Tuesday, May 31
If they rub together, sparks will fly and a fire will ignite. Brittle bones make the best bonfires!
Is coke flammable? Is Nicole wearing seashells from the Jersey shore? Is Lindsay going bald? Is she wearing leggings? Do they share drugs with the Olsen twins? Are they closeted lesbians? Will Lindsay be a bridesmaid and bring Jake Gyllenhall as her date? What kind of vest is Linds wearing and why does she look so angry? These questions and more! We want to know!
Paris and Paris 4ever!
Paris wears her grandmothers curtains with lace trim and white pumps.
Paris Hilton is engaged! This is cause for a big celebration. In light of this huge event, I will be having my butt hole bleached, hitting the tanning bed and having my teeth recapped and whitened. But I don't know what I'm going to wear! Versace or a frock a bit more understated with just the right amount of cleavage? I have a lot to do before the wedding! There's botox and collagen, lip plumping and chin chiseling. There is a personal trainer to hire and a diet expert, a feng shui master, a yogi, an interior energy coodinator. And that's not even for Paris, its for me!
Paris proposed to Paris after she came back to the US from a publicity tour of House of Wax. Maybe after he saw her die in the movie, he thought he should seize the day and ask for her hand in marriage. Or maybe he saw the Carls Jr. ad and said, "I gotta get me somma that! And I ain't talking bout no burger!" Either way, Paris will have a trillion, billion dollars in her bank account. That is an exact amount by the way. She can shop every day of the year and party all night and wear Jimmy Choos as slippers and can buy the Neverland Ranch and import exotic animals!
Will Nicole have a bigger, better wedding with Lionel Richie singing one of his romantic ballads and her new husband spinning tunes? Will Paris use twenty dollar bills as toilet paper for the gold plated toilets which have a magical hand that comes out to wipe? This could be even better than the Amazing Race! Paris and Nicole sweat it out in a race to the altar, stay tuned! It would be so much more delicious if one of them were pregnant!
I hope Joe Simpson can't read. Cover your eyes Papa! Because your daughter has announced that she turns more tricks in the bedroom than a hooker at the Midnight Bunny Ranch. Jessica, who knew!? I thought Ashlee was the slut! Ash is currently dating/having sex with Wilmer Valdermama-ding-dong. Who used to date Lindsay Lohan. But Ashlee and Lindsay are friends so the whole thing reeks of some kind of friendly incest. Lets pass around Ryan Cabrerra and make this come full circle.
Back to busty, floozy Jessica. The Dukes of Hazzard actress says, "I have fantastic sex. My body was made for sin. But I'm not domesticated. I've never used an iron or a washing machine and I can't dust, cook or Hoover."
Well who cares about that kind of stuff when youre a nympho? Guys don't look for dust bunnies and crisp shirts when you're naked and willing. Trust me on that one, sister. But life is a lot easier when you can vacuum in a thong and high heels and if you can boil water wearing pasties and handcuffs, well then, you understand why my boyfriend is so happy and well fed.
Monday, May 30
Like an angel sent from the heavens or a mental ward patient, Pammy always wears white.
She sits and writes on the beach like a modern day Hemingway with ginormous boobs and oversized sunglasses.
"Are you there God? It's me Pam. My beloved Tommy is dating Tara R. They might get married. Makes me feel sad. Don't want her as a stepmother to my boys. Please no. Her boobs are in worse shape than mine. At least mine don't droop down to my belly. Thank goodness I went with the under the muscle gel implants."
Kirstie Alley. Back in highschool she was quite the looker. Then again, with braces and a headgear, I was rather stunning too.
Before Jessica discovered the joy of sex with Nick Lachey, she was just a fresh faced young girl from Texas. I believe she might have had a slight nose job and something done around her eyes. Why? I dont know. She was totally cute before.
Long before she got the role of Carrie Bradshaw, Sarah Jessica Parker was not hip and trendy and edgy. She was really not all that attractive to be honest. Much like a person you would see on the street and not look back. But then she went and got a bit shaved off the ol honker, did something with her hair and started wearing shorts and high heels, voila! Instant success.
Everyone on Friends except maybe Courteney Cox has had a nose job. Like I said before, its a requirement for a job in the acting business. Let me show you Jennifer Aniston, pre- nose job.
I love the way Halle Berry constantly comments on how she would never have plastic surgery. Yeah! Sure! Don't pee on my back and tell me it's raining, Halle. I don't care how much baby fat you used to have, you do not lose weight in your nose. Own up to the rhinoplasty and we will still debate about your boobs. Nice pencil shirt, by the way.
I don't know who David Schwimmer had to blow to get roles but I don't think in his early career he was getting by on his "good looks".
A nose job was thrown into the deal before he secured the role on Friends. Like getting a fake tan or a colonic, rhinoplasty is a necessity in Hollywood. Almost everyone has gone under the knife at the beginning of his/her career, trust me. I know people who know people who know the drs. that perform the face changing surgery. You are a nobody until you get your nose smaller, thinner, shorter and narrowed.
With Schwimmy, I always had a suspicion he had a nip tuck on his nose but this photo confirms it. His hair is oddly like the wig Michael Jackson has been wearing to court, but with a slight curl.
It's nice of Demi to show restraint while dressing her pregnant belly. Unlike Britney, who favors low- slung pants, tight shirts to show off her milk filled breasts, Demi chooses a big cowl neck sweater and a large purse to hide behind. She is still pretending there is no pregnancy but we know better. Come on, it is totally obvious. Does she think we can't see? Judging from her full face and slightly puffy ankles, we - the celebrity experts, know the truth. You can't fool us, Demi. So don't try. Enough of the coy behavior! And a trucker cap? Please. Give it back to Ashton and stop trying to Punk me.
In other news, I just discovered that a certain Oscar winning actress actually gave birth to her daughter and then weeks later, announced the birth of her then ten pounder. Spelling it out for you: she went in the hospital, had the baby and then weeks later, went back into the hospital and produced her child as if she just had it. Other Hollywood actresses schedule their c-sections early and don't go to a full forty weeks. It's all about timing, movie releases and good PR.
Kind of like the editors erasing Teri Hatcher's nubby nipples, Lindsay is attempting to erase something of hers too- the sprinkling of freckles on her face. Coupled with weight loss, hair color and the binge of make out sessions with Jared Leto and Jake Gyllenhall, I think its safe to say Linds is trying to change who she used to be: an adorable freckley red head with a healthy body and promising career. See what happens when you hang out with Paris Hilton?
Like Tara Reid, Lindsay just wants to be taken seriously. And you know people with freckles are not highly regarded. Freckled people do not get the job advancement as their non-freckled counterparts do. And thats a fact. According the Star magazine, the skinny cokehead may be using bleaching creams or chemical peels. She may have undergone a laser treatment. I wonder if she had her anus bleached as well, you know its tres chic in Hollywood to be monochromatic.
In related Lohan news, Lindsay's dad, Margarita Mike, has been sent to the slammer, the pokey, the pen, the big house and it's not Camp Cupcake like Martha's prison stay. No spa treatments and hot oil wraps. No happy singing around the campfire and painting each others nails. Well, maybe a little nail painting. And anus bleaching.
Michael Lohan was arrested several times for his boozy behavior behind the wheel. Shades of Billy Joel wrapping his car around a telephone pole. His sentence is one to four years in prison where he will be banging out license plates and working in the quarry while being a bitch to a guy named Big Bertha. With good behavior however, Mike could be out within a year.
Saturday, May 28
Mariah Carey has hired a teeny tiny woman for "keeping her long skirts from touching the floor and humping around a Louis Vuitton backpack filled with bottled water".
Fabulous idea. Employ some of the vertically challenged people to walk around under your full skirts, carry a spare beverage and wipe your ass when need be. I personally have a very tall man to hold an umbrella over me so the sunlight doesn't touch my ivory skin. I also have a donkey I use to tote my bottled water, vodka, prescription drugs and a change of clothes along with extra car keys and current tabloids.
I have a seventeen year old male who holds glasses up to my eyes while a small child waves a bamboo fan in front of me to keep me cool. I insist that a long pink carpet be rolled out ahead of me where ever I go. My air is cleansed by an atmospheric feng shui designer who will free all the negative energy from the ions floating in my oxygen.
I'll call Mariah and suggest she demand a little more than someone holding up her skirts. Anyone can do that. And I thought Jennifer Lopez was a diva for having a nipple tweaker on set to keep her tits perky. These women have no idea what a real diva is. Do they also have someone in the bathroom standing by to brush and floss their teeth?
Friday, May 27
Letter of troof
Please, please, like, please y'all. Tune it and watch Chaotic. The show is like, gonna be taken off the air if more people don't watch it. The ratings is low. Y'all, like, I'm havin A baby! Y'all, I am so so so totally, like upset over all this. I thought fer shur that my show would be really awesome. Guess ya can't handle my truth. My love for Kevvie is just too much for you, is that it? Gah!
I gotta like, go to therapy to learn how to deal with y'all not liking me no more. I was so famous and now, its like Im just, like another one hit wonder or something. Even mah big boobs ain't getting people to watch the show. Duh!
And mah ma is like, really mad that I's talking 'bout sex but ya gotta understand somethin. My sex life wif Kev is like so awesome. He just sends me right to ecstasy. He ain't no Justin, no way but he's good. The grease on his body helps me slide around more. We's be having sex all day long, y'all. That's why he ain't got time to tie his shoes, see. I keep him real busy, wink wink.
And guess what? Yeah. Like, Kevin didn't like mah dog Lucky. Remember that little dog I was carryin' around and all? Right, before Bitbit and Lacey. Kev hated my pooch so bad I had to git rid of it. He wuz sayin' he wuz gonna eat it fer dinner like the racoon he caughted up in Fresno that time. Awww. So sad. I think I'll name our baby Lucky. Lucky Earl Lynn Federline. I love frapuccinos.
Angelina to Brad: You stink!
Calm down, Angelina did not sleep with Brad. She couldn't bear to be naked and close to him. Don't get me wrong, she thinks he is great and a wonderful person but she cannot get naughty with someone who smells like a dumpster behind a Chinese food restaurant.
A direct quote from Angelina: "Brad smells badly."
Jolie's publicist says, "She isn't saying he smells badly to anyone but her and even then it is just an opinion and the kind of opinion that, she is saying, would keep her from using her nostrils close to him, as she would if they had sex."
Apparently, Angie has a very delicate constitution and is very sensitive to bad odors. Which reminds me of myself- I was shopping today and a guy wearing mesh shorts and a half shirt farted, causing me to collapse and gasp for clean air. It was a big production. I came home needing a vodka and a Xanax along with a big bag of lavender potpourri to shove my face into.
Rumors a few years back indicated that Jennifer Aniston had to "clean Brad up". Brad might be the only guy I know of to need a douche and a full body Lysol bath. Hang a pinecone air-freshener around his neck and he might look kind of cute.
Teri Hatcher should learn about circular band-aids to cure her nipple-itis. See, many months ago, Teri was told by producers of Desperate Housewives to keep her nipples hidden.
Unfortunately, the thin bras she favors does nothing to hide her erect boobies which show right through the flimsy fabric of her tight shirts. When the tempature drops outside and the film is rolling, there is not much Teri can do to hide the headlights.
It's costing the editing department thousands of dollars to digitally remove her blinking neon signs of a chest. I would suggest a cotton camisole and more substantial tops but no one on that show listens to me. Her waxing technician commented that she is sporting quite a fluffy muff, so the next thing we will hear is that the editing people will have to erase her hair-line from her tight pants. Get a grip, Teri!
In related news, Teri told Playboy magazine that she would pose nude for ten million dollars. Now, I'm no Teri Snatcher but I would be willing to do it for $750,000. What a bargain!
Katie "herpe" Holmes has not been applying her Abrevia. Tsk tsk.
I still spot ghosts of her cold sores even though the dry, scaly, oozing, red crust has healed nicely. Can't Tom prescribe some sort of vitamin for her to use? Katie, stop kissing Tom until that shit heals. Oops. Just kidding. I know you just hold hands.
Nice to see you too!
Charlize, when you give me the middle finger, I find myself reconsidering the votes I cast for your Academy Award win. I was so happy you won. Remember the lovely card and note I sent after you took the golden statue home? The gift certificate to Starbucks? The homemade lavender soap and body spray? The muffins I made? The tea? Our celebratory lunch at The Ivy?
And then you show your appreciation not with a wave or a smile but your middle finger which we all know does not exactly mean "Hey. What's up?" You are so rarely even in the tabloids, magazines, newspapers and online gossip columns and I would think any picture would be a nice way for your fans to catch a glimpse of the actress they admire.
But no more. I'm rallying behind another actress next time you don fake teeth and gain forty pounds for a role. I'm sticking my tongue out at you right now, but you just can't see it.
Supposedly Jessica has filed for divorce. The reports and retractions are going back and forth faster than a Japanese ping pong tournament. "She filed!" and then five seconds later, "They are together!" and then "The divorce papers are signed!" and then "No, they are still married!"
At least stay together until the boobfest known as Dukes of Hazzard comes out. Everyone loves a good publicity stunt right around premiere time. As I have last heard, Jessica has filed for divorce and Nick is free to date Lindsay Lohan. Conflicting reports will be raining down on us for a while until Dukes of Hazzard is out and the PR has died down and then I'm sure they will quietly file for divorce, placing them on the cover of every magazine from FHM to People. Im still thinking Joe Simpson will find a way to turn this into another reality show. I think it will be called "Dump'd".
There is nothing like combining sun worshipping with the healthy habit of cigarette smoking. Really, there arent many things you can do for your skin that will age you as fast. I suggest no sunscreen and a pack a day. Wrinkles at age 22 is very "in". The haggard appearance is one that is popular in Hollywood these days. Screw botox, I want to be wrinkled like the hide of an African elephant.
Lindsay is balancing her laptop, no doubt seeing what new material I've put up. See what I mean, she has such a tough life! Obviously she is working hard while hanging out at the pool. Is that a dacquiri next to her leg? Yum yum. Girlfriend, pull up a chaise for me and order me a pina colada, I'm on my way.
Thursday, May 26
Uhhhh. Duuuuude. Uh.
"How do I tie mah shoes?"
I do not even have to tune into this drivel to know what happens. Britney rambles about Kevin and love. Kevin speaking in a rather southern sounding, strung out voice saying things like, "Love is...like, love. Committment is like...love. You dont need to like, uh...get married, you know...if you like, uh...love somebody." Then Britneys all, "Like, y'all love me? Huh? Huh? Gah hahahaha!" She says things that don't make sense and if this is her truth, I prefer she lie.
I am getting flooded with emails, people want to know what I think of the show. I think we can easily surmise that:
1. Britney is cuckoo
2. Kevin is high 99% of the time
3. Kevin's education ended at the third grade
4. Vanilla Ice is Kevin's idol - ice, ice baby-too cold!
5. Britney is desperate for love- who cares where she gets it from.
6. Britney is emotionally twelve years old
7. Kevin hates having his hair washed
8. Both have zits and greasy skin
9. Kevin will divorce Britney after she has his love child, but before she loses the baby weight, he will also make an appearence on the Surreal Life.
10. Kevin owns two pair of manpris
What did I miss?
Just in case you needed further proof that Mary Kate snuck inside my house and took my grandmothers lace tablecloth from my dining room table. She is using it as a shawl which Nana does not appreciate. I promise you, if MK gets cigarette ashes on it, I'm going to be pissed. I know many people have been wondering if this photo of the wee Olsen has been photoshopped and the answer is no. Her boyfriend towers over her naturally, no computer enhancement needed. If her bones shrink a little more, she will be even with his crotch.
MK has given me an idea of what to wear tonight. I will take a table skirt, wrap it around myself and secure it with a brooch. Then I will throw a doiley over my shoulders and fashion a pillowcase into a skirt. With my oversize sunglasses and unwashed hair, I will look exactly like a fat Olsen sister!
What would be neat-o is if Mary Kate and Tom Cruise got together because he is much more her size. He could use his freaky cult like ways to cure her of her sickness. He has special vitamins and a machine he would like to hook her up to if given the chance. All he needs to do is lay his magic, L. Ron Hubbard approved hands on her and she will be cured.
Maybe Mary Kate's boyfriend should start carrying her around in a leather bag. Now that would be cute, wouldnt it?
Its not easy being green..
Lindsay Lohan is really tired of having a reputation as a party girl. Like Tara "engaged to Tommy Lee" Reid, she is a smart girl who works hard and gets no respect. She doesn't understand why she isn't in the same league as other actresses who are taken seriously like Keira Knightley and Scarlett "sex in an elevator with Benicio del Toro" Johansson.
I don't understand it either. She's been in the hospital for "exhaustion" the poor girl works so hard! You know, its really difficult to party all night, work all day, fit in time for massive doses of Ex-lax to stay thin and then also schedule shopping sprees and dates with Jake and Jared, not to mention sex with Wilmerama Valderbanana and a blow binge with Paris. Come on! It's a tough life. Really hard. And she is tired. Its not her fault that her mother has been pimping her out since she was just a child and like Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, hasn't had a vacation in like, years!
Poor, poor drug addicted Linds is all about hard work. She says, "Im a young kid and I have
a lot of pressure." Awwww. While you give to the Save Mary Kate fund, please say a little prayer and spare a quarter for the Pity for Lindsay Relief sponsorship. Speaking from first hand knowledge, it's a sad world we live in when actresses make jillions of dollars and then whine about how tough life can be. Boo hooooo. Pass me a tissue, I can't take the pain.
Constantine from American Idol at the Longest Yard premiere. So, he's on American Idol right? And then he gets invited to a movie premiere? How does that work? Why haven't I been approached with a limo and free movie tickets, hmmmm? Seriously, me and Chris Rock, we go way back. You would think he would provide me with front row seats and extra buttery popcorn.
At first I thought I would go out with Constantine, I liked the way he towered over Ryan Seacrest and I think tall men are sexy. But the more I saw Connie, the more I thought he was probably the type of guy who just wanted a late night booty call and I would never hear from him again. I'm just not that kind of gal anymore, you know? There comes a time when late night sex has to take a backseat to dinners at restaurants with cloth napkins and diamond earrings. Its just the way it is.
I decided I would settle for going out for tea and scones with Anwar if I had to choose. A look into my crystal ball reveals Connie hooking up with a young starlet and Im not referring to Paula Abdul who is neither young nor a starlet. Plus as my mother pointed out, Connie has the round face of a jack o' lantern and I couldn't look at him with out thinking he belonged in my window with a candle in his mouth.
Sly slams Orlando
Sylvester Stallone thinks Orlando Bloom is just a big pussy and it's time we had a real man as an action hero. Of course, he is referring to himself. Even though he is like, seventy years old and looks like he has Bells Palsy, Sly thinks female fans would flock to the theater to see him in a wifebeater carrying a machine gum. I'm sorry to say that men with big muscles usually have a small penis and I find that unattractive.
Sly says, "I'm still in my prime and I look forward to showing fans the real action hero again. Today's idea of an action hero is Orlando Bloom. Orlando Bloom? Give me a break."
If he waits any longer, he is going to have to play Rambo with a walker and an oxygen tank and have a team of paramedics waiting in the wings should anything happen to his brittle bones.
Even though Orlando is rumored to be gay or bisexual as most good looking guys in Hollywood are rumored to be, I much rather spend a night with Orlando than Sylvester. In related news which just about everyone is aware of right now, Tom Cruise originally wanted Orlando's beard, Kate Bosworth as his girlfriend. Because Kate is otherwise engaged, Tom had to find another young actress whose career needed a boost and thus Katie was introduced. It is my pleasure to introduce you to the way Hollywood works. Its all smoke and mirrors and nothing is as it appears.
Courtney Love and her daughter, Frances. Courtney was found laying face down on a pile of newspapers in a dumpster. That explains why the side of her face looks dirty. But what's the excuse for the black roots and the low cut hooker shirt with her mammaries hanging out? The red lipstick is either missing her lips or her face is contorted. See what happens when you don't wash your makeup off at night?
Oh Courtney. Such a mess. Pull it together, girlfriend.
"We's wants an extra large venti grande mocha latte wif carmul and y'all put sum whipped cream on that there frap-o-chino now, ya hear?"
Sometimes when a woman gets pregnant, she uses that as an excuse to eat everything and anything in sight. I've known many girlfriends who have gained seventy, eighty pounds of baby weight throughout their pregnancies. Women who plow through cartons of Ben and Jerrys ice cream like the factory is shutting down. I think Brit is going to be one of those women.
This may be the first time in her life where she isn't forced get up at the crack of dawn to run four miles and do one thousand sit ups, so all the more power to her. But what would be really fun is if Kevin gained weight too! It would also be nice if he changed his wife-beater and found pants that were not a cross between dog-chewed capris and extra large Dickies. And doesn't Britney have someone on her payroll that could tie Kevin's shoes for him?
Hello? Is it me youre looking for?
Although Angelina called Jennifer to chat about the rumors running wild, Jen wanted no part of her filmsy excuses and explanations, prompty haning up on Angie.
Jen was spotted in the UK looking for a new home in an expensive neighborhood. Of course it was expensive, you don't expect her to live like a commoner do you? She wants hardwood floors and floral curtains. Brad did say Jen's style of decorating was "matronly". I bet she has a Hummel collection and a grandfather clock.
When your man cheats and lies there is nothing like a cigarette and a multi-million dollar home to take your mind off your troubles and cheer you up. I really don't think Jennifer will be calling Fandango and having her tickets to Mr. and Mrs. Smith held at the box office. Angelina may be a homewrecker and a sex crazed bitch with a thirst for human blood, but Jen and Brad were having marital troubles for years.
"I swear to God, her ass is like this big and I just like to grab it!"
Oprah hugging, couch jumping, erratic, psycho Tom Cruise might be frantically fighting for Katie Holmes to be his on-screen girlfriend in Mission Impossible 3 but there are other chicks in the running. Lindsay Lohan was the front runner however the casting people feel she is too skinny and blonde right now to pull off the role. Keri Russell and Elisha Cuthbert are in contention and personally, I'm hoping Keri gets it because ever since Felicity I've had a little girl crush on her.
If Katie "herpe lips" Holmes, or Kate as Tommy likes to call her, gets the role, I promise you I will boycott the movie and burn my copy of Eyes Wide Shut. I will never replay the sex scene in Top Gun either.
A look into my magical, mystical crystal ball tells me that Tom and Katie will actually tie the knot over the summer and miraculously announce a baby is on the way some time next year, most likely when Tom has a new movie coming out. Because almost everyone is the world is convinced Tom has been slipped some kind of scientologic, brain changing "vitamin" and is halfway to the destination of insane via the creepy bus, he must do something to make us believe the steamy pile of poop that is his relationship with Katie. Therefore he and Katie will marry soon and I'm pretty certain I won't be invited. John Travolta will don his Battlefield Earth costume and preside over the nuptials that will net Katie at least five million dollars for two years.
* due to the nature of this content I will add a disclaimer so I am not kidnapped by a cult and brainwashed: This report is hearsay, gossip and fortune telling. In no way am I responsible for my own words or actions.
Crack is whack and Whitney is back
Bobby Brown, the crazy husband of drug addicted Whitney Houston is promising that Whit will overcome her love of all things that rhyme with -ack. The Whitster is determined to show all those current divas what a real set of pipes can do. J. Lo and Britney can just retire right now because Whitney is set to blow them away when her stint in rehab is over.
Bobby tells me that Whitney is ready to return to her Grammy winning ways and make a kick-ass album, showing us that you really can fall down, lay in your own vomit and then get back up again. But he insists he be with her in the studio so they can "work together" meaning he can supply her with mind altering drugs and rough her up if she pulls any shit.
Then Bobby goes on to say his wifes rehab visit will be included on his upcoming reality TV show. Let me repeat that: Bobby Brown has his own reality television show. Which is really quite a coincidence because my bulldog, Anna Wintour is also getting her own reality show. Unfortunately, Anna is not addicted to crack, speed, blow, crystal meth or cocaine. However she does enjoy the occasional martini minus the olive, but plus a jerky bone.
Can you say PR move? What a way to whore your own wife out for ratings. Why not just feature her passing out and rambling incoherently? That will be included as well? Sweet. The show is bound to be a hit.
My dream is coming true!
She's back, luv! Baby Spice.
Tell me what you want, what you really really want, do you want the Spice Girls to get back together? Has it been your dream that Posh and Scary would one day share a stage together, making beautiful music once again? Do you find yourself staring at pictures of Baby Spice and wondering what ever happened to those sassy British babes with the big shoes and short skirts?
Well, worry no longer. The girls are getting back together with all the original members for a world tour. This is even better than a Britney Spears concert tour with Kevin singing backup. It's better than hearing about Hilary Duff's greatest hits record coming out this summer!
I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a re-release of Spiceworld, the movie that slipped through the Academy Award cracks. It was a brilliant film, truly. I can't wait for those other girls to get together, you know the ones. Porny, Skinny, Trashy, Druggie and Boobie. What a fabulous world tour that would be.
Wednesday, May 25
I see boobies!
Jack Osbourne preps for his naked yoga by riding his motorcycle in the buff.
I'm digging his painted toenails. The bulldog looks just like my pretty little Anna Wintour. Oh, let's hope the seat has a sani-strip on it.
Tuesday, May 24
The newest trend to hit the gyms? Nude yoga! Believe it. There is nothing more soothing than the relaxing stretch of the downward dog as you look up to see a pair of ball sacs dangling in front of you. The warrior pose is nothing but powerful as your breasts swing free and the instructor places his hands on your naked flesh and manuevers your limber body into a childs pose, exposing your beef curtains for the class to view.
This is the exercise that will be sweeping the nation. You can get a good workout and an eyeful at the same time. Once I tried nude tae bo and boy did I get a workout. From laughing that is. Do you think I really wanted to see dimpled, puckered flesh and beer bellies as I attempted to get a good fat burn going? So now my personal motto for nude workout session is: Just say NO.
Paris does porn with a burger
The Parents Television Council feels that Paris Hiltons sexy Carls Jr. commercial is too porny for television. The group plans to protest the ad and will ask the FCC to rule it indecent according to the LA Times.
Who saw the commercial? I found it rang true to my own hamburger eating habits. Normally, I have a servant wash my car but in the rare event I'm moved to clean my own vehicle, the first thing I do is hit the fast food joint for a grease dripping burger with extra onions. Then I pull into the driveway and don my string bikini with the crotchless bottoms. I fill up the bucket with my hose then go to town on my burger while I let the sauce gather between my breasts. I wash the car and myself at the same time while the neighborhood boys gather around and volunteer to wax my chassis.
The president of the company who owns Carls Jr. defends the ad saying that Paris appeals to their target demographic which is not horny teens with a passion for big buns and soap, but hungry young guys. See, you put Brad Pitt in a thong and have him washing his bicycle while munching on a chicken nugget and the ladies will be lined up around the corner for a piece of that. It's all in the marketing.
Is anyone going to be watching the season finale of American Idol tonight or will you be tuning into Rob and Amber's two hour wedding on CBS? It's a really difficult decision and I won't know until the very last minute what my choice will be. I can reveal that I will not be watching The Contender, that is certain.
Bo "I'm missing a back molar" Bice is due to sing "Inside Heaven," "Long, Long Road" and "Vehicle," while Carrie Underwood, is slated to deliver "Inside Heaven," "An Angel Brought Me Here Today" and "Independence Day."
I was really excited but then realized "Inside Heaven" is not the "Just Like Heaven" tune by The Cure that I like so much. I think its a ballad written just for the show and each will make it their own, if you know what I mean.
Who do you think will take home the title of American Idol? My prediciton is that Bo will be this years Ruben while Carrie will be the female Clay.
Renee Zellweger couldn't be happier with her tight Wrangler jeans wearing country boy, Kenny. She says, "He understands me and my life... and he is really cute." Well, I beg to differ but to each his own. Remember how I feel about air tight pants and large belt buckles not to mention ten gallon hats and people who chew tabacco.
Poor Renee didn't even get a real wedding ring. Everything happened so fast, Kenny tells us that he never even had a chance to propose. That Renee! She knew she had to beat Ben Affleck and Tom Cruise to the alter so her name would be in the paper. Cinderella Man, her new movie just came out. What is it with stars and timing their weddings and baby news right around the premieres? It's good PR. Remind me of that when I have news to announce. I'll coordinate it with the release of my new movie and Playboy centerfold.
Mrs. Chesney is also set to appear in Kenny's new music video and has even agreed to waive her usual fee, isn't that nice of her? She will be riding a mechanical bull wearing ass- less chaps while Kenny is the rodeo clown who captures her heart. Maybe she can be eating a Carls jr hamburger to the tune of "Slow Hand" and we can all tie this up with a big endorsement.
And if Renee and Kennys love is not enough to stimulate your gag reflex, Renee plans to produce a film based on her incredible journey to finding true love after dating both George "I don't wear condoms" Clooney and Jim "Im just a big bully" Carey. Renee cannot believe all that has happened to her and jotted her thoughts and feelings down in a unicorn diary with a little gold key. She plans to turn her words into a script. Although she won't cast herself in the lead role, she "plans to dedicate it to Kenny and the happiness he has brought to her life".
Talk to me after the divorce papers have been signed, 'kay?
I hate when I date or marry a guy who is skinnier than me! It sucks to be the big one in bed. I guess Jennifer Lopez Anthony doesn't mind. If she didn't have her hair styled like Pebbles Flintstone, she would be Marc's height. With that extra couple of inches, she is bit taller. But no matter how you slice it, she out weighs him.
Are her pockets like saddlebags? You don't need a purse with ginormous pocketry like that. She keeps all kind of things in there: a bootleg copy of Gigli, a hair brush, a pack of toothpicks, hair gel, season one dvd of Alias, P. Diddy's silver tooth, a ferret, a gerbil, an extra pair of sunglasses, the deed to Ben's house in Georgia, a protein bar and colon blow for Marc.
I do like her pink sweatshirt and even though its 115* here in southern CA, I'll take a free one.
Is Britney smuggling cantelopes in her shirt? Can't she pay for her food? Oh, its the thrill of getting caught isn't it. That's why rich people steal, always an adrenaline rush. Brit, pay for your produce!
Britney, I would love to introduce you to something I call " maternity clothes". Amazing really. When you are with child, there is a place you can shop where- and now this is really something- they have clothes to fit your expanding figure! I know, for real! I ain't shitting you.
Try as she might, Britney cannot fit into clothes from the juniors department nor can she borrow Jamie Lynn's shirts. You know the day is going to come when we will see Brit out and about wearing a pair of slippers and an industrial strength bra because quite simply, nothing else will fit. I hope she plans on nursing because it would be a real shame to waste those plentiful jugs on Kevin only. Sources say he loves to be dressed like a baby, diapered and spanked and now, breastfed. He has a big pacifier and bib too. Just think about that for a moment.
I hear Kevin sprinkles Miracle Gro on her boobs at night while she sleeps, then he gets his little plastic watering can, water's her chest and watches them expand just like Sea Monkeys. He is one sly bastard.
This is Angelina's ex-husband, Johnny Lee Miller. He is sporting what I like to call Unibomber Chic or Escaped Mental Patient Couture. Scraggly beard, wild eyes and rumpled clothes. The look attracts all kind of women. I believe Ethan Hawke is a fan of this popular way of dressing.
Daniel Day Lewis also partakes in the trend of dressing like a cardboad box dweller but he likes to add a splash of color and wraps a pink tie around his neck.
Angelina is gazing at him like a teenager in love, clutching her school books to her chest."Gee Johnny, can we go to the ice cream parlor together?"
No matter how she looks at him however, we hear that she is still involved with the Pittster and son Maddox likes Brad very much. He even wanted to cut his mohawk in order to look more like Brad. Aww, now they look... exactly nothing alike.
I want to see if Angie and Brad show up together at the premiere of Mr. and Mrs. Smith, hanging all over each other, licking each others ears and exchanging vials of bat droppings. I hear the movie is muy caliente! I can't wait to see it. I'll be at the premiere with my stretch Hummer and my boyfriend and if the movie gets really steamy, I may step out and you know...apply that lip plumping stuff.
Our favorite macrobiotic dieter Gwyneth Paltrow, will be replacing that old hag, Liz Hurley as the face of Estee Lauder cosmetics. She will appear in an ad for Pleasures, a perfume from Estee. It actually smells quite nice, I used to wear it a few years ago. Other than that I try to stay away from Estee.
When I think of Estee Lauder, I think of old wrinkled ladies with heavily powdered skin, wearing a big fur coat, a gaudy ring on each finger asking for the cloyingly potent Youth Dew.
I do not know of anyone in my own hip circle of trendy fashionistas who wears Estee Lauder. Yes, I am well aware the conglomerate owns several different branches of cosmetic giants including Clinique, MAC, Origins and Revlon.
Gwyn stands to make millions as a spokesperson and I can't fault her for signing on the dotted line. Heck if I got the chance, I would do the same. Except I'd like to be the face of Benefit, Stila or Burger King. Tampons or douche- no thanks. Presenting the new face of the caramel frappucino, Distressed Jeans! Yes. Yes. I see it now.
Home Alone star Macaulay Culkin is set to pen a literary masterpiece based on his troubled childhood. He recently signed a deal with Miramax books, meanwhile I'm searching high and low for an agent to represent my own novel which has nothing to do with my childhood or my fame. Or Mac Culkin or Michael Jackson. Or my dream of being famous and wearing glorious clothes, but enough about me!
Mac "divorced" his parents so he could control his millions. Perhaps this was part of his long term goal, knowing someday he would be able to write about the emancipation. I hear it's very cathartic to write about your childhood. Does anyone want to read about my braces and headgear?
Culkin's novel Junior is, and I have to quote this, "a dizzying kaleidoscope of words and images. Culkin takes readers on a twisted tour of the darkest corners of his fertile imagination. Part memoir, part rant, part comedic tour de force, Junior is full of the hard-won wisdom of Culkin's quest to come to terms with the awesome pressures of childhood mega-stardom and family dysfunction."
Hard- won wisdom? Isn't he only, like twenty five years old? But you know me, I'm always interested in a twisted tour of dark and frightening corners. Sounds like the book may come with a complimentary package of magic mushrooms to accompany the head splitting, stomach jarring, diarrhea inducing ride of a book.
Monday, May 23
Paris, demonstrating how she calls out "Oh oh Oh Paris!!" during intimate moments with her self- titled boyfriend, Paris. Thanks for the visual! No bra? I detect nips. Nice.
Trying to prove everyone wrong and appear to be happily married without the Johnny Knoxville affair hanging over them like a big black fart cloud , Nick and Jessica walk hand in hand. They sure do look in love!
I like Nick's pants but not the Timberland construction boots. Her rolled up jeans make Jessica's legs look stocky. Ladies, do not repeat that at home! Her brown shoes remind me of gladiator sandals with an uncomfortable curly toe and a dagger- like heel. Who is her stylist? I give points for the enormous leather bag which is so great for carrying around various pets and drugs and I do like the belt. As I have told her many times before, a happy smile is worth more than the best clothes money can buy. Cheer up Jessica! You have big boobs, millions of dollars and a hot hubby. What more is there?
Lindsay should not have been so quick to announce she is going to be in the next Mission Impossible movie. Elisha Cuthbert who stars in the House of Wax movie with Paris "blow job lips" Hilton, has been talking to producers and may end up with the starring role.
Take that Lohan! Elisha may be a strung out druggie too but at least she has hips. At this point, casting will be determined by who has the highest body fat index and who will be willing to hear Tom Cruise yammer about Scientology endlessly between takes.
Nice jacked up grill there, Cruise.
Tom Cruise wants to recommend vitamins, not Paxil for actress Brooke Sheilds who suffered from depression after she gave birth to her daughter.
Tom, obviously a scholar of depressive behavior and treatment, told Access Hollywood, "These drugs are dangerous. I have actually helped people come off. When you talk about postpartum, you can take people today, women, and what you do is you use vitamins."
That's really something. Because I've been singing the praises of my Prozac while endorsing Flintsones chewables. Tom goes on to vomit forth wise words saying, "There is a hormonal thing that is going on, scientifically, you can prove that. But when you talk about emotional, chemical imbalances in people, there is no science behind that. You can use vitamins to help a woman through those things."
Really! So when can I book an appointment with Tom to talk through my addiction to prescription drugs? And please clarify this for me because I just do not recall, when was he last pregnant?
I've got Gwyneth telling me not to consume hydrogenated oils and white flour, Tom is forcing me to walk away from my beloved mental health happy pills, Nicole Kidman is reminding me not to drink caffeine and Goldie Hawn is requesting I stop using hair spray because I'm wearing my own personal hole through the ozone. I just can't take the pressure! Let me eat what I want, when I want and take my drugs and use my hairspray.
Sunday, May 22
The little people
Mary Kate Olsen, with her boyfriend in Europe over this weekend. MK looks like a character from Sesame Street, a little hand puppet from the Muppet Factory.
The green scarf makes it look as though her shoulders sprout from beneath her ears. Is she wearing Nana's lace tablecloth and an antique dust ruffle as a dress? Big sunglasses, big hat, little girl. I wonder if her boyfriend is afraid if he touches her, she will shatter like a crystal figurine. She might be about as big as Verne Troyer at this point. The incredible shrinking Olsen twin.
Did you see the cigarette in her hand? It's longer than her fingers. I don't think I've ever seen MK looking more pathetic and child-like. We need to put a photo of her on a coffee can and leave it next to the register at the grocery store, like one of Jerry's kids. A telethon to Help Save MK.
White beret? Check! Big bag full of Colon Blow and Ex-lax? Check! A days supply of coke? Check! Flashdance- inspired off- the- shoulder designer shirt with ugly pattern? Check! Vintage spandex-lycra clingy leggings circa 1989? Check!
Oh Lohan, please don't try to bring back that fashion fart of my highschool years. Why do this to me? At least could you choose something a little more flattering like teased bangs and big winged hair? Not the leggings! Even a Tapper Keeper or neon socks would be better than skin tight pants.
Grab your vodkatinis. It's time to chat!
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