Conversations about Famous People: 07/01/2005

Sunday, July 31

Bai's Nipple

Aww, Bai Ling is soooo embarassed over her nipple slip, how Janet Jackson of her! No, she doesn't care- in fact, her dress is meant to show off a nip or two!

I see her hand snaking up her dress as she parties hard. What does Bai do for money? Every time I see her she's showing off some part of her body. I think I just answered my own question.

She lick you long time!

Saturday, July 30

Cameron Diaz heads out to play golf. She is celebrating her victory over that guy who forged her signature on topless photos of her before she became famous.

I like to celebrate with a bottle of $450 champagne and a full body massage followed by a professional colon hydrotherapy but thats just me. If Cam like to hit the greens and play a boring game then fine. She also like to munch on Lays chips which I see peekingout of her bag. Clearisil on standby!

It's a hard knock life!

We should all feel very sorry for Paris. She must spend her days shopping and playing on the beach while the weight of that big diamond causes her finger to droop. She spends her nights aboard a $30,000 a night yacht where she rests her golden head upon a silken pillow and sleeps next to a jabillionaire who cannot seem to match his pants and shirts and carries a fanny pack.

Professional chefs whip up gourmet foods for Paris to digest and a team of self tanning experts apply bronzer to every inch of her thin body so she can look perfectly sun kissed. I feel nothing but pity for poor Paris, having to slum her way through life. It's the pits, isn't it?

Friday, July 29

Oh Tara!

I don't think these photos need any commentary. However, Tom Cruise would like a few moments alone with Tara because he KNOWS how to wean people off their drugs and drinking habits. He has cured over six thousand addicts with just a small micro chip and a few brain washing sessions. Tom also offers a free paperback copy of Dianetics and a Battlefield Earth costume with each counseling appointment. After a completion of his program, John Travolta will give her a ride in the cockpit of his million dollar jet and Kirstie Alley will bake (and eat) a chocolate cake.

Baby Violet Affleck

Jennifer Garner's real life pregnancy will be written into Alias. I'm sure she will have a special gestational fitness expert on the set so she can maintain her fit body while she fights villians and stuff.

She left her baby name book opened on the set of her movie naturally someone snooped then blabbed to everyone how all the girls names were highlighted. The name Violet was marked with underlines and arrows and hearts. J. Gar was also seen buying pink linens and dresses so its safe to assume she will be having a baby girl and you can send your gifts directly to the Alias set. I'm mailing out my own self portrait done in pastels on a rocking chair for little Violet. Personally I prefer the name Daisy if we are going with a floral theme but they didn't ask me what I thought.

Dukes premiere, YEE HAW

Jessica, CAN YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH?

Maybe her jaw is off its hinge from too much..ahhh, work.

Ha ha ha! Thrust the chest out honey and open your mouth really wide! It's nice to see Nick still admires his wifes assets.

Keep your hands to yourself and your eyes off your kids boobs. I feel so dirty and violated, don't you?

Kimberly Stewart

What is she thinking? Borrowing outfits from Bai Ling? At least she is wearing a very thin suspender to keep her skirt up. We can surmise that she is on her way to the beach, why else would she be wearing a bikini top? Certainly not to show off her chest. Its nice when people can show off their colon and their pancreas. I think its sexy but not over the top.

Look close and see her digest her morning breakfast: a non- fat decaf half- soy part- skim latte with a half a sweet and low and a third of a stick of Extra gum. Weight loss program, courtesy of Nicole Richie.

Dear Diary, a page from Paris

Dear Diary,

Woke up this morning. Did b. and took metamucil. Constip. from heavy foods. No eating today. Wondered why Paris is wearing a hideous pair of b. shorts and a tight little tank top. If I say something he might not m. me and then-wont be set for life. He is load.

It's so hard being me! Traveling, shopping, spending money all the time, its like, really tough. Diary, this extremely large, 25 carat ring is hurting my finger and my personal care doc. says I might have to wear like, a splint on my f. because the stress the ring is placing on my delicate bones or something! Like, Nicole R. has a small ring and I cant take mine off! What will that b. think? And then we are doing that dumb show again? Dont they know I cant stand her? Like, duh!

I love myself. Looked in mirror and noticed, like, Im t. hot! How many people can find billionaires with the same name like, and then get married? That is HOT. So, I was trying to get married at Western minister Patty and like, that dumb Prince C. and the lady with the bad hair and teeth said no. Can you like, imagine? Im like, then Im never going to your country again. Where was that? I think it was Bermuda or something.

Like, hello! Now what am I going to do? Esp. when Nicole is riding on an elephant and having swans and imported macaws or whatever at her wedding. Well, I want to ride on a whale at my wedding. And have a sixty foot long lace train with eleven John Casablanca child models holding it while doves fly above my head and hold my veil! That bitch! And then if Prince whatever wont let me have my wedg at his house, I want to go to Tivo Castle where Madonna got married and only invite A-listers. Except Tara.

I have to look in the mirror hold on- its not fair that Im more beautiful than ever. else. Hi pretty girl! Im hot! Paris, not so h. but I have to rem. he is filthy rich and mother says I must marry for money because I can always cheat for love. Gotta run. More shop. and spend. its such a drag but at least I look good doing it. If you cant be happy then be HOT.

Love,
me

Britney's letter of troof

Y'all, I'm like so dang tired, it ain't funny no more. See, y'all, Kev, well he's been running threw mah money like we's growin it on a tree like buckwheat in a barrel. But it ain't so. I says to him, I says "Kevvie! We only got like one million dollars in the bank! Stop spending mah money!" and then he laughs and is like, "Yo bitch, you get that check out to Shar last month? She's sqawking like a plucked chicken again!" and we's sended her flowers and signed the card from Quentin Tarantino.

And then mah manager called him and axed if he got a part for Kev in his next film. I mean, gosh, y'all, look what he did for John Travolta! Jus think of what he can do for Kevin!

Anyways, Kev was all, "Yeah, I'm blowing this shit hole and going to Vegas, baby! Wif out you!" and I's all, the hell you are Kevin Earl! And I followed his ass out there to the Hard Rock Hotel where I stood on my puffy ankles and watched Kev dance for hours! He was blowin' smoke in mah face and telling me to go back home and I'm just all, "Yo baby, you better stop spending mah cash, I ain't got no more and the house in Malibu ain't ready yet!" And Kev's like, "Shut your yap, ball and chain!" And I know thats just his way, even though it sounds real mean like. Mah mama says thank the good lord he signed that pre-nup but I tol her that we got no money anyways! Kev buyed hisself a motorcycle and a coupla cars and he buys lots of other stuff I don't really know about but I know he loves me really he does even if he goes out all the time and leaves me all alone.

And alls I can do is sit home and eat Doritos and fried chicken and double stuffed Oreos and Kool Aid cause I'm real hungry! Mah little Lonnie Dwayne Federline is kicking me all the time and I can't even find a bra to fit so lotsa times I don't wear one but Kev thinks I look real good. He says I got more Chins that a Chinese phone book and I's like "HUH?" Some times he's talkin' and I ain't got no clue what he's sayin'. Then he say something bout a dee-vorce and riding a train made a gravy and he told me he's gonna video tape the birth of our baby and sell it to Hard Copy or somethin' and I'm just like, "What you talkin' bout Kevin Earl?" I s'pose its too late to see if Justin might wanna git back together if me and Kev dont work out?

Wild On: Tara's Ass!

Tara Reid was the obvious choice for the host of Wild On. The producers tried to talk me into it but I refused, politely explaining that while I enjoy mini skirts and vodkatinis and the company of Paris Hilton, the three really don't mix. I felt uncomfortable given what happened between Paris and me and Paris recently. You know. I just hope the video isn't circulating somewhere over in Europe.

I'm thrilled the job went to such a qualified candidate as Tara. She can actually fart to the tune of the greatest party song on earth, "Ninety Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall" and can ignore the feeling of naked ass cheeks while I get all bent out of shape when my firm yet peachy butt is showing. She has no problem with drunken and disorderly conduct and prefers to go without underpants. The cotton and elastic is so constricting! There's nothing worse than fumbling with the burden of a pair of panties when you have to go to the bathroom, you know what

I mean girls?

Tara also offers a pillowy pair of implants and a throaty smokers voice which I simply do not possess. Besides that, she is a member of MENSA and speaks fluent Latin, can dance the lambada and is a limbo champion. She has worked with chimps and had documented several specials for PBS on penguin migration as well as the life cycle of butterflies. She recycles glass and paper and is an avid volunteer for Meals on Wheels. I swear, this girl is amazing. Is there anything she can't do? I mean, besides stay sober and remember clean underpants?

Lindsay: Fully Stressed

La Lohan bagged the European Herbie Fully Loaded press junket for what she calls “family reasons.” That’s like taking time off and saying you need to “rest” for your “exhaustion” which is obviously a cover up for the real issue which is frequent bloody noses from too much coke inhalation and a weary body thanks to an overdose of Ex-lax.

The blonde star is “overwhelmed with her parents divorce trial” and I wonder how that all works when her dad is in the pokey. A good daughter and gracious with her booze and blow, Lindsay flew to New York (private jet and free champagne of course!) to be with her mother who is due to debut her boobies in Playboy, and her sister, who is the next Lohan diva. Sister Aliana will probably be visable on a Nick Jr. show where she can get a wholesome start before she dyes her hair blonde and complains of “stress” and “family issues” and starts hanging around with Conrad and Baron Hilton.

Angelina plus two

You're probably wondering where I have been. Because of my weekend stay in the "hospital" for "exhaustion" I've had some loose ends to tie up. And I want to give a big shout out to Miss Twitchy who really helped me with some of my "issues." Unfortunately due to my schedule, I was unable to help Angelina when she needed me most- during her move into Brad's Malibu spread.

She was counting on me to hand deliver her supply of hand cuffs, riding crops and feathers and I was secretly excited to see if she, like Ben Affleck, had a chair with her face painted on it so I could sit on her face. I just got too busy with "things" I had to "take care of" if you know what I mean and I think you do. This has nothing to do with Mischa Barton's coke dealing ex though so don't get any funny ideas about my whereabouts.

Although I like Angie, I can't help but wonder why she put eyeliner on Maddox in the above photo. And no, it's not at all the same as when I have french tips put on my dog, Anna Wintour. It's totally different. At any rate, I think the photo will address the question, "Will Angelina still carry Maddox when she has the baby?" and "How will she possibly carry two children at once?"
That's why the Baby Bjorn was invented! And if she adopts another poor orphan child from lets say...Arkansas, she will utilize the back-pack along with the front-pack and maybe even an infant carrier or stroller combo.

Wednesday, July 27

Is it Distressed Jeans...or Pam?

This is such a coincidence but I was wearing the exact same outfit as Pamela Anderson today and several people stopped me on the street to ask if I was indeed Pammy! I laughed and said, "Of course! Who else would I be? "

I was even drinking a Starbucks green tea frappacino which tastes like blended grass but looks very chic and healthy.

Tomorrow I will repeat the outfit and wear my cuffed jeans and stilettos except with my hair loose and long. Perfect for strolling the streets of Los Angeles in my oversized sunglasses and double stuffed Victoria's Secret bra!

Billy Ray Farrell

I didn't know that Billy Ray Cyrus was starring in a movie with Jamie Foxx?

Wait- Colin Farrell? Really. Then why does he have a mullet slicked back with Dippity Do?

I suppose you want me to comment on the recent Colin sex tape scandal. Well, duh! This is a guy that tried to bag an seventy- five year old grandmother for real. It's only a matter of time before a few more porny tapes of Colin make their way into your nearest neighborhood video rental shop.

You shouldn't be surprised, he is very straightforward about his sexual conquests. He is also very open about the fact that he has a rather small penis so I'll skip the porn tape and wait for Two Nights in Paris to make a debut.

Britney gives birth to a 55 pound baby!

(Thanks to Catherine for the photo of baby Jackie Bob Federline)

Who knew that a steady diet of Red Bull and Funyons could make a person poor? From wealth and glamour to white trash within months, it's quite staggering. Poor Britney will soon be living in the slums- or Riverside county- if K. Fed doesn’t cease throwing his wife's cash around.

Obviously, he isn't frittering her millions on salon visits, designer shoes and tailored pants. In order to save money he has taken to wearing the low budget combo of socks and flip-flops, but I hear he smokes primo quality weed and fills up his Range Rover with premium gas. I won't even mention the P. Diddy designer rims.

Pretty soon, the Federline's are going to have to start selling off pieces of property to get ready for the birth of Wanda Jo and Dewayne Earl. Two loans were taken out for the Malibu mansion Britney is currently renovating. Apparently her money is “tied up in real estate” which really means she is a few bags of Cheetos away from filing bankruptcy. Kev and Brit are staying at a $3,000 a night suite in LA while their eight bedroom, eight bathroom home is being tricked out with heated flooring and imported Italian marble along with maids quarters and a stable for when Hilary Duff visits. I'm really glad that have eight bedrooms instead of seven. Now I won't feel so cramped when I visit. Whew!

I hope they are able to clear up their financial issues before the kids come tumbling out of Britney's Dorito infested womb. It would be such a shame if they couldn't afford to hire two baby-whisperers and had to settle for just one nanny.

Mariah's flat hair...and makeover!

I felt Mariah's hair was simply too flat here. The vampy red dress and the large chest needed more balance.

Taking a page from my beauty book, I simply created a new hairstyle for Mariah which is more flattering and gives the appearance of height which she needs with the heels and the off the shoulder, come hither gown.

I'm pretty certain she will be consulting me in the future regarding her hairstyles. Bigger is better, bring on the hairspray and curling iron!

A Ben Chair

While moving furniture from Ben and Jen's home, the moving crew let it slip that a chair with a portrait on the seat actually occupied a spot in their house. It's kind of odd to have a chair like that. I'm going to assume it was a gift from a fan. My dresser and headboard have painted portraits of me on them so I can see my pretty face from where ever I am in the room along with the ceiling mirrors and the floor to ceiling reflective glass. It's all about me!

I guess when people came over they had the option of sitting on the bean-bag chair, futon or Ben's head. I would have loved to have been there when someone said, "I'll just sit over here on Ben's face."

Tuesday, July 26

I don't think I really want to talk about this photo. I have no clue how the press got a hold of Ricky Martin and I. What a violation of my privacy! See, being a super star Z-lister is tough. I cant go anywhere without the paprazzi following me.

Rumor has it that Paris got a new tip for her nose. It doesn't point down and hook like a parrots beak like it used to.

That Paris is such a sexy, tarty strumpet just like Jude Law's naughty nanny! Climbing all over Paris's lap with several other guys and check out the dude about to touch her ass! When will the video be out? She isnt bothered by the extra men in the car, I think it turns her on.

Paris n' Paris have been rumored to be having trouble. It's really hard deciding whether or not to sign the pre-nup, isn't it?

Tissue Sleeves, the new black!

I don't know about you but I for one, am very grateful that fashion designers are taking a hint and incorporating tissues into their clothing.

Lindsay Lohan demonstrates the new look. It's wonderful, really. If you sneeze or need to blow or have to wipe a little bit of coke residue from under your nose, you have something at arms reach, literally!

Earlier this year Lindsay wore a shirt with a built in bib which was brilliant if you are a sloppy eater like myself. Even though I've been to the finest finishing schools in Switzerland, I still tend to drip and spill and the bib simplified things for me. I didn't have to carry around an extra supply of 100% cashmere pashmina blended tee shirts in the trunk of my Escalade. Now I won't have to carry a travel pack of tissues in my Coach bag, I'll just use my sleeves.

Dirty hair = sexy!

Unwashed hair is very "in." Just check out Kate Hudson and Debra Messing. Should we conclude this is a new trend or just lump it into the hobo chic-Olsen sister look? But the big question is, are they wearing shoes?

And while we're chatting, why don't you tell me why Debra is considered so gorgeous? Yes, her hair is thick and lovely but I don't get it. I'm high on colon- blow and can't think straight. Why, tell me, why does everyone think Debra is such a hottie?

Jessica Simpson and her various looks

The many faces of Jessica Simpson. The photo at the top scares me. I might have visions of that enormous smile in my head as I try to sleep tonight, that is a smile on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I should know, I'm the one who took off for "exhaustion issues" this past weekend. In the next picture, her poor dog is stuck in a basket, very Wizard of Oz! I see her BBM in the photo which means Jessica is following two trends at once, three if you count the oversize sunglasses, but is she barefoot? That is the trend du jour, everyone's doing it. Shoes? So last season.

Then the last photo, we see Jess looking like she is about to vomit at any moment. I wonder if she's upset that her purse looks like Violet Beauregard? Maybe she learned people are saying she is a lesbian? Or she's in the middle of an argument with Nick? Or she just figured out that the way her dad has been holding her all these years is illegal?

We's goin' to da movies, y'all!

I think first we need to address the fact that Kevin is wearing socks with his flip flops. I've seen this done by the little Japanese hostess at Mount Fuji restaurant but she was wearing a kimono and bringing me green tea and sake so it was okay. I doubt Kevin is going to be bringing Brit a plate of hibachi chicken so I must give his fashion statement two thumbs really far down.

Smoking in front of his pregnant wife? The high regard I once held Kevin in is slipping. Tsk tsk. I found out that he didn't even call his son on his birthday! Oh Kevin, you have a phone clipped to your pants and you couldnt have placed a call to your son? Toys R' Us would deliver for Kaleb Federline but no truck bearing Geoffrey's likeness pulled up in front of Shar Jackson's house. No call, card, email, gift, text message or note for wee Kaleb from his Cheeto eating, beer slurping, pot smoking, play- station playing daddy. Deadbeat dad, anyone? Red flag?

And who told Britney that style of shirt was flattering? It wasn't me, not even as a cruel joke! I think Justin sent her a box of tent style, loose tops that make her look like she is wearing Star Jones castoffs, pre- gastric bypass. I'm going to send along a gift certificate for my stylist services and a complimentary Dermablend application.

I'm tickled that there is finally concrete proof that Ashely Olsen eats! She consumes salad which I would have never guessed. Shocked!

I don't have a foot fetish or anything but I cannot help but notice the soles of her feet are quite dirty, as if she's been strolling around the 7-11 without her sandals on.

Now along with adopting biracial children, having a big black man with you at all times, carrying a doggie in your oversized leather bag, wearing hideously huge sunglasses, it's very cool to kick off the shoes and do it barefoot. Shoeless is the new trend! Get with the program, fashionistas!

I refuse to hoof it without a high-end designer shoe on my pedicured foot, but for those who enjoy the boho- sloppy- derelicte look, going without footwear is tres chic, just ask Britney Spears and Sienna Miller.

Me and Anna Nicole

I know Anna Nicole and I have soooo much in common, it's not even funny. What it is could be called uncanny. It's like we are one person. Check it out:

We are both blonde.

We are both writers- she for The Enquirer, me for my blogs, both of us are literary genius's.

We love to read but she likes cereal boxes, I like novels.

We like to wear pale frosty lipstick.

We are tall.

We take drugs. She gulps Trimspa while I am addicted to anti-depressants and colon blow.

We cannot go outdoors with out a posse of men following us, fame is a bitch!

We have dogs.

She has big, giant, scary boobs and I- oh, well I guess this is where the similarities come to an abrupt halt. Plus, I never posed nude (that anyone knows of) and I don't slur my speech too often. And I don't have a lesbian assistant although I'm not opposed. But we are so alike in many other ways. I'm sure you've sensed it. You probably even confused the above photo with me.

Im back from "rehab" with a new interview, more gossip later...

As soon as I heard about this novel, I knew I had to read it. The Twins of TriBeCa has all the elements of a great novel- a juicy plot, fun characters, a behind the scenes look at fame and fortune plus gossipy Hollywood details.

The only thing that could be better is if each novel came with a free pair of Manolo's. I hung out with Rachel to discuss the novel a while ago, and I promised not to divulge how crazy we got when we went shopping in Los Angeles. We fought over the perfect pair of Prada heels and an imported purse from Italy.

That Rachel can be vicious, but she has excellent taste in fashion and she promised to share.

Rachel, congratulations on the success with The Twins of Tribeca. It's getting awesome reviews and I'm dying to read it. How does it feel to have a book people are gushing about? It's a must read on everyones list.You're famous!

I'm very happy with the response from people who've read the book. A lot of readers have gone out of their way to find my site, and send me an email to tell me how much they liked it. I'm so grateful that people take the time to do that. MediaBistro just had this fantastic party for me in L.A., at Geisha House, which Ashton Kutcher owns. I told someone that I felt like the Olsen Twins, but I didn't know which one. I can't tell those monkeys apart, but it was the one that eats.

Gwenyth Paltrow, Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, George Clooney, Tom and Nicole …you personally know all the big names in Hollywood...

For more Rachel, please click here and read the rest of the interview. This novel is a must- read for celebrity hungry z-listers like myself! Wrap yourself in a silk blended faux fur throw and read more...

Friday, July 22

Distressed Jeans needs "help"

I think it's pretty obvious whats going on here. I'm trying to engage in a threesome? My shoes don't match my dress? Once again, the paparazzi's have captured me completely wasted out of my mind, plus I had a horrific hair color incident this week that rendered my golden locks more of an apricot color...yup.

It's time to check-in to the "hospital" for "exhaustion" stemming from the "heat" and my "intense work schedule" plus being to busy to "eat" and becoming "dehydrated." And then there's all the "mental health" issues I've been "experiencing." Its best that I just "get some rest."

So, I'm taking a very short "break" but will be back soon.

Courteney needs new diamonds

I feel so bad for celebs who are reduced to shopping sales! Here Courteney Cox walks out of the jewelry store, apparently empty handed unless her BBM is holding the bag standing out of camera range, probably next to the nanny who is taking care of Coco and keeping an eye on that wild card, David Arquette.

I wonder if Courteney asks for an extra 50% off since she is a celebrity. I hear most celebs get things for free which is funny because they are the ones who can afford the pricey items. Even Paris and her mother were scooping up all the freebies at Sundance. Me, I just prefer to tuck things into my pockets and hope no one notices.

Grandma had the same bucket hat during the 1940's along with white gloves and pearls. But Ashlee makes it look so hip and trendy for 2005. I want a hat that covers my whole face too. Add a gigantic pair of black sunglasses and no one will recognize me. I love going incognito!

What?

Awesome! Nicole can drink her mocha as her colon blow kicks in and she is already sitting on a toilet. That is super convenient. I think there should be more toilet seats available, don't you?

Lindsay loves the same guys as Ashlee

Still reeling from her hookup with old man Willis and Wilmeramalabana, Lindsay Lohan is now dating 31 year- old party boy Mitch Mortaza. He has a really impressive background. You know him as the mastermind behind the Lingerie Bowl, that fun game where women get dressed up in lacy bras and thongs and then tackle each other and dump Gatorade over each others bleached blonde heads?

I know what you're thinking…not quite as elegant as Girls Gone Wild, but hey- close enough, right? Lindsay and Mitch were seen together at Cabana Club, the "in" spot to be seen. Get this- Mitch was at Cabana Club a week prior getting smoochy with Ashlee Simpson. These girls should market themselves as a package deal and then they can legitimately jump into the same dating pool. They share all the players anyway.

Thursday, July 21

It be's Brit, y'all!

I'm happy to see Britney is keeping up with her tan! How l ong before she doesn't fit in the Mystic Tanning booth?

When I see her in the flowing toga shirt, I have a desire to wrap grape leaves around my head and call myself Cleopatra.

We should place bets on the size of the baby. I say Thanksgiving turkey sized, 12 lbs. feeds ten.

Random...

Julia Roberts pushes Hazel and Finn. Where's the nanny? She looks pissed. She shouldn't have to push a stroller, Julia is an A lister!

Vanessa Paradis and the kids. Looks like the girl has the same teeth as mom.

The Dog Walker, an interview with Leslie Schnur

I heard about this book a while ago and became interested in reading it. Reese Witherspoon's production company optioned The Dog Walker for a movie which is my dream- I mean, who wouldn't want their book turned into a major film with big talent attached? The premise of the book is that a dog walker falls in love with a guy whose dog she walks. She snoops, peeks and looks into his life, believing she is falling in love. The book has been described as cute, humorous, and delightful.

Leslie Schnur is a very kind and funny lady and we love to gossip and drink wine together. Recently we sat down over a lovely snack of vodka tonics and caviar to chat while Anna Wintour chased her dog and tried to hog all the doggie pate.

Personally, I would never snoop through someone’s things...okay maybe I would peek. Nina, the main character in The Dog Walker, is a snooper. If I invited you over for filet mignon with a red wine garlic reduction and truffles with a raspberry coulis for dessert, would you be tempted to take a look in my medicine cabinet?

Would there be wine with dinner? Because with a couple of glasses of wine in me, you never know. Seriously, I haven't snooped in anyone's apartment since I was a babysitter when I was 15 years old. And that was about, oh, a long time ago. But I sure would be tempted. And I would study whatever you have out--your books, shampoo, art and cd's -- and come to some ridiculous conclusions as to what they say about you.

How long did it take you to write the book? Are you the kind of writer to do an outline or just sit down and write whatever comes into your head?

It took me about 18 months from start to finish, but the first few months were spent trying hard to get the tone and characters and opening right. Once I got that stuff settled, I was able to write the rest of the book pretty quickly. I am working on my second novel now, and I'm doing the same thing, so I guess that's how I work. I work from a very vague outline, and then let my mind run rampant. So, often the outline changes along the way.

One day you get a call from Reese Witherspoon’s production office and they want to make The Dog Walker into a movie. What was your reaction and can you tell me about how a book gets optioned to be a movie? You must have been so excited. I wouldn’t be able to eat or sleep if that happened to me.

interview continued, plus a chance to win a charm bracelet and books....click here

Zahara Jolie

Angelina with baby Zahara.

The baby is just darling. Look at those eyes!

Sad Sienna

Poor Sienna. Listen, she isn't the first nor the last to have her heart smashed into a million pieces by some cad with a problems keeping his schlong in his pants. Cheer up, Charlie!

She might take solace in the fact she has darling feet and very nice legs. If you know how I can get my gams that sexy and shapely, not that they aren't already but my personal pilates trainer is in rehab, let me know.

In the meantime, we an expect a Playboy deal and a book contract for nanny Daisy.

Brad: back to normal

Thank you, thank you that Brad has recovered from his severe case of meningitis. I was lighting candles and keeping a nightly vigil over the Golden One.

Looks like he bounced back pretty darn quick. Wasn't it only one week ago that he was laying in a hospital bed hooked up to an IV wearing a hospital gown that opened in the back? Angie's back in town so he needed to speed up the recovery.

Now he's back in action wearing a foppish white linen suit and giving a speech at a luncheon. Feeling better, Brad? No more "exhaustion" from too much time spent with a certain someone?

Sternum alert

I think the reporter is saying, "Can you bend a little closer? I can't hear what youre saying? No...a little closer? More down..yeah, little bit more towards me...closer...yes, yes..."

I spy: a canyon, two softballs and something blonde.

Paris + Paris 4evr

This is the closet thing to porn I will ever post on my site and it's kind of risque, isn't it? If your eyes are tearing and your loins are quivering, let me tell you what's going on. Paris L. and Paris H. are totally making out in public not caring who sees them including me. If I has been there, I would have put an abrupt end to their dry humping. Can't they get a citation for this behavior?

Sidenote: I can't stand public displays of kissing and touching, especially the lip smacking sound of people making out. Yuck! Colon blow or a photo of Paris Hilton, I don't know which would evacuate my bowels quicker.

Have you heard about what a land fill Paris H's car is? Underpants- clean and dirty, piles of magazines, cds, books, coffee cups, fast food wrappers, cosmetics, jewelry, shoes, flip flops, photos of herself, belts and bras were just a sample of things found in her car. My friend, a valet at Dan Tanas, told me he hates to deal with her car not knowing what avalanche of garbage is going to come pouring out and he expressed concern over rodents taking up residence under the seats. Tells you money can't buy you...well, a trash receptacle I guess.

Kate and Goldie, BFF

Kate Hudson is wearing the tin foil packaging of Jiffy Pop popcorn which you can make on your stovetop, it's so convenient. And so is her dress which she can wrap leftovers in when the night is over.

Goldie- for the love of God, would you please update your look and enter the new millenium? Yes, it was a good hair cut back in the Private Benjamin era but kindly let Oribe take his clippers to your head and give you a new coif. A new color, a spiral perm, something. Honey, the brutal truth is that we can't stay twenty- two forever no matter how long your bangs are or how much botox you inject.

In between hits of ganga, wasn't it you who told me that growing old is a joy and a pleasure? Okay, you also said "free love" and "no chains of marriage" and mentioned a few things about Kurt and a flight attendent but the main theme of our conversation was about getting older.

And yes, I'm still bitter about not being invited to Kate's baby shower.

Madge goes bareback

Madge has a new hobby. She is trading in her pencils and typewriter for a riding crop and a pair of jodhpurs. The ever changing Madonna is reinventing herself yet again, this time into an equestrienne. Not to toot my own horn but I have won various equestrienne events in the past.

Mrs. Ritchie is currently taking riding lessons and rented out the entire stable so no one could peek at her atop a horse. I believe she didn’t want anyone to witness her tying a red string around the horses ankle getting kicked in the head. Who wouldn’t want to see a photo of that?

She insisted on having the place to herself, much like when I go shopping and am very adamant about no one making eye contact with me or asking for an autograph. Fame is a bitch!

Madonna also “borrowed” some horses (Fifi and Phoenix) so she could ride at her sprawling, ginormous, expensive estate. I think she is only interested riding so she can wear the cute riding hat and tall black boots not to mention the camel toe inducing pants that make you look like you have fat thighs. Madonna took up clay pigeon shooting which offers no ensemble however, she did purchase tweeds and moleskin Burberry trousers, a cashmere field coat and a matching cashmere shooting hat. Glad she was dressed for the occasion, I wouldn't have a clue what to wear...my purple D&G or my green Alexander McQueen?

She says, "I have my macrobiotic soup and then I go out and shoot some pheasants." Fear not, she doesn’t care for shooting the birds so we don’t have go PETA on her. She gave that up not too long ago and lets hope she doesn’t take up duck hunting next or mounting a deer to the front of her Range Rover with P. Diddy rims. Do rich people really have nothing better to do?

The horseback riding is toning up her inner thighs, which is just an added benefit of having something strong and big between your legs. Like a horse, obviously. Next up, Madonna will be wearing flannels, plaids and smoking a pipe and will be seen hanging with Prince Charles and Camilla. Maybe she will let her teeth go bad a la Austin Powers. We can hope, right?

Wednesday, July 20

File under Freak

This woman has a fifteen inch waist due to wearing a corset every day for something like 23 hours a day for 20 years. By this time all her organs are piled up one on top of another like a double decker sandwich. Her colon is laying on her spine and her liver is on top of her bladder which is sitting on her pancreas.

I'm shallow and vain and want to be thin and pretty but I draw the line at wearing a corset. I didn't know they still made those except the slutty kind you can by at porn shops, or so I've been told. Does this mean if I want thinner thighs I should wrap mine mummy style for the next 20 years?

Hey Jude Law

This is Jude and his nanny, Daisy. What kind of trollop wears Uggs?

OOPS I did it again

I don't really want to discuss this. It happened a long time ago, clearly before my weight loss, mental health vitamins and nicotine patch. I thought I should be the one to post the photo since it would appear in all the tabloids and I would have tons of explaining to do. What can I say? Sometimes a girl just craves something deep fried and greasy.

Caca comforts Jessica in her time of need

I know what you are thinking: how does Jessica disjoint her head like that? I don't know. I think she takes it off at night and rests it in a styrofoam case.

Perhaps Jessica could benefit from time with Jude Law's nanny since she likes speaking in baby talk and whimpering. Here she is being hugged by Cacee Cobb, her assistant, best friend and perhaps more. Daddy Simpson is already working out the details of a new reality show for his daughter based on her reported lesbian relationship. Let's pimp this out for all we can!

My friend in the biz told me that during Jessica's birthday party, she barely hung out with Nick. They were on opposite sides of the room all night except for a few photo ops, like when Nick gaver her new rims for her Range Rover. I prefer vacations, diamonds or clothes but that's just me. Some girls dig rims.

Reports indicate Nick is hanging on to Jessica until the Dukes movie opens. Others say they are working things out and are going to be adopting a baby. And then there are some who insist Jessica and Cacee are more than just good friends. Draw your own conclusions. Rims?

Duffchuck

I see nothing wrong with Hilary Duff's new larger, more false looking teeth! What's the problemo? Why do people keep teasing her?

Tongue twister: How much wood could a Duffchuck chuck if a Duffhuck could chuck wood?

Seriously, she was a really pretty girl. Did she get in an accident we don't know about and knock out her teeth, now using George Washington wooden choppers afixed with Polident? Now I understand why she doesn't eat apples or corn on the cob.

Congrats Pam and Tommy

It's true, Pammy is going to marry Tommy Lee for the third time. Which makes her name a bit redundant, Pamela Anderson Lee Lee Lee. The two got engaged in Las Vegas which is the romance capitol of the world. There is nothing like the neon, blinking lights, smoke and ka-ching of slot machines to make you feel the love.

I can't wait to go to the wedding! I'm sure it will be on the beach (Malibu) and Pam will wear a self designed slip dress. (see through, mini) Carmen and I will have to throw her a big engagement party. You know what they say, third times a charm!

Sienna dumps Jude

Sienna Miller may dress all hobo chic-derelicte, but she doesnt posses the summer must have for all fashionistas, the BBM. Instead she goes for the less popular and way less trendy, BWM. Bald White Man for those of you who don't own one yet.

Because I'm kind as well as pretty, I sent Sienna a very large box of tissues and a copy of Lemony Snicket to cheer her up. Then I realized that Jude did the voiceover work and had a small part in the film. oops. I felt so bad about that, I had to send her something else so I sent that popular book, "He Doesn't Love You, Get Over It!"

Although clearly- we could see through his blackened stone washed jeans- Jude is well hung and even the nanny agrees he is a most sensitive lover, he is still a cheater who enjoys swinging and switch hitting. He might be a cute boy with a nice British accent but I don't think he deserves me or Sienna. We both like to sleep a lot and sometimes we are strung out and barely lucid. But that's no reason to cheat.

Did Jude and Nanny Daisy playact her babysitting skills? I wonder if the nanny diapered Jude and gave him a bottle or breastfed? Was he a naughty boy? Did she do the spanking or did he? What happens when you put a grown up in time out? There are special underground clubs for this. Don't ask.

As for now, Sienna is upset and has taken off the engagement ring. If you will recall she lost the first one, a hint of things to come?- and he replaced it with another lovely diamond. Now he can take the diamond and shove it up his arse and you know what? He would probably like it.

Sternum chic!

There's nothing like a low cut dress exposing your chest and bones. Nicole reminds me of a cadaver in medical school. Back then I could name the Latin terms for all body parts and do a subcutaneous bivalve restructure or a circumferential-audiologious penal enlargement in my sleep. I was able to perform surgery as effortlessly as doing ballet, which I also excelled at.

I feel sorry for Nicole. I'm not sure if she is aware of the fact we can all view her lettuce leaf en route to her stomach via her esophagus. If you really study her, you can see a slight fracture in her collar bone, she should get that set before the wedding. I hear she will be riding an elephant and she might topple off if there is a slight breeze. What's it like weighing as much as a Barbie doll with large sunglasses and pretty shoes? I dont know, let's ask Nicole.

DJ and Destiny's Child

Although Destiny's Child is splitting up this fall, I was able to enjoy an encore performance with them and one of those tennis playing Williams sisters. You know what? I had about four vodkatinis and a colon blow when Beyonce pulled me up on stage. I didnt know where I was or what I was doing. We're lucky my clothes somehow managed to stay on, although you might notice my shirt is crooked.

Because I sing like an angel and can hold a note for three minutes, Beyonce insisted I join the girls on stage and belt out some tunes. I also made up my own dance moves and got confused, stripping and asking for tips. Note the new nose and fresh hair color.

Tuesday, July 19

Meet Zahara Jolie

Angie brings home baby Zahara! I can't wait to see her and hold her. I've already purchased tee shirts that say "Hottie" in red sequins along with a pair of mini top- stitched leather wedgies and a tube top. I'm talking about what I bought for Angelina.

For Zahara I bought a Baby Lulu dress and a variety of hot pants and crystal studded diapers along with a Mercedes Benz wagon and a pony.

I call myself Auntie Distressed. Cute, no?

ha ha hee hee ha ha hee hee they're coming to take me away ha ha

reader submitted photo, thanks Nicole!

BBM

"Daddy I want a Big black man too!" - Veruca Salt, Willy Wonka

Or maybe she said "I want an oompah loompa"...at any rate, every girl from the Olsen twins to Jessica Simpson to Aaron Carter to Hilary Duff has a Big Black Man to hang out with. They carry luggage, purses, offer protection and will hold your Starbucks lattes. Like I said before, it's tres chic, easier than a mini dog wearing a sun bonnet and mules, more portable than an entire posse, way less work than adopting a biracial child. They can dial your cellphone, drive your Escalade and order your Taco Bell. The possibilites are endlesss!

Is this a job only a black man can do or would a big white man or perhaps a big Mexican guy be okay? I just want to be sure so I can be super hip and cool too. When you follow a trend, you must get the details right.

PS. Note to Hilary: hem your pants, hon!

Becks and Posh and Me

I know tongues are going to start wagging and this picture will probably show up in Star or InTouch, but Beck's was giving me a ride around the field for fun. I just happened to be wearing a black Prada dress and a silk thong and my shoes fell off. It was all very innocent, really!

Meanwhile his wife was out and about wearing the valance I used to have in my bathroom. Who knew it would make such a darling skirt?

Bleached, pale and in need of Whitestrips

It's really chic right now to be bleached out and pale. I don't know why I insist on mystic tanning every Tuesday and Thursday with hair color appointments every seventeeth day. I should really let myself go a bit.

I came across this photo of Christina Applegate. Her boobs must be hanging pretty low. Personally, I like to wear a strapless bra because I like feeling secure and lifted. Perhaps Christina enjoys swinging free.

I'd like to see her with a pink gloss and thicker eyebrows. It's such a shame I gave up my career as a stylist.

Owen gets serious

The Palomino Penis is tired of sleeping around and getting drunk with girls whose names he doesn’t remember in the morning. He likes being wild and free- hey, who doesn’t? Jude Law would agree here- but Owen wants to settle down. He wants a family, he wants romance and candles and being spanked with a riding crop, oops maybe that’s just my idea of romance.

Owen is looking for a bride, so go ahead and hop on over to Los Angeles in hopes of meeting the Butterscotch pony. He wants to watch chick-flicks and drink wine while listening to Yanni on the stereo. He’s up for anything. And will lie about enjoying it too. Owen says, “My best dating tip - pretend to be a good listener.” Operative word here is “pretend.” There's nothing that we sexy ladies like more than a faker.

Caught on camera!

Everyone is always asking about my private life and unfortunately, I was caught leaving the Ivy as shown in the above photo. Note the sequined bag I'm carrying as well as the takeout bag. I couldn't finish my half salad for fear people would say I had an eating disorder. No one in Hollywood eats a full meal, that's so 1994!

What I do is this: eat before I go to lunch so I'm not hungry. Then I push the lettuce leaves around my plate and stuck out my lower lip and whimper, " I couldn't eat another bite!" Meanwhile I know as soon as I get home, I will be slicing up a loaf of french bread, smothering it with Nutella and washing it down with a vodkatini.

Winner of The Bitch Posse

DAISY MAE just won a copy of The Bitch Posse.

Stay tuned for more interviews and of course, more books and a chance to win yet another excellent novel!

Reading is fun! Books are hot! Just look at Paris reading a book about..well, herself.

Monday, July 18

Jude Cheats but not with me

Jude just admitted that he cheated on fiancee Sienna Miller with the nanny of his children. Despite what the above photo indicates, Jude and I never slept together. We just fooled around.
You're probably thinking that *I* am the one he slept with. But I'm not a nanny and never will be. The closest I came to being a nanny was letting my boyfriend dress in a bib and a big pacifier and spanking him.

I cannot believe Jude would cheat on gorgeous Sienna! Maybe he's more like his Alfie character than we thought. Oh Jude! I've always harbored a crush on him. But now I have to rethink my feelings. Jude, how could you?

Brit goes to Fantastic Sams

Britney went and got herself a haircut y'all! She knows that once lil' Wanda Jo and Jimmy Earl come, she won't have time to mess with her hair. I think it's cute. With the time she saves on fixing her hair, presuming she washes and styles it on a daily basis which is probably pretty far off the mark, she can wait on Kevvie.

She can bring him his beers, cigarettes, dirty manpris, puffy shoes, white socks and flip flops, deep fried Twinkies, snuff, corn nuts, jerky, Fritos-cheetos-doritos- funyons, all without having to worry about how her hair looks or concerning herself over her extensions falling out over a bowl of Velveeta and chili from a can.

I believe it was Shar who gave Brit the idea of cutting her hair in the first place.

Tom and Katie play dress up!

Ben reads!

Ben and Jen drinking Starbucks, just chilling out reading. Ben was upset to find out the book he bought wasn't really "Horny Peter" but Harry Potter.

Jen's all upset because Ben hasn't shaved for the day plus he borrowed K. Federlines wifebeater and it reeks of Curious by Britney. He also hasn't washed his hair in a while which explains why he is picking nits from his scalp. Ben, get your feet off the table, people eat on there!

Cindy Crawford

CAPTION ME

Inside Ryan's head

Ryan Seacrest to himself..."she would be so much cuter if she darkened her hair. I wonder if she would let me touch it? I have some hair dye and rubber gloves at home...I could also trim her brows and lighten them up a bit....

I could work wonders! Should I say something? Will she think I'm strange if I offer my home salon services and use of my private tanning bed? We could share some leg wax...do a facial...would she think I was hitting on her if I offered a two for one pedicure at the salon on Sunset?

Its hard to keep this bottled up inside...I really want to say something...like the time I told Paula she looked like a clown and Simon got mad for saying his shirts showed off his nipples...Can't keep quiet..."

Where's Xenu?

With the Tom Cruise freakology going on with L. Ron Hubbard and such, I created a fun little game called Where's Xenu? It's easy! It's fun! Our charming alien Xenu preys on stars, attaching a chip into their brains and then controlling them from planet Beldar! Beware, you may be next.

Sandy gets married and I get left out

I'm going to try really hard not to be bitter but I wasn’t invited to Sandra Bullock's wedding this weekend. I shouldn’t take it so hard because I only met her twice in my life, it's not like we were best friends but I am a major player on the Hollywood scene.

She married Monster Garage star Jesse James. I don't know much about a monster or a garage, I'm more familiar with a Jimmy and a Choo but whatever. I'm pretty sure that’s not his real name. It's probably Edgar Koslovski or something. We in the biz take creative license when it comes to choosing a name though so I'll let it go.

They were married at ranch near Santa Barbara where my good friend Oprah owns a home. Sandra wore a white lace gown and naturally Neil Lane provided her ring however, she made Jesse’s wedding band all by herself. One of the things I taught her was how to do metal work and welding. You're welcome Sandy!

After the ceremony, guests got to do a little square-dancing to bluegrass music. If you know me at all, you know that I prefer hardcore rap. I'm sure I'll be invited to their home once they get settled in, after the honeymoon. I'll give them a wedding gift of a six piece smelting set and a banjo.

Don't cry for him, Brandon Davis!

Poor Brandon Davis! His pudgy heart must be so broken now that Mischa Barton dumped him and immediately hooked up with another rich boy toy. He looks so sad, doesn't he? His mutton chops aren't as puffy, his skin isn't as shiny as usual.

Perhaps if he went home and started counting his bajillion dollars he would cheer up. Looks like he was inflicting pain on himself because the heartbreak was too much to bear and the sunscreen was too far to reach. Poor guy needs a aloe vera bath and a night with Tara Reid. But sometimes cheap sex leaves you feeling even more empty than a shopping spree at Kitson with daddy's black Amex card and only one studded belt to show for it. What Brandon really needs is a night with Colin Farrell! I hear he will cheer any one up- man, woman, sheep.

Bai Ling

Last time Bai and I went out, she actually covered herself up a bit and I was relieved. However, her modestly expired like a carton of yogurt and now she is back to showing off her cleavage and whatever else.

I would warn her not to bend over and expose her beef curtains but we aren't talking. She was upset how I upstaged her when we went to the Spider Club last week. Well, I just cant help it if I'm totally hot and sexy and men flock to me like wild stallions at a feeding trough.

This is how she gets me back, by dressing like a cheap whore with red streaks in her hair carrying a LeSportsac. Well two can play that game, Bai. My new name is Distressed Ling and I'm not wearing underpants either.

Ziggy Stardust

Go ahead and google "Ziggy Stardust" and you will appreciate the resemblance between Ziggy and what girls have called a "teen heart-throb" Aaron Carter. Personally I think he might come out of the closet a few years down the road if you catch my drift, wink wink.

I prefer my heart- throbs bigger and brawnier and preferably not previously shown smoking a fatty surrounded by a haze of smoke, but that's just me. The photo was in the Star, the Enquirer, all the top notch literary mags.

This is the prepubescent skinny dude that Lindsay and Hilary had a falling out over. Once you stop laughing and regain your composure, yes really. The cat fight over Aaron was so violent and frought with such venom that the girls refuse to speak to one another to this day, it's true. And recently Aaron, little playboy that he is, was quoted as saying "Lindsay was a better kisser. Hilary slobbers."

That is such a valuable piece of information I just don't know quite what to do with it. Tuck it away for an answer on the Trivial Pursuit, Teen edition, I suppose.

Saturday, July 16

Nicole eats cookies

I'm headed out for shopping on Robertson Blvd, and should I run into Nicole and Lindsay, I will recommend they each indulge in their own tin of these delicious cookies -
http://www.platinecookies.com/Default.aspx

The chef comes from the exclusive restaurant French Laundry, in Northern California where Oprah enjoys fine meals and where reservations are taken up to six months in advance. Jamie the chef, cooks for various celebrities around Los Angeles and when she isn't working with imported truffles and white wine reductions, she is baking homemade cookies and shipping them to elite clients around the world.

For a slice of cookie heaven, I suggest you check out the site and order some mouth watering cookies. I like to wash mine down with a swig of vodka. Calories be damned!

The Bitch Posse

The Bitch Posse isn't a feel good, laugh a minute novel, full of rainbows and unicorns. It is a tough, gritty, haunting, powerful, touching book of friendship and emotion. I read it late into the night and then woke up early to finish it. After I closed the book the only word I could use to describe it was: "Wow!"

Martha, do you have your own Bitch Posse and do you think I could belong ?

Hon, if you have to ask...Seriously, of course you can be a member! But I'm just warning you, my Bitch Posse these days mainly shoots the shit on things like milk cartons that need to be painted certain colors for school artprojects, end-of-the-year teacher gifts, whether God has a grandpa, and why Pluto and Goofy are both dogs but Goofy can talk and Pluto can't. (Yeah, what the fuck's with that? And while we're at it, why doesn't Goofy ever BARK?) Anyway, I guess we've all grown up. In some ways. You know those cute little kids' shirts that say things like "Anarchy in the Pre-K" and "Rock 'N Roll Grade School"? That about sums it up.

The opening scene in the book…were you nervous writing it and wondering how well it would be received?

The opening scene is a sex scene, and convention has it that you don't open with a sex scene. BUT... when I wrote this book, I believed it would never be published. (See below.) So I turned off ALL the censors and didn't care one bit what anyone might think. When it began to look like the novel MIGHT be published (my agent told me she was planning to send it out for auction), I got a little nervous, but figured that scene would be like a litmus test for the novel. If you couldn't make it through THAT scene you probably wouldn't care for The Bitch Posse at all. In that case, you'd need to close the book, back away from it slowly, do not pass Go, do not collect $200. The reactions to the scene have been really interesting. Some people have told me they think it's either a) the saddest scene in the book or b) the funniest scene in the book or c) both. And some people have been absolutely outraged by the scene. Ah, well. It is what it is and if people don't like it, they can skip it. Or burn it. Whatever.

For more on Martha plus your chance to win a copy of The Bitch Posse, click here.

Friday, July 15

Jessica is a lesbo

I'm going to give you the lowdown on a few things that happen in Celebrityland. It goes no further than here, okay peeps? I've explained what it means to suffer from "exhaustion" ie drug abuse/sex addiction/anorexia. I told you that when people split up and say they are going to "remain friends" it means they will occasionally hook up for some booty smacking.

Now I'm going to tell you a big fat Hollywood secret. All right, quiet down and listen up. You see, in this place we call Los Angeles, it's very common to be bi-sexual. That's just how it goes.
John Travolta, Brad Pitt, Orlando Bloom, Jodie Foster, Pamela Anderson, Kevin Spacey, Matt Damon, Carmen Electra to name a few are bi -bi -bi- bi- bi and thats just a poo-poo platter of celebs that play for both teams, there are many more. You might want to add Jessica Simpson's name to the list. Pencil her in for now.

Rumor has it that her and her ever faithful hanger on, Cacee (or Caca) are more than just best friends who braid each others hair, squirt each other with self- tanner and have pillow fights after Nick goes to bed. The two are getting it ON like some bad girl on girl porn. Or maybe just whispering about unicorns, puppies and rainbows when the lights are turned off.

In a conflicting report, Jessica will announce her split from steriod loving Nick, also rumored to be bi, after the Dukes of Crappard hits theaters. She will then go public with Johnny "flaming poop" Knoxville who is divorcing his wife.

To confuse matters more, Jessica is talking about adopting a baby. I think it was a comment which was taken out of context because Jessica is not capable of brushing her own hair let alone diapering a baby. Plus, Louis Vuitton doesn't make infant carriers. Draw your own conclusions about tanorexic Jessica. Bi, straight, adopting a baby, sex with Johnny Knoxville, having a fling with her friend, abusing self tanning lotion- take your pick.

Matt LeBlanc is gross

Sometimes when I take Anna Wintour for a walk along the flower lined streets of Beverly Hills, I get the urge to hit the rose bushes, if you know what I mean. All that pure Swiss spring water I drink tends to go right through me. But I know the paparazzi would have a field day snapping my photo as I empty my bladder on the side of the road, plus Z-listers like myself should maintain a sense of decorum at all times, you know?

Obviously Matt LeBlanc could care less as he just unzips and let's go without a care in the world. Even his little dog looks away as if to say, "I don't know this guy! Please! Yo quero Taco Bell!"
Matt, you disgust me. Matthew Perry would never do that!

Breaking news...not

As I reported a few weeks ago- or was it only days- I don't know, the vodka swilling might be hindering my memory, Kim Stewart will not be joining Paris on The Simple Life.

Nicole Richie, if she doesn't end up in "the hospital" for "exhaustion" will join Paris once again but with a slight twist: the girls will be filmed separately as they plan their upcoming weddings.

The producers will have a split screen if the two are to be shown together. I have a feeling they might orchestrate some mud wrestling and girl-on-girl fight sequences between the dueling divas. That's hot!

Tara is confused...

Tara Reid isn't the most colorful crayon in the box as we know. Although she keeps telling me she is really, really smart. We both grew up in the same town in New Jersey and I've seen her at Paramus Park mall and Garden State Plaza. I have bumped into her several times and I assure you, she is no MENSA member.

With that in mind, she told me she was excited to go see the Running of the Balls in Spain. She expected lots of nude men parading up and down the streets. I did not have the heart to tell her it was the Running of the BULLS, not balls. I did inform her that the men would be chased by a big bull with horns. "Horny men?" she asked, "With big balls? I love that kind of stuff!"

From the Risky Business archives...

I came across this while looking through some archives. Like a ghost, Xenu often does not appear in photos. With a special chemical treatment however, I was able to coax the image out and post for your viewing pleasure.

This proves that Tom has been riding the alien train for a long, long time.

Got a voice message on my cell phone from someone who calls himself "The Vanilla Hamster"...I wonder who it could be?

I should have been invited to the premiere of Owen's new movie, The Wedding Crashers, but oh well. Sometimes people just assume that I'm too busy or have a date and they don't send me an invite. I had a darling dress picked out but that's fine. I have a stack of books to read and a box of ex-lax to plow through. I'll be fine. Don't worry.

The Pammy Collection

You know how I love Pammy. We used to be really good friends and we would take long walks on the beach and discuss world politics and medical technology but that was before she got mixed up with Stephen Dorff. Then she stopped returning my calls and next thing I know, she is back with Tommy Lee.

Now I hear she is getting ready to introduce her new line of bags and belts creatively named The Pamela Anderson Collection. It must have been quite a challenge to come up with a standout name like that. Thank goodness the bags don’t use leather or fur because you know how I feel about cruelty to animals. It’s much more chic to use pleather and plastics anyway.

There will be three styles in the collection which will encompass the many styles of Pam: beach babe, rock star and mother. Don’t get too excited and try to preorder, this will only be available in England next fall. Sorry! Such a let down, I know. You can always fly to London for a shopping spree and bring a few bags and belts home to your friends, like me.

I emailed Pam to ask: "Why three different styles? Why not just one sequin and rhinestone studded bag with an optional riding crop and dog collar?" And she said, “Thanks to my collection of accessories, wherever I am or whatever I am doing, I will always look great."

Sure Pam! Whatever you say.

Disney loves La Lohan

The people over at Disney love Lindsay Lohan. She starred in remakes of such Disney classics as The Parent Trap, Freaky Friday and Herbie. Now the bigwigs over at Disney want more of la Lohan! Her squeaky clean image and healthy lifestyle represent what Disney is all about: good clean fun!

Lindsay is in talks with the honchos to star in yet another Disney film, The Swiss Family Robinson. A dream cast would be Melanie Griffith as the mother, Russell Crowe as the dad, Billy Bob Thorton as the crazy uncle and Nicole Richie as the sister! What could be better? An all expenses paid trip to Promises for detox after the film wraps!

Drunken floozy in the hizouse!

Look, who am I to judge? I've been half naked a few times in my life while dancing and tossing back vodkatinis on a bar top. I've given lap dances for free and posed for naked pictures. But Anna Nicole Smith gives us hard- core party girls a bad name. She is literally doing a self- breast exam in public and that's just wrong.

I am extremely supportive of a women's right to bear breasts but Anna loses the dignity of a seductive flash. Is she expressing breast milk? I don't know. She appears to be in pain. And the girl behind her should not be wearing a half shirt.

At first glance it appears that she has wet her pants and incontenince is never sexy. But she has actually doused herself with a pitcher of water and is enjoying an impromptu sponge bath minus the sponge and soap. I bet the floor is really slippery and I'm sure at some point in the evening she probably fell flat on her face. Thank goodness she has portable air bags to break her fall.

Don't hate us because we're beautiful!

Although I'm mouth wateringly gorgeous in real life, sometimes photos can make me look like I'm drunk or on a carb bender or sporting a pale ale bloat. Thankfully, the other night I was in great form and very photogenic in my strapless Betsey Johnson and Italian imported leather lace- up granny boots. Although my roots need a touch up, my hair was really full and fluffy thanks to the stylist who makes house calls. Shout out to Fifi!

Don't be jealous that Bai Ling and I were out on the town together, really it's not that big of a deal. I went over to her house and chose her shirt and then she ruined the deal with a bright yellow Chiquita banana hat and terrible jigsaw puzzle cowboy boots.

I was like, "Bai, rethink the bottom portion of your outfit and remove the offensive hat." She said, "Oh you so silly Dislessedjean!" and then we did tequila shooters and headed out for the limo which was waiting by the curb.

Thursday, July 14

Jessica Simpson had a birthday party and if you are wondering, no I was not invited. See, we had a falling out recently and well, we are no longer in contact. I'm not exchanging emails with Ashlee either after I...well, you know. Me and Wilmer? It was one night and I was drunk.

You know if Ashlee and I were talking, I would have surely gotten her to wear a different outfit rather than her Grey Poupon blouse. Anyhoo, I was wondering if Shar -Miss Jackson if you're nasty- came with Mr. Tarantino? And how does Jessica know him? Note her father hasnt used those botox coupons yet.

Just wait until my birthday next year when I turn...twenty three. Yeah. It's going to blow this soireee away.

I don't think those abs are spray painted on, a la Mariah Carey. With that being said, I take it she hasn't eaten carbs in the past forty eight hours and most likely has indulged in a few colon cleanse cocktails.

One gust of wind and we get the money shot. Look, I shouldnt be talking. I wore the same thing the other day when I went shopping on Robertson. I caught a glimpse of Gary Busey having a latte at Starbucks and ran into Kim Stewart at Kitson but who am I to name drop? ( I bought Lip Venom in Lantana, I highly suggest this shiny gloss for all my sexy readers!)

So, yeah..I wore my stilettos and micro mini (minus underpants because it was so HOT outside!) plus I couldnt decide between knee high tube socks or leg warmers so like Fergie, I wore both!

I borrowed a teeny little jacket from Nicole Richie and I went without a top, prefering instead a lacy bra with gel inserts to give the girls a lift. That's where Fergie and I are different. Other than that, its like we're twins!

Sometimes even us gorgeous glamour queens have a bad photo taken although I think the red zits really bring out Cam's blue eyes! Double, even triple chins and shiny skin can be downright sexy!

Yep. Still bitter that Justin chose Cam over me. She ripped him right out from underneath me, in a matter of words. It's hard to maintain my composure when I see her so I'll just post photos and keep sending ProActiv coupons her way.

Congrats to Catherine who won A Little Change of Face, and to Katherine who won The Washingtonienne! More free books and interviews coming up soon!

Heed my warning: Don’t see Jessica Simpson in the Dukes of Hazzard movie. Save your $9 and go buy yourself some MAC lipglass or get a venti latte and a scone, seriously. And I'm not just saying that out of concern for your retinas being burned by the bright orange glow of Jessica’s tan skin on an enormous movie screen.

One of the original Dukes stars, Ben Jones, is begging people not to see the movie because it's an insult to the original. You might recall, Ben played the mechanic named COOTER which I think is a great redneck-white trash name and would just sound splendid with Federline. Cooter Federline, it doesn’t get better than that.

So Cooter says the revamped Dukes movie is disgusting, a “sleazy” remake with sex and swear words making a mockery out of the family friendly television series. You can read the plea in his own words on Cootersplace.com which oddly, was the name I chose for my website but obviously, it was taken. Rest assured Cooter, I won't be seeing the movie. In fact, I won't even rent the dvd no matter how cool it is when the guys slide into the car through the windows. I try it with my Escalade but is kind of difficult when I need a ladder to reach the windows and someone, usually my teen age neighbor, has to push me through the window and most of the time, I get stuck and we have to call the fire department and it's just easier that I used the door. Or the sunroof.

The perfect gift for your friends and family members, the CHAOTIC dvd, will be available soon! Britney and Kevin, in an effort to fund their junk food habit, will be releasing the show for your viewing pleasure. Just in case you missed the up- the- nostril shots of Brit and Kev. Personally, I want to see Brit make her pig nose and talk about sex again!

To sweeten the deal, thirty minutes of unseen footage will be included with the dvd! Can you stand it? Are you preordering as soon as you stop reading this blog? Do you think Cameron Diaz will give Justin a copy of it? I bet she will. She’s good that way.

I hope, fingers crossed, I hope, I hope, that Kevin will give tips on the proper way to wear a do rag. I love it when he sports his Mrs. Butterworth headgear but just cannot pull off the look myself. Maybe it clashes with my Calvin Klein suits and Ferragamo pumps? And perhaps if we are super lucky, he might even have greasy hair tips and how to sprout a patchy beard. Fingers crossed!

Tom Cruise is grooming Dakota Fanning for a future relationship when his contract with Katie is up in eight years. Oh excuse me, that’s KATE to you! Dakota will be nineteen and legal, just in time to sign on the dotted line.

Tom has given little Dakota a cell phone. Make that “cell phone” which I firmly believe is a telecommunication/ mind control/ brainwashing device that is electrically transmitting Dianetic babble into her ears each time she dials out. Is it too late? Can we save Dakota?

Dakota's parents would not allow her to get a cell phone so Uncle Tommy bought her one, way to undermine the parental units, Tom! He knows how to parent, he’s been studying parentology for years. You. Don’t. Understand. He is amazing and magnificent!

Recently Tom was vacationing in the Dutch Antilles with his fembot when he spent $8,000 to fly a chef over from Italy to prepare his birthday dinner. Call me a crazy bitch with irrational ideas but that eight grand could have fed like, a ton of starving kids in Africa. Or done something really good besides having a guy grate some cheese and sprinkle basil over his pasta.

Liv Tyler holds her baby, Milo and I think that's her dad, Steven although it looks like a woman with feathered hair and long sideburns. What, no nanny? What kind of movie star is she? Someone should be carrying that child or pushing him in the stoller!

Did you know Jennifer Aniston expressed interest in having sex with Steven? Yes it's true. He's bit skinny for my taste, but you know what they say about guys with big lips. Or is it big feet?

Wednesday, July 13

She's been called Jennifer Love Hugetits, but she's Jen Love to me! And she loves to read, just check out how thrilled she is to be reading an issue of US Magazine in the parking lot! She can't even wait to get into her car and read the tabloids under the dashboard with a jigger of rum like some people I know.

Anyway, next time Love and I chat, as we quite often do, I'm going to tell her about a book I'm reading. I just did an author interview, so click over here to read it and win a book. (just email me to win it!) Lauren, the author has really fantastic boobs and we talk about them in the interview. Is anything off limits to me? Well, no!

And Jennifer hon, you should totally cut your black hair over your ears really high and tight, there is nothing prettier than a young girl with a mullet, see Ashlee Simpson last year.

It's over!

Sad when a Hollywood couple breaks up, isn't it? Dry your tears, its going to be all right. Mischa Barton and her Elvis lookalike boyfriend have called it quits and this time it's for real.

It wasn't too long ago my friend was having lunch at the Polo Club and saw Brandon's Davis's very large and loud brother, Jason wearing drawstring pants, sweating profusely and loudly talking about a "crazy bitch." Was he talking about Mischa?

Mish and Brandon will remain "close friends" and again, I must school you in celebrityspeak. When you remain "close friends" it means you will occasionally hook up and trade drugs. I'm really glad I can be here for you and explain these things. Now go dry your tears and be thankful that The OC is filming for next fall.

Teeny tiny Mary Kate has a very tall boyfriend. She finds this perfect for raiding his closet looking for oversized shirts and old boxers- a new wardrobe!

Itty bitty MK's boyfriend is named blahblah Stravos. If you use your imagination and look quickly, his name almost looks like the word Starve! Coincidence? I think not.

If she suddenly checks into the "hospital" for "exhaustion" I fear that she may have had sex with her enormous boytoy and he split her right in half. Stay tuned.

By now you have received the sad news that Brad Pitt was checked into the hospital for "flu related symptoms." I think I've schooled my people enough that you all read this as "drug related." Remember, "flu" and "exhaustion" can be interchanged with "drugged out" in Hollywood.

We have Jennifer Aniston passing out on the set of her movie from "heat stroke" or "malnourishment" or "exhaustion" and now Brad laying in a hospital bed somewhere in Africa getting fluids through an IV because he is reportedly suffering from the "flu."

I was just outside in 110* heat filming a commercial for American Express, moving props and building the set while taking care of ten children and plowing a field, all while naked, and I seem to be fine. No "exhaustion" for me. I just got over walking pneumonia and a case of shingles along with a nasty bout of gangrene and today I feel perfectly healthy. What's wrong with these actors?

Tuesday, July 12

Caption me!

Apparently a guy forged Cameron's signature on a model release form involving kinky topless pictures and Cam is pissed! Now is her chance to even the score with those paparazzi's that follow her around, hoping to get a photo of her acne riddled skin.

John Rutter is charged with "attempted grand theft, forgery and perjury stemming from his 2003 bid to sell the racy photos and video he shot in 1992."

Naturally Cameron is only too happy to be a witness and punish his ass. I saw the video. Topless Cam is squirting her nipples with something cold and prancing around. I'm sure if you look hard enough on the internet, you can find it. I won't post the link because, you know, Cam is really only too happy to sue me, and I simply don't have the time to whittle away the whole day battling a movie star when I could be getting a colonic and a massage.

It wasn't too long ago that Paris wore that shirt under a shiny green suit. He must really like it because he is wearing his Gay Pride blouse again! Maybe I'm delusional or smoking too much of the funny stuff, but I thought gazillionaires didn't repeat clothing. Wear once, toss out. It's nice to see he is thrifty although exhibits poor taste in clothing and ...other things.

I think he should pair the violently colored blouse with his fanny pack and jean shorts next time. That would be hot!

Tommy Lee sang the praises of Pam's darling feet in his book, Tommyland. In fact, her little piggies were the first thing to draw him to her. Not her large oversized titties! No, her feet.

I closely examined her toes and found bunions. Personally, I don't find that very attractive. But that's just me. I guess Tommy has a thing for corns, bunions and hammertoes. To each his own, right?

I've been so stressed out lately. It takes a handful of Xanax, a few Tylenol PM and some cough medicine with codeine for me to sleep at night. Yeah, but dont tell Tom.

Really, whats troubling me is not what to get Parisx2 a wedding gift, but what to get for Jen and Ben and baby Barfleck? I just don't know! I tried to find a beer cozy for a baby bottle but they just dont make them.

Then a very sexy reader sent me the baby list from amazon. Thank you Stephanie! Now all I have to do is cough up $300 for Jen's desired breast pump and know the baby is getting good nutrition thanks to moi. I just hope she doesn't whip out her boob in front of me because I get super uncomfortable. Where to look? It's not like at the grotto at the Playboy mansion where tits are on display and you're supposed to look, point and stare.

Anyway, if you are so inclined, go take a look at what the newlyweds need. And for those of you wondering, yes - the pregnancy is going to be written into Alias. An ass kicking mama to be. Reminds me of Shar Jackson!

Madge is a fraud

You might be imagining Madonna sitting in a library bent over a typewriter wearing a tweed coat with leather elbow patches while she pushes her glasses up her nose, like a modern day Sylvia Plath. There she is, banging on the keys, creating children's stories while she sips her lukewarm Earl Grey as a fire roars in the fireplace.

But you would be so wrong.

That image would be completely erroneous, for it is only I who grinds away at an old Smith Corona, typing with a single finger, slaving away for your amusement. Maddona it seems, is only lending her name to the stories that bear her moniker as the author.S he has no trouble taking the credit for "Lotsa de Casha" and the other books, but she is misreprenting her talents as a children book author.

All books are written by the Kabbalah’s official ghostwriter, a man by the name of Eitan Yardeni. Shame on you Madge for fooling us! Next were going to find out that she really can't act or sing. I feel violated and dirty! What's next, learning this column is really written by Britney Spears?

Tom Cruise- doing it missionary style! Katie isn't the only one to be taken in by Tom's charm, wit and deep knowledge of mental disorders and drug addiction therapy.

Seems like Keri Russell, cute doll faced Keri, is being swept up in a fart cloud of Scientology and is being taken over by Tom's sharp and scary grasp. As you may or may not know, Keri has been hired to play the female lead in "Mission Impossible 3, Nocturnal Emission."

Shortly after being taken up in Xenu's spacecraft- I mean- shortly after a meeting with Tom and his wacky thetans, Keri was spotting picking out books on Scientology and asking for more. Her arms were loaded down with pamphles and texts. Please, say it ain't so! Another one bites the dust?

When asked about his spooky antics, red glowing eyes and unmedically based beliefs, Tom replied, "I just want to spread the word." Next up: Tom going door to door with a briefcase and brochures on a Sunday afternoon.

Monday, July 11

Exclusive! Interview with Jessica Cutler

She has a novel which hit the bookstores in May and is the writer of an explosive blog revealing some very personal information about her exploits as a mailroom clerk in Washington DC. Jessica Cutler has been described as “vain”, “trashy” and a “strumpet” with dirty secrets, but she is proving there is more to her than being a blogger with a fascinating sex life.

The smart, hip chick scored a major deal with a big advance and is busy working on a new book. The Washingtonienne is getting fabulous reviews and I’m excited to be her new best friend and confidant. I could spill lots of secrets but I won't because girls like me know how to keep things on the down low. But I can reveal our discussion which took place last week over vodka and tequila shooters. Go over to my ‘famous writers website’ to see the complete interview plus a photo of the two of us partying together.

Jessica, out of everything I have read about you, my favorite is this: "That is, I could not care less about government or politics, but working or a Senator looks good on my resume. And these marble hallways are such great places for meeting boys and showing off my outfits!"

With that being said, what are you wearing? And I don’t mean that in a creepy, I- hope- you- are- naked- wearing- stilettos way. I mean it in an are- you- wearing a Hollister- tee- shirt- and flip flops- with- darling accessories- or a Stella McCartney slip-dress with pigtails and nipple clips?

I’m wearing some very old cropped Chloe jeans, silver Jack Rogers sandals, and a grey Syracuse basketball t-shirt. Clothes to walk the dog in. I'm going to change before dinner tonight. I'll probably wear a blue sundress I bought on Prince Street yesterday.

I love the color blue, shopping for clothes, coffee and leather furniture. What do you like?

I like the color green, Lil’ Kim’s first CD, free stuff, and making out with someone for the first time.

I think being a beard for a gay actor is a great gig. I mean you get lots of money, get to travel, wear great clothes, meet celebrities and get all the colonics a girl could wish for. What could be better?

Being a beard for a gay fashion designer.

Click here to continue the interview...and win a signed copy of what Amazon calls one of the best beach reads this summer!

Sooooo the scoop is that Ashley Olsen is dating Jared Leto. Jared dated Cameron "middle finger" Diaz once a long while ago. I think he also had a few dates with Scarlett "deep voice" Johansson who has moved on to Josh Hartnett.

According to a tip I received this afternoon, Ashley is pregnant with Jared's baby. That would be all right since she can just borrow her sister's oversized shirts, pants, jackets and vests and be set with maternity clothes. It's a new trend, we can call it Boho-homeless-derelict materity wear and somehow work unwashed hair into the deal.

This means Ash can't go off partying and doing blow off the bathroom counter tops with Paris and that Lohan girl. Could cramp her style.

When Jared and Ash went bowling recently, (can she beat my 160 average? I think not) he called himself "Daddy." Well, it's very chic to be pregnant in Hollywood. Everyone's doing it. If you want to fit in, you better impregnate yourself. And if it's a girl, you must name her Lola. Lola Leto. tee hee.

Mama likes the greasy boys! If you can't see, Britney's shirt says something like, "I've got the Golden Ticket here" with an arrow pointing to her fetal package. How appropriate given that the two are at the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory premiere. Once again, I wonder why I wasn't invited.

"I've got an Oompa Loompa here" is printed on Tom Cruise's underpants. No kidding. The marketing possibilities the movie is introducing are endless.

And Kevins shirt, under the fine plumage of his sports coat, says, "I've got the Golden Schlong here" with an even bigger arrow pointing to his oily manhood.

I see Kevin is letting his hair grow up so he can feather the sides and keep it long in the back. Good, I love 1985 rock star hair. He needs to tease and spray though for volume and lift. See Bon Jovi videos for reference.

Yes, I do see the look on Britney's face. She's all, "Shit, I don't know, his jacket is pretty hideous, y'all. Ain't it?" Yep.

Sunday, July 10

Paging Patricia Field, paging Patricia STAT. We have an emergency. Kristin Davis is here. You are needed. Repeat, Patricia Field, fashionista costume designer for Sex & the City, you are needed promptly.

Kristin Davis is violating Fashionista Code #1938 and Code #2089. High waisted pants, I repeat HIGH WAISTED PANTS.
And the ultimate crime, TAPERED LEG JEANS.

Please bring low waisted Lucky jeans in the Peanut style with flared bottoms ASAP.

What Tara is thinking:

"This reminds me of the time I was sitting on Tommy Lee..."

We represent the Lollipop Guild, welcoming you to Munchkin Land!

Simon Cowell called. He wants his Extra Small Petite nipple showing tee shirt back.

Tom, Gap Kids no longer sells leather jackets. You might want to try Children's Place or Gymboree for you next shopping spree.

Katie, do you really carry around an anal emeter probe in your big bag and does it set off alarms in the airport?

When you get a chip in your brain that is controlled by the "center" can you still control your bowels or do they regulate that too?

Where's Jessica? How can Katie talk with her prompting?

Tom, have you ever considered elevator shoes?

Katie, is $8 million really enough? Is that a fair price in exchange for your soul?

The charity can at my local deli has this picture next to it with a coin slit at the top for your spare change.

"Please feed your celebrity. If left unfed, without your support, your star could die of malnutrition.

Thousands of stars check into rehab every year for problems that could be solved if you take a stand to end Unnecessary Drug Use, Starvation & Abuse of Ex-Lax.

Nicole and others like her need your help. Please donate your pennies, nickels and dimes to end this terrible plight. Make Sleketal Starving Celebrities a thing of the past. For only 65 cents a day, you can buy a hamburger, ice cream cone or Happy Meal for the celeb of your choice. Together, we can make it happen."

I know what you're thinking. You didn't recognize Cameron Diaz without her big fat middle finger up in your face, did you?

Her splotchy zits are covered nicely by a deep dark St. Tropz tan but her breasts could use a lift as one is pointing due east and the other is going west.

Once I was at a bar in West Ho (that's West Hollywood to all of you not in the know) and Cam and I had a little bitch slap going on after I dirty danced with Justin. He's got some pelvic moves that would bring you to your knees, ladies. And men too. Anyhoo, Cam was all up in my grill and man, her skin is worse than craters on the surface of the moon. I whipped out a vial of no- not cocaine- but ProActiv and she fell silent then begged me for a drop.

True story.

Things I know about Cam:

bad personal hygiene
body odor
sloppy
zit face
scar face
mean
drug user

The Kutch definds Kabbalah at a club over the weekend:

"Like, Dude! You wear all white, it so cool. And like, you get a red string for your wrist. And like, Friggin' Madonna is at the meetings! Yeah! Shit, man, you gotta come with me. Kabbalah is where its at, dude. You want me to Punk you? You better come with me.

You talkin' smack about Kabbalah? Are you making fun of my do' rag? You wanna get into it? I know Bruce Willis, man. Madonna's gonna kick you ass."

Dear Diary,

Oh my GAD! Im like so fat. Ate one piece of lettuce and felt like a whale. I hope I don't look like that lardass, Hilary Duff. What a porker. She like, eats! And then get this- keeps it down. Duh! People do that?

So, like I was talking to NR. We decided that we would do X on Monday and do blow on Friday and then meth on Saturday. She tells me she is going to wasted on her wedding day. Like, yeah. Duh! I vomited four times and took my Kolon Klenz twice this afternoon. I licked three ice cubes and chewed a candy bar but spit it in a napkin like Nicky taught me. We think Paris is looking like Star Jones pre-stomach staple. Why is she eating? ewww. Only fat people eat. Like Britney.

Mother called looking for money. That always puts me in a bad mood so I mainlined some heroin and then smelled a cookie. Felt better. Drank more vodka and did shots tonight. I think I passed out?

So, AS is really fat which makes me so happy. Let WV have at her big thighs. She will never be as skinny as I am. I have no ass. My bones are pointy and sharp and when I faint, I go to rehab for "exhaustion issues."

Did self tanner because dark colors make me look super skinny. Looked in mirror.

Does my head look big in this dress?

What says Happy Birthday more than a vial of chemicals and a syringe? I don't know. But Jessica sure picked a nice gift for her father's birthday this year. Botox shots!

Personally, I think the gift of plastic surgery is one full of thought and love, wouldn't you agree? I'll never forget my first botox shot. It was for my 25th birthday and it was followed by a round of collegan injections and a Mystic tan plus a same day eye lift. Then my friends and I went out and got really crazy, doing Colon Blow and Ex-lax, wild! Wild, I tell you!

Jessica is giving Papa Simpson $2,500 worth of Botox to erase those craggy wrinkles all over his face. Thats nice considerng she spends $7000 on sheets for her bed. Cheap bitch!

Dear Shar,

Thanks that you are going out wif Kwintin Tarntino. Can i stop sending those chex now? Kevin spent so much money I cant be supporting your kids no more. Your house is paid for and I aint got no money!

See, Shar, we's poor. I cant make my house payment now and wif you dating this rich guy, can you give us a break? Why dont you get pregnint and then he can pay you money instead of me and Kev.

Shar, I admit it. You was right about Kev. He dont take a shower and he dont change his pants and he smells real bad like. My mama says we wont last threw the year. I dont know. Does Kwintin have a friend, we's could double date and stuff! That would be real fun! Kev's gonna go to Vegas for gamblin my last million away and Ill be all alone with my two dogs and my BBM. But Kev says he gonna be doublin my money. I dont know. We cant even eat jerky and soda pop no more.

Oh, me and Kev, we are going out and want to borrow Kori. The papapzrizai are gonna be around so we like, need Kori in the piktures. Thanks Shar.

You two make a nice couple. Aint he kinda wierd tho?

yur friend,
britney

Christina is still sporting a Dairy Queen soft serve hairstyle. Now she is including portobello mushrooms on her shoes in case she gets hungry later. Smart girl.

I have the same suit, it's such a coincidence. Except I had mine shortened mine so that when I bent over my peeps can get a nice booty shot.

Xtina, honey why are you dressing like a midlife country club society matron who is about to seduce the teenage pool boy?

Saturday, July 9

Dear Prins Charles,

My name is Paris Hilton. You have probably seen my tape or worn my perfume or worn my shirtsor have seen me on tv or in magazines. Anyway, I want to marry my boyfriend in that big church, Western Minister Abbey. Like, you could totally come too and bring your wife. That would be hot!

So, like, I think I should be allowed to marry in there because I'm the closest thing to American Royalty in the United States. I'm super popular and pretty and I would look hot in England.

If we can't do my wedding at that one place, can I borrow a cathedral or your house, its like, a big castle right? Ever since I was a little girl with brown hair and brown eyes, I dreamed of a huge wedding in a castle far far away. And like, England is far. It's somewhere..by Capri? Oh, sorry, I know. It's right by Cannes.

I will wear a short fluffy dress with a big veil covered in diamonds. Diamonds are hot! And like, Tinkerbell will be my bridesmaid and wear a silk dress with rhinestones in her hair. That's hot. Im hot. Paris, my like boyfriend, will wear a blue tuxedo with a rainbow vest and a fanny pack.

Well, my father in law- to- be says that since he lent you his yacht for your honeymoon that you should totally let us get married in the castle. My mother says if you let us get married at your house that you can have free coupons to stay in a Hilton Hotel and that she would give Camilla a free makeover and you can have some Carls Jr. hamburgers and a dvd of the Simple Life, Volume 1 and if you want to get nasty, which is hot, you can have One Night in Paris.

So that’s why I should be allowed to get married in the UK. What's a UK?

Love and unicorns,

Paris

An Interview With Kate Holmes, bearded lady

Beeep…beeeep, that’s just the electronic device Katie wears. Miss Holmes, soon to be Mrs. Cruise, appears in W magazine, further proving she is merely a fembot programmed by the cult of scientology.

I want to give you an exclusive snippet of a conversation Katie and I had recently. Its a shame that the interview will not be published because the C. of S. has slapped me with a gag order. I'm showing you this, hoping I don’t land in jail where Lil' Kim and I might share a cell and braid each others hair while fending off prison bitches like the Wonder Twins in Alcatraz.

Katie, how does it feel to be engaged to one of the biggest stars in the world?
Tom is the most incredible man.

Tell me about your relationship with Tom.
Tom and I will always be in our honeymoon phase.

Does he have bad habits? Ummm, does he leave the toilet seat up? Crack his knuckles? Bite his toenails?
Tom is the most incredible man in the world.

Don’t you find Scientology a bit frightening? I would be very afraid of the cultish faction.
(at this point Jessica, Katie’s handler, tells me I am not able to make unenthusiastic statements regarding Elrons group)

Katie, what is finding your thetan all about?
I'm learning to celebrate my own spirit, my own being.

You're really in love with Tom then? It's not just a sham? A coverup?
(Katie appears dumbfounded)
Jessica: Katie? Katie? You adore him.
Oh. He’s an incredible man.

Do you want to make a movie with Tom? Maybe do a little Top Gun 2?
That would be such an honor. Such an honor.

Sum up your relationship thus far?
Tom and I will always be in our honeymoon phase. He is incredible. I adore him. He is amazing. Really. Incredible. We are so in love.

Double your fetus, double your fun! All over town people are whispering about Britney having twins so it must be true. Poor Brit, with her Malibu mansion being renovated, she is forced to slum it in a rental. The indignity of it.

What else is really sad is K. Fed plowing through her cash faster than an Olsen twin at an all you can snort coke buffet. Brit's pulling in the reins and limiting his strippers and Cheeto consumption. I was wondering how quickly her money would dwindle once Kev got a hold of her ATM card. Dang, jerky is expensive! And so are multiple pairs of jagged edge manpris and wife-beaters. Those Playstation games add up. As Kevin said, "Bitch better cut a new album or she's out on her ass." I guess he doesn't have high hopes for his own Eminem-esque rap record coming out soon.

I thought I would do poor Brit a favor and create names for her unborn twins. I'm sure she will choose one or two from my list, the names are quite fetching and appropriate for K. Fed's double crumb snatchers. Feel free to add your own.

Boys: Jovan Earl, Ace Buford, Kenny Leroy, Dicky Joe, Dwayne Guy, Earl Bob

Girls: Starla Ray, Kandy Kane, J-Me Dawnette, Misty Dawn, Tami Lafonda

Oh great, besides hiring a BBM to follow me around, now I'm going to need FPCL. Come on, I'm supposed to make the trends not follow them yet I find I'm oddly drawn to having a Big Black Man accompany me down Robertson Blvd. and carry my many bags and takeout from The Ivy.

Now Jessica Simpson is encouraging us to have Fully Plumped Collagen Lips.

So...I just made the appointment with Dr. 90210. You can never have too many BBM around you, you can never take too much Colon Blow and your lips can never be too inflated.

Like you wouldn't be peeking over your fence if Mary Kate Olsen was jumping on a trampoline?

Once stiff breeze and Mary Kate would be in my backyard. I have to protect myself, you know.
What else could be cuter than an Olsen jumping in the air? I'm happy she isn't wearing her Derelicte clothing. A white slipdress is a good choice for bouncing around with your boyfriend.

Boing...boing...boing...boing...thud

Yes, I KNOW Xtina is hot. I know she has nice skin and people jump up in my grill and give me flack should I dare say something about her ginormous white/silver/blonde hair and dime store hooker lips. Not to mention when

I open up the discussion about her knockers.
She is a porcelein skin like a Madame Alexander doll and is ten times better than Britney and Jessica combined.

Truth be told, Christina needs a new look. The lips scare me, the powdery Kabuki skin isn't flattering. I just Fed Ex'ed a lovely artistic rendering of her sporting the subtle glow of blonzer and darker hair. Fingers crossed, I think she might agree to a makeover and then I can be her maid of honor at her wedding and we can give each other lap dances. She wants all the girls in her wedding to wear fishnet stockings and a bustier. Check, check. I have both. In fact, I'm wearing them right now.

It's tres chic to be front row at a runway show. You knew that though, my peeps are in the know! I love going to runway shows and laughing at some of the hideous couture outfits. Maybe that's why I don't get invited to many shows these days. My uncontrollable disorderly conduct and me flashing my boobs.

Here is a photo of Anna Wintour, not my dog, with her blunt cut bangs. I hope she can control her gassy stomach or Gwyneth is in for a treat, maybe that's why she's looking away.

I just sent Gwyn a memo making her aware that tweed is like, so last season. She needs to take a page out of my book and wear hotpants and high heels. Is it me or is she looking a bit frumpy lately?

I've been super busy. In addition to making the rounds in Hollywood and meeting producers for a film I'm shopping around, I took some time to join Paris, Paris and Tara where we enjoyed a ride on a large banana.

They made me be the caboose, Paris thought I would like "bringing it up the rear." whatever that means.

You'll noticed I'm a little sunburned. I left my Clarins lotion back at the hotel. You'll also notice Tara has a big pink leg that looks like a ham hock.

Friday, July 8

DIAMOND WINNER

DAYNA won the diamond bracelet. As soon as the post was up, she emailed me. Followed by Trina, Jennifer, Leigh, Lisa and Georgia who will get the five signed copies.

In coming weeks I will have another charm bracelet, signed books and more hot author interviews so be sure to keep checking in. And tell all your friends about the blog and the contests. Tune in on Sunday for a new interview and book giveaway!

And please be sure to read The Halo Effect. No one does erotica mixed with mystery like MJ Rose!

MJ ROSE

MJ Rose wants one of you to have that diamond bracelet I mentioned earlier. It's so pretty-white gold diamond bracelet with charms, it would look fab on ME but I cannot keep it. So I'm opening the contest to all of you out there. Email me with DIAMOND in the subject line and the first person who sends an email wins. The next five people to email me will win a signed copy of The Halo Effect. Ready...set...GO!

Several years ago, my mother brought to my attention a writer who self-published her book. The writer was MJ Rose and the novel was Lip Service. An erotic novel about phone sex, I snuck it home and read it quickly. I had no idea that at some point in my future, I would get to know MJ Rose. Let me tell- you this woman is brilliant. She knows a lot about publishing and writes well enough to claim status as an International Best Selling Novelist. MJ has a thought- provoking blog and consistently keeps up tabs on the world of publishing, book selling and marketing. I had the opportunity to interview her, I feel honored! Grab a vodkatini and have a read.

Tell me about your history as a novelist? Getting published was an adventure for me. I self-published my first novel Lip Service late in 1998 after several traditional publishers turned it down. Editors had loved it, but didn't know how to position it or market it since it didn't fit into any one genre. Too commercial to be literary, too literary to be commercial. Too erotic not to be erotica but not erotic enough to really be erotica. A little bit suspenseful, but not enough of a mystery to call it a mystery ... you get the idea. Frustrated, but curious and convinced that there was a readership for the book despite it not being easy to classify, I set up a web site where readers could download the book for $9.95 and began to seriously market the novel on the Internet.

My latest novel is The Halo Effect. About a New York City sex therapist who gets involved in the hunt for a serial killer when one of her patients goes missing. To get a little taste of The Halo Effect click here.

Why do you think actors are paid such enormous salaries while writers, even successful ones, often have to work a full time job to keep themselves financially secure? Well, I wouldn't say that. From what I understand the percentage of actors who make huge salaries is pretty much the same as the percentage of authors who make huge salaries. That said, even though the second richest woman in England is an author not an actor there are probably more actors who make more money than there are writers who make that much money. The simplest reason is that more people watch more movies at home and at the theaters and more television shows than they read books. There's just more money to be made in that media. Stars are what draw the crowds. As for the second half of your question. Pretty much the same percentage of actors have a second jobs as authors.

Do you think writers should be paid more by the publishing companies? I'd never turn down a bigger check. Heavens, there is a lovely little house by the water I'd love to buy. But I really don't think publishers underpay. Publishing a book is a gamble and the risk is all on the publisher's part not on the authors. The realities of the business dictate what we get paid. If a publisher gives you $15,000 for a novel and the book only sells enough copies to bring in $7000 in royalties, you, the author, don't have to pay the difference back. And if the book does better than expected, you, the author, get royalties. The author isn't the one taking a chance. The publisher is. So I don't think the problem is that the payment scale is off. The frustration is that it so few books sell well. So on the high end, there are authors who get several million dollars a book. On the low end there are authors who get $5000 a book. And in between is every thing you can imagine.

How come writers are not on par as celebrities when the goal of both actors and writers are to entertain? I think our society is more focused on actors than authors because actors are visible. They entertain us with their voices, their faces, the way they move. We watch their art.But it's an author's written words that entertain. We are aren't what matters to the public, our stories are. Think about Dan Brown. He has sold over 12 million copies of his novel in the last two years and made about 80 million dollars. As much as any actor has made in the last two years. But no one knows much about him or his wife or their house or their dog if they even have one. Nor do any of us care. No one covets his smile or his muscles. It's what he's written that matters, not who he is.

We both know many excellent writers who have not received the acclaim they deserve. Do you attribute that to a lax marketing from the publishing companies, lack of reviews in major magazines, or something else entirely? A lot of things happened at the same time to create this situation. Ten years ago most of us did not have 100 channel cable TV, cell phones, Netfilix, iPods, nor were we all connected to the internet. But now most of us do have all those things and are all on line. And all that is head to head competition for books. Ten years ago, the average reader read 6 -10 books a year. Now that same reader reads 3 or less. Also, in the last 3 to 5 years, newspapers and magazines have been cutting the amount of attention they give to books. (features and reviews). The book review pages weren't drawing enough ad dollars - advertisers wanted to be on more exciting pages. Also because of the internet, cell phones, and cable TV, we all now see about 3000 -5000 marketing messages a day as compared to the 2000 we saw ten years ago. That means it is more than 40-50% more complicated to get a message through to us - about say - a terrific book. At the same time, the number of books being published a year has gone up. It's almost doubled in the last ten years. What can we as writers, do to encourage people to read more? There are too many wonderful books filling the book stores and not enough people taking time to turn the television off and pick up a novel. What do you think? Well, its not having more celebrities write novels. And its not having more novelists become celebrities. Or maybe it is. (I just hope it's not.) Or maybe we all need to start being more outrageous and getting in the news more. Maybe we could get big television shows to show more characters reading books. (When Carmella Soprano was seen reading Memoirs of A Geisha a few years ago sales of the book went through the roof.)

One thing for sure. We need more Oprahs. What she proved was if someone who you trusted told you they loved a book, you bought it. We need more people who have influence talking about books and suggesting books and getting books attention. The industry has to come up with a better message to the consumer than "get caught reading" which is the only outreach advertising there is. As if we need to make reading any more covert than it already is.

What is it that drives you as a writer, to keep writing? Are you looking for fame and money, or are you content to see your books on the shelves? At first the goal was just to get the story out of me and onto the page. Then to do it better. Then do it well enough to get an agent. Then I got an agent and thought that was the pinnacle. Then I wanted the book to be published and on the shelf. That, I was sure, would be enough. Then it was published and on the shelf and I found I cared about getting people to read it. And not just read but love what they were reading. And then when people started writing and telling me they loved my books and that they were really different and they couldn't put them down, I thought that was enough. Except then I realized I wanted more. I wanted to make a living at this amazing thing. And so it goes. But I know how lucky I am.

I get to do what I want to be doing. I get to write about characters I'm in love with, whose lives fascinate me, who get caught up in suspenseful situations and erotic entanglements, who sometimes have to do the wrong thing even though it's for the right reason.

And lastly, when you are not writing or writing about writing, or blogging. What do you like to do? Take very long walks with my totally spoiled dog, Winka. Read, watch movies, spend at least a day a week in Manhattan and go to museums and art galleries and just so you don't think I'm a cultural snob - I adore shopping especially for shoes even its just window shopping. In the spring and summer I garden a little. And most days I enjoy cooking. (On the days I don't take- out does just fine.)

From MJ’s celebrity encounter file:

Once shared an elevator with Barbara Striesand, in Henri Bendel dept. store in NYC. She is much shorter in person than in the movies.I once overheard a very famous movie star- who is part of a movie start family - fathers & sons - having phone sex when my hotel phone line crossed with his. He was very into role playing and boy did he know how to talk dirty.I once shot a commercial with Danny Kaye. He wasn't all that nice to the kids we were filming him with. Paul Newman and Joanna Woodward bought my grandmother and grandfather's apartment in the 60's. So I met him when I was just a kid. He does have very blue eyes. I shot a series of commercials with ZaZa Gabor. Once, we finished early and went to lunch at a restaurant in Beverly Hills. O.J. Simpson was there and came over to give her a big kiss. She invited him to lunch with us. She showed us all her solid gold comb. And when lunch was over and we got the bill, turned out she'd asked the waiter for a dozen loaves of the restaurants bread to be packed up and put in her car. And be put on our bill. Regis and Joy live in my town. They like to have lunch in a tiny restaurant that serves a lot of french pastry. He also likes to visit the local library. Victoria Principal was the spokesperson for a shampoo line I did the commercials for. I can't tell you the gossip on her, she's still alive and might sue me. On yet another commercial our lead was Linda Evangalista. When she showed up, sans makeup, not one person recognized her. She was sitting having breakfast on the set and we were calling the agency hysterical that our major talent hadn't arrived. An hour later, we found out she'd been there all along. Joe Fraiser was wearing a caftan when my producer and I went to his bungalow at the Beverly Hills Hotel. (We were there to give him his train ticket). His hands are registered as lethal weapons. And they are scary. But he's a peach. Alan Menken wrote the music for several of my McDonald's commercials before he went on to write Oscar winning scores for Disney. He was a perfectionist. Ditto with Luther Vandross. He wrote a few songs for Harlequin Books which was my account back then. He taught me to ask for more "Chicago" when I wanted his voice to scrape the floor. John Goodman shot a bank commercial with me. He's a sweetheart.

Thank you Ms. Rose. That was a great interview. For the complete, detailed interview with MJ Rose, please visit my other site: http://conversationsfamouswriters.blogspot.com

And coming up soon, another exciting writer plus a very controversial novelist who will blow you away!

CONTEST

Sexy reader, PAULA ROGERS has won the Jane Heller book contest. She will recieve a copy of Jane's book, An Ex To Grind. Paula is a teacher who is going to school part-time and can only afford to page through the books at the store rather than buy herself one.

THANK YOU to all the people who emailed me. I got hundreds of respsonses and appreciate all of your notes.

Tomorrow morning I will be doing another contest where one winner will receive a white gold diamond charm bracelet worth $750 and five winners will get a signed copy of MJ Rose's novel, The Halo Effect.

Stay tuned for details!

Because Kimberely Stewart has the personailty of a dirty kitchen sponge, she is not going to be on The Simple Life. Nicole Richie will be back. I know you are all thrilled. Really, Im happy too. It's just that I was promised a spot on the show. I'm so sexy and cute and fill out a bathing suit better than Paris. My sense of humor is on par with Nicole's. I just can't fold up and fit into a big leather bag for easy transport. Darn.

Thursday, July 7

Jennifer Lopez might be pregnant, I don't know. I haven't had time to paw through her trash and find the pregnancy test. Or rather, I haven't had a chance to hire someone to go through her trash. Like I would ever don a pair of rubber gloves and a biohazard suit and go through her chicken bones and coffee grounds? No.

Marc Anthony is actually under her skirt in this photo but you can't see him. Like an Olsen sister, he is shrinking to near invisibility. The end of her long skirt is sweeping the floor as she walks. Jen is big on dual tasking clothes. In the bag is a gift for the happy newlyweds, Jenflek- Bengar. It's a bottle of Glow and a signed copy of Gigli.

I want a bodyguard too. Past trends have included adopting biracial children followed by small dogs in LV carriers wearing designer clothes and diamond tiaras.

Now every star has her own BBM to follow her around and hold her purse and stuff. Oh, a BBM isn't a Bombastic Bowel Movement, it's a Big Black Man. I figure one of these is simpler than hammering out the adoption papers and cleaner than dealing with a pooping pet. I want one too.

Britney is out for a stroll with her two ginormous body guards. I like her kimono maternity top. What you can't see is the back of the shirt is totally open, letting us know she is not wearing a bra. I give it one year before her tits are covering her belly button and Kevin is looking elsewhere for perkier fun jugs.

I spoke with Brit the other day and she told me in confidence that she and K. Fed are having a tough time deciding on names. Kevin likes Leroy Kevin while she prefers Buford Earle for a boy, Buey for short. If it's a girl, which Brit thinks it is, she wants Kritney Lynne or Kevette Earlina and Kev insists the baby should be called Tawni or Misti.

I think she should put aside the Baby Names for Rednecks and Strippers and focus on Divorce Settlements For Dummies, which she is bound to need sooner or later.

I knew Martha wasn't going to enjoy wearing that ugly electronic gadget on her ankle. I called her to find out how things were going after her prison stay and she told me, “Yo, G, I was all psyched to get back to my hood, ya holla? Fo shezzie I wanted to be back in my phat pad wif my peeps, yo.” I was like, “Dude, Martha, whats up?” and she was totally defensive and told me, “Im gonna put the smackdown on yo ass, ya playa hata.” And I was like, “I…think I have the wrong number.”

Later I found out she had been scrolling through the internet, plotting to remove her ankle monitor with a turkey bone and some napkin rings. She admitted that while in jail her fellow inmates called her M. Diddy. I call her M. Stew.

Martha enjoyed her prison stay and found time to read novels and my blog, learn a foreign language and make friends. All in all, it sounds like a trip to the Golden Door spa minus the colonics, feng shui and gourmet food.

M. Stew is busy with her new Apprentice style show and is trying to come up with catchy phrases. She says, "For instance, if someone is from Idaho, I could say 'You're back in Boise for apple-picking time.'" Or if you’re a Paris Hilton type, Martha could say, “It's time to go back for a ride on the mid-sized shlongo, sister.”

Instead of "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon", life is now all about Six Degrees of Culty wierdo Tom Cruise. Martha has an electronic monitor on her ankle, Katie has an electronic monitor in her brain. If the device on either woman is broken, Martha's probation officer is alerted or in Katie’s case, a Scientology handler is on her ass faster than K. Fed withdrawing cash for Cheetos and jerky . It's best just to leave those tracking devices alone.

Kim Stewart. Ummmm, yeah. What can I say? I er..well, she has a nice tan. And it's comforting to know my chest is bigger than hers and my booty is peachier. Her ass hangs like an empty Christmas stocking. Is she made of muscle and bone or silly putty? It's hard to tell. I'd like to offer her a protein shake and a ride on my exercycle.

This is odder than Xenu taking up residence in Tom Cruise's soul with a pointy emeter coming out of his butt. A group called The Resistance, which is a cool name for a punk rock band, has invited Jessica Simpson to join them in their fight for their right to party, or something like that.

The leader of this group came down hard on Jessica after viewing her slutty gyrations in the soft core porn video for These Boots Are Made for Walking. The spokesperson of the Resistance, John Connor, totally criticized Jessica and I would like to point out that I too, criticized her whorish ways and no one is trying to convince me to join anything. And I would so like to join some kind of group where I would receive lots of free clothes and a size 7.5 pair of Jimmy Choo shoes.

John has changed his tune and wants Jessica to “join them in their mission of exposing the Sept. 11th cover up and fight against the New World Order.” John says, “I think this is a great opportunity for Jessica to use her celebrity to help expose the lies and cover ups surrounding the September 11th inside job.”

Not to say anything mean against Jessica’s IQ but how can she expose anything except her double D’s? Jessica speaking out on Sept. 11? Heeee, heeeee, ha haha! Hooohooooo. This is a girl who didn’t know buffalo wings didn’t come from a buffalo and they want her to join them in a political movement? Oh, oh, please. My insides are all twisty and I am about to wet my pants. What's next, Jessica for Senator?

Will Lil Kim look so fine in an orange jumpsuit? I guess we will soon see. The snatch bearing rapper who enjoyed showing off her sequin encrusted implants has been thrown in the slammer for a year and one day and is being ordered to cough up $50,000. Her prison stay will begin in September. On her to do list the next couple months? Pose for the "Prison Hotties" issue of Hustler and read the Bible.

I don’t really know much about Kim. I never hung out with her or touched her boobs. I know she looks like a Gremlin and doesn’t wear underpants, other than that I'm clueless. If you are more into Lil' Tommy Cruise rather than Lil' Kim, let me bring you up to speed:

Kim lied to a grand jury about a gun fight outside a radio station. There were bullets exchanged between her posse and a rival rap group. She said, "I testified falsely in front of a grand jury and thought it was the right thing to do. Now I realize it was wrong." Yup. Wrong.

It's tough being a prison bitch but I think Kim will do just fine as long as she keeps her pants on and her breasts tucked neatly inside her prison issued bra.

Porny pup Ron Jeremy isn't ashamed to admit he got it on with a granny. He is happy to say that he had sex with an 87 year old and had no issues about having sex with a fossilized vagina. No offense to my geriatric readers, of course.

Did she take her teeth out? Were her bones creaking like the wooden floors of a haunted house? Shy Ron won't kiss and tell. But he admits the movie brought in a ton of cash and when you break it all down, it's all about the cashola. Like Madge says, "We lika de lotsa casha."

Ron tried to talk rocker Tommy Lee into making a movie after viewing the infamous Tommy and Pamela video. Once he had a glance at Tommy's magical anaconda, Ron saw dollar signs and offered Tommy a stint as a porn star. On the set where I assume people walk around naked and lick whipped cream off each other, Tommy saw how hard (no pun intended) the actors had to work and changed his mind. Ron however, declined to offer Paris or Pamela or Rick Soloman a chance to become stars. Only Tommy had the ah, talent to go big.

Wednesday, July 6

Aaahhh, yech! Wha- why? I'm kind of scared. Can someone hold me tight while I suck my thumb and retreat into a fetal position?

Christina, sometimes less is more. More is not good. More is too much. Sometimes fingerless gloves should be left at home. And sometimes red lips should be left on a hooker. And sometimes hair with a big swirly curl on the top should be left on Bob's Big Boy.

Why try to look fifty five when you are light years away from being a middle aged, country clubbing Mar-a-Lago jet setter? All you need are opera glasses and a cigarette holder for the look to be complete.

As soon as Lindsay is done partying, she is headed over to Cedars Sinai where she will put in time as a nurse on the night shift. How else can we explain the big white shoes with the orthopedic inserts and rubber soles? All she needs is one of those white hats and a stethescope then she can take rectal tempatures and hand out pills.

If you look very closely you might be able to catch a glimpse of her intestines and see the outline of her colon. The dress is very sheer. I can even see an Ex-lax tablet in her stomach.

We know Paris L. can't dress himself. Obviously, this shirt was chosen for him. Which is kind of funny because I make all my friends wear shirts with my likeness on them too. I like that. I have a variety to choose from: me naked washing a car, me naked on a pony, me wearing a thong on a yacht. Lots of shirts and hats for all my friends to wear especially when I'm with them.

Paris Hilton looks as if she just vomited up her vodkatini and took a hit of blow. Good thing she has her seeing-eye boy to guide her. See him cover his zipper with his hand? He was reading the blog and saw how I made fun of his bulge. Now he keeps it covered. I think I made him feel self conscious.

For the love of Versace, what the hooha is this? Hilary Duff, you have been cited for a Fashion Felony and must report to the Court of Distressed Jeans, pronto. We have: a dingy white wifebeater from the K. Fed Collection, otherwise known as Skidmarkz, my belt from 1987 that I used to wear with my Sassoon jeans to the Hunkabunka Ballroom, a skirt that was hacked off with dull paper cutting scissors, I'll let her go with that because by itself the skirt has potential. But are those L'eggs pantyhose in Black Whisper cut off at the knee? Or are they Spanx, to hold in her upper thighs? Either way its too Madonna 1984. No, no no.

And why is she wearing Lindsay's cowboy boots? I think what really troubles me is the pseudo leggings with the patch of white skin showing. If you are a dancer or gymnast, a form of tights or Lycra pants is acceptable. If you are about to go to a rodeo and lasso a clown, please wear the cowboy boots. If you are headed to a retro party, I'll understand the oversized belt. But put it all together and you will be thrown in fashion jail with a tracking device on your wrist every time you get dressed. I just fired off an email to Hilary, suggesting she hire a stylist or consult with me before getting dressed. Even with her new oversized teeth, she is too pretty to dress so...much like I did back in junior high.

Jenny McCarthy once had a no-nudity clause in her movie contracts which is kind of funny considering how anxious she was to take off her clothes for the pages of Playboy. Jenny and I used to hang out at the grotto at the Playboy mansion. Scott Baio, Robin Leach and Willie Aames used to hit on us. We would laugh about how desperate they were then we compared our blonde hair and big white teeth. I was a bit put off by her armpit farting and belching but I saw past it. If you can deal with her nose picking and talking about her hemorroids, she is a lot of fun.

Now she is banishing the no-nudity clause and getting naked in her new film, Dirty Love, directed by her husband.

Jenny thinks nudity will boost foreign sales of the film. Getting naked will get the job done, for shizzle. If you want something, just flash your tits and see how fast it happens. Like American Express, gratuitous nudity is accepted worldwide.

Angelina is in the process of adopting a newborn Ethiopian orphaned by AIDS. Angie wanted to name her new child Distressed Jeans Jolie, but recalling that time in Mexico with the tequila shooters and being naked in the Sea of Cortez, Brad talked her out of it. So the baby is going to be called Zahara Marley. It doesn't have quite the same joyful ring as Distressed Jeans.

The adoption will be final on Wednesday and then Maddox is going to have to figure out a way to walk on his two little legs because Mom will be busy holding Zahara. Rumors have been spreading faster than Paris Hilton's legs but my source in London, who is neither Madonna or Gwyneth Paltrow, tells me Angie is not pregnant. Then again, I'm getting flooded with emails of people telling me indeed she is having Brad's love child so I guess until Angie makes an announcement, who knows what that sick bitch has up her sleeve?

Jolie says Maddox has been asking for a brother or sister so the least she could do was buy him a child. Some kids want one of those mini Ferrari's or a pony but Maddox was specifically requesting an African child. And I would like a Infiniti with tinted windows, leather seats and satellite radio.

Please take a moment...

To take the polls I have on my blog. Your answers are very important to me. I appreciate it, my fellow celebaholics. Thank you!

Conversations About Famous People is a satirical look at our cultures obsessive interest in celebrities. The book poses the question: Are the famous people we read about as magical and interesting as we think? And at what cost are we willing to sacrifice our own integrity for a chance to take a bite out of the caviar filled lifestyle?

Barrett is a writer who is bored with her job at a women’s magazine and spends most of her days online reading entertainment gossip. A chance encounter with pop star Kat Savage hurls Barrett into a friendship with the popular singer. Barrett is so excited to be friends with a Famous Person that she lets her personal relationships slide, and ends up losing everything that is important to her. When Kat commits a cruel and selfish act, will Barrett finally see Kat for what she really is and learn that celebrities are not always deserving of the pedestals their fans place them on?

Tuesday, July 5

Thanks Madonna! Right back atcha. By the way, your books suck and I'm not buying into Kabbalah.

These boots are made for...something. Please people. Put away the cowboy boots unless you are going down to a country western bar and riding the mechanical bull, my personal favorite. Esepcailly when it's covered with oil and I'm wearing a thong. But that's not the point.

Lindsay Lohan wears her boots with shorty shorts and I'm not crazy about the latest fashion trend. I much rather see a pair of grungy Doc Martins or perhaps a stiletto heel. If you look fast, it appears she is wearing elf booties. Save the cowboy boots for wearing with Wranglers and roping steer.

Thank you Greek Paris for taking a stand for gay pride. Your Rainbow Coalition shirt is a real shout out to our friends in other communities. I think Dan Ackroyd might want his suit back for another stint on Saturday Night Live though. That very outfit was worn during a skit in 1978. You may have modified the lapels but I recognize the fabic and color. Can you drink a protein shake and bulk up a bit? Paris is borderline bigger than you and if it's one thing I can't stand besides a poorly dressed gajillionaire, it's small skinny men with large hair.

Paris Hilton, give back my hairstyle from 1989!

Bravo on kicking the drug habit Courtney. I'm glad you enjoyed your stay in rehab and are now sober. However. I must point out that you are bulging out of your top like a horny maiden at the Renaissance Festival selling pickles on a stick.

Your hair, has it been combed since you left the clinic or are you going for hobo-druggie chic a la an Olsen sister? Honey, natural puffy lips (like mine) are fabulous but when you start looking like Amanda Lepore it's time to eighty-six the collagen injections and go au natural. The cardinal sin of skincare is sleeping in your makeup so don't forget to apply Noxema to your face, cucumbers to your eyes and ice to your lips to before you go to sleep tonight.

I would have totally taken my clothes off and had crazy wild animalistic sex with Jude Law. But then I saw this photo and must retract my statement. Apparently, Paris Latsis chose Jude's outfit for the evening. He looks strangely like that guy Andrew from Wham! I half expect him to do a grapevine while snapping his fingers and singing Wake Me Up Before You Go-go.

I don't care for the foppish ascot tied around his neck or the white Hane's wifebeater beneath the single buttoned blouse, who does he think he is? Sienna should not have let her paw through her side of the closet. Maybe I need to take Jude out for some shopping therapy and a good hair cut. And then wild sex. I hear Jude had a bi- sexual foursome with Sadie Frost. Is it true?

Ashley is a thrifty bitch although she she should leave the swap meets to those who don't have a quadrillion dollars in the bank. Here she shops at a flea market and judging from the bulging bag, she is walking away with a bargain, perhaps a knitted poncho or a blanket.

My hair looks exactly like that before I tease it and get it nice and poufy. Where's Mary Kate? She's right behind her but you cannot see her because she is so skinny she is now invisible.

What really puzzles me is that Paris doesn't pick out her boyfriends clothes. I mean, I love self expression and the freedom to wear my bellbottom hot pants and elevator shoes with a glittery tube top and a propellor beanie when I go out clubbing but if I were to look really silly I'm hoping someone might gently point out that while I'm clearly sexy and stunning, my outfit borders on the ridiculous and I should head home to change into my feather boa and PVC thigh high boots.

Therefore, I am slightly stunned and speechless that Paris H. doesn't pull her boyfriend aside and reprimand him for wearing a FANNY PACK. Yes, a FANNY PACK. And a sleeveless sweatshirt thats about two sizes too big with a hood that threatens to swallow his head . Did you see he was wearing a fanny pack? Have I mentioned that?

A fanny pack to carry the basics: a vial of blow, a tube of lipstick, a few million dollars and a package of KY jelly plus a comb and a brush and a few handiwipes. Really, did you see the boy was wearing a fanny pack?

He has nickenamed himself The Butterscotch Stallion. Why? Because papa loves the ladies. Owen will happily chase after anything in a skirt.

I'm digging the feathered and sprayed hair, very porn star 1982. I like to call Owen Wilson "The Blonde Hedgehog" or the "Vanilla Clown." Butterscotch Stallion my ass.

PS. Crest Whitestrips, Owen. Or else you are going to be called "The Yellowtooth Groundhog" and the chickies won't find you very attractive with that name.

Joe Simpson, once a penniless baptist minister, is still launchng attacks on Lindsay Lohan. Joe has been hurling insults left and right about Lindsay for weeks. It was probably Joe who locked her father away in jail. Hell hath no fury like a Simpson scorned.

You remember the scuffle between the Simpson sisters and Lindsay where Jess and Ashlee were banned from a party at the Standard Hotel given by Linds? Joe blew up when his precious girls were dissed and has been focusing on bringing the Herbie Fully Loaded starlet down ever since. Does someone have too much time on his hands?

And he won't give up In fact, he is sitting in his office right now planting seeds of destruction. It's all kind of strange how Ashlee hooked up with Lindsays ex- boyfriend, Wilmer Valdezerehaha. I supposed that was orchestrated by Pa Simpson who muses all day long about his older daughters large jugs and in his spare time tries to get his daughters on reality shows. I think he was the one who told Lohan she was fat and needed to lose weight, then insisted she dye her hair blonde. It was all part of his master plan to eliminate the young starlets until his daughters were the only two left on the planet.

Mariah Carey and I share so many similarities, it's almost eerie. First we both have blonde hair and wear huge black sunglasses. We love shirts that show off our cleavage. We wear tight jeans. Our voices are like that of angels. We employ vertically challenged peons to lift our long skirts off the floor while we walk. We both have really big- oh, this is where the similarities come to a screeching halt.

Mariah is also a fellow Germ-Phobe. She is so frightened of catching a virus, disease, disorder or germ from her fans that she has one of her minions carry around a tub of anti-bacterial wipes, lotion, gel and tissues. Mariah comments, "I can't get germs. I've touched a lot of fans." Very reasonable. Who wants to catch a nasty bug from a fan who hasn't washed their hands after using the bathroom? I just wear disposable gloves and this takes care of the problem. Sure, it might look a little funny what with a fancy Marc Jacobs ensemble and a pair of surgical gloves but what really gets the strange glances is the germ filtering face mask and the antibacterial cap on my head. But as popular and in demand as I am, I need to put my health first, right Mariah?

To dispel the widespread rumor that their relationship is not on the fo' real, Tom and Kate have decided, with the approval of the Scientologist high priest, Zandar, to get married sooner rather than later. Is there one person in America who believes this is a genuine coupling? As Tom would say, "You just don't understand. You just don't understand. Kate is amazing. And magnificent. And is drug and sexually transmitted disease free."

The two freaky cult members who enjoy regular e-meter readings and rides on the mother ship to the home planet where green men implant satellite chips in their brains, plan to marry before fall. Both Tom (Amazar) and Kate (Magnifu) decided the nuptials will be a full Scientology service with John Travolta attending in his Battlefield Earth regalia.

See, when Tom was trolling for chicks to brainwash, Katie was pretty far down on the list. Consider his choices: Jessica Alba who is in a relationship, Lindsay Lohan who is a boozy party girl with a weakened liver, Scarlett Johansson whose career is already stable and Kate Bosworth who has a sweet deal with Orlando Bloom. What was left was that girl from Dawsons Creek. Slim pickings. How does Katie feel about it? Well, I never get a chance to ask her because her watcher is with her 24/7 even during Katie's bathroom trips. I guess they don't want her removing the microchip and re-entering the wog world. All this for a few million bucks and a ride on the HMS ELRON? I'll take one million and no chanting, closed eyes, or engram counting.

Tom is thrilled that Katie has embraced his religion as zestfully as someone getting an $8 million dollar pay check. A close friend to Tom notes, "It has become a prerequisite of Tom's that the closest people in his life should also be Scientologists. He was mortified when Nicole turned her back on his faith but he is overjoyed that Katie has embraced it."

The lovebirds will enjoy a sexless honeymoon on a yacht where Katie will attempt to push Tom overboard in order to regain control over her life. Oops I forgot. Jessica will be there with them during the honeymoon to make sure Katie properly holds up her part of the bargain.

Friday, July 1

EXCLUSIVE! An interview with best selling author, JANE HELLER!

I'm practically busting out of my Lucky jeans because I'm so excited to bring you this exclusive interview with best selling author Jane Heller! To me, reading a good book is on par with buying a new pair of shoes or running into Brad Pitt at Starbucks. A good book can change your mood and take you to another place and time.

I began reading Jane’s fabulous books several years ago. Once I read the first one, I was thrilled to find an author who had written several witty, entertaining books. Each novel is different yet each is written with a sense of humor and fun. I cannot wait to dig into her newest one, An Ex To Grind.

A lucky reader is going to be winning a signed copy of An Ex To Grind which is hot off the press. All you need to do is email me (distressedjeans@juno.com) and tell me why you should win the book. I will be choosing a winner next week when I have another best selling author and another contest. I am thrilled to share my interview with Jane who is one of the nicest writers I have ever had the pleasure to meet!

Living in Southern California, you must see your fair share of interesting characters. Have you ever viewed a mini- dog wearing a cashmere blended sweater? And how many of your characters are based on people you see or know?

Actually, moving to Southern California wasn't that big a shock afterliving in South Florida for seven years. Whenever there's a crazy headline,it either comes from California or Florida, doesn't it? Well, maybe Texas should be included too. I've never seen a mini-dog in a cashmere sweaterhere in LA, but I did see a mini-dog - a "purse puppy" - being carted aroundin a teeny weeny Mercedes convertible! No, my characters aren't based on people I know. Honest. They spring from my head, fully formed. I love my friends and family, but they're not nearly as interesting as the people I make up. What I do base my characters on are the universal emotions we all feel - love, hate, jealousy. The juicy stuff.

The first book of yours I ever read was The Secret Ingredient. I was hooked on your style of writing from then on. What was the first book you wrote and which is your favorite?

The first book I wrote was Cha Cha Cha, which was published in 1994. I was living in Connecticut and the stock market crashed, and all of a suddeneveryone was going broke. I thought, What would happen if you were thistotal suburban princess and your husband lost all your money in the stockmarket and then dumped you? How would you support yourself in your big McMansion? Especially if your only "skill" was being a neat freak? I came up with this story about just such a woman, who, without telling her snobby friends, answers an ad and becomes a maid. She puts her Pledge, her Windex and her Fantastik into her Porsche and goes to work cleaning houses - only to have her new employer get murdered. Loved that story and still do. But my favorite book of mine is The Secret Ingredient, which is about a wife who looks at her husband while he's stretched out on the couch stuffing his faceand watching TV, and goes, "Who IS this guy and what happened to the prince I married?" She heads for this herb guru in Beverly Hills and buys a potion, gives it to her husband, and freaks out when he becomes just a little TOO perfect. That book was a lot of fun to write. So many women relate to the heroine's problem with her husband.

Tell me the best and worst things that have happened in your career? The best thing that happened in my career was getting booked on the Today show when Cha Cha Cha came out. I was so psyched, because I'd spent a decade working at NY publishing houses promoting authors and getting THEM on theToday show. So now it was my turn. The worst thing that happened in my career was getting booked on the Today show for Cha Cha Cha! Turns out it's much easier to promote someone else's novel than sell your own on nationalTV. I was a nervous wreck! When I got to the studio, the producer took one look at me and said, "Uh-oh. I don't know about that blue dress. Katie's wearing blue today and I think you're gonna clash." I was so upset that I reached into my bag and popped a Xanax. A few minutes later, I was in the makeup chair when the makeup lady's beeper went off. She left me there to go and work on somebody else. I had one side of my face done and the other side not, and I thought I'd be going on the air like that, looking like somethingfrom Phantom of the Opera. I was so upset that I popped another Xanax. Eventually I went onto the set. Katie Couric's first question to me was: "So, Jane, how does it feel going from being a promoter of writers to being a writer?" I felt my eyes roll back in my head and I said, "I don't know. I'm heavily sedated." True story. The good news is that I've gotten so cool with live TV that I can do these shows cold turkey now!

What are the most challenging parts of writing?

The most challenging part of writing is having the focus and discipline to do it. Every day. On holidays too. No excuses. I work from 9 in the morning until 6 at night with a quick break for lunch and mini-breaks to answer e-mail. I don't sit around waiting for the Muse to strike. I stay at the computer until I put in a full day. I write humorous books, and there are plenty of days when I don't feel funny. But sometimes those are the best writing days. You just never know what'll come out once your fingers hit the keyboard.

Like me, you are originally an east coast girl. Ever consider moving back?

I grew up in the New York area and my mother and sister are still there, so I try to visit as often as I can. But I would never move back. I'm a warm weather person and those winters in the Northeast are too harsh!

Who would you like to see play the characters in a movie based on your latest novel?

My latest novel, An Ex to Grind, is making the rounds in Hollywood as we speak, and I hope we'll have a movie deal for it very soon. I'd love to see Julia Roberts as my heroine. Sandra Bullock and Jennifer Aniston would be great too. It's the story of a successful career woman who gets stuck having to pay her ex-husband alimony. She really resents writing those checks because he's such a "bumbo" (a term I coined for a male bimbo who won't get a job). So she hires a professional matchmaker to secretly fix him up with a woman, hoping he'll live with her for 90 days and void the terms of theirdivorce agreement, which would get her off the hook for the alimony. An Ex to Grind is a battle of the sexes comedy, and I'd love to see an actress in it who's likable but also tough talking.

What’s next on your agenda?

Next on my agenda is finishing the novel that'll come out in 2006. It doesn't have a title, but it's set in LA and is about a writer for a celebrity magazine. She gets assigned to interview this hunky but difficult actor who'll only do the interview in his Cessna. Trouble is, she's phobic about flying and can't make herself get on his plane. She gets fired, goes home to Missouri to lick her wounds, and volunteers at her local hospital -only to have this actor show up as a patient. Lots of complications in this story.

Do you indulge in reading saucy tabloids? What do you do for fun?

I read People magazine religiously, so I can keep up with who's supposed
to be dating/marrying/breaking up with whom. And I watch baseball. Coming from NY as I do, I'm a passionate Yankees fan and I never miss a game. I've been posting entries on this sports blog and everyone on it assumes I'm a guy! It's been very interesting.

I want to encourage everyone to check out Jane's website and view the video. You can also read about Jane and her books. A big thank you to Jane for taking the time to talk to me, I wish her the best of luck and lots of continued success!

Sadly, I was unable to attend the Affleck- Garner nuptials. It's okay. I sent a card and note wishing them a happy couple of years. I reminded them of a great divorce lawyer in Brentwood for when the time comes.

The two lovebirds stayed at Bruce Willis's grand home on the isle of Turks + Caicos, the very same place Lindsay Lohan and her family stayed at. Thankfully there's a full time housekeeping staff or else Ben and Jen must have wondered where all the white powder came from.

I dont have many details but I know the flowers for the wedding were long stemmed lilies and white roses with pink stargazers. I don't think they had elephants, swans or camels so it was a rather low key affair. The vows were exchanged on the beach and I bet J. Lo was wishing she was there, longing for a time when she was the original Bennifer.

After the fun time Ben, Jen and I had in Vancouver last winter, my presence would have made the ceremony complete. They begged me to join them on their honeymoon which I thought was a little bizarre but I had too many things to do and people to see and couldn't leave southern California. It's hard when I'm in such high demand. Im actually jetting off to see Brad and Angie tomorrow afternoon and then I'm going to Mar A Lago in Florida with the Trumps.

Don't cry Aurora! We still love making fun of you! I mean, we still love you!

This really hot track was brought to Christina Aguilera and she was stoked about it. No, I didn't write it although I do dabble in song writing now and then. My lyrics are magic and my songs would make you fall to your knees and explode, but I digress. This song was given to Christina and she was going to record it but then learned it was penned by none other than Aurora Lynne. If you're asking who the hell is that, let me inform you: it's Britney Spears alias! How undercover of her.

Christina was like, Hell no I'm not gonna record a song by Britney Bleeep bleep Spears. You have to be shitting me. Get out. GET OUT.

Even though both singers have known each other for over ten years, they have been rivals and things between them only got worse after Britney allegedly cheated on Christina's good friend Justin. Christina insists she is not inviting Britney to her wedding because she wasn't invited to be a pimp or a ho at Brit's fried chicken hoe down when she tied the knot with stinky stoner, Kevin. I told Christina not to be bitter and she said I should mind my own business. Then later we met up at Spider Club and we laughed about kids names for Britney's twins and Christina insists Kevin is going to misspell his own children's names because he cannot even tie his own shoes so how smart can he be? Then we figured he must be pretty damn smart because he got Britney to marry him and now he's a millionaire.

I'm simply too busy to watch television these days what, with my reading, writing and partying and such. Shopping also takes up a huge chunk of my time as does being a model and actress and a spokesperson for a variety of high end products. So it will come as no big shock that I didn't view the Being Bobby reality show.

If it's anything remotely like Chaotic, I am comforted to know I didn't waste an hour of my time I will never recover. I think the goal of the show was to examine the relationship between Bobby and Whitney and show the two as they are, in love and whack on crack.

Bobby says he wanted to show the other side of him and Whitney. He says he's so much more than a than a "slap boxer" and a pot smoker. He is a thoughtful and caring husband who will gladly relieve his wife of her constipation. He likes to serve beverages as he breaks into a hotel mini bar. Bobby says his son is special because he is named after him. He reveals his daughter likes missing school on his court appearance days.

Bobby is very forthcoming about landing in trouble with the law for his cocaine-related parole violation. Or not paying child support. Or his drunk driving arrest. And I think he sums up the show himself when he tells Whitney, "Bring that ass in quick. I'm going to show you what I'm going to do with it!" Right on! That's setting the record straight. I spent the last hour staring at myself in the mirror and plotting out my next Botox injection. I think it was time well spent compared to watching Bobby and Whitney on their one way ride to Crazyville.

I love Hilary's hat, it's very Anne of Green Gables. And who knew Christmas lights had duel use? In the winter, string the lights around your tree. During the summer months, string them around your neck. Tres chic!

I can imagine Hilary in a field of wheat with her billowy white top and large straw hat, lights blinking and glowing for miles around.

Anna in her crown and heels.

Do you want to smell like dirty bedsheets and old family money? Well you're in luck. Paris is introducing her new men's scent. I call it Smells Like Paris Spirit. What a business woman, perfumes for both men and women? Because there is a need to carry the distinct odor of a Hilton although sometimes I like to smell like a Marriott.

When I'm feeling skanky and wealthy, I spray the Paris perfume around me and cover myself in dollar bills and sequins. Then people confuse me with Paris, the only difference is my dog is not a teeny Chihuahua it's a fat bulldog who refuses to wear her diamond tiara and is unable to take my picture with her cell phone. Other than that, we're pretty much twins. Especially when I roll around on top of my car in a bathing suit while eating a hamburger. I do that a lot.

After viewing this photo of Pamela I am alternating between wanting to lay my head on my goosedown pillow and wanting a casaba melon. Anyone else hungry and tired? Pam- hold me.

Pammy, you know I love you but I really would enjoy seeing you in a color other than white. Are you trying to show off your tan? Your bra lines? When I saw you at Knott's Berry Farm you looked rather fetching in a small blue shirt. Although your toenails needed clipping, you were quite hot in person.