Perm courtesy of Ogilve, tight pants from Wrangler, flowered shirt from the Kathie Lee collection, small penis courtesy of steriod use.
Sylvester Stallone is making yet another Rambo movie and also another Rocky film. He is about 74 years old and may need some diapers on set and an extra pair of dentures, probably a wig and also a long afternoon nap followed by prune juice and a menthol rub. Rambo 13th will see hero John Rambo searching for a missing child. The Rocky movie will also star Dolph Lundgren will have AIDS in the film. Sly's mother, fortune- teller Jackie, who likes heavy cosmetics, vodka and false eyelashes, told her son he must make more movies or else!
You see, the world simply cannot continue to rotate on its axis without a couple more Sylvester Stallone movies. The key to world peace obviously lies within Rambo and Rocky. Sylvester, please save us!
Britney to write book!
Above is a photo of Britney getting off her private plane. She cannot carry her diaper bag or her son, Sean. But what she can do is pen a book based on the teachings of Kabbalah. Yes, its true.
Like Madonna before her, Britney is going to create a magical childrens book! It will be called "The Mystical Cornrows of Skidmark Boy!" And it will have lovely illustrations of a dirty boy with tightly braided hair and a pack of cigs in his pocket who has no money but a stick of pepperoni. Order your copy now!
Alec to Kim: You're a psycho!
Alec “Shweaty Balls” Baldwin is spreading nasty rumors about Kim Basinger, telling everyone that she is cuckoo and a liar and a wack job and a freak and is like a nasty virus. Why is he doing this? Because Alec and Kim are in a bitter custody battle over their 10-year old daughter, Ireland.
Alec feels that Kim is alienating Italy from him, for example, Kim is not allowing England to fly with Alec because she feels she can better protect Spain from terrorists at the airports. Furthermore, Alec is too dumb to help Germany with her fourth grade homework. Even though MENSA has been begging
me for years to be a member and I have a doctorate degree in advanced reptilian science, I
could not complete fourth grade math homework without a calculator and a Xanax while sipping straight vodka.
Alec who is looking quite bloated lately, is requesting that Kim get a full evaluation of her psychological well being. He strongly feels that Kim to unfit to parent little Argentina. On the other hand, Alec is no walk in the park. He has a horrible temper and is prone to drinking too much bourbon. Plus, his brother Daniel Baldwin is scary.
Paris Hilton's song
This songs for you
I hope Nicole is ready for the release of Paris Hilton's album! Because Paris has written a song explaining what went down with Ms. Richie and I cannot wait to find out what the deal is. Can you? I know we have all been holding our breath for the new album, due out in December. Clever marketing- right in time to stuff the holiday stockings of all your close friends and relatives.
I think the song is titled, “You're a bitch, Bitch
!” The lyrics go on to explain Paris’s deepest feelings about Ms. Richie: how Nicole would have never been famous without the help of Paris and how Nicole is a bobblehead and a copycat. Apparently, Paris dictated the lyrics to a transcriber since she cannot hold a pen or write full sentences. Besides having a personality disorder, Paris is not literate.
Nicole refuses to discuss what went down with Paris, but says the two have not been speaking at all and hints that Paris is a big mouthed whore. You don’t need an album to read between those lines.
MKs return to acting!
Mini mogul Mary Kate will be returning to the big screen and I say this is long overdue! I've been on pins and needles since her brilliant comedic turn in "Billboard Dad". And now MK has signed on to star in the Edie Sedgewick biopic with Sienna Miller! This is worth waiting for. Thank goodness Mary Kate dropped out of NYU or else who would star along with Sienna? Tara Reid? Please!
The girls will no doubt share in how and where they find their oversize rags, inake of coffee enemas and their recreational drugs of choice. Fun!
Paris is dressed as a slutty heiress on Halloween weekend! Note the clip-on extensions. Excellent costume. Two thumbs and a penis up!
Oh, let's see..Paris is dressed as Pebbles Flintstone who fell into a vat of glitter while Nicky is dressed as the policeman from the Village People.
Madonna to Gwen, "You are a cheap imitation of moi!"
Madonna things that Gwen Stefani is unoriginal and has copied her in every way. Says Esther, "She ripped me off. We work with a lot of the same people. She married a Brit, she's got blonde hair and she likes fashion."
What? Is someone being a bit narcissistc? Madonna, I hate to tell you this, but there are tons of people in the world who have blonde hair and like fashion…ahem
And I don’t see Madge with her own line of clothing. Not yet anyway. I hear Love Angel Kabbalah Baby is in the works. Demi and Ashton will be the spokesmodels and will be given stiff competition from the Scientology camp who are at this minute designing their own clothing line, Xenu Mizrahi for Target.
Swinging is fun!
Nicole Richie swings on the beaches of Santa Monica
Weeeeeee! We have lift off!
If Nicole loses any more weight, she will need to be strapped into a baby seat. And then DJ AM can carry her around in a front pack carrier like Zahara Jolie.
Ring watch: ON
Jessica...I have to tell you, the clothes aren't working for me. Quite frankly, I feel you might appear in the audience of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour and start hooting along with the You Might be A Redneck jokes...
The constant cowboy hat headwear, the jeans tucked into the cowboy boots...we get it. You're from Texas. I'm from New Jersey and you don't see me sporting teased bangs and long acrylic nails do you?
This is the woman who was the recipient of the sought after Best Cleavage title. You might find her straddling a mechanical bull at The Rusty Spur tonight.
Jennifer Garner on the set of Alias wearing slippers and a wig. Obviously!
Ben Affleck rocks the Fu Man Chu facial hair- style. I've seen him bearded, bloated, boozy, unshaven, shaven, clean, dirty, rumpled. But most often his look includes the popular Starbucks cup accessory and sweat pants. ((YAWN)) Ben, get arrested or something, you are boring us. Imagine if Jen popped out Matt Damon's baby? Now that would be news worth reading.
Ashley Olsen covers up.
Ashley, it's not that hot outside! Personally, I prefer to keep my woolen horse blankets in the closet until December.
What? Oh, it's Benedictine Monk coverup. She is turning over a new leaf. Celibate, quiet and peaceful, introspective. I guess this means she won't be showing up at the nightclubs anymore?
Brad eats! And the world watches!!
Brad eats: present tense
Brad shows us the proper way to eat a partial loaf of French bread: past tense.
One thing is clear, Brad likes his carbs. How could the relationship work out with Jen when she only eats 10% of her diet from carbohydrates? See, it was doomed from the beginning.
On the other hand, Angie enjoys heaping bowls full of Special K, as seen in photos of her leaving the grocery store recently. I did a high resolution scan of her grocery bags and determined that she consumes cereal. This is breaking news, I know. And the photos of Brad with his pasta bowl? Priceless. I believe he enjoys the occasional meal of Spaghetti O's.
Nicky wears teeth!
evidence no. 2
Check out Nicky Hilton's tooth necklace, titled evidence no. 1. Then, please note former childhood actor turned salesman, Corey Haim selling his tooth as well as some questionable body hair, evidence no. 2.
I have reason to believe Nicky was the highest bidder in the Corey Haim tooth selling on Ebay, and she actually made a necklace from her winnings! But what we want to know is- what did she do with the baggie full of curly hair?
LOLA Von SIMON DOONAN
This is Lola Von Simon Doonan
. She enjoys martinis and Pucci prints. Lola is also partial to biting slippers and cuddling with her pashminas.
I am adopting a GREAT DANE PUPPY. I am insane. Therefore I am taking a day off, maybe two. If you know anything about training a puppy, I need all the help I can get. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Jeannette Walls, The Glass Castle
She grew up dirt poor, moving around from Arizona to Nevada to West Virginia. Her parents never held jobs and at one point, her father offered her up to the winner of a game of pool. Any money the family had went towards paying for her fathers booze and her mothers painting supplies. Jeannette Walls spent many years sleeping in a cardboard box and eating things like popcorn for a straight week because the family did not have money for anything else. She picked through the bins at school for discarded lunches and washed her face in the snow because they did not have running water. They did not have a flushing toilet or a working oven or insulation or any of the basic necessities that I couldnt live without. Not only did Jeannette survive her past but came to terms with it, accepted it and has become very successful. The book is honest and is written without a shred of anger towards the parents who couldn't give their children hot lunches and warm beds.
It's a truly inspiring memoir that is a must read. The Glass Castle would have to be my pick for best book of the year. So if you can only find the time to read one book, let this be it.
Jeannette and I did an interview, you can read it here.
Nicole Richie: Different
I've been waiting forever
for Nicole Richie to come out with her own bottled stink water and the day has finally arrived! Will the bottle be shaped like enormous sun glasses? Or will each purchase include a pair?
Nicole’s perfume will feature a lovely blend of lavendar and ginger. It will be called Different
. Which is much more catchy than calling it Same
. Different than what? Different than Paris Hilton's perfume which need I remind you, smells like dirty bed sheets and money. And Tom Sizemore's sweat. Nicole's perfume will also offer subtle undertones of colon blow and cocaine. Delicious! As an added bonus, it will curb your appetite. OH THAT WAS SO MEAN.
How can Paris go out in public knowing she had sex with Tom Sizemore of all people. He's old and chunky and rough and dated Heidi Fleiss and beat her up. He does drugs and drinks. Surely he is not compatible with an heiress like Paris.
The proof! They were together after all. Why does Paris have her pinkie in her mouth? By the way, I love a good shadow hand puppet. Is it a dog?
Teen People has given Paris Hilton the title "Queen of the Celebrity Egos". Said Paris, “By channeling my inner heiress, I created a new opportunity for young heiresses.” And all of us heiresses thank you for that Paris! What would we do without your help?
Meanwhile, I was really hurt on behalf of Paris when Tom Sizemore came forward and said he made a sex tape with Paris. How dare he! Surely her taste in men isn’t that bad. But since that fateful day when Tom announced the video of their sex romp would be available for the low price of $19.95 via Vivid Entertainment, a photo of Paris and Tom was released and has been circulating the internet this past week. I'm rethinking this whole thing.
Sizemore says that he and Paris were at a party where she suggested they sleep together. She was waiting for him, alone and naked in his home gym where he followed the sounds of a cigarette lighter, finding a willing Paris ready for her workout. Wink wink.
As if that’s not enough to cause Paris to go into hiding, Paris is being sued by ex-fiance Paris Latsis’ ex- girlfriend, Zeta Graff. Zeta has filed a defamation suit against Paris saying Ms. Hilton made up stories about her that appeared in the New York Post. Zeta is asking for $10 million to compensate for defamation of character. In the lawsuit, Zeta indicated that Hilton “threatened to destroy her”.
How is Paris Hilton’s PR people going to handle all of this? I say go with the mentally unstable angle.
Kevin is walking on thin ice
The ladies love K. Fed. Or so he thinks
Hey bitches! You want some K. Fed?
Britney is totally cranky and rightfully so. With a full time staff of six to help care for Sean Preston and her gigantic home, she is left to supervise her husband which requires the assistance of at least two full time helpers, a bodyguard and a banker for her rapidly dwindling account.
No wonder why Britney spouted off and told Kevin he is a terrible singer. Don’t give up your day job, Kev- wait- he doesn’t have one. Unless you count the multi million dollar dance studio he is said to be opening up with Michael Jacksons father.
Kevin brought home music he recorded in the studio and played it for Britney who burst out laughing. “Kevin, that is the worst dang shit I’s ever heard!” she proclaimed through a mouthful of her Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf mocha.
Britney informed Kev that he might sell a handful of cd’s out of the back of his Infiniti in the parking lot at Wal Mart if he threw in a free tee shirt. Naturally Kevin was crushed. Wal Mart? She should have said The Palms Hotel and Casino which is where Kevin likes to play.
I understand where the harsh words are coming from. While Britney (and her staff) was home taking care of newborn baby Sean, Kevin was out getting his hair braided for two hours. Then he took off to the nightclub Mood, where he danced the night away. Britney is getting tired of Kevin’s behavior and Lynne Spears is doing her best to keep the family together but one woman can only do so much. If Kevin doesn’t get his shit together, I fear Britney will be signing divorce papers before his debut cd hits the stores.
Pam will retire her bosoms
This is Pam's idea of prim and proper. I guess the buttons don't go all the way up?
Pamela is putting her famous chest away for good. There will be no more low cut dresses and half shirts, no more scanty outfits show casing her assets. I suppose this means she will no longer pose for Playboy?
Recently Pammy showed up at a Hollywood party dressed very "prim and proper" in tweed. She said, “I'm 38 and I don't need to get it out any more. My mom told me I've got beautiful eyes and a beautiful smile, that's what a man wants to see."Actually most men just want to see your huge boobs. Does this mean she will get her implants taken out and be a beautiful but small chested woman? Now there's a radical idea.
Ashley's Drug Scandal!
"I dont do drugs!"
"But I do!"
The National Enquirer has issued an apology to Ashley Olsen for insinuating she was part of a drug ring concerning her ex-boyfriend, Scott Sartiano. Is he Greek?
Ashleys face was plastered all over the cover of the tabloid with bold letters "Ashley Olsen Caught In A Drug Scandal"
The Enquirer did some backpedaling on this one and issued a statement saying: "The article concerned certain legal proceedings involving Scott Sartiano and did not in any way accuse Ms. Olsen of being involved in those proceedings or of being involved in any drug scandal or any association with any type of illegal drugs. The National Enquirer wants to make clear to its readers that, by its cover and headlines, it did not intend to accuse Ms. Olsen of being involved in any drug scandal."
I think we know the truth here don’t we?
New book about Trump
Donald Trump is steaming mad over a new unauthorized biography. His Royal Trumpness feels “betrayed” by author Timothy O”Brien who blows the doors off Donald's hush- hush affair with actress Robin Givens. Incidentally, she dated Brad Pitt. Donald says he did not have an affair with Robin however he once bedded Brad. Just kidding!
Timothy takes “cheap shots” at ex-wife Marla Maples and writes that Donald is not a billionaire as we all think. He only has $99,999,999.99 in the bank. And at one point during his career Trump had to borrow money from his siblings. Donald insists the book is pure crap and doesn't want us to read a word of it. He says, “The book is not a very good book. Tim's not a very good writer." What I want to know is: does Donald really crap out solid gold bricks to match his decor? I think we all need an answer to this question that has been plaguing us for years.
Xenu would be proud
Hand me a tissue, this news made me weep! Apparently Tom Cruise is asking Katie Holmes to sign a pre-nup. And like me, poor Katie had to choke back the tears. You see, Tom is just protecting his assets. No, she will not be allowed to sit in his special recliner at the Scientology Center during her assists. That big leather chair with the built- in back massager is only for Tom. But Katie will get a very generous check after five years of marriage. And the figure doubles at the ten year mark. Its his standard contract which Nicole Kidman signed many years ago. Nicole couldn’t manage to hang on until their ten year anniversary or she would have hit pay dirt and then she could have lived out the rest of her life in first class luxury- as if she doesn't already.
Speaking of Nicole, rumors persist that she is upset over Katie having Tom’s child. Nicole and Tom had a special bond because of their two adopted children. But now Katie is going to give birth to Tom’s biological child (we wonder about that) and this has sent Nicole into the closet with a box of Oreos and a Hersheys candy bar.
And Tom is one step closer to converting Posh and Becks into his cult! All they have to do is donate a large sum of money to the center and they will be accepted. No red strings or white track suits necessary but they will have to undergo an intense fourteen day period where they cut off all contact with their non-Scientology friends. And of course, they must agree to have the micro- chip implantation. And the Thetan Butt Plug, my personal favorite.
Tell me more
No, I cannot go one day
without writing about Angelina, Brad or Jennifer. Each day one of these people is making headline news. Jennifer is upset over Brad and Angelina’s upcoming wedding, reportedly to take place around Thanksgiving. WOW, Brad moved on fast. Isn't there a mourning period after a divorce? Apparently not. And while Brad and Angie enjoy being tied up with duct-tape and gagged with fuzzy tennis balls, Jennifer is shopping for an apartment in Chicago so she can be closer to Oprah and Vince Vaughn. If I were to live in Chicago I would only live there in the summer because the harsh winters are too much for my delicate constitution. I wonder if Jen is concerned about numb hands, cold feet and static electricity in her hair?
Now, back to the S&M habits of Angie because that’s what we’re all interested in, right? Nevermind the factoid that she and Billy Bob used to shoot heroin together and now she prefers the occasional line of coke. This is secondhand information, believe at your own discretion.Now Angie, tell me about the s & m!
"S and M sex can be misinterpreted as violence. It's really about trust. I like to push boundaries, both emotional and sexual, with another person. That's when I've felt the sexiest. I've been in both submissive and dominant roles because I want more." she said.
I'm hurting inside!
Poor Lindsay Lohan! First she was caught in the middle of an ugly kerfluffle with Aaron Carter and Hilary Duff. Then she started hanging out with Paris and her posse. There was the business of having sex with an old Bruce Willis and banging on Wilmer Valderamana’s hotel door in the middle of the night for a good old fashioned booty call. She has been seen around town with heroin addict Jared Leto (come on! you know he does drugs!) and now…she confesses to something. No, not her breast implants or puffy swollen lips, but she says she almost died! See what happens when you give yourself too many enemas?
'I was going through a lot of stuff and overworking and not thinking of my body,' she said."I lost 20-25 pounds. I was on IV drips. I nearly died." Wait- do I sense a Lifetime Womans Television movie of the week here? I think I do! Stay tuned...this story isnt over yet!
You are under arrest for being married to Star Jones!
It would have been so much more delicious if Al Reynolds had been arrested while trolling for men dressed as woman. But Al’s arrest, at three o’clock in the morning, ahem!
had more to do with driving while his license was suspended than picking up random guys for a quickie in the backseat. They have an open marriage, don't they? He goes out with men and she ...tries to score free stuff and pretends to be in love with her big strong stallion.
Al changed lanes without signaling so the cops pulled him over because in the middle of the night, what else are those cops doing? When Al told the police he was Star’s husband, they booked him and threw him in the slammer for the rest of the night. Okay I made that last part up. All of this will make sense many years from now when Al comes out with an explosive tell-all memoir about his years living as Star Jones' bitch.
Kirsten likes messed up teeth
Kirsten, why don't you fix your crooked baby teeth?
"That's one of the things I like about me. Messed-up teeth are so sexy."
Then she must really get turned on by the teeth in the above photo. If a guy has rotten teeth, missing a few canines, a twisted bicuspid or two and staining on the gum line, she will agree to a date. If he is missing some teeth, even better! She'll even put out if the teeth are extra yellowed.
My big fat Greek boyfriend
This guy owns a yacht and a home in Crete. Perfect for Paris!
Greek men are so hot when they wear their costume regalia
The older the Greek, the more money they have.
Paris needs to learn the proper way to give a Greek kiss. Smooch!
I wonder if she is ready to change her name to Paris Hiltonopolis? Paris Hiltondapades?
If Paris is going to insist on dating Greek after Greek, I thought the least I could do is dedicate a post to her. Opa!