Katrina
 Every night I tuck myself into my fluffy four poster bed and head off to the land of sweet dreams where streets are paved in sequins and everyone is dripping in diamonds, where Jimmy Choo shoes and Prada handbags hang from trees, ripe for the picking. And then sometimes, Mother Nature rears her Medusa- like head and wrecks havoc and then I have horrible images on the back of my eyelids where people are stranded and not safe, electricity is down, sewer rats are running down the sidewalks, homes are lost and earthly possessions are simply gone for good. And I can't stop thinking about it even though I am far, far away from where this horror took place. If you want to help, click here.
Random pix
 Sandra and Jesse at the airport. They came over for dinner, we drank margaritas and did karaoke, it was so much fun. That guy can really carry a tune, let me tell you.  Do you think Kirsten would be mad if I yanked her top down? I think she might like it actually.  Jenny, I would never wear purple shoes with a hot pink tee shirt, please! I'll forgive you because you are going through a divorce. I was hoping you would remain married but I suppose in Hollywood this is nearly impossible. This just proves that money can't but happiness but it can buy lots of cute shoes and nice clothes.  Avril, why such a pouty puss? Do your feet hurt from wearing those very pointy shoes? Why are you always so angry? Would you like a band-aid?  Boink! Heidi Klum's belly has popped much like a turkey timer, we know her infant is almost done cooking and will be ready for his/her debut shortly. I hope she names the baby Sea Lion.  Jennifer Love Hewitt loves her tabloids! She has hired someone to follow her around and take photos of her reading the weekly rags. Shouldn't she be going on auditions or working on a spinoff of Party of Five or something?
Say SMILE, BITCH!
  Cameron always appears so unhappy over having her photo taken. Smile Cam, its your birthday! Cameron just celebrated her thirty-third birthday and she looks angry. It's just another year, hon! And forty is the new thirty so relax - you're really twenty three, almost the same age as your boyfriend! Why is she always carrying around a small digital camera? I think she might just have a portable printer that she keeps in her Toyota Prious so she can immediately examine the pictures with a magnifying glass and a waxy red pencil. In her trunk is where she keeps the darkroom which is impressive because who knew she was such a photography buff? What's really going on here is that she is in hot pursuit of a 5'6 female with blonde hair who goes by the name, "Distressed Jeans". She brings the camera everywhere hoping to spot a photo of the elusive creature, much like the fabled Loch Ness Monster. No luck thus far. But Cam will continue to bring her camera where ever she goes, hoping for that high paying money shot.
Deep Thoughts
  Let's all say it together... awwwwwww! I wonder if Zahara will call him Dad or Brad? I wonder if Brad will propose marriage to Angelina on October 2, 2005 when his divorce will be finalized with Jennifer. Will he adopt Maddox? Does he want to have his own babies with blood sucking Angie? Does he enjoy horse tail whips and chains and sharp silver spurs? Does he pick the marshmallows out of his Lucky Charms? Does Brad feel like Colin Farrell when he looks in the mirror with his black hair? Does Brad ever wish he hadn't hooked up with Angelina? Does she make him partake in wierd rituals and bathe in the droppings of bats? Do they shove pins under each others nails and like the pain? Would Brad and Angelina like to come over and play Naked Cranium with me? These questions may never be answered. But it really makes you think.
 Eva, next time just come out naked. N'SYNCer JC Chasez’s new album will include some not-so-nice songs that pay homage to Ms. Longoria and her cheating ways.
Long ago, before she was sitting on the lap of basketball player Tony Parker, she dated JC. This of course was while she was also dating someone else, was it Keifer Sutherland? She has a noted history of overlapping boyfriends. Boyfriends who she says, break up with her after she has taught them how to please a woman. She has also taught guys how to be submissive by tying them up with cord and twine and duct tape and slapping their buttocks with a riding crop. And they say Angelina is wierd?
JC's songs will include “She Wears Me Out” and “F*** With my Mind” and a song entitled, “I Found You Out”...dang, JC is pissed! What's next an "Achey Breaky Heart" remix?
Soon to be released is a collaborative effort entitled “She Done Me Wrong” with songs by tv director Stephen Kay, actor Butch Klein, ex-husband Tyler Christopher and an entire cluster of angry men who have been unceremoniously dumped by Eva.
Jackie Stallone- prettier than Angie?
 A turban is always in style, darling! 
Jackie Stallone, infamous mother of Sylvester, has chosen an actress to play her in the movie version of her life. And isn’t it obvious? Jackie claims to have supernatural talents and is able to see in the future so I am going to conclude this statement as a prophecy: She says, “ Angelina should play me. We look similar although I'm a lot prettier.” Perhaps the screenplay will be ready by time Angelina is done filming The Good Shepard. Soon she will be seen in: Call Me Jackie, The Jackie Stallone Story.
Before: Your Favorite Stars
 Brad Pitt: This is the best "before" EVER!  Mariah Carey: Nose job  Jennifer Lopez: Veneers, nose job, chin
 Jessica Simpson: Boob work, eye lift, nose job
 Sarah Jessica Parker: some say she had a nose job and to my trained eye, I only see a slight difference. Braces & cosmetic dentisty. I do like the Annie wig.
 Pamela Anderson: eyes, nose, cheeks, lips, teeth, boobs, hair bleaching, waxing, veneers, rib removal.
 Michelle Pfeiffer: Multiple nose jobs, teeth.
 Lindsay Lohan: Oh my. What happened to you?
 Katie Holmes: Now a robot
 Kate Hudson: Nose job. Don't deny it, Kate. We can see.
 Tom Cruise: Now an anal butt plugging Thetan.
 Gwen Stefani: perhaps a nose job?
 Nicole Richie: weight loss, nose job, removal of extensions.
 Catherine Zeta Jones: Eyes, nose refinement, teeth, electrolysis of her hairline.
What are your thoughts? One thing is very clear: you cannot make it in Hollywood unless you have gone under the knife for at least one cosmetic improvement. Even gorgeous Catherine Zeta Jones has submitted herself to the skilled hands of a surgeon.
A fairy tale
Once upon a time there lived an innocent pop-princess. She was not really a girl or a woman. Neither was she a boy or a man. We don't really know what she was.
 There lived a boy whose mother wore knee-socks and approved of her sons cannabis tee shirt and unlaced shoes. He was cool, yo. Peace out, Fresno!
 Fate would soon bring the two together at a club in Los Angeles. Lack of hygeine would cement the union.
 Bathing and clean shorts were a thing of the past. The two lived on love. And Cheetos and Red Bull.
 Ding dong! Ding dong! Wedding bells chimed for the happy, yet dirty and slightly greasy couple.
 The not-so- innocent singer wondered: "WHAT HAVE I DONE, Y'ALL? AND where is mah money?"
 They figured Kevin should spread his seed far and wide so he impregnanted young Britney after fathering two children with someone else. Those are the only two kids that he knows of, there may be more.
 Pregnant Brit deserves some love. A little pat on the rear and a "Bring me a beer!" Ever the good wife, she obliges and shuffles on swollen feet to get her husband a snack.
 I present...drumroll please... GQ's HUSBAND OF THE YEAR! ta da!
Come on ride the train, toot toot- the gravy train!
Puffy Diddy Sean Puff Combs P. Daddy Diddy Doody
 I handed out a few shirts and I was very pleased to see Puffy Diddy Daddy wearing one. Thanks to the P to the D.  I knew he wouldn't mind if I joined in and brought my own brand of funk to the show, the White Girl Shuffle. Unfortunately, my dancing was cut from the broadcast!
Random
 While Kirsten opts for a light glow with a mist of bronzer on her chest, Orlando obviously spent hours in a tanning bed to achieve his dark St. Tropez tan. I wish he had dedicated an hour to get his long hair cut. Snip snip.  I thought Lil Kim was in jail? She must have gotten a pass so she could attend the awards. Please Kim, keep your legs closed. I don't feel up to seeing a merkin of any kind.
 What is a sleazy used car salesman doing at the VMAs? Can someone get him a box of Whitestrips?
 When I ran into Carmen Electra on Melrose a few weeks ago, she commented on my blonde coif. Next thing I know, she's sporting an identical haircolor and style. Such a copycat!
 Eva Longoria purposely created a gigantic pin cushion of hair to hide all the phone numbers she collected throughout the evening.
 Duff stuff! I applaud Hilary's small chest because I'm sick of seeing fake orbs on women in Hollywood. However, I would like to invite Hilary into my home and feed her because I fear she is treading on dangerous Nicole Richie/Marc Anthony/Olsen twins territory.
Jessica at the VMAs
 Too much coke? About to have a seizure? Quick! Call 9-11! 
Ashlee's dress is kind of cute.  Jessica, are you aware that your shirt is falling off, exposing your bra straps? Those guys don't want your autograph, they want a peek at your jugs.
Ummm. I'm speechless.
Fergie
  Stylists were put on Earth for a reason, mainly to help the wealthy celebrities dress up and be trendy and pretty. Fergie...what happened? From the back, the dress is ..meh. Looking from the front we can surmise the dress had an alternate life as a mullet. Short in the front, long in the back. From now on, I will refer this style of gown as The Mullet Dress. I'm so busy trying to come up with a Big Bird reference that I didn't even notice the big plastic earrings which match the mint trim on the dress. Grandma has the same earrings which she wears with her caftan and flip flops down in Boca. You know how the seniors love their tacky jewelry and bright colors.
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