MORE FAMOUS PEOPLE BLOG

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 8:57 PM 33 comments

FYI

I KNOW. The slow loading page is driving me to drink and dabble in illegal drugs. Just like Pete Doherty!


I'm moving to a new page so bear with me while I get it together.



In the meantime, I just posted an interview with Rent star Anthony Rapp. And be sure to travel over to the fashion blog and discuss some Project Runway with us! And check out the cool Human Rights Campaign tee shirts by Marc Jacobs!

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 10:02 PM 16 comments

Random photos and linkage

Nick wants half of everything in the divorce. He wants half of the money and the jewelry he bought Jessica. When Newlyweds began, he was best known for being the lead singer of the boy band, O-Town. I mean, N*SYNC. Or was it The Backdoor Boys? Either way, she catapulted to fame while he was forced to live in the shadow of his wife. That must have sucked!

Now Jessica is dating Adam Levine, singer from Maroon 5. Do you think she would learn her lesson and date a non-singer? How about that nice boy, Ryan Seacrest, wouldn't they make an equally tan couple? Anyway, Nick and Papa Joe almost got in a fight, over this whole divorce kerfluffle. Bring it on old man!





Scarlett Johansson looks like someone put her under a dermatologist's mirror and showed her what skin damage is. She glows! Rather than find her tropically cancerous skin condition attractive, I think she resembles a sixty year old socialite from Boca Raton with bad botox.


When asked if he was dating Teri Hatcher, George Clooney replied with an enthusiastic, "Hell to the No!" But he is sneaking around with Ms. Bulimia Squishy Cheeks herself, Ms. Renee Zellweger. The two dated a while ago and have been seen together recently.



With nothing better to do than think about creative ways to keep Katie's pillow from looking stale, Tom is considering a lawsuit. He wants to sue Life & Style for printing those awful lies about he and his lady love Katie splitting up. Nothing is further from the truth! They are so happy and in love, witness his fingers digging deep into the fleshy skin of her upper arm in the above photo.















Earlier this day, Jennifer Love Hewitt was shopping at the Hustler store. So rest assured she is wearing crotchless panties made of chocolate. Also, it was her birthday. I sent her a support bra and a bottle of hair dye. Her beehive is too dark and her boobs are drifting too far south.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 12:00 AM 30 comments

Eva's Panties

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 11:55 PM 9 comments

Eat Angie, Eat!

they think they can escape the paparazzi?

Angelina as a child

see the guy holding Angie's purse? I want one of those

Angelina Jolie has been told by her dcotors to chow down and put some weight on her skinny bones. Angie, as I call her, should be gaining weight in anticipation of the World's Most Beautiful Baby, instead she is starving herself. She needs to take a page out of Britney Spear's pre-natal guide and make herself some mayonaisse sandwiches and deep fry a couple of Twinkies. Secretly, I think Brad likes his women skinny. Brad encourages his girlfriends/wives to stay super- skinny and in return he will dye his hair to match theirs. It's true. For that alone I could never be involved with Brad. I like to eat!

Angie has gained twelve pounds thus far and is risking her baby’s health if she doesn’t start eating more. She’s in france! Croissants and fine baked goods, breads and chocolates abound, what's the problem? I would probably tip the scales at over 200 lbs if I were to move to France. Oh wait, French Women Don't Get Fat!

Brad and Angie are setting up house in France just like Johnny Depp. They are doing this in hopes that the paparazzi will leave them alone and they can be a private, normal family... normal Forget it!

The relocation makes it very difficult for Aunt Jennifer and Uncle Vince to come visit and babysit the infant who is rumored to be a boy and be called either William or Marlow. Plus, I don't ship gifts internationally so they can forget about a pair of mini distressed jeans from Auntie DJ.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 11:43 PM 45 comments

Celine and her crazy face

Celine Dion and Elton John sang together at a benefit to raise money for workers affected by Hurricane Katrina. The show was "aimed at helping some 8,000 workers of Harrah's Entertainment Inc. (the company had casinos in the Gulf Coast region)." (people.com)

The only thing worse than a night full of Celine Dion ballads is a night of Celine’s funky expressions which are downright frightful. The woman has a powerful voice, there is no doubt but her facial contortions rival Jim Carrey's. A face of silly putty yet the voice of an angel.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 11:23 PM 0 comments

More Paris?

Paris and her 'friend', Nicole Lenz

Sleazy photos of Paris Hilton and Val Kilmer are circulating, so consider yourself warned. The hot and heavy sex- a- thon has been captured in photos and the pix are said to have come from her vault of personal items. You know the storage facility where she forgot to pay her bill. Oops!

The pictures leave nothing to the imagination and I for one, don't want to see a bloated, boozy Val and a nude Paris romping around, you can get an STD just by looking at her. Ironically, Val also dated Zeta Graff, ex-girlfriend of Paris’s ex, Paris Latsis. So sleeping with Val was like sleeping with Zeta who also slept with Paris. It's just one big cesspool of disease with undertones of syphilis! Im going blind!

Now another X-rated video is rumored to have surfaced, this time PH goes Girls Gone Wild with Playboy model Nicole Lenz. One Night in Paris pales in comparison to this new tape. Lesbian action and sex play ensue...according to hearsay and gossip, Paris and Nicole decided to hole up at a luxury suite at the Bellagio Hotel (not the Hilton Flamingo?) after a night of drinking and partying on the strip. What are two girls to do when it's not yet time for their beauty sleep? Why not...make a porn? You know, those Gideons leave the Bible in the hotel room for a purpose, hint hint Paris. I'm surprised her cooter isnt held together with duct tape at this point. Maybe it is...

Says Nicole, "The moment we were in the room Paris had only one thing on her mind - sex. We lied down on a king size bed and took it in turns to play with each other. It wasn't long before we were naked and rolling around together." The two horny broads played with sex toys for hours, recording it all! Good thing Paris taught Tinkerbell how to work the video recorder.

Of course all parties involved deny the steamy night ever happened. We'll see when Two Nights, a Banana and a Curling Iron in Paris is available at your neighborhood video store.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 5:24 AM 15 comments

Random

Jessica Simpson totes her hairdresser Ken Paves around like he is a portable Malibu Ken doll while she's sporting the synthetic Barbie doll hair. I can't wait to see Jessica in her new movie roll where she plays a Wal* Mart cashier. I hope she wears a shapeless blue smock.

See what happens when you leave your pregnant girlfriend for a younger woman? Billy Crudup was actually rather hot before he got involved with Claire Danes. She hits him with the ugly stick every night before they go to bed. He's got crazy eyes!

Nicole Kidman better stop with the hair dye and diet pills because she's losing her pretty tresses. She's going bald! This is very severe. Maybe its a side effect from having the chip removed from her brain after the spaceship took her up to the intergalactic hideout of Ron Hubbard during her marriage to Tom. Could be.

MK Olsen had Bob Saget hot glue Mariah Carey's Lady Godiva extensions onto her head. Here's a tip: fake, long, pretend hair isn't pretty. Do you really want to look like a cartoon of a mermaid? How about a Kinkajou monkey wearing a Star Jones Wig?

This bitch never smiles! I would have a grin on my face all day and night if I had ridiculous amounts of cash like the Olsen twins, yet her mug is always in a scowl or pucker. Lighten up and count your jillions!

I try not to post porn so excuse this photo. Tom is whiter than Ryan Seacrest's bleached teeth after a Zoom session. Like Katie really sleeps with that apparition? Please. Disgusting! I bet he smells like novacaine and ammonia.

And Katie, Burberry plaid is so yesterday! Clearly you are too busy with your robotic instruction to keep up with fashion. Let the Scientology handlers know that you can shop on your own, okay?

Belly Watch: medium to large, mid-range.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 6:36 AM 38 comments

K. Fed Bomb

You bitches, its me, K. Fed comin atcha. Yo. Let me lay out there for you. I’s in the studio day and night workin’ on my new single which is droppin’ like a K Fed bomb soon. My rap song is called, Shizzle on my Swizzle. Yo man, the shit is tight. Peeps all up in my Kool-aid, shit. I'm keepin' it real and aint frontin' and when it hits the air, youre gonna know it.

Did you see my interview with that magazine? I dont know what one. What you think I am? Im a rapper not no scholar, yo! News…something. Newday. Newsmuntz. I’s tellin’ them that no matter how good of a rapper I is, and I'm good, peeps findin’ something to pick on me for. Yeah. Dats right. Everybodies ear hustlin and writin' shit about me. Yo man, Im just here tryin' to get my swirl on. Woo woo!

If you take a notice, my PopoZao gots 2 million hits man. My shit is the macaroni wit da cheez. You know it. Now Is tole Brit I don’t want her on my album. Its gonna be a hit. Real crunk. I don’t need her coming in my studio and messin shit up. She don’t know nada about rap, man, it takes talent. Talentizzle. My muzic is off da miz-onkey.

Heres what Im saying' "We have collaborated. But I'm not going to put the songs on this album because it's like, 'Respect me first; then I'll show you what I've done with my wife.'"

Show me some respect man, I deservizzle it!

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 6:21 AM 5 comments

Paris turns 25!

Paris Hilton turned 25 on February 17th which means she and I both fall under the astrological sign of Aquarius. Many Aquarians have mental problems, it's a proven fact and a reason why I'm so fond of my "happy pills" which Tom Cruise is trying to wean me off of. Paris is also known to have a delicate emotional constitution. Who would have thought we were alike in any way? Aside from that, the things Paris and I have in common ends abruptly.

In the above photos, either Paris is bloated or has a belly full of semen from a fellow party-goer, perhaps many deposits were made in the bank of Hilton that evening. We will never know because Paris doesn't kiss and tell. She does however, take copious notes and lock her journals in storage facilities. She also is open to video taping her exploits so stay tuned for a video surfacing on the internet.

In other P. Hilton news, she cites drugged out rocker Pete Doherty as a musical influence. Yes, you read that correctly. Click here for the full story. She wants to jump his fragile and coke- filled bones. Why? Because Kate Moss did and she's hot!

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 6:04 AM 18 comments

Cameron's run- in with a bird

According to the Mirror, Cameron Diaz was almost killed....by a bird. Seriously!

Since she is a Big Movie Star, she wouldn’t be caught driving herself around, instead her chauffer was at the wheel of a silver Range Rover when a carnivorous bird with giant wings and a pointy beak answering to the name Britney came swooping down, cracking the glass and showering Cam with dangerous shards! Now she has an excuse to apply band-aids to her many oozing zits under the guise of her "lacerations".

Her driver remained cool and collected, as if a killer bird smashing into cars was totally normal in England. I don't know, is it? I would never be in a moving vehicle with Cam, that chick is a walking disaster prone to broken bones and missteps. It wasn’t so long ago that she was climbing on top of a dresser when she took a tumble. (probably drug related). Another time she had a surf boarding accident (perhaps she was drunk) and before that there were other accidents, too many to count. Lesson learned? Stay away from Cameron. Even though she is filthy rich and dating Justin Timberlake, the risks you take while being in her clutzy presence simply isn't worth the company.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 5:40 AM 2 comments

Oh Dear, Britney....

child endangerment

cell phone + gas = explosion

POPZAO! KABOOOOM!

Britney needs a crash course in the dangers of life and all the many rules we peons must follow on a daily basis. She walks into a fecal- and- urine infested gas station restroom, eats junk food, smokes cigarettes, chats on her cell phone despite the obvious large warnings on the gas pump that warns against cell usage. Does she think rules were made to be broken? Yes, she does.

TMZ has a video she might be interested in...

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 4:55 AM 9 comments

Nicole cries

... slept with this man! She didn't even get paid to put out with Busta Rhymes. If I had to look at that mug and kiss those lips believe me, there would be an exchange of Benjamins if you get my drift. This is totally something Paris would do, not Nicole. After all, Paris slept with yucky druggie Tom Sizemore who looks like he's been stonewashed and acid rinsed then spun out and hung on the line to dry.

In other Busta news- well it all just pales in comparison to knowing he got it on with Nicole! She must have been high, drunk or smelling of desperation. Click here to read about what's going down with Busta and the murder of his bodyguard.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 4:42 AM 11 comments

Paris and her new RBFFN, thats Rich Best Friend For Now

She cleaned out the flour from her belly button, added a diamond stud and a dab of eau de dirty bedsheets and the essence of old money toilette water

The photos are of Paris Hilton at Camilla Al Fayed's birthday party in London. Camilla is Paris's alter ego heiress twin from England. Her dad owns the Harrods department store (her step-brother dated Princess Diana) and she grew up playing with Christian Louboutin shoes and Balenciaga gowns, obviously leading a childhood similar to my own. Oh, the memories of playing with mother's diamonds and sapphires, dressing up in Chanel and Yves St Laurent. My glory days!

Like Paris, Camilla decided not to pursue college because she "isn't academic". In other words, why go to school when your family is loaded and you will never have to work a day in your life? He's no heiress but I'm sure Kevin Federline understands.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 4:03 AM 7 comments

Jen goes hairless!

Jennifer Aniston got a full body wax for her new movie, The Break Up starring as you know, her real life boyfriend Vince Vaughn. Now she is as soft and slick as a wet baby seal! Eat your heart out Brad. Like he cares! He doesn’t.

The hair removal was for a scene in the film where Jen’s character Brooke gets nude in front of Vince's character named Shlumpy Pete (no it isn't- I made that up). So basically when I say Jen takes it all off, that includes all clothes and hair. I wish she was bald. That would be a dedicated actress to part with her lovely locks. You know, Angelina would do it in a heartbeat and then send her shorn tresses to Locks of Love!

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 3:38 AM 10 comments

Glove for sale

the magic is in the glove, along with other DNA...

It was just this morning that I was wondering what else I could buy on ebay besides a few liters of Vincent Gallo's sperm (I just realized how TomKat got pregnant!). Like manna from heaven, there it was in all its white splendor: The Glove.

Yessir, Michael Jackson’s single glove is for sale and the bids start at a mere $250K. A steal! A bargain for the glove that touched the hand that touched the crotch of the king of pop.

I don’t know why but Liza Minelli’s ex-husband David Gest owned the glove. Its a little something from his “private collection” which used to sit in a locked glass case next to Liberace’s rhinestoned purple knee socks and Elton John's hot pink, ostrich feather trimmed boa.

The description of The Glove reads:

"This is specifically a glove to be worn in concert as there are no stones on the palm side, so holding the microphone and manipulating the fedora hat is easier. On the back side of the glove are hundreds of rhinestones individually sewn on. This glove is a significant piece of pop history."

Funny, no mention of a free 2 liter bottle of Jesus Juice included with the sale of the glove, not even a dvd of the making of Thriller. What a rip off! Save your money for Michael Jackson's newly worn burkha from his trip to the Middle East. That comes with a free black wig and a coupon for a pair of Curious George pajama bottoms.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 3:14 AM 8 comments

Kelly to leave Reeeggggeeee

I'd fit in perfectly! Note the heavily sprayed and teased bangs. East Coast mall hair returns!

Kelly Ripa is thinking of leaving old windbag Regis so she can take the place of Katie Couric on the Today show. That is amazing because Kelly is not a reporter which means anyone can do Katie Couric's job, all you need to do is fake it. Fake it to make it as I always say.

This opens up a spot on the Live With Regis & ---- show. And I think I would be perfect for the job. I have no qualms about telling Regis to shut it when he talks about going down to Mar-a-Lago to visit Trump. Who gives a shit! I'd knock him in the chest with my elbow a few times and he'd stop showboating about his upcoming venues with Susan Lucci. Dude, lets get a younger demographic in the a.m! Plus working for ABC would give me unlimited Star Jones sightings and photo ops!

Says the ultimate trusted news source, The National Enquirer:

Under the bombshell deal, sources disclose Kelly would get her own talk show as part of an extended Today show — meaning she'd go head-to-head against Regis on Live! Insiders disclose that the potential deal is the brainchild of NBC head honcho Jeff Zucker. Said a close source: "Jeff realizes that Katie has her mind made up to bolt to CBS when her contract expires in May and take the big job as the evening news anchor — the slot made famous by Dan Rather."She wants to be taken seriously as a newswoman and CBS is confident she'll be the perfect fit. Despite all the money that's been thrown at her to stay, she's determined to exit."

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 1:31 AM 24 comments

UPDATE

HEY !

I've been out of town and unable to update. I know, I know- I need a Treo! It's on my wishlist, trust me.

Check back in later or tomorrow, I'll have to catch up on my celeb news and report back.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 9:00 PM 5 comments

Paris caught in flour bomb!

What could be better than a flour covered Paris Hilton at a Fashion Show given by fur loving designer Julien MacDonald? At first I thought Julien MacDonald was the guy from Nip/Tuck. Yeah I don't watch much television. Like Apple, Gwyneth Paltrow's daughter, I like to keep things light and dance to the Wiggles. They're hot!

Anyway, Ms. Hilton was pelted with bags of flour and Julien, most certainly not the Nip/Tuck hottie, was doused as well. Paris incidentally topped Peta's Worst Dressed List last year so she deserved the flouring too. Julien was targeted because he loves to create his fashions using furs, just like J. Lo. I hate fur! I rather go naked. That's why I'm wearing nothing right now.

"There is nothing remotely fashionable about the torture and death of animals killed for fur," said Peta Europe's Yvonne Taylor.

As for Paris, when all was said and done, she actually tried to snort the flour off herself, thinking she had been a victim of a cocaine shower. She was actually giddy with excitement! The funny thing was, everyone let her believe it.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 4:26 PM 24 comments

Tom Cruise, no longer cuckoo for Katie?

"Don't touch me with your human skin. Have you been doused in the sanitizing chamber?"

Ahhh, the days of innocence. The Ken Wahl of Wiseguy look. Give me Tough! Butch! Hetero!

After this appearence, Oprah bought new couches and burned the old ones. No one gets footprints on Oprah's furniture!

This is what crazy looks like. Evil eyes!

The internet is rampant with Tom Cruise- Katie Holmes rumors. Like a bad virus or a venereal disease, the gossip is spreading with no end in sight with a lot of red oozing sores and itching.

Life & Style magazine has a cover story on the break up of Tom and Katie. Their sources are very reliable. Here is a direct quote:

Multiple insiders confirmed the story to Life & Style, with one longtime friend of Tom’s saying: “Their relationship is basically over.” Another friend adds: “They both agreed that the marriage wouldn’t work and they wanted to end it before they learned to hate each other.” The insiders say that Tom, 43, and Katie, 27, plan to keep up the charade of a romance until after their baby’s birth this spring.

What I think happened is that someone forgot to flick Katie's switch to ON and she was starting to think for herself. Does the contract mean nothing to you, Katie? Millions of dollars and a luxurious lifestyle, all you had to do was act the part. Now we can put to rest who was the better actress, Katie or Nicole. Nic hung in there for ten solid years. It was an Oscar caliber sham. Too bad they dont give out awards for that.

Kate's been through hell- or at least, the Intergalactic Federation of Xenu's Confederacy- and back. She is going to need years of deprogramming and steady cognitive therapy, I'm not kidding. Maybe this is just a hoax- does Tom have a movie coming out soon?

In any case, if it's true, who is Tom going to approach for the role of his beard? Its a very lengthy process to induct a new member and he must be very picky.

Mischa Barton? No, Keds are evil. Nicole Richie? No, she might not be able to handle the emeter. Kanye West? Getting warmer...Ryan Seacrest...getting hot...Clay Aiken? Perfect! Oh wait, there's one small problem, he's... got red hair and a southern accent. Damn we were so close. Well, I hear Paula Abdul is single...and she's already short a few brain cells.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 6:58 AM 18 comments

Paris Does Munich

I don't know why Paris Hilton has to sully the good name of Disney but she is trying on clothes from the Belle Collection at the new Disney store in Munich. No, she really isn't, she's actually picking up an award for the Most Well Traveled Cooch of the Year! Oh gosh, that's so bad! I really do love Paris but I don't know what she was doing accepting a Woman of the Year award. There was a reason but I'm not interested in finding out what it was.

I'm sure the dresses she is trying on are some kind of cultural costumes but I couldn't help of think of Belle from Beauty and the Beast with pumped up cleavage and no underpants. Oh and a whopping case of syphilis.


*paris photos via JJB

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 6:46 AM 3 comments

Britney has a tummy ache and it hurts y'all!

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 3:30 AM 9 comments

Brenda Walsh in car crash!

"TMZ has learned that Shannen Doherty was involved in a car crash in Malibu on Monday and the other driver was taken to the hospital.

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ that the 34-year-old actress was driving her Range Rover when she made a left turn onto Pacific Coast Highway, striking a Mustang driven by James Warren Paul, who was taken by ambulance to a Santa Monica hospital. We're told Doherty complained of pain at the scene but refused treatment. "

Sure she refused treatment because she had been snorting lines off the steering wheel and drinking vodka as she was cruising down the PCH, a favorite stretch of Sean Preston Spears. Heck, if a five month old can navigate the road, what's Shannon's excuse? Exactly! She was under the influence. I know, Tori Spelling's engagement before she is divorced has me in a tizzy too. Who would have thought Tori had it in her to make not one but two men fall in love with her? And poor Brenda Walsh is sad. Even bloated Brandon is married. And it's Valentines Day, cut Shannon a break would you?

We feel Shannon's pain but thats no excuse for driving, drinking and snorting!

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 4:19 PM 17 comments

Random

a pretty girl but the smile...I don't know, its like she's wearing invisalign braces all the time and cant quite get her upper lips around them.

Oooh yes. Angelina would like Brad to get a penis enlargement, that's the rumor. Also, Oprah is taking Jen's side on the Team Aniston/ Jolie debate. Imagine if she gave out Team Aniston hats on her show?

Kirsten Dunst parks in handicapped zones because she feels she is handicapped by her fame therefore she should park where she pleases.

Dear Natalie, please eat.

Love, DistressedJeans

Ryan Seacrest and his Rent-a-Gal pal. I suddenly have visions of Grey Poupon gone wild. Do you think Ryan would put up with the jagged hem on that skirt? Nuh uh. That's how you know they aren't together.

"And then Daddy said he's gonna throw little ol' me a gweat big party-warty when my dee-vorce is final from that mean Nick!"

I'm sure that's like her makeup artist or childhood friend or something so don't jump to conclusions. That guy is too regular looking to be with Jessica-wessica. I love her jeans but hate those phony extensions.

It's nice to see Calista Flockhart out on Take a Senior to Lunch Day. You know, we shouldn't ignore the older people in our nieghborhoods. They have much to share. Good for you Calista. I hear Catherine Zeta Jones is involved in a similar program.

And the fight continues for the title of World's Most Beautiful Baby! In this corner we have Gwen and Gavin, while Brad and Angelina battle it out to stay in the game! Gwen's baby will be attractive and musically blessed while the Pitt kid will have large lips and acting chops.

Who will take home the crown and the million dollar prize plus a year's supply of rhinestone trimmed diapers?

*most photos credit JJB

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 6:46 AM 8 comments

Tom Cruise ...oye vey

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 6:36 AM 5 comments

Catherine goes tranny

Catherine Zeta Jones has been frolicking in the water with her children and her Pappy, but now it's time to get cracking and find some work. Shit, someone has to pay for her husband's Viagra not to mention all the medications he has to take for gout and constipation, the hearing aids and the jazzy he privately drives around their Bermuda compound. Look, his bones are frail okay?

Catherine is taking on the role of a transsexual cabaret star by the name of April Ashley. Ever hear of her? Me neither.

You know what's so like, yesterday? Adopting a child from a third world country, note to Meg Ryan! If you want any kind of attention, you must find a plum role as a gay or trans-sexual. Just ask Felicity Huffman and/or Jake or Heath. Secretly I can't wait to see Catherine with a penis!

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 6:30 AM 1 comments

Brit to lose weight via magic beans!

According to the Bosh and Star magazine, Britney Spears is taking a page from Anna Nicole's book of diet tips, slurred speech and inappropriate public behavior and set to gobble diet pills in order to melt the excess poundage away. I forever mourn the loss of fat Anna, she was so entertaining.


Britney loves her junk food and will be getting heaping doses of fried crawfish and gumbo and all kinds of southern cooking, high in the calories I might add, when she travels to her home state of Louisiana for Mardi Gras! You know if Kevin heads to Mardi Gras, its strictly to look at the boobage. I hear Little P is going to be driving one of the floats. Yee Haw! Every time I think of the great state of LA, I can't help but think of this movie, clearly overlooked for an Oscar but a screen gem nonetheless.

Mrs. Federline has packed on the pounds as we've all witnessed and analyzed to no end, and wants to rid herweight the lazy way: by taking pills. What, no Colon Blow? I prefer an old fashioned espresso enema, but that's just me. It doesn't work for everybody, just me and the Olsen girls.

“She has turned to a new diet-and-beauty pill that promises to curb her junk-food cravings,” reports Star. The pills claim that a person can lose 35 pounds in six weeks using them. For Britney, once a size 2, losing 35 pounds would bring her back to her old 105 lb. frame".

Stay tuned for the new Britney sporting sickly protruding bones and a fancy sternum a la Nicole Richie! Bones are hot for spring, I hear.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 3:50 AM 2 comments

BLOGGER

I'm so frustrated, I'm about to stick pins under my nails and popsicle sticks in my eyes. No really, I'm that upset.

Blogger is not responding to any of my one hundred emails, begging them for technical support. I KNOW the page takes six years to load and by time you read the news, it's old and outdated. I KNOW this. I keep contacting Blogger, I feel like a bunch of really smart people are sitting in a room pointing and laughing at my many desperate emails. Its the blow making me paranoid again.

I hope it's going to be fixed in the near future. I want to update my page but cannot get the whole thing to load within a reasonable time. If anyone can recommend a great equivalent to Blogger, by all means, shoot an email my way at distressedbluejeans@gmail.com

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 11:29 PM 20 comments

quick hits...

Creed frontman gets married, no mention of his public drunkeness, see you at Promise's soon..

Boohoooo! Michelle Kwan is crying... and no Tanya Harding in sight.


Neve Campbell is getting married, why bother? I bet she's divorced in ten months. These thing never work out.

Page Six The Magazine didn't invite me to write for them but they do have smashing photos of teenage Angelina Jolie's pufferfish lips.

Have you heard about JT Leroy? Well, he is a she and it needs Courtney Love's help!

Tom Cruise is trying to brainwash Kanye West to be the latest convert to his own wacky brand of religion, including the butt plug special and an emeter delite. He's doing this by allowing Kanye to create the theme song to Mission Impossible III. Then he will implant the chip and tuck him away. That means kill him and create a robot of his likeness.

Angie and Brad brand their children, just like cattle at the Southfork Ranch!

Britney disgusts singer Pink with her reckless ways!

The Kutch is coming to your computer!

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 8:07 AM 6 comments

Wilmer on Lindsay

Who is it? Hmmmmm. When you call out "Herbie!" does she turn her head?

Wilmer Vladamir might be finished with toying with Lindsay Lohan's delicate heart but he is concerned about our sweet nineteen year old who, if you recall, cannot accomodate Jared Leto's oversize sausage of a penis.

According to Star magazine, when he heard she slipped and cut her leg on a broken tea cup which I still can't figure out, his response was, "WTF is she doing at Bryan Adam's house?" I know! Like of all us, we were puzzled. We we also puzzled as to why she wasn't dry when she was making the tea? Are his stairs not carpeted? Does he not have a butler to bring the tea up to the room and lastly, why lotion on the bottoms of the feet and where were her slippers?

Wilmer is worried about Lindsay. He said in a direct quote, "Now you know why it [was] so hard to stay with her." Yes, I understand. Wilmer's friend was quoted as saying, "He thinks the girl is out of control, and it's only a matter of time before she goes too far."

Like going down two flights of stairs wet and naked and trying to do something crazy like carry a breakfast tray to her room. Insane! What happens then?

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 7:50 AM 3 comments

Queen Gwyneth Speaks!

OMG! She's just like the rest of us. She has a butt, and in it there is a hole for pooping!

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 7:37 AM 21 comments

Random photos for your pleasure

Nicky Hilton looks thrilled to be at the Ocean Drive party. I don't know what the shindig is all about. Its something that rich people and celebrities were invited to. Since my Escalade got repossesed and my mansion was sold out from under me, I'm not part of the "in" crowd by any means, not anymore. A pity, right? Well one thing is for sure, I'm not getting swagged but I'm not catching Hilton cooties either. That's like, one mutated virus away form the Bird Flu!





No offense to Uma, who is a lovely lady, but she could store a cantelope in her belly button. Check it out, people! Not only is it very large but looks deep too. If I were in possession of such a thing, I would keep a baby kangaroo in there for fun.




Marilyn Manson and model Lilly Cole. Lilly is friends with Kate "coke head" Moss and the two of them love to pass time by snorting lines and making fun of Sienna Miller and drinking lukewarm Bigelow tea.

Meanwhile, Marilyn Manson looks like he wants to roast that girl like a pig and chow down on her charred limbs. Gosh he scares me. He needs a wig, I see a receding hair line. Oh, Burt Reynolds would be pleased to recommend a super follicle care expert who does hair line transplants. Please don't kill me.


Paris needs to stand with her knees together so her inner organs don't drop like laundry through a shoot out of her cooch, landing on the floor in a heap. That would be messy! And gross. There's probably lice and craps attached to her uterus!

" awww....you little rascal!" That would be a totally flirtatious look passing between Jake and his "date" for the evening, some actor Ive never seen before which means he's no one special to me. Now I'm thinking the whole Kirsten Dunst affair was simply a bearding arrangement. Its true, all the good guys are either gay or taken. It's okay, Jake and I can still be the best of friends.

** photos courtesy of savingface

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 7:09 AM 5 comments

Little P in the drivers seat, Letter of Troof

rock, paper, scissors. Aint we cute?

'member the time we's got married and served chicken wings? Ahaahahahaha!



Y’all. I gots to tell you the troof. Me and baby Sean, we wuz shoppin. And I says to my bodyguard, Tiny, I says, “Hey! Woodnt be fun to have mah baby in mah lap? We’s can let little P drive! This big ol’ Lincoln practically drives itself!” and he don’t say nothing, he's real quiet like.
So then, I's puttin’ him on mah lap and he’s tryin to eat the steeling wheel, it was so cute. I wuz wavin' to people and smilin'. We’s pullin out on the the Specific Coast highway, when I’s noticing someone tryin’ to take our pikshur. I was laughing y’all cause I cant go but two steps wifout some papatardi’s taking my photo.

I wuz like, “huh?” and my bodyguard’s like, “Yo!” and I'm like “Yeah?” and then Sean says, “baa” and then my bodyguard says, “hey!” And Is like, "theys trying to take our pikshur right behind us, I's scared." but I's laughing the whole time, cause I's Bitney Spears!


I's git home later that night and I gotta say, Sean did real good drivin’! For bein’ only 4 munts old, he’s good on the road. Next thing ya know the po-leece are knockin’ at mah door! I had to hide in the closet with Kevin's clothes and almost fainted. The housekeeper sent the po-leece away, thank goodness, but Kev wuz real mad. “Why?” I asked him, “You let him drink from your beer cans and drive your motorcycles!” he's all like, "uh huh. Little P likes the Miller Light best of all."

He don’t say nothin’ But that next day, its all over the news and Miss Shar is saying she’s 'fraid for her kids to be with me. Like as if! Okay Miz Jackson, those child support checks wont be there this munth! How dare! She's slandering mah good name.

Shar said somethin’ like she be “horrified” and that she “couldn’t believe her eyes” and “what was Britney thinking?” well, Miz Shar you try running into the 7-11 wif bare feet trying to grab a pack a smokes and some Red Bull and then try to drive home wif a baby. Gah! I aint no superwoman.

Then see, what happened is that people's all over is sayin’ I did something wrong. My lawyers tole me to say the potpourri's were after me and I had to put P on my lap to pro-tect him. I was real scared for little man, thats what theys tell me to say. But you know what? I hate tyin him up in that there seat with the buckles that I don't know how to do and the straps confuse the stuffin outta me. Its easier fer me to carry him on mah lap and drive plus he likes to sit wif me. I aint sorry! I's just sorry I gots caught. Oops, dont tell mah lawyers I says that! Tinted windows all around next time.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 11:47 PM 14 comments

Saint Paris

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 7:53 PM 11 comments

HEADLINE NEWS

EVA LONGORIA, "I'VE LOST ROLES BECAUSE IM SO BEAUTIFUL."

RICHIE SAMBORA RECEIVES PROVOCATIVE EMAIL PHOTOS

BRITNEY SPEARS, "I MADE A MISTAKE!"

TOM CRUISE TO HIDE KATIE

TARA REID: "I AM SMART!"

these were actual headlines to news stories this past week.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 7:22 AM 12 comments

Jessica Debuts Slut Shoes

these double as a corkboard and a step stool and if you're crafty like MacGyver, you can create a belt and a raft from the cheap materials Jessica used.

Close your mouth before I shove a shoe in there!

"oh..me so cute! Daddy wuvs my Dr. Evil intamation- inition- initiation-? Whats the word? Oh, imitation."

Jessica Simpson as Dr. Evil and it's so not funny. It's not cute either. That was actually her response to when asked about Nick dating her best friend/personal assistant Caca Cobb.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 6:56 AM 22 comments

Be My Scientologist

The Gallery of the Absurd has some lovely celebrity Valentines for you to send to your friends and lovers. Once again the artist known as "14" nails Paris Hilton's lazy eye and Tara Reid's lust for booze. How romantic!

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 4:14 PM 3 comments

GRAMMY

I totally need a pair of those flesh hued tights so I can wear a thong in public. Last time I wore panties at the mall I spent a night in jail. Well, not really but I did get some bizarre looks.

Kanye West donned OJ Simpson's black leather gloves and a tuxedo jacket from the maitre' d at my favorite Italian restaurant. I dont know whether to rhyme 'aquit with fit' or order the Caesar salad.

Either way that crimson shirt is pointless, I suspect his torso is a bit drafty. The chick he's with has hella high hair. Kan-yay needs high heeled boots a la Prince.

Taking last weeks episode of Project Runway to heart, Faith Hill creates a one-of-a-kind dress with a plethora of spring buds. It's totally Kathie Lee Coordinates from WalMart. Meanwhile her date poses as an Oreo cookie. He's a double stuff.

Fergatroid from the front- not so bad, nice even. Ill go that far.

ACK! That big bustle is hiding a Depends. You know it and so do I. Nothing says class like an earlobe full of gold plated earrings from Claire's. She probably has a gold tooth, a molar most likely.

Fiona Snapple: now I know where the lost Olsen twin went.

WTF is Jennifer Love Hewitt doing at the Grammys with a black lab on her head? Or just at the Grammys at all? And I see she has stolen the outfit Sandy wore in Grease!

It's Christina Bratman, or Mrs. B if you prefer. She would look so much better if she didn't appear to be dipped in a vat of orange paint. At least send Jordan to get a Mystic Tan so he's not as pale as Scarlett Johansson's buttocks.

So many thing to be said about this. It's a lifesize lampshade for a bordello. It's George Clooney's lingerie. Its mail-order Black Widow lingerie. She's saving her pennies by ordering if from Fredericks of Hollywood. Its what a mistress would wear to the funeral of her lover (obviously with a matching hat). Teri should have donned Kanye West's black gloves for full effect.

You know under the dress she is totally wearing this! Uh huh. No really, be sure to click the link. You'll love it.

*thanks to Jessica Cutler for the last link, I took it off her site. Who else would know of this stuff?

*thanks to Linnea at JJb for the Grammy photos- She rocks!

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 2:57 AM 27 comments

Vanity nude

I know you've seen this photo by now like a million times. It's not such a big deal to see Scarlett's ivory buttocks any more. Rachel McAdams was supposed to be part of this shoot but when she heard she had to take off all her clothes and pose with a fully clad Tom Ford, she said and I quote, "Hell to the no!" and bolted.

Everytime I see this picture which is quite often as I have a life sized duplicate hanging on my wall, I think Tom Ford looks like Jeremy Piven and Scarlett J is Annette Benning. Tom/Jeremy looks like he is smelling Kiera's hair and she is above all of it. Scarlett's buttocks look nice and springy like a trampoline! Boing!

I quickly scribbled a note to Vanity Fair and suggested I pose nude on the next cover with Jake Dreamyhall and Johnny Depp. A blogger sandwich if you will. I haven't heard back yet which is odd because I think its a brilliant idea. What might also be kind of fun is me with K. Fed and BritBrit. Now there's a catchy cover. Y'all.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 11:52 PM 12 comments

GOSSIP FORUM

All the coolest bitches hang out and dish the dirtiest dirt on our favorite celebrities at this boardroom...click here to come play. And a special shout out to Ms. Fiona who invited me to stop by. This is a must see forum with plenty of gossip and photos and more.

I just tossed that photo of Ms. Lohan up for fun. No Lindsay gossip today. Other than the fact she said that trying to accomodate Jared Leto's huge penis is akin to shoving your size 8 foot into a size 5 Jimmy Choo. So basically her cooter is a shoe. An expensive one at that.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 11:39 PM 14 comments

CHEATER

I was reading world news and- oh who am I kidding?- I was reading the celebrity gossip and found out that Richie Sambora is/was really "good friends" with a woman (is it Paris? Could be!) who sent some nudie photographs to Richie via the computer. The internet is an evil tool, used for spreading filth but not yet communicable diseases. And thank goodness!

Heather found the sexy photos and was irate, as well she should be. I don't want my man oogling women online either. That reminds me of a dream I had where I was at a Hooters convention and I bumped into a very sexy Jake Gyllnhlll who will be called from this point forward, Jake Dreamyhall.

Where was I? Oh, right. So Heather and this gal and Richie were all friends to begin with, but Heather was having some funny feelings about this chica and the proverbial shit hit the fan-literally, she just had a colonic- when she viewed the Beaver Huntish pix. Richie was all, "Dude, I have no clue what this is!" and Heather of course didn't believe him because she is quite the hardass, I mean did you see her turn as Amanda Woodward on Melrose? Fierce!

Where does that leave Heather? Only with a gaping wound that used to be her heart. She and Denise "former Fleiss girl" Richards are good friends so they can cry on each others shoulders and maybe take pictures of each other and send those to Richie, with his wandering eye and lust for the ladies. See what you cant have Richie- with- the- mullet? Take that!

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 7:02 AM 11 comments

KIm Cattrall

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 6:57 AM 2 comments

Deep thoughts with Nick Lachey

Nick Lachey insists that his new single, which is essentially a Michale Bolton ballad redeux, is not about his painful split with the chicken/tuna deciphering Jessica.

Gah! You are totally not getting where Nick is coming from. He has dug deep, deeper than those boy band melodies, and pulled out a stinker called “What's Left of Me”. What's left of me right is actually a printer, a book case and some files while to the right is a telephone and a painting.

Some lyrics from his song, which is dropping like a hot dump soon, goes a little somethin’ like this: "I watch my life pass me by in a rearview mirror / Stuck in the shadow of my mistakes. Now I'm broken and I'm fading / I'm half the man I thought I would be."

Nick is not one to look for sympathy from his fans and is begging us to believe that the word to this song have nothing to do with Jessica. Well of course they don’t. I hear no mention of tight pants, big boobs, chicken wings or cowboy boots. But in reading between the lines, it's clear there is a dominating father with an unheathy interest in his daughters relationships who has driven the marriage apart.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 6:44 AM 3 comments

More Brit and Kev news...

Britney gots confused, y'all! The driving age in Louisiana is apparently five months. I don't see her wearing a seatbelt either. See you in traffic court, Brit! Hey little P, eyes on the road!

Apply foundation with trowel and spackle. Apply wig/extension combo. Apply red lipstick. Heavily line eyes with black kohl...

...wear your best casino cocktail waitress garb, preferably something that shows where babies come from. Bring as your date the magician who can saw a lady in two and pull unlimited ribbons of weed out his hat. Appearing for just one night, The Magic of Popo Federline aided by his lovely assistant, Skankaletta Spears!

In other news, Britney sat her son on her lap with her ever present bodyguard in tow and let Sean pretend to drive on a busy road sans seatbelt. I just hope she doesn't leave him in the car when she ran into the 7-11 for cigarettes and jerky!

But enough of underage driving and child endangerment! The plot thickens as "adult film star Kendra Jade admitted that she recently spent the night with Kevin Federline. According to Ms. Jade, the pair got drunk and spent the night together in a Los Vegas hotel room." source

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 3:40 AM 18 comments

Jordan to adopt!

...and worse from the front!

British celebrity Jordan wants to adopt a child so her son Harvey has a playmate. Aww! But she isn’t exactly following in Angelina’s footsteps, Jordan does not want a “*rainbow family.” She wants a "special friend" for her three year old son Harvey, who is blind and autistic. He is also very large and quite cumbersome. Carrying her son is difficult as she is just an itty- bitty thing and doesn't want to accidentally pop those implants while straining herself. It could totally happen you know. Incidentally, I know of someone who would absolutely LOVE to be adopted into Jordan's family, he's a little older than than what she might prefer but he is totally potty trained.

Props to Jordan who is the first to say that she takes good care of her demanding son- I wonder if that’s without the help of a full- time nanny? Judging by Jordan’s photo, she doesn’t have a full time wardrobe consultant either (or hair dresser, look at that wig!) so once again I find myself offering my services not only as a friend, but a stylist too. But NOT a babysitter.

*direct quote via Miss Jordan

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 3:24 AM 8 comments

Star Jones trying to be Paris

There's a joke in here about Star and her bitch or Star being a bitch, thats right. Either way, why the hell is she on what appears to be a runway? Look at that coy smile! Clearly she's hiding something ...like...I don't know, a gay husband and a stomach stapled shut and held together with duct tape.

And the dog says, "Arf arf! Let me outta here! Arf!

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 2:46 AM 9 comments

K. Fed, peace out!

I'm very very lucky indeed to have gotten my manicured hands on a copy of Kevin Federline's newest hip-hop sensation. He is known in the seedy underbelly of the rap world as Vanilla Ice Lite. Word! I present to you the new smash hit...which is untitled....goes a little somethin' like this-

They offer her a weight loss deal and I say ya gotta take it
cause when we gets gittin' busy, sometimes I gotta fake it

she used to be real skinny, I say that bitch was hot
but now 'cause the birth of little P, you know that she is not
when she opens her big mouth wide, I knows what she be doin'
she smacks her lips, gets some wings and then she starts the chewin'
womp womp womp

i like my woman skinny with a little popozao
im not diggin on a bee-yotch dat be the same size as a cow
when she sucks down a red bull, when she crunches on a cheeto
makes me light a cigarette and hit the clubs wif my man Tito

the soda, the candy and chowin' on the chips
in yo' mouth, down to yo' gut and right onto those hips
shake it! shake the booty on da floor, baby gotta work its
the Clearasil, ProActiv and Noxzema for those zits

I say, baby lose the fat go on a diet diet diet
she grabs a cookie fo’ her mouth then asks me to deep fry it

sometimes I tease her real bad, then she starts to cry
baby mama, look at yo’self, dont you wonder why
the chicks, they dig my grooves, my sweat, my stink
while you be sitting all alone singing to N*SYNC

I gots to find a suga momma to keep me in manpris
‘cause a hot woman with the funds can bring me to my knees
I like to make my own crunk tunes and be drivin fancy cars
I be hangin’ with the hotties, drinkin’ at the bars

Weight watchers, Jenny Craig and Slim Fast at the door
Shake your rump, lose the fat and popozao on the floor!


oinka oinka, ka-ching!

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 5:20 AM 10 comments

Jessica 411

or Donatella?

Give Jessica Simpson a few years, a chronic dose of Mystic tan and a run-in with a billy club and she's going to be Donatella's twin. Keep it up with the cocaine and perhaps your nose will cave in too! Well, hey there's always botox and collagen. I can't wait for that stuff to be available over the counter.

Ive read some interesting things about Jessica over the weekend. I heard she enjoyed anal sex with Johnny Knoxville which is nice. A little backdoor action is good for constipation, she tells me. She also calls Nick all the time. HELLO! He isn't interested because he's dating a real beauty queen- some backwater babe from the hills of a place where inbreeding is legal.

Jessica has been sleeping around, it's true. We know the path to true enlightenment and happiness is paved with cocaine, partying and sleeping with as many different men as you can. Jessica is a class act.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 12:48 AM 6 comments

Paris Hilton? Flava is calling...

This information comes via those in-the know-peeps at the Italian Ice Bitch Gal Pal Club! Holla!

So…Flava Flav, he of the gold colored rabbit pellet teeth says he wants to date Paris Hilton. I think they would make a fantastic couple and he could totally teach her how to tell time.
When asked what she thought of Flav’s plans to take her on a cruise ship with a Jacuzzi and provide “champagne, rose petals, strawberries, whip cream and all of that," she replied, “That’s hot.” Of course it is! We're talking Flava here! Hotness is obvious.

Paris, what do you think of Flava? “Who? Was he on Diff'rent Strokes? Oh wait, I know. Yeah..he's cute.”

And would you date him? “Yes, sure. Why not? Flava Flav,.. that’s a Greek name right?”

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 12:33 AM 4 comments

DONE?

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 12:20 AM 21 comments

Secrets of the Stars...revealed!

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 6:44 AM 13 comments

Olsen twins!

What have those loveable little Capuchin monkeys been up to? I haven't seen a lot of photos of those twins recently. I think they are very busy shopping and lunching, vomiting and recreational drug usage, enema taking and colon blowing, parties, a few fashion shows, trips to the salon and spa, you know. Those kinds of things. Very pedestrian, very middle class America.

I'm really am an awful like an Olsen twin. Except taller.

*photos courtesy of JJB

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 6:10 AM 6 comments

Ka Pow! David Beckham loses control!

Why, I'll knock you out, you bloody fool!

No one snaps my photo without my consent!

But you can take a picture of ME!

David Beckham was furious when he was followed by a paparazzi. David pulled his car over to the side of the road, violently pulled open the photographers door and grabbed him by the scruff of his neck. He began to yell in a high pitched voice and shook the photographer, scratched him and gave him a verbal lashing.

The paparazzi whose name is Ramon Perez San Roman Antonio Banderas, okay not that last part, he didn’t know what was going on. He’s all, “What? What?”

And Becks is all screaming and shit while Posh sits in the car, demurely paging through the latest Vogue magazine. You know she was. She couldn't care less. She probably wasn't even aware of what was going on. It's hard to stare at yourself in the mirror, page through a fashion magazine and pay attention to the outside world. I know, I've tried.

And the two engaged in scuffle. Simma down! Ramon Perez went to the hospital with “cuts and bruises to his neck and face”. The whole shebang is being investigated by a Spanish judge. Naturally there is more to the story: for the complete and in depth report, go here.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 5:53 AM 10 comments

Splitsville

Celebrity Date Match Up: Denzel, take that nice girl Mariah Carey out for some homecooking. Mariah favors all you can eat buffets and multiple bottles of champagne. She's a sloppy drunk so watch out.

Matching hats never bodes well. Awww Heather is going incognito as a cuddly little panther-bear hybrid. Babushka! First, Heather is tired of calling a grown man "Richie". Second, he is a chronic tanorexic leaving orange stains on their silk sheets. And lastly, he uses enough Aqua Net to burn his own hole through the ozone and Heather's health is in grave danger.

Celebrity Date Match Up: Bruce Willis. He's older, has three daughters, likes his women hot and is rich. True, he totally has the "ick" factor but has connections to Lindsay Lohan who Heather's daughter Ava adores.

The curse of Melrose Place: Josie Bissett and Rob Estes are calling it quits just like Heather Locklear. That's so sad because Josie's husband is a hottie! And she is a cutie too. Whats wrong with these people? They have good looks and wealth, what more do you need to be happy? *

Celebrity Date Match Up: Paula Abdul. She loves younger men and just broke up with her underwear model boyfriend so she's on the prowl. The only problem is that Paula may not be able to form clear thoughts and enunciate her words. Rob might not get a lot out of the relationship other than a free 8 x 10 glossy of Simon Cowell.

This came as such a shock to me. Weren't they just planning a wedding? Oh dear, is nothing forever? Only diamonds ... Without Lance to ride Sheryl's ass about staying in shape perhaps we will soon bear witness to a weight gain and bloat, so stay tuned.

Celebrity Date Match Up: I'm going to pair Jennifer Aniston with Lance. He is an entirely different animal than the usual actor boyfriend Jen's been paired up with. Please, Vince and Jen will not last, mark my words. Jen is a fitness fanatic and will intoduce Lance to the joy of yoga and tantric sex.

I think I'm going to introduce Sheryl to Nick Lachey. An older woman would be good for Nick who has had his heart broken by Jessica. Unless Sheryl wants to go running back into the greasy arms of Kid Rock who she dated many moons ago.

*just joking

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 8:58 PM 7 comments

K. Fed speaks...and raps

Yo, Im like, workin on some new shit and stuff. Im gitting down with the rap songs and Brit's been buggin me to come up with somethin' like a "love song". Sure, right, whatever. Maybe when Little P gets bigger, I can work on somethin' for him, we can rock out. No song for Brit right now, maybe soon. You never know when the mood, it hits. Its like you sitting there and POW! POW! POW! The music smacks you in the face like a whiff of Little P's diaper. POW!

For now I want to share with my fans what I's putting together. Were gonna have wicked drum beats and like, girls screamin in the background. Yo man its gonna rock out.

Your gonna be plowin down the 405 with the windows rollin down and shit, cranking up the Kevin tunes and singin at the top of yo lungs, you dig? Scream along, I dont care. Thats cool, seeing a chick in a car singing and screaming and getting crazy.

Im writin this song down right now- think about it with the vishis (vicious?) drums and tribal screams with a really crunk beat. Like, Pow Pow POW.. rump...POW POW, scream scream.

Here it is- so far:

Maow-maow-chicka chicka
Say What UP!
Waaaaooooga. Waaaaaooooggggaaaa.
Rump rump
Kevs in the hizzie
Making me dizzy
Crying like a shizzy
Being real bizzy
Getting down like a fizzy
say your name aint Lizzy
shakin' in a tizzy
in my hizzie
WOMP WOMP

Get ready for the gold records, peeps. And then me and Brit, we gonna get matching gold teeth. Man its gonna be sweet. Popozao!

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 2:29 AM 9 comments

Madonna cheating on GUY? Say it aint so!

Is that a walk of shame?

According to the latest reports, Madonna is gearing up to divorce her husband, Guy Ritchie, leaving him for a much younger man. It's positively scandalous! The hard core Kabbalah devotee is said to be sneaking around at night and making phone calls to this other man. Late night visits, weight training and naked yoga sessions ensue.

I find it hard to believe that uppity, faux British, good mannered Madge would do something like slink around like a two bit whore. But hey, the rumor mill is ripe with all kinds of hearsay, churning and spewing out lies and misinformation. Between you and me, I kind of hope its true...it makes for great gossip!

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 3:53 PM 15 comments

Lurid!

In a wacky and wild event, a storage locker containing what is described as Paris Hillons “lurid” and “compromising” possessions are for sale. Asking price for the goods, which I assume are video tape evidence of Paris having sex with Tom Sizemore, twenty million dollars.

“David Hans Schmidt, a Phoeniz-based broker who has made a good living selling celebrity sex tapes, tells TMZ he's in possession of the items, including videos, photos and journal entries he calls mind-blowing.”

Paris hid several items in a locker under an alias (Faris Pilton) as any smart heiress would do. I imagine all kinds of kinky and weird items being in the storage locker like used condoms and dirty underpants and old hair extensions with glue on the ends. Gross! Aside from that, there were clothes (with “DNA” on them) journals (a purple diary with a unicorn on the cover) furniture (one of those sex swings maybe?) and photos (Paris naked with several men including but not limited to Wilmer Vladerama, Brandon Davis, Starving Nachos, Paulie Shore, that other Greek guy, no- not Michael Dukakis!). I hear there were also several Chihuahua carcasses in the storage facility.

How does this happen, you ask. Well, she fell behind in the rental fees and the items were sold off at an auction. Imagine the lucky devil who bid on those items? Jackpot! You simply cannot put a price on dirty bedsheets.

Paris’s publicist, a chap by the name of Elliot told TMZ, “the contents were "illegally seized." Bidders are apparently more than happy to fork over the multimillion dollar asking price attached to the items which are more explosive than her infamous One Night in Paris video tape. Two Nights In Paris? Three Knights in Paris?

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 7:17 AM 6 comments

Friday Letter of Troof

Y'all, I just cant believe it. Well, Kev comes home the other night and he says, "Piggy," he says, "I gots an idear!" and after I tell him not to call me that no more, he rolls his eyes and scratches his balls and says, "Baby, we gots to have an open marriage is all." 'cept when he says 'marriage', it comes out as 'marrggge' cause he been drinking Colt 45 agains.

"You think its fair to keep all this to myself?"

..he axed me. And I's like, "Kev, you mah pimp and I's yur whore, remember our weddin, baby? Didnt those fried chicken fingers mean nothing?" and then he runs his hands thru his hair like he's real angry like, and he says, "There's too many babes out there, darlin'. I got's to share the goods." Cant argue there. He's a giver.

Y'all know what bothers me? Well, see lately when I drink a mocha cappacino- frappacino with whipped creams and a packet a' sweet n' low, he makes slurpin' noises.

And when I eat mah chips and mini muffins and chocolates and Hostess fruit pies, he oinks like a pig. He really gits into it, I gots to tell y'all. He's real mean like. He's oinkin and slurpin' and belchin' and on occasion he pretends to choke. If he's doing it fo reals, then I's not savin' his ass! Gah! Boy acts like he's having an orgy at a feedin' trough at slop time. It aint nothin you wanna see, trust me.

So then I think to misself, "Brit-brit, you gots to think about whas important to ya.' Well, yeah shur, like the baby and Kevin and Kevin losing mah million dollurs on that song he recorded. And him losing more money on gamblin'. And spending money on a Ferrari. And spending money on new clothes for hisself. And you should see the beef jerky that boy can put away. He spends thousands on Slim Jims. Oh yessir, that place at the Palms in Vegas that I aint allowed at. Whats I sayin'? Oh right.

I talked to mah ma, she's real smart. She told me not to marry Kev in the first place and sometimes, I think she might be onta something. But then Kevin comes around and sings Popozao in mah ear and when he dont smell so bad, I like havin' him around. Plus, he real good with baby Sean Preston. 'cept when he tries to take him for piercin's and tattoos.

Its true, mah ex-husband, Mr. Jason Alexander and Ms. Shar are sure dating. Theys sleeping together and everything. I thinked she was going out with that guy, Quintonio Tarantula? But she said they aint. But she is looking to git knocked up by Jason I think. Speaking of gitting knocked up, y'all....

Peoples been sayin' Im pregnant again. I ashure you it aint true. I sure wish it was. It would bring me and Kev closer, Im sure of it. Really, I is! Ill know when Im pregnant, cause Ill be eatin' mayo-naisse outta the jar again with a servin' spoon. Sure. And shrimp cock-tail with ketchup, just the way I like it. Yum yum.

"Oink oink!!"

"Kev, you shut yer pie hole!"

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 6:44 AM 9 comments

DIVORCE!

I'm shocked! Well, not really. People simply do not stay married in Hollywood so it shouldn't come as a surprise to any of us that Heather Locklear just filed for divorce from feathery haired Bon Jovi rocker Richie Sambora.

All the gory details and a download of the actual documents can be found right here.
Now Heather will be free to date ex-boyfriend Scott Baio. Or Nick Lachey. Or Charlie Sheen. Basically it's a buyers market out there in Hollywood so Heather will have her pick of the litter. Arf!

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 11:48 PM 0 comments

Pam Anderson as Miss Green

Pammy has taken Nicole Richie’s place as Miss Green. Nicole was all set to be the green M&M which I assume includes dressing in a puffy green costume shaped like the chocolate candy. Cute!

Those who were in charge of the launch the M&M campaign were concerned that Nicole would either be in rehab or in the hospital during the kick off for Miss Green. Nicole is literally wasting away before our eyes. You probably saw the photos of Nicole “eating”. Come on, you know she vomited her lunch up right after the picture was taken! And how believable is it to have Nicole acting as an M&M when she probably only sucks the candy shell off and spits out the rest of the candy? I think Pam is more likely to eat a handful of M&M's but only if they haven't been tested on a lab rat.


“Lots of money has gone into the launch, which will be held on Valentine's Day at the newly renovated Carousel in Albert Park (in Melbourne Australia).

For months, the chocolates' PR has been sending postcards from a Miss Green and alerting to nothing other than she is coming.”

In the meantime, HELLO! Can't someone do something to help Miss Nicole before she collapses from heart failure? A few bags of M&M's would acutally be good for her health.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 9:42 PM 0 comments

Rosie to Star Jones...

Rosie O'Donnell has a poem for Star Jones and it goes a little something like this:


the view
i can no longer stomach
as i have connected my heart
to my mouth
in a new bypass operation
shhhhh……
dont tell
now i only tolerate
a spoonful of crap
instead the normal full plate
pilates my ass
a how 2?
...what exactly
deluded is
as deluded does

I took the liberty of interpreting this poem. I translated it for those of you who don't subcribe to poetry-speak as done by Rosie O.

dude!

i can't handle watching you spew nonsense on The View! I hate that show. Every time you crackle, I eat a sleeve of Oreos. When you say something dumb, I open a box of Ding Dongs. And when the camera pans to you, flapping your gums its all I can do not to inhale my Little Debbie snack cakes. And people wonder why I've gained weight? Blame it on Star, I say!

bitch, please. You had bypass, now just admit it. See, that surgery didn't shrink your extra large noggin. You would have been a fabulous creature in my musical, Seussical.

i used to think you were tolerable, not I cannot stand to look at your cow eyes and your blow hole. And that so-called self help book? Please. I could write a book about my love of Koosh balls and Girl Scout Thin Mints and it would have more substance.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 9:21 PM 4 comments

Katie Holmes

I guess Katie Holmes really does have a baby on board unless thats a spandex suit with a built in baby-belly which is quite possible. Prone to fever sores, poor Kate has a herpes simplex brewing on her lip again. I told her not to kiss Tom without a dental dam!

For more Katie pictures, you know you want to see them, go here.

*photo from Just Jared

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 4:05 PM 16 comments

LAS VEGAS

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 9:42 PM 3 comments

TOPIC: James Frey/ Oprah Smackdown

I wrote my own thoughts right here. But what do you think of James Frey taking liberty to bend his truth in A Million Little Pieces? Did you read the book, did you like it?

I read the memoir and took a lot from it. I was looking forward to the movie version which was being discussed recently with Jake Gyllnhll and Ryan Gosling expressing interest in the meaty lead role as James. It still would make a fantastic film and I hope the studios still go ahead and make it.

Was Oprah justified in having James on her show to apologize?

Discuss amongst yourselves.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 9:33 PM 68 comments

Are you there Gay Role? its me, Brad.

and his hair was fluffy and it was good.

Here's a piece of news that makes me roll my eyes into the back of my head and pound my fist on the desk and cry out. When is retirement an option for movie stars? I think now would be a good time for Brad to relocate to East Nutsville in a small county in Wisconsin.

Brad Pitt is so impressed with the positive feedback of Brokeback Mountain that he is now searching for a juicy movie role in a gay love story. Might I suggest the Clay Aiken
re-enactment? Brad would make a swell Green Beret and costuming would be a cinch- just a green beret and little else.

A direct quote from The Sun states, "Brad has asked his people to find him a script to play a gay man. He wants it to be a story that appeals to both men and women and he wants it to be the edgiest work he's done.” I thought he and Angelina were pretty edgy.

Another quote "He's seen the critical acclaim that Brokeback Mountain has won and he wants a piece of it. Brad knows it would be seen as shocking to take on a gay role because he's seen as such a heartthrob. But he has never shied away from taking on controversial films, and he has often chosen to do smaller, more challenging movies, rather than go for the big box-office smash."

Brad, why don't you do something original and go for a role that has yet to be taken? I hear acting as a blogger can be very lucrative with tons of acclaim.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 8:57 PM 14 comments

Kate and Carmen

Carmen, DistressedJeans wants you!

Carmen Electra admits to have a girly-girl crush on Cocaine Kate Moss, who enjoys sniffing glue, nail polish remover and snorting rock salt these days as opposed to the harder stuff like crack and heroin. Personally, I enjoy the inhalation of some good old fashioned spray paint but that's just me being my wacky self. And don't even let me near the gas pump at my local Shell station. You can't tear me away from those fumes!

But I digress. Miss Carmen has been chosen as the new face of Max Factor cosmetics. There she is, celebrating in the above photo. What would make her life even more perfect is getting close to Kate Moss and feeling her bones crack and whistle as the two bump and grind.

Says Carmen: "I fancy Kate Moss. She has the best style. People need to give her a break. I’d love to meet her. You can’t deny her beauty and her sexuality."

photo of Carmen courtesy of gossiprocks

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 8:38 PM 7 comments

Supermodel: Avril

Punky singer Avril Levigne, she of the permanent scowl and heavily black lined eyes, has decided to become a fashion model. She even signed with Ford Models. I remember walking into the Ford Modeling office when I was a teen. Obviously that didn't quite pan out for me but I will never forget Eileen Ford telling me to come back when I got my braces and headgear off. It's always been a personal goal to be in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition, hey- we all have our dreams, right?

Much like myself, Avril would like to represent very high end luxury items in beautiful advertisements. I'm just putting this out there- if there is any company who would like to give me an Infiniti, Mercedes or Lexus automobile, a cell phone or Blackberry, a pair of Christian Louboutin shoes, a free trip to Paris or a Marc Jacobs spring wardrobe, I would more willing to model. Clothing optional. Gah! I'm such a slut- anything for merchandise!

A look into my crystal ball shows Avril modeling for Hooters, sports cars, acne cream and tampons. What's this? Fancy Feast? Yup.

Even though Avril isn’t very tall, she says, “I look through magazines and stare at ads and think, 'I'm not six feet tall, but I know I can do that'.” Sweetie, it doesn't matter how tall, it only matters how big your boobs are.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 8:28 PM 7 comments

Clay Gayken

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 8:17 PM 16 comments

Jennifer Aniston, Memoirs of a Woman Scorned

Jennifer Aniston is set retaliate against emotional cheater Brad Pitt by writing a tell- all novel based on her marriage to him. Jen has spent many hours scribbling in her journal and will spill the beans about her feelings and emotions for all of us to read. For over your $24.95 for a hardcover of Jennifer’s Diary for Brad. For that much money I want to know how she get those perfect highlights, how much she pays to have her hair done and does she prefer Mystic tanning to the old fashion beds?

Jen will detail how the split came to be (Angelina) whose fault is really was (Angelina’s) and who her resentment is directed towards (Angelina). I'm just guessing here that perhaps Angelina Jolie had something to do with the breakup although the marriage was on the skids for some time. Like the great poet said, 'It takes two to make a dream go right, it takes two to make it outta sight'. And it takes two to make a marriage fail.

I hope she includes the nitty gritty details of the life with Brad otherwise, why waste our time reading it? I'd like to know if Brad dresses as woman in his down time? Does he have annoyingly gross habits like biting his toenails? What was he doing on Sunset Strip in the early 1980’s looking for men? Is he really bisexual? Inquiring minds want to know! And seriously, when he guest starred on Friends, did David Schwimmer’s monotone voice make him want to stick his head in the oven? Gah, that would get to me.

Meanwhile, Jennifer and Vince are getting very serious and its been reported that the former playboy is moving in with Jen and the two are very much in love. It began as a friendship where Vince would make Jen laugh with his impersonations of Brad, and then through the laughter and the tears the two forged a beautiful romance…sigh. If only a Pegasus could sweep them into a candy filled sky, we would all live happily ever after.

In other news, Angelina has been complaining about how much she hates being pregnant and this is the last time she carries a baby Pitt. I understand, all the pregnancy aches and pains are no fun at all. Try labor and delivery, its like squeezing a watermelon through a keyhold if you want the truth. Plus, its hard to constantly fly in a private jet all around the world carrying the baby weight and feeling nauseas.

If the baby is a boy, she plans on naming him William Nairobi and if it’s a girl she will name her Marlow Kenya. Jamie Oliver is going to prepare the foodstuffs at their wedding, slated for Valentines Day-cheesey!- and Jen is boiling mad over this since Jamie is her friend too. And Guy Richie, Madonna's bitch, will play the role of best man.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 12:31 AM 44 comments