, Im like, workin on some new shit and stuff. Im gitting down with the rap songs and Brit's been buggin me to come up with somethin' like a "love song". Sure, right, whatever. Maybe when Little P gets bigger, I can work on somethin' for him, we can rock out. No song for Brit right now, maybe soon. You never know when the mood, it hits. Its like you sitting there and POW! POW! POW! The music smacks you in the face like a whiff of Little P's diaper. POW!

For now I want to share with my fans what I's putting together. Were gonna have wicked drum beats and like, girls screamin in the background. Yo man its gonna rock out.

Your gonna be plowin down the 405 with the windows rollin down and shit, cranking up the Kevin tunes and singin at the top of yo lungs, you dig? Scream along, I dont care. Thats cool, seeing a chick in a car singing and screaming and getting crazy.

Im writin this song down right now- think about it with the vishis (vicious?) drums and tribal screams with a really crunk beat. Like, Pow Pow POW.. rump...POW POW, scream scream.

Here it is- so far:

Maow-maow-chicka chicka
Say What UP!
Waaaaooooga. Waaaaaooooggggaaaa.
Rump rump
Kevs in the hizzie
Making me dizzy
Crying like a shizzy
Being real bizzy
Getting down like a fizzy
say your name aint Lizzy
shakin' in a tizzy
in my hizzie
WOMP WOMP

Get ready for the gold records, peeps. And then me and Brit, we gonna get matching gold teeth. Man its gonna be sweet. Popozao!

Madonna cheating on GUY? Say it aint so!

2006-02-03T15:53:00.000Z

I said, "YOUR WIFE IS CHEATING ON YOU!"

Is that a walk of shame?

According to the latest reports, Madonna is gearing up to divorce her husband, Guy Ritchie, leaving him for a much younger man. It's positively scandalous! The hard core Kabbalah devotee is said to be sneaking around at night and making phone calls to this other man. Late night visits, weight training and naked yoga sessions ensue.

I find it hard to believe that uppity, faux British, good mannered Madge would do something like slink around like a two bit whore. But hey, the rumor mill is ripe with all kinds of hearsay, churning and spewing out lies and misinformation. Between you and me, I kind of hope its true...it makes for great gossip!

Lurid!

2006-02-03T07:17:00.000Z

In a wacky and wild event, a storage locker containing what is described as Paris Hillons “lurid” and “compromising” possessions are for sale. Asking price for the goods, which I assume are video tape evidence of Paris having sex with Tom Sizemore, twenty million dollars.

“David Hans Schmidt, a Phoeniz-based broker who has made a good living selling celebrity sex tapes, tells TMZ he's in possession of the items, including videos, photos and journal entries he calls mind-blowing.”

Paris hid several items in a locker under an alias (Faris Pilton) as any smart heiress would do. I imagine all kinds of kinky and weird items being in the storage locker like used condoms and dirty underpants and old hair extensions with glue on the ends. Gross! Aside from that, there were clothes (with “DNA” on them) journals (a purple diary with a unicorn on the cover) furniture (one of those sex swings maybe?) and photos (Paris naked with several men including but not limited to Wilmer Vladerama, Brandon Davis, Starving Nachos, Paulie Shore, that other Greek guy, no- not Michael Dukakis!). I hear there were also several Chihuahua carcasses in the storage facility.

How does this happen, you ask. Well, she fell behind in the rental fees and the items were sold off at an auction. Imagine the lucky devil who bid on those items? Jackpot! You simply cannot put a price on dirty bedsheets.

Paris’s publicist, a chap by the name of Elliot told TMZ, “the contents were "illegally seized." Bidders are apparently more than happy to fork over the multimillion dollar asking price attached to the items which are more explosive than her infamous One Night in Paris video tape. Two Nights In Paris? Three Knights in Paris?

Friday Letter of Troof

2006-02-03T06:44:00.000Z

Y'all, I just cant believe it. Well, Kev comes home the other night and he says, "Piggy," he says, "I gots an idear!" and after I tell him not to call me that no more, he rolls his eyes and scratches his balls and says, "Baby, we gots to have an open marriage is all." 'cept when he says 'marriage', it comes out as 'marrggge' cause he been drinking Colt 45 agains.

"You think its fair to keep all this to myself?"

..he axed me. And I's like, "Kev, you mah pimp and I's yur whore, remember our weddin, baby? Didnt those fried chicken fingers mean nothing?" and then he runs his hands thru his hair like he's real angry like, and he says, "There's too many babes out there, darlin'. I got's to share the goods." Cant argue there. He's a giver.

Y'all know what bothers me? Well, see lately when I drink a mocha cappacino- frappacino with whipped creams and a packet a' sweet n' low, he makes slurpin' noises.

And when I eat mah chips and mini muffins and chocolates and Hostess fruit pies, he oinks like a pig. He really gits into it, I gots to tell y'all. He's real mean like. He's oinkin and slurpin' and belchin' and on occasion he pretends to choke. If he's doing it fo reals, then I's not savin' his ass! Gah! Boy acts like he's having an orgy at a feedin' trough at slop time. It aint nothin you wanna see, trust me.

So then I think to misself, "Brit-brit, you gots to think about whas important to ya.' Well, yeah shur, like the baby and Kevin and Kevin losing mah million dollurs on that song he recorded. And him losing more money on gamblin'. And spending money on a Ferrari. And spending money on new clothes for hisself. And you should see the beef jerky that boy can put away. He spends thousands on Slim Jims. Oh yessir, that place at the Palms in Vegas that I aint allowed at. Whats I sayin'? Oh right.

I talked to mah ma, she's real smart. She told me not to marry Kev in the first place and sometimes, I think she might be onta something. But then Kevin comes around and sings Popozao in mah ear and when he dont smell so bad, I like havin' him around. Plus, he real good with baby Sean Preston. 'cept when he tries to take him for piercin's and tattoos.

Its true, mah ex-husband, Mr. Jason Alexander and Ms. Shar are sure dating. Theys sleeping together and everything. I thinked she was going out with that guy, Quintonio Tarantula? But she said they aint. But she is looking to git knocked up by Jason I think. Speaking of gitting knocked up, y'all....

Peoples been sayin' Im pregnant again. I ashure you it aint true. I sure wish it was. It would bring me and Kev closer, Im sure of it. Really, I is! Ill know when Im pregnant, cause Ill be eatin' mayo-naisse outta the jar again with a servin' spoon. Sure. And shrimp cock-tail with ketchup, just the way I like it. Yum yum.

"Oink oink!!"

"Kev, you shut yer pie hole!"

DIVORCE!

2006-02-02T23:48:00.000Z

I'm shocked! Well, not really. People simply do not stay married in Hollywood so it shouldn't come as a surprise to any of us that Heather Locklear just filed for divorce from feathery haired Bon Jovi rocker Richie Sambora.

All the gory details and a download of the actual documents can be found right here.
Now Heather will be free to date ex-boyfriend Scott Baio. Or Nick Lachey. Or Charlie Sheen. Basically it's a buyers market out there in Hollywood so Heather will have her pick of the litter. Arf!

Pam Anderson as Miss Green

2006-02-02T21:42:00.000Z

Pammy has taken Nicole Richie’s place as Miss Green. Nicole was all set to be the green M&M which I assume includes dressing in a puffy green costume shaped like the chocolate candy. Cute!

Those who were in charge of the launch the M&M campaign were concerned that Nicole would either be in rehab or in the hospital during the kick off for Miss Green. Nicole is literally wasting away before our eyes. You probably saw the photos of Nicole “eating”. Come on, you know she vomited her lunch up right after the picture was taken! And how believable is it to have Nicole acting as an M&M when she probably only sucks the candy shell off and spits out the rest of the candy? I think Pam is more likely to eat a handful of M&M's but only if they haven't been tested on a lab rat.

“Lots of money has gone into the launch, which will be held on Valentine's Day at the newly renovated Carousel in Albert Park (in Melbourne Australia).

For months, the chocolates' PR has been sending postcards from a Miss Green and alerting to nothing other than she is coming.”

In the meantime, HELLO! Can't someone do something to help Miss Nicole before she collapses from heart failure? A few bags of M&M's would acutally be good for her health.

Rosie to Star Jones...

2006-02-02T21:21:00.000Z

Rosie O'Donnell has a poem for Star Jones and it goes a little something like this:

the view
i can no longer stomach
as i have connected my heart
to my mouth
in a new bypass operation
shhhhh……
dont tell
now i only tolerate
a spoonful of crap
instead the normal full plate
pilates my ass
a how 2?
...what exactly
deluded is
as deluded does

I took the liberty of interpreting this poem. I translated it for those of you who don't subcribe to poetry-speak as done by Rosie O.

dude!

i can't handle watching you spew nonsense on The View! I hate that show. Every time you crackle, I eat a sleeve of Oreos. When you say something dumb, I open a box of Ding Dongs. And when the camera pans to you, flapping your gums its all I can do not to inhale my Little Debbie snack cakes. And people wonder why I've gained weight? Blame it on Star, I say!

bitch, please. You had bypass, now just admit it. See, that surgery didn't shrink your extra large noggin. You would have been a fabulous creature in my musical, Seussical.

i used to think you were tolerable, not I cannot stand to look at your cow eyes and your blow hole. And that so-called self help book? Please. I could write a book about my love of Koosh balls and Girl Scout Thin Mints and it would have more substance.

Katie Holmes

2006-02-02T16:05:00.000Z

I guess Katie Holmes really does have a baby on board unless thats a spandex suit with a built in baby-belly which is quite possible. Prone to fever sores, poor Kate has a herpes simplex brewing on her lip again. I told her not to kiss Tom without a dental dam!

For more Katie pictures, you know you want to see them, go here.

*photo from Just Jared

LAS VEGAS

2006-02-01T21:42:00.000Z

Party like a rock star- or at least a drunken actress!

Girls weekend in Las Vegas for all of you wild chickies out there!

Author Karen Lutz is running a contest that could win you and three of your girlfriends a weekend in Las Vegas at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino! You might get to do body shots with the rich and famous while dancing the night away at one of the hip clubs like Body English and Pure. You will get VIP passes to the clubs as well as head to the all male revue, Thunder from Down Under for some oily muscled action of the booty shaking dancers.

Click here to see how you can win this amazing contest, good luck to all of you!

TOPIC: James Frey/ Oprah Smackdown

2006-02-01T21:33:00.001Z

I wrote my own thoughts right here. But what do you think of James Frey taking liberty to bend his truth in A Million Little Pieces? Did you read the book, did you like it?

I read the memoir and took a lot from it. I was looking forward to the movie version which was being discussed recently with Jake Gyllnhll and Ryan Gosling expressing interest in the meaty lead role as James. It still would make a fantastic film and I hope the studios still go ahead and make it.

Was Oprah justified in having James on her show to apologize?

Discuss amongst yourselves.

Are you there Gay Role? its me, Brad.

2006-02-01T20:57:00.000Z

In the beginning there was a Brad

and his hair was fluffy and it was good.

Here's a piece of news that makes me roll my eyes into the back of my head and pound my fist on the desk and cry out. When is retirement an option for movie stars? I think now would be a good time for Brad to relocate to East Nutsville in a small county in Wisconsin.

Brad Pitt is so impressed with the positive feedback of Brokeback Mountain that he is now searching for a juicy movie role in a gay love story. Might I suggest the Clay Aiken
re-enactment? Brad would make a swell Green Beret and costuming would be a cinch- just a green beret and little else.

A direct quote from The Sun states, "Brad has asked his people to find him a script to play a gay man. He wants it to be a story that appeals to both men and women and he wants it to be the edgiest work he's done.” I thought he and Angelina were pretty edgy.

Another quote "He's seen the critical acclaim that Brokeback Mountain has won and he wants a piece of it. Brad knows it would be seen as shocking to take on a gay role because he's seen as such a heartthrob. But he has never shied away from taking on controversial films, and he has often chosen to do smaller, more challenging movies, rather than go for the big box-office smash."

Brad, why don't you do something original and go for a role that has yet to be taken? I hear acting as a blogger can be very lucrative with tons of acclaim.

Kate and Carmen

2006-02-01T20:38:00.000Z

Kate, Carmen wants you!

Carmen, DistressedJeans wants you!

Carmen Electra admits to have a girly-girl crush on Cocaine Kate Moss, who enjoys sniffing glue, nail polish remover and snorting rock salt these days as opposed to the harder stuff like crack and heroin. Personally, I enjoy the inhalation of some good old fashioned spray paint but that's just me being my wacky self. And don't even let me near the gas pump at my local Shell station. You can't tear me away from those fumes!

But I digress. Miss Carmen has been chosen as the new face of Max Factor cosmetics. There she is, celebrating in the above photo. What would make her life even more perfect is getting close to Kate Moss and feeling her bones crack and whistle as the two bump and grind.

Says Carmen: "I fancy Kate Moss. She has the best style. People need to give her a break. I’d love to meet her. You can’t deny her beauty and her sexuality."

photo of Carmen courtesy of gossiprocks

Supermodel: Avril

2006-02-01T20:28:00.000Z

Is this the potentially new face of Dior or Chanel? Jimmy Choo? Louis Vuitton? Kathie Lee separates...?

Punky singer Avril Levigne, she of the permanent scowl and heavily black lined eyes, has decided to become a fashion model. She even signed with Ford Models. I remember walking into the Ford Modeling office when I was a teen. Obviously that didn't quite pan out for me but I will never forget Eileen Ford telling me to come back when I got my braces and headgear off. It's always been a personal goal to be in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition, hey- we all have our dreams, right?

Much like myself, Avril would like to represent very high end luxury items in beautiful advertisements. I'm just putting this out there- if there is any company who would like to give me an Infiniti, Mercedes or Lexus automobile, a cell phone or Blackberry, a pair of Christian Louboutin shoes, a free trip to Paris or a Marc Jacobs spring wardrobe, I would more willing to model. Clothing optional. Gah! I'm such a slut- anything for merchandise!

A look into my crystal ball shows Avril modeling for Hooters, sports cars, acne cream and tampons. What's this? Fancy Feast? Yup.

Even though Avril isn’t very tall, she says, “I look through magazines and stare at ads and think, 'I'm not six feet tall, but I know I can do that'.” Sweetie, it doesn't matter how tall, it only matters how big your boobs are.

Clay Gayken

2006-02-01T20:17:00.000Z

Would a gay man wear a cowl turtleneck?

I don't have an opinion on Clay one way or the other. Sure he can wield a mean flatiron and he knows his way around a can of mousse, that much is clear. But there is a huge divide whether or not he is straight or gay and the fact that John Paulus, - former Green Beret, military man...meow!- insists he had straight up sex with Clay makes me wonder which way Clay swings. I want to hold his hand and stroke his spikey red hair and tell him its okay to be who he is. Let it out, Clay! Let it out.

John P. is planning to reenact their sexual splendor in a spanking new porn movie. Obviously he will include the disclaimer: Based on true events. I can't wait to see who plays Clay in this version, I'm gunning for self-proclaimed metro sexual, skin care loving Ryan Seacrest, which would be a casting dream. Will Clay Aiken be known as Gay Faiken in the movie?

John says that he is on the receiving end of thousands of letters from Claymates/Claymaniacs, who are wild teens and horny housewives who throw their panties up on stage when Clay sings. Hate mail is pouring in from these ladies and John is even being threatened with people wanting to kill his pets and blow up his car.

Even though John went public about his passionate night with Clay, he promises that he isn’t earning one cent from the story which was printed in the Enquirer. To the doubters of Clay’s sexuality, John has passed a polygraph test and even produced a DNA stained washcloth. How can you question scientific proof? Well, Clay can and he vehemently denies that he is gay, promising his Clay Maniacs that he is straight and looking for heterosexual love. Any takers?

Jennifer Aniston, Memoirs of a Woman Scorned

2006-02-01T00:31:00.000Z

Excerpt from chapter one, "I like to look into the ocean and imagine Brad drowning..."

Jennifer Aniston is set retaliate against emotional cheater Brad Pitt by writing a tell- all novel based on her marriage to him. Jen has spent many hours scribbling in her journal and will spill the beans about her feelings and emotions for all of us to read. For over your $24.95 for a hardcover of Jennifer’s Diary for Brad. For that much money I want to know how she get those perfect highlights, how much she pays to have her hair done and does she prefer Mystic tanning to the old fashion beds?

Jen will detail how the split came to be (Angelina) whose fault is really was (Angelina’s) and who her resentment is directed towards (Angelina). I'm just guessing here that perhaps Angelina Jolie had something to do with the breakup although the marriage was on the skids for some time. Like the great poet said, 'It takes two to make a dream go right, it takes two to make it outta sight'. And it takes two to make a marriage fail.

I hope she includes the nitty gritty details of the life with Brad otherwise, why waste our time reading it? I'd like to know if Brad dresses as woman in his down time? Does he have annoyingly gross habits like biting his toenails? What was he doing on Sunset Strip in the early 1980’s looking for men? Is he really bisexual? Inquiring minds want to know! And seriously, when he guest starred on Friends, did David Schwimmer’s monotone voice make him want to stick his head in the oven? Gah, that would get to me.

Meanwhile, Jennifer and Vince are getting very serious and its been reported that the former playboy is moving in with Jen and the two are very much in love. It began as a friendship where Vince would make Jen laugh with his impersonations of Brad, and then through the laughter and the tears the two forged a beautiful romance…sigh. If only a Pegasus could sweep them into a candy filled sky, we would all live happily ever after.

In other news, Angelina has been complaining about how much she hates being pregnant and this is the last time she carries a baby Pitt. I understand, all the pregnancy aches and pains are no fun at all. Try labor and delivery, its like squeezing a watermelon through a keyhold if you want the truth. Plus, its hard to constantly fly in a private jet all around the world carrying the baby weight and feeling nauseas.

If the baby is a boy, she plans on naming him William Nairobi and if it’s a girl she will name her Marlow Kenya. Jamie Oliver is going to prepare the foodstuffs at their wedding, slated for Valentines Day-cheesey!- and Jen is boiling mad over this since Jamie is her friend too. And Guy Richie, Madonna's bitch, will play the role of best man.

Brittany Murphy, songstress

2006-01-31T23:56:00.000Z

Ashton Kutcher’s ex–girlfriend, high energy, frenetic Brittany Murphy wants to be a pop star. Don’t we all? If I had a nickel for every young actress who told me she wanted to be a singer, I'd be driving that tricked out Infiniti FX45 that I've been drooling over. Let’s face it, Brittany’s no Britney Spears. Well, Britney is no Britney Spears anymore really.

The Murph just sang on British DJ Paul Oakenfold’s album and now she wants to cut an album of her own. I think rap is very hot right now. How do you say "Luscious booty" in German? That would be a tight track. Popofarvegnugen!

Brittany is saying buh-bye to her acting career which is a shame because she plays those quirky roles so well. She just hired a music agent and is dying her hair blonde because blonde haired chicks have better luck in the business. Actually, “visions in her sleep told her to change the color of her locks” so she did. My last dream told me to go drive a truck and snort cocaine. Doesn’t mean I'm going to do it, although the time I drove a sixteen wheeler across the country was damn near the best time of my life..

99 Most Desirable

2006-01-31T16:11:00.000Z

When I got the email from AskMen.com regarding the Top 99 Most Desirable Women, I was flattered. I didn’t realize I was so desirable that men from coast to coast wanted me! Really, it was such an honor. I practically wept. To be included in the list when I rarely show my face or body was quite something! A miracle, really.

Then I read the fine print and the email was more about me featuring the list of alluring woman than being one of them. Then, I really did weep. Askmen.com is launching their 2006 list of sexy ladies right this minute. I can't tell you who the number 1 woman is but I'll give you a hint: her name rhymes with Tessica Shmalba.

Letter of TROOF

2006-01-31T05:56:00.000Z

We looks like we be goin' to Homecoming y'all! Me and Kev, we got to go to the SAG awards. I got no clue what SAG means. But we got dressed up real purdy and Kev, he showered and combed his hair. I left mah baby with the some nannies and got dressed here in this blue gown that fits me real good, dont y'all think I look cute? We needed a night out thats fer sure.

So, I gots to tell ya what happened. My husband, he is so gosh darned crazy. He tole me he wuz gonna take Sean Preston for some Frito chips and a slurpee at the 7-11 so I needed to tan and I's like, okay, you can take the baby. Next thing I know, my assistant Fe tells me that Kev is headed to Claire's at the mall to pierce mah babies ears! No way! Yes! Im like, NO and she's like, 'Britney Jean, oh yes he is, darlin.'

I hopped into my car and drove real fast like that race car driver, Mario Spaghetti? Yeah, him. Finally, I catched up with Kevin and I was real mad, I was fixin' to pitch a fit. He thinked nothin of getting my four month babys ears pierced like Johnny Depp in that pirate movie with gold hoop earrings!

I let Kev have it and I telled him he dont need to come home if he's set on turning my baby into white trash! Only white trash people git their kids ears pierced at four munts. We gots to wait until Sean is at least a year, duh!

GROSS

2006-01-31T05:47:00.000Z

NOPE. HAVEN'T TOUCHED HER!

File this under G for Gross. Tom Cruise is afraid to lay his hands on a naked Katie Holmes, for fear he might hurt his unborn alien baby. The lobster claws are not yet formed and the cone head is just beginning to protrude- the act of lovemaking may cause irreparable damage to the spawn. Imagine if the green horns don’t fully develop? Now that would be embarrassing for the parents. How would the child ever be granted a trip to the Galactic Confederacy?

El Ron Hubbard warned of complications if a couple dared to have sex during pregnancy. From his grave he called out to Tom NOT to touch Katie. He may however, perform special rituals, clear her thetans, administer an emeter and plug her up with those anal probes I'm so fond of.

Tom has decided not to so much as look at Katies growing/shrinking belly, at least until baby Elrondo is born in a silent entry into this world. Is there a certain level of comfort in the knowledge that Tom and Katie aren’t doing it? Honestly, they probably never engaged in “relations” especially considering she is carrying the baby of the guy who runs the whole Scientology freak show and is Tom’s best buddy.

HIGH

2006-01-31T05:40:00.000Z

is that a blue beanie on his head or am I seeing things?

Cocaine Pete was in prison for two whole weeks after not making bail. I wonder if that gave him sufficient time to sober up, or were the drugs so integrated into his blood stream that he didn't even know where he was?

Drunken Doherty has been arrested three times which begs the question: When will he receive his free pass to Promises? Hazelton will do just fine, Meadows in a pinch. I suppose Pete doesn’t understand the potential that a stint in rehab offers- a greater understanding of human nature along with a diary full of reflections and quotes which bode well for that multi- million dollar book deal. Just ask James Frey! Oh...nevermind.

After the last time of being brought into the station, Pete had a private jet waiting for him, ready to take off to Scotland. Pete was all cocky and certain he was going to be released on bail and get deposited at his music gig but not so. The judge looked into Pete's red swollen eyes and cocaine- lined nose and said, “There are substantial grounds to believe you will commit further offences.” When the judge turned around, Pete displayed a superior act of integrity and gave the judge the middle finger. Yeah! That’ll show him.

At least Pete had the common sense not to lie about the drug charges which are numerous. Pete is death waiting to happen unless he gets help and soon! Dont die, Pete! I'm sure you clean up very nicely when you wash the vomit off your shirt, drop some Visine in your eyes, clean the grease off your face and brush your dirty hair and stuff.

SUED!

2006-01-31T05:33:00.000Z

Even her boob is trying to escape! Run, Forrest, run!

According to femalefirst.com, Jessica Simpson is being sued, y’all. She can't sing her way out of this one. A Los Angeles woman is accusing Jessica of “copying her trademarked cosmetics range.”

Mara Fox, which is a stripperish sounding name, began Love Potion cosmetics back in the late 1980’s and is accusing Jessica along with Sephora and D’Lish fragrance, of infringing on her copyright. Jessica (Sephora) created that horrible Desserts Beauty Deliciously Kissable Love Potion which apparently is something very similar to Ms. Fox’s goods.

If I were Jessica Simpson, I would be utterly embarrassed over this. First of all, just taking a single whiff of the Desserts lotions and perfumes gives me not only a headache but an enormous cavity. Second, it's sickeningly sweet, no wonder why Nick left her. He was tired of feeling queasy because she reeked of a sugar refinery. Duncan Hines should sue her too! I've said it many times, her products stink like day old bakery cupcakes with gooey, barfy buttercream frosting.

Last, I wonder how this is all going to play out, perhaps Joe Simpson can wrangle a reality show deal out of this mess. I can see it now, Jessica headed to court wearing a low cut shirt and tight mini skirt, helped along by her father with his blindingly white teeth and a head full of new highlights for the occasion.

Word of the Day

2006-01-30T23:27:00.000Z

I thought it would be nice if I aimed to educate my readers. We could all stand to learn something new and vocabulary never goes out of style. With that being said, I present to you....

The Word(s) of the Day: B-bobbin shizle biscuit

definition: Something that is kick-ass good!

#1: Check out dis new playa'
#2: Wow, man! Dat's a B-bobbin shizle biscuit!

Try to work this into your next conversation with perhaps a loved one, a friend or even your boss or coworker. Stun them with your expanding word bank.

A little something along the lines of this...

"Did you happen to see the SAG awards last night by any chance?"

"Of course! Everyone looked great, I especially thought that Reese Witherspoon's hair style was
B-bobbin shizle biscuit."

Cheetorific!

2006-01-30T06:32:00.000Z

Forget Jessica Simpson hawking dopey little cheese sticks from Pizza Hut during the Superbowl, Britney Spears has gone ahead and forged a much sweeter, crunchier deal. Click here to see the actual product!

Always seen with her stubby fingers deep inside a bag of Cheetos, the company decided to make Brit a spokesperson for the orange dusted junk food. Cheetos are not only high in fat but stain your hands, mouth and teeth a vile color and as an added bonus, will make your skin erupt in oil infused pimples that will take a full seven days to heal! Don't you want to buy a few bags and dig in?

Britney, as a spokesperson, will enjoy a lifetime of free Cheetos delivered to her doorstep and will also get to see her face on each bag in stores like 7-11 and various gas stations around the country. Cool deal!

As you might know, children are never too young to start chomping down on the Cheeto, as they dissolve into mush in even the youngest child’s mouth. Doctors actually advocate the sucking of the Cheeto as a way to pacify teething! It’s a win-win situation for Britney, Sean Preston and Frito Lay, who produces the snack food. Kevin Federline will surely find new inspiration for his *cough cough* rap career once he gets his grubby hands inside a bag. Crunch it!

SAG Awards

2006-01-30T06:01:00.000Z

Reese won a SAG for her portrayel as June Carter Cash in Walk the Line. Congrats Reese!

Now we get to see Michael Bolton at every event, but at least he isnt singing Should I admit that I saw in him concert over ten years ago? Forget I mentioned it!

Nicolette Sheridan is very mermaid-like, complete with the green tinted hair. Must be the reflection from the dress, I hope.

Hilary Swanky looked pretty but the giant bow on her dress looked like a teddy bear afixed to her gown. Look at those arm muscles, she could totally beat me up.

WTF is he doing at the SAG awards? David Hasselhoff himself doesn't even know. What's clear is that he is wearing the striped suit from the Mentos commercial where the guy rolls around on a freshly painted park bench adding stripes to his otherwise plain suit. Kudos to the Hoff for taking a fashion risk.

Felicity's dress was gorgeous, she's been looking lovely at the awards shows of late. Did you know she is a triathelete? I'm exhausted just thinking of running, swimming and biking for miles and miles. Perhaps if there was a good prize at the end, like a free boob job, I'd consider it. Eva looks nice in her sparkly gown, not sure about the hairdo. Is that a bob or just an updo?

Glad to see Joaquin is all right after his recent car accident. He is the strong, silent, creative type: mama like! I would really like it if he combed his unruly mop back and set in place with a hint of gel. Did we not learn from the Queer Eye guys that hair care is a must!? Aww, he can get away with anything.

Hi Jake Dreamy! I'm jumping on the Gyllnhlll bandwagon, this boy is cute! Do you think the Kirsten cooties wash off?

from E! online: Philip Seymour Hoffman (Capote) and Reese Witherspoon (Walk the Line) and the cast of Crash winning the top movie awards at the Screen Actors Guild Awards. The casts of Lost and Desperate Housewives topping the TV side.

**thanks to JJB for the photos!**

Uh oh!

2006-01-29T23:12:00.000Z

You might know this pretty lady, Bobbie Thomas from InTouch magazine. She just made a major faux pas on the Red Carpet for Sag Awards, commenting on how she loves Sandra Oh on her favorite show, Scrubs...I would be remiss if I didn't at once correct this.

HELLO BOBBIE? You are planted on the Red Carpet and you don't even know that Sandra is not on Scrubs unless you are confusing her with Zach Braff. Sandra Oh is on Greys Anatomy.
You're welcome.

Oh, and I am very available for the next Red Carpet event.

Celebrity Bites...

2006-01-29T22:54:00.000Z

Meg Ryan in her basic black with clunky shoes and her new baby girl. Congrats Meg, my gift is in the mail. Oh all right, I'll tell you what it is: a long black sweater and a black skirt!

Hayden is dating Sienna Miller, putting to rest those persistant gay rumors. Do you seriously think a gay man would pair that striped shirt with the tweedy blazer? Proof he is indeed straight.

Boo hoo, collagen is wearing off causing that massive pout. Jessica is rumored to be putting in some time with Maroon 5's Adam Levine. She moved on from Nick quite fast! And where does this leave "assistant" Caca Cobb? Poor Caca, all alone.

I knew she would make a darling pregnant lady. Gwen is currently planning her new line of children's clothing including funky little tank tops and ruffled skirts for the tot set. Love, Angels and Babies.

For the love of True Religion, Britney hem your pants! Lollipop sucking and bodyguards come free with being a celebrity. The bodyguard is also utilized to hold jackets and shopping bags. I'll take two please! But hold the lolli, I'm doing Sugarbusters.

Lohan hospitalized again!

2006-01-29T21:15:00.000Z

Lindsay Lohan is back in the hospital. I wonder if the health industry offers the equivalent of frequent flyer miles? The girl just can't stay away from those craftmatic beds and IV's.
According to internet news, Lindsay was at singer Bryan “Summer of '69” Adams London mansion. I wonder if her mother, Dina is dating the cystic acne scarred singer?

Here is the official report from Star magazine:

"Lindsay was going up the stairs, carrying a ceramic teacup," Dina Lohan told Star. "She had just come out of the shower, so she was still wet and had some lotion on, and she completely flipped on the stairs. ... The teacup went flying, it was shattered and one of the pieces cut Lindsay on her shin."

Lindsay needed ten stitches for the cut on her leg. Such a fragile little dove, our Lindsay is. This whole thing reeks of something dirty. First of all, why doesn’t Bryan employ a butler like Mr. Belvedere to carry tea to his guests on a tray with linen napkins and scones?

Did Lindsay actually have to brew her own hot beverage? What kind of service is that? Secondly, why didn’t she wait until she was dried off from her so- called shower before getting her tea? Did she not have a pair of slippers to wear after she applied lotion to the bottoms of her feet? And lastly, what kind of lotion was it?

You know what I think? This is a big coverup like her "asthma attack from the Miami humidity" not too long ago. You know she was in the bathroom snorting Ajax and sniffing nail polish remover, carrying a bottle of vodka up those stairs when she blacked out and took a tumble. It's the only thing that really makes sense.

Brokeback {{{spoiler}}}

2006-01-29T20:26:00.000Z

Have you seen Brokeback Mountain, or as my friend calls it, Bareback Assplay? I know that’s so wrong and politically incorrect. Well, anyway, Ie received several emails asking if I've seen it.
I'm really not into cowboy culture although I do enjoy a dueling banjo now and then, and have been known to rock out to "Devil Went Down to Georgia." I had to see it because it's gotten so many fabulous reviews and let's face it, I was curious.

As you know the characters are named Jack and Ennis. Ennis, being only a P and an N away from being Penis which I think is whats called 'subliminal messaging'. The acting is excellent as is the blatant display of denim. Did Wrangler sponsor the film? Heath Ledger channels a crusty and weathered Clint Eastwood with a curmudgeonly demeanor. He is a man of few words with a twangy accent.

I'm getting ahead of myself.

Up on a cold mountain, watching those sheep with their long, curly white hair and wiggly little bottoms inspires lust in the two lonely cowboys. ‘Pitching a tent’ takes on a whole new meaning. I felt sorry for both the boys because all they ate were cans of baked beans and Bean-o had not evolved yet.

Pretty soon many years had slipped by and Jake/Jack develops a slight paunch and a pornstar-esque mustache. Michelle Williams as Alma, Ennis’s wife, kept quiet for a long time even though she caught Ennis making out with 'Jack Nasty'. If that had been me, I would have confronted my husband and then perpetuated the stereotype of gay men having good taste (I'll excuse the denim on denim look) by asking Jack and Ennis to help me with my hair color and new drapes.

Anne Hathaway’s hair looks worse and worse as the movie progresses and she goes from a rich brunette to a bottle blonde with a bad makeup job. Ennis doesn’t change a bit, he mumbles a lot and dates Scooby Doo’s Linda Cardinelli who sports a Farrah Fawcett winged coif and red toe nails.

Before long, the men have grown older and their marriages have grown troubled and I'm left thinking that if true love exists you need to grab it where and when you can and not let go. I was angry that Jack and Ennis did not live happily ever after and relocate somewhere warm where they could shed the layered LL Bean barn jackets and oversized hats.

Is the movie getting accolades and award nominations because it was a well done movie with superb acting, or because it pushes the envelope on what’s acceptable in a film? Whatever the reason, the movie has a strong Oscar buzz and- all right!- I'll go as Jake Gyllnhllls date in a Valentino gown and cowboy boots if he wants me to.

Shwagdance!

2006-01-28T22:53:00.000Z

According to the Daily Dish, not all celebrities were leaving Sundance with their arms filled with gifts galore. When it comes to *shwag, its clear where you stand by how much loot you get to take home. Or not.

For example, former Bachelorette Trista and her husband Ryan Sutter, received sunglasses from Oakley and items from Kiehl’s but were “denied gifts from Motorola and Nintendo.” I didn’t know people actually got turned away from the gifting. I imagined it to be one huge smorgasbord, or shwagasbord if you will, of free jewels, electronics and clothes. But this does beg the question, what were Trista and Ryan doing in Sundance in the first place?

Remember Corey Feldman? He was turned away completely and had to leave empty handed! Oh the horror! Doesn’t anyone remember the Goonies? Darn it, that boy should have free everything for life. License To Drive, anyone? Stand By Me, ring a bell? How about Bikini Bandits? A huge talent, Corey Feldman is. Yet he was unable to score the freebies.

Justin Timberlake was bestowed with $7,000 Nefarious sunglasses. He asked for a pair to pass along to girlfriend, Cameron and received a second pair with no problem. However, fellow N'SYNC buddy Lance Bass was told he could borrow a pair of sunglasses but had to return them at the end of the day.

Paris Hilton received not one but two Nintendo game systems. Neither Lance or Corey got the Nintendo. If you are heading to Sundance for the freebies make sure you are actually someone worthy of getting the goods. Former child actor? You wont get much. An heiress? dingding! You hit the jackpot. Sundance freebies are good to those who can afford to pay for the shwag but don't have to.

*Shit We All Get

Madonna! Madonna! Madonna!

2006-01-26T16:10:00.000Z

I'm just wondering if you can sue for slander from a horrible photo? What's this, you ask? Why, it's just Madonna looking like PJ Funnybunny.

There's more to the story. She showed up at a fashion show looking horrid and messy and sloppy causing her very own friends to express concern for her well being. Judge for yourself in the above photo. This clearly isn't the airbrushed, cone- tittied sexpot of yesterday. Madonna is such an exercise fiend, running and dancing and burning calories to the point where her face is losing weight. Poor Madge! Don't we all feel so sorry for her? Nahhhhh.

Maddox tells his story...

2006-01-26T03:06:00.000Z

When she reached out for me, it was love at first sight. I was small and alone and in need of a good coif. I was living in a place called Cambodia but from my hut could hear the distant rumblings of a mystical town called Beverly Hills.

She adopted me, belted me into a front pack, clipped my hair into a style called a mohawk and divored a man named Slingblade who smelled like cumin and had horrible hair and bad fashion sense.

I was happier than I had ever been. Not only did I have a hot hair style but I had a room full of awesome toys, I had numerous washable tribal tattoos, my own mini-leather jacket and black helmet not to mention a drum set and a junior Hummer with a hemi. I had a driver and a specially imported nanny who spoke my native language.

I was eating kiddie caviar and washing it down with high quality, bubbly beverages. Everywhere I went, people wanted a piece of the Maddog. My own private airplane and yacht were at my fingertips. Angie was good to me. We were having a great life together. People wanted my photo and autograph, I grew accustomed to flashbulbs and peons chanting my name.

Yup. I was at the top of my game. Life was sweet. And then...

...unfortunately I made the mistake of asking Mummy to take me to a place where the elephants roamed free and monkeys swung in banana trees. I insisted Mummy buy me my own personal zoo stocked with non-biting and domesticated animals, instead she purchased for me a small child with large eyes who cried all the time. She was neither non-biting nor domesticated. Was I not clear in my instructions?

I called her The Intruder. Suddenly Mummy stopped carrying me everywhere and I was forced to walk, an activity not exercised on a daily basis . Sure I had Buzz Lightyear tennis shoes with velcro straps, but big deal. These legs were meant to stay off the ground unless there was park playing and sand castle building.

I finally understood the notion of three being a crowd. It was tough. I was sad. Confused. And found myself longing for a simpler time.

Enter the other interloper into my semi-charmed life. There was a guy around all the time who pestered me to call him Uncle Brad. How pedestrian!I was having none of it. I called him Mister Bradley, but he bought me the West Coast chopper I had been whining for. Finally I acquiesced to calling him Brad, which he misunderstood as Dad. A paint by number set of scorpions and spiders, a new tattoo, some dinosaur paraphernalia and I consented.

He took me on a safari guided by a native tribesmen and before I knew it, he tricked me into agreeing to the last name of Pitt.

Now I needed to tack on Pitt to my last name which completely lacks the panache of Jolie. Jolie-Pitt? Please, I rather be Maddox Billy Bob Jolie-Thorton. But I was promised my own wine celler when I turn seven, so once again, I obliged. I was confident in the knowledge that once I turned ten, I would be able to drop the gauche Pitt and resume Maddox Chivan Jolie which is stately and grand.

I tried my best to get rid of the Evil Trespassers. I wanted my Angie to myself once again. I relived the glory days of when it was just the two of us. The midnight helicopter rides, the motorcycle races on the back roads. The jets. The shopping sprees at Toys R Us. Cuddling in the silk sheets watching Spiderman and the Hulk while eating foie gras and lobster chips, washing down our impromptu picnic with sparkling berry juice. Truly, those were divine times.

I thought back to when we last discussed the collaboration of my memoir and our numerous trips to Haiti, Domican Republic, Cambodia, Pakistan, Africa, England and the Caribbean. Sailing around the world with my personal servant and tutor, private chef, language coach and my Cambodian history professor, it was all a memory. Zahara and Brad- what kind of names are those? -certainly not the superiority of the moniker Maddox, that was obvious.

I pulled out all the stops to get rid of the Evil One. I of course, had my own cellular telephone with free long distance, so I used it to my advantage, "Yes...you're needed in Antarctica immediately. Something suddenly came up...a starring role in a major film, we're talking a box office smash hit! You will be paid a trillion billion dollars for your work!"

When that didn't work I relied on my gift of sharp vocal impersonation, "It's me. We need to talk. NOW. I'm..having your baby!" Alas, nothing would pry his cold hands off my Mummy. Not even itching powder in his underpants, a little trick taught to me by one of my playmates.

I was forced to "make nice" even though I don't care to play that game. I was thrust into a globe trotting extravaganza with very little downtime for massages and Legos. Truly, it was quite draining. Plus, I had to actually walk on my legs which was a bitch. Im a guy who likes the comfort of being carried.

Seriously, it was time to go back to just being me and Angie. When were these people leaving? The large eyed girl and the man with the black hair and hideous last name needed to be taken care of. I wished I live on the Soprano's. Alas, I was not Italian nor did I know a burly hitman with a stealthy manner and a discreet nature.

After viewing the film, Napolean Dynamite, I insisted on moonboots which Angie promptly bought for me. She also purchased bags of candy and clipped my hair into a mohawk which had been neglected since The Intruders had so rudely interrupted our delicious time together.

Although I had to walk on my own small legs, we held hands and it was a wonderous and magical time. I was thinking things were finally getting back to normal and then...

...my world started to stink like a crap filled diaper. I could read the headlines. Angie was having a baby from her own body this time. No more trips around globe to hand select a sibling for moi. What gives? I felt my own life tumble like a carefully constructed house of Tinker Toys, knocked down with one fell swoop from Uncle Brad's meaty paws.

Even the promise of my own Ducati and a villa in France did little to cheer me. I grumbled and acted difficult. I insisted on being carried and would only eat oysters with melted butter for days at a time, breaking occasionally for Crunchberries. When I realized this situation was not going to improve, in fact- it was only getting worse as I heard the terms "marriage" and "twins"- I had to develop a plan.

I suggested to Mum that I star in my own sitcom, named of course, Maddox World. The networks said NO, even when I threatened to hack off my newly grown mullet and stomp on the ground wearing my Harry Potter shoes carrying my Star Wars light saber. What those network yahoos didn't know was that I was a genius at the ancient practice of voodoo. We'll see who's laughing now.

So, then I thought to myself, 'Maddox, what's an adorable kid like you going to do with all this talent and charisma packed into designer clad body?' Like a lightening bolt, it hit me. That's it! I would do what all out of work and down on their luck guys did, I'd be a rap star!

I'm dropping my single like an atomic bomb, it's called CamboZao! Its going to be the hottest thing going so prepare yourself. It will be on my self- titled debut album named -what else- The Regal Maddox. Naturally I left off the ungainly and tacky surname of Pitt. As if that name would help me sell anything? Please.

BLOGGIES

2006-01-26T03:00:00.000Z

Congratulations to all the super fabulous nominees for the annual Bloggie Awards. Happy voting!

I was sad to see Spririt Fingers, Manolo's Shoe Blog and Just Jared missing from the list, those three are daily reads for me. Well, there's always next year. And best of luck to Heather Armstrong of Dooce, who is a wonderful, talented and brutally honest writer.

Olsen Baked Goods- YUM!

2006-01-26T00:06:00.000Z

Skinny chicks Ashley and Mary Kate Olsen are continuing their quest to be the youngest, lightest, smallest and shortest girls to rule the world, adding baked goods to their universal empire. MK and Ash already produce a line of clothes for Wal*Mart, sewing the polyester shirts themselves until their teeny fingers become bloodied stumps. Workaholics, they are!

The twins are out there in the woodshop, hammering nails into the furniture they’ve designed and then it's straight to the lab where they use their nasal powers to create perfumes bearing their name. Stickers, notebooks, posters, shoes: the twins are controlling consumerism and we are simply pawns in their game.

According to InTouch magazine, MK and Ash are “ investing $2 million into a bakery in Los Angeles called Sweet Lady Jane.” That’s like me investing money into something I know nothing about such as StarTrek, Nascar and crab fishing.

Why not invest in what they have intimiate knowledge of, like that colon hydrotherapy center Paris Hilton is always seen running out of? I've come up with a short list of things the Olsen twins could invest their hard earned Full House residuals and WalMart cash into- including but not limited to-

"imported medicine" from Columbia, South America
tobacco fields
brewaries
herbal cigarettes
the rag industry
Range Rover
colon cleansers
diet pills
prescription plans
night clubs
energy tablets
calorie burners
muumuu's
boots
oversize purses & glasses

Mouth breathers

2006-01-25T23:41:00.000Z

P. Diddy and P.Latsis. You probably never drew the comparisons before but let me help, they are both mouth-breathers. You can tell by the way their mouths are very comfortably slightly opened. I can see them being droolers in need of a plastic lobster bib. I think they most likely would be sloppy kissers, very drooly with lots of tongue. I'm gifted in this way, predicting what kind of kisser a guy would be. Mucho saliva. Yuck!

Both dudes like their women slutty and their cars big. They like to cruise around on their yachts in the Caspian Sea and eat stuff like Fancy Feast caviar and drink Cristal. I thought once Paris Hilton broke up with P. Lat he would slink back to Greece and live happily ever after but no! He is here to stay. I think I will introduce him to Tara Reid and watch the sparks fly.

Paris and Jen chat on the phone

2006-01-24T05:09:00.000Z

"Hey bitch. Its Paris."

"Paris? Paris Hilton? ha! What are you calling me for?"

"I totally feel sorry for you after what you went through with Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez.

I want to set you up with this guy I know, Jane. He's like, Jewish or Canadian or something. You'd like him, he's sweet. He doesn't talk a lot, but he's crazy. And crazy can be hot. You know? Especially if there's Jaegermiester shots and a video camera."

"Pffttttt. You don't even know my name? Please! I'm Jennifer! And it was Brad, not Ben. I don't even know Ben Affleck.

Paris, please. I'm starring in six major motion pictures this year alone. Like you never saw Friends? Everyone watched that show. How do you think I got so rich? Honestly, not everyone can be an heiress. People have to work."

"Are you an heiress too? Whatever. I have lots of friends, Janet. I think you'd make a hot couple with this guy I know. Aren't you Greek? My boyfriend is Greek. He's from Germany. Or uhhh...what's that other place? Florida.

So why did Nick break up with you, Jessica? Men are jerks. But I love them anyway. The only way to get back at them- trust me, is to date a bunch of other guys and stuff like that."

"I don't need advice, that's what Oprah's for. And I really don't understand why you're calling me, Paris.

And by the way, if you're Greek, you're from Greece. Even Matt LeBlanc knows that. Who's Nick and why are you calling me Jessica?"

"Grease? Whatever! Don't you want babies? I love babies. I have a baby monkey and some crabs. I might still have them, I have to go to check. They were like, my pets. It was weird and kind of fun. Nicole Richie is such a bitch, isn't she?"

"Is this a joke? Do you know who I am? I was just in a movie with Kevin Costner. I starred in a film with Clive Owen. I am one of the hottest and most sought after actresses in the world. I'm the next Julia Roberts, do you hear me?

This is ridiculous. I have better things to do with my time like accessorize with gray scarves and black jackets. And brush my hair. And tell myself that it wasnt my fault.

You know, its all his problem. He had a wandering eye from the minute he started filming. Yes, I have issues, but who doesn't? And I want kids! He is just like every other man, a selfish pri- "

"Bitch, whatever, I don't know what you are talking about, Jan.

Remember we met over the weekend, at Sundance, in Europe. You know, the ski resort in Texas? We pretended the marshmallows were clouds and the snow was magical powder, wasn't that you? It was totally cold to snort and I got a brain freeze and wet my pants except I wasn't wearing pants, remember?

Anyway, this guy I want to set you up with, he's tall, dark and kind of hot. He wants babies. He's an actor and he's totally rich. Like, you two would be hot together, Jessica."

"My name is Jenni- oh nevermind. He wants babies? Oh, I want babies. Keep talking. I need to move fast and get pregnant right away. Do you understand what I'm saying? This is very important. And I want twins. Do you hear me? Do you understand?"

"No I don't. Not really. I love little dogs. I'm an animal person and I like to shop. Anyway Jasmine, I can set something up for you. Totally. Like, soon, okay? His name is Vince. You'll like him. And if he offers to tie you up, let him."

"Hmmmmm...you don't know I'm already dating him? Haven't you read the tabloids? I'm on the cover ever other week, Paris. I know Vince quite well.

Really. Learn to read hon, and not just look at the pictures. I've been with Vince since Brad brok- I mean, since I broke up with Brad's sorry ass, but I'm not bitter. Really! The Primal Scream Therapy is really helping. And of course Vince is helping me too. Of course."

"What? No no, not that Vince. I mean the other one...."

"Vincent Gallo at your service. Sperm for sale. On ebay or in person, your choice. One million of my prime, grade- A sperm. Right from the source. You and me, baby. How about it?"

"Oh lord! I rather have my ovaries fossilize than mate with him! DAVID ARQUETTE ARE YOU PRANK CALLING ME AGAIN?

Ummm....wait...how much are you selling those sperm for and do you ship Federal Express?"

Courtney or Britney?

2006-01-23T23:13:00.000Z

It's getting harder to tell Britney and Courtney Love apart! Is it just me or do these two share the same fashion sense, hair style, slightly doughy and pallid skin and saggy boobs?

I think we should just start calling them both 'Ney. Or Court'n Brit.

I didn't realize how alike they wore until I conducted extensive research this afternoon under the influence of my trusty vodka tonic with the mojito chaser.

Photos from Sundance

2006-01-23T22:59:00.000Z

Crispin Glover enjoys eating rats and watching horror movies. Courtney Peldon likes a variety of men including but not limited to Crispin and Jason Davis.

Vivica Fox loves plastic surgery and low cut gowns. She enjoys botox shots and collagen in her lips.

Paris Hilton enjoys drinking and wetting herself.

Bai love you long time! She likes the music of the Backdoor Boys and fondling her AA cups. She isnt crazy about clothing.

Ashley Judd enjoys buckles, belts and ponchos. She loves speaking down to people while using large words.

**photos are from the Gossiprocks forum**

Fart Donkey

2006-01-23T21:14:00.000Z

image from galleryoftheabsurd.com

Star Jones is still on her book peddling tour along with her 85 person entourage. After only fourteen months of marriage to stallion Al who has the face of an angel and the body of a centaur, she considers herself a relationship expert and a lifestyle guru. According to the reviews on Amazon, the book isn't worth the paper its printed on. The people have spoken and they all agree- she is hardly qualified to give spiritual or relationship advice. So if you are considering a purchase of this book, I would recommend something else.

Fart Donkey (as she is called in her inner circle, a pet name from Al) was so upset at the hideous and heartbreakingly terrible reviews, that she had her people do what they could to get the offending write-ups deleted.

Does this surprise anyone? And to the person who asked if I delete the harsh criticisms posted about me -- but of course! I have my people do the dirty work just like Star.

Friends

2006-01-23T20:57:00.000Z

Another victim of divorce, Hollywood style. Where can she find another bitter and single gal...

...on the prowl for hotties at Sundance.

I was shocked to learn that Catherine Keener and Demot Mulroney were getting a divorce. I don't know how or why but there is a divorce tsunami sweeping through Hollywood and it's downright scary. Whatever!

In other, more important news, the cast of Friends is so desperate for a steady paycheck that they are getting together for one of those dreaded reunion shows. Have you seen Schwimmer doing anything since Friends came to an end? Didn't think so.

Each cast member signed on the dotted line for a multi- million dollar payout. Jennifer Aniston was the last one to agree to do the show. I know it was a tough decision for her because she will "only" be earning a paltry $5 million. I would have guest starred for a mere $500,000 but no one asked. Jen is now used to making the big bucks as a movie star, not a television actress but lets face it, Friends wouldn't be Friends without Rachel Green. And Friends without a friend well that just wouldn't be Friends at all.

I think NBC execs should incorporate Will & Grace and do a two- hour movie spectacular where Joey discovers he is gay and starts dating Jack, while Rachel Green and Grace go into business together and then Grace starts to date Ross who broke up with Rachel. Tell me that wouldn't pull in huge ratings during sweeps week. Add David Hasselhoff to the mix and you can pretty much bet on an Emmy for outstanding movie or miniseries.

Kate and Jack Sitting in a Tree...

2006-01-23T20:45:00.000Z

Do I need to remind you that at one point, Kate Moss was dating the man I was supposed to marry, Johnny Depp? Now Kate is reportedly dating Jack Osbourne who is twelve years younger than her. If you're going to go young, find a hot boytoy, such as a male runway model with chiseled features and thick dark hair, eyes so brown they are almost black and a body that looks to be carved from marble. Not that I've given this any thought. Oh, and he should be naturally tan, not orange from a Mystic Tanning booth. And he should be able to carry on a conversation about politics, world events and reality television

Kate was dating a twenty year old model for about five minutes and has since dumped him for Jack. Perhaps she should take a spin through the revolving door of the Young Hollywood Dating Pool and give Brandon Davis a whirl.

Jack's personal motto is this: Once you go Jack, you never go back.

Drew does it in an opera house

2006-01-23T20:31:00.000Z

This dress was ultra unflattering in countless ways.

Drew Barrymore is trying to get over the ugly green dress debacle from the Golden Globes by having sex in a public place with her boyfriend, Fabreeze Moretti. There's nothing to take the heat off a poor fashion choice like getting naked in an opera house bathroom. True story. Unless you get naked on a subway because you drank too much and then someone takes photos of you and posts them on the internet...um, not...like that ever happened to me, it was a ... friend.

The opera was either so dull that they had to create some excitement or the arias were just so romantic, they were turned on and couldn’t wait another second to rip off each other's clothing. Once in the lavartory, a woman began to pee - not Paris Hilton obviously because she tinkles in the back of a cab, those faux leather seats are ultra absorbant- and then contacted a security guard who told Drew and her boyfriend to scram. How about a citation for indecent behavior under penal code 4983028472 ? We will just have to wait and see if a sex tape hits the internet within the next few months.

info from dailydish

Baby news!

2006-01-23T18:48:00.000Z

This is what Jennifer Lopez would look like as a mommy in the 70's. This is how Marc would look as a corpse.

This is what Jennifer looks like as a mommy to be in '06. Congrats on El Bambino, J. Lo!

I smell a line of baby clothes in your future...

Meg Ryan adopts!

Big congrats to Jennifer Lopez. According to my friend Jeannette Walls, Marc Anthony was shopping for baby clothes over the weekend and hinted that the clothes were for his baby to be. Like Kevin Federline, he has a other kids from various women so it's time to spread his seed with his current wife. And its never too soon to begin nanny shopping...

In other baby news...

Adopting is a very cool and hip thing to do as well as a politically correct move. Plus, its totally good for giving your career a nice boost and it gets you back into the pages of the magazines. If you can't get a divorce you may as well adopt.

Jumping on the adoption bandwagon is Meg Ryan. We haven’t seen much of her in a while. I think she went into hiding after her botox-a-polooza with side order of of lip collagen. Since then she went to rehab for her recreational usage of surgical enhancements but Meg’s back now in full force with a shiny forehead and plumpish lips.

Meg is adopting a baby girl from China. According to the trusty sources over at OK! Magazine, Meg will officially become a mommy for the second time on Friday. Congrats to Meg! When will the child's surname officially be Jolie-Pitt? That’s what I want to know.

FREE SHOES, PEOPLE!

2006-01-22T06:11:00.000Z

The glorious and ever stylish SS Love has managed to finagle another contest giveaway, this time for my favorite item: Shoes. Who wouldn't want a free pair of funky mules or some summery slip- ons? Yep, freeeeeee. All you have to do is..well, you're going to have to click here and scroll down to the Flip Flop Trunk Show contest to find out.

Good Luck!