 If they rub together, sparks will fly and a fire will ignite. Brittle bones make the best bonfires! Is coke flammable? Is Nicole wearing seashells from the Jersey shore? Is Lindsay going bald? Is she wearing leggings? Do they share drugs with the Olsen twins? Are they closeted lesbians? Will Lindsay be a bridesmaid and bring Jake Gyllenhall as her date? What kind of vest is Linds wearing and why does she look so angry? These questions and more! We want to know!
Paris and Paris 4ever!
 Paris wears her grandmothers curtains with lace trim and white pumps. Paris Hilton is engaged! This is cause for a big celebration. In light of this huge event, I will be having my butt hole bleached, hitting the tanning bed and having my teeth recapped and whitened. But I don't know what I'm going to wear! Versace or a frock a bit more understated with just the right amount of cleavage? I have a lot to do before the wedding! There's botox and collagen, lip plumping and chin chiseling. There is a personal trainer to hire and a diet expert, a feng shui master, a yogi, an interior energy coodinator. And that's not even for Paris, its for me! Paris proposed to Paris after she came back to the US from a publicity tour of House of Wax. Maybe after he saw her die in the movie, he thought he should seize the day and ask for her hand in marriage. Or maybe he saw the Carls Jr. ad and said, "I gotta get me somma that! And I ain't talking bout no burger!" Either way, Paris will have a trillion, billion dollars in her bank account. That is an exact amount by the way. She can shop every day of the year and party all night and wear Jimmy Choos as slippers and can buy the Neverland Ranch and import exotic animals! Will Nicole have a bigger, better wedding with Lionel Richie singing one of his romantic ballads and her new husband spinning tunes? Will Paris use twenty dollar bills as toilet paper for the gold plated toilets which have a magical hand that comes out to wipe? This could be even better than the Amazing Race! Paris and Nicole sweat it out in a race to the altar, stay tuned! It would be so much more delicious if one of them were pregnant!
 I hope Joe Simpson can't read. Cover your eyes Papa! Because your daughter has announced that she turns more tricks in the bedroom than a hooker at the Midnight Bunny Ranch. Jessica, who knew!? I thought Ashlee was the slut! Ash is currently dating/having sex with Wilmer Valdermama-ding-dong. Who used to date Lindsay Lohan. But Ashlee and Lindsay are friends so the whole thing reeks of some kind of friendly incest. Lets pass around Ryan Cabrerra and make this come full circle. Back to busty, floozy Jessica. The Dukes of Hazzard actress says, "I have fantastic sex. My body was made for sin. But I'm not domesticated. I've never used an iron or a washing machine and I can't dust, cook or Hoover." Well who cares about that kind of stuff when youre a nympho? Guys don't look for dust bunnies and crisp shirts when you're naked and willing. Trust me on that one, sister. But life is a lot easier when you can vacuum in a thong and high heels and if you can boil water wearing pasties and handcuffs, well then, you understand why my boyfriend is so happy and well fed.
 Like an angel sent from the heavens or a mental ward patient, Pammy always wears white. She sits and writes on the beach like a modern day Hemingway with ginormous boobs and oversized sunglasses. "Are you there God? It's me Pam. My beloved Tommy is dating Tara R. They might get married. Makes me feel sad. Don't want her as a stepmother to my boys. Please no. Her boobs are in worse shape than mine. At least mine don't droop down to my belly. Thank goodness I went with the under the muscle gel implants."
 Pamela Anderson was gorgeous before the sun damage and implants.
 Kirstie Alley. Back in highschool she was quite the looker. Then again, with braces and a headgear, I was rather stunning too.
 Before Jessica discovered the joy of sex with Nick Lachey, she was just a fresh faced young girl from Texas. I believe she might have had a slight nose job and something done around her eyes. Why? I dont know. She was totally cute before.
 Jennifer Lopez. Don't you deny something hasn't been done!
 Long before she got the role of Carrie Bradshaw, Sarah Jessica Parker was not hip and trendy and edgy. She was really not all that attractive to be honest. Much like a person you would see on the street and not look back. But then she went and got a bit shaved off the ol honker, did something with her hair and started wearing shorts and high heels, voila! Instant success.
 Everyone on Friends except maybe Courteney Cox has had a nose job. Like I said before, its a requirement for a job in the acting business. Let me show you Jennifer Aniston, pre- nose job.
 I love the way Halle Berry constantly comments on how she would never have plastic surgery. Yeah! Sure! Don't pee on my back and tell me it's raining, Halle. I don't care how much baby fat you used to have, you do not lose weight in your nose. Own up to the rhinoplasty and we will still debate about your boobs. Nice pencil shirt, by the way.
 Tyra Banks, before the nose job. Hello! And I don't believe her boobs are all natural either.
 I don't know who David Schwimmer had to blow to get roles but I don't think in his early career he was getting by on his "good looks". A nose job was thrown into the deal before he secured the role on Friends. Like getting a fake tan or a colonic, rhinoplasty is a necessity in Hollywood. Almost everyone has gone under the knife at the beginning of his/her career, trust me. I know people who know people who know the drs. that perform the face changing surgery. You are a nobody until you get your nose smaller, thinner, shorter and narrowed. With Schwimmy, I always had a suspicion he had a nip tuck on his nose but this photo confirms it. His hair is oddly like the wig Michael Jackson has been wearing to court, but with a slight curl.
 It's nice of Demi to show restraint while dressing her pregnant belly. Unlike Britney, who favors low- slung pants, tight shirts to show off her milk filled breasts, Demi chooses a big cowl neck sweater and a large purse to hide behind. She is still pretending there is no pregnancy but we know better. Come on, it is totally obvious. Does she think we can't see? Judging from her full face and slightly puffy ankles, we - the celebrity experts, know the truth. You can't fool us, Demi. So don't try. Enough of the coy behavior! And a trucker cap? Please. Give it back to Ashton and stop trying to Punk me. In other news, I just discovered that a certain Oscar winning actress actually gave birth to her daughter and then weeks later, announced the birth of her then ten pounder. Spelling it out for you: she went in the hospital, had the baby and then weeks later, went back into the hospital and produced her child as if she just had it. Other Hollywood actresses schedule their c-sections early and don't go to a full forty weeks. It's all about timing, movie releases and good PR.
 Kind of like the editors erasing Teri Hatcher's nubby nipples, Lindsay is attempting to erase something of hers too- the sprinkling of freckles on her face. Coupled with weight loss, hair color and the binge of make out sessions with Jared Leto and Jake Gyllenhall, I think its safe to say Linds is trying to change who she used to be: an adorable freckley red head with a healthy body and promising career. See what happens when you hang out with Paris Hilton? Like Tara Reid, Lindsay just wants to be taken seriously. And you know people with freckles are not highly regarded. Freckled people do not get the job advancement as their non-freckled counterparts do. And thats a fact. According the Star magazine, the skinny cokehead may be using bleaching creams or chemical peels. She may have undergone a laser treatment. I wonder if she had her anus bleached as well, you know its tres chic in Hollywood to be monochromatic. In related Lohan news, Lindsay's dad, Margarita Mike, has been sent to the slammer, the pokey, the pen, the big house and it's not Camp Cupcake like Martha's prison stay. No spa treatments and hot oil wraps. No happy singing around the campfire and painting each others nails. Well, maybe a little nail painting. And anus bleaching. Michael Lohan was arrested several times for his boozy behavior behind the wheel. Shades of Billy Joel wrapping his car around a telephone pole. His sentence is one to four years in prison where he will be banging out license plates and working in the quarry while being a bitch to a guy named Big Bertha. With good behavior however, Mike could be out within a year.
 Mariah Carey has hired a teeny tiny woman for "keeping her long skirts from touching the floor and humping around a Louis Vuitton backpack filled with bottled water". Fabulous idea. Employ some of the vertically challenged people to walk around under your full skirts, carry a spare beverage and wipe your ass when need be. I personally have a very tall man to hold an umbrella over me so the sunlight doesn't touch my ivory skin. I also have a donkey I use to tote my bottled water, vodka, prescription drugs and a change of clothes along with extra car keys and current tabloids. I have a seventeen year old male who holds glasses up to my eyes while a small child waves a bamboo fan in front of me to keep me cool. I insist that a long pink carpet be rolled out ahead of me where ever I go. My air is cleansed by an atmospheric feng shui designer who will free all the negative energy from the ions floating in my oxygen. I'll call Mariah and suggest she demand a little more than someone holding up her skirts. Anyone can do that. And I thought Jennifer Lopez was a diva for having a nipple tweaker on set to keep her tits perky. These women have no idea what a real diva is. Do they also have someone in the bathroom standing by to brush and floss their teeth?
Letter of troof
 Please, please, like, please y'all. Tune it and watch Chaotic. The show is like, gonna be taken off the air if more people don't watch it. The ratings is low. Y'all, like, I'm havin A baby! Y'all, I am so so so totally, like upset over all this. I thought fer shur that my show would be really awesome. Guess ya can't handle my truth. My love for Kevvie is just too much for you, is that it? Gah! I gotta like, go to therapy to learn how to deal with y'all not liking me no more. I was so famous and now, its like Im just, like another one hit wonder or something. Even mah big boobs ain't getting people to watch the show. Duh! And mah ma is like, really mad that I's talking 'bout sex but ya gotta understand somethin. My sex life wif Kev is like so awesome. He just sends me right to ecstasy. He ain't no Justin, no way but he's good. The grease on his body helps me slide around more. We's be having sex all day long, y'all. That's why he ain't got time to tie his shoes, see. I keep him real busy, wink wink.
And guess what? Yeah. Like, Kevin didn't like mah dog Lucky. Remember that little dog I was carryin' around and all? Right, before Bitbit and Lacey. Kev hated my pooch so bad I had to git rid of it. He wuz sayin' he wuz gonna eat it fer dinner like the racoon he caughted up in Fresno that time. Awww. So sad. I think I'll name our baby Lucky. Lucky Earl Lynn Federline. I love frapuccinos.
Angelina to Brad: You stink!
 Calm down, Angelina did not sleep with Brad. She couldn't bear to be naked and close to him. Don't get me wrong, she thinks he is great and a wonderful person but she cannot get naughty with someone who smells like a dumpster behind a Chinese food restaurant. A direct quote from Angelina: "Brad smells badly." Jolie's publicist says, "She isn't saying he smells badly to anyone but her and even then it is just an opinion and the kind of opinion that, she is saying, would keep her from using her nostrils close to him, as she would if they had sex." Apparently, Angie has a very delicate constitution and is very sensitive to bad odors. Which reminds me of myself- I was shopping today and a guy wearing mesh shorts and a half shirt farted, causing me to collapse and gasp for clean air. It was a big production. I came home needing a vodka and a Xanax along with a big bag of lavender potpourri to shove my face into. Rumors a few years back indicated that Jennifer Aniston had to "clean Brad up". Brad might be the only guy I know of to need a douche and a full body Lysol bath. Hang a pinecone air-freshener around his neck and he might look kind of cute.
Titty Snatcher
 Teri Hatcher should learn about circular band-aids to cure her nipple-itis. See, many months ago, Teri was told by producers of Desperate Housewives to keep her nipples hidden. Unfortunately, the thin bras she favors does nothing to hide her erect boobies which show right through the flimsy fabric of her tight shirts. When the tempature drops outside and the film is rolling, there is not much Teri can do to hide the headlights. It's costing the editing department thousands of dollars to digitally remove her blinking neon signs of a chest. I would suggest a cotton camisole and more substantial tops but no one on that show listens to me. Her waxing technician commented that she is sporting quite a fluffy muff, so the next thing we will hear is that the editing people will have to erase her hair-line from her tight pants. Get a grip, Teri! In related news, Teri told Playboy magazine that she would pose nude for ten million dollars. Now, I'm no Teri Snatcher but I would be willing to do it for $750,000. What a bargain!
 Katie "herpe" Holmes has not been applying her Abrevia. Tsk tsk. I still spot ghosts of her cold sores even though the dry, scaly, oozing, red crust has healed nicely. Can't Tom prescribe some sort of vitamin for her to use? Katie, stop kissing Tom until that shit heals. Oops. Just kidding. I know you just hold hands.
Nice to see you too!
 Charlize, when you give me the middle finger, I find myself reconsidering the votes I cast for your Academy Award win. I was so happy you won. Remember the lovely card and note I sent after you took the golden statue home? The gift certificate to Starbucks? The homemade lavender soap and body spray? The muffins I made? The tea? Our celebratory lunch at The Ivy? And then you show your appreciation not with a wave or a smile but your middle finger which we all know does not exactly mean "Hey. What's up?" You are so rarely even in the tabloids, magazines, newspapers and online gossip columns and I would think any picture would be a nice way for your fans to catch a glimpse of the actress they admire. But no more. I'm rallying behind another actress next time you don fake teeth and gain forty pounds for a role. I'm sticking my tongue out at you right now, but you just can't see it.
 Supposedly Jessica has filed for divorce. The reports and retractions are going back and forth faster than a Japanese ping pong tournament. "She filed!" and then five seconds later, "They are together!" and then "The divorce papers are signed!" and then "No, they are still married!" At least stay together until the boobfest known as Dukes of Hazzard comes out. Everyone loves a good publicity stunt right around premiere time. As I have last heard, Jessica has filed for divorce and Nick is free to date Lindsay Lohan. Conflicting reports will be raining down on us for a while until Dukes of Hazzard is out and the PR has died down and then I'm sure they will quietly file for divorce, placing them on the cover of every magazine from FHM to People. Im still thinking Joe Simpson will find a way to turn this into another reality show. I think it will be called "Dump'd".
Healthy living
 There is nothing like combining sun worshipping with the healthy habit of cigarette smoking. Really, there arent many things you can do for your skin that will age you as fast. I suggest no sunscreen and a pack a day. Wrinkles at age 22 is very "in". The haggard appearance is one that is popular in Hollywood these days. Screw botox, I want to be wrinkled like the hide of an African elephant. Lindsay is balancing her laptop, no doubt seeing what new material I've put up. See what I mean, she has such a tough life! Obviously she is working hard while hanging out at the pool. Is that a dacquiri next to her leg? Yum yum. Girlfriend, pull up a chaise for me and order me a pina colada, I'm on my way.
Uhhhh. Duuuuude. Uh.
 "How do I tie mah shoes?" I do not even have to tune into this drivel to know what happens. Britney rambles about Kevin and love. Kevin speaking in a rather southern sounding, strung out voice saying things like, "Love is...like, love. Committment is like...love. You dont need to like, uh...get married, you know...if you like, uh...love somebody." Then Britneys all, "Like, y'all love me? Huh? Huh? Gah hahahaha!" She says things that don't make sense and if this is her truth, I prefer she lie. I am getting flooded with emails, people want to know what I think of the show. I think we can easily surmise that: 1. Britney is cuckoo 2. Kevin is high 99% of the time 3. Kevin's education ended at the third grade 4. Vanilla Ice is Kevin's idol - ice, ice baby-too cold! 5. Britney is desperate for love- who cares where she gets it from. 6. Britney is emotionally twelve years old 7. Kevin hates having his hair washed 8. Both have zits and greasy skin 9. Kevin will divorce Britney after she has his love child, but before she loses the baby weight, he will also make an appearence on the Surreal Life. 10. Kevin owns two pair of manpris What did I miss?
 Just in case you needed further proof that Mary Kate snuck inside my house and took my grandmothers lace tablecloth from my dining room table. She is using it as a shawl which Nana does not appreciate. I promise you, if MK gets cigarette ashes on it, I'm going to be pissed. I know many people have been wondering if this photo of the wee Olsen has been photoshopped and the answer is no. Her boyfriend towers over her naturally, no computer enhancement needed. If her bones shrink a little more, she will be even with his crotch. MK has given me an idea of what to wear tonight. I will take a table skirt, wrap it around myself and secure it with a brooch. Then I will throw a doiley over my shoulders and fashion a pillowcase into a skirt. With my oversize sunglasses and unwashed hair, I will look exactly like a fat Olsen sister! What would be neat-o is if Mary Kate and Tom Cruise got together because he is much more her size. He could use his freaky cult like ways to cure her of her sickness. He has special vitamins and a machine he would like to hook her up to if given the chance. All he needs to do is lay his magic, L. Ron Hubbard approved hands on her and she will be cured. Maybe Mary Kate's boyfriend should start carrying her around in a leather bag. Now that would be cute, wouldnt it?
Its not easy being green..
 Lindsay Lohan is really tired of having a reputation as a party girl. Like Tara "engaged to Tommy Lee" Reid, she is a smart girl who works hard and gets no respect. She doesn't understand why she isn't in the same league as other actresses who are taken seriously like Keira Knightley and Scarlett "sex in an elevator with Benicio del Toro" Johansson. I don't understand it either. She's been in the hospital for "exhaustion" the poor girl works so hard! You know, its really difficult to party all night, work all day, fit in time for massive doses of Ex-lax to stay thin and then also schedule shopping sprees and dates with Jake and Jared, not to mention sex with Wilmerama Valderbanana and a blow binge with Paris. Come on! It's a tough life. Really hard. And she is tired. Its not her fault that her mother has been pimping her out since she was just a child and like Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, hasn't had a vacation in like, years! Poor, poor drug addicted Linds is all about hard work. She says, "Im a young kid and I have a lot of pressure." Awwww. While you give to the Save Mary Kate fund, please say a little prayer and spare a quarter for the Pity for Lindsay Relief sponsorship. Speaking from first hand knowledge, it's a sad world we live in when actresses make jillions of dollars and then whine about how tough life can be. Boo hooooo. Pass me a tissue, I can't take the pain.
 Constantine from American Idol at the Longest Yard premiere. So, he's on American Idol right? And then he gets invited to a movie premiere? How does that work? Why haven't I been approached with a limo and free movie tickets, hmmmm? Seriously, me and Chris Rock, we go way back. You would think he would provide me with front row seats and extra buttery popcorn. At first I thought I would go out with Constantine, I liked the way he towered over Ryan Seacrest and I think tall men are sexy. But the more I saw Connie, the more I thought he was probably the type of guy who just wanted a late night booty call and I would never hear from him again. I'm just not that kind of gal anymore, you know? There comes a time when late night sex has to take a backseat to dinners at restaurants with cloth napkins and diamond earrings. Its just the way it is. I decided I would settle for going out for tea and scones with Anwar if I had to choose. A look into my crystal ball reveals Connie hooking up with a young starlet and Im not referring to Paula Abdul who is neither young nor a starlet. Plus as my mother pointed out, Connie has the round face of a jack o' lantern and I couldn't look at him with out thinking he belonged in my window with a candle in his mouth.
Sly slams Orlando
 Sylvester Stallone thinks Orlando Bloom is just a big pussy and it's time we had a real man as an action hero. Of course, he is referring to himself. Even though he is like, seventy years old and looks like he has Bells Palsy, Sly thinks female fans would flock to the theater to see him in a wifebeater carrying a machine gum. I'm sorry to say that men with big muscles usually have a small penis and I find that unattractive. Sly says, "I'm still in my prime and I look forward to showing fans the real action hero again. Today's idea of an action hero is Orlando Bloom. Orlando Bloom? Give me a break." If he waits any longer, he is going to have to play Rambo with a walker and an oxygen tank and have a team of paramedics waiting in the wings should anything happen to his brittle bones. Even though Orlando is rumored to be gay or bisexual as most good looking guys in Hollywood are rumored to be, I much rather spend a night with Orlando than Sylvester. In related news which just about everyone is aware of right now, Tom Cruise originally wanted Orlando's beard, Kate Bosworth as his girlfriend. Because Kate is otherwise engaged, Tom had to find another young actress whose career needed a boost and thus Katie was introduced. It is my pleasure to introduce you to the way Hollywood works. Its all smoke and mirrors and nothing is as it appears.
 Courtney Love and her daughter, Frances. Courtney was found laying face down on a pile of newspapers in a dumpster. That explains why the side of her face looks dirty. But what's the excuse for the black roots and the low cut hooker shirt with her mammaries hanging out? The red lipstick is either missing her lips or her face is contorted. See what happens when you don't wash your makeup off at night? Oh Courtney. Such a mess. Pull it together, girlfriend.
 "We's wants an extra large venti grande mocha latte wif carmul and y'all put sum whipped cream on that there frap-o-chino now, ya hear?" Sometimes when a woman gets pregnant, she uses that as an excuse to eat everything and anything in sight. I've known many girlfriends who have gained seventy, eighty pounds of baby weight throughout their pregnancies. Women who plow through cartons of Ben and Jerrys ice cream like the factory is shutting down. I think Brit is going to be one of those women. This may be the first time in her life where she isn't forced get up at the crack of dawn to run four miles and do one thousand sit ups, so all the more power to her. But what would be really fun is if Kevin gained weight too! It would also be nice if he changed his wife-beater and found pants that were not a cross between dog-chewed capris and extra large Dickies. And doesn't Britney have someone on her payroll that could tie Kevin's shoes for him?
Hello? Is it me youre looking for?
 Although Angelina called Jennifer to chat about the rumors running wild, Jen wanted no part of her filmsy excuses and explanations, prompty haning up on Angie. Jen was spotted in the UK looking for a new home in an expensive neighborhood. Of course it was expensive, you don't expect her to live like a commoner do you? She wants hardwood floors and floral curtains. Brad did say Jen's style of decorating was "matronly". I bet she has a Hummel collection and a grandfather clock. When your man cheats and lies there is nothing like a cigarette and a multi-million dollar home to take your mind off your troubles and cheer you up. I really don't think Jennifer will be calling Fandango and having her tickets to Mr. and Mrs. Smith held at the box office. Angelina may be a homewrecker and a sex crazed bitch with a thirst for human blood, but Jen and Brad were having marital troubles for years.
 "I swear to God, her ass is like this big and I just like to grab it!" Oprah hugging, couch jumping, erratic, psycho Tom Cruise might be frantically fighting for Katie Holmes to be his on-screen girlfriend in Mission Impossible 3 but there are other chicks in the running. Lindsay Lohan was the front runner however the casting people feel she is too skinny and blonde right now to pull off the role. Keri Russell and Elisha Cuthbert are in contention and personally, I'm hoping Keri gets it because ever since Felicity I've had a little girl crush on her. If Katie "herpe lips" Holmes, or Kate as Tommy likes to call her, gets the role, I promise you I will boycott the movie and burn my copy of Eyes Wide Shut. I will never replay the sex scene in Top Gun either. A look into my magical, mystical crystal ball tells me that Tom and Katie will actually tie the knot over the summer and miraculously announce a baby is on the way some time next year, most likely when Tom has a new movie coming out. Because almost everyone is the world is convinced Tom has been slipped some kind of scientologic, brain changing "vitamin" and is halfway to the destination of insane via the creepy bus, he must do something to make us believe the steamy pile of poop that is his relationship with Katie. Therefore he and Katie will marry soon and I'm pretty certain I won't be invited. John Travolta will don his Battlefield Earth costume and preside over the nuptials that will net Katie at least five million dollars for two years. * due to the nature of this content I will add a disclaimer so I am not kidnapped by a cult and brainwashed: This report is hearsay, gossip and fortune telling. In no way am I responsible for my own words or actions.
Crack is whack and Whitney is back
 Bobby Brown, the crazy husband of drug addicted Whitney Houston is promising that Whit will overcome her love of all things that rhyme with -ack. The Whitster is determined to show all those current divas what a real set of pipes can do. J. Lo and Britney can just retire right now because Whitney is set to blow them away when her stint in rehab is over. Bobby tells me that Whitney is ready to return to her Grammy winning ways and make a kick-ass album, showing us that you really can fall down, lay in your own vomit and then get back up again. But he insists he be with her in the studio so they can "work together" meaning he can supply her with mind altering drugs and rough her up if she pulls any shit. Then Bobby goes on to say his wifes rehab visit will be included on his upcoming reality TV show. Let me repeat that: Bobby Brown has his own reality television show. Which is really quite a coincidence because my bulldog, Anna Wintour is also getting her own reality show. Unfortunately, Anna is not addicted to crack, speed, blow, crystal meth or cocaine. However she does enjoy the occasional martini minus the olive, but plus a jerky bone. Can you say PR move? What a way to whore your own wife out for ratings. Why not just feature her passing out and rambling incoherently? That will be included as well? Sweet. The show is bound to be a hit.
My dream is coming true!
 She's back, luv! Baby Spice. Tell me what you want, what you really really want, do you want the Spice Girls to get back together? Has it been your dream that Posh and Scary would one day share a stage together, making beautiful music once again? Do you find yourself staring at pictures of Baby Spice and wondering what ever happened to those sassy British babes with the big shoes and short skirts? Well, worry no longer. The girls are getting back together with all the original members for a world tour. This is even better than a Britney Spears concert tour with Kevin singing backup. It's better than hearing about Hilary Duff's greatest hits record coming out this summer! I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a re-release of Spiceworld, the movie that slipped through the Academy Award cracks. It was a brilliant film, truly. I can't wait for those other girls to get together, you know the ones. Porny, Skinny, Trashy, Druggie and Boobie. What a fabulous world tour that would be.
I see boobies!
 Jack Osbourne preps for his naked yoga by riding his motorcycle in the buff. I'm digging his painted toenails. The bulldog looks just like my pretty little Anna Wintour. Oh, let's hope the seat has a sani-strip on it.
 The newest trend to hit the gyms? Nude yoga! Believe it. There is nothing more soothing than the relaxing stretch of the downward dog as you look up to see a pair of ball sacs dangling in front of you. The warrior pose is nothing but powerful as your breasts swing free and the instructor places his hands on your naked flesh and manuevers your limber body into a childs pose, exposing your beef curtains for the class to view. This is the exercise that will be sweeping the nation. You can get a good workout and an eyeful at the same time. Once I tried nude tae bo and boy did I get a workout. From laughing that is. Do you think I really wanted to see dimpled, puckered flesh and beer bellies as I attempted to get a good fat burn going? So now my personal motto for nude workout session is: Just say NO.
Paris does porn with a burger
 The Parents Television Council feels that Paris Hiltons sexy Carls Jr. commercial is too porny for television. The group plans to protest the ad and will ask the FCC to rule it indecent according to the LA Times. Who saw the commercial? I found it rang true to my own hamburger eating habits. Normally, I have a servant wash my car but in the rare event I'm moved to clean my own vehicle, the first thing I do is hit the fast food joint for a grease dripping burger with extra onions. Then I pull into the driveway and don my string bikini with the crotchless bottoms. I fill up the bucket with my hose then go to town on my burger while I let the sauce gather between my breasts. I wash the car and myself at the same time while the neighborhood boys gather around and volunteer to wax my chassis. The president of the company who owns Carls Jr. defends the ad saying that Paris appeals to their target demographic which is not horny teens with a passion for big buns and soap, but hungry young guys. See, you put Brad Pitt in a thong and have him washing his bicycle while munching on a chicken nugget and the ladies will be lined up around the corner for a piece of that. It's all in the marketing.
American Idol
 Is anyone going to be watching the season finale of American Idol tonight or will you be tuning into Rob and Amber's two hour wedding on CBS? It's a really difficult decision and I won't know until the very last minute what my choice will be. I can reveal that I will not be watching The Contender, that is certain. Bo "I'm missing a back molar" Bice is due to sing "Inside Heaven," "Long, Long Road" and "Vehicle," while Carrie Underwood, is slated to deliver "Inside Heaven," "An Angel Brought Me Here Today" and "Independence Day." I was really excited but then realized "Inside Heaven" is not the "Just Like Heaven" tune by The Cure that I like so much. I think its a ballad written just for the show and each will make it their own, if you know what I mean. Who do you think will take home the title of American Idol? My prediciton is that Bo will be this years Ruben while Carrie will be the female Clay.
 Renee Zellweger couldn't be happier with her tight Wrangler jeans wearing country boy, Kenny. She says, "He understands me and my life... and he is really cute." Well, I beg to differ but to each his own. Remember how I feel about air tight pants and large belt buckles not to mention ten gallon hats and people who chew tabacco. Poor Renee didn't even get a real wedding ring. Everything happened so fast, Kenny tells us that he never even had a chance to propose. That Renee! She knew she had to beat Ben Affleck and Tom Cruise to the alter so her name would be in the paper. Cinderella Man, her new movie just came out. What is it with stars and timing their weddings and baby news right around the premieres? It's good PR. Remind me of that when I have news to announce. I'll coordinate it with the release of my new movie and Playboy centerfold. Mrs. Chesney is also set to appear in Kenny's new music video and has even agreed to waive her usual fee, isn't that nice of her? She will be riding a mechanical bull wearing ass- less chaps while Kenny is the rodeo clown who captures her heart. Maybe she can be eating a Carls jr hamburger to the tune of "Slow Hand" and we can all tie this up with a big endorsement. And if Renee and Kennys love is not enough to stimulate your gag reflex, Renee plans to produce a film based on her incredible journey to finding true love after dating both George "I don't wear condoms" Clooney and Jim "Im just a big bully" Carey. Renee cannot believe all that has happened to her and jotted her thoughts and feelings down in a unicorn diary with a little gold key. She plans to turn her words into a script. Although she won't cast herself in the lead role, she "plans to dedicate it to Kenny and the happiness he has brought to her life". Talk to me after the divorce papers have been signed, 'kay?
 I hate when I date or marry a guy who is skinnier than me! It sucks to be the big one in bed. I guess Jennifer Lopez Anthony doesn't mind. If she didn't have her hair styled like Pebbles Flintstone, she would be Marc's height. With that extra couple of inches, she is bit taller. But no matter how you slice it, she out weighs him. Are her pockets like saddlebags? You don't need a purse with ginormous pocketry like that. She keeps all kind of things in there: a bootleg copy of Gigli, a hair brush, a pack of toothpicks, hair gel, season one dvd of Alias, P. Diddy's silver tooth, a ferret, a gerbil, an extra pair of sunglasses, the deed to Ben's house in Georgia, a protein bar and colon blow for Marc. I do like her pink sweatshirt and even though its 115* here in southern CA, I'll take a free one.
Free melon!
 Is Britney smuggling cantelopes in her shirt? Can't she pay for her food? Oh, its the thrill of getting caught isn't it. That's why rich people steal, always an adrenaline rush. Brit, pay for your produce! Britney, I would love to introduce you to something I call " maternity clothes". Amazing really. When you are with child, there is a place you can shop where- and now this is really something- they have clothes to fit your expanding figure! I know, for real! I ain't shitting you. Try as she might, Britney cannot fit into clothes from the juniors department nor can she borrow Jamie Lynn's shirts. You know the day is going to come when we will see Brit out and about wearing a pair of slippers and an industrial strength bra because quite simply, nothing else will fit. I hope she plans on nursing because it would be a real shame to waste those plentiful jugs on Kevin only. Sources say he loves to be dressed like a baby, diapered and spanked and now, breastfed. He has a big pacifier and bib too. Just think about that for a moment. I hear Kevin sprinkles Miracle Gro on her boobs at night while she sleeps, then he gets his little plastic watering can, water's her chest and watches them expand just like Sea Monkeys. He is one sly bastard.
 This is Angelina's ex-husband, Johnny Lee Miller. He is sporting what I like to call Unibomber Chic or Escaped Mental Patient Couture. Scraggly beard, wild eyes and rumpled clothes. The look attracts all kind of women. I believe Ethan Hawke is a fan of this popular way of dressing. Daniel Day Lewis also partakes in the trend of dressing like a cardboad box dweller but he likes to add a splash of color and wraps a pink tie around his neck. Angelina is gazing at him like a teenager in love, clutching her school books to her chest."Gee Johnny, can we go to the ice cream parlor together?" No matter how she looks at him however, we hear that she is still involved with the Pittster and son Maddox likes Brad very much. He even wanted to cut his mohawk in order to look more like Brad. Aww, now they look... exactly nothing alike. I want to see if Angie and Brad show up together at the premiere of Mr. and Mrs. Smith, hanging all over each other, licking each others ears and exchanging vials of bat droppings. I hear the movie is muy caliente! I can't wait to see it. I'll be at the premiere with my stretch Hummer and my boyfriend and if the movie gets really steamy, I may step out and you know...apply that lip plumping stuff.
Estee Paltrow
 Our favorite macrobiotic dieter Gwyneth Paltrow, will be replacing that old hag, Liz Hurley as the face of Estee Lauder cosmetics. She will appear in an ad for Pleasures, a perfume from Estee. It actually smells quite nice, I used to wear it a few years ago. Other than that I try to stay away from Estee. When I think of Estee Lauder, I think of old wrinkled ladies with heavily powdered skin, wearing a big fur coat, a gaudy ring on each finger asking for the cloyingly potent Youth Dew. I do not know of anyone in my own hip circle of trendy fashionistas who wears Estee Lauder. Yes, I am well aware the conglomerate owns several different branches of cosmetic giants including Clinique, MAC, Origins and Revlon. Gwyn stands to make millions as a spokesperson and I can't fault her for signing on the dotted line. Heck if I got the chance, I would do the same. Except I'd like to be the face of Benefit, Stila or Burger King. Tampons or douche- no thanks. Presenting the new face of the caramel frappucino, Distressed Jeans! Yes. Yes. I see it now.
 Home Alone star Macaulay Culkin is set to pen a literary masterpiece based on his troubled childhood. He recently signed a deal with Miramax books, meanwhile I'm searching high and low for an agent to represent my own novel which has nothing to do with my childhood or my fame. Or Mac Culkin or Michael Jackson. Or my dream of being famous and wearing glorious clothes, but enough about me! Mac "divorced" his parents so he could control his millions. Perhaps this was part of his long term goal, knowing someday he would be able to write about the emancipation. I hear it's very cathartic to write about your childhood. Does anyone want to read about my braces and headgear? Culkin's novel Junior is, and I have to quote this, "a dizzying kaleidoscope of words and images. Culkin takes readers on a twisted tour of the darkest corners of his fertile imagination. Part memoir, part rant, part comedic tour de force, Junior is full of the hard-won wisdom of Culkin's quest to come to terms with the awesome pressures of childhood mega-stardom and family dysfunction." Hard- won wisdom? Isn't he only, like twenty five years old? But you know me, I'm always interested in a twisted tour of dark and frightening corners. Sounds like the book may come with a complimentary package of magic mushrooms to accompany the head splitting, stomach jarring, diarrhea inducing ride of a book.
 Paris, demonstrating how she calls out "Oh oh Oh Paris!!" during intimate moments with her self- titled boyfriend, Paris. Thanks for the visual! No bra? I detect nips. Nice.
 Trying to prove everyone wrong and appear to be happily married without the Johnny Knoxville affair hanging over them like a big black fart cloud , Nick and Jessica walk hand in hand. They sure do look in love! I like Nick's pants but not the Timberland construction boots. Her rolled up jeans make Jessica's legs look stocky. Ladies, do not repeat that at home! Her brown shoes remind me of gladiator sandals with an uncomfortable curly toe and a dagger- like heel. Who is her stylist? I give points for the enormous leather bag which is so great for carrying around various pets and drugs and I do like the belt. As I have told her many times before, a happy smile is worth more than the best clothes money can buy. Cheer up Jessica! You have big boobs, millions of dollars and a hot hubby. What more is there?
 Lindsay should not have been so quick to announce she is going to be in the next Mission Impossible movie. Elisha Cuthbert who stars in the House of Wax movie with Paris "blow job lips" Hilton, has been talking to producers and may end up with the starring role. Take that Lohan! Elisha may be a strung out druggie too but at least she has hips. At this point, casting will be determined by who has the highest body fat index and who will be willing to hear Tom Cruise yammer about Scientology endlessly between takes.
 Nice jacked up grill there, Cruise. Tom Cruise wants to recommend vitamins, not Paxil for actress Brooke Sheilds who suffered from depression after she gave birth to her daughter. Tom, obviously a scholar of depressive behavior and treatment, told Access Hollywood, "These drugs are dangerous. I have actually helped people come off. When you talk about postpartum, you can take people today, women, and what you do is you use vitamins." That's really something. Because I've been singing the praises of my Prozac while endorsing Flintsones chewables. Tom goes on to vomit forth wise words saying, "There is a hormonal thing that is going on, scientifically, you can prove that. But when you talk about emotional, chemical imbalances in people, there is no science behind that. You can use vitamins to help a woman through those things." Really! So when can I book an appointment with Tom to talk through my addiction to prescription drugs? And please clarify this for me because I just do not recall, when was he last pregnant? I've got Gwyneth telling me not to consume hydrogenated oils and white flour, Tom is forcing me to walk away from my beloved mental health happy pills, Nicole Kidman is reminding me not to drink caffeine and Goldie Hawn is requesting I stop using hair spray because I'm wearing my own personal hole through the ozone. I just can't take the pressure! Let me eat what I want, when I want and take my drugs and use my hairspray.
The little people
 Mary Kate Olsen, with her boyfriend in Europe over this weekend. MK looks like a character from Sesame Street, a little hand puppet from the Muppet Factory. The green scarf makes it look as though her shoulders sprout from beneath her ears. Is she wearing Nana's lace tablecloth and an antique dust ruffle as a dress? Big sunglasses, big hat, little girl. I wonder if her boyfriend is afraid if he touches her, she will shatter like a crystal figurine. She might be about as big as Verne Troyer at this point. The incredible shrinking Olsen twin. Did you see the cigarette in her hand? It's longer than her fingers. I don't think I've ever seen MK looking more pathetic and child-like. We need to put a photo of her on a coffee can and leave it next to the register at the grocery store, like one of Jerry's kids. A telethon to Help Save MK.
 White beret? Check! Big bag full of Colon Blow and Ex-lax? Check! A days supply of coke? Check! Flashdance- inspired off- the- shoulder designer shirt with ugly pattern? Check! Vintage spandex-lycra clingy leggings circa 1989? Check! Oh Lohan, please don't try to bring back that fashion fart of my highschool years. Why do this to me? At least could you choose something a little more flattering like teased bangs and big winged hair? Not the leggings! Even a Tapper Keeper or neon socks would be better than skin tight pants.
Heidi- just like you and me!
 Heidi Klum may be a gorgeous top model whose ex-boyfriend, Flavio is hanging out with Paris Hilton in Europe, but she is just like you and me without the cosmetic enhancement! It's a real thrill when we can view a beautiful woman looking real. Black roots and pale skin, circles around her eyes, Heidi and I could be twins before I spackle on the MAC! Thank you, Klumster, for letting us see what you really look like.
 When I was in Miami a few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to spend the night with Colin Farrell. I know it's really quite something. Naturally I turned him down because I'm involved with Baron Conrad Van Schnabel, a jewel appraiser and jazz enthusiast. I find Colin to be a bit rough around the edges which is how I like my men, meow! But Colin, aside from being rough in all the right places, is also dirty and stinky and reeks of cigarettes. Not a very good conversationalist, he cannot string together a sentence without the use of the word, "fooking" at least twelve times. He is in need of a good eyebrow wax and a new pair of jeans and I know he goes commando so changing pants is a must. Instead of spending the night together, wrapped up in untucked, sweat- soaked sheets and sharing countless pints of a dark ale that tastes like horse piss, I suggested Colin get a hair cut and a shave and head over to the spa for a full body wash with a Swedish hose. He said I was "fooking crazy" and then asked if I had Ricky Martin's phone number. I didn't, but I offered Vin Diesel's and he eagerly accepted.
Tommy and Tara: The Shlongmobile
 Oh dear Lord, please do not let these two procreate. Although Tara does have the milk filled cow titties that seem to beg for infant and grown men suckling. We already discussed the fact Tommy would have to go through a vasectomy reversal but if Tara has nice feet he might just be inclined to do it. Suddenly my brain is filled with visions of Chaotic but Tommy and Tara style. Odd camera angles and incoherent ramblings. Strange body parts. A close up of something long and flesh toned. The good news is Tommy can communicate with big words and is able to form sentences with a subject and a predicate. And Tara is a self proclaimed genius so she will most likely be able to finally explain the laws of physics to me while translating Madame Curie's notes on radium in French. Finally, a show we can all enjoy!
The Vampire, MK
 Mary Kate loved the movie Interview With A Vampire so much she tried to recreate the look with her own hand. Please note the pale, floury skin and the blood stained red lips. The scary eyes with a hint of crimson and pink like a lab rat. Is that one of those silken bed jackets that rich old ladies wear over their pajamas? Anyhoo, Ann Rice would be so proud and a bit turned on, I think. I'm reminded of the classic film, Weekend at Bernies when they carried around that corpse and no one noticed the guy was actually dead. Is Mary Kate...like, still alive?
 Gwyneth is concerned baby Apple might become a freakazoid. Not because she is named after a fruit that brings up images of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden or the nasty fruit the witch gave Snow White. No, nothing with the name. Gwyn is worried about what Apple consumes. "Its very healthy right now. But she's her own person and I will respect who she is. If she doesn't want to be vegetarian or she wants to eat hydrogenated oils and fairy cakes at birthday parties, that's fine. " Little girl, can you say hydrogenated oils? Those are evil, Apple! Those transfats are horrible! Mc Donalds is an evil place filled with bad, bad foods. You can have a delicious plate of sprouts and flax oil for a snack. You know how children just love to munch on uncooked pinto beans for a healthy treat. Paltrow also states, "I'm not going to be a controlling over-protective hippy. I don't want her to be a freak." You don't want her to be a freak? Well, it's good you gave her a normal name so kids won't make fun of her. I mean, think of poor Peaches Geldof. Imagine! Naming your daughter Peaches! Yes, Gwyn. You really gave her a head start in the freak category.... Apple? Good thing she's cute.
espresso colored Madge
 At first I thought it must be a mean and weird joke. I mean just LOOK! But Madonna has been turned into an African coffee trader to help 'boost fair trade'. Does that mean Starbucks will raise their prices? Because $4 for a mocha is a little steep as is. And the coffee is never as hot as I would like. Will Madonna do something about that? I'll call and suggest a peanut butter coffee beverage insisting that she make that happen. The transformation isn't makeup or hours spent at Mystic Tan, it is the result of work by digital artists to change Madonna into coffee trader Alivera Kilza. I'd like to see her face on the body of a donkey or made over as Juan Valdez. No, make her the donkey, that I'd love to see! eee-aww
 Before the big PR move to make Katie and Tom appear to be a couple in love, Tom turned down a date with actress Fran Drescher. That would have been an interesting match. But Fran is simply to old and set in her ways to be taken over to the dark side. Heres the scenario: the two were at a party. Fran saw Tom and thought cha-ching, baby! Fran was like, "Tom, lets go out for a drink sometime." Wink, wink. And Tom said, "You know I'm gay!" No he did not! But he did repy, "You know I don't drink anything but Scientology water." And Fran was all, "Hello! 'Going for a drink' means let's get together. Let's hang out. Let's eventually plan on having sex. Duh-uh!" And he said, 'Well thank you anyway', and Fran was all, "Whatever." Tom dissed the Nanny! He likes his chicks young and dense, covered in fever sores with an intimate knowledge of James Ver der Beek's dressing room. Sorry Fran!
You're making me mad, Nick!
 Why me? Are you talking shit about me again, Nick? Are you laughing about my oriental carpet tunic shirt? My extensions, what about them? Didn't you know I was going to remake a Nancy Sinatra song? Yeah! With Willie Nelson. Shit, Nick. Cut me some slack! Johnny Knoxville was one blow job, big deal. And Fred Durst was just showing me something. Bam Magera? He just gave me some stuff to drink and told me it would make me feel nice. And I wanted a dog I could carry in my purse, not something that would actually, you know, have to walk!
Menage a trois
 Brittany Murphy is all, "I dont even know these people. Why are we rubbing against each other? You know, I dated Ashton Kutcher? Punk'd was my idea." Jessica Simpson is like, "Whoa daddy! Carmen's boobies are smaller than mine. She's purty!" And Carmen is thinking, "I am so wasted. And why is Jessica staring at me? I'll pretend I don't notice and then invite Nick up for a threesome."
 Do you wish your lips were fuller and had the allure of a dime store hooker minus the cheap red lipstick? Do you want to plump your lips like a Ballpark hotdog? Does the idea of inflatable lips get you excited? Do you want to look just like Paris Hilton? And finally, do you want to be "cool" and "hot" at once? If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, The Hollywood Prescription is for you. I know I will be buying the product when the tag line offers so much imagery. I want to be hot and cool. But I would prefer to be sweaty yet chilly. Boiling yet frosty. Sweltering but cold.
Now thats a rump roast
 Jennifer Lopez is really considerate. Instead of demanding a cushion for her chair, she brings along her own. Just tucks it in her undies and off she goes. If you rub her ass, a genie will appear out of a cloud of smoke and grant you three wishes. Ben Affleck did it on a yacht in her music video and his wishes were granted~ 1. Somehow, I wish we could put an end to this "Bennifer" crap. 2. I wish her next album would tank, finally confirming she cannot sing. 3. If she runs against me for President, surely I'll win.
Pile on the manure a little more
 Katie is amazing! She is magnificent! I am completely and totally disgusted at the Tom and Katie bullshit we are being force-fed through every tabloid and news source. I liken this whole crappy PR move to a pile of freshly manufactured, still steaming, heap of horse manure. Tom is tells Billy Bush : "I've got to tell you something, I'm not going to hide it. I am so happy, and I am not going to pretend or hide it or be shy. This woman is magnificent. I'm having the best time, and I'm really, really happy and I can't contain it." Let me translate for you: "I'm so excited. I just can't hide it. I'm about to lose control and I think I like it." If you need further proof that Tom is gayer than a pink silk bedroom with leopard print pillows and the boisterous tunes of Liberace's piano in the background, Tom says, "I've seen Dawsons Creek and I've seen her work and you go, Man, that girl is really talented." Was he forced to watch Dawsons Creek? Did he also watch Melrose Place? Was he an avid fan of Beverly Hills 90210? DO I HAVE DUMB WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
Paris loves dog collars
 You know what? Dogs are people too. Seriously, the fashion world was long overdue for canine couture. I think doggie cell phones are going to be a new must have for the fall and how about mini toe rings and ear piercing? It is a serious market out there and we dog lovers will stop at nothing to make sure our beloved animals get the best of the best. This includes leather jackets, faux fur headbands, diamond necklaces, buckwheat pillows, doggie caviar, spring water, imported foie gras and feng shui experts who can properly arrange the house for ultimate relaxation from a dogs point of view. I've had it done and now Anna Wintour is much more relaxed; while licking her butt, she has such a sense of calm. When she takes a dump in the grass, there is a serene glow about her which fills my heart with peace. Paris Hilton, that marketing genius knows what every bitch wants. She is getting ready to take over the world with her new dog perfume under the Tinkerbell Hilton name, but Bambi will star in the print ads. Paris will be launching a perfume, shampoo and conditioner. Although Anna Wintour is partial to the Aveda line, I'm sure she will approve. Paris cannot bring herself to stoop to such a low, disgusting, pedestrian level as to use those "horrific pet products on the market right now so she decided to come out with a range of her own." Amen to that, sister. And Anna would also like a mascara that lengthens and curls.
 If I could have five minutes alone with Brit, I would set her straight about fashion. First off darling, any dress that falls around your knees creates a tree stump leg. Second, although a nice color, the dress belongs on someone about forty years older than you. I know, I know. Its comfortable- but my mantra is "we must suffer to look good." Lastly poodle, that had better be decaf iced tea and not an iced espresso. That fetus already has Red Bull running through its veins. Jamie-Lynn looks a bit heavy but I'm going to cut her some slack because she is just a kid and I rather see someone on the healthy side than sickly thin like Skeletor. I'm happy her hair isn't bleached. Brit, I hope you aren't braggin about your sex life with Kevin to your sister. Since you have placentia previa, I don't think you can have sex but blow jobs are okay. Oops. Have I said too much? On a related front, Kevvie displayed his bottomless intelligence by telling David Letterman that those bitches on “Desperate Housewives” are like, friggin “has beens. They be like sixty years old, man.” I think he was trying to say that his new reality series was better than the popular tv show. Britney, who enunciates much better than her husband, summed it up like this: "It's like American Idol, except no one sleeps with Paula Abdul."
He cheated! lipstick available soon!
 Shar Jackson, the bitter ex, lipstick maker and mother of four, confides that "dancer" Kevin Federhigh can't handle the strain of being married to Britney. He can't handle having yet another child, not that he does much with the two he already fathered. Also the poor guy is trying to make a career for himself and dammit, everyone is putting so much pressure on him! He is an emotional person. Such a deep well of feelings and a delicate constitution that he can't deal with the weight of a sudden marriage and a third child. What about his needs, has anyone given him any consideration? He is trying to be a rap star, people. Children just screw up his gangsta image. Plus he can't smoke pot around them. Little people are such a drag, man. Ms. Jackson frequently talks to Kevin and is the sounding board for Kev' s many, many problems. She told said: "In the past year he's broken up with me, been through a bizarre wedding and become father to a new baby, with me, and another on the way with Britney." HOW MUCH CAN HE TAKE? The house in Malibu has a sewage problem and not he minds a little filth now and then, but the house is simply uninhabitable. Please give to the Kevin Federcrap fund and send your thoughts and prayers in the form of money, free sex and drugs.
Me name be Cathy!
 reader submitted photo. thank you! Catherine Zeta Jones used to be a peasant, really! She was a poor, chubby-cheeked street sweep who didn't even know where Bermuda was located. She also favored horrendous hot pink lipstick and bright chartreuse cowel neck sweaters! Is this the Catherine that Michael "turkey gobbler neck" Douglas fell in love with?
No such thing as natural beauty
 I feel so freaking used! And fooled. Natalie Portman, you bitch! You were gorgeous and then you had to go and refine your already perfect nose? What up? I already knew she had a little something done but these photos (posted on the awfulplasticsurgery.com board) really show the difference. So the message is this: If you have a nice nose it can be made smaller. Boobs can always be bigger. Much bigger. Hair can be blonder. If you're thin, you need to be super- skinny and there are thousands of dealers looking to hook you up in LA. Lips should be fuller. Cheeks can always be made sharper. Natural beauty? No such thing. Maybe I should be applauding shark teeth Laetitia in the photo below. Letty, I take it back. Good for you for not giving in! But those teeth look like they could open an aluminum can.
Snaggletooth
 For a supermodel, Laetitia Casta has some of the ugliest snaggle teeth I have ever seen in my entire life. I viewed this photo last night and had nightmares about giant bicuspids attacking my Prada collection. Between Paris Hilton's ugly toes and Laetitia's teeth, I think I need another Xanax and a blindfold. Please use viewing discretion when looking at the above photo and should you experience dizziness, nausea, vomiting, headache, rash, gaut, blood loss, fainting or stomach upset, please close out and take to your bed with a flask of whiskey and a bag of ice. I'll send Letty a coupon for Smile Care and we can all rest a bit easier.
Just say no to Botox!
 Raise your hand if you think Cindy Crawford looks like an Asian woman. Darling, a little nip here and tuck there is acceptable once you really do have wrinkles like a shar-pei. But getting an eye and brow lift when you are barely out of your thirties is ridiculous. Did you detect just the whisper of a wrinkle by your eye and decide to hike up half your face to the back of your head? I saw the surgery when I was in med school and it's not pretty. In fact, it's rather gross. The doctor pulls your skin up and staples it to your skull with industrial staples from Home Depot. Apparently Cindy likes the "no expression" look and has succombed to steady botox injections so she can appear perpetually surprised. I hear her husband cheats and she's bisexual. That has nothing to do with her wonky eyes but interesting nonetheless.
 Poor Paris! She must have swimmers ear. I hate it when I get water in my ear and have to cock my head to the side and jump on one foot to get it out! She is currently hawking her self titled perfume. I do believe it smells like damp hotel towels and dirty bedsheets, her own personal scent. We love smelling like a whore!
Have you met the Bony Twins
 Have you met my new friends, Crystal and Meth? Lionel Richie can deny deny deny all he wants but Nicole has issues with eating, obviously. We are not dumb Lionel. We may have been taken in with the blind girl falling in love with you in the "Hello" video and that you can really dance on the ceiling, but come on. Naturally skinny girls are lovely and those with a high metabolism are simply lucky bitches. But these two? Starvation and ex-lax coupled with mega doses of drugs is how they stay so skeletal, dont be fooled. Some day those two are going to rub together and ignite sparks, that's what happens when you rub twigs together. Lindsay is a shadow of her former self as we have discussed time and time again. Can we stage an intervention? Is it too late? If Lindsay doesn't go into cardiac arrest from her hard core partying lifestyle, she is slated to take over for Scarlett "sex in an elevator with Benecio del Toro" Johansson in the next Mission: Impossible movie. She will head into training for a few weeks and hopefully her trainer will advise her to bulk up. When I look at her bony body, I forget all about her hideous bright yellow hair.
Chaotic and toxic
 I just lost one hour of my life watching Chaotic. If Kevin was in charge of spelling, it would have been "K-otik". Like a moth drawn to a flame, I am pulled towards Britney by an unexplained force. I am way too interested in the life of the Federline's to classify as mentally sane. I was very upset that my channel guide showed the program on at six pm, meaning I missed the grand premiere of what was to be the best reality show ever to grace my television screen. I needed a vodka tonic and a Xanax immediately. Hours later, too drunk to change the channels, I was pleasantly surprised when the enormous oily face of Britney filled my screen and the heavenly angels sang a chorus that went: "Youre so toxic, blah blah, with a something something, your love is...toxic" Sobering up, I was left with thoughts and questions I think only Britney can answer. Maybe not. For a guy from Fresno, why does Kevin speak with a southern accent? Is he from Fresno, Alabama? Even when Britney was having her hair combed, it still looked like a homing pigeon was making a nest in her hair. Why? She obviously has consumed too much Red Bull, the camera was jumpy and jittery and I will precede the next viewing with a Dramamine tablet. An instruction manual will provide you with instructions on how to use the video camera. Nice views of England, thanks. Kevin- meet shampoo. Shampoo- please do your job. Did you find yourself wishing the camera would zoom in a little lower when Kev was in the shower? Mo thinks Kevin is a punk. I agree. Kevin is not what I would call articulate. He speaks slowly. I would like to reach into his throat and grab the words out faster. Spit it out, Federline! Kev doesn't offer a personality. He just is. Neither Kev nor Brit like the idea of marriage. Hmmm. Britney laughs like a donkey- heeheeHAW heehaw The sex with K. is ecstasy. Please use precaution and douse yourself with Cipro if you should be so lucky. Britney runs? I reached for the remote several times yet I couldn't turn away from the odd camera angles and fuzzy view of Brit's life. I especially enjoyed her in depth questions. It was very intense and classy. It reminded me a bit of Masterpiece Theater.
Eva Vanginia
 I don't mean to be totally crude but Eva Longoria must have a miraculous vagina- the girls gives more rides than Seabiscuit and the guys are literally lining up to be with her. What is it, Eva? Do you know some top secret sex tricks or did you put a spell on the entire male population of Hollywood? Share with us, please! Eva was recently spotted with Star Wars actor Hayden Christiansen. At least she wasn't cuddling up to George Lucas because that would have been revolting. Eva met Hayhay at a party and he immediately fell under her spell, not leaving her side all night, like a barnacle clinging to an old ship. According to an onlooker, "they spent the night pawing each other and they left around 3:30 am." Back to the hotel of course! Young men like Hayden can go for hours and hours.
She can add another notch to her bed post! In only a short time, she has been seen with JC Chazez, actor Sean Faris, basketball player Tony Parker and actor Butch Klein. Recently she sported a shirt offering to have Brad Pitt's baby. Next up, a date with Nick Lachey! But maybe not, she says: "I do wish I had that gay experience, because I think women are beautiful creatures. They're much more attractive naked than men. And it sounds like fun. Maybe I'm just holding out for the future." Forget Nick, hello Jessica!
A man of many talents
 Wilmer Valderamadiarreha is just not content to act on That 70's Show and have sex with Ashlee Simpson and all the other barely legal girls who have graced the cover of Seventeen magazine. Instead, he has set his sights on much, much bigger things. Wilmer wants to be a modern day P. Diddy. While he isn't ready to commit to designing tire rims, a seriously untapped market, Wilmer is planning on launching a clothing line. It better feature polyester and mock turtlenecks for men, that look is hot! I see lots of orange and brown, a few pieces of lime green and please, Wilmer, bring back the moon boot. Perhaps a self titled fragrance? Call it: Wilmerama lama ding dong. It's got such a ring to it, no? He aint stopping there! Theres no holding him back. He is going to "make things happen" and is planning a new comedy series and an animated tv program. I hope the animated show features skinny coke heads partying and acting dumb, going home with strange men and dropping into various hospitals for "exhaustion". That formula is always a hit. It's going to be called, Drunk'd. So clever!
 Nice zippered crotch. Very easy access! J Lo. thinks she might be pregnant. What a copycat! I hear she was totally crushed when she learned of the Garner-Affleck pregnancy. It was her and Ben that were supposed to have a child together! Dammit! According to one of my trusty tabloids, Ben and Jen discussed having a baby and giving birth to Benny Junior was J. Lo's dream. But no longer. She took to her satin covered bed and lit candles when she heard of the big news. It hurts, people. It hurts bad. She is forced to view Jennifer Garner's big ears and slightly swollen tummy on every magazine cover. Quicker than you can say "Impregnate" Jenny from the Block is insisting she might be with child as well. Take that, Affleck! "For the first time ever, I woke up in the middle of the night starving. I really wanted to get up and eat. I thought, 'Oh dear, I can't start that habit.' At 10am I got up and had four eggs." What she means to say is, "At 10am, I woke up and ordered my personal maid to make me four organic eggs. Then I demanded Canadian bacon and freshly squeezed orange juice with a side of caviar flown in from France. I forced her to serve me breakfast in bed and then made her repeat it all over again, this time with a single white calla lily in a Waterford crystal vase on my breakfast tray!" She then sent a case of ice cream, a vat of lard and a box of Whitman's chocolates to Jennifer Garner with a note urging her to "eat up".
Naked mole rat?
 Lindsay Lohan's hairline has receded so far back that I hear she is being fitted for a Burt Reynolds style toupee. Her hair now begins in the middle of her cranium and I would like to suggest a quick remedy called "bangs". Sally Beauty sells clip-on hair she might be able to stick on her head and pretend like she isn't anorexic and drug addicted. Hair loss is a sign of illness. If La Lohan sprouts fine facial hair like a laboratory rat, you know something funky is going on. PS Is that a red Kabbalah string around her wrist? It matches her chipped red nails. Classy!
Hello? Dad, its me. I need more money. NOW
 Paris and her ruddy faced, preppy father talk via cell phones even through they are next to each other. What are they saying? Paris plays like Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka and insists, "Daddy! I want the cashmere- leather- diamond-camel hair-silk Balenciaga bag RIGHT NOW." Having to speak face to face is so passe! Puh-leeze! The coolest of the cool communicate via cell phones all the time! I think Paris would look great with an ear piece like a telephone operator, except hers would have to be studded with rubies and diamonds.
You were right...
 Guess whose feet? I detect a bit of fungus around the nail bed. You were right, Paris Hilton!
 Does Pamela Anderson ever look in the mirror, thrust out her tits and say, "What have I done to myself?"
 If I were a casting director, which I'm not, I would sign Sharon Stone to be Lindsay Lohan's mother in a major motion picture right this second. Is Britney's new movie casting yet? Looks like Sharon has been hitting the mystic tanning bed and slathering her Clarins self tanner all over herself, even remembering to tan her implants and arm pits. Her extensions are lovely, if not a little thin. If I didn't know better I would think this is one of those teenagers who have been partying too much and look like a fifty year old smoker with overly tanned skin- but wait! Close enough.
Chinese crested hairless Natalie
 Nataline Portman may be donning a naked noggin for an upcoming role but I think this should be a new trend! I say every woman in Hollywood shave her head, and let's not stop there, they should gain forty or fifty pounds too! Look like the rest of us but you know, worse. The esteem of women everywhere would go sky high if only those actresses looked a bit more flawed. Although Nat's had a bit of help from a skilled plastic surgeon. Check it out and click here. Personally I wouldn't shave my head for any amount of money, sexual favors or drugs, but that's just me and I'm totally vain. If you have a perfect face with even features like Natalie then it doesn't look so bad, in fact she looks kind of Sinead O' Conner, frail and off-beat. Lets see how many music videos she can work herself into before the hair grows out and I predict some magazine covers as well.
Brown is the new blonde!
 Is everyone coloring their hair brown? See, every girl wants to be a latina. Sorry chickies, you have to be born with it. We sexy mami's are muy caliente! Sarah Michelle Geller takes a page from Faith Hill's book and dyes her hair chocolate brown. I hear Freddie did it himself, he is quite handy with the rubber gloves and a box of dye. Now she looks just like her husband, they could be brother and sister! Remember the movie with Reese Witherspoon and Selma "dead eyes" Blair called Cruel Intentions? She was brunette back then. Sarah Michelle went back to L'oreal Preference No. 9 with highlights by Clairol shortly after the movie came out. Again, Freddie is wonderful with a highlighting cap, he works magic. A few years later and now we're back to brown. I suggest a nice red with golden highlights next. Or shave it all off. That look is hot!
How cute!
 Is that Katie and her dad before she heads off to homecoming? No, its the prom king and queen at the highschool event of the year! Tom, can your grin get any bigger? Katie, can your dress have more ruffles? Is there a flask hidden somewhere in the folds of her dress? Tom forgot to remind Katie to put her girdle on before pouring herself into the gown, tsk tsk. You know even the slightest belly in Hollywood will cause gossip columnists to run to their computers and start typing up an imaginary pregnancy. Silly, silly. Katie won't have sex until she gets married! However, artificial insemination is just fine.
Stop the blow
 No, people, she isn't drunk! She is sober and studying Russian literature. Obviously. Lindsay needs to stop those courses over at the Tara Reid School of Social Etiquette for Young Ladies. I almost feel sorry for her but then she did it to herself. The hair color, I mean. Why didn't she just wear a wig from the Star Jones Caucasian Collection? If you have natural red hair, do not touch it with a bottle of Nice n' Easy or you will die. No, but you will look like crap. LL appears to have been drinking random bottles of liquor and can barely keep herself upright, in fact shes using the microphone as a kickstand. That girl is going down the tubes faster than a poop induced colon blow from Mary Kate Olsen.
Its over- duh!
 Jessica Simpson is almost a free woman who can hang out at bars and pick up strangers for a night of tawdry sex. Recently she was hanging out on the red carpet, flaunting her boobs in a low-cut flamenco type dress, and enjoying herself immensely. When asked where Nick was, she giggled and said, "Nick and I aren't together. Haven't you heard? Duh!" Too bad Katie is already paid up on the Tom deal or else Jessica and Tom would be together and wouldn't that be delightful? There is no hope of rescuing the marriage between Jess and Nick. It's been over for several months according to my source. They played happy husband and wife for the trip overseas- but now that that's over, so is the union. The MTV show is done for good, so they don't have to pretend any longer and soon the ink will be dry on the divorce papers and we will see Mischa Barton on the arm of Nick Lachey. But not before Tara Reid digs her talons into Nicks big biceps. As we speak, Papa Joe Simpson is trying to negotiate "Divorcee" for MTV, a show where Jessica puts the pieces of her life back together without Nick but with the help of the whole Jackass crew. Nudity and hilarity ensues. A surefire winner all around.
 I was in Las Vegas over the weekend with my lover, Baron Conrad Von Schnabel. We stayed at the Bellagio and our room was filled with blooming jasmine and the toilet seat was solid gold trimmed in diamonds. I know it's so tough to live like this. But we did not have a limo or a very good mini bar. The tv in our room was not plasma and we didn't even get the good cable channels. I trekked up and down the strip but sadly, did not run into K. Fed and his posse of skanky escorts and Britney was sitting in her condo located in the Palms, she was most likely babysitting Kori. Searching for Sleazy, I danced on the bar top at Coyote Ugly and flung my black lace Wonderbra to some guy with mutton chops and a gold lame shirt. No K. Fed sighting. Later I found out that Brit was indeed in Las Vegas and I just missed her at MGM where she took in the show, Ka. I was totally disappointed. I was kicked out of the high rollers poker tables and asked never to return. Those pit bosses are so rude! It was a tube of lipstick I pulled out of my purse, not some kind of technologically advanced computer gaming chip. Anyway, I did glean some information: I heard Britney is going to be making a film which takes place in the world of racing. NASCAR + Britney = Redneck movie about racing. After Crossroads, Britney never bothered to create a visual feast of her theatrical talents. Until now. The movie will be called, "Trading Paint", which sounds like a spin off design show of "Trading Spaces". Naturally Brit will give herself a starring role and don't be surprised to see Kevin in the wearing a jumpsuit and toting some tires. "The plot revolves around the rivalry between two racing drivers who lost touch after both surviving a terrible crash, according to industry magazine Screen International. Years later they are brought together for a final race by a young woman - a part likely to be played by Britney." Are you as excited as I am? Luckily we have Britney and Kevin: Chaotic to hold us over. Set your Tivo, people.
 While I am away, let me leave you with this image. Ponder. Talk amongst yourselves.
 Okay I am totally convinced that in order to be a country singer- even though Faith Hill is totally cross over top 40- one must need super air-tight pants. Faith demonstrates "white jean camel toe" in this photo. The only thing worse is "white spandex pants camel toe". I understand now. Tight pants = high notes. The tighter the pants, the higher the notes you can sing. As you will also notice, Faith has colored her hair brown following in the footsteps of other celebs who are fed up with touching up their roots every three weeks. Cute outfit but I'm taking points away for unnecessary vaginal tightness.
 See, everything is fine with Nick and Jessica! Here Nick demonstrates their sex swing which hangs in the spare room of their new mansion. Since Jessica can be a bit rough in the sack, he must don protective gear and belt up.
 Cameron Diaz is such a two timing slut! The gossip over her cheating is as rampant and wild as a rabid coyote. Its out of control. Photos and detailed descriptions of her rendevous with another man is makes me feel sick and suddenly I have strange swelling and leakage from odd places. Was she french kissing this guy or is she true to Justin who is recovering from his throat surgery? Damn you Cam! If you break his tender heart, I will come after you with my manicured hands and steal your pimple cream. After Britney cheated on Justin with her choerographer, the devestation made Justin sink into a creative depression from which sprouted the chart topping hit, Cry Me A River. If the reports of Camerzit are true, what will our Justin do? What kind of ballad can he pull out of his weeping sorrow this time? Shhhh, come here Justin. I'll give you what you need. By the way, Cameron has three double chins and flat hair.
Xtina shakes her thang
 No she isn't getting a rectal check! Christina Aguilera is getting her groove on at a lesbian bar. You go girl! Speaking of clubs and bars and stuff, I'm leaving for Las Vegas tomorrow so the blog will not be updated until Sunday. Yes, I'm trying to track down K. Fed. I'll be hopping from strip club to strip club in search of the man with the puffy unlaced sneakers and the greasy stubble. Huh, I'll need an escort while Im in town to you know, show me around. I wonder if Vanessa is free? I'm packing my unicorn outfit and my tiger print thong along with my lucite stilettos and feather boa. This weekend is going to be awesome!
Summer
 This is the girl who lived in the trailer park who married the class football star who grew up to be an obnoxious, beer chugging baldy who sells pipe fittings and reeks of body odor and cigars. You may have known her in highschool. She hung out behind the dumpsters and smoked unfiltered Marlboros with the other pot heads. She wore her Wet N' Wild eyeliner thick around her eyes and liked her Gitanos skin tight and her tee shirts extra small. Didn't come to class very often. Hers was a broken home with parents who weren't around much. She had an older brother who sold drugs out of his Camaro. She was popular for one reason. You know what that reason is! Here is her photo, she appears to be fresh from a shift at the Bag N' Save. Her tits are free swinging, hair in need of a wash and roots begging for a touch-up. She is on her way to her rusted, dented Dodge Dart and then home to her three children under the age of two. Crusty, snotty, booger nosed kids. Her husband will be waiting for his Hungry-Man dinner watching a hot rod show on tv wearing nothing but a wifebeater and a pair of stained boxers. Lots of yelling goes on in that house, I assure you. She goes by the name of Summer, as in "Yep. She got sum'mer her teeth. Not all them." Wait- what? Tara Reid? Really? Are you certain? I was completely wrong about her identity. Are you sure she's not nursing a couple of kids? And working the late shift somewhere?
What?
 Brad can't really understand why people are so surprised he and Jennifer Aniston have split up. Shall I enlighten him? Because honey, in Hollywood, it's really unusual for a couple to stay married for over a year yet alone a few years. You publicly proclaimed your love for Jen telling Oprah she was "the warm fire everyone gathers around." I have a fire too Brad, its in my loins and I promise it will keep you warm. Just kidding! Not after you've been spanking Angelina. I hear she loves to suck blood and poke pins in her lovers eyes for foreplay. While I've been known to be a kinky vixen, I draw the line at intense pain and bloodshed. Hot wax, yes. Blood and knives? No. In a recent interview with GQ magazine, Mr. Pitt states, "The idea that marriage has to be for all time - that I don't understand." So what he is really trying to say that next time in the marriage vows, he would like to remove that old fashion notion of "till death do us part" and change it to "till I find someone better." I see. I conclude Brad feels permanent marriage is something he doesn't believe in. How about sharing your lettermans jacket and you can just go steady? BP is hopeful of having a family and is willing to quit acting for a few years to raise the kids. Now, if things doing work out with Angelina, I still think he and Halle Berry would make a great couple and have stunningly gorgeous babies. Celebrity Matchmaker, anyone?
Book recommendation...
 Last week I read a fabulous new book, Going Coastal, from author Wendy French. Let me tell you about Wendy. She is hilarious and has a sense of humor much like my own, meaning sarcastic and witty and brilliant. I almost got to meet her last week when I was away on my trip but she bowed out last minute for a botox injection and a quick boob job. I hear ya sister. I had to cancel lunch with Demi because I had a 1:15 colonic irrigation. from Wendy's website: "In a fit of frustration, Jody Rogers cuts the apron strings of her waitressing career, hoping to jump-start her life. She quickly discovers that, in addition to a microscopic job market, she'll have to contend with a live-in boyfriend who has someone on the side, parents too happy with their empty nest to let her move home, the "help" of her pothead brother, a best friend who has suddenly developed etiquette Tourette's, and restaurant regulars who can't seem to let go of the past In the midst of personal chaos, an invitation to her high school reunion arrives, and Jody must pull the scraps of her life together so she can not only face the music, but dance to it." I really enjoyed Wendy's style of writing and laugh- out- loud descriptions of the various characters including a gin swilling guidance counselor. I liked the authors debut novel, sMothering so much that I eagerly anticipated the arrival of Going Coastal on the book stands and spent weeks pestering Wendy as to when I could expect her newest gem. I suggest you order both novels for a double dose of laughs.
An infant Affleck on the way
 Jennifer Garner takes in some fresh air as she walks in Brentwood, obviously followed by some photographers who wanted to see her waistline. Well, folks. If you have been in Siberia or living in a cave -two places I have inhabited- you should be aware that Jen n' Ben are in fact expecting a baby together. Awwww! I find it very appropriate to send along Jennifer Lopez's cd, Re birth. And talking about that pregnancy GLOW, I'll send some of that too. While a gander into the crystal ball shows Britney to be gorging on every Hostess snack cake available and inhaling Doritos like the factory is shutting down, I think Jennifer will maintain her athletic shape while Ben carries most of the pregnancy weight. Will J. lo be invited to the wedding?
This is who Paula shagged
 Yes. Really. I'm not teasing or lying and I'm not writing pretend scenerios. This is on the fo' real. I don't know if Paula overdosed on pills and had blurry vision and a loss of hearing but this is Corey Clark, the guy who is whoring out his upcoming tell-all novel which features in depth details of his affair with poor Paula. Being Charlie Sheen's sister- in- law was bad enough! Leave her alone, you Kevin Federline wannabe with your long shirt and puff white shoes! Alas, the news is out and we are now so enlightened to know that Corey thinks Paula's breasts are real and her butt, while no rear access available, is tight and firm. She is good in bed, but not the best according to Corey. He was also engaging in some sexual escapades with another American Idol hopeful, Trenyce. At the same time he was with Paula. He was double dipping! The government, with nothing better to do apparently, is going to be investigating his claims that American Idol is a load of steamy horse manure, manipulated by the shows producers. They will launch a full investigation of Paula's private life. Paula was trying to help Corey but she got snarled in his ugly web and is now she is being taken down with only a parade of AI lawyers to defend her good name. I'm sure this will have a happy ending and she will end up having rabid monkey sex with Constantine. Look, she's in her forties and she's horny. And she loves pills. Lots of them. Give her a break!
 Wilmer-ama-lama-ding dong and Ashlee? Say it ain't so! The two hooked up a while back before Lindsay came knocking at his New York City hotel room door begging for a little late night bootie smacking. Wilmer, you whore! Now it looks like the two are "hanging out" or are "good friends" which you know is Hollywood talk for having casual sex. Lindsay is going to freaking flip her wig. But we don't care. Too much. Maybe this news will be what it takes for her to do something crazy and oh, I dont know. Darken her hair? So, the two are exchanging bodily fluids and playing hide the salami. I hope that's okay with Ashlee's dad because he went ballistic when she was sleeping with Ryan "broom hair" Cabrerra. Don't you think his last name should be Carerra, like the Porsche ? But that's neither here nor there. I guess its time to comment on her new coif. I might be very much alone here but I like it better than the raven black mullet. It always reminded me of a crow's wing styled by Edward Scissorhands. And no, that's not good. I saw Ashlee recently and asked her if she was dating anyone, coy fox told me no. But I have proof in this photo. And it appears she is pregnant, wearing that long, loose-fitting shirt. That's why we must belt our tunics, ladies. Tongues will wag and suddenly, the headlines are saying we're pregnant but we're really not. Just a little fat.
 I found a photo of Kenny Chesney and I have to be honest. He doesn't turn me on. Sorry, I'm just not into cowboy hats and love songs about beer and lost dogs and cheatin' women. I've listened to country. I'll admit to dancing to the Boot Scootin Boogie and I own a pair of cowboy boots which are somewhere gathering dust. I have never longed to line dance however and I do not own a pair of chaps. But. I think it's the acceptance of mullets and feathered hair that I really have issues with. And country music seems to be rampant with both. Its pickup trucks with gun racks and pants so tight you cant even fart in them. I hope Kenny and Renee aren't planning on having chillun's any time soon because those jeans are so snug on Kenny, his gonads have to hibernate in his stomach and that cannot be good for reproduction. Having said that, I wish them all the best. Who am I kidding? This isn't going to last!
Another Hollywood breakup
 Mischa has decided to dump her grease covered, pouty billionaire boyfriend, Brandon Davis. Finally! I've been waiting for this news forever. How much of his pudgy man tits and sour face can one girl take? Everytime I run into him, he is oily and smells like a pig on crystal meth. His hair is too long and I have reason to believe he has dandruff, clearly ignoring the bottle of Head and Shoulders I slipped into his backpack . The gossip in the hood is that he has been her drug supplier as well as her slippery love machine. Mischa loves to party like a Hilton. Plus she likes the Davis money! And now he will be earning some of his own as he graduates from USC and plans to deal art (and drugs). Misch feels Brandon is too much of a party boy. She wants to settle down but first focus on her acting career. I found out today that she was the disgusting vomit covered ghost girl in the Sixth Sense. I'm sparing you the photos. But she might enjoy a date with Haley Joel Osment. Or that little kid who looks like the Brady Bunch's cousin Oliver, Jonathon Lipnicki. Now, who can we set her up with for real? Let's play a new game I invented called, "Celebrity Matchmaker". It's really fun. I'm coming out with a boardgame version soon, but for now lets just do this: what famous guy can we set Mischa up with? I'll start: Dustin Diamond from Saved by the Bell. They would make a lovely couple. Your thoughts for a date?
 If Simon Cowell is going to insist on wearing shirts so tight that we can see his nipples, then I suggest he wear an undergarment. After calling him and leaving countless messages begging him to stop making me look at his man tits through his cotton blended extra small, snug fit shirts, I went to work on my drawing board. After several hours of sweat and hard work, I have a winner. I have come up with a prototype of something called a BRA which I think would benefit him.
Breaking news..
Mena Suvari to get a divorce! Shocker. Sharon Stone buys a kid- I mean adopts a child! Names him Laird.
Sign on the dotted line
 Do you hear what I hear? A chiming bell, indicating that our favorite closeted homo, Tom Cruise, wants to get married again. He is quoted in Readers Digest as saying "I'd like to get married. I'll tell you what I love. I like being in a relationship. That's who I am. You know, sex means something to me. When I'm with a woman, I feel that. It just means something. I want that, you know?" Sex might mean something to Tom but Katie's not dishing it out until the marriage vows are said and the ink is dry on the legal agreement. Katie stands to earn millions if she marries Tom and her box office mojo will rise until she is declared the next Sandy Bullock. Tom also wants more children besides Connor and Isabel. I wonder if they will adopt or have them the old fashion way- through a lab. Adopting bi-racial children is very hip and trendy in Hollywood, just like carrying an LV bag or wearing Seven jeans. Toting your mocha colored child to Kabbalah lessons is tres chic!
Jessica fakes her butt
 Open wide sweetie! Gossipers are pointing to Jessica Simpson's ass, analyzing the roundness and firmness saying she needed special enforcements, "bottom enhancement" if you will, to play Daisy Duke in the upcoming jigglefest, Dukes of Hazzard. Half shirts and short short cutoffs, here we come! We believe she may have been wearing those underpants with butt cheeks already sewn into them. Or, gel-filled removable ass implants. An onset source notes that, "Jessica's butt is too flat. We need a rounder, sexier rear end, and someone with better legs." Darn! Too bad I wasn't available to be her body double. Arent you all looking forward to the Dukes of Hazzard movie? A look into my crystal ball reveals the movie will include lots of car racing, spinning tires, dirt clouds, southern accents and redneck honkytonk dialects. It's going to be interesting to fully study Jessica's acting techniques. Perhaps she is a Jennifer Lopez actress where you can see her brain reviewing the lines before she speaks with a pained look on her forehead. Or she comes from the Selma Blair school of theatrics where the acting is wooden and the eyes are dead. Maybe Jessica has been learning from Tori Spelling and will giggle and flub her lines. I just can't wait! But back to that bootie, is it real or fake? Is there anything about her thats real?
Halle Berry meet Marc Cherry
 Halle Berry is desperate. To be on Desperate Housewives, that is. "I want to be on the show," she said recently. "I'd have to be a villain. I want to stir up something naughty... with Nicolette Sheridan, I want to stir something up with her." How about a nasty threesome with Marica Cross? I say its long overdue to add more black people to the show. The cast is a tad monochromatic. Not every one in the world is good looking, thin and white. Add some cultural spice and toss in people of different colors and backgrounds like a big neighborhood tossed salad. I hear Afrie Woodard is joining the cast next season but there should be enough room for Halle too. I'll have to call Marc Cherry and see what I can do. I'd like to see Halle reprise the role she took on opposite Billy Barf Thorton in Monsters Ball. What a performance! I mean, pretending to be hot for by Billy? At least she was acting. Angelina was turned on by him for real. According to insiders "in the know", Halle is just one of the many celebs who are begging for a turn on the show. Britney Spears and Pamela Anderson have also indicated they would be more than happy to move into Wisteria Lane and shake things up. James Denton, the town plumber who wants to unclog the pipes with his big plunger, says Britney most likely will not end up on the show. Why? She could be the town slut who shakes things up in the neighborhood by dating a low life trailer- trash crusty bum named Trevin Hederspine. It would add yet another element to the show. Bring it down a notch, you know?
Paris has a IQ that is off the charts
 Paris feels her image as a simple minded party girl is like, so totally unfair! Come on people, she' as smart as that MENSA candidate, Tara Reid. Paris says in a quote, "'m a lot smarter than most people think. I always got good grades in school, I was all As. I'm smart, I just don't like to show it. I don't know, maybe it's because I'm blonde, and I think it's cuter and sweet." Maybe its because her parents paid off the teachers? Or its because she did "ndependent study"with a team of private tutors? Any way you slice it, when Paris opens her mouth its not exactly solutions to the war in Iraq and the national debt she is spewing forth. I loved the photo of her stumbling out of a nightclub on the arm of her boyfriend, Paris. That' smart! Personally, I love to pretend I'm really dumb too. I show up at nightclubs and do blow in the bathrooms but then I turn around and lasso the men with my sharp tongue and quick wit. When President Bush calls and asks my advice on dealing with those world leaders, I'm always coming up with ideas. Oprah has turned to me many times for my spiritual candor. It was my idea to create those Lord of the Ring movies based on the JRR Tolkein novels which I read as a toddler. I know from what Paris speaks. To meet me on the street I will pretend I can barely form three syllable words as I wind my blonde hair around my finger and suck on my thumb, yet I turn around and am able to run Fortune 500 companies from my four poster bed wearing nothing but a garter and an ear piece. Really ladies, pretending to be as vapid as a bag of air is an intelligent thing to do. Great for womens lib as well.
 If Renee Zellweger gained one hundred pounds and shoved a fat infant into her bra, dyed her hair jet-black and smeared some Happy Hooker Red lipstick no. 666 on her lips, she would look just like Kelly Osborne. I'm a little nervous if I stare at the photo for too long, I might go blind. Or her breasts will explode, leaving my retinas scorched and my eyelashes seared. Kelly looks as soft and inviting as a Jimmy Dean sausage link. Is it me or is the microphone quite phallic? The penis-like microphone, the bursting volcanic breasts...I'm feeling a tad queasy and something in my brain is sparking. Are those ladybugs adorning her dress or am I hallucinating?
 Twist the knife a little further in her back, you bitch! Nicole Richie and Paris obviously hate each other with all the venom of two rabid rattlesnakes but Nicole remains chummy with Paris' sister Nicky. I bet Nicole is pumping Nicky for some dirty gossip about Paris! Then she will spread it all over the internet just like when she leaked the contents of the cellphone to the world and distributed copies of the porn tape from of the back of her BMW. That Nicole is one sly dog! There is no reason to break off a friendship over a bit of porn. You should see what my best friend did to me with those nude photos. I still love you, Trina! Im sure Paris couldn't give a solid gold crap right now, she is too busy in the arms of her self titled boyfriend, Paris and hawking her self titled perfume, Paris and selling her Paris album and Paris calendar as well as operating her nightclub aptly named Paris. She also plans on getting married and pregnant, naming her child Paris. Does she realize there are other names in the world? Like Nicole. That's a really nice name.
Happy Birthday to ME
 Have you received your invite to Elizabeth Hurley's big birthday blowout? The model/actress/swimwear designer has been busy planning a big soiree in her own honor and everyone who is anyone is on the guest-list. Elton John, Donatella Versace, Hugh Grant and lots of other big name celebs are attending this formal event. David Beckham will be there but no touching! Liz is turning 40 and do you know what that means? No, really, do you? Because I don't. I do not usually put together a party for myself but then again, when you want something done right, do it yourself. When you are a celeb, you have license to throw yourself a bash and perhaps register for expensive gifts that people will have to buy for you. Im going to throw myself a huge party and the people- the exclusive crowd of Hollywood A-listers- will arrive in their stretch Hummers bearings loads of pricey clothes and shoes along with bottles of Chanel No. 5 and Cristal. Remember, I love Jimmy Choo and I wear a size 7.5. Lizzy-poo has proposed a big rack of lamb with mint jelly for dinner followed by dancing to a band. Women must wear white and men are under strict orders to wear black tie. That really puts a damper on the low cut, red satin, clingy number with the five inch heels and the studded dog collar I was planning on wearing. Since Elton will be there, I was going to use my purple leopard print pashmina throw, Elton is wild for animal prints! Ill have to go with my see- through, white lace, floor- length off the shoulder number I borrowed from Paris worn with black underpants. Classy! For a gift I will get her a gift certificate to SuperCuts for her son, Damian who is sporting the very old fashioned and unfashionable coif known as the Bowl Cut or the 'shroom. I know, I know. Besides being a fantastic dresser, I am a great gift giver. As a matter of fact, I just sent Lindsay Lohan a box of Clairol Natural Instincts hair color in Red Ginger. Cheers!
Pop a squat
 Golly Brit, take a load off and just sit down! Our favorite loveable dirt-bag popster (just kidding Brit! You know I love ya!) was admitted to the hospital yet again! She was playing with Kori because K. fed was off somewhere making various calls to 900 numbers and doing a little weed smoking while his pregnant wife cared for his four year old child. You've seen the photos all over the place of Britney pulling Kori on a skateboard, Kori eating a banana, Britney constantly carrying the child around, the two playing in the grass. While Kori is by no means fat, she has two working legs and should be able to stand and walk on them of her own accord. Then, all of the sudden, Brit clutched her stomach and started calling out, "Kev! Kev! I aint feelin' so well. Mah tummy, it huuurttts! Call nine nine one!" Blowing smoke rings out of his nose, Kevin just glanced over from under his eyelids at half mast and said, "Baby, I'm on a call holding for P. Titty. Wait a couple minutes and then I'll call fo yo mama." After she was finally whisked to the hospital, a battery of tests revealed everything was fine but doctors cautioned her yet again to not lift heavy objects (Kori, that's YOU!) and I would advise Brit not to wear stiletto heels or six inch wedge sandals for fear of falling and rupturing a body part or placenta. Kev's not always going to be there to...you know...uh, offer second hand smoke, and tease her about drinking alcohol, he is a really big help to her. And you know what else those doctors warn women with troubled pregnancies about? No sex! Looks like Kev might be taking a little trip to Vegas, wink wink. He's got to check out their new pad in Sin City. Strictly business, but he feels it best if Brit stays home and babysits.
You had me at y'all
 In what can only be described as quick and unexpected, Renee Zellweger married country music singer Kenny Chesney over the weekend. I don't listen to country nor do I wear western style shirts with fringe or dance the two-step. I only know of Kenny Rogers and that's from his delicious roasters. Who is Kenny and more importantly, is he cute? After a quick peek online I found out the following: "Chesney was named Country Music Association entertainer of the year in November, while his "When The Sun Goes Down" was named album of the year. Other of his hits include "Me and You" and "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy." She what? Thinks your old John Deere is sexy? Exactly why I don't listen to country. If it was "She thinks Im sexy in Armani" I'd be dancing the Macarena in high heels to it. See country music to me, means bbq sauce spilled on shirts, crying about your Ford F150 into your cheap beer, wearing ginormous belt buckles and extra tight Wranglers and riding a mechanical bull. That last one sounds like fun though. Renee and Kenny met in January and must have really hit it off because less than six months later they are proclaiming their everlasting love. I give it two years but I'm jaded and bitter with Hollywood unions. Maybe things are different in the world of cowboy boots, rusty cow prods and pickup trucks. The ceremony, which I was not invited to nor did I elect to crash mainly because I didn't know about it, was held in St. John and 45 guests gathered to celebrate in a wealthy, gated community. Meaning peons like me were not permitted inside the diamond studded walls and the solid gold gates. Call me crazy but I think I smell some fertilized ovaries! Renee dear, are you pregnant with a biscuit and gravy in your oven? Yee haw! She's havin' a baby!
Its all about La Lohan
 There really is not much remotely interesting about Lindsay other than the fact she was adorable in The Parent Trap and at one time had luscious red hair. Here's a tip: if you were born with lovely red hair, a color so infrequently found in nature, please do not color your God-given locks. I also find it a tiny bit interesting/gross that Lins got down and dirty with old man Willis. And recently vacationed at his tropical home. Hmmmm. I don't know whether I prefer the blonde- on- blonde vanilla look of hers with the white Kabuki face and bony skeleton body or the fake Orangina tan with her tight jeans and huge knockers. Hmmm. Tough one. She reminds me of Nicole Kidman in this photo. You know, in that movie, The Others? I am awed by her face. Very pale. Sharp. Doesn't even look like herself. She looks like someones mother who has been on Atkins and consumes Vodka for lunch before shopping at Neiman Marcus and later passing out at home with satin sleep mask after a Bloody Mary.
 Lindsay struts down the sidewalk wearing her Jessica Simpson cowboy boots and a bright tomato red dress. She owns her look. She dyed her hair and made this skinny appearance her own. Right down to the removed implants and the powdered face. A stiff breeze later picked up all 95 lbs. of her, blew her towards the Pacific Ocean where she safely landed in Santa Monica in front of a Starbucks. She bought herself a quadruple espresso while she munched on coffee beans and admired her hair in the window. Later someone created a paper airplane out of a Starbucks flyer, set Lindsay on it and drifted her back to Beverly Hills with one big gust of air.
 Lindsay snorts coke off the steering wheel of her car. Its tricky and difficult to pull off, only an expert can do it on an uneven, sloping surface.
y'all, I's love dirt!
 Hey Brit, Im really excited about your new show, Chaotic. But what I want to talk about is the length of your pants. Looks as if your pants leg is covering your shoes and the fabric is downright filthy. Now, Kevin may enjoy the "piggy in mud" look but for the rest of us, cleanliness is key. I love this tool its been termed a "needle" and it's accompaniment, a nifty little thing known as a "spool of thread". In a pinch there is an item called a "pin" which will secure the fabric until you can bring your clothing to a person who sews called a "tailor". I know it seems silly to hem cotton track pants, and you might throw them away after one wear, but it would really bother me if my clothing was wet and dirty and carrying dust bunnies and old chewing gum on the bottom. But this is a girl who enjoys the thrill of going barefoot into gas station bathrooms so what do I know? Not much.
 Nicole hates dating because of all the stuff that goes along with it like expectations for sexual encounters. Then she should have dated Ashton since is he is speedy like a jackrabbit. She wouldn't even know what hit her. She says: "I have an aversion to the idea of dating. I prefer, 'Listen, I like spending time with you. Spend time with me' - then there's no expectation. It's probably why I can have a lot of male friends where it's not sexual, it's just friends, it's a lovely thing to have." I see. So.. what you're saying then is that Tom was a male friend. A male friend who, according to my anonymous source, paid ten million dollars over ten years for the publicity stunt that was known as their "marriage". Signed legal documentation and everything. Look, for ten million dollars or a million per year, Ill be Tom's very best friend and that includes keeping his sexuality a secret and reading L. Ron Hubbard books! I like having male friends too. Especially male friends with money who shower me with gifts and compliments! Then there is no worry about sex and all that goes with it. Such a relief! Being good friends, thats what Nicole is doing with Stephen Bing, Elizabeth Hurleys ex-boyfriend. Whatever you do, Nicole, don't have his baby. He will put you through a series of paternity tests and will draw more blood from you than a mosquito.
Willie Nelson is hot! Yeah!
 Tired of fooling around with bad boys, Bam and Johnny, official reports have been released stating that Jessica has been getting intimate with doughy Fred Durst. Ew yuck! Who saw his white buttocks on that home-made porn film? I did not (really!) but I heard terrible things about Fred and his flabby backside. Whatever happened to her husband, Nick? Right, right. Off in Sweden getting frisky with a blonde singer. Jessica sang Happy Birthday to Willie "high out of my mind" Nelson recently. And you know what means, don't you? Yes. She was looking to be tied up with those long gray braids and spanked with his red bandana. Jessica, have you no shame? PS. Jess honey, when you have big boobs, you don't need a miracle bra to make them even bigger.
Pregnant or not?
 Until I read the official news from Ben and Jen's publicist, I'm going to ignore the reports from E! and E! online that Jen is pregnant. But I will be quick to point out that Ben seems to have added an extra two inches to his chin in the above photo. That's a cartoon chin! Maybe thats why Jen is laughing. It is funny! I've placed several calls to both Jennifer and Ben and I assure you, my readers will be among the first to know if she is pregnant. How dare they keep this news to themselves! And why isnt Jennifer saving herself for marriage like Katie Holmes? tsk tsk. Demi Moore is still being totally coy about this whole issue and I'm analyzing photos of her boobs to see if I can spot pregnancy induced growth. I say she is three months along but thats just from my professional obstetrics background. I read an interesting tidbit this morning stating that Demi told a friend "lovemaking with Ashton is a sprint to the finish line." That has nothing to do with Jen and Bens lovechild, but interesting nonetheless. Ashton, you naughty boy! Ladies first, don't you know?
A lotus in the mud
 Goldie Hawn's new novel is on the bookshelves right now so go ahead and rush to your nearest Barnes and Noble to buy it! Or just read the excerpt in this weeks People Magazine. Very enlightening. Especially where she states that men like to "spread their seed". That explains all the gardening Kurt has done over the years. A few years ago, I was skiing in Aspen and ran into Goldie. She was wearing head- to- toe mink including furry oven mitts to keep her hands warm. "Goldie, I like your muff." I joked. She burst into laughter and told me mine was cute too. But I wasn't wearing fur! Sadly, I don't think that entertaining little story made it into the pages of her novel. However, its a delightful tale to tell at cocktail parties. And much funnier than how I was snubbed by not being invited to Kate Hudson's baby shower. Damn you Goldie!
Katie has icky lips
 OMG! Did Katie Holmes contract a sexually transmitted disease that took root on the lower third of her face? Is she the new spokesperson for Abrevia or what ever its called, that medicine for herpes? Is she trying to disguise those pussing postules and the huge crusty fever sore with black rimmed glasses? Oh Tom, what have you done to poor Katie? Why does she have venereal warts on her face? If that's what her face looks like, just imagine the redness, swelling and oozing bumps on her ahem, bikini area! I never saw her sporting zitty lips when she was with Chris Klein. Maybe that's because they never kissed? Just five years of chaste hand holding and light petting. Katie, can't you wear a scarf or a ski mask over your face until that heals? Concealer? Coverup? Foundation? Dermablend? Let this be a warning to all the young starlets out there, don't mess around with Tom Cruise or you too will end up with an unsightly festering group of blisters on your lips and itching and soreness around your rectum. The rumor is Tom and Katie spent too much time kissing in Italy so she has the rash on her chapped and disgusting lips, but we're too smart for that line of crap.
 Ashley Olsen picks out diamonds at a jewelry store, "Darlink, I want the biggest diamonds ya got." We get it Ashley. You have a bottomless bank account and can spend fifty dollars a day on coffee drinks and drop hundreds on black tar heroin and martinis at nightclubs. You dress like a hobo most of the time and party all night with your boyfriend and his rich posse. You can buy diamonds like I buy groceries. And then you flaunt your money in my face like a shameless hussy! Ugh! I'm disgusted, Ashley, at your wealth. And a bit jealous. You have a paid dog walker? You can study whatever you want at NYU and live in a multi million dollar apartment? You drive a tricked out Land Rover and can buy all the designer clothes you desire in a size zero? A diva myself who loves Prada and all things Marc Jacobs, I cannot believe you have infinite millions from Full House reruns and straight to video movies. When can I begin my Distressed Jeans empire? I'm thirty years old, is the market on kids clothes, videos and lip gloss cornered by you or is there room for one more chick?
From singer to writer
 Mariah Carey wants to give us something special. A gift of love. A product of hard work. Yes, a children's book. Following in the steps of the great writers of the century, Madonna and Katie Couric, the songbird plans to pen a series of stories based on her own experiences growing up as part of a mixed race family. The main character will be a bi-racial orphan girl who slips a demo tape into the pocket of a music executive at a party. She then marries the president of a music company and the story will be sprinkled with bits of plastic surgery and thermal hair conditioning, breast implants and money added to spice up the story for kids. I cannot wait to see the illustrations! Children really appreciate a good nose job, details of homes on Long Island and hundreds of expensive shoes in a closet big enough for a family of ten to reside in. Kids dig that! Mariah says, "It's still something I really want to do, and I'm going to do, and I'm going to start getting that into production soon." The book will be called Automatic Princess. Certainly the book will give Jennifer Lopez's novel a run for its money. Surely both will be top sellers!
Dream on J lo
 Be prepared for Presidenta Lopez Noa Judd Anthony in the White House! As soon as Jennifer Lopez is done writing "Paparazzi Escape" for celebrities like me, hounded by photographers, she is going to give serious consideration to running for president. Yeah, yeah, worrying about the economy and education, blah blah. Healthcare? Who gives a shit? Jennifer says her first order of business is to "redecorate the White House. It doesn't look cozy." Jennifer wants to paint the White House pink and move it to Miami. She plans to add glitter and sequins to the Oval Office and redo the Lincoln bedroom making it the Versace emporium. She would love perfroming in those state of the union addresses which would give her a platform to discuss upcoming movies and videos while dancing and waving her booty in from of millions. Wow, the United States would really be a powerful nation if only a singer-actress-perfume maker- clothing designer were suddenly to lead the country. Instead of camouflage, our military would be in fur-trimmed hot-pants and a leopard print trench coats with hot pink guns. Our colors would be baby blue, silver, and black on a background of yellow stripes. Our national anthem would be "Jenny from the Block" and we would say the Pledge of Love Don't Cost a Thing. We would all unite under the smell of Glow and sing songs from Rebirth while watching Shall We Dance. But honestly, Marc Anthony as first husband? It would never happen. She would need to remarry say, someone like...I don't know. One of the New Kids on the Block or someone a little more serious.
 Poor Justin! He recently went into the hospital to have some polyps taken off his rectum. The growths were revealed during a pooping contest with Cameron after taking a dose of Colon Blow. Wait- my news source was wrong. It was his throat which was found to have the growths. The discovery was made while he was in the studio recording his new single. I hate it when I'm singing in the recording booth and I can feel bumps and lumps along my throat. It interferes with my husky singing voice and then I find it difficult to chain smoke and gargle with shards of glass. Naturally this puts a damper on my own sword swallowing career. After this procedure, he will be home resting and speaking in whispers and doing charades which would be perfect for that newly created Charades show that Hilary Swank is working on. I hope Cam is ready to play nurse. Nothing tests true love like taking care of your significant other after surgery. I hate bodily fluids, throwing up, diapers and any kind of snot, mucus or booger so that sums up my nursing ability, just in case you were wondering. Do you think Cam is able to fetch Justin some ice cream and slurpees? Because that I could do. I have white thigh-high boots and a nurses hat, so if Justin needs some TLC and Cameron is too busy popping zits and playing with the paparazzi, I hope he knows he can call me and I'll come running with an anal thermometer and a bag of ice chips.
Pam calls it quits
 In other news, Pamela Anderson split from elfin Stephen Dorff. Although she admitted he was the best sex she ever had, (Take that Tommy! In your face Kid Rock!) the romance fizzled like flat soda and the two decided to end their steamy relationship. And Stephen was growing increasingly afraid of catching hepatitis from Pammy. He was also not ready to assume the role of step-dad to her two sons who will in no time, tower over the tiny actor. I've been with Pam before and she is very petite with the exception of her enormous loaded guns. In photos we candocment the fact that Stephen is just as tiny as Pam, which leads me to believe he would be an excellent gymnast, jockey or hobbit. Personally, I like my men like my lattes- tall. And hot. I think Pam would agree. Therefore, I've taken it upon myself to fix her up with an eligible bachelor. No, not Charlie Sheen- he is not hot but more importantly I have a no hooker rule for my men which Charlie cannot abide by. No, I'm speaking of John Stamos! He's divorced and he wants kids. She has publicly stated she wants a daughter. They both know Dave Coulier. They both have a good sense of humor- I mean, have you seen her comedic timing on Stacked and his brilliant turn on Full House? They have both been on sitcoms and ...uh, they are both divorced. The compatibility is obvious. Let's just sit back and wait. You'll see.
Bang!
 We should have seen it coming like a meteor heading to earth. It's shocking yet so predictable. It was only a matter of time before boozy Tara Reid jumped a ride on the Tommy Lee schlong-mobile. All aboard! Tommy's standards aren't that high: she has the required generous phony breasts, an affinity for drugs and alcohol, a familiarity with partying and rolling around in her own vomit and possesses bleached, parched blonde hair and raspy voice of a girl whose throat has seen a lot of action. She is so much fun! I hope she isn't looking to have babies with Tommy any time soon. As you may recall, Pamela made him have a vasectomy, tying his vans deferens into pretty little bows so he cannot procreate without extensive reversal. I know a doctor in Las Vegas that offers a money back guarantee on that procedure. Maybe Tommy could pop in for a quick retie when he hits the Hard Rock Hotel. Tara calls it the Hard C*ck hotel. She has such a great sense of humor. She smells like an ashtray and has the leathery complexion of fifty year old chain smoker but I can totally see her and Tommy together for a long, long time- like a month! And he is much better suited to her than Jesse Metcalfe. Who wants a pretty boy metrosexual who waxes his chest? Give me a hard rocker covered in tattoos. And Tommy is hung like a mutated banana so its all good. Just one word of advice to the strung out couple: be sure to lock your video cabinet... wink, wink!
Back in black!
Don't worry you sexy kittens out there! I'm back and ready to update. Have no fear, new material coming shortly. And in the meantime, I was in a place with no television, computers or news and thought the Runaway Bride had something to do with Julia Roberts movie with Richard Gere where she bolts everytime she gets close to the alter. Whoops. Thanks for the lovvveeeee. I feel like I was truly missed. Sniff, sniff. You really like me!
See ya!
I'm headed away for a week. Will update when I get back from my business trip. Stay tuned for gossip and celebrity news when I return! DistressedJeans
 And I wants mah blonde hair back. Kev says he likes blondes. He also likes brunettes and redheads. I's gonna get BitBit's hair done too. Mah doggie is so cute, aint she?
Brit's letter of truth
 Hey y'all. I's here in Arizona right now and y'all its hot! I got this top, aint it cute? It keeps me cool. I's even wearin mah slippers cause mah feet are swelling up. Mah mama tells me I ain't going out with barefeets no more. She said people are talking bout foot fungus! Well, as y'all know we's havin a baby. Don't tell nobody but we's having a girl. I hope she look like her papa. Kev's so excited. He tol me he be goin back to Vegas to shop for the baby overnight. Some chick named Vanessa is gonna help him. She be a professional. We's got a house there. In the Palms. I's gonna pretty it up real cute! I love unicorns and fairies and elves. So we's gonna have someone paint murals and stuff on them there walls. I's thinking up some baby names. I really like the name Kevney. We's combining our names and come up with that. Kev likes Kittney. I think Federlina is nice too. I's looking for a basket to carry the baby in, just like mah Bit Bit in this photo. So, I's gaining lots a weight now! I tol Kev, I can eat whatever I wants to! And he tells me, "Brit, you bitch, you get fat and I'll leave yer ass." I don't believe him. I gonna be pregnant for five more munts, of course I's gonna git fatter! But then I can hire a personal trainer if Kev says we can afford it. I's like, scared hes spending all mah money! He says I gotta watch what I spend now. And cause I love him so much, I just say Yessir. Whatever you say baby.
You can't fool me with that smile
 Tom Cruise is gayer than a rainbow bumper sticker on a drag queens ass. Gayer than Elton John's Bobby Trendy designed bedroom with faux fur pillows and leopard wallpaper with a chandelier for swinging. Gayer than a Gay Pride Day parade in San Francisco. Did he start out this way or switch to men only as his career progressed? Where was the turning point for Tom, before A Few Good Men or after seeing Ricky Martin shake his bonbon in tight leather pants? So many questions unanswered. And a whole team of lawyers ready to sue at the mention of "Tom" and "gay" in the same sentence. If you want proof of the sham relationship between Tom and Katie Holmes, look no further than right here.
 YEAH!
Jenni-fur
 Jennifer Lopez is ready for the throng of PETA supporters that threaten to mob her premiere of Monster in Law. She feels no remorse over her fur fetish and she will continue to "design" clothes with fur embellishments and wear the pelts of chinchilla and mountain goats. As we all know, Lopez-Anthony loves to wrap her tanned skin in the skin and fur of dead animals. Her Sweetface clothing line is chock-full of snow leopard fur and mink, fox and rabbit. Jen loves animals, especially wearing their carcasses on her back. It's a good feeling to know twelve almost-extinct animals died for a fashion statement! People For The Ethical Treatment Of Animals have parked themselves outside her Pasadena, California, eatery Madre's. Displays of dead animals turns my stomach and I refuse to eat there no matter how many free coupons I receive in my dollar saver circular. Sky News reports J.Lo is prepared to ignore the angry crowds, saying, "They have targeted me but I don't give a lot of energy to organizations like that. It's their tactics that one can find fault with. It's a weird situation, but the great thing about the United States is that everyone is entitled to their opinion." And my opinion is her album, Rebrith and her clothing line, Sweetface, sucks worse than if she took a dump right outside her restaurant and tried to serve her steamy fecal matter on a silver platter with free shrimp cocktail.
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