Viva Pam!
 Pamela Anderson looks surprisingly like Loni Anderson, the Burt years, or a female impersonator on hiatus from La Cage Aux Folles. What's up with her face? Did she just get some new cheek implants and a face lift? Her eyes look slanted- either she is tired, high, or just had botox shots. Tear your eyes away from her makeup job and the phallic tube of lipstick provocatively dancing around her lips. No seriously, look away. Now. Check out her hair. Looks like Stephen Dorff got tangled in it and managed to climb out before she was attacked by a bottle of hairspray. And then giant birds built a nest in it and left behind a few eggs and some twigs. I love big blonde hair as much as the next hooch, but when the line crosses over into cartoony Marge Simpson territory, you know you must tame the height with a hat or a brush. Reaching for a description of her hair, I dare to call it a Kentucky Waterfall. A faux mullet- except the top is super high so it's not a traditional mullet. Perhaps a wig from the Dolly Parton Collection?
 We can only imagine the dialogue that took place between Britney and Kevin after he came back from Las Vegas wearing a pair of silk pink panties on his head reeking of booze and babes. Poor Britney who may or may not be pregnant, spent the weekend on her brothers deck sun- bathing and picking a wedgie and waving to the paparazzi which captured her every movement including rearranging a bush and applying lotion to her newly huge boobies. Kevin: Baby, its so good to see you. Britney: I hear you got some escort when you was in Vegas. How could you? Note: I have been to Las Vegas at least a dozen times and have never required an escort. We can conclude a.) Kevin didn't want to get lost b.) we can also assume he hired someone to act as a tour guide. Britney: What, you think I'm stoopid? Kevin: Yeah. She didn't mean anything. I was just rubbing her body with dollar bills and shit. I was so high. I don't even know what was going on. Britney: Who is she? Kevin: Well, baby, remember last year when I went to Vegas with the guys and I got wasted and ended up with some chick? It was her. Van- Vaniss- Vanessa? Dude, yeah. She hot! Britney: And you was touchin her and had your hands all over her? I read it on the intranet. Kevin: Big deal! Baby, I always come back to my meal ticket, I mean you. Britney: You cheated on Shar when she wuz pregnant. I can't trust you. Kevin: You know I love you. Now, baby, go fetch me a cold one and a smoke, would ya? Britney: oh Kevvie. You promise you aint gonna cheat on me no more? Kevin: Only when I'm in Vegas, hahaha. And when we get dee-vorced, I'm gonna move to there. Yeah. You can bring Cletus Jr. out there to visit his old man. Duuuude. Let me see your boobs. Just remember, what happens in Vegas doesnt stay there, it gets splashed all over the internet and will most likely get a cover story on a tabloid this weekend. Cheers, Kevin!
 Elizabeth Hurley, looking ultra sexy on her way to an event to celebrate Mary Poppins. Well, what do you expect from a woman who wore her cleavage pushed up to her chin for a baptism? Do you really expect her to wear jeans and a tee shirt when she has an opportunity to dress like a femme fatale? I'm sure there were lots of hot single dads out that night. You never know. We always need to dress like we are about to meet and have sex with Brad Pitt. Personally I think the see through top (which looks like a tissue) and tight satin pants is a very kid friendly outfit. Kids respond well to satin and breasts and children especially love to point out camel toes. Taking a page from Liz's book, I'm going to wear my new crotchless stockings with my glittery nipple covers and leg warmers to Blue's Clue's on Ice! Liz and I are so full of good taste, we are overflowing! I hear Liz is getting a part in the new Harry Potter movie. I hope she wears fishnets, a tube top and a pointy witch hat for her role! And maybe a mole on the end of her nose.
Explosive materials contained...
 This photo is of Lisa Rinna, fresh from her monthly visit to the plastic surgeon where he inflated her lips with a new substance created from helium, collagen and floatation materials. She gets to bring home a tiny pump to fluff her lips up as needed in between visits. Sometimes she springs a leak and if you get close enough you can hear the air hissing out. Careful hon, one of these days those lips might take off for the sky like a rampant Thanksgiving Day parade balloon. And then all that will be left in their place is two thin and shriveled lips like flat tires. But don't worry. You can always refill them with the saline of your implants until you can get in to see the doctor!
Ready for the tush push?
 How did Jessica Simpson get the skirt from my elementary school Brownie uniform? And where's the beanie? Nervous that her Dukes of Hazzard movie won't draw horny teenage boys to the theaters in droves, Jessica prepares herself for a new career as a line dancing instructor. She is all ready to do the boot scoot with her cowboy boots, Dukes of Hazzard tee shirt and oversize belt. She even prepared for the mechanical bull by wearing heavy tights under her skirt just in case she is thrown off mid-buck. Looks like she is headed to her car because she forgot her ten gallon hat and bandana. Hope the new job works out for you, Jessica. And what does preacher dad say about your Texas two step? I know he loves it when you do the tush push.
 I guess Jared Leto, who can be hot but chooses to look like he went dumpster diving, doesn't mind girls with zits. He went out with Cameron Diaz who is reported to have whore-able skin, lots of big, pus filled zits and scars all over her face. In fact, with the advent of high definition television, we will be able to count the pimples on her face and actually see inside her pores! It will bring a whole new element to tv watching! After Cam and Jared broke up, he moved onto Scarlett who also has a problem with her complexion, check out the above photo. It's nice to know Jared doesn't find angry red zits repulsive! I have an enormous goiter on my forehead he might really like and I feel an eruption about to happen on my chin. I'm going to fax a photo to Jared and hope he calls! Do you think he buys ProActiv for his girlfriends instead of sending flowers?
Cletus and BritBrit Junior
 If you just cannot wait for nine months to pass and photos of Kevin and Britney's spawn to be photographed and plastered on every tabloid from here to the Arctic Circle, Star Magazine gives us a sneak peek of what the Federline children will look like. Cletus Junior wears lopsided smirk belonging to Popeye which makes me question the paternity. I'm a little afraid Cletus may have popped out of the womb with the do rag already in place which makes him a special kid who can ride the short bus. I have never seen an infant with eyebrows like millipedes, we can only guess that trait is handed down from Kev's side of the family. The infant Britney as a child already has highlighted hair and peachy cheeks. The baby Britbrit has a large forehead and is sporting a nice shade of lipstick and subtle eyeliner. I love full face makeup on baby girls! So cute, baby hoochies! Too bad the photo did not show her cropped top and low rider pants, showing off a pudgy belly and diaper. Thankfully neither of the Federline kids have Kevin's squinty eyes or Britney's double chin and zits. Now theres a morph I'd like to see. Let's not forget the cornrows and cigarettes!
Clap on! Clap off!
 After consuming too many TrimSpa/ Malibu rum cocktails with a special Valium chaser, Anna Nicole attempts to look sexy and instead resembles the old lady from the Clapper commercials who has fallen and cannot get up. Seems Anna was posing on top of the fireplace when she slipped on one of her mules and went down, landing on a fur carpet from the J. Lo Sweetface collection. Since she was horizontal and there was a camera nearby, Anna tried to look sexy but her tattooed leg looks strange, as if her kneecap is broken but she doesn't want her shoe to fall off. She appears as if she is trying to get up but is too drug induced to pull herself upright so she's just going to lay on the floor for a while. Her face seems to be saying, "Help me! I just ruptured an implant on this cold hard floor and I need a drinky poo!" I prefer the fat Anna Nicole! She was larger than life. Skinny Anna is sadly just another strung- out model with huge boobs and a reality show. How long until she appears on The Surreal Life with Isaac from the Loveboat, Joey Lawrence and Bob Saget?
 Brittany Murphy is doing her best to wear every washed out color of the rainbow that blends into her skin and creates a very monochromatic look to contrast with her dark hair. In this billowy gown, Brittany appears to not have legs and her very pointy shoes can double as weapons should she encounter any gestures of sexual innuendo coming from Bruce Willis. Her shoulder blades are also pointed and filed, ready for a rumble. Seems like J. Lo showed up in a large dress one time and now everyone is doing it. You really can't beat the comfort. There is nothing like being able to keep a change of clothes and a meal under your gown for break time. And when the bow comes off and curtains of her dress part, a screen is revealed where Little Black Book plays and popcorn is given out courtesy of Orville Redenbacher hidden in her bust.
 Kelly looks pissed! And I would too if I had to wear those archaic bodice compressing tops! Inside that tight corset, Kelly Osbournes breasts are pointing inwards, her ribs are starting to crack and internal organs are squished. She needs a portable oxygen machine when she wears her whalebone corset because she simply cannot fit a lick of air through her passageways with out popping a few buttons on her PT Barnum vest. Under the vest is a bustier tied and buckled so tightly a locksmith is required to be on hand for the undressing. Once the constricting accessories are removed, her intestines inflate like a hot air balloon and her stomach expands and fills with gas (note to Kelly- buy some Beano!). Kelly's innards are beginning to meld together and she must be hand fed with a dropper because her stomach is folded up like a piece of orgami and she can only ingest small amounts of strained apricots. I'm so glad Jack doesn't mind feeding his sister. Now if only she could find a corset for those plump arms. Just kidding Kelly! You look fine. Now don't forget to breathe!
Her shit dont cost a thing
 A friend sent me this story which is too entertaining not to be shared! Lets just say J. Lo should stop scarfing down those Baked Lays with Olestra. The package clearly states anal leakage may occur... The Superficial "Remember a few years ago when Ben Affleck and Matt Damon were here shooting Project Greenlight?" (They had gone to Sundance to interview directors and writers and try and create a publicity stunt and an episode out of it.) "I was doing sound in the condo where they were both lodging and filming. At one point Ben took a break from shooting and disappeared upstairs to his bedroom. By mistake he left his wireless mic on." "Jennifer Lopez was there with Ben, but was hiding out in his room the whole time. At first when I heard Ben kissing her hello, I immediately went to turn the volume down on my headphones. But then they started kissing loudly and making noises, and I felt so guilty, but I left the sound up, and heard Jennifer saying 'I love you baby, I love you... You wanna get busy, baby. You wanna get busy?'" "Then I heard Ben reply, .'Are you sure you're feelin' better? I don't want you to shit on me again.'" Silence. Then screams from everyone on our crew. Our dear sound guy seemed like he had finally told a story he'd been holding onto for years, and was relieved to tell people who found it more funny than disgusting. I think it is perfectly both."
Doggie Style!
 At first I was a little miffed I didn't receive an invite to Donald Trumps wedding. Come on, Star Jones and Gal were invited, after all! Donald and I go way back to when I bumped into him in Trump Tower on the way to use the bathroom after a shopping spree on Fifth Avenue and my Cosbella thongs went flying into the air, landing on a gilded bust of the Donald, much to his amusement. I've known Melania for years as we were both models in eastern Europe as children. But then I wiped my tears as I read the following and was at once filled with relief that I did not have to witness Pat's strange canine-like behavior. Furthermore, I would have been embarrassed- for him and me- if he panted and begged on his hind legs for my attention. And if he licked my face I would have been pissed- do you know how hard it is to get the right blend of bronzing gel and blush? Page Six "O'Brien was already starting to fray around the edges when he attended Donald Trump's wedding to lingerie model Melania Knauss at Mar-a-Lago, said eyewitnesses. The popular host of "The Insider," who's currently in rehab, surprised bystanders when he jumped in between NBC head (and former boss) Jeff Zucker and CBS honcho Les Moonves, who were deep in conversation. O'Brien first teased the two network rivals for speaking to each other, and then " humped Zucker's leg," said a shocked spy. "The security guards asked that he have a 'time out' by the pool," said the source. At once I have an image of Pat with a studded dog collar, leash and large bone hanging from his drooling mouth. I also have no trouble envisioning Pat with a diaper and a bib, begging to be spanked. There are clubs for those kind of fetishes and I bet Pat has platinum member status. Side note- do you think the rehab facility offers any kind of tooth whitening incentive? Not to be mean, but Pat's teeth kind of look like that Indian corn people like to hang on their doors around Halloween.
Paratrooper Wilmerama
 Word has it that Lindsay was banging on Wilmers hotel room door in the middle of the night looking for some lip smacking action! After a night of vodka tonics, whiskey shots and dancing topless on bar stools, what else could answer the mighty cry of the loins? Hey, there is nothing wrong with a late night booty call with your ex when youre drunk and horny. Don't judge her because she is young and slutty! Her attraction to Wilmer may have been promptly snuffed out if she happened to catch a glimpse of him wearing the olive green Members Only jacket created from parachute material circa 1989. Let's not overlook the layers of Army green shirts with the satiny jacket serving as the accessory to pull it all together. Thankfully we cannot see his mossy green thong! Take note of the pants, tie dyed cords, sweet. He must have been trying to make himself appear shorter (see Jessica "stumpy" Simpson) by folding his pants with the famous "french roll" ie. tapering and cuffing with one swift maneuver. Wilmer then highlighted his capri pants creation with a pair of camouflage patterned extra high high-top sneakers, adding a knit cap and what appears to be a chain in his pocket as the piece de resistance.
Perhaps the outfit was born out of a desire to audition for a military film or be involved in some kind of ambush? Was he going into hiding from Lindsay, hoping to blend in with the New York City greenery? Oh I know! It was that wacky Kabbalah devotee, Ashton Kutcher and that crazy Punk'd show. Must have something to do with that!
Mrs. Soprano wants her look back!
 I can hear the gum cracking! Paris Hilton must be trying out for a role in "Bayonne Beauties". With her bleached, teased hair, shellacked into submission with a tube of Dippity Do and a can of Aqua Net, her sunglasses and her nail file, she is all set to play a mafioso's girlfriend living in New Jersey, driving a late model Crown Victoria and working at Forever 21. I hope she perfects that strong east coast accent, its crucial that she know how to pronounce "caw-fee and wa-dah". And does she know what a guido is? Also a must: dark lipliner filled in with a frosty pink lipstick and lots of gum chewing, lip smacking and eye rolling. I think she has that last part down quite well.
Jocelyn Wildenstein Halloween masks- now available!
 Priscilla is afraid if she smiles too much her carefully constructed face will shatter into several pieces and may have to be sewn back together. After her skin bleaching, chemical peel and dermabrasion, Priscilla brought a photo of Joan Rivers to her plastic surgeon and asked if she could have the same cheekbones but with the skin pulled tighter! Tighter! She requested a smooth forehead along with an eye and brow lift plus enough Botox to freeze a small country and a chin implant to balance out the cheeks. She is now awaiting word that she will play Joscelyn Wildenstein in the movie of the week. Meanwhile, Oprah looks on thinking to herself, "What the hell did she do to her face?" and Lisa Marie laughs that her mother strangely resembles her ex husband, Michael Jackson.
Who's that lesbian?
 Hey look! Its Sarah Jessica "No longer Gap worthy" Parker, her son James and her lesbian nanny, going for a stroll in Manhattan! Sarah looks good with the exception of the Uggs. When will that trend die? And is that a baby bump I detect? What? That's not her butch nanny sporting Ray Bans and a Fantastic Sams haircut along with a pair of rumpled Dickies? Well then- who- her husband? Indeed, it is Ferris Bueller! Why is he wearing a shrunken blazer with one button pulled to the max? It appears he is trying to smuggle a Gap scarf, a few sweaters and a pair of breasts under the brown coat. The red mittens shoved in his pocket - nice touch, good way to accessorize with the plaid Christmas scarf and the little boys shoes. Matthew looks a bit like Cynthia Nixon's manly gal pal and that is not a good thing.
Right back atcha Cam!
 Cameron Diaz has really good manners. Look at the way she greets photographers, giving them the middle finger salute. She is conscious about the environment, supports hybrid cars and loves publicity! We can file her under "ungrateful celebs who cry about their fame". Cammie, show some love for the photog's that keep your mug in the news, without them you might only be known as the girl from The Mask and the chick that dates Justin. How about a smile and a wave? Even Britney can muster up a grin and her face is full of pimples!
Stumpy Legs
 Didn't Jessica get the memo? You know, the one that tells her not to wear sweatpants and Uggs because it shortens her legs and makes her like a dwarf? She is taking the "hobo chic" movement very seriously. Remember back in the day when jeans and cute tee shirts were in style? Somehow I just cant bring myself to wear oversized sweats. On the upside of this fashion development, you don't run the risk of the dreaded camel toe. Only a few days ago Jess was wearing a flannel shirt and baggy pants plus a hat to hide her unwashed hair. Look, it's a real pain to wash and blow your hair dry. Is she expected to have a hairstylist on call every single day? You know, her dad cannot be her manager, agent, stylist, wardrobe assistant, personal shopper then be expected to set and curl her hair. A dad can only do so much! Nice shirt Jessica. When you're done pass it along to Ashlee, okay?
Rehab, addiction and therapy- its the new trend!
 Joe Simpson is wringing his hands, trying to figure out how to admit Jessica into rehab and capture it all on a reality show. It seems like the trend du jour is to attend rehab for some kind of addiction or problem. Everyone who is anyone has been to rehab at least once. You're just not cool unless you've been in rehab. Matthew Perry was just admitted (again!) and Pat O'Brien has settled in with his cell phone and dictionary of porn slang. Whitney is trying to come off smack while Billy Joel is cleaning up his act, hoping to put an end to his telephone pole crashing. Paula should be attending outpatient therapy for her obvious addiction to something as slurred speech and incoherent thoughts indicate heavy narcotic usage. Joan Rivers and Janice Dickinson have openly admitted to being addicted to plastic surgery, as both of them have faces created from harvested pig skin and donated cadaver epidermis. Mary Kate is a frequent guest in group therapy, toting her oversized Starbucks cups full of laxatives and coke. Charlie Sheen went into rehab a while back and Ben Affleck enjoyed a stay at Promises. And how can we not mention the patron saint of rehab, Courtney Love? I think an admission to a rehab facility should come with a Screen Actors Guild card along with one Get Out of Jail free pass.
Need a chiropractor?
 Mariah Carey celebrates her 35th birthday wearing a satiny white dress, pin-straight blonde hair extensions and heavy black eye-makeup created with a sharpie pen and purple chalk. Mariah, might I suggest bangs and curls to take the focus of your forehead? Does she know she has a stain on the left side of her gown? No matter. It's just a splatter of Puff Daddy's drool. Nothing a little club soda can't get out! An exaggerated pose, Mariah thrusts out her chest and cracks the vertebrae in her back as she ensures every guest will get a good look at her large bosoms. A Greek goddess in a white crystal trimmed toga, Mariah insist's that party goers bow to her and toss rose petals in her wake as she trots down a plush white carpet rolled out just for her stilettoed feet. Gifts included new rims for her Escalade, glitter nail polish and body spray, fur trimmed hair clips, coupons for Mystic Tan and custom blended perfume from Celine Dion. I hope she likes the gift I sent- J. Lo's new album, sent C.O.D of course!
Like a virgin- really!
 This was just too good not to post here! Madonna and her husband get dressed up for a Kabbalah event in London, forgoing their designer clothes for religious attire. Personally, I think they look fab! The costumes would have been a wonderful way for Demi to hide her pregnant tummy, if the rumors are true. And just think of Ashton as the pope! That would beat the time they got dressed as gigantic babies at the Kabbalah Halloween party. But back to Madonna. I think that look is quite becoming, don't you? Much better than the crucifix rage of the 80's. And think of the fun role playing the two could act out in after the party! The nun and the preist? It's just as good as the teacher and the naughty school boy if not better. Candles and confession time for Madonna and Guy. When can we expect to see that video leak out onto the shelves of our local video stores?
Rock out with your fetus out!
 Britney Spears: Pregnant!Star Magazine is announcing its official: Britney Spears and her husband of seven months, Kevin Federline, are expecting a baby! The 23-year-old singer is three-months pregnant, according to sources close to the couple, and an official announcement confirming the happy news is expected to be released this weekend. A source close to the couple tells Star that Britney is already reading "What to Expect When You're Expecting," an advice manual for expectant moms, and is eating for two with double helpings of everything. "Brit is totally focused on being a mom," says the source. "She says it's the most important thing she's ever done in her life. From now until the baby comes, she says she's not going to do anything more strenuous than eat for two!" "He calls Brit 'my lady-in-waiting,'" says the source. "Kevin knows he's not going to get a moment's peace from now until the baby comes. He says what he really enjoys about her pregnancy is chugging beers and telling Brit 'You can't have one!'"What a nice guy! We love Cletus Federspears!
At least she didnt go for the stone rabbit..
 Alicia and I had a great time shopping for that dress. I suggested a tiny beaded purse from Nordstrom to complete the outfit. When I went into Brookstone to check out the buckwheat pillows and adjustable reading lights, she noticed the pretend cement rocks meant for hiding keys and announced, "This would go perfectly with my dress!" I tried to explain those faux boulders were for hiding a key, not to accompany a evening gown but she wouldnt hear of it. "No, I love it!" she cried and proceeded to the checkout. I thought she would change her mind and go with an elegent purse, but as you can see from this photo, she went with the fake rock. A bit heavy to carry around all night, but her keys fit perfectly and she didn't mind not having a place to hold her lipstick and face powder. That's what a bra is for!
 Halle Berry wants to have a baby and her biological clock is ticking louder than a time bomb. She wants to get pregnant and feels artificial insemination is the only way its going to happen. Well, lucky for Halle, Brad Pitt wants to have a child and I think the two would make a lovely couple and have gorgeous babies! Hey, the divorce will be final soon and why not? If Brad isnt going to date Angelina, I think he should approach Halle with a deal. Halle Berry Pitt actually has a nice ring to it. Hold off on going to that sperm back, Halle. Lets get a meeting between you and Brad, pronto!
 Remember back in the 1980's when Whitney was so pretty and talented? And then she met Bobby Brown and it was all downhill from there. From cancelled performances to incoherent mumblings and stuttering, we were left wondering, what happened? Drugs. And a very volatile marriage to Bobby. Whitney, I'm glad you checked into rehab. Girl, you aren't looking so good. We are all pulling for a healthy recovery and hope you get better soon! If you run into Pat and Billy in group therapy, tell them I said hello. And Paula might be checking in soon too so you will have some company. Until then, focus on getting clean and sober. And there might be a book deal in this whole thing if you just hang in there.
 "Charlie Sheen is furious that friends of his estranged wife, Denise Richards, have been telling Us Weekly he has a sex, drug and gambling problem. Richards' pals say Sheen paid a hooker $15,000 for sex, gambled away up to $400,000, and has been using prescription drugs. Some say it was Sheen's anger over the article that caused him to go to court in L.A. yesterday to contest Richards' claim for spousal support. According to "Extra," Sheen also wants joint custody of daughter Sam and their unborn child." Poor Denise arrives at her home to find a huge public notice taped to her front gate. Gee thanks Charlie! What a gentleman. This is going to be an ugly divorce. We can only guess that perhaps there is an inkling of truth to those rumors and Charlie is pissed that his "good name" is being dragged through the mud. Where would those evil lies come from? Because he has been an upstanding citizen and has never solicited for sex from a hooker and he has never touched a line of coke in his life! Vicious lies, all of them! Well, on the bright side, Puff Daddy/P. Diddy is finally designing a line of custom rims and that would perk anyone up. I know I'm totally stoked over this news! Hey Charlie, get yourself over to Puff for some exclusive, aluminum Sean John rims and pimp up your SUV. Maybe that will put you in a better mood and you'll ease up on pregnant, hormonal Denise!
No longer The Pitts
 It's finally over. Take a moment and observe some silence. Take a Kleenex and dab your eyes. There is no hope for reconciliation. Jennifer Aniston officially filed for divorce from Brad Pitt this afternoon. And our nation mourns the death of another Hollywood couple. Please, don't tell me Brit and Kev are really on the outs. And if Jessica and Nick break up I just don't know what I'll do. Another one bites the dust. So long, Mr. & Mrs. Pitt!
Tommy Lee says YUCK regarding Hiltons toes
 Former Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee tells Blender magazine that he hasn't seen the world's second most famous home sex tape - featuring Paris Hilton and then boyfriend Rick Solomon. "I haven't seen it yet," he said. "But I heard she's got really ugly toes - that her feet are crazy-looking. I'm a foot man, so when I heard that, I was like, 'I don't know if I'm gonna see it.' I heard her feet are up in the camera, a lot of these crazy feet shots." I never gave much thought to Paris Hilton's feet but after reading Tommy's insightful thoughts and viewing the above photo, I am inclined to agree with him. Ugly feet on a porn tape are such a no-no. Knowing her feet are in range of the camera makes me want to cross that video off my "must view" list. Long gorilla toes are good for picking up lipgloss and clothes from the floor, also steering the car in a pinch. Perhaps she can also climb trees with those toes. Paris, you are a woman of many talents!
 While Kevin is rocking out with his Playstation and getting stoned with his Fresno buds in their Malibu mansion, Britney checks into a Santa Monica hotel and reads diet magazines, eats shrimp cocktail and drinks ice tea. Poor Britney, all alone at the hotel! Where is her assistant and bodyguard? She needs a CaCee like Jessica has! Jess is never alone. My sources tell me rap star Kevin is just trying to fatten her up a bit because he likes his women like his hot dogs- plump and juicy. What to believe? Those breasts are looking rather large lately. Is it all the mayonaisse and fried food thats giving her some junk in the trunk and extra boobage? Is Kevin really encouraging her to eat sticks of butter and cartons of ice cream? Is the marriage on the rocks and she is seeking comfort in food? We want to know! Britney, let me know what we can do to help. As I wait for your call, Im knitting you a baby blanket made out of Slim Jims. Love ya Brit!
Paula, you made it your own and you delivered
 Poor incoherent Paula Abdul! She was having a great time searching for opium in Malaysia when she learned of the criminal hit- and -run charges pending in Los Angeles. If you are not familiar with this, Paula clipped a driver on the 405, causing minor damage to the vehicle. She was so busy touching up her lip-gloss, chatting on her cell phone, slurping her Jim Beam and daydreaming about Mario Vazquez that she didn't notice her Mercedes smacked another car. The big THUD THUMP hooooonkkkk! wasn't audible and the impact wasn't registered. She was in Kuala Lumpur for a Tsunami benefit when she learned she could serve a possible six months in jail. Prison is just a bit too pitchy for our princess! Like a true diva, she took to her bed at once, throwing a temper tantrum when a friend suggested she pull herself together. Pillows went flying and vases shattered as a confused Paula tried to grasp her future in an orange jumpsuit sans heavy gold jewelry and oversized earrings. This is where things get juicy- with her eyes half opened, Paula scratched her friends face as the helpful buddy tried to cheer Paula up. Catfight! I hope she didn't break a nail dragging her talons along the side of her pals cheek! Ouch. The next day Paula threw a piece of jewelry and insisted the friend pay her back for a hamburger the friend had eaten at the hotel. Stuttering, mumbling Paula can't spare a few bucks for lunch? Remind me never to agree to a lunch date with her. Back in Los Angeles, dizzy Paula got off with barely a spanking, only having to pay a fine and repairs on the other car. She got her Out of Jail Free card after singing "Straight Up" wearing only black tights and a fedora in court. Maybe she should stop mixing her prescription drugs with heavy narcotics when she gets behind the wheel of her car. A tipsy Paula speeding on the 405 is a recipe for disaster. If she drives like she articulates, that license should be revoked, pronto. Doesn't American Idol provide complimentary limo service? Paula, I hear Whitney is looking for a roommate at the rehab facility. She was bunking with Pat O' Brien but his dirty sex talk was too much for Whit's delicate ears. He is now sharing a room with Billy Joel so there's a bed waiting for you. You might want to change the sheets first.
Wilmerama begs for it!
 WILMER VALDERRAMA loves the trash talk! I think he wants us to be uttering his name, discussing the fact he dated not only cutie Mandy Moore but also boozy, tanorexic Lindsay Lohan and mullet sporting Ashlee Simpson. "Bring it on!" he laughs, citing that he wouldn't mind being linked to Angelina Jolie. That's not funny Wilmerama. That would simply never happen for obvious reasons. She likes men such as that Pitt guy and women like, well- me. But if you want, I can start some rumors right here. You might be dating Haylie Duff and we know you took Jamie Lynn Spears to The Hard Rock Cafe for burger and fries. Weren't you seen making out with Andy Dick? I saw a photo of you macking out with Tina Yothers and the other night I witnessed you touching Paula Abdul, although she was obvioulsy wasted as usual. You've also been photographed wearing Paris Hilton's panties on your head but then again, who hasn't? I saw you in a bar wearing nothing but a beret, a thong and a tank top dancing to ABBA while The Kutch tried to put money down your g-string. I love spreading rumors about Wilmerama! Hey Wilmer, you did say you wanted to take a giant gossip bath with bubbles, right? I'm happy to oblige.
Ashton is gay and Brad does drugs!
 Ashton "The Kutch" Kutcher, is gabbing with Brad Pitt in the April issue of Interview. Brad and Ashton talk about the search for meaning in religion and the price of fame: Brad says, "Celebrity is a trap." (A trap that affords you many luxuries) Ashton counters, "If you believe it." (Please!) But Brad, at age 40, has had more wear and tear. "Personally . . . I feel a little closed off from the world. I want to sit on my front lawn and watch traffic go by." (Then move to a remote corner of the USA and buy your log cabin and do it. No one is forcing you to live in freaking Beverly Hills and chaining you to the bed.) Ashton insists, "You can do that!" (Mtv will be glad to sign a reality show contact with you. Let's call it: Pitt'd) Brad laughs, "You can do it if you sell tickets." (Oh my gosh! Fame is a bitch, isn't it guys? Earning buckets of money and being able to travel around the world first-class is so rough! Never having to worry about financial security sucks! Having personal trainers and chefs not to mention homes in every corner of the world is really quite a burden. Keep whining while I go vomit.) Brad: "What about the press? They've already said you're stupid. Have they said you're gay yet?" (Well they just might if they find out Ashton is obsessed with Boogie Nights and Dirk Diggler is his personal hero. Oops! Don't let that leak out!) Ashton: "I don't know if I've gotten gay." ( Don't worry Ash, you will. You look a little girly in those puffy white tracksuits ) Brad: "Oh, really? You'll get there." (Is that because you were spotted on Sunset Strip trolling for men several years ago?) Ashton counters "Everyone assumes I'm on drugs most of the time." (Yeah, well. Duh.) Brad: "I don't think I've ever gotten that one, and I usually am on drugs!" (We know you are quite the toker, Brad. But does Jen really do lines of coke to stay so skinny? Thats what we want to know.)
Allegedly...
 "We cannot remain silent during what appears to be a ruthless and savage attack by the media on Charlie's character. To imply that he is in any way regressing to the behavior that cost him so dearly and almost ended his life just seven years ago is not only the lowest form of journalism, but sinks to the level of defamation." - Martin Sheen, defending his son. Because to accuse a former sex addict and drug fiend of repeating his behavior is just barbaric! So please explain why Charlie was (allegedly) hanging out with a prostitute and was spotted gambling. What would make Denise so mad that she would spit nails and kick Charlie's flabby buttocks to the gutter? Denise has banned Charlie from the delivery room when she cranks out his spawn and she wants sole custody of the two children, even if the second baby has Charlie's beakish nose and receding hairline! He fired back and said he won't pay her one red cent from his Spin City and Major League fortune which amazingly hasn't been squandered on big breasted whores and coke. So there! But I'm sure she isn't hurting for money and Hugh Hefner's doors are always open to another pictorial so I guess next year this time Denise just may be gracing the cover of Playboy and starring in Starship Troopers 2.
Rumpled is trendy and slovenly is chic!
 Do not wear Dry Clean Only with kitten heeled mules, but do wear your sweats and pull on last years scuffed Uggs because hobo chic is now all the rage! Please cancel your tanning sessions and your waxing appointments and follow Ethan Hawke's lead- an stubbly face with greasy hair and zits is chic! Stylists are calling it "slobby chic," "earthy elegance" and "modern bohemian." Its an effortless style that requires none of the expensive perfection we have come to associate with being current and trendy. In fact, we can thank the Olsen twins for exposing the seedy underbelly of fashion, wearing bathrobes with sweat pants and multi layered necklaces, heavy bangles and long tangled hair. Do not match your clothes, do not waste your time with mascara and lipgloss or leather shoes. Ugly is pretty! Unwashed is cool. Skanky is dandy and filth is divine! Versatile as well as affordable, anyone can pull off this new look sweeping the nation. You thought Brit and Kev were trashy slobs? Ha! They are in vogue, people. Ripped jeans, flannel shirts, messy hair ripe with split ends and dull color, pimples, postules, overgrown eyebrows and unshaven legs is what its all about!
Happy Birthday to Star
 It's Star's birthday today! And in celebration of her special day, I sent over a case of TrimSpa along with some Jimmy Dean sausages and a Playgirl calender for Al. I know, it wasnt his birthday but I was feeling bad for him since he was recently laid off from his job. He must be so depressed! Being married to Starlet, closeting his sexuality and then being fired? Oh the pain! It's okay Al. Soon you can sign those divorce papers and run off into the sunset with Bobby Trendy and your Liberace collection. Enclosed in the package was this photo, taken a few years back. I just wanted to remind Star how she used to look before she hit it "big" if you can call hitting it big pestering celebs on the red carpet and wheezing through interviews while grasping for words wearing a bad wig and gaudy jewelry. She's big and fat and purple and I'm certain those aren't Payless shoes she's wearing. I do detect a white bra, large enough to hold two German Shepards and launch torpedos. Oh, and because of my recent financial struggles, I was forced to send the gift COD. I hope she doesn't mind!
Mena Suv-ugly
 Since when did Mena Suvari start imitating Ashlee Simpson? What happened, did an octopus land on Mena's head and spray red ink all over her dress? Something is on her head, a Star Jones Caucasian Collection Wig? Mena! Remember when you were in American Beauty and you had Kevin Spacey drooling over your blondness? And then you married that old guy and dyed your hair brown and it's never been the same since! Listen up, chica. You look like a shaggy dog with a bad dye job. I cannot even see if you have a pair of eyes under that fringe. I know its trendy right now to dye your hair jet black and have ghoulish white skin that has never seen the light of day, but did you have to hitch your wheel to that wagon? You have a modified mullet, dear. A mushroom cut. A bowl cut in the front and long locks in the back. Chop it off at once! Get yourself to a professional and gently return to blonde. Even Renee Z. is trying to get back to her golden tresses. Black hair is nice...for people that were born with it. Next time, do not let Kelly Osbourne near your head with a bottle of Nice N Easy, Punk Formula #124X. She is brutal with the hair dye and even worse with the eyeliner.
A letter from Britney
 Hey y'all. See here in this picshur, me and Kev, we aint so happy. See, Kev keeps callin' me fat and I keep tellin' him he gotta getta job. Y'all it ain't fair! He sits home and smokes weed and shit and for the last six munts I been tellin' the maids to change the baby's diapers and take BitBit for a walk and stuff. Man, this marriage stuff is real hard. Real hard. Y'all like mah skirt and Uggs? I think its fun. I seen Paris Hilton wear her boots and it looked cute. The doctor told me to wear flip flips or Uggs last summer cause of my knee and when I went barefeeted into the bathroom, I got some kinda flesh eating bacteria all over my ankle! So, it was Kev's birfday, y'all.. Don't tell nobody but I took Kev to Chi hopin' to run into Justin. Lordy lordy, I shoulda stayed with him, you know? Like, Cletus don't like to take no baths and he don't use deodarent. He smells like chili, y'all and he don't brush his teeth neither and he's got all this green stuff in his teeth. When he don't wanna wash his hair, he just wraps a towel round his head and puts a trucker cap on. And he looks totally cute, y'all. But still. He got lice once and I had to take him to get his head shaved and then I had to warsh his scalp with tar. I think he had crabs too but I aint shur. Some people call him a scuzball and I stick up fer him but he dont wash those manpris and one of these days, them there pants are gonna walk right out my front door. My moment of truth: I think I might be pregnant! My boobs feel sore and they look real big and Kev says I have a lard ass but that might be cause I eat KFC every day cause the baby makes me crave grease and fried stuff. Kev calls me Heffer, Chubby and Fatso but that means he loves me. He aint so excited 'bout us having babies. He's got two that he knows of and don't want no more. I's feelin' so sad. Jamie Lynn's getting all famous and shit and Kev's out with his friends all the time y'all and that's why I need this baby. I need Kev's love seed to make me happy! I'll let you know more later, y'all. I gotta run. Kev's callin' me upstairs for a backrub and some zit poppin'! Bye!
Despite the shaggy haircut, he's kind of hot...
 Mmmmmbop? How about Mmmm bulge? Looks like Taylor Hanson is packing heat in those tight- yet -worn- in jeans. My goodness, is it getting hot in here? That little muppet has certainly grown up, ahem! I never liked the group and that annoying song grated on my last nerve, but just look at the photo and you might find yourself humming along. I stumbled across this photo and wanted to post it for your viewing enjoyment or disgust or fascination. Suddenly I find myself very interested in the band. Hey, Hanson rocks!
 Holy shizzle, batman! Paris Hilton's new baby and ET are like twins separated at birth! It's uncanny. I want an alien dog that can fit in my hand too!
And I will always love crack...
 "Bobbi Kristina....mama needs her meds baby! Boooobbbbbiiiiiii!!!!! Put the Milky Way down and bring mama her medication!" A year after her first reported stay in rehab, Whitney Houston has again checked into a rehabilitation facility. I doubt this is really her second stint in a rehab facility. Please dont joke with us. She's been in and out of rehab more times than I've been in and out of Sephora. "Whitney Houston has re-entered a rehabilitation facility today," her publicist, Nancy Seltzer, told The Associated Press Wednesday. She declined to provide details so I will. Whit's been on everything from crack to smack to crystal meth and heroin and has been seen with multiple bottles of Colt 45 hidden in brown paper bags. Well, being married to the erratic Bobby Brown will do that to you. Brit, take notice or you will be on the fast track to Whitney Houstonville faster than you can say "magic mushrooms". You've already got one big toe in Whitneytown so watch out, girlfriend. The news was first reported by syndicated entertainment TV show "Access Hollywood." And thank goodness it wasn't "The Insider" because of that whole thing surrounding Pat O'Brien. You know. The photos floating around of Pat playing with his weewee. And rumors of him partaking in some extra marital hoochie and of course his addiction to Boones Farm Strawberry wine. Perhaps Pat and Whit can attend group therapy together. And hopefully the on-call dental technician can do something about that yellowed popcorn stuck in her teeth. Gross!
Nice dresses, not!
 It's the battle of the silk shantung sheets! Both Claire Danes and Brittany Murphy are sporting odd fitting gowns at the opening of Marni's Los Angeles boutique. I guess Marni sells crinkly, ugly dresses fashioned out of sheets and accentuated with rope and broaches. Not to mean to Marni but those dresses? Icky. But if she wants to send me a free dress, I'll take it have it altered! Brittany seems to be shrieking, " Ha ha ha! My band-aid colored dress is ugly and I know it! I used to date Ashton Kutcher, hardy har har!" Claire is more demure and is probably wondering why she didn't get her dress hemmed and some false bosoms secured into the top. I wonder if she is next in line for the potato sack race?
Kiss my ring, darling!
 "Mariah Carey made Jennifer Lopez look low-maintence this weekend, when she demanded a red carpet be rolled out for her at 2:15am, just so she could enter a hotel. According to press reports, the large-lunged diva refused to enter the lavish Baglioni hotel in Kensington, London, until a red carpet lined with large white candles had been laid out on the pavement, and had her chauffeur drive her limo around the city until the request was met. "It's not unheard of for us to rush a red carpet out for a guest," the hotel's operations manager admitted. "We're used to dealing with high-profile guests and everyone has their own requirements."
I know the feeling, Mariah. Back in my heyday I insisted a white carpet be rolled out for me with baby powder scented candles. I would not allow my feet to touch pavement unless rose petals were scattered in front of me. I insisted that perfume was sprayed into the air so my nostrils didn't come in contact with any putrid odors. When I was out during inclimate weather, I requested an enormous crystal studded umbrella be held over my highlighted head. Luckily I'm not such a diva anymore.
Breaking up is hard to do...
 I hate to spread rumors but I have a feeling the items in those Barnes and Noble bags are "Divorce for Dummies" and "Women Who Love Their Fathers and the Husbands Who Want to Date Models", a couple copies of "Jessica Simpson's Greatest Hits" cd plus a calendar with puppies and unicorns. Jessica, you didnt get the Daisy Duke role by dressing in Nick's jeans and a pair of sloppy Uggs not to mention the plaid shirt which belongs on LeAnn Rimes along with some cowboy boots and a belt buckle as big as my head. Something is going on. Female intuition tells me that Jessica's private life has run amuck. I sense Jess and Nick, much like the Federlines, are sleeping apart and there is discord in the Simpson/Lachey home. "Newlyweds" has finally come to an end-I mean, theres only so much you can do with Jessica's ignorance and Nick's eyerolling. It's time for Jess and Nick to go their separate ways in pursuit of ...whatever. Can this have something to do with Joe lurking about, peeking through the windows, pushing contracts for reality television shows under the door? Have no fear, in one year from now Jessica and Ashlee will be starring in another reality show about two single girls in the big city, looking for love and fame. ((YAWN))
May I remind you of Gigli, Surviving Christmas and J Lo?
 Ben, just a reminder- I like the Starbucks soy-white chocolate mocha! Thanks. Next time you're headed out to pick up some java, call me! But shave first! On to more important things. My friend in the biz tells me B. Aff is set to make his directorial debut! His project will be the adaptation of the novel Gone, Baby, Gone, written by Mystic River author Dennis Lehane. The film will follow two private detectives (or private dicks, as I like to say) in a working-class Boston, Massachusetts neighborhood who are hired to search for a kidnapped girl. Suddenly I'm having visions of Dakota Fanning, Matt Damon and Casey Affleck. Please tell me Jennifer Garner won't be involved in the movie. Do I need to remind everyone of the bomb that was Gigli? Thats Jee-ly to you. How about that video where Ben kept fondling J. Lo's bikini clad butt? And speaking of the fur- loving Jennifer, her album sales are really low. She's only sold 400,000 albums! That's not enough to keep her swaddled in rare leopard furs and tight white pants much longer. Let's ponder her future as a singer... Benny, as I like to call him, will start shooting the movie in Boston during the fall of this year. He is looking at homes in Nantucket which will be fun to make limericks about. And of course he is one step closer to the Kennedy compound where he can spend summers talking about politics and women with Ted Kennedy.
Cameron Olson
 Doesn't Ashley Olson look so cute? Except for those gigantic banana stilettos and the rolled up newspaper, she looks good. Wait- look a little closer and you can tell by the acne scars and the cranial laceration, its not Ashley but Cameron Diaz imitating an Olson sister wearing a long coat and messy side swept hair. She even has the monkey lips down! But where's the oversized Starbucks cup and large sunglasses? Other than that Cameron, you've got the role of Ashley in the new biographical movie of the twins. Congrats on landing the starring role! Now who is going to play Mary Kate?
Meet my new dog Paris!
 OMG! I cannot believe it! No, I'm not talking about that garish thing in her hand. And I don't mean those oversize white sunglasses or the fact her extensions are four inches shorter or that her hat is ugly. Paris has to pump her own gas? NO WAY. Isn't there someone on the Hilton family payroll to do that? It's almost as bad as the time Kirsten Dunst had to push her own luggage cart through the airport! My heart! The things these poorly treated celebs have to do themselves! Please tell me Paris didn't actually have to wipe her own windshield or I'll have to take a Valium and wash it down with a split of Cristal. And because there are just too many cute Prada togs for dogs these days, Paris had to purchase another mini-dog. And then in a gesture of goodness, she purchased a gnome for the dog to pee on! Awwww, how cute. Don't you love tacky lawn ornaments? And don't you love Paris and her addiction to tiny dogs that can fit in her oversized purses, tucked in between her cell phone and prescription drugs? And don't you love teeny tiny designer sweaters made just for dogs? That's HOT! And personally, I love leather doggie chaps and dogs with nipple clips. Now that is HOT!
Thanks for the love..
Thanks for all the love, the emails, flowers, designer clothes and MAC makeup. I especially loved the Lucky jeans I received! Oh wait...sorry I was having a Starbucks induced out of body moment.. I guess I didnt really get that award for Bloggers beating out Rosie O'Donnell for best new blog? But thanks for the well wishes and the notes you sent. I appreciate it! Im back in business so have no fear! Your daily snarkfest will continue! xo DistressedJeans
Icky Brit!
 Poor Britney! Rumor has it she is fed up with her unemployed dancer husband and the two have been sleeping in separate bedrooms for weeks now! That has nothing to do with the fact Kev doesn't like to bathe or brush his teeth and reeks like the dumpster behind a Chinese food restaurant? My sources indicate that Brit is more than ready to have a family (if she isn't pregnant already(check out the fatty arms and swollen titties) but Kev isn't hip to that idea. During their recent trip to Louisiana, Britney gorged herself on fattening fried foods while Kevin sneered, "Do you want to Super Size that, fatty?" Brit just picked the chicken gizzards from her teeth and shot Kev an angry look, muttering something about taking his ATM card. Britney threw Kevin a birthday party complete with fifteen balloons and a cake, but Mr. Pair A Dice acted angry, even pushing her away when she cooed, "Baby, y'all like the party I throwed for you? Baby did y'all like the cake?" Dressed in a pink blazer and a fedora, the birthday boy was in a grumpy mood and ordered the maid to clear out the cake and balloons. Sheesh! Give the guy a job as a designer and he starts acting like a spoiled diva with an attitude! They then went out with some friends to Justin Timberlake's place Chi for a night of vodka and dancing. I think Brit was hoping to catch a glimpse of JT but he was with Cameron, making sure she was wearing her protective headgear and elebow pads. I smell trouble in paradise along with unwashed clothes and stinky armpits. Looks like the two dirty birds might be having some issues bigger than who has to walk the dog or throw out the dirty diapers! And Britney, I'd like to recommend Clearasil and oil absorbing pads for your bumpy face. You know I love you, but I must say your skin resembles a relief map of California. I hear those pregnancy cravings can be crazy, but try not to consume entire bags of Funyons and canisters of Pringles, washing it down with a six pack of Red Bull and a twelve pack of Pixie sticks. That cannot be good for Cletus Junior! Do you really want to give birth to a half Chihuahua-half Federline creature with an addiction to Cheetos?
Computer died...
Guess what? My computer was the recipient of a horrible virus that destroyed everything! It will be a few days before I reconstruct the blog. boohoo!!
 "Come on, baby. Give daddy some sugar! Mmmmmm. A daddy sandwich with my two purdy girls." and Ashlee is like, "Look. I know my dad is like, totally creepy. I know he whored Jess and I out for those MTV shows. Yes, he used to be a preacher and yes, he comments on Jessica's ginormous boobs and watches me have sex with Ryan "broom hair" Cabrerra in the tour bus. He just grabbed me and I have to take my picture with him so don't make fun of me and please leave me alone."
M & B 4evr
 Theres nothing like a romantic getaway from the stress of life at a spa in Santa Barbara where you can privately frolic with your loved one! Mischa and Brandon enjoy some quality time together, playing in the pool and doing...weird things on a pool chair. Mischa shows off her lovely clavicle and her sternum in a very deep v- necked black bathing suit with ties on the hips while Brandon displays his man boobs and longish hair in the jacuzzi. I would like to take a moment to recommend a hair cut for Brandon who is going for a bloated Elvis impersonation. What a lovely day! Especially when a photographer is zooming in with an enormous telephoto lense capturing your day together. I love being a TV star, don't you? PS. Does Brandon have a job?
Wino forever!
 Winona Ryder has been out of the spotlight for a while. Ever since her five fingered discount at Saks she's been laying quite low. But now she arrives at a Marc Jacobs event wearing a empire waist gown which could only mean one thing: she's hiding something. Under the fancy black high-waisted dress is a baby snuggli filled with a few pairs of socks, a handband, some hair clips, an orange, a 24 ounce bottle of Gatorade, some Orbit gum, a bouncy ball and a pair of ice skates. In her updo you will find a cell phone and a necklace from Claire's. She's always been chesty so I don't think you will find much in her bra but we cannot be too sure. That Winona is rather crafty. We might discover BitBit tucked in there along with a ransom note addressed to Britney and Kev asking for a gift certificate to Nordstrom and a large suitcase.
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