Brittany Murphy, songstress

Ashton Kutcher’s ex–girlfriend, high energy, frenetic Brittany Murphy wants to be a pop star. Don’t we all? If I had a nickel for every young actress who told me she wanted to be a singer, I'd be driving that tricked out Infiniti FX45 that I've been drooling over. Let’s face it, Brittany’s no Britney Spears. Well, Britney is no Britney Spears anymore really.

The Murph just sang on British DJ Paul Oakenfold’s album and now she wants to cut an album of her own. I think rap is very hot right now. How do you say "Luscious booty" in German? That would be a tight track. Popofarvegnugen!

Brittany is saying buh-bye to her acting career which is a shame because she plays those quirky roles so well. She just hired a music agent and is dying her hair blonde because blonde haired chicks have better luck in the business. Actually, “visions in her sleep told her to change the color of her locks” so she did. My last dream told me to go drive a truck and snort cocaine. Doesn’t mean I'm going to do it, although the time I drove a sixteen wheeler across the country was damn near the best time of my life..

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 11:56 PM 9 comments

99 Most Desirable

When I got the email from AskMen.com regarding the Top 99 Most Desirable Women, I was flattered. I didn’t realize I was so desirable that men from coast to coast wanted me! Really, it was such an honor. I practically wept. To be included in the list when I rarely show my face or body was quite something! A miracle, really.

Then I read the fine print and the email was more about me featuring the list of alluring woman than being one of them. Then, I really did weep. Askmen.com is launching their 2006 list of sexy ladies right this minute. I can't tell you who the number 1 woman is but I'll give you a hint: her name rhymes with Tessica Shmalba.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 4:11 PM 0 comments

Letter of TROOF

We looks like we be goin' to Homecoming y'all! Me and Kev, we got to go to the SAG awards. I got no clue what SAG means. But we got dressed up real purdy and Kev, he showered and combed his hair. I left mah baby with the some nannies and got dressed here in this blue gown that fits me real good, dont y'all think I look cute? We needed a night out thats fer sure.

So, I gots to tell ya what happened. My husband, he is so gosh darned crazy. He tole me he wuz gonna take Sean Preston for some Frito chips and a slurpee at the 7-11 so I needed to tan and I's like, okay, you can take the baby. Next thing I know, my assistant Fe tells me that Kev is headed to Claire's at the mall to pierce mah babies ears! No way! Yes! Im like, NO and she's like, 'Britney Jean, oh yes he is, darlin.'

I hopped into my car and drove real fast like that race car driver, Mario Spaghetti? Yeah, him. Finally, I catched up with Kevin and I was real mad, I was fixin' to pitch a fit. He thinked nothin of getting my four month babys ears pierced like Johnny Depp in that pirate movie with gold hoop earrings!

I let Kev have it and I telled him he dont need to come home if he's set on turning my baby into white trash! Only white trash people git their kids ears pierced at four munts. We gots to wait until Sean is at least a year, duh!

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 5:56 AM 17 comments

GROSS

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 5:47 AM 15 comments

HIGH

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 5:40 AM 3 comments

SUED!

According to femalefirst.com, Jessica Simpson is being sued, y’all. She can't sing her way out of this one. A Los Angeles woman is accusing Jessica of “copying her trademarked cosmetics range.”

Mara Fox, which is a stripperish sounding name, began Love Potion cosmetics back in the late 1980’s and is accusing Jessica along with Sephora and D’Lish fragrance, of infringing on her copyright. Jessica (Sephora) created that horrible Desserts Beauty Deliciously Kissable Love Potion which apparently is something very similar to Ms. Fox’s goods.

If I were Jessica Simpson, I would be utterly embarrassed over this. First of all, just taking a single whiff of the Desserts lotions and perfumes gives me not only a headache but an enormous cavity. Second, it's sickeningly sweet, no wonder why Nick left her. He was tired of feeling queasy because she reeked of a sugar refinery. Duncan Hines should sue her too! I've said it many times, her products stink like day old bakery cupcakes with gooey, barfy buttercream frosting.

Last, I wonder how this is all going to play out, perhaps Joe Simpson can wrangle a reality show deal out of this mess. I can see it now, Jessica headed to court wearing a low cut shirt and tight mini skirt, helped along by her father with his blindingly white teeth and a head full of new highlights for the occasion.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 5:33 AM 9 comments

Word of the Day

I thought it would be nice if I aimed to educate my readers. We could all stand to learn something new and vocabulary never goes out of style. With that being said, I present to you....

The Word(s) of the Day: B-bobbin shizle biscuit

definition: Something that is kick-ass good!

#1: Check out dis new playa'
#2: Wow, man! Dat's a B-bobbin shizle biscuit!

Try to work this into your next conversation with perhaps a loved one, a friend or even your boss or coworker. Stun them with your expanding word bank.

A little something along the lines of this...

"Did you happen to see the SAG awards last night by any chance?"

"Of course! Everyone looked great, I especially thought that Reese Witherspoon's hair style was
B-bobbin shizle biscuit."

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 11:27 PM 2 comments

Cheetorific!

Forget Jessica Simpson hawking dopey little cheese sticks from Pizza Hut during the Superbowl, Britney Spears has gone ahead and forged a much sweeter, crunchier deal. Click here to see the actual product!

Always seen with her stubby fingers deep inside a bag of Cheetos, the company decided to make Brit a spokesperson for the orange dusted junk food. Cheetos are not only high in fat but stain your hands, mouth and teeth a vile color and as an added bonus, will make your skin erupt in oil infused pimples that will take a full seven days to heal! Don't you want to buy a few bags and dig in?

Britney, as a spokesperson, will enjoy a lifetime of free Cheetos delivered to her doorstep and will also get to see her face on each bag in stores like 7-11 and various gas stations around the country. Cool deal!

As you might know, children are never too young to start chomping down on the Cheeto, as they dissolve into mush in even the youngest child’s mouth. Doctors actually advocate the sucking of the Cheeto as a way to pacify teething! It’s a win-win situation for Britney, Sean Preston and Frito Lay, who produces the snack food. Kevin Federline will surely find new inspiration for his *cough cough* rap career once he gets his grubby hands inside a bag. Crunch it!

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 6:32 AM 10 comments

SAG Awards

Now we get to see Michael Bolton at every event, but at least he isnt singing Should I admit that I saw in him concert over ten years ago? Forget I mentioned it!

Nicolette Sheridan is very mermaid-like, complete with the green tinted hair. Must be the reflection from the dress, I hope.

Hilary Swanky looked pretty but the giant bow on her dress looked like a teddy bear afixed to her gown. Look at those arm muscles, she could totally beat me up.

WTF is he doing at the SAG awards? David Hasselhoff himself doesn't even know. What's clear is that he is wearing the striped suit from the Mentos commercial where the guy rolls around on a freshly painted park bench adding stripes to his otherwise plain suit. Kudos to the Hoff for taking a fashion risk.

Felicity's dress was gorgeous, she's been looking lovely at the awards shows of late. Did you know she is a triathelete? I'm exhausted just thinking of running, swimming and biking for miles and miles. Perhaps if there was a good prize at the end, like a free boob job, I'd consider it. Eva looks nice in her sparkly gown, not sure about the hairdo. Is that a bob or just an updo?

Glad to see Joaquin is all right after his recent car accident. He is the strong, silent, creative type: mama like! I would really like it if he combed his unruly mop back and set in place with a hint of gel. Did we not learn from the Queer Eye guys that hair care is a must!? Aww, he can get away with anything.

Hi Jake Dreamy! I'm jumping on the Gyllnhlll bandwagon, this boy is cute! Do you think the Kirsten cooties wash off?

from E! online: Philip Seymour Hoffman (Capote) and Reese Witherspoon (Walk the Line) and the cast of Crash winning the top movie awards at the Screen Actors Guild Awards. The casts of Lost and Desperate Housewives topping the TV side.

**thanks to JJB for the photos!**

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 6:01 AM 16 comments

Uh oh!

You might know this pretty lady, Bobbie Thomas from InTouch magazine. She just made a major faux pas on the Red Carpet for Sag Awards, commenting on how she loves Sandra Oh on her favorite show, Scrubs...I would be remiss if I didn't at once correct this.

HELLO BOBBIE? You are planted on the Red Carpet and you don't even know that Sandra is not on Scrubs unless you are confusing her with Zach Braff. Sandra Oh is on Greys Anatomy.
You're welcome.

Oh, and I am very available for the next Red Carpet event.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 11:12 PM 9 comments

Celebrity Bites...

Meg Ryan in her basic black with clunky shoes and her new baby girl. Congrats Meg, my gift is in the mail. Oh all right, I'll tell you what it is: a long black sweater and a black skirt!

Hayden is dating Sienna Miller, putting to rest those persistant gay rumors. Do you seriously think a gay man would pair that striped shirt with the tweedy blazer? Proof he is indeed straight.

Boo hoo, collagen is wearing off causing that massive pout. Jessica is rumored to be putting in some time with Maroon 5's Adam Levine. She moved on from Nick quite fast! And where does this leave "assistant" Caca Cobb? Poor Caca, all alone.

I knew she would make a darling pregnant lady. Gwen is currently planning her new line of children's clothing including funky little tank tops and ruffled skirts for the tot set. Love, Angels and Babies.

For the love of True Religion, Britney hem your pants! Lollipop sucking and bodyguards come free with being a celebrity. The bodyguard is also utilized to hold jackets and shopping bags. I'll take two please! But hold the lolli, I'm doing Sugarbusters.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 10:54 PM 14 comments

Lohan hospitalized again!

Lindsay Lohan is back in the hospital. I wonder if the health industry offers the equivalent of frequent flyer miles? The girl just can't stay away from those craftmatic beds and IV's.
According to internet news, Lindsay was at singer Bryan “Summer of '69” Adams London mansion. I wonder if her mother, Dina is dating the cystic acne scarred singer?

Here is the official report from Star magazine:

"Lindsay was going up the stairs, carrying a ceramic teacup," Dina Lohan told Star. "She had just come out of the shower, so she was still wet and had some lotion on, and she completely flipped on the stairs. ... The teacup went flying, it was shattered and one of the pieces cut Lindsay on her shin."

Lindsay needed ten stitches for the cut on her leg. Such a fragile little dove, our Lindsay is. This whole thing reeks of something dirty. First of all, why doesn’t Bryan employ a butler like Mr. Belvedere to carry tea to his guests on a tray with linen napkins and scones?

Did Lindsay actually have to brew her own hot beverage? What kind of service is that? Secondly, why didn’t she wait until she was dried off from her so- called shower before getting her tea? Did she not have a pair of slippers to wear after she applied lotion to the bottoms of her feet? And lastly, what kind of lotion was it?

You know what I think? This is a big coverup like her "asthma attack from the Miami humidity" not too long ago. You know she was in the bathroom snorting Ajax and sniffing nail polish remover, carrying a bottle of vodka up those stairs when she blacked out and took a tumble. It's the only thing that really makes sense.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 9:15 PM 16 comments

Brokeback {{{spoiler}}}

Have you seen Brokeback Mountain, or as my friend calls it, Bareback Assplay? I know that’s so wrong and politically incorrect. Well, anyway, Ie received several emails asking if I've seen it.
I'm really not into cowboy culture although I do enjoy a dueling banjo now and then, and have been known to rock out to "Devil Went Down to Georgia." I had to see it because it's gotten so many fabulous reviews and let's face it, I was curious.

As you know the characters are named Jack and Ennis. Ennis, being only a P and an N away from being Penis which I think is whats called 'subliminal messaging'. The acting is excellent as is the blatant display of denim. Did Wrangler sponsor the film? Heath Ledger channels a crusty and weathered Clint Eastwood with a curmudgeonly demeanor. He is a man of few words with a twangy accent.

I'm getting ahead of myself.

Up on a cold mountain, watching those sheep with their long, curly white hair and wiggly little bottoms inspires lust in the two lonely cowboys. ‘Pitching a tent’ takes on a whole new meaning. I felt sorry for both the boys because all they ate were cans of baked beans and Bean-o had not evolved yet.

Pretty soon many years had slipped by and Jake/Jack develops a slight paunch and a pornstar-esque mustache. Michelle Williams as Alma, Ennis’s wife, kept quiet for a long time even though she caught Ennis making out with 'Jack Nasty'. If that had been me, I would have confronted my husband and then perpetuated the stereotype of gay men having good taste (I'll excuse the denim on denim look) by asking Jack and Ennis to help me with my hair color and new drapes.

Anne Hathaway’s hair looks worse and worse as the movie progresses and she goes from a rich brunette to a bottle blonde with a bad makeup job. Ennis doesn’t change a bit, he mumbles a lot and dates Scooby Doo’s Linda Cardinelli who sports a Farrah Fawcett winged coif and red toe nails.

Before long, the men have grown older and their marriages have grown troubled and I'm left thinking that if true love exists you need to grab it where and when you can and not let go. I was angry that Jack and Ennis did not live happily ever after and relocate somewhere warm where they could shed the layered LL Bean barn jackets and oversized hats.

Is the movie getting accolades and award nominations because it was a well done movie with superb acting, or because it pushes the envelope on what’s acceptable in a film? Whatever the reason, the movie has a strong Oscar buzz and- all right!- I'll go as Jake Gyllnhllls date in a Valentino gown and cowboy boots if he wants me to.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 8:26 PM 17 comments

Shwagdance!

According to the Daily Dish, not all celebrities were leaving Sundance with their arms filled with gifts galore. When it comes to *shwag, its clear where you stand by how much loot you get to take home. Or not.

For example, former Bachelorette Trista and her husband Ryan Sutter, received sunglasses from Oakley and items from Kiehl’s but were “denied gifts from Motorola and Nintendo.” I didn’t know people actually got turned away from the gifting. I imagined it to be one huge smorgasbord, or shwagasbord if you will, of free jewels, electronics and clothes. But this does beg the question, what were Trista and Ryan doing in Sundance in the first place?

Remember Corey Feldman? He was turned away completely and had to leave empty handed! Oh the horror! Doesn’t anyone remember the Goonies? Darn it, that boy should have free everything for life. License To Drive, anyone? Stand By Me, ring a bell? How about Bikini Bandits? A huge talent, Corey Feldman is. Yet he was unable to score the freebies.

Justin Timberlake was bestowed with $7,000 Nefarious sunglasses. He asked for a pair to pass along to girlfriend, Cameron and received a second pair with no problem. However, fellow N'SYNC buddy Lance Bass was told he could borrow a pair of sunglasses but had to return them at the end of the day.

Paris Hilton received not one but two Nintendo game systems. Neither Lance or Corey got the Nintendo. If you are heading to Sundance for the freebies make sure you are actually someone worthy of getting the goods. Former child actor? You wont get much. An heiress? dingding! You hit the jackpot. Sundance freebies are good to those who can afford to pay for the shwag but don't have to.

*Shit We All Get

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 10:53 PM 14 comments

Madonna! Madonna! Madonna!

I'm just wondering if you can sue for slander from a horrible photo? What's this, you ask? Why, it's just Madonna looking like PJ Funnybunny.

There's more to the story. She showed up at a fashion show looking horrid and messy and sloppy causing her very own friends to express concern for her well being. Judge for yourself in the above photo. This clearly isn't the airbrushed, cone- tittied sexpot of yesterday. Madonna is such an exercise fiend, running and dancing and burning calories to the point where her face is losing weight. Poor Madge! Don't we all feel so sorry for her? Nahhhhh.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 4:10 PM 49 comments

Maddox tells his story...

She adopted me, belted me into a front pack, clipped my hair into a style called a mohawk and divored a man named Slingblade who smelled like cumin and had horrible hair and bad fashion sense.

I was happier than I had ever been. Not only did I have a hot hair style but I had a room full of awesome toys, I had numerous washable tribal tattoos, my own mini-leather jacket and black helmet not to mention a drum set and a junior Hummer with a hemi. I had a driver and a specially imported nanny who spoke my native language.

I was eating kiddie caviar and washing it down with high quality, bubbly beverages. Everywhere I went, people wanted a piece of the Maddog. My own private airplane and yacht were at my fingertips. Angie was good to me. We were having a great life together. People wanted my photo and autograph, I grew accustomed to flashbulbs and peons chanting my name.

Yup. I was at the top of my game. Life was sweet. And then...

...unfortunately I made the mistake of asking Mummy to take me to a place where the elephants roamed free and monkeys swung in banana trees. I insisted Mummy buy me my own personal zoo stocked with non-biting and domesticated animals, instead she purchased for me a small child with large eyes who cried all the time. She was neither non-biting nor domesticated. Was I not clear in my instructions?

I called her The Intruder. Suddenly Mummy stopped carrying me everywhere and I was forced to walk, an activity not exercised on a daily basis . Sure I had Buzz Lightyear tennis shoes with velcro straps, but big deal. These legs were meant to stay off the ground unless there was park playing and sand castle building.

I finally understood the notion of three being a crowd. It was tough. I was sad. Confused. And found myself longing for a simpler time.

Enter the other interloper into my semi-charmed life. There was a guy around all the time who pestered me to call him Uncle Brad. How pedestrian!I was having none of it. I called him Mister Bradley, but he bought me the West Coast chopper I had been whining for. Finally I acquiesced to calling him Brad, which he misunderstood as Dad. A paint by number set of scorpions and spiders, a new tattoo, some dinosaur paraphernalia and I consented.

He took me on a safari guided by a native tribesmen and before I knew it, he tricked me into agreeing to the last name of Pitt.

Now I needed to tack on Pitt to my last name which completely lacks the panache of Jolie. Jolie-Pitt? Please, I rather be Maddox Billy Bob Jolie-Thorton. But I was promised my own wine celler when I turn seven, so once again, I obliged. I was confident in the knowledge that once I turned ten, I would be able to drop the gauche Pitt and resume Maddox Chivan Jolie which is stately and grand.

I tried my best to get rid of the Evil Trespassers. I wanted my Angie to myself once again. I relived the glory days of when it was just the two of us. The midnight helicopter rides, the motorcycle races on the back roads. The jets. The shopping sprees at Toys R Us. Cuddling in the silk sheets watching Spiderman and the Hulk while eating foie gras and lobster chips, washing down our impromptu picnic with sparkling berry juice. Truly, those were divine times.

I thought back to when we last discussed the collaboration of my memoir and our numerous trips to Haiti, Domican Republic, Cambodia, Pakistan, Africa, England and the Caribbean. Sailing around the world with my personal servant and tutor, private chef, language coach and my Cambodian history professor, it was all a memory. Zahara and Brad- what kind of names are those? -certainly not the superiority of the moniker Maddox, that was obvious.

I pulled out all the stops to get rid of the Evil One. I of course, had my own cellular telephone with free long distance, so I used it to my advantage, "Yes...you're needed in Antarctica immediately. Something suddenly came up...a starring role in a major film, we're talking a box office smash hit! You will be paid a trillion billion dollars for your work!"

When that didn't work I relied on my gift of sharp vocal impersonation, "It's me. We need to talk. NOW. I'm..having your baby!" Alas, nothing would pry his cold hands off my Mummy. Not even itching powder in his underpants, a little trick taught to me by one of my playmates.

I was forced to "make nice" even though I don't care to play that game. I was thrust into a globe trotting extravaganza with very little downtime for massages and Legos. Truly, it was quite draining. Plus, I had to actually walk on my legs which was a bitch. Im a guy who likes the comfort of being carried.

Seriously, it was time to go back to just being me and Angie. When were these people leaving? The large eyed girl and the man with the black hair and hideous last name needed to be taken care of. I wished I live on the Soprano's. Alas, I was not Italian nor did I know a burly hitman with a stealthy manner and a discreet nature.

After viewing the film, Napolean Dynamite, I insisted on moonboots which Angie promptly bought for me. She also purchased bags of candy and clipped my hair into a mohawk which had been neglected since The Intruders had so rudely interrupted our delicious time together.

Although I had to walk on my own small legs, we held hands and it was a wonderous and magical time. I was thinking things were finally getting back to normal and then...

...my world started to stink like a crap filled diaper. I could read the headlines. Angie was having a baby from her own body this time. No more trips around globe to hand select a sibling for moi. What gives? I felt my own life tumble like a carefully constructed house of Tinker Toys, knocked down with one fell swoop from Uncle Brad's meaty paws.

Even the promise of my own Ducati and a villa in France did little to cheer me. I grumbled and acted difficult. I insisted on being carried and would only eat oysters with melted butter for days at a time, breaking occasionally for Crunchberries. When I realized this situation was not going to improve, in fact- it was only getting worse as I heard the terms "marriage" and "twins"- I had to develop a plan.

I suggested to Mum that I star in my own sitcom, named of course, Maddox World. The networks said NO, even when I threatened to hack off my newly grown mullet and stomp on the ground wearing my Harry Potter shoes carrying my Star Wars light saber. What those network yahoos didn't know was that I was a genius at the ancient practice of voodoo. We'll see who's laughing now.

So, then I thought to myself, 'Maddox, what's an adorable kid like you going to do with all this talent and charisma packed into designer clad body?' Like a lightening bolt, it hit me. That's it! I would do what all out of work and down on their luck guys did, I'd be a rap star!

I'm dropping my single like an atomic bomb, it's called CamboZao! Its going to be the hottest thing going so prepare yourself. It will be on my self- titled debut album named -what else- The Regal Maddox. Naturally I left off the ungainly and tacky surname of Pitt. As if that name would help me sell anything? Please.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 3:06 AM 70 comments

BLOGGIES

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 3:00 AM 15 comments

Olsen Baked Goods- YUM!

Skinny chicks Ashley and Mary Kate Olsen are continuing their quest to be the youngest, lightest, smallest and shortest girls to rule the world, adding baked goods to their universal empire. MK and Ash already produce a line of clothes for Wal*Mart, sewing the polyester shirts themselves until their teeny fingers become bloodied stumps. Workaholics, they are!

The twins are out there in the woodshop, hammering nails into the furniture they’ve designed and then it's straight to the lab where they use their nasal powers to create perfumes bearing their name. Stickers, notebooks, posters, shoes: the twins are controlling consumerism and we are simply pawns in their game.

According to InTouch magazine, MK and Ash are “ investing $2 million into a bakery in Los Angeles called Sweet Lady Jane.” That’s like me investing money into something I know nothing about such as StarTrek, Nascar and crab fishing.

Why not invest in what they have intimiate knowledge of, like that colon hydrotherapy center Paris Hilton is always seen running out of? I've come up with a short list of things the Olsen twins could invest their hard earned Full House residuals and WalMart cash into- including but not limited to-

"imported medicine" from Columbia, South America
tobacco fields
brewaries
herbal cigarettes
the rag industry
Range Rover
colon cleansers
diet pills
prescription plans
night clubs
energy tablets
calorie burners
muumuu's
boots
oversize purses & glasses

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 12:06 AM 8 comments

Mouth breathers

P. Diddy and P.Latsis. You probably never drew the comparisons before but let me help, they are both mouth-breathers. You can tell by the way their mouths are very comfortably slightly opened. I can see them being droolers in need of a plastic lobster bib. I think they most likely would be sloppy kissers, very drooly with lots of tongue. I'm gifted in this way, predicting what kind of kisser a guy would be. Mucho saliva. Yuck!

Both dudes like their women slutty and their cars big. They like to cruise around on their yachts in the Caspian Sea and eat stuff like Fancy Feast caviar and drink Cristal. I thought once Paris Hilton broke up with P. Lat he would slink back to Greece and live happily ever after but no! He is here to stay. I think I will introduce him to Tara Reid and watch the sparks fly.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 11:41 PM 13 comments

Paris and Jen chat on the phone

"Pffttttt. You don't even know my name? Please! I'm Jennifer! And it was Brad, not Ben. I don't even know Ben Affleck.

Paris, please. I'm starring in six major motion pictures this year alone. Like you never saw Friends? Everyone watched that show. How do you think I got so rich? Honestly, not everyone can be an heiress. People have to work."

"Are you an heiress too? Whatever. I have lots of friends, Janet. I think you'd make a hot couple with this guy I know. Aren't you Greek? My boyfriend is Greek. He's from Germany. Or uhhh...what's that other place? Florida.

So why did Nick break up with you, Jessica? Men are jerks. But I love them anyway. The only way to get back at them- trust me, is to date a bunch of other guys and stuff like that."

"I don't need advice, that's what Oprah's for. And I really don't understand why you're calling me, Paris.

And by the way, if you're Greek, you're from Greece. Even Matt LeBlanc knows that. Who's Nick and why are you calling me Jessica?"

"Grease? Whatever! Don't you want babies? I love babies. I have a baby monkey and some crabs. I might still have them, I have to go to check. They were like, my pets. It was weird and kind of fun. Nicole Richie is such a bitch, isn't she?"

"Is this a joke? Do you know who I am? I was just in a movie with Kevin Costner. I starred in a film with Clive Owen. I am one of the hottest and most sought after actresses in the world. I'm the next Julia Roberts, do you hear me?

This is ridiculous. I have better things to do with my time like accessorize with gray scarves and black jackets. And brush my hair. And tell myself that it wasnt my fault.

You know, its all his problem. He had a wandering eye from the minute he started filming. Yes, I have issues, but who doesn't? And I want kids! He is just like every other man, a selfish pri- "

"Bitch, whatever, I don't know what you are talking about, Jan.

Remember we met over the weekend, at Sundance, in Europe. You know, the ski resort in Texas? We pretended the marshmallows were clouds and the snow was magical powder, wasn't that you? It was totally cold to snort and I got a brain freeze and wet my pants except I wasn't wearing pants, remember?

Anyway, this guy I want to set you up with, he's tall, dark and kind of hot. He wants babies. He's an actor and he's totally rich. Like, you two would be hot together, Jessica."

"My name is Jenni- oh nevermind. He wants babies? Oh, I want babies. Keep talking. I need to move fast and get pregnant right away. Do you understand what I'm saying? This is very important. And I want twins. Do you hear me? Do you understand?"

"No I don't. Not really. I love little dogs. I'm an animal person and I like to shop. Anyway Jasmine, I can set something up for you. Totally. Like, soon, okay? His name is Vince. You'll like him. And if he offers to tie you up, let him."

"Hmmmmm...you don't know I'm already dating him? Haven't you read the tabloids? I'm on the cover ever other week, Paris. I know Vince quite well.

Really. Learn to read hon, and not just look at the pictures. I've been with Vince since Brad brok- I mean, since I broke up with Brad's sorry ass, but I'm not bitter. Really! The Primal Scream Therapy is really helping. And of course Vince is helping me too. Of course."

"What? No no, not that Vince. I mean the other one...."

"Vincent Gallo at your service. Sperm for sale. On ebay or in person, your choice. One million of my prime, grade- A sperm. Right from the source. You and me, baby. How about it?"

"Oh lord! I rather have my ovaries fossilize than mate with him! DAVID ARQUETTE ARE YOU PRANK CALLING ME AGAIN?

Ummm....wait...how much are you selling those sperm for and do you ship Federal Express?"

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 5:09 AM 42 comments

Courtney or Britney?

It's getting harder to tell Britney and Courtney Love apart! Is it just me or do these two share the same fashion sense, hair style, slightly doughy and pallid skin and saggy boobs?

I think we should just start calling them both 'Ney. Or Court'n Brit.

I didn't realize how alike they wore until I conducted extensive research this afternoon under the influence of my trusty vodka tonic with the mojito chaser.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 11:13 PM 14 comments

Photos from Sundance

Vivica Fox loves plastic surgery and low cut gowns. She enjoys botox shots and collagen in her lips.

Paris Hilton enjoys drinking and wetting herself.

Bai love you long time! She likes the music of the Backdoor Boys and fondling her AA cups. She isnt crazy about clothing.

Ashley Judd enjoys buckles, belts and ponchos. She loves speaking down to people while using large words.

**photos are from the Gossiprocks forum**

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 10:59 PM 25 comments

Fart Donkey

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 9:14 PM 12 comments

Friends

...on the prowl for hotties at Sundance.

I was shocked to learn that Catherine Keener and Demot Mulroney were getting a divorce. I don't know how or why but there is a divorce tsunami sweeping through Hollywood and it's downright scary. Whatever!

In other, more important news, the cast of Friends is so desperate for a steady paycheck that they are getting together for one of those dreaded reunion shows. Have you seen Schwimmer doing anything since Friends came to an end? Didn't think so.

Each cast member signed on the dotted line for a multi- million dollar payout. Jennifer Aniston was the last one to agree to do the show. I know it was a tough decision for her because she will "only" be earning a paltry $5 million. I would have guest starred for a mere $500,000 but no one asked. Jen is now used to making the big bucks as a movie star, not a television actress but lets face it, Friends wouldn't be Friends without Rachel Green. And Friends without a friend well that just wouldn't be Friends at all.

I think NBC execs should incorporate Will & Grace and do a two- hour movie spectacular where Joey discovers he is gay and starts dating Jack, while Rachel Green and Grace go into business together and then Grace starts to date Ross who broke up with Rachel. Tell me that wouldn't pull in huge ratings during sweeps week. Add David Hasselhoff to the mix and you can pretty much bet on an Emmy for outstanding movie or miniseries.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 8:57 PM 21 comments

Kate and Jack Sitting in a Tree...

Do I need to remind you that at one point, Kate Moss was dating the man I was supposed to marry, Johnny Depp? Now Kate is reportedly dating Jack Osbourne who is twelve years younger than her. If you're going to go young, find a hot boytoy, such as a male runway model with chiseled features and thick dark hair, eyes so brown they are almost black and a body that looks to be carved from marble. Not that I've given this any thought. Oh, and he should be naturally tan, not orange from a Mystic Tanning booth. And he should be able to carry on a conversation about politics, world events and reality television

Kate was dating a twenty year old model for about five minutes and has since dumped him for Jack. Perhaps she should take a spin through the revolving door of the Young Hollywood Dating Pool and give Brandon Davis a whirl.

Jack's personal motto is this: Once you go Jack, you never go back.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 8:45 PM 8 comments

Drew does it in an opera house

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 8:31 PM 13 comments

Baby news!

This is what Jennifer looks like as a mommy to be in '06. Congrats on El Bambino, J. Lo!

I smell a line of baby clothes in your future...

Meg Ryan adopts!

Big congrats to Jennifer Lopez. According to my friend Jeannette Walls, Marc Anthony was shopping for baby clothes over the weekend and hinted that the clothes were for his baby to be. Like Kevin Federline, he has a other kids from various women so it's time to spread his seed with his current wife. And its never too soon to begin nanny shopping...

In other baby news...

Adopting is a very cool and hip thing to do as well as a politically correct move. Plus, its totally good for giving your career a nice boost and it gets you back into the pages of the magazines. If you can't get a divorce you may as well adopt.

Jumping on the adoption bandwagon is Meg Ryan. We haven’t seen much of her in a while. I think she went into hiding after her botox-a-polooza with side order of of lip collagen. Since then she went to rehab for her recreational usage of surgical enhancements but Meg’s back now in full force with a shiny forehead and plumpish lips.

Meg is adopting a baby girl from China. According to the trusty sources over at OK! Magazine, Meg will officially become a mommy for the second time on Friday. Congrats to Meg! When will the child's surname officially be Jolie-Pitt? That’s what I want to know.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 6:48 PM 11 comments

FREE SHOES, PEOPLE!

The glorious and ever stylish SS Love has managed to finagle another contest giveaway, this time for my favorite item: Shoes. Who wouldn't want a free pair of funky mules or some summery slip- ons? Yep, freeeeeee. All you have to do is..well, you're going to have to click here and scroll down to the Flip Flop Trunk Show contest to find out.

Good Luck!

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 6:11 AM 0 comments

HOFF! Watch it! Love it! Ooooga chucka..

You need to kick off your weekend in a positive and happy way. I know I do. My xanax hasnt kicked it yet and the vodka is doing nothing to numb the pain.

What could be better than David Hasselhoff bouncing amongst the tribal people and flying with the birds?

Click here for a most enjoyable video from the Hoff!

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 5:27 AM 19 comments

Posh, world domination

Pose like her.. .

Dress like her...

You want to be like her, dont you?

Armed with a ghostwriter, a unicorn notebook, a purple gel pen and a pair of tight pants, Victoria Beckham is setting out to light the publishing world on fire! She is working on a story collection for children, yes that’s right. The woman who confessed to never reading a novel in her life is writing a series of books. Her collection will bury Madonna's Kaballah inspired folk tales under a sea of cold hard cash.

Victoria is also designing a line of clothing because so many people want to look like her and dress like her and be like her, why shouldn’t she profit from it? That’s right. She is going to show us how to be Posh! But..but.. I simply cannot be that skinny! Or waxy looking.

I think this is a covert attempt by Tom and Katie to brainwash the public into Scientology. Recently Tom was rumored to be courting Posh and Becks, luring them into the Dianetic fold with promises of free spaceship rides, golden medals and trips to the moon.

Last week Katie and Posh went shoe-shopping, ensuring a way to insert the implantation/tracking device into Posh's Jimmy Choos. This is all a big effort to transform the public into becoming Xenu clones. Next on the roster is Jessica Simpson, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. Popozao!

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 3:39 AM 22 comments

Bean-o

Courtney Love, clean living does a body good! Makeup? check! Clean hair? check! Boobage covered up? check!

Frances Bean and her hard rocking, drug snorting mother.

Frances Bean Cobain is giving her mother an ulcer. Why? Because rather than have her own grunge rock mama perform at her 16th birthday party shouting out obscenities and doing gross and unmentionable things on stage, Frances would like to hire diva songstress Mariah Carey to sing for her. Personally I would chose Ricky Martin, I hear he puts on a good show.

Naturally Courtney Love is not too happy. Wouldn’t the party be just a tad cutting edge if Hole were to sing a few songs? The kids are sixteen after all, its time to rave!

Frances is no rebel when it comes to her pop culture preferences. Like almost any normal 16 year old, she likes Laguna Beach, American Idol and likes the melodious tunes of Miss Mariah Carey. She watches That's So Raven and enjoys the occasional Hilary Duff song. In fact, the teen is actually rather...normal.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 3:29 AM 19 comments

Jolie-Pitts

Thank goodness Brad Pitt has regained his bright and funny personality and is a hoot to be around again! For a while there he was a total sad sack and never smiled. It seems to Brad’s friends that Jennifer brought him down and made him depressed and morose. He was no hard core party boy, in fact being around Brad was a real downer. His friends say that he felt boxed in by Jennifer. Jen should have taken Victoria Beckham's advice and worn tight shirts and high heels. Maybe then he would not have felt so stifled.

I just read that Brad was successful in adopting Zahara and King Maddox, so congrats to him and my gift is in the mail. When you go over to the Malibu spread that Pitt and Jolie and the mini-Jolie Pitts inhabit, you will see toys scattered about, food littering the tables and shoes, clothes and a plethora of other child related items cluttering the house. And Brad likes it that way. He likes the sticky fingerprints on the wall and the diaper genie filled up and he doesn't mind tripping on Legos and cutting his feet on small hard plastic toys. He is laid back and happy.

Unlike Jennifer, Angelina couldn’t care less what he does and allows him to rip stuff apart and take out walls and renovate as he wishes. She lets him be free... free to be himself. Which is a goodwill ambassador and someone who wants to get involved in humanitarian causes and take flying lessons and travel the world in hoping to make it a better place for you and me. Thanks Brad!

The two plan to move into Brad’s Hollywood Hills home because they are quickly outgrowing the Malibu pad with the floor to ceiling windows and small bedrooms. With two kids and another baby on the way, they would be more comfortable in the larger home which the first Mrs. Pitt hated and refused to move into. It’s large and rustic with craftsmen style touches and lovely landscaping. Sounds good to me! When I should I pack up and move in? Surely Brad and Angie won't mind one more kid…

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 9:43 PM 69 comments

Random celebs...

..looks just like vintage Barbie!

Teri Hatcher is now dating George Clooney who is making it his mission to be seen with or sleep with every single woman in Hollywood. Rumor has it that George doesn't care for safe sex and prefers to ride bareback. This is good information to know in case he invites you to sleep over.

Careful George, Teri is breakable and delicate. Just look at those chopstick legs! Please buy her dinner and force her to eat.

Angie faints! She hits her head and suffers a minor contusion! The veins in her legs are bad and getting worse! Doctors suggest bed rest but she won't hear of it! She then heads out to fly her plane! Meanwhile, Jennifer Aniston is poking her voodoo Angelina and voodoo Brad dolls with pins!

Victoria Beckham's advice to young ladies looking to snare a hot man?

Wear yeast- infection inducing tight pants, high heels to give you bad ankles and hammertoes and wear a shirt so tight that the guys can give you a visual mammogram! She didn't say anything about tanning or dieting but it's pretty much implied.

Look! It's Suztranny Sommers! Doesn't she look like a female impersonator of herself?

Before I knew that Britney was at an Indian temple doing a ritual of some sort, I feared she had been shot in the head by a sniper (Shar Jackson). Whew! Glad to know its nothing like that.

Look at baby Preston! Those pudgy little cheeks just beg to be squeezed! Can't Aunt Distressed Jeans babysit, Britney? Please? But I don't change diapers.

Matthew McCoonahoogey looks like his skin has been tanned, treated and is ready to be made into pumps and a matching belt! Alligator skin? No thanks, I prefer McCoonahoogy hide.

Jen and Slingblade and movin' in together. She moved on from heartache pretty quickly and wants a baby NOW. I hope Vince is ready. There's no way Jen is letting Brad be the only one to make headlines with a newborn baby, rumored to be named William. Get with it Vince. Well, if all else fails I hear Vincent Gallo is still peddling his sperm on ebay. Happy Bidding!

Kiki Dunst is morphing into Mischa Barton! Now she just needs to hook up with Brandon Davis and the transformation will be complete...

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 5:35 PM 22 comments

File under EWWWW!

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 5:29 PM 7 comments

Ricky takes a leak

I can't believe critics have nothing better to do than sit around and pick on Ricky Martin for his enjoyment of a golden shower. For those of you who are young and innocent and need to be schooled in the term, -well, to be blunt- a golden shower is when someone pees on you. And you like it.

Some people feel that because Ricky enjoys being urinated upon, this renders him incapable of running his humanitarian foundation. Which is ridiculous. Think of all the jellyfish stings he could assist with!

He recented divulged his secret to a reporter. Big mistake! There is a real stigma when it comes to talking about your preferences during sex, showers or peeing. Whips and chains are good, blindfolds are acceptable, shoe fetishes are rarely frowned upon, but tinkle is pretty much taboo.

This is what he said- "I love giving the 'golden shower. I've done it before in the shower. It's like, so sexy, you know, the temperature of your body and the shower water is very different."

Later, Ricky backpedaled by saying, "blah blah blah… never did it cross my mind that my comments would spark this absurd and sensationalist public discussion…blah blah." Good thing he didn't discuss his love of the mud slide. That would have been really embarrassing!

Ricky kicked of his Golden Shower tour in El Paso, Texas on Friday January 13.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 5:42 AM 11 comments

Jodie Marsh- novelist!

Well duh! All I need for a book deal is a Bedazzler, some denim boots and a cowboy hat. Oh, and big boobs.

British model Jodie Marsh is a repressed author who signed a lucrative five book deal and has begun typing the first chapter of her novel very recently. For those of you not in the biz, its very difficult for the average person to get an agent or a book deal. It's a road paved with nothing but rejection for most. But not when you are Jodie, fresh from being kicked off the British version of Big Brother.

To think I've written many novels yet none of them are agented! Oh, I know why. Its because I don't have breast implants. Everyone knows a book deal is based on the size of your chest and your advance is directly proportionate to whether or not you have modeled in men's magazines. So that’s where I've gone wrong! Along with a manuscript, its imperative to send a long a collection of nude photos and a centerfold spread to all agents. My friends in the literary business will agree with me on this one.

Jodie said: "Writing is what I want to do long-term. When I've had enough of all this, and made enough money to live comfortably, you won't ever see me again. I'll be sitting writing at a computer like my favorite blogger, DistressedJeans!” Why thank you Miss Marsh! The way to achieve status in the publishing world is to create a gossip blog. It's true. The road to the Pulitzer is paved with blogging. It’s a known fact.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 5:08 AM 9 comments

Colin's sex tape

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 5:03 AM 9 comments

Madge, the vintner

Like Star Jones, Madonna has cornered the market on several media outlets. Her latest venture will be peddling wine. It will have the mellow undertone of sweaty lycra with a pulsating aftertaste of hair- dye and Kabalah string.

The hot pink bottles will include Madge’s face on the label, with her gap-toothed smile and a British flag waving in the background. Music today, wine tomorrow. I hope she doesn't crush the grapes with her own feet, that would be sick. Madonna is the new Andrew Firestone!

Fear not Kate Moss and other drug and or alcohol addicts, Madge has taken into consideration those friends who don’t indulge in the adult beverage arena and is producing a non-alcoholic wine as well. Thanks Madonna, for thinking of the little people.

Meawhile, daughter Lourdes wanted to try out for a role in the next Harry Potter film. She printed out the information and went to her mother filled with excitement mixed with fear. Much like Oliver Twist, she bowed before her mum and asked, “Please ma’am, may I try out for the movie?” only to have Madonna snatch away the paper and shake it in Lourdes’s face.

“There’s only one star in this family and that's ME!” she growled. Gah, she's like Joan Crawford without the scary eyebrows and wire hanger. But with Lotsa de Casha.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 2:28 AM 20 comments

No party for Kate

Kathy Hilton knows how to party sans bra!

Whitney knows how to smuggle the weed in her ratty hair.

A party just isn't a party without Tara! She brings her own booze.

Do I even need to comment?

Tom Sizemore utilized The Whizzinator to pass his drug test. Not only is he crafty but he slept with Paris Hilton, when was the tape available for purchase?

Kate Moss has revoked the birthday party invite she sent out, fearing that I or some of the other guests would be smuggling drugs into the soiree. I hardly think Colon Blow is a drug so I was rather offended when she told me I was no longer welcome.

Kate’s party planner had put together a lavish 1950’s themed party to celebrate her 32nd birthday. It was going to be held at Steven Speilberg's Los Angeles compound. I haven’t been there since Tom Cruise and I met up for dinner years ago. And I narrowly escaped the Emeter, but that’s a whole other blog entry. I was thrilled with the themed party idea, I was going to go as Marilyn Monroe, of course!- but then Kate decided to go with a low key dinner at the Olive Garden instead.

Ms. Moss feared that someone, Courtney Love or Tara Reid cough cough, would smuggle illegal drugs into the event. That's probably true and Kate didn’t want the threat of crack in someone’s pockets to ruin her party. If need be, Tom Sizemore has a plethora of drug test tricks to beat the system. Party on Kate!

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 11:40 PM 11 comments

Getting to know you, getting to know all about you...

Kevin Federline frankly doesn’t give a beaded cornrow about what you think of him. He is just fine with his talent and his songs and his budding rap career. Hey, he doesn’t call himself the New Vanilla Ice for nothing.

Kevin wants people to know what he is about and who he is. I've long asked myself, who is the man behind the manpris? And now, like manna from heaven, droplets of Kevin Fed. knowledge will be raining down on us. Please douse me with all the information my brain can handle. I wanna get to know Kevin!

Inspired by the raspy voice of Journey frontman Steve Perry, Kev initially wanted to create a rock album, but kept coming back to his real love: not Shar, not Britney, not his three kids, but rap music.The melodious rhythm and soothing strains of Eminem convinced Kevin to go into the studio and record Popozao. Popo Wow!

Says Kevin, "I believe that no matter what, if it's real and people feel it that's what it is, it doesn't matter." Allow me to interpret what he is saying...what he means is that no matter what people feel and if that's what it is, then that's what you make of it and that's what is real and it doesn't matter then you can feel it and its not real then it doesn't matter even if it's real. Get it? Gosh, he is so deep! Ponder his words and feel your emotional growth blossom!

Even though he is busy hawking his single via Myspace and the Home Shopping Network, he hasn’t signed a record deal yet. Shocking, I know! He should totally form a boy band with Bobby Brown and MC Hammer. That would be awesome. Especially if he wore those super baggy low crotchy Hammer pants in a nice floppy satin.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 11:35 PM 9 comments

Golden Globes

I was partying so hard last night that I just stumbled in this morning, full of excitement and glitter!

I know you are anxiously looking for photos of celebrities in all their Golden Globe splendor and I doubt you will find a more comprehensive gathering of celebs in their party gowns than right here. Cheers!

Newsflash! Moments ago, SS Love, my trusty stylist - friend - sartorial guru- posted her thoughts on the Golden Globe fashions. Click here to read her pearls of wisdom. Did anyone miss Star Jones wheezing on the red carpet along with Gay Al standing awkwardly to the side holding her rhinestone studded dog and satin purse?

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 6:32 PM 1 comments

A DVD gift for Katie

Here is just a sampling of the films Katie received:

Sybil

Pretty In Pink

Don’t grab your wine bottle and start guzzling in depression because you know you will never own such a keepsake. Keep it in perspective: In order for Katie to receive such a special present, she had to sell her soul to the spirit of Elron Hubbard who promises from the grave to come back and re-enact Battlefield Earth with John Travolta. That’s a tall order. But well worth it to Katie who cannot think, speak or act on her own free will.

In fact, to get the dvd’s to play all you have to do is insert the movie into the flap in the back of her head and The Outsiders or Vanilla Sky will project from her stomach onto a blank wall! You should hear the quality of her speakers too. And her surround-sound is to die for.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 3:31 AM 21 comments

Tyra is cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Adrienne Curry, the first America's Next Top Model, has a few unkind things to say about super bitch, supertalk show host, supermodel, Tyra Banks. In the Fedbuary issue of Playboy magazine, Adrienne comments, "She's really mean. She's Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde!"

Tell me more!

Curry goes on to say, "She can be the sweetest person in the world, but once that camera is off, she's Naomi Campbell, in your face." One look into my all- knowing, all- revealing crystal ball and I see Tyra bitch slapping and yelling and wig pulling. I see extensions being ripped off and a violent anger that only a tranquilizer gun can squelch. This is so good, its like bad television! Wait, it is bad television – have you seen the Tyra Banks Show?

I had suspicions about Tyra for a long time, ever since she pushed me out in front of that black Hummer on 57th street in New York City. Adrienne finally confirmed what we all thought to be true, that Tyra peels off her face when she goes home at night and let's her pointy horns and long tail free from restriction. She works for "the dark side" and I don't mean Xenu.

Sure Tyra comes off as cool and nice and concerned about young girls but once those cameras aren’t around, she is barking orders and pulling a diva routine best reserved for the likes of Madonna. And Tyra ain't no Madge! One minute Tyra is professional and using big words like “modeling contract” and “fierce” and the next thing you know she is slipping into her ghetto routine and going all DMX on us.

No wonder why Janice Dickinson left ANTM! She couldn’t deal with Tyra’s duel personality, her big fake boobs, her high forehead or the threat of being killed in her sleep by Tyra's alter ego, Satan.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 11:01 PM 25 comments

Crack is whack but Whitney is fine!

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 7:30 PM 12 comments

The women of Desperate Housewives

Teri Hatcher says she doesn't believe in plastic surgery and the thought of having it done is weird.

How about the thought of consuming more than eight hundred calories a day and limiting the colonics to once a month? Teri looks like she is in poor health and suffering from early onset osteoporosis and anorexia. I suggest she gain a few pounds and not stand next to Jessica Alba.

Oh Eva! She recently noted that it's a burden she must carry to be so beautiful. In fact, she even loses out on roles because of her overwhelming beauty! There are tears in my eyes as I write this. Poor, sweet, pretty little Eva!

It's really tough to be gorgeous, truly. Don't you feel her pain? Much like Mischa Barton who notes that being so good looking is actually a curse, Eva feels that her beauty is like heavy baggage she must hoist around like an elephant on her back. sob sob. I imagine Eva walks around whining, "Why did God make me so beautiful? Its simply not fair to the ugly people!"

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 7:21 PM 42 comments

Letter of Troof

I luv to wear hi heels!

No zits on mah back today!

Mah hairstyler had the day off.

Dear fans,

Y'all, its been real long since I posted a letter to y'all. See, me and Kev, we's been real busy wif mah baby, Sean Preston. We's be callin' him Preston. So me and Preston we went shoppin the other day 'cause Kev tole me I needs some new clothes. I' still wearin' maternity stuff! I have a big ol' belly and which makes me sad, y'all! But Preston is like, so worth it. The nanny tells me he's a good baby.

We's thinkin' about having another baby! Yup. I wanna get back in shape and get real famous again. Kev says we need the money! His new song, which is real catchy and fun- Poopoozoo- just earned us enough for diapers and jerky this munf. My people tell me I gonna have to go back into the studio and start makin' music. But I'll never fit into another red rubber catsuit, that gave me a mean ol' camel toe. I wrote a song about Kev, yur gonna love it! Maybe we gonna do another reality show, y'all. Thats why we filmed the birf of Preston. So you could watch it! Cool huh?


So, did y'all hear that Cameroon and Justin are engaged? Isn't she like, forty year old? Yep. She's gonna have a baby and I hope she gits real fat! Me and Kev are gonna have a baby and then Justin's kid and our other baby can play together, it'll be real fun. After the next kid I'm totally gonna get in shape. Really! Shar tolds me that I should have a baby real fast and eat lots of fried chicken and mayo and butter cause that'll help me lose weight. I dont git it. Whatever!

Well, I gotta go, my personal chef says mah philly cheesesteak sandwich is ready and Kev needs his feets scratched. See y'all later!

luv,

Brit!x0x

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 6:58 PM 15 comments

Hoffing Around

you can watch him...

I couldn’t possibly drag myself from my four poster bed with the imported French silk sheets after receiving the tragic news that David Hasselhoff was filing from divorce. Oh Hoff, not you too! The latest and greatest trend in Hollywood is ditching your spouse for...drumroll please…Irreconcilable Differences. Its not "in" to be married. Its hip to go after the young starlets and kick your wife of sixteen years to the curb! After all, those botox shots can get pricey and a mature gentleman such as Heir Hoff must travel with a wrinkle free companion.

All the fame from the Spongebob Squarepants movie went to his head. The fifty three year old Hoff is now ready and open for business, ladies. Wink wink. I see a Jessica Simpson- Hoff pairing in the near future. He feeds right into that daddy-complex.

On this Friday the 13th, with the full moon and the looming Hasselhoff divorce, the best way to self medicate is by inhaling Baywatch Man cologne until my eyes water, and by watching Knight Rider reruns while eating out of my Baywatch lunch- box and listening to the soothing, golden throated warblings of him singing the hit, "Wir Zwei Allein" and my favorite, "Flying on the Wings of Tenderness." Pass the tissues! These songs come from one of his many albums and has been described as, "A white-knuckle, deep-throated love fest!" Yes, yes, YES!

You must take one moment out of your busy day to pay tribute to this latter day Elvis. For more fun than a day of watching those red swim trunks in slow motion, read what his fans say about him.

Let's take a look at just a small sample of films that made us laugh and cry. The man, the legend, the very popular in Europe...The Hoff.


A Hoffwork Orange
Hoffice Space
The Hoffinator
Hoff: Fully Loaded
Star Wars: Revenge of the Hoff
Hoffy Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Hofface and Gromit
Charlie and the Hofflate Factory
Hoffagascar
The Dukes of Hoffard

Please consider yourself officially Hoffed.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 5:41 PM 14 comments

FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

I love giving things away. If you go here, you can win a free ED HARDY hat of your choice and if you go here, you can win something sassy from TRASHY DIVA.

Cheers!

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 8:21 PM 3 comments

Star Jones, Singer

Dear Wonderful People,

My name is Star Jones Reynolds and I had the good fortune to meet a lovely, manly man who made my dreams come true. He is my personal yummy Hersheys Kiss, my strong and sexy Al. I love him so much that I created an actual album of songs dedicated to the man who looks like browned butter and actually melts my heart. He has the strength of an elephant, the face of an angel and the legs of a mighty beast. Even when he hits the Turkish baths wearing nothing but a silk robe in the changing room, he is more masculine than a bull! Al is my lion, my witch and my wardrobe.

I warn you, brothers and sisters. Looking at Al will create an erotic tension in your bones that you will not believe. The first time Al and I made love, we actually created sparks and started a fire! It's true. I sing about it on my cd and I openly talk about Al's sexual magnetism in my best selling book, Shine.

I wrote and recorded dozens of amazing songs, all about the very manly and not at all gay Al. The tracks on the album include:

Big Al
Sexy Al
Al Got Fired and Mama Don't Care
Sexual Chocolate
Wigs and Shoes and Men, oh my!
Alone at a Gay Bar at 3 a.m. - Not My Al
Barbara Walters Wears A Diaper and Joy is a Bitch (oops! How did that get in there?)
Ignite Them Sheets
Al is Hot
Hot Lover
Riding Him Like a Horse


There are many more songs, too many to list here. Just buy the cd and while you're at it, be sure to buy a wig from my Star Jones wig collection, but not before you buy my very good and informative book, Shine. It will be your emotional and spiritual guide for 2006 based on my own personal experience which is vast and educational for people like you.

I inisted on an 85 person entourage when I do my book signings and I also requested we stay in top hotels and have all meals catered by professional Cordon Bleu trained chefs, only the best for Mrs Reynolds and her sexual stallion. We love oysters! My wigateur is on hand 24/7 because Al and I, we need to save time so we can have sexual intercourse as much as possible and I dont want to fuss with my hair. I also have a special effects coordinator to create my natural looking cosmetic application. Al enjoys being powdered and fluffed too. Its something that helps the sexual tension build between us, as we each get our makeup done.

All my chocolate bunny and I do is have sex and let me tell you when those magical candy hands caress my buttocks its better than watching Meredith Viera trip and fall on her face at the studio. Let my songs, my book, my very essence, my AOL love coach gig and my many high quality, 100% Korean wigs be your guide as to how you can live like a diva, like a superstar, like the woman who is Starletta Jones, like me.

Its unfortunate I had to fire the E! channel from my personal television appearance lineup but when you are as in demand as I am, certain things must suffer. But not Big Al. He is satisfied in every way as only a woman like myself can satisfy a man like him.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 6:27 AM 30 comments

Nicole Richie with SteveO

I mean no disrespect to those of you who might possess or know someone with any form of mental disability. But I really thought that Steve-O from the Jackass show was, for lack of a better word, retarded.

I watched the show only a few times because lets face it, I'm more of a E! True Hollywood story kind of gal. Was it SteveO who pinned his butt cheeks together? It surely was Steve who fell through a glass table. It was Steve who got his armpits waxed. They do crazy nonsensical things on that show which is why it appeals to those who long for the glory days of Beavis, Butthead and Cornholio.

Nicole Richie appears to be dating SteveO. Nicolio. This confirms the email I received alerting me to the fact that Nicole is heavily using again. Which leads me to surmise that DJ AM and Nicole broke up because he's clean and sober and she is not. Any way you smoke it, inject it, snort it, eat it, inhale it or swallow it in pill form, the drugs, they are very bad- note Pete Doherty's Crackhead Bobesque appearence. And they wreck havoc on your ability to discern between a good guy and one with severe cranial damage resulting in insufficient brain cells.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 4:32 AM 15 comments

Pete Doherty, so helpless - like a puppy!

Just between you and I, sometimes I feel myself oddly attracted to Kate Moss’s drug addicted and barfy boyfriend, musician Pete Doherty. My initial disgust and repulsion has given way to curiousity which has turned into a mild attraction. What is about those bad boys with bloodshot eyes and greasy hair that makes me feel queasy yet tingly? Please tell me.

Pete has been begging his fans to “show up at his upcoming court appearance.” I'll be there Pete! Unless it's in the UK and then I'll be thinking of you from afar. Pete has been accused of buying, selling, distributing cocaine and heroin. I guess he didn’t read A Million Little Pieces. There is nothing pretty about drug use unless you enjoy vomiting blood, having nightsweats and bloody noses and wondering why you keep waking up in a gutter in a puddle of your own acrid urine.

Expect a riot of drunken and disorderly Brits when Pukey Pete heads to the courthouse. Do the judges still wear white powdered wigs? The fans will come out in droves to support the Babyshambles singer. But will he be so wasted that he won't remember?

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 3:13 AM 19 comments

Lohan, Fully Pissed Off

After reading the Vanity Fair article about herself over and over again, Lindsay Lohan is furiously back-pedaling and saying that the writer got the information wrong and her words were “misused and misconstructed.” Lindsay is so appalled that she is popping pills left and right and pouring out her sorrows to Leonardo di Caprio. Leo is always ready with a sensitive heart and a closet full of Victoria's Secret underpants courtesy of his last girlfriend, Gisele Bunch-kin.

Lindsay’s publicist denies the reports that Linds was a voracious vomiter, suppository freak and that her nickname was Poopy Pants. She never had bulimia! Gah! Liars, all of you! Her weight loss and skeletal frame was the result of a burst of metabolism after filming Herbie Fully Loaded. If you recall, Lindsay was rushed to the hospital during the making of that movie for “extreme exhaustion”. Do I have to spell it out for you, people? D R U G S. And just FYI, the entire interview was taped and Vanity Fair stands by the truth of the article. Looks like a certain publicist is working over time to cover up Lindsay's drug and bulimia issue.


I don't see what the big deal is, we all kind of suspected. It's Hollywood! Everyone has a drug problem, eating disorder, body image problem, alcohol addiction and a mixed bag of other sordid goodies like making out with Bruce Willis and booty calling Wilmer Valderlama.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 1:19 AM 12 comments

Nick in need

Thank goodness for self-tanning lotion and Mystic tan!

I have such a brilliant idea for a new reality show that Mark Burnett should call me up just to kiss my rounded and peachy ass.

Nick Lachey is, and I quote, “Narrowing down his search for a new woman.” When eharmony can't come up with a woman who defines your ideals, then by all means, put out an APB for your perfect woman.

My scheme for a show features a Bacheloresque TV bonanza where Nick will date and shamelessly cast aside all the Jessica imitators. But the twist is that we will throw in a few female impersonators for fun. There's nothing like a romantic night aided by some ballads and a surprise penis. That’s what makes good tv, people.

Nick’s list of what he wants includes, but is not limited, to:

She must be a Jessica Alba look-a like

She may not have slept with more than ten guys

He would like a sexy Latina

Nick wants a lady who can appreciate his love of sports

She needs to respect his music, not necessarily like it



Golly gee shucks, that Nick is super down to earth and his requirements are so minor, surely he won't have a problem finding a Playboy bunny to date for a while until he “settles” down with Lance Bass. Wink wink!

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 11:00 PM 11 comments

Baby time!

Of course she's pregnant, I knew for weeks, didn't you? People Magazine has officially confirmed this explosive announcement with a cover story and some in-depth reporting. Brad and Angelina are thrilled of course, yet Maddox seems flummoxed by the news. As if Zahara invading his turf wasn't tough enough, he is now going to have to share his paint-by-number tattoo set with baby Nairobi as well. Life is rough, kid. Suck it up and enjoy your mini-Ducati and child size Hummer while you can.

In other news, I'm going to throw Angie a baby shower! You know I am a part- time event planner. I think we are going with a *Third World Country theme complete with lepers. I will have taxidermied elephants and panthers for the full wildlife effect and we will dine on unrecognizable food stuffs, play with shrunken heads and have a tribal face painting station. It's going to be great! Don't feel left out if you don't get an invite, its going to be very very exclusive.

Angelina was the one to call Jennifer A. and break the news. Naturally Jen remained calm and wished Angelina the best then hung up the phone and started poking her Angelina voodoo doll with pins. She then called Vince to come over and demanded that he tell her she was pretty and watch Lara Croft Tomb Raider while picking out Angie's flaws and acting techniques. Another womans baby with your exhusband is a bitter pill to swallow indeed. This just cost Jen another year of therapy.

I hope Angelina enjoys being pregnant: the hemorroids, spider veins, heartburn, swollen breasts, backaches, pains, varicose veins ... if she craves adventure and a body that changes faster than Michael Jackson's face, its going to be a great pregnancy.


*disclaimer, I am in no way making fun of those living in, or coming from Third World countries.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 6:01 PM 56 comments

Mr. Blackwell's WORST DRESSED WOMEN

I love it when Mr. Blackwell comes out each year with his worst dressed list. I love it like I love a big bowl of Cap’N Crunch and an espresso enema for breakfast.

I take it upon myself to honor Paula Abdul and her love of sherbet colored clothes and Tara Lipinski's cast off from the Campbells Soup on Ice spectacular. Somehow, Blackwell forgot about Paula and left her off the coveted worst dressed list. He also missed Courtney Love, and how Kirsten Dunst missed the list goes to show that Blackwell was knocking back the gin when he created this group of misguided and unstyled stars.

10. Renee Zellweger. I think we should exchange Renee for Kirsten Dunst. Although Renee was photographed in this dress before, (she wears her clothes more than once? Eww!) I hardly think she dresses badly. Kirsten wears jumpers for crying out loud!

9. Lindsay Lohan wears a snood and Grandma's polyester tunic with a cardigan from the mothball scented attic. I'm going to trade you one Lindsay Lohan for one Nicolette Sheridan. Who can forget Nicolette's pink camel toe inducing track pants from last year? Plus she's dating Michael Bolton.

8. Shakira. Why pick on Shakira? Blackwell was grasping for straws. I'll trade Shakira for Missy Elliot. Isn't this the very outfit Posh Spice wore to Elton John's wedding? I think it is. Forget Missy, I'll trade Shakira for Victoria Beckham.

7. Anna Nicole Smith. Give her a break already, she is still in deep grieving over her billions of dollars, I mean her late husband. Plus she probably shouldn't be held responsible for her clothing choices, the effects of TrimSpa are still unfounded. Is it FDA approved?

6. Paris Hilton. Not badly dressed when she isn't digging for clams in her own bikini bottom at the beach, Paris has the ability and the funds to dress well. I don't get the scrunchies around her upper arms but you know rich people can be kind of weird. That also explains lack of a bra.

5. Mariah Carey. I am standing up right now, applauding Mariah's daring choice to carry around a few extra pounds when everyone else is popping diet pills and getting their colons flushed out with virgin imported rainwater. Men like a little somethin' somethin' to hold on to, you know what I mean, ladies?

However, she might want to cover up just a bit. In the above photo she reminds me of refrigerated bicuit dough popping out of the can.

4. Eva Longoria. I don't know about worst dressed but she is certainly over exposed. I'm not sure where she was headed here, but I'm hoping it was back to bed. Clearly she is imitating Kirsten Dunst, going for the Rumpled Bedsheets look.

This is a great little ensemble for a soccer mom, college student or someone with the flu, but not an award nominated actress. Dress the part, Eva! You have the money, now go out and buy some Marc Jacobs or Stella to kick around in. Psst, who's the lady with the giant bow in her hair?

3. Jessica Simpson. Her father chose that outfit.

She is wearing a half can-can dancer costume and half cocktail waitress at a low rent casino in Vegas for the Peoples Choice Awards. There is a lot to be said for understated elegance. While Jessica has nice clothes in her closet, she is clueless on how to put things together. Stop letting your father dress and diaper you, Jess.

2. Mary Kate Olsen. You know, the Crack Addict look really never took off. What a shame. Old shirts with holes and a fedora is a catchy idea. I like the ring- around- the- nostril look of a little coke residue too.

NUMBER 1 WORST DRESSED is Britney Spears.

Does this shock you? Does it anger you? Can you handle the truth? I didn't think so. Personally, I see nothing wrong with accessorizing with Funyons and Ding Dings, throw in the occasional Snowball and jerky treat for fun and you have a totally cute outfit! Don't wear shoes and make sure your feet are black and fungus- ridden to complete the look. Thats hot!

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 6:32 AM 16 comments

Britney shops in Las Vegas while Kevin takes care of little Preston by the hotel pool. They like to check out the hooters and sing a warbled rendition of PopoZao together. It's really cute. Kevin keeps his hat out for spare change in case the hotties want to tip him.

In all seriousness, I cannot wait to be a pop star. What? You thought blogging was my profession? Surely you jest. I've been grooming myself to be a big star. Currently yes its true, I'm a diva, a quasi-celeb. But there must be more to life...

I wanna be a singer, a celebrity, I want to be a Star! That way I can roll out of bed, sans bra, throw on my sweats without bathing or brushing my hair and go out for the day. No one will care because I'm famous! I don't have to brush my teeth, just get the occasional tooth bleaching.
I can roll around smelling like yesterdays ashtray and everyone will still love me and think back to when I was clean yet Toxic. What a great song that was. But nothing will compare to The Ode to Distressed Jeans.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 9:44 PM 51 comments

Gross Out Photo of the day

Gross Out Photo of the Day is really an honor reserved for Star Jones but I'm making an exception. Nicolette Sheridan is totally trying to lick Michael Bolton's chin. And that's just plain gross! Its totally cringe- worthy.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 9:41 PM 7 comments

Swank and Lowe no more!

Sticking another nail in the coffin that is Hollywood marriages, Academy Award winner Hilary Swank and husband of eight years Chad Lowe have split. This comes as a total shock to me. What happened? Was she cheating? Was he? We don't know the details but let me guess what they are filing: Irreconcilable Differences. Is there anything else? I mean, besides Fraud. (hello, Chesweger!)


The two adopted parrots last year in hopes that the birds would help prepare them for children. Fantastic theory. I bought a house plant that supposedly grew well with neglect and I managed to make the leaves go brown and rot in a matter of weeks. Next I bought a dog, Leonardo di Crappio and it literally took me years to housebreak him. Then came along the kids and knock on wood, they aren’t too messed up. Anyway...I guess the parrots didn't help with much.

Chad and Hilary say they will remain the best of friends, of course! Thats Hollywood speak for the fact they might indulge in a booty call now and then. They also have a production company, Accomplice Films, maybe they should change it to Alimony Films. Sad to see another marriage in the toilet.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 9:32 PM 17 comments

Did they or didn't they?

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie just may have gone behind our back and gotten married this weekend. According to my sources, January 7th is an important day in Brad's history and January 8th is Zahara's first birthday. Check it out:

l. A girl (not me, contrary to popular belief) went to Pitt's Hollywood-area home shortly after midnight Jan. 7, 1999 and crawled in through an open window, dressed herself in his clothes and stayed for 10 hours before the alarm went off. Athena Rolando (I told you it wasnt me) 19, was ordered Feb. 10 to not contact the actor and to stay 100 yards away from him for three years. (the 3 years are up)

2. Jan 7, 2005, he and Jennifer Aniston split.

3. Jan 7, 2005, Austrian mountaineer Heinrich Harrer died. Pitt played him in the movie Seven Years In Tibet

How bittersweet it would be if he married Angie on the very day a year ago he split from Jen. Apparently Angelina called Jennifer to tell her she was pregnant with Brad's love child. How considerate! Good thing Jen has Wild West Vince Vaughn to cheer her up.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 9:46 PM 37 comments

Dont forget the Tampax!

I appreciate the fact that Mischa is advertising her boyfriends band on her chest, thats some prime real estate. But we could use a diversion from the period stains on the crotch of her pants.

He's got the Coors, he's got the Corona, but did Cisco remember the tampons?

I don't think so.

Is Mischa blind to the fact that she got her period on her white spandex pants? I know, you think its a simple rip or perhaps some condiment spillage. But no, I assure that "Aunt Flo" came for a visit and Mischa was unprepared to deal. At least put the plastic bag in front of you Mischa, spare us from your celebrity hemoglobin!

This finally settles the age old question, "Do actresses bleed like the rest of us and if they do, does their rose- scented blood glitter and sparkle?"

I wonder how much those pants would sell for on ebay?

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 3:43 AM 50 comments

Big Tom, Small Tom

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 4:34 AM 20 comments

Legs of a Stallion, Face of a rhino

"The first time he held me in his arms sexually, it was almost frightening because we knew our erotic interest in each other could take over every other thing."

"We had an intoxicatingly sexual connection the first two months of our relationship."

"He's got the legs of a stallion. He'd be a perfect Ralph Lauren model."

"I'd always decapitate the photos of models or movie stars wearing [beautiful] clothes ... Sometimes, I'd put a photo of my own face on a photograph in place of, say, Catherine Deneuve's."


Just for fun, go ahead and hazard a guess where the above passage appears. I think you know the answer. Now go back and read it again. Are you laughing, flinching or running to the bathroom with a bout of diarreha? She has that effect on me too.

Heartbreaker, wigmaker, Payless talker...isnt this a Pat Benetar song?

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 4:28 AM 25 comments

Say my name, bitch!

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 4:10 AM 24 comments

Matthew Mcconahaha

You know this is exactly what Matthew McConahoogy looked like when he was playing the bongos naked while completely high, remember that time? Except without the Texas Longhorns jacket and khaki pants. He may have been wearing the cap though.


*rosiedemario blogspot photo credit

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 10:47 PM 15 comments

Pregnant?

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 9:55 PM 19 comments

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 6:06 PM 19 comments

Instant diet help

Sometimes I need an appetite suppressant and Dexitrim makes my heart race and TrimSpa makes me look like Anna Nicole on a crack binge, so all I have to do is view a photo of Star Jones and...gurgle, gurgle, blech, splat...I'm purged and feel as light and fluffy as Richard Simmon's loafers.

Oh how I miss Howard Stern's sound effects when anything regarding Star Jones is discussed. The dummm....dummmm...dummmm sound of stomping feet, the roar of a ferocious beast. I wish this blog came with audio. But thankfully not scratch n 'sniff. Although a Star Jones Garbage Pail Kid would be fun, she could carry the lovely scented combination of salami and heavy perfume.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 4:54 AM 40 comments

Gwenyth embraces her dynasty roots

"What? Did you say your son's name was going to be Capote? As in Truman? Why Madge, what a bloody fantastic moniker!"

Gwyneth Paltrow is jumping on the religion bandwagon and forcing her brand of love down our throats. Okay, she isn’t doing that exactly but she wants to focus on her roots- the Jewish ones.

She missed out “on two years of fasting” and it bums her out. If you read that quickly you will assume that she missed out on fasting for two years. Fasting is cool. Eating is soooo out of date. I've fasted for six years myself and got down to a very respectable yet sickly 77 lbs. Actresses are supposed to be see-thru, it's what makes them so versatile.

What Rabbi Gwyn means is that she wasn’t able to fast during the holy times because she was pregnant, then breastfeeding. But after her son, to be named Capone, is born, she is going to “pay tribute to her ancestors” every year but not eating. I wonder if she had a Bat Mitzvah? I like to pay tribute to my ancestors by getting weekly a colon hydrotherapy followed by a Mystic tan and on certain occasions I get my roots touched up by a colorist.

From the magical lips of La Paltrow comes these words: "I am the result of generations and generations of rabbis back in Minsk. They call it a rabbinical dynasty." Which means that her per- picture asking price will be going up since she is considering herself as Jewish royalty. Oye vey!

*I think I might have to add a disclaimer here saying that I applaud anyone who finds strength in their higher power. However, when Ms. Gwyneth has chastised others for trumpeting their personal issues- religion included, I believe its a case of the pot calling the kettle black. All that aside, love ya, Gwynnie! And that name Capone? Cute as an Olsen twin!

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 10:41 PM 28 comments

The Bloggies

I know...first The 2006 Bloggies, next the Academy Awards. Seriously, the Lifetime Achievement Award can't be too far behind. I cannot wait to see the video montage ... me typing away on my keyboard. Me in my robe at midnight, me drinking coffee in my silk pajamas during the day. Me with my marabou trimmed mules and a simple scarf after lunch. How exciting! A single tear will gently roll down my cheek as I accept the award and thank my people.

But alas it's time to throw out some nominations for the 2006 Bloggies. If you like what you read, go ahead and nominate me. Please know that I'll be begging and pleading for votes if I am in the finals. Just once I'd like to win an award.

I won an Estee Lauder gift basket from Nordstrom once when I was nineteen. That's about all I've won. Oh, and five dollars with of nickels in Las Vegas ten years ago. Sad, but true. But there are others who haven't won free body scrub or a bucket of coins so who am I to complain?

But wait- I'm a giver as well as a taker. I ask that you look at one of my favorite sites which I nominated for Most Underrated Blog but Most Humorous Blog works too...Spirit Fingers.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 8:32 AM 10 comments

Fishgate

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 7:56 AM 4 comments

Britney OUT

When Britney Spears Federline goes to the Malibu Country Mart it is very newsworthy. We can always waste a few minutes of our day analyzing her outfit, hair and skin. This is important stuff. We can learn from Britney! She is our teacher, our guru and our mommy.

To be honest, I would wear this ensemble around town, its warm and comfy. Warmth is key for me when the tempature drops below 75*...brrrr! I'd dress with big, huge dark sunglasses so that no one notices me and realizes I haven't washed my hair. Because I have pale skin, I would avoid the crimson lipstick because it makes me look sickly. True. Here we learn two valuable lessons:

1. wash your hair if you are Britney Spears or planning on becoming Britney

2. dark lipstick plus pale skin = deathly palor. Plus the red brings out the color of the angry pustules on the cheeks and jaw.

I give her points for removing the extensions. I'm pretty sure she had Kevin take them out. I imagine she was popping zits in the mirror while he unglued her hair or whatever you do to get them out. Seems like a waste of time if you ask me, which you didn't. My time is precious. I rather type out some gossip than have my hair done, but that's just me. I'm a natural girl. *snort*

here we learn:

3. avoid extensions

She is pale. Britney needs a light dusting of bronzing powder or a touch of bronzing gel. And I'd like to recommend some ProActiv. Hey, sister- don't take offense. I've had kids, I know what those hormones do. (she often reads this and I don't want to get her upset, again with the hormones)

lesson learned:

4. ProActiv for zits, light cover-up and a dusting of bronzer can be your best friend.

I see her sort of slumped forward in the top photo. Shoulders back, Britney! Like Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner, she enjoys her coffee from Starbucks. I hope its decaf if she's breast feeding.

we learn:

5. Britney likes Starbucks and bad posture makes you look a bit dumpy. Thrust those shoulders back, my friends! We're rich! And famous! And used to date Justin Timberlake but now married to a greasy rapper with corn rows! Yes!

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 7:39 AM 14 comments

Tom is in control of Katie's mind and body

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 7:35 AM 16 comments

Candlelight vigil for Lindsay

Ewwww...dirty feet are gross. Those feet have been in bed with DJ AM and Wilmer Vadaramadingdong and Jared Leto! You know what they say, "Dirty feet today, asthma attack tomorrow."

What? You've never played Pin the Tail on the Lohan?

Aliana is rocking those cornrows. Holla atcha, sister! Have you noticed how her body type is exactly like Nicole Richie's which is exactly like a twelve year olds? Exactly!

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 6:48 AM 12 comments

FYI

Just a note for all of you who asked- I was going to end this site, in fact I had every intention of doing so which is why I announced it formally, on billboards and in the newspapers. But then I received an overwhelming number of emails asking me not to end it, with people begging me to keep at it... so I'm going to continue writing about our favorite celebs.

I cannot keep up with doing more than a few posts each day, unless Katie Holmes does indeed give birth to a two headed alien (which is very likely) or Angelina Jolie dumps Brad for Frankie Muniz or if Jessica Simpson marries her father, then of course I'll need to get on it. I want to focus on writing my novels and working on my other two sites so I'm spread pretty thin and wide, like Paris Hilton's legs.

Thank you for all the love you send me via email and in the comments. You make me feel all warm and squishy inside, just like Tara Reid's breast implants!

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 6:54 PM 58 comments

Mariah and Tara, the tanorexic twins

Look carefully. We are so going to analyze her cosmetic application in just one moment.

Mariah's application of self-tanner and body makeup is better than Tara's. Probably because she employs an actual Body Glow Airbrush Specialist, seriously her payroll indicates she has someone on call 24/7 for those not- so- tan wintery days. However, Miss Mariah needs to hold the top of her dress together! Does she want to pull a Tara Reid and expose herself? I see a clear separation of bra and dress. And that leads to the inevitable comparison between her head size versus her boobage. I conclude that Mariah's entire brain could actually fit inside her just one of those mammaries. Go ahead, look again. See?

Speaking of Tara...

Gah! Look at her. I suspect she used some flesh colored spackle and a trowel to apply that shit! C'mon Tara, you aren't fooling anyone. I know you have zits and cystic acne scars, just deal like Cameron Diaz does.

If you insist, I will personally guide you through the Tara Reid School of Cosmetology Rules for Makeup Application:

1. apply some Cover Girl pancake all over your face

2. repeat this time with Benjamin Moore paint in Pumpkin Splendor

3. drink some beer

4. better apply one or two more coats of the liquid foundation

5. time for the vodka!

6. apply MAC studio fix in a slightly orange and unnatural color

7. smoke break

8. where was I?

9. oh yeah!

10. lots and lots and lots of powder

11. this is very important- do not, I repeat do not!- wipe any of the makeup off your face. You want the stuff to really settle into those wrinkles around your eye. Especially good is if you have that line of application around your jawline.

12. bronzer time! for cheeks and eyes

13. wait- better put some concealor under those eyes!

Now, you really want your hands to be a different color than your face so pile that makeup on nice and thick so your hands remain pinkish white. Add a swish of frosted Wet N' Wild Lipstick and off you go! Instant Tara Reid. Well, you know. Minus the obvious. Um... I was talking about her red nails, what were you thinking?

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 6:24 AM 24 comments

Paris kills a marriage

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 6:19 AM 15 comments

Vince & Jen, a lovers spat

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 10:30 PM 16 comments

Celebs in bathing suits. How newsworthy!

Nicolette Sheridan may be dating Michael Bolten (not the guy from Office Space, but the cheesey the balladeer) but all is forgiven when I see what fine shape she is in.

Call in the troops, this girl needs nourishment, stat! When your bikini is actually baggy its time to get the feeding tube.

Nicole, you know I love you girlfriend but come on. I can actually see the outlines of your internal organs and truthfully, your intestines are looking really deflated and rather flabby. Karen Carpenter, anyone?

Mischa Barton, meh. I'd like to see her in a bold bathing suit, something black and sexy but since she didn't ask me, what can I do?

Her breast is trying to escape!

Lara Flynn Boyle has the bloated belly look of a starving child. Can't someone buy her a decent meal or two?

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 10:18 PM 20 comments

Y'all still ain't ready

The look on Britney's face is like this, "Shit y'all! Ya caught me with mah bad hair extensions!"

But check out that baby. I just want to bite into those puffy Cheeto flavored cheeks! How cute. He looks a bit like his half brother, Kaleb. Britney isnt carrying a diaper bag because the nanny is trailing behind her loaded down with formula, wipes, extra clothes and the single of Popozao, of course! It's the lullaby of champions and he is not too young to learn about kittys and tittys on the dance floor. Now shake that diaper to the beat, youngster!

Britney wants to have another baby and soon. She feels that another long nine months and an extra fifty pounds would really help her marriage. I say she cuts her losses and sees if Justin is still with Cameron, I always liked that boy. Then K. Fed would be free to spread his seed far and wide starting with Jessica Simpson. She needs a dose of Federlove, doens't she? (((cue the evil laugh)))

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 10:10 PM 10 comments

Its Janice Dickinson, bitches!

Surgically enhanced and self proclaimed "World's First Supermodel", hard-core potty mouth Janice Dickinson is staring in her own reality show on the Oxygen network. The diva, who refuses to do so much as fart unless she is paid a handsome fee, will be heading up a modeling agency with cameras documenting the World's First Supermodel’s First SuperModeling Agency. I'ts going to be fierce, as Tyra Banks would say. Fierce!

I would be very frightened to try out for the show. First of all, Janice can't handle my truth (shout out to K. Fed, yo!) and second, I don’t like to put myself through masochistic rituals, like coming face to face with Janice in real life. The woman would eat me alive with her bionic face but first make me cower in the corner, sucking my thumb in a fetal position. She would berate me, tease me and verbally abuse me. Seriously, I'm not as tough and butch as you think I am.

The Janice Dickinson Project will debut in the spring and I can't wait! I totally love female mud wrestling, botox shots and profanity! Bring it on, Janice!

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 10:02 PM 10 comments

Y'all ain't ready!

Happy New Year and let's get down to bidness!

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 7:19 PM 15 comments