Conversations about Famous People: 04/01/2005

Saturday, April 30

Please! Doesn't Paris have a minion on the Hilton payroll to make sure she doesn't expose her thighs while getting into the limo? I'd love to see a trail of toilet paper flowing from under that dress. Talk about a money shot!

Worse than a poopy diaper

Do you find yourself asking, WHY? Do you feel the need to vomit? Has the photo/appearence of Tom and Katie replaced your need for laxatives? Is it true the Olsen twins only have to look at Tom and they lose their appetite? Do your butt cheeks clench when Tom calls Katie his "girlfriend"? And more to the point, how can I sign up to be a beard?

I'd love to be friends with a gay guy a la Tom, keep his secrets, spend his money, shop together, eat out and then not have to worry about sex complicating the whole deal. I don't have a movie coming out soon, like Katie and Tom do, so I don't have big ulterior motives other than to accept gifts of designer clothing and a few pairs of Jimmy Choos. An Infiniti would be nice too. A day a week at a spa would really seal the deal and I wouldn't tell a soul he favors those of the male persuasion.

I think Katie has it made! Lucky girl. I wonder if she has to sit through any Scientology bullshit. That would definately require diamonds. If I had to sit through Battlefield Earth or go to a "get together" at *John Travolta's house, I would demand expensive French perfume and a first class trip to Paris.

Do their publicists work out the details? Is this a two year contract? After his War of the Worlds comes out and her Batman movie hits the theaters, will there be a breakup? Did anyone else hear of Tom being compared to Rock Hudson? Hmmm. Is he out of the closet to everyone but himself? This career of being beard is one sweet deal. Sign me up. Does Orlando need a chick to cover for him? I hear he has a contract with Kate Bosworth thats due to expire soon.

* My extensive celebrity research has lead me to find out John's son is not his biological child. Yes, John is allegedly gay but keep these between us, okay? Why do you think he loves flying in the cockpit so much?

Surprise!

There are times when I find K. Fed oddly sexy. I know, I already checked my temp and took my medications so I'm not feverish or high and I haven't been drinking since this morning. There's just something about his greasy long hair and tattoos, his low riding capri pants and slightly cushy beer belly, inviting and soft like a hard boiled egg. I find it strangely endearing how he calls women "bitches" and is constantly photographed with a burning, ashy cigarette dangling from his lips. Do you ever find yourself wanting to lick his five o' clock shadow?

You know the seasons are changing when Kev changes his signature puffy Nikes for a pair of flip flops. I'm glad to see his toenails are trimmed and he doesn't show signs of foot fungus. I've read that Britney loves to bite her own toenails, I wonder if she is responsible for giving K. Fed a personalized pedicure? Sexy or not, I don't put anyone's feet in my mouth. Unless they are pickled pigs and come in a jar.

Friday, April 29

Guess who?

So wrong! So gross! So fake!

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes together seems so wrong. It's like he is dating his little sister or neice. And that's gross. Dating Tom is just plain gross, Battlefield Earth costumes and L. Ron Hubbard posters aside. Maybe Tom would be a fun friend to have, he has connections and gets to the front of those long Disneyland lines. Also he gets great tables in restaurants which is what I look for in a friend. Tom, call me!

According to Sky News, Katie insists she wants to remain a virgin until she gets married so we can all rest knowing Tom is not deflowering innocent Katie. He is trying to romance the 26 year old and filled their hotel with red roses, bought her jewelry and had several Giorgio Armani outfits delivered to her- forty in fact. Imagine what he would buy if she was putting out! But he's not into chicks, maybe he's trying to orchestrate a meeting with Chris Klein?

Perhaps he is treating himself to red roses and new clothes while Katie sleeps on the couch. After their movies come out, they will break up and he will go on Oprah and lament his relationship woes while crossing his fingers behind his back. Later he will sneak off the Blue Oyster for a drink, disco music and male eye candy where he will run into Gay Al Reynolds. Surprise!

Get your pregnant Britney doll while supplies last! This was sent to me by a loyal reader who thought this cute little doll looked exactly like Britney. She just needs a manpri wearing companion with accessories like a playstation, keg of beer, multiple packs of cigarettes, puffy unlaced shoes, and scratch and sniff armpits.

Let's call Mattel and have them get started on this money maker right away! Trailer park play set not included.

Reese Withertoe

I love yoga just as much as the next Hollywood starlet. I also love pilates and anything else thats in style at the moment. Yogalates? I'm all over it. Balance ball? Got three. Ben wa balls? Wait, wrong exercise, wrong blog for that. But I digress.

Along with yoga comes the obligatory appropriate stretch pants and cute shirt. But here Reese Witherspoon kindly demonstrates why you should avoid wearing the polyester-cotton blended yoga pants in size small. Camel Toe, anyone? Do yourself a favor and wear the pants loose. And for heavens sake, don't pull the seam up into your coochie! Can we bring sweat pants back into style? I'll have to ask Nicky to design some Chick pants, extra baggy. There's nothing worse than a bad case of camel toe in exercise class. I certainly can't meditate with a CT in front of me. It makes me laugh and then I feel nauseas.

Oh Paula! Such a blubbering mess! Crying on national television like she just lost her last bottle of Vicodin. After the whole Corey Clark thing came out, she's a little on edge and we can see why. He's on par with K. Fed- greasy, oily and dirty and trying to make a buck off his alleged affair with Ms. Abdul.

As we speak, poor Paula is most likely safe in the arms of Constantine, the latest casualty voted off American Idol. He of the yellowed teeth, weak chin and circular head. His faux kicks and eye pimping of the camera drove Paula out of her seat every performance where she waited backstage with a note: "Meet me at my house tonight. Guest room. Wear your tightest pants and dont forget to gell your hair."

I have never seen Paula this upset over someone sent packing. Packing heat that is! Her face full of Wet'N Wild was washed away with her tears and she went into the audience to console Constantines mother, telling him she would "take care of him" and we know what that means, don't we?

Filary Puff

Is Hilary Duff walking with a tranny? She is trying to shake her Lizzie McGuire image, obviously. I love her partners hair, it's very Ryan Cabrerra-ish.

Listen, I've spoken to Hil about her large white chiclet veneers and I've comforted her and assured her that despite her teeth, she is a pretty girl. I made a covert reference to cankles but she didn't pick up on the hint. Then I asked her if she thought piano key legs were attractive.

When we went to Barnes and Noble I "accidentally" knocked an exercise book off the shelf which just happened to be about building up calf muscles. She made a beeline for the how to book entitled, How to Be A Rock Star In Ten Days or Less and ignored me for the rest of the day, I have no idea why.

Mystery novel~

Sometimes I'm just in the mood for a good murder mystery. I love Kate White's fun suspense novels and now I have been introduced to The Good Girls Guide to Murder by Susan McBride. It was released in February of 2005, was a BookSense pick for February and an IMBA paperback bestseller. This one features the death of ego-in-pumps domestic guru Marilee Mabry, who makes Martha Stewart look as honest as Abe Lincoln and as sweet as candy. With plenty of suspects in the picture, Dallas debutante dropout and reluctant sleuth Andy Kendricks--and her socialite mother Cissy--have a lot of work to do to uncover the killer. USA Today bestseller Katie MacAlister calls the book: "Exciting, sassy and filled with a deliciously wicked wit!" I'm always in the mood for a delicious mystery!

Once I was out with Ashton Kutcher and a Punk'd set-up got a bit out of control. I'm bound by a gag order not to say anything but lets just say it would make a very good mystery involving white Kabbalah suits and lots and lots of red string. Until I can spill the beans on the mystery of the Kabbalah water and a very upset rabbi, you will have to satisfy your need for suspense by reading this book.

Book!

This book will be out May 1st and I'm looking forward to reading it. As soon as I get back from my upcoming vacation, I will curl up with my pashmina blanket, my ostrich feather slippers and an extremely large cocktail while laying on my chaise and enveloping myself in a fun novel as I have my minions wax my legs and file my nails.

Kat Jones, is an associate fashion editor for the fictional La Style magazine and has been sent to King Arthur's Faire to write an article on the emerging trend of medieval garb in today's fashions. She's cursed by a gypsy and sent back in time to the days of King Arthur where she has to live out the legend. The book has received great reviews and I'm hoping there is wild sex with a handsome knight. I love hard armor!

The author of the book, Marianne Mancusi is a glamorous television producer and snowborder who enjoys wearing Armani and fur (faux of course!) trimmed stilettos. She does not brag but she has won two Emmys which I'm very envious about. Do they give Emmys for blogging? Didn't think so.

Besides having man hands and huge feet, Paris also owns double jointed knees. My leg has to be broken for it to twist like the above photo. And she is wearing grandma's curtains as a dress which is a nice way to recycle, therefore helping the environment. Paris is all about being good to the earth. She is also a smart chickie with pearls of wisdom spewing from her mouth. But sometimes we have to dig a little to find the true meaning of what she says. Below I've taken the liberty of translating for you in bold type. The original interview is here.

"I talk like this because it's cute. I'm young still, so it's fun. I love Marilyn Monroe. She was the coolest blond. Like me, she didn't care about things."

Translation: My parents have tons of money so I can do whatever I want. Also I love drugs and sex and don’t care about the little people.

"Because of my last name, people think I'm spoiled. But I'm really down to earth, and I work harder than most people I know. I get up at 6 a.m., have meetings or photo shoots. Or I'm on the phone talking business or traveling to Tokyo to sell my perfume."

I get up at six, but have my shower hot and my bed made by my maids. My breakfast is cooked by a personal chef and then the butler brings the Bentley around after its been washed by the automotive tech. I have a professional cobbler place the shoes on my feet and a young girl who is interning as my perfume sprayer.

"For 'Simple Life 4,' we're looking at Maui. We want to bring back bikinis and dresses. No more wearing pants."

I want to flaunt my body and I just can't do that on a farm.

"I got over 100 scripts and turned down every one until 'House of Wax.' ... It's a summer movie with teenagers going into the woods and having a crazy psychopath kill them."

Usually the scripts are for porn and I've done that already. I wanted to try something new, like dying on film. I think that’s hot.

"The script was really hot. I had the coolest death scene."

People will pay money to see me pretending to die.

"My stripping scene was really hot. I was so nervous doing it. I had my song 'Screwed' playing."

I was thinking about sex with my boyfriend Paris. When I call out his name, its like I'm talking to myself.

"I've been taking acting lessons for three and a half years. I've been in plays since first grade. I love acting."

My parents paid off the director to include me in the film.

"I avoided the family hotel business because I wouldn't want to just be given something. I have the resources, so I can do it on my own. I want to do a couple of cool boutique hotels in my favorite cities. I have one partner. We both own it. He does the business side, and I design."

I don’t understand the hotel business. I don't understand business. Thats why I have someone doing it with me. I mean for me.

"If you want to be sexy, I'll tell you how to do it. But I'm a woman who makes her own money and doesn't depend on a man. I can marry a plumber and it wouldn't matter."

I could never be poor.

"I have a boyfriend I'm really in love with. His name is Paris [young Greek shipping heir Paris Latsis]. I'm not really friends with old boyfriends. I think it's really disrespectful."

Especially when you make a sex tape with them. That’s really rude. I cant show that to Paris. It would be impolite.

"When I was a teenager, I lived with my grandmother for a year in Palm Springs. She was dying of breast cancer. We had no maids. I'd cook for her. We lived a normal life."

Actually someone came in and cooked for us. I also had an assistant. My mother sent in her maid to help out. Nana had a nurse. I played with the pool boy named Rico.

"I used to be a party girl. Who wouldn't at 16 when everyone's inviting you to clubs that usually you have to be 21 to get into and they're letting you in? I've been to every club and every party. Now I'm over it. I'm too tired."

I'm tired of people saying Nicole is done partying. Why don’t people take me seriously? I hate wearing underpants.

Recently, I worked with Jen Lopez. She was such a diva, ordering me around ! I had to spray the room with a generous squirt of Glow, make sure there were no threads or pieces of lint on the floor, she told me I had to steam her clothes and hand wash her extensions and rinse her false eyelashes in champagne. Then she yelled at me because I didn't remember she only likes to drink designer spring water imported from the hills of the Netherlands and I gave her tap water from the bathroom faucet. Warm.

Next thing you know, she informs me I must change my clothes and wear her J. Lo nylon track-pants and an I LOVE J.LO shirt. I thought that was a little much. Secretly I paid off her makeup artist to pile on the eye-shadow and make her skin greasy. I suggested the hairstylist severely pull her hair back from her face like a sumo wrestlers bun. The result is this photo of Jennifer. I offered to spray la Lopez down with a tanning mister, hoping for the opportunity to make big, unsightly splotches on her back but she wouldn't let me because she loves tanning beds and bronzer.

This was after I sent Jennifer Garner a case of Glow, COD delivery. I'm sure Ben laughed about that. I'm still bitter about him rejecting my script idea for Project Greenlight and I will find a way to get back at him, Probably something in the form of a laxative "chocolate bar" on his wedding day. I already sent J. Lo an entire box of them, gift wrapped and mistakenly labeled as French sweets.

Jenny McFarty

In case you are interested, Jenny McCarthy has just penned a new book called Baby Laughs. It's a follow up to her pregnancy memior entitled Belly Laughs. If you want to hear all about how Jenny farted and developed hemmoroids throughout her pregnancy then this is the book for you. I don't have to read the sequel to know that the novel includes baby-related bowel movement and gas stories. I love to hear a good tale about poop, don't you? Maybe even a whole chapter devoted to swollen boobies and sleepless nights, funny!

She might explain the art of the armpit fart and how to blow milk out your nose. But I want to know why David Arquette is picking out her clothes? Nice clown jacket, honey. Next time call me, I'll wrap you in Calvin Klein instead of a headache inducing jigsaw puzzle jacket.

Most Beautiful according to People

Hilary Swank, above- airbrushed

People Magazine has come out with their Most Beautiful People issue. Julia Roberts on the cover because "motherhood has made her even more beautiful" or some bullshit like that. Who comes up with these lists and why is my name not included?

The List of Gorgeous Rich People Who You Can Only Aspire to Be Like includes the following plus a few more:

Jessica Alba
Jennifer Aniston (rumored to be a bee-yotch and coke addict)
Drew Barrymore
Mischa Barton (cant act)
David Beckham (cheats on wife)
Halle Berry (emotionally unstable, good implants)
Orlando Bloom (gay)
Penelope Cruz (beard for gay men)
Patrick Dempsey (remember Cant Buy Me Love? Was married to a woman 25 years older than him)
Johnny Depp (loves all things French)
Hilary Duff (big veneers)
Sara Evans, Country singer
Colin Farrell (dirty, greasy, hates bathes but loves sex with random women)
Jamie Foxx (sex-a-holic)
Mariska Hargitay (gay men love her)
Josh Holloway, Lost
Scarlett Johansson (had sex in an elevator with Benicio Del Toro)
Angelina Jolie (yum! tie me up and slap me with a whip)
Alicia Keys (lesbian)
Heidi Klum
Jude Law (hotness but he is a little short)
Lindsay Lohan (loves self tanner and cocaine)
Eva Mendes (slept her way into the movies)
Jesse Metcalfe, Desperate Housewives (gay)
Sienna Miller (dating Jude Law, lucky girl)
Sandra Oh
Clive Owen
Tyler Perry
Brad Pitt (he can come over and give me humanitarian aid)
Julia Roberts ( ??? only nice to those in her inner circle, can be mean)
Seal (he is hot because he is sooo sweet to Heidi Klum and her baby)
Jessica Simpson (loves coke, Johnny Knoxville and her dad)
Elizabeth Smart, Utah teen
Martha Stewart (prison bitches are hot!)
Hilary Swank (remember her on 90210?)
Usher
Oprah Winfrey (I just read she is secretly gay!)
Kate Winslet (gorgeous, but had plastic surgery)
Ziyi Zhang, House of Flying Daggers

First Tom and Katie, now this?

File this under YUCK. I've never found Ross from Friends cute. He reminds me of a basset hound and he whines when he speaks. He has hang dog eyes and in real life is not too friendly. I wouldn't sleep with him even if he offered me a million dollars like Robert Redford did with Demi Moore in Indecent Propsal.

Once when I was with the cast of Friends, we all went for burritos and tequila shooters. Well, Schwimmy sat in a corner with a long face and kept rolling his eyes every time I opened my mouth which was often because I always have a lot to say. The entire cast was laughing at my jokes and there was David, sulky and a party pooper. He was studying the menu for spelling errors.

Kim Cattrall has been rumored to be dating David. I know she has a really wild sex drive and it's hard to believe Schwimster can keep up. That's something I don't even want to imagine, the two of them locked in a passionate embrace or worse- hog tied to the bed and blindfolded! The two tv stars have been romantically linked as they skip around London, eating at expensive restaurants and "hanging out" together. And by "hanging out" together, I mean they are doing the nasty. They are naked buddies. Which is a better name for a tv show than just friends.

Poor Ellen Barkin! Please send your good wishes and prayers to her. She just wants a simple life, one without a personal chef and the constant presence of minions in her house, waiting to serve her, clean up after her, wipe her butt and pop her zits.

She says, "Sometimes we talk about buying a little apartment, like a normal apartment, where we'd go on weekends, and I'd have my own kitchen, and I could cook. And then I think, 'Yeah, and I could play make-believe I'm normal like I used to be.' Well, that's stupid."

Ellen has been living in a mansion surrounded by a posse of housekeepers, chefs, butlers, personal assistants, hairdressers, gardeners, pool boys, cabana boys, on call masseuses, and an astrologer. She married Revlon billionaire Ron Perelman and ever since, life has been a hardship and a struggle.

I'm choking back the tears as I write this. My heart breaks for Ellen and her life filled of private jets, designer clothes and limo rides. *sniff sniff* First class travel and money in the bank is such a bitch!

Thursday, April 28

DJ AM and Tara

"Pssst. You don't really want to marry Nicole. Come on, stud. Why don't you come with me, you are too good for her. You need a real woman with D-cups. No, really. Let's go home and party. In my jacuzzi. Naked. I do anal. She doesn't have to find out. Jesse Metcalfe? Please! He's gay. Shhh. Don't tell any one. I'm covering for him. No really. A drink? I've had too many! And I've been doing coke in the bathroom, is my nose bleeding again? Who cares about Nicole? She can join us if you insist. But I like it rough and hot. And if I vomit, just roll me over."

Tara has been through most of young Hollywood and is now turning to other people's boyfriends for fun times and booty slapping.

Ready to rrrrrruuummmmmmbbbbbllllle

Cameron Diaz warns the paparazzi not to mess with the likes of her. She is tough and ready to rumble should those cameras get in her face. Her body language suggests she is not above pushing a telephoto lens out of someones hand and smashing it with her flip-flop clad foot. I bet she wishes she had Jennifer Lopez's guide to dealing with those pesky photographers. Come on J. Lo, stop talking and start writing.

Once when I was leading a backpacking expedition through Nepal, I ran into Cam and her posse. She literally took the digital camera out of my hand and threw it, narrowly missing a sherpa. From then on, I cross the street when and if I see her approaching. And the rumors are true, her skin looks like a national geographic map of the Swiss Alps. And she needs blotting papers but I'm not going to be the one to offer them to her.

HELL, no.

Is Katie Tom's newest beard? Does she enjoy anal butt plugs and body chamber hypnosis? Did he recruit Katie as a new Scientology member where she will have sit through endless reruns of Battlefield Earth and befriend Kirstie Alley while bearing Keebler Fudge Stripe cookies?

Katie, get out before the colander is strapped to your head and wires are hooked up to your orifices. The implantation device does not have to be inserted! Just refuse or else you will have no memory of Dawson or his Creek. You will no longer recognize Chris Klein's name. What else are you famous for?

Just ride Tom's coat-tails for all you can. He's used to it. Been there with Nicole and Penelope. Once you star in a few big movies, you two will enjoy a friendly "break-up" and you can go back to your normal dating activities. But if Tom invites you to John's house for an evening of something involving "thespian induced electronic shock wave blood sampling" run for the hills and back into the arms of Chris Klein who is all shaken up over the news.

Big hand, big ..heart?

Paris can use her gigantic hand as a baseball mitt when needed. From all that credit card handling, her hand is extra large and muscular! She can singlehandedly palm a basketball better than the Harlem Globetrotters. She can pitch a softball, lift small children and steer a bus. She can catch a fish, shine a bay window and reach cobwebs. With one hand this girl can play the piano and guitar at the same time. Although her specialty is an instrument called a Skin Flute. No hands required, but it's quite tricky to master.

Paris is so talented, is there nothing this girl cannot do? She shops! She sings! She acts! By the way, I hear House of Wax is hideous. Even though Paris dies a sexy death wearing red lingerie, I strongly feel violence and gore is not healthy for my sensitive emotions.

You can breathe easier knowing Brit had a pair of shorts on underneath her toga. Whew! I thought for a minute she was prancing around with her shirt being worn as a dress. No, our girl has more class than that! Only white trash chicks outside the trailer park wear shirts as dresses!
If revenge is best served cold, then Shar is downright chilly! K. Fed's ex and mother of his two children, Shar Jackson, has created a lipgloss called, He Cheated. Right on! Nothing says "I hate you, you two timing SOB!!" quite like a tube of gloss. She is starting a line of cosmetics which I see being placed next to the Stuff by Duff rack at Target. If you don't mind, Shar, I'd like to try my hand at naming a few cosmetics-

How about:
He Lied, Manpris 1 and Manpris 2, in tan and olive hues, Puffy Shoe, Grease Ball (for controlling oily skin), Going to Vegas, Deadbeat Dad, Sugar Mama, Mullet (bound to be a best-seller!), What Up Fresno, Dirty Underpants, Skanky hooch, Cigarettes and Beer (eyeshadows in shades of black and brown), Walk of Shame, Tabloid tease, He's My Ex, Hip Hop Wigga and Pair uh Dice, not to mention the sultry shade, Weed.

Speaking about how K. Fed callously and heartlessly walked out on her as she was about to give birth, Shar says, "Obviously, God didn't think that's who should be in my life at this particular moment in time and that's all right."

Amen to that, sister! I can set you up on a date with Nick Lachey if you want. I hear that marriage is about to crumble like a sandcastle. Stay tuned, Shar!

Wednesday, April 27

The last time I was at the Cox-Arquette home, I spent an evening sitting in a bean bag chair sipping merlot out of a Ronald McDonald cup. David was dressed as a cowboy and kept trying to "arrest" me. He wore chaps and a holster paired with huge red clown shoes and an enormous ten gallon hat made of foam. If you ever go to the house, beware of the fake dog poop and pretend vomit he likes to leave out for guests. And check your seat before you sit down. Courteney had a great laugh over the whoppee cushion and I couldn't live it down for months.

They like karaoke so chose your song ahead of time. I opted not to sing, but David belted out "Rocky Mountain High" like he was channeling John Denver himself. The night concluded with a bonfire on the beach and David doing cartwheels and splits in the sand. It was quite a site as he was only wearing a polka dot robe and a pair of goggles. Thank goodness he didn't bring out his unicycle this time.

Courteney has just signed on to be the face of skin care product, Kinerase. She says, "Like every woman trying to juggle family and career, I no longer have the time or patience for time-consuming beauty routines. Kinerase is gentle but effectively maintains younger-looking skin. I am proud and excited to represent a product that I have personally enjoyed and recommended to my friends and family."

Oops. She left out the part about professional collagen, micro-dermabrasion, and botox shots that she and her friends and family also enjoy. Do companies really think we're that dumb and we believe actresses use over the counter lotions and creams to keep themselves wrinkle free? Please! Without their monthly botox shots, half these women would be as wrinkled as a Shar pei. Next time I get invited over- which is unlikely since I threw up on Courteneys imported vegetable dyed rug- I'll swipe some Kinerase and let you know how it works.

It's Alan Cumming. Is Alan coming? How does Alan come? Seriously with a last name like that you can create so many double entendres the list is positively endless! If you are bored and have nothing to do at work, fetch a pen and see how many creative ways you can fit the words "Alan" and "Coming" into a sentence. That's okay, no need to share.

Please note the seaweed hair falling into his face. Please, Alan. With a messy coif like that, no one is going to take your new perfume seriously!

With that last name, (his real name is probably Alan Jones) Alan pokes fun at himself and has designed a scent called Cumming and a soon to be released lotion named Cumming All Over You. The perfume "is a rich mix of peat fire, Scotch pine, Scotch whisky and burned rubber". What? A perfume that mixes pine with burned rubber? I love smelling like melted Goodyears. If only he had thought to add a pinch of smelted ore, I would rush out and buy it right away!

Alan offers a stiff competition in the battle of perfumes. The Olsen twins, Celine Dion, Donald Trump, Jennifer Lopez and Paris Hilton are just a few of the super stars with their own magic potions available to us common people! Do you want to smell like a star? I do!

Donald's manly scent carries the odor of newly minted dollar bills and burnished gold, the Olsen girls have two exclusive perfumes reminiscent of coffee and fiber pills, Celine's perfume smells oddly of aged cheese, Paris Hiltons signature scent is of dirty hotel bedsheets and I have yet to indulge my nose in an whiff of Jennifer Lopez's perfume but according to Pamela Anderson, it smells of wet dog. Yum!

I personally enjoy a burned toast fragrance mixed with the delicate spice of Cumin and a hint of sage. I call it Distressed in the Morning.

The night crawler

Tara Reid is one horny drunken bee-yotch! Jesse Metcalfe is reportedly embarrassed to be seen with boozy Tara and spent an evening hiding from her last weekend. Each time the busty actress would stumble over to hang on him, Jesse would sprint across the room and hide! He must have been looking for a late night hook-up however, because at the end of the night she got in his car and they drove away together. I hope she didn't puke on his leather seats!

He is strongly denying there is anything going on between him and Tara, he must have simply been giving her a ride home. Note the emphasis on the word ride. There is nothing worse for your career than by having your reputation sullied by a drug- laden, implant exposing hooch with fiery loins and venereal warts.

Tara has had quite the string of lovers including Carson Daly, that hockey player, Gary Coleman, Corey Haim, Alan Thicke, members of Backstreet Boys, Ed McMahon, Justin Timberlake, JC Chasez and Tom Brady. As of last week, photos have been circulating of her getting very intimate with Nicole Richie's fianceé. Back off Tara, DJ AM is off limits but if you're desperate and have a few dollars, Kevin Federline could be available.

Tuesday, April 26

While Kevin is out spending money on cigarettes, weed and hookers, thrifty Britney wraps a pillowcase around herself and goes shopping. I understand her thinking process: when you're pregnant, it just doesnt make sense to buy an entirely new wardrobe that will only be used for nine months. Plus, maternity wear just doesn't cater to pop stars who favor short shorts and extra small miniskirts.

Rather than drop a couple grand at Pea in the Pod, she creates her own maternity-wear by using a white pillowcase and a safety pin. To ward off varicose veins, she slips on the next best thing to slippers; Uggs. I see a line of maternity clothes in the future and she will call it SpearsWear, By Britney!

Funny coincidence, when I get out of the shower I wrap a towel around myself and put my hair on top of my head. I often wish I could trot down to the video store in my own slippers sans street clothes or shoes. Looks like Britney is paving the way for us to bid farewell to the concept of "getting dressed" before we head out the door.

Madge in Boots!

Madonna has agreed to join the cast of the spin off movie, Puss in Boots.

She is insisting Puss wear a red string bracelet and wants her character called "Esther". She also would like her animated persona to wear a nuns habit and speak with a faux British accent. Madonna requests her character be shown drinking the new Kabbalah energy beverage and carry a Chanel bag.

Madge can't wait to get started on a new movie, her children keep complaining they don't want to watch Truth or Dare yet again!

Pass the JS please!

Jessica Simpson is being passed around more than a bong at a frat party! Jess was spotted kissing Johnny Knoxville during the filming of Dukes of Hazzard and various people have commented on her and Johnny making out and stroking hands among other things.

Recently she was out with Bam Margera, who has broken up with his steady girlfriend. Is Jessica still married? Because the married women I know don't usually make out /stroke/ hold hands / sit on laps/ drink/ kiss/ other men. And let's not forget the trainer she was supposed to be dating while filming DOH. Jess, don't those marriage vows mean anything?

Tabloids have been reporting trouble in paradise for a long time. How much eye rolling can Nick do every time Jess opens her pouty cotton candy flavored mouth? And how many lap dances can Nick get until Jessica blows her stack? Although Jess and Nick deny all reports of a troubled union, sadly unless one of them drops out of the entertainment business, they are headed for Divorce Court.

According to my extensive relationship studies, men cheat for sex and women cheat for emotional comfort. So we can surmise that Jess is cheating for Johnny and Bam's ability to converse and comfort, and Nick is looking elsewhere for fierce donkey sex.

How To...

That Jennifer Lopez has a Swarovski crystal studded heart of pure gold. Obviously thinking of me and the run ins I often have with the paparazzi, she has generously offered to create a book entitled, The Idiots Guide to Dealing With Paparazzi. Well sister, add an order to my amazon.com cart! I'm all over it. I break down in tears whenever someone takes my photo while I'm shopping or out getting drunk with Tara and Paris. Many times I've had my drunken ass photographed as I stumble out of yet another club only to find my face- or actually my sleeve- in Star Magazine.

When I'm home at night, writing in my journal I ask, Would someone please write a book on how to deal? A step by step guide? I wish I had a rule book, a guide, a self help guru to bring me through the tough times. And like manna from heaven, J Lo delivers.

She wants to take away our pain, fellow D-listers. The constant glare of the cameras, the name calling, the articles that turn up in random tabloids...like the Penny Saver. I just cannot stand it one minute longer! The stress of being in demand is wearing me down. I just might announce my trip to rehab for "exhaustion" in the near future.

The fur wearing dancer/model/actress/singer says, "Nobody likes to hear somebody in the public eye, who they feel makes a lot of money, complain. So we don't, but it is a very strange thing. Nobody writes books about how to deal with that, so I think I'll do that next."

You don't think a qualified psychiatrist could possibly pen such a manuscript, do you? No, it takes some J Lo power to get this job done. A look into my crystal ball allows me to visualize a book with Jennifer's face on the cover. Flaps with perfume samples of Glow. A pullout centerfold of J. Lo in tight pants. A free compact disc of Rebirth. An advertisement for her new shoe line. Inside photos of Sweetface. A sprinkle of confetti.

I may be mistaken but I feel her audience is a bit narrow and I'm grasping for straws here but I don't see The Everything Guide: How to Avoid the Paparazzi shooting up the New York Times Bestseller list. Considering middle-class, book buying, Barnes and Noble loving America is neither:
1.) famous
2.) stalked by paparazzi

Sorry Jenny from the Block. Pick a career and focus on it. Leave the writing to the little people.

PS. Coming soon, Distressed Jeans perfume and body spray!

Who's your fishnet wearing daddy?

It's not a secret that Carmen and Dave want a baby. And they will make excellent parents. I love to see an infant with black nails and a nipple ring, it's so cute! And bar none- babies in fishnets (boy or girl) are totally adorable.

Remember Carmen and Dave's wedding announcement where they lay naked on a slab at the morgue complete with toe tags and gray skin? Okay, think of that with babies! CUTE. Nothing says love quite like pretending to be dead. For the nursery, I suggest they frame life-size posters of Marilyn Manson and play Eminem songs. Paint the walls black for a simple, mellow feeling that is so important to infants. And red light bulbs will set off a luminious glow.

With Carmen's creativity in mind, I tried to send out birthday party invitations where I was nude with my throat slit but people didn't find that very humorous. And then when I sent those Christmas cards with my body outlined in chalk- again, no sense of humor. Do I have dry friends or what? I'm hoping my 4th of July cards will be a bigger hit- me naked, handcuffed and tied up, gagged and blindfolded. Isn't that a hoot?

1-800-LOVE-ME

Anwar is looking for loooveeee. Do you watch American Idol? I do. Do you love to see Paula appearing to slur her speech while trying not to whap herself in the neck with her ultra-enormous dangly earrings? And do you wonder when Simon will discover there is more to mens fashion than XS knit pullover shirts? Do you find yourself wondering if girls can be included in Randy's "Dawg pound"? Will Constantine discover Crest white strips? Will Bo find a pair of scissors and some hair conditioner?

I didn't realize that Anwar was gay. My gaydar is sadly out of commission! Then I saw Anwar doing a skip and a jig to some disco tunes and it dawned on me: Anwar and Paula wouldn't be hooking up this season, much to Paula's dismay.

I surfed the internet looking for fat, juicy celebrity gossip and instead I found a link to Anwar's computer dating classified advertisement. Oh, Anwar! Couldn't you make the relationship work with Anthony? You two are like a tangible chocolate and vanilla treat!

Anwar's departure from the show made me sad, but not as sad as I felt when I learned Anwar favored tight striped pants and sleeveless tee shirts.

vicious greedy sex with unicorns!

Look, I know you're tired of seeing Lindsay, Paris, Nicole and Britney. But that's who is in the news these days, people. For a break, I'm posting Brad and Angie but have no fear, you will see more of Britney and others this week.

I came across two photos I thought would look nice positioned together. The first is from Mr. and Mrs. Smith, the second is Jennifer Aniston's reaction to finding out that Angelina likes to dress in a rubber suit and lets Brad spank her with a paddle made of nails. Disturbing, I know. I don't make this stuff up, I just report it.

The photo of Jen is going to be plastered on the cover of the tabloids this week with the caption, "Jennifer is feeling sick over Brad and Angelina".

I think a more suitable and a eye catching caption would read: "JEN DISCOVERS BRAD AND ANGIE LIKE TO DRESS AS CLOWNS AND HAVE RAPACIOUS SEX WITH CIRCUS ELEPHANTS!" Has more of a ring to it, wouldn't you say?

Monday, April 25

I wasn't invited so I don't know for sure, but was the dress code for the TriBeCa film festival "slobby chic"? Damn those Olsens! Look what they started! Did Liev Schreiber call Sally Kirkland so they could plan their outfits and show up as twins?

"Hi, its me, what are you wearing?"
"Im thinking layers."
"Me too. Scarf?"
"Definintely."
"With stripes or without?"
"With! And it will clash with my shirt and pants. There is no way I'm doing black tie for this."
"Me too. Im wearing yesterdays clothes."
"Are you going to put the gold tinsel in your hair?"
"You bet! Are you going with the homo erotic porn star mustache?"
"Of course."
"Uggs?"
"What else? Make sure you tuck your pants in, this event is semi-formal. We need to look like we care but not too much."
"You know we can get away with wearing whatever we want, we master thespians. No one cares what we wear."

Top Carb

There was once a time when Val Kilmer was good looking. Remember back in Top Gun? Back when we thought Tom Cruise was heterosexual? Yeah, then! So long ago. And who can forget Val as Jim Morrison in the Doors movie? Hotness!

Well, time and carbohydrates have not been kind to Val. He has just spent week chugging beer and eating white bread along with a stint in the tanning bed and a highlight touchup at Elizabeth Arden. His face looks soft and pillowy, a good place to take a nap. Does he have a liver problem I am not aware of? I haven't seen bloat that bad since the photo of Brendan Fraser I posted last week.

Are you friends with Paris? Sharing Colon Blow with an Olsen twin?

If you've been lucky enough to witness a sighting of a celebrity- A list or B, even a C- lister, please email me and let me know what happened!

First hand gossip? Are you in the movie biz and need to blurt out the truth about what goes on in a certain someones trailer during filming? Does Julia Roberts really smell like cabbage and does J. Lo insist on white flowers in her dressing room and a plunger in the bathroom?

Spill it! Email me at: distressedjeans@juno.com

K. Fed is one stiff wind from falling off the railing and cracking his pot soaked brain on concrete!

Smoking around your pregnant wife is just as considerate as selling photos of your wedding day. I just uncovered the fact that it was Mr. Spears who sold off pictures of their special day for $2.3 million, and the cold hard cash is sitting in his own private bank account! Do you think he pays for his own cigarettes and manpris or is the Bank Of Britney funding his lifestyle?

I wonder how much he will fetch for photos of Kevney/Kittney? It's bad to pimp out photos of your wife but even worse to do it when it's your newborn baby. But we know he isn't above it. He is a businessman after all and needs to look out for his assets.

A man scratching his butt wearing nothing but a wifebeater is HOT. Can you smell the body odor rising off his greasy body?

Sunday, April 24

Starf

Our favorite fur wearing, self promoting wind bag got dumped! Star Jones got the heave-ho from her publicist. Does that make you wet your pants with glee? We have yet to see what happens when her View contract is up. I would love to host The View, or at least do a guest spot to fill in while they find her replacement! Distressed Jeans on national television, do you think Baba Wawa would ever agree to it?

In an unrelated story, confusion was turned to sadness and vomiting as we learned from E! that the rumors stating Star was fired were declared "unfortunate and misleading". WHAT? Why?
There has been no firm decision made to determine Star's red carpet future as of press time. I say fire her big brown ass! But the E! channel insists: "..Star led us to substantial victories each time," referring to the awards ceremonies she unfortunately hosts, creating a lot of gagging and choking by me each time she interviews an actor. I fill my diaper every time I see her in a tight gown with pounds of bling around her neck and Big Gay Al standing in the wings, preening in his compact. So... you think the high ratings has anything to do with hysterical Kathy Griffin?

The E! channel further climbs up Stars buttocks by proclaiming "We love Star!"

Well, we don't!

Did you ever realize that Star is one letter away from Farts?

Thar she blows

Ouch! One more snort of coke and her swollen head is going to explode. Lindsay looks very much like Nancy Reagan in this photo. Enormous noggin and teeny shoulders, I can count her bones and name them in latin. Besides being a reptile specialist, I also studied medicine and know the latin names for body parts. I know, my brilliance has no end.

I hope the cup in her hand is Kool-Aid made with a stick of butter and some lard. I'd love to see her fill out a little, being healthy is better than being a walking skeleton. Stop the laxatives, honey! Your colon is going to start unraveling and then no one is going to want to work with you!

Plus all that coke isn't good for your nose, its going to collapse and then all you will have is two nostrils and no cartilage to hold it up. Men don't really find that attractive no matter how big your boobies are.

Just got a new book...

I'm am headed for a short vacation soon and I need books to take with me. I'm not a television watcher unless American Idol, Amazing Race, Survivor or Apprentice is available. I must have something do while I'm getting my nails buffed and my eyelashes individually dyed. Not to mention the massage with rare oil and heated lava rocks or the hair treatment with white truffles and caviar. And after tonights episode of Dr. 90210, I might try some anal bleaching! Clorox, anyone?

I got a novel called The Diva's Guide to Selling Your Soul. It combines gossip with a character from New Jersey with humor and a some biting dialogue. The book got high marks from real life gossip columnist, Michael Gross. He loved it!

If I had an autobiography I would call it The Diva's Guide to Writing About Celebrities, so you can see what attracted me to this book. A diva? Hello, I am so there. Would I sell my soul to be very famous, appear on television and have millions in the bank? Would you?

There was a time when I thought Ben Affleck was hot. This is not the time.

Saturday, April 23

OPRAH

From the Oprah show:

Is it your WILDEST DREAM to meet .....hang with...... and be like Lindsay Lohan? Or do you know someone who is REALLY REALLY deserving and would absolutely FREAK OUT to meet the teen princess up close and personal for a day? If you think you're Lindsay's biggest fan...Prove it! SEND US A TAPE THIS WEEK!! Tell us how has Lindsay changed your life? What does lindsay mean to you? What would your dream day with Lindsay include?Write or Tape your contact information on the case of your videotape and on your letter, then mail it ASAP to:The Oprah Winfrey Show

CALLING ALL LINDSAY LOHAN FANS!!!!
c/o TEAM AWPO BOX 917940Chicago Il. 60661

Dear Oprah,

I would love to meet Lindsay Lohan. She has changed my life drastically. One day I was sitting at my computer when I came across photos of her with her gigantic implants bursting out of a blue dress. I was so inspired, I started a blog. Since then, I feature Lindsay quite frequently since she is always doing things that are so gossipy and newsworthy such as dating Bruce Willis and doing blow with Paris Hilton, let me not forget her booty call with Wilmerama. Or her tanning issues and weight loss. Or her crazy, coked out mother. I want to hang with her for one day and actually take care of her, covering her in warm quilts and making her green tea and we could watch girly movies together and page through Vogue. Then I would take her to dinner at Red Lobster and we would giggle about crabs. Afterwards, we would get ice cream and to be funny, I would push her face in it and laugh, just kidding! We would finish up the night with no alcohol, cigarettes, men or club hopping, instead I would read to her from "Are you there God, its me, Margaret?" I would then tuck her in, kiss her forehead and wish her sweet dreams.

Please Oprah, pick me!! I would like you to include an all expense paid, first class trip to Chicago to meet with you and have a VIP tour of Harpo studios. I wouldnt mind being a guest on your show, I have tons to say! Thanks, and you are looking fabulous, girlfriend.

xo
Distressed Jeans

Not to turn this into Conversations About Lindsay Lohan, but here she is again. People, I'm looking at this photo with a magnifying glass trying to see what is different about her. Her nose? Her skin? Her self tanner stained palms?

Seriously, she looks way different than she used to and I demand to know if there was plastic surgery involved! Its our right as a celebrity obsessed culture to find out all information regarding LL's trip under the knife!

Lindsay, you were gorgeous back when you made the remake of The Parent Trap. You were cute as a button in Mean Girls. What happened? I see lighter hair and eyebrows, a sharper nose and those darling freckles are covered up. What am I missing?

For those of you who wanted a photo of Diane Keaton, here she is. Clearly an attractive woman if not quirky and clearly attached to turtlenecks. Maybe Keanu was tired of dating women his own age and wanted someone who was actually alive when The Godfather movies came out, even better she was in the movie looking very pretty! More information to come as I get word through my secret Morse code system and smoke signals from Hollywood.

Brad, Angie and Maddox on the beach..awww!

My dear friend Rosemary sent this to me: "The photo was taken in Morocco where Brad is there to start filming Babel. It doesn't say what Angelina is doing in Morocco with her son Maddox. The New York Daily News reports that a tabloid bidding frenzy erupted over the set of two dozen photos taken of Brad, Angelina and her son Maddox on the beach, Brad and Angelina romantically together in warm street clothes, Brad on a tropical air strip being met by a driver. US Weekly won the bid at a staggering $1 million US for the photo rights and yes....it will be coming to a US Weekly. The Sun UK has won the European rights to publish the photos and it's already on your news stand now."

Thanks for sending me the information! And who else thinks once Mr. And Mrs. Smith comes out, so will Brad and Angelina? They make a great couple and their kids would be gorgeous. Bradgelina. Love it!

PS Glad to see Maddox trimmed his mohawk!

Let me ponder that ...

Jennifer Lopez Anthony contemplating her usage of fur:

"Hmmm. I really love the luxury of fur. And I'm well worth the ten snow leopards it takes to make a shrug. And my mink blended eyelashes are to die for. I cannot give up my donkey tail hair extensions! PETA must be kidding. I swaddle myself in a mountain goat/ emu wrap and buy illegal camel hair sweaters from a guy in down town LA who sells them out of his van.

Hmmm. Will PETA really protest my love of wearing fur during the opening of Monster- in -Law? Whatever happens I will NOT redo the Sweetface line. My pants are trimmed with rabbit fur and the shirts have genuine poodle hair, coats are lined with gerbil fur and hotpants are culled from the rarest canary feathers. And they expect me to recreate it all with faux materials? Let me think....no."

Get help!

Lindsay, I care for you. Really. The stuff about Bruce Willis and rubbing his bald head was all in fun. The persistent rumors I keep spreading about you and the coke problem, its just for a laugh! Ha ha ha, see? But now its time to pull in the big guns. I hear your cry for help, loud and clear.

Short of checking you into Promises for your reported "exhaustion" and your "flu-like symptoms" not to mention your "twisted ankle", I'm going to invite you into my home and make you a strong cup of tea, laced with nothing other than milk and introduce you to a box of Clairol Natural Instincts. Honey, your monochromatic skin and hair make you look like you just finished a round of chemo. I see in your eyes that you are hung over, strung out, high and living on a single cup of coffee and a night sleeping in your clothes. Everything about you is a sickly brass hue, including the whites of your eyes.

Where is your mother, Dina? Oh right, grooming your little sister to be an actress, escorting her to the clubs and showing her where to go for a good time, gently introducing her to the finer things in life like coke cut with diamond dust and how to get men to pay for your meals, how to cover up freckles but show off implants and most importantly, informing her of the power of the casting couch.

Lindsay, take some time off. Who cares if your mother wants that mansion in Bel Air and a loaded Range Rover with Puff Daddy rims? You need to think about yourself! It is okay to be selfish when your health is concerned. The stress of making back to back movies plus getting your house broken into and I am well aware of your proclivity towards illegal substances, it's enough to drag you down and wear you out. Get some rest, Lindsay and don't be ashamed of your freckles! Freckles are unique and sometimes its good to be different. Leave the pancake makeup at home and stop tanning your skin.

Michelle Tanner, what happened?

If it's wearing ill-fitting clothes and showing off some titties, it's usually Paris- but wait! I was thrown off due to the lack of Starbucks, oversize leather purse and her pursed- monkey- lip- grin. It's none other than half of the Olsen twins, showing off her sternum and breasts! Please don't tell me she didn't know her shirt was completely unbuttoned. Oh, is this a wardrobe problem? The seamstress wasn't on call to sew up the shirt? Is there double stick tape involved? Did she have her "people" run out to the store for a roll? Could they do it now?

She's laughing as if to say, "Yeah, I know! Like, I thought I would try to like, be slutty tonight! Do people even recognize me without my sunglasses? No, really, I'm trying to be sexy. Funny, isn't it?" NO.

Is that the puffy pirate shirt from Seinfeld? Yup. I think it is. It looked better on Jerry!

Demi and Ashton, see what you started?

Hmmm. Could it be that Keanu is thinking about his lady love, Diane Keaton? Or maybe he's wondering if today is a good day to take a bath. According to Sky news, Keanu and Diane are a new couple! Diane can often be found at Keanu's home. She likes to have him rub her corns and bunions and massage ben-gay into her arthritic joints. He also whips up a mean prune juice smoothie!

I wonder if she lets him remove her turtlenecks and gloves? And I know for a fact that Keanu has terrible body odor. I guess Diane likes her men young and smelly! You go girl!

Friday, April 22

Uh oh!

Celebrity Justice reported that Lindsay Lohan's home in Hollywood was broken into! Don't worry, the thief didn't steal her supply of Clarins self tanner or her coupons for Mystic Tan but her laxative stash was reportedly gone. The posters of Bruce Willis, thumb-tacked to the wall, were still intact along with pictures of puppies, unicorns and rainbows.

The burglers took "$10,000 worth of electronic equipment including tv sets which were 61 inches and 42 inches." There's nothing like sneaking around in the middle of the night with a big screen television strapped to your back! A bunch of empty liquor bottles were left on the floor including Belvedere vodka. I thought Lindsay didn't drink? I hope they didn't find the stash of coke she doesn't snort!

The thieves also went through Lindsays bedroom, living room and one of her closets. Only one? Listen, the thought of raiding a star's home has crossed my mind. I just want to rifle through the closet and take all the expensive clothes. Electronics don't do it for me but a size 7.5 pair of Jimmy Choos would make me very happy. No shoes were missing from the Lohan compound. But I think a sex tape might turn up down the road...

Paula, how could you?

Paula, really! COREY CLARK? No seriously, Corey? He of the snaggle teeth, frizzy hair, high pitched upper register? He was the guy who sang a Journey song in a wavering falsetto voice on American Idol and who got dismissed from the show for allegedly hitting his sister and covering up his nasty brush with the law. Down, boy!

For the next nugget of information I suggest you take a strong sip of Wild Turkey and a Xanax. Then close your eyes and meditate. Now you are ready to receive some anal clenching news. Paula Abdul..ahem, seduced the young singer and offered to be his "special friend". There were terms and conditions of course. Nothing in life is free not even sex with Paula.

She told Corey, "Don't screw with me or you'll be sorry!" But screw her he did, in the guest room of her home. Guest room, Paula? Didn't want to dirty your satin sheets on special reserve for someone special? Saving them for Constantine, huh? She also offered Corey $2 million to fund his career. Gigolo, anyone? Sex and a singing career in return for his silence, sweet deal. Skankmeister was told not to tell a soul or else the Cold Hearted Snake would make things hard for him. And by hard things, I'm not talking about his penis, I mean his career!

With that in mind, Corey decided to take the high road and do what any jaded American Idol loser would do- write a book and spill the beans about Paula!

Thursday, April 21

Boo!

I cannot wait for the new reality show with Britney and Kevin! It is going to be awesome. In fact, I'm throwing a big party that night and inviting all my friends to wear their best Britney and K. Red attire. On the menu will be a variety of disgusting deep fried junk foods served with warm Red Bell and Kabbalah water. YUM! Red string bracelets and crystal meth, optional. Play Station and beer will be provided along with a little music from Britney's first album, you know the one that came out while she was still a virgin?

My own outfit will consist of a nude colored body suit and a cobra wrapped around my shoulders. But don't call PETA just yet, Pammy. Besides from being an animal rights activist, I'm also a trained specialist in reptilian science! I hear Brit and Kev are doing the entire show with goblin green faces and using night time vision goggles, putting a fresh spin on the worn out concept of reality tv!

Pam's very large...er, heart

Not only does Pammy have big boobs and big hair, she also has a big heart when it comes to animals. My best friend, Pamela Anderson, called Jennifer Lopez Anthony (that's what she wants to be called now) an "idiot"! Those are fighting words! Jen, do you still remember how to fight using krav maga? Maybe you and Pam can have a dance off. Seemed to work for Britney and Justin! Although personally, I enjoy a good naked mud wrestle to solve problems.

According to US magazine, Pam also said that people who wear fur "smell like a wet dog and they look fat and gross." I imagine that quote can be directed towards our favorite fur wearing piggy, Star Jones.

PETA is planning on stepping up their campaign against Jennifer's fur wearing. It's going to be really tough to get her out of those mink underpants! Where will she rest her weary buttocks if she gets rid of her snow leopard trimmed couch, not to mention her silver fox blanket and chinchilla driving seats! She better find a new material to enjoy- silk is nice but nude is better!

Soul Mates?

I know this amazing lady who is an author, syndicated columnist and soul mate expert. We all want to find our soul mates. Is Brad Pitt my soul mate? Or should I focus on my relationship with Angelina? I asked Dorothy Thompson to give me her thoughts on two popular Hollywood couples. You know those Hollywood unions- they never last. But lets hope for the best because where else is Demi going to find a younger man who will change her diapers when she is 90 and he is 78?

Dorothy says, "My advice Jen and Ben is to get rid of the baggage of past relationships (Michael Vartan, Jennifer Lopez); that's number one. Number two - remember to always give each other space, keep communication open and, above all, accept each other's faults and always encourage each other no matter what. I see good things in their future." Dorothy, do you see Jen bloated and pregnant within the next nine months? Will Ben stop choosing bad movies?

Regarding the 12 year age difference between Ashton and Demi, Dorothy says, "There is never an age difference when it comes to the soul mate relationship. The soul mate
bond takes place within the spirits of the individuals and it doesn't matter what they look like, where they came from or even if they aren't of the same age category. It's the inside - the innerself - where the true soul mate ties lie."

With that being said, I think Britney Spears might actually be my soulmate! Get ready for Auntie Distressed Jeans to move in!

Fight fight fight!

Catfight! Paris is trying something new. She is zipping her lips! No, the other lips. On her face. What were you thinking?

A rift between Paris and Nicole has taken place and I want to know why! Did Nicole not ask Paris to be in her wedding? OOOh, I know. Nicole was the one who leaked the porn video out to the world, that's my guess. There is nothing funnier than watching your best friend have sex on camera and then passing the tape around to all your friends. Why didn't I get a copy? On second thought, no thanks! A lazy eye and two enormous feet doesn't turn me on.

"It's no big secret that Nicole and I are no longer friends," Hilton said. "I will not go into the details of what happened. All I will say is that Nicole knows what she did and that's all I am ever going to say about it."

Funny. I think Tom Cruise uttered those exact words when he and Nicole Kidman broke up! Was there a porn tape involved in that split too?

Let's put the girls in bikinis and jello and let them wrestle it out. On pay- per- view of course, that shit pulls tons of money!

Books!

Lauren Baratz-Logsted is someone I wouldn't mind having a mojito with and dishing the dirt. She is an east coast girl so when I travel back to my hometown, we must to make plans to meet up. I think Sarah Jessica will probably join us, the three of us love to read!

Super cool, funny and smart, Lauren has written two very good, humorous novels with a third on the way. The Thin Pink Line and Crossing the Line feature Jane Taylor, a British heroine who does some unimaginable things to get others to think she is pregnant. You have to read the books to see how her plan unfolds, but lets just say she is quite creative and you will laugh out loud. These books would also make great movies, romantic comedies with a bit of a twist.

It is a Red Dress Ink book, so technically its in the chick-lit category but anyone who enjoys a fun read should give her novels a try. Personally, I'm looking forward to A Little Change of Face which will be out on July 1, 2005.

Simon Cow tits

You know I had to post this. Simon Cowell attends Ryan Seacrest's star on the walk of fame ceremony. What's more insane, Ryan getting a star or Simon Cowell's lactating man boobs? Isnt Ryan only about thirty years old? I thought you had to have a complete impressive body of work behind you. Not so, apparently. Well, get ready because Distressed Jeans wants a star too! I want a pink one with diamond studs.

Simon, please wear a mansiere, a product created by Mr. Costanza on Seinfeld. I see a need for it. Unless Simon is cold or Randy tweaked his tits, there is no reason for man to have such pronounced nipples. It takes the attention away from Ryan on his special day!

Congrats!

I haven't gotten a phone call from Jen Garner yet but sources all over the internet are spewing the news that Jen and Ben are officially engaged. No rare pink diamond for this Jen, she had to settle for a 4.5 carat diamond ring!

I pulled out my crystal ball, lit some candles and peered into the future seeing Jen n' Ben together in the suburbs with a few children (they have big ears unfortunately) and a couple of dogs. Both will be featured in People magazines What Ever Happened To- section. Ben will be prepping for US senator, democrat of course while Jen is content to be home with the children and be a PTA mom. He will win and down the line he will run for president.

Naturally the crystal ball has been wrong before so we shall see what the future holds for the lovebirds!

MMMMMblech

Remember not too long ago, I got all excited because Taylor Hansen was wearing tight pants and he had a massive bulge? No longer is he attractive- no matter what kind of sausagefest is stuffed into his tight jeans. HE HAS A MULLET.

A bonafide, business in the front, party in the back mullet aka hockey hair and Kentucky waterfall. He looks like Celine Dion, do you see it? Not since K. Fed's school photo have we seen a case of hair this horrible. It looks moussed, curled and sprayed which makes it all kind of wrong. He's a man! He's a woman! He's a kid! What the hell is going on? And why aren't they drinking Kaballah water?

Wednesday, April 20

Don't sue me! I don't know these people!

I think we have all seen the photos circulating the web from Coco's baptism in Alabama. Now Court and David are thinking about suing. Gee I wish my blog got as much attention as this fricking email and photo business.

I took creative license and did a little plastic surgery to Jen Aniston and her friend. I wanted to tie a lobster bib around Jen's neck and give her underarm hair. My sad attempt at making her look like Spongebob failed but check out her manicure.

If you haven't read the illicit email here's a snippet:

You guys will LOVE this! (Matt & Courtney especially!!)
My friend Ashley sent me these pictures today, she got them from a friend of hers who is (obviously) close to David and Courteney Arquette. Coco's a cutie, and I love auntie Jen's dress!
Enjoy :) ~ Erin

Okay who is Matt? And why will he and Courtney LOVE it? Matt Perry or Leblanc? Courtney Love or Peldon?

Mish, let me be frank...

Mischa and her coke supplier, I mean her boyfriend, take a stroll and do a little shopping. I see he is letting his sideburns grow out, I think he is going for the modern day chin-length bob for the spring.

I still don't find him attractive even though I have in my closet a shirt like that minus the skull. I really believe he is a slobbery kisser much like P. Diddy, Jay Z and Nick Carter and I could see him having dandruff as well.

Mischa should have paired some curly toed slippers and a court jester hat with her skirt instead of mid calf black booties, that would be stunning and hilarious. I would love to see her calves built up a tad. I would also like to see her with an older ( you know, like age 26) man whose eyes open all the way and perhaps holds down a job. John Stamos is availble and Tom Cruise is looking for a new beard- I mean girlfriend- since it didn't work out with that busty Sofia girl. I think several Backstreet Boys and NSYNC members are single.

Mish, I hate to see you limit yourself. You're young. You are pretty too. And you are a spokesmodel for Keds. That says a lot. So please find a guy who doesn't walk around in a haze of drugs and dirty clothes. I'll place an ad for you and see what we come up with.

If it...

If it looks like an Olsen and dresses like an Olsen and carries a Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf cup but is not a Venti and is engaged to be married and just got replaced by Kimberly Stewart, it must be Nicole Richie.

If her sunglasses were any bigger, she might be confused with a dragonfly. If I wore sunglasses that huge it would appear that the plastic was attacking my head. My friends would laugh and point. I would not be hounded by the paparazzi because they wouldn't know which species I was assigned to. Children would run in fear and I could never show my face in Los Angeles again. But since she is who she is, Nicole or- that bitch as Paris calls her, gets away with it.

Now do we credit Mary Kate, I mean Margaret with this trend or is it something started by old people and adopted by MK and Ash to try and be so ugly that it's suddenly hip? Maybe we could start a trend where wide hips and zits were suddenly really cool to have?

Camel Jay

I could be completely alone in this but I'll take my chances. Each time I see Jay-Z, not only do I think he must drool when he kisses Beyonce, but I see a strong resemblance between him and Joe Camel. Not to be confused with Toe Camel more commonly referred to as Camel toe.

I don't know what it is but I think they look alike. Maybe I'm seeing things because I had lunch with Paula Abdul and we traded pain-killers and slurped a bunch of cocktails down with our Cobb salads. But I think Jay-Z is secretly a cigarette smoking cartoon camel. Beyonce loves those humps.

I came across this cartoon this morning. In case you live in a cave, under a rock or in a place where there is no E! channel, the new movie, Mr. & Mrs. Smith is opening soon. You know, the film that tore Brad and Jen apart, leaving their union in shreds.

I love art, so I appreciate the above picture featuring a jowly Brad Pitt with fuzzy hair and Donald Trump lips, and an Angelina with a double jointed wrist holding a gun.

Pointing guns at each others heads is sexy! Actually, I cannot wait to see this movie. I hope there is gratuitous nudity and lots of sex!! I hear the sizzle between Brad and Angie is so hot, steam comes off the screen. Can you imagine all the women lining up at the theater just to see the two of them together?

Eva offers to have Brad's love child!

Eva wants to be a mom too. Her shirt loudly proclaims, "I WILL HAVE YOUR BABY, BRAD". Eva and Brad? Okay. But I hate to break your heart Eva, honey. Brad is reportedly seeing Mariane Pearl, wife of slain journalist, Daniel Pearl. He and Jennifer bought the rights to her novel, A Mighty Heart a while ago.

Brad is over Angelina and has moved on to a more serious woman. One who doesn't sleep on a bed of nails or put pins under her skin for fun.

Paris wants to be a mom. Moms are hot!

According to Star magazine, Paris wants to have a baby! A child she could dress in mini Chick clothes and carry around in her bag along with her dog. Babies are fun! And cute! And fit so nicely in a Balenciaga bag.

Paris is convinced that her boyfriend is "the one" and wants to follow in the footsteps of Britney- not the Cheetos and Red Bull habit, but the pregnancy part! The photos indicatate Paris should rethink her baby making with Paris Latsis. The infant boy looks like a tranny in need of an eyebrow waxing and the girl looks like Barbara Mandrell, both kids have a faintly orange glow and we all know children don't belong in a tanning booth!

Paris is playing with fire as the magazine reports she has been flying to Nick Carter's house and spending nights with the Backstreet Boy. That's not hot! Didn't he hit her and give her bruises? Paris, stick with your Greek lover, your kids might come out god awful uglicious but at least you wont have black and blue marks on your mystic-tanned body! Plus we all need to view the sex tapes in order to determine who is the best for you. But please keep your monkey toes out of the camera this time.

PS. You and Kimberly would make a great couple, how about it?

Hush, hush my canine companion

Paris sings a lullaby to her dog while shading the pup with the visor from her violent trucker cap.

Later when the camera is out of view, she lifts her tank top and attempts to breastfeed. When that proves unsuccessful, she dresses the dog in a tutu and a pair of petite Chanel ballet flats with a teeny tiara on its head and then shoves it into her large leather satchel and goes shopping.

I wonder if she is teaching this dog to take pictures with her cell phone. You know, Tinkerbell really screwed that up. He never quite learned how to focus. Let's hope Bambi is a better photographer.

Please. Help find a cure for the fashion challenged

If it looks like an Olsen, is dressed like an Olsen but is sporting facial hair then it must be Johnny Depp.

Here he is praying to the fashion gods for a remedy regarding the thing hanging out of his pocket. If it were only socially acceptable for him to carry a purse! I think he would look splendid with a Lariat bag.

His sense of color puts me in a state of confusion- a burgundy cardigan paired with baked bean colored pants? We'll let it slide. Johnny, you're faux european and have body odor but we still love you!

Who's the boss?

Star Jones is the perfect wife. Don't be jealous of big Al. I know you will be after reading this.

The woman knows her place in the home. On The View she announced that her man was "prophet and king" and she, the wife was his "helpmate". Before they exchanged vows in the lavish ceremony that didn't convince us he wasn't batting for the home team, the lovebirds went for counseling and agreed that he was boss and she was his subordinate. The master/slave thing goes over real well when she pulls out those fur trimmed handcuffs.

Somehow I have trouble imagining Star listening to her husband. What that bitch says, goes. And if he doesn't like it, then she will expose him for what we know he is: a man who enjoys feather trimmed shoes, Liza Minelli songs, back waxing, Turkish baths, a love of cashmere and lip-liner and a spritz of verbena body splash.

Tuesday, April 19

Shake it like a polaroid picture

Our favorite, zany, weight-loss queen Anna Nicole shakes her groove thing at an event that featured clog dancers.

I'm very grateful she is wearing underpants. Or that dance could have gotten nasty very quickly. Veneral warts, anyone? Crabs? Lesions? Actually I don't think Anna does a whole lot of sleeping around, so she is most likely disease free. Addiction to prescription drugs? Perhaps. Alcohol and sleeping pills? Yes.

Is that the Macarena or the Chicken dance?

Chubden Fraser

With the pregnancy madness in Hollywood, I'm not surprised to find another person sporting a few extra pounds. What surprises me is that it's Brendan Fraser sporting a double chin and man boobs. Can men get pregnant now? Well, it is the new millenium, anything is possible.

I see he hasn't invested in Burt Reynolds hair plugs yet, looking a tad thin there on top. Hey- I don't mean to be so picky! Brendan was hot and I mean hot in George of the Jungle. I wanted to pull him through my tv, pour oil over him and run my hands over his six-pack abs and sinewy legs. But not so much anymore.

I feel pretty, oh so pretty!

La la la! Mariah is out for stroll in the park and at any moment she will break into song, a little tune about the flowers in April and how she feels so pretty and fresh. The whole thing feels like a scene from a Broadway show. Or a douche commercial.

Funny thing- Anna Wintour, my bulldog is wearing the exact same outfit but she has a tiny parasol she likes me to hold over her when she isn't tucked into my purse. Such a demanding bitch!

I'd like to point out that Mariah (as well as my pup Anna) has the body of a real woman with curves, so for that I thank her for not drinking five Starbucks for lunch with a laxative pie and a fat free slice of cheese for dinner. Keep it up Mariah, you look terrific darling! Although your fashion choices give me pause, I do applaud your womanly shape. I'd like to extend my services as a stylist should you want to hire someone.

Where are the twins?

If it looks like an Olsen and is dressed like an Olsen but has recently given birth to twins, then it's Julia Roberts! Out for a stroll without Mable and Wally. I mean Hazel and Walter (Julia calls him Finn). I was close enough.

Please explain the allure of Julia. Her looks are common, acting talent is marginal at best yet she can demand many millions per film. She has been on the cover of every magazine from Allure to Redbook and has several People magazine covers under her belt. Her personality isn't fantastic - I heard she can be a real bee-yotch and her laugh grates on my nerves, making my ears turn into bloody pulp.

Tell me what's so great about Julia? She's no Britney, thats fo sure.

Demi, you coy minx!

Oky Demi, whats the deal? I see you all over the place with a trenchcoat or big blouse and always a large purse covering your stomach. Its just like when a tv star is pregnant and she's always carrying large boxes or bags in front of her expanding tummy yet we the very smart public know whats going on. So are you pregnant or not? Spill it sister.

In the meantime, Ashton, I hear you are going to have Bruce Willis as your best man at the upcoming nuptials. You're doing it "for the girls"? To show them how you all can get along like a modern day Brady Bunch? I think it would totally cool if Bruce took Lindsay Blohan as his date, that way the girls would have someone their own age to hang out with at the reception. Free Kabbalah juice for everyone!

Is this Big Gay Al Reynolds? Posing with a woman other than Star?

No it isn't, but imagine if it was. That swimsuit is the bomb! Al can order his own from International Male catalogue. I know he must have a copy laying around. I hear it's a gay mans must have!

Monday, April 18

Pam kicks back and takes a break doing whatever it is she does when she's not with Stephen Dorff. Flattering angle, isnt it? I want to say something about camel toe but thats just too obvious.

K. Fed sported a mullet during the 91/92 school year. Look at that feathered hair just brushing his shoulders. There is nothing hotter than a mullet.

Where has she been?

Linda Evangelista. What the heck ever happened to her? She appeared in a George Michael video, ran around with Naomi Campbell and then sort of vanished. Remember when she was the hair color chameleon?

I see Linda and Lindsay Flohan are sharing a bottle of hair color these days. Is it Nutrisse Garnier? Because they are getting rid of Sarah Jessica Parker as a spokewoman for that brand and bringing in Debra Messing. I know, heartwrenching. We all know Debra doesnt dye her hair at home with a box of Nutrisse. Please. She goes to a fancy salon in Los Angeles like every other actress.

Nurtrisse should hire Linda. But no one ever listens to me.

Smells like Duff spirit

If it looks like an Olsen but its carrying its own dog, then it must be a Duff.

Its Hilary "chiclet teeth" Duff with her boy toy, Joel Madden. Awww, she's even got the dog dressed up for a day of shopping. How funny, I just dressed my chubby bulldog, Anna Wintour in a similar pink frock with excessive beading and hand crafted floral appliques. And the tiny kitten heel mules are difficult for her to walk in but thats okay because I mostly carry her in my crystal trimmed Kooba bag. It's heavy but somehow I manage. I just cant handle a leash, its so last season!

Duff is looking like the long lost Olsen sister, Ashley not Mary Kate. Speaking of the Olsen's, did you know that MK wants to be called Margaret? MK is sooooo like, teenagery. Like puh-leeze! She wants to be an adult. So call her Margaret. And called me Agatha because I want to be more mature. And call Hilary Duff, Pilary Fluff. And call Paris Hilton ho bag coke snorter. What?

Come see mah new place, y'all!

The New York Post reports that Britney Spears has paid $2.4 million dollars (she still has money? K. Fed hasn't bleed her dry yet? he is very thrifty wearing the same manpris day after day) for a bungalow where her Cletus-fetus was created. The unwashed sheets have gone up on Ebay. Just kidding. But you know they would sell. They should absolutely frame the sheets in one of those glass cases at the Hard Rock Café. Wouldn't you love to eat your Capt. Crunch coated chicken strips under Kevins semen soaked sheets? Yeah!

Britney will own a place at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino. This makes it very convenient for Kev to jet off to Las Vegas for the weekend each time he feels the need to see strippers and hire "escorts". Trust me, theres nothing like a lap dance to get away from a screaming infant. Some big boobies in your face, the non-lactating kind, will lift anyones spirits.

This works well because in the divorce settlement, Kev can ask for the pad in Vegas. He has been quite vocal in his desire to move there after he and Brit split up.

I see it clearly: NOW APPEARING AT GOLDEN NUGGET: KEVIN FEDERLINE AND THE LIVE! NUDE! FEDERETTES.

Puffy: the new sexual enhancer

According internet gossip, Puff Daddy is out to give women what they have been wanting. No, not more sleep or calorie free food. And not thinner thighs without exercise. Or a check to every female for one thousand dollars. No, not pimple and wrinkle free skin. Or bigger boobs. Not a firmer butt either. And no, not free diamonds. Or good gossip. Not naked photos of Brad Pitt. Or a new car with leather seats and satellite radio.

No, Puffy Daddy Diddy Combs is offering "fashion viagra". Mmmmm. Yeah baby. Doesn't it make you hot just reading the words? Nah, me either. But as if hawking his own personalized tire rims isn't enough (and we do love rims, right girls?) he is introducing a women's clothing line that will make women look like crack ho's and street walkers. Mama loves good hip hop clothes. It's gonna be crump!

So what does a Sean John woman want? Besides money and studded rims for her tires, she wants clothing that will "combine street and sophistication". A look into my crystal ball tells me that the clothes he designs for women will feature lots of bling, black fabric, silk, short skirts and tight shirts.

Further gazing into my magic ball informs me of a line of shoes- think Jimmy Choo meets Run DMC. I see jewelry. I see lingerie. I see leather seat covers? Yes. Car accessories too, like scented pine cones smelling like...Sean John aftershave. He is a friggin genius. Leave no stone unturned. Down the line we can expect Sean John children's clothing and Sean John bedding. A Sean John biography. Wedding dresses. Toilet paper. It just doesn't stop. The empire is endless.

Jen! Holy crap, I was just talking about you and like, there you are! I have the same outfit in different colors. Maybe we could, you know, dress like twins and meet for scones and coffee or something? Uh...is that Ben's old Hanes tee shirt? Are you carrying a towel? I usually carry a purse but if you want to do the twins thing, I could carry a hand towel too.

Did my invite get lost in the mail?

Ben Affleck, shown riding his crotch rocket. I love a man on a motorcycle wearing a purple shirt and brown boots! What a juxtapostion of rough and sexy, yet a fan of unicorns and girly colors.

He is so sweet, throwing a birthday bash for girlfriend, Jennifer Garner. However, I'm a bit miffed since I didn't get an invitation. Did he forget my address? Is Jennifer still mad I didn't show up for the "13 Going on 30" premiere? Geez, she really harbors a grudge. I bet it has something to do with the box office pooper of a movie, Elektra. I told her she should totally do it and she listened. But it's ridiculous to drag it out this long. I sure hope I'm invited to the wedding.

Paris, you forgot your skirt again, honey! Must have left the bottom part of this outfit in the bathroom while you were doing your blow! Oops! Are you wasted again?

Good thing Kimberly Stewart is there for you- to hold your hand and steer you towards the exit. I love mini-skirts and tank tops worn as dresses just as much as the next B-lister, but when the whole world gets a glimpse of your punani as you're bending over to do body shots off some guys belly button, well, you know. It could really be embarrassing!

I just learned that Kimberly Stewart will be replacing Nicole Richie on The Simple Life! Apparently, Nicole is now too pretty and getting too much attention to be friends with Paris. Paris nipped the friendship in the bud as soon as Nicole's photos started appearing in tabloids and magazines. Enter Kimberly. She is not very well known but as soon as she gets recognition, you can bet Paris will find another sidekick.

PS. Kimberly? Along with Paris's coochie, we also see your sternum. Might I suggest a shawl?

It is a really good idea to talk on your cell phone while holding your dog on your lap and driving your car! The California DMV urges drivers to steer with their knees and hold pets out the window. And take heavy medication before getting behind the wheel.

Let's hope Jessica is just sitting in her car, not actually trying to manuever along the 405.

Doesn't it appear as if she might be saying, "F*** Nick! I really wanted those $75,000 sheets! And no, I didnt sleep with Johnny Knoxville! My dad? What are you talking about, baby?"

Make up your own captions. It's a lot of fun.

Happy Hiltons

The Hilton family comes out to support Nicky and her CHICK line of crappy clothes! Awww how sweet. Her father didn't get the memo that the sweater tied over the shoulder is out of style, I guess rich people who spend their days on the golf course can dress like that and get away with it.

May I point out that he:
1.) spent a day in the sun (on the greens of course!)
2.) just downed a bottle of scotch, hence the gin blossoms and ruddy complexion. Imagine papa Hilton jumping off the picture, into a velvet tapestry conservatory with Colonel Mustard, grabbing a pipe and saying, "Hup hup, bring the car 'round, m' dear. Have Jeeves bring us over to Tavern on the Green for cocktails."
3.) looks like a guy in one of those boringBritish movies, playing a barrister with a wig, hence the faux accent in #2.

Mama Hilton is wondering, "Is my Creme de la mer working? Why am I in a mall? I have servants to shop for me! How very pedestrian. What's a Cinnabon? How soon until I get to the spa?"

And the brother, who reminds me of Ryan Philleepee, wants to get the hell out of there. He looks bored. Tired. Wants to get over to Abercrombie and buy some new jeans.

Did Nicky actually go to school for design? I refuse to believe her parents set her up with this gig! Those girls are like, so totally working hard! It's really really tough to like, be so rich!

If you have purchased a Chick product or know the Hiltons or party regularly and have run in on Paris doing coke on the counter under the automatic hand dryer in the bathroom, let me know: Email me here!

From the Lohan camp: a sister!

More Lindsay news. My sources tell me that her little sis Aliana is planning on joining Jamie Lynn Spears on the Nickelodeon show, Zoey 101! Because its impossible for the sister of a "star" to remain anonymous.

What could possibly be better than a single Spears, Lohan, Duff or Hilton? Why, two of them! Isn't there a sister lurking around that Nicole Richie can shepard out? I'm telling you right now, a sister is the must have accessory for the spring and summer. If you dont have one, you better find a stand in quickly and make sure one of you is blonde and the other brunette. Sisters work best when hair color doesn't match!

If the stars and the universe do not properly align and Aliana does not join Jamie, then well, Lindsay will see to it that her sis get her OWN show by giving free blow jobs to Viacom execs!

In searching for a photo of the junior Hohan, I came across her own website! A whole site dedicated to Lindsay's sister! Hey Linds, we don't really care a whole lot about your sister, we wanna know what went down between you and old man Willis!

Saturday, April 16

LL gives the stink eye

Lindsay gets high as a kite at an evening fuction- oops I mean to say: our favorite teenage vixen dyed her hair for an upcoming movie. Gone is that pretty red and now she sports goldish- brownish- reddish hair to match movie mom Meryl Streep.

I think the real reason behind the color change is that she's hiding out from Wilmer and Bruce. Sometimes, after an embarrassing hookup, one needs to change hair color, phone number and address and go incognito for a while. How about some oversized sunglasses and a big black coat?
Been there, done that sister. About about changing your name too? Flindsay Hohan sounds good, doesn't it?

According to People Magazine, the reports that Britney is having a girl are "unfounded". Therefore, it is safe to assume if she gives birth to a boy, she will trim his hair into a mullet upon leaving the hospital and will name him Plae Stashun. If its a girl the rumors are indicating her name will be Aurora or Aerole.

His/her room will be purple and feature wall murals of elves and fairies and lots of glitter and posters of unicorns. When asked about his wifes pregnancy, K. Fed belched, farted and blew smoke out of the side of his mouth. Hot!

Microdermabrasion?

Normally I think Gwen is hot. Her legs are amazing and her sense of style is unique. Plus her hubby is hot and that's what it's all about, you know?

I came across this photo and her skin looks like a map of the moon. Her chin is as lumpy and bumpy as a crater. It's as if the photographer had an axe to grind and decided to shoot her in bad lighting and then refuse to airbrush. We all know the power of airbrushing and photoshop can remove blemishes, scars, acne, cellulite, dark circles and yellow teeth. I insist all my photos are thoroughly airbrushed for my many flaws. It's in my contract!

Gwen probably views the picture, shrugs it off, and laughs. Then she calls Gavin to bring her another Harijuku girl on a platter and a Bloody Mary.

K Fed- the early years. He looks like something, I can't put my finger on it. What do you think?

Friday, April 15

Where does she keep her lipstick?

I know nothing about this woman named Sofia Hayat. Other than her ass is showing. This dress iswrong on so many levels. The bra-like top. The actual bra straps showing. Oh, and of course, the cut of the dress. Did I miss anything? Oh..yeah. Her rear end. She is so tempting someone to tickle her with a feather on the end of a fishing pole. Where's Ashton and his Punk'd crew? Surely we can do something with her exposed rectum. Colon chic is very hip in Hollywood.

Modesty is soooo over-rated. Forget cleavage, its all about the butt crack this season. Have you heard about anal bleaching? It's all the rage! Especially with the new low cut backless, bottomless dresses. Butt crackage is hot! Imagine a piece of toilet paper stuck in her butt- how embarrassing yet so entertaining. The ultimate accessory!

Do your boobs hang low, can you tie 'em in a knot can you tie 'em in a bow?

Has Meg Ryan been nursing Julia Robert's infant twins? Because those are breasts that have been suckled until they are empty water balloons and hang as low as a mother cows.

Meg takes a page from Tara's book (Live on the Red Carpet, Exposing My New Tits) and goes braless. Except Tara has breasts that don't hang beneath than her navel. Almost. But not quite.

Meg, what possessed you to don a white tee shirt and "forget" your bra? Those boobs are like low flying torpedos, like an odd appendage jutting from your stomach. Quit frankly I see more of you right now than I ever cared to. I'm actually quite amazed at the likeliness between your low hanging titties and Kirsten's. (scroll down for photo)

Two words: Victorias. Secret.

Gwynnie, you are so pretty and I love your clothes and your hair and Apple is adorable!
Are you still BFF with Madonna? Does Apple play with Lourdes (yes, we call her Lola)!

Although I hope it works out for you and Chris, deep down inside I'm rooting for you and Brad to get back together. I still think Apple Pitt sounds too cute. He wants kids and I know you want more children. Its perfect! Except for that one little thing- your husband.

I admire your sense of fashion, GP. Really. But what are you hiding up your pants legs? It appears as you don't have feet. With your bell-bottomy flares you can hide stuff. Are you shoplifting? Because with knee socks, you can pull up your pants leg and shove a few shirts and hair clips down the socks, pull the pants leg down and viola! Shhh. Please don't give Winona any ideas, keep this between us.

I can't believe it's not butter! The margarine spokesman stands next to a horse and take notice he ceased highlighting his flowing locks. Listen Fabio, we see the receding hairline. Long length does not make up for balding temples. Cut that off like a real man. The romance novel hair is reminiscent of a bad porn movie from the early 1980's and its not flattering.

I've never found Fabio attractive, I rather spend a day riding the horse rather than riding Fabio if you must know the truth. Is Fabio coming out of retirement to be on the Surreal Life? Oh my gosh-totally great idea: Britney and Fabio! Tara and Fabio! Fabio and Big Gay Al!

No Anna, it goes around Star's neck not her ankles!

It's okay Linds.You can change out of your Quick Lube mechanics uniform when you are done with the last oil change. Where's the name patch with "Lindsay" in red cursive? How did you get the oil stains off your butter soft hands?

I would be worried about getting my white scarf greasy but Linds isn't concerned with that. She learned to change tires and rotate things on the set of Herbie: Fully Loaded without stains or spills. Is there a wrench in your pocket or are you happy to see me?

Shar, Miss Jackson if you're nasty

I present to you...Shar Jackson, the mother of K. Fed's spawn. Did Kevin's putrid body odor make her sick? Did he wash his hair when they were together? Did Kevin really have dandruff? So many questions we will never have answered. Come on, Shar. Go to the tabloids and spill it, sister.

Shar is cute, no? Love the minky-chinchilla blended shrug. Must be from the J. Lo collection. Shar is happy because she knows how Kev feels about pregnant women. Instead of seeing their beauty, being swollen with child, he sees a fat pig with cow boobs who can't put out because of her placenta previa. Shars got something planned, I tell ya. If she is bitter about Kevin, now is the perfect time to get back at Britters. I hope not for Brit's sake.

Can I get through one day without reading or speaking of Britney or K. Fed? No.

Like HI!

"Oh my God! Like totally hi! I haven't seen you in sooooo long! What's new? Oh me? Okay, like I've been hanging out with Jesse Metcalfe, that guy from Desperate Housewives..let's see...I've been coming down off a high from like, last weekend...my boobs have healed great, thanks for asking! Yeah, I'm having a little trouble kicking the coke habit but it's under control.

Smoking? Yeah, dude like two packs a day, seriously! Lindsay? No, I haven't spoken to her, that bitch is screwing every guy in New York and I haven't seen her. I know, Bruce Willis? Even I won't sleep with a guy over fifty. Last time we were together? I was on the set of her movie in New Orleans, talk about crazy shit going on! Too bad I can't remember the half of it, like, Oh my God! Johnny Knoxville and all these guys...I just cannot remember a thing!

Duh! My bra? Is hanging off my shoulder? Ha ha ha! I didn't even notice! I'm kinda wasted right now. Great to see you too! I'm going to go pass out on the bathroom floor now. Tell Paris I said hi and let her know I'm not bitter about the phone thing!"

Thursday, April 14

Happy Ryan!

"Once Cowell stops wearing those extra small tee shirts that show off his man-boobs, I can totally announce my gayness and my crush on Anwar, have you seen the length of his fingers? hello! You know a straight man would never wear this shirt. I can't wait until I can announce, Seacrest OUT...of the closet."

I think Ryan is totally cute and I can see us at some point in the future meeting for drinks and laughing about Paula Abdul's mumbling and nonsensical exclamations. Then hand in hand we will journey to Fred Segal and spray each other with perfume and try on shoes. We will laugh and giggle at the cute boys and he will come over where I will make him quesadillas and we can sing karaoke and joke about Clay Aiken's big feet.

The incredible shrinking Richie

Where's Lionel?

Nicole Richie is obviously on the Starbucks/colon blow diet I mentioned the other day. I hope she isn't going to hold me responsible for her irregular heartbeat, tremors, brittle bones and peeling nails. I have only ever seen such a giant noggin at a puppet show. Is her body big enough to hold up her head? Is she going to topple forward because her head is too heavy? You can't really lose weight from your cranium.

Nicole, stop eating lint and licking ice cubes for nourishment. Even Renee Zellweger who is the crown princess of skinniness occasionally eats a burger. She throws it right up, but still. I want to dip you in a vat of Crisco and deep fry you! I'm worried. Is this the result of breaking up with Paris? I hear you two are on the outs. Don't worry, she'll come around.

Nicole, I'm sure you are reading this as you do every day with your dose of crystal meth and diet Red Bull but seriously, if you get too thin, you could go into cardiac arrest and there is nothing funny or pretty about being in the hospital. Go fill up at the all you can eat buffet at China Bistro. And then repeat.

This is so crazy. I knew I recognized that loud floral print. Jessica clearly had her dress sewn from the fabic used at the Boca Raton Senior Center in Florida! It's such an unattractive print but people who wear enormous plastic clip- on earrings and black socks with white sandals love it. To complete her outfit, I suggest a long string of beads and a feather clipped to her extensions.

Where did she get permission to take the material and create a dress? I hope she made some culottes and a matching bolero jacket. I say if you are going to pull your hair back from your face, at least highlight your roots. And for the love of Pete, please stop locking yourself in the tanning bed and slathering yourself with tubes of self tanner. Orange is not a color for skin, it's a color for fruit. I am suddenly craving beef jerky and a leather bag.

That sister with the long pointy chin is like Hilary Duff's security blankie. We never see Hils by herself anymore. All of the sudden Haylie Duff has attached herself to Hilary like a barnacle. Speaking of Hilary, did she just get a new set of veneers? Something looks different and she is way to young for botox injections or an eye lift.

Her roots match the color of her sisters hair. Nice coordinations girls. They are like the poor mans Olsen sisters minus the bohemian rags and nose candy. Or the Hilton sisters minus the chihuahuas and porn tapes. Or the Simpson sisters minus the freaky dad. Having sister with blonde hair is cool! A sister is the accessory du jour! Imagine if we could shrink people and stuff them into our Kooba bags like a toy poodle or something? Wouldn't that be cute? I would stick my sister in the back pocket of my Lucky jeans and take her out at parties. It's the hottest upcoming trend!

We's havin' a gurl!

Not a fetus, not yet an infant. Britney's spokewoman is telling people that Brit and Kev are expecting a girl! Nice way to let the cat out of bag, lady! That spokeswoman needs to be fired, ASAP. Is nothing sacred? Apparently not the gender of the Federline offspring. I think we ought to lay bets on how soon Brit is going to release an album inspired by her daughter. I see nursery rhymes and lullabies, available next year.

Britney is reportedly in her fourth month so shortly her tummy will catch up to her ginormous boobies and we will see a lot of Brit wearing voluminous muumuus. Just joking! We know she will wear skin tight pants and half shirts until her ninth month!

I'm having a lot of fun coming up with trashy stripper names for the baby. And I'm knitting her a sequined baby blanket and matching feather trimmed booties plus a teeny do rag just like her daddy's. Does Nike make puffy infant shoes? Are there baby bottles in the shape of Red Bull cans? Pacifiers shaped like Cheetos? Mobiles of Funyons?

Baby Lacey-Lynne Tiffani Spears Federline must have all the latest in infant accessories! I hear Kev is pro-breast feeding. Oh, and he wants Brit to breast feed the baby too!

New face of Versace

Donatella Versace has now crowned Demi Moore as the new face of Versace . Donatella kicked Madonna's yogafied butt to the curb yelling "Geeettttt Ooooouuuutttt!" and invited Demi to be the model du jour. Pretty good for a 42 year old mother of three who hasn't made a movie in two years. Does she get buckets of free clothes?

Obviously Donatella has a thing for Kabbalahists. I wear no red string around my wrist but I do wear a red G-string. Apparently that's not good enough. Donatella wanted a woman who exudes power and confidence, sophistication and ageless beauty. So not moi! I'm all about cheap thrills, high heels and trendy clothes. And colon cleansers. Plus I'm not in my forties yet and Donatella was searching for a mature woman.

She wooed Demi over dinner along with photographer Mario Testino. I'm really looking forward to seeing Demi in those print ads. Well, not really.

Books...

I am an avid reader. I love books and coffee along with my vodka tonics and early morning colonics. I probably average fifty novels a year and then of course, my flurry of tabloids and fashion mags. And my own novels which hopefully will make their debut during the next decade.
From time to time I'm going to be posting about books that have caught my attention and the first one is Rosemary Martin's novel, "It's A Mod Mod Mod Mod Murder". What could be better than polyester, murder, music and the 1960's? Well, drunken debauchery involving nudity of course! But the next best thing is a good book.

The New York Post (which Sarah Jessica Parker and I love to read!) has called it Required Reading. Cool, hip Prada wearing fashionistas have been praising this groovy book and I cannot wait to get my manicured hands on it. My sources actually spotted Nicole Richie with a copy in her hands waiting for her limo outside of the Ivy and Sandra Bullock has expressed interest in producing the film. The above photo is the author who would love for Brad Pitt to play a character in the movie or be her leading man in real life, whips and leather optional.

Rosemary also is open to a kinky threesome with Angelina should I be unavailable. But back to the book, check out her website here and enjoy it. Have suggestions for required reading? Email me!

Chris Klein, drunk driving in San Diego

Chris Klein got pulled over in his 2003 (what? he can't afford brand new?) BMW back in February yet its just making the news this week. Maybe he was drinking to cover up the pain he felt when he and Katie Holmes split up. Or the pain of not being in another American Pie movie. Maybe he's drinking because all the good roles in Hollywood are going to Ashton. Either way his hairline is receding, his tresses are wispy and we should point him in Burt Reynold's direction for some tufty, juicy hair plugs. Hey, it worked for Ben Affleck.

Where's his agent? Sign him up for Celebrity Rehab starring Whitney Houston and Pat O'Brien, cameo by Paula "Painkiller" Abdul and my hairlipped hottie, Joaquin Phoenix, with guest starring roles from Billy Joel and Lindsay Lohan's drunk father. The show is bound to be a huge hit and there is never a shortage of Hollywood hotties with addiction problems!

Wednesday, April 13

Now you too can dress your dog like that pocket sized trendsetter, Tinkerbell Hilton! Paris has designed - excuse me while I stop laughing- an exclusive line of jewelry for dogs much like what her own dog wears. Except of course, the stuff she puts out isn't high quality, its manufactured in a third world country. Her line includes rhinestone encrusted doggie collars and crystal embellished pet tags. My bulldog, Anna Wintour just loves to wear oversized Jackie O sunglasses and pearls like a proper lady. Who wants to pimp out their dog to be Tinkerbell wannabes? But if you do, by all means, deck out your pooch in Paris designed costume jewels.

On the flip-side Elizabeth Hurley is coming out with a line of swimwear. She says, "I love cute things to take on holiday!" Okay. Me too. I'm just dying to wear my new white Liz Hurley bikini when I jet off to Antigua to visit an ailing Whitney Houston. Thanks for bringing scanty swimsuits to the public, Liz. I'm sure you really design them yourself, toiling away with fabric samples and color charts. When is your book and album coming out?

Oh my goodness! For cryin' out loud. Is that the frontman for the boy band, Ninety Eight Degrees, Nick Lachey? And he is friggin carrying HIS OWN LAUNDRY basket? No. Say it isn't so. Why isn't his wife taking care of his needs? Oh yeah, because she is busy getting wild to Whitesnake.

Then why isn't his assistant doing those menial tasks? I mean, if Ashley Olsen can get someone to walk her dog, certainly Nick can pay someone to take his dry- clean- only clothing to the cleaners. Just don't forget to check Jessica's pockets. Oh. I'm sooo disillusioned at celebrity life these days. What is wrong with our society when a famous singer like Nick must do these things for himself? When I was a prominent D-lister, I scoured the streets for a decent helper to do all sorts of chores for me. A celeb should never be seen shlepping through the streets with an overflowing tub of soiled clothing!

I haven't seen Kevin Fed in a while, at least two whole days! Rumor has it that he is in Florida, kicking back and relaxing while Britney recovers from her placenta scare. I wish I had found a photo of him wearing the necessary Florida garb: black knee socks and white sandals, but this is what I dug up. Nice slightly hairy legs, oooh la la!

Looks like his hair has been released from its corn- row imprisonment and he dug out 1987's high top Nikes to wear with his manpris. I think Kev should get his hair cut very short over the ears and leave the back long and wavy. Chicks go wild for mullets. And he should totally keep smoking, that's hot! And I'm glad he didn't give in to the pressure and shave, he is stunning with a days worth of stubbly growth. Who is he on the phone with? My guess is Shar. He's asking if she is naked. And how she feels about retiring to a trailer park in Daytona beach.

Star Jones is looking rather slender these days! I do believe she is following the Hollywood diet. Do you know about it? Well, let me enlighten you, darlings. Mary Kate and Ashley were the first to jump on the bandwagon with Renee a close second. It involves multiple Starbucks beverages loaded with diarreha inducing caffeine and hot water. Next, take a supplement to keep your colon moving. I like a large dose of Colon Blow. I do not endorse the product but going on the website and viewing yards of impacted fecal matter will make your buttocks clench and have some kind of effect on you.

In Renee's case, running on the treadmill for three hours helps to tone but with Ms. Jones, shopping on Fifth Avenue without the aid of a limo waiting outside each store is essential. And speaking of Star, according to another gossip site, Gay Al enjoyed a Boys Night Out while Star stayed in and tried to see how much more severe she could pull her hair back into a sumo-wrestler style bun. Gal was seen dancing and frolicking with a passel of happy boys.

Oh yes, diet tips...colon blow. Lots of coffee. Very little solid foods. Liquid lunch aka a five martini meal. I don't think Star is into the blow but for the younger crowd, it's a must. Now please, I do not endorse drugs or starvation, I'm just saying there is a secret to why these people are so skinny. Although she is still refered to as Porky and Fudgie the Whale, Star is looking thinner each time I see her although I do sheild my eyes and try to avert my attention. She's losing weight. And it's not from a lack of meat kabobs served by her "husband". Atkins diet? Please.

I give it six mo' munts...

Golly, that is one fine lookin' man with those puffy, white, unlaced hightops and those dirty manpris. Oh and the headwrap! And the cigarette! Hotness. I can only imagine what a supportive husband he is! Yeah. I'm sure he gives Brit tons of alone time. He is super busy promoting his new clothing line and album and everything goes down in Vegas including the showgirls, har har. He spends lots of time away from her but he has good reason. I just don't know what it is.

So anyway, how long do you give the Federline-Spears union? And more importantly, WHO SHOULD BRITNEY hook up with after Cletus leaves her and I think we all expect he will. Probably when she is eight months pregnant. Let's run down a list of suitable men:

Nick Lachey? A reunion with Justin Timberlake after he dumps the armpit farting, belching talents of middle finger loving Cameron Diaz? George Clooney? Brad Pitt? Jeff Foxworthy- oh he's married. Fava Flav? Prince Harry? Who should be next to father a child with Britney? Kato Kaelin? What are your expert opinions? I want to hear what you think!

I'm here for you, Brad

Jennifer wants us to know that her marriage to the sexiest man in the world made her feel insecure. She notes, "Marriage brought up all the kinds of things I pushed to the back-burner - the fear, the mistrust, the doubts, and the insecurities. Brad is the kindest person I know and the sweetest goofball on the planet." So why didn't the marriage work? A source on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith stated every time Brad spoke of Angelina, he had nothing but high praise for the star. And what did he say about Jen? Not much, I gather. He spoke of Angelina as if she were a "goddess".

Jen was just made godmother to Courteney's baby Coco which means Jennifer is now obligated to teach Coco how the cut of Calvin Klein clothing is simple but Armani's lines are clean and you can never spend too much on a good pair of heels. It is also her duty to deprogram Coco of any zany ideas she might get from her father like wearing clown shoes or wanting a giant baseball mitt chair or shopping at Spencer's gifts.

It's just a shame that Jen and Brad were not able to make their marriage work. If he wants a place to rest his head and talk over his troubles, I'm available. And please, by all means, bring Angelina.

Heavy metal Jessica

"Daddy, it wasn't me! I didn't just give that guy my coke! And really, he does have his pants on, I swear! You just can't see them in this picture!" Yeah, okay Jessica! You are totally sitting on that guys lap and his pants are laying in a puddle on the floor and we know it.

Mrs. Lachey rocked to some heavy metal at the Roxy theater where she belted out some Whitesnake tunes and did a little head banging. Obviously she is trying to shake the Daisy Duke persona by showing off her darker, edgier, harder side. You know what would look really good? If she dyed her hair jet black and cut it into a permed mullet. Oh please, someone, tell her how great that would look!

Next we will see Jess frolicking on top of a Camaro in a bikini with smoke machines while Nick bleats out a remake of a 1980's hair band song. I hope he chooses Cherry Pie by Warrant. That tune rocked!

Get well, Joaq!

Joaquin Phoenix just issued a statement that he is seeking treatment for alcohol addiction. I hope he fixes what is broken and gets out of there soon. Joaquin might be known as being moody but he is also en fuego!

In related news, someone left a message on my answering machine that featured heavy breathing and barely audible dirty words so I must assume Pat O'Brien is still in rehab but has access to a telephone. I hear Billy Joel is on the loose in Long Island so please exercise caution while driving, east coast friends. And sources close to Whitney tell me that Whitney is far from the pretty diva of yesterday, "Her skin is a mess and her hair and teeth are falling out!" my pal informed me. A bald and toothless Whitney Houston? That's almost as bad as a pregnant and barefoot Britney! Oops!

And of course we continue our Paula Abdul watch, witnessing her crumbling descent into a quaalude taking, sparkly, high, sleepy, glitter-wearing incoherent drooling mess on American Idol. I expect word on her "exhuastion" soon.

Poor Jennifer Lopez Noa Judd almost Affleck- Anthony! She was driving her car in Los Angeles- what, no driver? No chauffer driven Bentley?- and of course the paparazzi was right on her ample tail trying to drive up in her grill for a picture. She got nervous, jittery and frightened, breaking down in deep sobs, using her fur coat as a snot rag, threatening to blur her mascara and ruin her makeup.

Honey, back when I was quasi-famous and a D list celeb at best, on the rare occasion the photogs were chasing me for a hot money shot, I did my best to offer a smile and a wave and a peek-a-boo at my thong . With your album in the crapper, I suggest you do the same. You know, the rumor is going around that you club baby seals for their skin in order to embellish Sweetface. It would behoove you to blow a kiss or something to the paparazzi and stay on their good side.

Anyhoo, J. Lo then whined (and I take the liberty of paraphrasing) "No one prepares you for this! You don't know how to act! I should write a book. Wait- that wouldn't bring in any money and if there's one thing Jennifer Lopez Anthony is all about it's money! Wait- I could wrap my book in fur and then sell it! Yes!! That's what I'll do. I'll spray it with Glow and sell it for $29.95."

"How to Deal With Being Famous" by Jennifer Lopez Anthony. Coming to a Barnes and Noble near you. Pre-order now and you will also receive a copy of the craptastic, Rebirth. Also referred to as Afterbirth.

Tuesday, April 12

I's prugnent!

After a health scare over the weekend, Britney is finally coming out about her condition even though we all knew those gigantic milk sprouting jugs were not from eating a little extra mayo with her fried Twinkies. Although I have not had a chance to peruse her newly revamped website since the weekend, it's been reported that Britney is finally announcing what we knew all along- she is expecting her first child with Cletus. Thank goodnes! I would have been really upset if I had to return those Wonder Bread baby tee shirts and the Red Bull inspired baby bottles (insert joke about breast feeding here _____).

"I'd like to thank mah fans for worrin' bout me. You don't gots to worry no more, ya hear? Y'all, I's just fine. Kev is here wif me and we's expectin a baby fo real! Mah boobs are real big now. Kev loves that y'all, but he says somethin bout fat chicks and mopeds- fun to sit on? fun to ride? embarassing to be seen on? I freeget. He is so funny, y'all. He is going to be such a great daddy to mah little Bubba. Y'all, we's thinking of Bubba Earl for a boy and Duchess Lynn for a girl. What do y'all think? I's got to go and rest mah feet now, my big toe is real swollen. I's really tired. Bah Bye!"

Once again, Jessica models her boot scootin cowboy footwear with jeans tucked in. Who told her to do that? I'm stongly opposed to blonde hair with black roots and jeans tucked into boots.

Her Wilma Flinstone necklace adds a whimsical vibe to her dalmatian print top and oversized sunglasses. I cannot tell if she has ceased her steady application of self tanning cream, she is looking rather peaked, but that could be from all nighters doing coke in the bathrooms of various clubs around town while Nick parties Kevin Federline-style, with strippers and hookers.

We really want to know if Jess has some blow hidden in the bowels of her bag? Did she cheat on Nick with Johnny Knoxville, who is also married? Are her and Nick going to have a baby in hopes to save their sinking ship of a marriage? And is there any hope that Ashlee will go back to being a blonde? Enquiring minds want to know!

Kirsten Dunst models a new Mary Kate bedding collection sheet with a hole cut in the top for her noggin. I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest she is not wearing a bra. Bras are good. Bras will keep your nipples tucked inside and out of view from the public. A bra will snuggle your bosoms and hide your pointy nips.

I hope this is a movie poster for one of those pyscho-crazy-killer on the- loose- films. I hate to think Kirsten would willingly pose in that. Let's just take a wild guess and say she is a bit chilly. Someone cover her up please.

Conversations with Nicole..

Nicole called me and cried, "DJ, I'm so upset. When will I have another great love? Tom was the great love of my life. We could watch Rock Hudson movies and sing Judy Garland tunes while wrapped up in matching ostrich feather trimmed pashmina blankets. He would watch HGTV with me and we used to give each other pedicures and facials. Sadly, Adam Duritz and Lenny Kravitz refused to partake in those enjoyable albeit feminine past-times."

"What about your latest fling, Steve Bing?"

She waved her reddish purple hand in my face, "Oh. I want to have children! Did you ever see his child with Elizabeth? ugh. No."

I tried to comprehend what she was telling me. "But Tom was your ideal man? Tom? Really?" I had a hard time with what she was implying. Did she want Tom back?

She shook her head slowly, sadly. "DJ, where else am I going to find a man who understands the way a woman thinks? Who realizes that you can wear winter white all year? Someone who knows that you can mix houndstooth and stripes? A man who understands MAC versus Benefit? A guy who takes longer in the bathroom that you do? A guy who subscribes to Lucky and lusts after Ty Pennington? Tell me, DJ, where can I find someone just like Tom?"

I told her I didn't know. Any thoughts?

Monday, April 11

Mariah Carey is looking stunning of course! This time her outfit is a orange-red parachute twisted and threaded through a gigantic curtain ring and tied at her sleeves. Mariah should get points for her creativity. I thought parachute was only for pants! But she takes it a step further and concocts dress that looks a lot like that orange handbag Britney Spears was carrying around last month. In fact, if you were a giant you could pick Mariah up by that ring and carry her around like a bag!

Left to my own devices, the best I could come up with was a mini-dress involving a floral pillowcase and a couple of clothespins with a scarf and an oversized bag. What's next Mariah? A clothing line incorporating pins, rings and pulleys? I'm so there!

Pock mark Mickey disses Paris

Mickey Rourke laughs about Paris Hilton's acting ability and comments on the use of the term "actress". "How can you call Cate Blanchett an actress and then use the word to desribe Paris Hilton?" he muses.

Obviously Mick hasn't viewed her video, I hear it's quite good and she is very convincing. Of course the view is obstructed by her long monkey toes but her vocals are excellent.

Mickey is most likely bitter he hasn't gotten into her panties, but I need to remind him that it's Lindsay that likes the older men and certainly she would be turned on by the pock-marks, acne scars, botox and double chin. Hard to believe but Mickey was somewhat attractive in a bad boy kind of way many years ago.

Although his body of work includes such fine films as the soft porn classic, "Nine and a Half Weeks" and...uh...hmmm...yeah. Well, obviously with such an incredible resume, he is completely justified in commenting on Paris and her talents. Just wait until Mickey sees that death scene where she is wearing red lingerie, Academy Award caliber stuff there.

Lindsay was hog-tied to an Olsen sister four poster, birch veneer bed post while Mary Kate dressed her in an oversized, blousy white shirt and cowboy boots with a large white leather bag. When released, Lindsay was ushered into the Fantasy Tanning bed where Paris Hilton insisted she stay in until she was the color of a ripe pumpkin. That explains the outfit and the skin color.

The smirk? She seems to be saying, "Yes I slept with both Bruce Willis and Christian Slater and I have my eye on Charlie Sheen. Older guys are hot! Especially ones with a prison record and a history of dating strippers!"

Sunday, April 10

A wig wearing brunette Paris Hilton masters the facial expression of being bored as a mysterious hand reaches out to tweak her nipples. Hey! Only J. Lo has an official nipple tweaker. Paris is just fine on her own, didn't you see her cell phone photos?

Deny deny

Brad is insisting he and Angelina are not an item. He vehemently denies there is anything going on between the two of them. In fact, he is angry the rumors are persisting. I hate to tell him but once Mr. & Mrs. Smith come out, the rumor mill will be churning in full force. All those appearences together? The press junkets and premieres? Please. One hotel room will be fine, no need to for two. Better yet, make it a suite

I believe he should issue a statement telling the truth. I took the libery of writing something out for him:

"Yes, Angelina and I are absolutely an item. We've been sleeping together since before Jen and I broke up. That marriage was dead last year and when I met Angelina, I couldn't control my manly desires. Not only is she hot and a tiger in bed, but she could care less about fame and fortune. So what if she makes me sleep on a bed of nails and likes to suck my blood? I had to lie to my fans because I didn't want to upset Jennifer or George Clooney or have David Arquette after my ass. But now the divorce papers are signed and I have a new pad in Malibu. Angelina will be spending a nights at my place and Maddox is calling me Uncle Brad. Life is better than it ever was."

Wood carvers

Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are adding a new career to their resume- furniture designers. Now you too can have Mary Kate and Ashley bedroom sets for around $700. There is City Style and Country Chic. Oversized sunglasses, scarves and dirty bedhead, optional. Think of what your friends will say when you announce your furniture was created by an Olsen twin. Sweet! You will be the envy of all your pals. What could be cooler than a veneer dresser hand carved by Mary Kate Olsen on a coke binge? I hope she signs each piece like the signature on a Cabbage Patch dolls butt.

When will these two quit trying to make money? Arent the polyester hoochie girl clothes and plastic dolls at Wal*Mart bringing in enough money to support the twins lavish lifestyle? Those little tycoons can retire any time now. We're waiting for the announcement.

Poor Mischa! I just heard a rumor that The O.C. is to be cancelled. Announcements on Monday. So Mischa, collect your last check and fly into the beefy arms of your coke addict boyfriend for comfort. Good thing he's richer than a Hilton sister, Mischa will never have to work again. She'll just have a lifttime of manboobs and sideburns coupled with drooling and fish lips.

There's nothing to ease the bitter sting of your show being given the axe like a few hundred dollars bills and fresh new pair of Keds.

Harry thinks of the wedding night...

"Holy shee-ite, Queen grandmum! I have a horrid new step-mummy. Ugh! I am so not calling her Mummy! Will she really be queen one day? I can barely stand the thought of her being my step-mum."

"Oh darling Harry. Don't worry. I am never dying! I've had Duracell batteries installed in my heart so it wont stop beating. That woman will never be queen!"

Make up your own captions...

Pucker up!

I am so glad Renee took my advice and colored her hair back to blonde. It's a tad golden and brassy but I'm sure it will tone down a bit after a few more washings with her white truffle-caviar shampoo. She looks lovely in her green dress and light makeup application.

Although she listened when I told her to get rid of that hideous Michael Jackson black hair, she refuses to stop making that sour-pucker- I just-swallowed something nasty-expression. And her cheek bones are quite pronounced. Is that from:

a.) plastic surgery, cheek implants
b.) weight loss, she runs miles and miles and only licks an ice cube for lunch
c.) effect of said sour pucker face?

Saturday, April 9

For $19.95 plus shipping you too can have a Britney Spears doll! She is shown in her "Baby One More Time" outfit, you know, before she got plastic surgery on her nose and hooked up with K. Fed and starting eating truckloads of Cheetos.

I went on Brit's new website and almost thought I was going to have my fortune told online...check it out if you must. Very interesting. Anyhoo, she offers an amazing online store that sells shirts and key chains and big Britney buttons so you can show Britney love on every one of your outfits! What caught my eye was the dolls. I love to play! And those dolls..so pretty. Almost as pretty as the ones WalMart sells of the Olsen twins.

Do the dolls come with inflatable boobies, removable bags of Funyons and zit cream? Is a scratch and sniff K. Fed doll on the horizen? Britney is a marketing GENIUS.

I totally think he married her for her outstanding ummm... personality. Yeah. And she is all natural, obviously. No implants for Ice-T's wife, no way.

At least he has a soft place to lay his head for a nap lest he get tired. She serves many purposes among them- floatations devices, pillows, cushions, bouys, squishy play toys, bags, a place to hide things. I love a woman who can multi-task with her boobies!

Chuck and Cam make it legal

Finally! After twenty years of secret encounters and whispers about how Charles wished he was Camilla's tampon- they're married.

I love the big feathered hair Camilla sports, bravo Camilla! Us Jersey girls LOVE big hair with lots and lots of hairspray. But I don't understand if a big gust of wind blew the back of her hair forward or if that is a sprig of wheat or a bird feather or a clip on hair extension from Sally Beauty Supply?

And I just want to remind her that Crest makes lovely whitestrips that will whiten those teeth in a jiffy. Congrats to the er..lovely couple.

Yes, I'm still quite bitter over Goldie Hawn not inviting me to Kate's baby shower. I don't think I'll ever get over it to be honest with you. What made her so mad at me? Was it because I suggested she cut her overgrown hair? Was it because I asked if Kurt was ever going to marry her? Maybe it's due to the fact I leaked her pot smoking habit to the tabloids? Because I told her she looked like shit without her makeup on? Perhaps it was when I said she looked like she was coming off a week long carb bender?

Whatever the reason I'm certainly holding a grudge. She wouldn't even let me stay in her Aspen chalet and ignored me at the Sundance film festival, pretending she didn't even know who I was! How do you ignore Distressed Jeans? You just don't.

Well, Goldie, guess what? Come over for a cup of cappucino made with my "special ingredient" and we can talk. Just be sure you are close to a bathroom when you go home.

Demi Moore?

Why does Demi look so harsh in this photo? Is it the morning sickness? Taking care of Ashton and his webbed toes? Is it the constant plastic surgery upkeep and running twelves miles a day? She appears almost manly..like a female Bruce Willis. What is with Demi and Madonna looking so haggard these days? Poor divas need rest and spa treatments, they need to be pampered and taken care of!

Both of them are busy mothers who cannot even schedule time for a simple injection of botox or a personal training session. Like Sean Penn says, it's all just so exhausting! Completely draining being a superstar! Do you know how fatigued one can get while counting the millions of dollars in the bank and supervising an entire staff to run your mansions in different parts of the country? Try doing it sometime. It is positively impossible not to get run down while doing so many things at once. Don't you just feel so very sorry for our celebrity friends?

Nicky tries to be sexy...

Another Nicky Hilton photo for you to enjoy and scrutinize. I've never seen her pose so much wearing so little, but when you are trying to push your clothing line, you gotta do what you gotta do. For the blog, I posed wearing nothing but Chanel No. 5 and a pair of flip flops.

The clothing line she produced is not on par with Juicy Couture or any other hot label, and it's not even designed by Nicky. What's next for the Hilton sisters? Club owning, clothes designing, Paris perfume, acting, modeling, porno videos, books...what can't they do?

While filming her new MTV show "Trippin" (does everyone have a reality show? Where do I sign up? ) Cameron "middle finger" Diaz face- planted while sandsurfing in Chile. Yes, she injured herself yet again. This girl cannot even walk down the stairs at the Beverly Center without losing her balance. Is she on drugs? Heroine? Crack? Is she drunk all the time or just high on Justin Timberlake love?

She has broken her nose four times, the last being from a surfing accident in Hawaii. Recently she was found laying in her closet unconscious after she tried to scale her dresser to put camping stuff away.

In January, Cam fell off a surfboard and injured her arm. Last summer she was spotted with plaster on her chin after yet another accident. No offense to Cam, who I know reads my blog every day, but girl, you really do need protective headgear and knee pads. What a klutz! How about a show called "In the ER with Cam"? What will happen if she breaks that middle finger that she loves using?

Friday, April 8

Ashton's little secret

I hate feet! Ashton Kutcher shows his webbed toes on TRL. Gross! His feet look kind of small for a guy don't they? At least they are clean. I hear Ashton loves pedicures. I wonder if he picked up Demi by saying, "You know what they say about guys with webbed feet don't you?"

Uh...what else is webbed, Ashton? No, don't tell me. I wonder if the baby will have Ashton's webbed toes?

I did not know Kelly Osbourne and Jessica Simpson were friends! Apparently they are because Kelly is wearing Jessica's hat and stretchy leggings.

Please tell me leggings aren't making a comeback? Are they in style and I am the last to know? I'm going to have to run out to Target this morning and buy some then. With leggings, a jog bra and a pair of suspenders, I'll be sure to make the best dressed list for 2005.

Christina is fading away

Christina Ricci is a fabulous actress and I think she is quite cute. However. She has lost too much weight and is in danger of being blown away by a stiff breeze. I can almost see her spine through her stomach and it's not pretty.

Please, Christina. Eat something. A walking skeleton is not attractive and I don't care how many Hollywood executives suggested you lose weight, I think you looked great with a few extra pounds on you. Be healthy and eat. Meet me at Urth Cafe and I will buy you a hamburger and hand feed it to you. (much like Elizabeth Taylor did to Michael Jackson except Liz used a dropper and tried to breast feed Michael) Please Christina, gain some weight!

Dog = Twin

To ease the separation of her twin moving out, Ashely comforts herself by purchasing a pit bull terrier mix. Mary Kate also thought a dog was a good replacement for a twin and bought a chocolate lab. So basically, if we break it down to a simple equation: Twins - 1 = dog.

In this photo, Ashley has someone else walking her dog for her. She can't be bothered and don't even think for a second she will pick up the dog poop. That's a chore for peons and fallen celebs! Ah, to be rich!

Back at her penthouse mansion, someone else prepares the dogs foie gras and Perrier while another assistant wipes Ashley's ass and brushes her teeth as her academic assistant writes her research papers. Later, Ashley will meet up with Mary Kate at Butter where they will snort coke, I mean, talk about how tough life is. Poor twins!

A writer went over to Guy Ritchie's house to drop off a script. He walked in and saw an old lady huddled in a chair and asked, "Can you get me a cup of tea?" Obviously the old woman was a maid, who else would she be?

She gave him a strange look and went back to reading. It was only then that he realized the hunched old hag was none other than Madge! Madonna, if you are reading this and I'm sure you are, please take care of yourself and stop dressing like a geriatric Olsen twin.

Hoping to sell more Chick clothes, Nicky Hilton decided to Paris-ize herself and undress for the cameras, baring her super skinny body, tugging playfully at her bikini bottoms. But where does she hide the coke? There must be an inner pocket somewhere for hundred dollar bills and other accessories.

Why do we want to see the Hilton sisters half naked? I've gotta be honest, I don't want to see any Hilton skin. I hope we dont hear that Nicky has "accidentally" lost a private home video or her cell phone was "hacked". When asked why her sister was posing in a bathing suit, Paris replied, "Because we're hot. And rich. And really hot." Rich? Yes! Hot- er, ugh...no.

*this may have been airbrushed but not photoshopped. Its from a collection of Nicky photos where she is scantily clad and tan.

You may recall Helena Bonham Carter from those Victorian era movies like Howard's End and uh...um...you know the one with the British girl and the barrister..yeah. Obviously she didn't get the memo about scrunchies. Or grandma's plaid flannel nightgown with a fitted blazer. Or slippers. Or unwashed hair. Don't tell me she is copying Mary Kates shabby- hippy- boho- sloppy style. No, Helena had this look first, beginning in the 1980's!

"Dude, I only used sunscreen ONE TIME while I was shooting Sahara!"

I'm glad he set the record straight because I thought Matthew had gotten two hundred sessions at the tanning salon or perhaps he had fallen asleep in the tanning bed and accidentally turned his skin the color of suede boots. Instead he looks like George Hamilton's long lost son. His skin has the hue of an overcooked bacon. I know, I just had some this morning.

Kev pines for Shar as Brit worries about a pregnant dog

Britneys grumpy! I would be too, sister. I heard the news- Shar still has feelings for K. Fed! He is even more desirable now that he has his own reality show and is soon to be a hip hop artist and a clothing designer. We can add trendsetter and heart-throb to his list of ever growing vocations. Shar feels Kev may still have feelings for her too. And that might well be, because according to my source Kevin finds pregnant women repugnant which may be why he bolted on Shar when she was pregnant with Kaleb.

And now? Kev and Brit are supposedly living apart now that she is with child! Adding insult to injury, Shar also noted that she would not trust Brit to take care of baby Kaleb. And to complicate matters even more, Brit had a terrible scare recently thinking her brother's dog, Porkchop impregnated BitBit. And that's like, incest, y'all!

Atonement by Anna Nicole Smith

Who knew? Anna Nicole is an Pulitzer prize winning writer! Well, close enough- she has her own column in the *new* National Enquirer. I have not gotten a peek at the improved tabloid, but I cannot wait to read what Anna has to say. Probably something along the lines of not mixing TrimSpa with vodka and prescription meds, and not marrying a ninety- nine year old billionaire unless you have an iron clad prenup.

Putting it into perspective, Anna has a paid gig as a writer and I'm still blogging?

Thursday, April 7

Is Pamela Anderson into the Kabbalah or did Ashton Kutcher just sent her a complimentary white suit? Hitch those pants up just a tad and we will witness full blown camel toe at its best. My eyes might still be recovering from the latest Star Jones photo but is that a SCRUNCHY around Pam's arm? Say it ain't so! Those hair accessories retired long ago with stirup pants and Ray Bans. Into the 1980's vault to be brought out at costume parties.

Pam looks good, natural. I applaud the fact that she is grocery shopping on her own like a regular person. Most celebs have a special shopper, called "an assistant" for all of their grocery related needs, but Pam fills the cart all by herself stocking up on Wet N' Wild cosmetics and Bud Light for Stephen Dorff.

I'm not wild about the all white ensemble but what really concerns me is the slippers. Did she forget to put shoes on her feet as she was going out the door?

"Please, no more photos of me! The camera captures my soul and a piece of me shrinks each time I see myself on the Internet! I just ate, really!"

Who loves Mary Kate's shleppy chic look? I do! A reason to wear my athletic tee shirts with grandma's floral skirt and my Mary Poppins bag! Please. I can fit a lamp and the complete works of Shakespeare, not to mention my dog and an espresso machine in that enormous ugly tapestry disaster called a purse.

My canasta playing bubbe wore slippers like that with knee high pantyhose, polyester coulottes and a mint green tunic at the seniors center in Boca. I think she had those same bracelets too.

Does it come in llama fur?

Yes! It's true. Fasten your seatbelts and clench your buttocks because you are not going to believe this. Star Jones, our favorite fur wearing beard, lost weight ...drumroll please....so she could have a baby. Yes. No. YES. Believe you me sister, I couldn't believe it.

So she lost a bunch of weight so that she could get pregnant- artificial insemination I believe- and then she decided she liked being thin and now isn't sure if she wants to gain the weight to have a baby. Yes. Really. It's true!

Can you imagine Starlet Junior? A little mink wearing bambina? I don't know if baby blankets come in fox fur...? And I'm not quite sure Playtex makes diamond trimmed baby bottles. What does Gay Al says about this? Probably something along the lines of "I can't wait until my two years are up. I am so tired of pretending to be straight. Gosh, I just want to put on my Liberace records and dance in my purple marabou trimmed slippers while watching Liza Minelli movies and thinking about Tom Cruise! How much time is left? Let me reread my pre-nup."

Elizabeth Hasselback just gave birth to a baby girl so of course Star needs to do something on a grander scale. Twins? Named Mink and Angora? Perhaps she can get a hospital to sponsor her gestation and have Pampers agree to give her a lifetime supply of diapers for free. And when Star and Al are done with the diapers, they can pass them on to Barbara Walters!

Nick Cage and his child bride take a walk and shop in West Hollywood. I love his pleather pants. The only problem is that pleather gets really hot in the sun and chafing may occur. Red, oozing, itchy pustules may break out on his legs.

I hope his daughter-I mean his wife- reminded him to put baby powder down his pants before he got dressed. Although the white fedora may offset the heat so he could be okay. Just in case, he should pick up a tube of anti-itch cream on the way home. A little old fashioned remedy is a baking soda bath to soothe the redness. Remember what happened last time you wore the red leather pantsuit to a garden party in August? Exactly. Don't forget the powder. You're welcome, Nick. I'm glad I could help.

Lisa Marie Presley is hawking her new album. And why should she get dressed up when a one piece jumpsuit from the Dickies factory outlet will do just fine? And if she needs to, she can always step outside and change a couple of tires for extra money or get a part time job at Midas. I think a mullet would really complete the whole look. She needs to ask Ashlee Simpson where she gets her hair done.

Julia Roberts is so cutting edge! Just as we announce that hippy chic is the new trend, she shows up sans Finn and Hazel, wearing homeless couture a la Mary Kate and Ashley! You can do it too and you don't need Prada or Hermes. Fashionistas, kick off those Jimmy Choos and forgo the pedicures!

All you need is an oversized coat, a fedora or beret, newsboy caps are okay too, some baggy pants and unwashed hair. Add a pair of oversized glasses and scuffed shoes/boots/sneakers and a huge leather (or pleather if you can't afford leather) bag, add a couple scarves and beads and a cup of coffee. That's where Julia went wrong. Everything is cool except she forgot her Starbucks. I'm going to have to drop her an email immediately and ask that she remember the golden rule of fashion: thou shalt carry a venti Starbucks cup if you are going to be seen shopping!

Oh, and no makeup. Put your Smashbox away or give it to your gay male actor friend. It's hip to be pale!

Jen's shack

Jennifer Aniston is going to be okay. She may have to slum it for a while in this 3800 square foot multi-million dollar home but everything will work out. She will live down the street from Courteney Cox so she can run over in her bunny slippers and share a late night bottle of Chardonnay with Courteney and play with fake vomit with David Arquette. The house also fronts the beach so she can relax in the sand and sunbathe nude. Sounds like Jennifer is going to be okay.

I was like, totally worried about her. But I hear she is happy to be single and is having a blast with Paris and Tara, making the rounds of the "in" clubs in LA. Who wants to be home and pregnant when the option is available to be a hardcore party girl? I hear she wants to be known as the P. Diddy of the west coast. Parties so grand the caviar is air lifted from the arctic circle and the flowers are flown in from Amsterdam. Everything is gilded and crystal studded and even the cocaine is cut with diamond dust. I can't wait to get my engraved invite!

Ummm, yeah. He can try to pose all "sexy" and Matrix-like but I still think Tom Cruise is a member of the all boys team.

He is oozing gayness and my gaydar is going off like a car alarm in Compton. He looks like a page out of International Male. Love ya Tom. Or at least I did in Top Gun. But I'm not attracted to you.

K. Fed- the dreamer

He may be an aspiring actor, singer, dancer, designer, pothead and husband of Britney but Kevin Federline wants more. He recently proclaimed that he IS in fact, the next Eminem! A foul mouthed rapper, that's Kev's dream! High on his list of priorities, after impregnating Britney (check!) is becoming a white Tupac. Without the tragic ending of course.

K. Fed met with executives at the E! channel to discuss a possible reality show- which is in addition to the upcoming program he has with Britney on the UPN. He wants more time in front of the camera. He wants to give us a slice of Cletus pie. The world wants to see him and we need a visual documentation of his growing "career". With Brit giving him the street cred, there is no mountain too high for the Kevster.

I'm thrilled about this actually. We will be able to see him wrap a wife beater around his head -and learn how you can do it- and get to the bottom of why his puffy white sneakers are never tied. Maybe we can glean some information like: does he shower? Is the patchy beard an attempt to grow something more or does he trim it to look like dead grass? Do his eyes open all the way? Does he have an aversion to hygiene? Is that one pair of manpris or just several identical pairs that he rotates?

These shows may suck the joy out of speculating about Brit n' Kev but at least all our most pressing questions will be answered. If you could ask Kevin one question what would it be? I want to know if he really smells like feet and cigarettes mixed with dirty sheets and onions .

Wednesday, April 6

Because she needs more money, Ashley Olsen is planning on opening a club in the meat-packing district of Manhattan. She will team up with her boyfriend, Scott Sartiano who is the co-owner of Butter, the place the twins hang out with Lindsay Lohan and drink vodkatini's and barf up beer nuts. Sweet deal!

I think the dress code will be shabby chic, hobo chic and vagabond couture. The menu will offer coffee beverages in the following sizes: large, extra large, muy grande and ginormous. Ever the marketing genius, Ashley will also sell straight to video Olsen twin movies and copies of Full House reruns. It is going to be quit the hot spot!

Teri Hatcher tells Star magazine she never exercises. Yeah, she is one of "those" celebrities that stay super skinny by eating two Big Macs and a tub of fries everyday followed by a bucket of extra crispy chicken from KFC and a container of whipping cream with a side of Wesson oil.

Stars prefer to say they are "genetically blessed" and yes, Lara Flynn Boyle I'm talking to you. An extra large cup of coffee with extra caffeine and a serving colon blow coupled with a high colonic is how I stay thin. But Teri has the right idea, work it sister!

Drew's new movie? Fever Pick

Celebs are just like us! Drew Barrymore gets caught by a photographer while picking her wedge. See, that's why I prefer thongs. That way it's just a constant piece of material up your butt all the time, taking the hassle away from having to dig your underpants out. And in public.

I'm going to ask that we chip in to buy Drew some Cosbella thong underwear so she doesn't get caught red handed next time mid-pick. I'll send it along with a copy of this picture so she understands the importance of not digging in the parking lot with paparazzi around.

PS. Don't you love the Urban Outfitters skirt she is wearing? Cute!

This guy is running for mayor of Cincinnati. You may not know who he is so I'll tell you- Justin Jeffre from the boy band, 98* or if you prefer me to spell it out, Ninety Eight Degrees. I guess he got the notion the city needed some work and he was the one to do it.

He is asking VH1 to document the election with a reality show. Hey- I've been trying to get my own reality show for years now. I suppose I'm going to have to go a little grander than writing this blog if I want that to happen. Like, I'm totally going to have to run for uh, um.. mayor of Beverly Hills and my platform will be taking away the right to wear Uggs with skirts. I'll be just like Reese Witherspoon from Legally Blonde except I know nothing about law. Sort of like this Justin guy perhaps knows nothing of being a political figure. Maybe he does. Maybe in his spare time on the tour bus he was studying up on poly sci and government.

But seriously, if elected he will distribute 98 Degrees cds and concert posters to all the residents of Cincinnati. Super cool, dude.

Tuesday, April 5

When Nicole first arrived on the Hollywood scene, she was lovely. Freshly scrubbed face and gorgeous red hair, clear blue eyes and a girl next door appeal. And then she was Tom Cruise's beard for ten years- I mean, she was married to Tom Cruise- and what happened? Did he steer her into his Scientology bus and give her a nip and tuck? Did he say, "Nicole, you will be a star but first we need to lipo the fat from your jawline and fix your chin. We need to do electrolysis on your hairline. A nose job. Let's see...yes, dye your hair blonde because redheads dont find work in Hollywood. Lose weight. Eye lift of course. Cheek implants, probably. We have a lot of work to do..."

I can't put my finger on it exactly. Like Cindy Crawford, there has been an obvious use of botox, but what else? Something looks harsh and almost Mommy Dearest-like. I'm afraid she is going to go psycho and start peeling off layers of her face, then we find Nicole is really a completely different person.

Maybe she needs a vacation from Los Angeles and should go back to Australia and live in the bush for a while without her injections, peels and dermabrasions and plastic surgeon on speed dial. Just remember your sunscreen Nicole.

All Britney, all the time. Yes! I am so excited. I just learned that the UPN channel will be broadcasting a new reality show with Britney and Kevin! Us the viewers, the public, the fans, will get to see Brit and Cletus eating their Cheetos and fighting in raw footage! Yessss!! We will get a real look at what goes on in the Federline home and I cannot wait. I've already pre-ordered the season DVD. I hope it comes with a poster of the happy couple.

We will see them kicking and biting each other, eating, playing playstation, ordering the servants around and spending money! Because we want to know what goes on behind closed doors, Brit is opening up her Malibu mansion and allowing us this exclusive glimpse at her life so she can set the record straight on her intimate life with K Fed. I hope we get to the bottom of why he wears the same pants over and over again! And does she style his do rag or does he do it on his own? Can he tie his shoes or does he just prefer to leave them unlaced? And if Britney is pregnant, will she give birth on live television or pay per view. So many unanswered questions!

For those of you who don't know her, I'd like to present the patron saint of cosmetic surgery, Saint Jocelyn Wildenstein. She matches Joan Rivers face lift to face lift. She has been lifted and tucked, sculpted, sanded, pulled, pinched, injected, waxed, has had her ears taken off and sewn on, her jaw has been chiseled, her chin implanted and her nose thinned plus her eyes have been lifted and tilted up, all of this several times over. Did I mention gortex cheek implants and a forehead implant? How about the lips created from bovine epidermis?

Note the dyed arched eyebrows. I doubt there is a natural piece of skin on her face. And that is a wig she is wearing, a light ash blonde from the Linda Evans wig collection. A strong odor of plastic and formaldehyde cloud around her body, very noticeable when you are standing next to her at a party where she can't quite open her mouth for a roasted pepper puff. Jocelyn emits a glow at night and must be placed in a special oxygen chamber to contain the nuclear rays from the botox and various injections.

According to Star Magazine, Lindsay had to film a scene in the rain and she whined about getting sick. As the raindrops fell she screamed, "Great! Now I'm gonna get the f****** flu!"

Don't worry, there is a craftmatic adjustable bed at the hospital reserved just for you, girlfriend. Complaints have been noted about how our fiery redhead bosses the crew around and is late, constantly smoking and messing up her lines, not to mention the bitching she does about the wardrobe.

Lindsay needs some downtime. All the partying and nightly bootie calls is catching up with her. A girl cannot even go out and drink all night when the call sheet dictates an early morning shooting schedule, like, duh! Don't they know her needs should be met first?

But if Lindsay should continue to be a diva, Jamie Lynn is waiting in the wings for the green light to replace her.

Succombing to the pressures of Hollywood to look beautiful and show
one tiny wrinkle or flaw, Cindy Crawford gives in and gets a couple doses of botox and an eye lift with cheek implants and a mini face lift. Her face looks as smooth as a glass decanter full of couvosier.

Please tell me why her son's hair is longer than mine? Boys do not look good with long hair, really. Trust me on this one. I've gone out of my way to tell moms their little girls are cute when the child is a boy with long hair. Note to Cindy: Supercuts will give Presley a balloon and a lollipop.

Jamie Lynn Spears: Britney part 2

Just give Jamie Lynn Spears a couple of years and a few pop albums and her hair will be long, dry and blonde. Her breasts will be enormous, her skin will be pimply and her stomach will protrude and she will smoke cigarettes and drink Red Bull.

Was it at all possible for Lynn Spears (the names are so original, Mom is Lynne, Dad is Jamie, then Bryan and Britney, I sense a pattern!) to bring up her second daughter and not groom her to be in the public eye? I'm a little tired of the whole famous siblings shtick. Hilary and Haylie. Paris and Nicky. Ashley and MK. Aaron and Nick. Jessica and Ashlee. All the Baldwin brothers.

I hear Jamie's show Zoe 101 is good so maybe, and we can only be hopeful, that Jamie-Lynn will actually grow up to be a refined and elegant young lady. "Y'all pass dem Cheetos now, ya hear?"

Dazed, confused, braless, upset...wearing lingerie. Angry at Nick. Upset with her dad. Mad that Ashlee broke up with broom head, Ryan Cabrerra. Her cowboy boots are pinching her feet and her black tights give her a camel toe. What do you think is happening in this photo?

Nanny wanted-

Looking for a job? If you would like to apply for a position as a nanny for the children of Victoria "Posh Spice", I hear there might be a vacancy. The word on the street is that Victoria had a complete hissy fit when she found out her nanny was talking to someone not included in the inner circle of the Beckham family. The nanny was consulting with a female who reportedly accused David of having an affair with her.

Needless to say, Victoria went crazy and demanded to know why the nanny was actually speaking to the filthy pig who supposedly slept with her husband. The nanny promptly quit and I can only imagine she couldn't handle being told who she could and could not speak to. I would ask for a list upfront of those I would be allowed to converse with. Elton John, yes. Elizabeth Hurley, yes. Anyone who has slept with David, no. Madonna, no. Britney Spears, no. Prince Charles, yes. Camilla, no.

If you are interested in the nanny job you must be willing to change diapers and schedule nail appointments. Hours are round the clock plus you must carry a pager and a blackberry, a cell phone and a backup cell. Overweight, old and ugly a plus. Access to prescription drugs highly desirable.

Mary Kate and her sister are selling their $7.3 million apartment. It's such a shame I'm not better off financially or else I would offer them $5 million and ask for a remodel to be included. How did they come up with all that cash to begin with? The residuals from Full House really add up. Although I do not spend my time trying to dress like a homeless vagabond, I appreciate the way Mary Kate totally presents herself like a common college student and not a multi-billionaire tycoon who has dolls modeled after herself and a clothing line at WalMart.

I worry about where MK might live now, please tell me she is moving into a dorm at NYU just like Felicity and documenting it via a reality show. Like Survivor but with millionaires and crappy clothes. Look carefully at the photo. See something missing? She has subsituted her chocolate lab for her trademark non fat, Venti soy latte with a hit of colon blow and a sprinkle of cinnamon. But it's cold in New York. Why isn't that dog wearing a crystal trimmed sweater, a pashmina hat and mini Uggs? I sure hope she feeds him canine caviar and Evian water. She better not be treating that dog the way she dresses.

Monday, April 4

I was shopping over the weekend and ran into Tori Spelling. What happened was I was strutting down the street with my gal pal and I saw a horde of paparazzi with their cameras plastered to the window of Kitson. I ran across the street and screamed, "WHO is it? Is Britney shopping? Is it Paris? Who? Who, tell me!" and the photographer said, "Oh yeah. I forget her name. Blonde...uh..Tori Spelling." And it turned out to be none other than Donna Martin.

The paparazzi informed me that Tori was a good celeb because she treats the paparazzi okay, Charlize Theron is also nice, as is Paris. But Cameron Diaz - rude. Tori was with her husband. They practically closed the store down for her. Only two people were allowed in at one time as shoppers were exiting the security guard wouldnt even let moi in the store until it was my "turn". I had to wait like a common person, oh the horrors!

Tori is teeny tiny in person and prettier than you would think. Very nice too. She was wearing a bright green dress with a huge gold bag and sequined ballet flats. Went to lunch and saw Turk (Donald Faison) from Scrubs. He looks exactly as he does on television. Sometimes celebs look quite different than they do on tv or in the movies. The waitress told me that Natalie Portman and Woody Harrelson are among the nicest celebs that come in but Mena Suvari is quite rude- maybe she should hang with Cameron and they can be nasty together.

The guy sitting next to us started talking and we ended up chatting about how great Paris Hilton is. Fun to hang out with and sweet although Nicky is even sweeter. We agreed Britney would be a blast to hang with, kick back and munch on junk food and look through gossip mags and paint our nails and such. I just need to find a way to get in touch with Brit. We have so many things to discuss!

Ben Affleck looks like shit! No offense. But seriously he reminds me of that old fisherman with the hook hand from "I Know What You Did Last Summer".

Did I miss the announcement where Ben was taking off for the coast of Alaska where he would spend a couple months fishing for salmon? Please! He looks like he's about to cast a net over Jennifer Garner and turn her ears into shrimp scampi. Haggard old man Affleck with the pipe and the rubber boots, lurking around the fishing docks, scaring all the teenagers ...that would make a great movie, wouldn't it?

I told Mariah, "If you want to protect yourself from malaria and dengue fever, you need to wrap yourself in mosquito netting!" and she totally misunderstood me and thought I said, "You should wrap your boobs in netting but only your boobs not the whole dress!" I mean, Im glad she decided to cover her most importants assets but the dress kind of looks like a netted hammock on top and a wedding dress on the bottom. *sigh* I tried to get her to listen but Mimi only hears what she wants to.

Star Jones recently announced she would stop wearing fur. Thank goodness because do you know how many little critters have to lay down their lives so her fleshy body could be warm? Instead of wearing animal furs, she is going to skin Matthew McConaughey and create a lovely spring coat from his leathery face. She may even have a purse made in a suede finish. After his face is cleansed and waxed of course.

Note to Matthew- sunscreen SPF 50. We know you spent several months weathering your face with sun and wind in the Sahara but you didn't need to tan yourself to the point of looking like distressed leather. Now Star is demanding a complete leather luggage set and thinks you would look mighty fine as a pair of tasseled loafers for Al. I can't wait for HETPLS to totally come after her ass. You know HETPLS? Humans for Ethical Treatment of People with Leathery Skin.

Is BRITNEY PREGNANT? How long is she going to tease us with her daily expanding breasts and marshmallow tummy which is in perfect condition to grow a white trash fetus? It's as if she's been watered and fertilized with a special dirt and her reproductive system just blossomed overnight like a wildflower! Is this a result of too many funyons dipped in Cheez Wiz or is baby Cletus clomping through her womb, already sprouting a goatee and dirty feet?

Im beginning to like Kev's wife-beaters and dirty, unlaced sneakers with his manpris falling down exposing his white underpants. I wasn't on the Cletus love wagon until he cheated on Brit with a stripper, and then something clicked and I thought to myself, this guy clearly has IT. The trucker caps and do rags? Brilliant and sexy. He is dripping with super coolness and I hope its ingrained in his DNA and passed to his future bambino. Kev is going to come out with a rap album which I'm sure will sound just like Vanilla Ice but even better. His clothing line will sky rocket to the top of Wal Marts sale rack and topple Kathie Lee's line. A singer, a designer and a dancer? Hey, I want to have his baby!

Is Britney going to have a press conference and make an official announcement? Or will she tape it all for an MTV reality show? Perfect timing as Nick and Jessica live happily ever after without cameras or Joe Simpson! I want- no I demand- a television show documenting the Cletus fetus growing and gorging on mayo and velveeta sandwiches, that would be sooool cool! Britney weighing in over two hundred pounds wearing a maternity muumuu while Kevin lays on the couch, picks his feet and smokes would be Emmy-worthy! Isn't HBO looking for new hit show?

Y'all why look, its Miz Hilary wearing her best wild west blouse with the puffy sleeves and her choker necklace from Grandmama. Now, why aint she wearin her long hoop skirt with the bustle and her good Sunday bonnet? How dare she go all prairie bordello on the top and tight black pants on the bottom? It's a clash of styles. It's like pairing cowboy boots and leggings and calling it an outfit!

Hilary needs to curl her hair, tuck it into a bonnet and unwrap her horse from the hitching post outside. She should go find her black lace up boots and her white gloves and then go drink some sasparilla juice. If you're going for a certain look, it's best to do the little Duff on the prairie circa 1890 thing in completion.

Hilary, I hear Paula Abdul was your stylist for this look. I urge you to cut her loose and hire a someone new. I know a lovely crossdresser who has a bouffant, wears Saddle shoes, red lipstick and is looking for work. Call him. He might change your style for the better.

Sunday, April 3

Who needs pants?

Jessica wears her leotard leggings with those cowboy boots again! She isnt one of those celebs who wears an item of clothing once and then hands it off to her assistant. Jessica likes to get her moneys worth from her $19.99 leggings and Frye boots.

It's super convenient to wear your Danskin tights when you are going out to eat because then you can just run right off to your step class with a tiny pit stop in the locker room to change your shoes! Jessica knows how to multi task through her clothing choices. She is so bold! I just don't feel all that comfortable in my tights and a tunic. I insist on wearing a skirt. But if Jessica can just go out with her pantyhose sans skirt or pants, all the more power to her.

I'm so glad she didnt go with the reinforced crotch because then it just would have been sooo tacky! She should perhaps wear a simple jogging bra and leg warmers next time with a headband. Let's bring back the John Travolta power aerobics look of the 1985 hit movie, Perfect. Nothing beats legging and a leotard with cowboy boots. Its a look thats bound to be a hit for spring 2005.

Saturday, April 2

Britney's letter of truth

Hey y'all. I's seen all the tabloids on the news stands this week, you know, sayin' I'm like pregnant. Well, y'all. Sometimes a girl just wants to eat pork rinds and funyons with a side of mayonaisse and that don't mean Im having Kev's baby.

Kev don't want a baby since he got two that he knows of. He tells me he might have more kids up in Fresno! I telled him I ain't payin' no more child support! He tole me we gotta wait to have some babies. I'm not gonna announce if I'm pregnant or not till later. That's for me to know and y'all to find out. I can tell you that I've stopped smokin' y'all. And Cletus only smokes filtered cigarettes around me, just in case, you know. And if I am pregnant with lil Cletus, I ain't tellin' the magazines. 'cept People cause they did that cover story on me and Kev when we got married.

And pay no mind to those rumors about Kev in Las Vegas. As long as hes not havin sex with other girls, he can touch their boobies and dance with them, he says all guys do that. He would never cheat on me, y'all! I totally trust him cause he says I give him everything he ever needs, 'cept then he asked for a hundred bucks. He's like, so sweet! He don't even smoke pot around me no more. I hope I'm pregnant, I want a baby so bad. I's buyin baby clothes already, lil overalls and half shirts with trucker caps and do rags. Im wearin' maternity clothes and shit just in case. Maybe Ill let y'all know later this week if me and Kev's gonna have a baby. I hope its a boy and it looks jus like his daddy. Can a baby grow a patchy beard? Cause that would be so cute. Bye!

Friday, April 1

Drew, how many times have I told you, when you wear a turban, make sure its faux mink! A furry turban and a marabou trimmed robe is what fashionista's wear on film sets. Also helps if you have a cigarette holder (the longer the better) and some high heeled mules. Fredericks of Hollywood sells darling ones with rhinestones and feathers. And I like glossy red lips to complete the ensemble and a fake beauty mark above my lip. I also wear black cats eye sunglasses and long shoulder dusting diamond earrings.

A turban with street clothes is so ordinary. You'd never catch Catherine Zeta Jones dressing like that!

I'm so glad Pam took my advice and combed her hair, smoothing it down with Frizz Ease. It looks great, doesn't it? And she also decided to go with a more demure, preppy look which includes a tight see -through sweater over a very open white buttoned down blouse. We can't changes overnight, people. She paid darn good money for those implants and has to flaunt them.

It appears she has undergone one or all of these treatments a.) a botox injection, b.) face lift c.) eye and brow lift. Either one of the above or all of them. And even though she clearly lined her eyes with a thick tip Sharpie, I think this is an improvement over her usually full face hooker makeup. Nicely done, Pammy!

An eagle eyed reader sent this to me. I heart Justin Timberlake! He's hot even when he pumps gas and it looks like the hose is really a very long schlong.

"Before you make a joke about how disastrous it is when celebrities try to accomplish everyday tasks without the assistance of the help, please realize that Justin Timberlake knew exactly what he was doing, soaking his genitals in gasoline so that he could later burn them off in a fiery demonstration of his commitment to Cameron Diaz. Hey, it worked for Tom Cruise and L.Ron Hubbard!" from-Defamer

Ben- small penis?

"Bad news, girls: Ben Affleck's not that impressive when he gets his clothes off - at least that's what his Armageddon co-star Michael Clarke Duncan says. The Green Mile actor says Affleck might have been named People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive a few years ago, but the judges obviously didn't know what he looked like naked. "Don't get me wrong, ladies, Ben is cool, but I've seen the guy naked in Armageddon and c'mon, man! I was not impressed at all, man," laughs Michael. "I was like, 'This is it, huh? This is it right here?' And he's on the cover [of People] and he's looking all... sexy and it says, 'America's Sexiest Human Being!' I'm like, 'So all over the world, in every country, you are the sexiest man? C'mon man!'"

Hmmm. But how is he in bed? Ben himself noted his sex life with Jennifer Lopez was boring. Was he to blame or her? Who cares! I just want in on the Brad and Angelina action!

I hear Whitney is not in rehab after all. She was just arrested. But she should be in some sort of facility for her drug abuse. She and Paula Abdul could be room-mates and discuss their addictions and love of music! Maybe they could sing a duet together and revive their careers.

I still think group therapy with Billy Joel and Pat O' Bien would be helpful, provided Pat doesn't try to hump her leg, sometimes he thinks he's a dog. Poor Whit looks a little rough around the edges in this photo, must be coming off a heroin binge. She is wearing her mink stole from the Star Jones Fur collection and some bling from Bobby Brown.

Duff's stuff

From Hilary Duff's journal which is almost exciting as Britney's moment of truth:

"Hey Guys! I'm here at home (in L.A) I have to start class in another 30 minutes. Today me and Haylie have to watch a lecture and take notes for our test next week. This week has been pretty busy. I had a few photo shoots and interviews. But, I am sooo excited! I have a performance in Caracas, Venezuela in 2 weeks. I'm excited because I have never been there and I know it will be so much fun. I can't wait! Well, we have to get our books together and I need to get ready for this lecture, so I'll talk with ya later. Luv yall Hil xoxo.""

I can't wait to see her diary entry from her time in Venezuela. It might contain the words "rum" and "naked limbo" and "party" and most likely will say something about being "toasted and unable to walk!" and maybe even "topless dancing!"

She is soooo excited because she can party like Lindsay Lohan and show off her boobs and grind up against other girls and get wasted! I hear South America is a great place to party although its been several years since I've been there. I see from this picture that Hil has no problemos letting loose. Or busting out of her shirt. Or engaging girl on girl dirty dancing without a bra! Her time in South America will be fun! And naughty! I want pictures!

Thanks to Mari for sending me the photo. I love mail, keep sending it!

Yes! Yes!

Things between Angelina and Brad are heating up! According this article, Brad and Angie registered at a Palm Springs hotel under the very creative names Bryce and Jasmine, aka Mr. and Mrs. Pilaf. Like rice much?

I can only imagine them laying by the pool sipping drinks out of coconuts while Angie wears a tiny leather g-string bikini and Brad dons a leopard print Speedo and sunglasses. Then they rub each other in with Hawaiian Tropic oil and chat about making babies and traveling the world together!

They arrived at the hotel for a photo shoot for their new movie but they ended up staying after the shoot was over seen laughing and hanging out. Insisting they are just good friends, they deny rumors of romance. But as soon as the ink is dry on Brad's divorce papers, I expect to see those two together with Angelina's cute Mohawk sporting son, Maddox. As long as Brad is open to threesomes, whips and being tied up, it's all good!

Her album sales have gone plastic

After a workout, Jennifer Lopez goes out without makeup but remembers her large hoop earrings. I hope she remembers to wear a Depends, especially after taking her laxatives! We don't want another poop incident (refer to below). Maybe Marc is into that shit- no pun intended!

I wonder how she is taking the news that her album is sales are below Hilary Duff's. The album is tanking so badly executives are hinting she retire from singing and concentrate on something else. Poor diva! I hear a rivalry heating up between Mariah and J. Lo. With Mariah's new album coming out, the two are reportedly engaged in a verbal tussle.There's nothing I love more than a wild cat fight between two out of control divas. Unless its news about Brad and Angelina shacking up in a Hollywood hotel. I really love that!

Stop jerking us around

I'm so sick of the mind games Demi and Ashton insist on playing with us the public, the tabloid readers. She's pregnant, she's not. Ashton jokes about it. Demi denies it. Their publicist says she's not. Their friends insist she is nine weeks along. She shows up wearing baggy sweaters and big jackets leading me to believe that her liposuctioned tummy is beginning to swell with Ashton's love child. I hope she has a surgeon standing by for a tummy tuck in eight months! She can be sewn up nice and tight with oblique implants.

Here Demi disguises her burgeoning belly by wearing my grandmothers wrinkled green pleated curtain with a cardigan and string of beads in an attempt to look vintage. Ashton layers his satin zippered jacket with a blazer and opened collared shirt. Those two are not fashion icons. I can't wait to see Ashton as a daddy. I bet he adorns his child in trucker caps and red wrist strings. I'm going to guess its a boy and his name will be Dashiki Irving Moore-Kutcher. Baby Kutchie for short.

Introducing Chick by Nicky Hilton

Nicky Hilton just launched her new tee shirt and purse collection, Chick. Cool. I think it would have sold better if she named it "'ho". The clothing features items festooned with sequins and worn by the Hilton sisters so everything is crotchless and comes with a special pocket for your blow. The items will be available in Macy's if you want to run out to the mall and buy something. You may never be a Hilton sister but now you can dress like one!

Hurry up and get in line because this shit is going to sell out quickly. I want something pink and trimmed with crystals and rhinestones! Fire up the Bentley, it's time to go spend daddy's money!

Star loves free mink! Especially hand cuffs!

From Page Six: "Al Reynolds had a surprise Tuesday night for his beloved wife, Star Jones. The hubby showed up at actor Alan Cumming's reading of erotica at Duvet Tuesday evening, checked out the room and made a beeline for the gift bags, to which he helped himself. We can only imagine what the newlyweds did when he got home with his swag, which included a pair of furry handcuffs, a whip and a bottle of Svedka vodka."

Well, after Al lost his job we can't blame him for heading to the gift bags for some complimentary goods. He needs to provide for his Starlet, lest she not be treated like the chocolate goddess that she thinks she is. Maybe Al chained Star to the bed and left her there. For a couple of days. With only a bottle of Vodka to drink. Come on! Al went to the reading in hopes of getting a free bottle of Alan's new perfume, Cumming All Over. I believe Al also hoped to score a date with the actor but came up empty handed in the booty call department.

In this photo provided by PETA, female impersonator Flotilla DeBarge, the 'Empress of Large' poses for PETA's 'Fur Is a Drag' ad spoofing Star Jones' penchant for wearing pelts. The ad will be unveiled outside of The View studios on April Fool's Day.

I can't wait to see Star's reaction. Too bad I refuse to watch the View because I cannot stand Star and her self righteous bullshit. But if you see it, do send me an email and let me know what she says! Flotilla makes a lovely Ms. Jones. Don't you think Al would agree?

Do you have your period? On your shirt?

Man down! Man down! Quick, somebody call 911! Jessica's been shot and the blood splatter on her shirt indicates a mitrocardial fracture and internal lacerations!

Now why would a good girl like Jess wear a blood stained shirt like a thuggy member from a gang out of Compton? I expect that from punky wanna-be, Ashlee and her blackened mullet. With the bandana in her hair Jessica looks like my old cleaning lady, Lupe. Except Lupe also wore pink foam curlers and a housecoat.

Jessica loves her sweatpants and Uggs doesn't she? And what goes with sweats? Why, a bloody shirt of course. Imagine for a moment if she showed up wearing white, blood stained pants. Now there would be a fashion statement. And it would say, "I don't have a tampon with me. Oh well."
Okay, us fashionistas cannot be looking fabulous all the time just maybe ninety percent of the time. So I'm going to cut Jess a some slack here. But lately she appears as if she just rolled out of bed and fell into the clothes on the floor. I guess she didn't get around to reading the part of my blog where I suggest she not wear Uggs and sweats because her legs become dwarfed and elfin. I appreciate a clean scrubbed face but I do spot a herpes simplex 1 breaking out near her lip.

With so many cute summer tops available at Forever 21 and tons of funky jeans at Hollister, I suggest Jessica rake a brush through her tresses and slip into something a tad more flattering. I say anything not bloody paired with pants that are not sweats and shoes that are not Uggs is a good place to start. I guess I shouldn't have made fun of her skirt and cowboys boots with the tights the other day. That was step in the right direction. And there was no bloodshed.