Conversations about Famous People: 07/01/2005

Sunday, July 31

Bai's Nipple

Aww, Bai Ling is soooo embarassed over her nipple slip, how Janet Jackson of her! No, she doesn't care- in fact, her dress is meant to show off a nip or two!

I see her hand snaking up her dress as she parties hard. What does Bai do for money? Every time I see her she's showing off some part of her body. I think I just answered my own question.

She lick you long time!

Saturday, July 30

Cameron Diaz heads out to play golf. She is celebrating her victory over that guy who forged her signature on topless photos of her before she became famous.

I like to celebrate with a bottle of $450 champagne and a full body massage followed by a professional colon hydrotherapy but thats just me. If Cam like to hit the greens and play a boring game then fine. She also like to munch on Lays chips which I see peekingout of her bag. Clearisil on standby!

It's a hard knock life!

We should all feel very sorry for Paris. She must spend her days shopping and playing on the beach while the weight of that big diamond causes her finger to droop. She spends her nights aboard a $30,000 a night yacht where she rests her golden head upon a silken pillow and sleeps next to a jabillionaire who cannot seem to match his pants and shirts and carries a fanny pack.

Professional chefs whip up gourmet foods for Paris to digest and a team of self tanning experts apply bronzer to every inch of her thin body so she can look perfectly sun kissed. I feel nothing but pity for poor Paris, having to slum her way through life. It's the pits, isn't it?

Friday, July 29

Oh Tara!

I don't think these photos need any commentary. However, Tom Cruise would like a few moments alone with Tara because he KNOWS how to wean people off their drugs and drinking habits. He has cured over six thousand addicts with just a small micro chip and a few brain washing sessions. Tom also offers a free paperback copy of Dianetics and a Battlefield Earth costume with each counseling appointment. After a completion of his program, John Travolta will give her a ride in the cockpit of his million dollar jet and Kirstie Alley will bake (and eat) a chocolate cake.

Baby Violet Affleck

Jennifer Garner's real life pregnancy will be written into Alias. I'm sure she will have a special gestational fitness expert on the set so she can maintain her fit body while she fights villians and stuff.

She left her baby name book opened on the set of her movie naturally someone snooped then blabbed to everyone how all the girls names were highlighted. The name Violet was marked with underlines and arrows and hearts. J. Gar was also seen buying pink linens and dresses so its safe to assume she will be having a baby girl and you can send your gifts directly to the Alias set. I'm mailing out my own self portrait done in pastels on a rocking chair for little Violet. Personally I prefer the name Daisy if we are going with a floral theme but they didn't ask me what I thought.

Dukes premiere, YEE HAW

Jessica, CAN YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH?

Maybe her jaw is off its hinge from too much..ahhh, work.

Ha ha ha! Thrust the chest out honey and open your mouth really wide! It's nice to see Nick still admires his wifes assets.

Keep your hands to yourself and your eyes off your kids boobs. I feel so dirty and violated, don't you?

Kimberly Stewart

What is she thinking? Borrowing outfits from Bai Ling? At least she is wearing a very thin suspender to keep her skirt up. We can surmise that she is on her way to the beach, why else would she be wearing a bikini top? Certainly not to show off her chest. Its nice when people can show off their colon and their pancreas. I think its sexy but not over the top.

Look close and see her digest her morning breakfast: a non- fat decaf half- soy part- skim latte with a half a sweet and low and a third of a stick of Extra gum. Weight loss program, courtesy of Nicole Richie.

Dear Diary, a page from Paris

Dear Diary,

Woke up this morning. Did b. and took metamucil. Constip. from heavy foods. No eating today. Wondered why Paris is wearing a hideous pair of b. shorts and a tight little tank top. If I say something he might not m. me and then-wont be set for life. He is load.

It's so hard being me! Traveling, shopping, spending money all the time, its like, really tough. Diary, this extremely large, 25 carat ring is hurting my finger and my personal care doc. says I might have to wear like, a splint on my f. because the stress the ring is placing on my delicate bones or something! Like, Nicole R. has a small ring and I cant take mine off! What will that b. think? And then we are doing that dumb show again? Dont they know I cant stand her? Like, duh!

I love myself. Looked in mirror and noticed, like, Im t. hot! How many people can find billionaires with the same name like, and then get married? That is HOT. So, I was trying to get married at Western minister Patty and like, that dumb Prince C. and the lady with the bad hair and teeth said no. Can you like, imagine? Im like, then Im never going to your country again. Where was that? I think it was Bermuda or something.

Like, hello! Now what am I going to do? Esp. when Nicole is riding on an elephant and having swans and imported macaws or whatever at her wedding. Well, I want to ride on a whale at my wedding. And have a sixty foot long lace train with eleven John Casablanca child models holding it while doves fly above my head and hold my veil! That bitch! And then if Prince whatever wont let me have my wedg at his house, I want to go to Tivo Castle where Madonna got married and only invite A-listers. Except Tara.

I have to look in the mirror hold on- its not fair that Im more beautiful than ever. else. Hi pretty girl! Im hot! Paris, not so h. but I have to rem. he is filthy rich and mother says I must marry for money because I can always cheat for love. Gotta run. More shop. and spend. its such a drag but at least I look good doing it. If you cant be happy then be HOT.

Love,
me

Britney's letter of troof

Y'all, I'm like so dang tired, it ain't funny no more. See, y'all, Kev, well he's been running threw mah money like we's growin it on a tree like buckwheat in a barrel. But it ain't so. I says to him, I says "Kevvie! We only got like one million dollars in the bank! Stop spending mah money!" and then he laughs and is like, "Yo bitch, you get that check out to Shar last month? She's sqawking like a plucked chicken again!" and we's sended her flowers and signed the card from Quentin Tarantino.

And then mah manager called him and axed if he got a part for Kev in his next film. I mean, gosh, y'all, look what he did for John Travolta! Jus think of what he can do for Kevin!

Anyways, Kev was all, "Yeah, I'm blowing this shit hole and going to Vegas, baby! Wif out you!" and I's all, the hell you are Kevin Earl! And I followed his ass out there to the Hard Rock Hotel where I stood on my puffy ankles and watched Kev dance for hours! He was blowin' smoke in mah face and telling me to go back home and I'm just all, "Yo baby, you better stop spending mah cash, I ain't got no more and the house in Malibu ain't ready yet!" And Kev's like, "Shut your yap, ball and chain!" And I know thats just his way, even though it sounds real mean like. Mah mama says thank the good lord he signed that pre-nup but I tol her that we got no money anyways! Kev buyed hisself a motorcycle and a coupla cars and he buys lots of other stuff I don't really know about but I know he loves me really he does even if he goes out all the time and leaves me all alone.

And alls I can do is sit home and eat Doritos and fried chicken and double stuffed Oreos and Kool Aid cause I'm real hungry! Mah little Lonnie Dwayne Federline is kicking me all the time and I can't even find a bra to fit so lotsa times I don't wear one but Kev thinks I look real good. He says I got more Chins that a Chinese phone book and I's like "HUH?" Some times he's talkin' and I ain't got no clue what he's sayin'. Then he say something bout a dee-vorce and riding a train made a gravy and he told me he's gonna video tape the birth of our baby and sell it to Hard Copy or somethin' and I'm just like, "What you talkin' bout Kevin Earl?" I s'pose its too late to see if Justin might wanna git back together if me and Kev dont work out?

Wild On: Tara's Ass!

Tara Reid was the obvious choice for the host of Wild On. The producers tried to talk me into it but I refused, politely explaining that while I enjoy mini skirts and vodkatinis and the company of Paris Hilton, the three really don't mix. I felt uncomfortable given what happened between Paris and me and Paris recently. You know. I just hope the video isn't circulating somewhere over in Europe.

I'm thrilled the job went to such a qualified candidate as Tara. She can actually fart to the tune of the greatest party song on earth, "Ninety Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall" and can ignore the feeling of naked ass cheeks while I get all bent out of shape when my firm yet peachy butt is showing. She has no problem with drunken and disorderly conduct and prefers to go without underpants. The cotton and elastic is so constricting! There's nothing worse than fumbling with the burden of a pair of panties when you have to go to the bathroom, you know what

I mean girls?

Tara also offers a pillowy pair of implants and a throaty smokers voice which I simply do not possess. Besides that, she is a member of MENSA and speaks fluent Latin, can dance the lambada and is a limbo champion. She has worked with chimps and had documented several specials for PBS on penguin migration as well as the life cycle of butterflies. She recycles glass and paper and is an avid volunteer for Meals on Wheels. I swear, this girl is amazing. Is there anything she can't do? I mean, besides stay sober and remember clean underpants?

Lindsay: Fully Stressed

La Lohan bagged the European Herbie Fully Loaded press junket for what she calls “family reasons.” That’s like taking time off and saying you need to “rest” for your “exhaustion” which is obviously a cover up for the real issue which is frequent bloody noses from too much coke inhalation and a weary body thanks to an overdose of Ex-lax.

The blonde star is “overwhelmed with her parents divorce trial” and I wonder how that all works when her dad is in the pokey. A good daughter and gracious with her booze and blow, Lindsay flew to New York (private jet and free champagne of course!) to be with her mother who is due to debut her boobies in Playboy, and her sister, who is the next Lohan diva. Sister Aliana will probably be visable on a Nick Jr. show where she can get a wholesome start before she dyes her hair blonde and complains of “stress” and “family issues” and starts hanging around with Conrad and Baron Hilton.

Angelina plus two

You're probably wondering where I have been. Because of my weekend stay in the "hospital" for "exhaustion" I've had some loose ends to tie up. And I want to give a big shout out to Miss Twitchy who really helped me with some of my "issues." Unfortunately due to my schedule, I was unable to help Angelina when she needed me most- during her move into Brad's Malibu spread.

She was counting on me to hand deliver her supply of hand cuffs, riding crops and feathers and I was secretly excited to see if she, like Ben Affleck, had a chair with her face painted on it so I could sit on her face. I just got too busy with "things" I had to "take care of" if you know what I mean and I think you do. This has nothing to do with Mischa Barton's coke dealing ex though so don't get any funny ideas about my whereabouts.

Although I like Angie, I can't help but wonder why she put eyeliner on Maddox in the above photo. And no, it's not at all the same as when I have french tips put on my dog, Anna Wintour. It's totally different. At any rate, I think the photo will address the question, "Will Angelina still carry Maddox when she has the baby?" and "How will she possibly carry two children at once?"
That's why the Baby Bjorn was invented! And if she adopts another poor orphan child from lets say...Arkansas, she will utilize the back-pack along with the front-pack and maybe even an infant carrier or stroller combo.

Wednesday, July 27

Is it Distressed Jeans...or Pam?

This is such a coincidence but I was wearing the exact same outfit as Pamela Anderson today and several people stopped me on the street to ask if I was indeed Pammy! I laughed and said, "Of course! Who else would I be? "

I was even drinking a Starbucks green tea frappacino which tastes like blended grass but looks very chic and healthy.

Tomorrow I will repeat the outfit and wear my cuffed jeans and stilettos except with my hair loose and long. Perfect for strolling the streets of Los Angeles in my oversized sunglasses and double stuffed Victoria's Secret bra!

Billy Ray Farrell

I didn't know that Billy Ray Cyrus was starring in a movie with Jamie Foxx?

Wait- Colin Farrell? Really. Then why does he have a mullet slicked back with Dippity Do?

I suppose you want me to comment on the recent Colin sex tape scandal. Well, duh! This is a guy that tried to bag an seventy- five year old grandmother for real. It's only a matter of time before a few more porny tapes of Colin make their way into your nearest neighborhood video rental shop.

You shouldn't be surprised, he is very straightforward about his sexual conquests. He is also very open about the fact that he has a rather small penis so I'll skip the porn tape and wait for Two Nights in Paris to make a debut.

Britney gives birth to a 55 pound baby!

(Thanks to Catherine for the photo of baby Jackie Bob Federline)

Who knew that a steady diet of Red Bull and Funyons could make a person poor? From wealth and glamour to white trash within months, it's quite staggering. Poor Britney will soon be living in the slums- or Riverside county- if K. Fed doesn’t cease throwing his wife's cash around.

Obviously, he isn't frittering her millions on salon visits, designer shoes and tailored pants. In order to save money he has taken to wearing the low budget combo of socks and flip-flops, but I hear he smokes primo quality weed and fills up his Range Rover with premium gas. I won't even mention the P. Diddy designer rims.

Pretty soon, the Federline's are going to have to start selling off pieces of property to get ready for the birth of Wanda Jo and Dewayne Earl. Two loans were taken out for the Malibu mansion Britney is currently renovating. Apparently her money is “tied up in real estate” which really means she is a few bags of Cheetos away from filing bankruptcy. Kev and Brit are staying at a $3,000 a night suite in LA while their eight bedroom, eight bathroom home is being tricked out with heated flooring and imported Italian marble along with maids quarters and a stable for when Hilary Duff visits. I'm really glad that have eight bedrooms instead of seven. Now I won't feel so cramped when I visit. Whew!

I hope they are able to clear up their financial issues before the kids come tumbling out of Britney's Dorito infested womb. It would be such a shame if they couldn't afford to hire two baby-whisperers and had to settle for just one nanny.

Mariah's flat hair...and makeover!

I felt Mariah's hair was simply too flat here. The vampy red dress and the large chest needed more balance.

Taking a page from my beauty book, I simply created a new hairstyle for Mariah which is more flattering and gives the appearance of height which she needs with the heels and the off the shoulder, come hither gown.

I'm pretty certain she will be consulting me in the future regarding her hairstyles. Bigger is better, bring on the hairspray and curling iron!

A Ben Chair

While moving furniture from Ben and Jen's home, the moving crew let it slip that a chair with a portrait on the seat actually occupied a spot in their house. It's kind of odd to have a chair like that. I'm going to assume it was a gift from a fan. My dresser and headboard have painted portraits of me on them so I can see my pretty face from where ever I am in the room along with the ceiling mirrors and the floor to ceiling reflective glass. It's all about me!

I guess when people came over they had the option of sitting on the bean-bag chair, futon or Ben's head. I would have loved to have been there when someone said, "I'll just sit over here on Ben's face."

Tuesday, July 26

I don't think I really want to talk about this photo. I have no clue how the press got a hold of Ricky Martin and I. What a violation of my privacy! See, being a super star Z-lister is tough. I cant go anywhere without the paprazzi following me.

Rumor has it that Paris got a new tip for her nose. It doesn't point down and hook like a parrots beak like it used to.

That Paris is such a sexy, tarty strumpet just like Jude Law's naughty nanny! Climbing all over Paris's lap with several other guys and check out the dude about to touch her ass! When will the video be out? She isnt bothered by the extra men in the car, I think it turns her on.

Paris n' Paris have been rumored to be having trouble. It's really hard deciding whether or not to sign the pre-nup, isn't it?

Tissue Sleeves, the new black!

I don't know about you but I for one, am very grateful that fashion designers are taking a hint and incorporating tissues into their clothing.

Lindsay Lohan demonstrates the new look. It's wonderful, really. If you sneeze or need to blow or have to wipe a little bit of coke residue from under your nose, you have something at arms reach, literally!

Earlier this year Lindsay wore a shirt with a built in bib which was brilliant if you are a sloppy eater like myself. Even though I've been to the finest finishing schools in Switzerland, I still tend to drip and spill and the bib simplified things for me. I didn't have to carry around an extra supply of 100% cashmere pashmina blended tee shirts in the trunk of my Escalade. Now I won't have to carry a travel pack of tissues in my Coach bag, I'll just use my sleeves.

Dirty hair = sexy!

Unwashed hair is very "in." Just check out Kate Hudson and Debra Messing. Should we conclude this is a new trend or just lump it into the hobo chic-Olsen sister look? But the big question is, are they wearing shoes?

And while we're chatting, why don't you tell me why Debra is considered so gorgeous? Yes, her hair is thick and lovely but I don't get it. I'm high on colon- blow and can't think straight. Why, tell me, why does everyone think Debra is such a hottie?

Jessica Simpson and her various looks

The many faces of Jessica Simpson. The photo at the top scares me. I might have visions of that enormous smile in my head as I try to sleep tonight, that is a smile on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I should know, I'm the one who took off for "exhaustion issues" this past weekend. In the next picture, her poor dog is stuck in a basket, very Wizard of Oz! I see her BBM in the photo which means Jessica is following two trends at once, three if you count the oversize sunglasses, but is she barefoot? That is the trend du jour, everyone's doing it. Shoes? So last season.

Then the last photo, we see Jess looking like she is about to vomit at any moment. I wonder if she's upset that her purse looks like Violet Beauregard? Maybe she learned people are saying she is a lesbian? Or she's in the middle of an argument with Nick? Or she just figured out that the way her dad has been holding her all these years is illegal?

We's goin' to da movies, y'all!

I think first we need to address the fact that Kevin is wearing socks with his flip flops. I've seen this done by the little Japanese hostess at Mount Fuji restaurant but she was wearing a kimono and bringing me green tea and sake so it was okay. I doubt Kevin is going to be bringing Brit a plate of hibachi chicken so I must give his fashion statement two thumbs really far down.

Smoking in front of his pregnant wife? The high regard I once held Kevin in is slipping. Tsk tsk. I found out that he didn't even call his son on his birthday! Oh Kevin, you have a phone clipped to your pants and you couldnt have placed a call to your son? Toys R' Us would deliver for Kaleb Federline but no truck bearing Geoffrey's likeness pulled up in front of Shar Jackson's house. No call, card, email, gift, text message or note for wee Kaleb from his Cheeto eating, beer slurping, pot smoking, play- station playing daddy. Deadbeat dad, anyone? Red flag?

And who told Britney that style of shirt was flattering? It wasn't me, not even as a cruel joke! I think Justin sent her a box of tent style, loose tops that make her look like she is wearing Star Jones castoffs, pre- gastric bypass. I'm going to send along a gift certificate for my stylist services and a complimentary Dermablend application.

I'm tickled that there is finally concrete proof that Ashely Olsen eats! She consumes salad which I would have never guessed. Shocked!

I don't have a foot fetish or anything but I cannot help but notice the soles of her feet are quite dirty, as if she's been strolling around the 7-11 without her sandals on.

Now along with adopting biracial children, having a big black man with you at all times, carrying a doggie in your oversized leather bag, wearing hideously huge sunglasses, it's very cool to kick off the shoes and do it barefoot. Shoeless is the new trend! Get with the program, fashionistas!

I refuse to hoof it without a high-end designer shoe on my pedicured foot, but for those who enjoy the boho- sloppy- derelicte look, going without footwear is tres chic, just ask Britney Spears and Sienna Miller.

Me and Anna Nicole

I know Anna Nicole and I have soooo much in common, it's not even funny. What it is could be called uncanny. It's like we are one person. Check it out:

We are both blonde.

We are both writers- she for The Enquirer, me for my blogs, both of us are literary genius's.

We love to read but she likes cereal boxes, I like novels.

We like to wear pale frosty lipstick.

We are tall.

We take drugs. She gulps Trimspa while I am addicted to anti-depressants and colon blow.

We cannot go outdoors with out a posse of men following us, fame is a bitch!

We have dogs.

She has big, giant, scary boobs and I- oh, well I guess this is where the similarities come to an abrupt halt. Plus, I never posed nude (that anyone knows of) and I don't slur my speech too often. And I don't have a lesbian assistant although I'm not opposed. But we are so alike in many other ways. I'm sure you've sensed it. You probably even confused the above photo with me.

Im back from "rehab" with a new interview, more gossip later...

As soon as I heard about this novel, I knew I had to read it. The Twins of TriBeCa has all the elements of a great novel- a juicy plot, fun characters, a behind the scenes look at fame and fortune plus gossipy Hollywood details.

The only thing that could be better is if each novel came with a free pair of Manolo's. I hung out with Rachel to discuss the novel a while ago, and I promised not to divulge how crazy we got when we went shopping in Los Angeles. We fought over the perfect pair of Prada heels and an imported purse from Italy.

That Rachel can be vicious, but she has excellent taste in fashion and she promised to share.

Rachel, congratulations on the success with The Twins of Tribeca. It's getting awesome reviews and I'm dying to read it. How does it feel to have a book people are gushing about? It's a must read on everyones list.You're famous!

I'm very happy with the response from people who've read the book. A lot of readers have gone out of their way to find my site, and send me an email to tell me how much they liked it. I'm so grateful that people take the time to do that. MediaBistro just had this fantastic party for me in L.A., at Geisha House, which Ashton Kutcher owns. I told someone that I felt like the Olsen Twins, but I didn't know which one. I can't tell those monkeys apart, but it was the one that eats.

Gwenyth Paltrow, Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, George Clooney, Tom and Nicole …you personally know all the big names in Hollywood...

For more Rachel, please click here and read the rest of the interview. This novel is a must- read for celebrity hungry z-listers like myself! Wrap yourself in a silk blended faux fur throw and read more...

Friday, July 22

Distressed Jeans needs "help"

I think it's pretty obvious whats going on here. I'm trying to engage in a threesome? My shoes don't match my dress? Once again, the paparazzi's have captured me completely wasted out of my mind, plus I had a horrific hair color incident this week that rendered my golden locks more of an apricot color...yup.

It's time to check-in to the "hospital" for "exhaustion" stemming from the "heat" and my "intense work schedule" plus being to busy to "eat" and becoming "dehydrated." And then there's all the "mental health" issues I've been "experiencing." Its best that I just "get some rest."

So, I'm taking a very short "break" but will be back soon.

Courteney needs new diamonds

I feel so bad for celebs who are reduced to shopping sales! Here Courteney Cox walks out of the jewelry store, apparently empty handed unless her BBM is holding the bag standing out of camera range, probably next to the nanny who is taking care of Coco and keeping an eye on that wild card, David Arquette.

I wonder if Courteney asks for an extra 50% off since she is a celebrity. I hear most celebs get things for free which is funny because they are the ones who can afford the pricey items. Even Paris and her mother were scooping up all the freebies at Sundance. Me, I just prefer to tuck things into my pockets and hope no one notices.

Grandma had the same bucket hat during the 1940's along with white gloves and pearls. But Ashlee makes it look so hip and trendy for 2005. I want a hat that covers my whole face too. Add a gigantic pair of black sunglasses and no one will recognize me. I love going incognito!

What?

Awesome! Nicole can drink her mocha as her colon blow kicks in and she is already sitting on a toilet. That is super convenient. I think there should be more toilet seats available, don't you?

Lindsay loves the same guys as Ashlee

Still reeling from her hookup with old man Willis and Wilmeramalabana, Lindsay Lohan is now dating 31 year- old party boy Mitch Mortaza. He has a really impressive background. You know him as the mastermind behind the Lingerie Bowl, that fun game where women get dressed up in lacy bras and thongs and then tackle each other and dump Gatorade over each others bleached blonde heads?

I know what you're thinking…not quite as elegant as Girls Gone Wild, but hey- close enough, right? Lindsay and Mitch were seen together at Cabana Club, the "in" spot to be seen. Get this- Mitch was at Cabana Club a week prior getting smoochy with Ashlee Simpson. These girls should market themselves as a package deal and then they can legitimately jump into the same dating pool. They share all the players anyway.