Monday, January 31
I was having cocktails at the Four Seasons with Dustin Hoffman late Friday night when he turned to me and suddenly blurted out that he wanted a part in the new Willy Wonka movie starring Johnny Depp. "Well," I asked, "Which part do you want? Grandpa Joe?"
"No." he laughed. "I want to be an Oompa Loompa! Look, Im the right size, see?"
And then he got down on his knees and showed me how short he could make himself and I looked at him and I said, "Dustin, Ill make the call. See you at the Chocolate Factory!"
"Yeah, I know I should be thinking hard about the World Economic Forum. But seriously, how can I concentrate knowing Brad is home, waiting for me? Now that he's gotten rid of that bag of bones, he's all mine.
This is going according to plan. People are going to wonder how could I go from a shlub like Billy Bob to a fine specimen like Brad. Oh well, let them talk. I dont care. When have I ever cared? Brad is so...manly. So hot. I dont understand how he ever married that career driven hussy whose biggest claim to fame is being on a tv show. She's never even been to Cambodia for crying out loud! There is not a maternal bone in her body and we all know Brad loves kids.
Hmmm. Maddox Pitt. Has a good ring to it. This might work. We will appear together on the press junket for Mr & Mrs. Smith. Then we can go public later with our romance. I'll bear his children. I dont have six romantic comedies lined up like some people. And Brad and I can go ride our motorcycles together because that other woman was afraid to mess up her hair on the Harley. The world will see Im a much better match for him than she ever was! mwahahahahaha! Brad will be mine. Oh yes. He will be mine."
Everyone has been emailing and sending me telepathic messages regarding Britney in Las Vegas. In case you havent heard, the moment Kevin "Cletus" Federline stuck his white unlaced sneaker over the threshold of the Spearmint Rhino, Britney was there faster than a speeding bullet. Can you imagine the horror- she had to fly coach!- from Los Angeles to Las Vegas. Poor Britney had to suffer the indignity of America West airlines like a common peon, you know, like the rest of us.
And good thing she got there in the nick of time, Cletus was just about to get a lap dance from a big breasted stripper. Whew! That was a close one, y'all. Rumor has it that Brit was all over Cletus and then the two took off like a prom dress at midnight, headed for the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino where all the famous people stay. And yes, Ive been there several times and have gambled the night away in front of a Jimi Hendrix slot machine.
We should take a page out of Brit's book: Keep thy man in line. And out of Vegas strip clubs. And in baggy pants. And drinking Red Bull and eating Cheetos.
Sunday, January 30
This is Eva Oinkford. Remember, the winner of the Americas Next Top Model?
She is totally cute. But whats with her outfit? A crocheted afghan blanket poncho paired with the bottom of my prom dress from 1989? And green gloves? Oh honey.
You know I love individual style and the freedom to express ones self but orange and green? That makes me crave a tangerine and celery sticks. Faux satin? Think: bridesmaids gown.
Poncho and prom dress? Say it aint so, Eva. I personally know Donatella Versace. I was a muse for her long before I led that backpacking expedition through Nepal in 1996.
Let me make the introductions and get you something funky and cool to wear. I never want to see you on my website again unless you are sporting a gorgeous dress that doesnt involve a green bow and a bare stomach with a blue satin clutch bag.
Okay. Im going to share something personal with you. Besides from my girl crush on Angelina (hi honey!), I have a huge crush on this guy. Dr. Hotness from ER. Goran "Croatian Sensation" Visnijc. He is so hot. I say he should lose his trout pout barnacle wife and come to mama.
Can you even imagine if he was a real doctor? Id be going into the ER complaining of rapid heart beats and tingling loins. And Id let him run whatever tests he wanted to on me. Naked.
It makes total sense that Oksana Baul should be at the Raging Bull party. Because..like..Oksana is..and Robert De Niro...okay, I fail to see what she's doing at the party. Who invited her? Is she still skating? Is she still driving her Mercedes into trees in Connecticut?
Anyway, let's check out her shiny spandex-blend-taupe pantyhose. Oksana...dont you know we must suffer for the sake of fashion? Do what I do- be cold, but look good. Forgo the hose.
Lets move on to her rabbit-fox-cougar-chinchilla-mink coat that looks like an animal swallowed her and spit out her head, but kept her hands. Why do people insist on wearing fur coats? Each time you wear a fur, you run the risk of Pamela Anderson popping out of a nearby bush with PETA cohorts and her can of red spray paint.
I'm still not getting the Raging Bull-ice skating link. Unless you recall the time Oksana skated to Scarface on Ice. Oh wait, that was Al Pacino. Now I'm really lost.
Hi Ben. Just wanted to drop you a line and let you know that I thought you were totally cute in Armageddon although I'm not a fan of that kind of movie and I'm not a fan of Bruce Willis.
When you did Pearl Harbor, you were downright hot. But then came the Gigli year when you were Lopez-ed into a Gucci wearing dandy with gelled hair and a waxed face complete with bronzing gel to match your girlfriend. I heard the rumors you insisted on being spritzed with Glo everywhere you went, and wanted white lilies to match your Bentley. I wasnt crazy about you then and I was forced to let the flame of lust die down.
And then you broke up with Jen and your bad movie became a distant memory. I was happy you hooked up with Jen Garner- she is so sweet. Ive known her for years. Although I was miffed she broke up with Scott Foley, because he is so cute. But then you got back to your normal, guy next door persona and I was happy for you. I even started finding you appealing once again.
And then....I came across that photo of you wearing Uggs. Okay, I gave you a break and ignored the fact that you too were buying into the Ugg trend. So what if it looked like you had hotdog buns on your feet. I forgave and forgot. Because you have broad shoulders and you're tall and look really good in loose fitting jeans and you have a great sense of humor.
And then I saw this. You wearing Uggs. Again. In black. And now, I feel there is no excuse. And it looks like you tucked your trousers into the Uggs which is a double no-no in my fashion book. So once again, Im going to bid farewell to my crush on you and move on to someone else. So long, Ben. This is it. Good bye. Im not coming back to you. Okay then. Bye. Bye Ben. See you later. Im really leaving now. Okay. Bye.
Hey there, jiggle kitten! Hard to believe at one point Jessica Simpson was a virginal, innocent, modest, conservative girl. Now she looks like she should be rolling around on the top of a red Camaro in a Whitesnake video circa 1985. She is a big hair bimbo video vixen from a boy band minus the smoke machine and leather pants.
I do not have big boobs, so you must help me out with this- if you have that much boobage, does the average woman want to push them up and out, front and center, wear a leather vest one size too small and show them off like a new pair off diamond earrings? I think a big red arrow pointing to my chest would be less obvious.
And then pair them with a pair of yeast infection inducing, camel toe jeans?
"Jessica, you know, you look like a Playboy bunny minus Hugh Hefner and his robe."
"Really? Oh my Gah! I didnt even know what I was wearing! Silly me! You mean like, this isnt called a sweatshirt? Size S doesnt mean Sweet?"
I just came across this very flattering photo of an Asian eyed Courtney Love. I wanted to post it for your viewing pleasure. But please, folks. Dont stare at it too long or you will develop rectal bleeding and high blood pressure.
Courtney refuses to be a slave to fashion, instead she takes delight in wearing the bed linen dress with a huge rip under the arm. And who says you cant sing and smoke at the same time? ha! She is so talented, she can sing, smoke, belch and swear at the same time, all while appearing in court to prove she is a competent mother.
It was nice of Miss Amanda Peet to invite us all over to sit on her veranda and sip mint juleps. Why, just last week she had me over for the ladies quilting circle where we spoke of her involvement in the prohibition. She whispered in my ear that her uncle made moonshine in the bathtub and then we snuck off to share a sip.
Later we met at the VFW and did the charleston with the McRyan brothers who just came back from the war. Always such a lady, that Amanda. Never wears an improper item of clothing while I left the buttons of my shirt undone and danced in my mothers high heels.
Amanda pursed her lips and shook her head as I took off my cardigan. She was always the more decent one of the two of us. Never shows a hint of her kneecaps or shoulders. Necklines up to her throat. Pearls everyday. That Miss Amanda, she sure is a proper lady.
Im so glad that I found this photo of Kathryn Morris to share with you.
If I didnt have a picture, I would be forced to try to describe her outfit. And what could I say? That its a sundress with a bib in the front? With overall straps and a tropical print over black tights in a rayon blend fabric? It would be too hard to visualize.
Therefore, Im so happy to have the photo right here for your viewing pleasure. Its hard to believe there are stylists for hire in Hollywood, and yet actresses continue to try to dress themselves. With designers like Prada, Marc Jacobs, Betsey Johnson, there is no excuse to be dressing like this. No excuse at all.
Saturday, January 29
SHWING! You know Jack Osbourne is totally stoked to be standing next to Carmen Electra. Hes trying to play if off all cool and everything, but deep down inside hes like, "YES! Carmen is standing right next to me. She bloody wants me! Dave who? She wants a piece of the Jackmeister!"
And then our eyes travel over to poor Courtney Love who looks like she got in a tangle with my Irish linen bed sheets. The addition of a shapeless black cardigan does not do anything to funk up the ill fitting dress which has been hacked along the bottom in an angry attempt to hem it with some hedging clippers.
Her face is looking less and less like the Courtney we used to know and love, this is what happens when you go under the knife too many times. You end up looking like a bloated, boozy Jocelyn Wildenstein and Britney Spears hybrid.
Court, stay home and get some rest. Hire a stylist. Brush your hair and teeth. Lets clean you up. Maybe you and Paula can get a two -for- one stay at Promises?
What a coincidence! I was wearing the same exact dress but paired mine with a string of pearls.
I had my cigarillo in my crystal studded cigarette holder and was vacuuming when my husband walked in the door. I greeted him with a Martini and put some Sinatra on the stereo while I rubbed his feet and lit his pipe. Debra Messing must be inspired by June Cleaver, wouldnt you say?
I do believe she is hiding Jack and Karen under the voluminous skirt portion of her dress. I want to point out that her feet look like long loaves of French bread in those shoes. Not flattering. Im going to have to pass on the outfit. Sorry Deb. Next time how about something a little more fitted?
Friday, January 28
Kirstie Alley. Gosh, I remember when you were on Cheers and were so pretty. What happened? Middle age happened I guess. And with no access to the outdoors, all you can do is sit at the kitchen table and eat Chips Ahoy and biscuits with gravy. I feel so bad for you and refuse to point out your double and triple chins.
Jennie Craig isnt helping is it, hon? That might be because you simply cannot drink heavy cream and pair your meals with sticks of butter and chocolate icing out of the can. And under no circumstance can you keep eating Fudgie the Whale cakes from Caravel. Sort of defeats the purpose of prepackaged meals. Ill be glad to go over your diet again,Im here to help!
Thats okay, you do not have to buy me flowers. It was my pleasure to do a cameo on your show. It was the least I could do for you.
But I didnt like when John Travolta and Tom Cruise tried to force me into the Scientology bus and made me read L. Ron Hubbard and watch Battlefield Earth. I didnt care for that experience. And then when Jenna Elfman tried to hook me up to that machine...I cant talk about it. Lets just say I now understand what drove you into the arms of Ben & Jerry.
This is Jodie Marsh, a British celebrity.
Clearly she was posing for an Anne Geddes catalogue with two newborn babies stuffed in her bra. You can see their little bottoms poking out of her white shirt, how cute. Dont you love babies? I do.
But then something bad happened. Poor Jodie wet her pants. Yes, its true. So she had to find something else to wear and decided on a pair of overalls which were left in the costume department for the British version of Hee Haw. She left the bib down so that no one could see her wet spot. It could happen to anyone.
And then since it was raining outside, she rolled her pants up so she wouldnt step in a puddle. Its the only reasonable explanation for her outfit.
Anne Heche was discovered in Sundance, wandering around and speaking in her native tongue of Martian dialect. Apparently she had no clue where she was and asked aloud how she got Clydesdale hooves on her legs. She thought perhaps she was half woman, half horse.
But then she caught a glimpse of herself in the reflection of Paris Hiltons sunglasses and wondered how the Pillsbury Doughboy's hat ended up on her head and how a train conducters vest found its way onto her chest?
Besides that, she was confused about how she came to be wearing spandex pants and drew the only resonable conclusion she could: in a dream like state, she had hitched a ride on the Polar Express on the way to Planet Beldar and mistakenly gotten off at the wrong stop.
Thursday, January 27
First and foremost, although Jenny is cute, hasnt anyone else noticed her Leno-esque chin? Okay. With that out of the way, I didnt know that clam diggers and pointy boots paired together were in style?
I think she figured "Why bother with full length pants? Ill just find a pair that ends where my boots begin! Cool! Yeah! Wanna see my nose hair?"
But to me it looks like shes going wading in the river for halibut and grabbed the first pair of shoes she could find which happened to be black boots. Just a word to my fellow fashionistas out there: pants that end below your knee are not flattering. They cut your legs off and create an image that your thighs are chunky sausages.
Jen, may I suggest wearing jeans and please, do not tuck them into your boots. Thats a trend that must die a quick and painless death.
I know, I know. You just thought that by wearing pants that were short, you could avoid the whole tucking-in thing. Wrong. I know fashion can be headache inducing and lots of work but darling, we all must put our best foot forward when cameras are clicking. And that means just say NO to clam diggers.
Phoebe Price at- where else?- Sundance. Phoebs bought the decorative crucifix from the Museum Company and threaded a chain through it, hanging it around her neck, not realizing her long icicle earrings would totally clash with her religious artifact.
I guess she dresses with the motto "Just throw it all together. It doesnt have to match." Yes. Yes it does. Especially when the press is there to take your picture.
The sequined trimmed top paired with the big, plaid, wool newsboy cap? No. And the cap doesnt match the cross and the red jacket clashes with everything. This outfit is five kinds of wrong. Who is her stylist- Ashlee Simpson or Bai Ling? Wait, theres no black. Must be Bai.
"And I, Tara Reid, do solemnly swear to wear a top that covers my chest. I promise to not expose my implants again. I also want to let my fans know I will be wearing underpants and not sleeping around. I swear this as the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me Dr. 90210."
Tara! I almost didnt recognize you wearing a garment that covers your sagging boobies. Thanks for not exposing us to another view of your drooping cow tits. Sorry to be crude, but I call it as I see it.
I applaud the new, demure Tara, however, the blazer reminds me of something my grandma might pair with what she calls "slacks". And she would wear it on her way out to Sunday night bingo along with her Easy Spirits and her oversized plastic clip on earrings with a tissue tucked up her sleeve and a pair of glasses on a chain.
Not to get you down, Tara. This is very positive, it is a huge step in your maturity. Just maybe too big of a leap from dressing as a slutty age 29 to a polyester wearing age 79. You could find a happy medium and cover up, but leave the synthetic fibers to the seniors .
Keep in mind not to wear a jacket that comes with knitted buttons that are as large as coasters. Other than that, I think our little Tara is growing up.
Mischa Barton rings the closing bell at the New York Stock Exchange. My question is this: WHY?
Is it because The OC is associated with Wall Street? Is she really a financial genius (well she is dating the heir to a multi million dollar fortune, she gets points for that). And is that guy on the left checking out her boobs?
Healther Locklear, I know how you feel. Sick. I have the same response when I think of The Simple Life on television tonight. I hate the fact that two spoiled, pampered girls who dont know a real days work take on jobs that enable them to tease, put down and disrespect other people. But thats just me.
Meanwhile, somewhere in California, Paris is counting off one hundred dollar bills as she shops at Fred Segal and spends hundreds of dollars for one cashmere shirt and a crystal studded belt.
And when four a.m. rolls around and she stumbles home from a club doing what I like to call The Walk of Shame, she finally passes out on her pink canopy feather bed and sleeps on a pile of newly minted Ben Franklins.
I really dont mean to pick on Brooke Burns. Im sure shes a nice enough girl. But just look at her jacket! It looks like something you would tie around your Irish Setters neck before you head to the park to play frisbee on a spring day.
And again with the boots! I guess theres not much you can do with jeans and boots but Im getting really tired of seeing every single person tuck their pants into their footwear. I buy boots that I can wear under my jeans. Skinny boots. Flared pants. Its a good combo. I suggest these Sundance snowbunnies try it out.
Wednesday, January 26
Is Ashlee Simpson really earning enough money to purchase an LV bag? Has her album really sold so many copies that she can be eating at trendy LA restaurants and wearing designer jeans? And wearing donkey tail hair extensions? Wow. Then Im in the wrong business.
Maybe I should try cutting my own album. I pretty much place myself on the same par as those American Idol rejects when it comes to singing. But who knows? If Ashlee can not only make records, but have her own TV show, then whats holding me back? Well, except a huge lack of acting and singing ability although that clearly doesnt stop some people.
Anyway, Ashlee must keep up with Jessica, Pam, Britney and Paris and carry around her own Louis Vuitton doggie carrier. Its just tres chic in Hollywood to use a puppy as an accessory. Everyone is doing it, arent you? I am. But instead of a dog in my carrier, I keep Verne "Mini Me" Troyer in there.
And I dont want to fail to mention Ashlee's jeans tucked into her sheepskin trimmed Uggs. Please tell me, WHEN will that trend be over?
Were your ears burning, Shannen? I was just talking about you.
I see that you and your ex, Rick (he of the Michelin Man vest), are back together. Listen, if he invites you back up to his room to either view a movie that he has made, or partake in the creation of some amateur film-making, I strongly suggest you say "No thank you".
"One Night In Shannon" doesnt have quite the same catchy ring to it as "One Night In Paris".
Paula, I would just like to remind you to leave the Vicodin/Ativan bottles at home. And is that really soda you're drinking? I find that you seem a little out of it lately, thats a polite way of saying you seem wasted.
There must be a reasonable excuse why your speech is slurred and why your eyes are half open throughout the show. And naturally, I believe your awful fashion choices must be drug induced, what other explanation is there for tube tops and heavy gold necklaces and earrings that rest on your clavicle?
Not to mention your gelled, moused and hair sprayed pompadour that is slicked back on the sides with DippityDo and held in place with an army of bobby pins. How about the Wet N' Wild eyeshadow palette in "Frosted Olive"? And the Lip Smackers in "Purple Pearl"?
And Simon has complained to me on occasion of your heavy dousing of Parfumes de Cour in the imitation White Diamonds scent.
Ben Affleck highly recommends Promises if you're having...troubles. And as usual, my offer to guest judge still stands. Ill be more than happy to fill in for you at any time. I dont have singing experience, talent nor do I know a thing about carrying a tune but I can come up with some pretty snarky comments if given the chance.
How many cases of genital warts between the two of these people? Care to guess? Come on, its like guessing how many jelly beans are in a jar!
Other questions on my mind: Is the tongue on Paris' shirt really pointing to Pam's belly, sending us a subliminal message about bi-sexuality? Why does Pam look so dazed and haggard? And why does Paris always cock her head to one side? Its like her brain is too heavy to hold upright. Not that Im passing judgement or anything. Maybe she does have an unusually hefty noggin, its possible I suppose.
And Pam, I havent heard from you since that mini-dog took up residence in your bra and you took up with Stephen Dorff. Seems like youve given up distressedjeans in favor of hohilton. And thats short for hotelhilton, by the way. Not like, a ho. That would just be mean.
Wow, Christina. Nice boobs on parade. Your head is the size of one of your breasts. I like your "distressed jeans" though.
I personally dont care for the shirts that are tight on top and then flare out like a maternity top. I avoid anything that makes it look like I might be pregnant or hiding something in the back pockets of my jeans. Or toting a small child in my oversize leather bag.
Christina, I would love to wipe that scarlet lipstick off and apply a subtle frosty pink. I would also let your hair down and color it a darker shade of golden blonde. But all that aside, Im happy for you- I hear an engagement will be announced soon.
And good for you. You didnt go for a Cheeto eating, Red Bull swigging, track suit wearing rapper wanna be who has already fathered a couple of kids and is living off your millions. Not that I know anyone who fits that description.
Clomid to Britney...stat!Because Britney Spears has still not gotten pregnant by hubby Kevin Federline, who has already fathered two children with his previous partner, Shar Jackson, the singer is worried that she may have a fertility problem. "She's afraid it's her fault they're not pregnant yet," a source told Star magazine. "But Britney says if she's not pregnant by the end of January, she'll go see a fertility specialist for help. She doesn't care about the cost."
Heres Shannon Doherty, ready to put up her green fisted dukes and fight Paris Hilton in case the name "Rick Soloman" should come up during one of the many parties at Sundance. Yeah, Robert Redford might have to break up a good old fashioned cat fight...meow!
If you dont know what Im speaking of, let me refresh your memory. Rick and Shannon were married, then divorced after a short time of wedding un-bliss. Then Rick got this great idea to hide a nanny cam in his bachelor pad. When Paris asked what the teddy bear on top of the dresser was for, he just laughed and told her to turn to the right and tilt her shoulders back a little and face the bear with her top off.
Fast forward and now One Night In Paris is a cult hit among fans of cheap, home-made porn.
And Shannon is probably breathing a sigh of relief because imagine if she was still married to him when this happened? Oh the scandal!
Neat-o. I had no idea that Jennifer Lopez also shopped at Shabby Chic. Does Rachel Ashwell know that her floral linens are being used to swathe the singer in a makeshift dress?
I swear, any of us could do the exact same thing with a fabric remnant, although the sleeves are a little bit tricky. You need to use lots pins and clips. Then you need to belt a couple of yards of floral fabric with brown leather regardless of the colors in the material.
And if the material is not sewn together and you happen flash your private parts for all the world to see, no one will really care because the entire population of MTV watchers have already seen Ben Affleck lustfully caress your butt on a yacht in your video.
And Im really talking to Jennifer Lopez unless theres someone else out there who let Ben touch their butt cheeks (hey Jen Garner, Im talking to you!).
Im not quite sure if Im comfortable wearing a dress that could double for a curtain, a table cloth and a shower curtain. But the boots are cool.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest heiress of them all? Like, totally!
Why, look who else just happens to be in Sundance? And Im telling you, its not to watch the films. Apparently its to gaze longingly into a mirror and practice her one eyed pout.
And my trusty sources (who failed to score me tickets to the affair) tell me that Paris was busy scooping up the free gifts for the attendees. All right, like she needs free gifts? She could buy her own movie studio and she's enjoying the goodie bags?
I dont even think Paris knows what Sundance is all about, no offense to the Hilton clan but she is three sandwiches short of a picnic basket, you know what Im sayin? Of course Nicky is there too. Because there are some raging parties and lots of young men around. And thats what Sundance is all about.
Ricky Martin is shaking his bon bon in front of a dotted backdrop at a club. See, when the night winds down and its last call, the curtain is placed on the dance floor and the entire club takes place in a raunchy game of Twister.
He gives the place two thumbs up and a snap. I dont mean to be offensive but this photo makes Ricky look a little...happy, if you know what I mean and I think you do.
Tuesday, January 25
Same shizzle, different day.
Brooke is determined to make the pearls and Louise Brooks hairdo work for her. The only difference between today and yesterday is the color of the shirt and the fur coat. And again, WHY is Brooke Burns at Sundance? Along with such luminaries as Jenny McCarthy, Carmen Electra and Pammy Anderson. What a bevy of brilliant stage and screen legends. Wish I was there. *sniff*
Running with the theme of cinamatic splendor at Sundance, we see Pamela Anderson, trying to hide under an enormous scarf/blanket and furry moon boots carrying a huge leather bag that would make Mary Kate Olsen weep with envy. I would like to take a moment and point out that she is wearing boots that will look like matted dogs when she inadvertently steps in slush, after all, hello!
This is Utah, people. There is snow. And its wet and does not mix well with white fox fur boots. All she needs is to have Ashton Kutcher drive by with his big truck, splashing her with dirty water from a puddle in the road.
Note how Pammy curled her hair for the outdoor activities but neglected to touch up her roots. I see how Pam could have been invited to attend, after all, you dont have to be a rocket scientist to appreciate the theatric masterpiece and acting excellence of Baywatch. I can see the thread however tenuous, that binds Batwatch and VIP to the highly acclaimed Sundance Film Festival.
Again, why wasnt I invited? DONT THEY KNOW WHO I AM?
Okay, what is Jenny McCarthy doing at the Sundance Film Festival? And why is she doing the pee-pee dance?
I thought this was a showing of independent films that were of a certain intellectual level. I suppose arm-pit farts, belches and nose boogers are always in fashion whether at Cannes or Sundance.
Thus, Jenny in Utah to celebrate all bodily functions as well as excellence in amatuer movie making. I totally get the connection.
Remember when Brooke Burns hosted that show, Dog Eat Dog? And she was blonde and hot?
Well, post break-up from Bruce Willis she hacked her hair and dyed it brown. Or she dyed it brown while she was dating Bruce. In an effort to make her more Demi-like, he asked her to please color her hair dark brown and then he proceeded to don plastic gloves and applied Feria haircolor to her blonde locks. Then they broke up.
And then she cut it with her manicure scissors. And then she added Grandmas pearls and tucked her jeans into her boots which is a trend I cannot stand right there along with the UGGs that everyone but me is wearing right now. I prefer a ballet flat, or for Sundance, a pair of red faux alligator skin boots with my jeans OVER them. Except I wasnt invited to Sundance even though Im totally full of talent and full of myself. But I digress.
Look at Brooke Burns now. Gone is the gorgeous blonde. Now she looks like Parker Posey from Youve Got Mail. Now Parker Posey is cute and all, but Brooke Burns as Parker Posey is not.
Jeff Foxworthy would be so proud! YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK if you wear an ugly hat with a hideous scarf around it and leave your shirt unbuttoned. But who is he kidding? Kid Rock aint no redneck. He's a wealthy guy brought up in upper class Detroit!
Right now, do you think Britney Spears is looking at Kid Rock saying, "Y'all, I like totally messed up. Kid Rock is like, such a hottie. I shoulda held out for him with his long hair and his little paunchy tummy. Dang Cletus! Gimme another bag'a Cheetos!"
For goodness sake, Bob Richie, button your darn shirt and tuck that shizzle into your pants! The only acceptable reason to leave your shirt wide open is if you have like, totally hard abs, Im talking a nice rippling six pack, not...like what you have which I like to call a party keg belly.
And you do have one thing in common with Kevin Federline. You both are in need of a facial hair stylist. Ever hear of something called a Razor? Let me send you my Sally Hansen Wax strips and just follow the directions on the side of the box. Oh, and how could I forget? Long, thin hair is never a good look for a guy approaching middle age. Thats not even a mullet. Thats like an ...ullet. Get it cut, homeslice!
Dear Distressed Jeans,
Thank you for the letter you mailed me urging me to stop sleeping on park benches wearing my overcoat. I did get a little tired of waking up with pigeons nesting on my back and squirrels digging into my pocket for my...nuts.
I appreciate the box of Crest Whitestrips you mailed me, as you can see, I used them. What got to me was when you said it looked like I steeped my teeth in a cup of Earl Gray. I used those Whitestrips every day as you directed.
I also wanted to let you know that I did use the Neet Hair Care removal to get rid of unwanted facial hair. It felt pretty good. And it was super nice of you to give me that coupon for the Bliss Spa. I went and had a full body wax and my first shower in months. I forgot what it was like to actually wear deodorant and wear a clean pair of boxers, what a feeling. I havent felt this clean since...Uma.
As you mentioned, I got rid of my trucker hat and plaid jacket for the premiere of my movie although I kept my John Deere cap and hunting shirt for the Knicks game. Thanks for all your advice regarding hygiene and skin care but I must draw the line at changing my name from Ethan Hawke to Ethan Dove.
Kelly emailed me this photo of the guests at Mar-A-Lago. I felt feverish when I saw this particular picture of Gal Reynolds and Star Jones.
I so wish I could have been at that reception to throw ice cubes at the back of Star's head. Look, I havent told you about when I was invited to Star's wedding. I wanted to bring my best friend and she refused to let me because my buddys name wasnt on the GUEST LIST. I was so annoyed, wouldnt you be?
To get even, I mailed her Correctal laxatives and a box of adult diapers. Al called me to chat 'gal to gal' but I wouldnt speak because I knew I was on speaker phone.
How did I know that, you ask? Well, I could hear Star wheezing in the background. And then I heard the toilet flush and I knew my gift was a success.
It was amazing..or so I hear. Too bad I was busy co-chairing a charity event in the Caribbean and couldnt make it to the Trump Wedding. I hate being pulled in so many directions but you know, I just cant be everywhere at once. I had to turn down a guest judge spot on American Idol, but after seeing Crazy Camel Toe Mary, I dont feel so bad.
Donald did call me the night before the big event and I assured him that Melania was a lovely girl and yes, he was making the right choice.
I hope Donald doesnt mind that I purchased a wooden monkey basket from TJ Maxx as a wedding gift and sent it along with my friend, Kelly Ripa. I just didnt happen to have an extra six thousand dollars laying around to purchase a single white-gold spoon.
However, I fully expact a handwritten thank you note from Melania. It was a totally bitchin' bowl. Who needs an eight thousand dollar vase that will end up as a toilet paper holder when a twelve dollar bowl really says you care?
Thursday, January 20
Gosh, Jennifer Lopez's hair extensions look really nice dont they? The shirt..pretty color, but I would suggest maybe a size medium instead of petite. I like my own shirts to cover the overflow of blubber on my waist, when Jen sits down Im sure she will see my point.
The fit of those pants..so flattering. And the way the pants just progress right into the shoes is rather interesting. There is no beginning or ending to the capri pants, they are part of the shoe/sandal combo. She went to the cobbler and had him attach her pinstriped trousers to her gladiator boots for an inspiring fashion statement.
Instead of being cutting edge and funky and hip, Jennifer looks like she has not one but two prosthetic legs. Odd fashion choice. I'll give this one two thumbs down.
Its true. Nicole Kidman took a photo of Jack Nicholson to her waxer and indicated she wanted her eyebrows to tilt upwards, "Like Jack. Or Christian Slater." She was very clear with the instructions.
With her brows now shaped into devilish arches, she looks evil, the exact persona she is hoping to introduce to the public on the arm of that guy, Stephen Bing. Who is the father of Elizabeth Hurley's son, Damian, which is the name of a hellion from a horror movie, are you seeing the connection people?
Two weeks ago I saw Nic, and she was stuffing a velvet pouch full of potions and elixirs and chanting something I couldnt understand. I watched as she lit candles wearing a long black robe. Her eyes rolled into the back of her head as her body shuddered and collapsed. The next time we came face to face was at the Golden Globes where she had a peacock feather stuck in the strap of her dress. I didnt want to ask her what it meant but I think shes up to something. Stay tuned.
I just received a photo of the new Vogue with Melania Knauss on the cover in her wedding dress. Look, this is pretty hush-hush, so I would appreciate the following information staying right here.
Upon announcing her engagement to Donald Trump, Melania flew down to Mar-A-Lago on the TrumpJet and proceeded to rip the silk curtains from the windows of the estate. She then hopped aboard the TrumpCopter, back to New York City where the very thrifty Melania grabbed her sewing kit and piece by piece fashioned those curtains into flowing bridal wear that would put Vera Wang to shame.
She then tightly gathered the fabric in random handfuls and stapled it in bunches. She went to the Bra & Corset shop to have a custom made undergarment created so she could tighten the top of the gown in order to show off her bosom. She did not want her breasts and waist to get lost under all the silk folds.
She hired Marla Maples to hand-stitch clusters of sequins and beads on the dress- all fifteen yards of it. Im telling you right now, that Melania is one special gal.
Donald even made the proclaimation that this marriage will work because he will not be having any girlfriends on the side. If that proves untrue, Melania can always smother the other women with the ample silk from her gown.
Wednesday, January 19
Its a harsh, harsh world out there, people. Can you believe Nicole Richie has to carry her own vitamin water? Its unbelievable.
Why should she have to shlep around her own purse and bottle when her perfectly fine assistant is behind her, trailing with her garment bag and dry cleaning. Whats wrong with her, cant she carry both in one hand so poor Nicole doesnt have to hold her purse, leather bag and water?
Nicole is clearly buckling under the confines of two bags. She shouldnt have to strain herself doing trivial things. Huh! Carry her own stuff? Preposterous! This girl needs another assistant, pronto. Another one to walk behind the first assistant.
Personally, I enjoy having a parade of helpers behind me, as I herald my arrival down the street with trumpets and streamers. My assistants carry things like keys and lipstick, another one carries my sunglasses and bags from Fred Segal, someone else carries my purse and hand sanitizer.
Why should I have to tire my arms with such petty items when three people can share in the thrill of holding my necessities? Nicole, get a clue. Youre just not Someone unless you have more than one assistant. The more people you have to boss around, the bigger the star you are.
Before viewing this photo of Richard Simmons,I would like you to remove all small children and pets from the room. It may be necessary to digest a muscle relaxer and an anti-nausea medication before your eyes adjust to the pupil bursting color of the tank top and itty bitty candy cane striped shorts.
The only thing between him and us is a very thin layer polyster, frightening, isnt it? Please take note of the thick leg-warmer-esque socks and white tennis shoes as well as his smooth, waxed legs.
Id like to point out when your afro curls start to resemble wisps of cotton candy floating around your head, it might be time for a haircut.
Can you believe he is still around, sweatin to the oldies and doing his deal-a-meal like a spaz on on a sugar high? He was a bit freakish twenty years ago, now his high pitched shriek causes my ear canals to swell.
Have you ever noticed that some "stars" fail to go away, even long after the flame of celebrity has been forcefully blown out and the Hollywood Squares have ceased calling your agent for a guest spot and the Surreal Life wont answer your calls, prefering instead the "big" stars like Flava Flav and Gary Coleman.
Mischa, nice stance.
When the cameras are flashing, stand with your feet as far apart as you can get them and thrust your bony shoulders forward. This will enable your dress to slide forward and bunch unflatteringly in the front.
For such a pretty girl, Mischa, you have horrendous posture. Have you been trying to copy Maggie Gyllenhall with her patented Celebrity Slump?
Darling, stand up straight and hold your head high, sculpted chin out. Feet together, turn your wrist inward so it doesnt appear that you have carpal tunnel syndrome. Tummy in. Turn slightly so you dont meet the camera head on. Instantly better. See, all those years as a stylist have finally paid off.
Britney loves gas station bathrooms, but then again, dont we all?
There is nothing like the dank, urine odor of a Chevron lavatory. And the paper towel dispenser that always seem to run low? Awesome! The damp floor and the pubic hairs on the toilet seat? She cant get enough of it. The slightly warped mirror hanging over a cracked sink with stray hairs and cigarette ashes in the drain? She lives for that. The one ply toilet paper? Uh, is there any other kind?
Personally, I enjoy using the bathroom at Burger King or Dennys where the hot pink soap sits in the soap dispenser smelling sickeningly pungent and the hot air hand dryer doesnt do jack to dry my hands, thus forcing me to use a toilet seat cover to wipe my wet hands on where it promptly falls to shreds in my still damp hands.
But I dont think Britney worries about such trivial matters. Normally, she likes to use Slappys Port a Potty but in a pinch she will have her driver pull into a gas station where she can obtain the key from a cashier and proudly walk into the bathroom while anxious paparazzi capture her usually shoeless entry into the Ladies Room.
And then she proceeds to return the key where she picks out snack packs of pork rinds and Slim Jims and a carton of Marlboro Lights and a couple cans of Mountain Dew. Gosh, I wish I was a trillionaire like Britney. Ahhh, living the good life. Champagne wishes and corn nut dreams...
Oh Britney!....From The Boston Herald http://thetrack.bostonherald.com/moreTrack/view.bg?articleid=64136
Wayward pop tart Britney Spears, caught shopping in a trendy La-La baby boutique the other day, told the store's staff she's nine weeks pregnant, Sky News reports. Looking every bit the blushing NASCAR bride, Mrs. Kevin Federline was snapped by paparazzi earlier this week dressed in a pink belly shirt sans proper undergarments in the swanky Babystyle shop in downtown Los Angeles. Coochie coochie coo!
Though no official announcement has been issued from Britney's press peeps, her pregnancy would hardly be a surprise. Besides buying chandeliers for the nurseries of her pampered pooches, Spears has spent her self-imposed break posting ``Letters of Truth'' to her fans which gush over her desire to be a mommy. ``The only thing I haven't done so far is experience the closest thing to God and that's have a baby,'' she wrote in her Nov. 1 missive. ``I can't wait.''
Well, perhaps, Brits should try to be a better dog mommy before she brings on the babies. In this week's Star, sources say Britney's trio of chi-chi canines, Lacy, Lucky and Bit Bit, have free reign to pee and poop all over Chez Federline! ``Britney doesn't seem bothered by it,'' said the Star source. ``She doesn't even clean it up properly. She just blots the soiled carpets with some paper towels. She doesn't even use a cleaner.''
Well, what does one expect from a woman who finds gas station potties appealing??? Babies' bottoms need more than a blot with a paper towel! ``Kevin's closet is filled with dog poop,'' said the poop snoop. ``It's a beautiful house, but visitors are shocked that Britney and Kevin don't clean up after their dogs.''
Not every man would be willing to don a bright red spandex one piece but Will Ferrell is game to try anything (trust me, I was at a party with him once...crazy shit went down that night). The red really isnt so far off from the yellow tights he donned in Elf.
Who else would willingly dress up to look like either a gigantic sperm or a bobsledder, but theres Will, happily showing of his man boobs and camel toe. Can you for one moment conjure up an image of lets say, Brad Pitt or maybe Orlando Bloom wearing an equally outrageous costume? Let me think for a moment and ponder the images...hee hee!
Its a great look for ya, Will! Something I think-and others will agree- that only you can get away with.
Natalie Portman, you are cute as a button. In Garden State, you were positively gorgeous, even though we know you have had a nose job.
So, being as cute and pretty as you are, why did you let Mary Kate Olsen dress you for the Golden Globes? She of the frumpy, long, voluminous skirts and messy hair and ill fitting clothes. Have you seen her lately? You are wearing the very large dress she was seen in only a few days ago wearing a floor length sweater/ robe combo and Chinese slippers.
You could have had a darling little Versace or something tailored to fit you like a pea pod and you decide on the table skirt from Pottery Barn? No no!
All we need is a needle and thread to lift and gather the extra fabric. We could chop off the ruffles and give it to someone else to wear as a shrug to Salsa dance in. We can hem the skirt, lift the sequin belt ...voila! A nice little dress for nice little Natalie. Call me, hon! We'll go shopping for the Academy Awards together!
Lisa Marie Presley is gonna kick your ass, man! A girl doesnt line her eyes with molten lava and apply vermillion lipstick for nothing.
Just look at the gleam in her eyes. Given the opportunity, shes ready to rip off the cape and take you down, down to Chinatown, if you know what Im saying. Lisa appears a tad rough around the edges doesnt she? I think she has a set of brass knuckles in her pocket and a chain in her purse in case a rumble breaks out during the Golden Globes after party.
You cant see it in the photo, but she was trailed by a smoke machine, kicking up clouds of black around her. AC/DC played "Back in Black" as she strutted down the Red Carpet giving the stink eye to Star Jones, cracking her knuckles and touching the knife hidden in her bra in case anyone dared to make eye contact with her.
Tuesday, January 18
Im a little pressed for time right now, I have an important meeting shortly, but I would like to point out that Nicky Hiltons skin is a color not usually found in natural flesh tones. While I appreciate a healthy glow, I find that a burnt sienna hue is not flattering to anything except perhaps a butternut squash.
Look at the contrast in the skin between Nicky and her man, Kevin. Nicky, I would like to ask you to please dye your hair to a light brown and leave your skin alone. Doesnt the fact that you wake up to orange sheets in the morning scare you? Your skin must be flaking off at an alarming rate at this point. Your face is seriously the color of the autumn leaves in New England.
Believe me, Nicky, if you dye your hair back to a lighter shade, we WILL be able to tell you and Paris apart. Trust me. Shes the one with the butt like a pancake and the shoulders that tilt backwards like wings. And the size 11 feet. And oh, yeah, that sex video. And that other sex video.
Grab your vodkatinis. It's time to chat!
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