Wednesday
Boohooo. Poor pouty Jessica is so sad!! Papa Joe is working hard to portray big bad Nick as a wife beater and cheater. Jessica is playing the part of the distraught wife. She should go smell her Dessert cosmetics and take in the cupcakey scent of her body lotion. And there is nothing that cheers me up more than some belly button perfume.
Good thing Caca is there to drive Jessica around and comfort her in this time of need. Let's go shopping for $7,000 sheets!
 POP goes the Garner!! Jen's belly has dropped and according to this ob/gyn, she is going to have her chica within the next few weeks. Personally I think Jennifer looks fantastic for being nine months pregnant. The key to a healthy pregnancy? Lots of coffee and second hand smoke! Starbucks: it does a body good!
Random Tuesday stuff
 Thanks to everyone who asked about Lola. She is doing very well. In two weeks she gained five pounds and is biting and chewing on everything. My other dog has been trying to hump Lola's face. In other words, things are just dandy at the Distressed Jeans home. Pam and her jugs. I mean, her bottles of Orangina.  Justin's reaction to Cameron Diaz being chosen to play Maria in the Sound of Music: "Ummmmmm.....?"  Mariah Carey models my holiday dress. What a coincidence!
Simon stays on...
 Prayers have been answered. For those of you who have been dropping to your knees and lighting candles, sitting vigil and fasting, relax. Simon Cowell has signed on to continue playing the villian on American Idol for four more years. And that a'ight dawg. Woop! Woop! I hope Paula signed on too because my favorite game is to guess whether Paula is coked up, high or slurring her speech due to an overdose of Vicodin. I also have fun trying to decifer what the hell she is talking about. Hey, I can make it my own in my upper register too. Simon, he of the man boobs and small hands, has signed a mighty fine deal that will keep him in tight sweaters and cowboy boots, fear not. For just a fraction of the cost of hiring Simon, I would have gladly stepped in and crushed the dreams of talentless singers in a completely passive aggressive manner.
Say hi to your new mommy!
 Jon and Angie, back when they were on speaking terms.  Diana Ross in all her splendor. Only in this crazy celebrity world can Diana Ross and Brad Pitt be related. Well, not exactly but if Angie were to marry Brad, and Jon Voight were to marry Diana Ross, it would be a big family smorgasboard of acting and singing talent with a bit of bloodsucking and tattoo artistry! Diana and Jon have been out together several times and you are welcome to consider them an official couple. If they do get married, I hope Diana invites Michael Jackson to be a bridesmaid! Just keep Maddox far away from Uncle Mikey and his Jesus Juice.
I like BIG BUTTS and I cannot lie...
 Why? Because it made me laugh. Fatter rear ends are causing many drug injections to miss their mark, requiring longer needles to reach buttock muscle, researchers said on Monday. For more on this amazing discovery, click here for the full report. Clenched buttocks while reading, optional.
Stuff
 True or false: The original nickname of Owen Wilson was not The Butterscotch Stallion, but the Ivory Guinea Pig. True or False: Gwyneth will name her son Basil. Meanwhile, I'd like to see Bareback Mountain with Jake Gyllnhlll. 
True or False: You can spell Sunken Tits out of the letters in K i r s t e n D u n s t's name.
True or False: Actres Ellen Pompeo is on the coffee- and- colonic diet. Very popular with the starlets in Hollywood.
Completely unrelated to anything: Rent- see it and I dare you to get the song, Seasons of Love out of your head. 
True or False: Nick Lachey stated that its tough to have a marriage when there is one bitch too many in the house and he wasn't talking about dog Daisy. A marriage made for three? Who's the third wheel, Jessica's father or the ever present "best friend" Cacee Cobb? He also went on to say that their sex life died a quick death after the first year of marriage. And its no shock that Joe Simpson is the puppet master behind Jessica and Ashlee's career and orchestrated the timing of the divorce announcement. Naturally we can expect Jessica to spill her guts on the cover of OK! magazine (for an undisclosed sum of course!). "BEHIND THE BREAKUP: Jessica tells all!" Unless she's going to talk about Johnny Knoxville's sexual technique, I'm not very interested. In fact, even then I'm not interested. Celebrity Blind Date: Jessica Simpon and Brandon Davis. Loves it!
Random
Lindsay Lohan will show those paparazzi guys who's who! Taking a page from hardcore pap hater Cameron Diaz, Lindsay attempts to capture the souls of those evil people who photograph her all the time. Can't a bitch take a walk down the street with her sister?
"Sale at the Scientology center!"
Who are these people and why should we care about them? K. Stew is famous for...um..yeah..contributing to ...um...? And boytoy Talan (yes, I know they are no longer together) is a rich kid from Laguna Beach. Reason for fame? None.
"This jacket used to be tight. Then I went on a diet and look at me now! Jared, the Subway spokesperson OUT, George Clooney, IN." The jacket that swallowed George Clooney. 
"Really, no more photos. Please.
Well, okay...make sure you get my good side and get Zahara's face, let me turn for a better angle!" Brad Pitt: attention whore
Jennifer Garner and Angelina
 Jennifer Garner's skin is going to split open and her baby will crawl out soon. Doesn't she know its tres chic to induce labor 2 weeks before the due date to avoid stretch marks? All Hollywood actresses do it. 
"Please help the poor, the sick, the hungry and those who don't look like me." (although she's looking a bit pale and tired. Must be from all the hot sex she and Brad are having all night long.)
 "Is this baby for sale?"
Happy Thanksgiving
 It had been quite some time since I was invited to dine with Tom Cruise. It was a year ago when he brought me to the Scientology Center just to "drop off some stuff" and before I knew it, I was in a room being measured for my anal microchip and my brain probe. The was the last I saw of Tom. My escape was daring and elaborate, leaving TC to wonder what happened to DistressedJeans? So when I was invited over for Thanksgiving, I was leery. He assured me there would be no "funny business" going on so I agreed to stop by. Everything was fine although the conversation was a bit dry and there was no booze. You know you cannot have a holiday feast without the drinks! I was lucky to have thought ahead and had a flask taped to my upper thigh. I asked where the bathroom was because my laxatives were finally kicking in. Tom instructed me to go down the hall and to the right. I was greeted with brilliant white light blinding my light blue eyes. Before I knew it, Tom had me laying prone on an examination table and my feet were thrust into stirrups. I was like, "This is freaky and quite frankly the strangest bathroom I've ever been in including truck stops and port-a-jons." Tom squirted gel all over my lower half and announced he was going to give me a Thanksgiving ultra sound with the new $150,000 machine he bough to moniter his own alien spawn with Katie Holmes, who by the way, is catatonic. I was filled with fear but Tom's calm and montone voice worked better than a sedative mixed with a shot of whiskey and a cigarette. Before I knew it, I had a transorbital vaginal probe poking my nether regions. There was no way this turkeys cavities were filled with giblets, if you catch my drift, meaning I'm not the one who's pregnant. Plus, even though we are friends and all, Tom shouldn't have been examining my abdomen with a tool that was phallic in size and shape. As soon as I could, I leapt off the table, ignoring his quizzical looks. "Katie lets me do this all the time!" he inisted. I replied, "Katie's a freak, darling. And so are you." And then I ran as fast as I could out of there and knew this one Thanksgiving would really stand out in my memory.
La Isla Hoffnita
 Clearly things are going in my favor these days. First the Nick-Jessica split and now comes the news that has brightened my day like never before. Its as if a magical unicorn has flown into my backyard with a brightly colored rainbow and a basketful of puppies. The infamous David Hasselhoff, he of the red swim trunks and bronzed pecs, is planning to release his version of Madonna’s song, La Isla Bonita! Who else wants to see David in a flamenco skirt and a flower behind his ear? I do! David is quick to point out that he is enjoying unparalleled success in Germany. Schnitzel and Sauerbraten and Hasselhoff! He also says that he helped “reunite the country” with his single, “Looking for Freedom”! Berlin Wall…Hasselhoff...Baywatch, we really are all connected in this vast universe!
Apocolypse Now
 Christina gets married! Now I don't have to worry how to spell her last name. She will go by Christina Jordan now, right?  Dumb and dumber. Another marriage bites the dust! 
White trash coupledom- going strong. Whorin' out the little dude.
As a sure sign of the end of the world, not one but three newsworthy items developed and I had to come out of hiding to talk about it.
First of all, Christina married Jordan in a very elaborate ceremony. I was wondering why he was shrouded in a pashmina until someone pointed out this was a Jewish ceremony. Thank goodness Michael Jackson wasn't invited, he hates Jewish people.
Raining on Christina's OK! magazine cover parade, Britney and Kevin decided to pimp out Sean on this weeks People magazine cover story. We've been waiting for that? I was hoping little Sean would come out of the womb with corn rows or a wife beater, now thats front page news fit for the queen that I am. Too bad Tom Cruise just bought the sonogram machine this week or he would have taken pleasure in giving Britney a transvaginal ultrasound when Sean was nestled in her Cheeto pouch.
Lastly in the battle of Big Celebrity News, was the split of Nick Lachey and Jessica "Ilovemydaddy" Simpson. Now this comes as quite a shock, forcing me to ingest large qualities of Grey Goose and go into a colonic frenzy. Didn't they, just months ago, walk hand in hand during an Italy trip and assure us that everything was "perfect" only to rip away whatever shred of hope their marriage held, on freaking Thanksgiving Day for crying out loud? This proves they have no heart. Why not wait until Christmas Day? Or even better timing, Valentines Day? Or my birthday? The world is a cruel and ugly place, my friends.
Joe Simpson is rapidly firing off a list of money- making schemes that Jessica can squeeze out of this. I see a ballads- only cd, a book on divorce, a line of skin care for stressed out skin and a dog training manual- she still has Daisy right? Girls best friend is her dog. And when will Jessica date Wilmer or Brandon Davis? Its time for a trip on the Young Hollywood Dating circuit! The only thing that would top my Thanksgiving is if Jennifer Garner gave birth to Marc Anthony's baby tonight. Fingers crossed!
BOOKS
 Amazing! Victoria Beckham should spend more time with good books. 
A quick read that will make you laugh out loud. You will guffaw and giggle.
 Nicole Richie loves to read but not eat. 
When she isn't singing or partying, Lindsay Lohan enjoys books on tape!
Miss Meghan is the authority on fashion and trends! She offers insight to the shoes we slip on our pedicured feet. I posted two new interviews this morning. I should be packing for my trip because I leave very soon but I wanted to update my interview site. Many more authors will be appearing there when I return. If you like to read, please spread the word about that blog. And if you don't like to read books- you should try it. I hope to combine light funny books with non-fiction and best- sellers and have something for everyone. Thanks to all who expressed their kind words about ending the blog! You made my day. I will be posting for a few weeks when I return from the glitz and glamour of the east coast. By then Jennifer Garner will have given birth to the Affleck spawn and Kevin Federline will probably be dating Ashlee Simpson! And as for Lola, the parvo dog who hovered on the brink of death, she has made a truly miraculous recovery and is home. Thank you for the well wishes and kind emails! See you later! xo
So long, farewell!
 I'm leaving the celebrity mecca of Southern California to go visit my family and friends on the east coast so I will not be posting for ten days. Are you going to miss me? It's no coincidence that I'll be in the Manhattan area at the same time as certain cough cough movie star. Hmmmmm. Fingers crossed that Angelina decides to adopt me! I'd make such a loveable daughter! Potty training complete and I feed myself, what could be easier? Id like to rename myself as Harley, Harley Jolie. When I get back home, I will be posting and updating for a couple of weeks before Conversations About Famous People is finished for good. So many things to do and famous people to hang out with and only one lifetime to do it in! Don't worry- I will be updating after Thanksgiving before the blog is done! The blog will be online so you can read the archives long after its ended. I want to share a list of blogs that I enjoy. Some of these wonderful people are up- and- coming bloggers who have become friends to me. Check out their work and I'll be back after my whirlwind New York/New Jersey tour is over! The People We Love to Hate RosiedemarioBritboyLaFadedYouthPopbytesJunkfeudJustjaredThecelebrityblogYoung,blackandfabulous
Making Kind Choices
 Last week my Great Dane puppy got very sick. I took Lola to the vet where she was diagnosed with Parvo, a potentially deadly disease. When I arrived home, exhausted and upset, I found Making Kind Choices had arrived at my home. The week before, Ingrid Newkirk, the president of Peta had gotten in touch with me and I'm glad she did. The timing was almost cosmic - I was in a very compassionate mood as I read through the book, thinking of my sickly pup. Over the last few days, I have been impacted by Ingrid's work which encourages us to make unselfish choices and make kinder decisions in the products we use, the clothes we wear and the things we eat. For me personally, it was just the tool I needed to take another step in caring for the environment and animals. Like many people, I do the basics like recycling and donating to the poor, but I always feel there's much more I can do. And Making Kind Choices provided me with ideas and steps to go a little further in my efforts. Never preachy but always kind, Ingrid's book is beautifully written. Everyone could benefit from reading it. You can read our interview by clicking here and then go on to see what you can do to help.
Katie Holmes
 CAPTION ME "And then they took a needle this big and injected the sperm!"
Jessica has a big mouth
She licks! 
She sings!
 She eats awards! I think it's safe to assume that Jessica has an oral fixation or else her jaw is slightly off its hinges and cannot close all the way. She drives me bonkers and not in a good way. Close your mouth Jessica and go home! Somewhere there's a joke about Nick Lachey and the open mouth...I just can't find it. *reader submitted photos
MK and Ashley
  I've heard the comparisons to dwarfs and trolls... The girls clean up pretty well don't they? See what a difference heavy black eyeliner makes? I'm telling you, everyone wants to look like Kelly Osbourne! She's onto something big with that whore-ish makeup application. I have some rice paper blotting sheets in my bag I'd like to offer them for their shiny skin although some people like the dewy look. Mary Kate looks just like Paris with the pursed lips, pastel colored dress and heavy jewelry. Is this her way of trying to win Stavros back? I'm counting the days until she is seen on the arm of Brandon Davis, isn't it their turn to date? And Ashley would look lovely on the arm of Wilmer Valderdiarreha, wouldn't she?
Cameron's beauty
 from the gossiprocks forum: CAMERON DIAZ hopes new movie IN HER SHOES will finally silence critics who believe she only wins roles because of her physical beauty. She says, "After I put on the fright-wig in Being John Malkovich and worked with MARTIN SCORSESE in Gangs Of New York? Well you're always going to get that to an extent if you're a model-turned-actress. Just because I enjoy what I do, doesn't mean I'm not serious about it. I work my butt off. Maybe this movie will finally lay those stories to rest." It's such a burden to be so very beautiful... sigh. Cystic acne and shiny skin- its a cross we must bear, isn't it Cameron? I have no issues with Cameron, actually I love her! We bake cookies and go out for coffee and acne treatments together. Sometimes she even lets me sleep with Justin!But when celebs like her verbally acknowledge their so called good looks, it makes me want to cut out my tongue and serve it to them on alfalfa bread.
Sexiest...crotch shot
 Who knew that Mary Kate... 
...influenced Matthew's fashion choices? Robes are very chic this season! Why are you laughing? 
It's Matthew McConacrotchy...oops. I just can't focus as I'm typing with that big..large..belt buckle staring at me. Matthew is being talked about for People's Sexiest Man Alive honor this year. I certainly hope People doesn't decide to go with Jude Law who is the spokesperson for Swingers International or Tom Cruise who should be nominated for Freakiest Alien Alive. Or George Clooney who is this generations Rock Hudson. Or Jake Gyyllnnnhllll who has Kirsten Dunst cooties. If they put Kevin Federline on the cover I will cancel my subscription.
Its called KARMA
 Paris Hilton let Stavros take over the wheel and look what happened! A car crash a la Lindsay Lohan. What is it about these people, they can't even drive without hitting something. Payback is a bitch, isn't it Stavros? It wasnt too long ago that he offered a homeless man $100 to dump a soda on himself. And now he dents the expensive Bentley owned by Ms. Hilton. I'd like to think Stavros was upset and embarrassed but truthfully he probably just laughed it off. That's Kim Stew in the backseat hiding her face. I'd be ashamed to have dated Joe Francis and would hide my face when cameras were around too. For a first hand account of the fender bender, go here to read the blow by blow. Pardon the pun! (Well, we are talking about Paris!)Remember how I mentioned Kim and Ryan Cabrerra dating next? Well they were together recently having dinner, just as I predicted. And K. Fed and Ashlee Simpson spent the evening dirty dancing at a club last week, I smell a hookup! I read these tidbits in Star magazine, you know- the beacon of celebrity truth.
We gots the red lipstick and the bling bling
 Where's Cameron Diaz going, all dressed up with her red lipstick and full face makeup? 
I thought so.
Don't be ashamed, Cam! Be sure to tell K. Fed I said hello. He always attends the Pimp n' Ho parties.
photo of Cam: JJB
Tom fires his sister
 Tom Cruise fired his sister after only 20 months on the job. Lee Anne DeVette acted as Toms PR person and tried her best to keep Tom looking sane. She had the difficult and stressful job of dealing with his “romance” with Katie Holmes and Tom’s odd behavior. Rumor has it that she has checked into a hospital to get mental assistance. But not antipressents! Tom would never allow her to swallow a Paxil or a Prozac. Tom hired Paul Bloch who represents fellow Scietologist John Travolta. Its no coincidence that he also reps David and Victoria Beckham. And is Paul a Xenu follower as well? Hmmmmm. And after his sister goes on a fourteen day L. Ron Hubbard bootcamp, she will oversee Tom’s charity work such as children's issues, mentoring and other Scientology reforms. In other words. She will be recruiting on behalf on Xenu.
Paris in Maxim
 The untouched photo you will not find in Maxim: crabs scuttling out from Paris' private parts. The art department was under strict orders to airbrush them out for the magazine but I obtained a rare picture for your viewing enjoyment. Luckily we won't get to see the scabbing and pus.
Jen on the beach- again
 How can Jen kiss Vince when those nose hairs are peeking out from his nostrils? "Dave, I'm a crier. And I spend five hundred dollars per highlight for my hair. But check out my skinny arms and legs!" 
Jen on the beach, photo #667
"What do you mean you don't want to get married? Don't you know? Its the Race to the Alter 2005! I must win!"
 "So...you wanna keep walking on the beach and we can watch the sun set?" I don't believe the rumors. I keep reading that Jen and Vince are engaged and I just don't buy it. Would Jen really rush into marriage after her divorce was final only one month ago? Why is it that celebrities are afraid to be single? It's okay to be alone! Vince, up until a few months ago, loved being single and playing the field. Jennifer knows how to cast a spell on her men, just like J. Lo who is rumored to have a magic cooch. How else can she marry all those guys? Brad and Angelina are thinking of a Thanksgiving day wedding which works with my schedule, Ill be around! Brad wants to have a biological child with Angie who wants to continue adopting needy children around the world, like this thirty- three year old who lives in southern California and needs a first class trip to Europe. I also need some new $7000 sheets and a private jet. So, what do you think Angie? Just don't ask me to babysit Maddox and Zahara. Oh, and I will not call Brad Daddy. *photos from JustJared (always awesome photos), RosiedeMario (best new blog) and JJB (everyone gets pictures from here!)
Jude and Sienna and Sadie
Jude and Sadie with their kids
 Jude looking constipated and bloated. Whats with the constant scarf around his neck? It must be a fetish thing. Jude Law is getting back together with his ex-wife, Sadie Frost. The timing is excellent because Kate Moss just got out of rehab and the three can enjoy more drunken orgies! Sadie and Jude are trying to mend their relationship for the sake of their three children. Says Sadie, "My relationship with Jude is the first priority for me. I'm spending all my time with Jude—I can't do anything else." She didnt say anything about the new nanny she hired but I'm guessing she is fiftyish with hairs growing out of her ears. But you know what? The lovely thing about Jude is that he doesn't discriminate. Every female is fair play. Meanwhile, Jude and Sienna have come up with a fantastic way to still be friends- who sleep together! The two decided they would be casual with each other, meaning they will still date but also sleep around. This means they can have unlimited sex with countless partners but still hang out together! And Sadie is cool with that as long as Sienna promises to also sleep with her.
Kim and Joe break up
 This is Paris Hilton's loyal best bud
 This is Joe Francis, pig galore If you've been scratching your head wondering how Kim Stewart could have broken up with such a fine specimen as Joe Francis, the brains cough cough, behind the drunken college girl frenzy caught on tape, *Girls Gone Wild, I'm going to give you the dirt. Sleazy Joe did something unforgivable- he invited Paris Hilton and her big Greek boyfriend to his beach home and then called the paparazzi so they could take nasty photos of the two of them getting frisky in the sand. He may have planted hidden cameras in his home to catch their indoor activities too. I think he is trying to sell his "Celebs Gone Wild" videos via the internet. Available soon! This isn’t the first time pervert Joe has done something this low and nasty. “Kimberly said that Joe always does this. He invites people to his island and then rats them out to the paparazzi.” If Joe should invite you to his beach estate, consider yourself warned. I guess it's Kim's turn to date Wilmer Vladerbanana or Ryan Cabrerra. Next! *Brad Pitt is a huge fan of the video series.
Lohan news
 Lindsay Lohan wants to go back to school just like those Olsen twins- wait, didn’t one of them drop out? She wants to enroll at New York University because she is inspired by reruns of the tv show, Felicity. Keri Russell made going to college look like so much fun, didn’t she? Lindsay cant wait to meet Ben and Noel! Lindsay feels that by living in New York city, she can easily access both Los Angeles and London. She consulted her Fodors guide and a map, then based her decision geographically. Its such a long flight to Europe from Los Angeles! Thats why NYC is the better place to live. Like, duh! In other Lohan news, Lindsay agreed to grace Victoria's Secret with her presence at the launch of their new Mood candles, but her terms were as follows: Victoria’s Secrets must ship her free bras in size 34C, and several candles. And after the loot was sent, she didn’t show up. And lastly, I want to know how Lindsay feels with her brown hair as opposed to blonde? "I feel a bit classier with this hair. It's a nice change. I like to try new things."
Kate Moss
 Kate Moss Stay away from the drugs and stay out of the sun.
Random photos
 Cameron and Toni at another In Her Shoes event. 
Ashlee goes shopping but cannot walk without cameras in her face. Remind me why she is interesting?
Matthew McConaghoogy wearing..a..robe? Looks like he just rolled out of bed and wrapped himself in a sheet. Or maybe he was doing the naked bongo thing again? yeah, lets go with that visual! Meanwhile, Penelope Cruz laughs at photos of a pregnant Katie Holmes.
Madonna takes Lourdes to Harry Potter
 Madonna takes her daughter Lourdes to the Harry Potter Goblet of Fire movie premiere. It must be a special day for Lourdes since she isn't even permitted to watch "Barney" on television at home. And now she goes to a PG-13 movie about wizards and fantasy with frightening creatures and violence? Let's see what Sharon Osbourne has to say about Madge/Esther, shall we? "It's like dressing up with her. One day you're in f**king gun gear, then your're in horse gear, then you dress like a f**king dyke, then you dress like a hooker, then you're in a flowery dress reading kids' poetry looking like a f**king librarian - then you're back to looking like an old hooker again. You can't be all those things and true to yourself. I don't care who you are."
Hat fever - catch it!
Pete wears a hat, wonder what he keeps under there?  K. Feddy rocks the fedora, yo
Sienna Miller wears a hat
Colin Farell and his fedora
 Ashlee Simpson gets in on the hat action too
Kate Hudson SUES
 Remember that horrible photo of Kate Hudson looking like a cracked out hobo? That very photo ended up being published in tabloids around the world, indicating that she was unstable and had eating issues. Now Kate is on a rampage to sue everyone and their brother, proving that she doesn’t have an eating disorder and was not in serious danger due to her weight loss. Kate's lawyers indicated that the photos are very damaging and could cost Kate future movie roles. Basically if people think she has an eating disorder, it could “raise concern” among casting agents. British magazines Heat and Daily mail are being sued, and the National Enquirer will be served as well. But ..nothing about her alleged drug use? You know, smoking weed is very acceptable and most everyone in show biz smokes it. Most everyone does coke too, just ask Kate Moss. Kate will argue in the courts and fight about the articles being untrue and misleading, giving a false impression that she was gravely ill when in fact she was not. But it sure looked like it.
Jen and Britney out in LA
 "No, its decaf! Really!"
Its no secret that Ben and Jen's baby will be named Venti Violet Affleck.
In an effort to spice up her marriage, Britney heads to the mall and picks up a few items from Victoria's Secret. All she needs to do is lay naked on the bed with a lottery ticket in one hand, a beef jerky in the other and a Marlboro between her lips.
Nice pants, I love the way they drag on the ground and collect dirt and grime! Britney doesn't mind a little filth, just look at her husband. *photos credit: JJB*
Tom and Katie
 Tom cleans the human germs off Katie's hand with his invisible Xenu approved antibacterial wipes. 
Now they can hold hands. Why is her hair wet? Why is her shirt so big?
 " Psst, I'm gay!"
That's Tom acting like a third grade girl telling secrets through a cupped hand, speaking in a whisper. But only after Katie pinky promises not to tell! I bet Tom tips off the photographers when his daughter has a soccer game. Does he have a movie coming out or something? Katie is retiring from film because Tom said she must or she is in violation of their "agreement" and she will not be eligible for her multi-million dollar payout at the end of five years.
Confess it to Paris!
 Now you can confess your inner heiress secrets to best selling author, Paris Hilton. I hear Victoria Beckham has already pre-ordered this book! If you are anything like Paris, you begin each day with a Clorox douche. Underpants are optional but a birth control patch on your buttocks is a must! Paris explains how she fills her day, starting each morning with directions to her personal maid on how she wants her breakfast (chocolate croissant and ex-lax!) and surfing the net looking for single Greek billionaires at Match.com. She goes on to indicate that her days are so busy with shopping and dates and dirty sex and drunken parties and blow. Its fun to do nothing! Paris is also mega busy with buying clothes and doing tv appearences, making notes for her new album and thinking about ideas for hairstyles and makeup application. Then she must make time to think about her hopes and dreams and party planning. If you buy this book, you can make your own shopping lists and you are welcome to scribble your ideas for the ultimate heiress party and your heiress Academy awards acceptance speech. Paris also wants you to write about hot guys and rich guys and spill the secrets of your own fabulous life to her via this book! Like, oh my GAH! This book is a must have if you are running out of brain cells and your life's value is all about the superficial.
The Girls Guide to Hunting and Fishing
  If Alec Baldwin can keep his personal life out of business and doesn't end up in anger management classes, he will star along side Sarah Michelle Geller in the movie adaptation of Melissa Bank's novel, The Girls Guide to Hunting and Fishing.
 K. Feddy goes out to party while Shar Jackson writes songs about him.  Pretty much everyone and their sister thinks they can make an album. Like K. Fed and Ashlee Simpson before her, Shar Jackson is convinced she can carry a tune and will be making her debut album in 2006! Yes, but can she write prolific lyrics like K. Feddy? That remains to be seen and heard. In the meantime, Shar says about Britney stealing Kevin while she was pregnant with Kaleb, "How do you call yourself a human being knowing that you put somebody else through that pain?That's a vicious cycle right there, man. We gotta break that." What I hear her saying is that she is going to break Kevin and Britney up which won't be too hard to do because if you got your weekly dose of tabloid gossip, you know that Britney is on the verge of kicking Kevin's saggy, lazy ass out the door. Good thing he's got that $2 million from selling off their wedding photos.
Sarah Jessica
 Knitting is hot!  Sarah with mud colored brown hair, NO  Sarah with blonde hair, hell yes! If I was starring in a movie and I was required to dye my golden locks a hideous dank mud colored brown, I would ask for a wig. But being the fine actress she is, Sarah went ahead and let the colorist dye her hair a dull hue and makes the best of it by knitting herself into a frenzy. There is nothing prettier than a shiny auburn or a lovely chestnut. Dont get me wrong, I love blondes and brunettes and redheads equally. However, Sarah Jessica's hair is plain and unflattering. With that being said, she should totally request a mullet.
Gwyneth
  What made me think Gwyneth was a natural beauty? I was so wrong! Thanks to Jen for the photos! Gwyn looks like model Maggie Rizer in the recent photo.
Random
 Tara Reid says she is giving up alcohol and partying. Yeah, right! 
Nicky Hilton was invited to Nicole Richie's wedding which makes Paris livid!
Mandy Moore dyed her hair dark brown, just like Lindsay Lohan.
Rachel McAdams may be dating Ryan Gosling but she keeps a girlfriend in Toronto for when she's in town. Wait a minute, thats no girlfriend! I was just told that its her SISTER.
Hilary Duff promises not to get married too young.
Angelina just removed her Billy Bob tattoo and said she will never get a guys name inked on her body again. Meanwhile she and Brad are hammering out the pre-nup and figuring out how they would share custody of Maddox and Zahara in the event of a divorce. Do I detect wedding plans in the air? photos: JJB, Gossiprocks and Saving Face
Kate asks Pete to get help and he says, "Bloody hell no, woman!"
  Kate Moss is trying to get Pete Doherty into rehab. Of course she doesn’t want to be tempted by his cocaine/crack/crystal meth again and thinks her ex-boyfriend should get help for his addiction before he ends up laying in a gutter somewhere with his hair matted to his head and his tongue rolling around in the back of his throat. I'm just saying…not that it would happen. Or hasn’t happened already. Just look at him! The Meadows Clinic is a lovely place to overcome your addictions and Kate would like nothing more than to have Pete sober up and not look like he is hovering on deaths doorstep. How about it, Pete? No? I think we can add him to Death Watch: 2006.
Factory Girl
  Lindsay Lohan knocked out Mary Kate Olsen for the role of Brigid Berlin (described as an overweight troublemaker) in Factory Girl. You know this film already stars Sienna Miller who is back to taking a ride on the Jude Law shlongmobile. Won't she ever learn? Im disappointed in Sienna. Remind me to send her a copy of "Women Who Love Men Who Cheat." Lindsay did such a great job at her audition that the producers decided to sign her to the film instead of frail little Mary Kate. Probably because Lindsay was willing to gain weight for the role and Mary Kate recoiled in fear when the issue was brought up. Linsday is willing to get new implants and plump up her lips for the role. Such a hardcore method actress, that one. Brigid was a large girl acknowledged for her photography and also known for her obsessive compulsive disorder. Click here to see photos and read more.
Where in the world is Nick Lachey?
"Ashlee did wha? At McDougals?" Where's Nick? While Jessica Simpson is traveling around Africa trying to make children prettier by whitening their teeth, Nick is nowhere to be found. In fact, even Jessica has no idea where he is. She doesn't care too much though, she's with her "best friend" and "assistant" Cacee, and her father is of course, along for the trip. Meanwhile, Ashlee is snorting Ajax and asking people to lick the bottom of her shoe.
Diddy busts a rib
 Jennifer Love Hewitt's Halloween costume 2006. Why is Puff Diddy trying to remove Shar Jackson from the premises?
Diddy breaks a sweat while getting jiggy with Janet Jackson.
His workout now includes trying lift heavyset women.
Getting Diddy wif it.
Diddy attempts to do the pufflich manuever.
Feel free to add your own comments and captions.
Be happy Nicole!
Nicole, cheer up! 
Tom and Kate are part of the Celebrity Alien Domination Group  An Osbourne make-over will make you feel better! Nicole Kidman was so upset over Tom and Katies ecstatic joy, happiness and baby making that she threw herself into the pits of despair and could not stop shedding tears. Nicole is so depressed because Katie is carrying Toms child. Although Katie may have bought sperm off ebay. If the baby comes out looking like Vincent Gallo then we know the truth. Nicole was so distressed that she went on a shopping spree and even spending thousands upon thousands of dollars didn't put a smile on her tightly pulled and botoxed face! A shot of collagen didn't help either. I think she should take immense comfort in the fact that Tom and Katie's newborn will be a snaggletoothed alien and will probably have green skin and lobster claws for hands. She should also feel good about having white, straight teeth- her orthadontia is ten times better than Tom and Katie's. I took it upon myself to brighten Nicole's day and I did a little Kelly Osbourne makeover magic on her. I think she is very happy with the outcome.
Madonna looks amazing
Do I need to fall off a horse and take up Kabbalah in order to have the body of a 46 year old woman?
Her toned thighs make me weep. Dear Madonna, Thanks for making me feel fat. Love, Distressed
Kirsten wears sweats and Jake is gay?
 Is Orlando pining for Kirsten Dunst? Say it ain't so! I thought Kate Bosworth was bearding for Orlando. 
Kirsten not wearing sweats!
Kirsten wearing sweats.
Kirsten wearing sweats in public. 
Return of the coat. Good to see she wears her clothes more than once.
Jake, are you bisexual? I've heard the rumors. From Ted Casablanca: Now what you might not realize is that Toothy Tile and his boyfriend have their own share of Jude Law-and-Sadie Frost-style drama. They were on for forevah. Then they broke up. And now, phew, they're on! (And Toothy's public "girlfriend" is fadin' into the background fast.) But here's the (big) prob: Everyone loves a good drama. And some people couldn't give a Simpson's ass about Nick and Jessica. These folks--all fancy, rich and A-list, mind you--like dishin' on Toothy and his b-f instead. Where have they been having sex in their butch automobiles lately? Jeez. Their li'l relationship is like the cocktail fodder at WeHo's most elite, gay gatherings. And its not: Rob Thomas, Scott Speedman or Joaquin Phoenix.
Jen is liberated!
 Jennifer Aniston, whose movie Derailed is getting crappy reviews, says that filming sex scenes with juicy hunk Clive Owen helped her to be more sexual. She enjoyed the rough and wild sex, it was very liberating! "I am being a more sexual creature, and I haven't been able to do that." She noted. Jen left out the part about Brad having a small penis and not being very good in bed but the meaning of her words is quite obvious to those of us who have studied psychology. Like you, me and Jessica Simpson. Filming back to back to back to back movies also helped in the healing of Jen's blistered and battered heart. So basically, next time I experience emotional distress, you can expect to find me filming tons of movies. "Movies I've been part of lately have reflected something that's happening in my life," Jen goes on to say. "I had lots of years where I got boxed in as a character who couldn't find a man." Meaning, she felt stifled in her relationship with that Pitt guy.
When celebs get old
 Meg...Goldie...Holy shit! Meg Ryan obviously underwent surgery to create sharp jutting cheek bones and plumpish lips while Goldie elects to resemble a hardened trailer park resident with greasy hair and leathery skin. Is it true that Meg has been involved in a lesbian relationship with her hairstylist, Sally Hirschberger for the last ten years? 
When did Melanie Griffith get striken with Bells Palsy?
I ask this because she cannot move one side of her face.
Look at the three photos and check out the immobilization of her lips and cheek.
Do you ever practice making faces like this in the mirror?
 Nope, me neither.
Six degrees of Paris Hilton
 photo: junkfeud Here we have Paris friend, part- time model, full- time party girl Caroline D'Amore with shit in her teeth. Which leads me to.... 
...Caroline hanging with Kimmy Stewart who is wearing butt ugly sweater- boots looking pale and hungover. K. Stew is a big fan of...
..Paris Hilton who looks extra anorexic. Stavros loves the skinny girls! Note the muff trimmed shoes. Looking at Paris brings me to...
...Backstreet Bozo, Nick Carter. He is the least coordinated of the boy band geeks. Nick likes the skanky ho's and is reportedly dating...
...Bai Ling. Here she wears her Nanook of the North boots and a furry shrug from the J. Lo Collection. Have you heard Bai Ling sing? She makes Kevin Federline sound like Pavarotti, har har. You see, in Hollywood everyone is connected via the Hilton sisters. Yes, Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon was fun to play in the early 90's but now its all about Paris Hilton. I know a guy who knows Lionel Richie who obviously knows his daughter, Nicole and Nicole used to be freinds with Paris. And there you go. My connection to Miss Hilton. Related topic: I wonder who this is about? NYPost: "WHICH splintered celebrity duo's friendship ended when one of them told the other's parents that her friend had a serious drug problem and needed help? When the concerned parents asked their daughter if it was true, she lied and claimed that her well-meaning best buddy was the one who was abusing drugs. The folks then ordered their darling daughter never to hang out with the friend again. The friend, infuriated by the betrayal, continues to seethe about it to this day."
Ashlee Simpson
 By now you have probably seen the video of Ashlee Simpson in McDonalds ( click here) acting like a drugged out wackjob with bad hair, asking to see the manager of McDonalds and telling a customer to lick her shoe. Ashlee actually crawled up onto the counter (I hope they sanitized after she jumped down) and then trips over her own feet as she's leaving the fast food joint. Even at my most drunk, while I was dancing half naked in a cage at a gay bar- I never reached the level of embarassing behavior that Ashlee did. I don't think this kind of publicity will boost album sales, do you? And I think we can expect the E! True Hollywood Story: Behind Ashlees Addiction, coming soon. You would never see Hilary Duff get coked up and stumble around. When asked to comment on her sisters behavior, Jessica opened her mouth and said, "Oh my GAH!"
Nicole deep- throats a corndog
Nicole Richie eats a corndog: Caption me! I
The magic rhino crayon!
 Before the work of Dr. Distressed's magic crayon  After the magic crayon
While I personally applaud Ashlee Simpson for not shaving the cartilage off her nose ( in part due to her fathers insistant urging Jessica to take a knife to her face and ignoring Ashlee) I thought it would be interesting to see what she would look like after a touch of rhinoplasty and chin work.
I've come to the conclusion that if she lost the hairnet, there would be a big improvement to be seen. As for the nose- from what I hear she's been sniffing coke faster than Jude Law having sex at a nanny convention, so her nose may collapse a la Donnatella Versace and give her an entirely new look very soon.
K. Feddy
 "Go ahead and say whatcha wanna/I'm gonna sell about 2 mil, oh, then I'm a goner ...(does he mean he will leave Britney when he sells 2 million records?) I know you all wish you was in my position/Cause I keep gettin' in situations that you wish you was in, cousin ...(What situations? Does he think I wish my card was declined at the ATM?) Steppin' in this game and y'all ain't got a clue ...(Game? Clue? Was it Colonel Mustard in the conservatory with a revolver?) Getting anxious? Go take a peep/ I'm starrin' in your magazines now every day and week ...(I am a little anxious. Do you have a Xanax for me?) But maybe baby you can wait and see/ Until then all these Pavarottis followin' me."(You know who Pavarotti is? **I was just imformed that K. Fed meant "paparazzi's"**) Kevin went into the studio and did a little freestylin' which is a bit like stream of consciousness ramblings. That takes talent you know. His sound has been likened to Kanye West- wait- no, it was Vanilla Ice he was compared to. A really bad Vanilla Ice impersonation. What did we expect, that K. Feddy would be the next Eminem? Wait wait. I think I can help K. Fed. Dear Kevin, Please include the following words and phrases in your next song. Sure to be a smash hit! Dont forget to send my 10%! Skidmarkz Gravy train Easy Street Mama is a meal ticket My sperm is dope Pabst Blue Ribbon is my flava Tara Reid is my next wife, yo! Crotch rocket Playstation2 rocks ATM is crap! Cornrows are the new mullet! Ill email you later with more. Holla! xo Distressed
Jen Love Hugetits
  I think its really cruel of Jennifer Love Hewitt to dress up like a Kirstie Alley pre-Jenny Craig and call it a costume! In other Jennifer Love news, she is going to play a hooker/ housewife in a movie. Seriously, I can't think of a better combination of careers. You're already home and the hours are flexible. The pay is good and you don't need a work wardrobe. After she shoots the movie, Jen will star in a series called the Slut Whisperer. . . shhhh, Paris? Paris?
Simpson girls
 Before they were famous, Ashlee and Jessica. I'm thinking there is another sister named Tiffani locked in a basement somewhere.  Airbrushing much? Are you eagerly anticipating this months issue of Teen People? Because those Simpson girls are on the cover with an article inside! Wheee! How, like, totally fun! Ashlee refuses to have her hair done and likes it severly pulled back from her face along with harsh eyeliner. And Jessica, she is going to therapy. Probably needs to examine her relationship with her father rather than her crumbling marriage to Nick who has already moved on. I keep staring at the early photo of the two and cannot decide if they have had plastic surgery or a good photoshop professional that makes them look so flawless? I want to see zits and dark roots and undereye circles. Then I want the scoop on why Jessica isnt filing for divorce yet and the real reason their mom looks just like Lynne Spears. Are they related?
Oye vey. Its Tom again
 I. Am. A. Freak.  John and Kelly prove Scientology is FUN! They allow dancing!
Tom and Katie recently enjoyed a charity dinner at Scienfreakology’s English headquarters. The soiree cost $350 a plate and for that price I want a butler to feed me and then wipe me when I go to the bathroom. Although for Tom Cruise, the money is a mere drop in the bucket when you consider all that Xenu gives him.
Singer Isaac Hayes performed and called Tom and Katie up on stage to sing “Mustang Sally” and “Old Time Rock and Roll.” Apparently the guests were laughing and having a great time until the spaceship landed on the back lawn and little green men with big bug eyes invaded the party and insisted everyone sing, “They’re Coming to Take Me Away!” At that point, everyone started dancing and the party really got crazy. Who knew aliens were such hard partiers? Tom accepted an award for his dedication to Scientology which was a golden bust of L. Ron Hubbard. How great for Tom. He and Katie can put in on their mantel after they get married and move in together along with Jessica, Katie's personal "handler." No wedding date has been set which is fine by me because I seriously doubt I will be receiving an invitation. For some reason and I don’t know why, Tom doesn’t care for my company. Is it my steadfast refusal to become “one of them” or my eye rolling when he speaks of being “clear” with his “thetans”? Either way I suspect Katie is 100% brainwashed and she confided that she plans to name the child Thomas Elron if it’s a boy. If its a girl, she loves the name Xena.
Posh
 Victoria Beckham- I like to call her Vicky, has been voted Most Fake Celebrity in a poll taken by Pro Sun. “Brits find Posh the most phony star,” according to the survey. The poll was only conducted in England because over here the votes might have gone towards Paris Hilton with her hair extensions and blue contacts. Who would you vote for? I have no idea why people consider Posh to be phony- with her tightly pulled skin and her spray- on tan, softball breasts, and perpetually pursed lips and rhinoplastied nose, there is a lot of natural beauty in that package. In her interview with Elle magazine, Posh says her favorite album is The Emancipation of Mimi (although she isnt usually a Mariah fan) and her favorite movie of 2005 was Herbie: Fully Loaded. Posh is clearly very deep and enjoys the films which you think about for days after viewing. Although I do prefer the Don Knotts version of Herbie which made me the woman I am today.
KATE MOSS
 Vanity Fair put Kate Moss on their cover to celebrate her stint in rehab and give her a forum to discuss her personal issues. I hope they asked the questions I need to know: What do you see in Pete Doherty with his swollen red eyes and vomit encrusted shirts? Have you ever seen him not completely wasted? Can he maintain an erection? VF gives Kate a full eleven pages. Page after page of Kate Moss! Even though she was fired from several high profile spokesmodel jobs, she has lots of work taking her New York and Paris during the next month. I hope she can still stop by for my annual Thanksgiving day party. Last year things got a little crazy when she tried to snort the baking soda while I made pie but this year I can expect good behavior, after all, she just completed one month of therapy for a twelve year old addiction. Although some may see this as a downfall and Vanity Fair asks if she can come back, I see it as a great opportunity for a book deal, a movie of the week, exclusive interviews and a guest hosting spot on Regis & Kelly!
What is the B for?
 Here is the new album, the money maker to help Britney pay her bills. And after K. Fed's music was leaked all over the internet, I don't think she can count on him to pull in some cash. One question though- who is Britney B. Spears?
Do you need a reason not to like him?
 I just read on Page Six that after Stavros Niarchos got wasted at the LA club Element, he and his friends got hunger pangs and headed to Burger King. Why not In N’ Out Burger, I don’t know. Nothing tastes as good as a Double Double. There's one reason not to like Stavros. Here’s another: "Stavros offered a homeless man outside $100 to dump a soda on himself. The desperate bum took the payout and everyone laughed," reports a source to US Weekly. Obviously Stavros is really deep, an introspective kind of guy who treats everyone with a quiet respect. Gee, for $200 maybe you could have offered to pee on the bum. Disgusting! I don't care how wealthy that guy is, I wouldn't touch him with a ten foot diamond studded pole.
Cam insists on Justin for Shrek 3
 I just love those Shrek movies. In fact, I cannot wait for Shrek 3. Sarah Jessica Parker will lend her voice to the movie and of course Cameron will be back as Princess Fiona. Cameron was rather insistant on her boy toy Justin having a major role in the film and quite honestly... he sucks. And there is nothing the casting people can do about it because Cameron is such an important part of the movie, they cannot afford to lose her. But Justin not good with the voice- over work. You really need to see him act in order to appreciate his talents. What's going to happen next? If Cameron has her way, Justin will continue to work on the movie and we can expect Jesse Metcalf to go into the studio and redo all the work Justin did- without telling Cameron.
Chloe speaks out
 I don’t know why Chloe Sevigny is commenting on Renee and Kenny when she herself slept with ebay sperm seller, Vincent Gallo, but I guess everyone can have an opinion. And you know what? Celebrities just love gossip regarding other celebrities. Chloe is positively outraged by Renee’s brief marriage to Kenny Chesney and thinks the flippant attitude towards marriage sets a horrible example. Chloe is revolted by Renee! While I’m disgusted at Kenny’s very tight Wranglers, Renee doesn’t bother me too much. In a newsworthy quote, Chloe said, “That's one of the things I hate about celebrities in America, this lack of respect for the institution of marriage. You know - Renee Zellweger, she's married for like, 30 days? I mean, come on! I just get really angry." I'd really like to know what Chloe thinks of Britney Spears marriage to K. Feddy, and whose side she is on in the whole Team Aniston vs. Team Jolie debate. Chloe Sevigny should speak out more often.
30 seconds to Lohan
 K. Fed isn't the only one who can rock the cornrows!  La Lohan is such a vixen! Lindsay Lohan and Jared Leto are ready to go public with their romance. I'm so glad I don't have to keep this secret any longer. To be honest, I thought it was common knowledge but I suppose not. Since the trend in Celebrityland is blending two last names, I suggest Loleto. Although nothing will ever beat Chesweger. Jared is the very guy that Scarlett Johansson hinted was too involved with his heroin addiction. Apparently Linds doesn't mind a little recreational drug usage. She's cool like that. Just ask her mom, Dina who was heard sniffling and gasping in a bathroom stall in NYC after frantically rifling through her purse. If you will go back into your memory bank and pull up the file on Camaron Diaz, you will see that Cam and Jared dated for four years. More recently, wasn't Jared linked to an Olsen sister?
Bobby Trendy
 photo: justjared In case you needed to rid yourself of the days calories, the above photo of gay gay GAY Bobby Trendy might help upset your tummy. Bobby waxes his entire body right down to the hair on his big toe. His armpits are hair- free too, and of course he gets his brows done. What was most shocking upon viewing this photo is how pale Bobby is, check out those little chicken legs. There is something very disturbing about this picture.
FYI
I was invited to write about the bag I carry for The Bag Blog. You can read about it and see a nice photo of my arm and my purse by clicking here. Thanks to Sara for inviting me to guest blog!
Sienna
Is Sienna really dating Ethan Hawke? "Single white female seeks hygiene impaired actor with bad teeth and razor stubble." 
Sienna's fashion inspiration is mime-meets- Oliver Twist. If I wore this, my friends would point and laugh and make fun of me for days. If the new trend is spandex-lycra blended leggings and UGGs then count me out.
Meanwhile Jude Law is trying to get back together with ex- wife Sadie Frost because Sadie is totally cool with threesomes and swinging and drugs and sex parties with coke addicted, strung- out models. I hear Jude also likes men. Is this true? Tell me. I must know.
Lindsay
What is this? A Firewhore. You should see what she can do with a hose. 
But she cleans up very nicely. Lindsay, that mustardy baby poop colored dress is smashing on you darling! I'm beyond thrilled that your hair is no longer looking like white cotton candy.
Everyone hates Paris!
 With such a disguise, this may or may not be an Olsen twin.  Please, no pictures today! I haven't taken my daily coffee enema, I'm bloated. Oh how I would love a smackdown between Mary Kate and Paris Hilton. I think Paris could totally kick MK's scrawny buttocks. I peg Mary Kate as a hair puller. Why would the two be fighting? Because Paris is flaunting her budding relationship with Mary Kate's ex, Stavros. You will recall the two canoodling all over the beach and Stavros was sporting an obvious boner in his swim trunks. Mary was seething when she saw the pictures. Oh, I made that part up about the boner. But the skinny Olsen crack addict was livid over the pictures. Mary Kate isn't the only one who wishes angry red acne and lumpy cellulite on Paris. Other Paris haters include the following: Shannen Doherty, Nicole Richie, Hilary Duff and then by default, Haylie Duff as well as Ashley Olsen and Mischa Barton along with the cast and crew of The OC. Ryan Seacrest, Valentino and Nicolette Sheridan have all commented on the vulgar trashiness of Paris.
Johnny to play Ozzie
 Johnny Depp is talking to his peeps about portraying Ozzie Osbourne in a movie about Ozzie's life. It's not a done deal but if Sharon Osbourne has her way, Johnny will transform himself into the bat biting Black Sabbath frontman. 
But, hmmmm. Who could possibly have the acting chops needed to play Kelly? 
My vote goes to Dakota Fanning. With a black wig and red lipstick, she is a dead ringer for Kelly!
Mmore random stuff
I don't get the costumes...heroin addict ballerinas? 
Nope, still not getting it. Haylie...nevermind.  A riddle:
If Ashlee Simpson has friends, why don't they care enough to tell her the hairnet must go? An answer: Because by looking bad, she makes them look good!
Madonna has gone on record stating she understands Tom Cruise and his Scientology garbage. And damn it, Madonna has feelings too! She knows all about being made fun of for following a religion that the mainstream public does not understand. She said something like, "Those of us who chose to follow a cult-like religion must stick together like English roses." In all fairness I don't put Kabbalah in the same category as Xenu lovers. Why? Because its not based on a green alien who invaded Hawaii. Or a guy who was trying to make a few quick dollars. Says L. Ron Hubbard from the grave, "There is no money in religion. But science! A-ha! Now thats a real money maker."
ACCESS DENIED
Poor Kevin Federline! Access to the bank account was DENIED not only at the ATM but also when he tried to pay for a video rental at Blockbuster! He was totally upset because he couldn't rent Porky's Revenge. When he went to withdraw the cash, he got frustrated because the damn machine wouldnt let him get $100. After his spending splurge at Ed Hardys in Santa Monica the other day, Lynne Spears told Britney she better limit Kevin's spending or else they won't be able to pay the mortgage on their enormous estate. Not only that, but how will they afford the staff they keep to run the house and take care of baby Sean?
Costumes Part 2
 I know this isn't a costume per se, but what's with the tissue paper crumpled up and affixed to her head? Is that what passes as fashionable head wear this season where Eva is from? In other news, Eva would like to move back to Texas, hunt deer and pop out of few kids within the next couple of years. Haylie Duff is supposed to be Dick Van Dyke as Wonder Woman, right? But who is Hilary supposed to be?  Shake your tailfeather! And your g-string! And your garter! Im trying to figure out what she is but all I can come up with is a hooker..?
And this is different than how Paris usually dresses....how? I hate to be a spoilsport but I must point out the bra top is rather ill fitting. Lap dances, $25.  What a coincidence! Amanda Lepore and I wore the exact same Halloween costume this year!
Nicolette on Paris-
 Nicolette Sheridan thinks Paris Hilton is a nasty girl with genital herpes. She also feels Paris should be doused in oil and then deep fried to a golden crisp and served up on a big platter with an apple in her mouth like a roasted pig. Actually, what Nicolette said is this: "...look at that commercial Paris did... I found it dirty. I'm not a prude, but I didn't like it. It was tacky and classless. If you had a small child, you'd be much more offended by that commercial than the one I did. Let's fry Paris Hilton, shall we?"
Random
Ricky Martin met interior designer cutie pie Nate Berkus on Oprah last year. And guess what? The two are happily dating. Ricky, come out of the closet and be proud.
When will these two give up already? Joe Simpson is pulling the strings and Jessica and Nick are dancing like Pinocchio. Nick has already moved on. To Jessica Biel.
Fame is a bitch. That's why spoiled, pampered celebs have nannies. How on earth do you expect Denise Richards to care for two children at one time? Impossible!
Nanny is behind Denise, carrying the diaper bag, ready at a moments notice to take over. You know, I've actually seen a woman carry two kids, push a stroller, hold a diaper bag while tying a third childs shoelace simultaneously chewing gum and talking on a cell phone. Alone.
Jen and Brad
 Brad shrieked in a phone call to Angie, "I can't live without you!" It's so difficult filming in Canada when she isn't there, he tells me. 
Brad is officially adopting Maddox and Zahara. Mad's been calling him Daddy for months.
Behold! The healing power of Oprah. Jen has turned the page. Right to the chapter of Vince Vaughn.
Why is Brad dressed like an old man? It's just the hat that bothers me. Does the all-white ensemble indicate he is considering Kabbalah? That's what he loves about Angie, she just lets him wear whatever he wants. He doesn't have to shower or shave and she does not care. Actually she likes her men a bit raw and stinky. Meanwhile, rumors are rampant that Jennifer and Vince are engaged. She is reportedly wearing the diamond cluster ring on a necklace because she doesnt want to go public with this just yet. Obviously out of concern for Brad's feelings. Yeah, right. Jen was quoted as saying something along the lines of Vince being the kind of guy that "grows on you." Like a rash or mold. Race to the alter, 2006: Tune in! And we can start taking bets on who will get the first divorce. This is Hollywood where the average life-span of a marriage is 2.3 years.
Willis girls
 image: JJB  image: justjared It's amazing how none of Demi's girls look like their mother. On the other hand, Demi doesn't look like Demi anymore. Thats what happens when you get an eye lift, nose job, cheek implants, chin work, new teeth and a new jawline. Plastic surgery doesn't effect the gene pool does it? Bruce's daughters look just like him except for the youngest one who, quite frankly, scares me in the above photo.
An ebay deal
My name is Vincent and I would like to sell you a little something ... 
...And then I'm going to come after you. Are you in the market for some high quality, drug free sperm? Do you have lots of cash laying around the house? Did you wake up this morning and wonder, "Where is my next ejaculatory specimen coming from?" Well have I got a deal for you!
This is directly from the ebay site where you can read more lurid and ridiculous details of the item up for auction:
Up for auction is Vincent Gallo's sperm. Price includes all costs related to one attempt at an in-vitro fertilization. (A $50,000 value) If the first attempt at in vitro fertilization is unsuccessful, purchaser of sperm must pay all medical costs related to additional attempts. Mr. Gallo will supply sperm for as many attempts as it takes to complete a successful fertilization and successful delivery. Sperm is 100% guaranteed to be donated by Mr. Gallo who is drug, alcohol and disease free. If the purchaser of the sperm chooses the option of natural insemination, there is an additional charge of $500,000. However, if after being presented detailed photographs of the purchaser, Mr. Gallo may be willing to waive the natural insemination fee and charge only for the sperm itself.
*disclaimer: This must be a joke
Two posts, two posts in one!
 Lindsay Lohan and her manorexic gay friend, Pooti. No word on whether or not his last name is Tang. Pooti Tang. To be friends with Lohan, you must, must weigh less than her and have an illegal way of getting Adderal and Klonopin. 
"Like, its so good to like see you!"
Meanwhile, Mischa and her beau Cisco (who is currently undergoing treatment for Kimberly Stewart crabs) give someone the stink eye. No offense to Mischa but her taste in men makes me gag on my Citron. From a greasy druggie with mutton chops to a long haired, cootie- carrying musician who makes her pay for her own meals and movie tickets. But he gets the good weed.
 "Ahoy! My top says puffy Laura Ashley inspired pirate-wear and my bottom says Go-go boots all the way!"
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POP goes the Garner!! 
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