What Hollywood Has Taught Us...
Those celebrities never stop working. What large and generous hearts they must have to help us learn so many wonderful things this past year. Let's look back on some of the ways my own life was touched by a celebrity during the glorious year of 2005...
..that celebs have oversized pores and terrible zits too! Hey, actresses are just like us, only with better pimple creams and a professional makeup artist on the payroll!
...that reading this book or prolonged viewing of the cover may cause loose and bloody stools, anal leakage, gaut, headaches and vomiting. Perfect for losing those stubborn ten pounds!
We learned that "going to New York City to star on Broadway" means "I'm going to have a hot and heavy affair and pray that my sexy husband doesn't find out."
we learned what a 'dookie bubble' was and how to drop one. Information that has served me well. I take joy in adding to my meager word bank.
that Jennifer Lopez carries around the body from the 'Weekend at Bernies' movies.
...that one bad sweater can lead to the sudden and surprising demise of a marriage.
..that you need to fight for your right to party!
...that big shlongs come in very unappealing packages and paper bags don't come wide enough
We learned that money doesn't buy good taste in men. And that Tom Sizemore has crabs, a parole officer and a video of Paris Hilton.
We learned that if held too close to a fire, Victoria Beckham will either melt or explode.
We learned that aliens are people too! And that Katie Holmes will give birth to a green baby with cloven hooves.
We learned that wifebeaters never go out of style if you are rich white trash. And soap and water are highly over-rated. So is being employed.
We learned how to think on our feet: "Darling, why, I wasn't shagging the nanny, I was simply rehearsing for a role, I'm a method actor!"
"Well then, I wasn't technically sleeping with Daniel Craig, I was merely interviewing him for the role of James Bond!"
We learned that a condom full of cocaine up ones rectum signals a serious problem, especially if there is a latex allergy present. We also learned that Pete Doherty is actually the poster boy for drug abuse, peeing in your pants and passing out in your own vomit.
We learned that women pushing fifty can wear tights. Tying a red string around your wrist and talking with a faux British accent will let you get away with anything, even checking your cell phone while on horseback.
We learned about the abuse of collagen and how to grow old gracefully, or not. This was a public service announcement brought to you by Meg and Goldie.
We learned that Dakota Fanning has such a large range of emotion, she could easily play Kelly Osbourne in the upcoming film about the salty British family.
We learned that you can pose like a Bert Reynolds centerfold but people will still think you're gay.
We also learned....
..that hiding behind a venti, non-fat, no sugar, low carb, decaf latte doesn't work. Even if you tipping the scales at 72 lbs and can be blown over by a stiff breeze.
We learned that hell hath no fury like a passive-aggressive woman with good highlights.
We learned that acid reflux is a bitch and too much singing may induce a jig. And damn, being caught lip synching is like, totally embarrassing!
Willy Wonka presented by celebrities of 2005
Presenting John Travolta in the role of the mighty candy maker, Willy Wonka
Who better to play Charlie Bucket but Matthew Broderick!
Grandpa Joe will be played by Michael Douglas
OOmpa Loompa no. 1, Matt Damon
Oompa Loompa no. 2, Mary Kate Olsen
Oompa Loompa no. 3, Tom Cruise of course!
(Tom will also be starring in The 40 Year Old Virgin!)
Augustus Gloop will be acted out by frappacino- and- Cheeto loving Britney Spears
Spoiled Daddy's girl, Veruca Salt: Jessica Simpson
Violet Beauregard will be played by Madonna, already in costume
Couch potato and video game lover, Mike TV: Ben Affleck
Brad and Angelina's wedding
Billy Bob is invited.
Buddha will be there in spirit
party favors for all!
Zahara in her pink dress
George Clooney will be there, the Rock Hudson of our day
Brad will wear something sequined
Jen will ponder life and the maturity of Vince Vaughn
Maddox from the front....
Angie will wear a simple white gown.
And that about sums up the wedding of Brad and Angie. Now may they go to a small town somewhere unpopulated and live happily ever after in a big shoe with their rainbow coalition of children and a male nanny, a manny named Mr. Belvedere.
Perhaps Angelina will drive a bus not unlike that of the Partridge Family and they will create nice tunes, lots of cowbell, and we will never see them in the tabloids again. Amen.
A look at Britney from March 2005
If you are invited over for an afternoon of Playstation2, chain smoking, a Funyon binge and a Mountain Dew bong, I suggest you wear your high-waisted rubber pants and a breathing mask.Do you think the dogs are trained or is the house decorated with a urine and fecal theme?Spears' Husband 'Smells' Claims Ex"
Britney Spears ' husband Kevin Federline has severe hygiene problems - according to his ex-girlfriend Amy Woody. Woody, 25, dated Federline six years ago, and was left unimpressed by his body odor. She says, "He wouldn't shower or brush his teeth at all so he'd stink. He didn't care. When we used to go Vegas, he would gamble for two days without sleeping then he'd catch some shut-eye for a few hours then go back to the casino." A friend of Federline's most recent ex, Shar Jackson , who is mother to his two kids Kaleb and Kori, adds, "Kevin would go for days without taking a shower or bath. It was gross." Federline's wife of six months hit the headlines in December when airline passengers complained about her smelly feet."
I hear the Federline's set out bowls of Frito-scented potpourri, but that may very well be pure conjecture. Does Glade come in Red Bull fragrance?
A look back: 2005
I thought they agreed not to have a 90210 reunion, no matter how unofficial? Here is our favorite gang from the bowels of Beverly Hills kicking up their Jimmy Choos at an awards ceremony. Donna Martin's boobs are still malformed and Dylan still hasn't called the guy who did Ben Affleck's hair plugs. Brandon, whatever. And Kelly has the "I cannot believe I'm here" smirk.But back to Donna.
After lapsing into a coma in a Mystic Tan booth, she awoke to find her skin was two shades lighter than her dress. Dylan and Brandon called each other to make sure the plan was still on to wear blue oxford shirts. And I think Kelly is trying to figure out how to get to the Peach Pit and find Steve and his always imitated, never duplicated afro-mullet. Gosh, I miss that show.
**Congrats to Donna Martin aka Tori on her engagement!
Paris digs for ...something
Now we know where Paris keeps her cell phone when at the beach. With no pockets, what's a girl to do?
photo credit: jjb
Mischa Barton wears pajamas
Are you sure Mischa Barton has a stylist? Who let her out of the house wearing pajamas in the middle of Aspen in December? Cisco, was it you
Look, I know you're upset because your ex Brandon is in Maui with the scantily clad Hilton sisters but honey, pull it together!
I haven't seen matching pjs since Geranimals and Underoos were in vogue back in the day. Mischa, get a grip!
Urkid and TomKat
Tom takes his Amazonian woman out for a night on the town. I take back the comments of her not being pregnant. Obviously she is. Just not with Tom's baby. In this photo, he lets her out of the Scientology bus for dinner.
Meanwhile, Nicole Kidman takes her lil' munchkin out for a walk. She spent the holidays with Keith in Nashville. Originally he is from Australia. He is a pygmy.
Pssst is that a Starbucks special edition grande latte cup in his hand?
*photo credits, Just Jared and Saving Face
Mrs. Bratman says she no longer wants to dress like a slut. She's a married woman now and will dress like one. Is that a stab at Britney's current wardrobe of low slung pants and tight shirts?
Jude "nanny lover" Law spent Christmas in Africa where he spent time with his ex-wife and "good friend" Sadie and their three children. He then flew back to England to help take care of "good friend" Sienna Miller's mother who is sick with pneumonia. I wonder if he tried to score with Sienna's mum?
Anna Nicole's case against her step-children is going to the White House! Yep. This battle for billions has been dragging on forever. Her late husband is probably rolling over in his grave knowing that his kids and his wife are fighting over his fortune. Poor Anna! Forced to live in squalor until this is settled.
Angie and Brad are set to marry on New Year's Eve and my dress is being altered as I type this. The paperwork for Brad to become legal dad to Maddox and Zahara is being approved, plus Angie is rumored to be three months pregnant. With Brad's child of course.
Are you ready to play his game? Why couldn't those enormous pores be airbrushed out of the picture?