What Hollywood Has Taught Us...
2005 Those celebrities never stop working. What large and generous hearts they must have to help us learn so many wonderful things this past year. Let's look back on some of the ways my own life was touched by a celebrity during the glorious year of 2005... We learned... ..that celebs have oversized pores and terrible zits too! Hey, actresses are just like us, only with better pimple creams and a professional makeup artist on the payroll!  ...that reading this book or prolonged viewing of the cover may cause loose and bloody stools, anal leakage, gaut, headaches and vomiting. Perfect for losing those stubborn ten pounds!  We learned that "going to New York City to star on Broadway" means "I'm going to have a hot and heavy affair and pray that my sexy husband doesn't find out."  we learned what a 'dookie bubble' was and how to drop one. Information that has served me well. I take joy in adding to my meager word bank. We learned...
that Jennifer Lopez carries around the body from the 'Weekend at Bernies' movies.
...that one bad sweater can lead to the sudden and surprising demise of a marriage.
 ..that you need to fight for your right to party!
...that big shlongs come in very unappealing packages and paper bags don't come wide enough We learned that money doesn't buy good taste in men. And that Tom Sizemore has crabs, a parole officer and a video of Paris Hilton. We learned that if held too close to a fire, Victoria Beckham will either melt or explode. We learned that aliens are people too! And that Katie Holmes will give birth to a green baby with cloven hooves.  We learned that wifebeaters never go out of style if you are rich white trash. And soap and water are highly over-rated. So is being employed.
We learned how to think on our feet: "Darling, why, I wasn't shagging the nanny, I was simply rehearsing for a role, I'm a method actor!" "Well then, I wasn't technically sleeping with Daniel Craig, I was merely interviewing him for the role of James Bond!" 
We learned that a condom full of cocaine up ones rectum signals a serious problem, especially if there is a latex allergy present. We also learned that Pete Doherty is actually the poster boy for drug abuse, peeing in your pants and passing out in your own vomit.
 We learned that women pushing fifty can wear tights. Tying a red string around your wrist and talking with a faux British accent will let you get away with anything, even checking your cell phone while on horseback.
We learned about the abuse of collagen and how to grow old gracefully, or not. This was a public service announcement brought to you by Meg and Goldie. 
We learned that Dakota Fanning has such a large range of emotion, she could easily play Kelly Osbourne in the upcoming film about the salty British family.
We learned that you can pose like a Bert Reynolds centerfold but people will still think you're gay. We also learned.... 
..that hiding behind a venti, non-fat, no sugar, low carb, decaf latte doesn't work. Even if you tipping the scales at 72 lbs and can be blown over by a stiff breeze.
We learned that hell hath no fury like a passive-aggressive woman with good highlights. 
We learned that acid reflux is a bitch and too much singing may induce a jig. And damn, being caught lip synching is like, totally embarrassing!
Willy Wonka presented by celebrities of 2005
 Presenting John Travolta in the role of the mighty candy maker, Willy Wonka 
Who better to play Charlie Bucket but Matthew Broderick!
Grandpa Joe will be played by Michael Douglas
OOmpa Loompa no. 1, Matt Damon
Oompa Loompa no. 2, Mary Kate Olsen
 Oompa Loompa no. 3, Tom Cruise of course!(Tom will also be starring in The 40 Year Old Virgin!)
Augustus Gloop will be acted out by frappacino- and- Cheeto loving Britney Spears
Spoiled Daddy's girl, Veruca Salt: Jessica Simpson
Violet Beauregard will be played by Madonna, already in costume
Couch potato and video game lover, Mike TV: Ben Affleck
Brad and Angelina's wedding
 Billy Bob is invited.  Buddha will be there in spirit  party favors for all!
simple rings
Zahara in her pink dress 
George Clooney will be there, the Rock Hudson of our day
Brad will wear something sequined
Jen will ponder life and the maturity of Vince Vaughn
 Maddox from the front....
..and back
 Angie will wear a simple white gown.
And that about sums up the wedding of Brad and Angie. Now may they go to a small town somewhere unpopulated and live happily ever after in a big shoe with their rainbow coalition of children and a male nanny, a manny named Mr. Belvedere. Perhaps Angelina will drive a bus not unlike that of the Partridge Family and they will create nice tunes, lots of cowbell, and we will never see them in the tabloids again. Amen.
A look at Britney from March 2005
 If you are invited over for an afternoon of Playstation2, chain smoking, a Funyon binge and a Mountain Dew bong, I suggest you wear your high-waisted rubber pants and a breathing mask.Do you think the dogs are trained or is the house decorated with a urine and fecal theme? Spears' Husband 'Smells' Claims Ex"Britney Spears ' husband Kevin Federline has severe hygiene problems - according to his ex-girlfriend Amy Woody. Woody, 25, dated Federline six years ago, and was left unimpressed by his body odor. She says, "He wouldn't shower or brush his teeth at all so he'd stink. He didn't care. When we used to go Vegas, he would gamble for two days without sleeping then he'd catch some shut-eye for a few hours then go back to the casino." A friend of Federline's most recent ex, Shar Jackson , who is mother to his two kids Kaleb and Kori, adds, "Kevin would go for days without taking a shower or bath. It was gross." Federline's wife of six months hit the headlines in December when airline passengers complained about her smelly feet." I hear the Federline's set out bowls of Frito-scented potpourri, but that may very well be pure conjecture. Does Glade come in Red Bull fragrance?
A look back: 2005
 I thought they agreed not to have a 90210 reunion, no matter how unofficial? Here is our favorite gang from the bowels of Beverly Hills kicking up their Jimmy Choos at an awards ceremony. Donna Martin's boobs are still malformed and Dylan still hasn't called the guy who did Ben Affleck's hair plugs. Brandon, whatever. And Kelly has the "I cannot believe I'm here" smirk.But back to Donna. After lapsing into a coma in a Mystic Tan booth, she awoke to find her skin was two shades lighter than her dress. Dylan and Brandon called each other to make sure the plan was still on to wear blue oxford shirts. And I think Kelly is trying to figure out how to get to the Peach Pit and find Steve and his always imitated, never duplicated afro-mullet. Gosh, I miss that show. **Congrats to Donna Martin aka Tori on her engagement!
Paris digs for ...something
 Now we know where Paris keeps her cell phone when at the beach. With no pockets, what's a girl to do? photo credit: jjb
Mischa Barton wears pajamas
 Are you sure Mischa Barton has a stylist? Who let her out of the house wearing pajamas in the middle of Aspen in December? Cisco, was it you? Look, I know you're upset because your ex Brandon is in Maui with the scantily clad Hilton sisters but honey, pull it together! I haven't seen matching pjs since Geranimals and Underoos were in vogue back in the day. Mischa, get a grip!
Urkid and TomKat
 Tom takes his Amazonian woman out for a night on the town. I take back the comments of her not being pregnant. Obviously she is. Just not with Tom's baby. In this photo, he lets her out of the Scientology bus for dinner.  Meanwhile, Nicole Kidman takes her lil' munchkin out for a walk. She spent the holidays with Keith in Nashville. Originally he is from Australia. He is a pygmy. Pssst is that a Starbucks special edition grande latte cup in his hand? * photo credits, Just Jared and Saving Face
Gossip bites!
 Mrs. Bratman says she no longer wants to dress like a slut. She's a married woman now and will dress like one. Is that a stab at Britney's current wardrobe of low slung pants and tight shirts? 
Jude "nanny lover" Law spent Christmas in Africa where he spent time with his ex-wife and "good friend" Sadie and their three children. He then flew back to England to help take care of "good friend" Sienna Miller's mother who is sick with pneumonia. I wonder if he tried to score with Sienna's mum?
Anna Nicole's case against her step-children is going to the White House! Yep. This battle for billions has been dragging on forever. Her late husband is probably rolling over in his grave knowing that his kids and his wife are fighting over his fortune. Poor Anna! Forced to live in squalor until this is settled.
Angie and Brad are set to marry on New Year's Eve and my dress is being altered as I type this. The paperwork for Brad to become legal dad to Maddox and Zahara is being approved, plus Angie is rumored to be three months pregnant. With Brad's child of course.
Are you ready to play his game? Why couldn't those enormous pores be airbrushed out of the picture?
Jen and Ben sighting!
  Why so sad, sugar plum? Maybe because she only had the tall coffee instead of a venti. Finally the Affleck's resurface! It was only a matter of time before they needed their coffee fix. Rumor has it that the two spent Christmas in Georgia, remember that big mansion Ben bought with Jen Lopez? Yeah, that's the one! How fun it must be to spend the holidays in the house your husband bought with his ex. *images from JJB
A very Hilton Christmas and Ricky in a speedo
 Somewhere on the beach, Ricky Martin wears a Speedo, shakes the sand from his towel and the world calls him "gay". 
A bit further down the beachside, Paris and her mother discuss the merits of home sex tapes, birth control patches and how to snare a sugar daddy. Soon Kathy Hilton will pull out some douche from her pocket and ask Paris is she "feels fresh".
The Hilton sisters get wet. I hope the white suit is lined. Or else we can assume Paris is a fan of the Brazilian wax.
That's Brandon Davis in the red shirt and brother Jason in the white blouse behind Nicky's butt. The Hilton and Davis families are good friends. Plus Paris slept with Brandon. But did she sleep with Jason, hmmmm?
Kevin is in the hizouse!
 The dad 
the man
 the myth... K fed's comin' atcha in 2006. Ya think you're ready? You think you know the truth? You ain't seen nothin' yet. Stay tuned, bitches. K. Feds website is something to behold. Be sure to sit close to the screen with a cold one and a pack of smokes. From the OFFICIAL SITE: Kevin's new web site is here!
Hey Everyone,I don't think we've ever been formally introduced. My name is Kevin Federline but you can call me K. Fed or Kev or just K. I'm 6 feet tall, have greasy brown hair and slightly opened, hazy brown eyes. I enjoy horseback riding, long walks on the beach and the wind whipping through my hair when its not tightly braided in cornrows. Ha ha ha. On a more serious note, there's gonna to be a lot more information and updates on here in the coming weeks and I think this will provide you with the opportunity to get to know who I really am, a rider on the gravy train express, woo woo! Anyway, thanks for checking out my site and be sure to come back often. You can click here to join my email list and also check me out on MySpace. Peace out, Kevin
The Twelve Days of Christmas
On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me a Cambodian baby named Maddox Jolie.
 On the second day of Christmas, my true love sent to me two gay cowboys and a Cambodian baby named Maddox Jolie 
On the third day of Christmas, my true love sent to me three bottles of self tanner, two gay cowboys and Cambodian baby named Maddox Jolie
On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me four cigarettes and a colon cleanse, three bottles of self tanner, two gay cowboys and a Cambodian baby named Maddox Jolie
on the fifth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me five Kaballah strings! Four cigarettes and a colon cleanse, three bottles of self tanner, two gay cowboys and a Cambodian baby named Maddox Jolie
One the sixth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me six Judes a- humping, five Kaballah strings.. four cigarettes and a colon cleanse, three bottles of self tanner, two gay cowboys and a Cambodian baby named Maddox Jolie 
One the seventh day of Christmas, my true love sent to me, seven Jens a- crying, six Judes a humping, five Kaballah strings.. four cigarettes and a colon cleanse, three bottles of self tanner, two gay cowboys and Cambodian baby named Maddox Jolie 
On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me eight Toms a- being glib, seven Jens a- crying, six Judes a humping, five Kaballah strings.. four cigarettes and a colon cleanse, three bottles of self tanner, two gay cowboys and Cambodian baby named Maddox Jolie
On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me, nine Jessicas a- licking, eight Toms a- being glib, seven Jens a- crying, six Judes a humping, five Kaballah strings.. four cigarettes and a colon cleanse, three bottles of self tanner, two gay cowboys and Cambodian baby named Maddox Jolie
 One the tenth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me ten sperms on ebay, nine Jessicas a- licking, eight Toms a- being glib, seven Jens a- crying, six Judes a humping, five Kaballah strings.. four cigarettes and a colon cleanse, three bottles of self tanner, two gay cowboys and Cambodian baby named Maddox Jolie
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love sent to me eleven vials of coke, ten sperms on ebay, nine Jessicas a- licking, eight Toms a- being glib, seven Jens a- crying, six Judes a humping, five Kaballah strings.. four cigarettes and a colon cleanse, three bottles of self tanner, two gay cowboys and Cambodian baby named Maddox Jolie 
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me twelve Whitneys a tweakin’ eleven vials of cocaine ten sperms on ebay nine Jessicas a-licking eight Toms a-being glib seven Jens a- crying six Judes a-humping five Kaballah strings! four cigarettes and a colon cleanse three self tanners two Gay Cowboys and a Cambodian baby named Maddox Jolie!
Merry Hoffmas!
 For your viewing pleasure...
Just a reminder...
If things look familiar its because I'm pulling posts from the past year for your review and enjoyment. I have so much to do before we have our annual holiday party at the Distressed Jeans home. I have to get my colon cleansed, my teeth bleached, my skin sloughed, my toe nails painted and my nails buffed. I have an appointment to be mystic tanned (thanks for the coupons, Ryan!) and have my hair highlighted and trimmed with sterling silver pinking sheers. As if that's not enough, I'm going for one of those lunchtime face lifts because lets face it, even at 33 the wrinkles are out of control. I choose this busy time of the year to reflect upon all the glorious posts of 2005!
Nick and Jess, happy times 2005
 I hope Joe Simpson can't read. Cover your eyes Papa! Because your daughter has announced that she turns more tricks in the bedroom than a hooker at the Moonlight Bunny Ranch. Jessica, who knew!? I thought Ashlee was the slut! Ash is currently dating/having sex with Wilmer Valdermama-ding-dong. Who used to date Lindsay Lohan. But Ashlee and Lindsay are friends so the whole thing reeks of some kind of friendly incest. Lets pass around Ryan Cabrerra and make this come full circle. Back to busty, floozy Jessica. The Dukes of Hazzard actress says, "I have fantastic sex. My body was made for sin. But I'm not domesticated. I've never used an iron or a washing machine and I can't dust, cook or Hoover." Well who cares about that kind of stuff when you're a nympho? Guys don't look for dust bunnies and crisp shirts when you're naked and willing. Trust me on that one, sister. But life is a lot easier when you can vacuum in a thong and high heels and if you can boil water wearing pasties and handcuffs, well then, you understand why my boyfriend is so happy and well fed.
When Paris2 were together: 2005
 Paris wears her grandmothers curtains with lace trim and white pumps.Paris Hilton is engaged! This is cause for a big celebration. In light of this huge event, I will be having my butt hole bleached, hitting the tanning bed and having my teeth recapped and whitened. But I don't know what I'm going to wear! Versace or a frock a bit more understated with just the right amount of cleavage? I have a lot to do before the wedding! There's botox and collagen, lip plumping and chin chiseling. There is a personal trainer to hire and a diet expert, a feng shui master, a yogi, an interior energy coodinator. And that's not even for Paris, its for me! Paris proposed to Paris after she came back to the US from a publicity tour of House of Wax. Maybe after he saw her die in the movie, he thought he should seize the day and ask for her hand in marriage. Or maybe he saw the Carls Jr. ad and said, "I gotta get me somma that! And I ain't talking bout no burger!" Either way, Paris will have a trillion, billion dollars in her bank account. That is an exact amount by the way. She can shop every day of the year and party all night and wear Jimmy Choos as slippers and can buy the Neverland Ranch and import exotic animals!Will Nicole have a bigger, better wedding with Lionel Richie singing one of his romantic ballads and her new husband spinning tunes? Will Paris use twenty dollar bills as toilet paper for the gold plated toilets which have a magical hand that comes out to wipe? This could be even better than the Amazing Race! Paris and Nicole sweat it out in a race to the altar, stay tuned! It would be so much more delicious if one of them were pregnant!
Letter of Troof: 2005
 Please, please, like, please y'all. Tune it and watch Chaotic. The show is like, gonna be taken off the air if more people don't watch it. The ratings is low. Y'all, like, I'm havin A baby! Y'all, I am so so so totally, like upset over all this. I thought fer shur that my show would be really awesome. Guess ya can't handle my truth. My love for Kevvie is just too much for you, is that it? Gah! I gotta like, go to therapy to learn how to deal with y'all not liking me no more. I was so famous and now, its like Im just, like another one hit wonder or something. Even mah big boobs ain't getting people to watch the show. Duh!And mah ma is like, really mad that I's talking 'bout sex but ya gotta understand somethin. My sex life wif Kev is like so awesome. He just sends me right to ecstasy. He ain't no Justin, no way but he's good. The grease on his body helps me slide around more. We's be having sex all day long, y'all. That's why he ain't got time to tie his shoes, see. I keep him real busy, wink wink. And guess what? Yeah. Like, Kevin didn't like mah dog Lucky. Remember that little dog I was carryin' around and all? Right, before Bitbit and Lacey. Kev hated my pooch so bad I had to git rid of it. He wuz sayin' he wuz gonna eat it fer dinner like the racoon he caughted up in Fresno that time. Awww. So sad. I think I'll name our baby Lucky. Lucky Earl Lynn Federline. I love frapuccinos.
March 2005: Her shit dont cost a thing
 A friend sent me this story which is too entertaining not to be shared! Let's just say J. Lo should stop scarfing down those Baked Lays with Olestra. The package clearly states anal leakage may occur... From the The Superficial: "Remember a few years ago when Ben Affleck and Matt Damon were here shooting Project Greenlight?" (They had gone to Sundance to interview directors and writers and try and create a publicity stunt and an episode out of it.) "I was doing sound in the condo where they were both lodging and filming. At one point Ben took a break from shooting and disappeared upstairs to his bedroom. By mistake he left his wireless mic on." "Jennifer Lopez was there with Ben, but was hiding out in his room the whole time. At first when I heard Ben kissing her hello, I immediately went to turn the volume down on my headphones. But then they started kissing loudly and making noises, and I felt so guilty, but I left the sound up, and heard Jennifer saying 'I love you baby, I love you... You wanna get busy, baby. You wanna get busy?'" "Then I heard Ben reply, .'Are you sure you're feelin' better? I don't want you to shit on me again.'"Silence. Then screams from everyone on our crew. Our dear sound guy seemed like he had finally told a story he'd been holding onto for years, and was relieved to tell people who found it more funny than disgusting. I think it is perfectly both."
Gossip bits
 Jess is head to toe in black to symbolize her pain and suffering from the divorce. She goes for a bit of shopping therapy to take her mind of Nick, losing sight of the time she fooled around with Johnny Knoxville on the set of the Dukes of Hazzard. And then Bam Margera. And the guy from Saved by the Bell. Oh, and that other guy. Poor Jessica is sooooo stressed out, she like, might have an ulcer-thingy from worrying so much! At least now she is free to date Paris Latsis or Brandon Davis. Good news, sister Ashlee is better from her fainting episode. Damn that acid reflux acts up at the worst times!  Jennifer Aniston has a lot to say. First she thanked Jessica Simpson by saying she took the spotlight off of Jen recently. Way to go Jessica, how very kind of you! Then Jennifer said she wants to get pregnant during 2006. Sperm back >>> that way. Lastly she commented that the media was nice to her this year considering everything she went through. You're welcome. I guess she didn't read those nasty posts about her standing on the beach yelling at people to get off her property? I was pretty mean about that.  Chesweger is officially over. After a long four months of not- so- marital bliss, Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney are finished. I wonder if there was a pre-nup? The marriage was annulled which means it never actually took place. It was all imagined like a scene out of the Worst Movie of All Time, Vanilla Sky which Renee was not in but Tom Cruise was.
Seacrest...IN
 So long, Kathy. It was fun while it lasted.
 Talk to the hand, be-yotch! I'm on the E! Channel now.
 A wise move: Star gets fired and the world rejoices! In a ridiculous move, those E! executives took a dump all over Kathy Griffin and fired her from the E! Red Carpet pre-show replacing her with smiley robot with the coiffed hair, Ryan Seacrest.
The ink is still drying on the seven figure contract Ryan just signed with E! He will be the lead anchor on E! news and will also develop a new series for the network. He will begin with the series called, Me and My Hair followed by an in-depth report on the basics of tooth whitening and Mystic tanning. Watch and learn. I offered my services to the E! channel and suggested they follow me in my quest to be a centerfold in Beaver Hunt but they turned me down. I would have worked the Red Carpet for less than seven figures- try high sixes- but no luck.
I was doing a Michael Flately jig in my clogs when Star announced couldn’t fulfill her duties as Red Carpet anchor. Those emails we sent really worked, you guys! Nevermind that her book is as interesting as reading the AARP newsletter but she is saying she has a demanding book tour this year and cannot commit to her hosting duties. Really? Its not because she sucked? Its odd that she is still requesting the goodie bags from the events.
It took a team of paramedics, some smelling salts and a bottle of Hornita tequila to resuscitate me when I was given the news of Kathy leaving the network. Why? I cried out, WHY?
Kathy explains it in a riddle: "Apparently Ted told my reps that the E! red carpet is a puzzle and I am a piece of the puzzle, which is a wonderful puzzle piece, but I don't fit this particular puzzle and that when I see the puzzle, I will get it. I am a piece that doesn't understand only because they can't tell me who will take over.”
A very Hilton Christmas
Who goes to see Santa Claus wearing lingerie? I mean, besides me. Why, the Hilton sisters of course! And what does Paris want for Christmas this year? No more chlamydia!
Congrats ..
Congratulations to James, Jose and Kelly on winning the Jamie Foxx cd's!
Stay tuned for more contests coming in 2006!
Looking back, Lindsay Lohan
 Did you think for one nanosecond there could be a party in Miami and Lindsay, Paris and Nicky wouldnt be there? haha! Surely you jest!It's our favorite (I'm using the term loosely) hardened and suntanned party girl, Lindsay Lohan, peeking over the passenger side seat, looking to be sure Aaron Carter hasn't followed her. No hon, he took one look at your Caboodles Cotton Candy pink frosted lips and Vixen red nails and ran for the hills. Linds, you have got to stop letting Paris Hilton do your eye makeup. (I see her peeking over the seat.) She took the crayon she used to write her "biography" and drew circles around your eyes. Remember, too much around the eye makes it appear smaller and makes you seem as if youre willing to give two dollar lap dances. tsk tsk. And I see you havent yet taken my advice and stayed out of the tanning bed. Soon your skin will be confused with the leather hide of an angus steer. Heed my warning Lindsay. The next time Kevin Federline wears a shirt that announces Beef Jerky, you know even he is trying to send you a message about your skin.
A look back, Jennifer Lopez
 Gosh, Jennifer Lopez's hair extensions look really nice don't they? The shirt..pretty color, but I would suggest maybe a size medium instead of petite. I like my own shirts to cover the overflow of blubber on my waist, when Jen sits down I'm sure she will see my point.The fit of those pants..so flattering. And the way the pants just progress right into the shoes is rather interesting. There is no beginning or ending to the capri pants, they are part of the shoe/sandal combo. She went to the cobbler and had him attach her pinstriped trousers to her gladiator boots for an inspiring fashion statement. Instead of being cutting edge and funky and hip, Jennifer looks like she has not one but two prosthetic legs. Odd fashion choice. I'll give this one two thumbs down.
Celebs and their butts
 Paris likes fuzzy things near her ass. K. Fed or his lookalike? Either way, I spy a pair of wet buttocks!  Hayden enjoys picking his bum... Heidi picks Seal's butt too...
..while Hilary does a little butt scratching of her own.
A look back to last year....December 2004
Over 2000 posts served up hot and fresh and five million viewers served a heaping dose of celebrity shit this past year! WOW. Just to think, I started with a blank slate and three people reading my words (shout out to stephanie, fanchen and kiersten!) . I'm going to travel back in time and post some archived stuff during the next two weeks, a look back at 2005. Lets start with some wood...Woody Allen that is.  Imagine if this was your dad. And then imagine that you grew up and he was in love with you. And you liked him because he was so..neurotic and...whiny. And because the only man a girl can really depend on is her dad. So then you married him and had a baby with him. And then your dad was..your husband. And your husband was your babys father and he was sort of your dad but also your husband. And your mom was still...your mom. But your dad was still your dad but your husband as well. Weird, isn't it?
Elton to get married
Will he wear those glasses during the ceremony? Will he wear a toupee? 
I hope these two are invited!  Grooms attire, perfect for playing doctor after the wedding ceremony, wink wink
 party favors
 Sadly, Paris and Paris were not allowed to marry at Prince Charles's place despite their display of UK love. I love LOVE. I love the idea of two souls who simply cannot be without each other tying the knot and living happily ever after in a huge mansion on the English countryside where everyone looks like they just stepped out of a Jane Austen novel. Scattered rose petals and velvety green grass with sheep in the meadow! Looks like Elton John, that’s SIR Elton to you, will get to live out that fantasy while I sit here in a small office in smoggy southern California.
Elton will marry his longtime love, David Furnish (that’s Fur-nish) at Windsor
Guildhall where Prince Charles married Camilla. If it's good enough for royalty, its good enough for Sir Elton, you know what I mean? Britain is now recognizing gay partnerships so perhaps our gay friends will be traveling to England this year to get married. Although the happy couple turned down $10 million to videotape the affair, Elton says that no one is sworn to secrecy so of course someone is going to spill the beans to People and Ok! magazines. The wedding will be a simple get together of friends, 650 of them. I can't even count to seven hundred, who has that many friends? Will Donatella Versace, Madonna, Posh N’ Becks, and Gwyneth Paltrow be there? Naturally the Osbournes will attend. A party just isn't a party without Kelly and her tightly laced corset!
Naomi Campbell smackdown!
Don't mess with Naomi or her supermodel coke snorting, catwalking posse. She will scratch your eyes out and then eat them with Turkish Delight. 
Oliver Twist, the real bohemian who kicked off this craze of dressing like a homeless person. Except he really was homeless. 
Nice try Sienna. Now go back to having a three way with Jude and the nanny.
 No one does it quite like Kate. But wait- she did have sex with Jude! Don’t you dare to contradict Naomi Campbell or she will bitch slap you within an inch of your life then lie about it. Naomi is threatening to beat up Sienna Miller if she doesn't quit copying Kate Moss’s style of dress. Kate is the original boho chick and Sienna is a very poor imitation, according to Ms. Campbell. She is absolutely livid that people dare to compare her coke buddy to that trollop, Sienna. According to Naomi, Sienna has no style of her own and has to rip off funky Kate’s clothing choices in order to dress herself and she cant even do that. Says Naomi in that fierce British accent, “I don't know Sienna Miller but there is no comparison to Kate. I don't like imitations, I like the real thing."
Ben and Jen, phone home!
Where have they gone? Must be holed up at home with little Lavender. I hear Starbucks has an express delivery service for celebrities. Or else Ben n' Jen found a new place to get their java rush.
Contest
 Mrs. Federline wear Vintage Vantage! And so do I.... click here to see me in the same shirt as Britney- I know its very exciting- and also to find out who the heck won the contest! And also, what to get the hoochie mama in your life? Find out on the fashion blog!
Jamie Foxx
 I was totally thrilled when Jamie Foxx's peeps contacted me to have a listen to his new album. An advance listen. Yes, and now I want tickets to the Grammy's and a seat next to Gwen Stefani! Apparently, Academy Award winner Jamie works with very smart, cool people who like to laugh and make fun of celebrities as much as I do while they are supposed to be hard at work. Who knew? Okay so Mr. Foxx has tons of talent: he acts, he sings and plays the piano. And wow, can those fingers caress the ivories. What's next, I ask you, a modeling contract with Chanel? Perhaps. You can listen to his music and watch some interviews and other stuff here. The people he is working with have a few albums to give away so the first couple of people who email me will recieve a brand spanking new cd. And since Jamie is probably going to be stopping by today, I just want to say "Heeeyyyyy!" and let him know that although I'm married, I would be happy to be his date for the Academy Awards this year.
Thats Ms. Mariah to you
  Excuse me but where is Mariah's red carpet made from freshly spun silk and her white lily scented candles? Where are the people to hold a tent over her head and those who must spritz the air with scented water so she doesn't have to smell the stench of mediocrity? What, what is this?Look at the hands on her hips as if to say, "People, puh-leeze! Where is my mink turban, my cigarette holder and my velvet caftan with the diamond trim? Do you know who I AM? I am a DIVA!" Have you seen her apartment on Cribs? Surely you have. Her closet is big enough to house six thousand pairs of top end high heels while the jets in her jacuzzi spit out champagne bubbles. There is a person employed to hold gilded toilet paper and a bidet that will cleanse her bottom with Evian water, room tempature of course! Her shower features an actual pair of human hands to wash her with imported French soaps, milled from the finest flowers in the region that...that stuff comes from. Her bedroom is decorated with mirrors, heavy drapes, faux fur, rubies and rhinestones with a smoke machine and pink tinted lighting. Her dog has his own bedroom done up in chintz and toile with a canopy bed. She has her own Mystic tanning center and an employee whose job it is to make sure she doesn't have tan lines. The room where Marilyn Monroe's grand piano is kept is OFF LIMITS. Mariah is so down to earth and really prides herself as being "one of us".
Kid and Kev
  Finally! It's all coming together for me now. I don't know if Kid Rock enjoys rocking out with his cock out, but I see a pattern between the two greasiest men of showbiz. Let us count the ways... * both have a history of being involved with hot chicks * Kev and Kid both begin with the letter "K" (this might really come as a shocker to some of you) * they like to wear knit hats * don't care for showers * they like the smokes and the Bud Light * sparse facial hair * bloated and boozy * both have driven cars with rust spots * Kev used to deliver pizza, Kid likes to eat it * they like to wear wifebeaters, three in a pack from Hanes, can't beat that shit with a stick Two peas in a pod these two.
More on T. Cruisey
"What's a sciencematologist? Do they make clothes?"  "Ha ha ha! You think that's my baby in there?" 
In a dream state, Tom was told by his band of prancing green aliens to find a tall woman and make her his own with sperm from another member. Unfortunately, Kirstie Alley was tied up with other business and several bags of Keebler fudge stripes.
"Everything is going according to my plan... heh hehehe"
Paris: "I only slept with Xenu five times!" Nicky: "Make than ten..."
"Really, you should come to one of our meetings. Usher just converted! For a limited time only, with your purchase of an Emeter Delite, you can have a Thetan Cleansing with an anal gland drainage and a free copy of Dianetics."
 "Aliens are hot!" I'm waiting patiently, just like I do when I'm driving to Beverly Hills and must sit in horrendous traffic- I'm waiting for Tom Cruise to have some kind of breakdown. I'm hoping Geraldo Riviera goes behind the scenes for an in-depth look at what goes down at the Scientology compound. I want to hear the truth. "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"
Angie and Brad Jolie-Pitt
 While I haven't actually received my invitation to the Buddhist ceremony that will unite Brad and Angelina for at least six months, I have good reason to believe it's in the mail and will reach me by weeks end. Those two sex crazed love birds are planning a low-key wedding which is perfect since I'm worn out from my holiday shopping and cannot possibly go out to buy a new dress. And I hate to make my personal assistant run out for one more thing! I'll just have to wear a simple Valentino gown I have laying around. Please don't worry as I know you often do, Im fine! Angie and Brad's marriage won't last very long so I refuse to put too much effort into looking glamorous for the ceremony. In fact, a gift certificate to Chicks N' Suds for some chicken wings and beer with a complimentary lap dance is what I'm giving them as a gift. From what I've been told, Brad called Jennifer and said, "Im marrying Angie soon so brace yourself." Harsh! Dude, use some finesse when you're dropping a bomb like that. Flowers say you care but a bottle of Tequila says the shits gonna hit the fan so be prepared. Anyway, please note from the above photo that Maddox (that's "Mad Dog" to Brad) Jolie-Pitt is wearing Napoleon Dynamite moon boots. Sweeeeeeet!!
Haylie Van Dyke
 Haylie Duff looks like Dick Van Dyke. So what the heck is she doing in Maxim magazine?
Networking for Good
 Besides non-animal tested breast implants and a new car, this holiday season I'm wishing for world peace, an end to hunger and no more suffering for children. Like Angelina Jolie, I'm a true humanitarian with big lips. This next year I hope to get off my fat yet scrumptious ass and make a difference in the world. Here is where I'm going to start, by checking out volunteer opportunites on this site. No matter what holiday you celebrate, the color of your skin or what you believe in, you too can have a positive impact in this world. Making fun of celebs and joking about entertainment news sure is fun, but what could be better than giving a helping hand to the less fortunate? During this season, would you do something to help others? We now resume our regularly scheduled celebrity bashing...
Natural beauty?
 Is that a post-surgical face lift scar I see by her ear?  *image from JJB
 *image from gossip rocks
Just so you know, there is no such thing as natural beauty. Scarlett Jo obviously had a little somethin'-somethin' done to her nose. Check out Paula Abdul's honker before she went under the knife. Her plastic surgeon did a lovely job. Kudos to the doctor who created her present nose. In Hollywood 99.9% of the Beautiful People (including but not limited to Angie, Halle, Gisele, Julia, Freddie, Vince and many more) have gone under the knife to make their noses smaller, cheeks more prominent, lips bigger, teeth straighter, skin smoother, bodies tanner and in the case of Demi Moore, an all around body reconstruction. Even Ms. Madonna has gone under the knife for a little face lift. Kate Winslet who is stunning and lovely has succombed to a nose job. The Patron Saints of plastic surgery, Joan Rivers and Janice Dickinson, come clean about their bionic faces but for most (Halle, Im talking to you) they try to pass off their current states as being God given. Hint: you don't lose weight in your nose, people! For more on this fascinating subject, head over to the new plasticfantastic area of the entertaining forum, Gossiprocks.com. For some strange reason, I'm oddly entertained by celebrities pre-surgical state.
Vomit Inducing
To finding love with a gay man, laughing like a donkey and wheezing her way through the Red Carpet. .. ...in the words of the immortal Whitney Houston: HELL TO THE NO!
unless I get clocked in the head with a blunt object and am given mind altering drugs against my will, I doubt I will be reading this book. The very thought of Star Jones makes my colon start to unravel and gives me chills and a high fever. Further viewing of Mrs. Gay Al gives me anal leakage and short term memory loss. Really! What?
If this book- this memoir, this shit filled tome of how great her life is- does something to signal the beginning of Armageddon, like sky rocket to the top of the best seller list, I am going to pack up my belongings and move to Antarctica to live among the penguins.
Random celebs in need of a debloatification
Luke Wilson is looking bloated and pasty. Dude, go on the South Beach diet and hit the tanning bed. You know, Paris swears by the magic of the Mystic Tan. 
Look for Lisa Rinna's helium filled balloon lips to make an appearance at the Macys Christmas parade.
Mariah is the color of a tangerine and the consistancy of pudding. Why is she slowly expanding like Violet Beauregard in Willy Wonka? She's getting bigger and wider and will soon eat an Olsen twin.
*some images from Rosiedemarioblogspot.com
Happy Birthday Kate
Tom purchased this nifty gadget for Katie's birthday, its the E-meter 3000, the hottest, newest model available! Reminds me of a cow milking device, measuring the output of the teats.
 Tom gives the special salute to highest ranking Scientologist David, who enjoys high thread count sheets, handmade suits, Egyptian cotton and anal thermometers. Yes, Scientologists who are Operating Thetans VIII live the good life.  Nothing says 'I love you' like jerking her head back from flaming candles. 
I see Scientologists.... Although I always think of Katie as being about nineteen and impressionable, the fact is she just turned 27 years old. For her birthday, Tom (or his publicist) created a little girls dream. Tommy took her to FAO Schwartz and did handstands amongst the oversized stuffed animals and covertly distributed L. Ron Hubbard paraphanelia amongst the Bratz dolls. Then Tom grabbed Katie's hand and pounced on the oversized piano keys just like Tom Hanks in the movie Big. Imagining Tom Cruise frolicking on piano keys isn't too hard for me to do. In fact, I bet he really got into it, pretending it was Oprah's couch from crazy days gone by. He was making that weird monkey face too I bet. Later those two wacky kids went ice skating, consumed cake and ice cream and opened presents. And here's a present for you...an email I received confirming all we know to be true. Dear DJ, One of my boyfriend's best friends is very high at Ford Models. A few months ago he (Ford models guy) was at a benefit and was seated next to Katie Holmes publicistwho proceeded to get drunk and told him that she is not carrying Tom's baby(he is rumored to be sterile) but the current head of scientology's baby(not l ron hubbard). Apparently Tom is in love with Katie for doing this(head of scientology is also Tom's butt buddy). Happy Birthday Katie, you freaky starlet with an empty yet programmable brain. Manchurian Candidate, anyone?
Ashlee Simpson- Exhausted!
Ashlee and Nick, during happy times. Could it be his departure from the Simpson clan be making Ashlee sick?  That is one ugly sweater, Nick."Thanks, Joe picked it out then held a gun to my head, forcing me to wear it." Due to the overwhelming stress of Jessica and Nick's divorce, Ashlee Simpson fell ill after a recent performance. She screeched out her song, I Am Me and then told the crowd she wasn't feeling too well. Ashlee mumbled, "I love you guys..." then collapsed in an elevator which is so dramatic, Joe Simpson couldn't have planned it any better. I hope he got it on film! Ashlee was rushed at top speed to the hospital where she was immediately given fluids via IV and was told to rest. What I believe happened was that Joe directed her not to eat or sleep and pushed drugs on her, causing a breakdown of sorts. All to take the spotlight away from his precious Jessica who smells like Duncan Hines cake mix and day old cupcakes thanks to that vomitous line of shit, Dessert. Like Colin Farrell, Ashlee was admitted to the hospital for- what else?- Exhaustion. We know what that means, right people? Yup. She's been hitting the crack pipe.
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Pammy
 Look who decided to drop by my blog and have a little chat with yours truly? Check it out...click here
Anti-Federline group
The Spears-Federline family Christmas card  Have you seen this? Of course you have! My sexy readers are in the know! If you haven't been to the Divorce Kevin site, you must do so right now and put an end to the spawning of Weed Man Federline. He also goes by Federjerk and Gravy Train Federline. Wanted in two states under the name of "Earl" for theft of cigarettes and Skoal. Click here to experience the Divorce Kevin movement that is sweeping the nation.
Lohan, suddenly smart!
 In an attempt to look like Buddy Holly, Lindsay Lohan adds a pair of glasses to her outfit. Suddenly she seems so...smart! Scroll down a bit to the photo of Kate Moss and Lindsay. Notice anything...like how Linds is wearing almost the same exact outfit as Ms. Moss? The cape/poncho? The skinny pants, the crotch tassle belt? The ballet flats? What you can't see is the vial of coke in her bag but trust me, its there. How do I know? Because this is HOLLYWOOD. How else do the girls stay so skinny, hmmmm? Besides colonics and starvation of course.
A look at: the impeccable style of K. Fed
What up Fresno? Kevin's always had really great hairstyles. His coif is always perfect. cough cough This look isn't easy to master. Kev's been practicing this for years. The "what you lookin' at" expression. Try it in your mirror and report back to me.
 It takes a tough man to carry a leather bag. Obviously he is comfortable with his sexuality. 
To pull this look off properly, you must buy your camo pants two sizes too big and this is important: don't wear a belt. You want to show off your skid markz when you bend over. Chicks dig that shit, man!
Act like you don't care when all dem Pavoratti's are looking at choo. Let them stand in the greasy wake of your hair and allow them to wallow in the stench of what is your dirty armpits and unwashed buttocks.
Cornrows: not just for women anymore. Bo Derek showed off her cornrows in the movie "10" but Kev elevates the sexy look to a whole new level. Hint: Head and Shoulders will put an end to the visible flakes!
Again with the baggy pants. Add a large shirt and pull the fedora over your half open eyes and there you go, instant clubbing attire. Don't forget your bottle of "water" wink wink.
This isn't a look for the fashion shy. You need to work with the layering here.
You start out with a wifebeater, preferably stained because a stained shirt says, I DON'T CARE and that's cool, yo. You need some ultra baggy boxer shorts because hanging free is what its all about. The manpris, these are a special pant. Half capri, half pant but full on enormous. White socks with shoes that must remain unlaced. Lacing shoes says you care and face it, to be kool like Kev, you can't worry about what other people think. Obviously. Accessories include beef jerky, cheetos, funyons, beer, Mountain Dew, Red Bull, a pop singer, a Ferrari, a couple of kids, hair gel, and a dvd of Beavis and Butthead.
Shweaty Balls
 Finally! Kim Basinger and Alec “Pete Shweaty Balls" Baldwin’s custody battle over their ten year old daughter is coming to an end. Now Ireland will be in intensive therapy for another ten years. Or else Tom Cruise will work with her because he's been known to cure emotional issues with a wave of his magic wand. Kim and Alec have been fighting like two women fighting over the last Nicole Miller blouse at a Loehman's sale. Trust me, its not pretty to witness. "Baldy", my pet name for Alec, took Kim to court complaining she “violated a court imposed custody order". He went on to say that Kim turned their daughter into a little James Bond, spying on her father and then stealthily reporting back to her mother via a Bic pen, a shoe and two soup cans held together by a string. Very sneaky, that Ireland. Thankfully this nightmare is all over from Alec speaking out about Kim’s mental instability to Kim shooting back with details of Alec’s horrendous bad breath and violent temper. The two are trying to work on staying positive for the sake of their daughter who is probably emotionally scarred from this whole ordeal. Look for the E! True Hollywood Story of Ireland Baldwin: Little Girl, Big Problems, Crazy Parents coming soon.
The Hoff voted!
Guy voted, so did Madonna and I don't even attend Kaballah meetings.
 Angelina held a summit with world leaders to vote for me! I'm so honored! And I'm not even an orphan. Please keep those votes coming, I appreciate it! Also check out two of my favorite blogs, Spirit Fingers and the super fantastic Manolo's Shoe Blog. Vote by clicking here.
Katie is not pregnant
 Could it be...a sham? I received word that Katie Holmes is not pregnant. Not at all. In the above photo, it looks like her belly button popped out like a well cooked turkey. The poppage usually doesn't occur until the last month or two of pregnancy. This is what was sent to me via email this morning, "Katie Holmes isn't PG and that it's all a sham and that someone else is PG and will pop out the baby and they will pretend it's Katies." The message came via an email at a scientology center so this person must have a direct line to either Xenu or Tom Cruise. I think Katie "borrowed" one of those foam bellys at a maternity store and has been wearing it to the soccer games they keep attending. For someone who is so against psychiatry, Tom is clearly playing head games with us. And I'm not buying into it!
Lindsay and Kate: Cokeheads Unite!
 After hearing what a big fan Lindsay Lohan is, Kate Moss met up with her at Mr. Chows. Lindsay loves Kate's fashion sense, and after viewing the above outfit, I must question her opinion. Kate is wearing some kind of wierd poncho/leather jacket hybrid and pants I could only wear if I lost a few holiday pounds. While at dinner, where both girls pushed food around their plates without actually eating, I'm certain they discussed cocaine usage and bad boys. As you know, Lindsay is dating Jared Leto and the press will probably come up with some kind of name like Loleto or LeLohan or Linjar. Kate recently blamed Pete Doherty for her downslide into the dark abyss of coke snorting by saying, "I love him, but I was taken in by his little-boy-lost routine. He has nearly cost me everything." And then she added "he makes me sick." Lindsay understood, that night with Bruce Willis so long ago? Makes her sick too. And the midnight booty call at Wilmer's hotel room? Makes her sick. And dating Aaron Carter? Sick. Sick. Sick.
Usher likes his Colonics
 I don't know much about Usher other than he has really nice abs and likes to party like P. Diddy. But here in Complex Magazine, he shares valuable information that could benefit the rest of us. He speaks fondly of the colonic: "Nah man. I mean, yeah, I had a colonic before but not no shit like that. Not no monthly thing. Hell no. Someone who travels a lot like I do, while you're on the road, flying over to Africa and eating meats in certain places, you don't always eat the way you should and a lot of waste builds up inside your body. That's why I did it.It ain't no shit you gonna be proud of, I'll tell you that." Perhaps he should stop saying shit in conjuction with speaking about colonics, no? So when youre flying over Africa (as we all do quite frequently) you should really have a colonic, maybe even on the plane, to save time. More Usherism's can be found in the magazine including something about girl- on- girl action at his orgy parties but no guy- on- guy because Usher doesn't "roll that way".
Gallery of the Absurd
 Gallery of the Absurd is so damn funny, I just about fell off my chair when I read her newest feature: celebrity mimic Jeff. You must head over there right this second and look. Here Jeff gets the nuances of K. Fed's expression just right.
Jenny Lopez
 Jennifer Lopez without the aid of full face cosmetic application. I feel so much better about myself now. 
Jenny from the block with Charlie Chaplin. It's amazing he came back from the dead to see J. Lo of all people. I would have figured him for a Mariah Carey fan for sure.
Jenny calms her nerves with a nic stick. Well what do you expect? Ben Affleck is now a daddy and she needs to find solace in something. Jen recently took up smoking. You do the math. Poor Jen wants babies of her own but Marc isn't sure if he wants to be a father again. He's got several children with a couple different women. What's one more kid? Ben drove her to smoke! And drink! Marc Anthony is manorexic and is practically wasting away from malnutrition. If anything should happen to Marc, I think Carrot Top is single...the kids would be cute, and by cute I mean ugly.
The Weed Man Cometh
 Damn Pavarotti's won't leave me alone, yo! 
Holla. Rock out with your cock out had a much better ring to it. More catchy than Holla @ Yo Damn Self. Kev is full of intellectual words and phrases. I like My BeeYotch is Richer Than Yours! the best, but a close second is: I Ain't Done Nuffin Wrong, Yo!
Britney is back to showing off her stomach! Half shirts and bare beet are back, y'all! Kevin wears a see-thru long sleeve shirt which shows off the wife beater underneath. Subtle laying is key in fashion this winter.
 Black bra two sizes too small? Its in place. And it's safe to say that she is breastfeeding. Nicotine laced milk, it does a body good! I'm thrilled, just thrilled to see Britney and Kevin out on the town. They had a lovely dinner where they were seen making out all through the evening and then took in a showing of Memoirs of a Geisha. Britney wanted to see Brokeback Mountain but Kevin said, "Hell NO! Gay cowboys? Ain't fo' me! They got beer?" The two wanted privacy and offered movie goers some cash to not sit by them, as if the smell of Britney's feet and Kevins's armpits wasn't enough to drive people into the next theater to see Chicken Little. Kev was bragging all over town that he was going to be on the recieving end of $125 million should he and Brit-Brit dee-vorce. Things were rocky for a while although contrary to popular belief, Kev's Ferrari was sent back to the dealership for an oil change, not because Britney was punishing him. How do the rumors get started? After he consulted wif his lawyers, he decided to try and patch things up with Britney. After all, a man cannot survive on a mere $125 mil. When you're buying Ferrari's and partying and smoking weed and eating beef jerky like its going out of style, you need to budget and Kev's not real good at math. But once that album comes out and he makes a billion, (as if!) he will be free to retire to Las Vegas, land of strippers and hookers galore! Bye bye Britney and helllloooooo lap dances every night of the week. Rock out, baby!
Ab fab
Draw your own comparisons. But I see a few similarities... a few more years and a bit of liquor and we will have Patsy and Edina via the Hilton sisters.
Jen A. and Jenny S.
Jennifer Aniston rides a moped but Angie rides a crotch rocket vroom vrooom
 Angie's lover, Jenny. She has pointy hair. Although I wasn’t invited, I know that Jen is having a huge party complete with margaritas, chips and salsa and as the piece de resistance, she will create a bonfire in the shape of Brad Pitt's penis and attempt to burn every last shred of Brad memorabilia. Letters and notes, cards, dried flowers, a merkin from Legends of the Fall, anything that meant something during their years of marriage will be burned to a crisp in the flames of dispair. She will then run naked into the ocean to partake in Return to the Womb Therapy and cleanse Brad's touch off her body. This should be the final nail in the coffin of their marriage. DONE!
In related news, Angelina’s ex-girlfriend who looks like a boyfriend, says that she and Angie have a very deep emotional bond. And a sexual one too. Jenny Shimizu says that there was never any closure on her relationship with Angelina. And it wasn't all about the sex. These two girls shared a deep friendship and Jenny says she will always care about Angie. Always...like maybe they still sleep together? Hmmmmmm....
How does Brad feel about this? Well, as a huge fan of the Girls Gone Wild videos and Hooters restaurants across the USA, he offered Jenny and Angie a trip down to Daytona Beach for spring break just to “see what happens.” That Brad, such a class act.
Hey, Jude
 This scarf is too long..
This scarf is too tight... 
This ones kind of wimpy...
 But this one's juuuuuussstttt right! Like sunshine everyday in California and a celebrity in rehab, one thing I can count on in life is Jude Law wearing yet another scarf. Not a thick, handmade knitted scarf, but a flaccid and droopy scarf. Maybe he likes to be blindfolded by Sienna and play Guess The Nanny? Its a fun game, you should try it! Its all the rage. Scarf or not, Jude will not be spending the holidays with Sienna, instead he will be with his ex-wife Sadie and their children. Dare I ask if the nanny cough, cough will be around to help out and by help out, I mean put out! It doesn't matter to Sienna because she's been seen around town with non-scarf wearing Leonardo di Caprio who has split from Gisele. Jude and Sienna fall into that Just Friends category which means they are Friends With Benefits. Do I have to spell it out for you? It means he can tie her up with a scarf today and be off tying Kirsten Dunst to his bed posts tomorrow. And Sienna can sleep around with everyone from Jake Gyllenhaaaaaal to Wilmer Valderamalama and no one will care. It's Free Love! In the immortal words of the songstress known as J. Lo, "My love don't cost a thing."
Ashley Olsen, monk
 monk chic, it's hot!
People tell me all the time how very perceptive I am. Its a gift. That's why I am confident that I have figured out the mystery of the heavily cloaked Olsen sister. While sister Mary Kate enjoys dressing like a dirty, homeless bohemian who hasn't picked through a trash can in a while, Ashley is quietly announcing her desire to join...yes, the monestary. The long flowing robes, the dark colors, the head to toe wrap- it all points in one direction. And that is of the Monkhood. I believe Ashley harbors a secret desire to run away and join the silence of the monestary. The only caveat is - no, not a lack of sex and parties or even the absence of cosmetics and a blow dryer- but most places monks inhabit do not offer an on- site Starbucks. Which really throws a wrench in the whole plan. At least she can wear the clothes and adopt a code of silence while living in obscurity. Benedictine Monks present Ashley Olsen...I smell a marketing opportunity. Robes and Candles by Sister Ashley for Wal*Mart
Poor little Colin!
Is that a Xanax in your pocket or are you happy to see me?  Got a light? How 'bout a condom then? Colin Farrell has been checked into a rehab facility due to something called “exhaustion” which is simply publicist speak for “partied too much” and dependency on prescription medications for a “back injury” which means he cannot keep his hands off vicodin. He also cannot stop snorting the coke, but that doesn’t fall under the category of prescrip meds, right? I so enjoy reading about stars and their so called exhaustion. Boohoo! When you party hard and drink a lot and take too many of those “prescriptions” wink wink, you tend to wear yourself out. Colin Farrell doesn’t turn me on: I rather go shopping for a pair of Manolos than spend a sweaty night of drunken, aggressive partying with him. Like K. Fed and Brandon Davis before him, he just looks like he smells like cumin and is coated with a layer of grease and dirt. Anyhoo, I wish him all the best and don’t forget to address all holiday greetings care of Promises Rehab Facility in Malibu, unless he is at the place Pete Doherty skipped out of, Meadows in Arizona.
Mischa & Cisco
 Strike a pose! When will Keds come out with heels? Don't forget the limes for the Coronas, Cisco "If loving Cisco is ugly than I don't want to be pretty!"- imagined quote from Mischa Barton Mischa is hawking Keds at some event, I don't know what it is and unless I'm going to get a truckoad of free shoes, I refuse to mention the brand name over and over again. Publicity isnt cheap. Or free. But you know what is cheap and free? Celebrity gossip. I hope Cisco doused himself with a bleach-ammonia mixture to get the Kimberely Stewart cooties off! Because sleeping with Cisco is like sleeping with Kim who has also slept with Joe Francis who slept with Paris Hilton who slept with...well, lots of people. I simply can't count that high!
David Arquette likes the strippers. Woo hoo!
David Arquette has a knack for bad fashion and a love of strippers
Alexis Arquette has something wierd poking out of that miniskirt. HE is now a SHE. And just what happens to the removed penis?
Dennis Rodman is a man who is clearly in touch with his feminine side. All thats missing is a broom stick and a big cauldron. Stripper Erika Keith is coming out with a story of how she had wild sex with a drunken David Arquette one year after he started dating Courteney Cox. Erika was put through the grueling lie detector test and passed with flying colors. She also has photos from her night of drunken passion with David. Whoopee cushions and fake dog poo is not visible in said photos. But David was wearing clown shoes and a red wig. She was brilliant to whip out her camera mid-intercourse. "Just wait one second while I take your photo...." That always goes over well! Since he was drunk, he didn't notice the flash in his face.
Miss Erika gave all nude lap dances- which incidentally happens to be my part time job- to David at a club in Atlanta, Georgia. Isn't that where Bobby and Whitney drop their dookie bubbles? Erika gave David her phone number, probably scribbled down on a cocktail napkin and the two met up a few nights later. Erika says they had drunken sex which is the best kind. No inhibitions and no worries. She says, “He was a good lover, but it was drunken sex so it was aggressive." Aggressive? Tell me more! Handcuffs and whips? And obviously a good camera.
And what does Miss Cox think about this? Naturally her response to the whole ordeal is “No comment.” I want to hear the bitch unleash her fury!
In other Arquette family news, brother Alexis is now a sister, once he was an uncle to little Coco and now he is an aunt. Confused? This is going to be documented on television lest you find yourself questioning how it all transpired. Congrats to Alexis on a life changing operation. Just for fun, check out the photo of Dennis Rodman who likes dressing in full face makeup and has no interest in a sex change. He’s just plain weird. Strippers and lap dances and sex change operations, celebrity gossip at its best!
Scarlett
 Yeeek! Whats that peeking out from under her nostrils? Progs from an electric socket? No, its a nose ring. Sometimes Scarlett Johansson is totally hot with those pillowy lips and that deep throaty voice... and other times- like right now- she looks like she needs a trip to the Caribbean and a bowl of hot soup along with a nap.
Lost in Translation? No, Lost in Mulletville. 
The best accessory you can include with your fancy dress is...
 baby buttocks! Check out Scarlett's cleavage and tell me she doesn't have an infant down the front of her gown.
Take a look at what's cooking
 Good shoes... 
Good books... If you haven't wandered over to the Conversations With Famous Writers site, I suggest you go take a peek. The site has a new look, face lift provided by the very talented Swirlogirl! I've been working on interviews with big names who will be dropping by in 2006, stay tuned. And Conversations About Fashion has a new contributor, a world renowed stylist who helps me pick out the funkier items in my very own wardrobe. This fashionista is an artist, glam diva and trend spotter. She adds a new flair to my site and has an unparalleled eye for whats hot and not. Many thanks to SS Love for providing the site with some fresh energy. Take a look and get some ideas on what to buy yourself for the holiday season!
Me and THE ROCK
 You know the latest rage is quasi-celebrity bloggers hanging out with famous people. This enables us to post photos with the celebrity and brag about how famous we are. I hate to toot my own but honk honk!I was recently shopping for a new car with Dwayne "The Rock" and someone must have tipped off the paparazzi because before I knew it, flashbulbs were going off and cameras were in my face! You know I hate having my photo splashed everywhere, remember when I was out with Brad and Angie? I was mortified! Anyway, The Rock and I had such a lovely day together. Not only is he handsome, but very sweet too. And really- please- enough with the rumors. We are just friends! We are both married to non-famous people and I don't want gossip being spread about our "relationship".
Carrots contributions
You know what they say about men with big hair, right?  The love child of Ronald McDonald and Bozo the clown
Several months ago I was on the message boards on Fametracker when I came across a forum called Celebrity Endowments. Thinking this was something like the Endowments for the Arts, I took a look thinking I would be reading about celebrity charitable contributions. I had been drinking and obviously not thinking clearly because anyone of sound mind would realize endowments would mean one thing: big shlongs.
I touched on this very thing a while back, but each time I see a photo of Carrot Top, I get a pain in my gut and I start to feel a bit queasy. Next my colon gets twisty and I usually have a torrential bout of diarreha that eliminates the necessity of my weekly colon hydrotherapy. Topping the list of celebrity ahem! endowments was none other than Carrot Top.
Back in August, in a twist of fate that was completely meaningless, I was stopped at a red light and in the car next to me and who should be right there but CARROT TOP in a bright yellow BMW convertible that set off the orange-red of his copper colored curls. His fluffy hair was blowing in the wind. Try as I might, I could not see into the seat and validate the endowments claim myself.
Somethings are better left to the imagination... or not. He seemed rather offended when I rolled down my window, leaned out and yelled, "DID YOU TAKE PENIS ENLARGEMENT TABLETS ALONG WITH THOSE STEROIDS?"
Who's your daddy?
 I have received news that Matt Damon is pregnant with Ben Affleck's love child! I know it seems impossible but the news is true. Matt is three months along and says he feels great. If the baby is a girl, he would like to name her Magenta in order to keep with the color theme beginning with Violet Affeck. If its a boy, he will be known as Burnt Umber. A big congrats to all! Especially Matt's new bride, Luciana, who he met while throwing back beers at a Florida nightclub. A barmaid is an excellent choice of a merkin! Please take note of Matty's most excellent bangs in the above photo.
MK and her broken heart
 Like vodka and tonic, Stinky Pete and MK are perfect together 
Poor Mary Kate Olsen. Just because she has billions of dollars hidden under her My Pretty Pony Canopy bed doesn’t mean she doesn’t hurt like the rest of us. The wee one experiences pain just like I do when I can't find a perfect size 7.5 pair of Jimmy Choo shoes. Thats heartache for you, people.
MK, as we- her friends- call her, is devastated over Stavros Niarchos breaking up with her for Paris "I got crabs!" Hilton. Shhh, baby, its okay. I understand. That big greek mop top was one a million and now you're so desperate, you're thinking David Coulier and Bob Saget are looking mighty fine. Take a few shots of tequila and open your beer goggles. You should be spending time with Pete Doherty, you would make an amazingly messy and undernourished couple.
MK, what are your thoughts right now?
"I miss him and I love him and I don't speak with him anymore. It's a hurtful and painful subject. I've pretty much been with someone my whole life, so this is a hard time for me." ...and then she said something I couldn't decipher but I think it had something to do with Paris Hilton and a horrific case of syphilis.
Mariah cannot drink without help
 ((I can't believe this is my job))  ((Mariah likes the straw to go in at an angle to the side of her mouth!)) There goes the notion that Mariah Carey is low maintenence and not a diva. Roll out the red carpets and get the bendy straws ready for Mimi... She is unable to hold a straw to her lips therefore she employs someone to do it for her. I wonder if she is able to hold a few pieces of toilet paper and wipe herself? I would hate to see the private bathroom moments between the above two. Straw holder, Evian face mister and hiney wiper to the stars! There's a lofty goal.
Another relationship in the crapper
I'd recognize those bony hands anywhere! 
The Most Shocking Breakup award of the week goes to Nicole Richie and her longtime boyfriend, once chubby and now skinny, Adam Goldstein. Congrats! Its a coveted award. Currently, everyone is vying for it. I was stunned and flabbergasted, speechless and quite frankly, lightheaded, to learn that Nicole called off her engagement. Reasons for the split vary from source to source. Some say that Nicole was dabbling in drugs again, tsk tsk! See what that did for Kate Moss? I think Pete Doherty is free now, he loves to party and likes his girls waif thin and easily wasted. Others say that Nicole was cheating on DJ AM when he was in Vegas, spinning his tunes and shaking his thang while Nicole was getting her groove on in LA. And then there's the rumor that Nicole has gotten too skinny and her boyfriend couldn't take the pain of seeing her waste away to the size of a chihuahua. Any way you slice it, my colon is twisted in knots and my heart is heavy. I don't think I can get through another day if more celebrity breakups are on the horizen. What's next, Demi and Ashton splitting up? Charles and Camilla? I don't have to draw you pictures, I think we know where this is headed...Nicole and Wilmer Vladermamalala. Nicole and Jake Gyllnnhlll. But the best pairing would have to be Nicole and Jack Osbourne. A match made in 1970's recording history. Ozzy can eat bats at the wedding while Lionel croons Penny Lover. Unless there is a Greek shipping heir looking for love?
Weblog Awards
 You can vote every single day until the winner is announced on December 15th. Please cast your vote for me by clicking here. Thank you! First there were the Best of the Blog Awards, then the Weblog Awards, next is the Oscars...I'd like to thank my fans, the people who kept me going with their comments and emails...Who loves you? I do, baby!
Paris and Joe and all of young Hollywood
 Joe likes it up the butt.
Up, down, sideways, crooked, backwards: Paris likes it any way she can get it. And if its on camera, even better! And if there is ten or twenty guys involved, hey- then its a party!
A friend of mine told me top secret info. It's newer than freshly harvested cocaine up Pete Doherty's nose. The guy who was blackmailing Joe Francis took two sex videos from Paris Hiton’s home. The videos were stolen to use as blackmail against Paris testifying in court. It’s so Godfatheresque! Whats next, the head of Perez Hilton in her bed? A more effective way to silence the Hilton sister would be to cut off her credit cards and install a heavy duty titanium chastity belt. What’s on the tapes, you ask? Paris Hilton doing Brandon Davis, among other guys. On this video, Paris defines the term, “gang bang”. Brandon was cheating on Mischa Barton with Paris! Maybe that's the real reason Brandon and Mischa broke up. The split had nothing to do with the fact that Brandon had more oil on him than a bottle of Wesson and was more bloated than a dead body floating in the river. The plot thickens…but what we all want to know is, who hasn’t slept with Paris? The only men in Hollywood Paris hasn’t shared her crabs with is Gary Coleman and William Hung.
Random
 The only thing scarier than Diane Keaton's high waisted pants is... 
...Craig T. Nelson's long locks. Just because the hair is full in the back doesn't make up for the lack of it in the front. Reverse pyschology doesn't work when you're talking coifs.
Joan Allen says, "I got FIVE, five shots of botox for the movie premiere!"
For everything else, there's celebrity gossip
 Trip to New York City for two: $5000  New purse to hold my mini vodka bottles: $300
 Shoes to strut my badonkadonk: $200
 The look on Al's face as Star Jones rides him: Priceless
Wednesday Tidbits
 Patrick Swayze- remember him? He is doing his best vulcan trance with botox look. You learn this in acting class. Also known as the "my shit dont stink" face. 
Ann Rice ditched the vampires in favor of Jesus so Jenny McCarthy picks up where Ann left off. Ghoulish white powdered face and dripping blood stained lips. Interview with a Fart Bomb, anyone? You do know that Jenny and Jim Carrey are a couple, right? Just imagine all the belching contests and poop jokes between the two of them. If I'm ever invited to a dinner party with these two, I'll have to pass.
A tale of a broken man
 It's no secret that Britney and Kevin have been fighting like rabid hyenas since Brit popped the baby out. Ever since little cash cow Sean has been on the scene, Brit's life has changed with the advent of sleepless nights and swollen boobs and widened hips and a few extra pounds. Yet Kevin's life remains the same as his pizza delivery days: parties and girls, pot smokin' and playin' why, he is still living the high life while she is ordering the nanny to change Sean's cheeto and jerky filled diaper around the clock. Meanwhile, Lynne Spears says, "I told you so Brit-brit! Shouldn't have let that nice Timberlake boy slip away." Amen to that, mama Spears! Recently, a kind- hearted Kevin invited one of his dirty, drug addict party buds to crash at the Malibu mansion Britney just renovated in what I like to call Emporium de la Liberace. Her home features gilded accents and heavy gold fixtures, thick draperies and plenty of glass figurines and knick -knacks to keep the cleaning lady dusting for days. Brit was livid that Kevin brought this low life into her golden palace. Honestly, the house is like sixty thousand square feet, couldn't the friend have hidden in a closet or something for a night or two? Brit proceeded to throw Kevin out with only a single bag and twenty dollars. This, after she cut off his credit cards! To add insult to injury, she sent his Ferrari back to the dealership. As one friend points out, "I don't know which he loves more- his car or Britney." I'm thinking he highly favors the car: it doesn't talk back and is always satisfying. The ever attentive Kev followed Britney to Las Vegas where he had the nerve to get Brit's brother drunk while dressed in a white Hanes wifebeater shirt and stained boxers. He swallowed his pride, begged Britney to take him back ...oh, and could he GET HIS CAR BACK? Naturally Britney laughed in his oily face and a dejected Kevin, with his tail (and his penis) between his legs, sulked and pouted and finally went back to drinking and partying, yo. And now, I present to you, The Stages Of Grief. Stage One: Denial
"What, me worry? She'll take me back. Where else is she gonna get the grade A prime choice weed I've been hooking her up wif? I'm the best she ever had, man."
Stage Two: Anger Otherwise known as Rocking Out with your Cock Out.
 Stage Three: Bargaining
"I'll move back if she gives me my car. Maybe I'll stay home and only hang with my bitches one night a week. I can cut out the smokes and the beer on Tuesdays. I want that recording studio in the hizzy if I move back. She'll take me back. All them Pavarottis following me, yeah, chicks want a piece of this."
 Stage Four: Depression
"Shit man, I ain't never gonna see my girl again. Yo, I'm talkin' bout my car! Whachoo think I'm talkin about?"
 Stage Five: Acceptance
"Hey! I signed a pre-nup, man! Dude, I got my own cheddar! I can buy my own damn car!"
The break up squad
 Christina Crabapple has been separated from her husband, fellow actor Jonathan Schaech. I don't know how to spell or pronounce his last name so forgive me. There is no room for two stars with big egos in one little marriage. Example: Nick and Jessica. I predicted this would happen years ago. Sorry! 
Heather Locklear and her big haired Bon Jovi rocker husband Richie Sambora are reportedly on the outs. Such a shame, I've always liked Heather. What happens to make a marriage head south? Sometimes blonde hair and a crocheted bikini are not enough to be the glue that keeps a marriage together. Heather, we'll always think of you as Amanda. Example: Meg Ryan and Dennis Quaid. Shocking split!
The icon of the broken heart, the patron saint of breakups, Jennifer Aniston. Granted a photo of her picking her toes isn't the most flattering, but dare I post the pictures of a topless Jen and I will be slammed with a lawsuit faster than you can say "Maddox's daddy". Her lawyer is threatening anyone who posts pictures Jen with her 34B implants in plain view. If you already saw the pictures or posted them on your own site, you may find yourself with a letter than goes a little something like this: "The purpose of this letter is to put you on notice that the publication of certain photos of Ms. Aniston ... showing her topless or in the act of taking off or putting on her top ... will constitute a violation of Ms. Aniston's right to privacy and a violation of other applicable law." What about the photos of a bottomless Vince?
What?
I had no idea I was nominated for anything. But alas I have been! If you want to be kind and vote for me, here is the link. Thank you so very much. Hugs and kisses. I made the announcement that I will be ending the blog shortly... I may or may not decide to post a few times a week, if at all. I haven't decided as of right now. I guess it depends if I win this award. . .
Random
 Have a question for Paris Hilton? In order to promote her book, Your Heiress Diary, Paris is inviting you to send her questions at ParisHiltonQA@yahoo.com! If you have ever had a burning desire to know why she keeps her birth control patch on her right buttock, or what is the best cream to quell the itching and burning, or even how does one achieve good lighting while making a home porn video, now is your time to ask. She would be delighted, just delighted to read and possibly answer your most intimate questions - so get writing! But use small words. 
Jennifer Lopez took the news of baby Affleck really hard. Just look at her! Overnight she developed cystic acne scars and a proclivity towards heavy handed makeup. She has also aged about twenty five years. Is hard, isn't it? Just ask Justin Timberlake. He knows your pain, J. Lo.
Seriously, Jennifer is "character" for a film she is making with her husband, Marc Anthony. I hope the film crew provides good food on the set because I think Marc had manorexia.
What's sexier than a man who carries a purse? One who wears a wifebeater and doesn't bathe, obviously. Since Britney had his sporty bitch magnet repossessed, K. Fed is forced to slum it driving a true symbol of Redneckness: the pickup truck. 
In a strange twist, Kevin Federbum hangs with not his wife, but her brother. He drinks screwdrivers while wearing a wifebeater and a skull cap. "Yo bitches, what up? K. Fed in da hizzy." Meanwhile Brit is in Vegas but just not with her husband. And where is little Sean Preston? With the nanny of course! You just can't party with a kid. Just ask Kate Moss.
 You all laughed and made fun of me when I pointed out the uncanny resemblance between Dakota Fanning (above) and Kelly Osbourne (below) but I think you will agree that the two look alarmingly like sisters. 
Star Jones will let you milk her
 mooooooooo  It's pretty obvious. Star Jones is part cow. She hails from the bovine family, you can tell from her oversize eyeballs and her milking units. Thats the secret and the mystery surrounding her marriage to (previously) Gay Al Reynolds. I'd like to point out that Star, unlike the cow, has undergone gastric bypass surgery resulting in a much slimmer figure. She denies it but my pilates instructor is friends with a plastic surgeon in Beverly Hills who knows a doctor in New York City who performed the operation. He removed her brisket and her tenderloin as well as her top sirloin.
When life hands you lemons...
 Introducing Pouty Malibu Barbie 
Oh...Jessica, oh.. ACK! You're scary from the dracula eyebrows right down to the Purple Rain getup. The eye makeup! The tanorexic skin! Those rigor mortis lips! No wonder why Nick is running. This is the stuff of nightmares.
When life hands you lemons, people, you go to the plastic surgeon and get a few doses of collagen in your lips.
In this whole Team Jessica/Team Nick scuffle, we can only blame Joe Simpson, the bible thumping baptist minister who gave up the Lord in order to reign over his daughters, ahem assets. Joe played a huge part in the separation, he didn't want Jessica to marry Nick since day one. He steadily worked his magic in order to drive a wedge in between the two of them. Meanwhile he had his hand out for a piece of their earnings while building his own empire from his girls debatable talent. Someday, we will be sitting in front of a Lifetime television movie of the week watching The Jessica Simpson Story unfold before our eyes like a modern day Mommy Dearest. Or Daddy Dearest.
More Tommy
 Katie positively dwarfs Tom! I didn't know he was part elf, part boy. Next time Tom arranges for a beard, might I suggest the personal ad be worded as: "Actress needed for sham of a marriage. Must be weak of mind and open to possible alien abduction. Must enjoy John Travolta movies and reruns of Dharma and Greg, long walks on the beach and sunset rides on motorcyles. Love of crop circles negotiable. Those over 5'5 need not apply." 
"See, I'm short and gay and I can play football!"
 "You put the ball here and then yell hike! All the guys will run towards you and try to grab your ball. It's like, totally fun!" Woop woop! Tom Cruise is sooooo romantic. Aside from couch jumping and black market sonogram purchasing, Tom has bought an enormous private jet for Katie Holmes. The gift includes a full staff, available at a moments notice to whisk her from one end of the country to the other. Flight attendents, a couple of fancy pilots and all the dvd's of Top Gun she could wish for, right at her glowing green fingertips. You know what they say...diamonds last forever, but the gift of a private plane is always pretentious and glib!
Ding dong! Wedding bells
 Angelina  Brad In a move that has sent Jennifer Aniston to the nearest bar for shots of whiskey, Brad is moments away from becoming the legal adopted father of Angelina's children, Maddox and Zahara. The kids will take on the last name of Pitt-Jolie and when Angelina marries Brad, she will be known legally as Angelina Jolie-Pitt. Joliepitt. Angie J. Pitt. Mrs. Pitt. Angie and Brad will be married before 2005, I hear they are planning a simple Christmas wedding, something small and intimate and Im sure I will be there because we are all such close friends! Guests are invited to wear leather and carry bullwhips and guns. Wedding favors are rumored to include a dvd of Mr. and Mrs. Smith and vials of Angie and Brad's blood. The ceremony will be non-traditional with a song performed by Billy Bob Thorton and an interpretive dance by George Clooney. After the wedding, Brad and Angie will split their time between third world countries and their Malibu home. Besides doing humanitarian work, Brad would like to focus on his love of modern architecture and he will design furniture with sharp edges and straight lines. Angie will continue her work with orphans and will probably become pregnant before 2007. DistressedJeans Jolie- Pitt has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?
Brit turns 24 and tells Kevin to get out
 Happy belated birthday to Britney Spears! She turned 24 on December 2nd and celebrated by having her husbands Ferrari repossessed. Nothing says "I love you" like a tow truck and a burly man named Crusty. Reports have indicated that Britney kicked Kevin out of their Malibu mansion after a terrible fight in which she was heard yelling obsenities and calling Kevin a "yellow bellied, corn rowed, no talent, pot smoking, play- station playing, money sucking leech." Kevin found solace in a nightclub where he drank until he peed in his pants and in a move that would make Pete Doherty proud, vomited in the street and passed out. I think Britney is better off without Kevin and I would like to see her with someone who likes children, has talent and boy band experience. Some one like ...Nick Lachey.
A baby is born
 Who's yer daddy?
The happy couple
 Jennifer takes a moment to digest the news. Ben has fornicated with another woman and its come to this: a baby. Marc Anthony, its time to procreate. You now know that Jennifer Garner Foley Affleck gave birth around 6:30pm, December 1st. She was induced in the morning after a quick stop at Starbucks, naturally. The day dragged on as the pitocin was cranked up, Ben ran out several times for coffee and more coffee as Jennifer received her epidural. Right after a venti peppermint mocha, Jennifer gave birth to Violet Ann Affleck. The crazy thing was that Ben caught the baby during the final push, aided by two empty Starbucks cups and a cranberry scone. Violet came out of the womb appearing to be the color of a cup of coffee with three cremes and a shot of hazelnut. And she was clutching a napkin with the Starbucks logo, how did that happen? Of course the child would have the initials of the state Jennifer is from, (W) VA. Is that a covert shout-out to accept the nod for political office in West Virginia, Ben? Baby Violet has her fathers ears and her mothers lips which could potentially make for a very ugly baby. The odd thing is, she looks just like Matt Damon. Of course Ben is "over the moon" and is already " a doting father" which means he's hired a baby nurse to come home with them. Jennifer is now "feeling great" since she had something the size of a Thanksgiving turkey stuffed in her uterus for the last month, how else would she feel? She is also "excited" about her new daughter, which loosely translated, means that she's already got an appointment with a pilates instructer and a yoga teacher next Friday with weight training on Saturday and kick boxing on Monday. And lest you think Jennifer is going to wing it on her own, you must be smoking crack because she has a private chef to whip up some low fat gourmet meals. Since Tara Reid has ginormous udders, she kindly offered to act as Violet's wet nurse. Congrats to the happy couple!
Urkid!
 I sure hope Nicole Kidman and her down- under lover, Keith Urban don't pull a Chesweger! The two are engaged and you know what that means right? Married, divorced and botoxed within a year. I really don't want this to be another case of a pale actress marrying another tight jeans wearing country singer only to break up six days later. People are probably trying to blend their names at this second, so I'll save you the time of pulling out your pencil and wracking your brain for something cute like TomCat or Brangelina. Nicole and Keith shall be called, Urkid. Half Urban, half Kidman. I think it has tons of charisma and appeal. Don't you agree?
 Tom may not believe in mental illness, anti-depressents, science, psychiatry or chemical imbalance, but you know what he believes in? Sonograms! As you may or may not know, Tom Cruise decided to purchase a $150,000 sonogram for his own home use. He has used the machine several times to take a peek at Elron Junior. You probably know that he and Katie used L. Ron Hubbards frozen sperm, a sperm popsicle if you will, to impregnate Katie. You are aware that Tom performed the artifical insemination himself, right? Why else do you think he is so proud? Like duh! He is postively beaming and turns down no chance to gush about how cute his unborn child is, he should know, he uses the sonogram to watch the alien fetus mutate everyday! But look who's not beaming: the American College of Radiology is angry that Tom, a non medical professional (despite his claims that he knows about modern technology, pyschology and the history of modern medicine) is using a tool reserved for physicians, not wacky actors who are high on fumes from the mother ship. "The ACR issued a statement warning that Cruise and Holmes could potentially harm their unborn baby by performing ultrasounds without the benefit of a doctor's supervision." When asked for her opinion, Katie Holmes stared straight ahead and said, "Meep. Meep." and began to suck her thumb. In related news, Tom grabbed a ringing cell phone from a reporter and answered it by saying, "Xsu teha xi kuh xtas kung pao!" which loosely translated means, "I'M CUCKOO FOR COCOA PUFFS!"
Can Paris tell time?
 Look at me...look at my enormously gaudy diamond trimmed watch! Now have sex with me!
 Paris, lose the sheer white pantyhose in Opal Mist. If you were worried that you might not be able to find a watch for $100K, fear not. Paris Hilton is now hawking her line of watches and prices start at $100,000. Gee, and to think I was wasting my money on a $12.99 time piece at Target. Coming soon, a pink Bentley with diamond trim designed by Paris and an entire line of trashy lingerie as well as an album chock full of love songs and a line of candy called "Edible Paris". Her newest book is tentatively called "I Had Sex With Tom Sizemore And Lived To Tell About It" a lengthy title, yes- but it really captures the essence of the content. Is there nothing Paris cannot do? Seriously, when is her line of sex toys being launched? Speaking of sex toys, she is reportedly engaged with that hulking Greek mop head, Stavros Niarchos. Mary Kate must taking Ex-lax and tossing back espressos at an alarming rate upon hearing this bomb. Paris has known Stavros "forever!" probably via MK herself. Wasn't it only two days ago when Paris and Paris were engaged to be married? Yup, it was. And now...oh to be young and foolish and in love. Heavy on the foolish.
Madge and Tara
Madonna looks a wee bit drunk. Nice milky white thigh.
Tara Reid is now dating Paris Latsis. And the revolving door of Young Hollywood makes another rotation.
Madge and Tara Reid...I never noticed the resemblance before but it's quite obvious now. The expressions on their faces, the knee grab and the flat hair indicate these two are twins, twins I tell you! Or mother and daughter.
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