Conversations about Famous People: 10/01/2005

Monday, October 31

Stallone power!

Perm courtesy of Ogilve, tight pants from Wrangler, flowered shirt from the Kathie Lee collection, small penis courtesy of steriod use.

Sylvester Stallone is making yet another Rambo movie and also another Rocky film. He is about 74 years old and may need some diapers on set and an extra pair of dentures, probably a wig and also a long afternoon nap followed by prune juice and a menthol rub. Rambo 13th will see hero John Rambo searching for a missing child. The Rocky movie will also star Dolph Lundgren will have AIDS in the film. Sly's mother, fortune- teller Jackie, who likes heavy cosmetics, vodka and false eyelashes, told her son he must make more movies or else!

You see, the world simply cannot continue to rotate on its axis without a couple more Sylvester Stallone movies. The key to world peace obviously lies within Rambo and Rocky. Sylvester, please save us!

Britney to write book!

Above is a photo of Britney getting off her private plane. She cannot carry her diaper bag or her son, Sean. But what she can do is pen a book based on the teachings of Kabbalah. Yes, its true.

Like Madonna before her, Britney is going to create a magical childrens book! It will be called "The Mystical Cornrows of Skidmark Boy!" And it will have lovely illustrations of a dirty boy with tightly braided hair and a pack of cigs in his pocket who has no money but a stick of pepperoni. Order your copy now!

Alec to Kim: You're a psycho!

Alec “Shweaty Balls” Baldwin is spreading nasty rumors about Kim Basinger, telling everyone that she is cuckoo and a liar and a wack job and a freak and is like a nasty virus. Why is he doing this? Because Alec and Kim are in a bitter custody battle over their 10-year old daughter, Ireland.

Alec feels that Kim is alienating Italy from him, for example, Kim is not allowing England to fly with Alec because she feels she can better protect Spain from terrorists at the airports. Furthermore, Alec is too dumb to help Germany with her fourth grade homework. Even though MENSA has been begging me for years to be a member and I have a doctorate degree in advanced reptilian science, I could not complete fourth grade math homework without a calculator and a Xanax while sipping straight vodka.

Alec who is looking quite bloated lately, is requesting that Kim get a full evaluation of her psychological well being. He strongly feels that Kim to unfit to parent little Argentina. On the other hand, Alec is no walk in the park. He has a horrible temper and is prone to drinking too much bourbon. Plus, his brother Daniel Baldwin is scary.

Paris Hilton's song

This songs for you

I hope Nicole is ready for the release of Paris Hilton's album! Because Paris has written a song explaining what went down with Ms. Richie and I cannot wait to find out what the deal is. Can you? I know we have all been holding our breath for the new album, due out in December. Clever marketing- right in time to stuff the holiday stockings of all your close friends and relatives.

I think the song is titled, “You're a bitch, Bitch!” The lyrics go on to explain Paris’s deepest feelings about Ms. Richie: how Nicole would have never been famous without the help of Paris and how Nicole is a bobblehead and a copycat. Apparently, Paris dictated the lyrics to a transcriber since she cannot hold a pen or write full sentences. Besides having a personality disorder, Paris is not literate.

Nicole refuses to discuss what went down with Paris, but says the two have not been speaking at all and hints that Paris is a big mouthed whore. You don’t need an album to read between those lines.

MKs return to acting!

Hobo #1

Hobo #2

Mini mogul Mary Kate will be returning to the big screen and I say this is long overdue! I've been on pins and needles since her brilliant comedic turn in "Billboard Dad". And now MK has signed on to star in the Edie Sedgewick biopic with Sienna Miller! This is worth waiting for. Thank goodness Mary Kate dropped out of NYU or else who would star along with Sienna? Tara Reid? Please!

The girls will no doubt share in how and where they find their oversize rags, inake of coffee enemas and their recreational drugs of choice. Fun!

Costumes of the Stars

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Halloween

Paris is dressed as a slutty heiress on Halloween weekend! Note the clip-on extensions. Excellent costume. Two thumbs and a penis up!

Boo!

Oh, let's see..Paris is dressed as Pebbles Flintstone who fell into a vat of glitter while Nicky is dressed as the policeman from the Village People.

Sunday, October 30

Madonna to Gwen, "You are a cheap imitation of moi!"

Madonna things that Gwen Stefani is unoriginal and has copied her in every way. Says Esther, "She ripped me off. We work with a lot of the same people. She married a Brit, she's got blonde hair and she likes fashion."

What? Is someone being a bit narcissistc? Madonna, I hate to tell you this, but there are tons of people in the world who have blonde hair and like fashion…ahem!

And I don’t see Madge with her own line of clothing. Not yet anyway. I hear Love Angel Kabbalah Baby is in the works. Demi and Ashton will be the spokesmodels and will be given stiff competition from the Scientology camp who are at this minute designing their own clothing line, Xenu Mizrahi for Target.

Swinging is fun!

Nicole Richie swings on the beaches of Santa Monica

Weeeeeee! We have lift off!

If Nicole loses any more weight, she will need to be strapped into a baby seat. And then DJ AM can carry her around in a front pack carrier like Zahara Jolie.

Jessica: WTF?

Ring watch: ON

Yeee Haw!

Jessica...I have to tell you, the clothes aren't working for me. Quite frankly, I feel you might appear in the audience of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour and start hooting along with the You Might be A Redneck jokes...

The constant cowboy hat headwear, the jeans tucked into the cowboy boots...we get it. You're from Texas. I'm from New Jersey and you don't see me sporting teased bangs and long acrylic nails do you?

This is the woman who was the recipient of the sought after Best Cleavage title. You might find her straddling a mechanical bull at The Rusty Spur tonight.

Jennifer Garner on the set of Alias wearing slippers and a wig. Obviously!

Ben Affleck rocks the Fu Man Chu facial hair- style. I've seen him bearded, bloated, boozy, unshaven, shaven, clean, dirty, rumpled. But most often his look includes the popular Starbucks cup accessory and sweat pants. ((YAWN)) Ben, get arrested or something, you are boring us. Imagine if Jen popped out Matt Damon's baby? Now that would be news worth reading.

Ashley Olsen covers up.

Ashley, it's not that hot outside! Personally, I prefer to keep my woolen horse blankets in the closet until December.

What? Oh, it's Benedictine Monk coverup. She is turning over a new leaf. Celibate, quiet and peaceful, introspective. I guess this means she won't be showing up at the nightclubs anymore?

Brad eats! And the world watches!!

Brad eats: present tense

Brad shows us the proper way to eat a partial loaf of French bread: past tense.

One thing is clear, Brad likes his carbs. How could the relationship work out with Jen when she only eats 10% of her diet from carbohydrates? See, it was doomed from the beginning.

On the other hand, Angie enjoys heaping bowls full of Special K, as seen in photos of her leaving the grocery store recently. I did a high resolution scan of her grocery bags and determined that she consumes cereal. This is breaking news, I know. And the photos of Brad with his pasta bowl? Priceless. I believe he enjoys the occasional meal of Spaghetti O's.

Nicky wears teeth!

evidence no.1

evidence no. 2

Check out Nicky Hilton's tooth necklace, titled evidence no. 1. Then, please note former childhood actor turned salesman, Corey Haim selling his tooth as well as some questionable body hair, evidence no. 2.

I have reason to believe Nicky was the highest bidder in the Corey Haim tooth selling on Ebay, and she actually made a necklace from her winnings! But what we want to know is- what did she do with the baggie full of curly hair?

LOLA Von SIMON DOONAN

This is Lola Von Simon Doonan. She enjoys martinis and Pucci prints. Lola is also partial to biting slippers and cuddling with her pashminas.

Saturday, October 29

I am adopting a GREAT DANE PUPPY. I am insane. Therefore I am taking a day off, maybe two. If you know anything about training a puppy, I need all the help I can get. Email me at distressedbluejeans@gmail.com

Thanks!

Thursday, October 27

Jeannette Walls, The Glass Castle

She grew up dirt poor, moving around from Arizona to Nevada to West Virginia. Her parents never held jobs and at one point, her father offered her up to the winner of a game of pool. Any money the family had went towards paying for her fathers booze and her mothers painting supplies. Jeannette Walls spent many years sleeping in a cardboard box and eating things like popcorn for a straight week because the family did not have money for anything else. She picked through the bins at school for discarded lunches and washed her face in the snow because they did not have running water. They did not have a flushing toilet or a working oven or insulation or any of the basic necessities that I couldnt live without. Not only did Jeannette survive her past but came to terms with it, accepted it and has become very successful. The book is honest and is written without a shred of anger towards the parents who couldn't give their children hot lunches and warm beds.

It's a truly inspiring memoir that is a must read. The Glass Castle would have to be my pick for best book of the year. So if you can only find the time to read one book, let this be it.

Jeannette and I did an interview, you can read it here.

Nicole Richie: Different

I've been waiting forever for Nicole Richie to come out with her own bottled stink water and the day has finally arrived! Will the bottle be shaped like enormous sun glasses? Or will each purchase include a pair?

Nicole’s perfume will feature a lovely blend of lavendar and ginger. It will be called Different. Which is much more catchy than calling it Same. Different than what? Different than Paris Hilton's perfume which need I remind you, smells like dirty bed sheets and money. And Tom Sizemore's sweat. Nicole's perfume will also offer subtle undertones of colon blow and cocaine. Delicious! As an added bonus, it will curb your appetite. OH THAT WAS SO MEAN.

OH PARIS

How can Paris go out in public knowing she had sex with Tom Sizemore of all people. He's old and chunky and rough and dated Heidi Fleiss and beat her up. He does drugs and drinks. Surely he is not compatible with an heiress like Paris.

The proof! They were together after all. Why does Paris have her pinkie in her mouth? By the way, I love a good shadow hand puppet. Is it a dog?

Teen People has given Paris Hilton the title "Queen of the Celebrity Egos". Said Paris, “By channeling my inner heiress, I created a new opportunity for young heiresses.” And all of us heiresses thank you for that Paris! What would we do without your help?

Meanwhile, I was really hurt on behalf of Paris when Tom Sizemore came forward and said he made a sex tape with Paris. How dare he! Surely her taste in men isn’t that bad. But since that fateful day when Tom announced the video of their sex romp would be available for the low price of $19.95 via Vivid Entertainment, a photo of Paris and Tom was released and has been circulating the internet this past week. I'm rethinking this whole thing.

Sizemore says that he and Paris were at a party where she suggested they sleep together. She was waiting for him, alone and naked in his home gym where he followed the sounds of a cigarette lighter, finding a willing Paris ready for her workout. Wink wink.

As if that’s not enough to cause Paris to go into hiding, Paris is being sued by ex-fiance Paris Latsis’ ex- girlfriend, Zeta Graff. Zeta has filed a defamation suit against Paris saying Ms. Hilton made up stories about her that appeared in the New York Post. Zeta is asking for $10 million to compensate for defamation of character. In the lawsuit, Zeta indicated that Hilton “threatened to destroy her”.

How is Paris Hilton’s PR people going to handle all of this? I say go with the mentally unstable angle.

Kevin is walking on thin ice

The ladies love K. Fed. Or so he thinks

Hey bitches! You want some K. Fed?

Britney is totally cranky and rightfully so. With a full time staff of six to help care for Sean Preston and her gigantic home, she is left to supervise her husband which requires the assistance of at least two full time helpers, a bodyguard and a banker for her rapidly dwindling account.

No wonder why Britney spouted off and told Kevin he is a terrible singer. Don’t give up your day job, Kev- wait- he doesn’t have one. Unless you count the multi million dollar dance studio he is said to be opening up with Michael Jacksons father.

Kevin brought home music he recorded in the studio and played it for Britney who burst out laughing. “Kevin, that is the worst dang shit I’s ever heard!” she proclaimed through a mouthful of her Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf mocha.

Britney informed Kev that he might sell a handful of cd’s out of the back of his Infiniti in the parking lot at Wal Mart if he threw in a free tee shirt. Naturally Kevin was crushed. Wal Mart? She should have said The Palms Hotel and Casino which is where Kevin likes to play.

I understand where the harsh words are coming from. While Britney (and her staff) was home taking care of newborn baby Sean, Kevin was out getting his hair braided for two hours. Then he took off to the nightclub Mood, where he danced the night away. Britney is getting tired of Kevin’s behavior and Lynne Spears is doing her best to keep the family together but one woman can only do so much. If Kevin doesn’t get his shit together, I fear Britney will be signing divorce papers before his debut cd hits the stores.

Pam will retire her bosoms

This is Pam's idea of prim and proper. I guess the buttons don't go all the way up?

Pamela is putting her famous chest away for good. There will be no more low cut dresses and half shirts, no more scanty outfits show casing her assets. I suppose this means she will no longer pose for Playboy?
Recently Pammy showed up at a Hollywood party dressed very "prim and proper" in tweed. She said, “I'm 38 and I don't need to get it out any more. My mom told me I've got beautiful eyes and a beautiful smile, that's what a man wants to see."Actually most men just want to see your huge boobs. Does this mean she will get her implants taken out and be a beautiful but small chested woman? Now there's a radical idea.

Ashley's Drug Scandal!

"I dont do drugs!"

"But I do!"

The National Enquirer has issued an apology to Ashley Olsen for insinuating she was part of a drug ring concerning her ex-boyfriend, Scott Sartiano. Is he Greek?

Ashleys face was plastered all over the cover of the tabloid with bold letters "Ashley Olsen Caught In A Drug Scandal"

The Enquirer did some backpedaling on this one and issued a statement saying: "The article concerned certain legal proceedings involving Scott Sartiano and did not in any way accuse Ms. Olsen of being involved in those proceedings or of being involved in any drug scandal or any association with any type of illegal drugs. The National Enquirer wants to make clear to its readers that, by its cover and headlines, it did not intend to accuse Ms. Olsen of being involved in any drug scandal."

I think we know the truth here don’t we?

New book about Trump

Donald Trump is steaming mad over a new unauthorized biography. His Royal Trumpness feels “betrayed” by author Timothy O”Brien who blows the doors off Donald's hush- hush affair with actress Robin Givens. Incidentally, she dated Brad Pitt. Donald says he did not have an affair with Robin however he once bedded Brad. Just kidding!

Timothy takes “cheap shots” at ex-wife Marla Maples and writes that Donald is not a billionaire as we all think. He only has $99,999,999.99 in the bank. And at one point during his career Trump had to borrow money from his siblings. Donald insists the book is pure crap and doesn't want us to read a word of it. He says, “The book is not a very good book. Tim's not a very good writer." What I want to know is: does Donald really crap out solid gold bricks to match his decor? I think we all need an answer to this question that has been plaguing us for years.

Xenu would be proud

Hand me a tissue, this news made me weep! Apparently Tom Cruise is asking Katie Holmes to sign a pre-nup. And like me, poor Katie had to choke back the tears. You see, Tom is just protecting his assets. No, she will not be allowed to sit in his special recliner at the Scientology Center during her assists. That big leather chair with the built- in back massager is only for Tom. But Katie will get a very generous check after five years of marriage. And the figure doubles at the ten year mark. Its his standard contract which Nicole Kidman signed many years ago. Nicole couldn’t manage to hang on until their ten year anniversary or she would have hit pay dirt and then she could have lived out the rest of her life in first class luxury- as if she doesn't already.

Speaking of Nicole, rumors persist that she is upset over Katie having Tom’s child. Nicole and Tom had a special bond because of their two adopted children. But now Katie is going to give birth to Tom’s biological child (we wonder about that) and this has sent Nicole into the closet with a box of Oreos and a Hersheys candy bar.

And Tom is one step closer to converting Posh and Becks into his cult! All they have to do is donate a large sum of money to the center and they will be accepted. No red strings or white track suits necessary but they will have to undergo an intense fourteen day period where they cut off all contact with their non-Scientology friends. And of course, they must agree to have the micro- chip implantation. And the Thetan Butt Plug, my personal favorite.

Tell me more

No, I cannot go one day without writing about Angelina, Brad or Jennifer. Each day one of these people is making headline news. Jennifer is upset over Brad and Angelina’s upcoming wedding, reportedly to take place around Thanksgiving. WOW, Brad moved on fast. Isn't there a mourning period after a divorce? Apparently not. And while Brad and Angie enjoy being tied up with duct-tape and gagged with fuzzy tennis balls, Jennifer is shopping for an apartment in Chicago so she can be closer to Oprah and Vince Vaughn. If I were to live in Chicago I would only live there in the summer because the harsh winters are too much for my delicate constitution. I wonder if Jen is concerned about numb hands, cold feet and static electricity in her hair?

Now, back to the S&M habits of Angie because that’s what we’re all interested in, right? Nevermind the factoid that she and Billy Bob used to shoot heroin together and now she prefers the occasional line of coke. This is secondhand information, believe at your own discretion.

Now Angie, tell me about the s & m!

"S and M sex can be misinterpreted as violence. It's really about trust. I like to push boundaries, both emotional and sexual, with another person. That's when I've felt the sexiest. I've been in both submissive and dominant roles because I want more." she said.

Lindsays confession

I'm hurting inside!

Poor Lindsay Lohan! First she was caught in the middle of an ugly kerfluffle with Aaron Carter and Hilary Duff. Then she started hanging out with Paris and her posse. There was the business of having sex with an old Bruce Willis and banging on Wilmer Valderamana’s hotel door in the middle of the night for a good old fashioned booty call. She has been seen around town with heroin addict Jared Leto (come on! you know he does drugs!) and now…she confesses to something. No, not her breast implants or puffy swollen lips, but she says she almost died! See what happens when you give yourself too many enemas?

What happened?

'I was going through a lot of stuff and overworking and not thinking of my body,' she said."I lost 20-25 pounds. I was on IV drips. I nearly died." Wait- do I sense a Lifetime Womans Television movie of the week here? I think I do! Stay tuned...this story isnt over yet!

You are under arrest for being married to Star Jones!

It would have been so much more delicious if Al Reynolds had been arrested while trolling for men dressed as woman. But Al’s arrest, at three o’clock in the morning, ahem! had more to do with driving while his license was suspended than picking up random guys for a quickie in the backseat. They have an open marriage, don't they? He goes out with men and she ...tries to score free stuff and pretends to be in love with her big strong stallion.

Al changed lanes without signaling so the cops pulled him over because in the middle of the night, what else are those cops doing? When Al told the police he was Star’s husband, they booked him and threw him in the slammer for the rest of the night. Okay I made that last part up. All of this will make sense many years from now when Al comes out with an explosive tell-all memoir about his years living as Star Jones' bitch.

Wednesday, October 26

Kirsten likes messed up teeth

Kirsten, why don't you fix your crooked baby teeth?

"That's one of the things I like about me. Messed-up teeth are so sexy."

Then she must really get turned on by the teeth in the above photo. If a guy has rotten teeth, missing a few canines, a twisted bicuspid or two and staining on the gum line, she will agree to a date. If he is missing some teeth, even better! She'll even put out if the teeth are extra yellowed.

My big fat Greek boyfriend

This guy owns a yacht and a home in Crete. Perfect for Paris!

Greek men are so hot when they wear their costume regalia

The older the Greek, the more money they have.

Paris needs to learn the proper way to give a Greek kiss. Smooch!

I wonder if she is ready to change her name to Paris Hiltonopolis? Paris Hiltondapades?

If Paris is going to insist on dating Greek after Greek, I thought the least I could do is dedicate a post to her. Opa!

Leelee rocks the apron dress

Leelee's sisters are very jealous because Leelee gets to show her ankles.

"Can we speed thing up? I have get back to the farm and give the cows a milkin'!"

"I wonder what our sister Leelee is doing right?"

"She's probably churning the butter and making johnnycakes."

Leelee Sobieski singlehandedly creates her own fashion statement, Pairie Chic! Nellie Olsen is going to be so jealous!

Paris, the Hollywood Madame

"I have Kimberly Stewart available and I can also get you a date with Lindsay Lohan. If you're desperate, a night with Ashlee Simpson can be arranged."

I have reason to believe Paris Hilton is the puppet master behind the latest Hollywood couplings. The modern day Heidi Fleiss if you will. oh- theres the Tom Sizemore tie-in.

"I was thinking you could set me up with an Olsen sister?"

"You are so much more fun than Mary Kate! She spent a lot of time in the bathroom."

"Back off bitch. Ryan Cabrerra is mine now!"

"You're so much bigger and richer than my last Greek!"

Paris finally meets someone with feet larger than her own.

Hollywood has more inbreeding than a family reunion in the Ozarks. I mean, this is enough to make your head spin and if I wasnt so busy trying to match up who is going out with who and who used to date who, I could set up some kind of tricky card game and start making money.

It would go something like this: choose one person then randomly choose another. Get five points if the pair has been together and ten if they went out more than five times. Get 15 points if one person dated more than one sister at a time.

YOUNG HOLLYWOOD DATING POOL

Brandon Davis

Wilmer Vladermama

Lindsay Lohan

Ryan Cabrerra

Jared Leto

Ashlee Simpson

Mary Kate Olsen

Paris Hilton

Stavros Niarchos

Nicky Hilton

Ashley Simpson

(?) Tom Sizemore (?)

Ashley Olsen

Kim Stewart

Kelly Osbourne

Jack Osbourne

Hilary Duff

Aaron Carter

Haylie Duff

Jude Law wanted into this group but I had to keep him out. Owen Wilson offered to date any of the hot young things, venereal diseases be damned. And lastly, Nick Carter begged to be included but I turned him away because he is bloated and boozy.

Eva knows her rifles

See the fur around Eva? That’s a white deer skin fur with a chinchilla blended fox fur underlay. And she culled the fur from wild animals on her family’s farm. It's true.

Eva is highly trained as a hunter. She is an expert with a gun, and not only that but she moonlights as a sharpshooter and makes a mean rabbit stew. Eva owns her own rifle and goes quail hunting twice a year and can lasso a steer too. Madonna thinks she is so high and mighty with her horses and British hunting boots. Well, Eva could not only hunt circles around Madge but could skin her and mount her on the front end of her Escalade. I like the holiday wreath around the neck of a dead carcass, it puts me in the mood for cranberries and stringing popcorn.

Says Eva, “"I can handle a gun. Hello? Yes. I could skin a deer, I could skin a pig. I can pluck a quail -- you name it, I've done it. A pioneer woman." A proud, card carrying member of the NRA!

Baby alert

Leggings with an oversize shirt?

Baby hint #1. All the better to hide a growing belly.

Any body language expert would tell you that by Nick walking four feet ahead of Jessica means there is an obvious rift between the two.

Baby hint #2. Sweater tied around the waist? Yes, to take your prying eyes off her belly.

Strapless dress rather than a revealing bikini? I thought Jessica loved to tan her body?

Baby hint #3. The loose fitting caftan is excellent for diguising weight gain, perhaps related to the gestational process?

There really is no excuse for wearing an oversized Outback Red sweater and Capezio leggings with cowboy boots and a cowboy hat.

Baby hint #4. The cowboy hat draws your eye upwards while the chunky, out- of -style sweater over the leggings gives us something to talk about.

This is getting crazy! If I were to pen the Nick & Jessica story, I would have to say this: Jessica and Nick have been enjoying all the perks of an "open marriage". Papa Joe Simpson has been doing his best to exercise damage control until Jessica's next album comes out and she will need all the positive PR available. But the cat was let out of the bag when Nick tried to pick up a college girl at a football game recently. And Jessica, well, she's been partying and living it up with Cacee. We've seen the proof. The proof is in the pudding, or the Malibu & cokes she's been drinking.

Naturally a pregnancy would throw a wrench in the plans. How can they maintain an open marriage? The trip to Italy, paid for by OK! magazine, was a last ditch effort to reconcile the two who have grown apart. The pregnancy is going to force Jessica to abandon her party girl ways.

This story could get a little juicier if we were to find out that the father of the baby is really Bam Margera!

Jen Garner has a baby shower....awwwww! ooohhh! ahhhh!

The parents to be: Ben & Jen, aka Bennifer II

This is the pregnant womans waddle

I am guessing there is 8 pounds of baby in there.

Jennifer Garner Foley Affleck had a baby shower over the weekend and I am hoping she received my gift of hoochie mama tank tops and hot pants for her little girl. Nothing says cute better than HOT BABY spelled in sequins with matching pleather pants.

Jen got a lot of baby loot including a breast pump, burp rags, blankets, towels, several bibs, infant items, and a Girls Gone Wild tee shirt and video for Ben. I think that was a joke, a random gift sent by Jennifer Lopez who is green with envy over Jen's future newborn. Or else it was Michael Vartan who has a sick and twisted sense of humor.

Ashlee Simpson wears a hair net

Are they sitting on some sort of throne?

This gives us a clear view of Ashlee's lunchlady chic hair do. You should always secure your hairnet with a clip to keep stray hairs out of the franks n' beans.

I didn't steal your boyfriend! Oh yes I did. Ashlee works it with Wilmer. Nice fedora, how very Ashton Kutcher of you!

Soon we can expect to see Ashlee with a.) Paris Latsis 2.) Stavros (he doesnt need a last name) 3.) Cisco Adler

It was a few nights ago, I was sitting in a restaurent in Los Angeles, having dinner with my friend, T. Everyone is LA is always checking everyone else out. Its just the way it is. There is always the promise of seeing a celebrity or a b-list actor or even a c-list reality star. There is eye contact being made, you must always be well groomed because the guy over there could be from William Morris and at any moment, offer you his business card with the promise of stardom and fame in exchange for showing your boobs in the back alley and maybe performing a sex act or two.

So, T. and I were eating our gourmet food stuffs and drinking our imported ice water, when suddenly a flash of blonde and red caught my eye, it was none other than Ashlee Simpson standing before me in all her black nailed glory.

And this is what happened: we locked eyes. And then...I said, "Hi." and she looked right at me and said, "Hey." Then she sent down and I paid the bill and that concludes The Day I Met Ashlee.

Jude talks to himself and Liz is mean

Jude Law talks to himself while walking down the street. Thankfully, the photographers are there to capture his dementia. I think what he is saying to himself goes a little like this, "Jude loves Sienna. But Jude also loves Sadie. Should he get back together with Sadie and what about Kate? And then where has Daisy been? And what is Sienna doing? Where is Daniel Craig? I'm so very horny right now. Doesn't George Michael live around here?"

I love it when celebrities spew venom about each other. Now Elizabeth Hurley- who should be talking, didn't she wear a low cut top and a mini skirt to Cruz Beckhams baptism?- Well, Liz is going around saying how ugly she thinks Sienna Miller looks with her new short hair cut. When Jude first started dating Sienna, Liz called her, "a bit pedestrian". What does she think of:

Jessica Simpson? "Talentless."

Ashlee Simpson? "Who?"

Avril Levinge? "I dont know what you are talking about."

Elton John? "Brilliant man."

Madonna? "Should retire."

Tom Cruise? "Oh please."

Don't worry Sienna, I think you are darling with the sassy new cut!

Tuesday, October 25

Angie

Angelina clearly has this mom-on-the-go thing down pretty well by now. Strapped to her body she has bottles, diapers, blankets and a change of clothes along with a few whips and a vial of Billy Bob Thorton's blood for good luck.

Angie's body art is a reminder that we have the right to remain silent and anything we say can and will be used against us in a court of law.

Angelina attended the Worldwide Orphans Foundation Gala Buffet Benefit Dinner for Children of Third World Countries. Or something like that. She went to the function with her brother, James Haven, who looks even more female than she does. But where were Maddox and Zahara? Don't worry, they were taken care of by the butler and the nanny.

You know how upset Jennifer was when she saw the spread of Brad and Angie in W magazine? Well, I wonder what her reaction will be when Brad and Angie pose naked? Disgust or intrigue?

“In Touch” is reporting that the stars will rip off their clothes and do an artsy nude spread in a magazine. They are currently talking to several magazines and shopping their naked bodies around, the highest bidder will win the right to publish the photos. Since Brad considers himself an artiste, he thinks this “concept” will be well received amongst his fans.

I'm Hoffing

What is better than a little Hoff to motivate us to be the best we can?

Right back atcha, big guy!

If Andy Warhol Had A Girlfriend

Alison Pace has written a really good book. The title is, If Andy Warhol Had A Girlfriend. The subtitle, in very small, almost undectable letters, says She Would Be Just Like Distressed Jeans.

And I hate to call attention to this but I think Alison has a crush on Ethan Hawke. Have I said too much? - oops. We did an interview which can be seen here and be sure to follow the links to Alison's blog.

After you read about Alison, go out and buy your copy of The Glass Castle. I'm getting together with Jeannette Walls to talk about her magnificent memoir. This book is a must-read. Did you catch her on Oprah last week? You may remember Jeannette from the gossip show on the E! channel a few years ago. She is the gossip columnist for MSNBC.com. Our interview is coming this week.

I'll also be talking fashion with Meghan Cleary, author of The Perfect Fit. She is going to talk about the UGG factor, stilettos and more. All will be on the Conversations With Famous Writers blog.

A long day...

My day began with a phone call from Brad Pitt. No, I couldn't meet him for breakfast because...

...I was joining Renee for brunch. We like to see who can pull of pretending to eat. Really, I'm quite good at it. She is like a chipmunk saving chesnuts in her cheek. The food in her mouth? From last time we went out and licked ice cubes faking our consumption of mixed greens.

Kelly said, "No thanks, I just ate a corn dog," when I asked her to get some ice cream in the afternoon. It's no fun to get non- fat, no sugar, low carb gelatto in a Dixie cup by yourself.

When I ran into Jessica in downtown LA, I asked about Nick. She shared her thoughts with me. Then I told her that "Dessert" smells like leftover bakery goods on the sale bin at Vons. She was angry and it showed.

"WHAT? Do I even know you?"

"No, but anyway, want to go for a walk on the beach?" I was really trying to mend fences with Jen. We can be friends, I believe. We can talk about cute boys and go shopping and paint each others nails and have pillow fights. "Do you want to watch the sunset?" I offered.

She didn't.

When I bumped into Britney at the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf, I was like, "Brit, did you know a blended drink has like, 1800 calories?"

and she's all, "Nuh uh!"

and I'm like, "Yeah, its true!"

and she's like, "Y'all! No way!"

Then we argued about it for a minute and then I asked about those vanishing photos on the internet and she got really quiet. I think I made her cry!

Energized by my sugar and caffeine enhanced coffee beverage, I went for a little adventure on the beach.

When I arrived home, my internet access was down. Obviously my ISP doesn't understand who I am and what it is that I do. These people drive me to drink...literally. Vodka and a nice bottle of white wine. So I passed out on my keyboard and when I came to, I realized the entire day of celebrity photos had come and gone without me!

Therefore, there will be more posting and less drinking tomorrow. And now I'm off to bed.

Monday, October 24

Paris in a sweatshirt and fishnets

Jealous, bitches?

Kate and Ryder

Kate Hudson and her son Ryder-with-the-long- hair share a popsicle. This kid would be so much cuter if she would let me at him with a pair of scissors. To cut his hair! That sounded really really bad, didn't it?

Reese Cares

I don't see anyone I know here....

Reese Witherspoon poses at Couture Cares to benefit breast cancer. I'm a bit miffed I wasn't invited. Breast Cancer is a cause which deeply affects me and several of my loved ones. I care! I hope Im invited next year!

And that's about all I have to say.

Rachel shops!

Geez, Rachel Bilson, just because Sienna Miller can get away with dressing like a bag lady doesn't mean you can pull it off. I'm sure those boots are from a place far more expensive than Payless but they look just like my Grandma's rainboots circa 1987.

Generally speaking, I tend to stay away from leggings or tights with no shirt. But thats just me. And I have been known to wear tights and/or leggings for special occasions paired with stilettos and accessorized with a bull whip and a mask. Oops, have I said too much?

I think jeans and flats would be just fine with the sweater and the ruby red hairband. You see, its like I told Mary Kate after she ventured out in public wearing only a bathrobe from the Four Seasons and a pair of flip flops, I pulled her aside and said, "When you are a public figure, you must always be prepared to be photographed and this means pulling on your designer clothes and having your hair stylist, wardrobe consultant and makeup artist on speed dial. That's just the way it is."

Fame is such a bitch!

Celine has a spermsicle in New York

Celine Dion is hoping that her husbands frozen sperm goes on and on. Celine age 37 and her husband, Rene Angelil, age 103, want to have another child together and soon because Pappy isn’t getting any younger.

Celine plans on having some in vitro fertilization when her contract with Caesars Palace ends in the year 2007. And then I think Britney Spears will move in and have nightly concerts while Kevin plays on the strip. Just how far is that Moonlight Bunny Ranch from Caesars anyway?

Why do you want another baby, Celine?

"I'm approaching 40 years old, and I have to tend to that. This frozen embryo that is in New York is my child waiting to be brought to life." You know who’s also frozen and is waiting to be brought back to life? Walt Disney.

What else would you like to do?

"I would love to make a film. I want an Oscar!"

Do you mean an Oscar for a musical score or do you mean an Oscar for actually acting?

When I asked her this question, she didn’t reply. I think she’s still angry that I made fun of her son’s long girly hair. Well, it needs to be cut, its halfway down his back for Petes sake!

Janet Jackson has a daughter

This is more scandalous than Michael Jackson throwing a blanket over his kids head or dressing up in a Mickey Mouse costume. Janet Jackson has an 18 year old daughter that she has kept hidden for the past- oh, 18 years!

Remember James Debarge? He was secretly married to Janet for a few years back in the 1980’s when Janet was only 18 herself. That family just loves keeping things under wraps, and I'm not just talking about blankets over the head or white rhinestone studded gloves on bleached hands.

Young Debarge, brother of James, came forward with this shocking piece of news on a radio station over the weekend. He said that after Janet had the baby, the infant was sent away to live with Rebbie Jackson. Ever hear of Rebbie? No? Probably because Rebbie was- you got it- living in secrecy.

Janet’s daughter Renee is upset over her mothers refusal to acknowledge her. When asked for a quote, Janet’s spokeperson said, “No comment.”

I would appreciate it if you could all just you know, keep the news secret. Janet would be totally pissed if anyone found out about this.

Sunday, October 23

Dear Paris,

Don't trip

over your

long pants!

Dear Paris,

First of all, why are you with oily Brandon Davis? Was Stavros busy? I dont care for his shirt, he always looks high and bloated and his skin is greasy. Has he been deep- fried lately?

Second, I think you might need to hire a tailor to hem your clothes. Your dress is long and your pants cover your shoes. This would bother me.

Would you please lay to rest the rumor that Young Hollywood has a revolving door policy when it comes to dating? I fear I may see Lindsay or Kimberly out with Brandon Davis. If I were single though, I think I might want to date Ryan Gosling. Or perhaps a rock star.

Love,

Distressed Jeans

Posh and plastic

The above photo is an actual replica of a plastic surgeons notes on the face of Victoria "You'll always be posh to me!" Beckham.

I find myself confused yet fascinated with her face. The skin appears to be pulled tighter than violin strings with limited elasticity. The nose has been thinned, the eyes lifted, the cheekbones implanted and we all know the teeth are veneers, buffed and shined to a brilliant white. Needless to say, her lips have been stuffed with a substance, perhaps- goose down? Not included is the notes on her breasts which have been filled with helium and rubber, just like balloons from Party City. She isn't posh as much as she is bionic.

Lindsay tries to go back to red

I'm just tickled that Lindsay Lohan took my advice and dyed her overprocessed locks back to red! I sent a box of hair dye and a lovely note along with a box of candy and a buy 1 get 1 free Whopper meal coupon. And look! Clearly she donned the plastic gloves and did her own hair. Bravo, Lindsday!

However. I do see a few color variations which means she probably did not heed the advice of the Clairol consultants and apply the color to the tips of the hair for only five minutes. She saturated. That is why, if you will notice, her hair is three different shades.

1. red
2. reddish brown
3. brownish purple

Honey, call me ASAP. I will hurry over with my scissors and trim off the purple, then I will apply Natural Instincts and we can go out for a night on the town and show off your gorgeous coif!

Chris and Adrianne move on..

Its OVAH!

Howard Stern announced it first. This is headlining news for those of us who have watched each episode of My Fair Brady. Adrianne Curry and Peter Brady (Christopher Knight) are over! Was it her desire to get married and his fear of commitment? Was she too wild for him? Whatever the reason, the two have split and my broken and battered heart will never be the same.

Adding the proverbial salt to my gaping wound is the fact that Adrianne has been seen with Connie from American Idol. He of the weak chin and the faux karate kicks.

Say it ain't so!

Don't you...

Don't you hate it when your dress falls off and you don't even realize it because of that crystal meth you just took?

Don't you hate it when you make out with your brother and people insist on keeping the pictures around?

Don't you hate it when you just run to the store for a bottle of Grey Goose and you think you won't run into anybody you know, so you throw on a bathrobe and there's the paparazzi taking your photograph? I hate that! Never wear the bathrobe, just the slippers.

Don't you hate it when you go out forgetting to apply your trowel of foundation and your spackled cover-up all over your zitty face and then you get your picture taken?

And when you wear sandals and people start noticing that you have six toes? I hate that! Although the extra digit comes in handy for math problems such as: Quick! What's five plus six?

And lastly, don't you hate it when you are wearing your thong and your butt looks particularly doughy and white? And yup- the photos end up all over the internet?

Ziggy Stardust

Yeahhhh.

Here I am bitches! Hilary and Lindsay fought over me, now who wants a piece?

Okay, that top photo is like, scary. I swear I'm going to have visions of Aaron Carter's skinny undeveloped, hairless chest breakdancing through my dreams tonight. I just looked into my crystal ball and I see Aaron coming out of closet in a few years. Not only is he coming out, but he's wearing pearls and clutching a handbag. This is true. The crystal ball is never wrong!

photo credit: jjb

WTF is she wearing?

nice balls!

Now I know where The Muppets went to die.

That sweater can double as something, I just can't figure out what?

Posh, your sweater makes me cry. Your face scares me. I don't know if we can be friends.

photo source: JJB

Saturday, October 22

Check it out!

Vintage Vantage is the best tee shirt place on the web. I love them.

Neal Decker's leather bags are so soft and lovely. These are handcrafted and made to order. All the serious fashionistas who care about luxury are carrying them.

Danny Evans is a talented photographer and a super nice person. I heart Danny! Check out his photography here.

Stephanie Lehman is an artist, which is what I studied to be. I think she wants to do a nude painting of me. Such a hussy!

It's Saturday and I'm in the mood to give shout- outs to the people I like. I love pimping out my friends! Check out the links above and have fun broadening your internet horizens.

Mischa is running low on cash

You know whats fun to wear? Pants.

Are you missing something- like pants? I love vintage maternity tops!

You have to feel sorry for celebrities. Lets take Mischa Barton for example. She is barely making enough money to scrape by! She is stuggling to afford her $30,000 a month mortgage. Besides that, she is paying for all the entertainment when she goes out with boyfriend Cisco Adler. Do I need to remind you that Cisco was engaged to K. Stew? Yeah, and she never complained about paying for dinner! That Kim is a real trooper.

Do you recall the days gone by when we laughed at Mischa for dating greasy billionaire, Brandon Davis? No one is laughing now, people. Mischa cannot keep up with the other party girls like Paris and Lindsay. It's time to reach into your pockets and help Mischa.

Mischa is asking for a raise. She feels that she is the star of The OC and should be earning more money. I feel her pain. Its hard to live in a mansion and drive a nice car and go shopping all the time. But when you can't afford a decent pair of pants, its time to start insisting on a bigger paycheck.

Avril Kidman

prim and proper

pale face with Silly Putty colored lip stick

I have reason to believe that April Levin is being groomed to replace Nicole Kidman, the transformation is happening slowly. The two will exchange bodies and no one will notice. Damn those Scientologists! They will stop at nothing!

What happened to the punky misfit who was full of angst and threatened to kick Hilary Duff's ass? Where is the black nail polish and the the scowl? *sniff* She's growing up.

The 411 on Julia

Don't be afraid to cry...

...just keep the tissues handy

Remember when we all dressed up in our oversized button down shirts?

We had some good times, didnt we?

Forget the rumors of Nick and Jessica’s marriage being on the rocks, lets dish about Julia Roberts and Danny Moder! The gossip mill must be grinding to a near halt if people are beginning conjecture on these two. Julia manages to live her life away from the spotlight most of the time and for that I admire her. However, its being reported all over the tabloids that Julia and Danny are in trouble.

The two have been spending time apart since the birth of Harold and Maude last year. Their friends are concerned that all the time apart and the constant fighting could be ripping the marriage into shreds. The pressure of parenthood (even with the help of two full time nannies, a personal chef, private yoga instructor, assistants and a full staff) is too much for Julia and Danny to handle. Call in Dr. Phil, stat!

And like Britney and Kevin, their sex life is really suffering! Its hard to make time for sex when Danny is living in Los Angeles and Julia is in New Mexico with the twins. Now Julia is on her way to New York where she will star in the play, Three Days of Rain. Danny will remain in California where he will take on the project of overseeing renovations to their home.

I think I should create a new reality show aside from my brilliant program, Celeb Detox. The new show will be called Suffering Husbands of Famous Women, and will star K. Fed and Danny Moder to start, with guest appearances by Nick Lachey and Guy Ritchie.

Trouble in paradise

"But I dont wanna have sex wif him, y'all!"

"Me so horny, yo."

Chyna is willing to take over as a wet nurse for Sean Preston so Kevin and Britney can have some alone time. Check out those jugs. Sean could feast on those for days.

Kevin Federline is horny. And he wants Britney to put out now. Aside from watching rated X films, Kev has also been trying to set the mood for romance- or at least a quickie- by taking Britney out to eat at her favorite restaurant- no, not Popeye's chicken, but Moonshadows in Malibu. Kevin asked Botox riddled grandma Lynne Spears to babysit Sean. He then pulled out all the stops including lacing his own shoes and cleaning his do’rag. Nothing says romance like tightly braided corn rows and a swipe of Right Guard. Meow, lick lick!

He then filled the bedroom- remember the photos of that golden palace with Liberace curtains and knickknacks galore- with flowers and candles. Hes been hitting the F Street Bookstore, buying massage oils and flimsy lingerie for his wife. Doesn't she still have that red pleather catsuit from her video?

I want to tell him, "Kevin, its not even been six weeks since she had the baby. Give her a break." Far be it from me to judge anyone but I think Kevin isn't being very sensitive to his wife. Which is suprising because he seems to be really sweet. As he is standing in line at the clubs and drinking beer, I'm sure he is thinking of his wife.

In related news, Britney is threatening to sue over the photos of Sean Preston that found their way onto all gossip websites around the internet. Those were personally professionally done pictures that should not have been seen by our gossip loving eyes. Ooops!

Amanda and Tyra, BFF

Tyra, let's chat about that party hopping trans sexual, Amanda Lepore!

Amanda Lepore, muse for the Heatherette boys, model and infamous party girl, was recently a guest on the Tyra Banks show. Why, I don’t know. Amanda discussed such topics as her active night life, breast surgery and rib removal. Yes, Amanda did have some ribs removed to achieve that teeny waisted look, as well as enormous breast implants and large rubbery lip plumping.

Amanda is hawking her own “virgin juice” which is her new perfume. “It makes you feel younger and smell great!” she announced. Amanda has a doll coming out which I'm sure all little girls- and some boys- will enjoy playing with. I'd like to introduce my own perfume, called Distressed in a Bottle which will smell like freshly printed tabloids and gardenia oil.

Amanda, how was the Tyra Banks experience?

Says Amanda, "Tyra was cutting me off a lot of times, but she was nice. It was, like, retarded."

Friday, October 21

Sienna Miller, fashion inspiration

Sienna combines the Bag Lady chic with Oliver Twist Orphan Street fashion and gives us the best of both. Thanks Sienna, for showing all of us that we too can pair a dress with pants and add some ankle boots and a jaunty cap and create our own bohemian rhapsody look. When I look at Sienna, I hear chaotic piano music.

When it doubt, wear two outfits at once.

NOT the Jason Alexander from Seinfeld

Shar Jackson: "Jason Alexander! Weren't you married to Britney Spears?"
Jason Alexander: "Yup. Bitch dumped me after being married for 55 hours!"
Shar: "That's harsh. But she stole my man while I was pregnant!"
Jason: "Dude, she sucks."
Shar: "Amen!"

Photographer: "Can we get a photo of the two of you together?"

And that concludes the Shar-Jason conversation.

You people are so very right. This particular post should have the sub-heading,
Conversations about almost but not quite not even close to being famous People

Kate and Victoria share stories about rat teeth and pod people

No need to wonder what these two are talking about. Victoria is telling Kate that she never smiled during the Spice Girls days. Why? Because she had a mouthful of snaggleteeth. Then she hooked up with David Beckham and realized that along with getting breast implants and a nose job, she needed a makeover for her mouth.

What does this have to do with Kate? Hold on, I'm getting there...

Victoria informed Katie that for the mere cost of $45,000, she could get rid of her mouth full of rat teeth and get new veneers, sparkling white and dazzling. Victoria paid a hefty sum for her fake teeth and that was money well spent! Now she can smile unlike those days living in the shadow of Baby Spice.

Katie then replied, "You can join Scientology for a very low cost. Xenu has sent me to recruit you and your husband. You can offer up your first born. Or you can pay to be Thetan 7 Clear. You can take a ride on John Travolta's jet. You can have a micro chip implanted in your anal cavity and will live like royalty when Xenu takes us to our home planet."

Surprisingly Victoria asked to hear more about this cult and expressed interest in having a PR fim and lawyers included in the low monthly cost of being brainwashed.

Cameron fever...catch it!

Cameron shows Ellen how her Lycra pants stretch

Here is Cameron at Stanford. She was a guest professor. Because she is very smart.

Cam received an award for her show, Trippin'

Cameron was recently invited to be a guest professor at Stanford. Like WOW! How cool is that? Almost as fun as getting the Tasty Pudding award at Harvard if you ask me.

I thought I should offer my services as a stand- in professor. I could speak on "Britney Spears And Her Nosedive into Whitetrashville" , or perhaps a topic as dense and rich as a bag of coke, "Kate Moss- Victim or Perp?" or if you really want to delve into something to make your medula oblongata sweat, "Kevin Federline- The Man, The Myth".

Aniston Fever....catch it!

Why would I dislike this woman? She has pretty hair, millions of dollars, a Malibu beach house, closets full of nice clothes, is pulling in millions of dollars per film, has several movies coming out this year and is in the pages of Elle magazine. Plus she is dating Vince "Heywood Jablomie" Vaughn. Oh, and her and Oprah are tight.

Jen and I would have a great time sipping non-fat lattes, shopping and participating in lots of girl talk, especially about the size of Vince Vaughn's love stick. But Angelina and I would naturally get naked and tie each other up with leather straps and then drink wine and blood. Next we would plot our humanitarian efforts around the world. Two different women and I happen to fall somewhere in between the gap. I'm the girl next door, but wild and juicy! I love leather and knives, but take long walks on the beach. I drive an SUV but appreciate the thrill of a motorcycle on the open road!

I heart Jennifer. I don't know what else you are talking about. We used to get margaritas and chips & salsa all the time. And then we had a big falling out. And I'm not saying any more.

Note: You are correct. I have the brightest, most intelligent readers of all the blogs out there and you have pointed out the obvious. I do have a subconscious issue with Jennifer. I post about her all time, like some kind of infection thats making me crazy. Is it syphilis? I need to attend an AA meeting this very instant. Thats Aniston's Anonymous for those of you who don't suffer from this affliction.

The Klumster and her bambino

It's never too soon to turn your new baby into a supermodel. Heidi shows off baby Henry Blah blah blah blah blah Gunther Seal Weinerschnitzel.

Personally I like the one of Seal and the baby.

I wonder if they received the Distressed Jeans infant Mobile I sent? Photos of me, dangling from an umbrella that plays Britney Spears songs.

Thursday, October 20

La la la!

If you ask Ashlee about Jessica, this is what she'll do!

Ashlee models the new line from the Betty White Senior Synthetics Collection.

Available at Wal*Mart

Even though Jessica and Nick had a "romantic Italian vacation" paid for by OK! magazine (photos will surface in the magazine in the near future) the two are not actually enjoying happy marital bliss. They are sleeping alone and spending time with other people. Jessica probably logs in more time with Cacee than her own husband. I believe at this point, they only make public appearences for PR. Jessica is more interested in going out with her girlfriends and getting drunk than being with her husband and asking what qualifies as chicken, fish and buffalo wings. Gone are the days of innocence...

Jess will join her "assistant" Cacee and father Joe on a trip to Nairobi for Operation Smile. This is an organization that Jessica supports, a charity than fixes cleft lips. Because Jessica "wants to make the world a more beautiful place". She really said that.

Simpson's rep came up with an excuse as to why Mr. and Mrs. Lachey will not do Operation Smile together: "Nick will be unable to join Jessica on the next trip because of work commitments in Los Angeles." If you ask Ashlee what the deal is- and this is true- she sticks her fingers in her ears and says "I can't hear you! La la la!" That translates to "My sister and Nick are not together anymore, but you didn't hear it from me!"

Wednesday, October 19

Celebrity Smack Down: Madge vs. Jon Bon Jovi

Madonna may flatly deny plastic surgery but being the expert I think I am, how can years of crazy sex, booze, lack of sleep and stress not show in this face? Exactly. She employs an expert surgeon with a steady hand. She looks well -kept and finely tuned just like my well maintained Porsche. Madge is due for an oil change in another 300 miles. And by oil change, I mean botox shot.

Jon Bon Jovi laughs in the face of Madonna and almost calls her a hypocrite. I hate to say it but I think Madonna could kick his ass. Jon says that he keeps his children out of the media, unlike some people….

Says Jon, "She can say what she likes but Madonna takes those kids out to every premiere she ever goes to. I've been in this industry for 22 years and no one has any idea what my four kids look like. I keep my private life private and I always have. My kids don't have security guards outside their school because no one knows what they look like. And that's the way I'm going to keep it."

If I may, I think I can read into this statement and paraphrase a bit. What he is trying to say is that Madonna may not allow her children the simple thrill of having milk and cookies after they end the day at their private school. She doesn't permit them to sit on the microfiber couch and page through a Vogue magazine or even look at People. She will not think about saying yes to watching a Disney movie.

BUT

She will trot them out dressed in their Kaballah finest, invite them to pose in her magazine spreads and will parade them around like snazzy pups at the Westminister Dog Show, all for her own self promotion.

And to that, Madonna replies by asking Jon if he knows where evil stems from and if he is participating in the keeping the beast alive. Yes on both accounts. Grrrr!

Jennifer A. Elle photos

Before the fame, before the rhinoplasty

the vacant stare

empty eyes and wind blowing hair

we need hair and makeup over here stat!

What are you looking down at?

Oh... never wear white when you are due to get your period!

K. Stew in a teeny bathing suit

photo credit: JJB

Were you just sitting at your desk thinking, "Now that I have a photo of Hasselhoff, I sure wish I had a picture of Kim Stewart in a bikini to make my day complete..."

..and then like a gift out of the blue, I present you with K. Stew, in a small two piece bathing suit boasting her pancake tuckus and the most obvious wedgie pick I have ever seen. Not even trying to disguise what she is doing, K. Stew flaunts it!

The bathing suit is not the most flattering, but hey- who's perfect?

Gwyn returns home. You mean she was gone?

Gwyneth P. is tired of the London fog, rain and drizzle plus the poor customer service, and she wants to return to America.

GP fell in love with London when she and Chris Martin began dating back in 2002. They have a lovely home in the city but Gwyn feels something is missing, probably me. I'm relieved she never insisted on using the phony British accent which makes some people cough cough sound pretentious and/or as if they are auditioning for a period movie like Remains of the Day.

She says she doesn’t like the “cold and depressing weather” and the “dirty streets”.
The streets in California are paved with gold, trimmed with rhinestones, and hand sewn butterfly appliqués are on every corner. Did you know that?

Gwynnie, why do you want to move all the way back here? Tell me.

"The street is filthy. Also, the customer service is rubbish in England. People are much more relaxed and things take forever to get done. It drives me nuts. And I miss being able to get anything at any time of day. You can't do that there."

A big Hoff treat!

I get thousands of emails pouring in every day asking for gossip about the very famous, 'big in Europe' David Hasselhoff, 'tis true. Who can forget his Academy award caliber performance in Spongebob Squarepants: The Movie? It had me dabbing at my eyes with tissue, it was so moving, so full of emotion.

Then, like manna from heaven, I find this...you must see it to believe it. And thanks to the superfantastic Manolo, the Shoeblogger for posting it on his site first. This is such a gem, a treat for the eyes...you will thank me. However, I cannot seem to find the movie, Hoffice Space.

K. Fed buys Coke and beer

Note the pack of Corona in the hand next to Kevin. A little something for Britney, perhaps?

It's so comforting to know that certain things never change. As if adding one more baby to his brood might change Kevin and you know, he might...oh I don't know. Get a job or cut his hair.

But nope, he remains the same lovable homeslice as always. Unlaces shoes? Yup! Greasy hair? (with a receding hairline) Baggy low riding pants? Check, check! Five o'clock shadow? Yes! Bling bling around his hairy wrist? Of course!

Same Kevin as always. The simple things in life give me such a thrill! I'm thinking the Corona is probably for Lynne Spears who is living in the newly refurbished Malibu mansion. She is the glue trying to hold the marriage of K. Fed and Brit together. I wonder how its going with Lynne and Shar and the kids and the dogs under one enormous gold plated roof? Quick, get the video cameras in there and start taping! The Surreal Life meets Chaotic, brilliant!

Jiggle jiggle

I don't know whats more offensive, Paris without a bra to reign in her handfuls of boobage, or the scrunchies around her upper arms?

In related news, Tom Sizemore- you know the rough- around -the- edges actor who was dating (and allegedly smacked around)Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss declares he has a sex tape. Yes, you might say, so what? Who doesn't?

Well, Tom is boasting that on this tape is him and Paris Hilton doing the nasty. Paris answers back saying something like, "I've never even met Tom let alone had sex with him!" Because he's not Greek or a billionaire so I kind of believe her.

Photos of the day!

Denise out with her nanny and baby Lola.

I think Denise is taking back that cheater, Charlie Sheen. What kind of example is this setting to Sienna Miller?

Heidi Klum shows off her baby. Meanwhile, the world waits for baby Federline, youngest infant to ever sport cornrows under a size 0-3months do rag.

Why is Jennifer Garner pumping her own gas? Celebrity Rule No. 8928, code #40977 in the bi-laws of Celebrity Behavior, Rules and Regulations clearly states, "Any celebrity caught pumping their own gas within twenty miles of a full service station shall be immediately demoted to a C-list status." See you on the Surreal Life, Jen!

photo: just jared

So, Demi and Ashton got $3 million for those grainy black and white photos of their wedding under the pretense the money will be donated to Habitat for Humanity. Except Mr and Mrs. Kutcher didn't donate the money at all. Ooops!

Bruce Willis is still trying to score with the younger woman. Really, really ugly sock-boots she is wearing. But I don't think he cares too much about her footwear.

photo:justjared

That is one ugly shirt Jessica. And that is not Nick.

photo:justjared

Victoria Beckham proves that you can be partially made out of plastic and still look good in a dress! Way to rock those fake tits, Vic!

Misc.

Sienna Miller asks...

"Please sir, may I have some more?"

Julia Roberts would plotz if she knew...

she kind of looks like Babs!

But people who love people who look like Julia are the luckiest people in the world.

Pete: Stay away from Kate

I hope that's not vomit on his sleeve. Gross!

He obviously has no idea where he left his shirt.

I don't think he's wearing pants.

Pete flew all the way to Arizona with a condom full of cocaine up his colon and Kate turned him away at the door. Actually, he didn’t even get to the door, for Kate banned him from coming near her. Like a dog sniffing out a t-bone, Kate knew one whiff of Pete's eau de blow would send her over the edge and free falling back into the land of the wasted (refer to above photos).

She said she only wants to see “close, positive friends” while she is treated for her drug problem.
She did allow Jefferson Hack, the alleged father of her daughter Lila, for a visit. I’ve written a few notes of encouragement and offered my services as a friend- Ill let you know when she replies.

For now, we all just want Kate to concentrate on recovering and getting over this drug scandal. Good news! The tire company Pirelli will still keep Kate as a model for their calendar. Even though she gobbled up coke like Kirstie Alley at an all- you- can- eat buffet, Kate is still one damn good model.

Madonna and Guy

"Fame is the work of the devil!"

photo: justjared

Madonna wants us to shake it, just not that hard

While Madonna is busy spewing forth her venomous attack on people and their “wicked ways”, Guy Ritchie is in the beginning stages of making a flim about the Kabbalah. He is setting out to expose the truth about the cultish religion, going deep within the underbelly of those white track suits and red yarn bracelets. He's going to blow the doors off the Kabbalah center in Beverly Hills and let us mere mortals inside. I think it might be like selling Tupperware, some kind of pyramid sheme. The Kabbalah stuff really lacks the alien appeal of Scientology, doesn't it? I dont know about this movie. Guy is going to have to insist on top- tier A list talent to make this. I'm thinking Matt Damon, I'm thinking Jude Law, in suits with beards and long sideburn curls.

Guy wants to title the film, Lock Stock and Two Smoking Rabbis, but I told him that would not go over well. He rarely listens to me. Guy did after all, make Swept Away, didn't he?

Meanwhile Madonna single handedly fights off “the beast” by not allowing her children to consume milk products and read magazines. I know, skim milk and Highlights magazine are the work of the devil.

Drunken Dunst

Kirsten Dunst got completely sloppy drunk then showed up at the premiere of her new movie, Elizabethtown. As part of her pre-party ritual, she took a bath in a sea of gin and then drank vodka from her shoe. Pssst. There's a flask of whiskey in her boot....

Kiki arrived on the red carpet about three sheets to the wind if you know what I mean. I guess she didn’t get the memo about the party starting around midnight. Who drinks before an event? Well, duh. Kirsten.

Eye witnesses called her “trashy” and “piggish” and she was described as a “ragamuffin” and my personal favorite, “draggletail”.

Frumpy Dunst was drinking a lot after the premiere as well, tossing back cocktails and getting very obnoxious. She was making a spectacle of herself, really. I wish this was on video. Can we expect to see a clip of Kirsten slurring her words on Entertainment Tonight this evening. Oh I hope so.

Recently, she confided Jay Leno, “I stock up on Veuve Cliquot champagne. I buy it from Costco - cheap there. I have lots of alcohol and no food in my fridge." I seriously do not believe this. Kirsten Dunst in CostCo? And even worse, Kirsten trying to get cheap champagne? Honey, you can wallpaper your house with hundred dollar bills. Talk to the hand.

Tuesday, October 18

Celeb chit-chat

Kirsten Dunst turned down the role of Angela in American Beauty but nabbed the lead role of Peter Parker's girlfriend, Mary Jane Watson in Spider-Man after Kate Hudson and Alicia Witt turned it down.

"If Carson (Daly) was an actor, he'd understand why I have to be away on sets and that if I have to kiss another guy in a movie, I do it. He'd read the tabloids that I was with Ashton Kutcher, but that was a bunch of bull. Then, I started reading he was with a stripper, and that wasn't true. You start tripping on each other for no reason. It makes you crazy." - about part of why she and ex-fiance MTV VJ Carson Daly split up.

Ashlee Simpson says, "I have a big nose, though I love it. I've got a hump on it and everything."

Nicole Richie is considering having laser removal done on her tattoos--which are frowned upon in the Jewish religion--and may also convert to Judaism for her fiance Adam Goldstein.

In high school, Paris Hilton scored the title roles in school plays "The Diary of Anne Frank" and "Annie."Jessica Simpson claims to be a big Shakespeare fan. When she went to London, the first place she went was the famous Globe Theatre.

Tom Cruise, at age 14, enrolled in a seminary to become a priest. He dropped out after one year.

For the movie "Chicago", producer Harvey Weinstein wanted Britney Spears for the role that eventually went to Lucy Liu. Britney was also offered a role in "Scary Movie" but was forced to turn it down, due to concert scheduling. She was considered for the part of Allie Hamilton in "The Notebook" but was beat out by Rachel McAdams. Was also beat out for the role of Daisy Duke in the "Dukes of Hazzard" movie by Jessica Simpson.

Katie Holmes says, "I'm so spoiled. I must have a Starbucks vanilla latte every day."

Jennifer Aniston had a painting displayed in the Metropolitan Museum when she was just eleven years old.

Angelina Jolie's favorite Disney character is Dumbo the flying elephant, she has said that she cried when he was able to fly.

"Every morning I stay in bed for ten minutes to ponder my place in the universe; then I wash my face and check my karma." - Drew Barrymore on her morning routine.

source: tv.com

Louis Verdad fashion show

"Bitch, please! Do I know you?"

Yes, its Caroline D'Amore, slut extraordinaire and pizza heiress from Beverly Hills. Party girl, part time DJ and model.

Check out Jack's wandering eyes. He is either possessed and his head is about to spin or he is trying to look at the girl with the frizz bomb hair without anyone noticing. Well, we see you Jack.

K. Stew, honey- side swept bangs and a layered coiffure would look nice. I'm just trying to help you pick up on an Olsen leftover. How else are you going to date a Greek billionaire?

Meanwhile, Paris dresses as a wench serving up roasted corn and pickles on a stick. Where's her hat? I suppose she is working the Newburg Renaissance Festival this year? I love how Paris can be a trashy party girl one moment then turn around and pull a new look out of her bag of tricks.

From the desk of distressedjeans

Dear Paris,

Who is the girl with the candy apple cheeks, showing off her sternum? Is Bijoux Philips old enough to drink? Is Kimberly Stewart every going to do anything with her bangs? Maybe some time I'll run into you at a party and we can be friends and go to the Ivy and you can buy me clothes at Lisa Kline, then we can make fun of Jack Osbourne and wear really really big sunglasses.

I have a french maids outfit very similiar to what you are wearing. Do you have the matching cap and feather duster?

Love,
Distressedjeans

Dear Jocelyn,

Do you ever look into the mirror and think: I've gone too far...? You are one face lift away from having your eyes permanently closed for good and sewed shut.

I wonder if you are human? When I look at you I think, meow!

Love,
DistressedJeans

Dear Brad,

Lay off the pot smoking unless you are Melissa Etheridge and you need it for medical reasons. Whats up with your eyes? Were you crying? Can Maddox walk by himself or perhaps you can find an XXL Baby Bjorn to carry him in.

And does it ever break your heart to see Jennifer standing at the oceans edge, contemplating her relationship with you? She is crying into the sunset while Courteney Cox Arquette fires up the bong. Just kidding!

Love,
Distressed Jeans

photo credit: just jared

Dear Madonna,

Is Rocco wearing an extra small, pee wee size, all white Kabbalah- approved track suit? Must everyone wear trucker hats or is that just a religious thing? I noticed Ashton wears hats too.

Thanks!

Love,

DistressedJeans

Monday, October 17

Paris Hilton's new perfume and leather goods

Just Me...combining the scent of dirty bedsheets and freshly minted money with a hint of Greek bad boy.

Paris has helped create a new line of bags made from "exotic skins and leather with prices into the thousands!" Calling PETA! skins and leathers? This is just as horrible as Jennifer Lopez trimming her pants in panda fur!

The bags, available in pink, light pink and dusty pink, will go on sale next month and wallets and other leather items will be available next year.

The Butterscotch Ferret

The Butterscotch Gerbil

Long before he was known as the Butterscotch Stallion, a nickname that makes me snort and has coffee shooting out of my nose, Owen Wilson was just another actor trying to make it big. It was several years ago that I met him and Vince Vaughn at a seedy bar in downtown Los Angeles. Yeah, he hit on me but a solid relationship was not meant to be. First of all, Owen was too short and Vince was simply too drunk. I let Vince buy me a Zima, and Owen moved on to another chick. Later that night, I found a note on my car.

I can't tell you exactly what it said but it was signed, "Heywood Jablomie". I knew it was a signature reeking of either Vince or Owen, or that guy Ben Dover. I never found out which one it was.

Nursing mom

I want to point out the obvious. Britney must be breastfeeding Kevin---I mean, Sean since she is clearing wearing a nursing bra which looks so pretty with the thin straps of her camisole.

I hear infants just love the taste of blended coffee drinks. I just hope its decaf or no one will be getting any sleep. What am I saying? They have a NANNY.

We interrupt this gossip.....

October is Breast Cancer Month

Yes, October is half over but I wanted to share a link in case someone you know and love is affected by this. I might have gotten around to posting a link sooner if my own grandma wasnt just diagnosed with breast cancer two weeks ago. Cancer is very personal to me as my mother is a breast cancer suvivor and several other women in my family have had it. I know I'm not alone- millions of women have breast cancer including young women in their 20's and 30's.

Click here to learn more about breast cancer and how you can help, or just to get informed!

Shut up!

MK to Nicky Hilton: "I want David back! Leave him alone!"

MK to Paris Hilton: "Stavros is mine, we are still dating! Leave him alone!"

MK to sister Ashley: "Why do those Hilton girls insist on dating my ex-boyfriends? Aren't there enough guys in the world for them to date?"

MK is pissed that the Hilton sisters are happily dating her cast-offs. Meanwhile, she has been sending text messages to Paris Latsis hoping to get Paris annoyed enough to stop dating Stavros! Catfight...meow! Bring it on, bitches! And no one cares that Lindsay is dating Jared Leto and no one famous or slutty is dating Wilmer Vladeramallama.

Katie Holmes is five months pregnant!

Katie Holmes just backed out of her new film called Shame on You. Why, you might ask? Well, she fears that working will cause harm to her unborn child. She wants to take is easy, head over to the Scientology center and relax in a comfy Lay-Z-boy while she watches films like Battlefield Earth, reads her Dianetics literature and gets her emeters monitored while she attempts to achieve a Level 7 clear like Tom.

Katie and Tom are currently planning their wedding to take place in Mexico. This better happen soon! After all, she is about four months along. Yeah, you can't fool me Katie. A first time pregnancy belly is barely noticeable until after the first trimester.

And rumor has it that Tom keeps a special chair at the Scientology center for his auditing. He doesn't allow anyone to sit in it, including Katie! And especially not John Travolta who has been a little heavier than usual lately.

Kate & Pete together in Arizona

A visit from Pete can only mean one thing: baggies full of coke hidden in certain body cavities I wouldn't touch. Even if it was 14k gold dust cut with diamond particles.

Kate comes down. Thanks for being understanding, Burberry. By the way- that plaid is like, so over!

Pete Doherty is set to visit Kate Moss at the Arizona clinic where she is undergoing rehab for her drug abuse.

Pete actually cancelled three shows of his tour (with his band, Babyshambles) so he could go the Meadows clinic and check in on Kate. Which is totally cool of him. But really, take the drugs away, the drinking and the partying and what do these two have in common other than a few sloppy nights with a naked Jude Law?

Brandon should be dating Lindsay or Ashlee!

Doesn't he look particularly bloated, boozy and greasy this evening? I bet he falls asleep in a puddle of his own vomit more often than not.

Clearly Mischa Barton's ex-boyfriend Brandon Davis isnt aware of the stringent rules that apply to the dating pool of Young Hollywood. Did he not get the memo that was circulated last spring?
Let me clue you in: you must rotate boyfriend/ girlfriends, dating only Mischa Barton, Mary Kate and/or Ashley Olsen, Paris and/or Nicky Hilton, Kim Stewart, Lindsay Lohan and Ashlee Simpson! He is violating the rule by going out with this chick in the photo above. I don't think she is one of the girls mentioned in The List!

At this point, he is due to go out with Lindsay (who is rumored to be hanging with junkie Jared Leto) or Ashlee and then take a twirl with anOlsen sister.

Charlize likes the old men and I mean really old!

Britney Spears and Jessica Simpson don't have to worry about Charlize Theron hitting on their men. K. Fed and Nick are years too young for Charlize to even consider attractive. Instead, Char likes sandpapery lips, colostomy bags and the smell of stewed prunes. It's the old men that turn her on. And don't let her near tapioca pudding or adult diapers!

Charlize says, "If they're hunched over and old those are the ones I have crushes on... real men."

Call her Madge

Madonna is like a chameleon, always changing to fit into her surroundings. But unlike an amphibian, she doesnt blend in- she stands out. Here are a few of Madonna's personas.

Oh, and she doesn't let her kids watch television, eat ice cream and throws out her daughter's clothes if they aren't picked up off the floor - or folded neatly and placed in a drawer with a special Kabbalah approved sachet of lavendar tied with a red string. I call that one Hard Core Mama Madonna. No photos of that one.

The "Mrs. Ritchie" Madonna

The Lotsa de Casha Madonna

Addidas Track Suit Madonna

Pimp Madonna. Where's the rhinestone trimmed fedora, Madge?

Oh I get it! It's the Violet Beauregard from Willie Wonka Madonna!

Brit needs her venti-grande coffee drinks with whipped cream!

It's good to see some things, like Britney's love for sugar- laden coffee beverages don't change. I find a certain comfort in this. I thought motherhood would make her bathe and wash her hair on a daily basis her but - nope. She is still the same greasy haired, cigarette smoking, coffee guzzling pop star we've always loved. And by saying "loved", I mean made fun of.

Xtina

Christina Aguilera and Justin Timberlake during those innocent, Mickey Mouse Club days. By the way, Jessica Simpson tried but didn't make it.

Christina during some not so innocent days. Her hair looks like the brillo pad my housekeeper uses to scrub the pans.

Ahhh, sing it sister! Does she slop on her foundation with a trowel and a paint roller? I'm just curious. With Halloween coming up and all, I need a good costume.

Here she is strutting around with peacock feathers bursting out from her head. First of all, this is for a Pepsi commercial. It wasnt that long ago that she was singing for Coke but obviously she changed her tune. And secondly, I cant tell you how that costume brings back memories of when I was a showgirl in Las Vegas. Minus the shlumpy cardigan of course!

Sunday, October 16

Star wants to get married, AGAIN

Star Jones Reynolds is just tickled pink to be skinny and happy and so in love with her husband Al, known around the internet as Big Gay Al, that she wants to have another over the top, corporate sponsored wedding, this time in a smaller gown with lots of sequins and lace and a tight bodice. She lost so much weight that she feels the need to repeat her vows and proclaim her love for Gay Al, or Gal, again! And again! AL IS THE BOMB!

Star went from a size 22 down to a 12 (I think she had a little stomach stapling down although she says she didnt. Liar!) and feels she is much prettier now that all the extra pounds are gone. But the wig remains! She is planning a second wedding for November 2006 which gives her a whole year of planning, begging for free stuff and jabbering about the wedding plans on the stinkfest known as The View. *GAG* Star, don't send me an invitation, this is one event I won't mind not attending. Although I hear Al throws quite the bachelor party- Turkish baths, anyone?

Paris!

I've met several people who know Paris Hilton and the words they use to describe her are always the same: "Sweet" and "nice".

She looks really sweet here, doesn't she? And I have one more word, how about "wasted" ?

Where are her sidekicks, Bijou and K. Stew? Its always good to have your party posse with you at all times. You need someone to look out for you and make sure you don't get carried away by dirty dancing in front of a big sweaty rapper.

PS. Paris, if you are reading this and I know you are, I love the short hair! Kisses, bitch!

Jen and Vince: young and in love!

Jen and Vince kissing while a photographer zooms in through the bushes.

Count the ribs.

"Your shoulders are like an overcooked hot dog Jen. Pass the SPF50!"

Jen stands before the ocean and asks, "Are you there God? It's me, Jen."

We all know that this Jen and Vince flirtation is just a PR ploy to get us jazzed to see the two on screen when their film The Break Up comes out. This is all very Mr. and Mrs. Smith, enticing viewers to flock to the movie theater in droves so they can witness the blistering sexual chemistry of two mere mortals who have the ability to spontaneously combust while kissing.

Jen is making a show of how she feels about Vince, kissing him in public and lingering on the balcony of their penthouse at the Peninsula Hotel in Chicago so passerby can witness her public display of affection. Jen, WE KNOW. You've moved on. I read the article in Vanity Fair, Ive seen you dabbing your eyes with a soggy tissue, I watched Oprah and I get it. I feel bad for you but not too bad because you have wheelbarrows overflowing with money and you live in Malibu and will never have to work a day in you life if you don't want to. I know you find yoga soothing and a pretty sunset makes you cheerful and melancholy at the same time. You don't have to straddle Vince Vaughn in a restaurant to prove your point.

According to one story, passionate Jen was “climbing onto Vince’s lap, straddling his body and giving him a long lingering kiss”. Take that Brad Pitt! In your face Angelina!

One witness said: "They were absolutely passionate. They couldn't have cared less if anyone was watching. They might be two of Hollywood's brightest stars but they just looked like any other young couple in love."

People gets photos of a Federline

This guy has more money than you.

Demi and Ashton pocketed $3 million for their exclusive wedding photos, selling them to OK Magazine. If you break it down, that’s a huge chunk of change to see Ashton sporting an old man fedora and a super ugly wedding cake decorated with lots of circles.

OK magazine then turned around and offered the Spears-Federline clan a paltry $2 million for photos of baby Sean. What an insult! What they're saying is that Demi and Ashton’s rec room pictures are worth more than Sean Preston Spears Federline? What if they styled the babys hair in cornrows with a weave, would that have fetched more money? We will never know.

People magazine came through which was great because Britney loves to read People, or look at the photographs. The Federlines made a few million for very little work, thats the American Dream for you. Obviously Kevin was in the drivers seat of the deal. Who else would pimp their child out for cash (Joe Simpson, but I'm not mentioning names, Joe Simpson). I can't wait to see Chaotic: The C-Section on the WB this fall!

At the moment both Kevin and Britney are unemployed although Brit is anxious to get back into the studio and start pumping out hits. Kevin is doing nothing but spending their rapidly dwindling money and smoking high quality weed. Lets give him props for generating some kind of income, after all he is selling photos and videos, perhaps even a porn tape will find its way onto the shelves of the video stores. You know what? He should totally start a blog. That’s where the big money is. *snort*

Saturday, October 15

Britney sighting!

photo source: JJB

Britney is trying hard to lose the baby weight she put on during her pregnancy, 40 lbs. to be exact. She has resumed her pack-a-day habit and is lighting up as much as she can to quell her appetite. Britney would rather be thin with black lungs than a few lbs heavier with healthy pink ones. Either way I think she looks great. Kevin's tightly cornrowed hair however, not so great.

One month after giving birth and she is already back to wearing belly baring tops and low skirts.

Friday, October 14

Jennifer Aniston & Vince Vaughn were spotted at Chicago's most popular steakhouse, Gibson's, last night. They were seen kissing over the table, and Jennifer was calling Vince "honey". A fan sent their waiter over to get an autograph on the menu, and Jennifer was willing to oblige. She had a pen in hand, ready to sign, when Vince turned to the waiter and said "We're not doing this tonight." So Jennifer put her pen away, and didn't sign the autograph. I guess we know who's wearing the pants in this relationship!

Source: Caller on WTMX radio morning show /ohnotheydidnt

Paris update

K. Stew will not be appearing in the Simple Life. However, the Simple Life may see the light of day after all. It just needs to find a new network. Tara Reid as Paris's sidekick? I hear she's looking for a new job after E! canned her show. Star Jones, Tara Reid and Paris Hilton all on a show together!

Paris doing what she does best...shopping!

"Does this boot make me look fat?"

Paris, what advice would you give to a man who wants to get married?

Paris says: “Just be good to your girl and communicate and tell the truth.”
“Don’t cheat on her at your bachelor party ... because when guys do that it’s disgusting. Whoever I marry is not going to have a bachelor party!”

So is that what happened with Paris Latsis or are you refering to someone else? And Paris, are you really dating an Olsen leftover? The only thing worse than that is going out in public with Aaron Carter. Oh, you did date Nick didnt you? Oye vey, girlfriend. What's the deal?

Her answer: "I'm single and I'm loving it!"

Madonna! Madonna! Madonna!

Esther leaves the salon after getting her hair done.

Smile! What problems could you possibly have? Why the pout?

Madonna cannot hem her pants. Instead she prefers to let them drag on the ground and get dirty. And then she buys a new pair. Guy is wearing a pair of white pants borrowed from Ashton Kutcher. They all share the same single pair of Kabbalah pants.

Even though Madonna won't let her kids watch television (thats so lower class! ugh!), she has no trouble pimping herself out to promote that new album, Confessions of a Red String. Esther will show up for a few minutes at TRL to play the single, “Hung Up” which I hear isn’t very good. Then MTV will show her documentary titled, “I’m Going to Tell You a Secret” which will give us a peek behind the scenes at last years “Re-Invention Tour”.

The film will also be shown on VH1 and Logo, "the network for gays and lesbians". Madonna says: "With so many highlights of my career having taken place on MTV and VH1 and then with the addition of their new Logo network, it just made perfect sense to air it for my fans on those outlets." I do believe that Madonna is very popular with the drag queens and cross dressing set.

I really want to check out Madonna at her home. Does she help Lourdes with her homework or push a mop around the floor? Does she really feed the chickens while wearing a dress and high heels? Does her husband call her Esther or Madge? How many shots of botox does she get each month? Now this is the stuff I would tune in for.

Rachel Ray

This is Rachel's cherry pie baking outfit.

Yes we all know Rachel Ray. Perhaps you were channel surfing as I was one fine day and I happened across '$40 a Day' on the Food Network. How can one possibly get by on a mere $40, I asked myself. So I snuggled up with an organic fruit plate and imported cheeses and a lovely bottle of wine and checked out what this Rachel Ray was all about.

A few of the phrases Rachel likes to use:

“Mmmmm, delicious!”
“THIS is really good!”
“Oh, yes. Yes. Very good!”
"Oh. Oh. Oh. Excellent. The right amount of basil with just a hint of parsley."

Anyhoo, Rachel is the new Dr. Phil. Not that she is doling out advice like pieces of hot cherry pie, Mmmmmmm! but Oprah has chosen Rachel to be her new money maker. Thanks to the Allmighty O, Rachel will be developing a new talk show and will be appearing on Oprah more frequently this year. She also has a new magazine hitting the stands next month. I can hardly wait! Oh, it's so good!

"People know me for my love of food, but I have so much more I want to share," Rachel said. "Our show's going to be all about taking a bigger bite out of life. I want people to see themselves in this show because life is full of messes and successes, and getting there is half the fun."

Actually living in that big mansion and raking in the dough is the fun part! Getting there is just hard work, a bit of luck and a hint of the Oprahs midas touch. Oh and the pie. Don't forget the cherry pie.

Affleck Speaks!

Ben Affleck wants you to know that even six weeks after Hurricane Katrina, we still need to be reaching deep into our pockets and pulling out magic beans and gold coins. Actually, he said we need to step it up and make more contributions to the relief efforts. Unlike Britney Spears who auctioned off smelly shoes and a sweaty tank top, Ben is donating a Good Will Humping script signed by him and Matt Damon. Did I say humping? I meant to say Hunting. Wrong genre of movies…

Ben, what are you thinking right now?

"I think one of the dangers of great tragedies like this is, once they fall away from the 24-hour news cycle, there's a tendency to think, `Well that's dealt with.” Says the bearded one.

And Ben, are you running for Senator or Mayor in Virginia of all places? You dont even live there, like duh!

"I'm interested in politics and like to be involved with them, and this is all I'm doing right now," he said. "But if you want to be my campaign manager, you come over here and we'll talk about it."

No thanks, but I appreciate the offer. Politics aren’t really my forte. And should you be inviting me over when you have a wife? Ben, stop calling me to come over under the guise of being your "campaign manager" !

Mama?

Jaime wants to be your mommy.

Maddox, do you know any babies that want a hot sexy mother with large mammaries?

Jaime Pressly who is famous for dating Kid Rock during his post Pamela days and also her sexy magazine spreads, wants to be a mother.

She needs to sit down and chat with Angelina about how to adopt an infant because those strict Chinese officials will not let a single woman adopt a baby. Can't Angie give her some tips on how to cut through the red tape?

Jaime was in China shooting a movie and like the Angelina/Cambodia connection, Jaime now wants a baby from that corner of the world. Says Jaime, “I might be adopting. I was surprised I didn't come back with a baby from China. Boy, did I want to. You have to be married there in order to adopt. That just made me feel worse."

Jaime also said she is on the prowl for a man. Like everyone else in Hollywood, she used to date Wilmer Vamalamadingaling. I hear Nick Lachey is always open for a grope and kiss and of course, there's Jude Law who loves random sex with strange woman.

Thursday, October 13

Big Girl Panties

Kirstie Alley will be posing naked in the pages your favorite magazines this fall. Well, that’s almost naked. She will be wearing Fruit of the Loom underwear in a new ad campaign. And her Emeter headgear and battlestar boots. That was such a low blow. Why must I poke fun at Scientology? I can't help it. Surely there's a support group for people like me.

FOL wants to pay Kirstie one million dollars to model their new plus size panties called Fit For Me. Before Kirstie signs on the dotted line, she wants to lose ten more pounds. Does she know about the concept of airbrushing? Honey, take the cash and go eat your Keebler Fudge Stripes! How about if Fruit of the Loom paid you in one million dunkin' donuts? Now that's what I call a deal.

Speaking of donuts, skinny little chicken bone Al Pacino is reportedly dating Kirstie.

Being Bobby Brown on Bravo

My fingers are crossed that Bobby Brown and wacky Whitney will be back for another round of “Being Bobby Brown.” I need some new material, my friends tell me to lay off the “Kisss my ass!” shrieks and “Hell to the NO!” hollers.

What's the hold up, you might ask. Well, Bobby is asking Bravo for more cash. He needs it. Did you see the time Whitney bought Bobbi Krisitina about eighty Von Dutch trucker caps?

The Bobster wants more money and says he will not sign until he’s happy with the amount they are prepared to pay for his behind the scenes antics. What we really want to see is Whitney acting all crazy. According to Bobby, “I'm just waiting. If they give me enough money, I'll do it. They say it's a done deal, but they ain't give me enough money yet, so I'll wait for it."

For the mere cost of $750,000 and a new Infiniti, I'll be happy to provide Bravo with some television entertainment. My asking price very low, go ahead and say it. I'm a whore !

Salma and Jude

Salma Hayek waxed her unibrow and went to dinner with Jude Law and do you know what that means? It means they must be dating! The two of them were seen getting all hot and heavy together and I'm assuming Jude has moved on and is no longer pining over Sienna. Sienna actually caught Jude and Salma having dinner and got upset and pissy then stormed off in a snit. I get in a snit quite often. Especially when I catch Jude with another woman, how dare he? This just proves Jude doesnt have one particular kind of woman he likes to date. He is an Equal Opportunity Dater. From Sienna to the nanny to Salma, he is very willing to sample all the girls.

We can really twist this story around and say how Jude and Salma have been quietly dating for a couple of weeks and Sienna is angry because she is pregnant with Jude's baby (?) but didn't want to tell him because he just found out that he is the father of Kate Moss's little girl. And Sienna isnt sure if the father of her child is really Daniel "James Bond" Craig or Jude and she is having a nervous breakdown!

I'm not sure if Salma is going to be open to Jude's Orgy Nights at his London flat..? Fueled by booze and drugs, those naked parties can be a wild time.

Random Thursday

Shar Jackson is rumored to be moving into Britney's Malibu estate and will be on the payroll as Sean Federline's nanny. Some things are too ridiculous to make up. How wierd for Kevin to be living with his ex and his wife. Get a hidden camera in there stat!

Since Jeff Probst is thinking about leaving Survivor, there will be a job available for someone who wants to be dropped into a bug infested island full of poisonous plants and people eating fish. I nominate Star Jones who was recently fired from E! What would be kind of fun is to let her loose on the island and then..forget about her. cackle cackle.

Maggie Gyllnnhlll is just as cute as a Cabbage Patch doll, all wrapped up in her pink hooded jacket. Is she still BFF with Kirsten Dunst?

Kevin Federline: Before the wifebeater and manpris. Before the fame and fortune. Before the Playstation 2 and high quality weed.

He's so dreamy! Harry Potter will get naked in his new movie. HP will be bathing, just like Brad Pitt in the Jesse James film, and you might get a glimpse of some teenaged booty. You know what? I'll pass.

Really? Do you want to rethink that tee shirt, Anne? A shirt with a big Hilary Clinton face may get some looks on the street.

Orlando and Kate and Jake and Kirsten

Do you know what it means when you go for coffee with a guy who wears capri pants? Tongues ae wagging all over town Jake!

Kate Bosworth will be joining the cast of The Golden Girls. She is currently sporting hair, makeup and wardrobe from the show.

As Orlando spent time in the tanning booth this afternoon, he asked himself if he could really stay in the relationship with Kate when obviously he has feelings for Jake Glllynhlll.

After his blowout with Ken Paves, he questioned whether or not he could go on one more press junket with Kirsten Dunst who smells like dirty clothes and sausage.

The Simple Life? The Simple Wife?

and the new show will be called, THE SIMPLE GREEK

"I love you bitch! Just kidding, I really hate you."

The Simple Life? It's OVAH! There is simply no way Paris and Nicole will work together and now that Paris called off her engagement to that color blind Greek who can't match his Jams to his rainbow blouses, they can't even put a spin on the show and call it "The Simple Wife". I'm sure FOX is pissed that these girls just can't get along for one more season of the show.

Paris, what are your plans? Are you returning to television?

"I'm really excited about my movie projects, my new album and all my various other business ventures.”

Hmmmm. I think if I read into that statement correctly, what I hear is that Kim Stewart and Bijou Philips may be joining her on the show if all else fails. And then if truly desperate, they might call in Tara Reid. Or Screech from Saved by the Bell. It's a toss up really.

Kathie Lee, the new Pat

"When I say I want to 'interview' you, do you know what I really mean?"

pssssst, time to bleach the dentures.

Hint: it's got two cups, shoulder straps and it usually fastens in the back.

Gums are flapping that Kathie Lee Gifford might take over for Pat O’Brien when he is pulled off the air with a giant hook soon.

Ever since Pat’s nasty phone messages, drinking problems and penchant for raunchy behavior became public knowledge, ratings for the entertainment show have slipped. It's all because women like me don’t care for the sleazy used car salesman vibe we get from Pat. And because we know he likes to dress in giant diapers, drink from a bottle and be spanked by a woman he calls “Mommy”.

Sometimes I'm afraid to check my phone messages for fear he left me some kind of weird and dirty voice mail. Once Pat is “let go” from the show, Kathie Lee, clad in her polyester blended career separates from WalMart will be the main anchor.

According to the Enquirer: "Pat is a strong personality and good on the show but his actions off the show may have turned off some women viewers and that's where Kathie Lee comes in," said the source. "Kathie Lee is a strong personality too but her reputation is squeaky clean and women love her!"

They do? What women? No offense to Kathie Lee of course but her cackle, her droopy boobs, her parched hair all send me into an anaphylactic shock.

Scare Wear by Marilyn

Who do you think is the next new face of cosmetics?

If you guessed Marilyn Manson, Ding ding ding! You are right!

The funky, oddball who makes me crawl under a blanket and hide my eyes is “set to launch his own cosmetics line” and will debut his products by the end of the year. In Jenna Jameson's memoir she talks of Marilyn being sweet and child- like but looking at him for more than five seconds makes me cry like a frightened baby.

Marilyn will offer lipstick, eye liner, foundation and his very own eau de Manson which just has to smell better than that sweet, cloying crap that Jessica Simpson peddles. What exactly does hellfire and brimstone smell like anyway?

Sienna and Jude were over months ago!

Sienna...or Kirsten Dunst? Rumpled and bedragged with a hint of anger in her eyes. It's Sienna.

The press made Sienna Miller out to be a woman scorned, cheating on her boyfriend with his best friend to act out a dose of revenge befitting of a Shakespeare play. She was exacting her retaliation on the man who brutally crushed her heart with his wayward penis. But all is not how it appears.

I want to think Sienna had a master plan of accepting Judes apology, pretending to be in love with him, then bedding his pal and “leaking” the story to the tabloids. It's so scandalous! So juicy! Bursting with evil! All to make Jude pay for his grave mistake! But it isn’t so.

Sienna Miller states, “I dumped Jude three months ago. I just could not forgive him for what he did to me. We managed to remain friends but he really hurt me." And then I cut my hair and mailed Jude the clippings along with a ransom note and a bag of dog poop.

The two were living together for the sake of "convenience" as Sienna finished out her West End show, As You Like It. It made no sense, no sense at all for Sienna to go through the trouble of moving into a new flat when she needed a place to crash while she acted through her misery on the stage. Emotions translate so well in the theater. I recall the summer I sang in Guys and Dolls...working through the pain of a nasty breakup with a boy band singer. *sigh*

If I were to be writing the script of what comes out of Sienna's mouth, I would quote her as saying, "Coming home to a cheater who cannot keep his hands off the Ugg- wearing nanny sure beats schlepping my suitcases and boxes into a cold and lonely apartment. Plus it gives me access to shaking a bit of itching powder into his boxers and slowly cutting the buttons off all his fancy shirts. And Jude just loves my 'secret ingredient' brownies although he cannot understand why he has massive diarreha after he eats them. Fuckwit."

Rosie and Elton get verbal

Elton John is glad that Kate Moss is seeking help for her cocaine problem. Poor Kate lost all but one of her modeling contracts. What's a girl to do? Elton believes the media attention surrounding Kategate is a “public service.” Like an ad on the subway for venereal disease.

Says Elton, “They (the media) won't let you get away with it. I wish Elvis Presley had lived in England because if he had, he would probably still be alive today. What this story has achieved is it has forced Kate Moss to get help." Preach it Elton!

And then there is Boy George who is suffering the indignity of having cops find cocaine at his New York apartment when he was the one who called them. Rosie O’Donnell is offering her sympathy by stating, "He's immensely talented. He's a beautiful man. I hope he gets help."

She says his arrest made her cry. I wonder if she did an ode to George on her blog? A little bit of emotional haiku perhaps? Rosie knows Boy George well enough to say he is “"a brilliant man with bionic demons."

boy george with coke
a koosh ball in my
hand
twinkies in
my pocket and a
hoho up my sleeve
he makes me
cry and then
I need to
eat
a
box of
funyons
poor george

I'm not a famous person but..

Vintage Vantage has cool tee shirts

(this is not me. you can see me on the other site. this girl is totally cute but wants to kick some ass.)

Vintage Vantage sent me the best shirts. I received them yesterday, wore one today and got several compliments including a girl telling me, OH MY GOD! I LOVE IT!" I think the teeny waif may have been Nicole Richie or else she was a lookalike. I was at the Urth Cafe on Beverly Blvd. and I was sipping a non- fat vanilla soy latte and people watching.

GO here to check out more shirts. I modeled them myself.

Wednesday, October 12

Demi and Ashton, aint love grand?

I love you, snuggles.

You too, plasticsurgerypuss.

Did Ashton really sing Mambo Number 5 at the reception?

I love a cake decorated in circles, an ode to the almight donut.

photo credit: JJB

Does anyone else think Ashton looks las if he might whip out a trumpet and serenade Demi with a jaunty tune? Or that perhaps he is on his way to pick up some moonshine? Headed to the speakeasy after the wedding? Can brides wear full wedding regalia if its a second wedding? I have so many unanswered questions. Among them: why wasnt I invited? How much did OK magazine pay Demi and Ashton for the exclusive photos? Did Ashton spill anything on those white pants while eating?

Is Demi cold, why is she wearing a scarf? Was Madonna invited to the wedding and if she didnt attend, did she send a gift? Was Bruce Willis hitting on all the single ladies at the reception? Was there a traditional Kabbalah feast..is there such a thing? Were people have sex in the coat closet?

You see, if I was a journalist, those are the important questions I would have to ask. We the people want to know. We care. Do we? No..not really.

Jessica begs and pleads to be in Dallas

Jessica Simpson isn’t quite ready to hand in her wardrobe from the stink bomb that was the Dukes of Hazard. She is hoping to wear the cowboy boots when she heads back to the big screen for the motion picture adaptation of the night time soap opera, Dallas.

Jess has been begging for a role in the movie and has indicated she wants Brad Pitt to star alongside her. "Jessica's had a secret crush on Brad for ages," says a friend. "She literally saw Legends of the Fall more than 12 times. She thinks that Brad is the hottest man alive." Hotter than Nick Lachey, is that what she’s trying to say? You can really read that statement many different ways. I think she's trying to say she's a lesbian actually.

Father Joe Simpson agrees with Jessica- she must get a starring role in the film. It would be just the vehicle to put Jessica ahead of the other young starlets. When you think of great young actresses only a few names come to mind- Kate Winslet, Jennifer Connelly, Jessica Simpson, Anne Hathaway....oh, that's really funny. I meant to say Britney Spears. Did you see Crossroads? A cinematic masterpiece!

Things that make me laugh

You must read this to believe it. And then get a jump on it and order a few cases before they are sold out!

Ashlee S

"Ashlee, give me your sexy, come hither look and pretend you have an ear ache. Yes, I want to see the dimple in your chin, thats it."

"Now lets do a large close up of your face and make the lighting really bad so we can see all the flaws."

Do you want to make the dogs bark and the cats screech? Do your ears need to be cleaned out, or perhaps you need to torture someone. Then click here for a listen.

The woman with the big red lips

Hey, Angie...if you are interested in adopting a fully potty trained blonde haired thirty-three year old with a round bottom and straight teeth, I know of a place you can get one cheap.

Well, not really cheap because I do require first class travel and designer clothes but I'm right here in California so you don't have the hassle of cutting through the red tape of an international adoption. Oh and I do have a really neat selection of kitchen knives and a dominatrix outfit. What do you think?

Cynthia and her girlfriend

Cynthia Nixon and her girlfriend, out for a stroll. And that is all I'm going to say. I'm not going to go on about love being blind or anything. Hey, I like Cynthia's shirt. Oh and Cynthia is going to be a guest star on an upcoming episode of "House."

Jessica + Ricky

is it painful?

The resemblance is just uncanny! Besides that fact, I do believe I can fit an entire submarine sandwich and a bag of chips in Jessica's open mouth. Perhaps even a small drink. Maybe a toothpick too.

Kate Hudson's son has girly hair

Dear Kate Hudson,

I like to bring my Starbucks into the ocean too. This way I can drink my iced latte and swim at the same time. You know how it is. We must multi-task. Sometimes my beverage gets kind of salty. Does that happen to you too?

Now is the part of my letter when I gently suggest you trim your son's hair. Let me put this in plain English: Cut that shit off! He has a ponytail like a girl. Are you in cahoots with Celine Dion to see whose son can grow their hair down to their ass the quickest? Because Rene Charles is winning.

Love,
Distressed Jeans

Pivster and Lohan

Don't be sad, lonely girl. Jeremy's mother loves you.

Out of all the women in the world , Jeremy Piven's mother cast her vote for Lindsay Lohan. Not Lindsay's mother who would be more of a match if you consider the age difference, but Mrs. Piven thinks Lindsay would make a fine wife for her boy.

Jeremy is 40 years old and his mother wants him married. Mom's clock is ticking and she wants grandbabies! Says Mother Piven, "A romance with Lindsay would be fantastic. She's the ultimate shiksa goddess, and she's underage. But I prefer a curvier, more zaftig woman."
Lindsay did say she was trying to gain some weight...

I think we can arrange a game of Celebrity Blind Date if both parties are willing. How fun would that be! I hear Jeremy likes to have random sex in coat closets at parties so...remind me not to invite him to my annual holiday bash.

Tuesday, October 11

Lauren Weisberger

If you enjoyed the mega best selling novel, The Devil Wears Prada, then you must run out and buy Everyone Worth Knowing right this minute. Right NOW. Don't wait! Lauren is on her book tour and you might actually get to meet her and ask her who did her hair color on the back cover because that blonde is like butta!

I just interviewed Lauren who is truly funny and kind. Go here to read it.

David takes over...

Ashlee and David Lee...same hair dresser?

Howard Stern confirmed this morning that ex-Van Halen singer David Lee Roth will take over when Howard moves to satellite radio. I wonder if David posseses the humor, sarcasm and wit that Howard shared with us for so many years. And who will be David's Robyn to his Howard Stern? Im available but must work out of the west coast.

I think David needs a signature sign off and it should be something along the lines of this...

Hummala bebhuhla zeebuhla boobuhlahummala bebhuhla zeebuhla bop!

Fracas at the Celebrity Center

Body guards stationed at the Church of Scientology Celebrity center made an arrest last Friday when an overzealous videographer got a bit too close to Tom Cruise. The bodyguards then made a citizens arrest. Which anyone can do. If I see Paris on the street, driving while talking on her cell phone and applying mascara and eating a Carls Jr. hamburger, I can pull her over, slap the handcuffs on her and call it a “citizens arrest”. Cool how that works, huh?

Donned in all black-with dark sunglasses and black hats- the security team “swarmed the paparazzi who followed Tom to the Sunset Blvd headquarters.” Tom was merely taking a break from filming Mission Impossible 3 and had an emergency thetan clearing issue that needed to be fixed. Don’t you hate it when your emeter goes out of whack?

All hell broke lose when a security guard claimed a videographer tried to steal his camera. It was crazy! It was a wild mêlée of aliens versus street people and then one of the security team tried to arrest the videographer and then even more wacky Scienologists jumped into the fight! Security prevented the guy with the video cam from getting into his car by backing him up against the side of the vehicle and commanding him in the name of Xenu to drop the video camera and bow to the great Elron!

Someone, perhaps even Tom Cruise himself, called the LAPD who arrived with handcuffs for the poor videographer, at this point he had not been cleared to a level two or even a one, despite undergoing a spur-of-the-moment microchip implantation in his anal cavity.

Here's how Greg Laclaire, the vice-president of the Celebrity Center sums up the kerfluffle: "One of our security officers spotted a paparazzi behaving suspiciously and went out to take a photograph of the person for the safety of our parishioners. He drove away and while he was sitting at a stop light the same paparazzi jumped through the passenger window of his car and started beating him. The security officer then called for help and he and his colleagues made a citizen's arrest on felony and battery charges, and held the photographer until police arrived."

All that for a picture of Tom Cruise?

Jen is depressed

Jennifer Aniston is losing sleep and suffering from mental distress due to whats became a bitter divorce from Brad Pitt. Jen hoped to raise a family with Brad in their ginormous Beverly Hills mansion and when the house went up for sale ($28 million), she broke down and cried. There would be no pitter patter of little feet running up and down the huge hallways and through the twenty room home.

The presence of Angelina Jolie aka The Other Woman at Brad's side hurt Jennifer and ended up turning the split in a nasty and very costly divorce. Lawyers on both sides needed to figure out how to divide the couples estate as the two were being bitter and cold to each other. It wasn't exactly a friendly divorce and I don't think Angie, Brad and the kids will be dropping in to see Aunt Jen any time soon.

Jen is hurt, angry, depressed and despite her frequent yoga posing and sunset gazing, she feels betrayed over the friends who practically abandoned her during this time of need and emotional support. In my opinion, all she needs to do is think about being worth more than $75 million and then she can pontificate on how to spend that $8 million just in royalty checks from Friends.

Paris breaks up with Paris via cell phone

source: page six

PARIS Hilton broke up with Paris Latsis in a cold way: with her new man, Stavros Niarchos, listening to her on the phone, our sources say. But Niarchos "will never be with her seriously. Stavros is just having fun," we're told. Latsis's friends are snickering over the heir-head's telling Us Weekly, "Paris says I can keep the engagement ring. He says I earned it." One Latsis pal snipes: "How else did she earn it? With sex. Like a hooker. It's a diss and she didn't get it — no surprise."

Hilton seems happy to be free of Latsis: she celebrated all weekend with Bijou Phillips and Kim Stewart at the first-year anniversary of Body English at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Vegas. Friday night, she caught the Killers performing in the hotel's parking lot. Three-quarters of the way through the high-energy show, a palm tree caught fire after a fan threw a lit cigarette on it, sending thick black smoke over the VIP bleacher section. Hilton and her pals ran for safety and came back just in time for the final few songs. The girls partied well into Saturday morning, when Hilton was heard screaming: "I am so glad I'm single!"

Random

Yeah, yeah! Don't tell nobody that I have Ricky Martin posters on my wall, yo!

Tyra proves airbrushing and photoshop are the key elements to looking flawless.

Sienna metaphorically cuts her hair and also cuts Jude out her life. Brilliant, Sienna. Like a game of chess, you made your move and crushed your opponent. I didn't think you had it in you. And with his good friend to boot? Score one for Sienna. Im wearing my Team Sienna hat tomorrow.

RING WATCH 2005:

"So, like..if we could put one more hour in the day, like couldn't we change how long the week was? Or like, add a day we could call it Jessaday? Daddy says I'm so smart!"

"And Ben really wants to name the baby Matta Damona. I have no clue why?"

But Halloween is still three weeks away? What's with the all black ensemble and the orange pumpkin bag? Trick or treat, Wilmer!

Lindsay Lo

"HELLO! I need service over here! Whats wrong with these people?"

"Lindsay? Its Jude. Darling, I was hoping we could hook up tonight if you were free. See, I've got quite a bit of time on my hands now that, well, I'm single. And I'm into group sex and other naughty things. "

"Jude thinks he can just call me and Ill come running?"

"He's right!"

"Get me out of here quickly! Faster! Don't let anyone see me! Can you tell its me by my pale and freckled legs?"

Madonna pisses of the Rabbi

"This is what I really think!"

"...so thats why your parents should buy every book with my name on it and all my albums. Because if you don't, Ashton Kutcher will come after you with a red string and a white tracksuit and the mean people of Punk'd will chase you down!"
Rabbis of the Kabbalah are not happy with Madge. Not only is she using that horrible upper- crust faux British accent, pretending to be a true Brit but the rabbis have their knickers in a twist because of some song lyrics. According to Rabbi Rafeal Cohen, Madonna is “sinning” and will get “punishment from the heavens” don’t forget the lashing she’ll get from Demi! That bitch is going ot be on Madonnas ass faster than Paris Hilton on an Olsen sister castoff.

So what's the problem with her album you ask? Well, according to the Rabbi, she is profiting from her mystic faith and “Jewish law forbids the use of the name of the holy rabbi from profit.” Yes, she is using the rabbis name in vain. She is sullying the good rabbi in her song and will spend an eternity in de flaming pits of de hella.

Ten years from now Esther/Madge will grant an ancient Barbara Walters an interview and proclaim this was just a cry for attention. boo hoo. An entertainer crying out for attention? No way!

Kate Moss is offered a book deal and a movie of the week

"Where in the hell am I?"

"You know I haven't a bloody clue, luv."

If you are in the know then you could have smelled this with your coke lined nostrils a million miles away. Yes, Kate Moss is being offered a book deal to publish her private diaries. Although she is still in the Arizona rehab facility, Kate can be sure that there is a light at the end of her drug infested tunnel. Upon exiting the facility, millions of dollars will be waiting for her in exchange for her diaries. Everyone wants to cash in on Kate! Even in Hollywood, producers are looking to make a movie about Kate’s binge caught on camera. Its so bad, its just delicious!

Part of the rehabilitation process includes nightly journaling where she scribbles down her most intimate thoughts. And probably curses the guy who filmed her doing the cocaine in the first place. Damn him and his video equipment!

Cheer up, Kate Moss. When you get out of there, I'll be waiting right here for you with a pen and paper ready to ghostwrite the story of your downfall and uprise! You're comeback will ensure guest appearences everywhere from Oprah to 20/20 with a coveted role in a Quentin Tarantino film. It was truly a great PR move.

Tom and Katie update!

"Our evil plan is working! We have them all fooled! May the power of Xenu be with us...!"

When baby X comes bursting out of the birthing canal, all must be very quiet. Katie is prohibited from screaming out that she is in pain or that she wishes she never let those lab freaks impregnate her. She canot even utter the words, “I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ONLY GETTING A MEASLY FIVE MILLION FOR THIS!”

Scientology has a “silent birth” rule stating there is to be no screaming, no talking, no music while Katie is in labor. The infant will not be subject to the routine Apgar tests because in the church of Scientology, newborns are not permitted to be poked or prodded for medical reasons. This is because: “the newborns shouldn't have to experience any further discomfort or sensory experience that could return later in life to haunt them.” IRight-O. I mean, how can you be clear when you have the traumatic experience of birth playing in your subconscious? No wonder why I have so many issues. My entrance into the world was not heralded in with silence!

And then if Katie plans on getting drugs to ease the pain, forget it! Scientology prefers home births with no medical intervention.

Britney and K. Fed update

"I told Britney that she needs to eat. A lot! You know, to keep her strength up."

"I've been up all night with a screaming baby and I'm tired and fat and I can't even stand to look in the mirror! WHERE IS KEVIN?"

Yo man, sometimes a guy just needs to slip on a wifebeater, pull up those sweatpants and hightail it out of the house. You dig?

Shit, theres Britney following me again! Damn that Lynne Spears and her gps tracking system!

Kev can't handle having a new baby in the house or being around a whimpering, sniveling Britney. So he did what any other golf playing, hard drinking, playstation loving, red blooded male would do. He moved out to hang with his homeboys. "What up!"

Kevin packed his bags (well, actually just A bag since a wifebeater and balled up sweats dont ake much room) after a big fight with Britney and took off. He stayed with a friend until both he and Brit calmed down. Or until Lynne could bribe him with photos of him and that stripper from Vegas.

Lynne, the female version of Joe Simpson, was there to smooth things over with promises of cash and fame and a reality show. According to a variety of sources, Britney and K. Fed have been fighting a lot these last few months. I'm sure I would be all up in Kev's grill if I just gave birth and he was out having the time of his life. For Petes sake (not Pete Doherty), Kev’s going to the arcade and drinking with his buds while Britney is home with sore nipples and a doughy stomach probably feeling like she was run over by a Mercedes driven by Lizzie Grubman.

And Britney is crying over her figure. While she was pregnant she indulged in mayonnaise sandwiches and deep fried pig skins along with high sugar beverages and the infamous bags upon bags of Cheetos. Now she is spending a ton of cash hiring fitness experts and a nutrional team to whip her back into shape. Brit, if you only called me I would tell you that all you need is colon blow and large quantities of black coffee.

Sunday, October 9

SNL

Ashlee again on SNL. Spare me! Is there anything else she can do besides try to sing? Like, maybe something behind a camera with the volume turned down low?

Ode to a Duff

Hilary and her very own BBM. (Big Black Man for those of you not in the know!)

Every hip girl has one. You should get one too!

What, no Haylie or BBM? Are you all alone Hilary?

Now that Hilary is 18 and legal, I'm sure her and boyfriend Joel are spending lots of their time...playing board games and holding hands. If you want to buy the debut issue of Hollywood Dog, you will get to see Hilary and her pup Lola.

HilDu doesn't get under my skin and make me want to scratch until I bleed like some of the other Young Hollywood girls out there. Unlike a venereal disease, Hilary is unoffensive and not bothersome, nor does one require a round of antibiotics after viewing photos of her. She hasn't taken a step into the revolving door of men which the girls keep passing around. Hilary and Stavros? No. Hilary and Paris. No. Hilary and Cisco? No. Just Hilary and Joel.

A Poem

Hilary Duff

new veneers but same

boyfriend. I

like you, Lizzie McGuire. Now

get rid of

Haylie.

Pam and Kid: Part Deux

Pam and Kid Rock: Part two! Are they back together again? It looks that way. I certainly admire Pam's ability to stay close friends with her exes. What a great stragedy for a booty call. I have to say that I would chose Tommy Lee over Kid Rock but thats just me. I'm a sucker for the bad boy rocker with all the tats. Meow, lick lick!

Her heart will go on...

It will take a while for Paris to get over the break up between her and Paris. And to get over the fact she won't have both a husband and child named Paris.

She said, "Paris is the greatest guy who ever lived!"

And his sense of clothing is like no other! His style and ability to put together violently clashing clothes is unparalleled!

This is really upsetting! But she doesn't want to make a mistake marrying the wrong person no matter how rich he is. Who will get to keep that honking ring? And who out there is richer than the Latsis family?...one big Greek needed to fill those shoes....

"My heart is broken! But like the song, my heart will go on and on. And on and on."

"I love Paris. He is my best friend, and it will be that way forever. This man treated me as no man ever has!" And did you see the way he wore those jean shorts? Yeah baby!

Paris Latsis says, " She is the most incredible woman I have ever met in my life."

Respectful, wholesome, sweet and innovative with a cord.

"I will handle this with dignity and respect."

"I love Paris. He is my best friend, and it will be that way forever. Now call MK and get the number for that Stavros guy..he's a multi- billionaire!"

Rich men need only apply for the position of the boyfriend of a Hilton sister.

It's been a tough few weeks for Paris, with the breakup of her and Paris, you know. It's tough. Gah! Getting out of bed and having a full course breakfast with bone china and sterling silver utensils, eating your croissants as you ponder how to spend the day ahead of you...

Fred Segal or Kitson? Or Lisa Kline? And then The Ivy for lunch or perhaps Dan Tanas? To use the Black Amex card or just write a check? Drive the Bentley or the Ferrari? Hair extensions in or out? And mani/pedi with a neck massage or just a mani with a self tanning application? Life is just so tough when your initials are PH.

Last weekend Paris showed up at the elite night spot Spider Club and closed the place down while making out with new boy toy, Mary Kate's extra tall ex-boyfriend, Stavros Niarchos who is three years younger than Paris. She's an old hag of twenty three for goodness sakes. The next evening, Paris and Stavros were at Element, groping and grinding. Paris requested the lights be turned down and then asked the club to clear out the bathrooms for her and her friends. I'm sure it was all very innocent.

Kate Moss on the cover

It's too late to pull Kate Moss off the cover of W this month but what they can do it photoshop it to look like Kate was intentionally sniffing Ajax. I think its a great new look for the fall, cutting edge and very chic, a step above the starving heroin beauty. For the longest time the nostrils have been forgotten as an accessory and its time to remember we must dress up our noses as well as our eyes!

Jen hangs up on Brad

"Jen, is that you?"

"No, its Britney! Y'all, my boobs are so sore. And I'm real tired!"

"Are you there Jen? It's me Brad."

Source: London Free Press

Jennifer Aniston is said to have hung up on Brad Pitt when he recently tried apologizing to her for the pain he's caused by his romance with Angelina Jolie.Her friends say she's bracing for the inevitable wedding between Brad and Angelina, who are reportedly seeking to adopt a child orphaned by hurricane Katrina.If that happens, they would have three of the seven children she and Brad plan to have.The big question is whether they'll have a child of their own or just keep on adopting.

Jude and Sienna, part III

The other man

the scorned girlfriend seeking revenge

"I just bloody don't understand! Doesn't Sienna understand that when I cheated, it was merely for a role in a movie..it was research, you know. I'm a method actor! What could her excuse possibly be?"

Just like Brad and Jen, the relationship between Jude and Sienna is finally put to rest. It is finally over now that Jude caught Sienna cheating on him with his good friend, Daniel Craig!

According to the Sunday Mirror, Jude is crushed! He thought he and Sienna were working things out and he was trying quite hard to keep his trouser snake tucked into the safety of his pants. Meanwhile, Sienna was out shagging his buddy. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, right ladies? Tit for tat.

According to the Mirror, "Jude is in pieces. Daniel was one of his closest friends. He can't believe Sienna could do this to him."

It was the driver who told Jude Sienna had been secretly seeing Daniel. Jude could not believe she would cheat on him after the past few weeks of his monogamy. Doesn’t it count for anything that he hasn’t participated in a coke fueled orgy or gotten naked with a nanny in a while?

Jude flew to Spain to comfort himself and probably have lots of sex with random women and pass out. He forbade his pals from telling Sienna where he is staying, as if she would be hot on his trail looking for him. Jude is clearly suffering from emotional distress and exhaustion and should really get a room where Kate Moss is staying. There is nothing like a stint in Celebrity Rehab to turn things around.

Celine Dion in Paris

Where are the staunch PETA people with their cans of red paint to throw on Celeine Dions furry vest? And more importantly, where are the people wielding scissors from Supercuts? Celine, cut that shit off! Your son should not have long, mid-back length hair. That's just hideous. Unless you are planning to sell his locks to the company that makes virgin hair extensions. Always looking for ways to make the mighty dollar, huh, CD?

Somewhere in a freezer in a lab...there lays a small plastic containter just filled to the brim with Rene's sperm! Celine hopes to get pregnant someday and fire up the turkey baster when she is good and ready. Near...far...where ever he is, his sperm will go on, and from the looks of it, so will her son's hair.

Couples

Faith Hill and Tim McGraw leaving Mr. Chow. He must be as bald as a cue ball for I never see him without a hat.

Demi and Ashton in Barcelona. Notice their ring fingers are hidden. Those coy bitches!

Ashton has told Demi, "No more plastic surgery!" I guess we can expect to see her actually looking her age soon. Imagine a world without botox and face lifts and laser peels? I hope he identified what he considers 'plastic surgery'- no more breast implants or no more collagen injections?

Sit down, Tara!

SOURCE: star

Party girl Tara Reid isn't as famous as she thinks. At Beecher's Madhouse at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas on Sept. 23, host Jeff Beecher announced to the crowd, "We have two very special ladies in the audience with us tonight." Just as Tara boldly stood up, Beecher announced the names: Nicky and Paris Hilton.

Saturday, October 8

Random weekend photos

Lin Lo is NOT happy. She's pissed. Just look at that pout. I guess getting in a car accident and wearing a white bra with a lacy black top will do that to you. She looks haggard and worn like Paris Hilton's underpants. Cheer up Linds!

There goes the rumor that she doesnt wear undergarments.

But K. Stew on the other hand, likes to go without.

Why isnt anyone looking at her? When all else fails, get up on the bar like you're a Coyote Ugly girl and shake it.

Ashlee is reinventing herself. She has the dreads and is trying to be a rasta girl. When is her reggae album coming out? Yeah mon. No problems. I'd love Ashlee to get caught smoking pot. No, I'd love to see her get caught doing blow off Wilmer Valdaramalingadings shlong. Now that would make the headlines!

PIE IN THE FACE

Was Pamela Anderson, a staunch PETA supporter, behind the pie in Anna's face? We can only sit and wonder as we giggle about what went down.

Anna Wintour, clad in a fur trimmed black jacket was hit "in the face with a tofu cream pie as she left the Chloe fashion ready-to-wear show at the Tuileries Gardens in central Paris, members of the group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) said.

This was not the first attack on fur loving Anna. Earlier this year, she was attacked by PETA and called a "pelt pusher". And "fur lover" and "beaver hunter"..okay that last one was totally made up and in poor taste.

Anna further aggrevates PETA due to her use of glossy advertisements for fur and refuses to run anti-fur ads in Vogue. I bet Anna just loves J. Lo's line of clothes with all the rabbit and fox and leopard fur trimmings. As for me, Faux is Fine, that's my motto. So please refrain from sending me any more chinchilla eyelashes.

Random Friday night stuff

Nicky Hilton is now dating MK Olsen's ex David Katzenberg while sister Paris dates Mary Kate's other ex- boyfriend playboy, Stavros Nicolopopolos. Revolving door of sex and parties thats what Young Hollywood is all about. In case you were wondering.

While Liz Hurley's son does the pee-pee dance, we sit and wonder- is her hat on loan from Camilla Parker Bowles?

Dave Navarro obviously has a guitar pick up his rectum. Why else would he be standing like that? Oh...right. Colonic earlier that afternoon. Gotcha.

Cameron on TRL. I wonder if she belched the alphabet or farted in Spanish this time? Just don't ask to take her picture or you will be bitch-slapped within an inch of your life.

The Ashlee Kerfluffle Part Deux on Saturday Night Live this weekend. I hope she does that jiggy little dance. The Dance of the Lip Sync, I call it.

Awwww....but can he say "Hummus" in five languages like Apple? She is so young yet so intelligent. That baby shows a real flair for the romance languages.

Quick, someone tell Antonio Banderas that the acid-washed Sergio Valentes are no longer in style and Simon Cowell wants his tee shirt back! Who is Antonio's stylist?

Ring on, ring off

Why is Jessica wearing my grandmothers floral skirt? I owned one just like it back in 1988.

State of the ring alert: ON

These two pubicity hounds cannot stay out of the news as hard as they try which is not hard at all. Now Nick is denying he had a relationship with a college student last month. Ohio State student Danielle Calo is accusing Nick of seducing her at a high school football game. From Red Carpet to highschool football stadiums. Maybe he wanted to take her to homecoming. Or Prom.

Danielle was invited back to Nick's hotel room where he told her that she was "hot" before trying to stick his tongue in her mouth. She says, "He was a really good kisser, soft and gentle even though he was using his tongue to French kiss me. His eyes are so beautiful, too, and he kept staring at me, just like at the football game. We kissed for a long time; Nick would occasionally rub my thigh very lightly. I knew the opportunity to do more was there, but a part of me kept thinking that he's very married, so I was uncomfortable about doing anything else - and I told him so. From that point on, Nick never forced anything, and we never went into his bedroom. He called me briefly on Saturday, but nothing came of it. We haven't spoken since."

Her boundry of fooling around with a married man: No further than second base its cheating and thats not right!

How does this confirm his marriage to Jessica is "rock solid"? Sure, a rock with a giant crack in it. They are the San Andreas Fault of marriages. I wonder what Papa Simpson is doing by way of damage control? I think we need to assume Nick and Jessica are a modern couple with an "open marriage" maybe they are even swingers!

Calo took a polygraph test which she past but Nick Lachey's people are saying the story is "Completely untrue!" Hey, I would be embarrassed to be caught at a highschool football game too.

Friday, October 7

JEN- AGAIN

You have to admit the dog is adorable. How does a dog get a photo spead in Elle?

She has great hair. Not the long, raven locks you can tie to the bed post but nice anyway.

Dear Distressed Jeans,

A while ago, I got into an elevator at Warner Brothers where Friends was filmed. Who should happen to be in there but Jennifer Aniston and Courteney Cox! I was really excited but didnt say anything. I smiled at them and they turned to each other and started laughing, really mean like the snotty, popular girls in highschool. Both of them were rude. I heard those girls are only nice to their "inner circle" and Jennifer is known to be a huge pot head. The Arquette's are too. And Brad knew Jennifer used cocaine too. How do you think she stayed so skinny?

Anyway, the impression I have of Jennifer is that she is not as sweet as she appears. Who knows? I thought you would like to know this.

Denise in LA

Thanks Denise. This really clears things up for me. Questions are finally answered like: Is Jennifer nice? Does she laugh at strangers in elevators? And lastly, how does she stay so thin?

New toys to hit market!

Do you want to play dolls...

...with Britney and Kevin?

Dear Mattel y’all,

So I was thinking. Y’all should have a real cute set of dolls made to look just like me and Kevin and our baby, Sean. See, the Kevvie doll would have the most adorable pair of man-pris and my doll could have braided extensions that kids could play wif! And then the doll y’all make to look like my ma, Lynne could come with injections of Botox, how cute is that? Real small needles for her face, too cute! She could come with her own self tanner lotion too!

Also, the Jamie Lynn doll would totally be cute to play with and then I need more dolls, one for my dad Jamie and one for my brother Brian. Then, y’all could make a really really big mansion and we’s could call it, The Britney Barbie Malibu Dream Trailer! Like, oh my gosh, y’all! How cool is that?

And then we could sell it with Kev’s new album which is comin out soon. The Kev doll should come with removable white shoes and it should smell bad. He needs his own Fresno Kevin motorcycle and mini-six back of beer, right? Yeah!

Oh, and I have the bestest idea. Y’all need to make a pink Hummer for Britney Barbie to drive! And a yacht too. And dogs, Bit-bit, Lucky and Lacy! Awwww!

Well, this is such a good idea, I can't wait to see my own Britney doll like those Mary Kate and Ashley dolls but cuter because those ones looks like trolls with wide noses. Mine will be real purty, like before I got these droopy boobies and smushy stomach.

Bye y’all!

** Britney Spears Federline **

"There is already a Britney Spears Barbie doll but it has proved so popular, there's talk of producing an entire Britney Spears family. They are bound to be huge in the States".
source: IMDB

Sting likes the boobies!

Even Englishmen in New York like some booty in their face from time to time,

right Sting-a-ling?

SOURCE Page six:
Is it still "cheating" if the stripper keeps her dress on? Sting apparently doesn't think so. The soft-rocking singer, who's married to Trudie Styler, spent several hours at New York Dolls strip club on Murray Street in the company of two dancers — but asked them to keep their gowns while they lavished him and his driver with lap dances and neck massages. We're told Sting, who drank only bottled water during the fully-clothed frolic, took a special liking to a blond Slovenian sexpot named Anna. The former Police chief plunked down several hundred bucks to be pampered by Anna and an Israeli-born babe.

Madge vs. Tom in the Oprah battle

"What did you say? Oprah didn't recieve the giant Kabbalah pie and jig-saw puzzle we sent? How about the white pants and hat?"

"Hey Gayle!!"

"Oprah. You. will. be. one. of us."

Which way will Oprah swing? Will it be to one extreme and join the cult known as Scientology with her good friends Tom Cruise and John Travolta, or will she chose a more traditional cult- I mean, religion- and go with the mystical Kabbalah theme and be on Madonna and Demi’s team?

Madonna has been trying to cast her spell over the big O lately. Madge, aka Esther, wants to bring her beliefs to “mainstream America”. That would be the conservative Walmart shoppers and Oprah watchers of the USA.

Esther has been sending Oprah a variety of books and emails, pamphlets, brochures, candles and hats, tasty treats and tea from the Kabbalah gift shop in Beverly Hills, in hopes of transforming Oprah into a red string wearing, white jumpsuit loving icon.

If you have a product or religion, a gadget or a perfume and you want sales to move, get Oprah to feature it on her show you will be guaranteed success. All any of us need for a little acclaim is the Oprah Winfrey seal of approval.

After the frightening horse bucking incident, Madonna closed her eyes, breathed through her flared nostrils, lit a few candles then agreed to be interviewed not with those whiny chicks from The View, but by The Allmighty Oprah. However, it might have been easier to sway/brainwash Barbara Walters, who is only one interview away from wearing diapers. Oh and Madonna will also be performing a few folk songs from her new album, Confessions of a Kabbalah. Or was it..Confessions on a Dancefloor?

Its the Great Pumpkin M. Stew

Prayers are answered, its amazing and true. First cow- eyed blabber mouth Star Jones was barred from walking the red carpet ever again, and then Martha Stewart- hold on, let me catch my breath- YES, she will in fact be rowing a giant pumpkin across a lake in Canada after all. Whew! I was so worried, sleep was escaping me and I haven't been able to concentrate, just laying there wondering- would the pumpkin be rowed by Martha or not?

M. Stew, as I call her, was almost going to miss the Big Pumpkin Race because she needed special permission to go into Canada after her recent...um, let's just call it her "trip". Working late into the night, through blood sweat and tears, those Canadian officials made it happen and was able to grant Martha the “right to enter Canada”. Whew!

"The annual Pumpkin Regatta features politicians, local celebrities and others who paddle across a lake near Halifax in hollowed-out giant pumpkins.”

It’s a vision to behold. A chambray clad Martha complete with her croc skin loafers and floppy blonde hair paddling a giant pumpkin. I can hardly wait! I hope the paddles are created from pumpkin seeds!

Thursday, October 6

El Cheapo

source: Bitter Waitress

I had just started my shift around 5pm and I was waiting on this one family when I saw Jennifer Aniston came in the restaurant with a man. I went to the hostes and I asked her if she could sit Jennifer at one of my tables, because my daughter loves her and i thought that maybe I could ask her for an autograph. So the hostes did what I asked her to, and i was really friendly and ofcourse attentive.

So after the two were done eaing, Jennifer asked me for the bill and before I went to get it I asked her if she could please sign a piece of paper for my daughter and she just grabbed the paper and pen that i held out for her out of my hands withou repling. So when went back to the table to give her the bill she still hadn't signed it so I left it there for her to do. When I saw them leaving I went back to the table and I saw that she had drew a wierd looking cartoon on the paper! on top of that she only left me $3.57 on a $58.39 bill!

And this is how it all went down...

A long time ago, a young man with bad teeth and a jaunty fedora wanted to become a movie star.

He was told to get veneers and lose the dirty Nikes and the Flashdance sweatshirt if he ever wanted to make it in Hollywood.

He was sternly warned about the waxed chest and whipped cream action. No more food fights with naked men in front of the camera if he wanted to make it big.

Fast forward many years .... he approached me to cover for his lust, his wants and desires. As I lay on my goosedown comforter and 4000 thread count sheets, I refused his multi-million dollar deal and a luxury lifestyle. I had my pride dammit! I had my dignity!

Meanwhile, a young starlet wondered what she could do to get a lead role in a major film. How could she get in the tabloids? The fashion magazines?

Our actor needed someone too...someone to cover for him...

This one was too obvious

This one was too hostile. (Plus already married, but that's a minor detail)

this one was too rumpled...

this one was too unstable...

and this one, too vulgar.

But then a plan was hatched. The superfantastic plan!

There was one girl, she was just right. Not glamorous, but wholesome. Cute and smart. She needed a career boost, he needed a beard...

"You want me to what? For how much? How many years?"

She thought about it. It was a good solid contract. Lots of perks. Good money. And health benefits! "Okay," she said. "I'll do it!"

And the actor, along with his publicist, agent, alien world coodinator and the spirit of L. Ron Hubbard, took her up to the very top of the Eiffel Tower and announced to the world the engagement of the year! Or at least, the season.

It was shortly thereafter that a fetus was created in the L. Ron Hubbard Memorial Auditing Psycho-physiological Thespian Laboratory For Thetan 7 Clear members. John Travolta lent a hand and Kirstie Alley provided beverages and fat free snack cakes. Jenna Elfman lit candles while Giovanni Ribisi strummed his sitar. Leah Remini joined the group to complete the process.

The test tube alien concoction was complete! The embryo was implanted! The news was spread all around the world!

Ha ha ha! It's all going according to the plan of the master Xenu.

He is hatching his next scheme for world mind contol: Jada and Will Smith, Oprah Winfrey and those Simpson sisters are next.

(cue evil cackle..mwahahahahaha!)

Brit and Kev, the XXX tapes

Just imagine them naked..and clean

If you have ever wondered- either out loud or just inside your head- what a homemade porn video of Britney and Kevin would look like, your curiousity may get to be satisfied. The two doing the nasty will soon make its way to behind the red doors of your local video rental shop.Like manna from heaven, the gossip just keeps raining down on us today!

The dirty footed, junk- food loving couple made a video of their baby making and it just may go public. That Kevin will do just about anything for a dime! Lets hope the tape doesnt come with Smell -a- vision.

Actually, its not Kevin selling out, its a member of Britneys entourage who is "believed to have copied one of the couple's personal videos." The tape was made while Brit was pregnant with Sean. This un-named person (fred durst, just kidding) is threatening to release the grinding, bumping and pepperoni stick consumption. This comes after Britney announced that sex with Kevin- don't gag- was even better when she was pregnant. And I guess now she's got a couple of tapes to prove it.

Wednesday, October 5

NEWS FLASH!

HAVING A SCIENTOLOGIST!

Tom Cruise's spokesperson, Lee Ann Devette, confirming to E! that the actor is expecting his first child with fiancée Katie Holmes. "They are so happy," Devette said.

So much for Katie saving herself for marriage! Blame it on Xenu and those wacky Scientologists. The birth of the thetan fetus will be co- inciding with a movie release for maximum publicity. Out of the auditing room, into the OR then on to more PR. Is this artificial insemination or scientologistal robotic alien engineering?

STILL WED: Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey issuing a joint statement through a rep, denying reports from Us Weekly and Life & Style that the couple has ended their union. "Nick and Jessica have not separated," the rep said. "Rumors to the contrary are simply not true."
FATHER KNOWS BEST: Joe Simpson also telling E! News exclusively that the reports of the demise of his daughter's marriage are false. "Not true," Simpson said.

ON THE ATTACK: Eminem's publishing companies filing suit Tuesday in an effort to stop the rapper's songs from being used as cell phone ringtones. Lawyers for the rapper saying they also plan to go after karaoke companies that sell Eminem's songs without permission.

FOR SALE: Eva Longoria auctioning off a date with herself to Los Angeles millionaire Frank Moran for $20,500 to benefit hurricane relief.

BENT OUT OF SHAPE: Three dieters who failed to lose weight on Dr. Phil's Shape Up! diet suing the talk-show host and asking a Los Angeles County Superior Court judge to expand their fraud claim into a national class-action.

MUGGLE MILESTONE: J.K. Rowling selling over 300 million copies of her Harry Potter books, her publisher, Scholastic Incorporated, reports.

LATE NIGHT WITH BONO: Conan O'Brien turning over his entire talk show to U2 on Thursday, calling it Late Night with Conan O'Brien: The U2 Edition. The band is expected to play three songs and be interviewed by the host.

LOHAN UPDATE: The Los Angeles Sheriff's Department determining that paparazzi were not a factor in Lohan's accident. The matter is being handled as a traffic collision only.

LATIN VIBE: Bebe, Intocable, La Ley and Laura Pausini among the performers slated to take the stage at the 6th Annual Latin Grammy Awards on Nov. 3. Guy Ecker, Andy Garcia and Eva Longoria scheduled to present. If I'm half South American, can I be considered a Latina and head to the Latin Grammys too? And who is covering the red carpet now?

BRANCHING OUT: Ashton Kutcher and Adam Goldberg producing the reality series Fountain of Youth for the WB. The series is said to be a comedic take on The Amazing Race, per Daily Variety.

SHARING THE MIKE: Regis Philbin and Donald Trump teaming up for a duet of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" on Philbin's new Christmas album. Oh Lord. Please save us now. What's next, Kathie Lee Gifford and Star Jones performing a duet of Little Drummer Boy?

HEALTH SCARE: David and Victoria Beckham rushing their three-year-old son Romeo to a hospital in Spain Tuesday after he suffered convulsions for the second time in a week.

GETTING PERSONAL: Wyclef Jean cutting a deal with HBO to produce and star in a comedy series loosely based on his life, per the Hollywood Reporter.

CASTING CALL: Emilio Estevez adding Sharon Stone and Elijah Wood to the star-studded cast of his pet project, Bobby, about the assassination of Robert F. Kennedy, which he will write and direct.

LIKE A ROCK: Mick Jagger denying rumors that his girlfriend L'Wren Scott is creating a rift between him and the other members of the Rolling Stones after a British newspaper report claimed Scott angered the band by giving them fashion tips and telling them to quit smoking.

TAKING THE STAGE: MTV announcing Madonna will perform her new single "Hung Up" at the MTV Europe Music Awards 2005 live from Lisbon Nov. 3.

All news from eonline.com- I'm very busy today.

New...

Another new blog to check out:

http://conversationsaboutfashion.blogspot.com/

If you like fashion and clothes but are not a millionaire celebrity diva with an endless checkbook or an Amex black card, this is the place for you.

If you own a hip boutique with lots of funky, hip clothing and want the world to know about it, drop me a line and I'll be sure to include your shop in upcoming posts.

The site is brand new: I need to get into my groove and get my mojo going. Check it out and I welcome your hints and suggestions.

It's OVER, people! All the laughter, all the tears..

"Hello? Please tell everyone we are not getting a divorce. Not until my next album comes out. I need the publicity!"

Hmmmm...US Magazine is the first to offer the surprising news of the breakup. They site a list of contributing factors in the demise of this union which I thought would last forever. Among the culprits...

The other woman. oops, wrong story. Disregard.

The creepy, control freak father. Did he really tell Jessica it wasn't time for her to have kids? Did he not like Nick? He considers Ryan Cabrerra to be like the 'son he never had'. Hey Pops, what about Nick? Did Joe have a hand in the break up? Hello! Yes he did.

Jessica's increasingly diva-like behavior. Her fondness for partying and getting wasted. Leaving her wedding ring off. Late nights. Blowing through thousands in dollars. Not returning Nick's calls. Hanging around strange men. The constant presence of her "best friend" Cacee. The whole Johnny Knoxville/Bam Margera blow job scandel. Okay, I made that last one up.

OOOPS!

"What do you mean, I'm a bad driver?"

Lindsay needs to stop the partying and go back to drivers ed!

Remember this?

The Insider: The Insider's own Victoria Recaño witnessed a traffic incident this afternoon involving teen superstar Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay's car collided with a red van on Robertson Blvd. in Beverly Hills at around 4 p.m. Victoria reports she saw Lindsay having lunch at the Ivy restaurant and being surrounded by photographers before driving down the street in her Mercedes convertible where the accident occurred.

Lindsay's car airbags were deployed and the 'Herbie: Fully Loaded' star and her passenger left the vehicle and sought shelter in a nearby antique store. "They jumped out so fast I believe they left her bag in her car," Victoria said.The man who was driving the van was taken to a hospital. Lindsay was also taken away in an ambulance.This isn't the first traffic mishap for Lindsay.

On May 31, the star of 'Freaky Friday' was allegedly trying to flee the photographers when one of their vehicles struck her car, the LAPD said. She told us her car was "totaled.""It just got a little out of hand," she said. "I handled it very well and I was very calm about it and people were actually kind of surprised. I'm thankful that my brother and sister weren't in the car."

*In Lindsay's defense, it really is difficult to fix your makeup, talk on your cell phone and change your clothes at the same time. And if you are trying to do an emergency brow tweeze, forget it.

Celeb Detox Watch: rating is cobalt blue- high threat. Shall I reserve a room at Promise's or will she want to bunk with Kate Moss in Arizona?

If you or someone you know was a witness to the horror of the air bags blowing up in Lohan's freckled little face and want to give me a first hand recap, feel free to write me at Distressedbluejeans@gmail.com!

Tuesday, October 4

Lindsay is on the road to Tara Reidsville

Bitch, please!

According to Page Six, Lindsay Lohan was a colossal nuisance at Wyclef Jeans Yeli Foundation benefit for Haitian children (Angelina, where were you?) in Chicago on Saturday. Lindsay insisted a private plane from New York then cancelled the trip which cost the foundation a huge fee. LL missed the flight and then needed a new charter. Darn, don’t you hate it when that happens?

When LL arrived at the party, she refused to talk to the press or mingle with other celebs. Pouting in the corner, Linds played on Blackberry and made “frequent trips” to the bathroom. I wonder if she came out with a dusting of powder under her nose, a la the Kate Moss Shuffle.

Party's on...for a price

Jada and Will Smith can afford to pay for a multi- million dollar party with all the accoutrements and goodie bags befitting to A-listers. But like Star “Gimme gimme” Jones, the Smiths are looking for a corporate sponsor so they can “afford” a New Year's Eve celebration for their “celebrity friends and VIP guests”…like moi of course! Pssst, and I’ll need a new dress if you happen to be in the fashion biz.

The Smith’s are searching for $625,000 if you want to contribute. A worthwhile cause if you think about it. Ha ha ha!

Says their PR person: "For the first time ever they are seeking synergistic partnerships with select corporate sponsors. This exclusive occasion offers your brand an opportunity to create and solidify unique one-on-one relationships with Celebrities and key Hollywood influencers in a relaxed and celebratory setting."

All for a good cause

You too can now own Britney's previously worn, unwashed clothes! Maybe some include "special sauce" if you know what I mean, wink wink. A true piece of pop culture worth umm, hundreds?

Please let those cooter funk shorts still be available! If there happens to be Kevin cooties clinging to them, even better. Oh, but would that make the price go up?

NEW YORK (AP) - Wear Britney's bra, kick off her flip-flops (complete with foot fungus and a chance of contracting athletes foot!) and cuddle her toy bear - all for charity. Britney Spears is holding a veritable garage sale, auctioning clothing, furniture and jewelry on the EBay auction website to raise money for the Mississippi Hurricane Recovery Fund. (Was there any baby- making on those furniture pieces?)

"This is a great opportunity to get some cool (and rare) Britney items while contributing to a very important cause!" says a posting on Spears's website.

Items include a white stone bra (now grayish brown, never washed) worn in one of her videos, a pair of blue-pink jeans (never been washed!) with a pink suede buckle belt, and an autographed I Have the Golden Ticket burgundy tank top (armpits carry Britney's odor, not like Fantasy or Curious, more rancid and sour!) with an arrow pointing down. The auction, which opened Saturday, continues this week, with proceeds going to the Britney Spears Foundation to help hurricane victims.

Tom & Katie Sighting...

photo credit: JJB

Tom and Katie are alive and well and living life exactly like Xenu has deemed appropriate, quietly trying to convert random people at soccer games and such. I was really disappointed when Tom Cruise didnt show up for the "Out of the Closet and Into the Auditing Room" speech and was hoping to discuss the "Saunas and EMeters, How to Clear Your Mind and Your Thetans" discussion held by Katie Holmes.

In the above photo, Tom and Katie cheer on Tom's daughter, Isabel at a soocer game. Katie wears a huge cowl neck sweater to cover up the L. Ron Hubbard tattoos and the micro- chip implantation site.

Have no fear people, either Tom or Katie will be on a press junket shortly and will be in the pages of the magazines, on Oprah and on every news channel from here to Xenadu. Have you missed those crazy and kooky Scientologists? I know I have. Life is always more fun with a bit of alien spice!

Kimora Lee

Baby Phat? How about Phat Phace?

I'm sure Kimora is like, really sweet and down to earth and umm, really like..kind and stuff but that is not a flattering photo and I can barely see the perfume bottle she is hawking through the long, opaque pink talons. Perhaps I should cut her some slack, for she may very well be coughing up a hair ball. She is part leopard you know. Meow!

Bad Hair Day?

Hey David Beckham? Donald Trump called. He loves your hair style. Comb-over Du Jour de la Trump.

"Everything I touch turns to gold. Even the hair of the soccer player from England. "

Quote of the day!

"She is vulgar and not even pretty. The Hilton's. They have nothing."

-Valentino

Monday, October 3

A family blessing...

Don't get too excited Angie, Brad's mother doesn't want to meet you.

Monstersandcritics- Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are reportedly throwing a lavish "family blessing" for the actress's two adopted children. Sources say the Hollywood couple are splashing out 1.2million on the extravagant bash for four-year-old Maddox and baby Zahara to welcome them to America. WELCOME to your million dollar lifestyle kids! Nannies and cooks and gardeners and housekeepers galore. With plenty of toys for a third world country and lots of cool gadgets and doodads for you to play with not to mention an enormous chauffer driven car and your very own Land Rover custom built for preschoolers!

A source is quoted as saying: "Angie wanted a christening for the children but didn't want to tie them down with any particular dogma, so she decided on a family blessing."

Brad, who is a fan of architecture, is said to be designing a Buddhist-style temple for the blessing, which will stand in the grounds of his Malibu home. Meanwhile, Angelina is reportedly flying in musicians from Phnom Penh in Maddox's native Cambodia and from Zahara's home country Ethiopia.

She is also having special commemorative jewellery made for her children - dog-tags set with a sapphire for Maddox and a pink diamond bracelet for Zahara. However, as well as treating her own kids, the generous actress will also give some of the party budget to charity organizations in her son and daughter's home countries.

Last week, it was revealed Angelina quitting her UK home to move in with Brad.
Sources claimed the stunning actress is putting her countryside mansion on the market for £21million and moving into her lover's Malibu mansion.

Note to Angie: Don't forget my invite and I would love a goodie bag! I'm partial to amethysts but wouldn't mind a pink jewel, preferably paired with white gold!

Ashlee turns 21!

What a lovely family. I think Jessica looks great with that dopey expresion and Pa Simpson's double chin is ravishing!

After clawing his forehead, Ashlee and Wilmer pose for a birthday picture.

Cheers! I can legally drink now bitches, partys on!

What a host of pigeons can do to your hair- snarls and knotted, teased and messed.

The Botticelli picture. Like a beautiful portrait but ugly.

Ooops! You caught us doing the ol' Kate Moss Cocaine shuffle!

Ashlee Simpson recently celebrated her 21st birthday at Pure in Las Vegas. I wasn't invited, merely an oversight I'm sure. Or perhaps she's still angry how I made fun of that dorky little jig she did on SNL after the lip syncing kerfluffle. Either way, I sent along a really nice gift, a Hilary Duff cd with a poster of Lindsay Lohan!

Star Jones - again

Is it me or does Star Jones's head look freakishly large? It's probably me. I've been drinking margaritas and doing vodka shots again. And my eyes are playing tricks on me because girlfriend has more bumps than a NJ state highway. I think I see a few bulges too.

Look, my body isn't perfect. I mean, it's really close but it's not completely without flaw. However, I question why someone with a few rolls of jelly belly chooses to wear a form fitting dress? Where is the stylist? The rope around her neck needs to be tighter. And the tiara? I know it's a Cinderella party but, come on Star. Add a feather boa and a merkin and be done with it.

Its over!

DONE. Over. Finished. No mas. FINITO

It's official, they are no longer married. I will be wearing black and lighting candles all week to mourn the loss of the Golden Couple. It's going to be hard but...I think I'll be able to hang on. Dont you agree, its only a matter of time before Angelina Jolie Voight Miller Thorten adds a Pitt to her last name. And then it will be poppy fields and unicorns once again, you know, happy stuff. Or rather bat blood, vials of snake venom, machetes and wierd sex toys...

If you can't stand it, if you MUST MUST MUST see the inside of Brad and Jen's huge mansion that took years of renovating, then go here and be sure to do the flash tour. Jen hated Brad's taste and he had a big hand in the architecture and detail of the home. It's a bit small, only eight bathrooms, but I suppose I could live there. Does anyone want to buy it for me? Hardy har har.

Sunday, October 2

Random...

"Like, Holy Toledo! It's Renee Chesweger!"

"No, that woman over there, her boobs are bigger."

Somethings funny but the guy to the right is not amused. Who do these Hollywood actors think they are?

Olsen sighting! Green flip flop alert. Big jacket with summer shoes? What an oxymoron! Is she cold or hot?

Tori is sooo much happier since she dumped Charlie for that other guy. Charlie seemed a little cocky and not so friendly when I ran into her a few months ago.

Tori and her cowboy boots take a stroll with her new man, Dean McDermott.

Wild Girl no more...

"The 'wild girl' reputation is hurting my career!"

Fire up the Xanax and get the sedatives ready, Tara Reid is headed for a breakdown. Her show, a train wreck of drunken orgies and Tara participating in various stages of partying, is being cancelled. Much like Star Jones exit from the Red Carpet, this comes as a shock and Im on heavy meds to get me through the day.Tara has fired her publicist and has moved back to New York, is in the midst of an early mid-life crisis.

She questions where she went wrong in her career? She was busy at her Bible study, quilting bees and prayer circles, so why is she being portrayed as a drunken lush, party girl and in her own words "a retard" ?

Let's take a look back at her conservative lifestyle and see where those horrible rumors have originated...

"I thought 'Taradise' was going to help me . . . I wanted to show the whole world the truth — I'm fun . . . But do I think it was cut like that? No. It could have been a better show . . . I didn't want to look like a total party-girl drug retard. I think the shots they show aren't fair."

"People think I am just a party girl and it's bullshit!"

"I'm a good person who is cleaning up her act. I am getting older, and I want different things in my life. I want to get married and have kids."