Conversations about Famous People: 08/01/2005

Wednesday, August 31

Katrina

Every night I tuck myself into my fluffy four poster bed and head off to the land of sweet dreams where streets are paved in sequins and everyone is dripping in diamonds, where Jimmy Choo shoes and Prada handbags hang from trees, ripe for the picking.

And then sometimes, Mother Nature rears her Medusa- like head and wrecks havoc and then I have horrible images on the back of my eyelids where people are stranded and not safe, electricity is down, sewer rats are running down the sidewalks, homes are lost and earthly possessions are simply gone for good. And I can't stop thinking about it even though I am far, far away from where this horror took place. If you want to help, click here.

Random pix

Sandra and Jesse at the airport. They came over for dinner, we drank margaritas and did karaoke, it was so much fun. That guy can really carry a tune, let me tell you.

Do you think Kirsten would be mad if I yanked her top down? I think she might like it actually.

Jenny, I would never wear purple shoes with a hot pink tee shirt, please! I'll forgive you because you are going through a divorce. I was hoping you would remain married but I suppose in Hollywood this is nearly impossible. This just proves that money can't but happiness but it can buy lots of cute shoes and nice clothes.

Avril, why such a pouty puss? Do your feet hurt from wearing those very pointy shoes? Why are you always so angry? Would you like a band-aid?

Boink! Heidi Klum's belly has popped much like a turkey timer, we know her infant is almost done cooking and will be ready for his/her debut shortly. I hope she names the baby Sea Lion.

Jennifer Love Hewitt loves her tabloids! She has hired someone to follow her around and take photos of her reading the weekly rags. Shouldn't she be going on auditions or working on a spinoff of Party of Five or something?

Say SMILE, BITCH!

Cameron always appears so unhappy over having her photo taken. Smile Cam, its your birthday! Cameron just celebrated her thirty-third birthday and she looks angry. It's just another year, hon! And forty is the new thirty so relax - you're really twenty three, almost the same age as your boyfriend!

Why is she always carrying around a small digital camera? I think she might just have a portable printer that she keeps in her Toyota Prious so she can immediately examine the pictures with a magnifying glass and a waxy red pencil. In her trunk is where she keeps the darkroom which is impressive because who knew she was such a photography buff?

What's really going on here is that she is in hot pursuit of a 5'6 female with blonde hair who goes by the name, "Distressed Jeans". She brings the camera everywhere hoping to spot a photo of the elusive creature, much like the fabled Loch Ness Monster. No luck thus far. But Cam will continue to bring her camera where ever she goes, hoping for that high paying money shot.

Deep Thoughts

Let's all say it together...awwwwwww!

I wonder if Zahara will call him Dad or Brad? I wonder if Brad will propose marriage to Angelina on October 2, 2005 when his divorce will be finalized with Jennifer. Will he adopt Maddox? Does he want to have his own babies with blood sucking Angie? Does he enjoy horse tail whips and chains and sharp silver spurs? Does he pick the marshmallows out of his Lucky Charms?

Does Brad feel like Colin Farrell when he looks in the mirror with his black hair? Does Brad ever wish he hadn't hooked up with Angelina? Does she make him partake in wierd rituals and bathe in the droppings of bats? Do they shove pins under each others nails and like the pain? Would Brad and Angelina like to come over and play Naked Cranium with me?

These questions may never be answered. But it really makes you think.

Eva, next time just come out naked.

N'SYNCer JC Chasez’s new album will include some not-so-nice songs that pay homage to Ms. Longoria and her cheating ways.

Long ago, before she was sitting on the lap of basketball player Tony Parker, she dated JC. This of course was while she was also dating someone else, was it Keifer Sutherland? She has a noted history of overlapping boyfriends. Boyfriends who she says, break up with her after she has taught them how to please a woman. She has also taught guys how to be submissive by tying them up with cord and twine and duct tape and slapping their buttocks with a riding crop. And they say Angelina is wierd?

JC's songs will include “She Wears Me Out” and “F*** With my Mind” and a song entitled, “I Found You Out”...dang, JC is pissed! What's next an "Achey Breaky Heart" remix?

Soon to be released is a collaborative effort entitled “She Done Me Wrong” with songs by tv director Stephen Kay, actor Butch Klein, ex-husband Tyler Christopher and an entire cluster of angry men who have been unceremoniously dumped by Eva.

Jackie Stallone- prettier than Angie?

A turban is always in style, darling!

Jackie Stallone, infamous mother of Sylvester, has chosen an actress to play her in the movie version of her life. And isn’t it obvious?

Jackie claims to have supernatural talents and is able to see in the future so I am going to conclude this statement as a prophecy: She says, “ Angelina should play me. We look similar although I'm a lot prettier.”

Perhaps the screenplay will be ready by time Angelina is done filming The Good Shepard. Soon she will be seen in: Call Me Jackie, The Jackie Stallone Story.

Tuesday, August 30

Before: Your Favorite Stars

Brad Pitt: This is the best "before" EVER!

Mariah Carey: Nose job

Jennifer Lopez: Veneers, nose job, chin

Jessica Simpson: Boob work, eye lift, nose job

Sarah Jessica Parker: some say she had a nose job and to my trained eye, I only see a slight difference. Braces & cosmetic dentisty. I do like the Annie wig.

Pamela Anderson: eyes, nose, cheeks, lips, teeth, boobs, hair bleaching, waxing, veneers, rib removal.

Michelle Pfeiffer: Multiple nose jobs, teeth.

Lindsay Lohan: Oh my. What happened to you?

Katie Holmes: Now a robot

Kate Hudson: Nose job. Don't deny it, Kate. We can see.

Tom Cruise: Now an anal butt plugging Thetan.

Gwen Stefani: perhaps a nose job?

Nicole Richie: weight loss, nose job, removal of extensions.

Catherine Zeta Jones: Eyes, nose refinement, teeth, electrolysis of her hairline.

What are your thoughts? One thing is very clear: you cannot make it in Hollywood unless you have gone under the knife for at least one cosmetic improvement. Even gorgeous Catherine Zeta Jones has submitted herself to the skilled hands of a surgeon.

A fairy tale

Once upon a time there lived an innocent pop-princess. She was not really a girl or a woman. Neither was she a boy or a man. We don't really know what she was.

There lived a boy whose mother wore knee-socks and approved of her sons cannabis tee shirt and unlaced shoes. He was cool, yo. Peace out, Fresno!

Fate would soon bring the two together at a club in Los Angeles. Lack of hygeine would cement the union.

Bathing and clean shorts were a thing of the past. The two lived on love. And Cheetos and Red Bull.

Ding dong! Ding dong! Wedding bells chimed for the happy, yet dirty and slightly greasy couple.

The not-so- innocent singer wondered: "WHAT HAVE I DONE, Y'ALL? AND where is mah money?"

They figured Kevin should spread his seed far and wide so he impregnanted young Britney after fathering two children with someone else. Those are the only two kids that he knows of, there may be more.

Pregnant Brit deserves some love. A little pat on the rear and a "Bring me a beer!" Ever the good wife, she obliges and shuffles on swollen feet to get her husband a snack.

I present...drumroll please...

GQ's HUSBAND OF THE YEAR! ta da!

Come on ride the train, toot toot- the gravy train!

Monday, August 29

Puffy Diddy Sean Puff Combs P. Daddy Diddy Doody

I handed out a few shirts and I was very pleased to see Puffy Diddy Daddy wearing one. Thanks to the P to the D.

I knew he wouldn't mind if I joined in and brought my own brand of funk to the show, the White Girl Shuffle. Unfortunately, my dancing was cut from the broadcast!

Random

While Kirsten opts for a light glow with a mist of bronzer on her chest, Orlando obviously spent hours in a tanning bed to achieve his dark St. Tropez tan. I wish he had dedicated an hour to get his long hair cut. Snip snip.

I thought Lil Kim was in jail? She must have gotten a pass so she could attend the awards. Please Kim, keep your legs closed. I don't feel up to seeing a merkin of any kind.

What is a sleazy used car salesman doing at the VMAs? Can someone get him a box of Whitestrips?

When I ran into Carmen Electra on Melrose a few weeks ago, she commented on my blonde coif. Next thing I know, she's sporting an identical haircolor and style. Such a copycat!

Eva Longoria purposely created a gigantic pin cushion of hair to hide all the phone numbers she collected throughout the evening.

Duff stuff! I applaud Hilary's small chest because I'm sick of seeing fake orbs on women in Hollywood. However, I would like to invite Hilary into my home and feed her because I fear she is treading on dangerous Nicole Richie/Marc Anthony/Olsen twins territory.

Jessica at the VMAs

Too much coke? About to have a seizure? Quick! Call 9-11!

Ashlee's dress is kind of cute.

Jessica, are you aware that your shirt is falling off, exposing your bra straps? Those guys don't want your autograph, they want a peek at your jugs.

Ummm. I'm speechless.

Fergie

Stylists were put on Earth for a reason, mainly to help the wealthy celebrities dress up and be trendy and pretty. Fergie...what happened? From the back, the dress is ..meh. Looking from the front we can surmise the dress had an alternate life as a mullet. Short in the front, long in the back. From now on, I will refer this style of gown as The Mullet Dress.

I'm so busy trying to come up with a Big Bird reference that I didn't even notice the big plastic earrings which match the mint trim on the dress. Grandma has the same earrings which she wears with her caftan and flip flops down in Boca. You know how the seniors love their tacky jewelry and bright colors.

Courtney Love: sober and wearing underpants

I think what we should focus on is the fact that in these photos, Courtney Love may very well be sober. Please, don't think of her as stumbling out of her hotel room wearing yesterdays dingy underpants and a blouse from Wet Seal. With a jean skirt, that could potentially be a cute outfit!
She is even reading a book, perhaps a self help novel?

Ready to have me a baby, y'all!

"Y'all. I don't know how much longer I can stand bein' pregnant. Kev even went out and got hisself a job! I think he don't wanna be around me no more. He says I'm always complainin' about blowing that cigarette smoke in mah face! I's like, Kev, don't do that! You'll hurt the baby! And he's like, baby- bring me a beer! Fuh! He don't listen to a dang word I says!

Now, look y'all! I got sunburned sittin' outside yesterday. Kev said I looked like as white as a new do rag' and that I should go and git me some sun. So I sat outside and now look, y'll! I'm red and puffy!

So listen. Kev got a job as a dance teacher- he got some good moves, believe me- at Darrins dance studio. And guess what? You ain't gonna believe this. Darrin wuz the guy who taught mah Justin how to dance! Sometimes I wish real hard that I never cheated on Justin and we wuz still together but dont tell Kev. Sure, Kev's got a real big penis y'all but he ain't no Justin. That's just our little secret y'all okay?"

Marc & J.Lo

"It hurts! It hurts! Have you never passed a kidney stone while singing in front of people? What are you staring at? What, you thought Sternum-Heroin Chic was only for the Olsen twins?"

"Look at ME! For I am the great Jennifer Lopez Noa Judd Diddy Affleck Anthony!"

New trend

Introducing the new low, low rider pants from those crazy fashionistas, Dolce & Gabbana. The slang on the street for these revealing jeans is Penis Pants, as in "Have you seen Brad Pitt in those Penis Pants?" or "Jude Law shouldn't be wearing Penis Pants after what happened with that nanny!"

It's only a matter of time before the Ashton's and the Justin's of the world start wearing these trendy trousers with their Abercrombie tee shirts and braided twine necklaces.

The must- have accessory for fall is the tuft of pubic hair peeking out from the top of the zipper. If you are a fan of neck- to -ankle waxing for a body as slick and smooth as a baby seal, I'd like to take a moment and suggest you purchase a merkin, otherwise known as a pubic hair wig. You simply cannot go wrong with a merkin, a pair of D & G's and a smug facial expression.

Sunday, August 28

Karin Gillespie

Karin Gillespie is pretty and southern and loves to read this blog. She is a gossip lover like so many of us. I can count on the fact that she is most likely behind some of those anonymous posts and I have a hunch she wears a Team Aniston shirt around the house.

For our interview which took place over Long Island Ice Teas and salted peanuts, pop a squat and read it- here.

Angelina wants more cute kids!

"Yes, Brad and I want to get married and adopt lots of babies from all over the world. I'll employ a nanny from every nation too!"

"I'm so glad Angelina came in and adopted Zahara. Without Angie's help, my baby would be hungry. And I wouldn't have made enough money to buy my Jaclyn Smith separates and get my picture in the paper. Thank you Miss Jolie!"

My weekend

I was so busy this weekend. For those of you who are convinced I am a lonely, grossly overweight, bearded male who has nothing better to do than sit at my computer and eat jerky as I sip Mountain Dew while writing about celebs, I have the photos to prove otherwise. Here I am with the Olsen twins who got too much sun that day. I suggested Aloe Lotion and lots of water to ease the sunburn.

I flew to Chicago to visit Jen and her dog Norman. Here I am wearing my new red skirt and I wore my hair up because it was so hot!

While I wasn't officially "invited", I still found a way to see Angie, Lindsay and Meryl. Lindsay seemed a little coked out, while Angie was standoffish and Meryl recoiled when I suggested botox shots. Later I was escorted out.

Cameron Diaz

It's not that I don’t like Cameron Diaz. I don’t even know her, at least not very well. We don't go shopping together and we've never had colonics at the spa. I've never hiked through the mountains with her or shared a coke at the movies. We have never relaxed while sitting on chaise lounges and paging through the latest US Magazine while someone brings us fruity beverages. However-

EverythingI read about her indicates she is unpleasant and rude and acne riddled even though I sent her some facial cleansing products and a kind note.

I found this little tidbit regarding Ms. Diaz and since I'm in the mood to share, here you go:

Cameron Diaz has a habit of using her star power to leverage free rides on jets and discounts at trendy clothing stores, and that when people don't give in she refuses to have anything more to do with the companies.

Ms. Diaz constantly tries to pay the lowest possible salaries for her employees and retainers.

After MTV cancelled [her MTV show] "Trippin", Ms. Diaz gave them a bill for expenses that included her personal trainer, hairdresser, make up artist, and extra hotel fees but then, when asked to show the receipts, she threatened to sue.

Holy moly! Would you even want to be friends with her? She might send you a bill for her time if you ever made her angry. I hope Justin doesn't break up with her. She may very well send an expense report to his lawyer and sue for mental distress!

Brit & K. Fed update

K. Fed, really...a do rag and a hat? Isnt that like wearing two pairs of manpris? I think Britney is wishing for a cigarette right about now, its hot and she's swollen and Kevin is leaving her for a job over at Darrin's dance studio with lots of nubile young dancers wearing spandex. Gotta earn some cheddar, yo.

There ain't nothin' supersized fries can't fix.

Everytime I hear a piece of new and exciting gossip, I feel it is my duty to share. And then it's your job to spread the word and talk amongst your friends about what I say whether it's true, false or crazy.

So, when I heard what Kevin Federline wanted to name his son, I had to rush to my keyboard and share. Kevin is asking Britney to name their child…drumroll please….

Vegas...as in Las.

Vegas Federline. YES. The name has a special meaning to K. Fed, for it's where all the partying goes down and where the best escorts will tease and please wearing a g-string and nothing else-maybe a pair of shoes. Britney wanted to name their son Jamie which is obviously her sister's and father's name. The world cannot have enough Jamie’s in it according to Brit.

After Brit and Kev duked it out over Big Macs and a McFlurry, they came back to the name Preston. Preston Vegas Jamie Federline. I still think there should be a Bubba or Earl or Wayne in there. Next time she calls and invites me oout for some Koo Koo Roo, I'll let her know what I think.

NO.....!

Say it ain't so! You know how I love awards shows. I grab twenty of my closest girlfriends, whip up a huge batch of margaritas, get dressed up in a gorgeous gown that makes my boobs look big, and park myself front of my big screen television. We all watch in eager anticipation as the stars try to walk down the red carpet in sky-high stilettos and tight dresses while making small talk with reporters thrusting their microphones out for a quote. I love it, don't you?

And then…my pretty little vision of Hollywood comes to a screeching halt when I find out the E! channel did not heed my advice and fire Star Jones Reynolds. She will be back as a red carpet reporter once again clouding our screens with her cow eyes, heavy breathing and ass kissing. Gah!

I suppose the E! channel is simply unaware of my wit, charm and magical way with celebrities. They don’t know about my Z-lister status and my very important blog. Not to toot my own horn but honk, honk- I would be better than Star. You would be better than Star. For the love of television and all that is good in the world, please let her contract expire and hire a new face for the red carpet interviews!

Thursday, August 25

Lumping the Simpson clan together...

WHO is Jessica Simpson's stylist? I demand this person be fired at once! Here she sports a standard issue BBM along with pants hacked off at the knee using paper cutting scissors and a jaunty black hat for a last minute touch of whimsy.

Upon closer examination, please note she is using Maddona's woolen plaid riding blanket as a makeshift shawl with a fringe. If you peer closer and focus on her legs, you will see she has a very unattractive pair of lace-up boots like a corset for her shins and calfs. The entire outfit gives me a bad case of vertigo and diarreha.

Hey Cheeseball, I recognize those veneers! They belong to Ben Affleck, don't they? Haven't used that Botox coupon yet though, eh?

Ashlee. Can we tawk? The braid has got to go! I like your makeup but I'm kind of busy studying the wrap around braid/100% Korean hair extension. Too severe. Split the cost of a stylist with Jessica, dear. I'd offer to help but my roster is completely full.

The stars...random

The real reason Madonna's horse bucked her off is because her cell phone rang and frightened the poor horse. Apparently her riding clothes are made to include a special pocket for her telephone. Madonna enjoys looking into a mirror, speaking with a British accent, Turkish delight and naked yoga.

Uma wears white MC Hammer pants as she takes an afternoon stroll. Uma enjoys knitting, world travel and men who smell like Cumin.

Nicole Richie channels Edward Scissorhands and pretends to trim a bush or shall I say shrub? Nicole enjoys colon clease, ex- lax, running and reading tabloids that mention Paris.

Jennifer Aniston goes out to dinner. She is always eating out. While I consumed some pasta covered with a mushroom-white wine reduction and sparkling water for dinner followed by fresh fruit and a canister of Pringles, I too would like to eat out with friends every night of my life. Jennifer enjoys nasty rumors about Angelina and smoking pot.

Liv Tyler could be ten pounds overweight or underweight and still be gorgeous. She has beautiful skin and long pretty hair. Plus she is always with her baby without a nanny hovering closeby which makes her seem more down to earth in my opinion. Liv enjoys long walks with her dog and New York bagels.

Brooke and her boobs on the beach

This guy is interested in long walks on the beach, discussing world peace and the environment. He also loves children and puppies. YEAH RIGHT!

Brooke Burke was married to a plastic surgeon so that explains a lot. Like her teeny nose and her not so teeny implants shoved into a bandau top and squished together like two cantelopes on display at the store. I'm suddenly craving a nice round Casaba melon.

Christina

Christina coming....

...and going!

Paris? Barbie?

Several years ago, okay more like twenty years ago- or more depending on how old I feel- I had a beautiful Barbie who came with a long pink gown and a soft furry pink boa that slipped on over her stiff arms, silver shoes and dangly silver earrings. Once I washed her hair with ivory soap and got the wet synthetic fibers stuck in a rubber band. Then I had to hack off her long and lovely blonde tresses.

If I had cut off the bottom of her gown rather than her hair and lent her sunglasses from Malibu Ken, she would have looked exactly like the above photo of Paris Hilton. But Paris is missing a hole in her finger where the plastic ring went, you get the idea. Fake, plastic, and deformed genitals. I'm talking about Barbie!

True or false?

"Thank goodness I was able to store my blow in these boots! I'm not wearing a bra!"

Tara Reid went to a fortune teller on one of her recent worldly trips. The turban clad woman who read Tara's fortune informed her of a career change. She also warned Tara of a health issue. And Ms. Reid was told she will be single for a long, long time with the exception of a quick marriage and an even quicker divorce.

Tara then went back to her hotel, got drunk and fell down on the sidewalk en route to a club.

Romero, Romero where for are thou?

Next up for the budding actress: Shakespeare! Of course. First Tom Cruise announced he knew or actually was Shakespeare in a previous life, and now Jessica is telling everyone how she wants to act in a play penned by the famous playwright.

She already has the Shakespearean sleeves going on. All she needs to master is the English language, acting and reading! And lose the hee haw accent. And stop talking.

In related news, Punky Brewster aka Soleil Moon Frye just gave birth to a baby girl, Poet Sienna Rose Goldberg. I see a connection: Poet...Shakespeare...Punky Brewster...Jessica Simpson.

Coco loves her mom- and nanny too!

I'm certain Courteney Cox Arquette is a good mom and Coco will have a lovely childhood filled with gifts from Spencer's like fake vomit, whoopee cushions, buttock alarm clocks and canned farts thanks to her father, David.

But each time I see a picture of the baby, the nanny is lurking behind or near or next to Coco. As if Court cannot take care of her child by herself. Im sure she can- so why doesn't she? If you see me, I'm always surrounded by a few peeps to take care of my needs, if you know what I mean. One or two people to follow me into a public restroom and sanitize the toilet, wipe and flush for me. Oh, like you don't employ a similiar assistant to take care of your needs?

Ben Stiller

Christine Taylor and daughter Ella Olivia.

Like Ricky Martin, Ben is going gay. I mean GRAY. I suggest L'oreal Feria for men. Five minute application with a thirty minute wait and his gray will be covered! Rumor has it that Ben is bi-polar. I hope Tom Cruise doesn't talk him out of taking his medication. We creative types tend to suffer from mental problems. It makes us more imaginative.

Fact or fiction?

Things around here get totally heated whenever Ms. Jolie is mentioned. Yes, obviously she had her nose thinned, her boobs fluffed and her lips plumped. Perhaps she is a coke addict. Let's go one step further and say she did so much coke that her nasal membranes collapsed! She is so skinny because she occasionally feasts on the blood of young bats which keeps her metabolism in check.

Why stop there? We know she has a collection of knives and horse hair whips, crotchless chaps and shiny spurs. I hear she has an extensive collection of bones, both human and animal. She also enjoys making Brad wear bright red Chanel lipstick and hoop earrings along with ladies panties and high heels. Take a moment and imagine that, will you?

Wednesday, August 24

Wilmer & Ashlee & Ryan

If you have been looking at Ryan Cabrerra you'll know that he has been a big fan of the "retro" tee shirts of late. Britney Spears, New Kids on the Block, Spice Girls have all been showing up on Ryan's chest. How cool is he? Very!

Meanwhile, Wilmer gives Ashlee a blow-pop and offers her something else to suck on.

Brad & Angie and kids

Angelina and Zahara after an evening at the dinosaur museum. Zahara loves to look at the dinosaurs and Mama Angie likes to compare the fossils to the skulls and bones at her house!

Brad Pitt is looking like Colin Farrell these days. Not liking the inky, jet black to be honest and I know Brad cares a lot what I think.

Send me a note!

NEW EMAIL

Please note I have a new email address:
Distressedbluejeans@gmail.com

Justin Timberlake: fashion designer

Justin's lovely country inspired outfit will soon be available to the public!

Like P. Diddy- oh excuse me- like Diddy and Jessica Simpson, Justin Timberlake is jumping on the fashion designer bandwagon and with his friend Trace Ayala and will be introducing a line of clothes in the future. Everyone nd their dog has a line of clothing to be introduced. I need to rethink the writing and pursue fashion design.

A sidenote: the last name of Ayala reminds me of Lupe Ayala from the Nuestros Amigos Spanish textbook from ninth grade. I knew it sounded familiar. Anyone else remember this?

Back to the news: The two fashionistas named the line "William Rast" after the grandfathers of the guys. Blah blah blah. Pick a really cool name like Distressed Jeanswear. Justin says, “This clothing is representative of where we come from - it's sort of country, but it's also got a little edge and a little chic to it."

Expect diamond encrusted cowboy boots and ghetto fabulous leather shirts with bling bling and sequined piping. I see it as a fusion of rap and country which will produce the strangest looks since Victoria Beckham came out with those jeans with the gigantic crown on the buttocks.

Ashlee and daddy at movie premiere

Call me cuckoo but I prefer Ashlee with the reddish blonde hair. I know she seriously considers my thoughts and opinions each time she reads the blog. I hear she is a big fan. Probably because I often make fun of Jessica.

Daddy is sooo ultra-cool in his purple blouse and distressed jeans, check out the frosted hair and how much do you want to bet he is fresh from a manicure and facial buff?

I would prefer a more symmetrical neckline and black shoes but I'm traditional and rather boring at movie premieres. Perhaps a mink turban and leopard print stilettos would make more of a statement? Ashlee still manages to look better than her sister who wore the Amish funnel cake maker dress the other night with the long necklace and cow milking boots.

Brit and Jamie hang out

Britney is a good big sister. Here she is taking Jamie Lynn out for a manicure and pedicure (not pictured) and then the two Spears girls get a treat.

I emailed Britney and recommended that she wash her hair, maybe take the extensions out and let her scalp breathe. I suggested she get a sturdy bra and perhaps a Goddess Gown.

I need to send her another message and tell her I love the shrug. I'm currently doing a little online shopping and found a bunch of them here. The knitted bolero is a must have for the fall. Britney, the trendster- who knew?

Random conversations

Paris Latsis's mother is so against the marriage of that American girl, Paris Hilton, that Mrs. Latsis (I dont know her real last name, its something created from many letters and syllables) wouldnt even meet with Kathy and Rick Hilton on their recent trip to Greece. Many are saying the wedding will not happen. Please note: Paris had her extensions put back into place.

Duff stuff! I have a huge painting of myself wearing nothing but a smile covering one wall of my home. Don't you? The Duff sisters show off their portrait hanging over a massive fireplace. That looks nothing like Haylie. Let's combine names and call them "Hayhil" or "Hilhay" since they are always together.

"Psssst. Guess what? I met up with Tommy Lee last night after we were both on a talk show. And yes, it really is that big. HUGE!"

Eva spent a fun filled, yet exhausting, night with Tommy Lee recently. The two were seen at Nobu then later had drinks at Cain nightclub and went back to the Ritz-Carlton where Eva was staying. Tommy was spotted leaving her room around 3:30 am. EVA! We want details, girlfriend!

Can I milk your breast? I mean, can I help you out of the car?
Honk honk!

Next Step: Looneyville

I was so much happier when I was a pinup girl in the 1950’s. Seriously. It took me a couple of decades to come back in my current form but sometimes I really wish I could go back to being friends with Marilyn Monroe and lounging in Las Vegas with Frank and Ava. Tom Cruise knows exactly what I'm talking about.

Tom says, "I was much happier in previous existences when I wrote plays, composed music, conquered nations, discovered continents, and developed cures for diseases."

Tom has been “here before” and knows that he collided in the past with anti-thetans Matt Lauer and Brooke Shields. Matt and Brooke are just two examples of continuing anti-thetanic forces in his world. There's more. You can count your previous lives like you count engrams and calories.

In related news, Tom wants to plan an Arabian Nights/ Aladdin themed wedding with lots of kebabs, gold jewelry and perfume. I just can't wait to see Tom in genie pants with Katie wearing a floaty, belly bearing top and playing symbols on her thumbs while Tom plays the sitar and coaxes a snake out of a basket. That is one wedding I must attend!

Jen & Brad No More

Mark your calendars for October 2005, just leave the weekends free. Because that is when the divorce between Jen and Brad will be final and people are guessing he will marry Angelina. I'm not sure, however because Brad doesn’t offer double first names like her previous husbands Johnny Lee and Billy Bob. I guess she can make something up and call him Braddy Joe.

Jennifer who legally changed her surname to Pitt, will go back to Aniston. Such a hassle changing the credit cards and drivers license and social security cards! Brad doesnt have to do any of that time consuming paperwork! Jen is taking time off from the dating scene for a bit but I wouldn’t be surprised to see her around town with a hot young thing- does Ashton have a younger brother? Isn't there a middle aged Arquette sibling for Jennifer to round out that threesome of Jen, Courteney and David?

Right at this moment, Braddy Joe and Angie are in Calgary but previously Angelina was in New York City filming The Good Shepard with Matt Damon. I sent Matt a memo to look out for a vial of bat blood or the hair of a horny toad in his trailer. Angelina appears to have dropped several pounds and I wonder if Brad likes his women as skinny as prepubescent boys. That Braddy Joe, always trying to get his women thin. Go on Jen, go in peace and eat some carbs!

The back of MK's head

Mary Kate's head, cigarette and beer cup holding hand was photographed at a concert. At first, I thought for sure she was seeing Clay Aiken because I hear he can really get things pumping, but someone pointed out that she was rocking out to The Used. I spot her boyfriend sitting down biting his finger.

I wonder what she ended up doing with that bag of Kettle Chips, the bottles of wine and the honey? Reenacting 9 and a 1/2 weeks probably.

Natasha- one foot in the grave?

You wanna pick a fight? I'll bite you just like I bit your dog!

Actress Natasha Lyonne is in the hospital- fighting for what the news is saying- to stay alive. The actress has been living in squalor in her New York City apartment which was found to be littered with fast food wrappers, broken bottles, old food and dirt.

More recently she was rumored to be living on the streets. It wasn’t too long ago that she bit a dog during a drug induced rage. I hope we don’t see Courtney Love (who is not pregnant as of today) or Tara Reid leading a similar lifestyle in the near future.

The once promising star has hit rock bottom in part to what some say is because of an addiction to crystal meth. Currently she is in the hospital suffering from hepatitis C, a collapsed lung and is covered with track marks. She told the nurse, "You have no idea what Ive been through this year." Natasha, get yourself to rehab when you are released from the hosptial. Ben Affleck has great things to say about Promises. I'll book a room.

Tuesday, August 23

Hayden & Paris

Schlemiel, schlimazel, hasenpfeffer incorporated! Why its 2005's answer to Laverne & Shirley!
Paris & Hayden shop together, pole dance together, visit pet stores and go shopping. I see an entire scripted sitcom based on this! It's brilliant, fresh and witty. Two women living together...and stuff.

Now, who can we cast as the Big Ragu, Lenny and Squiggy?

Tara Reid, the boozer in purple

Tara looking pretty, fresh and sober. A few hours later....

....whoops! Watch the curb. It sort of gets in your way after you drink three bottles of champagne, a six pack of beer and five Kamakazi shots. Not to mention the copious amounts of blow! Luckily several people anticipate her fall and reach out to help her regain balance. Or touch her boobs.

Dukes of Hazzard: where's the stylist?

Johnny Knoxville is already angling for the role of Thurston Howell in the major motion picture of Gilligans Island.

Jessica just finished her stint making funnel cakes. If she looks a bit tired its because she was up all night crocheting the top of the dress and fashioning a matching hair band out of left over fabric. The beads help accentuate her chest, without them we would only have that cut-out to look at.

Simpson ugg

I see tan people with big red lips and scary lipstick.

Sometimes I have a bad dream featuring the return of the Ghost in the Red Shoes.

Britney Federline y'all!

Stripes are not your friend.

There's still room to grow!

Sometimes when you dress in a caftan that is long and flowing and loose, you look bigger than you really are. Then sometimes when you are pregnant and have elephantitis, the only shoes you can wear are slippers or flip flops.

How much has Britney gained? Let's venture a guess -sort of like our own baby shower for her, Ill bring the funyons and cheetos.

Here we go:

5 lbs per breast

7 lbs per upper arm

ten lbs buttocks

15 lbs for the baby and the amniotic fluids

1 lb chin

I'm going to round this out and conclude her weight gain is around 50 pounds as of right now. Possibly she will deliver with a total weight gain of 75 lbs. Any other guesses?

Olsen twins

One bottle for me, one bottle for Ashley...I also spot some Kettle chips and condiments. What goes well with a dry, yet woodsy wine, Mint Milanos?

Mary Kate is still dating Andre the Giant. He's hurrying her along, why doesn't he just pick her up and put her in his pocket?

Thats not organic honey. Shouldn't MK be shopping at Whole Foods buying freshly made honey from a sequined honeycomb with diamond chips? Doesn't she own her own bee colony?

Don't you hate it when you are wearing a $600 dress and a silk thong with appliqued sapphires and the wind is blowing and you have to hold your dress closed? Or is she doing the bathroom shuffle, otherwise known as the peepee dance?

Angelina loves her fans!

Angelina takes a moment to sign autographs and accept gifts from her fans. Since she didn't have a vial of blood handy, she must use a pen. The disturbing thing about this picture is the veins popping out of her forearms.

Sienna and Lindsay and Jude

"Hello, Lindsay? You can have him. I'm done with his bloody cheating! You should know he likes his women in shapeless, tarp- like dresses with a belt."

"This is the least shapeless thing I have! I hope Jude likes it. Chloe Sevigny was cleaning out her closet and gave it to me. What a steal, I think its couture! And Im not wearing underpants."

Lindsay Lohan has her eye on Jude Law should things not work out with Sienna. While Sienna's mother is urging her to get back with Jude, it seems like Sienna just cannot put up with Jude's wandering eye- and penis.

Even though Jude can barely keep his pants on for longer than twelve hours and is known to be a serial cheating sexaholic, Lindsay is convinced she has what it takes to keep Jude faithful.
Linds feels she is sexy enough to keep Jude monogamous. She states she can “make him and happy and keep him out of other womens beds.” Yes, by being his nanny and his sex slave!

Not holding her breath for Jude however, Lindsay has to take the booty when and where she can. Recently in NYC, Lindsay was partying with the cast of Four Brothers and kept asking “Where's Mark?” and then a few minutes later, “Where's Mark?” She was hot on the trail of Mark Wahlberg. Lindsay is starving for a man-sandwich and her sexual prowess probably matches that of Jude Law. My question is: would she have more in common with Jude, or his eldest child who is ten years younger than Lindsay?

Hunger pangs

I was shopping in Los Angeles and look who I ran into! Teri Hatcher and her daughter. Teri pretended she didn't know who I was and well, without the red carpet rolled out in front of me and the absence of flashbulbs and my adoring fans with their little autograph booklets, it's hard to tell exactly that it was indeed Distressed Jeans.

After I said, "You must read my blog, Teri- all the cool people do. Come on, Distressed Jeans...gossip..hello!?" and she was like, "Oohhhh, right. You said I was too skinny. How could you?"

And I was like, "Honey, come with me and I'll buy you a Cinnabon!" and at the mention of a fat laden, sugar filled, empty calorie cinnamon roll, she recoiled in fear and asked, "Who do you think I am? Marcia Cross!?"

She was so weirded out when I mentioned food that I left her standing there, clutching her daughters hand on the sidewalk, mumbling about an Otis Spunkmeyer blueberry muffin.

Monday, August 22

Julia Roberts is about to board her private jet. I'd like a dress just like hers and also a red carpet rolled out for me, a velvet blended pashmina vermillion rug for me where ever I go.

Clomp clomp clomp- "Where are my imported truffles and my imported Swiss water? Where's the nanny with Hazel and Finn? Keep those kids quiet! Dannnny!!!!"

Eva and her new man

Eva Longoria is hanging out with longboarder Jimmy Gamboa who has been hitting the bronzer. He is the color of a sizzled piece of bacon.

Paris Latsis is obviously Jimmy's sartorial mentor, check out the Gucci hat and the plaid shirt. Hello! Ever hear of matching your clothes and accessories?

Everyone is doing it!

Hard- core party princess Tara Reid is employing her own Umbrella Handler. When will I reach such acclaim that I can have one too? I can barely carry my bags and dog leash and books and fashion magazines as well as an oversized purse and a large coffee. I simply need help!

My friend was talking to Tara the other day and Tara was complaining about her image, thinking she has been portrayed as a drunken, bloated, boozy, breast- baring bimbo. Where would she get that idea?

Regarding her enormously droopy implants, she said: "Everyone does it. I don't know why I'm the one who gets so much attention!!"

Courtney to rehab!

Courtney is pregnant! Finally, a sibling for Frances Bean maybe it will be a boy and she can name it Billy Pea. Courtney hasn't called to tell me the news herself, but that might be because she is headed to rehab.

She is carrying the baby of a british actor named Steve Coogan but his publicist is telling everyone that the pregnancy rumor is “Nonsense!” Courtney and Steve had an affair aided by ecstasy, heroin and vokda, at least that’s what I hear.

Courtney has been ordered to attend a rehab facility after she admitted that she has been using drugs. She will attending rehab for 28 days. Best of luck to you and the fetus, Court!

Jengar and Benfleck

Jen looks angry, what's wrong...is it hemorroids? Bad gas? Heartburn? Leg pain? Swollen breasts?

There we go! Happy again. A new blouse will make anyone feel better. I applaud her taste in maternity fashions. I don't see her wearing clingy dresses and going braless like...some people we know.

Ben, can you show me your veneers? Which dentist did the cosmetic work? What about the hair plugs?

Nice dress with big buttons!

It's a love connection baby. Jessica and her daddy go for a lunch date. Operative word being "date".

Later, after hearing about Jessica's lunch, Cacee the assistant/rumored lesbian love of Jess, gagged and stuck her tongue out saying, "Like, gag me with a spoon!"

Saturday, August 20

The Men Love Me!

I didn't realize I had such a following! I'm quite flattered that all the Ryans love Distressed Jeans. We have Ryan Gosling, Ryan Seacrest and Ryan Cabrerra all proclaiming their devotion for moi!

Wow, thanks guys!

MK and her BBM

Look, when you are a famous waif, you cannot possibly be expected to climb into your Range Rover by yourself, you obviously need a helping hand from your personal BBM. Thats Big Black Man to those of you who are uninformed. Every celeb employs one, don't you have your own? All the chic people in Los Angeles have one on the payroll, sometimes two.

A BBM is there to protect you, hold your shopping bags, your Venti lattes, he opens and closes your car doors and makes sure you dont trip over your very long bell -bottom, shoe covering pants. Who doesn't need one?

Before and After, Scary and tight

Apparently, Melanie Griffiths face is carved out of melted wax and red lipstick. She appears to be in pain.

I see where Ryan Cabrerra got his hair style inspiration from. Holy Dippity Do! Thats a Dippity Don't! Well, it was the 80's.

High and tight is more than a phrase to describe a haircut, its also how Joan Rivers describes her face lifts.

Can we tawk? Joan Rivers before the surgical team took to her face with a knife, a carving tool, a pair of scissors, duct tape and sewing thread.

Blondie

Nicky Hilton- back to blonde! I love her purse. When she gets tired of it, I'll be happy to take it off her hands. Is someone offering her a dog dressed in a baby blue sweater?

Tara Reid, party on!

Just hold on Tara, a little further and then you can sit down. Don't worry- no one can see your eyes, the hat hides your bloodshot peepers. Next time, oversize sunglasses!

She must be arriving in this photo because she doesn't need help walking- yet.

Sit down and relax while someone fetches you a cup of coffee and some coke.

Tara Reid is trying to change her image one party at a time. My recommendation is to leave the scene for a year or three, then come back wearing Armani and sporting a chic coif and taking herself seriously. If she doesn't heed my advice, her eyeballs are going to turn yellow and her liver is going to shrivel up. I've seen it happen and it's not pretty.

Ashlee Simpson..

Ashlee Simpson looks....uh...pale? Pretty? Her hair is too light but I like her shirt. It's very Hilary Duff-ish.

Zahara!

Angelina and Zahara on the set of her new film.

Zahara is so cute and Angelina is lovely in her gray robe.

Jude Law: not thinking clearly obviously!

You know Jude is suffering when he goes out in public looking like Paris Latsis. Washed out corduroy jacket, check! Wrinkled dirty tee shirt, check! Short, ill fitting sweatpants, check!
And WTF is that on his feet? Are those AIR JORDANS?

Oh Jude, pull it together. Sienna is not coming back!

Nicole Richie,: FEED ME

If the dress fit properly, I would love it although it looks like the silky flowing nightie I like to lounge around in wearing my marabou trimmed mules and my faux mink turban. Nicole honey, I have a seamstress and a sandwich, which would you like to borrow?

I see London, I see France, I see Nicole's nipple and her sternum! Maybe she has the shirt on backwards?

Pam's roast- I was there!

I finally got my photos back from the Pamela Anderson roast. I must say, it was a wonderful time although the jokes were a little harsh on Pam. When it was my time to stand up and talk about her, I spoke of what a good writer she is, her kind heart which beats under 600 cc's of saline, her comedic timing and her love of the bad boys which we have in common. Kid Rock, Tommy Lee, that blonde from Poison? Been there, done that! That surfer? The actor? Yup, yup!

I had to leave quickly because Andy Dick was chasing me around, trying to get his girly hands on my Prada dress. Hands off!

Angie, HOT in rollers!

Angelina, on the set of her new movie, The Good Shepard co-staring Matt Damon who smells like bologne and squeals like a pig or so Ive been told.

It's quite a coincidence the way Angie and I look so much alike, especially with the curlers in our hair and Chanel red lipstick.

Where are Maddox and Zahara and that other guy she's been hanging around with? Brad something or other....?

Friday, August 19

Interview with Michael Lee West

You might be familiar with Michael Lee West from her best selling novel, Crazy Ladies. She follows up that fabulous southern fiction book with Mad Girls In Love, a four star book with a lively cast of characters set in the south.

Check out our interview here.

Lohan spotting!

Lindsay with Bruce's daughter, Rumer Willis. Do you think Bruce introduced his daughter to Lindsay after he fooled around with her? Can you say uncomfortable? How do you explain that one? "Yeah, I fooled around with your dad. Lets be friends!"

Lindsay with Nicole Richie. Mary Kate is folded up neatly inside Lindsay's bag. Just a night out with the girls. No drinking or drugs involved.

Please don't look at me that way. You're scaring me with the stink eye.

PS. Note the smokes in her hand.

Pizza to go? Hmmm. I bet it makes it to the trash can before it makes it home.

Meg Ryan looking rumpled

I am so into the bohemian- heroin- homeless- chic look, I'm not going to lie. There is nothing I like better than a funky little top with distressed jeans complete with frayed ends and holes. I like messy (but clean!) hair and leather thongs (flip flops). I like looking like I just "threw it together" when in reality I spend hours making up cute outfits for the next day. I like long skirts and tank tops and big bags that can hold a full size makeup case and a change of accessories. But there are some days when I pull my Pucci print tunic off the hook and go out looking daring and dramatic rather than artfully messy.

However. A quick look at Meg "Rumpled" Ryan and we can surmise that her look du jour is her look from ten years ago. Wrinkled pants and a white shirt, no bra and curly hair with some form of clunky shoes. She never varies. She is as predictable as Jude's cheating. Shake it up a little Meg! Wear a black shirt and a jean skirt with ballet flats for crying out loud. Do you have a fear of living out of your comfort zone because I can help.

Rumor has it that...well, maybe I shouldn't repeat this. But...I've heard Meg has had a "special relationship" with her hairdresser, Sally. Which has nothing to do with how she dresses.

Random pix

"Listen Wilmer, just because I was boinked in the head with a pole doesnt mean I've lost my mind and I'm going home with you tonight!"

We know Paris dresses like a blind man with a wardrobe from 1986 but there is no excuse for black socks unless he is living in Boca and pairing the socks with white sandals and a matching white belt.

Kelly Osbourne. No comment.

Jared Leto: hot, but rumored to be a heroin addict, still going strong with Ashley Olsen.

Hilary, a nude colored bra really works best under a sheer black top. No matter what, I still think you are pretty. Call me! We can eat apples and sugar cubes together.

Preston Kevin Earl Federline be comin' soon, y'all!

I'm not exactly saying I'm bitter that I wasn't invited to Britney's Moroccan themed baby shower but I'm a tad disappointed. Oh, how I love all things baby: booties and breast pumps and small blankets and hooded towels and pacifiers! Not to mention half shirts and infant cut-offs and teething rings shaped like Cheetos.

For those of you who, like me, were snubbed, we can find out the details of her magical afternoon in this weeks issue of People.

As you know by now, Brit and Kev want to name the baby "Preston" which is lovely. Preston is a preppy boy with a mushroom haircut and an Izod shirt with penny loafers- not a manpri, funyon cruncher with a love of all things boobs and beer. I would like to see something a little more...white trash actually.

Preston Kevin Earl Federline has a ring to it, doesn't it? Yee haw! We's be callin' the kid Preston!

Jude & Sienna 4ever

"Hello mummy? Jude and I are going to make a go of it. He promised not to sleep with a nanny again. Or a actress, model, cook, maid, teacher, rock star or writer. He won't have sex with random strangers or hookers. He promised to get waxed- thank goodness! No more internet sex for Jude either."

"What? You've never seen shrinkage before? I was in a pool. It was cold."

"Daisy- no I can't see you but Playboy wants to talk to you. Something about Hot Nannies 2005...Oh and thanks for ruining my life, luv!"

Hey there, Tiny! Rumor has it that Jude and Sienna are "talking things through" although she isn't wearing her engagement ring. It looks like they might get back together which is a shame because I know a few nannies that really wanted to "meet" Jude. Perhaps Jude should employ a fluffer for when he wants to roam around without clothes on. I think he s taking applications now.

I just want to be a mommy!

Like myself, Tara Reid is a Mensa candidate, has aced the SAT's and reads a novel a day yet still finds time to dabble in medical research. But theres more to Tara than her obvious smarts.
She wants us to see her for her “good heart” and acknowledge her desire to settle down and have children. As Tara approaches thirty, she’s ready to show off a different side of herself, a more maternal part of Tara we have only glimpsed at with her large, droopy non- lactating breasts.

Taking a role on Wild On…Tara, or Taradise, was an intelligent move because nothing says ‘ready to get married and have children’ like partying every night in nightclubs around the world and stumbling around half nude, wrestling in a pool and being wasted.

"I think this show will help people see the real Tara Reid," says Tara. "She's fun to be around, she's fun to watch, she has a good heart and she's kind to everyone. What's wrong with that?"

What's wrong is talking about yourself in the third person. Don’t you find that odd, Distressed Jeans?

FOR SALE

If you would like to own a little piece of Star Jones by way of real estate, check out the listing for her Manhattan apartment.

Pay special attention to her Liberace inspired powder room and the 8 x 10 framed glossy of herself on the bathroom sink.

Wouldn't you like to spend your nights in the very same place that Star and Al...you know...talked about hot guys and painted each others nails?

Thursday, August 18

Bennifer redux

Ben and Jen kiss goodbye, so long, farewell at the airport. We know Ben will head over to the casino where he will gamble away Violet's future college fund. tsk tsk.

How long until K. Fed and B. Aff start hanging out? They share of love of cigarettes, Starbucks, strippers, poker and motorcycles- its a friendship just waiting to be born. Not to mention they are both going to be fathers this fall and both wear ill-fitting clothes. Check out the teeny cap balancing on Ben's giant noggin. Did the hat come in an XL by any chance?

Hello to my people! It is I, doily wearer, knitted tablecloth fan and skinny waif, waving to my fans!

Dave Coulier found this tablecloth on ebay and Bob Saget fashioned it into a long, bell sleeved tunic for I, fashion icon, Mary Kate. In a pinch I can whip it off and lay it out on my imported marble table and have a fancy place setting for four.

My eyeglasses double as coasters and my bracelets are napkin rings. Although I do not eat- I smoke instead- I am very food oriented as you can see from my housewares collection for Walmart shirt.

Kate, I have an extra coupon for Supercuts and I'll buy Ryder a balloon after he gets his scraggly hair trimmed. I KNOW. There are some people out there that love Kathie Lee and little boys with long hair. But when your sons hair looks exactly like David Spades coif, its time for a snip with some scissors. Put down your weed, Kate and get your son a good stylist.

I'm wearing the same tee shirt. OMG! Kate, we're like twins! How totally cool are we?

Olsen girls

Why is Mary Kate going out in a nightie and a robe? To maximize the boho-waif-heroin- homeless- chic look, its best to leave the silks and satins at home. And for goodness sakes, you don't wear three inch clogs with your robe unless they are marabou trimmed and youre hanging with Hef. Hon, you can't just add a crucifix and think your outfit is appropriate for the day. That's more evening wear if you insist on going out in your jammies.

Ashley, I have the same shoes and cut- offs although mine hug my peach-like bottom and don't look like baggie boy jeans. And Members Only jackets are so 1986 although yours is probably some fancy designer jacket that you paid six hundred dollars for. Ash, I can't pick on you too much because I own a similiar outfit but honey child, its 110* in southern California, don't you feel the heat? Why wear a coat?

Note to both sisters: Hair-washing is good. I highly recommend doing it at least every other day.

PS. Ashley is going back to NYU while Mary Kate will pursue "independent studies" probably researching clubs and bars.

Jessica wants to know:

" Do these jeans make me look dumb?"

Claire and her naked pup, wheres the knitted beanie cap?

Gah! Look at Claire Danes. Boyfriend stealer. Just look at her, thinking she's so cool. Well Claire, cool people like me and Paris Hilton actually dress our dogs up in mini Prada slippers and diamond tiaras and your dog is going out naked! Please, my eyes! At least get your doggie a pair of Manolo sandals and a cap.

Cate

Cate Blanchett is on the set of a new movie. The title has changed, but the movie is based on the novel, What Was She Thinking by Zoe Heller. I highly recommend it. Excellent novel about a teacher who becomes involved with a student as told by the teachers friend, an old spinster.
I love Cate. Maybe because I've been told I look like her. But my hair is fluffier.

Hey Juuuuuuude! And Hellloooo Carrot Top

I know you might question me putting Carrot Top in the same section as Jude Law but hear me out. A while back I stumbled upon a "Celebrity Endowments" message board. Thinking it was like the Endowments for the Arts or some charity which was supported by wealthy celebs, I enthusiastically clicked on the link to see who was donating to what and how much and so on.

Surprise! - the site featured...celebrity shlongs. And you know who headed the list as one of the biggest, most uh...most well endowed? Carrot Top. Yes. I kid you not. Recently I was driving, singing a Kelly Clarkson tune and at a red light who should pull up next to me but Carrot Top, driving a bright yellow BMW with the top down, his pumpkin colored locks blowing in the wind. I couldn't see his lap so I don't know firsthand how true the rumor is, but feel free to use your imagination.

And then we have petite Jude. I had to X out the woody with a hoodie because I know this is a PG-13 rated site but rest assured, Jude is a grower not a shower. I was a bit surprised to stumbled upon Jude cutting his toenails in the nude but I got a peek at his privates and I'm a bit unimpressed. He's no Carrot Top.

Wednesday, August 17

Random Pix

Sarah Michelle Geller looks like Morgan Fairchild. Did she undergo a rhinoplasty and no one told me? I should be brought up to date on all plastic surgery at once!

Who is that boy with Sharon Osbourne? You know, the pale one with the Prince Valiant haircut wearing a ruffled shirt with large, tissue like-sleeves? That couldnt be- no! No way, is it really Rosie O' Donnell?

Get your groove on girlfriend, spin those records! There's nothing like wearing your antique lace curtains to a club. Finally, Lindsay is being a bit more demure and covering up just like a Madame Alexander doll.

Paris Hilton

This has to be seen up close to be fully appreciated. The center of the dress can double as a rhoulette wheel which is pretty cool and not often seen in today's fashions. It's really one of those paper doily things that you can cut into the shape of a heart and send to your Valentine.

I like to wear my dresses extra long too. Why doesn't she have an assistant holding up the back of her dress so she doesn't trip? People love to be employed for special services like that. Just ask Mariah Carey for the name of her Long Dress Handler.

Cute outfit Paris, but I would probably go with one size bigger for the shoes. Your toes are hanging ten.

Huh?????

Just as the sun sets and the moon becomes full and shiny in the night sky, you can be certain Sean Combs will change his name - again. Pick a moniker and stick with it for longer than one year, dude. This is seriously beginning to piss me off. He's been called P. Diddy and Puff Daddy and Puffy and Sean John and Sean Combs and who knows what else. Now he’s dropping the formal “P” and just going with Diddy.

He told MTV News, "It's five letters, one word. The name is changed. We made it simpler.” Sean John Diddy Puffy Combs whatever, said: “We was rocking with JAY-Z. Half the crowd was chanting 'P Diddy', half the crowd chanting 'Diddy'. We gonna stop the confusion.” Well thanks, because changing your name like ten times is actually quite confusing.

He also tells us we will see the “new” Diddy at his "unveiling ceremony" at the MTV Video Music Awards. Says Diddy, "You gonna see that in the entrance. You gonna see that swagger. You gonna see how I'm gonna navigate you through the journey." The journey of changing your name? This guy thinks he's all that and a platnium tire rim, you know?

YAY. Boooo.

I refuse to wear anything not created from soft cotton or luxury silks, imported from Italy or created specifically to my measurements. Therefore I do not wear Kathie Lee clothing. It's pretty safe to say that I'm not a big fan of Kathie Lee, Cody, Cassidy, Frank, Regis, Gelman, the nanny, the cook, the maid or the children who sew their fingers to bloody stumps piecing together her clothing line.

You can bet money that I won't be tuning into Kathie’s stint on The Insider. Instead of hiring a ray of sunshine with a quick wit and knowledge of all things entertainment (me), The Insider has given Kathie Lee "special correspondent" status covering Broadway news and interviews. Why can't she retire and live peacefully out of the public eye? What's next, The Surreal Life?

Get well soon, dah-ling!

Happy Birthday, get well and I hope you feel better soon! Madonna was going for a nice leisurely ride with her Armani clad stallion, Gabbana, when all of the sudden, she was thrown from her horse, just like a scene out of Seabiscuit.

She was brought to the hospital where staff members were surprised to see her in terrible pain and obviously in great shock. Not only that but she was wearing jodhpurs! Her voice was shaky and perhaps she was speaking without her British inflections sounding more like the Michigan born Madonna than the genteel upper- crust Kabbalah lover she portrays.

Within minutes Madonna was ushered into her own private room and a short while later, husband Guy Ritchie ran in. A specialist determined Madge broke her hand, collar bone and cracked three ribs. Ouch! Thank goodness Lourdes and Rocco were busy with their French lessons and being served kiddie caviar by their personal chef so they did not have to bear witness to their mother being bucked off a horse.

While in the hospital, Madonna probably had a couple of quick botox injections and a mini face lift, after all it was her 47th birthday!

Ohhhh uhhhh- hold on while I turn the page- oh yes!

I can drink a margarita, get a pedicure and a massage, answer the phone and type emails all at the same time. And I thought I was talented. But Jennifer Connelly is even better at multi-tasking than I am.

While having sex with her husband she likes to read a book, perhaps page through Lucky magazine or do a little dusting. Maximizing her time, she also returns phone calls and does a little internet shopping. That explains those weird background noises I heard last time we were chatting. And her ability to read a novel a day.

Tuesday, August 16

Dating?

Self tanner much Joe? Mr. Simpson needs to milk his cash cows all he can. Since Jessica is bringing in her share of Joe's fortune with the Dukes of Hazzard crapfest, Joe focuses on his other daughter, the one who lip-syncs and has acid reflux. Joe is working hard to get Ashlee booked on Saturday Night Live in October, he wants her to sing and host. Oh please! Did you happen to catch the E! True Hollywood Story about the Simpson sisters? I'm waiting to be approached for the Distressed Jeans Hollywood Story. It would be much more riveting than Jessica and Ashlee.

Are George Clooney and Rande Gerber dating? Who spells their name RandE? Please. It's Randy and you know it. I hear the distant rumblings of George being the modern day Rock Hudson. The rumors that she swings both ways have been hanging over Cinde Crawford for years. I'm convinced that most people in the biz are bi. Let's come out and admit it already. Your place or mine, George?

Are Ryan and Rachel dating? I hope so. They make such a cute couple. And I love love love Ryan's shirt. Thanks for the shout-out Ryan!

Duff n'stuff

Oh no- weight loss, new teeth, new hair, what's next Hilary, a boob job and a centerfold in Playboy? Say it aint so!

The teeth are permanent but the hair is a wig, I hope! I think someones been playing in Grandma's jewelry box!

Random Conversations...

Seriously, is there anything better than an Olsen twin sighting, except perhaps, Full House reruns?

Nicole was really insistant that I join her and her dad and sister for lunch. I kept singing "Penny Lover" in a high and silly voice. Lionel was not amused. I don't think he liked it much when I pretended I was blind during my version of "Hello." The four of us split a salad four ways and it was delicious, if not filling. We also shared a coke and Nicole licked an ice cube while Lionel and I sang, "Endless Love." It was fun.

Matthew Perry, on a carb bender and slightly bloated and unemployed. Perhaps a good match for Courtney Love?

Robert Downey stops at Starbucks for something grande and frothy. The only man I ever knew to wear baby blue was Liberace. Robert needs a jaunty fedora and a pink boa to complete the look.

Jennifer Garner is complaining about how intrusive the tabloids are. She says that everyone knew about her pregnancy before she got to tell her friends and family. There is a price to pay for fame, I'm afraid. If you don't like it, I know of a darling home in a small town in the midwest where you and Ben can live quietly and not be photographed except for in the local gazette during tractor pulling events.

I don't know why exactly, but everytime I see a photo of Kirsten Dunst, she reminds me of an unmade bed. Kind of messy and wrinkly.

Cameron puts her clothes on

I know several girls who would take their clothes off for you Justin!

Sharon Stone commented on how she loves lesbian sports. I didn't know that sports were classified into Lesbian and non-Lesbian sports but oh, she loves golf. And so does Cameron Diaz. Well, while we are speaking of Cameron, why don't I share a secret with you? I just read that she likes to have sex- with clothes on. She thinks its sexier that way.
Let me think about this. Do socks count?

I guess when it's time to do it, she bundles up rather than takes it off. Maybe she wears her golfing outfit and Justin uh...tees off?

Madonna to Britney: Pay up!

That Madonna is really pushy! Aside from insisting everyone read her childrens books, listen to her music and flaunting herself in Vogue magazine while feeding chickens on her estate in England, Madonna has also been trying to get the Beckham's into Kabbablah. Do you see a red string on Posh's bony wrist yet? She has forced poor Britney Spears cough up $32,000 for a charity donation to Kabbalah Kares for Kids. Actually, it's called Spirituality for Kids but whatever. Kabbalah Kares has such a nice ring to it, don’t you think? Even better, Kutcher Kares for Kabbalah Kids is even better! I should suggest it next time Ashton calls. No, really, I will. He'll love it!

As soon as Brit pops out Wanda Jo from her Cheeto lined birth canal, Madonna will be offering up a white tracksuit (size 3 mos.) and a tiny piece of red string to tie around the infants wrist. Despite coming up short in her monthly budget, Britney listened to Madonna and promptly sent off a check for the proper amount. Which probably made K. Fed really angry because how the hell is he supposed to pay for his high quality weed and the Pabst Blue Ribbon? Madonna told Britney that introducing Baby Federline to Kabbalah will "be greatly beneficial to everyone involved in the child's upbringing."

Eva loves her bleep-bleep

Eva Longoria said the best sex she had was with her vibrator which doesn’t say much for JC Chasez, Keifer Sutherland, that basketball guy, Mario Lopez, Ruben Studdard or Wilmer Vladerhadanenma now does it? I always had a sinking feeling those men were a selfish lovers.

Eva is roaring about how much she loves being alone with her um, pleasure toys. She tells me that all women should own a vibrator and she herself relies on hers!

After she sang the praises of her remote controled, coin operated toy, ABC sent her a memo saying to put the kibosh on her verbal praise of all things plastic and long. After all, Disney is the parent of ABC and the family company was shocked by her admission. Eva notes, "ABC said, 'Will you please stop saying vibrator?'"

Airbrushed Christie Brinkley sells Cover Girl again

Christie Brinkley will be gazing out from inside the pages of your ladies magazines, hawking Cover Girl cosmetics once again. I cannot use Cover Girl because I get hives all over my face even when I use the mascara plus I think Cover Girl makeup smells strange, but I guess that’s neither here nor there.

Christie will be the new face of Cover Girl's new line of makeup called Advanced Radiance, geared towards women over 30. So….being over 30, I guess I'm advanced? I thought 40 was the new 30? So that would make thirty more like twenty and that is hardly what I would consider “advanced.” Why, even if I wasn’t allergic to Cover Girl, I would refuse to wear the stuff because they think I'm old. I'm young and vital and gorgeous!

Now fifty-one years old, the botoxed (please!) and slightly nipped and tucked (again, like she hasn;t had work done?) Brinkley just wrapped a photo shoot in the Hamptons and the ads will be introduced later this week. Be prepared to see Christie make the talk show rounds.

Ash and Demi, ready to make babies!

Demi Moore was seen covering her belly with oversized leather bags, tunics and large sweaters. For a few months she kept her tummy hidden like a well wrapped present, and then before you could say “Ashton Coocher” she began showing it again.

Rumors have been swirling around that she suffered a miscarriage. Now she is hinting that she wants to be pregnant with a little Ashton soon. Hurry, before it’s too late- Demi is already in her forties and those eggs arent what they used to be during the Willis years. Although Holly Hunter is 47 and is going to be popping out twins before the year is over. So when you are a celeb all things are possible including soft, fertile eggs. Maybe Madonna can do a Kabbalah chant or something.

While they are working on the impregnation, what do Ashton and Demi like to do? Well, Demi says they enjoy: "sharing a bath with one another...snuggling up naked...holding hands...and then maybe the bathtub, or swimming naked in the pool." Obviously the two enjoy water sports and all things H20, maybe they can coordinate a water birth when Demi goes into labor?

Scarlett has a Woody, Allen that is

Scarlett Johansson confessed that she used to date a heroin addict (Who!? Benecio del Toro?). They split up when his drug usage got out of control. Maybe she should talk to Kate Moss whose boyfriend is about as strung out as one can possibly get with the exception of Courtney Love.

I have to admit that my good friend used to date a heroin addict. His name was Corky. This is completely true. He was really weird but besides that factoid, he drove a small blue car with a stuffed Garfield affixed to the rear window and always had tissues in his hand. One day we were driving and we saw Corky stumbling up the street wearing a lime green shorts jumpsuit. I'm glad she dumped his sorry ass but what really stands out is the lime green outfit.

I wonder if Scarlett is talking about the same person. Has Benecio ever gone under the alias of "Corky"?

Sunday, August 14

After a workout session with her personal trainer, Jennifer Lopez dons a strapless caftan and heads back home.

After a day at the spa and laying in the sun drinking frosty rum-laden cocktails, I put on a similar gown and enjoy an end of the day pedicure while a flurry of workers trim and buff my toenails. I assume Jennifer is going home to do the same except everyone around her will be doused in GLOW.

La Lohan, back on the west coast

Lindsay is back in Los Angeles after being with her mother during a difficult time in New York.

Obviously the family troubles have taken their toll on poor Linds. I mean, why else would she be pairing those boots with her outfit?

Victoria Beckhams jean shorts are so teeny and tight I'm thinking she might be trying out for the "Dukes of Hazzard Go To Europe" movie. Bonjour!

In related news, Posh was quoted as saying, "I haven't read a book in my life, I haven't got enough time. I prefer to listen to music, although I do love fashion magazines."

You mean to tell me she never read Lotsa de Casha?

Teen People Awards, why wasn't I invited?

Paris left her extensions in St. Tropez! Why, a girl is nothing without her 100% Korean hair dyed to match her coif!

My, Hilary..what big....hair you have. Its a bouffant on the top and slicked back with Dippity Doo on the sides.

Ashlee is channeling Gwen Stefani with the light blonde hair and the red red lips. And dad Joe is channeling a couch in a hotel reception area with that brocade blouse.

Denim culottes?

I admit it. Along with my love of all things Kelly Clarkson, I do enjoy blasting my Avril Levigne cd and screaming along to release my pent up rage and inner angst. Then I quiet down with a Clay Aiken cd and a bottle of merlot.

I did not make it to Avril's concert however, I did find this photo of her and I'm going to blow it up and hang it over my bed affixed with thumb tacks next to my Johnny Depp poster. The only thing that troubles me is Avril looks like a twelve year old boy in that outfit. See, if I made it to the concert, I would have taken my backstage pass, snuck into her changing room and picked out something sexy and cutting edge. Avril, call me. I'll be your stylist as well as your friend!

Angie and kids

Angelina is out with her children, shopping and buying gifts, probably for me. Look at little Zahara! So cute, all wrapped up in her mothers sweater. But more importantly, check out what the woman is holding in the top picture. A photo of ME! See, Distressed Jeans is really everywhere these days.

Blogworthy

The following blogs have recently gotten my attention so I thought I would share with you. Since I can't share my Marc Jacobs and my Jimmy Choos.

First is Jim and Tanya Ryno's plight to become the million dollar Fear Factor couple. Personally, I rather be on the Amazing Race but if they want to dangle from the side of a tractor trailer doing 100 mph on the freeway and eat bulls balls and a rat milkshake, then I wish them the best of luck and hope they win. Check out their blog documenting their road to Fear Factor. And please be sure to cast a vote for them!

The next site is called Young, Black, and Fabulous which is a great name for a blog. You can check it out by clicking here.

Last is my British friend Alexx, who is moving to Los Angeles and starting film school. He is also a designer and better give me lots of free funky clothes for mentioning him. Fred Segal has expresed interest in his designs. Check his site out here.

Saturday, August 13

Caroline Leavitt: Amazing writer, gossip lover

My admiration of author Caroline Leavitt runs deep. She is a brilliant writer, her novels are so well written that you find yourself laughing and crying along with the characters in the book.

How I met Caroline is so cosmic- after I finished Coming Back to Me, I turned on my computer to find Caroline on the same message board as me (fiction lovers at ivillage). I couldn’t believe it. We would become best friends forever and drink vodka tonics and shop at Barneys (so we can pop in and see Simon of course!) and trade our Manolos. Our friendship was one of those things that was meant to be...

Click here to read our interview.

Show me some Love...

Courteny Love recently said to me, "DJ, I'm like, sober and like, all people f****** care about is how freaking fat I am. Like, I'm so F******* sick of this shit! Man, this totally f******! You know, what I f****** mean?"

Of course! Poor Courtney. All she wants to do is build a better life for herself and set a good example for her daughter, Frances Bean. You know, trashy is the new classy and Courtney is doing a great job. Let's all give her a round of applause and a free weekend at Promises!

Ben n' Jen

Ben and Jen look so sweet at a party for Ben's brother Casey. I cannot help but wonder what would have become of Ben if he and Jennifer Lopez had ended up married.

Paris and I swim together like two mermaids

Please dont comment about the wrinkles around my eyes. Someone took my Gucci eyewear and I was squinting.

Isn't it nice to have Paris back in the USA after her trip to Europe? After a swim, we sat and talked about Tara Reid while we drank Cosmopolitans. Paris confided she didn't want cameras around her all the time and she didn't want to be on that show, Wild and Drunk With Tara because it would make her appear trashy. I said I didn't blame her. After all, Paris has her "American Royalty" image to uphold!

K. Fed sighting!

I just received news of a sighting from a reader in Malibu. "Tina P" wrote:

"I was shopping in the grocery store today. I turned around and who is behind me but Kevin Federline. He was wearing low, baggy pants and a tee shirt. He was very dirty looking. The person he was with looked like a gang member. I tried to see what was in his cart. I didn't see everything but I noticed:

Pabst Blue Ribbon, vienna sausages, doritos, coca cola, cereal- I think it was Lucky Charms, a loaf of Wonder Bread, ice cream, toilet paper, Marshmallow fluff, Milanos. I think there was Spaghetti O's in there too, and Cheez Whiz. I thought you would want to know this! He started smoking as soon as he was out of the store."

Mmmmm. Sounds like K. Fed has a descriminating palate. If you are ever invited to the Spears-Federline home, you may want to eat a sandwich before you head over for Marshmallow fluff and Cheez Whiz on crackers and a cup of cheap beer.

Nick looks THRILLED to be signing another autograph. I know it must get really tiring signing your name as "Mr. Jessica Simpson."

Hey Nick, nice Pimp shirt, did you borrow it from your father- in- law? I thought so.

Ashlee

Now we know why Joe Simpson made sure it was Jessica's picture on the cover of OK magazine. Ashlee simply looks like an eighty year old woman. I seldom go out of the house with my coif pulled back severely off my face and no cosmetic application. One must look ones best while shopping in Beverly Hills! It takes me forty five minutes just to have my cosmetic therapist apply the correct foundation and blend it into my alasbaster skin. Please, darling! Do something with that hair.

The furry wrap doesn't help her look. What is on her head, a hairband with a merkin attached?

Tara Gets Drunk!

Tara ran up a $70,000 tab during her champagne/pool party. The producers are changing the name of the show from Wild On...Tara to Tara Does Europe Volume 1. I think Tara and Courtney Love would make a nice couple. Will Tara ever "settle down"? Is Carson Daly kicking himself, wishing he and Tara had gotten married? Does Tara have a raging case of STD's? I hope my questions will be answered soon, I have many more for her.

Friday, August 12

What? What?

What's in Tara's belly? A plate, a mirror, a vial of coke, a bottle of beer and a condom. What do you think?

Rachel McAdams is as pretty as a unicorn with a big shiny gold horn. However, I just don't get the whole leggings trend. She is wearing silk boxers over the leggings! Why? This makes the fashionista weep!

Next time I chat with Anna Wintour, not my charming bulldog with the gas problem but the Vogue editor, I'll ask if this is a "must have" for my autum wardrobe. I gave up on Lycra-spandex blends years ago but if fashion dictates I need to include this along with my knitted bolero jacket and stiletto Mary Janes, then so be it.

Random musings...

It's Friday...YAY!

Paris is on a never-ending vacation. I want her job. Oh right. she doesn't have one.

Jen Gar Affleck won't be back for Alias! And Michael Vartan might be leaving too. I'm available.

Britney works the Daisy Dukes. Give the cooter shorts a rest, Brit. You're blocking the birth canal.

Somebody please! Hire a stylist to cut Bill Maher's budding mullet.

Kate Hudson says: "Pot during pregnancy? Not a problem!"

WHY? because I can!

Deep thoughts

"Are you there God? It's me, Paris."

We all talk to ourselves while staring at ourselves while thinking of ourselves while finding boyfriends named after us. It's totally normal and quite common.

I once told Angelina to cut Maddox's hair and she took my advice and had it trimmed into a darling mohawk. Now I say the same thing to Cindy Crawford regarding her son's coif: "Cut that shit off!"

It appears he is wearing a helmut of chlorinated hair, covering his ears like a bad set of ear muffs.

Kim to Jen: Sorry!

After making Jennifer Aniston cry with a carelessly mean comment, Kimberly Stewart sent flowers and an apology to the star. Kimberly, talking about Jennifer, flippantly commented, “I like her because she's homely. She obviously has to have something else - it's not like she's gorgeous or anything."

Naturally Jennifer felt like a hairy warthog after reading Kim's words. I mean, no one wants to be called homely no matter where the insult is flung from. I overheard Mary Kate saying I was chubby in the thighs and I went home and did six thousand squats and took a box of ex-lax afterwards. Believe me, it was the last time I took my clothes off in front of her.

Jen commented in this month's Vanity Fair, saying, "It literally ruined my night. I got my feelings very hurt actually." Of course honey! I understand. Now, tell me what you really think of Kimberly. Promise I won't tell!

High waist is IN

See, the Daisy Duke look is en fuego at the moment. By all means, wear your hideously high waisted pants and shorts, it's a sexy look...not really.

Kate Hudson demonstrates how flattering a high waist can be while the original Daisy shows us how to cut off circulation by wearing crotch grabbing shorts and a matching belt. Why, her shorts are so tight I can read her lips!

Teri Hatcher runs and runs

Is Eva Longoria too busy juggling her men to notice that costar Teri Hatcher has one foot in the grave? Okay, there's 'skinny' and then there is 'dangerously thin' and it's time to go check into a place that can help you add some poundage to your frame. Did Teri spend the summer filming Survivor, existing on banana leaves and a grain of rice?

Teri, if you are reading this and I'm pretty sure you are because you are a big fan of mine, PLEASE go get some help before your twiggy legs rub together and ignite.

Suddenly I find myself craving beef jerky, funyons and cheap beer. And I have an unquenchable thirst for Field & Stream magazine and a ride in a pickup truck with a gun rack.

Did you order your advance copy? I want to see up Britney's nose again while hearing how good Kevin is in bed. If that show doesn't win at least six Emmy awards then I'm on a plane to Canada. First class of course!

Banjo time!

I don't know what made me think of that fantastic show Hee Haw? I suddenly want to sit on a bale of hay and watch people Do-si-do.

Do you think Lindsay asked: "Hey Andre, got some blow?" She looks kind of guilty. He's like: "Peace, I don't do the drugs, I just dress like I'm high." and Lindsay's like: "Yeah right!"

Make mine Fiji!

Jessica might want to save the world but like, she wants cases of Evian water too! Prior to her Dukes of Hazzard press tour, Joe Simpson who is annoying me like a bad case of VD, sent around a multi-page pamphlet with daughter Jessica's demands.

Among her requests were paid accommodations for her hairstylist and assistant, several thousand dollars worth of clothes for her wardrobe, private airfare for Jess and her crew. And if she didn’t get want she wanted, then dammit she would not do the press tour. Wahhh! What's going to happen when Jessica does her work in those third world countries? I don't think there's a five star hotel near the poor people. And forget about designer trunks full of dry clean only clothes. Jess, you might want to rethink your goal of creating world peace.

Jessica was full of diva-like demands during a recent magazine shoot and called her father if she didn’t get her way. In related news, Joe Simpson brokered a deal with OK magazine to put Jessica on the cover of the new American version which just hit news stands. She received a hefty sum for her time and to think I offered to pose for $50,000 and they turned me down.

Thursday, August 11

Karen McCullah Lutz

Karen McCullah Lutz wrote this very raunchy and fun book, The Bachelorette Party. Karen won't toot her own horn so I will. She is amazing. This talented chick wrote the screenplay to Legally Blonde, wrote the movie Ten Things I Hate About You and is currently preparing the screenplay for The Bachelorette Party which will be produced by and star Nicole Kidman. I'm so thrilled for her. Maybe she can introduce me to Nicole and then Nic and I can laugh about Tom Cruise and hang out with Karen and drink vodka tonics and gossip.

Read the interview here. Write a comment, leave your email address and maybe I'll send you a book.

Mischa Boobton

It's going to be all over the internet like a rampant sexually transmitted disease so you might as well witness it here. Yes, Mischa Barton's gown slipped open and exposed one nipple. Oh my gosh! I cannot believe it! Woohooo! Boobage! Let's pretend its a big deal and we're all fourteen year old boys. I've already seen this on two other sites. It's practically old news. Like this has never happened to you? I just hate it when I go without a bra and the wind blows and oops! Even worse is when a gusty breeze blows open my wrap skirt. Now I know why Sienna Miller ties her clothes to her body.

REGIS...YOURE FIRED!

I love a good catfight! This time the dueling divas are none other than Kelly Ripa and Regis Philbin. I hear the makeup artists have a trowel they use to slather foundation on Regis’s old wrinkled face. You know Regis is his own biggest fan, it's true.

According to the National Enquirer, here's what went down: “The pair were interviewing Dancing With The Stars winner Kelly Monaco, who said her relationship with dance partner Alec Mazo was strictly professional. Kelly commented: "That's the same reason that nothing goes on between me and Regis. We've got a professional relationship." Regis then shot back: "We hate each other, that's why!"

Kelly confided to a staff member that she doesn’t know how she can last four more years with windbag Regis. Sources indicate that ABC honchos plan to dump the 73 year old Regis and he will be replaced within the next year.

Pick me! Pick me!

I'm so purty!

Excuse me while I finish laughing….but Jessica Simpson wants to “save the world”. Me too! But I know that buffalos don’t have wings and I recognize the difference between chicken and fish.

Jessica wants to do missionary work (is she confusing that with missionary style- we have to wonder) and visit third world countries. You know, Angelina started the whole trend of making poor countries chic to visit.

I can see it now- Jessica will pose with hungry, dirty children for press pictures and then will retire to her five star hotel for a massage and organic fruit plate.

She also wants to adopt children and says that Angelina Jolie is her biggest role model.

Bahahahahahaha!

Lindsay says NO to coke

I can't believe this but perhaps Lindsay thinks it's April Fools in August or something.

Despite several first hand rumors that Lindsay's been snorting whitish powder of the cocaine variety in dance club restrooms from Los Angeles to New York, she promises she has never snorted anything up her nose. Not even Chinese mustard which -whew!- Is really potent, take it from moi.

She admits to trying pot (was Chris Robinson her dealer?) and says she hated it. Hated it! Drugs have ruined her parents marriage and she would not ever become involved in anything like that. Drinking, sex acts with various men and hanging out with Tara Reid, all
perfectly acceptable!

Scarlett and Benecio..never happened! Say it ain't so!

I always thought those rumors about Scarlett Johansson and Benecio del Toro having sex in an elevator were one hundred percent true. But Scarlett insists nothing happened.

She denies the accusations saying, “If you've ever been in a Chateau Marmont elevator, you'll know. You can barely stand, let alone do anything like that!” Well sure, obviously we have all been in the Chateau Marmont elevator, Scarlett! But if you are a bona fide, card carrying member of the Mile High Club, you will know that things can happen in any sized area.

Just for fun, I told Scarlett to try out a random room, closet, elevator, bathroom, cupboard, cabinet, shed or barn. She laughed and said, “DJ, I'm not one for sex in public places - save it for the bedroom!"

Scarlett wears a corset but not a girdle in her silver tube dress.

Do Not Repeat

Fashion Dont's as illustrated by Brit and Cletus, with help from Bit Bit:

No pants, no service

Cap on top of a do rag

Cowboy boots with a short dress? No.

Bucketfuls of unharnessed cleavage

Dog in carrier, so 2004/ trendy pets are over. It's time to raise goats and alpacas in your backyard. That's hot.

Unclaced shoes

Wifebeaters- this looks should remain in the trailer park along with polyester covered couches and fried pigskin

Low pants showing boxers, no crack for me!

Random Celebs

Robert De Niro is pudgy

Pat O'Brian is kinky

Kiera Knightley is single

Kate Hudson is retarded

Avril is pale

Wednesday, August 10

Danny and Juliaaaaaa

Julia and her husband take a stroll. Where are Hazel and the other twin whose name is long and it starts with a PH. Never saddle a kid with a name that starts with the same letters as in the word PHALLUS. Note to Brtiney: refrain from using the name LaPhonda.

Danny looks like Paris Latsis minus the spray painted graffiti pants and the oversize patchwork jacket.

Andy Dick

Caption Me

If you saw Kate and Chris with their son on the street would you think they were living in van, making a living from singing at coffee shops and cleaning their clothes in the river while forgoing soap and a toothbrush?

Or would you think, WOW what a totally cute hippy- like family although the guys beard has a hint of dandruff in it?

Would you wonder why the child has long hair?

Or would you simply say: Dude, pass the bong!

It's not Kate that really bothers me. I dress like her half the time I'm not wearing my mink turban and my pink Pucci caftan. Chris and his Grizzly Adams beard makes me think of the 1970's. And not in a good way. A way that reminds me of a hitchhiker on a dark highway kind of way.

Heath Bar Crunch

Heath Ledger and that girl from Dawson's Creek. What's her name? Oh right, Michelle Williams. Heath appears to be channeling Ray Charles but actually the dark shades just enable him to check out the other chicks in the room without his pregnant girlfriend knowing what he's up to.

Dude, Heath, it's a movie premiere, you think you could have shined your shoes?

Paris Latsis’s father, Grigoris Kasidokostas is reporting that his son will not marry Paris Hilton.

Papa K says his son is “much too young to even consider marriage.” Ater all, he cannot even match his clothes without help, let alone be a married man!

Mr. Kasidokostas also notes that his son hasn’t even talked to his father about getting married so how can it be true? If that doesn’t say PUBLICITY, than I don’t know what does. In the meantime, plans are rolling along for Nicole Richie which means Paris needs to step up her game and will actually have to pull off a fantastical wedding and marry the color blind fashionista.

Kim and Courtney, odd couple

It's nice to see Courtney Love out and about, keeping company with Kimberly Stewart who is famous for...? What? Oh, right, being Rod Stewart's daughter and Paris Hilton's pal. I want to bring to everyone's attention that Kimmy is currently dating that sly dog, Joe Francis of the Girls Gone Wild phenomenon. I personally believe that Joe is secretly taping Kim, Paris and Tara for a celebrity Girls Gone Wild and I suppose we might also see Courtney Love in there as well or not. Maybe she's just going to hold the camera.

Eat, Teri, Eat!

Ping! Ding! Eeek! Whomp! Anorexia alert! Alert! Someone, please give Teri Hatcher a loaf or two of french bread, a cheeseburger and an entire box of Dunkin Donuts with a vanilla milkshake and a dose of lard. I'm sorry, doesnt any one look at her and notice something is amiss like...oh, I don't know, SHE'S MISSING HER ENTIRE BODY MASS? She is going to snap in half like a brittle twig and blow away, never to be seen again.

Is Eva Longoria making snide comments about Teri's weight? Aside from Celeb Detox, now we can officially begin the Celeb Eating Disorder program. We can add Teri's name to the growing list where Mary Kate and Nicole are charter members with Kate Bosworth's application being reviewed.

Tom Kat

"Tom, what do you think of Katie's new photo shoot?"

"I think she looks Oh-tay!"

Even though Tomkat has been out of the public eye for about fifteen days, don't worry, the two cultish lovebirds are still going strong. They are currently on location shooting Mission Impossible 3.

I assume Jessica, the Scientology handler is still a third wheel, or else Katie is wearing the Martha Stewart inspired ankle bracelet so her whereabouts are noted and her words are recoreed. Plus, its so much easier to keep track of Katie in a foreign country. She cannot get too far when Jessica is holding her passport.

Nicole Richie...please eat!

The pants are cute if not entirely reminiscent of the time I ate pita bread and goulash while a belly dancer shimmied in front of me with snappy cymbals on her fingers.

Nicole Richie got a haircut and some new sassy highlights. Yeah! Now maybe she should go for an extra-large double stuffed pizza with a side of nachos and a beer.

Jude and Sienna

I used to find Jude Law kind of sexy until I saw the above photo. Now I think he is hairy. Check out the mane on his legs!

Sienna is dashing out of the theater, perhaps on her way to Jude's flat where they have been "talking"...don't take him back Sienna, he seduced the nanny for crying out loud!

Sienna has a cool bohemian chic style that I admire. However, I will not tie my sandals to my pants. Maybe it was windy and she was afraid her pants would blow away so she tied them to her ankles? I prefer using double sided tape.

Pregnant Heidi Klum

You can be pregnant and cute and have a fabulous set of boobs without forgoing a bra and eating Cheetos and ice cream beverages, not that I have anyone in mind as I make those comments. Heidi Klum makes a gorgeous pregnant woman. Promise me Seal and Heidi won't turn into one of those couples who end up getting a divorce after a year or two of marriage? They seem so in love.

When I have my photo taken against a orange hued backdrop while naked, I usually refrain my sticking my tongue out lizard- style butperhpas some people find that this makes Heidi Klum more exotic?

Christina to Britney: YOU'RE OVER

I'm just paraphrasing here because I have been so super busy all day and don't have time to quote directly: Christina Aguilera is going around saying that Britney Spears will NEVER be a sex symbol again.

She thinks Britney has sunk down to an all time low and will never find a way out of Whitetrashville. Pretty soon, Christina predicts, Brit will be wearing a washed out housecoat with pink foam curlers in her hair and a pair of plastic sandals from the dollar store. She will be driving a 1988 Dodge Ram with a gun rack, blasting Dolly Parton out of the speakers with baby Wanda Jo strapped to the benchseat with twine and duct tape.

Maybe I'm embellishing just a bit, but Christina firmly believes Britney's days of super- pop- star icon status are as fizzled out as a can of beer laying on the porch under the Louisiana sun. Pffftttttt.

Tuesday, August 9

Brown shoes? Rethink the fashion choice, Vince.

Jennifer and Vince went to dinner together and I'm a little upset they didn't call me to join them. Last time I was with Jen, we were in Mexico with Brad and we all ended up drinking too much tequila and well, I don't remember but I woke up naked with salt on my mouth and lemon in my hair.

This would have been a nice way for Jen and I to get together once again and cement our friendship. I can only guess that she found out about the time Vince hit on me at a nightclub and I refused his advances. Maybe I should have called him, then you would be looking at me leaving a restaurant in my jeans and white silk shirt with no bra underneath.

Adam Brody..digging for gold

Rule #47 from the How to Be A Celebrity Guide-

Do not pick nose in public.

Is this the proof you are looking for that ParisL is not gay? Oversized jacket, powder blue blouse and a hand on Paris H's breast. Hes leaning in for the kiss, mouth open and ready to slip her some Greek tongue.

Why am I reminded of two kids playing dress up? I think they are headed to a Halloween party as Mr. and Mrs. Howell.

Kate and Orlando...the story of a beard

Can I be your beard forever? This is such a good gig, 'Lando! I'm so glad I didn't go with that Tom Cruise freak.

Aww shucks, Kate. You know how I feel about the hobbits.

Hold me like a baby and make me feel like a woman!

Britney in a bikini!

Mah boobs are gettin' so big, y'all! They're like out to here!

Sometimes, I'm afraid they gonna just explode.

Y'all do mah legs look short and stubby?

Dirty wifebeater and a bottle of juice

Whenever there is a special occasion, Kevin Federline will head to the downtown barber shop where a man with gold teeth will cornrow his hair. It takes hours and hours to do cornrows!

Imagine if this photo was a scratch n' sniff. I wonder what Kevin smells like? Somehow I doubt he's Zestfully clean. More like a Garbage Pail Kid. Maybe he is combination of cigarettes and wet towels? Body oder? Dirty laundry, or all of the above?

I'm thrilled that Courtney has finally kicked her drug habit. And it doesn't bother me in the least that she has gained weight and is sporting a quadruple chin. I won't even talk about the shoulder dusting earrings that meet her necklace and form a confusing jumble of accessories. I promise not to compare her to Joan Rivers who she is beginning to resemble. Black roots? I don't see any. I will however, remind Courtney that she really shouldn't be borrowing Christina Aguilera's Dime Store Hooker Red lipstick because of germs and after all, this is flu season. That's all I was going to say. I'm not even going to comment on her spackled on pancake makeup. Lips zipped!

Nick and Jess, the final days

Jessica and Nick, out for a day of shopping which Nick just loooooooves!

Everytime I run into them, two things always take place: 1. Nick will always desperately call a friend on his cell phone and ignore Jessica and 2. Jess will pout like a two year old and speak like a baby.

Despite their insistance that the marriage is solid and everything is as fine and wonderful as unicorns and roses, I believe the two are destined to head to divorce court. In fact, Nick has F. Lee Baily on speed dial.

Christine Taylor

Maybe I've been drinking too much but didn't Ben Stiller's wife, Christine Taylor, just have a baby like three days ago?

And here they are, out and about and the woman is wearing teeny jeans and looking like her body has never seen an infant pass through the birth canal.

Although I am a celebrity, you know how my pictures are everywhere, I didn't realize that a Pilates trainer and a yoga teacher were on standby immediately following the birth of a baby. In Hollywood there is no time off! You must get back into shape as soon as possible and begin starving yourself to fit back into your True Religion jeans at once!

The latest trend

Not only do I have to worry about buying a designer doggie carrier, but I need a mini dog with a studded collar and velvet cape to put in the carrier. I must have an oversized leather purse that can carry a folded up Olsen twin and a bottle of spring water, then I have to employ a large black man (or two) to carry my packages, open doors for me and protect me from my fans, now it comes to my attention that the latest accessory is not a child from a foreign country or a freaky religion, its having my own personal Umbrella Attendent.

This trend was started by Michael Jackson who was obviously too pale, weak and limp to hold his own umbrella as these accessories can weight at least one ounce. Now everyone from Angelina to Lindsay and all the actresses in between employ an Umbrella Attendent. I wonder if they charge an hourly rate or a flat fee?

Posh and Becks: Kabbalah converts

Those pants are so tight we can read her lips!

Victoria Beckham loves plastic surgery. She defends women who have succumbed to being sliced open with a carving knife in hopes of becoming more beautiful with bigger boobs and a smaller nose and wider cheekbones and a more sculpted chin. But Posh swears that she has never undergone a plastic surgery procedure even though its quite obvious she has two softball sized bags of silicone in her chest. I've also been lead to believe that she has had a nose job and a tummy tuck. Why can't she say "Yes I've had work done!" When I get my boob job, believe me, everyone will know. It will be on the front page of the New York Times and in the pages of US Weekly.

Meanwhile, David Beckham is showing off a tattoo that says, “I am for my beloved, and my beloved is for me, who grazes sheep in rose-like pastures." It says this in Hebrew and I hope the translation is much smaller because that would be like an entire paragraph on your body.

It was Madonna who encouraged the Hebrew body art as I hear she is trying to convert the Beckhams into wearing red strings around their skinny wrists. She is also making them read Lotsa de Casha and classes at the Kabbalah center. We should be grateful Madonna sunk her talons into the skin of the Beckham's before Tom Cruise got to them with his stun gun and emeter.

Wild On...Tara!

Whats wrong with Tara's stomach? It looks like she swallowed a box.

Tara Reid promises that the new show, Wild On Tara, is very classy and is all about “finding culture and monuments” in places around the world.

She says, “I feel like Willy Wonka and I'm taking you into the chocolate factory.” Err…okay. Very timely comparison considering the movie is in the theaters right now. I wonder what kind of chocolate factory she’s talking about and where she wants to take me exactly.

The first episode features classy Tara visiting self proclaimed "American Royalty", Paris Hilton and her flamboyantly dressed fiancé. I wonder if the cameras were allowed in the bathroom where Tara treated some of the locals to a taste of America if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Sunday, August 7

Simon Doonan: Fashionista, novelist

For my exclusive interview with pop culture icon Simon Doonan of Barney's fame, click here.

The Prince and Princess Paris

A Sid Vicious shirt plus a Harley Davidson jacket? That Paris is such a bad ass, isn't he? And if you look closely at his shoes, they appear to have suction cups on the bottom, all the better for scaling the Beverly Hills Hotel and Fred Segal after hours.

Paris H. shows off her lime green caftan, all that's missing is her mink turban, a high ball of brandy and a long cigarette holder with a burning cigarillo.

There is nothing more exciting than Jennifer Lopez trying on sunglasses in Beverly Hills. I overheard her asking, "Do these sunglasses look good with my ass?"

It's time to put a swift end to ridiculously oversized sunglasses.

Amazing!

K. Fed and Mrs. Spears

Mama Spears appears to be taking lessons on how to dress like a diva. Oversized sunglasses, bouffant hair, dangling earring and a choker and a necklace? Are those acrylic nails I spy? Dah-ling, sometimes less is more!

What what? Where are the manpris? Are those pleated khakis? At least he has corn rows and stubble or else I would confuse him with someone else. Kevin, I like the old skanky you better than the preppy pretty boy. Now show mama the wifebeater!

Britney's baby shower, y'all!

A baby shower was held for Britney this weekend, y'all and I was not invited. I have a sneaking suspicion that Brit and Kev have been reading this blog and they are not liking what I'm writing. So I'm being snubbed, y'all!

Thats okay. I harbor no ill feelings and am still sending along a box of half shirts with the words, "Daddys Little Hottie!" and "Dirrty Girl!" spelled out in sequins in size 0-3 months. There is nothing cuter than an infant with a "Sexy Baby" onesie.

Saturday, August 6

Paris Latsis: Attack of the 80's clothes!

NO!

Random pix

Gwen Stefani is so pulled together that even after leaving the gym she applies a fresh coat of lipstick and matches it to her sneakers and the stripe in her shirt. So well coodinated!

Orlando gets his freak on and parties the night away. I love a guy who can cut loose and sing Village People songs.

Maggie Gyllengaldhealdslahall shows her pits and forgets for a moment that she hasn't shaved since two days ago. If you think thats bad...

Christina Ricci needs carbs. Get this girl a Subway club with extra may and a bag of chips.

Christina A. needs some foundation and blush with a hint of bronzing powder. Honey, the vampire bloodless ghoul look only works for Marc Anthony.

Mariah relaxes on an expensive yacht. She even insists the red carpet is rolled out for her on a boat!
Paris and Paris, looking at the pictures but not comprehending the words. Instead of Where's Waldo, they play Where's Paris? Tell me, what's it like to be on a vacation that never ends?

Mary Kate Olsen employs two bodyguards to guard her carpet bag and Goodwill gown. Marlboro Reds anyone?

Kate Hudson, Husband for Hire!

Kate Hudson said something about being okay with her husband cheating and she expects it. Blah blah blah, monogamy..fidelity...marriage vows...blah. Any takers?

I think kissing Chris Robinson might be:

A. like kissing Star Jone's mink
B. taste like licking an ashtray
C. rubbing up against a racoon, is a rabies shot included?

The Douche of Hazzard

Ooowww, I'll pretend my implants aren't squashed. It hurts but I'll just smile and open my mouth.

What do you mean the Dukes of Hazzard got half a star in People Magazine this week? Didnt you see my Oscar worthy performance or my butt?

Does this dress make my boobs look gigantic?

You want me to sign your what? Uh..okay!

Demi Moore, why haven't you called?

Clearly Demi is not pregnant.
I'm sure you have heard all about her miscarriage because you are so well-informed. Poor Demi.

I sent her a card with a handwritten note and an offer to take me to lunch at The Ivy but sadly I haven't heard back from her. Lunch with me is always a kick in the pants. I'm a laugh a minute and can do wonderful imitations. She should call me.

It's times like this when one can really draw power from that red string around the wrist.

The J. Lo files

Just for fun and because my toe nails were freshly painted from a very intense pedicure/reflexology session, I tried to copy Jennifer Lopez's stance in my full length mirror trimmed in 100 watt light bulbs.

To do this yourself: You kind of have to make your elbows meet in the center of your back and then spread your legs and turn them in as if you have a sharp oject up your bottom and it hurts. The stance might be really comfortable if you are a wooden puppet with hinged limbs. No offense but she looks like she is missing a chromosome.

Who's married to a skinny, controlling Latin singer with a huge penis? Raise your hand!

Jen is coming out with a new perfume which is a blend of Ben Affleck, Marc Anthony and Chris Judd with just an undertone of P. Diddy. It's called LIVE. And Mary Kate is coming out with one that smells like an ashtray mixed with coffee grounds and its called STARVE.

Apple and Gwynnie

Can baby Apple Martini be any cuter? My source- which is really a friend of a friend who knows someone who is in Gwyneth Paltrow's yoga class tells me Gwyn might be pregnant. Which would be so nice for Apple. A brother or sister, Banana (boy) or Mango (girl) for her to play with!

Perhaps the Martins should branch out and try other sources of inspiration for names this time. Maybe nature- Rustling Leaves, or canned food- Delmonte, cosmetics- MAC (very gender unspecific), writing implements- Crayola, clothing- Trouser, literary- Hemingway...the possibilties are endless!

Please, share your thoughts. You are so much funnier than I am!

Eyes on the road, Britney

Hey y'all! I'm goin' out for some beer and cigarettes for Kevin. He told me to git out of the house 'cause someone was coming over and said I had to leave and be gone for a long time. We goin' shopping for baby Charlie Wayne and little Wanda Lee! Y'all think I can find a half-shirt for a baby?

Ashlee wants to be on SNL one mo' time

"Hello, Lorne Michaels? It's Ashlee Simpson. Listen, remember the time I had that you know, like acid reflux problem when I was on Saturday Night Live? Right, when I did the jig? And everyone hated me for a couple of months? Yeah, then? Well, I totally like, want to come on the show and sing for real. No...no...no dairy before the show. I really want to show people that I can sing! Please?

My daddy always told me never to give up and to keep at it. So, what do you think?"

Friday, August 5

Ooopsy!

You might see this in the next tabloid you pick up so be prepared. I'd like to say I was drunk but...I was totally sober when I ran into K. Fed. Ooops!

Thursday, August 4

Is this Frodo in a Speedo? All I know is Rudy is not looking good in that red banana sling. Please, let this be from a movie and not worn of his own accord. Is he into Kabbalah? He's wearing a whistle on a red string.

Fashion Police, arrest!

NO! YES! They're partying hard again!

Look, I can smoke a fatty with no hands!

I'm glad Paris L. bought Michael Jackson's old outfit off Ebay! Buckles, snaps, and studs are cool on black pants, what a badass. What's Paris doing down there? Assume the position! Is his fly unzipped? Paris- you have no shame!

Yeah! I wanna rock! Wasted! Smashed boobs and wet hair spell S E X A P P E A L! Why do I suddenly feel like eating pancakes and milk?

Tara: Headache again? Pass the blow! Paris: Ready to hurl, she even pulled her hair back for the occasion.

Detox Watch: Paris and Tara, Promises wants to help and the Betty Ford clinic is keeping a room for you but not together. You are each others worst influence. When is your sex tape collection coming out? Wild On..Paris and Tara, Rich Girls Do Europe, Girls Gone Wild Part 69.

Jess and Nick, marriage is great!

I now can conclude Jessica has an inoperable jaw problem that prevents her from closing her mouth. Just for fun, try walking around for the rest of the day with your mouth hanging open but try not to drool on yourself. That's why there's a hand with a white towel behind Jess as she's doing the conga line with Nick.

Speaking of Nick, can he look any more wasted? Dude, easy on the St. Pauli Girl. Better chug another Red Bull while you can and follow it with an espresso shot and a spoon of sugar.

How did Jessica get a hold of my mothers sea- foam green prom dress from 1968? And why is Nick sporting his landscaping outfit? Clearly they are going to two separate venues. Nick assures us that the marriage is just fine and they are really, really in love and hoping to start a family. Let's breathe a collective sigh of relief as Nicky-poo and Jessie-bear iron out their marital issues. But keep your mouth open.

Mimi Rogers, the woman responsible for introducing Tom Cruise to the world of Xenu, says he would never have sex and was bent on becoming a monk. Even though the two were married, he wanted to remain celebate to “maintain the purity of his instrument” which I find really interesting and at the same time, weird and suspicious. Why would you get married if you were planning on becoming a monk?

Obviously Tom changed his tune about his profession, going to the other extreme. He gave up his dreams of lending his voice to the Benedictine Monk chanting album after Mimi tried to deflower him. She then set him up with the Dianetic officials, hoping to cleanse his thetan and bring him to another level. I wonder if Scientology is one of those pyramid schemes like Amway where you get money for recruiting people? She's making a load off the Cruise-meister.

Duff stuff

Hilary Duff is:

a. trying not to pee in her pants like Fergie

b. passing a kidney stone

c. trying not to fart

d. ignoring her menstrual cramps

e. hitting a high note

f. hitting a low note

g. wondering why she ate that burrito before going on stage

Charlie Bucket Federline

So after me and Kev saw Willie Wonka, I says to him, Kev, we's gonna name our son Charlie, after that boy in the film! And now we're gettin' into some pret-tee big fights about what we gonna name the twins. I says Wonka Lynne fer the girl and Charlie Joe for the boy but Kev says we gotta name the boy after him, Kevin Junior. He says we can call him "KJ" for short but I think thats real white trash soundin'. We fight about this all the time.

I just love the movie Willie Wonker and I should name the baby what I want but Kev is fighting me on it. He's fixin' on havin' a baby boy that's just like him.

Anna Nicole Smith is offering herself to Colin Farrell. But first she wants to view his porn tape.

She has heard that Colin is packing some major heat, although that’s not what I hear. She wants a piece of the action and I wouldnt be shocked if an Anna and Colin video surfaced. However, I would be afraid that Anna's monstrous tits would suffocate Colin if the two were ever to hook up.

Anna is begging Colin for a “private viewing” of his homemade sex video. I suppose she wants to view his techinque before they actually do the deed. Colin offered me a signed copy of the tape but I politely refused. I'm holding out for "Paris and Paris, a Night in Paris" which should be hitting local video stores soon!

An Olsen sighting!

Ashley Olsen digs in her purse for a box of Dexatrim and a cigarette. Why is this girl still famous? After all, Passport to Paris and Billboard Dad came out years ago. I haven't heard if she is still dating Jared Leto. Why hasn't their photo been plastered all over the internet? Ash and John Stamos should hook up, they would make a nice couple. She's legal and he's single. What do you think?

Papa Pitt

An early picture of Brad Pitt for all his fans. Enjoy. Too bad we don't get a shot of his faux paint-splattered parachute pants and neon LA Gear Hightops.

Brad and Angie are serious about building their own family. Sources (tabloids and internet gossip) report that Brad's name was left off Zahara's adoption papers because his divorce is not final with Jennifer. When Zahara was handed over to her new "parents" Brad said, "How do you like your new mom and dad?"

And recently, Maddox was heard screaming, "Where's my DAD? I want my DAD!" unless what he was really saying was "I want my BRAD." It's hard to tell. I have heard grown women saying they want Brad too. Or else they were saying Dad but I think that was just Jessica Simpson.

Wednesday, August 3

Tara Reid, fellow Jersey girl

Add your own caption:

You caught me red handed- I'm not drunk!

I like to be a combination of orange and baked -bean colored.

Is tanorexia a treatable disease?

Implants? Of course not! Why would you think that?

Is my nose bleeding?

No, I'm not wearing panties!

Why do people call me Tara Weed?

Got Coke?

You'll never guess where I store the blow!

Lactating? No, why?

Mmmmm hmmmm. Shorts!

Who wears short shorts? Well, Paris L. and Nicky Hilton do of course! Those shorts Paris sports are a shade better than a Speedo. I believe he actually owns a Speedo and its only a matter of time before he puts in on. Purple and sequinned, naturally!

And Nicky, don't forget to look in the mirror on the way out the door to check for camel toe.

Ayelet Waldman

This is Ayelet Waldman who recently went toe to toe with Oprah over a controversial article she wrote for the New York Times. Ayelet is also a fantastic writer with a great sense of humor and has a new book out on the shelves.... http://conversationsfamouswriters.blogspot.com/

Sienna pregnant with Jude's love child

While I like Sienna's hippy chic style of dressing, I have to pass on the lace up sandals tied to her pants. Is she worried she might lose her jeans? I'll forgive her on this fashion blunder because I hear she is pregnant. Reports from difference sources say she is six weeks, other most trusted source say she is nine weeks along. Either way, it sucks to be her right now. We can label Jude a sexaholic and hope he attends a 12 step program so he can keep his wee-wee in his pants for longer than a day. He and Eric Benet might be able to get a two for one deal.

The only reason to take your kids to the park is to troll for hot moms with young nannies. Duh!

Jessica speaks...

If I make this dumb face where I push out my lips, maybe no one will notice the zits on my cheek.

No, really, this is belly button perfume. It comes with a magic wand and you just dab it into your belly button. Really! No, I'm not kidding. I thinked it up all by myself and it smells like maraschino cherries and tastes like icing! It's totally stupid but will make me richer! That's what my pa said.

I blew Johnny Knoxville five times!

Me so sad. My extensions are about to fall out and my feet hurt! Plus the back of my shirt is wide open and my sister told me it looks like I'm wearing a top made out of toilet paper.

Jennifer Aniston was shocked along with the rest of the world to see Brad and Angie snuggling up to each other on the beaches of Africa and playing in the English conutryside. Jen was not too happy to open up her tabloids and read all the rumors about her soon to be ex-husband and Ms. Jolie.

Shes been hurt and embarrassed and its Jen’s turn to pour her soul out to Vanity Fair magazine in the upcoming issue, at the same time commenting on how obtrusive the media is.

Jen says she has been, “Lonely, upset, confused.” But please, no sympathy cards for her. She has a new house on the beach in Malibu next door to the Arquette family and she can pop over for a sit in a bean bag chair or try on some clown shoes to cheer herself up. I hear she enjoys the whoopee cushion collection owned by David Arquette and has even played around with fake dog poop on occasion.

Insisting she wants kids, Jen says the divorce was not because of her choosing a career over babies. She also says, “I love Brad; I really love him. I will love him for the rest of my life. He's a fantastic man. I really do hope that someday we can be friends again." Maybe she can babysit?

Coco and Courteney

See, Courteney Cox is a good and dedicated mommy! But just in case the baby needs to be fed, or requires a diaper change or Courteney wants to dash into a store to drop some bills, the nanny is close behind to take over. Whew ! Imagine being alone with your child and not having an extra set of hands to help?

I want a whole team of nannies. I want a royal fleet of helpers for my children, there to perform all the unpleasant tasks involved with being a mother. They all must be extremely unattractive though. I learned my lesson from poor Sienna.

K. Fed and Shar, together for the kids

Shar Jackson wearing a big headband and a wide open shirt held together with strings, very Whitesnake video circa 1989. That was her outfit for the cowboys and indians party for Kori. I wonder if she was also wearing leather chaps and a pair of spurs? Yee haw!

At the Bony Pony Ranch, during the party which may or may not have been given by Shar Jackson, Kevin embraces his inner pioneer and takes his children for a pony drawn carriage ride. Kori eats her fist while Kaleb wonders why the last part of his name is Michael Jackson.

I wonder if that nylon-lycra blended do rag cap thing makes Kevin's head sweat? Just shake a little cornstarch in there to absorb the grease, Kev. I know he reads this blog on a daily basis. From time to time I'll be happy to throw in a couple of tips for him, like...use soap, toothpaste is good for your teeth and don't forget to wipe twice.

The Three Cokateers!

So...between the three of them- four cups of coffee plus two Red Bulls, five ex-lax tablets and one piece of gum was eaten all day. The secrets to staying skinny in Hollywood. I left out the blow consumption.

Teri Hatcher is reportedly writing a book called "Burnt Toast" while Mischa contemplates getting back together with Moneybags Davis and Nicole gears up to face Paris in yet another season of The Simple Life, this time with more bikinis and jello wrestling.

Goin' shoppin'

Despite her $6 million home being renovated with $10 million in upgrades and a $5 million bank loan, Britney seems to have enough cash to go shopping at Kitson with Jamie Lynn, y'all.

I'm wondering if that's a maternity dress thats a tad too snug or a regular dress thats too tight. Either way, those boobs are huge! Nice red panties too Britney, matches your Kabbalah string, how clever! Does that bring extra good luck?

Fergie...

Everything on Fergie is fine, even the "golden globes" peeking out of the top of her black mini dress, but then you look down and eek! What's up with the banana colored leg wear and matching shoes?

Fergatroid, what? Who? Why? Hon, aside from giving you a trial packet of Depends for your crotch sweat, I'd like to gift you with a pair of lovely black high heels.

MK shows her panties!

From the back she's just another teenager with baggy, low riding pants and satin underwear exposed for all the boys to see.

But from the front- gasp!- its Mary Kate Olsen! Sweetie, I have a leather belt with diamond studs and turquoise beads that would look fab with the outfit. Call me and we can grab an extra large, grande, venti, non fat, decaf, soy latte with a shot of colon cleanse tomorrow morning and I'll show you how to work the belt.

Ryan Cabrerra

Dude, I didn't know how to put a hat on my pin spiked broom hair. Ashlee's like, dude, just rest the hat on top! Duuhhh. She rocks. But we're not sleeping together!

Last time we were together, her dad watched us have sex in the tour bus. Like, duuuuuude. Here's your daughter back!

If you throw water on me, you can see my nipples, look! Cool, huh? I always get the chicks this way. Duuude, like am I hot with my white belt or what?

The Tylers: Steven and Liv

Jennifer Aniston has expressed an interest in sleeping with Steven Tyler. Maybe if she slips him a Viagra in some Red Bull it would work. That is if she's into necrophelia. He looks like a walking corpse with mascara. Wake up and eat some carbs. And hair conditioner is a good thing!

Daughter Liv shops and I hope she's sending me something good. Size 4 please! I like breathing room. I just read in one of my trustly tabloids that Liv is pregnant already, son Milo is seven months. I have not confirmed the story so believe what you want.

Tuesday, August 2

Charlize Theron

Charlize Theron gets frisky and kinky with those darn Pussycat Dolls. Look, I have red lipstick and thigh high fishnets, when am I going to get an invite to perform?

While Charlize is stunning and keeps calling to meet at the Polo Club for lunch, I have to point out that the plastic clips of yore are "out" fashionably speaking. She could have clipped feathers to her hair and donned a pair of LA Gear hightops for the same sartorial punch. Please do not put those in your hair and if you use a scrunchy, just leave now.

Tan Pam

Now Pammy says she isn't going to remarry Tommy! Make up your mind, Pam. I guess when we go for our duel Mystic Tanning sessions and acrylic nail pedicures, I'll find out just whats going on.

And Pam's coming out with a new novel, a sequel to Star, her book from last year about a small town girl making it big in Hollywood and sleeping around and posing nude and all the stuff I've already done. Yeah but can she blog?

Ps. I spy hair extensions. 100% Korean Hair, We Dye to Match!

Ewwwwwww!

Uh oh, looks like someone wet her pants! Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas- or shall I say Pee's- clearly took a tinkle in her shorts.

There's nothing sexy or hip about a golden shower while you're prancing around on stage and your bladder decides to let loose. Just ask my Grandma with the faulty plumbing and a package of Depends under the bathroom sink.

There's a rumor going around that the Fergster is pregnant which would certainly make sense and be the only explanation for wetting her pants. I mean, there is no really good excuse for peeing in your pants past age 2 but I'll cut her some slack if the rumors are true. I hope she had a wardrobe change with her.

The OC hair don't

I don't really know this guy, Benjamin McKenzie from The OC, I don't watch the show but I guess if you are in the 13-25 year old age range its a "must see."

I'm wondering why, at his tender young age, does Ben feel the need to do a faux comb over? What's the feathered hair doing on a kid like that? Save it for when your scalp is showing and you need to disguise it like Donald Trump so you can fool us all but not really because a bald man with three strategically placed strands of hair is still bald, right?

Let's send Ben to a good hairdresser in West Hollywood and update his look for the new television season.

Happy Birfday!

Britney is a good step-mom to little Kori. She threw a birthday party for Kori at a place called The Bony Pony which is also what she calls Kevin at home. Or is it the Bologne Pony? Either way, Kori had a soiree at a ranch in Malibu and got to ride horses and eat candy all day!

Who tipped off the paparazzi and got these exclusive photos? I smell K. Fed. Shar said whenever theres a photo op with Kori, the paps are called in to document it so everyone thinks Brit and Kev are really good parents. Which she indicated, they are not. But Britney bought Shar a house and pays child support so Shar should keep her yap clamped tightly shut.

Meanwhile, I hope Britney's shorts don't continue their upward travel into her cooch. Those shorts are blocking the babys exit from her chicken fried womb! Giddyup, bony ponies!

Task tsk Ben!

Jen's baby bump is cute but Ben's cigarette is not. Get him a nicotine patch and some Nicorette gum stat! He must have gone to the K. Fed school of how to be an expectant father: start with a cigarette, add beer, mix in one stripper and a wad of cash, stir gently along with a hand of poker and a Range Rover, throw in a Starbucks coffee and a Tazo tea and there you go.

Becks n' Bones

Sternum chic once again! Posh shows off her cleavage and her bones. I guess its not really "in" to eat anymore. Great! Now Im going to have to give up those Subway clubs I love so much. Calories dont count if you do a colon cleanse chaser, right girls?

I guess Victoria was too busy primping and preening to notice her husband left the house wearing a black blazer and navy blue pants along with a pair of Cotton Club shoes. I prefer my men to match their jackets to their pants but I guess Posh is just concerned that he keep his pants ON. Big flirt that he is.

Night Swimming

I want to recommend a wonderful novel called Night Swimming by Robin Schwarz. She is terrific writer and a really cool person too. Friends with James Patterson, yes, that famous writer that everybody loves, Robin has interesting stories to tell and its worth taking a few minutes of your time and reading our interview.

Please take your vodka tonic over to my other site and read all about her: http://conversationsfamouswriters.blogspot.com/

Monday, August 1

K. Fed's new line of shirts

Kevin should start selling these out of the back of his Range Rover off the 405. I think I might be inclinded to purchase a wife beater if it asked "Got Colon Cleanse?"

Don't you love it?

Pants, anyone?

Although I enjoy Fantasia's music, I must say that I find her legs a tad disconcerting. Not that her legs aren't fine and sturdy and everything but I'm more comfortable when people wear actual pants. I wonder if Clay Aiken likes to sing minus his bottom half of clothing? Now that would be HOT.

I have a No Pants policy at times but there are moments, like when I'm performing in front of a live audience, when I enjoy the feeling of fabric on my legs.

K. Fed and Brit and cousin Spears

It's clear. Kevin must have a foot fungus that prevents him from hanging out sockless. He must have gotten a pedicure from the same place Paula Abdul was infected from.

Britney's shirt says something like "Goddess With a Bump" and I think we can come up with other clever sayings for her shirts. Like:

"No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problems!"

"Guys From Fresno Do It Better!"

"This Bump is Really a Big Cheeto!"

Feel free to add your own!

Coco Arquette

Coco Arquette enjoys being with her nanny. And Courteney Cox can relax knowing her bambina is taken care of by a quality babysitter who is non-threatening. Maybe Jude Law's future girlfriends/wives/mistresses should take a page out of Courteney's book and hire less attractive woman to be around the kids. That Daisy was quite the tempting, sexy little strumpet wearing those pink Uggs.

K. Fed from Fresno says WHAT UP

One could argue that Kevin is a thrifty little monkey buying his white wifebeaters and white socks in bulk and wearing flip-flops from the Pic N' Save. He then exercises caution in buying cheap jewelry by investing in a quality watch heavily laden with diamonds and crafted out of solid gold scored from the caves in Egypt.

It's always good to choose your purchases wisely when money is tight. Like, forego house payments in favor of buying expensive cars and watches and high quality weed.

Ashlee waits for a boyfriend cast-off wearing a knitted romper

I would be happy to loan Ashlee Simpson some of my blotting papers. They absorb oil like nobodys business. In a pinch you can blot your shiny skin with a toilet seat cover, obviously before you put it down on the seat.

Its soooo wierd that Ashlee is wearing the very same dress that my grandmother uses as a toilet paper cozy parked on top of her toilet, except Grandmas has a dolls head on it. But the same knitted idea. Someone has too much time on her hands, eh Ash?

Maddox walks and the world watches! Where's baby Zahara? Already snuggled into the arms of her nanny. Angelina talks Mad-man for a trip to Toys R' Us where she walked out with bags and bags of toys. If she's open to adopting a thirty-three year old blonde girl from California by way of New Jersey, I could arrange it. I'm also open to bags and bags of clothes from Barneys.

I know Brad likes his women skinny but this is crazy! Angelina, please go eat a burrito and a tub of sour cream, pronto.

Gwen's little bun

Rumor has it that Gwen Stefani is pregnant! Yippeeee. Now the baby can wear that diaper thingy she is sporting in the above photo!

VIP = Very Immense Penis

I think if you look close enough you can see the implant scars under her boob. I promise, that Tara is going to go far in her career, she carries herself with such regal elegance and she is making a real name for herself among the high class actors and other A-listers.

It's only a matter of days before we see Paris Latsis with that VIP ball cap on.

Rock on, Tara.