I was having cocktails at the Four Seasons with Dustin Hoffman late Friday night when he turned to me and suddenly blurted out that he wanted a part in the new Willy Wonka movie starring Johnny Depp. "Well," I asked, "Which part do you want? Grandpa Joe?"
"No." he laughed. "I want to be an Oompa Loompa! Look, Im the right size, see?"
And then he got down on his knees and showed me how short he could make himself and I looked at him and I said, "Dustin, Ill make the call. See you at the Chocolate Factory!"
"Yeah, I know I should be thinking hard about the World Economic Forum. But seriously, how can I concentrate knowing Brad is home, waiting for me? Now that he's gotten rid of that bag of bones, he's all mine.
This is going according to plan. People are going to wonder how could I go from a shlub like Billy Bob to a fine specimen like Brad. Oh well, let them talk. I dont care. When have I ever cared? Brad is so...manly. So hot. I dont understand how he ever married that career driven hussy whose biggest claim to fame is being on a tv show. She's never even been to Cambodia for crying out loud! There is not a maternal bone in her body and we all know Brad loves kids.
Hmmm. Maddox Pitt. Has a good ring to it. This might work. We will appear together on the press junket for Mr & Mrs. Smith. Then we can go public later with our romance. I'll bear his children. I dont have six romantic comedies lined up like some people. And Brad and I can go ride our motorcycles together because that other woman was afraid to mess up her hair on the Harley. The world will see Im a much better match for him than she ever was! mwahahahahaha! Brad will be mine. Oh yes. He will be mine."
Everyone has been emailing and sending me telepathic messages regarding Britney in Las Vegas. In case you havent heard, the moment Kevin "Cletus" Federline stuck his white unlaced sneaker over the threshold of the Spearmint Rhino, Britney was there faster than a speeding bullet. Can you imagine the horror- she had to fly coach!- from Los Angeles to Las Vegas. Poor Britney had to suffer the indignity of America West airlines like a common peon, you know, like the rest of us.
And good thing she got there in the nick of time, Cletus was just about to get a lap dance from a big breasted stripper. Whew! That was a close one, y'all. Rumor has it that Brit was all over Cletus and then the two took off like a prom dress at midnight, headed for the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino where all the famous people stay. And yes, Ive been there several times and have gambled the night away in front of a Jimi Hendrix slot machine.
We should take a page out of Brit's book: Keep thy man in line. And out of Vegas strip clubs. And in baggy pants. And drinking Red Bull and eating Cheetos.
This is Eva Oinkford. Remember, the winner of the Americas Next Top Model?
She is totally cute. But whats with her outfit? A crocheted afghan blanket poncho paired with the bottom of my prom dress from 1989? And green gloves? Oh honey.
You know I love individual style and the freedom to express ones self but orange and green? That makes me crave a tangerine and celery sticks. Faux satin? Think: bridesmaids gown.
Poncho and prom dress? Say it aint so, Eva. I personally know Donatella Versace. I was a muse for her long before I led that backpacking expedition through Nepal in 1996.
Let me make the introductions and get you something funky and cool to wear. I never want to see you on my website again unless you are sporting a gorgeous dress that doesnt involve a green bow and a bare stomach with a blue satin clutch bag.
Okay. Im going to share something personal with you. Besides from my girl crush on Angelina (hi honey!), I have a huge crush on this guy. Dr. Hotness from ER. Goran "Croatian Sensation" Visnijc. He is so hot. I say he should lose his trout pout barnacle wife and come to mama.
Can you even imagine if he was a real doctor? Id be going into the ER complaining of rapid heart beats and tingling loins. And Id let him run whatever tests he wanted to on me. Naked.
It makes total sense that Oksana Baul should be at the Raging Bull party. Because..like..Oksana is..and Robert De Niro...okay, I fail to see what she's doing at the party. Who invited her? Is she still skating? Is she still driving her Mercedes into trees in Connecticut?
Anyway, let's check out her shiny spandex-blend-taupe pantyhose. Oksana...dont you know we must suffer for the sake of fashion? Do what I do- be cold, but look good. Forgo the hose.
Lets move on to her rabbit-fox-cougar-chinchilla-mink coat that looks like an animal swallowed her and spit out her head, but kept her hands. Why do people insist on wearing fur coats? Each time you wear a fur, you run the risk of Pamela Anderson popping out of a nearby bush with PETA cohorts and her can of red spray paint.
I'm still not getting the Raging Bull-ice skating link. Unless you recall the time Oksana skated to Scarface on Ice. Oh wait, that was Al Pacino. Now I'm really lost.
Hi Ben. Just wanted to drop you a line and let you know that I thought you were totally cute in Armageddon although I'm not a fan of that kind of movie and I'm not a fan of Bruce Willis.
When you did Pearl Harbor, you were downright hot. But then came the Gigli year when you were Lopez-ed into a Gucci wearing dandy with gelled hair and a waxed face complete with bronzing gel to match your girlfriend. I heard the rumors you insisted on being spritzed with Glo everywhere you went, and wanted white lilies to match your Bentley. I wasnt crazy about you then and I was forced to let the flame of lust die down.
And then you broke up with Jen and your bad movie became a distant memory. I was happy you hooked up with Jen Garner- she is so sweet. Ive known her for years. Although I was miffed she broke up with Scott Foley, because he is so cute. But then you got back to your normal, guy next door persona and I was happy for you. I even started finding you appealing once again.
And then....I came across that photo of you wearing Uggs. Okay, I gave you a break and ignored the fact that you too were buying into the Ugg trend. So what if it looked like you had hotdog buns on your feet. I forgave and forgot. Because you have broad shoulders and you're tall and look really good in loose fitting jeans and you have a great sense of humor.
And then I saw this. You wearing Uggs. Again. In black. And now, I feel there is no excuse. And it looks like you tucked your trousers into the Uggs which is a double no-no in my fashion book. So once again, Im going to bid farewell to my crush on you and move on to someone else. So long, Ben. This is it. Good bye. Im not coming back to you. Okay then. Bye. Bye Ben. See you later. Im really leaving now. Okay. Bye.
Hey there, jiggle kitten! Hard to believe at one point Jessica Simpson was a virginal, innocent, modest, conservative girl. Now she looks like she should be rolling around on the top of a red Camaro in a Whitesnake video circa 1985. She is a big hair bimbo video vixen from a boy band minus the smoke machine and leather pants.
I do not have big boobs, so you must help me out with this- if you have that much boobage, does the average woman want to push them up and out, front and center, wear a leather vest one size too small and show them off like a new pair off diamond earrings? I think a big red arrow pointing to my chest would be less obvious.
And then pair them with a pair of yeast infection inducing, camel toe jeans?
"Jessica, you know, you look like a Playboy bunny minus Hugh Hefner and his robe."
"Really? Oh my Gah! I didnt even know what I was wearing! Silly me! You mean like, this isnt called a sweatshirt? Size S doesnt mean Sweet?"
I just came across this very flattering photo of an Asian eyed Courtney Love. I wanted to post it for your viewing pleasure. But please, folks. Dont stare at it too long or you will develop rectal bleeding and high blood pressure.
Courtney refuses to be a slave to fashion, instead she takes delight in wearing the bed linen dress with a huge rip under the arm. And who says you cant sing and smoke at the same time? ha! She is so talented, she can sing, smoke, belch and swear at the same time, all while appearing in court to prove she is a competent mother.
It was nice of Miss Amanda Peet to invite us all over to sit on her veranda and sip mint juleps. Why, just last week she had me over for the ladies quilting circle where we spoke of her involvement in the prohibition. She whispered in my ear that her uncle made moonshine in the bathtub and then we snuck off to share a sip.
Later we met at the VFW and did the charleston with the McRyan brothers who just came back from the war. Always such a lady, that Amanda. Never wears an improper item of clothing while I left the buttons of my shirt undone and danced in my mothers high heels.
Amanda pursed her lips and shook her head as I took off my cardigan. She was always the more decent one of the two of us. Never shows a hint of her kneecaps or shoulders. Necklines up to her throat. Pearls everyday. That Miss Amanda, she sure is a proper lady.
Im so glad that I found this photo of Kathryn Morris to share with you.
If I didnt have a picture, I would be forced to try to describe her outfit. And what could I say? That its a sundress with a bib in the front? With overall straps and a tropical print over black tights in a rayon blend fabric? It would be too hard to visualize.
Therefore, Im so happy to have the photo right here for your viewing pleasure. Its hard to believe there are stylists for hire in Hollywood, and yet actresses continue to try to dress themselves. With designers like Prada, Marc Jacobs, Betsey Johnson, there is no excuse to be dressing like this. No excuse at all.
SHWING! You know Jack Osbourne is totally stoked to be standing next to Carmen Electra. Hes trying to play if off all cool and everything, but deep down inside hes like, "YES! Carmen is standing right next to me. She bloody wants me! Dave who? She wants a piece of the Jackmeister!"
And then our eyes travel over to poor Courtney Love who looks like she got in a tangle with my Irish linen bed sheets. The addition of a shapeless black cardigan does not do anything to funk up the ill fitting dress which has been hacked along the bottom in an angry attempt to hem it with some hedging clippers.
Her face is looking less and less like the Courtney we used to know and love, this is what happens when you go under the knife too many times. You end up looking like a bloated, boozy Jocelyn Wildenstein and Britney Spears hybrid.
Court, stay home and get some rest. Hire a stylist. Brush your hair and teeth. Lets clean you up. Maybe you and Paula can get a two -for- one stay at Promises?
What a coincidence! I was wearing the same exact dress but paired mine with a string of pearls.
I had my cigarillo in my crystal studded cigarette holder and was vacuuming when my husband walked in the door. I greeted him with a Martini and put some Sinatra on the stereo while I rubbed his feet and lit his pipe. Debra Messing must be inspired by June Cleaver, wouldnt you say?
I do believe she is hiding Jack and Karen under the voluminous skirt portion of her dress. I want to point out that her feet look like long loaves of French bread in those shoes. Not flattering. Im going to have to pass on the outfit. Sorry Deb. Next time how about something a little more fitted?
Kirstie Alley. Gosh, I remember when you were on Cheers and were so pretty. What happened? Middle age happened I guess. And with no access to the outdoors, all you can do is sit at the kitchen table and eat Chips Ahoy and biscuits with gravy. I feel so bad for you and refuse to point out your double and triple chins.
Jennie Craig isnt helping is it, hon? That might be because you simply cannot drink heavy cream and pair your meals with sticks of butter and chocolate icing out of the can. And under no circumstance can you keep eating Fudgie the Whale cakes from Caravel. Sort of defeats the purpose of prepackaged meals. Ill be glad to go over your diet again,Im here to help!
Thats okay, you do not have to buy me flowers. It was my pleasure to do a cameo on your show. It was the least I could do for you.
But I didnt like when John Travolta and Tom Cruise tried to force me into the Scientology bus and made me read L. Ron Hubbard and watch Battlefield Earth. I didnt care for that experience. And then when Jenna Elfman tried to hook me up to that machine...I cant talk about it. Lets just say I now understand what drove you into the arms of Ben & Jerry.
This is Jodie Marsh, a British celebrity.
Clearly she was posing for an Anne Geddes catalogue with two newborn babies stuffed in her bra. You can see their little bottoms poking out of her white shirt, how cute. Dont you love babies? I do.
But then something bad happened. Poor Jodie wet her pants. Yes, its true. So she had to find something else to wear and decided on a pair of overalls which were left in the costume department for the British version of Hee Haw. She left the bib down so that no one could see her wet spot. It could happen to anyone.
And then since it was raining outside, she rolled her pants up so she wouldnt step in a puddle. Its the only reasonable explanation for her outfit.
Anne Heche was discovered in Sundance, wandering around and speaking in her native tongue of Martian dialect. Apparently she had no clue where she was and asked aloud how she got Clydesdale hooves on her legs. She thought perhaps she was half woman, half horse.
But then she caught a glimpse of herself in the reflection of Paris Hiltons sunglasses and wondered how the Pillsbury Doughboy's hat ended up on her head and how a train conducters vest found its way onto her chest?
Besides that, she was confused about how she came to be wearing spandex pants and drew the only resonable conclusion she could: in a dream like state, she had hitched a ride on the Polar Express on the way to Planet Beldar and mistakenly gotten off at the wrong stop.
First and foremost, although Jenny is cute, hasnt anyone else noticed her Leno-esque chin? Okay. With that out of the way, I didnt know that clam diggers and pointy boots paired together were in style?
I think she figured "Why bother with full length pants? Ill just find a pair that ends where my boots begin! Cool! Yeah! Wanna see my nose hair?"
But to me it looks like shes going wading in the river for halibut and grabbed the first pair of shoes she could find which happened to be black boots. Just a word to my fellow fashionistas out there: pants that end below your knee are not flattering. They cut your legs off and create an image that your thighs are chunky sausages.
Jen, may I suggest wearing jeans and please, do not tuck them into your boots. Thats a trend that must die a quick and painless death.
I know, I know. You just thought that by wearing pants that were short, you could avoid the whole tucking-in thing. Wrong. I know fashion can be headache inducing and lots of work but darling, we all must put our best foot forward when cameras are clicking. And that means just say NO to clam diggers.
Phoebe Price at- where else?- Sundance. Phoebs bought the decorative crucifix from the Museum Company and threaded a chain through it, hanging it around her neck, not realizing her long icicle earrings would totally clash with her religious artifact.
I guess she dresses with the motto "Just throw it all together. It doesnt have to match." Yes. Yes it does. Especially when the press is there to take your picture.
The sequined trimmed top paired with the big, plaid, wool newsboy cap? No. And the cap doesnt match the cross and the red jacket clashes with everything. This outfit is five kinds of wrong. Who is her stylist- Ashlee Simpson or Bai Ling? Wait, theres no black. Must be Bai.
"And I, Tara Reid, do solemnly swear to wear a top that covers my chest. I promise to not expose my implants again. I also want to let my fans know I will be wearing underpants and not sleeping around. I swear this as the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me Dr. 90210."
Tara! I almost didnt recognize you wearing a garment that covers your sagging boobies. Thanks for not exposing us to another view of your drooping cow tits. Sorry to be crude, but I call it as I see it.
I applaud the new, demure Tara, however, the blazer reminds me of something my grandma might pair with what she calls "slacks". And she would wear it on her way out to Sunday night bingo along with her Easy Spirits and her oversized plastic clip on earrings with a tissue tucked up her sleeve and a pair of glasses on a chain.
Not to get you down, Tara. This is very positive, it is a huge step in your maturity. Just maybe too big of a leap from dressing as a slutty age 29 to a polyester wearing age 79. You could find a happy medium and cover up, but leave the synthetic fibers to the seniors .
Keep in mind not to wear a jacket that comes with knitted buttons that are as large as coasters. Other than that, I think our little Tara is growing up.
Mischa Barton rings the closing bell at the New York Stock Exchange. My question is this: WHY?
Is it because The OC is associated with Wall Street? Is she really a financial genius (well she is dating the heir to a multi million dollar fortune, she gets points for that). And is that guy on the left checking out her boobs?
Healther Locklear, I know how you feel. Sick. I have the same response when I think of The Simple Life on television tonight. I hate the fact that two spoiled, pampered girls who dont know a real days work take on jobs that enable them to tease, put down and disrespect other people. But thats just me.
Meanwhile, somewhere in California, Paris is counting off one hundred dollar bills as she shops at Fred Segal and spends hundreds of dollars for one cashmere shirt and a crystal studded belt.
And when four a.m. rolls around and she stumbles home from a club doing what I like to call The Walk of Shame, she finally passes out on her pink canopy feather bed and sleeps on a pile of newly minted Ben Franklins.
Gag!
I really dont mean to pick on Brooke Burns. Im sure shes a nice enough girl. But just look at her jacket! It looks like something you would tie around your Irish Setters neck before you head to the park to play frisbee on a spring day.
And again with the boots! I guess theres not much you can do with jeans and boots but Im getting really tired of seeing every single person tuck their pants into their footwear. I buy boots that I can wear under my jeans. Skinny boots. Flared pants. Its a good combo. I suggest these Sundance snowbunnies try it out.
Is Ashlee Simpson really earning enough money to purchase an LV bag? Has her album really sold so many copies that she can be eating at trendy LA restaurants and wearing designer jeans? And wearing donkey tail hair extensions? Wow. Then Im in the wrong business.
Maybe I should try cutting my own album. I pretty much place myself on the same par as those American Idol rejects when it comes to singing. But who knows? If Ashlee can not only make records, but have her own TV show, then whats holding me back? Well, except a huge lack of acting and singing ability although that clearly doesnt stop some people.
Anyway, Ashlee must keep up with Jessica, Pam, Britney and Paris and carry around her own Louis Vuitton doggie carrier. Its just tres chic in Hollywood to use a puppy as an accessory. Everyone is doing it, arent you? I am. But instead of a dog in my carrier, I keep Verne "Mini Me" Troyer in there.
And I dont want to fail to mention Ashlee's jeans tucked into her sheepskin trimmed Uggs. Please tell me, WHEN will that trend be over?
Were your ears burning, Shannen? I was just talking about you.
I see that you and your ex, Rick (he of the Michelin Man vest), are back together. Listen, if he invites you back up to his room to either view a movie that he has made, or partake in the creation of some amateur film-making, I strongly suggest you say "No thank you".
"One Night In Shannon" doesnt have quite the same catchy ring to it as "One Night In Paris".
Paula, I would just like to remind you to leave the Vicodin/Ativan bottles at home. And is that really soda you're drinking? I find that you seem a little out of it lately, thats a polite way of saying you seem wasted.
There must be a reasonable excuse why your speech is slurred and why your eyes are half open throughout the show. And naturally, I believe your awful fashion choices must be drug induced, what other explanation is there for tube tops and heavy gold necklaces and earrings that rest on your clavicle?
Not to mention your gelled, moused and hair sprayed pompadour that is slicked back on the sides with DippityDo and held in place with an army of bobby pins. How about the Wet N' Wild eyeshadow palette in "Frosted Olive"? And the Lip Smackers in "Purple Pearl"?
And Simon has complained to me on occasion of your heavy dousing of Parfumes de Cour in the imitation White Diamonds scent.
Ben Affleck highly recommends Promises if you're having...troubles. And as usual, my offer to guest judge still stands. Ill be more than happy to fill in for you at any time. I dont have singing experience, talent nor do I know a thing about carrying a tune but I can come up with some pretty snarky comments if given the chance.
How many cases of genital warts between the two of these people? Care to guess? Come on, its like guessing how many jelly beans are in a jar!
Other questions on my mind: Is the tongue on Paris' shirt really pointing to Pam's belly, sending us a subliminal message about bi-sexuality? Why does Pam look so dazed and haggard? And why does Paris always cock her head to one side? Its like her brain is too heavy to hold upright. Not that Im passing judgement or anything. Maybe she does have an unusually hefty noggin, its possible I suppose.
And Pam, I havent heard from you since that mini-dog took up residence in your bra and you took up with Stephen Dorff. Seems like youve given up distressedjeans in favor of hohilton. And thats short for hotelhilton, by the way. Not like, a ho. That would just be mean.
Wow, Christina. Nice boobs on parade. Your head is the size of one of your breasts. I like your "distressed jeans" though.
I personally dont care for the shirts that are tight on top and then flare out like a maternity top. I avoid anything that makes it look like I might be pregnant or hiding something in the back pockets of my jeans. Or toting a small child in my oversize leather bag.
Christina, I would love to wipe that scarlet lipstick off and apply a subtle frosty pink. I would also let your hair down and color it a darker shade of golden blonde. But all that aside, Im happy for you- I hear an engagement will be announced soon.
And good for you. You didnt go for a Cheeto eating, Red Bull swigging, track suit wearing rapper wanna be who has already fathered a couple of kids and is living off your millions. Not that I know anyone who fits that description.
Clomid to Britney...stat!
Because Britney Spears has still not gotten pregnant by hubby Kevin Federline, who has already fathered two children with his previous partner, Shar Jackson, the singer is worried that she may have a fertility problem. "She's afraid it's her fault they're not pregnant yet," a source told Star magazine. "But Britney says if she's not pregnant by the end of January, she'll go see a fertility specialist for help. She doesn't care about the cost."
Heres Shannon Doherty, ready to put up her green fisted dukes and fight Paris Hilton in case the name "Rick Soloman" should come up during one of the many parties at Sundance. Yeah, Robert Redford might have to break up a good old fashioned cat fight...meow!
If you dont know what Im speaking of, let me refresh your memory. Rick and Shannon were married, then divorced after a short time of wedding un-bliss. Then Rick got this great idea to hide a nanny cam in his bachelor pad. When Paris asked what the teddy bear on top of the dresser was for, he just laughed and told her to turn to the right and tilt her shoulders back a little and face the bear with her top off.
Fast forward and now One Night In Paris is a cult hit among fans of cheap, home-made porn.
And Shannon is probably breathing a sigh of relief because imagine if she was still married to him when this happened? Oh the scandal!
Neat-o. I had no idea that Jennifer Lopez also shopped at Shabby Chic. Does Rachel Ashwell know that her floral linens are being used to swathe the singer in a makeshift dress?
I swear, any of us could do the exact same thing with a fabric remnant, although the sleeves are a little bit tricky. You need to use lots pins and clips. Then you need to belt a couple of yards of floral fabric with brown leather regardless of the colors in the material.
And if the material is not sewn together and you happen flash your private parts for all the world to see, no one will really care because the entire population of MTV watchers have already seen Ben Affleck lustfully caress your butt on a yacht in your video.
And Im really talking to Jennifer Lopez unless theres someone else out there who let Ben touch their butt cheeks (hey Jen Garner, Im talking to you!).
Im not quite sure if Im comfortable wearing a dress that could double for a curtain, a table cloth and a shower curtain. But the boots are cool.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest heiress of them all? Like, totally!
Why, look who else just happens to be in Sundance? And Im telling you, its not to watch the films. Apparently its to gaze longingly into a mirror and practice her one eyed pout.
And my trusty sources (who failed to score me tickets to the affair) tell me that Paris was busy scooping up the free gifts for the attendees. All right, like she needs free gifts? She could buy her own movie studio and she's enjoying the goodie bags?
I dont even think Paris knows what Sundance is all about, no offense to the Hilton clan but she is three sandwiches short of a picnic basket, you know what Im sayin? Of course Nicky is there too. Because there are some raging parties and lots of young men around. And thats what Sundance is all about.
Ricky Martin is shaking his bon bon in front of a dotted backdrop at a club. See, when the night winds down and its last call, the curtain is placed on the dance floor and the entire club takes place in a raunchy game of Twister.
He gives the place two thumbs up and a snap. I dont mean to be offensive but this photo makes Ricky look a little...happy, if you know what I mean and I think you do.
Same shizzle, different day.
Brooke is determined to make the pearls and Louise Brooks hairdo work for her. The only difference between today and yesterday is the color of the shirt and the fur coat. And again, WHY is Brooke Burns at Sundance? Along with such luminaries as Jenny McCarthy, Carmen Electra and Pammy Anderson. What a bevy of brilliant stage and screen legends. Wish I was there. *sniff*
Running with the theme of cinamatic splendor at Sundance, we see Pamela Anderson, trying to hide under an enormous scarf/blanket and furry moon boots carrying a huge leather bag that would make Mary Kate Olsen weep with envy. I would like to take a moment and point out that she is wearing boots that will look like matted dogs when she inadvertently steps in slush, after all, hello!
This is Utah, people. There is snow. And its wet and does not mix well with white fox fur boots. All she needs is to have Ashton Kutcher drive by with his big truck, splashing her with dirty water from a puddle in the road.
Note how Pammy curled her hair for the outdoor activities but neglected to touch up her roots. I see how Pam could have been invited to attend, after all, you dont have to be a rocket scientist to appreciate the theatric masterpiece and acting excellence of Baywatch. I can see the thread however tenuous, that binds Batwatch and VIP to the highly acclaimed Sundance Film Festival.
Again, why wasnt I invited? DONT THEY KNOW WHO I AM?
Okay, what is Jenny McCarthy doing at the Sundance Film Festival? And why is she doing the pee-pee dance?
I thought this was a showing of independent films that were of a certain intellectual level. I suppose arm-pit farts, belches and nose boogers are always in fashion whether at Cannes or Sundance.
Thus, Jenny in Utah to celebrate all bodily functions as well as excellence in amatuer movie making. I totally get the connection.
Remember when Brooke Burns hosted that show, Dog Eat Dog? And she was blonde and hot?
Well, post break-up from Bruce Willis she hacked her hair and dyed it brown. Or she dyed it brown while she was dating Bruce. In an effort to make her more Demi-like, he asked her to please color her hair dark brown and then he proceeded to don plastic gloves and applied Feria haircolor to her blonde locks. Then they broke up.
And then she cut it with her manicure scissors. And then she added Grandmas pearls and tucked her jeans into her boots which is a trend I cannot stand right there along with the UGGs that everyone but me is wearing right now. I prefer a ballet flat, or for Sundance, a pair of red faux alligator skin boots with my jeans OVER them. Except I wasnt invited to Sundance even though Im totally full of talent and full of myself. But I digress.
Look at Brooke Burns now. Gone is the gorgeous blonde. Now she looks like Parker Posey from Youve Got Mail. Now Parker Posey is cute and all, but Brooke Burns as Parker Posey is not.
Jeff Foxworthy would be so proud! YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK if you wear an ugly hat with a hideous scarf around it and leave your shirt unbuttoned. But who is he kidding? Kid Rock aint no redneck. He's a wealthy guy brought up in upper class Detroit!
Right now, do you think Britney Spears is looking at Kid Rock saying, "Y'all, I like totally messed up. Kid Rock is like, such a hottie. I shoulda held out for him with his long hair and his little paunchy tummy. Dang Cletus! Gimme another bag'a Cheetos!"
For goodness sake, Bob Richie, button your darn shirt and tuck that shizzle into your pants! The only acceptable reason to leave your shirt wide open is if you have like, totally hard abs, Im talking a nice rippling six pack, not...like what you have which I like to call a party keg belly.
And you do have one thing in common with Kevin Federline. You both are in need of a facial hair stylist. Ever hear of something called a Razor? Let me send you my Sally Hansen Wax strips and just follow the directions on the side of the box. Oh, and how could I forget? Long, thin hair is never a good look for a guy approaching middle age. Thats not even a mullet. Thats like an ...ullet. Get it cut, homeslice!
Dear Distressed Jeans,
Thank you for the letter you mailed me urging me to stop sleeping on park benches wearing my overcoat. I did get a little tired of waking up with pigeons nesting on my back and squirrels digging into my pocket for my...nuts.
I appreciate the box of Crest Whitestrips you mailed me, as you can see, I used them. What got to me was when you said it looked like I steeped my teeth in a cup of Earl Gray. I used those Whitestrips every day as you directed.
I also wanted to let you know that I did use the Neet Hair Care removal to get rid of unwanted facial hair. It felt pretty good. And it was super nice of you to give me that coupon for the Bliss Spa. I went and had a full body wax and my first shower in months. I forgot what it was like to actually wear deodorant and wear a clean pair of boxers, what a feeling. I havent felt this clean since...Uma.
As you mentioned, I got rid of my trucker hat and plaid jacket for the premiere of my movie although I kept my John Deere cap and hunting shirt for the Knicks game. Thanks for all your advice regarding hygiene and skin care but I must draw the line at changing my name from Ethan Hawke to Ethan Dove.
But thanks.
EH
Kelly emailed me this photo of the guests at Mar-A-Lago. I felt feverish when I saw this particular picture of Gal Reynolds and Star Jones.
I so wish I could have been at that reception to throw ice cubes at the back of Star's head. Look, I havent told you about when I was invited to Star's wedding. I wanted to bring my best friend and she refused to let me because my buddys name wasnt on the GUEST LIST. I was so annoyed, wouldnt you be?
To get even, I mailed her Correctal laxatives and a box of adult diapers. Al called me to chat 'gal to gal' but I wouldnt speak because I knew I was on speaker phone.
How did I know that, you ask? Well, I could hear Star wheezing in the background. And then I heard the toilet flush and I knew my gift was a success.
It was amazing..or so I hear. Too bad I was busy co-chairing a charity event in the Caribbean and couldnt make it to the Trump Wedding. I hate being pulled in so many directions but you know, I just cant be everywhere at once. I had to turn down a guest judge spot on American Idol, but after seeing Crazy Camel Toe Mary, I dont feel so bad.
Donald did call me the night before the big event and I assured him that Melania was a lovely girl and yes, he was making the right choice.
I hope Donald doesnt mind that I purchased a wooden monkey basket from TJ Maxx as a wedding gift and sent it along with my friend, Kelly Ripa. I just didnt happen to have an extra six thousand dollars laying around to purchase a single white-gold spoon.
However, I fully expact a handwritten thank you note from Melania. It was a totally bitchin' bowl. Who needs an eight thousand dollar vase that will end up as a toilet paper holder when a twelve dollar bowl really says you care?
Gosh, Jennifer Lopez's hair extensions look really nice dont they? The shirt..pretty color, but I would suggest maybe a size medium instead of petite. I like my own shirts to cover the overflow of blubber on my waist, when Jen sits down Im sure she will see my point.
The fit of those pants..so flattering. And the way the pants just progress right into the shoes is rather interesting. There is no beginning or ending to the capri pants, they are part of the shoe/sandal combo. She went to the cobbler and had him attach her pinstriped trousers to her gladiator boots for an inspiring fashion statement.
Instead of being cutting edge and funky and hip, Jennifer looks like she has not one but two prosthetic legs. Odd fashion choice. I'll give this one two thumbs down.
Its true. Nicole Kidman took a photo of Jack Nicholson to her waxer and indicated she wanted her eyebrows to tilt upwards, "Like Jack. Or Christian Slater." She was very clear with the instructions.
With her brows now shaped into devilish arches, she looks evil, the exact persona she is hoping to introduce to the public on the arm of that guy, Stephen Bing. Who is the father of Elizabeth Hurley's son, Damian, which is the name of a hellion from a horror movie, are you seeing the connection people?
Two weeks ago I saw Nic, and she was stuffing a velvet pouch full of potions and elixirs and chanting something I couldnt understand. I watched as she lit candles wearing a long black robe. Her eyes rolled into the back of her head as her body shuddered and collapsed. The next time we came face to face was at the Golden Globes where she had a peacock feather stuck in the strap of her dress. I didnt want to ask her what it meant but I think shes up to something. Stay tuned.
I just received a photo of the new Vogue with Melania Knauss on the cover in her wedding dress. Look, this is pretty hush-hush, so I would appreciate the following information staying right here.
Upon announcing her engagement to Donald Trump, Melania flew down to Mar-A-Lago on the TrumpJet and proceeded to rip the silk curtains from the windows of the estate. She then hopped aboard the TrumpCopter, back to New York City where the very thrifty Melania grabbed her sewing kit and piece by piece fashioned those curtains into flowing bridal wear that would put Vera Wang to shame.
She then tightly gathered the fabric in random handfuls and stapled it in bunches. She went to the Bra & Corset shop to have a custom made undergarment created so she could tighten the top of the gown in order to show off her bosom. She did not want her breasts and waist to get lost under all the silk folds.
She hired Marla Maples to hand-stitch clusters of sequins and beads on the dress- all fifteen yards of it. Im telling you right now, that Melania is one special gal.
Donald even made the proclaimation that this marriage will work because he will not be having any girlfriends on the side. If that proves untrue, Melania can always smother the other women with the ample silk from her gown.
Its a harsh, harsh world out there, people. Can you believe Nicole Richie has to carry her own vitamin water? Its unbelievable.
Why should she have to shlep around her own purse and bottle when her perfectly fine assistant is behind her, trailing with her garment bag and dry cleaning. Whats wrong with her, cant she carry both in one hand so poor Nicole doesnt have to hold her purse, leather bag and water?
Nicole is clearly buckling under the confines of two bags. She shouldnt have to strain herself doing trivial things. Huh! Carry her own stuff? Preposterous! This girl needs another assistant, pronto. Another one to walk behind the first assistant.
Personally, I enjoy having a parade of helpers behind me, as I herald my arrival down the street with trumpets and streamers. My assistants carry things like keys and lipstick, another one carries my sunglasses and bags from Fred Segal, someone else carries my purse and hand sanitizer.
Why should I have to tire my arms with such petty items when three people can share in the thrill of holding my necessities? Nicole, get a clue. Youre just not Someone unless you have more than one assistant. The more people you have to boss around, the bigger the star you are.
Before viewing this photo of Richard Simmons,I would like you to remove all small children and pets from the room. It may be necessary to digest a muscle relaxer and an anti-nausea medication before your eyes adjust to the pupil bursting color of the tank top and itty bitty candy cane striped shorts.
The only thing between him and us is a very thin layer polyster, frightening, isnt it? Please take note of the thick leg-warmer-esque socks and white tennis shoes as well as his smooth, waxed legs.
Id like to point out when your afro curls start to resemble wisps of cotton candy floating around your head, it might be time for a haircut.
Can you believe he is still around, sweatin to the oldies and doing his deal-a-meal like a spaz on on a sugar high? He was a bit freakish twenty years ago, now his high pitched shriek causes my ear canals to swell.
Have you ever noticed that some "stars" fail to go away, even long after the flame of celebrity has been forcefully blown out and the Hollywood Squares have ceased calling your agent for a guest spot and the Surreal Life wont answer your calls, prefering instead the "big" stars like Flava Flav and Gary Coleman.
Mischa, nice stance.
When the cameras are flashing, stand with your feet as far apart as you can get them and thrust your bony shoulders forward. This will enable your dress to slide forward and bunch unflatteringly in the front.
For such a pretty girl, Mischa, you have horrendous posture. Have you been trying to copy Maggie Gyllenhall with her patented Celebrity Slump?
Darling, stand up straight and hold your head high, sculpted chin out. Feet together, turn your wrist inward so it doesnt appear that you have carpal tunnel syndrome. Tummy in. Turn slightly so you dont meet the camera head on. Instantly better. See, all those years as a stylist have finally paid off.
Britney loves gas station bathrooms, but then again, dont we all?
There is nothing like the dank, urine odor of a Chevron lavatory. And the paper towel dispenser that always seem to run low? Awesome! The damp floor and the pubic hairs on the toilet seat? She cant get enough of it. The slightly warped mirror hanging over a cracked sink with stray hairs and cigarette ashes in the drain? She lives for that. The one ply toilet paper? Uh, is there any other kind?
Personally, I enjoy using the bathroom at Burger King or Dennys where the hot pink soap sits in the soap dispenser smelling sickeningly pungent and the hot air hand dryer doesnt do jack to dry my hands, thus forcing me to use a toilet seat cover to wipe my wet hands on where it promptly falls to shreds in my still damp hands.
But I dont think Britney worries about such trivial matters. Normally, she likes to use Slappys Port a Potty but in a pinch she will have her driver pull into a gas station where she can obtain the key from a cashier and proudly walk into the bathroom while anxious paparazzi capture her usually shoeless entry into the Ladies Room.
And then she proceeds to return the key where she picks out snack packs of pork rinds and Slim Jims and a carton of Marlboro Lights and a couple cans of Mountain Dew. Gosh, I wish I was a trillionaire like Britney. Ahhh, living the good life. Champagne wishes and corn nut dreams...
Oh Britney!....
From The Boston Herald http://thetrack.bostonherald.com/moreTrack/view.bg?articleid=64136
Quote:
Wayward pop tart Britney Spears, caught shopping in a trendy La-La baby boutique the other day, told the store's staff she's nine weeks pregnant, Sky News reports. Looking every bit the blushing NASCAR bride, Mrs. Kevin Federline was snapped by paparazzi earlier this week dressed in a pink belly shirt sans proper undergarments in the swanky Babystyle shop in downtown Los Angeles. Coochie coochie coo!
Though no official announcement has been issued from Britney's press peeps, her pregnancy would hardly be a surprise. Besides buying chandeliers for the nurseries of her pampered pooches, Spears has spent her self-imposed break posting ``Letters of Truth'' to her fans which gush over her desire to be a mommy. ``The only thing I haven't done so far is experience the closest thing to God and that's have a baby,'' she wrote in her Nov. 1 missive. ``I can't wait.''
Well, perhaps, Brits should try to be a better dog mommy before she brings on the babies. In this week's Star, sources say Britney's trio of chi-chi canines, Lacy, Lucky and Bit Bit, have free reign to pee and poop all over Chez Federline! ``Britney doesn't seem bothered by it,'' said the Star source. ``She doesn't even clean it up properly. She just blots the soiled carpets with some paper towels. She doesn't even use a cleaner.''
Well, what does one expect from a woman who finds gas station potties appealing??? Babies' bottoms need more than a blot with a paper towel! ``Kevin's closet is filled with dog poop,'' said the poop snoop. ``It's a beautiful house, but visitors are shocked that Britney and Kevin don't clean up after their dogs.''
Not every man would be willing to don a bright red spandex one piece but Will Ferrell is game to try anything (trust me, I was at a party with him once...crazy shit went down that night). The red really isnt so far off from the yellow tights he donned in Elf.
Who else would willingly dress up to look like either a gigantic sperm or a bobsledder, but theres Will, happily showing of his man boobs and camel toe. Can you for one moment conjure up an image of lets say, Brad Pitt or maybe Orlando Bloom wearing an equally outrageous costume? Let me think for a moment and ponder the images...hee hee!
Its a great look for ya, Will! Something I think-and others will agree- that only you can get away with.
Natalie Portman, you are cute as a button. In Garden State, you were positively gorgeous, even though we know you have had a nose job.
So, being as cute and pretty as you are, why did you let Mary Kate Olsen dress you for the Golden Globes? She of the frumpy, long, voluminous skirts and messy hair and ill fitting clothes. Have you seen her lately? You are wearing the very large dress she was seen in only a few days ago wearing a floor length sweater/ robe combo and Chinese slippers.
You could have had a darling little Versace or something tailored to fit you like a pea pod and you decide on the table skirt from Pottery Barn? No no!
All we need is a needle and thread to lift and gather the extra fabric. We could chop off the ruffles and give it to someone else to wear as a shrug to Salsa dance in. We can hem the skirt, lift the sequin belt ...voila! A nice little dress for nice little Natalie. Call me, hon! We'll go shopping for the Academy Awards together!
Lisa Marie Presley is gonna kick your ass, man! A girl doesnt line her eyes with molten lava and apply vermillion lipstick for nothing.
Just look at the gleam in her eyes. Given the opportunity, shes ready to rip off the cape and take you down, down to Chinatown, if you know what Im saying. Lisa appears a tad rough around the edges doesnt she? I think she has a set of brass knuckles in her pocket and a chain in her purse in case a rumble breaks out during the Golden Globes after party.
You cant see it in the photo, but she was trailed by a smoke machine, kicking up clouds of black around her. AC/DC played "Back in Black" as she strutted down the Red Carpet giving the stink eye to Star Jones, cracking her knuckles and touching the knife hidden in her bra in case anyone dared to make eye contact with her.
Im a little pressed for time right now, I have an important meeting shortly, but I would like to point out that Nicky Hiltons skin is a color not usually found in natural flesh tones. While I appreciate a healthy glow, I find that a burnt sienna hue is not flattering to anything except perhaps a butternut squash.
Look at the contrast in the skin between Nicky and her man, Kevin. Nicky, I would like to ask you to please dye your hair to a light brown and leave your skin alone. Doesnt the fact that you wake up to orange sheets in the morning scare you? Your skin must be flaking off at an alarming rate at this point. Your face is seriously the color of the autumn leaves in New England.
Believe me, Nicky, if you dye your hair back to a lighter shade, we WILL be able to tell you and Paris apart. Trust me. Shes the one with the butt like a pancake and the shoulders that tilt backwards like wings. And the size 11 feet. And oh, yeah, that sex video. And that other sex video.
Why, I didnt realize that Paris and Nicole were Simese twins, joined at the hip and sternum, respectively. I feel terrible now, making fun of Paris like I have been. Oh well. And it continues...
Paris, thank you for covering up and at least attempting to look demure in your egg yolk yellow cocktail dress, better suited to the lounge at the Rainbow Room than a party. At this point, you cant fool us but thank you for at least trying to show us you can do "middle age debutante chic".
Id like to know if you have a spinal problem where you must thrust you chest out and your shoulders back? If your chiropractic health is an issue, I have a wonderful doctor I could send you to.
Nicole, please dont lose anymore weight. With that being said, I really like your hair and think you look very pretty.
Wait a second- theres a party and Tara isnt around to complete the troika of party girls? Hold on just one second, something is terribly wrong!
 ouch! Paula, why are you doing this to yourself? Please, for your own safety and the safety of others, put the whalebone corset down and walk away. Are you into inducing pain to yourself? Why else would you wear an outfit that cuts into your skin and presses your breasts inward? Ouch! Oh Paula. Your skin is bulging out of your top like an overstuffed sofa. Please buy a dress that doesnt compromise your ability to breathe. I want you to be comfortable Paula. Working with Simon is probably more punishment than you deserve, wearing that top is just taking it too far. Love thyself, Paula.
Did you think there was going to be a party within a one hundred mile radius of Tara and she wasnt going to crash it? Well OF COURSE she wasnt going to lose out on the chance to parade her two very own golden globes around town!
She slicked back her hair, put on a low cut dress to showcase her d-cups, and popped up hoping to get her groove on. I do love the color of her dress, very pretty emerald green that really sets off the shine of her oily skin.
Did you think there was going to be free liquor and she wasnt going to come around like a junkyard dog sniffing out a bone? This is the girl who advertises herself in the yellow pages under the following listing :
Party Girl, Professional: Will work for beer. Will bring low cut pants, ample cleavage and cigarettes. Can hold liquor. All night? Not a problem, no extra charge. For references please call Paris Hilton.
"Mom, I dont think I can smile, my face is too taut, my epidermis is going to crack. I shouldnt have listened to you and gone to the surgeons office for another face lift and dose of botox. I cant move my face!"
"Shut up, Melissa, Ive had it done twenty times before. You dont think this is uncomfortable for me? We have to suffer for beauty. Look at me! Im 107 years old and I look 60.
The other day, I had my entire face replaced with skin from a corpse and sandblasted. Ive got so much skin pulled from my face that Ive got permanent staples behind my ears. Ive had so much botox that I cant smile without hurting my cheeks, my nose has been rebuilt with the cartilage from a shark and I dont even have my original ears or eyebrows.
At the end of the day, I have to sleep in a oxygen infused chamber and go to the plastic surgeons office for a daily tune up where he takes a welding tool and melts the age spots off my skin. Every day, Melissa, he examines me under a microscope and resurfaces any wrinkle or blemish.
Its true. Im the first Jewish Bionic Geriatric in the world. Now lets go and annoy these celebs with their lousy dresses and Ill pretend to know who Im talking to while you just roll your eyes and laugh at me, okay Melissa?"
Pappy used to whittle wood in the garage behind the house where I would sit and let the curled wood slip between my fingers.
Somehow, Mary Hart got a hold of the wisps of wood from Pappys shop and glued them, piece by piece to her head. Mary, how could you?
That was fresh pine from the trees in Pappy's yard. I might have to issue a warning to you Mary, please dont get too close to a candle or your hair will become kindling and the rest of the Golden Globers will gather around to warm their manicured hands on your head.
Why, looked who clawed out of the pits of Jurassic Park! Its Bridezilla in her scaly, reptilian frock complete with sharp, talon- like toenails.
If I hear this woman say one more time, "Break a leg! My fingers are crossed for you! (legs are crossed for Al, hardy har har) or Get your party on!" Im going to seriously hurl my chicken taco into my solid gold toilet.
Aloud, I kept saying "Oh Geez! This woman has got to go!" Such a brown noser. Sometimes shes at a loss for words and I think she just spits out whatever the producers are telling her in her ear-piece. Awful! Blech! Gag!
I would take the sharp tongued Kathy Griffin over Star Jones anyday. Did you notice how Star kept her arm over her stomach every time she had to speak to someone? My body language expert, Miss Stephanie of the Farty Frock Society, told me it meant Star is closing herself off from whoever she was speaking to.
Next year, I want to be on the red carpet. You better believe I wouldnt be falling over myself, gushing at the stars and batting my heavily fringed eyelashes at anyone.
Except of course, Angelina Jolie. And maybe Goran Visnijc from ER.
Blech! Kevin Federline, are you out of your cotton pickin' mind? Still have the corn rows. Tsk tsk. Im assuming you dont wash your hair, letting the scalp oils fester so your white knit cap can collect more fungus. Dude, you scare me.
I can so easily imagine you knocking back the beers, blowing cigarette smoke out of your nostrils and picking your teeth with your pinky nail while watching COPS. And in the image, you have on a stained white wife beater and youre in boxers and black knee socks.
And furthering the image, Britney comes in looking bloated and pale, holding two green snot nosed kids, Cletus Jr. and Cooter Lynn.
Let me shake my crystal ball...I see a rusted, wood paneled station wagon parked in front of a double wide in the backwoods of Louisiana.
Britney and her dad, Jamie.
Wow, her parents really went out a limb to name their daughter, Jamie Lynn. How creative. Both parents first names! Britney Lynn, Jamie Lynn, Kevin Lynn. Oops just kidding about that last one. We know he is Kevin Earl "Cletus" Federline. But dagnabbit, Britneys baby will have the middle name of Lynn for sure.
I hope this photo finally settles the ongoing question, Are her boobs real? Are they really that big? No. Clearly if her melons were store bought, they would be tumbling out of her white halter top like horses out of the gate.
Brit, Id like to introduce you to technology where you dont have to wear big black foam pads on your ears. From Radio Shack, you can purchase a tiny pair of earphones that will snugly fit in your inner ear!
I see the red string on your wrist meaning you are still studying Kabbalah. And hows that working for you?
First of all Star, zebra prints are not your friend.
And Joan Collins, I see you are being stored in the same formaldahyde jar as Jeremy Irons, brought out for the awards ceremony. Joan, ask yourself this: is kabuki makeup really "in" in this part of the world? Your frosted bronze eyeshadow does little to enhance your baby powder white face and strawberry lipstick. And although your face is pulled tighter than the strings on a violin and powdered to the extreme, we all take note of your liver spotted chest.
Poeple, are you planning on watching the Golden Globes this evening? Then be prepared for hours of Star Jones Reynolds. Hours of her kissing celeb butt as she gasps for air and talks about Al. Or who we in the biz call: Gal Reynolds.
Do you all recall the Emmy awards? Let me refresh your memory.
"Hey baby! Look! Its Debra Messing! *gasp, wheeze* Debra, how are you honey? Are you coming to my wedding? Have you meet my Al? Isnt he cute? *gasp, wheeze*
Oh its my girlfriend, Omarosa! Hey honey! Hows the best thang in television? *gasp, wheeze* I just love you, girl! You coming to my wedding? Its going to be so amazing! *gasp, wheeze*
Kim Catrall! Over here, come say hi to me! Girl, I just love you on Sex and the City, you are the best actress on tv! *gasp, wheeze*. Kim, did you finish organizing my wedding shower? You know its being sponsered dont you? And I want fresh tulips flown in from Holland and wine FedEx'ed from France, right? *gasp, wheeze* My wedding is the biggest even tof the year, right Al? Al!! Im talking to you!
*gasp, wheeze* Heres Donald Trump! Hey Donny, you coming to my wedding? I love The Apprentice, its the best show on tv! And did you see I registered for that solid gold, ten thousand dollar toilet plunger? I better be getting it, Donald! *gasp, wheeze*"
And this is the part where she inches towards the camera, her eyes glowing red and belches out,
"NO PANTS AT MY WEDDING. NO CAMERAS. NO SWITCHING PLACE CARDS AND NO SUBSITUTE GUESTS." and her head spins around like Linda Blair and her hair stands on end like Medusa and then everything settles and the big black fart cloud that hovers over her settles back into place.
You get the idea. And we, the viewing public, are being subjected to this again? Wasnt once enough?
I have a fabulous idea. Hey E! channel, how about hiring moi to host? I dont kiss butt, I can breathe without laboring for oxygen intake, I wont hog the craft services table, and I dont talk about myself. I think the choice is a no brainer.
 Its Brad Pitt and Jane "I never cut my hair" Seymour. Brad, have you felt the vibes Ive been sending? Did you know Ive been holding a candle-light vigil for you since the big announcement? Ive been to my faith healer three time and have lit holy candles and have consumed nothing but Kabbalah water for you, Brad. I wont mention her name, but have you spoken with Hennifer Baniston? Is there any hope at all?
Ashley Olsen, I know how cold it can get in New York City, remember I used to live there?
Nice hat, Im digging the ear flaps. Personally, I rather have cold ears than don an Elmer Fudd cap, but Im glad you feel free enough that you can buck the dictating fashion trends.
And Im so used to seeing you with a tall Starbucks non fat, no sugar, half soy, one Sweet n Low, half caf, no foam latte that I do believe its stuck to your hand with crazy glue.
I like your enormous blue purse. It probably costs more than my mortgage payment. And Ill bet its stuffed with $500 dollar bills and credit cards with no limits. Im drooling.
Seriously, doesnt it throw off your body weight to carry around something thats the same size as you? Ever try carrying a smaller purse? Or smiling?
This is an especially attractive photo of Bruce Willis. Did you know he works part time as a crossing guard at his daughters school?
Yeah, thats where the orange vest comes from, its a standard issue private school system uniform.
What? You think he would choose to wear a brightly colored vest of his own accord? Oh no! Silly you!
Actually it was a gift from Ashton Kutcher last Christmas.
I know its hard to believe but this is Ashlee Simpson, a blonder, bustier, prettier version of the black haired, punky wanna be that we have been seeing quite a lot of lately.
One day, Father Joe pulled her aside and whispered in her ear, "I'll get you your own reality show if you dye your hair black and warble your voice a little." Meanwhile, rubbing his hands together and laughing "Jessica is my golden girl! Now that Ashlee's hair is black, Jessica is going to get all the attention! My dear big busted Jessica! My virgin daughter! Mwahahaha!"
Anyone else find it strange that the mother is never seen? That Jessica being a virgin was common knowledge but no one cares about Ashlee's status? That Jessica is perpetually tan and blonde and "dumb" while Ashlee is portrayed as the bad girl?
Was it Joe who messed up the audio mix on the fateful night of the Saturday Night Live taping? Is it Joe who dresses his daughter in clothes that dont match and hair styled in a mullet? Is he nudging boxes of Raven Wing Black hair dye towards Ashlee? Is he the one telling her she can sing, meanwhile, his eyes glaze over as Jessica attempts to sing in a breathy, baby voice directed towards her daddy? ugh!
Whitney Houston cries out, "Help me! Help me! I need some more crack, baby! Bobby, you there? Bobby? Bobbi Kristina, you wanna help mama?"
Remember the Whitney of years gone by, the pretty, white toothed, smooth skinned singer with a voice that could call the angels from heaven? Gone. Vanished on the day she said "I do" to Bobby Brown and agreed to "love, honor and partake in cocaine with".
Look a little closer. Note the half open eyes. And either she has popcorn kernals stuck in her molars or her oral hygeine isnt up to snuff. Whitney close your mouth.
Why hasnt anyone helped this woman?
Tammy Faye. I see nothing has changed about you, from your helmet hair to your brightly painted talons. Oh how you attack your cosmetics and apply them with such religious zeal!
Last time we chatted was ages ago. I think you were on the Surreal Life and we had spoken briefly about Vanilla Ice and Gary Coleman.
I take offense to the fact you have decided to toss my fashion advice aside like yesterdays news. What did I tell you about teasing your hair with a pick and using a can of Aqua Net? Have you given any thought to what I told you about bleaching your hair with a bottle of Sun-In? We discussed hair matching skin tone, did we not?
Hmmm? How about gallons of face paint you use, do you still have the tub of cold cream I gave you to remove it all? I warned you about piling on the eyeliner; heavy eye makeup closes the eye, doesnt make it bigger. And be careful of applying mascara like youre grouting tile.
Honey, The outfit looks like the 405 freeway on a dark night when all you can see is the stripe down the center of the road. And a stripe down your boots too? Tammy...what did pearls of wisdom did I cast out before you regarding clothing?
Repeat after me: A fabulous makeup artist and hair dresser are priceless, a good stylist is better than gold.
Mary Kate...why? It appears you are wearing a sweater made for an eleven foot giant. Isnt that a bit large on your tiny frame? A knit sweater that goes down to your feet? Then I think its called a robe, in which case you are treading on Lindsay Lohan territory since she was photographed just the other day in her pajamas.
Arent your feet cold by the way? Its January! Even in LA its been a bit chilly.
Mary Kate, I see your wardrobe choice as a direct link to your eating disorder, or what people in the biz call "cocaine addiction". Either way, the big, baggy clothes that swim on your teeny frame mean something and the enormous pocketbook on your arm is symbolic, it has to be.
Why else would you dress like an old bag lady who needs to pile on every single piece of clothing she owns because she doesnt have a home? I KNOW you have a home, several of them in fact.
Girlfriend, Im puzzled by you. Very odd clothing for a young girl that has every single designer at her disposal. Money to throw around on cute jeans and funky tops and darling Betsey Johnson dresses and sweet Jimmy Choos.
Maybe you are trying to portray yourself as some kind of avant garde art student and this has nothing to do with your self image. Maybe not. I think it does. Call that gifted healer that Britney goes to. We'll get to the bottom of this. Unless it has something to do with Bob Saget, then Im out of here.
 Jennifer Bennifer Lopez. Without makeup. I dont think she looks half bad. I wish I could find her photo from highschool, she looks dramatically different. I think cheek implants and a nose job fer sure. Something with the lips too. Thoughts? Talk amongst yourselves.
Oh my eyes cant take the pain! I hate it when this happens. After viewing an exceptionally horrid, frightening photo, sometimes I feel a bubbling in my abdomen and my colon begins to twist and the food in my stomach curdles. Which is whats happening as Im looking at yet another picture of Jackie Stallone.
My goodness, whats happening? Do you hear that? A high pitched squealing? Im just warning you right now that prolonged viewing of this photo will induce hypertension, tinitus, ingrown toenails and will cause fatigue and dry mouth.
With that being said, I dont think I noticed before the unnatural shade of her copper hair. I did take note of her drawn-on eyebrows, penciled in with a shaky, jewel encrusted hand three inches higher than they should be. Lip-liner is meant to be subtle, not done with a heavy hand overshooting your natural lip line by a quarter of an inch, just FYI, Jackie.
Im not even going to tackle the blue eye liner and frosted lavender eyeshadow. Or the Wet 'n Wild pink berry lipstick clinging to her fishy lips. Or the heavy gold necklace circling her turkey gobbler neck. And did the cats get to her shirt? Did they use it as a scratching post?
I am so anti-fur, and felt the need to point out that polar bears are in trouble of becoming extinct if Ms. Stallone keeps poaching them to make her coats.
She looks confused, disoriented, not sure where she is. I know the feeling, and if you keep looking at the photo of her, you will too.
Is it me or does Patrick "Dirty Dancing" Swayze look perpetually surprised?
He has the crazed, bug eyed look of a sociopath but we know hes not insane, he just wears tight pants. His face has the shiny appearance of someone who has just walked out of the plastic surgeons office after an injection of botox and a dermabrasion. His skin is buffed and polished to a high sheen, a glossy patina if you will.
Where has he been for the last ten years? And more to the point, do we care? Nah.
Tara, so good to see you out and about, partying and club hopping as usual, looking like you've enjoyed a couple of Budweisers and a round of tequila shots.
I was a little concerned about you after the awards show last weekend and your boobs were hanging dangerously low to your knees. Is your back all right?
Because Britney Spears can recommend this awesome gifted healer named Nicky who works off a street corner in Malibu.
Guess who this is? Take a moment to appreciate the primary colored sweater and the glasses.
It is none other than Jennifer Garner, ex-wife of Scott Foley, ex-girlfriend of Michael Vartan and love interest of Ben "gambling fool" Affleck. Seriously!
One nose job, upper lip collagen injection, cheek implants, lasik surgery, an eye lift and some serious improvements with the hair and Jen is one of the most saught after actresses in Hollywood.
Thats right. Keep looking at those thick glasses and the bangs curled under and sprayed into submission and let it sink in. Yeah.
Cher, I'd like to thank for you taking a stand against the paparazzi. Flipping the bird to the men and women who keep you in the news is a very brave way of saying, " I wish I were never famous!"
Its a bit out of line for the photographers to take your picture while you're eating or going to the bathroom (presuming you do such pedestrian things), its not right to have your photo splashed on lets say, a blog or tabloid, while you are in church or trying on clothes or having surgery. No cameras allowed when you're laying naked on a gurney having the fat sucked out of your buttocks!
But when you are on the street, carrying your Mary Poppins carpet-bag, wearing donkey hair extensions and pants that are in desperate need of a hem, I think its okay for someone to snap your picture.
Now I have this assumption about you that you might very well be spoiled and cranky and you laugh in the face of the very people who made you a millionaire in the first place.
The look on Donald Trump's face: "Im worth billions and you're not. I have trillions of dollars in real estate all over the country. Trump Plaza is the nicest, most magnificent building in the world. Trump Apartments is the most luxurious complex I have ever seen.
Trump Golf Course has 14 ct. gold fairways and players are only allowed to play with diamond studded golf clubs - its the best place in the world to play golf where the grass is like emerald velvet.
I charge $150,000 a year to belong to my exclusive club, Mar A Lago, but its worth every red cent. My new cologne, Trump, smells like freshly minted dollar bills and is the best smelling fragrance on the market.
My television show, The Apprentice, is the number one rated reality show on television. My heliocopter is the fastest, my car is the most finely tuned, my own residence is decorated in the purest silks cultivated from the best Chinese silkworms.
My skin matches my tie and I crap out solid gold logs. Its good to be Trump."
When you get up in the morning and look in the mirror and your shoulders hunch forward and you ask yourself in a low voice full of disappointment, "Why can't I be gorgeous?" I want you to look at this photo of Cameron Diaz, girlfriend of funkmeister Justin Timberlake, formerly with Matt Dillon and Jared Leto, and remind yourself that we all look plain and bloated without cosmetics.
Cameron cleans up really well doesnt she? I imagine that all celebs are rather normal looking without airbrushing and lighting and makeup done by professionals. I take this to heart, especially when I roll out of my silk covered feather bed, take off my sleeping mask, remove my pink foam curlers and glance in the gilded 14 ct. gold mirror, horrified to see the frumpy, shlumpy face that stares back at me. One look at Cam and I feel all is right with the world and by comparison, Im not so bad at all.
For the love of all that is good, Colin, please find another fabric besides denim.
My sources have confirmed his closet consists of blue jeans, acid washed jeans, distressed jeans, jean shirts, denim jackets, blue jean pants, denim trousers, denim boxers and jean socks which are a little crispy but he must wear denim at all times or he spontaneously combusts.
Happy Friday! Id like to share this photo with y'all. Britney and Kevin Federline, arriving back in LA after a whirlwind couple of days in New York City.
Whats that? Kevins not wearing his hightops! But he is wearing that feminine sheepskin coat and his trademark XXL pants. Why does he refuse to tie the laces on his shoes? Doesnt Britney have people on her payroll to perform those kinds of tasks?
And yes, Im saving the best for last, Kevins tightly corn-rowed hair. When the skull cap comes off and the hair is greasy and matted, he doesnt wash his hair, he gets it braided!
And I don't see BitBit...I believe he is being taken care of by the baby nurse Brit hired to dropper feed the dog Mountain Dew and keep it swaddled in blankets and diapers and smelling sweetly of baby powder and Cheetos.
Virginia Madsen, you are a very attractive woman, but why are you dressing like a society matron from West Plam Beach? (see Tara Reid, archives)
The updo has got to go unless you are striving to look like Ivana Trump. The fuzzy shrug belongs with a tee shirt and jeans, not an evening gown. The slightly ill fitting emerald dress accentutates your tummy and the folds of fabric resemble fish gills.
Darling, you look like you might be heading out to cocktails at Mar-A-Lago with Joy and Regis this evening. I can imagine you with a crystal studded cigarette holder in one hand and a martini glass in the other, talking about your latest charity event and your husbands golf game casually mentioning your daughter Muffys acceptance into Vassar.
She looks like she's passing a gallstone when she sings. Girl, when its that painful to hit those high notes, maybe it's time to face the fact you cannot carry a tune.
Poor Ashlee. On Mr. Blackwell's worst dressed list of 2004! Why? Doesnt he like black? Black nails, blackish blue shaggy hair, black eyeliner, black fingerless gloves, black scarves, black shoes ...how many times do I have to repeat this? She is vying for a spot in the Osbourne family, it's so obvious!
I'd like to tell her that just because she layers on the black thus eliminating the need to color coordinate, does not mean that each piece of clothing actually belong together.
She is so trying to distance herself from her Mystic tanned, cake batter scented sister that she's going overboard with constructing her persona so she appears to be a bad ass, punky, grungy singer but girlfriend, you are no Courtney Love. I'd like to suggest you get back to your blonde hair, give up the singing and find a new career.
Did you know that Britney was seen in Malibu visiting Nicky the Gifted Healer recently? (note BitBit on her lap). Yes. Apparently, this guy was getting vibes from Britneys head, touching her cranium to measure her intelligence. And allegedly she is one smart cookie. Had us all fooled, didnt she?
The warning given to Brit was not to drive after Nicky had his way with her. Im all into holistic and alternative medicine but does anyone else smell a scam? Poor Brit.
She's tried wearing a red string around her wrist, bought two dogs, got married, read self help books, was on Prozac, drank ginseng, walked barefoot on the bathroom floor of a gas station (I guess its like walking on hot coals?), she's been blonde and brunette and back again. I hear the not so subtle cry for help, listen carefully, do you hear it too?
Ricky...did you fall face first into a mud puddle and splash dirt on your chin? What other explanation is there for you to have a modified Fu Man Chu in the shape of an anchor on your face? Wierd.
Maybe you're trying to distance yourself from William Hung since you're both so alike. You know, since you both sang that song and you're both so...and ...well, you are totally cute and William...he's... uh, nice.
Anyway, why don't you swing by and I'll apply some Nads wax to your chin over a glass of Merlot and some soft music, we can have your face as smooth as a babies bottom in no time and then you can show me those dance moves from your days with Menuedo.
Do you remember Paget Brewster who guest starred on Friends and was the love interest between Joey and Chandler? Obviously she didnt wear this to the audition or she would have never visited Central Perk.
A bulls eye shirt? Please dont go near Quantico, you might be unknowingly be used for target practice. And speaking of target, too bad the shirt wasnt red or you could have a shot at being the Target Store spokeswoman!
Moving on... is that a Billy Big Mouth Bass fish handbag? I wouldnt know where to buy anything quite like that. Do you find an item of that shape and form in the back of Hunting and Fishing Magazine? Hold on- I need a moment. Such hideousness! Suddenly, I feel a wave of abdominal cramping and dry mouth...
Just wait a minute while I regain composure. Okay.
Er..uh...clam diggers with gigantoid moon boots? Are you channeling Big Foot from the knees down?
Paget, where did you get your fashion sense? Do you by chance, have a shiny thing in your house, maybe hanging from a wall? Something we here in the Land of Common Sense call a mirror?
Jean Claude Van Bulge, as Ive called him before. Nice position to have the photo taken. Did the photographer say, "Okay Jean-Claude, father of tight pants and roundhouse kicks, lay back and let me be sure to adjust my telephoto lense so I can get a good view of your crotch."
Looks that way.
Jennifer Lopez...I see that marriage is really agreeing with you, if 'agreeing' means youre slowly turning orange. You've got that "glow" and Im not talking about your perfume. Why, you are looking so...well, your face looks like an alloy of copper and tin burnished to a glossy shine.
When applying a bronzing powder, Id like to point out that a light touch is better than a heavy hand. Dont apply the Tahitian glow with spackling tool and a paint roller. Instead of having the outdoorsy flush of a healthy thirty five year old, you remind me of the wrinkly, tan, old woman in Something About Mary. Do you really want old age spots and wrinkles, forcing Marc Antony to pursue someone younger and prettier, like Hilary Duff?
Wouldnt you agree that rosy cheeks and artfully done makeup is better than appearing like you crawled out of a tanning bed after a winter of hibernation? Why, your skin is ten shades darker than when you were a Flygirl in spandex shaking your booty on In Living Color! You've gone from alabaster to ocher in ten years!
One day, your husband is going to roll over on your white satin sheets in your four poster triple king sized bed and find himself face to face with a woman who looks more like George Hamilton than the girl he married.
Do you find yourself inexplicably craving Wonder Bread after viewing this womans shirt?
Just a warning to all of you; stay away from colors that encourage the consumption of white flour products that come in a plastic bag with blue, yellow and red dots.
By the way, the green blazer? Does not match at all.
Kirstie Alley, so good to see you. I was hoping we could chat a minute. Id like to know how you were able to convince the honchos at Showtime to give you a show based on your expanding weight. You live in the shadows of Scientology scarfing down buttermilk pancakes and cartons of ice cream and Keebler Fudge Stripe cookies and you get your own cable show?
I too would like a show, based on my poison pen and wit and humor. And Id like those executives at Showtime to know I would be willing to work for a fraction of what they're paying you.
And congrats on the Jenny Craig contract, that worked out so well for Monica Lewinsky.
Ps. I know how consumed you've been with the show and dieting and such. But please look at your sons hair. He needs a trip to your hairdresser, stat.
Bai Ling is now working at Pete's Garage, rotating tires and changing timing belts. She has yet to receive her name patch with "Bai" in red script, making her jumpsuit official.
Ive told her she doesnt need so much makeup for her new job, but she assured me that clients feel better seeing that their mechanic is completely prepared for any automechanical problem that should arise wearing full face makeup and an open zipper that ends at her camel toe.
We laughed at the notion of a mechanic wearing a bra and Bai whispered that she doesnt wear panties either. Somehow a thong and Penzoil dont mix.
And you know, she's on to something because the garage is brimming with business. That girl knows her way around a distributor cap.
Donald Trump would like it if you could purchase the $8500 fruit basket for his upcoming wedding to Melenia. He has registered for this item, I believe at Tiffany. Because, you know, he cant afford it himself, therefore he's asking for his guests to buy it for him and his new bride.
As if he has nothing like that in his solid gold plated apartment already. I laugh in the face of his registry.
Like he hasnt been through this with Ivana and Marla? Please! Donny (he loves it when I call him that), are you really prepared to argue over this when the divorce happens a few years down the line? He could buy anything his heart desires, does he really expect his guests to shell out at least eight grand for a gilded basket?
Sorry Trumpster, youre getting the same thing I get everyone else: A Glamour shot of me. Personally, and Michael Moore and I agree on this, all that money would be much better spent donated to the Distressed Jeans Fund.
Because a day without Paris is a day without sunshine. Just kidding. We all love Paris, dont we?
Gee, I love that hat that ties under her chin like a two year old might wear. And those cool superhero glasses. Neat-o. Is that bona fide horse hair, too?
Hey, isnt that the guy that took you home the other night? I see the night still hasnt ended, wink wink.
I have to let you know- and this might sting- I most likely will not be watching the Simple Life 3. Im boycotting reality shows that highlight wealthy heiress' in situations where normal people are like, trying to earn their living. You know, where the heiress comes in and mucks up and acts mean and silly and pokes fun at innocent people who are trying to fry burgers or milk cows, you know, earn an honest days wage in order to survive?
Sorry- just isnt entertainment to me. Unlike making fun of people like you. Now thats entertainment.
Yahhhhh! Scary! Scary! Nicole, that telephoto lense just got a little too close, didnt it? Wow, we can really see the ravages of plastic surgery from here. I can also see up your nose.
Have you been told NOT to pull your hair back severely off your face? Let me tell you then, Nicole, DO NOT pull your hair off your face like that! It only serves to accentuate the cheek and chin implants and zeros in on your forehead. I would like to suggest, once again, a deeper, richer shade of red and some wispy bangs. They dont even have to be that wispy, go wild and have long thick bangs brushed to the side. I am so glad I can be here for you.
 Well, hey y'all! Like, how are ya? Me and Kev, we're like, gonna go to New York City. Y'all like Kevs white sneakers? He is totally hot. Yeah! He bought his shirt and the Big 'N Tall shop even though he aint that tall. He likes big clothes, you know? Im so sad 'cause I had to leave BitBit with my bags. I dressed him in a lil sweater and hat and then Kev got him teeny LA Gear hightops! Sooooooo cute, y'all! Then like, me and Kev went to Au Bon Pain and asked for Mountain Dew and pork rinds and they didnt have any! Can you believe that? So I had to send my driver to git some for us at 7-11. I love me mah chips and pop! See you in New York, y'all!
Please stand at attention for Janet Jackson, newly appointed to the elite army at Buckingham Palace. You know you cant look her in the eye during the Changing of the Guard.
What, you didnt know Janet "Ms Jackson if you're nasty" was working as a soldier? Yeah. Its pretty intense. No flashing or any crazy business.
Her scarlet colored pea coat lacks the regimented one sided buttons, and her big black bearskin boots arent up to code, but after the whole Superbowl debacle, Im not going to be the one to get her in trouble.
Why, Karolina Kurkova, I had no idea you were on Little House on the Prairie.
Tell, me how is that vixen, Nellie Olsen? What is it like to carry your lunch in a tin bucket and clap erasers out behind the school house? I want to remind you we're shelling beans and churning the butter this afternoon so hurry home from the General Store.
And dont forget your bonnet, its gonna be hot at the duck race on Saturday. Oh, and Pa wanted me to remind you he'll see you in the barn for milkin' at sun up.
And swing yer pardner do-si-do...I dont know how to square dance, but Minnie Driver does. Obviously she's headed to a hoe down in her prairie skirt and...gag..Uggs.
I dont know if Minnie is aware of this, but let me be the one to enlighten her: Scrunchies are like, so not in style. Along with frosted jeans, spandex and banana clips, those went out in the late 80's.
Oh Minnie. Is that a fleece vest? Honey, Im no fashion icon, but did you look in the mirror before you left the house? I felt bad when Matt Damon broke up with you via the Oprah show, but I didnt know real pity until I saw this photo of you.
Sometimes you just roll out of your supersized California king bed with silk sheets, and like, you just dont feel like getting dressed! Lindsay Lohan obviously felt that way as she struts around in her pajamas and robe. I hear ya, Linds.
You know, when you party your brains out with Paris and Ashlee night after night, whats the point of getting dressed? Stay in your jammies until its time to go out again, you know like midnight.
And believe me, I know what youre doing, babe. Trying to make Wilmer come crawling back, arent you? Yeah. The sleepwear? The covert message to your mom via a trucker cap? The Birkin bag? The orange skin? Uh huh. You little minx.
If you havent met Courtney Peldon before, I would like to introduce you to her. Isnt she pretty in that wholesome, attractive, healthy way? No, I didnt think so either.
She is a C-list actress who obviously feels totally uninhibited which should serve her well during her time on the casting couch. What is she wearing? A bandau top of flowers and...little else. The maternal part of me wants to offer her a long sleeved turtleneck and wrap her in a blanket. How do you leave the house with just a fragment of material around your breasts? Well, when you pay good money for your boobs, you just want to get as much mileage out of them as possible. She's actually being very thrifty, putting good use to what she paid money for.
Is it me, or does her stomach look a little weird and hollowed out? Rumor has it that she had ribs removed to be skinnier. And a boob job. And a nose job.
Better quit while you are ahead, Courtney. If being photographed all over Hollywood practically naked is to be considered "ahead".
Talk about the walking dead! Jeremy Irons is either very sick, in which case, I apologize for this post, or else he is boycotting the concept of healthy living, prefering to go out in public like he's been stored in formaldehyde and brought out only on special occasions.
He must be losing weight, the belt is not only buckled, but knotted. His teeth are the straw color of a life long smoker. His skin holds the dusty pallor akin to that of an occupant of a drawer at the morgue.
Poor Jeremy. Maybe Paris Hilton can loan him some self tanner? Lindsay Lohan will be happy to direct him to the tanning bed. And the Queer Eye guys are standing by to take him shopping for clothes that dont actually swallow him up.
Come to the Olive Garden and eat some bottomless breadsticks. Get well, Jeremy.
My eyes! My eyes!
My pupils just about spontaneously combusted when I saw this photo of Daniel Day- Lewis. Can you believe this is the same hottie that was running around in that movie, Last of The Mohicans? No, really!
Hold on, my eyes are blurring and I feel abdominal cramping...theres a pulsing pain behind my eyes...oh Daniel. Why did you let yourself go like this?
A hot pink shirt and satin ascot? The Salvation Army blazer reminds me of a couch we once kept in our family room, an ugly plaid thing with rust and mint colors back in 1971.
The pants are a red and black pinstripe that in no way shape or form match the jacket.
Is that a beret?
His beard is like a wild racoon on his face. Daniel, Daniel, what the hell? Did you lose your vision and your money all at once? Is that why not only do you not match, you are an offense to my eyes and sensibilities. Like an geriatric patient playing checkers in the courtyard of the senior living facility, you look like you might be plagued by dementia.
And your wife..she might be the daughter of Arthur Miller, great playwright, but why is she dressed like Little Red Riding Hood, complete with a matching scarlet purse?
I think I might understand the function of her scarf; she can wrap it around her nose so she doesnt have to breathe in the moth ball/body odor/Wild Turkey stench of Daniel Day-Heinous.
Oh my goodness. Do you have to take a moment and wonder who this is? It could be Britney Spears. It could be any other starlet with a dose of plastic surgery and a too- tight blazer with straining buttons.
Guess who? No really, guess?
Its none other than...drumroll please, Courtney Love. Yes, she is in court again. What did she do, or what did she not do, surgically speaking? I spy cheek implants, a nose job, something with the lips, and perhaps botox?
Nice try cleaning up, Courtney. If I may, I would like to offer you my Tigi Dumb Blonde hair conditioner, it would really help with your straw like overprocessed, bleached blonde hair.
This is quite the improvement over the wild haired, strung out, drugged, stoned, crazed junkie appearance that is usually so becoming only to you. Well done, Courtney. Well done.
Christina is looking rather..embalmed. Believe me, this whole Jen/Brad news is making me ill too. Im not looking as I usually do, vivacious and sexy with healthy pink skin and tight buttocks. Im feeling saddened, as if a close friend has passed away. You might think Im silly for wearing black all week, yet you must understand, Im mourning.
Back to Ms. A. Her whole self looks sort of grayish dusty pinkish with lavender undertones and yellow, sallow skin . Not flattering at all. Her appearence is either crotch-rageous or Minnie Mouse meets Marilyn Monroe. Or now, her newest look, Death Warmed Over.
Have we ever seen her looking 'normal'? I think not.
Chris, let me suggest to you a warm honey blonde hair color with some natural looking cosmetics, artfully applied. And some stylish clothing? Macy's has that clothing line, INC, and they have very classic clothes. You have so much potential, lets explore what we can do, shall we?
 There is nothing to laugh about the way this woman looks. Her name, however, gives me pause. Ready for this? Honey Labrador. Isnt that like a newsman whose name is something like Storm Mountain? Or a porn star like Echo Valley? Please call me Sugar Poodle.
PUT DOWN THE HIGHBALL AND STEP AWAY FROM THE COSMETICS
You reach a point and you really should leave the makeup alone. When you cant draw on your own eyebrows without making yourself look like an aging member of the Ringling Bros. Circus, its time to turn to a professional makeup artist.
Jackie Stallone, mother of Sylvester, looks like a confused tranny lost on Sunset Strip. Oh my goodness, the makeup! The shiny skin! The nails! The fur! The lipliner!
I feel sorry for her, I truly do. Usually I have words of pearly wisdom and fashion advice but this photo leaves me at a loss for words. Warning : Prolonged viewing may induce abdominal cramping and blurry vision.
 Maggie Gyllenhall. I respect your individual style, I love vintage. But you consistantly look like you should be riveting plane parts in a factory in the midwest during the 1940's. And I would like to urge you to thrust your shoulders back or else you are going to end up with a scoliosis brace.
I dont like to pick on kids, but come on.
Look at Liam Aikens hair. Its hideous. What is he doing, trying to imitate a Chia Pet? Grow his hair so he can lobby for the role of Cousin It? If I were his mother, I would insist he trim that mess. He has the classic Bowl Cut and that is so out that it will never be in.
Remember that old footage of the Beatles getting off the plane and thousands of hysterical girls are screaming? Yeah, Liam looks like a Beatle. Except we arent in the 60's and he is not Ringo Starr.
Liam, I would be more than happy to take you for a cut at SuperCuts. And Ill even get you a balloon. Join me and Angelina Jolie's son for haircuts. My treat.
Tara! Shame on you, hitting on Jon Lovitz!
Dont you know he's engaged to be married to The First Supermodel, Her Royal Highness, Janice Dickinson? You know, she could kick your butt. Not only has she had a boob job but a face lift, liposuction and botox! Shes like, bionic at this point. I know he's super hot, but hands off!
"And then Nic said, I want more Botox.. and I was like, MORE botox? And she made this horrible face and told me to mind my own business. And then I was like, Nic, enough with the plastic surgery.
Dude, I couldnt even kiss my own wife, her skin was pulled so tight. And I begged her not to dye her hair that bland buttery shade and then she opened her mouth really wide and tried to bite me. Dude, thats when I knew the marriage was over. I high-tailed it over to the Scientology Center and drafted the divorce papers right there."
While trolling the aisles of Sephora, the holy land of cosmetics, I came across the Jessica Simpson Dessert display. "Hmm", I thought to myself, "Let me see what the deal is."
I'll save you $45 and suggest you dab Duncan Hines Cake mix behind your ears and vanilla extract on your lips instead. Do you really want to taste and smell like a bakery food? It was sickeningly sweet and gross, to be honest with you. I got a sugar high just from breathing in the aroma.
I really do not want to walk around stinking like yesterdays cupcakes with a sick layer of buttercream icing frosting. I can see why she spent the morning of the commerical shoot crawling around on her knees with a stomach-ache. Because the stuff is like digging into a bag of sugar with an open mouth.
I would like to offer Jessica a word of advice: enough already with the tan. You look like the orange girl from that Seinfeld episode. Strutting around with squash colored skin should be a felony, in which you would be found guilty and sentenced to Life Without Self Tanner.
Traci Lords had nothing to wear so Prince kindly lent her his white suit- but NOT the head wear! No one gets the sacred towel. Dont even think about asking for it!
Traci reminds me of Tara Reid's porny older sister. I realize Traci used to be a huge adult film star but that was before Jenna Jameson came (no pun intended) in and stole her thunder. Now it appears Traci is trying hard to clean up her coot- I mean, act.
Does anyone else recall her Emmy worthy turn on Melrose Place?
Brad and Jen Alert: Rumor or truth?
"Brad & Jen have been on the outs for 2 years now--and it all comes down to the baby issue.
She clearly does not want kids and has been delaying him at all costs...but now she has 6 movies lined up over the next 2 years, and Brad has finally caught on that his wife will do anything BUT have his baby. She has deep mother issues, which also plays into this mess.
One source (and this did NOT get printed and never will since Jen could sue big time for this) is that she is doing coke for a few reasons: to battle her depression, to be thinner than ever, and to keep her energy level high.
Brad knows about the coke and has NOT been happy (even though they are both pot heads) because he is smart enough to know she canno t be doing drugs while trying to get pregnant."
Kevin Federline. Nice outfit Kev. And seriously, that hat is going to start growing a fungus if you dont find something else to wear on your head. What ever happened to my favorite trucker cap with the clever saying "Rock Out With Your C*** Out"? Gosh, that hat summed up your life in six simple words.
Anyway, Im truly glad to see youre spending time with Kori. Not so glad to see those ridiculous LA Gear hightops, with the tongue pulled out. If youre going to go sloppy, you might as well wear Uggs. Are you too lazy to tie your shoes, or ...do you not know how to tie?
And I would love, LOVE to see your clothes actually fit. No more XXXL for you. No more velour tracksuits. Then you wouldnt have to seize the crotch of the pants to hold them up!
And please, for the love of all that is good, burn that skull cap before mold spores start to regenerate.
Thank you for the vanity panel, Tara. Without the strategically placed lace in the V between your breasts, we might all have to view your droopage. I have seen those boobs several times now and dont feel the need to view them again. Ever.
Nice use of lingerie as a dress. Now you can go from a party to bed without changing your clothes. You are a sly fox, Ms. Reid! And you're so orange, I mean bronze...dont you worry that the Mystic Tan might rub off on your sheets?
And speaking of your chest, those implants are really sagging. Might be time for a lift?
Hey y'all! Its me, Brit! Did ya see my lil' BitBit? Oh, this dog is so sweet.
Y'all know what? He likes to eat Funyons off my belly! Its so cute! And you should see the way he licks up the Red Bull that Cletus- I mean Kevin- spills. I like to bring mah dog around with me, my ma says it will help mah image be more maternal, whatever that means!
BitBit is always shiverin' thats why I have to hold him to mah breast. Hes like, naked with no fur, aint he a sweetie? I like to dress him in like, little clothes, like that dog Paris carries around, whats its name? Taco Bell? Oh, right y'all, Tinkerbell!
Well. I gotta run. We're goin' out for ribs and chicken fingers. Kev's gonna pick us up on his new bike. I got the cutest helmet for BitBit. Its like, a walnut shell! Then Im taking BitBit dancin' with me at a club. I got him the darlingist little disco pants! Oh mah God y'all, I love being a mama!
Id like to introduce you to the very talented, Cytherea. Nice name, dont you think? Its sounds like a veneral disease. You know, gonorrhea, syphilis, cytherea.
Her outfit is outstanding! A simple gossamer spider web of sequins and nothing else. Not even underpants! We are one stiff breeze away from seeing a Brazilian wax job.
Thanks for the demure pose, friend. I just ate lunch and dont want a rush of nausea sending me into the bathroom.
Cartoon bubble over this guys head:
"Oh yeah baby. Im gonna get me some booot-ay! She's half smashed already Get in the car, Paris. Ive got the video recorder up and running just for you, babe."
Cartoon bubble over Paris' head.
"Dude, Im like, so not sleeping with you. My extensions are giving me a headache and I like, so need to get some sleep because I have another party, like, tomorrow night. Just get me back to my suite at the Hilton and keep telling me how hot I am."
Its not that Jen doesnt like children, its just that she doesnt want any of her own. Heres she is making little Coco Arquette laugh.
In all honesty, I cant fault her for not wanting a baby because nine months of pregnancy doesnt sound like much fun. Throwing up and varicose veins and heartburn and back pain and sciatic nerve pain and hemorroids vs. $10 million for six months work. Hmmmm.
Although Im sure Brad would be there every step of the way to offer backrubs and massages and warm blankets and ice water and trips to the Golden Door Spa.
What would you do? Talk amongst yourselves.
Please dont toy with my emotions. I cant stand it. I needed Dr. Carter to make a house call and administer heavy sedations upon news of the divorce. Now I see you two together, sending me into a fit of heart palpitations and head spins. Wheres my Ativan?
Jan 8th- Does this look like a couple who just announced their split? "The couple went to Anguilla for a vacation knowing that they were going to end their marriage.
They had spent the previous week calling relatives and close friends to personally break the news of their impending split, People magazine claims.
As The Post reported yesterday, the key reason for the breakup was Pitt's desire for children - and Aniston's wish for a blockbuster movie career instead."
Please pick up the pieces of a broken heart.
WANTED: Woman between the ages of 30-40 to bear children with this man. Must love kids. Self employed okay. Money not an issue. Must like to travel, eat Mexican food and be willing to live in Malibu/New York City. Will provide the nanny if you provide the uterus.
Seeking sense of humor, kind heart and intelligence. Staunch Democratic supporter although will consider Republican. He likes long walks on the beach and Sunday mornings at home.
Must like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain. He's not much into health food, he is into champagne.
Please sent all photos and correspondence to: B. Pitt, Malibu CA.
Chyna, bra is not optional, its necessary. How can you come to the Peoples Choice Awards and forget your undergarment? Dont you know bright lights and flash bulbs are going to be taking in your braless boobies? Ech!
As if the slopping looking off the shoulder half shirt isnt enough to make me feel a fever coming on, the skirt- I dont even know what it is. Smelted gold? Metallic pantaloons? It looks like a drapery from Caesars Palace. Theres enough gold on you to make teeth for a dozen rappers. Flava Flav is eyeing you up for dental implants.
And the boots, are they cowboy boots with lace? Who dresses you, dear? Do you have a stylist? Because I think you might want to look into getting one.
When you look at this man, do you think:
a.) He slept with Kim Basinger!
b.) Why did he wrap a towel around his head and come to the awards show?
c.) What a talented performer!
Personally, I think all of the above and then wonder how his legs look so tiny in white pants.
Sometimes when wrapping a gift- you know, if my assistant isnt around to do it- I use scraps of random wrapping paper. Elizabeth (The Apprentice) has taken her cue from my wrapping technique and applied it to her dress.
When extra material is not available to cover the front and shoulders, just use something else! I think the ruffle in the front could have been used to cover her shoulders. I like the fabric and color, I like the length of the dress and her shoes. But I dont like the top of the dress with a ruffle and a wierd shrug-like thing that goes around her back and some lacey stuff on top.
This had potential to be a very pretty dress, instead it looks wrong.
Elizabeth...you're fired! (I had to say it, forgive me!)
I was just wondering why Renee always puckers her lips like shes sucking on...well, like shes got something in her mouth that tastes bad? That sort of expression makes her cheeks puff up like shes storing nuts in her face or is suffering from an allergic reaction. My face swelled up once after I ate bad shrimp. Maybe the Peoples Choice Awards served bad shell fish?
Golly, her skin is so white in contrast to her dark hair. Ive got to cast my vote and let her know I prefer the blonde hair and a couple extra lbs on her. I know she reads this site religiously, so Im certain she'll take this into consideration.
Ahhh, a photo of Brit in a bucket hat with little BitBit nervously shaking in her hand. I like to carry around things like a purse, a set of keys, perhaps a water bottle while Im out and about. Generally, I do not shlep live animals around with me, especially upon entering a club. I find animals, while I love them, can be messy and hard to control while dancing.
Wow, the last time I saw a lime green half shirt was back in 1986 and I was wearing my LA Gear high tops and had feathered hair and a Jordache purse in the shape of a kidney bean that I clipped feathers to.
I have this personal rule that I try hard to follow. I dont expose my belly unless I havent eaten carbs in several days. And seriously, I never wear half shirts. Not that I would consider her fat but...just a thought Britney...
Nicole, cheek implants too? Are my eyes deceiving me or does she have Gortex implants in her cheeks, creating the defined face of a plastic surgery addict?
Botox, nose job, botox, eye lift, botox, collagen, botox, hair color, stirct diet, botox, laxatives, face lift. Then more botox, another eye lift and the cycle begins all over again.
Poor Nicole, once such a natural beauty with flowing red hair is now a slave to a doctor who regularly upkeeps her face like the mechanic rotating tires and changing the oil in my Escalade.
Suzanne Somers, alas, the latest victim of Clown Cheeks (see Heather Locklear in the archives).
Let me point out the tight leather jacket/top, more suitable to Kevin Federline on his Harley than a 60+ grandma. At some point, you just have to start dressing your age. I applaud women who refuse to give into polyester pants, Easy Spirit shoes and those caftans sold in the back of Parade Magazine. But really, skin tight leather is something you should not be seen in once you are over age 45.
Leather is fine, but not worn so tightly that you need baby powder in order to prevent friction. And braids? At your age, Suzanne? I would like to show you some photos of haircuts that would look very nice on you, something choppy and short.
May I give you a tissue to remove some of your heavy blush and perhaps a cotton sweater? I have a brush and a hat to fix your hair. No worries, Suz. Im here for you.
Did I ever tell you how I knew that crazy junkie who lived around the corner from my Greenwich Village apartment? He smelled like the dumpster behind a Chinese food restaurant, and in his eyes I saw a glassy, strung out, tormented soul that needed a detox program and a good meal.
Here, our pal Ethan strongly resembles the junkie I once knew. Oh Ethan, what happened? And why do your teeth just look worse and worse every time I see you? May I suggest a SonicCare toothbrush and a hot shower?
 Once I played a buttercup in my first grade production of Flowers of the Garden. Somehow, Chloe got a hold of my bright yellow ruffled costume minus the green stem and leaves. Plus, she chose not to wear the matching yellow bonnet, which, quite honestly, was a good move.
Brad & Jen Alert: Any truth to this?
THE phone sex session with Angelina Jolie that ended Brad Pitt's marriage to Jennifer Aniston was just the latest in an intense relationship that had been raging for nearly a year. The News of the World broke the news in October that Brad and Jen's marriage was doomed. We can now reveal it hit the rocks last February when Brad and Angelina played a married couple in the film Mr & Mrs Smith.
A source close to the couple told us: "When Brad and Angelina's relationship reached a head over the summer, they were so close they were acting as if it was ‘the real thing.' "They'd speak on the phone all the time—always speaking in hushed tones. There was no hiding their affection for each other. "She also has the balls to call if she likes someone. She has this ‘don't-give-a-d**n' attitude which is infectious. It's not hard to fall for her."
It was just such a call at Brad and Jen's Beverly Hills home that ended their marriage. Our source revealed: "Jennifer listened in on the conversation via another house extension. I don't know if she accidentally picked up the phone or deliberately did that. Either way, she went ballistic. "It has never been easy being married to the man who is held up as the sexiest, most desirable man in the world. "
But Jennifer has become especially jealous of Angelina. "When she confronted Brad, he wasn't going to take it any more. He realised it was the end of the line for their marriage and he told Jennifer as much." The break-up came amid rumours the marriage was in trouble over starting a family. Our source told us: "Brad never made any secret of the fact he wanted a family, but Jennifer refused, preferring to concentrate on building her movie career. "
Angelina, on the other hand, is very maternal as well as gorgeous—and Brad was completely drawn for all those reasons. "The way Angelina makes her adopted son Maddox her number one priority really melted him. She simply stole Brad's heart." Jennifer, 35, was in Europe promoting her film Along Came Polly with Ben Stiller when Brad began shooting Mr & Mrs Smith with sultry Tomb Raider star Angelina.
A source on the set witnessed the chemistry between twice-married Angelina, 29, and Brad, 41, at a barbecue she threw for 20 film crew. The insider told us: "There was loads of delicious food but Brad and Angelina were so into each other they didn't eat one thing. "Brad and Angelina sat together, apart from everyone else. They were very close and held hands continuously. At one point he came up to Angelina in the kitchen, whispered in her ear and kissed her on the cheek. "He then walked out of the room, slouched across the kitchen-top and gave her this look which said, ‘I'm going to have some of that'. "
Not long afterwards, Brad came down with flu. The next week, Angelina came down with the same thing. "Brad sent her flowers and a card in which he wrote, ‘To the missus. Oops'—because she had obviously caught what he had from being in close contact. "On set, the sexual chemistry between the two of them was embarrassing for everyone else. Tongues started wagging when Angelina refused to wear the protective flesh-coloured underwear actors use for sex scenes. "She told the wardrobe girl, ‘I won't need that.' The two of them filmed their sex scenes fully naked, which is unusual. "She certainly didn't make a secret of her feelings for him. At one point she said, ‘I wish he wasn't married!'"
Even though Angelina has always denied an affair with Brad, she admitted she enjoyed kissing him in Mr & Mrs Smith. She said: "Brad and I play husband and wife so there's some kissing and all I'll say is, he's a great kisser. He certainly knows what he's doing." By April 29 the intensity of their relationship was clear to all who saw them together at LA hotel The Standard. A source reveals: "They didn't try to hide. They were making out in the corner in full view of everyone." The source added: "Brad and Angelina were so sure of their feelings for each other they planned to go to Italy together, where Brad was filming Ocean's Twelve with George Clooney, buy a home there and not return to LA. But their plans were scuppered when Jennifer went to Italy with Brad."
On September 13 and 14 Brad and Angelina had to reshoot scenes for Mr & Mrs Smith. They stayed in rooms 612 and 615 of the Ramada Hotel in Victorville, southern California. The hotel confirmed the rooms are adjoining and that they were given orders to seal the floor so no one else had access to it. Last month Jennifer joined Brad in London where he was publicising Ocean's Twelve. But the couple were already leading separate lives and secretly took different flights home to LA.
 Claudia Salinger, what happened? Remember when you were just a cute violin playing pipsqueak? And now look at you, honey. I mean, LOOK. You seem...older. Prettier. Ummm... you have more..cleavage. I guess you really grew up and... er, out.
Breathe deeply. Smell that? Yup. The scent of Dave Coulier, Bob Saget and John Stamos' pompadour. The faint yet obvious smell of money. The odor of Walmart clothes and Full House reruns. Uh huh.
The stench of puckered lips. Now the quintuplet of "stars" hawking perfumes is complete. Along with Brit, Paris and the two Olsen twins. We now need Ashlee, Lindsay and Hilary to come out with a stinky eau de pop star.
Oh yes. A visual reminder that sometimes, less really is more. Or more is more. Or more of a big thing is too much. Or more is tacky. Or less is more desirable.
Either way you want to look at it, this womans breasts are entirely too big. Lucky for Ron Jeremy that he has a soft cushion to rest his beefy head, and he doesnt seem to mind at all that more is more than enough.
Last October I traveled to Cabo San Lucas where I purchased a lovely Mexican tapestry from a toothless woman at an open air market. Much like my Egyptian cotton bathmat which disappeared after Babs came over (see archives), my tapestry went missing after tea and scones with Cate Blanchett.
I then spotted this photo of her and guess what? Yeah. My tapestry is being used as her skirt. Cate, I need to have a word with you.
Besides that, I think using non-clothing items is really hip in Hollywood. I have a hand made toile table skirt Im going to fashion into a blouse. Stay tuned.
Nicky and Paris, playing in the waters of the Caribbean, sporting non flattering bathing suits that do nothing to create curves on their very thin, buttless bodies.
While the rest of the world rushes to the aid of the Tsunami victims, two girls who could probably take this tragedy and actually use their money to HELP people, decide to go on a winter vacation. Because you know, they work so hard, partying every day and making videos and shopping and such.
Why would they take a few days out to come to the aid of suffering people? These girls are like, so busy!
Seriously, if these two young 'ladies' wanted to turn their reputations around and use their forces for good instead of evil, they would not be working on their tans right now. Note to the Hilton sisters: stop thinking of yourselves.
But perhaps they did donate money. I mean, why wouldnt they? They have hearts of gold, those two. I take it back. Sorry to pick on you, Nicky and Paris.
Molly Ringwald found the Fountain of Youth and has spit in it.
Why dress young and pretty when you can look like an aging socialite? Oh Molly. Dont you know that is a very unflattering hemline of the skirt? And my grandmother wore shoes like that back when she was a Rockette in the 1940's. A beret? A Carrie Bradshaw flower pin that is sooooo 2003?
Everything about this outfit screams, "Im sixty- five years old, where's my senior discount?"
Say it aint so. Oh Brad and Jen, what went wrong? And I just saw the two of you on vacation in the Caribbean. Seems like just yesterday I was a guest at your wedding and I wore my silk Versace with my Jimmy Choo shoes and a flower in my hair. We did the Electric Slide together and drank amaretto sours and made plans to go out for Mexican food.
Jen, cant you just settle down and have the Pittsters baby? Would it be so hard to just give up one year of your life to have the child of the Most Gorgeous Man in America? Its not like you need to keep working in order to make money. What, have a jillion dollars isnt enough? Hello, greedy actress! Isnt your marriage worth it to you to take time off and work on your relationship?
And Brad, do you think those awful Jams that you wore along with those moccasins had anything to do with the split?
I would be very, very embarrassed to be photographed dancing with my buttocks pushed out in a skin tight hot pink dress from Forever 21. But this is Anna Nicole we're talking about and I just dont think she cares.
Im sure you're familiar with the dance known as "The Toilet", it goes something like this: you sit and squat as if you need to take a crap. Then you writhe and grunt. I dont know if it will be as popular as the Macarena but you have to admit, it looks like fun and its easy to perform on a dance floor.
I think its safe to assume that Rosie is the 'male' in this relationship. Hard to imagine linebacker Rosie being the feminine, submissive one. But Im not here to comment on her gayness.
Im here to rip her to shreds for taking the costumes from Purple Rain and quilting it into an XXL jacket.
Puffy: 1. egocentric, pompous, egotistic 2. gusty 3. Star Jones' outfit.
Is that Big Foot, furry creature of yore, thought to be on the loose in the northwest of America? Or did my powder puff mutate itself and find its way around Star Jones meaty shoulders and then morph into a pink hued chinchilla pocketbook?
Quick- Whats big and pink and puffy and black? The answer is not the Pink Panther.
Ever hear of too much of a good thing? Not that this is good, make no mistake, its not. Were you going for 'pretty in pink'? Did Al tell you that you looked good? I thought he was gay and we know gay men have excellent fashion sense but I guess there's an exception to every rule.
Star, did you some how convince Mattel to stop making clothes for Barbie and design something for you? Maybe you felt a plethora of pink would somehow soften the bitchy persona you embody. Not working.
I see a calamity of furs and silks and polyester and a blazer with a belt and jewelry and shoes and its making me queasy, my throat is dry and Im seeing wavy lines and hearing a siren in my ears. Just when I think the nightmare is over, I spot a brewing camel toe and I feel a rush of diarreha.
Jamie Lynn? I talked to you about the un-natural haircolor looking like a wig from the Dolly Parton Collection. We spoke about your brown eyebrows. I warned you not to get implants. And now, I must tutor you in the Art of Dressing:
Rule 1. Denim on Demim = no. Do you want to look like you're about to toss bales of hay? Didnt think so. Stay away from too much blue jean material. Look at Colin Farrell. Its not working for him, it will not work for you.
Rule 2. Dont give into the pressure and wear the Uggs. There are some darling Marc Jacobs boots that have a little wedge heel and they would look so much better than those UGGly boots that make people appear to have hot dog buns on their feet.
Ill be happy to assist you in the future. Im certain I will have more to say at a later date.
SHE'S BEEN CLONED Y'ALL!
Okay, you can breathe. Its not Britney, its another spawn from the Spears clan. Nooooo. Its Louisiana's answer to the Simpson sisters minus a creepy preacher dad.
Jamie, did you let your mother slap a highlighting cap on your head and turn you into a bleached blonde before you hit eighteen? Why not do something different from your sister and keep your natural hair color? But if you must color, you need to remember to lighten your brows.
At least you arent involved with Aaron "flaming mattress" Carter. And you dont have breast implants...yet.
Hey y'all! Im like, going all biker chick! Ya like mah CHIP's sunglasses? Mah hair pulled on top of my head? (remember, not a top knot, not yet a bun?)
Can ya see mah pimples? Kev says its cuz I eat too much oil but ya know, I love me mah Frito pie. And like, I tell him, I say, Kev, your hair is oily, so mah skin can be oily too. And then he calls me pizza face and we laugh and then he opens Pabst Blue Ribbon with his teeth, y'all. Hes like, so romantic.
Jamie Lynn stuck patches on mah jacket with a glue stick, y'all. Aint it cool?
Did you see Kev on his Harley? You'll never guess where he keeps the Red Bull when hes drivin'.
I purchased these really neat tin foil bags to roast chicken in when I was at the market last week. I figured I could drop the chicken in, add some veggies, a spray of olive oil and a pinch of oregano and presto! A dinner in thirty minutes.
And then I did Jiffy pop on the stove top which is so much fun. And then I spotted this picture of Jennifer Lopez and wow!
Its like she cross pollinated the aluminum bags and the Jiffy pop and POOF.. Pants!
I swear, that J. Lo is so crafty. Who knew she was into science for the sake of fashion. She is a genius. She can cook chicken, pop popcorn and use them as cuffed trousers. Can you say amazing? Im telling you, she is much, much smarter than people give her credit for. Have you created pants that can multi-task? I think not. And you know what, I think there might be the possibility for a Halloween costume in there too.
PS Those are some super fugly shoes.
PPS. Cropped top?
THIS JUST IN
(01-07) 18:08 PST LOS ANGELES (AP) --
Hollywood glamour couple Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston have split, Pitt's longtime publicist confirmed Friday.
"We would like to announce that after seven years together we have decided to formally separate," the couple said in a joint statement released by Pitt's publicist Cindy Guagenti. "For those who follow these sorts of things, we would like to explain that our separation is not the result of any speculation reported by the tabloid media. This decision is the result of much thoughtful consideration."
The couple didn't indicate if they planned to file for divorce, and Guagenti declined to comment beyond the statement, which also said, "We happily remain committed and caring friends with great love and admiration for one another."
Angelina, you know the secret girl crush I harbor for you. So I refuse to comment on anything regarding your clothing or sexy body or long lush hair. Or your full pouty lips. Or your shapely legs. Or those tattoos that I find so forbiddenly erotic.
But while I applaud the dedication you have to your son, meaning you are constantly photographed without a horde of nannies, I have to come forward and offer to give Maddox a quick trim with my special scissors purchased at Sally Beauty just for this occasion.
Yes he is cute- there is no denying that- but his hair has got to go. A Junior Mullet is as cruel as giving your daughter a Dorothy Hamill wedge. Maddox doesnt look as cool as he looks Cambodian redneck. Lets get that shit cut!
Is that mean? Yes, but sometimes I have to be cruel to the ones I love in order to get people to listen. Meet me at Fantastic Sams and Ill be sure to get Maddox a balloon.
Its the battle of the perfumes. And by perfumes, I use that term loosely.
Would you rather douse yourself in Britney's Curious, which carries the delicate scent of Stetson, Funyons and cigarettes...
~OR~
...spritz yourself with the stink water from Paris, which blends the under-notes of dirty bedsheets mixed with a club at closing time? Tough one.
The public has spoken and "they" have said Eau de Cheetos smells better than the crisp dollar bills and used condom odor of Paris.
Personally, I prefer the aroma of Hilary Duff- a sweet berry scent reminiscent of Bonnie Bell Lipsmackers and Jean Nate body splash.
High five for multi-tasking Aisha!
I love it... you were able to add your Jones of New York suit jacket to the table cloth from your dining room table. Who needs a fitted skirt when one stop at Linens N Things and you have not only a skirt, but a cover for the table!
Believe me sister, Im right there. Especially when I go through the drive-thru, its so handy to have a table cloth on my lap to eat over. I give you your due props, brilliant.
You can have a picnic right on your legs, but look business-like on the top. You know, if you wanted to wipe your skirt off due to messy foods, I highly suggest a shower curtain rather than the traditional dining room table cloth.
You might be a redneck if...you match the color of your helmut to the color of your hot rod. Dude, love the sissy bars and the unlaced, hightop LA Gear velcro sneaks.
Is that..wait- okay. I had to check for the dingy skull cap to make sure it was Kevin Federline. Isnt he hot? Dont answer that. We know the answer is "no". Keep an open mind, but doesnt Kevin look alarmingly like BitBit? Listen to me- the big eyes on the side of the head, the pointy nose, the triangle shaped head...just ponder that one.
Theres nothing more refreshing that a man riding around on the Harley that his wife bought for him. Wearing the clothes his wife bought him. And the leather riding gloves so his hands dont chafe. Gotta keep them soft for Brit, y'all. I just wonder where he keeps the Cheetos and Red Bull when he's riding?
Such a diva!
Luciano Pavarotti dons a Panama Jack hat, drapes scarves all over himself and spritzes himself with a generous spray of Curious by Britney Spears.
Dickies pants and brand new pair of Reebok tennis shoes and he's ready for the camera. I just love a man who is manly enough to wear Hermes scarves, dont you? And who cares if the hat doesnt match the vibe of the silken scarves?
He's an opera singer, he can do whatever he wants!
I see London, I see France, I see Lindsays cleavage. At least, side cleavage.
Why does her face resemble the color of a Cheeto and her arms seem white by comparison? If you didnt know who she was and saw the photo, would you think she was at least thirty-five years old and perhaps a stripper? And is that a receding hair line? Maybe some bangs would help.
And might I suggest one of those little knit sweaters called a shrug? It would eliminate the threat of your boob popping out of the side of your tank top and enable you to wear a bra for support.
I cannot believe she went out of the house like that. In January no less. Isnt she paranoid that the only thing between her and her 'fans' is a thin piece of fabric and nothing else?
Lindsay, cover up! You dont want people to call you a hoochie or anything.
 Did anyone besides me watch ABC's reality show, Making the Band? You know how Ashley Angel was the only hottie on the show? Well, here he is looking just like the missing brother from the Hanson's, you know, Mmmmbop? What happened to his hotness? Must be hidden under that knit cap.
Not you too, Sarah Jessica!
I thought you were the high priestess of fashion! And here I see not only are you wearing Uggs, but your pants are rolled up and you let your husband go out of the house wearing a Michelin Man coat and a bright red knitted cap.
Oh! The shame. I no longer worship you, ex- style goddess! Your title is being given to someone else.
Cock-a doodle-doo! Is that a giant rooster? Nah, its just Sharon Osbourne!
I had that hair color once when I dumped a gallon of Kool-aid in my hair. Seriously, I went around with hair so red people thought it was a wig. Not a good look for me.
Hey, Sharon, since I have your attention, how do you feel about taking Ashlee Simpson in? Sort of like a foster child? See, shes got problems. She has father-daughter issues ( no one cares if shes a virgin! No one comments on her boobs!), jealousy over her sister and an absent mother.
And on the plus side, she loves black and Black Sabbath and heavy metal and punk and grunge and swears like a sailor and dances like one too. For the cost of a cup of Starbucks a day, you too can sponser Ashlee Simpson. Please show you care.
Because class cant be bought. Although Anna Nicole has what I like to call, Klass. She is a Klassy babe.
I see she is snuggled up to former Guns N' Roses dude, Slash. Do you wonder if he's thinking "Please get this woman off of me?" Notice she's kind of using him to hold herself up. I feel a sense of pity for Slash.
Psst, Anna. That lipstick makes you look like a three dollar hooker who will give blow job for free in the bathroom at a Taco Bell.
 When I think of Harrods, and Great Britain in general, I always immediately think "Lucy Liu", I mean, dont you? So thats why Im not baffled by her guest appearance at the store. What is strange to me is why she needs to stick her hands in both ends of a white Pomeranian to keep warm? Poor dog.
"Pieces, pieces, pieces of ugly..."
A few years ago, Britney Spears performed at the Superbowl Halftime show. She wore a tee shirt and a cut off tube sock as a glove. Do you recall?
Seems like Ashlee is channeling Britney in this photo based on her wardrobe choices.
Does Ashlee wear any other color besides black or is she hoping to be adopted into the Osbourne family?
Is that a tassle from a drapery around her waist? Leather chaps? FINGERLESS gloves? Is she trying to look 'tuff'? If shes trying to stay warm then yes, do the gloves, but dont wear a short sleeve shirt because thats just a fashion oxymoron.
Is that the same vest that she wore over the Black Sabbath tee shirt from her last performance?
Is she still sending messages of corruption and sinfulness to her sister via her sinister clothing and makeup?
Ashlee, do you have a stylist? Because you do need one. Really. A singing coach and a stylist. Ryan Cabrera cant do both and your dad is busy with Jess.
Why does Val Kilmer look so bloated, does he have a liver disease we dont know about?
Hey, Oliver, nice cantelope colored sweater, and keep your grubby mitts off Angelina.
And dude, Colin, why the constant denim? Even with a suit jacket over it, we can still spot the jean jacket. And please, please, stop wearing the ponytail.
I just cant stop looking at Val Kilmer. He looks uncomfortable. Maybe he's constipated?
Ahhh, it hurts! I havent done this in so long, y'all. Kev and I just lay on the couch and eat pork rinds and Funyons but I have to get in shape now. So Im just ridin' the bike and drinkin' mah Red Bull, y'all. And it hurts!
You know I hurt mah knee and couldnt workout or wear shoes, y'all.
You cant see, but Kev is sittin' right over there watchin' me. He's wearing his skull cap again. Ain't he cute?
Y'all this work out is tough! I really need a cigarette now. And a big bag of Cheetos, y'all!
 Hey again, y'all! Im doin my air guitar here while Im walkin on the treadmill. Ya like mah shirt? Y'all remember when I wore that one that said Brunettes Have More Fun? Yeah, Kev likes me as a blonde, so Im gonna wear this one now!
 Hey y'all! Im just workin out!
Brad Pitt, playing basketball and smoking. Brad, smoking is so unattractive.
Did you know that smoking will lower your sperm count? Yeah. On New Years Eve, I warned you about your fertility, didnt you listen? You were too busy watching David Arquette doing handstands when you should have been paying attention to moi.
Oh Brad. And whats with the mocassins? Yeah, I know they're suede and probably Gucci, but since when do you slip those on to play b-ball? Shouldnt you be wearing your cross trainers? It just looks silly, those long board shorts and then driving shoes. When you get back from vacation, we'll talk.
Jen, would you just admit that youre pregnant with an Affleckian child?
Lets see, lately you are always holding your shirt down in front of your belly. In this photo, you are holding a Starbucks tall coffee and walking through the rain, yet that same day you are spotted at a drs office.
Then, you are holding a brown envelope as you leave...yet insist you have a virus? Okay, if I were sick with a terrible virus that required a drs visit (by the way, after one year of pre med. I can tell you that a dr. cannot help for anything thats viral. When a sickness is bacterial, antibiotics are given), I would be home in bed, not cavorting in a downpour without an umbrella.
And I would not be drinking coffee either.
I say in a couple of months, she announces her pregnancy and then we can all fake surprise when the baby is born a few months early!
 Ooooh, what a horrific photo of Nicole Kidman! Do you think all the botox traveled down to her neck and rendered her incapable of moving her face and neck muscles? Is she imitating a possessed Stepford Wife? Is she trying to put us all under some kind of wierd spell? What the -?
Mischa, you know what would be like, so funny? If you wore a tee shirt and it said something like, now bear with me, this is just off the top of my head, but it said something like this: "My boyfriend is a millionaire and all I got was this sequined shirt!"
But seriously, when Mischa has to sew her own clothes from a curtain panel from World Market, you know theres a problem. And the problem gets bigger when we all take notice of the cheap, spray painted gold, plastic clip in her hair.
And might I suugest some calve raises to avoid the wretched cankle/piano key leg look? No offense, of course. You have really nice uh, um, errr...well, your acting is really...er...ahhh...you... have good ... skin!
Yeah, you have nice skin in those Neutrogena ads. There, I always like to end on a positive note.
We know you cant sing. We know you cant dance, as witnessed on Saturday Night Live when you did that odd little pirate jig.
We know your father loves your sister more because her boobs are bigger, I mean he's commented on that publicly. We know you are Ryan Cabrera are dating. We know you dye your hair black, paint your nails black, rim your eyes with coal and wear Black Sabbath tee shirts as a way to send evil messages of hate to your sister.
We know you use a prerecorded voice when you sing. So then, why do you keep showing up places and 'performing'? Cant you just...go do something else?
Andy "nose candy" Dick. Oh Andy. I got to view your crazed, cocaine induced neurotic tendencies first hand two years ago at a party, do you remember me? Probably not.
You were running around without your shirt and wearing only a pair of Hawaiian print boxers and black tube socks. Its nice to see you with clothes on, even if that jacket looks a wee bit small and the glasses are from the librarian over at the Los Angeles county library, minus the chain that holds them on the neck.
Can I give you a word of advice, my friend? The hair? Were you caught in a rainstorm on the way over and only your hair got wet? Curly and crispy and looking dipped in gell and styled with a can of ugly.
Id like to suggest you part ways with the Dippity Do and get a haircut over at that place in Beverly Hills I told you about. Ill leave a message on your cell phone later today. Ill just, you know, leave a message. No need to pick up.
Our friend, Trace, wearing a black wife beater and jeans that appear to force his manhood to the side with no room to spare.
Please explain to me why country music singers insist on wearing pants that go beyond creating a camel toe. The crotch grabbing pants are so tight that fertility might be an issue somewhere down the road. The jeans are forcing his gonads back up into his pelvic region.
How do you even wear those comfortably? Yes, I know we all must suffer for the sake of looking good but Wranglers are hardly high fashion. Whats wrong with some baggy Ralph Laurens? And from a purely functional standpoint, a belt is not needed when the pants are so airtight, sealed and pressurized. Thats like wearing suspenders with leggings!
When you need a shoehorn and some oil to get your jeans on, you need to go up a size or two, people.
Again, Joe "Girls Gone Wild" Francis, is wetting himself over raw footage of Nicky and Paris doing crazy, heiressy things together, things we havent seen yet even though the two sisters regularly expose their body parts through dressing mishaps. The new tape will be entitled, "Heiress's Gone Wild" and will include Nicky and Paris in compromising positions.
Somewhere, someone is very excited about that possibility. Not me though.
As we know, Nicky is working as a 'handbag designer' and Paris is an 'actress/ model' but put those two together and the sky's the limit.
Nick and Jessica, who is still wearing those hideous lasik surgery glasses that prohibit her from seeing bright colors. Which may be a reason why she insists on wearing an expensive, plaid jacket but over an extra large gray Champion sweatshirt. Jess, are you dressing in the dark again?
Rolled up jeans and Uggs? Oh man. Didnt you read the Lucky style manual I sent you? Are you going for your idea of camping couture again? We need to talk Jessica. Have your people call mine.
Geisha girl? Meg Tilly? Who is this with the black hair and white face? Oooh. Renee Zellweger.
Gotta tell ya, I like blonde hair better. The black gives off an "Im going to take a vial of blood and wear it around my neck" sorta vibe, doesnt it?
Is it me, or does she look Asian in this photo? Where is the "You had me at hello" Renee? The "You complete me" Renee? *sniff sniff* I want her back.
Prolonged viewing of this R. Kelly picture may induce high blood pressure, gaut, blood clots and hypertension.
I know what you're thinking; theres nothing like a sweaty black man in pleather. Pretty hot, huh?
Remember when I told you about my first grade crush on a purple pantsuit wearing Donny Osmond? Yeah, well, this R. Kelly photo clearly is in part to my comment about my love of violet and eggplant colors on grown men. Thanks for taking notice, R.
A leather..holster? Err...cool. Yeah, I got the tiny tank top from Forever 21 too, what a coincidence. Ummm, Id like to think thats a cast on his arm, but possibly its just the cut off portion of a long john thermal tee.
Oh geez. Check out the belt buckle. Certainly Freud would have a field day with that phallic symbol pointing to his nether regions. A big long crystal studded tongue coming out of a pair of lips? Very Rolling Stones-ish.
Lilac pleather? Where do you even get something like that?
And please, for the love of God, please tell me that huge bulge in his pants isnt what I think it is.
You just know if there was a cartoon bubble over Johns head it would read: "Yeah baby, I got me some twins!"
Bob Saget takes the photo while Dave Coulier tries to coax more than pursed lips from Mary Kate and Ashley with John "You'll always be Blackie to me" Stamos.
To be an Olsen, you must possess a pair of enormous, face hiding, Jackie O sunglasses. You must wear old ratty tee shirts and carry oversize designer bags full of Colon Blow and cold hard cash. You cannot brush your hair nor can you show teeth when you smile. Your style must be that of a hobo mixed with a hint of couture and a dash of college student slob.
Its a lot harder than it looks, trust me. But at any rate, its nice to see the girls at the Happiest Place on Earth, which if I had their money, would for sure be sitting in a corner counting my billions.
Oh Nicole. Thats so sweet! Youre wearing the necklace that Paris made for you in summer camp! The macaroni noodles on a string necklace! So cute! Very kitchsy. Very bohemian. Very anti-fashion.
And I see you have your hair in a Britney "horse hair" top knot too. And you're losing even more weight like your pal Lindsay. Put the laxatives down and get to your nearest McDonalds please. The next step in the self destruction is breast implants and you just have too much potential to be your own person, Nicole.
May I recommend not losing anymore weight and leaving your hair down? Im just looking out for you Nicole. Nicky, Paris, Tara, Lindsay...please dont make me add your name to the list of party girls with bad reputations and even worse style.
 Hey there Naomi Campbell. Wheres Usher? I thought the two of you were dating. Anyway, I see you made it over to Party City where you clearly purchased the luau costume package. I applaud your usage of the grass skirt as your entire New Years ensemble. Very innovative. Please dont hit me.
Chloe Sevigny reminds me of the girl in highschool who sat by herself in the lunch room because she was considered too strange to even be seen in a ten yeard radius of the 'cool kids'. She has her own uh...unique style.
I must say she has a great pair of legs. And I do like the oversized LV bag.
But the compliments abruptly end there. Terry cloth, eyelet trimmed -what is that thing that she's wearing? I recall the year 1979 and my own mother wore something similar but thankfully its been long banished from her closet. A donation to Salvation Army and twenty years later, it ends up on Chloe in Miami Beach.
A useless band of elastic at the waist which creates the premenstrual bloated effect and elastic at the legs gives the material a chance to poof out, unflatteringly. So not cute, not even on a baby.
And Im sure the glasses werent cheap but really, Chloe. Gas stations sell trendier eye wear. I hope the hair salon can find time to squeeze you in ASAP because those roots need a touch up. Id like to end on a positive note so let me repeat, you have fantastic legs. Its just the rest of you that needs help.
Did you think for one nanosecond there could be a party in Miami and Lindsay, Paris and Nicky wouldnt be there? haha! Surely you jest!
Its our favorite (Im using the term loosely) hardened and suntanned party girl, Lindsay Lohan, peeking over the passenger side seat, looking to be sure Aaron Carter hasnt followed her. No hon, he took one look at your Caboodles Cotton Candy pink frosted lips and Vixen red nails and ran for the hills.
Linds, you have got to stop letting Paris Hilton do your eye makeup. (I see her peeking over the seat.) She took the crayon she used to write her "biography" and drew circles around your eyes. Remember, too much around the eye makes it appear smaller and makes you seem as if youre willing to give two dollar lap dances. tsk tsk.
And I see you havent yet taken my advice and stayed out of the tanning bed. Soon your skin will be confused with the leather hide of an angus steer. Heed my warning Lindsay. The next time Kevin Federline wears a shirt that announces Beef Jerky, you know even he is trying to send you a message about your skin.
Yeah baby, Mac and Cheese. Suddenly Im hungry for limp noodles and powdered cheese.
Oh Kevin, I cant wait to see you wearing the Cheez Whiz tee shirt. And the Wonder Bread one. And the one that has the Funyons on it. And my personal fave, the pork rinds tee shirt.
Golly Kevster, tell me your fashion secrets because I have to know.
We must start with the dingy knitted skull cap that is to be worn every day so it aquires that stinky, dirty bedhead smell. Pants in sizes: Baggy, Super Baggy, Down to the crotch Baggy, Rapper Baggy. A tee shirt that proclaims a catchy saying or clever caption, or perhaps an advertisement for food stuff.
A must: white sneakers and this is really important...they must be unlaced with the tongue pulled up and out. Got that? Up and out. White shoe polish to keep those sneakers looking clean.
You may add an expensive coat/watch/Range Rover if you insist.
I really dont know what we would do without Kevin singlehandedly trying his best to bring back whats known as Trailer Trash Chic. Kid Rock tried but failed. God bless Kevin Federline, the hardest working fashion icon of 2005.
I will NOT GIVE IN TO THE PRESSURE. I will not buy Uggs even though everyone from Ben Affleck to Cindy Crawford's daughter is wearing them.
So what if they're warm? So what if they're so comfortable its like wearing buttah. I dont care. I refuse, even for a Swarovski studded, size 7.5, pure sheepskin lined FREE pair. Comfort? Whats that? We must suffer for the sake of fashion.
Cindy, you used to be a supermodel, you should know better than to wear those things in public. I see the look on your face. Youre embarrassed, arent you? I know, I know, Pamela Anderson talked you into buying a pair for each member of your family. She tried to talk me into them too but I stayed strong and didnt buy into the fad.
Its not too late to turn around and change into your Sigerson Morrison boots. Dont give in Cindy... dont....give.....in....
Blu Cantrell, dressed in what else? Blue.
From her cap right down to her blue mukluk-Uggs combo, shes all blue, all the time. Unless shes with her new girlfriend, Michelle Rodriguez, then shes not blue, shes a lesbian...hardy har har.
Anyway, I didnt realize that a racoon carcass is the fashion accessory of 2005, but apparently its very "in". And so what if it is January, Blu is hot! Thats why shes wearing a half shirt circa Wet Seal 1985. Something about the outfit is too contrived. Too much blue from the belt to the blue boots to the wierd raccon tail dyed blue to the blue thing on her shoulder.
She reminds me of the chicks that used to hang out at the Hunkabunka Ballroom back in Jersey during the early 90's. Thats not a good thing.
Is this a tooth fairy on crack? Glinda the Good Witch on crystal meth? A mystical forrest nymph on speed? No, silly. Its just Anna "Ive lost my millions" Nicole Smith dressed in what we can only guess is some kind of princess meets ballerina meets your worst nightmare get-up.
Yards and yards of cotton candy colored tulle but none to cover her breasts?
Poor Anna, she is suffering from losing her late husband's estate, but somehow, she's pulled herself up by the boot straps and managed to find the will to party.
Covered in rhinestone studded (what? you think those are real diamonds? HA!) jewelry and a tiara purchased from Claires Accessories at the mall, Anna reaches into the depths of her soul, or the drugs in her purse, and puts on a happy face to ring in the new year.
Lets ring in the new year with some hoochie mama!Wooo hooo! Yeah baby, lift it higher! Wooo hoooo!
This is the end result of a long night of jello shooters and Jaegermeister (not to be confused with Nickys ex husband, Todd Meister).
How did that hat end up on your head, Nicky? "I dunno!"
Why are you lifting up your dress? "I dunno!"
Are you drunk? "I dunno!"
Are you going to sleep with the guy in the cheesey Miami Spice tee shirt? "I dunno!"
Are you aware that your boob is almost showing and Joe Francis has this on tape for the 2005 Girls Gone Wild video?
"I dont care! Woooo hoooo! Party at Enrique's house, baby! Wooo hooo!"
You've just gotta love that crazy heiress! ...or not.
Ashley "Im not the sick one" Olsen here carrying a bag that weighs more than she does. That purse probably costs as much as three payments on my Escalade.
I see Ashley is also in possession of those hangover glasses (see: Paris Hilton) that are so popular with the skinny, Comet snorting gaggle of starlets these days. Funny how Ash can go out in an old tee shirt and leggings and her style is lauded as funky and unique. I go out like that and people ask if Ive been sick.
PS. Did you notice her "monkey lips"? Note to Ashley, DON'T POUT.
Is JC Chavez trying for a new look? Appears that he's attempting the punk rock look that was made famous during the filming of Rock N Roll Highschool with Joey Ramone.
Dude, its not working for you!
Lets review. White boys undershirt, size small? Black blazer, size petite. Are those...baggy cropped pants ... on a guy? Dude! Rethink that one! And Chuck Taylor high tops with white tube socks? Yeaaaahhhh.
I can only guess you were trying for a hard-core, punk-rock, kick-ass look but the result is that you visited a used clothing store and hit the reject pile (see: Ashlee Simpson). I have a feeling that 'suit' carries the odor of mothballs.
Maybe thats what Eva is laughing at, " Hahaha! Oh, my boyfriends style is so cute! Look at his little shirt! See his pants? heeheee!"
And Eva, dont think you've escaped my viper eye.
Sleeveless shirt with toilet paper wrapped around your arms. Gee, I wish you were in the bathroom with me today when there was no toilet paper in the stall. Could have used those sleeves. Im guessing Robert Downey Jr was there and used your head as his hat rack, what other reason is there for that mens fedora to be on your head?
Seriously, call me. JC, I know we havent spoken since that whole Justin vs. Britney debacle but really, time to put it behind us. You clearly need help and Id like to be there for you.
 Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson, sporting the Hunting Wear Couture, late winter 2004 collection. Funny how your furry hat resembles your husbands hair, Kate. You both kind of look like something Woodstock forgot back in the 1960's . Sometimes I wonder if Chris bathes. Ive been around him and between you and me, he carries the odor of patchouli and mixed with the heavenly aroma of cigarettes and whiskey. Together Kate and Chris remind me of hippies with a garden full of marijuana plants, incense burning and a baked bean color Toyota van with a peace sign on the bumper sticker. Hey, nothing wrong with a little free love, just ask Pamela Anderson.
 Yeah, yeah. We know you arent wearing underpants. But thanks for bending over to give the girls behind you a peek. Been there, done that, Paris!
 Oh geez, please tell me youre not thinking about Aaron Carter. Because Ive got to tell you, hes been dreaming about the boys from O Town. Or are you constipated? Deep in concentration about where you are? Wondering how to remove stubborn eye makeup? May I suggest a bar of Dove soap and a hair brush?
Lindsay Lohan looking, lets say, rather haggard on New Years Eve.
This year I decided I would stay away from any celeb studded affair and have a quiet night with some close pals. Do the names Jen and Brad ring a bell? And oh, you should totally see David Arquette hit the karaoke machine! Hysterical!
Well, after I got home early this morning and slept off a vodka tonic hangover, I found this photo of poor Linds, resembling a dancer from Scores minus the dollar bills and the garters.
The hair! Shes got sweaty dance hair. Happens when youre doing the running man and the cabbage patch without a break. Time to freshen up.
Linds, all you needed to do was turn the hand dryer upside down and brush your hair out. But the makeup? Ech! Have you been dabbling in Courtney Loves cosmetic bag? Not only do I spy clown cheeks but eyes that look like a tranny on Sunset Strip at day break.
Wheres the sweet, fresh scrubbed freckle face? Babe, you seriously look forty five years old after thirty years of drugs, hard drinking, Marlboros and bad boys.
One word for you: DETOX
Aaron "Ziggy Stardust" Carter takes a moment to think about life and love as two chickies (is that Nicky Hilton in the backseat, yes I think it is) wait for him to rev the engine and blow out of where ever it was they couldnt get into because Aaron is still underage. And dont make fun of him because he's sitting on a phone book in order to reach the pedals!
Why does Aaron always have that look on his face like he's dreaming of an alternate universe, or Ricky Martin?
And I would like to take a moment and instruct Aaron to get rid of the bangs. Any guy over age five shouldnt have bangs. Even though hes wearing a trucker cap ( so 2004) I can see a snippet of blonde fringe. Aaron, get out your Playskool scissors and trim that shizzle off!
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