Ode to the Simpsons
 This is the dad that makes it happen. Former preacher who likes big pillowy boobs and writhing wet girls on cars.  This is the sister whose dog matches her hair and her boots match her roots. Who needs perfume for their belly button that tastes like day old bakery goods from the Hostess outlet?
 This is the house that Ashlee bought. A multi-million dollar home that looks like the Getty Museum. I'm in the wrong line of work. Damn, I should have cut that album with Tommy Mottola when I had the chance.
This is the girl who makes my ears bleed but has so much money she doesn't care what I think.
WHY?
Ashlee- sing it sister!
  Ashlee dancing on stage, but where the SNL jig? I really want to see the hoe-down move that put her on the map. And by map, I mean in the crapper. I wonder if she is singing her new "hit" song about stealing boyfriends. Thats hot! How long until Ashlee starts dating Paris Latsis or Cisco Adler?
Cocaine Kate
  I wonder what's in her bag? Kate Moss doesn’t want to go to rehab, are you kidding? Sure, on the outside she is showing remorse, but her friends say she doesn’t care what people think and she “will not change her lifestyle because of a tabloid.” The drug scandal is actually working in her favor, she has gotten a ton of press and is even talking to director Ron Howard about starring in a movie about the fashion business. Kate doesn’t seem too concerned about losing custody of her daughter Lila Grace, and she is barely hanging on to her Rimmel contract. She just shot an ad for them for a product called “Recover” but today I learned from a Rimmel insider that they are thinking of firing our little cokehead. Whats the big deal? Just airbrush the white powder and bloody nostrils out of the print ads! I still think my reality show called "Celeb Detox" would be brilliant. Kate Moss, Courtney Love, Pat O'Brien and Billy Joel along with special guest star Whitney Houston? I can practically see the ratings go through the roof. Death Watch: 3-5 years.
BYE BYE
 Friends, sometimes our prayers are answered and our dreams come true. Yes, life has gotten just a bit rosier since learning that STAR JONES WILL NOT BE PART OF THE RED CARPET EVER AGAIN!
Take a moment and close your eyes, savor in the news. Revel in the joy. Light candles and take a bath, secure in the knowledge that there will be no self promoting garbage polluting the airwaves come Red Carpet time!
According to Page Six, “Jones, who grated on the nerves of viewers and E! execs by continually promoting her wedding last year, made her final appearance as the cable channel's red carpet reporter at the Emmys this month.”
Apparently one year of Star was more than enough and she was not picked up for more. Star of course, says the decision was all hers and told the Post that she will be way too busy promoting her book to work the Red Carpet.
You read that right, her BOOK. And the book is titled, "Shine: A Physical, Emotional, and Spiritual Journey to Finding Love" The book is about how Star met and fell in love with Al Reynolds. cough, cough, cough!
Insiders say Star's exit has been in the works for a while. Everyone knows she didn’t do well on the Red Carpet and she actually pressured stars to be on The View which is a turn off to any fully functioning human. Says a source, “Do you think Star would give up good money and a load of freebies from the goody bags and the dresses for a book? No way."
In sort of related news, Bobby Green aka fashion maven Robert Verdi is not going to be on the red carpet either as he is hoping for a role in The Devil Wears Prada with Anne Hathaway. He wants to sharpen his acting claws. Which means there are a few spots available for red carpet hosting....have I mentioned I've always wanted that job? And I promise not to bring my dog or wheeze or talk about myself.
Tom "Cuckoo" Cruise and his band of Thetans
 I have a secret...  ...I'm a little kooky....
...Hey Katie, is this a thetan in my pocket or am I happy to see myself?
 ...the gamma rays from my braces will attract the alien community.
I only wish this were true. There is a hoax traveling faster than Xenu with his emeters ablaze on the internet. Apparently Tom Cruise will be not be part of a symposium of Scientologists talking about: "How Psychiatry Invented Schizophrenia, and What Scientologists Can Do About It" and"Handling Sexual Dis-Orientation: Out of the Closet and Into the Auditing Room".
There will not be a meeting to discuss: "Diagnosis and Treatment of So-Called Clinical Depression with the Hubbard Mark Super VII Quantum Electropsychometer" and"Neuroanatomical Changes Resulting from Chronic Methamphetamine Abuse: Can Narconon's Sauna and Niacin Treatment Program Help?"
Who ever came up with this stuff is brilliant. Quantum Electropsychometer? Out of the Closet and Into the Auditing Room? If only it were true.
Another bun in the oven
 No wonder why she looked so bad the other day. Our Gwyneth is PREGNANT! And as you know, being pregnant is the new black, meaning its very hip to be with child. Look for Madonna and Demi to announce pregnancies in the upcoming months!
BENATOR!
VOTE FOR BEN AFFLECK FOR SENATOR!
Ben Affleck may be leaving Hollywood for the glitz and glamour of... Virginia? The Washington Posts reports that Virginia Democrats want Ben to run against Republican Senator George Allen in the '06 election. If Ben is gearing up for a role in politics, the smartest thing he can do is choose a persona and build his campaign around it. I've chosen a few for him. Anything I can do to help. And won't Jennifer Garner make such a precious first lady?  Baby Daddy Affleck
Gentle and good with kids, goofy, loves cartoons and changing diapers. Very child oriented. Lists the What To Expect series as his favorite books and watches TLC. Also loves animals. Good natured, slightly immature and helpless in the kitchen. 
Insane Asylum Escapee Affleck Don't piss him off. He will come after you with a sawed off shotgun. This brand of Affleck is unstable, shows signs of dementia. Cunning and tricky. Described by many as intense.  Gucci Affleck
Drives a Bentley, drinks cognac from a crystal highball, enjoys billiards and likes to relax in the conservatory with Colonel Mustard. Travels to Paris to shop, wears cashmere socks and proudly wears the Metrosexual Stamp of Approval.
 Au Natural Affleck
Jovial party boy, likes strippers and beer, can be found on the couch watching ESPN on weekends. Happy go lucky, enjoys Playboy for the articles. Raunchy sense of humor, sloppy, reads the stock market but doesn't understand a word of it.  The Scientologist Affleck
An avid reader, he lists L. Ron Hubbard as his favorite author. Counts thetans instead to sheep to fall asleep. Knows everything about psychiatry. Will happy show you his emeter. This Affleck is slightly dangerous and shows signs of mental illness.
 Young Affleck
Will eat hot dogs and drink Kool Aid. Wears suits and ties from Sears. Calls his mother every day, innocent and eager, he aims to please. Whimsical, has the season one Smurf dvd and collects baseball cards, also likes his Snoopy sheets.
 Bloated Affleck
Enjoys smoking, beer and women. Could potentially be adopted into the Kennedy family as there is a slighresemblancece to Ted Kennedy in the jowl area. Boozy aging party boy who has the ability to convincingly lie, stay out late and cheat on his wife. Perfect politician.
 Poker FaceSerious, a bit tempermental, prone to alcoholic rages. Enjoys dice, games of chance and cardigans. Sleeps late on weekends, plays online poker and frequents Las Vegas. Eats his steak well done and drinks cheap Scotch.
Random
 I wish I was in New York City right this minute. I would run as fast as I could, my gazelle like legs carrying me through the streets, to meet up with Lindsay Lohan who is shooting a music video!  It's Britney and Kevin! And they have matching buns and matching bloated bellies! Federbellies. I must look away.  Sheryl Crow admits to getting high before going on stage at her concerts. I believe it. I saw Sheryl in concert years ago and she was so bad, my ears were bleeding and I had to leave. Nice legs, did she get them so trim and fit from...biking?
 Jessica shows off her newly colored hair. If you are interested, the shade is called:
"Bimbo Blonde."
 Jessica shows off a virtual cornucopia of autumn colors in one outfit. Yellow corn, orange pumpkin, green squash, red cranberries.
 For Pam's outfit, take one blanket and wrap it around yourself securing with an aging rocker with bad hair.
Anna to Britney
 "I got somethin' to say to Britney and Kevin.. hiccup."  "But I don't want no advice from Anna!" Anna Nicole has advice for Britney. And if there is one bit of wisdom I can share with you, its this: Always listen to Anna. She is filled to the brim with common sense and intelligence. Anna Nicole tells the Federlines via her very informative National Enquirer column the following, "As for you, Kevin, three kids by two mothers before you're 30 is definitely pushing it. Britney, I really hope your marriage works. But just in case, if I were you, I'd hold on to my purse!" It's like getting your advice straight from Confucius! I'm glad Kevin signed the pre-nup although the boy is earning his keep leaking those "paparazzi" photos to the press, taping and selling the video of Britney getting a c-section. What a hard worker he is. We underestimated him.
Celebrity Mad Libs
  That Pete is hot! Just look at him. Men with eyes swollen shut who are sweaty and high are the bomb! Dont you want to get naked with that? Recently Kate Moss was dropped from (company name)_____________ because she was caught on tape snorting lines of (kind of white powder)_____________________. She has been on-again-off- again with (adjective)_______________Pete Doherty who looks as if he has come off a (some kind of binge, throw in some adjectives)____________________. Naomi Campbell, best known for her angry, fierce (what?)_________________, has threatened to clock Kate in the head with a (blunt object)_________________if Kate dares to touch one more (noun)_______________________. In a statement, Kate said, “Im very (what is she? Sorry? Sad? Hungry for blow?)___________________ and I promise I will get (what?)__________________. Then I will _______________and ________________and then I will be the best model I can be!!” Pete Doherty had this to say, “Wha?” and then he added, “Im very (adjective)___________ and I hope Kate (what?)______________.” Then he passed out in a pool of his own vomit.  Kate, now I know how you maintain your trim figure! Secrets out. Coke and cigs for weight control!
Vomit
 Kevin Federline does bathe! Or at least, rinse his buns off.
Random Fun!
 Posh looks scary  Jada is hairy
 Courtney makes a deal
 Cameron needs a facial peel
 Kate likes to smoke grass
 Avril wants to kick your ass
 Ashlee is pale
 Angelina in jail
 Britney with zits, where are her tits?
Very flattering photos of celebrities. Discuss amongst yourself.
NICK, the new body of A&F
 Nick wheels and deals while Jessica tries to figure out how cell phones work.  Hello fair maiden from the Medieval Times! Might you join me for a pickle on a stick?  It's a freaky thing. She can catch flies with that. I cannot believe Nick Lachey is earning $750,000 for a few Abercrombie and Fitch ads! If they have only known my price is $400,000 plus a years worth of free clothes, maybe they would have gone with Distressed Jeans rather than some steriod loving boy band singer.
Linds and Wilmer, together for a moment
 "S'right baby. We cool."  "Like, oh my gosh! Did you see who's here? Like totally! I wish I wasnt wearing my scrunchy boots and my pinafore! Like, wow!"
Hello! How uncomfortable is must have been when Lindsay and Wilmer bumped into each other recently at the nightclub, X. What do you say to someone who caused you to drop twenty pounds and lighten your hair? AWKWARD! Don't we all remember the story of a drunken Lindsay hooking up with Bruce Willis after Wilmer dumped her? Or her stumbling down the hall to his hotel room, banging on the door for a midnight booty call? Or Wilmer and Ashlee Simpson, which prompted Ashlee to write a song about the whole ordeal?
And then they run into each other after all this time... Wilmer played it cool, giving her the "peace out" sign as she took off for the bathroom to snort her emotions. With all the divorces going on in town, Lindsay will have her pick of newly single men. Kenny Chesney? Too old, too bald and too short...but Chad Michael Murray? Just right!
Another one for TEAM ANISTON
 Claire Danes says to Jennifer Aniston, "I'm on your side, sista!" Claire feels really sorry for Jen and wants her to know she understands the pain. Even though she had a hand in the break up of Billy Crudup and Mary Louise Parker, Claire is siding with Jennifer and not "the other woman" motorcycle riding, knife weilding, whip slapping Angelina who loves fast cars and bad boys. Claire says, "I worried about Jennifer, you know?" Then she said something interesting, implying we each a little piece of sunset and yoga loving Jennifer in our souls: (not a direct quote, I'm paraphrasing here) "We all carry an inner Jennifer inside of us." That's really sweet Claire, just STAY OFF HER BEACH.
Its BABY TIME!
 Instead of "YOU'RE FIRED" how about "YOU'RE PREGNANT!" Donald Trump's surgically enhanced wife Melenia is pregnant with the newest heir to the Trump throne. This will be the fifth Trump in line for real estate royalty. She is due in the spring, a lovely time to give birth and count your billions.
Paparazzi photo
 Did Britney not see the Hubble telescope- sized lens intruding through her shrubs and bushes by the pool? I can explain. Kevin is taking photos and secretly selling them on the web. Hey, a guys gotta make a living, right?
Jake hearts Myspace and beanie babies!
 Jake Gyllnhllll loves myspace. In fact, I think he might like to check this out and I think you should too. One of my super wonderful and good looking readers made this just for you. And me. Check it out here.Speaking of Jake, I hear he keeps a Beanie Baby on the dashboard of his car. I suppose thats better than a Garfield suction cupped to the window or a bobblehead chihuahua in the rear window. That Jake! What will he think of next?
Random!
 The photo he doesnt want you to see! Jeremy Piven would rather have you think of him as a sarcastic, skirt-chasing male slut than a balding, middle aged actor with round glasses and a horribly hair chest.  Shhh...its okay Kelly. Regis won't be angry if you are pregnant with your fourth kid! But how are you going to make ends meet? With only two television shows you might have to pick up the slack and start co-hosting The View or something. Which leads us to this question- Is Kelly really pregnant again?  Eva, the dog can use its legs and walk by itself. Ms. Longoria is on the phone with Jeremy Piven while she wears a Tony Parker shirt.  Johnny Depps wife and daughter take a stroll. What is she smoking, a cigar? I was actually supposed to marry Johnny but I didnt want to live in the french countryside, smoking and drinking red wine all the time.  Wow, what a great disguise! I have no idea who that is. Could it be...Matt Damon? Look at the sour face. Is someone pouting?  The hat hides the slope of her cone head. Thank goodness for plaid flannel caps. Ordered from a premier British hunting catalogue of course.  Finally, the cast is off and the arm is free! I wonder what Madonna thinks of her husband's interview recently when asked her real name, he didn't know. Or didn't remember. Or care. Its Madonna Louise Ciccone Distressed Jeans, for your information.  Toothpicks are wonderful tools for removing spare food hidden in the cracks and crevices of your teeth. I find walking around with the implement in your mouth in poor taste. Its much cooler to stick a blade of grass in your mouth and let it dangle between your lips.
One too many cocktails at lunch, Lindsay? Perhaps the tooth pick was to prop up her droopy eye lids?
WHAT?
 This is the face of a woman who does not eat meat, meat products or cheese, eggs or Doritos. A woman who will be speaking with a faux British accent and is proud of her daughter's abliity to speak several different languages and can translate the words "Hummus" and "Falafel".
Angie and Brad
 Cute! Not.  Angelina wrapped with gauze like a young, sexy mummy! 
 Brad and Angie are still playing coy about their relationship. No, they are not dating. Just moving in together with the kids. Maddox is calling Brad, "DADDY" and when Zahara starts speaking, she will call him "Daddy" too!
 VROOOM VROOOOMMMM! And away they go, probably off to go have sex and play with knives!
Celebrity Dating Pool
  Jenny McCarthy is now dating Jim Carrey! What a match. The two can spend all their time farting and making armpit noises while having belching contests and contorting their faces in mirrors. Yup. A match made in dumb joke heaven. From what I have read and heard and the gossip I have eavesdropped on, Jim is exactly like that big bully in highschool who picked on the smaller, weaker kids and made them cry so he could feel better about himself.
Paris and Paris: still on!
 Bobby Brown says, "What? Them two are still together?"  Apparently they are. When will they break up? We can start placing bets now. I'm going with at the end of Simple Wife. Not Simple Life, because Paris and Nicole will NOT be together for the filming of the show. Unless the producers work some kind of split screen magic, Paris and Nicole will never be together again. Never! Never!
It seems P. Lat's family is not too happy with Paris H's sex tape, naughty commercials, cell photo pictures, magazine photos, general appearence and personality. They do not approve of Paris to marrying into the family. Meanwhile Kathy Hilton can't wait for Paris to tie the knot, becoming part of an enormous family dynasty virtually bursting with money and diamonds. While the Hiltons are wealthy, they are in no way the jetsetters that the Latsis clan is. Reports are rampant that ParisI and ParisII have broken up, especially with the increased time Paris is spending with Lil' Kim's ex, praying mantis lookalike, Scott Storch. But my friends who lunch at the Ivy and shop at the Kitson, assure me that the two Parii are together and "in love".
Mischa's New Man is Kim's Used Goods
The exes:  K. Stew said of Cisco Adler, "He's my best friend, my lover, my soulmate - he really is my everything." Not anymore, Kimmy! But Brandon Davis is available and you can always call Wilmer Vladamirama for a booty smacking good time.
 Brandon Davis bathes in a pool of Wesson.
 Mischa wearing a dress befitting to a two year old minus the coodinating bloomers and ankle strap Mary Janes.
Cisco Adler was engaged to Kim Stewart.
Mischa has upgraded boyfriends, trading in one oily Brandon Davis and exchanging him with one dry Cisco Adler. Cisco may not have the fabu "connections" that Brandon offered (we're talking drugs here, people) but he is a lot less greasy and check out those abs. Not a hint of man-boobs either. I'm not quite certain what to make of Mr. Cisco's character. After all, he was engaged to Kim Stewart who is best known for calling Jennifer Aniston "homely" and telling the following unfunny and un-politically correct joke:, "What has three legs and lives on a farm? Paul McCartney and his wife." Kimbo also got inked with the words, 'Daddy's Little Girl Loves Cisco'. No doubt she changed the spelling to "Sisqo" the singer of the hit, The Thong Song. Like I've mentioned before Young Hollywood offers a virtual revolving door of dating opportunities. Somewhere in the not so distant future, an Olsen twin will date a Brandon while an Ashlee or Lindsay have their way with Cisco. Mischa will end up with one of the owners of nightclub Butter while Kimberley hooks up with Jason Davis, Brandon's rotund, portly, sweaty older brother.
Mah boobies aint workin'
 Britney is reportedly having trouble breastfeeding her baby due to those pesky implants! "Britney Spears is reportedly having trouble feeding her baby son because of the boob job she had as a teenager. She's trying to breast-feed, but doctors are warning her the baby's not getting enough nourishment." Kevin has tried repeatedly to unclog her pipes but to no avail. Somewhere along the line, Britney feels that her frequent consumption of heavy, cream laden coffee beverages has interfered with her ability to make milk for baby Sean. She plans to pen a memoir on her nursing difficulties and call it, Ooops I Can't Nurse My Baby! or This Tits For You.
CHICK
 Nicky...
 how about some clothes...
 ..that won't fall apart in the washing machine?
If you just cannot live one more day without owning a piece of CHICK clothing by Nicky Hilton than I have very good news for you. CHICK is currently occupying a spot on the TJ Maxx clearance rack next to the Baby Phat tee shirts and the J. Lo track pants. Yes, Nicky has arrived at the discount store! I spotted several small shirts for $24.99 and a pair of washed out bleached jeans for $29. A deal, yes- but I cannot promise the quality is better than let's say...an item of clothing from Wet Seal or Charlotte Russe. I fondled the shirts for a while, shirts with an embroidered angel on the chest, and found the integrity of the top to be questionable. Save your hard earned money and splurge on a sexy studded leather bag. I found one in black that I loved but...*sniff* did not have the funds to support my shopping habit on this lovely Sunday! I come to you, reporting LIVE from southern California!
Happy Kabbalah Wedding!
 Us Weekly reports that Demi Moore, and Ashton Kutcher got married Saturday night at a Beverly Hills home in a ceremony in front of more than 100 of their closest friends and family, according to several sources close to the couple. ' 'It was very last minute,'' one guest told Us. Kutcher's publicist declined to confirm the nuptials, and when asked to confirm the wedding, Moore's publicist Stephen Huvane simply declined comment to Us. Standing before a crowd of family like Demi's three daughters, and friends like Distressed Jeans the popular celebrity blogger, Lucy Liu and Wilmer Valdermamamalama the couple, followers of the ancient spiritual practice of Kabbalah, exchanged vows in a brief but traditional ceremony. ''Most everyone was dressed formally,'' a source at the wedding told Us.
Paris & Lindsay
 Paris just scraped the bottom of her new car so she needed to stop and get some refreshments and a hit of blow to make herself feel better. Cheer up! Your fiance will buy you a whole fleet of new Ferraris if you want sweetie!  Lindsay Lohan steps out from the salon where she got new extensions to thicken up her thinning hair. I see the Return of the Leggings! It's a look I'm passing on even if every single Hollywood actress starts wearing them and Im all left out because Im wearing my Lucky jeans from last season. I remember the first time leggings were in style when I was in highschool and I wore my tight black spandex with an oversize Outback Red sweater and my LA Gear Hightops while carrying my Trapper Keeper. Raise your hand if you are a child of the 80's! Lindsay, I didn't say if you were born in the eighties... put your hand down.
We's seen it comin'...
"Y'all, I want three million for the video and then another couple for the photos of mah baby..." source: BANG Britney Spears will reportedly earn $6-million for having a baby.The singer, who gave birth to baby son Sean Preston last week, and her husband Kevin Federline will receive the huge sum after agreeing to a number of TV, photo and endorsement deals showing off the new arrival to the world.Britney and Kevin have allegedly accepted over $3-million to show home-video footage of the birth on their popular reality TV show 'Britney and Kevin: Chaotic', and will be a paid a further $1.5-million for a magazine deal featuring exclusive pictures of the child.The couple are also rumoured to have agreed a deal worth over $1.5-million to video the first few weeks of Sean Preston's life for TV. *PS. I believe there will also be a line of baby clothing as well as home videos available for purchase plus tee shirts and calendars of little Sean, available on the internet or sold from the back of K. Fed's car!
Interview...
 Jude could play Ted in movie version of the novel, Diana Lively Is Falling Down by Sheila Curran. For our interview please go here and then order the book right away!
Random
 Reason for the divorce? Tori Spelling met and fell in love with her costar in an upcoming film. It just happened! But things between her and husband Charlie were not good for a long time. I did sense tension between them when I ran into Tori at Kitson a few months ago. I saw it coming. Maybe instead of spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on a wedding, they should have given some money to me and I could have gone shopping. There's a gray sweater at Abercrombie I want plus a Balenciaga bag which is like $695 ,000 less than a wedding reception in Hollywood. 
Cheer up Tori!
 Photographic explanation of why not to have plastic surgery. It's Priscilla Presley from planet Plasticus Surgicus.
 Lets keep this on the down-low, if you know what I mean and I think you do. The hot rage in LA is ..swinging and I don't mean a seat with two chains. You pay a large sum of money to gain entrance into a private (or not so private if you prefer) swinging party where lots of A- list entertainment people come to "party".
Directors, producers, lawyers, executives and the occasional high-profile actors have been known to frequent these elite sex parties. In case you dont understand the theme of the party, the idea is to swap partners and to have sex with lots and lots of people. I'm not naming names here but lets just say that "Ticholas Page" is a fan of such events. I wonder if the child bride stays home and does the entrance fee include drinks?
 Hilary Duff is keeping her boyfriend waiting. Like the virgin before her named Jessica Simpson, Hilary refuses to "go all the way" with Joel Madden. I say good for her. She isn't even legal yet and she is probably making sure her boyfriend isn't charged with having sex with a minor and in that way, I find her very thoughtful.
 Tara Reid calling out, "Come back! Come here! Jude, don't you want to have a good time?"
The list Sienna made Jude sign in blood did not include not having sexual relations with Tara Reid or extraterrestrials did it?
Kate Moss... life is so unfair! She was dropped as a spokesperson from H&M, Burberry and Chanel (not Coach) all because a friend of Pete Doherty's took her photo while she snorted a few lines of coke and then turned around and sold it! So...I guess what I'm trying to say is if any of the above fine, fine companies need a new spokesperson, who resembles Kate in no way and only snorts the occasional allergy medication, I'm the girl. Look no further, here I am.
Sandra....
 Sandra Bullock is pregnant. Okay, so no formal announcement has been made, but I did receive a tip this evening from a reader who has seen Sandy around town and hints that the star is "packing on the pounds". In fact, Sandra is abandoning her preoccupation with staying slim and enjoying McDonalds, a favorite of her new husband, Jesse James. Not the Jesse James that Brad Pitt is playing in the movie. Im speaking of her husband of Monster Garage fame. So Sandra is letting herself go and getting a bit thick, if you catch my drift. If she suddenly appears with a bag of Cheetos in each hand and her breasts are unmistakably enormous, we can conclude that yes, she is having a baby. And I will send her flowers and a pleasant note with an offer to be the babys aunt and then we can meet up and have coffee together (decaf for her) and discuss baby names. Preston, London, Vegas come to mind.
Richie Rich
 Nicole Richie recently celebrated her birthday and turned 90 lbs. Congratulations! Her fiancee, DJ AM took her to Disneyland where she got to meet and greet all the oversized characters dressed in nappy costumes. Her father, Lionel Richie, sang "Penny Lover" to her and she ate a bite of chocolate cake and kept it down! The Simple Live producers have devised a great way to have both Paris Hilton and Nicole together on the show without being together. Each girl will live with a different family as they prepare for their upcoming weddings. Except Paris is carrying on with record producer, Scott Storch who looks like a praying mantis and used to date Lil' Kim, now Inmate no. 776382. Oh but I digress. Paris Latsis's family is under the impression he is too young to get married and the wedding WILL NOT take place. And with the amount of time Paris has been spending with Scott in the "studio" on her "album" I would be surprised if they actually make it down the aisle.  Ice Capade fever, catch it!
Britneys Letter of Troof
 I didn't want mah cooter to get stretched out y'all! "Take it out through mah belly button", I told mah doctors! And make the pain go away. Like, I don't wanna feel nothin'! Git it out! Just git it! Y'all first, I was real scared about having a baby! Kev took me to the hospital in the morning and I got me some drugs, y'all...  ..I's like, OH my gah! It was just like bein' real drunk and woozy-like! Next thing I knew, y'all, I had me a baby!  I didnt know what to name him! Kev wanted Vegas, but I wanted London. My mama said to name the baby Kentwood, after mah hometown but then I said I wanted Preston. I wuz real confused! ? ? ? Like, huh?
 Kev's all, "YOU AIN'T NAMING NO BABY OF MINE LONDON!"
When the dr. said we aint s'pposed to have 'relations' for six weeks, Kevin suddenly took himself on a trip to Vegas!
 I don't know why he had to go all the way there?
 I thought real hard about the name. Preston London? Vegas Spears? Lonnell Dewayne? Then I thinked to myself..how about Sean?
just look at this: juStiN timbErlAke, get it y'all? Real clever, huh? Kev aint so smart at times and he'll never figger it out. It can be our secret, wink!
 So, I hired a nanny, y'all! She's real ugly. I don't want Kevin strayin' on me, you know? Now I just lay by mah pool and read magazines and stuff. I like to eat french fries with dressing and chicken wings and milk shakes.
Oh, and Sean, he's a real cute baby. We's selling pikshurs of him to OK magazine! Kev filmed the birth and we's sellin' that too. Kev always says "How's mah Gravy Train and daddy's lil' cash cow?" I don't know what he means when he says that, but he just laffs and laffs!
 Y'all, Heidi Klum told me, "If you worked really hard before and don't go too crazy, you shouldn't have to work as hard afterward to lose the baby weight." Yeah, I worked real hard!
 Everybody is tellin' me to stop eatin' junk food and drinkin' Starbucks. I'm thinkin' that Cheetos are orange like carrots, so they hafta be good for you and Starbucks drinks don't have calories 'cause you drink it, not eat it- drinks don't have no calories! People can be so dumb!
Shar Jackson told me I should eat more now to keep up mah energy and she sent over a whole box of Doritos and pork rinds and told me to eat up! She can be real sweet. She also said I needed to eat ice cream sundaes every day.
Lindsay Lohan who don't have kids, told me, "Don't smoke cigarettes!" Like duh, Lindsay! Of course I'm gonna smoke! I just won't tell the baby!
Lohan fever!
 Yes she has gone back to red and no, thats not a toga!  What the cap is lacking is a chin strap for maximum appeal. She has the granny cardigan and the maternity top creating a look thats very Golden Girls meets expectant mother circa 1976. I'm very supportive of the new hair color but the clothes don't have to be quite so baggy. Is she hiding another boob job? We wonder. Hmmm....
Steven and Liv
 Liv Tyler rides her bike in NYC, but what's this? No helmut? tsk tsk! 
Steven Tyler and Liv share a meal together of Pellegrino water and cocktails. I'd love to know her reaction when he tells her he is dating Jennifer Aniston. Jen has professed her love/lust for Steven and I think he might be just what she needs to watch those sunsets with.
There's nothing like a wild, skinny, old rocker who wears tight pants and eye liner. Reminds me of the time Billy Idol and I- oops. I've said too much.
Cam is tired of the photos already!
 "Okay, collectively, how many pictures do you guys think you have? Seriously, do you communicate like this in the bedroom as well? It's insane. I'm having a nervous breakdown with all that clicking." - direct quote from Cameron Diaz during the In Her Shoes conference. Listen up Cameron. If you are earning $20+ per movie I think you can stand there and let the media take some photos of you. Personally, I'm completely sick of the whining and the crying and the middle finger each time someone tries to snap a photo of your royal highness. It makes you seem uglier than the oozy red postule on your face. I'd like to take you aside and let you know my thoughts. Why don't you call me and we can set up a lunch date? PS. Bring Justin, I'd love to get my picture taken with him!
Random
 Cameron and Toni at the Tokyo news conference for In Her Shoes. Translated, the sign behind them warns to not take Cam's photo or you will capture the essence of her soul.  Jennifer! Must you wear a saggy diaper on stage?
 Passing a kidney stone?
 Jen Garner Affleck foregoes a blow dryer and makeup...
 ...but accessorizes with sunglasses and second- hand smoke.
 Kirsten Dunst: Shlumpy Chic!
A peek into Britneys home
 Look! Its grandma's marble top table and lots of..stuff.  Baby on a half shell.  Heavy golds, brocades and velvet with more gold trim and gilded mirrors. It's Aladdins Palace!
 I demand to know if its true that Liberace arose from the grave to design this? Besides that, where are the lamb kabobs, perfume, and heavy jewelry that seem to be missing from the general theme of the home? Now I understand where the Morrocan themed baby shower sprang from.
Britney update...
 Letter of Troof- coming soon!
Jude and The Ten Commandments of Love
Yes, she will take him back but only with a carefully constructed list of commandments which include (but are not limited to) the following...
 1. Stay faithful to Sienna 
2. Write a list of past love affairs
3. Hang out with the 'right people'
 4. No more random sex or orgies  Yes, he does actually. Kevin, you are one sexy animal, you beast!
 5. Disclose all information regarding the chronic cheating and lying 
6. No more picking up one night stands
7. Stay focused, be upfront and honest about feelings
 8. Romance Sienna, hold her in highest esteem
 9. Get anger under control
 10. Own up to sleeping with Kate Moss. When Jude was asked to list every person he ever slept with, he replied, “Do you mean in England, luv, or just the US?” Jude must romance Sienna- woo her if you will- if he hopes to mend ways with her. However, a friend of the couple says, "The relationship was rocky long before the nanny came along and these are problems Sienna has had with Jude for a long time.” Once a cheater, always a cheater. I'd like to offer my unofficial diagnosis of Mr. Law: Sex Addict. Maybe he can do a round table discussion with Eric Benet and Pat O’Brien? Talk dirty to me you big wanker!
Ghetto Xtina
  Wow, Eva really is making it her job to be seen with everyone in Hollywood.  Christina Aguilera's new album, which I hear really rocks, is to be called: From Ghetto to Gucci. Does this mean being a Mousekateer is considered ghetto?
Fiddler on my roof
 Kathie Lee Gifford in her leather on leather ensemble at the debut of Rosie O'Donnell/Jason Davis in Fiddler on the Roof.  Kathie took her fashion choice from Mig on Rock Star: INXS. One question- where does one hide his balls in such tight fitting pants?
I applaud you Rosie, you have forgone the pancake makeup and the hair stylists and have gone au natural in your Broadway Show. You make a very convincing peasant woman.
Angry Cameron hates her picture taken! LOOK AWAY!
 Toni Collette and Cameron Diaz  Don't look at me! The Sydney Daily Telegraph says that Cameron Diaz is being a total diva, not allowing anyone to take photos of her. And she will not sign autographs for fans and recently, the In Her Shoes star actually ran from a group of people, covering her face with a magazine and sprinting down the street. The Daily Telegraph also points out this isn't the first time Cameron was rude. Cam and Justin were uncooperative with the press during a trip down under last year. I think Cameron hasn’t learned how to gracefully deal with the paparazzi just yet. Anger management, anyone?
Hello, sexy
  Joaquin Phoenix, one word: HOT
Lil' Kim
 Have you been lighting your candles for Lil' Kim who is now Prisoner 774582? What is she doing right now, I wonder? Probably gluing rhinestones on her uniform if I know her. Or perhaps enjoying a more wholesome activity- making new nipple covers created from tea bags and ribbon. She will be at a federal detention center in Philadelphia so I'm thinking lots of trips to see the Liberty Bell and of course, complimentary Philly Cheesesteak sandwiches which are delicious. I hope the prison offers salon services because girlfriend needs a root touch -up. Martha Stewart attended her prison beauty salon, taught a yoga class and led art & crafts. Maybe Lil' Kim will come back with her own gray knitted poncho, new highlights and a trimmer figure. And I hear a prison stay does wonders for the complexion. You go, girl!
Young Hollywood
 Natalie Portman enjoys roller coasters, mohawks, sex scenes with Jude Law and Biggie Fries from Wendy's.  Scarlett Johansson enjoys high waisted pants, Josh Hartnett, fashion and white bras with black tanks.
 Sophia Bush- still married? Does she know divorce is the new black!? Sophia enjoys shirts which bear the words, "Distressed Jeans". Thanks for the shout out Soph!
 Lindsay's new BFF is Kelly Osbourne. Linds likes hanging with Kelly because Kel comes from a normal family. Lindsay enjoys hacking into cell phones, self tanning lotion and Marlboro Reds.
 Jack Osbourne enjoys ex-lax, thirty mile bike rides, espresso and sleeping with hot chicks.
PS. He loves the anti-acne line from Biore.
 Duff n' stuff: Hilary enjoys black coffee and nail polish, Crest Whitestrips, long walks on the beach and heavy metal music.
 Avril enjoys...
 ...well, not much. She's not really a light-hearted girl.
 Ashley Olsen enjoys counting her millions, shopping, skipping classes and wearing large glasses to hide her pupils.
 BOO!
Angelina and her red lipstick...mwah!
 Red lipstick always matches knives and body art. Later she will give Brad a "rainbow party".  Is that Woody Allen's hand and sleeve?
 Angelina went on a little shopping spree at Rolex. She experienced none of the truma Oprah encountered at Hermes. Those Rolex people know how to treat the celebs.
Should I bid on Clay's suit or Star's dress? Such a choice!
 And now you too can own a lovely crushed purple dress worn without underpants by Star Jones and with dog hair all over it. Yahoo news: Star Jones Reynolds is donating the dress off her back from the Emmy Awards to help Hurricane Katrina victims. Jones wore an amethyst velvet gown by Marc Bauer valued at $3,000 while hosting red-carpet coverage for E! Entertainment Television at Sunday's show. She donated the dress to the Clothes Off Our Back Foundation, which will auction off outfits worn by celebrities at the Emmys and give the proceeds to hurricane victims. "There is no better way to allow your clothes to keep on giving you pleasure than to share them with someone else," Jones said. "The families that were affected by Hurricane Katrina need our help." Last year, Jones' seafoam green dress by Kevan Hall generated one of the highest-selling amounts in the auction. Bidding on this year's auction ends Sept. 29.
Chesweger, part 2
 Kenny may have no lips but his puka shell necklace sure is pretty.  Jack White, you look scary. But I'm sure you are very nice.
So...Chesweger no more. Its true that when Kenny received the annulment papers, he grabbed his cowboy hat and a pair of Wranglers and headed north in his pickup truck with "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" blasting from his radio.
And while Kenny went on the lam in a cloud of tire dust, Jack White- former boyfriend of Renee- left his model wife to be at Renee 's side and comfort her during this time of fraud. Recent reports indicate Renee wanted to have children but Kenny did not. And with his lifestyle of banjos and rodeos, touring and line dancing, the two were ultimately not compatible. The fraud part of this story comes in to play when Renee realized Kenny was not the man she thought he was. In the three months they knew each other, she clearly did not find out he was...not marriage material.
Jen and Brad and Angie
"I'm doing GREAT. Better than ever. I'm centered and happy. I love yoga and sunsets."  Yes there will be a nude scene in Brad's upcoming movie, Jesse James. He will be in a bathtub of cool water wearing nothing but a Martha Stewart Everyday washcloth. He will slowly rise out of the water exposing his....
 "...Ass, I love Brad's ass. It fits in my hands just like this and I want to squeeze it like two juicy oversize grapefruits. Then I want to cut it and slice it."
Jada rocks the house
  If you didn't know this was Jada Pinkett Smith, would you think it was Lenny Kravitz or perhaps Macy Gray? Jada really rocks the house. Tom Cruise is reportedly a fanof her band. Uh oh, you know what thats means, don't you? That Xenu is hovering nearby with a butt plug, a microchip and a dog-eared copy of Dianetics.
The Kate-Jude-Sienna connection..
   The Sienna/Kate Moss connection is only a Jude away Celebrity word problem: If Kate Moss "gets together" with Jude Law's ex wife Sadie Frost while they were married, how many bisexuals are in bed ? Let me break it down in non-mathematical terms: Kate Moss + Sadie - Jude. This was after the Jude/Sadie spouse swapping episode. And just so you know, this is totally on the 2006 SATs. Ms. Moss apparently has an entire posse of hot young chicks who love to follow her around and grant her every wish- in and out of bed. And by "bed" I mean anywhere two people can get their freak on, wink wink. Kate is *claiming she will be entering rehab, those photos of herself really brought it home just how big of a coke head she is. I always thought she was naturally skinny but now I know what her secret was. She's going to have to turn to coffee and colon blow like the rest of us. I'm certain Nicole Richie has some very good diet tips to offer Kate for appetite reduction. *Celeb detox rating: extremely high
Jessica, whats happening?
 I'm sensing tension between them as they sing. You can't see it, but her nails are digging into his back.  "Oh my Gaw! Just take me home, old man! I'm so drunk!"
 Jess, turn that frown upside down! Where's Cacee?
 Aha! The old "pucker your lips and your face will look thinner" trick.
Nick is all, "Hand over your keys Jess, you are not driving home tonight." Note the firm grasp he has on her hand.
 Sometimes a hair wash, a few glasses of water and a brisk walk helps your skin and your attitude. Jessica, I'm talking to you.
 See the hand of her personal BBM? It takes Nick and her very own Big Black Man to get her into the car. If she is trying to change her persona from ditsy married wife to hardcore party girl, I don't think it's working. Now she's just ditsy party girl who can't hold her beer or style her hair by herself.
Celeb detox rating: high
The bidding starts at $10
 If you long to wear the clothes that touched the skin of Clay Aiken, remove his suit thread by thread with nothing other than your teeth... then I present to you, a chance in a lifetime. Clay is auctioning off the Kenneth Cole suit he wore to the Emmys, complete with man sweat and stained underarms, in the name of charity. So this would explain why Clay was at the Kenneth Cole fashion show in New York! I was totally wondering about that. I thought he was trying to get his picture taken with Kelly Osbourne. And if you long to get your hands on the socks I was wearing while I watched the Emmys well, sorry. They have already been purchased in a silent auction earlier tonight for an undisclosed sum.
What is Liz thinking...
 Is Elizabeth Hurley thinking:Why did Donatella agree to design baby clothes for Britney Spears? What is wrong with this womans face? Is her skin melting? She would look great in my Elizabeth Hurley swimsuit collection! I have a lovely pair of suede boots the exact same shade and texture as her complexion.
Nicole, free to blow
 "I'll administer the drug test."  "Free...free to pee, not to eat." Drug charges filed against Nicole Richie back in 2003 for heroin possession have been dropped. Nicole has successfully completed her probation and now Nicole is free to consume large quantities of her drug of choice which I hear is coke, and won't have to worry about periodic drug testing. Don't you hate the confines of probation? And buying that fake urine over the internet was getting to be such a drag. Mischa and Lindsay were never much help in that department. You can depend on those girls for a lot but when it comes to purchasing clean urine from them, forget it.
Kiera loves Sienna minus Jude
"mmmmm. That Sienna is en fuego!" 
Kiera Knightly is totally obsessed with Sienna Miller. Kiera loves Sienna’s boho style and her good looks, her thin body and her pretty blonde hair. If she had a big uncircumcised magic wand, Kiera would wave it around and make herself look just like Sienna minus the sorry appendage better known as The Cheater stuck to her side. Kiera sums up her admiration saying, “I so admire Sienna Miller. She's really beautiful.” She is beautiful and I like her unwashed bed head and messy style, but for the love of Hermes, why- oh- why did Sienna take Jude back? Yes he obviously, well at least according to nanny Daisy, he knows his way around the female body but still- he cheated, not once or twice but several times with a plump little sausage in the very bed Sienna layed in. Reports on the internet suggest that Sienna's mother strongly encouraged her to take Jude back. For now the two are 'working things out', whatever that means.
Pounding the Pavement
 Who is Jennifer van der Kwast and why is she Pounding the Pavement? Click here to find out...and read our exclusive interview.
Ashlee hearts KMart
 Do I smell someone selling out? What's next, Jessica Simpson at WalMart?
Jen on Oprah today!
Cheers! Here's to being wealthy beyond belief!
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and Jennifer is going to let loose on Oprah today! I can't wait. I've been sharpening my knives in anticipation all morning. You know Angelina is just wishing that Jennifer would shut her pie hole with this whole 'poor me' story. Angie is no husband stealer, cut her a break. Cut being the operative word, since Angie loves to cut herself up and let the blood flow- true story. Brad finds it kinky and erotic, two words not used to describe Jen. He once called her "matronly". True story.
We know that Oprah and Jen are probably toasting to life without a man (how's Gayle doing, Oprah?) and how Jen is even better off without Brad in her life. He is a callous, shallow, insensitive prick, I think that's what she is going to stay. Maddox is already calling him "Daddy" and its rumored that Brad will adopt with Angelina soon. Next time I have a hard time and I feel depressed, which is more often than not, I would appreciate it if Oprah would invite me up to her Santa Barbara estate for a little R & R. Oprah and I could ride around in golf carts and drink Cristal and eat gourmet foods and shop online and I'll do my Dr. Phil impression for her and we will laugh and laugh.
Kevin speaks
 "Wif da birth of my son, we gots some family comin' in from Fresno."
 "Mah brother Skeeter's arriving as soon as his parole is up."
 "Maw is comin' to pitch in wif the laundry and cleanin' and stuff."
 "Butch and Rebby Jo are bringin' their kid to play wif the baby."
 "When our cousin Tee gets out of rehab, she's coming over to get wasted with me and do jello shots and shit like that."
 "Brit's doin' real well. Yep. She's got her shizzle back if you know what I mean, yo."
 "I'm doin' real fine. Just call me:
THE SPERMINATOR!"
Star at the Emmys
 "Al, tell me again how I look! Tell me, NOW." "Like the purple people eater, boo. You one gorgeous hunk of woman. Plus I love crushed velvet and a weave."  "SHIT! I hate being interviewed by her. Yuck!"
 "Leave my Melenia alone! Don't touch her, don't call her a glamazon and do not tell her to 'get her party on'. "
 "She brought her what?"
 "Mommy loves her wittle shmoopy-woopy! Who is mommys pretty princess? Who has a diamond tiara from Fred Leighton?"
 "And it pooped on the red carpet? OMG. And Al had to clean it up with toaster tongs and a rhinestone tissue?"
"WHO LET THE DOGS OUT? ARF! ARF! ARF!"
ARE YOU READY?
 Its true, Star will be doing the red carput duties this afternoon. I thought perhaps she was fired or replaced or maybe the recipient of some "special brownies" that would have her holed up in the bathroom for the rest of the night, but no- Star Jones will be back this afternoon, planted firmly on the red carpet for the Emmy Awards. A spot that I should have been standing, dressed in Valentino, joking with celebs and asking all important questions such as, "Pop Tarts or Lucky Charms?"  First, she takes a fart bubble bath with a scented candle and a cigar while Al shaves his legs and checks his weave. Of course she will wear a synthetic wig from the Star Jones Signature Collection, 100% Korean Hair.  Then she gets some "beauty sleep."
 After the foundation is spackled on, the fake eyelashes are glued into place, the breasts are plumped and shoved into the gown and Al is in his "big boy suit" the two head out the door to a chauffer driven limo to the Red Carpet where Star will spew verbal nonsense, call women "glamazons" and invite us all to get "our party" on.
And I sit on my leather couch eating In N' Out burgers in my underwear and wonder: why is this woman doing my job?
You had me at "fraud"
 I guess she doesn't think his tractors sexy? According to People magazine, "the miscommunication of the objective of their marriage at the start is the only reason for this annulment." My gut feeling and a peek into my crystal ball which always reveals the truth, tells me that one of these wild and crazy southerners wanted childrens and the the other one did not. Kenny wanted Renee to reprise her role as the kooky, rifle toting Ruby from Cold Mountain and live in Tenessee and pop out five or six kids all which would be born playing the cow bell and wearing spurs. And Renee wanted a career in Los Angeles and she didn't want to move to Nashville! Gosh, you think these two would have discussed this before they tied the knot? Id like to ask Renee: did you ever see him without his cowboy hat and does he need baby powder or oil to remove the extra tight Wranglers? This divorce truly is a pity because I just thought of the best name ever for these two, better than Bennifer or Brangelina: Chesweger. Now I'll never get to use it.
Federline baby
   WILL THE REAL FEDERLINE BABY PLEASE STAND UP? As I was first to report the Federlines entrance into this cheeto, Jack Daniels, Red Bull and cigarette world, the photo I used of the faux baby Spears Federline offspring has been widely circulated around the internet spreading like Paris Hiltons legs...oh! I have stumbled upon the very photo I used in places far and wide, including the World of Britney site, quoting my words. I assure you photos of Charlie/Sean/Christian/Vegas/Preston/London have not been released yet. Kevin is still negotiating the price of selling his sons first pictures to the highest bidder- and that sure isnt me- as well pricing a video of Britneys C-section birth. Because we all want to see her being sliced open, right? Right!
Renee: "Kenny- you're a fake and a fraud and you're gay!"
  I don't know whats worse, getting a divorce or being caught in almost the same exact dress as Mariah Carey. Renee Zellweger Chesney is going to drop the Chesney from her name, surprise, surprise. I thought that was a union that would last forever- or at least two years. You mean to tell me that K. Fed and Britney have the most solid marriage in Hollywood? This causes me to weep large vodka tears. The divorce papers state "FRAUD" as Renee's reason for the split. Which in Hollywoodspeak, means she just found out he was going on tour with Clay Aiken. In other words, Kenny is as a gay as a three dollar bill in Elton Johns billfold.
KATE? What happened to you?
 Death Watch: 2005. Kate Moss loves the white powder, especially up her nose, in her brain and traveling through her bloodstream! I see her new husband is a really good influence and his head looks like its on crooked. He's too wasted to care and she's too wasted to notice. Heroin chic is sooooo 2004, people.  Kate? I'd like to put you on my new show called, Celeb Detox. Umm...I think you need help. Do you want Naomi Campbell to clock you in the noggin and drag you to Promises?
Celebs Send their best wishes
 After her c-section, Britney retired to her expensive, private room ($20K a night) where she enjoyed a gourmet meal- organic jerky- created by the personal chef she hired to cook in the hospital room suite. She had all the rooms on the floor cleared out so she could have her privacy. A security team is stationed at the hospital, I know because I went to bring her a hand knitted cashmere baby blanket and a six pack of Red Bull tied with a blue bow and I was turned away. Don't they KNOW WHO I AM? More celebs wanted to weigh in with their congrats:  Welcome to the world, baby Sean Federline! 6lbs. 11oz.
 Eminem: "F**** &#*@()!! That *#&$&. Shit man, #&@^^!~*&!!!!!"
 Jay-Z & Beyonce: "Im sending you a Destiny's Child greatest hits cd. Badonkadonk to the shizzle."
 Cameron Diaz: "hee hee hee!"
 "A little book for you Britney!" Jude Law: “I like women who have had babies because I know they put out. When will she be free to you know, umm, date?”  Jessica Simpson: "It should have been ME! I should be getting all the attention!"
 Jennifer Aniston: "Will she breast- feed?"
 Gwyneth Paltrow: "Apple can speak Spanish, you know. She can say 'hummus' in Latin as well."
 Paris Hilton: “C-sections are hot.”
Nicole Richie wants to know how Britney is going to lose the weight. Ashlee Simpson asks if Brit will teach the baby to lip-sync. Shar Jackson wants to introduce Kevin to a friend of hers. Jude Law asks how soon before Britney can have sex. Jennifer Lopez has a rabbit-pomeranian-poodle coat for the baby. Madonna is eager to teach the baby Kabbalah and buy him a white robe and booties. Justin Timberlake was crying. Cameron Diaz was cheering. P. Diddy has a set of rims for Sean Federline. Kevin is in Las Vegas, partying at the Palms.
FORUM
I just came across this new forum and its great... Check it out, see you there!
Skinny Nicole
  If she loses any more weight, Nicole Richie will weigh less than the air she breathes and then she won't have to walk, she will be able to float to where she needs to go. If she loses any more weight, she can sit on top of her own wedding cake along with the plastic groom. Nicole can wear clothes from Kids Gap and pajamas from Baby Gap. She doesn't need X-rays, she can just stand in front of a window and doctors can see her bones. The cost of grocery bills have gone wayyyy down since she went on that 'all coffee, all day' diet. It works! Nicole can fold up and sit inside her bag. It's so much fun when she suddenly springs out! How much longer can this girl continue to lose weight before she ends up with a feeding tube in the hospital? I see her and want to feed her and steal her oversized leather bags and new shoes.
Happy Birthday you big Kabbalah...guy
 "My name is Guy and my wife beats me." It's nice to hear about celebrities utilizing a firm budget. Take Madonna for example. She recently spent $60,000 for her husband Guys birthday. She didn’t go too overboard which is refreshing. Madge bought Guy several white Kabbalah robes which is much thriftier than buying lets say several pairs of Gucci loafers which he probably already owns. I'm betting money that Madonna sends Britney's baby, Pee Fed tiny hooded Kabbalah robes in size 3-6 months. And according to the Kabbalah, Preston Federline will be getting a circumcision in eight days. That's nothing, before they were married, Madonna performed a circumcision on Guy using a paring knife and a chopstick.
Kate & Orlando and Jake & Kirsten
 "Hee hee ha ha! Ohhh, good one! I thought you said Kirsten and Orlando! Now that's funny!"  Thought bubble: "Johnny Depp...yum."
 "I was looking for an extra large dress with no waist or shape in a cotton-rayon-lyrca blend."
 Please, let this not be true. Although I know Kate Bosworth is bearding for Orlando, I have been reading reports that Orlando has been getting hot and heavy with freaking Kirsten Dunst of all people. I thought she was buying prenatal vitamins and sharing a home with Jake Gyllnyhllll. What up? Is she pregnant? One would come to that conclusion as we witness her shapless dresses and haus frau coiffure. Apparently, someone’s been flapping their gums around the internet blabbing that Orlando and Kirsten were all over each other at The Raleigh hotel pool. The two were making out, or maybe Kirsten was biting Orlando’s neck with her baby vampire teeth. The two are really “into each other” WHAT? I like Kirsten and Jake together. Orlando is too…HOT for her. Please. What about poor Kate? I hear she has been inquiring if the "Bearding Job" for Tom Cruise is still available. Is Ryan Seacrest hiring?
Cameron Diaz
"Why hello...distressedjeans. So we meet again."
 "Oh...you remember when I gave you the finger and told you to leave me alone? Ha, ha. I was totally kidding. And like, hee hee, I didn't mean to scratch your cheek with my nails. Hardy har."
 "You captured me swearing, farting and belching on camera? That really makes me think about how I mean I've been to you."
 "Well, see ya! Gotta go."
PETA vs. J.LO
 "Your mink-fox-alpaca blended belt and matching scarf and gloves do not amuse me."  "I love cinchilla eyelashes!"
 "PETA does not stand for Pamela's Enhanced Tits & Ass."
Heather Mills McCartney, Paul’s wife, strutted over to Sixth Avenue with camera crews in tow to give fur lover Jennifer Lopez a piece of her mind. But not her leg because that’s fake.
Thrusting photos of furry animals being skinned alive right under Jen’s nose, Heather tried to get a reaction from Ms. Lopez. Heather then brought out the video footage of innocent creatures being brutally killed so that women could wear mink trimmed pants and rabbit fur watch bands. Jennifer still insists on including fur trimmings on all her clothing except the track pants which you can find on any clearance rack at TJ Maxx across the country. "PETA has tried for years to educate her about fur - at first gently and quietly, and now like this," McCartney said. "She keeps saying she wants to be educated. So the next stage is I'll find out where she lives and show up there. And I'll get a hold of her at her premieres." oooh, smackdown! I can't wait to see how the uh...fur flies when those two go at it. Meow! KaPow! Bang! Hissssss....Thud.
La la la
 Move over Liza, you boozy old beard! Renee Zellweger is in negotiations with producers to redo the film, Cabaret. Renee would play the role of Sally Bowles made famous by Liza Minelli so many years ago. I tried to watch the film but Joel Gray in heavy makeup freaked me out and I had nightmares for weeks. In other news, Halle Berry is trying to talk Oprah Winfrey into making a movie about Billie Holiday. Halle desperately wants to be - who else- Billie. And if anyone can make Halle’s dreams come true it’s the Opster. Oprah, I want to be famous. I'm waiting...
Olsen update
 How did she manage to get a hold of K. Fed's old Hanes undershirt and Robert Downey's fedora? Damn, this chick has connections! Half of the mightly billionaire Olsen twins will not be returning to NYU this fall. Mary Kate decided she wanted to stay in California where the sun is brighter and the drugs are cut with diamond dust. She states she wants to “pursue independent study” because a regular classroom environment would be too stale for her. Ashley will remain at New York University and will be slumming it in the multimillion dollar apartment she bought last winter. In related news, the twins said they chose WalMart to carry their line of girls clothing because the mega-store is easily accessible for everyone and they really, really, wanted each and every person to have the opportunity to wear their synthetic fibers and cheap clothes. Awww, so considerate!
Jenfleck
  Jen enjoys a frozen yogurt while Ben wishes for a cigarette and a tequila shot. This is the only time in the last six years that she has been able to eat what she wants. Ben is finally seeking treatment for his obsessive gambling and fear of commitment. He goes to a therapist every week to discuss his jealousy of Matt Damon's successful movie career while his is sinking faster than the Titanic with Star Jones aboard. Don't let Tom Cruise get wind of the therapy, he might try to kidnap Ben and brainwash him against the evils of psychology. (((XENU))) I sure hope Ben keeps those anti-depressents undercover. I won't tell!
Lindsay talks about Brit-Brit
"Oh my gosh! Have you heard? Britney had her baby!"  "She had a c-section because her cooter was this big (( )). The baby could have fallen out if it got any bigger!"
"Kevin wasn't even there. He was outside smoking a cigarette, text messaging Shar Jackson! YES!"
 "Men are such pigs! Did I tell you how I went out with Ashton Kutcher three weeks before he started dating Demi?"
"I got a bootleg copy of the video birth of baby Preston. Wanna see? Kevin is selling copies on the corner of La Brea and Wilshire for $9.95."
Preston arrives via C-section, Britney eats Cheetos
 OH MY LORD! DID SHE REALLY? Was it gross? Was Kevin there?
 OOOH, ANOTHER BABY? CAN I ADOPT IT?
 Eddie, did you hear the news?
 It took a lot of work on Britneys part...
 consuming lots of nutrients..
getting lots of exercise...
 eating healthy snacks...
 But it all paid off.
The arrival of Preston Michael Spears ( P.M.S) Federline was heralded in with bags of Cheetos and Slim Jims for all. I still think he should be named Elvis Earl Dewayne Lonnell. Donatella Versace better be standing by because Britney wants those sequined hot pants available right NOW. I wonder where Kevin's obsession with the name Michael comes from. His other son, Kaleb Michael Jackson Federline- oops, I think I answered my own question! Yes the baby was delivered via c-section this afternoon, no word on whether a plastic surgeon was standing by for a tummy tuck.
Random Wednesday fun!
Look, it's Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal Cabbage Patch, signed by Xavier Roberts!
 The twins are "designing" clothes for boys. I hope Aaron Carter is their spokesmodel.
 Lance has one testicle and a glass eye. Sheryl has one testicle and a glass banjo.
 Ricky is gay! He adopted ophans and lives in Miami.
 Pete married Kate Moss. He snorts Ajax and sleeps naked on park benches.
 Monica is going back to school. Will she wear her blue dress on the first day?
 Victor, Jen and Ben. Wow, marriage has really aged Ben, I hardly recognize him.
 Nicole shops in the toddler department. Her boyfriend pushes her in a Bugaboo stroller when she is too tired to walk.
 "Yo, bitch! I didn't chose you to become America's Next Top Model so you could use your badonkadonk to shack up with a Brady!"  Adrienne Curry eats lots of "pork chopsh and apple shauce" with Peter Brady these days.
CONGRATS
 Congratulations to Seal and Heidi Klum who had a baby boy. He was born at 7:20 p.m. and weighed 8.9 pounds. His name is Augustus Henry Gloop. OOps, I got it wrong. His real name is Henry Gunther Ademola Dashtu Samuel.  And in other news, Britney has not given birth to Preston Vegas yet however she is resting at home, watching N'SYNC concert videos, eating bags of chips and snorting Skittles. Any day now, Brit, hang in there!
Angie & Brad
  Angelina and Brad are planning to get married as soon as the ink on his divorce papers is dry. The final documents will be done on October 2nd, so the two should be married on the 3rd. George Clooney who is a good friend as well as a lover to Brad Pitt has offered the use of his little shack in Italy as a place for the wedding ceremony. "They plan to wed this autumn at Villa Oleandra, the villa on Lake Como owned by George Clooney. According to the newspapers other than getting married in Como, they will spend part their honeymoon there."It is no secret that Jennifer Aniston couldn't stand George Clooney and his stupid practical jokes and pranks and his womanizing ways. George and Brad because close friends on the set of Ocean's Eleven and Jen and George never clicked. On the other hand, George and Angie get along very well and she certainly doesn't mind his cigar smoking and bed hopping, in fact- she might have even slept with him and Brad! Together, perhaps even with Rande Gerber to round out the experience. Clearly Angelina is dieting down to a size negative zero for her wedding day, just look at her stick figure arms. Brad really likes modern furniture and clean lines, perhaps he is hoping she will suddenly resemble a linear, sleek chair instead of a rounded womanly female.
From the official Ashlee website, greetings
 "Hey it's Ashlee! It's been an exciting and busy week for me! I just shot the video for my first single 'Boyfriend' for my new album called 'I Am Me' which comes out October 18th. I'm really excited for you all to hear it and see the video! You probably think its about Wilmer Vladeremama and Lindsay Lohan. You're right! I hate that bitch!! I am going to TRL next week to show the finished video and hope you'll all vote for it on the countdown. Daddy says my career- what career?- is in the toilet and I better do something to bring in more cash. I might be on Oprah and also host Saturday Night Live, this time without pretending to sing! I'll try to do it live but with lots of back up singers. Over the next few weeks, I'll be performing across the country, maybe topless if it will draw more fans, and I hope to see and meet some of you then! In the meantime, I'll be keeping you updated right here so check in often! Im also looking for a boyfriend so if you are in a boy band or have even been in a boy band or have ever guest starred on THE OC, I'd love to meet you! Much love! Xoxo"
4 Sale
 "I don't want to sell my New York City pad! But did you know my neice Emma is going to play Nancy Drew? Not that Jamie Lynn Spears! Pah!" In the market for real estate? Julia Robert's is selling her apartment on Fifth Avenue. I just might consider buying it. It's nice to be officially bi-coastal. As you know everyone here on the west coast is bi-sexual. Why not add bi-coastal as well? Jules, as I call her, is putting a $4.95 million dollar price on the 3000 square foot home she used to call home. It includes three bedrooms as well as a maids room. Thank goodness because where else would my housekeeper, Lupe Ayala sleep? And just where is Julia going? Most likely to a bigger apartment. How can her twins grow up stifled in a home with less than 5,000 square feet to play in?
Random.
 Jessica parties and it isn't with her husband Nick.  Regis is wearing more pancake than Jennifer Lopez. Here she demonstrates her school marm look and he imitates an old man.  No, really, is her nipple pierced? I can't tell. Yoo hoo, try MAC Lipglass in Prrrrrr. Its a little more flattering than that slash of crimon tide.
 I hope they aren't trespassing on Jennifer Aniston's turf!
Lindsay and I both love Marilyn Monroe. I've love to own that book. She should send it to me when she is done reading it. And by 'reading' I mean looking at the photos.
 Debra Messing and son Roman play. It's the nannys day off. Just kidding! She's sitting on the bench.
 Hilary runs and her dog flies.
Halle shops and fixes her shirt.
 MK looks like a hobo hippie.
 Who knew Kate Hudson and Mary Kate Olsen shared clothes?
Jude and Sienna, 4ever
 Don't give me that look, you were the one that cheated.  Sienna, you can't wear tight jeans much longer!  I hope whatever is in that cup is decaf.
Sienna Miller can deny the pregnancy rumors all she wants but my sources are telling me she is undoubtedly with child. Sienna and Jude are talking about a wedding, maybe in France which would work out well for me, because I really need a break. I love France in the fall, don't you? I thought Jude and Sienna were broken up but no…they are working things out meaning he is working on his cheating and addiction to sex. They are planning a wedding so their child can be born into a home with both a mother and a father, only to be divorced later. I hear Sienna plans on hiring a very unattractive nanny, a male nanny actually, to care for the baby. Jude swings both ways so who ever Sienna hires must be hideous and have a lisp, a gross overbite along with thick glasses and a limp. Splotchy skin wouldn't be a bad thing, neither would a hunchback, a goiter and thinning hair.
Food fight!
 Madonna and Guy Ritchie got a little out of control at a fancy restaurant recently. Guy was cutting Madonna’s food for her since she has eight broken bones and is wearing her arm in a sling. The two were eating at Moroccan eatery, Momo in London where the kabobs are to die for and the eggplant is like buttah. Guy, being the cheeky monkey that he is, wiped a piece of lamb on Madonna’s cheek. Which is really funny considering she probably couldn’t reach her napkin to wipe it off. She was all, "Guy, that was not humerous. Now hand me my linen napkin and wipe my face this instant!" and he just laughed at her. In retaliation, she tossed couscous in his lap. That silly, silly Madge! This began a food fight between the two and they left quite a big mess for the wait staff to clean up. But no one is complaining. Madge and Guy gave a huge tip and everyone was happy. I see a book coming out of this... Lotsa de Falafel. Days ago, Madonna took her Vicodin like a champ and accompanied Guy to the Toronto Film Festival where he showed off a really bad film. What a champ, that Madge. Stay tuned for a possible addiction to painkillers coming up on Celebrity Detox!
Michael is a party pooper
I’ma get, get, get, get, you drunk, Get you love drunk off my hump! My hump, my hump, my hump  GET TO BED! While Michael soaks his dentures and rubs Ben Gay all over his aging body, wife Catherine is more than willing to go out dancing until the wee hours and leave Gramps in the hotel room to watch C-Span and fall asleep by 10pm. Everyone –except Michael- was celebrating a golf match after a tournament in Wales. Michael's group lost and Catherine's won. I know nothing about golf other than commentators whisper on television and Happy Gilmore was a fantastic movie about the sport. Anyway, there was a party getting underway and Mike was being a grumpy old man. Said an eyewitness: "As they walked into the bar, Michael already looked tired and was in no mood to sign autographs for fans. But Catherine was really up for a good time...She started knocking back Bollinger champagne at $180 a bottle and red wine. There was a grand piano in the bar and the crowd got into a karaoke session... By 10:30pm, Michael, who'd been quiet during the evening and in no mood to celebrate, decided he'd had enough and went to bed.” Catherine wasn’t ready to pack it in for the evening, she was just getting warmed up! As if she were at Coyote Ugly, she hopped on the bar and started dancing with model Jodie Kidd. Was Cat wasted? Probably. Did she later lay in a pool of her own vomit? Things may have gotten that bad if Michael hadn’t rained on her parade and commanded her to get upstairs and in bed. I'm pretty sure Michael didn’t need to take a Viagra that night. No sex for him after spoiling her good time.
See-thru!
Jennie McCarthy is wearing a sheer black dress. You can see her bra and panties and she likes it that way. Jennie may be on the prowl for a new man since she is in the midst of a divorce. 
And she's not alone in this look...
Mischa, do you know your dress is completely transparent? Do you know your dress is really an oversize top otherwise known as a tunic? Slip some on True Religions, girlfriend.
Magazines...
      This months magazine selections feature all kinds of interesting tidbits from Paris talking about her low sex drive in Vanity Fair to Frances Bean in Teen Vogue wishing her mother would brush her hair once in a while. And then we have both Gyllenhaall siblings as cover models in Nylon and Out magazines respectively. Nicole Richie talks about herself in the pages of Ocean Drive, Britney is in Elle with her short soccer mom coif, and Mariah Carey is wearing a filmy see- thru dress with thigh high slits in Esquire. As I stare into my mirror applying yet another layer of DuWop lip venom with a faux mink lip brush, I wonder if my day to grace the pages of a magazine, with the exception of The Auto Trader, will come..? Cover model? Shoe model? When will the glossies come calling?
Botox!
  Sometimes too many botox shots and a few face lifts make it really hard to create expressions or move your mouth into a smile. You cannot always close your eyes completely and people accuse you of seeing the plastic surgeon one too many times. Thats not the case of Nicole Kidman. She is totally natural.
Fashion
 Gwen's Lee Press On Nails are frighteningly vampire-like.  Paula and Simon exchange a meaningful glance. The sexual tension is building between the two. She looks into his eyes and he looks down her dress.  Jesse Metcalfe may be sitting in between two hotties but his mind is on Bareback Mountain with Heath and Jake.
 "I can't wait to be the next Oprah!" - Tyra Banks
 Paris tries to sneak some self-tanner and bronzing powder into Kelly Osbourne's giant bag. Snipping her bangs was too hard to pull off without her noticing.
 Gwen Stefani proudly wears the colors of Jamaica. We are all united with the Rastas.
 Anna Wintour never misses a fashion show.
 My Anna Wintour hates leaving the house without her knitted sweater, matching cap and doggie lipgloss.
The Tyra Banks Show
 Tyra wants to be like....  Ricki Lake. But dont wait for ...
 Janice Dickinson to be on the talk show.
Tyra has a new show geared towards the young women of her generation. She wants to be the next Oprah or at least, Ricki Lake. The show will debut today, September 12. If she wants to book me as a guest, I am available but insist on first class treatment and a goodie bag. The Tyra Banks show will feature topics like family issues and self esteem, hair extensions and how to meet men. Tyra's set includes a runway so she can prance around like she’s on the catwalk, shaking her groove thang in a mesh thong and a bikini top. I'm quite sure she will invite her top model friends to come on the show and chat and drink coffee and talk about personal things. I really, really hope Janice Dickinson is a guest but I'm not going to hold my breath. I hear these two don't get along at all which actually would make for some really great tv! Get those two wrestling naked in a tub of jello and watch how fast the ratings go up.
Star, on the red carpet yet again
 She's bbbbbbaaaaaaackkkkkkkk!
  Star Jones will be polluting the air waves once again as she plants herself on the red carpet at the Emmys. My repeated emails to the E! channel, offering up my services as a red carpet commentator have gone unread, my lists of why I should be on the red carpet have been ignored. A videotape of me naked on a red rug have been returned. All we have once again is Star’s hideous attempt at making small talk with Hollywood elite. She just doesn't possess the ability to have witty, clever banter with celebs like I do. Sad, but true. Perhaps if Star gets pregnant or adopts a baby, she will once and for all, leave the spotlight and dissolve into a black fart cloud. Star wants to have children with her bearded merkin, Al Reynolds, and says, “"We talked about it (adoption)... I'm 43, and although my body is still capable of carrying a baby, maybe, I'm not sure that it will be an easy process." Star, I think you should take a long, long, very long, leave of absence and give it a try.
Kentucky Fried baby, y'all!
 "I wish I hadn't cut mah hair, y'all!"  "I ain't never cutting my hair! Or washing it, yo."
 "What up? You like my sumo wrestler bun? Peace out, Fresno!" Britney Spears may or may not be in the hospital giving birth to Dewayne Lonnell Earl. Her publicist insists Britney is fine and is home, eating fried chicken and drinking frappes. News on the internet is reporting the Spears/Federline clans are at St. Johns Clinic in Santa Monica, eagerly awaiting the newest Federline to enter into the world. Britney has a scheduled caesarean at the end of the month if she doesn't pop the kid out this week. The latest name is Preston Vegas Spears Federline. They will call him PeeVee for short.
Whether she is having the baby right this second or not isn't important. Kevin going to back to work and leaving Brit is what we should be focused on. Britney has been arguing with Kevin over his deserting her to work on his musical “career”. Sure, he got a part time job coaching kids at Darrins dance center but he has big dreams of being the next Vanilla Ice.
Kevin has been spending a lot time in the recording studio getting ready for the release of his musical masterpiece. If his album comes out in December, a concert tour is not far away. And this would mean leaving Brit home with their new baby as he goes on the road, playing shopping malls and Chess Kings near you. Kev ordered Britney to get her ass back in the recording studio and start making money again.
Britney has also been fighting with her mother, Lynne. Apparently, Lynne has no trouble telling Brit she brought all this on herself when she got pregnant with baby Federline. Between Lynne and Kevin, Britney may go into labor from all the stress. Leave her alone with her bucket of fried chicken, y’all!
Oprah speaks, Jen needs a break
 "Come on up to my home, Jen. My twelve person staff will make you feel better!"  "Please bring me up to the front gate. I don't want to walk, I'm wearing Manolo's."
"Lunch is going to be from The Zone diet, right? Catered?"
 Jennifer Aniston takes refuge at Oprah's small but comfy home. Oprah was distressed to learn the fine people of New Orleans had to wait three days for help after Hurricane Katrina pummeled the town. She flew in to offer assistance, along with a camera crew, as soon as she could. Oprah was completely horrified to see the city and surrounding area torn apart and ravaged. In reference to the men, women and children having to wait for help, The Mighty Oprah said, “I think this country owes these people an apology. This makes me so mad. This should not have happened." I agree and if Oprah would like to fly me down to New Orleans, I will be more than happy to do what I can to help out. In other news, Oprah opened the solid gold, diamond encrusted doors of her Santa Barbara estate to Jennifer Aniston who is suffering from a beating to her heart, with all this Brad and Angie and divorce stuff going on. A golf cart (chauffered of course!) took Jen around the enormous, well manicured estate where she luxuriated in Oprah's massive, lavish home, hoping to nurse her broken heart and shredded spirit. Sometimes, you just cannot get any peace at your multi-million dollar Malibu beach front home and you need to be comforted at someone else’s estate. It's good to be friends with The Winfrey.
Viva Las Vegas, baby!
 
I was in Las Vegas this weekend which explains why I have not updated the site. Thank you for all the emails asking when I would be back. I'm back, people. No need to worry! I had a lovely time in Sin City and headed over to the Palms at midnight on Saturday for the Nicky Hilton fashion show brought to you by Maxim magazine. I was able to get up close and personal to Ms. Hilton whose eyes are so blue, I thought for a moment I was back in Grand Cayman where the water is clear azure. I introduced myself and she shook my hand and chatted for three minutes about her clothing line. It was very exciting and wonderful and I looked fabulous in a short black dress with a long pearl necklace and my hair pulled back in a low pony tail. Because everyone likes to ask about my shoes, I will tell you details of my footwear: very high black strappy heels in a soft buttery leather and a cushioned instep. Because I did not want to appear to be an overzealous fan and because I did not bring my camera, I didn't get a photo of Nicky and me together. Also absent was my camera cell- phone because I do not own one. I didn't get her autograph because I don't do that, I give out autographs, if you know what I mean.
J. LO
 Remember that old lady with the huge sunglasses from those Old Navy commercials?  It wasn't so long ago that a memo from Sony leaked out into the mainstream and we found out the record company had paid off radio stations to play Jennifer Lopez tunes among others. Now we know the truth: her popularity was paid for.  Marc Anthony borrowed this jacket from Kevin Federline. If you will recall, K. Fed wore it to the Willy Wonka premiere.  If Marc tucked himself into a ball, he could actually fit in that bag and Jennifer could carry him.
IQ: 98
 Popdirt: From 'Late Night with Conan O'Brien' on Wednesday night, Conan had a new segment called 'Celebrity Survey'. Asked 'When I saw flags flying at half-mast in Washington this week, I thought...' Dick Cheney wrote 'Our country has lost a great Chief Justice'. Hillary Clinton wrote 'The Supreme Court will never be the same'. Jessica Simpson wrote 'Gilligan deserved this'.
????
 Who said:"It’s a love/hate thing but we’re very close. I'm glad I got my implants but sometimes they’re in the way.”
Nice dress!
 Renee Zellweger has a great idea for filing away credit card statements and various bills. Simply tuck them into the top of your dress for easy access. I hear conflicting reports of the marital status of Mr and Mrs Baldy Chesney. Some people say they are trying to have a baby. Others say the marriage is in trouble. Either way she is in Europe to promote Cinderella Man wearing bad fashions and looking hungry.
Jen A.
 "Stay off my beach! And ..peace."  Jennifer Aniston goes out for a bit of shopping after having to deal with people on her turf. How dare mere common peons take a stroll in front of her Malibu beach home? Its taken a day to recover but she slipped on a pair of well-worn jeans with the knees blown out and headed to Beverly Hills to spend some money.
Oh Tara!
 Gallery of the Absurd Tara Reid said, “Im getting smarter by the minute!” and she has a fantastic, brilliant idea that will bring in tons of cash and drugs and naked men! After she lost her black Balenciaga purse at the airport, she came up with a scheme and it goes a little like this: “I want to make a purse that has a tracking chip in it! It will be like on-star, you can call and they will say ‘your purse is on 52nd street’ then you can go get it!" I think Coach is utilizing this idea right this minute! Incidentally, do not stash your personal jewelry collection and your Rolex watch in your handbag while traveling. Tara was quite upset to lose hundreds of thousands of dollars and after gazing thoughtfully at her chest, the police said catching the thief that stole her drugs, I mean, jewels, are slim to none. So long precious rubies, diamonds and sapphires! And Marlboro Reds, condoms and vials.
Random...
 "Yes my husband is skinny but he has a huge penis and is very rich."
 Wrapped with blue paper and tied with a big purple bow, I know what Jake is getting for his birthday! I didn't know you could gift wrap an entire person. Does Neiman Marcus charge extra for that?  John Mayer and a gaggle of teeny boppers. My friend Trina thinks he's hot. He looks like he's yellowed with age like unbrushed teeth.  Apple Martini is too cute. Will baby Vegas Elvis Dewayne Federline be as precious?  Hey! It's actress Leelee Sobieski. Did you think it was a middle aged tourist? What's worse, the voluminous paisley palazzo pants or the gold Capezio shoes? The red low cut tank top and the pendulous breasts or the oversize hat? The socks? So much to chose from!
 "Hee hee! It's fun spending lots of money! I love shopping at LV! Nothing hides my zits like a new LV bag!"  Who's that girl? Oh its Cameron Diaz! I almost did not recognize her without her angry facial expression, digital camera and pointed middle finger.
David to Simpson girls, "I hate you!"
 reader submitted photo
David LaChapelle- photographer, music video maker, friend of Pamela Anderson and director, is spewing venom directed at the Simpson’s. No, not Marge and Homer, but Jessica and Ashlee. He commented, "They're everything that's wrong with music! Out of everything combined, they're everything wrong with culture, and everything wrong with art, and what we think of as art and musical culture - in one family!"David is reportedly upset that Jess and Ash refused to pose for him for a Rolling Stone cover. Call me David honey, I'll pose for you! Naked or with a feather boa and stilettos. Mr. LaChapelle concluded his rampage by saying, "They're nothing. They have nothing. They hold no interest whatsoever for anybody," he bellowed. "They're reality-red-carpet, lip-synching television stars. I don't know what they are beyond that. I don't think they offer anything." MEOW!
Mrs. Tom Cruise, call me Kate
 In case you were wondering, Katie Holmes is planning on changing her name once she marries crazy alien Tom Cruise. Tom prefers to call her "Kate" which he thinks is more mature. She will use the name Kate Cruise professionally and personally. So if you are planning on sending her a note, please remember to use her new name. Tom and Kate...Remember those wacky thetans with the anal butt plugs and microchips in their brains? They haven't been around much lately. Probably because they are off visiting planet Xeniper on their newly remodeled spaceship with Jenna Elfman and John Travolta. That and because they don't have movies to promote at the moment. And because Kate is under a 24 hour watch.
Kirsten has a message...
 Thanks Kirsten, I'll keep it in mind. Do you do windows?
Xtina!
 Christina, wearing her comfortable "first class private jet" ensemble. Russian rich guy Andrey Melnichenko gave Christina Aguilera $2 million to perform at his wedding in the south of France.
One wedding gust gushed, “She did a great job! There wasn’t a dry eye in the house.” She sang her song, "Beautiful" and I'm certain she was thinking of me as she sang. Who do you imagine she was thinking of? Britney? Please!
Christina was flown first class to Cannes and was set up in a suite in a fancy hotel along with her fiancé, Jordan. Enrique Iglesias and father Julio were also there to sing but who cares about them? Whitney “Hell to the NO!” Houston joined in as well. Sounds like a screaming party!
Ahem, why wasn’t I invited? DON’T THEY KNOW WHO I AM? Maybe my invite was lost in the mail. That must be it.
PINK
 Tats are HOT. Love the ink. Matching dog tags are cute. Really low pants are not.  Where is the shirt that says 'Distressed Jeans is the BEST EVER" ? I must send her one, pronto!
Posh & Becks
 "Darling, what did you say...late again?"
 "I'm sorry, it's impossible to get out of this. I'm going to be late. Don't wait up for me luv. Another bloody long practice."
 "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?"
Call him Mike "Butch" Jackson!
 Michael Jackson is currently in Bahrain - certainly the place to be- for a makeover! Mike has been lifting weights and plans to “wear shorter wigs, less makeup and try to look like less of a freak”. When I need a makeover and a fresh start, Bahrain is certainly the first place I think of. They have a super fantastic assembly of hair and makeup stylists over there as well as top notch fashion. LESS of a freak, shorter wigs? What? He wants his milkshake to bring all the boys to the yard. Mike has his eyes Celine Dion's sweet gig. His end goal is a long term contract to perform in Las Vegas.
Wienerschnitzel!
 "I've got all these girls around me, yet..all I can think about is Heath Ledger. When does that movie come out? The one about the naked cowboys? I'm hungry for a foot long hot dog with an extra soft bun."  I've seen better. (((YAWN)))
 "Yeah, baby! I did a nude scene with Heath and it was HOT. Kirsten's got nothing on that boy, he is SMOKING!"
Oops!
 You caught me! I was at the NFL celebrity kickoff celebration and since Jessica was nowhere to be seen...Nick Lachey grabbed me and insisted I pose with him. Dont look too closely, I had an accident with the self tanner as I was walking out the door, hence the orangina color of my normally perfect skin! Next up: Nick and Distressed Jeans on MTV, our own show!
The bomb
 Boobies! Only a man in a bright, vivid, lemon tunic would allow Tara to sit on his lap. Poor fashion sense must equal inability to understand who this drunken party girl in a low cut blue dress with plastic looking boobies is. Its boobie time! I mean, party time. I hear she brings her own sani-strips with her. That's really thoughtful. Smile, big guy in the yellow!!
 Mmmmm. A Tara sandwich and she brings her own...buns. If that guy in the black wasn't crushing the side of her chest we might see a peek of Tara's implant. Look closely and see the Dow Corning stamp of approval! Have you witnessed the bomb which is Taradise? Yes. I have. And I must be honest with you. I can do better and if you want me to tell the full truth, you can do better. Im not setting myself up with the lofty goal of being the host of the show. But I hear the E! channel is taking applications so...go for it. Yes, I'm talking to you. Paris? Yes, you.
Jennifer Aniston: woman scorned and a big bully!
 "If I catch you walking on my part of the beach again, Im calling the cops. Or Vince Vaughn!"  The caption of the photo said Jennifer Aniston stormed out of her beach house in Malibu to tell these people not to walk on the public beach in front of her private property. How do you kick someone off the beach? "Hey! Hey you! Go away! This is my backyard, who do you think you are? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I'M RACHEL GREEN! From Friends? Leave my beach front propery at once! Before I call the cops! Get going! NOW." See- the thing is, Superstar- the beach is public which means anyone can build a sandcastle or walk their dog or pop a squat right in the sand in front of your house. They can bring a picnic basket of Koo Koo Roo fried chicken and a bag of Sour Cream and Onion Ruffles and a six pack of Coors Light and spend an afternoon right there in your line of vision! In fact, tomorrow I'm going to get dressed in my Betsey Johnson sundress and my fancy espadrilles and pack my Longaberger basket full of wines and cheeses and fat free chips with Olestra which give me horrible gas and anal leakage and I'm going to sit right there in front of your beach house and have a leisurely day. Enjoy!
It be Jamie Lynn Spears y'all!
   "Y'all, mah sister well, she gone done and git herself pregnant with a Federline, y'all! She gonna be havin' a baby and she gonna name him Vegas Presley Jamie Spears Federline but mah mama thinks she oughtta name 'im Jimmy Dwayne Chuck Federline. Then that thar hubband of hers tells her they gonna name the baby Elvis Bobby Earl. We just don know what mah sisters gonna do. But we got her some new clothes for the baby. Yup. Y'all, Donatella Ver-say-chee says she gonna make the baby all new clothes. Brit wants lil' teeny mesh half shirts and teeny overalls with sequins. Yep she shur does." Seriously, Jamie Lynn just wants us to help the poor folks who lost their homes in Louisiana, her home state.
Kirsten & Orlando
 I hope Orlando doesn't notice...  "I probably shouldn't have had that burrito for lunch. I'm feeling a little gassy right now. "  "Can they tell I'm super-bloated? Perhaps my pea-soup colored outfit will distract the paparazzi."
Motherhood
 Tea Leoni and her son Kyd Miller go for a stroll in - where else? - Malibu. We call him Miller and drop the Kyd.  Liv Tyler and son Milo. What, no nanny?
 Jennifer Garner is all, "Ben, I ain't gonna deal with this to-da-ay!"
 If Heidi Klum doesn't give birth soon, I fear her stomach is going to explode and a four year old will tumble out.
 Denise Richards takes her daughter Sam for a walk. She is rumored to be getting back with serial cheater Charlie Sheen. If Denise can forgive Charlie, then maybe there is hope for Sienna and Jude.
Revolving door of Hollywood dating ...
 I can poke your eye out with my hip bone.  It's always nice to have someone pick your bikini bottom out of your secret crevices.
 Camel Toe threat: High
Mischa Barton is dating Cisco Adler who used to date Kimberly Stewart. Kim used to date Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild infamy who dated Paris Hilton. Paris went out with Fred "small penis" Durst who slept with Britney Spears. Brit dated Justin who is with Cameron who as we know dated Jared Leto. Jared dated Ashley Olsen who went out with Richie Akiva (co-owner of nightclub Butter, or Buttah as I call it). Lindsay Lohan has been seen with Richie. Linds dated Wilmerama Vladerhanabanana who went out with Ashlee Simpson. Hilary Duff was caught in a feud between teeny bopper Aaron Carter and Lindsay. Aaron Carters brother is Nick who dated Paris Hilton. Who am I forgetting? All roads, once again, lead back to Jared Leto, somehow. I think even Jake Gyleenhallal went out with him before dating Kirsten "baby teeth" Dunst. It's all rather confusing but I think its important to understand there is a very small dating pool of single men in Hollywood. It is essentially one big revolving door of Starbucks, cocaine and night-clubbing.
Paris and Paris and Colin?
 Paris and her boyfriend Paris at the Dime Bar. I see Paris L. is going for a new look, The Little Dutch Boy or as you may be more familiar with The Prince Valiant coif. Something about bangs on men just makes me want to cover my eyes and scream.  Paris Hilton poses at a Hurricane Relief party with a greased up member of the Village People. I love it when they sing 'In The Navy'. It really gets me going, you know? I think she is posing with the police guy but I can't be sure. Wait - Jared Leto who is over at my house right now mixing drinks is telling me that is none other than Colin Farrell? How very.. uh..butch.
PUSH! and look into camera three...
 "We's gonna haf a baby and y'all can watch!" Britney and Kevin are planning to tape the birth of Lonnie Earl Wayne and then broadcast it for our viewing pleasure. At this moment, offers from networks are pouring in, some reaching $9 million! For $500,000 I’ll allow a camera crew to come into my house and watch me shave my legs and get a bikini wax. I think that’s quite a bargain actually. I suppose the viewing public would rather watch Britney's dirty feet up in stirrups trying to push out baby Federline while being hand fed Doritos by Kevin. I understand.
Britney is considering this offer because she wants to offer her financial help to the people of New Orleans. Also, she is down to her last million and Kevin has no idea how he went through her entire life savings in less than one year. After all, his taste isn’t exactly champagne and caviar, it's more like jerky and Cheetos but those manpris are actually pretty pricey. Bling bling!
Lohan at the beach
 "I'm like, so totally fit now. I can do this yoga pose. Like, look at me! Quick before I fall over!"  "We are two normal chicks at the beach, all happiness and unicorns!"
"I said get UP AND GET ME MY RED BULL! NOW!" It's nice to see Lindsay Lohan having fun on the beach with her little sister and her friends. Other photos show Lindsay with a cigarette hanging out of her pie hole and a Red Bull in her hand. There is nothing quite as refreshing as a day in the sun throwing back vile tasting energy drinks and puffing away on a Marlboro. Really, what else is there? Lindsay is rumored to be dating Ashley Olsen’s ex- boyfriend, Richie Akiva. Lindsay also went out with Jared Leto whom Ashley dated. Wilmer Vladerhianaha dated Ashlee Simpson and Lindsay Lohan, perhaps at the same time. He's a double dipper. Jessica Simpson met Justin Timberlake but they never went out. Cameron Diaz, who is with Justin despite break-up rumors, dated Jared Leto for a few years and maybe the two even dropped acid together and smoked pot. Jared was also linked to Scarlett Johansson but his druggie ways were too much for her. If you want to sit down and draw a gigantic tree of who went out with who you will see that all roads eventually lead back to Jared Leto. But its nice to see Lindsay looking happy and healthy at the beach, isn't it?
Next in reality: Madge and Guy
 I love this image of Madonna and I'm going to use it over and over again. It really shows what a kind hearted and caring individual she is. To be giving the finger during a concert to aid those who are starving and poor...is just...tasteless is one word that comes to mind. Lotsa de Casha! Anyhoo, I hear the producers of Being Bobby Brown ("Just shove it in there Bobby, just give it to me! Hell to the no! Hell, no Bobby!") are courting Madonna and Guy Ritchie for a reality show. Would you want to hear Madonna in her faux British accent talking about Kabbalah each time you turned on the television set? A better idea is to get Bobby and Whitney, Madonna, Jessica Simpson, Courtney Love, Ryan Seacrest, Aaron Carter, Lindsay Lohan, an Olsen sister and Mischa Barton on a deserted island and have them go at it, Survivor style. Now that would be television worth watching!
Jessica takes Daisy to the vet
  Jessica takes her dog to the vet wearing a short dress and high heels. That is exactly what I wear when I take Anna Wintour to get her anal glands drained. I like to pair Prada with my trips to each physician I visit. The top photo looks like a washed out pop star trying to thumb a ride on the 101. Looking for a ride in the General Lee, missy? What could she be carrying in that Hefty cinch-sack pocketbook slung over her shoulder? The strain of carrying her assistant in there is going to throw out her back and then what will she do? Who will carry the Louis Vuitton doggie carrier then, hmmm?
US Weekly- Sinners and Winners Fashion
 Kelly, lose the bangs and the gloves and I think you just might inch your way out of the worst dressed list.  Pam, get smaller implants and start wearing couture!  Nicole, maybe you were a winner this time, but if you added ten pounds and gave me that cute purple bag, I think that would ensure the best dressed list I'm working on.
WINNERS
-Nicole Richie
-Jessica Simpson
-Jessica Alba
-Mischa Barton
-Sienna Miller
-Oprah Winfrey
-Lindsay Lohan
-Kate Hudson
-Halle Berry
-Eva Longoria
SINNERS:
-Britney & Kevin
-Mariah Carey
-Kelly Osbourne
-Nicollette Sheridan
-Paula Abdul
-Patricia Arquette
-Mary-Kate Olsen
-Pamela Anderson
-Julia Roberts
-Venus & Serena Williams
The Next Big Thing
 This book offers a peek into reality television. I'll admit I love reality tv. Survivor, The Apprentice, Amazing Race...I'll be on any of them except I Want To Be Playmate which I'm sure is in production as we speak. Johanna Edwards debut novel, The Next Big Thing is getting great reviews and I think I hear a distant rumbling of a movie buzz...for our interview click here.
Debra Messing in a bathing suit
 Debra Messing in her bathing suit. This is a real woman's body, lumps bumps and flaws. Pale, un-mystic tanned skin, unflattering bikini top- basically your normal person who can be found on any beach from Santa Monica to the Jersey Shore. Thanks for keeping it real, Debs. Debra has been whimpering and complaining around town that all the good movie roles are going to Jennifer Aniston. And I want to point out that I lost out on the role of "Grace" to Debra, whose nose is bigger, chest is flatter and hair is redder than mine. I won't complain about not getting the role in The Wedding Date because that movie was a clunker. I saw it over the weekend and had to take a shot of liquid caffeine to keep my eyes open, however, Dermot Mulroney? Lick, lick...meow!
The Ghyllleenhaallh Kids
 "Remember what we looked like before our nose jobs? Aha ha ha! Ha hee!"  Jake strikes his "thinking man" pose as he reflects upon his choice of wearing a carrot colored tie, while Maggie ponders the eternal question: "Do I look like a Cabbage Patch doll?"
Renee and her white legs
 Love the ring, darling! I have one just like it in blue! 
See what a good microdermabrasion and mystic tan can do? I suggest a glossy lipstick in a sheer red. Love the hair color, Renee!
While I'm quite sure Renee is lovely and softspoken in person, I cannot help but imagine that there is a very unstable quality to her. One minute she is all pillowy sweetness and the next she is a knife weilding lunatic, you know what I mean? I hear she spends HOURS on her treadmill and to that I say, isn't there more and better things to do in life like shop, drink coffee and help poor people? You know, the people whose zip codes arent in the 90210 radius? Anyhoo, perhaps someday Mrs. Chesney and I will meet face to face and when that occurs, I will certainly tread carefully as not to provoke the voices in her head.
Ben N' Jen
  Ben and Jen in the Dairy Queen parking lot. He holds a large cup, I'm quite sure he is eating/drinking a Snickers Blizzard with Oreo cookies mixed in. A little mid-morning snack. Ben, what's up with the small purple shirt? BS should take a lesson from Jennifer Garner who always looks cute and more importantly, clean.
Guess: Whose legs...?
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Did she or didn't she?
reader submitted photo, thanks christy!  Did Angie get a little nip and tuck here and there? Are her boobs real? Did she thin out her nose, get injections in her lips? Will we ever know the truth about her beauty?
Nicole Richie dedication
 "I love you skinny bones." "I love you too skeletor." Nicole and her boyfriend were in love back when he was weighing in at 320 pounds and she was 120. That's true love. They love each other so much even when there's less of them to love.  Before Nicole started "working out with a trainer" and "watching what she ate".
 Nicole and Mischa go out for an evening of dancing, drinking and gossiping about Tara Reid.
Does the Weird Al look- alike know he has toilet paper hanging out of his pants?
 I love presents! I'm assuming thats for moi? My birthday was back in February but I accept gifts any time of the year. I hope there's not an Olsen twin in that box, folded up like a little acrobat. I would have to ask for a gift receipt.
 Coffee, coffee and more coffee. The secret to staying slim? A very large, strong cup of coffee and a few ex-lax tablets throughout the day.
 Nicole and Brandon Davis. "Do you have the goods? I have the cash. Don't tell Mischa."
 Nicole's method of transportation? A ride on the DJ Am, bareback. Isn't that how Madonna broke her rib?
 I would be open to a photo spread in a fashion magazine where I could wear gorgeous dresses and talk about myself. I have much to say about colonics and vodka and shopping.
 There was no airbrushing at all for this cover. I have the same tiara, in fact, I'm wearing it right now with my pajamas and red lipstick.
Nicky and Paris
  Clearly Nicky Hilton is going to be seeing Rumor Has It, as she is a Jennifer Aniston fan. The popular high end store, Kitson, reports the Team Aniston shirts have been selling like crazy while the Team Jolie shirts are now on the 90% off sale rack. Where are the Team Maddox and Team Zahara polo tops?
Random weekend photos
 This confirms my impression that everyone smokes in Hollywood. Even pretty, bald Natalie Portman.  Sandra Bullock recently went on a spending spree where she bought a bunch of high end maternity clothes. Expect an announcement of her pregnancy soon. And congrats Sandy! I know you read and love this blog.
 Sarah may be a fashion icon but her son prefers his pajamas for a day out on the town.
 I'm glad Sarah lets the men in her life wear what they want. I, on the other hand insist my men wear cotton fabrics, loose denim jeans and cool shoes.
 Christina has a broken finger but with jutting implants and hooker makeup, who cares about a broken digit? Dang, Christina! I see London, I see France, I see Christina's boobs.
 Uma and Ethan with their children at the park on a lovely fall day in New York. Ethan always looks like he just rolled out of bed and smells like yesterdays tunas sandwich.
 How funny, I wore this exact outfit to run over to Whole Foods just this morning. I got a lot of funny looks but I think that's because people are jealous of fashion forward beauties like myself. The whole ensemble just wouldn't be the same without the hat, you know?
 Another person who is rumored to be pregnant, Gwen Stefani. She actually goes to sleep with her signature red lipstick on her lips.
 Men with feathered bangs...no. Even if your name is George Clooney. George is planning to open a casino with Cindy Crawford's husband, Rande Gerber in Las Vegas. George and Rande are "business partners" and I think you know what that really means. Brad Pitt is going to be an investor. All three men have had whispers of bisexuality surrounding them for years.
 The new trend I am going to ignore is very tight and skinny jeans as Ashlee demonstrates in the above photo. Think back to 1986 and your Bonjour's worn with LA Gear hightops and a plastic comb in your back pocket.
Emmy Awards luncheon
 "We haven't had an plastic surgery, really!"  Producer Marc Cherry with his housewives. Recently a party was held for the Emmy nominated writers and I cannot believe I was snubbed yet again. I had a lovely D &G gown picked out with borrowed, diamond encrusted Jimmy Choos and a sweet handbag trimmed in sequins along with a Harry Winston necklace. I got a full body wax and a mystic tan along with golden highlights and a consultation with my Aura Reader who confirmed I would receive wealth and accolades. But unfortunately for me, my nomination must have gotten lost in the mail and Teri Hatcher was invited instead. She wore a minty green version of the same dress she wore on Howard Stern. And Marcia Cross went in for her botox shots, if you look close enough you can see a reflection of the cameras on her forehead.
Apple's first steps!
 Apple and Gwyneth go for a walk where baby Apple Martini takes her first steps. Of course the paparazzi captures every moment of it and we love thank them for sharing. 
Hilary Duffster
 Hilary Duff kindly demonstrates just how big her leather bag is. I think the color is very complimentary and the inside is rather comfortable as well. You cannot tell in the picture but I also have my dog Anna Wintour in there with me along with a copy of Allure and a mini-cd player. I offered to scooch over so she could sit in there with me but she also wanted to show how strong she was, lifting me using only one arm. And she's not even straining her biceps, what a strong chick! She may be thin but she is scrappy and tuff. Tuff Duff.
A peek into Lohans photo album!
 "I help the environment by creating peace where ever I go. Peace, bitches!"  "Like, oh my gosh! That guys shirt has like, so got to go! I just got an injection in my lips and I couldn't even talk or else I would have like, totally said something to him."  "Peace. And many shots of tequila."
 "And I want to spread love with Pamela Anderson. And maybe, like, touch her boobs."
 "This is my hippie look. MK said big boots make your legs look skinny. Peace. And thinness."
 "I'm all about peace and the love but sometimes I just want to be about the shopping, you know what I mean? Like, duh! I love to shop! Im having trouble with my lips. I can't move my lower face."
"I got another collagen injection and I am unable to move my lips at all. It really hurts but I dont think you can like, tell. Can you? I mean, it looks hot right? Im getting my eyes done next." 
"I love to spread the love. I like to kiss Ashlee because she is soft and smells like pears. I feel nothing in my lips because they are like, totally numb! I wasnt even sure if I was kissing her or not. Like, you know. I was thrilled that Gwen Stefani wore a leopard print dress too."
Jessica monkey lips
  Why oh why does Jessica insist on pushing her lips out like that? It bothers me. It's even worse in person, like she is sucking on an invisible lollipop. There should be a constant bubble over her head with a big question mark. Actually, there is. I've seen it. Its a big cloud of nothingness. Now I'm sure she is a very nice girl, ahem, but I wouldn't be heartbroken if let's say... someone offered to move her back to Texas where she came from, packing up her father and sister as well. Then she could be free to wiggle on top of a Camaro as her dad hoses her off in the front yard while sister Ashlee looks on and sings along with her Barbie radio.
Carmen Electra
 "We should totally get together some time and compare our notes on all the guys we slept with!" Dennis Rodman or Tommy Lee, is it true what they say?  "I'm really normal just like you but prettier with bigger boobs and smaller hips and lots more money."
 "I just told my hair dresser to give me a Farrah Fawcett hair do. The secret is lots of Aqua Net! And no panties!"
 "Dave loves it when I style my hair like the Bride of Frankenstein. He thinks its very sexy in a horror film- gothic kind of way. I can hide things in my hair like a tube of lipstick and my cell phone and somewhere in there is my dog and a guitar pick."
Randomness
Mischa Barton wears purple stilettos and is dating a young version of Wierd Al Yankovic. Mischa enjoys 90210 reruns, cocaine cocktails and looking perturbed.
 Sienna Miller may or may not be pregnant with Jude Law's spawn. Sienna enjoys bad boys, hairy legs and messy hair and unmade beds.
 Christina Ricci needs bangs. She enjoys chocolate cake with a squirt of whipped cream and diet coke.
 Kelly Clarkson is a big pop-star but not so big that she has a luggage carrier or a BBM to protect her. Kelly enjoys Urban Outfitters, Justin Guarini, brassy hair and black nail polish.
 Jesse Metcalfe enjoys paging through fashion magazines, eyebrow waxing and wearing ladies underpants.
 Someone should tell Harrison that his tee shirt is the color of baby poop. Harrison and Calista enjoy smoking weed, pretending they are father and daughter and renting boats in Europe.
 Bon Jovi doesn't believe in retiring. They collectively enjoy Ogilve home perms, Miami Vice blazers, and Paul Mitchell haircare.
 Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are kicking off their new fashion collection for young girls and the pre-puberty set. They enjoy counting their millions over grande non-fat lattes, smoking cigarettes, drinking vodka tonics and getting into hot night clubs. They do not like food or the digestive process. Mary Kate prefers not to match her clothes.
Eva & Mario
 That ain't no Tony Parker! Eva Longoria adds another guy to her growing list of men she has dated/been out with/slept with/ has been photographed with: Mario Lopez, that dude from Saved by The Bell. He cheated on Ali Landry right before their wedding, or was it right after? Either way he had an affair and caused the relationship to splinter and break and now he is labeled a philanderer. Just recently Eva was quoted as saying she loved Tony and he may propose marriage. She then went on to comment that he would never do anything "cheesey like Tom Cruise" as if proposing at the Eiffel Tower in Paris during sunrise can be construed as "cheesey". Programming your girlfriend with a robotic micro-chip and having her babysat by a Scientologist is "cheesey" or maybe a better word would be "freaky".
We's namin' the baby London Preston, y'all!
  Britney looks like an alien in the top photo and I mean that kindly. A martian from the planet Plasticus Surgicus with a brief stop at planet Boobicon in the bottom photo. Brit is planning on naming her son London, after the place where she and Kevin cemented thier relationship and by 'cemented' I mean 'had sex'. Thankfully they didn't consumate their relationship in Intercourse, Pennslyvania or that kid would be saddled with quite a moniker.
HELP
  Please take a second to look at these photos. Now notice I have a button on the right side that says MAKE A DONATION . It might be easier for some people to donate funds through a credit card so I set up a PayPal button. Any money that comes in will be donated to the American Red Cross for the hurricane relief. I will keep a tally online of what donations have come in so as a group we can help the city and the people that have been devestated by a force of nature so great we cannot even imagine.
Shar Jackson
 I could say something about a camel toe. Instead I'll say it looks as if Shar Jackson might be recording a song about how her man done her wrong. "You, with the cornrows, goin' to your ho's! You be gone! Take your puffy shoes and get out, don't tell me what its all about! You left me for a girl named Spears, now you make me wanna cheers...You gone! You gone!"  Shar and her posse of children look tuff! May I take a moment to point out that white pants on anybody, myself included, usually adds about ten extra pounds in photos? That and a camel toe make me avoid tight whites of any kind. And that is your fashion tip of the day.
Grow Pot, Make Peace
Pot Smokers of the World, Unite!
 Tara loves to put smoking things in her mouth.  Ricky likes to shake his Bong-bong!
 Kirsten Dunst calls her dealer.
 What drug doesn't Jared Leto indulge in?
 Hello! The girl has pot leaves on cups at her baby shower!
Brad and Jen loved to get high and play board games. There is nothing I like better than a dirty dish of celebrity gossip and I believe there is a new book that’s going to dish it up just like a big greasy plate of corned beef hash. The book 9021GROW is all about stars who like to fire up the bong and get high as a kite on a windy day if you know what I mean, wink wink.
This tell-all mentions doobie lovers Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston, Harrison Ford, Kirsten Dunst, Drew Barrymore, Luke Wilson, Jack Black, Ricky Martin, Tori Spelling, Luke Perry, Ian Ziering, Eddie Griffin, Martha Stewart, and more. More? Why not cut the book in half and talk about who isn’t smoking it? Back up- Martha? Did I miss the book she wrote on how to grow your own in lovely terra cotta pots in the backyard without attracting bees or police? “Readers get to find out: what prim and proper Gwyneth Paltrow thought when then fiance Brad Pitt took her to the store, what was really going on in Harrison Ford's trailer during the filming of his and Pitt's movie The Devil's Own, and how Kirsten Dunst showed CraigX that she was quite the marijuana aficionado.” If you just have to get your hands on this book which is neither endorsed or forbidden by yours truly, check out Craig's site by clicking here.
Smells like Sarah
 Sarah Jessica parker is launching her new perfume, Lovely. I'm sure it will sell like hotcakes. Or at least as well as Britney Spear's Curious. Or at least as well as a Parfumes de Couer imitation designer fragrances with a heavy alcohol concentrate. My own perfume, a delicate mix of gardenias and Malibu rum with the tropical essence of Hawaii will be available soon. It comes in a small glass bottle shaped like a pair of buttocks and will be accessorized with removable denim pants. The name is quite catchy- Eau de Distressed Jeans.
Hilton sisters
   You are going to be blown away and I'm not talking about forceful winds and a Wizard of Oz like phenomenon, lifting you up and swirling you around like a big tornado. I'm talking about Paris Hilton's debut album which I thought was released months ago. It will blow. you. away. Just like what was said about Ashlee Simpson's album. Wait- Im being blown all over the place and I don't like it. Stop the blowing! I'm so not up on what's going on with Paris these days. Is the wedding on or off? Who knows! She's managed to slip out of my sight like a slick freshwater pearl though my fingers. Paris notes, “My album is going to blow away everybody's.” And sister Nicky is busy showing off her new collection of clothing. Those wacky wealthy Hilton sisters! Always up to something.
Dorky Gwen
 Gwen, you were never a dork! It's very chic to admit you're a dork whether you really are or not. It make a celebrity seem…so…well, normal. Can you believe Beautiful People have self esteem issues too? They don’t just do a cartwheel out of bed and admire themselves in their well lit mirror with their pore-less skin and tanned bodies and minty breath and sculpted cheekbones? Perhaps I'm exaggerating a bit much. They slip out of their silk sheets, not cartwheel. Gwen Stefani, who is rumored to be pregnant, told a magazine, “I still think of myself as a fat little dorky kid from Orange County desperately wanting to be cool." Please!
Jessica and Nick, the saga continues
 Women can fake it so easily. Jessica shows us how.
 Jessica Simpson stopped snorting Ajax long enough to say this about Ashlee's new cd, "She wrote an amazing album. I think everybody is going to be blown away." Nick wasn’t very blown away by Jessica’s Video Music Awards outfit- you know the frilly shirt/bra combo? He begged her to change into something a little less 'Sunset Strip hooker on a Saturday night-ish'. She pouted to her father who reassured her that she looked great. Booooo hissssss to Nick. Apparently the two have been experiencing tension lately but have been showing a happy face in public. Maybe Nick needs to be blown…away. In related news, Nick will be starting a gig on ESPN which makes no difference to my life at all. It's not like he’s reporting for the style network now, is it? Says Nick, "I'm going to start reporting for ESPN in the fall, like special sports coverage. I'm going to be a reporter." Like, wow!
Martha, free at last- but no heavy drinking!
 Very soon Martha Stewart will be taking a pair of pinking shears and a turkey bone, using a set of solid gold ice tongs and removing her ankle shackle! And we are set to party like two crazy chicks with a bottle of vodka and a batch of homemade chocolate chip cookies made with vanilla flour. It's not going to be all unicorns and rainbows for Martha however. She is not allowed to get drunk, own a gun, or leave the federal district. Darn, I guess I'll be the one tossing back the booze while she creates a cranberry wreath! Martha needs to write up monthly reports of her activities and cannot associate with other convicted felons- Lil' kim, that means you honey. I dont think Martha will be partying with Courtney Love either. Martha's Apprentice show begins later in September where her catch phrases will include such quote- worthy comments as “Head back to the potato farm in Idaho” and “It's time to pick the corn, go home to Kansas” or “Juice some oranges in Florida, pack your bags!” Clever, witty and almost as catchy as "You're fired!" or the other famous quote: "I'm horny!" Wait- where did that last one come from?
I don't want mah cooter to hurt, y'all!
 Get the OR ready! Britney Spears is ready to give birth and says she thinks she will have Preston Earl Wayne Lonnell Federline by caesarean section. Britney has a feeling she "will have an operation. I don’t know why.” She says. “I don’t want to go through the pain.” Honey, there is no way to pop a watermelon out of a key hole and not feel pain. Brit goes on to predict: “Kevin is going to hold my hand.” And then y’all, as fast as you can say IT’S A BOY, Kevin will be lighting up some smokes outside and handing out cigars to all the pretty nurses. Just you wait. One look into my crystal ball and I see Kevin at the strip clubs in Vegas, tucking dollar bills into the firm thighs of a dancer wearing nipple tassles. Rejoice! Britney fans won't have to wait too long for a new album. She assures us we can look forward to some new music in 2007. This means she is headed back into the studio and hopefully- fingers crossed- K. Fed can do the choreography for the music videos! I see a collection of lullabies in the future and an entire baby clothing line called Lil' Stud, including mini manpris and extra-extra small wife beaters. Awwwww, cute!
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This is the dad that makes it happen. Former preacher who likes big pillowy boobs and writhing wet girls on cars.
This is the sister whose dog matches her hair and her boots match her roots. Who needs perfume for their belly button that tastes like day old bakery goods from the Hostess outlet?
This is the house that Ashlee bought. A multi-million dollar home that looks like the Getty Museum. I'm in the wrong line of work. Damn, I should have cut that album with Tommy Mottola when I had the chance.
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