Tuesday, May 17
Nice zippered crotch. Very easy access!
J Lo. thinks she might be pregnant. What a copycat! I hear she was totally crushed when she learned of the Garner-Affleck pregnancy. It was her and Ben that were supposed to have a child together! Dammit! According to one of my trusty tabloids, Ben and Jen discussed having a baby and giving birth to Benny Junior was J. Lo's dream. But no longer. She took to her satin covered bed and lit candles when she heard of the big news. It hurts, people. It hurts bad. She is forced to view Jennifer Garner's big ears and slightly swollen tummy on every magazine cover. Quicker than you can say "Impregnate" Jenny from the Block is insisting she might be with child as well. Take that, Affleck!
"For the first time ever, I woke up in the middle of the night starving. I really wanted to get up and eat. I thought, 'Oh dear, I can't start that habit.' At 10am I got up and had four eggs."
What she means to say is, "At 10am, I woke up and ordered my personal maid to make me four organic eggs. Then I demanded Canadian bacon and freshly squeezed orange juice with a side of caviar flown in from France. I forced her to serve me breakfast in bed and then made her repeat it all over again, this time with a single white calla lily in a Waterford crystal vase on my breakfast tray!"
She then sent a case of ice cream, a vat of lard and a box of Whitman's chocolates to Jennifer Garner with a note urging her to "eat up".
Grab your vodkatinis. It's time to chat!
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