A friend of mine recently had the horrific experience of being with Starlet and Gay Al while they got ready for their big night out in honor of Shaquille O'Neal's birthday party. Is there a party these two aren't invited to? I mean, besides mine. And who is footing the bill for her flights coast to coast? If it's E! sadly I will have to boycott the channel. Especially if I learn she is flying first class.

Back to the night of the shindig: As Gal pranced around the hotel room in a silk dressing gown trimmed in ostrich feathers, listening to the strains of Liza Minelli's greatest hits, Starlet took a bath dipping herself in ugly and deep frying her body in a glistening vat of pomposity. She blew dry her wigs wearing little else than a tightly fitting egotistical tunic showing off her ungrateful armpit fat and chubby rude cankles. When Gal sat down at the baby grand piano and belted out, It's Raining Men, Star closed the top on his long fingers, messing his manicure. He cried. Oh, yes he did.

Picking up the latest copy of Vogue, Al licked his fingers and settled in for an hour of reading but soon Star began barking orders and thrust her fat feet in his lap for an impromptu massage, wiggling her sausage toes inches from his face. He shrieked, "I can't believe I have to put up with this for two more years! Burn the pre-nup! I want out!" To which Star snarled, "Close your mouth pretty boy. Mama's gonna take you out tonight. And you know what that means. Now give me a kiss. And pretend you like it."

With tears in his eyes, Gal chose Star's clothes since he is the bigger clotheshorse of the two. Really, the man has decent taste but why he lets her out in public with those hideous necklaces is beyond me. I do believe he hopes she strangles herself with the chain someday. For the party, he chose a celery green chiffon top and silk skirt, and leaving random pins in the skirt as well as a light sprinkling of itching powder in her satin underwear.

He then handed Star her wig for the night along with a pair of false eyelashes and a rabies shot. She has been known to foam at the mouth. My source indicated Gal did her makeup for the night, but I have not had confirmation. I was also told that Star chowed down on a six pound porterhouse and an entire chocolate cake before the limo ride to the soiree. When she arrived at the bash, pieces of steak were stuck in her teeth and chocolate clung to her lips like bad lipstick.
She didn't understand why something kept poking her waist and why she felt so uncomfortable. As Gal watched his wife from across the room, he felt a surge of satisfaction. His plan was in place and it seemed to be working.

posted by CINDY BOKMA @ 7:17 AM