Conversations about Famous People: 03/01/2005

Thursday, March 31

Viva Pam!

Pamela Anderson looks surprisingly like Loni Anderson, the Burt years, or a female impersonator on hiatus from La Cage Aux Folles. What's up with her face? Did she just get some new cheek implants and a face lift? Her eyes look slanted- either she is tired, high, or just had botox shots.

Tear your eyes away from her makeup job and the phallic tube of lipstick provocatively dancing around her lips. No seriously, look away. Now. Check out her hair. Looks like Stephen Dorff got tangled in it and managed to climb out before she was attacked by a bottle of hairspray. And then giant birds built a nest in it and left behind a few eggs and some twigs.

I love big blonde hair as much as the next hooch, but when the line crosses over into cartoony Marge Simpson territory, you know you must tame the height with a hat or a brush. Reaching for a description of her hair, I dare to call it a Kentucky Waterfall. A faux mullet- except the top is super high so it's not a traditional mullet. Perhaps a wig from the Dolly Parton Collection?

We can only imagine the dialogue that took place between Britney and Kevin after he came back from Las Vegas wearing a pair of silk pink panties on his head reeking of booze and babes. Poor Britney who may or may not be pregnant, spent the weekend on her brothers deck sun- bathing and picking a wedgie and waving to the paparazzi which captured her every movement including rearranging a bush and applying lotion to her newly huge boobies.

Kevin: Baby, its so good to see you.
Britney: I hear you got some escort when you was in Vegas. How could you?

Note: I have been to Las Vegas at least a dozen times and have never required an escort. We can conclude a.) Kevin didn't want to get lost b.) we can also assume he hired someone to act as a tour guide.

Britney: What, you think I'm stoopid?
Kevin: Yeah. She didn't mean anything. I was just rubbing her body with dollar bills and shit. I was so high. I don't even know what was going on.
Britney: Who is she?
Kevin: Well, baby, remember last year when I went to Vegas with the guys and I got wasted and ended up with some chick? It was her. Van- Vaniss- Vanessa? Dude, yeah. She hot!
Britney: And you was touchin her and had your hands all over her? I read it on the intranet.
Kevin: Big deal! Baby, I always come back to my meal ticket, I mean you.
Britney: You cheated on Shar when she wuz pregnant. I can't trust you.
Kevin: You know I love you. Now, baby, go fetch me a cold one and a smoke, would ya?
Britney: oh Kevvie. You promise you aint gonna cheat on me no more?
Kevin: Only when I'm in Vegas, hahaha. And when we get dee-vorced, I'm gonna move to there. Yeah. You can bring Cletus Jr. out there to visit his old man. Duuuude. Let me see your boobs.

Just remember, what happens in Vegas doesnt stay there, it gets splashed all over the internet and will most likely get a cover story on a tabloid this weekend. Cheers, Kevin!

Elizabeth Hurley, looking ultra sexy on her way to an event to celebrate Mary Poppins. Well, what do you expect from a woman who wore her cleavage pushed up to her chin for a baptism? Do you really expect her to wear jeans and a tee shirt when she has an opportunity to dress like a femme fatale? I'm sure there were lots of hot single dads out that night. You never know. We always need to dress like we are about to meet and have sex with Brad Pitt.

Personally I think the see through top (which looks like a tissue) and tight satin pants is a very kid friendly outfit. Kids respond well to satin and breasts and children especially love to point out camel toes. Taking a page from Liz's book, I'm going to wear my new crotchless stockings with my glittery nipple covers and leg warmers to Blue's Clue's on Ice! Liz and I are so full of good taste, we are overflowing!

I hear Liz is getting a part in the new Harry Potter movie. I hope she wears fishnets, a tube top and a pointy witch hat for her role! And maybe a mole on the end of her nose.

Explosive materials contained...

This photo is of Lisa Rinna, fresh from her monthly visit to the plastic surgeon where he inflated her lips with a new substance created from helium, collagen and floatation materials. She gets to bring home a tiny pump to fluff her lips up as needed in between visits. Sometimes she springs a leak and if you get close enough you can hear the air hissing out.

Careful hon, one of these days those lips might take off for the sky like a rampant Thanksgiving Day parade balloon. And then all that will be left in their place is two thin and shriveled lips like flat tires. But don't worry. You can always refill them with the saline of your implants until you can get in to see the doctor!

Ready for the tush push?

How did Jessica Simpson get the skirt from my elementary school Brownie uniform? And where's the beanie?

Nervous that her Dukes of Hazzard movie won't draw horny teenage boys to the theaters in droves, Jessica prepares herself for a new career as a line dancing instructor. She is all ready to do the boot scoot with her cowboy boots, Dukes of Hazzard tee shirt and oversize belt. She even prepared for the mechanical bull by wearing heavy tights under her skirt just in case she is thrown off mid-buck. Looks like she is headed to her car because she forgot her ten gallon hat and bandana. Hope the new job works out for you, Jessica. And what does preacher dad say about your Texas two step? I know he loves it when you do the tush push.

I guess Jared Leto, who can be hot but chooses to look like he went dumpster diving, doesn't mind girls with zits. He went out with Cameron Diaz who is reported to have whore-able skin, lots of big, pus filled zits and scars all over her face. In fact, with the advent of high definition television, we will be able to count the pimples on her face and actually see inside her pores! It will bring a whole new element to tv watching!

After Cam and Jared broke up, he moved onto Scarlett who also has a problem with her complexion, check out the above photo. It's nice to know Jared doesn't find angry red zits repulsive! I have an enormous goiter on my forehead he might really like and I feel an eruption about to happen on my chin. I'm going to fax a photo to Jared and hope he calls! Do you think he buys ProActiv for his girlfriends instead of sending flowers?

Cletus and BritBrit Junior

If you just cannot wait for nine months to pass and photos of Kevin and Britney's spawn to be photographed and plastered on every tabloid from here to the Arctic Circle, Star Magazine gives us a sneak peek of what the Federline children will look like.

Cletus Junior wears lopsided smirk belonging to Popeye which makes me question the paternity. I'm a little afraid Cletus may have popped out of the womb with the do rag already in place which makes him a special kid who can ride the short bus. I have never seen an infant with eyebrows like millipedes, we can only guess that trait is handed down from Kev's side of the family.

The infant Britney as a child already has highlighted hair and peachy cheeks. The baby Britbrit has a large forehead and is sporting a nice shade of lipstick and subtle eyeliner. I love full face makeup on baby girls! So cute, baby hoochies! Too bad the photo did not show her cropped top and low rider pants, showing off a pudgy belly and diaper.

Thankfully neither of the Federline kids have Kevin's squinty eyes or Britney's double chin and zits. Now theres a morph I'd like to see. Let's not forget the cornrows and cigarettes!

Clap on! Clap off!

After consuming too many TrimSpa/ Malibu rum cocktails with a special Valium chaser, Anna Nicole attempts to look sexy and instead resembles the old lady from the Clapper commercials who has fallen and cannot get up.

Seems Anna was posing on top of the fireplace when she slipped on one of her mules and went down, landing on a fur carpet from the J. Lo Sweetface collection. Since she was horizontal and there was a camera nearby, Anna tried to look sexy but her tattooed leg looks strange, as if her kneecap is broken but she doesn't want her shoe to fall off. She appears as if she is trying to get up but is too drug induced to pull herself upright so she's just going to lay on the floor for a while.
Her face seems to be saying, "Help me! I just ruptured an implant on this cold hard floor and I need a drinky poo!"

I prefer the fat Anna Nicole! She was larger than life. Skinny Anna is sadly just another strung- out model with huge boobs and a reality show. How long until she appears on The Surreal Life with Isaac from the Loveboat, Joey Lawrence and Bob Saget?

Wednesday, March 30

Brittany Murphy is doing her best to wear every washed out color of the rainbow that blends into her skin and creates a very monochromatic look to contrast with her dark hair. In this billowy gown, Brittany appears to not have legs and her very pointy shoes can double as weapons should she encounter any gestures of sexual innuendo coming from Bruce Willis. Her shoulder blades are also pointed and filed, ready for a rumble.

Seems like J. Lo showed up in a large dress one time and now everyone is doing it. You really can't beat the comfort. There is nothing like being able to keep a change of clothes and a meal under your gown for break time. And when the bow comes off and curtains of her dress part, a screen is revealed where Little Black Book plays and popcorn is given out courtesy of Orville Redenbacher hidden in her bust.

Kelly looks pissed! And I would too if I had to wear those archaic bodice compressing tops! Inside that tight corset, Kelly Osbournes breasts are pointing inwards, her ribs are starting to crack and internal organs are squished. She needs a portable oxygen machine when she wears her whalebone corset because she simply cannot fit a lick of air through her passageways with out popping a few buttons on her PT Barnum vest.

Under the vest is a bustier tied and buckled so tightly a locksmith is required to be on hand for the undressing. Once the constricting accessories are removed, her intestines inflate like a hot air balloon and her stomach expands and fills with gas (note to Kelly- buy some Beano!). Kelly's innards are beginning to meld together and she must be hand fed with a dropper because her stomach is folded up like a piece of orgami and she can only ingest small amounts of strained apricots. I'm so glad Jack doesn't mind feeding his sister. Now if only she could find a corset for those plump arms. Just kidding Kelly! You look fine. Now don't forget to breathe!

Her shit dont cost a thing

A friend sent me this story which is too entertaining not to be shared! Lets just say J. Lo should stop scarfing down those Baked Lays with Olestra. The package clearly states anal leakage may occur...

The Superficial "Remember a few years ago when Ben Affleck and Matt Damon were here shooting Project Greenlight?" (They had gone to Sundance to interview directors and writers and try and create a publicity stunt and an episode out of it.) "I was doing sound in the condo where they were both lodging and filming. At one point Ben took a break from shooting and disappeared upstairs to his bedroom. By mistake he left his wireless mic on."

"Jennifer Lopez was there with Ben, but was hiding out in his room the whole time. At first when I heard Ben kissing her hello, I immediately went to turn the volume down on my headphones. But then they started kissing loudly and making noises, and I felt so guilty, but I left the sound up, and heard Jennifer saying 'I love you baby, I love you... You wanna get busy, baby. You wanna get busy?'"

"Then I heard Ben reply, .'Are you sure you're feelin' better? I don't want you to shit on me again.'"

Silence. Then screams from everyone on our crew. Our dear sound guy seemed like he had finally told a story he'd been holding onto for years, and was relieved to tell people who found it more funny than disgusting. I think it is perfectly both."

Doggie Style!

At first I was a little miffed I didn't receive an invite to Donald Trumps wedding. Come on, Star Jones and Gal were invited, after all! Donald and I go way back to when I bumped into him in Trump Tower on the way to use the bathroom after a shopping spree on Fifth Avenue and my Cosbella thongs went flying into the air, landing on a gilded bust of the Donald, much to his amusement. I've known Melania for years as we were both models in eastern Europe as children. But then I wiped my tears as I read the following and was at once filled with relief that I did not have to witness Pat's strange canine-like behavior. Furthermore, I would have been embarrassed- for him and me- if he panted and begged on his hind legs for my attention. And if he licked my face I would have been pissed- do you know how hard it is to get the right blend of bronzing gel and blush?

Page Six "O'Brien was already starting to fray around the edges when he attended Donald Trump's wedding to lingerie model Melania Knauss at Mar-a-Lago, said eyewitnesses. The popular host of "The Insider," who's currently in rehab, surprised bystanders when he jumped in between NBC head (and former boss) Jeff Zucker and CBS honcho Les Moonves, who were deep in conversation. O'Brien first teased the two network rivals for speaking to each other, and then "humped Zucker's leg," said a shocked spy. "The security guards asked that he have a 'time out' by the pool," said the source.

At once I have an image of Pat with a studded dog collar, leash and large bone hanging from his drooling mouth. I also have no trouble envisioning Pat with a diaper and a bib, begging to be spanked. There are clubs for those kind of fetishes and I bet Pat has platinum member status.

Side note- do you think the rehab facility offers any kind of tooth whitening incentive? Not to be mean, but Pat's teeth kind of look like that Indian corn people like to hang on their doors around Halloween.

Paratrooper Wilmerama

Word has it that Lindsay was banging on Wilmers hotel room door in the middle of the night looking for some lip smacking action! After a night of vodka tonics, whiskey shots and dancing topless on bar stools, what else could answer the mighty cry of the loins? Hey, there is nothing wrong with a late night booty call with your ex when youre drunk and horny. Don't judge her because she is young and slutty!

Her attraction to Wilmer may have been promptly snuffed out if she happened to catch a glimpse of him wearing the olive green Members Only jacket created from parachute material circa 1989. Let's not overlook the layers of Army green shirts with the satiny jacket serving as the accessory to pull it all together. Thankfully we cannot see his mossy green thong! Take note of the pants, tie dyed cords, sweet. He must have been trying to make himself appear shorter (see Jessica "stumpy" Simpson) by folding his pants with the famous "french roll" ie. tapering and cuffing with one swift maneuver. Wilmer then highlighted his capri pants creation with a pair of camouflage patterned extra high high-top sneakers, adding a knit cap and what appears to be a chain in his pocket as the piece de resistance.

Perhaps the outfit was born out of a desire to audition for a military film or be involved in some kind of ambush? Was he going into hiding from Lindsay, hoping to blend in with the New York City greenery? Oh I know! It was that wacky Kabbalah devotee, Ashton Kutcher and that crazy Punk'd show. Must have something to do with that!

Monday, March 28

Mrs. Soprano wants her look back!

I can hear the gum cracking! Paris Hilton must be trying out for a role in "Bayonne Beauties".

With her bleached, teased hair, shellacked into submission with a tube of Dippity Do and a can of Aqua Net, her sunglasses and her nail file, she is all set to play a mafioso's girlfriend living in New Jersey, driving a late model Crown Victoria and working at Forever 21. I hope she perfects that strong east coast accent, its crucial that she know how to pronounce "caw-fee and wa-dah". And does she know what a guido is?

Also a must: dark lipliner filled in with a frosty pink lipstick and lots of gum chewing, lip smacking and eye rolling. I think she has that last part down quite well.

Jocelyn Wildenstein Halloween masks- now available!

Priscilla is afraid if she smiles too much her carefully constructed face will shatter into several pieces and may have to be sewn back together. After her skin bleaching, chemical peel and dermabrasion, Priscilla brought a photo of Joan Rivers to her plastic surgeon and asked if she could have the same cheekbones but with the skin pulled tighter! Tighter! She requested a smooth forehead along with an eye and brow lift plus enough Botox to freeze a small country and a chin implant to balance out the cheeks. She is now awaiting word that she will play Joscelyn Wildenstein in the movie of the week.

Meanwhile, Oprah looks on thinking to herself, "What the hell did she do to her face?" and Lisa Marie laughs that her mother strangely resembles her ex husband, Michael Jackson.

Who's that lesbian?

Hey look! Its Sarah Jessica "No longer Gap worthy" Parker, her son James and her lesbian nanny, going for a stroll in Manhattan! Sarah looks good with the exception of the Uggs. When will that trend die? And is that a baby bump I detect?

What? That's not her butch nanny sporting Ray Bans and a Fantastic Sams haircut along with a pair of rumpled Dickies? Well then- who- her husband? Indeed, it is Ferris Bueller! Why is he wearing a shrunken blazer with one button pulled to the max? It appears he is trying to smuggle a Gap scarf, a few sweaters and a pair of breasts under the brown coat. The red mittens shoved in his pocket - nice touch, good way to accessorize with the plaid Christmas scarf and the little boys shoes.

Matthew looks a bit like Cynthia Nixon's manly gal pal and that is not a good thing.

Right back atcha Cam!

Cameron Diaz has really good manners. Look at the way she greets photographers, giving them the middle finger salute. She is conscious about the environment, supports hybrid cars and loves publicity! We can file her under "ungrateful celebs who cry about their fame".

Cammie, show some love for the photog's that keep your mug in the news, without them you might only be known as the girl from The Mask and the chick that dates Justin. How about a smile and a wave? Even Britney can muster up a grin and her face is full of pimples!

Stumpy Legs

Didn't Jessica get the memo? You know, the one that tells her not to wear sweatpants and Uggs because it shortens her legs and makes her like a dwarf? She is taking the "hobo chic" movement very seriously. Remember back in the day when jeans and cute tee shirts were in style? Somehow I just cant bring myself to wear oversized sweats. On the upside of this fashion development, you don't run the risk of the dreaded camel toe.

Only a few days ago Jess was wearing a flannel shirt and baggy pants plus a hat to hide her unwashed hair. Look, it's a real pain to wash and blow your hair dry. Is she expected to have a hairstylist on call every single day? You know, her dad cannot be her manager, agent, stylist, wardrobe assistant, personal shopper then be expected to set and curl her hair. A dad can only do so much!

Nice shirt Jessica. When you're done pass it along to Ashlee, okay?

Rehab, addiction and therapy- its the new trend!

Joe Simpson is wringing his hands, trying to figure out how to admit Jessica into rehab and capture it all on a reality show. It seems like the trend du jour is to attend rehab for some kind of addiction or problem.

Everyone who is anyone has been to rehab at least once. You're just not cool unless you've been in rehab. Matthew Perry was just admitted (again!) and Pat O'Brien has settled in with his cell phone and dictionary of porn slang.

Whitney is trying to come off smack while Billy Joel is cleaning up his act, hoping to put an end to his telephone pole crashing. Paula should be attending outpatient therapy for her obvious addiction to something as slurred speech and incoherent thoughts indicate heavy narcotic usage.

Joan Rivers and Janice Dickinson have openly admitted to being addicted to plastic surgery, as both of them have faces created from harvested pig skin and donated cadaver epidermis. Mary Kate is a frequent guest in group therapy, toting her oversized Starbucks cups full of laxatives and coke. Charlie Sheen went into rehab a while back and Ben Affleck enjoyed a stay at Promises. And how can we not mention the patron saint of rehab, Courtney Love?

I think an admission to a rehab facility should come with a Screen Actors Guild card along with one Get Out of Jail free pass.

Sunday, March 27

Need a chiropractor?

Mariah Carey celebrates her 35th birthday wearing a satiny white dress, pin-straight blonde hair extensions and heavy black eye-makeup created with a sharpie pen and purple chalk. Mariah, might I suggest bangs and curls to take the focus of your forehead?

Does she know she has a stain on the left side of her gown? No matter. It's just a splatter of Puff Daddy's drool. Nothing a little club soda can't get out! An exaggerated pose, Mariah thrusts out her chest and cracks the vertebrae in her back as she ensures every guest will get a good look at her large bosoms. A Greek goddess in a white crystal trimmed toga, Mariah insist's that party goers bow to her and toss rose petals in her wake as she trots down a plush white carpet rolled out just for her stilettoed feet.

Gifts included new rims for her Escalade, glitter nail polish and body spray, fur trimmed hair clips, coupons for Mystic Tan and custom blended perfume from Celine Dion. I hope she likes the gift I sent- J. Lo's new album, sent C.O.D of course!

Like a virgin- really!

This was just too good not to post here! Madonna and her husband get dressed up for a Kabbalah event in London, forgoing their designer clothes for religious attire. Personally, I think they look fab!

The costumes would have been a wonderful way for Demi to hide her pregnant tummy, if the rumors are true. And just think of Ashton as the pope! That would beat the time they got dressed as gigantic babies at the Kabbalah Halloween party.

But back to Madonna. I think that look is quite becoming, don't you? Much better than the crucifix rage of the 80's. And think of the fun role playing the two could act out in after the party! The nun and the preist? It's just as good as the teacher and the naughty school boy if not better. Candles and confession time for Madonna and Guy. When can we expect to see that video leak out onto the shelves of our local video stores?

Rock out with your fetus out!

Britney Spears: Pregnant!

Star Magazine is announcing its official: Britney Spears and her husband of seven months, Kevin Federline, are expecting a baby!

The 23-year-old singer is three-months pregnant, according to sources close to the couple, and an official announcement confirming the happy news is expected to be released this weekend.

A source close to the couple tells Star that Britney is already reading "What to Expect When You're Expecting," an advice manual for expectant moms, and is eating for two with double helpings of everything.

"Brit is totally focused on being a mom," says the source. "She says it's the most important thing she's ever done in her life. From now until the baby comes, she says she's not going to do anything more strenuous than eat for two!"

"He calls Brit 'my lady-in-waiting,'" says the source. "Kevin knows he's not going to get a moment's peace from now until the baby comes. He says what he really enjoys about her pregnancy is chugging beers and telling Brit 'You can't have one!'"

What a nice guy! We love Cletus Federspears!

Saturday, March 26

At least she didnt go for the stone rabbit..

Alicia and I had a great time shopping for that dress. I suggested a tiny beaded purse from Nordstrom to complete the outfit. When I went into Brookstone to check out the buckwheat pillows and adjustable reading lights, she noticed the pretend cement rocks meant for hiding keys and announced, "This would go perfectly with my dress!"

I tried to explain those faux boulders were for hiding a key, not to accompany a evening gown but she wouldnt hear of it. "No, I love it!" she cried and proceeded to the checkout. I thought she would change her mind and go with an elegent purse, but as you can see from this photo, she went with the fake rock. A bit heavy to carry around all night, but her keys fit perfectly and she didn't mind not having a place to hold her lipstick and face powder. That's what a bra is for!

Halle Berry wants to have a baby and her biological clock is ticking louder than a time bomb. She wants to get pregnant and feels artificial insemination is the only way its going to happen. Well, lucky for Halle, Brad Pitt wants to have a child and I think the two would make a lovely couple and have gorgeous babies! Hey, the divorce will be final soon and why not? If Brad isnt going to date Angelina, I think he should approach Halle with a deal. Halle Berry Pitt actually has a nice ring to it. Hold off on going to that sperm back, Halle. Lets get a meeting between you and Brad, pronto!

Remember back in the 1980's when Whitney was so pretty and talented? And then she met Bobby Brown and it was all downhill from there. From cancelled performances to incoherent mumblings and stuttering, we were left wondering, what happened? Drugs. And a very volatile marriage to Bobby.

Whitney, I'm glad you checked into rehab. Girl, you aren't looking so good. We are all pulling for a healthy recovery and hope you get better soon! If you run into Pat and Billy in group therapy, tell them I said hello. And Paula might be checking in soon too so you will have some company. Until then, focus on getting clean and sober. And there might be a book deal in this whole thing if you just hang in there.

"Charlie Sheen is furious that friends of his estranged wife, Denise Richards, have been telling Us Weekly he has a sex, drug and gambling problem. Richards' pals say Sheen paid a hooker $15,000 for sex, gambled away up to $400,000, and has been using prescription drugs. Some say it was Sheen's anger over the article that caused him to go to court in L.A. yesterday to contest Richards' claim for spousal support. According to "Extra," Sheen also wants joint custody of daughter Sam and their unborn child."

Poor Denise arrives at her home to find a huge public notice taped to her front gate. Gee thanks Charlie! What a gentleman. This is going to be an ugly divorce. We can only guess that perhaps there is an inkling of truth to those rumors and Charlie is pissed that his "good name" is being dragged through the mud. Where would those evil lies come from? Because he has been an upstanding citizen and has never solicited for sex from a hooker and he has never touched a line of coke in his life! Vicious lies, all of them!

Well, on the bright side, Puff Daddy/P. Diddy is finally designing a line of custom rims and that would perk anyone up. I know I'm totally stoked over this news! Hey Charlie, get yourself over to Puff for some exclusive, aluminum Sean John rims and pimp up your SUV. Maybe that will put you in a better mood and you'll ease up on pregnant, hormonal Denise!

No longer The Pitts

It's finally over. Take a moment and observe some silence. Take a Kleenex and dab your eyes. There is no hope for reconciliation.

Jennifer Aniston officially filed for divorce from Brad Pitt this afternoon. And our nation mourns the death of another Hollywood couple. Please, don't tell me Brit and Kev are really on the outs. And if Jessica and Nick break up I just don't know what I'll do. Another one bites the dust. So long, Mr. & Mrs. Pitt!

Tommy Lee says YUCK regarding Hiltons toes

Former Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee tells Blender magazine that he hasn't seen the world's second most famous home sex tape - featuring Paris Hilton and then boyfriend Rick Solomon. "I haven't seen it yet," he said. "But I heard she's got really ugly toes - that her feet are crazy-looking. I'm a foot man, so when I heard that, I was like, 'I don't know if I'm gonna see it.' I heard her feet are up in the camera, a lot of these crazy feet shots."

I never gave much thought to Paris Hilton's feet but after reading Tommy's insightful thoughts and viewing the above photo, I am inclined to agree with him. Ugly feet on a porn tape are such a no-no. Knowing her feet are in range of the camera makes me want to cross that video off my "must view" list. Long gorilla toes are good for picking up lipgloss and clothes from the floor, also steering the car in a pinch. Perhaps she can also climb trees with those toes. Paris, you are a woman of many talents!

Friday, March 25

While Kevin is rocking out with his Playstation and getting stoned with his Fresno buds in their Malibu mansion, Britney checks into a Santa Monica hotel and reads diet magazines, eats shrimp cocktail and drinks ice tea. Poor Britney, all alone at the hotel! Where is her assistant and bodyguard? She needs a CaCee like Jessica has! Jess is never alone.

My sources tell me rap star Kevin is just trying to fatten her up a bit because he likes his women like his hot dogs- plump and juicy. What to believe? Those breasts are looking rather large lately. Is it all the mayonaisse and fried food thats giving her some junk in the trunk and extra boobage? Is Kevin really encouraging her to eat sticks of butter and cartons of ice cream? Is the marriage on the rocks and she is seeking comfort in food? We want to know! Britney, let me know what we can do to help. As I wait for your call, Im knitting you a baby blanket made out of Slim Jims. Love ya Brit!

Paula, you made it your own and you delivered

Poor incoherent Paula Abdul! She was having a great time searching for opium in Malaysia when she learned of the criminal hit- and -run charges pending in Los Angeles. If you are not familiar with this, Paula clipped a driver on the 405, causing minor damage to the vehicle. She was so busy touching up her lip-gloss, chatting on her cell phone, slurping her Jim Beam and daydreaming about Mario Vazquez that she didn't notice her Mercedes smacked another car. The big THUD THUMP hooooonkkkk! wasn't audible and the impact wasn't registered.

She was in Kuala Lumpur for a Tsunami benefit when she learned she could serve a possible six months in jail. Prison is just a bit too pitchy for our princess! Like a true diva, she took to her bed at once, throwing a temper tantrum when a friend suggested she pull herself together. Pillows went flying and vases shattered as a confused Paula tried to grasp her future in an orange jumpsuit sans heavy gold jewelry and oversized earrings.

This is where things get juicy- with her eyes half opened, Paula scratched her friends face as the helpful buddy tried to cheer Paula up. Catfight! I hope she didn't break a nail dragging her talons along the side of her pals cheek! Ouch. The next day Paula threw a piece of jewelry and insisted the friend pay her back for a hamburger the friend had eaten at the hotel. Stuttering, mumbling Paula can't spare a few bucks for lunch? Remind me never to agree to a lunch date with her.

Back in Los Angeles, dizzy Paula got off with barely a spanking, only having to pay a fine and repairs on the other car. She got her Out of Jail Free card after singing "Straight Up" wearing only black tights and a fedora in court. Maybe she should stop mixing her prescription drugs with heavy narcotics when she gets behind the wheel of her car. A tipsy Paula speeding on the 405 is a recipe for disaster. If she drives like she articulates, that license should be revoked, pronto. Doesn't American Idol provide complimentary limo service?

Paula, I hear Whitney is looking for a roommate at the rehab facility. She was bunking with Pat O' Brien but his dirty sex talk was too much for Whit's delicate ears. He is now sharing a room with Billy Joel so there's a bed waiting for you. You might want to change the sheets first.

Wilmerama begs for it!

WILMER VALDERRAMA loves the trash talk! I think he wants us to be uttering his name, discussing the fact he dated not only cutie Mandy Moore but also boozy, tanorexic Lindsay Lohan and mullet sporting Ashlee Simpson.

"Bring it on!" he laughs, citing that he wouldn't mind being linked to Angelina Jolie. That's not funny Wilmerama. That would simply never happen for obvious reasons. She likes men such as that Pitt guy and women like, well- me. But if you want, I can start some rumors right here.

You might be dating Haylie Duff and we know you took Jamie Lynn Spears to The Hard Rock Cafe for burger and fries. Weren't you seen making out with Andy Dick? I saw a photo of you macking out with Tina Yothers and the other night I witnessed you touching Paula Abdul, although she was obvioulsy wasted as usual. You've also been photographed wearing Paris Hilton's panties on your head but then again, who hasn't? I saw you in a bar wearing nothing but a beret, a thong and a tank top dancing to ABBA while The Kutch tried to put money down your g-string.

I love spreading rumors about Wilmerama! Hey Wilmer, you did say you wanted to take a giant gossip bath with bubbles, right? I'm happy to oblige.

Ashton is gay and Brad does drugs!

Ashton "The Kutch" Kutcher, is gabbing with Brad Pitt in the April issue of Interview. Brad and Ashton talk about the search for meaning in religion and the price of fame: Brad says, "Celebrity is a trap." (A trap that affords you many luxuries)

Ashton counters, "If you believe it." (Please!)

But Brad, at age 40, has had more wear and tear. "Personally . . . I feel a little closed off from the world. I want to sit on my front lawn and watch traffic go by." (Then move to a remote corner of the USA and buy your log cabin and do it. No one is forcing you to live in freaking Beverly Hills and chaining you to the bed.)

Ashton insists, "You can do that!" (Mtv will be glad to sign a reality show contact with you. Let's call it: Pitt'd)

Brad laughs, "You can do it if you sell tickets." (Oh my gosh! Fame is a bitch, isn't it guys? Earning buckets of money and being able to travel around the world first-class is so rough! Never having to worry about financial security sucks! Having personal trainers and chefs not to mention homes in every corner of the world is really quite a burden. Keep whining while I go vomit.)

Brad: "What about the press? They've already said you're stupid. Have they said you're gay yet?" (Well they just might if they find out Ashton is obsessed with Boogie Nights and Dirk Diggler is his personal hero. Oops! Don't let that leak out!)

Ashton: "I don't know if I've gotten gay." ( Don't worry Ash, you will. You look a little girly in those puffy white tracksuits )

Brad: "Oh, really? You'll get there." (Is that because you were spotted on Sunset Strip trolling for men several years ago?)

Ashton counters "Everyone assumes I'm on drugs most of the time." (Yeah, well. Duh.)

Brad: "I don't think I've ever gotten that one, and I usually am on drugs!" (We know you are quite the toker, Brad. But does Jen really do lines of coke to stay so skinny? Thats what we want to know.)

Allegedly...

"We cannot remain silent during what appears to be a ruthless and savage attack by the media on Charlie's character. To imply that he is in any way regressing to the behavior that cost him so dearly and almost ended his life just seven years ago is not only the lowest form of journalism, but sinks to the level of defamation." - Martin Sheen, defending his son. Because to accuse a former sex addict and drug fiend of repeating his behavior is just barbaric!

So please explain why Charlie was (allegedly) hanging out with a prostitute and was spotted gambling. What would make Denise so mad that she would spit nails and kick Charlie's flabby buttocks to the gutter?

Denise has banned Charlie from the delivery room when she cranks out his spawn and she wants sole custody of the two children, even if the second baby has Charlie's beakish nose and receding hairline! He fired back and said he won't pay her one red cent from his Spin City and Major League fortune which amazingly hasn't been squandered on big breasted whores and coke. So there! But I'm sure she isn't hurting for money and Hugh Hefner's doors are always open to another pictorial so I guess next year this time Denise just may be gracing the cover of Playboy and starring in Starship Troopers 2.

Rumpled is trendy and slovenly is chic!

Do not wear Dry Clean Only with kitten heeled mules, but do wear your sweats and pull on last years scuffed Uggs because hobo chic is now all the rage! Please cancel your tanning sessions and your waxing appointments and follow Ethan Hawke's lead- an stubbly face with greasy hair and zits is chic!

Stylists are calling it "slobby chic," "earthy elegance" and "modern bohemian." Its an effortless style that requires none of the expensive perfection we have come to associate with being current and trendy. In fact, we can thank the Olsen twins for exposing the seedy underbelly of fashion, wearing bathrobes with sweat pants and multi layered necklaces, heavy bangles and long tangled hair. Do not match your clothes, do not waste your time with mascara and lipgloss or leather shoes. Ugly is pretty! Unwashed is cool. Skanky is dandy and filth is divine!

Versatile as well as affordable, anyone can pull off this new look sweeping the nation. You thought Brit and Kev were trashy slobs? Ha! They are in vogue, people. Ripped jeans, flannel shirts, messy hair ripe with split ends and dull color, pimples, postules, overgrown eyebrows and unshaven legs is what its all about!

Happy Birthday to Star

It's Star's birthday today! And in celebration of her special day, I sent over a case of TrimSpa along with some Jimmy Dean sausages and a Playgirl calender for Al. I know, it wasnt his birthday but I was feeling bad for him since he was recently laid off from his job. He must be so depressed! Being married to Starlet, closeting his sexuality and then being fired? Oh the pain! It's okay Al. Soon you can sign those divorce papers and run off into the sunset with Bobby Trendy and your Liberace collection.

Enclosed in the package was this photo, taken a few years back. I just wanted to remind Star how she used to look before she hit it "big" if you can call hitting it big pestering celebs on the red carpet and wheezing through interviews while grasping for words wearing a bad wig and gaudy jewelry. She's big and fat and purple and I'm certain those aren't Payless shoes she's wearing. I do detect a white bra, large enough to hold two German Shepards and launch torpedos. Oh, and because of my recent financial struggles, I was forced to send the gift COD. I hope she doesn't mind!

Thursday, March 24

Mena Suv-ugly

Since when did Mena Suvari start imitating Ashlee Simpson? What happened, did an octopus land on Mena's head and spray red ink all over her dress? Something is on her head, a Star Jones Caucasian Collection Wig? Mena! Remember when you were in American Beauty and you had Kevin Spacey drooling over your blondness? And then you married that old guy and dyed your hair brown and it's never been the same since!

Listen up, chica. You look like a shaggy dog with a bad dye job. I cannot even see if you have a pair of eyes under that fringe. I know its trendy right now to dye your hair jet black and have ghoulish white skin that has never seen the light of day, but did you have to hitch your wheel to that wagon? You have a modified mullet, dear. A mushroom cut. A bowl cut in the front and long locks in the back. Chop it off at once! Get yourself to a professional and gently return to blonde. Even Renee Z. is trying to get back to her golden tresses. Black hair is nice...for people that were born with it. Next time, do not let Kelly Osbourne near your head with a bottle of Nice N Easy, Punk Formula #124X. She is brutal with the hair dye and even worse with the eyeliner.

A letter from Britney

Hey y'all. See here in this picshur, me and Kev, we aint so happy. See, Kev keeps callin' me fat and I keep tellin' him he gotta getta job. Y'all it ain't fair! He sits home and smokes weed and shit and for the last six munts I been tellin' the maids to change the baby's diapers and take BitBit for a walk and stuff. Man, this marriage stuff is real hard. Real hard. Y'all like mah skirt and Uggs? I think its fun. I seen Paris Hilton wear her boots and it looked cute. The doctor told me to wear flip flips or Uggs last summer cause of my knee and when I went barefeeted into the bathroom, I got some kinda flesh eating bacteria all over my ankle!

So, it was Kev's birfday, y'all.. Don't tell nobody but I took Kev to Chi hopin' to run into Justin. Lordy lordy, I shoulda stayed with him, you know? Like, Cletus don't like to take no baths and he don't use deodarent. He smells like chili, y'all and he don't brush his teeth neither and he's got all this green stuff in his teeth. When he don't wanna wash his hair, he just wraps a towel round his head and puts a trucker cap on. And he looks totally cute, y'all. But still. He got lice once and I had to take him to get his head shaved and then I had to warsh his scalp with tar. I think he had crabs too but I aint shur. Some people call him a scuzball and I stick up fer him but he dont wash those manpris and one of these days, them there pants are gonna walk right out my front door.

My moment of truth: I think I might be pregnant! My boobs feel sore and they look real big and Kev says I have a lard ass but that might be cause I eat KFC every day cause the baby makes me crave grease and fried stuff. Kev calls me Heffer, Chubby and Fatso but that means he loves me. He aint so excited 'bout us having babies. He's got two that he knows of and don't want no more.

I's feelin' so sad. Jamie Lynn's getting all famous and shit and Kev's out with his friends all the time y'all and that's why I need this baby. I need Kev's love seed to make me happy! I'll let you know more later, y'all. I gotta run. Kev's callin' me upstairs for a backrub and some zit poppin'! Bye!

Despite the shaggy haircut, he's kind of hot...

Mmmmmbop? How about Mmmmbulge? Looks like Taylor Hanson is packing heat in those tight- yet -worn- in jeans. My goodness, is it getting hot in here? That little muppet has certainly grown up, ahem! I never liked the group and that annoying song grated on my last nerve, but just look at the photo and you might find yourself humming along.

I stumbled across this photo and wanted to post it for your viewing enjoyment or disgust or fascination. Suddenly I find myself very interested in the band. Hey, Hanson rocks!

Holy shizzle, batman! Paris Hilton's new baby and ET are like twins separated at birth! It's uncanny. I want an alien dog that can fit in my hand too!

And I will always love crack...

"Bobbi Kristina....mama needs her meds baby! Boooobbbbbiiiiiii!!!!! Put the Milky Way down and bring mama her medication!"

A year after her first reported stay in rehab, Whitney Houston has again checked into a rehabilitation facility. I doubt this is really her second stint in a rehab facility. Please dont joke with us. She's been in and out of rehab more times than I've been in and out of Sephora.

"Whitney Houston has re-entered a rehabilitation facility today," her publicist, Nancy Seltzer, told The Associated Press Wednesday. She declined to provide details so I will. Whit's been on everything from crack to smack to crystal meth and heroin and has been seen with multiple bottles of Colt 45 hidden in brown paper bags. Well, being married to the erratic Bobby Brown will do that to you. Brit, take notice or you will be on the fast track to Whitney Houstonville faster than you can say "magic mushrooms". You've already got one big toe in Whitneytown so watch out, girlfriend.

The news was first reported by syndicated entertainment TV show "Access Hollywood." And thank goodness it wasn't "The Insider" because of that whole thing surrounding Pat O'Brien. You know. The photos floating around of Pat playing with his weewee. And rumors of him partaking in some extra marital hoochie and of course his addiction to Boones Farm Strawberry wine. Perhaps Pat and Whit can attend group therapy together. And hopefully the on-call dental technician can do something about that yellowed popcorn stuck in her teeth. Gross!

Nice dresses, not!

It's the battle of the silk shantung sheets! Both Claire Danes and Brittany Murphy are sporting odd fitting gowns at the opening of Marni's Los Angeles boutique. I guess Marni sells crinkly, ugly dresses fashioned out of sheets and accentuated with rope and broaches. Not to mean to Marni but those dresses? Icky. But if she wants to send me a free dress, I'll take it have it altered!

Brittany seems to be shrieking, "Ha ha ha! My band-aid colored dress is ugly and I know it! I used to date Ashton Kutcher, hardy har har!"

Claire is more demure and is probably wondering why she didn't get her dress hemmed and some false bosoms secured into the top. I wonder if she is next in line for the potato sack race?

Kiss my ring, darling!

"Mariah Carey made Jennifer Lopez look low-maintence this weekend, when she demanded a red carpet be rolled out for her at 2:15am, just so she could enter a hotel. According to press reports, the large-lunged diva refused to enter the lavish Baglioni hotel in Kensington, London, until a red carpet lined with large white candles had been laid out on the pavement, and had her chauffeur drive her limo around the city until the request was met. "It's not unheard of for us to rush a red carpet out for a guest," the hotel's operations manager admitted. "We're used to dealing with high-profile guests and everyone has their own requirements."

I know the feeling, Mariah. Back in my heyday I insisted a white carpet be rolled out for me with baby powder scented candles. I would not allow my feet to touch pavement unless rose petals were scattered in front of me. I insisted that perfume was sprayed into the air so my nostrils didn't come in contact with any putrid odors. When I was out during inclimate weather, I requested an enormous crystal studded umbrella be held over my highlighted head. Luckily I'm not such a diva anymore.

Wednesday, March 23

Breaking up is hard to do...

I hate to spread rumors but I have a feeling the items in those Barnes and Noble bags are "Divorce for Dummies" and "Women Who Love Their Fathers and the Husbands Who Want to Date Models", a couple copies of "Jessica Simpson's Greatest Hits" cd plus a calendar with puppies and unicorns.

Jessica, you didnt get the Daisy Duke role by dressing in Nick's jeans and a pair of sloppy Uggs not to mention the plaid shirt which belongs on LeAnn Rimes along with some cowboy boots and a belt buckle as big as my head. Something is going on. Female intuition tells me that Jessica's private life has run amuck. I sense Jess and Nick, much like the Federlines, are sleeping apart and there is discord in the Simpson/Lachey home.

"Newlyweds" has finally come to an end-I mean, theres only so much you can do with Jessica's ignorance and Nick's eyerolling. It's time for Jess and Nick to go their separate ways in pursuit of ...whatever.

Can this have something to do with Joe lurking about, peeking through the windows, pushing contracts for reality television shows under the door? Have no fear, in one year from now Jessica and Ashlee will be starring in another reality show about two single girls in the big city, looking for love and fame. ((YAWN))

May I remind you of Gigli, Surviving Christmas and J Lo?

Ben, just a reminder- I like the Starbucks soy-white chocolate mocha! Thanks. Next time you're headed out to pick up some java, call me! But shave first! On to more important things. My friend in the biz tells me B. Aff is set to make his directorial debut! His project will be the adaptation of the novel Gone, Baby, Gone, written by Mystic River author Dennis Lehane.

The film will follow two private detectives (or private dicks, as I like to say) in a working-class Boston, Massachusetts neighborhood who are hired to search for a kidnapped girl. Suddenly I'm having visions of Dakota Fanning, Matt Damon and Casey Affleck. Please tell me Jennifer Garner won't be involved in the movie. Do I need to remind everyone of the bomb that was Gigli? Thats Jee-ly to you. How about that video where Ben kept fondling J. Lo's bikini clad butt?

And speaking of the fur- loving Jennifer, her album sales are really low. She's only sold 400,000 albums! That's not enough to keep her swaddled in rare leopard furs and tight white pants much longer. Let's ponder her future as a singer...

Benny, as I like to call him, will start shooting the movie in Boston during the fall of this year. He is looking at homes in Nantucket which will be fun to make limericks about. And of course he is one step closer to the Kennedy compound where he can spend summers talking about politics and women with Ted Kennedy.

Cameron Olson

Doesn't Ashley Olson look so cute? Except for those gigantic banana stilettos and the rolled up newspaper, she looks good. Wait- look a little closer and you can tell by the acne scars and the cranial laceration, its not Ashley but Cameron Diaz imitating an Olson sister wearing a long coat and messy side swept hair. She even has the monkey lips down! But where's the oversized Starbucks cup and large sunglasses?

Other than that Cameron, you've got the role of Ashley in the new biographical movie of the twins. Congrats on landing the starring role! Now who is going to play Mary Kate?

Meet my new dog Paris!

OMG! I cannot believe it! No, I'm not talking about that garish thing in her hand. And I don't mean those oversize white sunglasses or the fact her extensions are four inches shorter or that her hat is ugly. Paris has to pump her own gas? NO WAY. Isn't there someone on the Hilton family payroll to do that? It's almost as bad as the time Kirsten Dunst had to push her own luggage cart through the airport! My heart! The things these poorly treated celebs have to do themselves! Please tell me Paris didn't actually have to wipe her own windshield or I'll have to take a Valium and wash it down with a split of Cristal.

And because there are just too many cute Prada togs for dogs these days, Paris had to purchase another mini-dog. And then in a gesture of goodness, she purchased a gnome for the dog to pee on! Awwww, how cute. Don't you love tacky lawn ornaments? And don't you love Paris and her addiction to tiny dogs that can fit in her oversized purses, tucked in between her cell phone and prescription drugs? And don't you love teeny tiny designer sweaters made just for dogs? That's HOT! And personally, I love leather doggie chaps and dogs with nipple clips. Now that is HOT!

Thanks for the love..

Thanks for all the love, the emails, flowers, designer clothes and MAC makeup. I especially loved the Lucky jeans I received! Oh wait...sorry I was having a Starbucks induced out of body moment.. I guess I didnt really get that award for Bloggers beating out Rosie O'Donnell for best new blog? But thanks for the well wishes and the notes you sent. I appreciate it! Im back in business so have no fear! Your daily snarkfest will continue!

xo

DistressedJeans

Icky Brit!

Poor Britney! Rumor has it she is fed up with her unemployed dancer husband and the two have been sleeping in separate bedrooms for weeks now! That has nothing to do with the fact Kev doesn't like to bathe or brush his teeth and reeks like the dumpster behind a Chinese food restaurant?

My sources indicate that Brit is more than ready to have a family (if she isn't pregnant already(check out the fatty arms and swollen titties) but Kev isn't hip to that idea. During their recent trip to Louisiana, Britney gorged herself on fattening fried foods while Kevin sneered, "Do you want to Super Size that, fatty?" Brit just picked the chicken gizzards from her teeth and shot Kev an angry look, muttering something about taking his ATM card.

Britney threw Kevin a birthday party complete with fifteen balloons and a cake, but Mr. Pair A Dice acted angry, even pushing her away when she cooed, "Baby, y'all like the party I throwed for you? Baby did y'all like the cake?" Dressed in a pink blazer and a fedora, the birthday boy was in a grumpy mood and ordered the maid to clear out the cake and balloons. Sheesh! Give the guy a job as a designer and he starts acting like a spoiled diva with an attitude!

They then went out with some friends to Justin Timberlake's place Chi for a night of vodka and dancing. I think Brit was hoping to catch a glimpse of JT but he was with Cameron, making sure she was wearing her protective headgear and elebow pads.

I smell trouble in paradise along with unwashed clothes and stinky armpits. Looks like the two dirty birds might be having some issues bigger than who has to walk the dog or throw out the dirty diapers! And Britney, I'd like to recommend Clearasil and oil absorbing pads for your bumpy face. You know I love you, but I must say your skin resembles a relief map of California. I hear those pregnancy cravings can be crazy, but try not to consume entire bags of Funyons and canisters of Pringles, washing it down with a six pack of Red Bull and a twelve pack of Pixie sticks. That cannot be good for Cletus Junior! Do you really want to give birth to a half Chihuahua-half Federline creature with an addiction to Cheetos?

Tuesday, March 22

Computer died...

Guess what? My computer was the recipient of a horrible virus that destroyed everything! It will be a few days before I reconstruct the blog. boohoo!!

Saturday, March 19

"Come on, baby. Give daddy some sugar! Mmmmmm. A daddy sandwich with my two purdy girls."

and Ashlee is like, "Look. I know my dad is like, totally creepy. I know he whored Jess and I out for those MTV shows. Yes, he used to be a preacher and yes, he comments on Jessica's ginormous boobs and watches me have sex with Ryan "broom hair" Cabrerra in the tour bus. He just grabbed me and I have to take my picture with him so don't make fun of me and please leave me alone."

M & B 4evr

Theres nothing like a romantic getaway from the stress of life at a spa in Santa Barbara where you can privately frolic with your loved one! Mischa and Brandon enjoy some quality time together, playing in the pool and doing...weird things on a pool chair. Mischa shows off her lovely clavicle and her sternum in a very deep v- necked black bathing suit with ties on the hips while Brandon displays his man boobs and longish hair in the jacuzzi. I would like to take a moment to recommend a hair cut for Brandon who is going for a bloated Elvis impersonation.

What a lovely day! Especially when a photographer is zooming in with an enormous telephoto lense capturing your day together. I love being a TV star, don't you?

PS. Does Brandon have a job?

Wino forever!

Winona Ryder has been out of the spotlight for a while. Ever since her five fingered discount at Saks she's been laying quite low. But now she arrives at a Marc Jacobs event wearing a empire waist gown which could only mean one thing: she's hiding something.

Under the fancy black high-waisted dress is a baby snuggli filled with a few pairs of socks, a handband, some hair clips, an orange, a 24 ounce bottle of Gatorade, some Orbit gum, a bouncy ball and a pair of ice skates. In her updo you will find a cell phone and a necklace from Claire's.

She's always been chesty so I don't think you will find much in her bra but we cannot be too sure. That Winona is rather crafty. We might discover BitBit tucked in there along with a ransom note addressed to Britney and Kev asking for a gift certificate to Nordstrom and a large suitcase.

"I'm with Stupid" tee shirts for three, please!

Of course you know this by now. Ashton Kindergarten and Demi are rapidly defusing rumors of her pregnancy. Which mean she is pregnant with Ashton's manic lovechild. Did you know Ashton shaves a few years off his age? He is not just 27, more like 32. Which narrows the age gap a bit between him and Demi. Whew!

A few years back I was at a Los Angeles area club when a shaggy haired Ashton sidled up next to me wearing a ripped tee shirt and faded jeans (they were tapered. Yes, tapered) with a fat brown belt and offered to buy me a drink. I politely refused because I had my eye on Wilmerama, but then I overheard him say I was too young. Too young! I'm his age when he doesnt throw out the lies about his age. Obviously he digs the much older gals. Sources tell me he tried to land a date with Cher but she was undergoing an eye lift in Mexico. Bea Arthur was not interested, despite the fact Ashton repeatedly complimented her deep, throaty voice. I'm still waiting to be Punk'd but somehow I feel the speeding ticket I just received was not a stunt choreographed by the Kutch.

Give it another month and Demi will start to show, hopefully posing naked once again on the cover of a magazine with an equally nude Ashton. Wouldn't that be fun? Naked Kutcher's all around! I'm so excited to see baby Kutch. Dashi Kutcher has a pleasant ring to it, no?

Star Jones is mean- but we knew that

A loyal reader named Jenn sent this in for our amusement. Thanks Jenn. We love good gossip!

submitted by: ms.fifth avenue
Location: New York
Department store
(from bitterwaitress.com)

Although I am not a waitress I do shop for people at Sak's Fifth Avenue I have dealt with many celebrities and most have been quite gracious and pleasant.This may not be the place to vent but I need to get it out! So please bare with me. I was briefed that I would be working in the plus size section and told I would be working with Star Jones. My exact words to her were Good Afternoon Ms. Jones Welcome to sak's fifth avenue. My name is "Kick Me" I will be your associate this afternoon, Her astonishing response? Why wasn't a sister helping her? She turned to my supervisors and asked that a woman of color assist her and complained that she feels minorities are overlooked when working with stars.(She calls herself a star hah)I must've turned green. I practically broke down in tears and ran.That moment has been the talk of the store for months now.Everyone always saying how badly they feel for me. I say feel bad for her because she has to live with that chip on her shoulder.

But they would make stunning babies...

"There was no mistaking Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's message to the world at a Las Vegas awards ceremony: "We are not together."

The pair were photographed giving each other a wide berth at US's ShoWest awards, where they were promoting their movie Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Brad, who has recently split from Jennifer Aniston, has been dogged by rumours that he is romancing screen beauty Angelina.
But he quelled any further speculation by keeping the Tomb Raider star at a safe distance, refusing to get any closer to the actress for photographs.

He posed with his hand in his pocket, while Angelina held her arms behind her back."

Listen, a quick note to Brad and Angelina- If you want to make a DistressedJeans sandwich, call me. I'll be more than happy to stand in between you as your own personal buffer and so much more. For a list of services and a price list, please call me.

Selma does the Wiz

Selma Blair tries unsuccessfully to bring Wizard of Oz Chic to Hollywood. She left her white blouse and socks at home, opting instead for strappy black sandals. She left Toto in Munchkinland with Verne "mini me" Troyer. You will notice she is minus a picnic basket and ruby slippers, which the outfit doesn't work without. I prefer my blue gingham served up with a giant bow in my pigtails but that's just me. I never thought the "Dorothy" look would resurface but I'm proved wrong once again by Selma "dead eyes" Blair.

Let's hope she can talk Nicole Richie into appearing as Glinda, and we all know Brit's in line to play the evil green witch with the big wart on the end of her nose. "There's nothing like couture"- click your heels three times Selma and you will suddenly be wrapped in Chanel, laying in an opium filled field of poppies with Paula "incoherent ramblings" Abdul.

I thought they agreed not to have a 90210 reunion, no matter how unofficial? Here is our favorite gang from the bowels of Beverly Hills kicking up their Jimmy Choos at an awards ceremony. Donna Martin's boobs are still malformed and Dylan still hasn't called the guy who did Ben Affleck's hair plugs. Brandon, whatever. And Kelly has the "I cannot believe I'm here" smirk.

But back to Donna. After lapsing into a coma in a Mystic Tan booth, she awoke to find her skin was two shades lighter than her dress. Dylan and Brandon called each other to make sure the plan was still on to wear blue oxford shirts. And I think Kelly is trying to figure out how to get to the Peach Pit and find Steve and his always imitated, never duplicated afro-mullet. Gosh, I miss that show.

Friday, March 18

Pair Uh Dice

Sweatsedo, the California clothing company behind the PIMP emblazoned sweatsuit Kevin Federline wore on his wedding day, has sold every last pure white outfit, reports Mtv. Company founder Rich Kunkel jokes, "Now if he'd only wear his hat on straight, we could hire him as a model." (that's the only thing he would have to change?) Dancer (I hope that term is used loosely considering the only dancing Kev does is between the Playstation and the beer- on- tap) Federline recently announced plans to launch his own clothing line, called Pair A Dice. Awesome! Now maybe I can get my own velour tracksuit with Pimpette written on the back!

I'll be standing in line for the debut of his clothing line, licking my lips in anticipation of K. Fed walking down the runway, strutting in his extra baggy pants and puffy, unlaced white shoes with his scruffy psuedo- beard roughing up his pretty boy looks. Do you think the corn rows will hold up until then? Not since Coolio have I found such a sexy hairstyle on a guy and that includes the five thousand dollar golden comb-over of Mr. Money Bags, Donald Trump.

Britney is sooooo lucky. It's like she found her pot of gold (heavy on the pot) at the end of her Fresno rainbow. K. Fed, such a gem! He is a blackened diamond in the rough but with Brit's help, Kevvie is turning over a new (ahem!) leaf. No longer is he a poor, scruffy, scrappy, kid wearing yesterdays underpants and sleeping in his own vomit. No, now he is a very wealthy, scruffy, scrappy kid wearing yesterdays underpants, add a trucker cap and braids, sleeping in sheets that need to be changed in a mansion with a pop-star and three pooping dogs, on the brink of success with an upcoming album and clothing line.

When can I introduce my own clothing line? Oh, I need to hitch my star to a singer and ride those coat-tails for all I can. Brit, are you looking for a new BFF?

Paula Abdul could soon be sitting on the other side of the judge's bench, mumbling and falling asleep as she tries to defend her poor driving skills. Prosecutors in Los Angeles are considering bringing criminal charges against the American Idol judge for an alleged hit-and-run freeway accident last December.

A Mercedes-Benz belonging to Abdul clipped another vehicle on the 101 Freeway in the San Fernando Valley. There were no injuries. The driver and passenger in the clipped car took down the Mercedes' license plate number and photographed it with a cell phone camera. Gotcha, Abdul! That will teach you to drive and take handfuls of prescriptions meds.

Celebrity Justice reports that the driver of the other car called the California Highway Patrol and the CHP contacted Abdul - who said her car was in the shop on the day in question. How convenient! Was she seriously coherent enough to know what the call was about?

But both the CHP and CJ learned that the car went in for service the day after the alleged incident. Hmmmm. I smell a giant coverup.

The Cold Hearted Snake is out of the country and not available for comment, said her publicist. Reports say that Abdul is in Malaysia. Where else would she be getting her hideous jewelry and opium from?

Lindsay is wearing a J. Lo Sweetface snow leopard fur coat. Where are those PETA freaks when you need them?

Don't worry, her ankle is better and Grandpa Bruce flew in to wrap it securely in an ace bandage and remind Lindsay that he ran with a pointy shard of glass in his bare foot during the entire filming of Die Hard. With an uplifting pep-talk from her father figure, Lindsay was able to make it to work like a real trooper. The crew applauded her entrance to the set, offering her a cane fashioned out of Bud Light cans so she could trot in her high heels without another mishap. Call Cameron Diaz for tips on what not to do during a fall.

Bye SJP, no longer a GAP girl

Joss Stone Is New 'Gap' Girl

"Recording artist Joss Stone has been selected as the new girl-of-the-moment for the Gap.

The blonde, soulful Brit will replace Sarah Jessica Parker in the long-running advertising campaign, the company said. Stone's ads are now in production and will be used in the Gap's Summer 2005 series.

The first ads featuring Stone should air by the end of April."

Nicole is going bald but finds a friend in Selma

When Celebs break up. Do not cry for Paris. For she has Paris. And Simon Rex and Fred Durst and her sister to keep her company along with her pink My Pretty Pony bedroom set and a blanket of hundred dollar bills and a tree in her backyard which produces five hundred dollar bill blossoms.

So what if Nicole is cheating with Selma Blair? Listen, Nicole is getting married! She has to grow up and stop saying, "That's HOT". There comes a time we have to expand our vocabulary, stop partying and cease taking nudie photos with our cell phones. Nicole turns to the more mature Selma Blair who has dead eyes and a wooden voice but can talk about more heavy subjects than clothes and boys and blow and Hilton hotels.

Selma is married and an accomplished actress (did you see her performance in Hellboy?) and can give Nicole stability in a friendship. In this photo, they are comparing earrings, oversized sunglasses, big purses and flat chests. And whispering about the effects of Colon Blow to keep the extra poundage off. That was a hot tip which took root in Manhattan from an Olsen twin, making it's way through the Palm Beach crowd and traveling up to Los Angeles where laxatives and non-fat lattes are as common as GAP sweater vests on a Chihuahua.

Kate, how about a jumbo Otis Spunkmeyer muffin and some whole milk?

Would someone please introduce Kate Bosworth to the Pastapalooza at Olive Garden? Let her know the breadsticks are bottomless and the Italian Wedding soup is divine. And then maybe we can flash a PSA about the dangers of smoking and introduce her to the same group therapy Mary Kate is attending.

But do not let her near Kirstie Alley. I hear Kirstie is really hungry after being on that Jenny Craig diet and might be tempted to gnaw on Kate's skinny arms and legs, sucking the flesh from the bone, confusing her with a basket of lean chicken from Popeyes.

Buh-donk-a-donk

This might explain why Britney doesn't care to bathe or shower, instead letting a filmy green mold snake its way up her skin and into her brain where she has become convinced K. Fed could - and will- be the next Will Smith /Puffy Combs hybrid. Even with the corn rows and baggy clothes he can't fool the public- he's still white.

Casting for 'Wicked' -- or at least, casting ideas -- is brewing. I hear BRITNEY SPEARS has expressed interest in starring as the green witch. "She is obsessed with the musical," a source says. "She listens to the CD all the time in her car. She bought 10 copies of the CD at a mall to give as gifts."

Thursday, March 17

Will you be checking in this evening?

Thank goodness the pajamas are left at home today!Michael had time to dress up in a three piece suit complete with waist chain, arm band and full face makeup although I think today he went with a pale pink lip rather than a coral.

And green for St. Patricks day although he is probably as Irish as a Lucky Charm. My question is this: why is he dressed as the interior of a hotel with brocade drapes and a burgundy couch, along with a dark green carpet and gold accents? My guess is he just loves the Marriott and has replicated the color scheme through his choice of clothing.

"Hey! Wanna kiss my monkey? And by monkey, I don't mean this guy on my arm. And by kiss, I don't mean lip action. I think you know exactly what I mean. Do you see the monkey trying to cop a feel? He is touching my implant. So cute! The top hat was my idea. So, let's go make some crazy monkey love and I'm up for a threesome if you want the little guy to join in. Nothing is off limits. Except using my photo on a Las Vegas billboard. That's kind of twisted."

A man and his lipliner

Who would purposely put a cleft in their chin? It looks like a staple. Maybe it is. Holding up a flap of skin. Is it true Michael had his cheek bones taken out, sanded down, then replaced into his face while his cheeks were liposuctioned and his chin was sculpted out of plaster?

I spot MAC Spice lipliner and I see Michael has gone with a cheerful coral hue for his lips with a complimentary tawny contouring powder on his cheeks along with a clip-on pointy nose and his signature Raquel Welch wig. I detect the slight arch of a waxed eye brow.

Well, no wonder he showed up in his pajamas the other day. Cosmetic application takes time! You don't just roll out of bed looking that...strange. The proper blending of foundation can take several minutes not to mention the liquid eye liner and mascara! What's going to happen if he goes to jail and isn't allowed to bring his trunk full of cosmetics? Stop laughing! This is serious. My idea is to smash berries for lipstick and use paprika to color the cheeks. I hope he signs up for kitchen duty, he can eat and create home-made cosmetics while dodging the advances of the other inmates, very tricky but Martha insists it can be done.

Here are the Simpson girls out on the town. I hope it's being taped for MTV, did their dad finesse a deal to make more money?

Jess, I have to give you a dose of tough love and ask that you refrain from draining your Clarins self-tanner in one use. You have the orange glow of an alien. And I know aliens glow orange because I met one in southern Calfornia. She was a singer and she too had a pumpkin tinge to her skin and told me she was from a far away place I could only guess was- yes, Uranus. Or Kentucky. I don't recall. Maybe it was Lousiana?

Jessica and Ashlee went shopping and overheard in the dressing room was this:

Ashlee: (whining) "Does my butt look big in these pants? Damn, I should have never gone to Britney Spears hairdresser and had those extensions put on! They look awful, don't they? Gah! What was I thinking? If I wasn't so worried about people comparing me to you I could go back to blonde. If only I wasn't trying to piss off dad by dying my hair black and getting those tattoos! Ugh."

Jessica: (chewing gum) "Do you think daddy will like this top?"

Ashlee: (big sigh) "Who cares? Did you know dad caught me and Ryan doing it on the bus?"

Jessica: (baby voice) "Doing wha-? Awwwww! Poor daddy! Was he okay?"

And then this went on until they left the shop, blah blah blah. Then my shopkeeper-spy had nothing left to report.

I wish I had been there. I would have complimented Jess on her new haircut and given her a tip about rolling up her pants- don't. The rolled up jeans- with- boots look is so over. And white boots at that? No. I don't care if they are Jimmy Choo or Sigerson Morrison or Gucci. And hello! It's not Memorial Day yet, no white footwear- right fashionistas?

And Ashlee. The last time I ran into her we were at a club in Los Angeles and she was wearing a tutu and hightop sneakers with a black tuxedo jacket. I was laughing (not at her but admittedly her outfit was rather funny) and she pushed me. Spunky one, that Ashlee. She wasn't too happy when I "accidentally" tripped her on the way to the bathroom. Oops. But as I helped her up, my ring got tangled in her rats nest and I got a nice chunk of fake hair that I sold on ebay which paid for my new LV bag.

Xtina Ag-oo-lera

The many looks of Christina. Okay, really it's two looks. One features a hard-edged Christina with Shirley Temple sausage curls and eyes as black as Ashlee Simpson's hair. Bright pink baby doll Harijuku cheeks and frosty pink lipstick. I need to point out the bleach and hot styling tools will cause Miss A's hair to fall out in clumps and by time she is married, she will be forced into a Star Jones wig from the Caucasian Collection. Lip rating: pout.

The second look is haphazardly placed bobby pins exposing a shrinking hair line with the same red lipstick Michael Jackson has been painting his freaky lips with. I metioned it before, Cherries in the Snow by Revlon, top coat of gloss by MAC. Still in black, Christina vamped up the cheeks a bit with a heavier handed application of blush. Her skin is as white as my pure silk sheets, obviously she has not hung out with Paris Hilton in the tanning bed lately. Lip rating: sneer

I wonder which Xtina will go for on her wedding day: overly made up with white lips and hideously dark eyeliner or Cherries in the Snow with white hair pinned back showing scalp? Possible lip rating: pucker

Thoughts?

Maids life is the Pitts!

Soooo why is Jennifer Aniston vacuuming the Shabby Chic showroom?

FYI, Angelina fills out her french maid outfit much better than Jen. When Angie wears hers, the top overflows with bosomy goodness and the bottom is snug.

See what Brad is missing out on? Jen in costume complete with a hair-band and ruffled white apron. I don't know if he enjoys being spanked with a feather duster or not but I know Angelina prefers a horse hair whip. My sources tell me Jen never touches cleaning supplies let alone dresses up as someone who would hold a duster and housekeeping utensils. Ugh! The shame! Unless Prada has come out with a new line of rubber gloves.

Recent news: "She (Jen) loves being a star and wants to become a movie mogul, someone who makes millions of dollars and shapes what Hollywood will become," they (Jennifer's relatives)revealed.

"Brad has made no secret of his desire to settle down, even confessing that he's ready to become a father. He thinks they have all the money anyone could ever need and wants to begin enjoying it."

Jen's spokesman, Stephen Huvane, put out any faint glimmer of hope by saying, "Their original statement announcing their separation still holds true. Nothing has changed with Jen and Brad. They're still separated. These are made-up stories and Jennifer doesn't feel the need to engage in the toxic practice of correcting no-stop lies."

Yeah people. Let's stop the toxic lie spreading! Soooo does that mean she doesn't want to be a Hollywood box-office money maker and she rather not focus on her career? And by "shaping Hollywood", does that translate into playing Rachel Green in various movies? Because Ive already seen the Rachel character in Bruce Almighty and Along Came Polly.

Wednesday, March 16

You are not Forever 21...

Loni Anderson doesn't look half bad for a woman who qualifies for a seniors discount at Dennys. Hey free coffee should never be laughed at. However, I must point out that "Forever 21" is just the name of a store and it shouldn't be taken so literally. You can't possibly dress like your twenty one year old daughter when Jergens lotion, Depends and rolls of Tums are found under your bathroom sink.

Loni darling, with your boobs up to your clavicle and your wrinkled knees exposed, along with your heavily pancaked face, you resemble a female impersonator I once saw at a Las Vegas review of "La Cage Aux Folles" at the Riviera.

We spoke before (archives) about Loni's airtight skin pulled over the heels of French bread passing as cheekbones and her wiggish hair set in place with a industrial size bottle of Aqua Net. Loni, it is not a crime to dress your age which would entail a neckline higher than your melons and a dress lower than your saggy knees. Help yourself to a full sleeve. I always recommend a hairstyle that can blow in the wind rather than act as a helmut. All that aside, I can't believe you actually kissed Burt Reynolds liverwurst lips..blechhh!

Kirsten Loves Porn!

"The Spider-Man star burst into tears when cops threatened to arrest her after ordering her out of a car and finding porn in the back - but it was all a matter of revenge by prankster Ashton Kutcher...

According to IMDB, the 22-year-old actress was a little squiffy when police pulled over the car her friend was driving on suspicion of drink driving.

Her friends, who were both in on the joke, had been drinking water disguised as vodka all night.
One of them "accidently" reversed their car straight into the patrol car, leading to a threat of all three of them being arrested.

At this point Kirsten sobbed: "She isn't drunk she is just nervous."

The fake cops then found a sex tape in the car - to which Kirsten then objects angrily: "What? Is it a crime to own a porno now?"

The master of pranks, Ashton Kutcher, then arrived on the scene, letting Kirsten in on the joke set up for his TV show Punk'd. He then went on to reveal why he picked Kirsten: "About four years ago, I met her out at a karaoke place and asked her out on a date. And she never called me back.

"Not calling a guy back when he calls you is not cool. You should call him back... revenge is a bitch."

Lindsay twists her ankle and the whole world waits...

Oh oh oh! Poor Lindsay Lohan! Drunk with Bruce Willis love, she falls down in the street and gets help up from a woman in a funky green leather jacket and ugly blue shoes while a woman in tweed busts a gut from laughing.

I suppose we can gather from this fall that Lindsay is "suffering from exhaustion". Maybe she has "the flu". Perhaps we can surmise la Lohan is "dehydrated". Or that she is suffering from "personal issues". Do you think maybe she is "tired from working ninety hours a week".

My friend Sassy, who is working on the film, told me Lohan had a hard time walking in heels. That's like having a hard time breathing because of your bra. Let me put it in simple terms: Heels are to Lindsay like a cell phone is to Paris. Heels are to Linds like Cheetos are to Britney. I think at her age, she must know how to walk in shoes. Sassy informed me that Li Lo was whisked away to the hospital in a Mercedes Maybach Ambulence created just for Lindsay's hospital runs. Does she have her own hospital bed at this point, a Craftmatic with her name engraved on the headboard and a solid gold bedpan along with her own Gucci inspired hospital gown?

Honestly, we all know what's going on here. She's been partying till early morning, smoking too many cigarettes and sucking back a few too many cocktails, heavy on the cock. Lindsay, sweetness, take a break from the crazy nightlife. And please don't tell us you are "exhausted with the flu". We're smarter than that. Get well- Gramps Willis needs you to be strong!

Tuesday, March 15

Whew, that was totally close. My cornea is bleeding..

OMG! Cooch alert! Avert your eyes! Abort viewing! Abort! Abort! Holy shizzle, I almost had to burn my computer. Thank you for not flashing us your overused private parts, Paris. Golly gee that was a scare. Worse than the time I saw Rosie O'Donnell with an asymmetrical haircut at the mall wearing Chuck Taylor high-tops, a purple tunic and a beret. After that incident, I had to wear special glasses and take Valium before I went shopping.

I think there might be a certain way to get into the car in a short skirt/dress safeguarding your peepee from public viewing. You clamp your legs together- c'mon, Paris, you can do it- and sort of swing yourself into the seat. Uh, is that the bottom of a boot in her face? Yeah, fabulous, you block her pouty mug but we can still detect crabs and venereal lesions. Excuse me while I call my life coach and massage therapist for help. I'm going to need a heavy dose of meditation and medication to erase that picture from my brain not to mention a few shots of Wild Turkey with a tequila chaser and a heavy, drug induced sleep.

Y'all! I just wanna like, make out with Kev!

Britney, you are so good with words. I think the word best to describe you is "articulate" and by golly, you are. And I know exactly what you mean when you were interviewed in Allure. I too have to send my personal assistant out for soy milk and toaster strudels and she, like, never gets it right. By the way, y'all look smashing in Kevvie's shirt in that photo. And he doesn't mind if BitBit takes a dump inside the pocket or pees right down the front of it? Yep, Cletus is a keeper.

In Allure magazine Britney says: "Like omigod, I have to tell the maid to buy diapers and get the pool boy to walk the dog? Can't I just make out with Kevin all the time?" she told the magazine. "Being married sucks."

Brit, you and I? Two peas in a Cheeto encrusted pod. And don't you hate it when your stylist brings you donkey tail extensions instead the silken tresses of Chinese virgins who sacrifice their locks for your good looks? Omigod, I hate that too!

When I make my gardener go outside and trim the grass with a pair of nail scissors and pick up dog poop with a pair of tweezers, it takes him like, forever. Duh! Can't I just sit and watch the E! channel and order my minions around to do my errands while I make out with my boyfriend?

Monday, March 14

Peasant Chic

Awwww. Molly Sims is wearing the Peasant Chic collection. Love it, hon! Listen, when a supermodel like Molly can just be herself and dress like the girl who sells roses out of a basket at the entrance to the Stone Pony (or was it the Hunkabunka Ballroom?) in Asbury Park, NJ then we are talking first class self confidence.

Personally, I couldn't wear a knitted toilet-paper cover on my head, showing off my movie screen of a forehead and limp hair without a lick of makeup on my face, but that's just me. Good for Molly! She can be hot, not hot, relaxed, glam, ugly, pretty, made-up, au natural and I say excellent. A model/actress not afraid to show off what's underneath the easy, breezy beautiful Cover Girl pancake foundation and lipstick!

If you're ever invited to the Federline homestead...

If you are invited over for an afternoon of Playstation2, chain smoking, a Funyon binge and a Mountain Dew bong, I suggest you wear your high-waisted rubber pants and a breathing mask.

Do you think the dogs are trained or is the house decorated with a urine and fecal theme?

Spears' Husband 'Smells' Claims Ex

"Britney Spears ' husband Kevin Federline has severe hygiene problems - according to his ex-girlfriend Amy Woody. Woody, 25, dated Federline six years ago, and was left unimpressed by his body odor. She says, "He wouldn't shower or brush his teeth at all so he'd stink. He didn't care. When we used to go Vegas, he would gamble for two days without sleeping then he'd catch some shut-eye for a few hours then go back to the casino." A friend of Federline's most recent ex, Shar Jackson , who is mother to his two kids Kaleb and Kori, adds, "Kevin would go for days without taking a shower or bath. It was gross." Federline's wife of six months hit the headlines in December when airline passengers complained about her smelly feet."

I hear the Federline's set out bowls of Frito-scented potpourri, but that may very well be pure conjecture. Does Glade come in Red Bull fragrance?

I couldn't help but overhear...

I couldn't help but overhear this conversation the other night. And also I couldn't help but notice Ashton's pocket chain. So ghetto of him! He's cute but that white shirt washes out his skin tone. making him look a bit pasty. Next time I run into him, I'll be sure to let him know that we fashionistas say bangs on grown men are a big No No.

Ashton: "Bwha ha ha ha ha! Check it out, Lindsay Hohan with Bruce! Demi, isnt that a riot? Old man scores! Duuuude! This is even better than Punk'd!"

Demi: "Uhhh. Yeah. Hey, shmoopie woopie, that's kind of gross considering our own daughter is almost eighteen. That's like Bruce dating one of Rumer's friends. I don't find it very amusing that Lindsay is going to be subject to Bruce's beer gut and flacid biceps. Poor kid. She'll need therapy after that. Or Kabbalah. I'll send her an evil eye bracelet and an invite to the next Kabbalah meeting."

Ashton: "We could totally pretend to get Bruce arrested for dating her! Damn, wish I had my Punk'd crew here! This shit can't be made up. Maybe I'll have to do another season of Punk'd just so I can set that up. Dude, the Kutch lives on!"

Sunday, March 13

Debra Breasting

Judging by the look on her face, she knows she has made a fashion booboo. Debra Messing may have wanted to show off her postbreast-feeding milk laden jugs, but is that any reason to not wear a camisole under a see- thru shirt? I dont know, maybe it was a hot night and she couldn't be bothered with a garment under her tunic. Perhaps her stylist was on vacation. Maybe she was tired of covering up on Will & Grace and wanted to let a little something hang out.

What this photo doesn't show is the gargantuan sleeves, hanging down past her hands. Debra, you get a big fashion thumbs down from moi. Because the only boobies I want to see are Angelina's.

Paris Hilton sums it up with this comment, "That is like not HOT. Debra, you are not hot and that shirt is so not hot, its cold. Like, is that a beach cover up or a shirt? Let me look in my mirror- Im hot. Are you wearing lingerie? Do you want to borrow like, an undershirt? Are you trying to be sexy, because...ummm, you're not."

Blind item

Who could they be talking about here?

A blind item in Australia's NW magazine asks, "This teen queen secretly checked herself in for an extreme makeover recently, splurging an amazing $24,000 on liposuction. The American actress was said to be unhappy with her curvy body and was determiend to get a leaner look."

Hmmmm. I haven't a clue who it could be. Any guesses?

Didn't I already point this out?

Didn't I say in my previous post that Michael was wearing a wig? That hair is too thick and too black and straight to be his own. Plus look at his hairline! It begins mid-forehead. Oh Pajama. You were actually okay back in your Thriller days. Surely your childhood wasn't bad enough to turn you into a freaky middle- aged wig wearing pedofile with a nose that is held up by Scotch tape.

Jackson Accused Of Wearing A Wig

"A selection of top hairdressers are convinced Michael Jackson is wearing a wig to his child molestation trial. The Bad singer's dash to court in his pyjamas on Thursday (11MAR05) from his hospital bed has led to speculation he is suffering from baldness - because his hair appeared to be in perfect condition.

London hairdresser Feleny Georghiou says, "The big giveaway is at the top of the forehead where you can quite clearly see where the hair has been sewn in. When he turned up in court from his hospital bed on Thursday his hair was just too perfect to be his own. It was pristine. Only hair from a wig falls in that way."

Meanwhile, New York hair stylist Mario Carrasco adds, "The wind was blowing, and his hair was moving, but just the outer layer. Human hair would open up and fly all over the place."

Clumsy Cammy

This photo is Cameron, after her accident. You know the one- where she entered into her gigantic, five hundred square foot closet and couldn't find a spot to stow her camping equipment. So she piled boxes and chairs on top of each other and scaled to the top of her Pottery Barn dresser, loading the tent and backpack on the tippy top of her Christmas ornaments and surfboard. And then, yelping for Justin, she crashed to the ground, hitting her head on the distressed pine furniture that obstucted her fall.

The next thing she knew, Cam was fluttering her haggard eyes open in the ER, bleeding profusely from her head onto Justin's Abercrombie tee shirt and Sean John pants.

I'm a little shocked. Doesn't she have wall to wall- triple- looped- sateen carpet in that closet with a layering of quadruple padding? And she must have a spare room, couldn't the camping gear go there? Or in a garage? A shed? A hall closet? I wonder if there's a big grisly bloodstain now. And maybe Justin can draw a chalk outline of where the accident took place.

Britney tells me that Cam is ungainly and uncoordinated. I think what she said was, "Cameron is like, sooooooo clumsy, y'all. Me n' Kev, we laff until Red Bull come outta our noses when we talk about her."

Vintage Dress Barn!

Like, oh my gah! Jessica! I had the exact same dress back in ninth grade. I bought it at the Dress Barn and wore mine with black granny boots and a Jordache purse with a feather clipped to it while carrying my Trapper Keeper! That is wild. Well, fashionistas do say that everything that goes out of style comes back again so if you are wearing a "vintage" dress from 1986, it must be back "in".

I think what would really pull it together for you is if you gathered your hair in a banana clip and wore wedgie sandals and spritzed some Love's Baby Soft on yourself (rather than your Duncan Hines fragrances collection). You could add some black rubber bracelets and a crucifix, tease your bangs and spray with a heavy dose of Aqua Net, wear Bonne Bell Lips Smackers and tote around an issue of Tiger Beat. Then we could practically be twins! Don't forget your Ray-bans and Donnie & Marie backpack. Call me, Jess!

Hitting for both teams!

Darling, no need to ponder your love for me! I recently had a pubic landscaper design my bikini line in a topiary just for you. I'm waiting, wrapped in silk sheets and a Cosabella thong! Sure, bring Maddox and he can play with my dog, Anna Wintour while you and I relax over a bottle of Merlot in my hot tub. If you want to invite Brad Pitt to join us, that would be fine too.

I read the interview from that British magazine where you state you are an equal opportunity lover. Excellent! Free love if you have a cooch or a penis. Awesome, Angelina. You are truly a humanitarian in every sense of the word.

Now there is no reason why you and I couldn't be the best of friends. I do require dinner first, however. But no carbs because they make me gassy and that could really interrupt the mood. Let's travel to Cambodia together and sleep under the stars in a tent made of pashmina and sleeping bags fashioned out of satin!

I don't mean to be a prude but I'm not cool with you sucking my blood (remember Kirsten Dunst and her vampire teeth? That really hurt!) or making me sleep on your bed of nails, nor do I want to wear a vial of bat droppings around my neck or participate in a three way with Billy Bob. Other than that, why don't you meet me at LAX where we can have a quick mojito and fly off to Kenya where we can dance under a canopy stars with wild animals while wearing matching leopard print loin cloths?

Saturday, March 12

Calista Flockwrinkle

When Ally McMeal was on television I thought Calista was adorable! I found her quirkiness refreshing and her skinny body was what I strived for. I skipped meals, gave myself hourly enemas, ran ten miles a day and ate only iceberg lettuce allowing myself to only sniff real food. I pretended I was her in my teeny mini skirts except my legs never looked like two pencils in heels.

Fast forward until she started dating Harrison Ford and adopted a baby boy and she actually gained an ounce and I still thought she was cute with her limp hair and baggy pants. And now, I stumbled upon this photo- I think its from Awful Plastic Surgery.com- and wow. Has she aged or has viewing too many Tara Reid photos burned my corneas and skewed my vision? Aging is natural, wrinkles are fine and so on, but this just proves that being too skinny will wreck havoc on your face creating shadowed, sunken eyes and strange wrinkles on your cheeks.

Heidi Klum -pregnant?

If you haven't heard, here's a piece of gossip to kick off your weekend. Heidi Klum and Seal are expected to announce her pregnancy next week on a German television show. Awwwww. I love these two together. Seal cares for her daughter Leni as if she were his own, and every time I see Heidi and Seal together, they appear to be so in love, it makes me all teary-eyed and I begin to long for a box of Godiva and a rental of Sleepless in Seattle.

In the photo we can spot a pregnancy bump above her belt. Also rumored to be pregnant is Jennifer Lopez, Reese Witherspoon and Demi Moore. A sure sign of the end of the world is when Star Jones announces she's with child. That is when I will claw out a bomb shelter with my bare hands and hole up there with several bottles of wine and a stack of InTouch magazines. Stay tuned!

Friday, March 11

Britney speaks...

Hi Y'all!

Me and Bitbit, we's going shoppin out in Los Angeles. Its so good to be home y'all. Kev's been playin Playstation and doing real fine. He's got some modeling jobs lined up and that rap album comin out. Y'all, I was so happy I could give him some street cred by producin' the album with him. He's so talented. He's gunna be big. Like bigger than a Backstreet Boy. Yunh huh. Well, me and mah dog, we went out and I carried my big ol' pumpkin purse. Its real cute, aint it? Y'all like mah hair? I got some extensions done too. It's real long now. I pulled it back in a Scrunchy, ain't it like, so cute?

I pulled mah shorts outta my closet, thems the ones I wore last year all the time. Kev calls the shorts mah "cooterfunk" shorts cuz I never wash 'em. Aint it funny? And course I still got that foot fungus. Can't imagine where I got that from. I gots to wear flip flops all the time. Y'all like the pockets hangin' outta mah shorts- front and back? Cute, huh? I like real short shorts, so I can show off mah thighs. Kev loves that. And mah shirt? Yeah, its new. I bought it and Kev's all, "What the -? Baby, you aint a real wife till you have somma mah chillins." And I's like, "But Kevvie, we's trying!"

Well, y'all know marriage is such hard work but we's doing good. Real good. But then girls, I so lucky to have mah own little thug like Kev. He's as greasy as some finger lickin' chicken and I like it.

Now is mah moment of truth. Y'all. I feel really bad about Cameron Diaz. Poor girl fell from her dresser while she's in her closet. Yup. Real dumb, aint it? Why is she climbing up thar? Dont she got an assistant to do that? Anyways, y'all, when I heard the new, well, me and Kev couldn't stop laughin'! Bahahahahaha! Seriously, we felt real bad fer her. Yeah we did. Sent over a case a Red Bull and some Spongebob band-aids. But y'all. Really. Fell off her dresser? Hee hee. Sorry. I ain't mean-spirited but you know, Justin was supposed to be mine. We's talking all the time and it makes Cam real fired up. But I hope she's okay. She better not climb the furniture y'all. Didnt she just break her nose surfing and hurt her arm doin' somethin' else? Wow, y'all. She's real clumsy. Ain't she? Maybe she'll git hit by a car next. I mean, Im not tryin' to be mean and all but ya never know.

Well, y'all, I gotta git dinner fer me and Kev. We's gonna git us some Papa Johns pizza with a side of fried chicken and Dilly bars from Dairy Queen. Then we's gonna rent "Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle." See y'all soon!

How romantic! Anytime a woman can get her husband to wear a floral headpiece is very sweet. Let's take a guess at who wears the pants in that family. What a lovely wedding photo of Brigitte Nielson and her young hubby as long as you don't focus on the fact that he is wearing a white Speedo and his legs are spread. And her arms are longer than his. And she is bigger than him. And her hair is shorter.

How is she going to explain this to Flava Flav? They made such a nice couple. His gold teeth and Viking hat accentuated her enormous breasts, butch hair and linebacker shoulders. Plus the fact that she is 6'2 and he is 5'1 made the coupling rather interesting. The top of his head came up to her nipples which was handy when she breast-fed. Her new husband is also on the short side so we can surmise Brigitte likes petite men. Wasn't Sylvester Stallone small too? Wow look at that sunset.

Breaking gossip!

Poor shy, sensitive Tara! She is suing Sky Las Vegas Condominiums because they are using a photo of her with the caption, "Dear Tara, Come let it all hang out." (as if she doesn't already!)

How dare! And they just had to use the photo from when her dress slipped off her shoulder and displayed her implant while she was totally high, I mean she was oblivious to the cool draft on her frankenboob. Didn't a virtual stranger have to pull her dress up over the exposed tata? Demure Tara didn't even know her dress had fallen down. Honey, leave the heavy drinking to the boys in Motley Crue and leave the blow to Jessica S.

In the lawsuit, she accuses the developer of "putting her in a false light in the public eye." And what light would that be? The dimly lit lava lamp that casts a glow over her boobs clinging to every tank top she owns? Ohhh, I get it. Those boobs? People, its all smoke and mirrors. She's the David Copperfield of breast exposure! Tara goes on to whimper that the ad has caused her, "mental anguish, embarrassment and suffering."

When I have to see photos of Tara and her maternal cow titties drooping down to her navel, I suffer from mental anguish, embarrassment, and not to mention burning retinas and optic nerve damage that have yet to recover.

MK's Pooch

Awww. Mary Kate has a puppy! How CUTE. She can throw a saddle bag on the dog and let him carry around her mulitiple Starbucks cups and heavy school books. He's going to get a little large but she can still outfit him in doggie designer clothes like mini argyle vests and oversize sunglasses, just like I do with my french bull dog, Anna Wintour!

Diamond studded dog collars, puppy caviar, doggie sushi, flea & tick spa treatments- that pup is going to be treated very well. I don't think the NYC clubs permit animals but rules will be bent for an Olsen twin.

I think it's smart of her to find an animal that will be big enough to give her rides to school (she has a crystal strimmed saddle) yet small enough that he can dwell in her 20,000 square foot apartment without getting in her way!

Dear Diary-

Dear Diary Bitch,

I hated that black and pink sweatshirt thing Paris wore! And his greenish plastic sunglasses- how ugly. NOT HOT. Get him to Dolce & Gabbana stat.

Woke up- silk sheets, four poster My Little Pony bed by Prada, wearing last nights club clothes- crotchless panties and satin Versace dress with Jimmy Choo heels. Applied MAC lipglass in Prrrr. Looked in mirror. I'm HOT. Extensions -still look good but need a root touch up, it's been nine days. Eyes still puffy from last night. Paris is so hot - boyfriend Paris. Me too. Of course. He is richer than me and thats really hot.

Nicole Richie - bitch. She is doing a duet (doo-ett?) with Britney Spears. NOT HOT. Britney has HOT husband even though he smells like onions and beer- needs shower. Nicole- isn't into clubbing and drinking- what else is there to do? Boyfriend is taking up my time w/ her. Want to go shopping at Kitson but can't be seen alone. Lindsay- with that old guy. Tara- with that ugly guy. Nicky- too busy w/ Kevin. Alone- not cool. Or HOT.

Not doing Simple Life again. Call FOX and tell them. Call Feed the Children re: MK. Do not let Fred D. borrow cell phone again. Call Simon Rex . Call Ashlee re: J. and Nick. Will have sex with Nick in bathroom of Viper Club if J. isn't around. Call daddy- need money and black Amex card.

Stare at myself in mirror- HOT. Need eyebrows waxed. Manicure. Pedicure. Meeting with astrologer, life coach and PR girl- not Lizzie G. Meeting with colon hydrotherapy tech. Lunch at the Ivy w/ Pam A. Meeting Paris- love that name- Paris. PARIS. Paris at ten pm- Spider Club. Wear crotchless pants and tube top w/heels- don't forget lipgloss and diamond studded phone (fone).

Bitch, why does everything happen to me? Everyone cares about Nic R. and her weight loss and boyfriend/wedding. Need to pull 24k gold cell phones out of my ass for attention! Need to figure something crazy out. Get pregnant?

Thursday, March 10

Michael Jackson didn't have time to change out of his pajama bottoms but he did take a moment to cover up with a black blazer and slip on some ugly woven sandals and white socks. And he took extra care when applying his pancake makeup and lipstick. Us girls can never go out in public without our cosmetics in place, right chickies? He neglected to comb and gloss his Star Jones wig, but none of us are perfect.

He is in such delicate condition, his bodyguard must gently guide him into the court with a light hand on his arm, he cannot take a single step on his own- you too would have that problem if you had a barbers pole between your legs!

And should the sun dare to shine down on his bleached skin, he will begin to melt like a ball of wax. A very large, black umbrella must shield him from the sun from dusk till dawn and he is too frail to hold it on his own. I feel that a lacy white petticoat and a fringed parasol would be a more fitting wardrobe choice. Let's not forget the sun bonnet and white elbow- length gloves to appeal to the jury's sense of propriety. An improvement over the flannel pajamas.

If Jacko is sent to jail I fear his delicate constitution would not hold up well at all. Those orange jumpsuits are awfully itchy! And the food is too rich in carbs. But I hear the more experienced prisoners are awfully eager to show a little love to the new guys. That will be nice for Michael, to have some human contact and affection from his inmates. It will be just like Neverland minus the carousel and talking animals!

I heart Vicodin

"Oh crap. It's distressedjeans, watching me again! DON'T LOOK. Ahahaha! Just kidding."

Matthew in light of what you have been through, what with your recent drug problems and weight loss, I'm not going to approach you and ask what's really in the 7-up can. But I do kind of want to know what happened to your neck. I think your chin has slipped into the collar of your shirt and I want to know why.

Believe me hon, I know what it's like to have gone from being on a hit tv show to making a movie that took a dump at the theater (The Whole Nine Yards). Honey, I've been there. I too once had designer clothes thrown at me for free, daily massages, manicures, fancy parties, lunches at the Ivy, dinners at Crustacean... and then it all bottoms out and your best friend is a bottle from the pharmacy and the remote to your plasma tv.

Listen Matty, I'd like to set you up with a pal of mine. Cute, very petite with a large noggin and pursed lips. She can share in your trials. You can be there for each other and like, give each other prescription medication enemas to stay skinny and get lattes and lament about what it's like to be hounded by the paparazzi. I'll pass along her number and you two can work something out. Glad to be of help.

Bruce n' Lindsay 4evr

First La Lohan was in a knock down, drag out, mud slinging, cat fight with Hilary Duff over a pre-pubescent, infantile, boy band wannabe singer Aaron Carter. Then recently, we got wind of the heated love triangle between Wilmerama, Ashlee Simpson and Lindsay.

"I hate you Ashlee! I though we were friends! Why did you have to go after my ex-boyfriend! I'm never speaking to you again! I loved him- sob!" and then in a moment of loneliness and rebellion mixed with a Viagra pill on his part, Lindsay let old man Bruce Willis grope her in public, lick her face and pull her pants down so everyone could see her freckled rump and g-string. All the while he was whispering into her ear, "I was in Armegeddon with Ben Affleck. Does that turn you on, baby?" I know, it's disgusting. Take a Pepto Bismal tablet and get back to me so you may continue reading this filthy porn. I wont even get into her licking his bald head. Head as in cranium, you perverts!

After getting sufficiently aroused, Senior Willis took what we can only imagine was a drunken Lindsay back to his room where I doubt he was going to sit her down and give her some fatherly advice and a chaste hug. My legs are crossed and my rectum is clenched just thinking about a flabby, naked Bruce and a nubile Lindsay doing the nasty! Oh my gosh, please excuse me while I vomit. And then early this morning, I received word- now this could be gossip- that Ashlee is dating Lindsay's dad! Oh the nasty, twisted, tangled web of sex and revenge these girls weave! Whats next, Hilary Duff going out for drinks at the Mondrian with Joe Simpson?

Purple Prada Eater

I know. Shhhhh. It's okay, Sarah. It's hard to say goodbye. Shhhhh. Honey, I can't talk to you if you insist on crying. Here, take my silken Chanel tissues and dab your MAC lined eyes. I know it was hard to leave Sex and the City. I know you wanted to take all the props and clothes. But did you have to steal Samantha's bathmat and make it into a coat with gold buttons?

Shhhh. I didn't mean to bring up a sensitive subject. And I know your little boy loves Barney, but you didn't have to dress like a purple dinosaur. Yes. I like purple too. But not purple gloves, fuzzy jacket and oversized bag. And you are wearing a purple shirt too? Wow. Purple underpants and bra? Yes, I do realize those are Charlotte's leather driving gloves. Of course I recognize Carrie's bag!

But honey, brown shoes? Everyone knows when you wear purple, the shoes must be black. There, there. You make an excellent point. You aren't wearing Uggs and in that case, your footwear is fantastic.

The Bosom Diaries

If you were wondering if Anne Hatheway (The Princess Diaries, Ella Enchanted) had breast implants, I think the answer would be a no. I know I have spent many a night laying awake, debating- real? fake? Thank you Anne and your dressmaker for giving us a glimpse of the real deal.

Nice of you to wear a very open dress minus sleeves and side panels. Did you feel a breeze when you put the dress on? Wait, let me check if you're cold...nope.

Maybe you are following in the footsteps of Debbie "Shake Your Muff" Gibson, and are vying for a Playboy pictorial and a dip in the grotto with Hugh Hefner and Robin Leach. And one last question: ever hear of double stick tape? Jennifer "I love to wear snow leopard fur" Lopez swears by it. Check it out.

Wednesday, March 9

Brit gets the snub

You won't believe what I just heard. Christina is telling Britney to kiss her tanorexic bottom. Well, not in so many words. I've heard Christina is leaving Britney and her manpri wearing, puffy white sneakered husband off the wedding guest list! I know it's really heartbreaking so just take a deep breath. Compose yourself. Brit will be okay, y'all. I'm sure she will still send a wedding gift, something along the lines of a lifetime supply of Cheetos.

Justin Timberlake will be at the nuptials since Christina and JT have known each other since their awkward pre-teen Mickey Mouse Club days. And I'm guessing he will bring acne ridden Cameron Diaz as his date although she is pissed with a capital P because Ms. Spears Federline keeps calling Justin. Mmmmm. Does someone have a little residual love for her first boyfriend?

(By the way, does anyone know what lipstick Christina is wearing? I'm looking for the same color. email me! thanks)

Bitchie Clubman

I remember the time I was in South Hampton, at a club called The Conscience Point Inn. I was hanging out with my friends, you know, rappers, dancers, movie stars Lindsay Lohan's dad and Bill Joel, when out of nowhere comes a Mercedes SUV, violently careening into a group of innocent clubbers knocking back Long Island Ice teas and smoking cigs.

This blonde girl was screaming and her Cosabella panties were clearly in a bunch judging by the way she was ranting like an escaped mental patient. Well, fast forward a few years and that raving looney now has her own show.

People, I'm talking about the infamous Lizzie Grubman. I can't say her name without a chill going down my spine. I still recall the shattered glass, blood splatter and people clutching their broken bones in anguish over Lizzie's poor driving skills. Becoming so agitated over having to move her Lizziemobile from the fire zone to a parking spot for peons, she slammed on the gas pedal, not even knowing her car was in reverse! Oops.

And now she comes to us in the form of an MTV reality show (this one, Joe Simpson is not involved in) about pubic relations and I hear she is one big bee-yotch. I'm licking my lips, ready for a catfight. I just a love a notorious New Yorker with a loud mouth and poor driving skills. Now that I have completely recovered from my post-traumatic stress over the whole car accident, I'll be able to watch Lizzie rip the heads off her interns and eat their raw flesh. Yum yum.

Thin Spice

Only weeks after giving birth to her third son, Victoria "Posh Spice" looks thinner than I do. And that's after I spent a week at the spa in Palm Springs drinking nothing but watered down soup and having a daily colonic after my five hour stint in a sauna.

My sources have hinted to me that along with a surgeon to perform the c-section, Victoria also insisted on a plastic surgeon in the ER (not to mention the facialist, manicurist and masseuse). The baby came out, the surgeon went in- figuratively speaking of course. He did an on-the-spot tummy tuck and light liposuction on her upper thighs and hips.

She slipped on a pair of size 0 jeans and went out in public, slyly smiling as everyone wondered how she got so thin, so fast. Well, duh! Ahhh, the secrets of the rich and famous.

SHOUT OUT

I want to give a shout out to the brilliant and stunning editor at Gawker.com! Thank you darling. I nearly fell over onto my manicurist when I heard the news that this blog was mentioned. Did I mention how wonderful Gawker is? And how gorgeous the editor is? And that I love her? Thank you!

Porcine Performer

Those network programming executives have such a great sense of humor. Or else a really uncanny sense of timing. "Supersize Me" was on television opposite Kirstie Alley's new show, "Fat Actress". Coincidence? I think not.

The viewing public had a choice of 1.) watching a corpulent Kirstie plow through box of popsicles and learn she's too riddled with cellulite for television or 2.) witnessing a skinny guy get fat after scarfing down hundreds of McFish sandwiches. What a juxtaposition of programming genius!

Obviously the executives aren't contributing members of the Scientology congregation or else a rerun of "When Animals Mate" would have been shown instead of a fast food documentary, forcing the public to choose between sexy elephants or puffy John Travolta giving Kirstie diet tips.

Big Daddy

What do you think her dad is saying?

"Jessica. Listen. Divorce that guy from the Backstreet Boys and come home, live with me again. What? Ninety Eight Degrees? You can find someone else. You're too young to have kids, sugar. It's not time, I'll tell you when the time is right. Remember I gave you that fertility pin? What about your singing career? You know I love to watch you make those faces when you sing in that baby voice.

Oh, oh, oh- daddy's got an idea, my darlin' . If you get pregnant, we can shop around a tv show about the nine months and show you on air as you get bigger! And then we can have a whole lullaby album debut as you're giving birth and do a live pay- per- view labor and delivery from your hospital bed!

Oh baby! Come over here and give your pa a big ol' smooch. Whats that smell? Jessica, are you wearing frosting on your body again? Or is that your Dessert line? Kiss me on the lips. Yeah, I taste candy corn. Mmmmm. Daddy like."

Tuesday, March 8

A fashion icon for our times

Skinny girls in big, baggy clothes are HOT. The New York Times has heralded Mary Kate a fashion icon, the best dressed, the bomb, a hottie. An anorexic coke hound with a penchant for coffee from Starbucks and a love of all things XXL.

We should all be dressing like her. For example, today I am wearing my boyfriends sweatshirt from Sports Chalet with a pair of Danksin leggings and a knitted scarf with an enormous leather purse, a smattering of costume beads and clip-on earrings from my grandma's jewelry box. I made a point to dart into Rite Aid for oversize geriatric sunglasses, the precise kind the seniors wear at the Boca Raton Retirement home.

And oh, I forgot, the piece de resistance- cowboy boots! For this look to be pulled together successfully, you must remember one piece of important advice: a venti latte from Starbucks will enhance any outfit! Cheers, my dear fashionistas. See you at the clearance bins at Pick N' Save!

Mischa and the man boobs

Mischa and Brandon celebrate their one year anniversary! How cute. Blahhhh. Let's sprinkle them with rose petals and finely pureed cocaine. He's a billionaire so why is his shirt ripped to shreds at the bottom? I'm sure the hanging threads are very hobo chic in his world.

I have to be honest. Brutally honest. You might not be able to read any further so stop here if you can't take it. Okay here goes: if I were hog-tied to my four poster bed and made to chose between K. Fed and Brandon Davis, and it were a matter of life and death... I would have to chose Kev.

Wait! Before your gag reflex kicks in and you run for my 24k gold toilet, listen. Brandon always appears to be high. And drooling. And he has mutton chops. Can't he cut his hair? I see the outline of man boobs. His face is puffy. Wasn't he working at the Imperial Palace as an Elvis (the late years) impersonator?

I'm sorry Mischa! I don't mean to come down so hard on your guy. But come on, tell me, he slobbers when he kisses you, doesn't he? Admit it, girlfriend. And he pouts like a teenage girl. Isn't he happy? Why not? He has more money than an Olsen sister for cripes sake! He seems very sulky. Is he moody? Does he take Prozac? Does he have a split personality?

Mischa, listen up. I hear Chris Klein is available. And in a pinch, Charlie Sheen is there for you, although we know he can't be faithful or free of veneral diseases and is is old enough to be your father, but he doesn't care if you don't. You know what? Give it some time and Ashton Kutcher will be single too. And you know, Wilmerama is always looking for a piece of actress booty. I'm just saying, don't limit yourself. And stay away from the drugs.

Looking a little rough around the edges

At first glance, I was like, "Did Britney go back to being a blonde like I suggested in the email I sent?"

And then I realized it wasn't Brit, but Hilary Duff looking rather haggard and hungover in a pair of oversized sunglasses and a green sweater with messy hair. I even commented to my friend Gwyneth, "Whoa, that Hilary Duff is on a one way trip to Spearsville looking like that!" and we chuckled because you know, Hilary is so not like Britney- yet.

And then I peered a bit closer and was able to recognize the black roots: Courtney Love. Oh well. Wouldn't it have been fun if it was Hilary?

{{{YAWN}}}

I'm sure everyone is aware that Nick Carter was pulled over for drunk driving. He was drunk off his ass, unable to back his car out of a parking lot in Huntington Beach. He failed the sobriety test which encompassed walking in a straight line, singing in tune and doing a grapevine and a running man. I know, crazy.

Martha gets her Get Out of Jail Free card and Nick is booked and has to spend the night in a cold cell with a thin cot and a rusty toilet with a guy named Bernice. I think Nick makes a fine prison bitch, don't you?

I hope he gets out in time for the reunion of the Backstreet Boys where they will (finally!) be back together singing songs from their album, Black & Blue or in Nick's case, Bloated & Boozed. For some reason I don't really care- no offense to Nick but he bores me. Good luck in jail, bro.

What's bronze and red and white all over?

What happened was this: Renee Zellweger waltzed into the day spa, plunked some pennies on the counter and ordered, "Make me bronze!" Of course she was only talking about her jet black tresses, not her skin. No, that remains as white and pure as the driven snow. No color gets on her epidermis, not even a squirt from the Mystic Tan.

The stylist then dyed her hair the exact hue of a 1974 penny and back at home, Renee piled on the rouge and red lipstick until she resembled a puppet. She wore her trademark strapless gown showing off a bony clavicle that could cut through a plate of glass if put to the test. Her painted crimson lips offset the reddish locks.

My panel of experts which includes the famous stylist, Bobby Green and fashion critic Leon Small, say this about Renee's new look:

Bobby: "Ugh! Gag. No sweetcheeks. Pul-eeze. How fast can Louis Licari get his spirit fingers on that mop? She needs to go back to blonde, like yesterday!"

Leon: "Darling! Can you say Buster Brown bangs? Oh no. Oh no no no. The dress? Okay. But the hair? Two thumbs and a pinkie down!"

and Paris Hilton, where did you come from? Did you have a comment to add? "Hey bitch. Take off your top and I'll take your picture with my new cell. Blonde is my color so lay off. Blonde is so hot. I'm hot. Paris is hot. Is bronze like, a color?"

Another Hollywood union broken and battered...

What's next? A split between Kev and Brit? No! I couldn't take the heartache. I've already plowed through an entire bottle of Valium and downed three watermelon martinis to cushion the blow of yet another impending divorce.

Shannon Elizabeth is the actress with the big implants from the movie, American Pie. (this was before Tara got her pendulous udders, now she's the actress with the big, saggy implants) Shannon recently announced she is getting divorced from her scruffy, bandana wearing hubby who favors cornrows with beads as well as ugly box-toed shoes.

Let us count down the severed ties of Hollywoods elite: Chris "I'm really gay" Klein and Katie "droopy eyes" Holmes...Denise Richards and Charlie "can't keep it in his pants" Sheen...Rebecca and John Stamos received their final divorce papers today...Kate and Orlando...Billy Crudup and Mary Louise Parker...so much heartbreak! So many couples uncoupled! Oh please, don't tell me Ashton and Demi are next.

And what about the bomb that forced me into a fetal position for seven days, Jen and Brad? I'm still reeling from the pain. I cannot even sleep at night without my extra large bottle of Tylenol PM and a flute of champagne tucked under my silken pillow.

This angst is just like what I went through when Justin left me for Cameron! I was catatonic for a month. I need a visit to my aroma-therapist and my astrologer plus an extra bottle of Xanax to survive the next month. I think I might even need colonic hydrotherapy to wash the negative ions from my body!

Monday, March 7

Marc is hiding in her dress

Ohhhhh. I thought when you are pregnant, the bump is supposed to be in the front but Jennifer Lopez Noa Judd-almost Affleck- Anthony proves me wrong again! Well, I don't know much about that kind of thing. Obviously there's a lot of bodily growth going on in places you don't expect.

I see she has taken the suede hide of a cow and fashioned it into a sheet which was then turned into a makeshift maternity gown with a single diagnol neckstrap. And with the leftover wood from her bracelets she was able to re-heel her boots. Wait- I just got word that Daniel Day Lewis actor- turned- cobbler was able to apply the pine fixtures to her boots. I didn't even realize they knew each other!

At first glance the dress looks a little billowy for my taste, but upon thinking of the many uses for a voluminious tarp, I believe she may be on to something. A wardrobe change is underneath along with a meatball sandwich and an Orangina. Did I say she was brilliant?

Frankenboobies

Tara, I know you're really smart and everything, but I thought you might want the heads up on this cool device called a "Bra". See hon, it would lift and separate. This item features nifty shoulder straps so you don't develop weakened shoulder muscles, pretty cool huh? That might alleviate that back pain you've been complaining about. It would even disguise the fact that your breasts are landsliding down to your gut.

People are talking. And its mean. They say- ahem- that it looks as though you've been nursing Julia Roberts' twins. Do you want those rumors flying around? I've taken the liberty of sending you the link to a sturdy corset I believe would benefit your girls. I expect to see it on you next time we bump into each other at the Spider Club. Don't even worry about sending a thank you note. You're welcome. And might I add, thank you.

Oh geez. I want the naked, bongo playing Matthew, what happened to him? He was yummy. I don't care for this version. The Penelope-ized Matthew with the khaki Dickies and the construction work appropriate Timberland boots. Somehow the knit cap clashes with the foppish yellow silk scarf and the long navy coat.

He looks like he may have been installing sheetrock when it was time to go out with Penny. He couldn't find his clean, unscuffed shoes and in a pinch for time, he threw on a coat, borrowed a scarf from his girlfriend and headed out, but not before grabbing the little toilet paper roll cover and placing it on his head. She is smiling with smug satifaction that finally she is out with a real man instead of that other guy, uh..what was his name?

A friend of mine recently had the horrific experience of being with Starlet and Gay Al while they got ready for their big night out in honor of Shaquille O'Neal's birthday party. Is there a party these two aren't invited to? I mean, besides mine. And who is footing the bill for her flights coast to coast? If it's E! sadly I will have to boycott the channel. Especially if I learn she is flying first class.

Back to the night of the shindig: As Gal pranced around the hotel room in a silk dressing gown trimmed in ostrich feathers, listening to the strains of Liza Minelli's greatest hits, Starlet took a bath dipping herself in ugly and deep frying her body in a glistening vat of pomposity. She blew dry her wigs wearing little else than a tightly fitting egotistical tunic showing off her ungrateful armpit fat and chubby rude cankles. When Gal sat down at the baby grand piano and belted out, It's Raining Men, Star closed the top on his long fingers, messing his manicure. He cried. Oh, yes he did.

Picking up the latest copy of Vogue, Al licked his fingers and settled in for an hour of reading but soon Star began barking orders and thrust her fat feet in his lap for an impromptu massage, wiggling her sausage toes inches from his face. He shrieked, "I can't believe I have to put up with this for two more years! Burn the pre-nup! I want out!" To which Star snarled, "Close your mouth pretty boy. Mama's gonna take you out tonight. And you know what that means. Now give me a kiss. And pretend you like it."

With tears in his eyes, Gal chose Star's clothes since he is the bigger clotheshorse of the two. Really, the man has decent taste but why he lets her out in public with those hideous necklaces is beyond me. I do believe he hopes she strangles herself with the chain someday. For the party, he chose a celery green chiffon top and silk skirt, and leaving random pins in the skirt as well as a light sprinkling of itching powder in her satin underwear.

He then handed Star her wig for the night along with a pair of false eyelashes and a rabies shot. She has been known to foam at the mouth. My source indicated Gal did her makeup for the night, but I have not had confirmation. I was also told that Star chowed down on a six pound porterhouse and an entire chocolate cake before the limo ride to the soiree. When she arrived at the bash, pieces of steak were stuck in her teeth and chocolate clung to her lips like bad lipstick.
She didn't understand why something kept poking her waist and why she felt so uncomfortable. As Gal watched his wife from across the room, he felt a surge of satisfaction. His plan was in place and it seemed to be working.

Sunday, March 6

Me n' Kev, we's been married five whole munts! Let's see, we gotted married in September, how many is that, y'all? I don't know! I don't have to count, thats what I got Kev for! He's so smart. He can chew Skoal and smoke cigarettes at the same time as putting his pants on. Hands off, y'all. He's mine!

Listen. I got a real hot tip for all you ladies. When you wear a see-thru top like the one I's got on, y'all should wear a real lacey bra underneath so people can see it! And low cut shirts are real cute, like Kev loves it when I wear a low cut shirt. He likes to look at mah boobies. Then he's all, "Shut up, ho. I'm playin' my PlayStation2." and I'm like, "Oh Kev, you is so cute!"

He's coming out with a new rap album, y'all. I was hoping to git BitBit to sing back up on it, how fun! Like, yeah! And y'all, I got to tell you I dyed mah hair 'cuz we's gonna have that baby and mah mama said I can't color mah hair when I'm pregnant. So I's like, well, I'll just dye it brown.
Me and Jamie Lynn, we colored mah hair in the bathroom at the Shell station. Y'all don't worry, I kept mah shoes on this time!

Well, I gots to go now. Me and Kev, we's gettin' fried chicken and tater salad. See y'all later!

Fred Durst has petite genetalia but if you dare to comment on it, he will smack a multi-million dollar lawsuit on you faster than you can say "Small penis".

His self-directed, pornographic, doggie style debut was somehow leaked onto the internet for all of our viewing pleasure or nausea, depending on your stance. Thanks, Fred! You really know how to take the focus off Paris. Now what is she going to do for attention, have another nude videotape find it's way into the world? Done that. Gosh Fred, you're so dang self-centered. Didn't you know that whole sex tape thing was Paris Hilton's modus operandi? What's a girl to do? Now she's going to have to videotape herself giving birth to a two headed lizard for any kind of media coverage! Sheesh! It's all about you isn't it, twinkie boy?

Well, on the upside of this whole debacle, Paris and Fred are glad to do their parts to protect us against hackers and theft. They feel it's their duty for the sake of homeland security to share their stories and warn us of videotaping ourselves and having it "anonymously" released it for public consumption. Gee, thanks guys!

I am so glad Tara clarified her goals in life or else I may have been confused. Remember when she commented on being taken seriously and pleaded for us to understand that she was "like, really, really smart. I want to be known as a great actress and not just a body. I want people to know I'm like, smart. I have a brain. " Well, yes she does and she knows how to use it.

She knows how to order a dirty martini, heavy on the dirty part. In a pinch, she can light a cigarette with a nail file. She knows how to expertly roll up five hundred dollar bills and stick them up her nose. She knows that a public bathroom can be used for sex, passing out or vomiting. See, she really has quite a bottomless pit of intelligence. And every photo taken since that statement has showed her displaying her rather large, heavily swinging, braless intellect. You go girl, show us more of that profound mentality! Especially when you display it via a low cut shirt and half opened eyes.

I was in Brentwood this morning getting my usual grande mocha with extra whipped cream at Starbucks when I caught a glimpse of J. Gar in her green Outback Red sweater. We used to be pretty close email buddies until she took up with bloated, boozy Ben. In fact, it's been months since we last communicated.

So of course, from across the parking lot I called out, "Hey Jen! What's up?" And she glanced up from carrying her cardboard tray of beverages and yelled back, "Hey DJ! I love your blog, I read it everyday!"

And it wasn't until I got into my car and started the engine that I evaluated our conversation and what I think she may have said was, "Hey DJ, I love your jeans." And then as I was driving down the road, pondering her words, I realized what she truly said was, "I need my caffeine!" and upon further examination of our exchange, I came to the conclusion that she wasn't talking to me at all, but calling out to the guy taking her picture. And with this realization, I started feeling really sorry for myself. She doesn't read my blog?

Jen, I hate to keep bothering you but I really must say something for the health of your reproductive organs. See, tight pants are not doing you any favors- ever hear of crotch rot? Ouch, it pinches me just to look at those white pants on you. You go beyond the camel toe. I now call you pig hoof. Honey, your pants are so tight I can read your lips.

And by the expression on your face, you aren't comfortable with it either. Do watertight pants make you hit those high notes a little better? Take off the Sweetface by J.Lo and find a comfy yet fashionable pair of jeans with room to breathe.

I'd like to take a moment to point out that white usually makes you (and me) seem heavier than what us girls really are. And for the love of all creatures, please tell me that is not fur trim on your coat. Didn't you get my email about the snow leopard? I'm still upset over the time you skinned my ferret and made a custom pair of gloves from my Gypsy.

Saturday, March 5

Bustin' Loose

I can't wait to finally get the recipe from Martha on how to make a cinnamon stick lambchop with a edible rose coulee. And now that she is back among the non-prison population, we will all learn how to make a little concoction prison people call "Pruno" which involves toilet water and a plastic bag. Can't wait! But I really want her to share the secret to making a permanent tattoo out of a ball point pen and a spoon.

During these last several months of being a prison bitch to an inmate named "Startilla 'Mama' Jones" our Martha has learned how to smuggle sugar packets in her pants and tuck the crabapples from nearby trees into her bra so she could make late night baked apples in her prison cell. Naughty!

My sources tell me Martha was caught sneaking to the front of the salad bar line more than once, tsk tsk. She did however, redeem herself by leading an aromatherapy yoga session and teaching beauty classes on how to add cloves and nutmeg to perm solution and wrap rollers with won tons.

While in prison, she requested twenty skeins of angora yarn so she could knit herself a poncho (see photo) for her prison release. I for one, am relieved she survived Camp Cupcake! I am certain "Behind Bars: How I Survived The Horrors of Jail Without Making Topiaries, Beeswax Candles or Vanilla Spice Mousse" will be out in less than a year. Anyone for a movie of the week?

The truth is, the only thing that kept her going was that she was safe in the knowledge she hadn't had sex with Fred Durst and Paris Hilton hadn't taken any topless shots of her with that damning Sidekick.

The K. Fed Collection

We all know that Kevin "Cletus" Federspears is coming out with his own clothing line. My inside sources tell me it's going to debut in the fall of 2005, but I was lucky enough to get a sneak peek and wanted to present it to you. Please, keep this under wraps. It's quite a big secret and when Snoopy Dog struts the runway this year, you should act surprised. Bring your cameras and credit cards, you are going to want a heavy dose of K. Fed.

Cletus will be creating a line of low crotched, extra baggy denim pants with a long hemline for folding or ripping. He will produce do rags which I hear he is making out of dirty, used wife beaters. And speaking of wife beaters, would the K. Fed collection be complete without a line of this trailer trash staple- guinea tee's, which will feature silk screened marijuana leaves! Brilliant. His shoe assortment will include fat laces and velcro, both of which will come with directions on how to NOT fasten your shoes. He will be producing the footwear under his "What Up Fresno" brand name. An assortment of gold watches and thick braided necklaces will also be available as well as a cologne (reeking of Cheetos and Red Bull, yum!) and a variety of oversized sweatshirts.

My friends over at St. Martins Press indicate a book is on it's way. The yet untitled novel on how to marry a pop star "without getting off your ass" will be hitting the shelves of Barnes and Noble summer of 2006. I hear negotiations for a film deal are in the works and Corey "I sold my wisdom teeth on ebay" Haim is talking with the casting directors for the starring role.

Amazing isnt it? Just a year ago, Cletus was an unshaven pizza delivery boy by day, smoking pot by night, playing Playstation in between and fathering two kids with a former sitcom actress. Then all of the sudden, he lands Britney Spears and...uh, well not that much has changed but.. KA-CHING!

Friday, March 4

I'd like to add Joan Allens name to those celebs who suffer from NRS. If you recall, in one of my previous posts, I explained the condition being Nancy Regan Syndrome.

When the head of a person is larger than the total mass of their body is the correct definition. It's outlined greatly in the American Medical Journal which I study in my spare time. For some reason, it is quite common amongst those in Hollywood. Paula Abdul suffers from this as does pumpkin noggin, Tori Spelling. I believe Celine Dion might have it too as well as the Olsen twins. Feel free to post other large headed celebs in the comment section.

Tom's new beard

I would like to take a moment and introduce you to Tom Cruise's new "girlfriend". I put the quotes there because I don't for one moment believe that Tom is heterosexual and I don't believe that if he was, he would go for this chick. He "hooked up" with Nic when she was trying to break into show business. He then "hooked up" with Penny when her career was beginning. And now, he is reportedly spending time with this girl who I'm sure we will see more of until her career gets started, and then he will be set up with another starlet. Who knows, maybe it will be me! In that case, I will most certainly dish the dirt on the icy anal probes those scientologists use on their creatures.

Her name is Sofia and please note that she has a camel toe. I strongly doubt she is wearing underwear, thong or otherwise. Besides the faux pas of the camel toe, her implants are swinging quite low. It appears to this experienced eye that she went to the same plastic surgeon as Tara Reid, the doctor who likes implanting big, cow boobies. With that being said, I'd like to add a disclaimer because I don't feel like getting smacked with a lawsuit from the Cruise Law Department at the Scientology Center- I make no statements that are true, only speculation, fiction and gossip.

Pleathern Exposure

Remember that television show, Northern Exposure? And there was that cute actress with the pixie haircut? Well, I present to you Janine Turner, formerly adorable.

In this outfit, we can only surmise she is auditioning for a role in Daredevil 3, Elektra's Botox. I don't know why she chose a shiny, satiny knee length coat to go along with her v-neck half shirt and pleather pants. I can just imagine that somewhere, Jennifer Garner is crying out "Thank God I don't have to do another Elektra movie!" because Janine is willing to take over that role. She's edgy, she's hard core, she's tough, dont mess with her. Her inflatable lips will save her from whatever disaster may befall her. And she is more than willing to don whatever bitchtastic outfit the costume department deems fit.

Janine- let's talk, girl to girl. Did you have a plastic surgeon fill in all the baby wrinkles with a quart of botox because your skin has the sheen of a post botox office visit. Why did you get the implants and puff your lips up to the point that you rival Lisa Rinna for Trout Pout of 2005 (she's won six years in a row but that might change now!) Lining your lips heavily with a crayon doesn't help. I suggest next time at a premiere, follow my lead and head to the Beverly Center where we can find cute outfits and high heels that cry out "Fashionista!" instead of "Botox biker babe!"

Oh! That Jennifer Lopez will stop at nothing! Do you know what she did? Remember Monticore, the white tiger that attacked Siegfried -or was it Roy? Anyway, she skinned him and created a lining for her jacket! YES. I'm not kidding. She then doused herself with Glow, had six dozen lilies sent to herself and made Marc hold up a full length mirror so she could admire her belly button and low slung pants held up by a rhinestone encrusted belt all the while knowing that she is wearing the fur of a rare animal.

Selfish girl! Wheres Pam and her PETA cohorts with their bucket of red paint?

Sonny Crockett is bloated. He has the post 1980's hit tv show inflation going on and it ain't pretty. And his hand looks oddly cartoonish. Someone please send a memo to Senior Johnson that feathered hair, grown over the ears and long in back is not cool. And blazers a la Miami Vice are so over as well. Why not just go for the whole enchilada Don, and add a pastel undershirt and a pair of espadrilles?

He looks a little pudgy around the middle, no? Are those- no they can't be! But yet- I do believe those are! Acid washed jeans? Tapered? Oh, add insult to injury, why don't you! And I might be hallucinating but I think he is sporting the after glow of a Mystic tanning session. Blech.

He may be trying to hide behind the ultra cool shades but I can spot a 'has been' a mile away! Too bad we didn't catch a glimpse of him getting in his Chrysler Le Baron convertable as he sped away. Have no fear my friends, he will be surfacing shortly, most likely in that Love Boat reunion special featuring assorted television stars who should have long retired.

Nipple Covers

What a crazy world this is. Just this afternoon I made a trip to the post office where I was mailing letters and as luck would have it, I was wearing the same exact nipple covers as Anna Nicole! Funny, huh? But I wasn't wearing anything else and in downtown Beverly Hills, that just doesn't fly.

I didnt get nearly the positive attention Anna did. But I did get a trip to the downtown jail where I spent the afternoon in a cell with a hermaphrodite named Butchie with a buzz cut and a tattoo of Tonya Harding on her/his bicep.

Oh, but that Anna Nicole! Such a keen display of self confidence and drug induced spunk, with implants as round and hard as the boulders in my backyard. If you look very closely, you can see the expiration date stamped on her silicone bags.

She is something else. And by something else, I mean- trashy fame whore. But all that aside, I think it was really super of Lil Kim to loan Anna Nicole her top for the day.

Go Back to Blonde

Brit, whats up with the brunette locks? Did Kev encourage you to use Miss Clairol Auburn #4b so that the carpet can match the rug? Surely you didn't pay for that hair color? And the brittle hair extensions, did you buy them in a plastic baggie at Sally Beauty Supply? Get your money back, darling. Please tell me its a wig made from the hair of farm animals and when you take it off, your usual dry yellow locks will appear.

I must comment on the dark maroon lipstick against your pale skin. Ugh! What did I tell you in my last email? Pink shades. Light glosses. No dark hair. Are you trying to look like Ashlee Simpson? You know, getting back at Justin by coloring your hair and applying a thick layer of brick lipstick is not going to work. He's not jealous. Especially when Kevin is called "the poor mans Justin Timberlake". Less of the talent, more of the trash.

And...is that a marijuana leaf on your sweatshirt? Is that really a smart clothing choice for a mother to be? What will little baby Cletus think when he shoots out of the trailer park that is your womb?

Thursday, March 3

Seeking some new Friends

An ad taken from the LA Times- Wanted: a couple to play Boggle on Friday nights and vacation in Cap Juluca during off season. Must enjoy decorating, babies and mismatched plaid pants along with oversized clown shoes. Must be willing to babysit on occasion. Selfish career driven hussies and the men who love them need not apply.

You know, when Jen and Brad decided to rip their martial union to shreds, they weren't considering everyone involved. We all had a lot invested in that marriage. What are Courteney and David to do? What about their needs? Who is going to be BFF with them now, hmmm? Who is going to laugh at David's dumb knock knock jokes and listen to Court complain about Davids fake vomit collection? What about those tequila induced karaoke nights where everyone sings cheesey 80's ballads? I hear David sings a rockin rendition of Total Eclipse of the Heart.

Now the Cox-Arquette family is going to be forced to befriend Katie Holmes and Chris Klein- wait they just split up! They might have to turn to Jessica and Nick! Or worse, subject themselves to Bruce Willis crashing the endless rounds of Cranium on Sundays while Demi and Ashton jabber about the Kabbalah while wearing matching white tracksuits. And please, don't let it come down to Dave and Court having to call Nic Cage and his child bride. She doesn't speak much English and that could really hinder the Scrabble games.

Fat Actress- Again!

"GIVE ME THE GOD DAMN KRISPY CREMES or I'm going to rip his head off!"

That Kirstie, such a firecracker! When it comes to her and her food, don't stand in the way, trust me. She gets vicious with a bucket of KFC, Jenny Craig be damned. Wearing an autumn leaf colored flamenco top with a lacey caminsole underneath and a boxy, ankle length skirt, she mugs for the camera at yet another Fat Actess blowout. How many of these parties is there going to be? And why aren't I invited to any of them? Oh- it's because of that time me and James Wilder...well, nevermind. Let's just say there was a hot tub and a few bottles of Peach Schnapps involved.

Moving on, Kirstie has matched her pumpkin colored lipstick to her pleated orange purse and applied a tawny rogue to her cheeks and pulled it all together with the Thanksgiving streaks in her hair. I believe she is sending us subliminal messages of fall holidays and candied yams with turkey and pie.

I like the way she coordinated her shirt to Neil Sedaka's zip front cardigan. Clever, Kirstie. But he's not a Scientologist, is he? Are you subtlely slipping an anal e-meter probe up his rectum? He looks a little verklempt. Or are you really holding him hostage for a case of Little Debbie Snackcakes?

Star Watch: pig snouts and foot longs

THUMP THUMP THUMP. Running into the street at full force, Star Jones knocked over a street vendor on her way to buy a dozen foot long hot dogs to satisfy her intense desire for meat. After inhaling pig snouts in a bun, she muffled her girth in a chinchilla- fox- rabbit -blended mink coat and stepped into her limousine outfitted with mirrors and a wig collection on styrofoam heads. She screamed for the driver to play Earth, Wind and Fire on the car stereo while she traded wigs and attached false eyelashes to her eyes .

She then had her driver collect Al, her fake husband, and the two were seen in public, briefly chowing down at a fancy restaurant where she clamored for free lobster bibs and a complimentary meal.

The two then parted ways- Al to meet Bobby Trendy at a bar called The Blue Bugle-go figure! and Star, to have late night cognacs with Camille Cosby. There's nothing like drowning your sorrows (or sexuality) in pink tacos with beef au jous. Side of relish, anyone?

Breaking News! A new Hollywood split announced!

Six months pregnant Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen have just filed for divorce. Why, you ask? Is it because Denise used to work for Heidi Fleiss and wants to go back to work as a high paid escort, being squired around town on the arm of Hollywoods wealthiest players?

Is it because her career tanked when she added Sheen to her last name? Is it because Charlie kept ducking into the grotto at the Playboy mansion? Is it because he couldn't keep his trouser snake tucked into the safety of his pants? Or was it all of the above, causing them to state the all encompassing "irreconcilable differences" on the court papers?

Whatever the reason, its a sad, sad day for all the fans of Two and a Half Men. But a happy day for those who enjoyed a naked Denise in Wild Things.

Here we see David Hasselhoff, looking pensive outside The Ivy in Beverly Hills. What could be making him seem so sad? This man was screamingly popular in Germany, you know.

One year, someone gave me a David Hasselhoff album, a cassette tape entitled, "Magic Collection". It was pure hard core hair-band music reminiscent of the days when Poison ruled the airwaves. I kept it right next to Eddie Murphy's "So Happy" album.

David, your fame has come and gone. Your popularity in Europe is rivaled only by that of the infamous William Hung, but here in America, your star has faded. Your agent is calling you for a spot on Hollywood Squares and your red Baywatch shorts have become a little snug, life is not treating you so well these days. Pammy and Carmen won't return your phone calls and the Surreal Life turned you down in favor of Verne Troyer because he's more portable. Knight Rider has been having tranmission problems and you haven't gotten your due props for your part in the Spongebob movie. Cheer up, Hassy. I hear casting is about to begin for Baywatch Seniors. Bea Arthur and Sally Struthers have signed on and Jim J Bullock is just about to commit. Instead of red bikinis, they ladies will wear floaty red caftans and the men will wear knee socks and white dress shoes. See, things are looking up already!

Check out the dog!

Paris has one. Britney has three. Pamela has one too. Nicole also has one. Jessica likes to carry hers in a Louis Vuitton bag. And now, not one to let a fad pass her by, Hilary Duff has her very own toy dog to carry around as an accessory! Purse? check. Sunglasses? check. Lip gloss? check. Teeny tiny dog wrapped in pashmina? check!

Her boyfriend, Joel Madden, carries the puppy in a soft pink throw, bundled up against the cold, inclimate Los Angeles weather. And does anyone else notice he is wearing the all white ensemble of a Kabbalah follower?

The next "star" to get a chihuahua will be Tara Reid, I predict. Small enough to fit in the canyon between her breasts and peek its little face through her V neck shirt. Cute!

By now you must be aware that Mary Kate is back in rehab for her "eating disorder" or what those close to her call a "drug addiction". My friend Countess Bella Von Schnable, who is an Olsen aquaintence, told me- and this is very hush hush- that her problem is an eating disorder fueled by a cocaine addiction and aided in part by extra shots of espresso infused non fat lattes from Starbucks.

And speaking of Starbucks, while her sister seeks treatment, Ashley is busy gulping down her sorrows through a Venti mocha wearing a see-through white prairie skirt possibly borrowed from Maria Bello (see photo below).

I for one, am glad that MK is finally doing something to help herself. When your head is the size of a mutant casaba melon and your arms and legs appear as big as pipe cleaners, it's time to hang up your oversized sweaters and gigantic leather Prada bags and get yourself to a doctor.

I heard from good authority that she had a cappucino maker installed in her room. When you have the big bucks, you can afford all of lifes little perks. To show my support, I sent her a Lindsay Lohan doll, a Hilary Duff cd, a Toblerone bar and a bottle of Paris Hilton perfume. Get well, MK.

Wednesday, March 2

Makeover of the Has Beens

Anna Nicole is looking trashtastic and skinny in her acid washed denim trimmed white sweatsuit complete with a faux denim belt. No offense Anna, but you look like crap. You look like Vicki Jo, the cashier from Wal Mart living in a trailer park in Texas. Do you still have the spitoon in your TransAm?

I'd like to treat you to a makeover. We will start with hacking off six inches of dead split ends on your bleached hair. Then we will give you a good scrub down with a loofah and flea and tick wash. Moving on, we will shop till we drop, adorning you in clothing with high end designer labels instead of Route 66. I know you lost billions but still- dressing well needs to be a priority.

Slowly, we will ease you off whatever drugs make you act like a fembot on an acid trip with a misplaced brain. Next, we will feed you something other than donuts and coke. An exercise regime will help you wean yourself off TrimSpa and get you fit and strong.

Lastly, I will fix you up in a safe house in Idaho, where you can live out of the public eye and get your act together, perferably without Kim and Howard K Stern following you around. We will then present you back into the world but not via Playboy, no- think..Cosmo.

I can hardly wait to get started on this makeover which I will document in my new Vh1 show, Makeover of the Has Beens. Then we will sign you up for a stint on the Surreal Life 4 where you will reside along Tiffany, Willie Aames, Tina Yothers and Joyce DeWitt.

Mentos! The Freshmaker

You've seen this before, right? Filming a commercial for Mentos "the freshmaker!" candy, Sheryl Crow, previously in a plain white dress, lays down on a park bench which has been freshly painted in black stripes. Getting up from the bench and seeing the black on her dress, she shrugs, winks at Lance Armstrong, pops a Mentos in her mouth and heads over to the event at Saks Fifth Avenue, giving us the thumbs up.

Errr. Uhhh. Jen? Yeah. Like, that rolled up jeans over the knee look with high boots is like, so 2004. Over! Especially when your jeans are shoved into the tops of your boot flaps.

And empire waist shirts, even if you really are pregnant, make you look like you're about to blow. Nine months pregnant? How about twelve?

I like the cotton balls glued to the straps of your cashmere top, very inventive. Did Marc stay up all night to make sure the appliques stayed on your suede boots? Are you wearing your own signature "Jennifer Lopez Sweetface" line sprayed with a dousing of Glow? Just FYI, I tried my new Sweetface pants on and they give major camel toe. Im going to have to return them. Sorry!

I've seen some very cute pregnant fashions at Target. Take a look, sugar.

You want to suck my what?

Is Kirsten Dunst making a vampire movie? Channeling the spirit of Lestat? Planning on sucking the blood out of Jake Gyllenhall's neck? Please - don't tell me she is in production for TeenWolf 3.

This is the creepiest photo of Kirsten I ever laid my eyes on and that's not counting the picture of her in the granny dress and Hush Puppy shoes. I was aware her grown up teeth hadn't yet broken through the gums, but here she is sporting pointy stubs that could make even Dracula recoil in fear.

Stay away, people. It gets much worse after dark. And when the moon is full. And when she is at the Academy Awards.

Maria "Dancing Cloud" Bello

Coyote Ugly, indeed! Maria Bello is doing the Buffalo Stance. Fresh from her stay in the teepee of the Lakota indian tribe, she dressed in her best handsewn boots and loomed sweater, created out of yak hair. Her hat completes the ensemble but she decided to hold it, rather than wear it, for the time being.

Her white prairie skirt is okay and I like the belt, but coupled with the native american lace up boots and leather belt, the outfit as a whole gets a big thumbs down from this fashionista.

Too bad because she can dress really well. When I was an extra on the set of ER so many years ago (I played a corpse), she and I used to page through Vogue and this girl had quite a sense of style. What happened, Maria? Too much peyote?

Gwyneth Paltrow Martin Pitt

Hmmmm. My reliable sources in Hollywood tell me there are troubles in the Paltrow-Martin home. Chris is never home. Gwyn takes care of Apple all by herself. Chris is working on his music. Gwyn and Chris got into a huge fight out in public.

And of course, we all know that JA had an lesbo affair with Marky Mark's cousin and she has been abusing the very substance that Jessica "Beef Jerky skin" Simpson has been snorting in the bathroom while Paris took notes. And there is no way that JA is going to gain twenty pounds to have a baby even if that baby is pretty much guaranteed to be the most gorgeous infant ever to grace planet Earth.

Brad's biological clock is ticking. And Gwynnie loves being a mother. And she isn't opposed to more children with fruit or perhaps, vegetable names. Imagine the fun they could have coming up with names to go with the surname of "Pitt"...Pepper Pitt. Peach Pitt. If Apple were to be adopted by Brad she would be Apple Pitt which is totally cute. I mean, Apple Martin is only one letter away from being Apple Martini so by comparison, Pitt doesn't sound all that bad.

Gwyn recently met with Brad for a "business" deal. I know personal issues were discussed. A kiss on the cheek, a hug. And although Brad and Jen were photographed together, they were not wearing wedding rings and have confirmed they are most certainly NOT getting back together which puts the kabosh on those board game/karaoke nights over at the Cox-Arquette home.

I'm going to hold my breath while Brad decides what he's going to do. My magical crystal ball is indicating a Brad-Gwyn hookup before the year is over. Plus Brad is way cuter than Chris Martin, although I do love a British man with a good sense of humor (Hugh Grant- lets meet for drinks, perhaps an Apple Martini?).

We's gonna have a baby, y'all!

Hey y'all! We's be goin' back to LA. I was just gittin' some last minute shoppin done with mah ma and Kev wuz gittin on the plane, he says he wuz tryin to leave me behind in Kentwood, y'all! Like, really he was totally jokin wif me. He keeps tellin me funny things like once he has his clothin' line and his rap cd out, we gonna git a dee-vorce. Then he tells me to fetch him a beer and I'm like, baby! Then he laughs and says, "Git over here! Take off yer clothes, babe." and I do because I love him so much.

Do y'all like mah pink pants? They give me a wedgie! And mah wrist bands are so cool. And ain't Kev lookin so fine? Mah man is so hot. Clock the pants, y'all. Don't he have a fine lookin' butt? And I be so proud, he laced him's own shoes!

Well, we's been here in Kentwood, hangin' wif my mama. It's been real fun y'all. We's been tryin' to make a baby. Kev put a sticker on his truck, it says "If this trucks a rockin' don't come a knockin." Mah ma thought that wuz real sweet. She wants her some grandbabies, y'all. But she don't want them to have Kev's squinty eyes. We a little worried 'bout that.

So anyways, me and Kev wuz eatin' at Sonic Burger and jus havin' a good time as hubban and wife. Kev kept laffin' that he was gonna leave me in Louisiana and go back to LA to record his new rap album. And I wuz like, "Kevvie!" and he's all, "Yeah, baby. You right. Come on home. Papa needs his gravy train. " and I's all "Oh, Cletus! You so good to me baby!"

But like, y'all whats a gravy- what? Train? Anyways, we headed back home. See y'all at the public restroom off the 405. Bye!

Tuesday, March 1

How about we put these two on the Love Boat Special Reunion tour, "Actresses Who Used to Be Cute."

Melanie opted to spend the evening in a relic from the Dynasty costume department- a snake pattered sequinned dress with a dipping V neck, and a low cut back. The dress was minus the shoulder pads which had been cut out by Antonio Banderas to show off her mottled pink skin.

Peggy Hyra (yup, her real name) on the other hand, went for her usual white blouse and voluminous black skirt and messy hair, spending the evening in need of some blotting papers and a brush.

Ladies...what happened?

Stick a fork in her, she's done

Nick forgot to turn Jessica over on the barbeque spit. I think he left her there on purpose, trying to get her to stay home so he could go party with all the pretty young girls who don't happen to have skin like a charcoaled meat by-product.

I'm quite sure Jessica had the best intentions when she chose her red dress and pearl choker, dying her skin the shade of a Hebrew National hotdog by repeated visits into the Mystic Tanning booth and frantic applications of Clarins self tanner as well as an iodine/baby oil cocktail.

Jessica, halt the sun worshipping immediately. Your skin will soon look like that of a crocodile and your father might have you turned into a pair of boots and a matching belt.

AU

Mischa Barton somehow got a hold of R2D2 and C3PO and melted down the alloys, creating a gown thats part Star Wars, part wild west with a corset, pleats, ruffles with little lacy cap sleeves. Did she end up on anyones worst dressed list? I mean, besides mine?