Flip flops with sweatpants? And not any sweatpants, the kind that are gathered at the ankle so your leg looks enveloped in a cotton balloon. The kind you wear when you arent going out of the house, when you want to cuddle on your pinky frilly bed and talk on your Hello Kitty phone while drawing hearts on your NSYNC notebook.
And you are wearing a hood? Because..youre cold? But if you were cold, and it was raining, would you really want to be wearing flip flops? But if it was raining you wouldnt be wearing sunglasses, right, because who wears sunglasses in the rain? Nicky Hilton, you are just study in contrasting clothing. Call me, I can help.
Imagine if this was your dad. And then imagine that you grew up and he was in love with you. And you liked him because he was so..neurotic and...whiny. And because the only man a girl can really depend on is her dad. So then you married him and had a baby with him. And then your dad was..your husband. And your husband was your babys father and he was sort of your dad but also your husband. And your mom was still...your mom. But your dad was still your dad but your husband as well. Wierd, isnt it?
Hey y'all! I forgot my bra at home, can ya tell, ya see my boobie? When I left, Cletus, I mean Kevin, was wearing my bra on his head, y'all! We was drinking last night and he passed out with mah bra on his face and his hand in the Cheez Whiz dip. He is like, so cute, y'all.
Anyway, ya like mah coat? Know what I did? I took my Aunt Lynne's wallpaper from her house in Louisiana and had it made into like, a jacket! Like, cool, y'all! So now I can look like mah Aunties dining room wall! Yeah!
Y'all, see my can of Red Bull? It gives me energy and stuff. Because sometimes when I eat Cheetos and Cheese puffs and that cheese that comes in a spray can, I feel so like, you know, tired. But a couple a Red Bulls and I have lots of energy, y'all!
You know when you were a little girl (or..boy) and you had a Barbie doll and you played with the hair? And you washed it and cut it then tried to brush it and it was all wonky and frizzy and before you knew it, you cant get the brush through it?
And so you put a ponytail in the ratty, synthetic hair because there was nothing else you could do? And it turned out looking somewhat like Britneys hair extensions.
Before and afters. Okay Gwyneth, Jared Leto, minor changes. But check out Elizabeth Hurley!
Natural beauty? I think not. Look what some collagen, eye lift, boob job and cheek implants can do! She looks remarkably different, doesnt she?
Y'all! No, really, its okay Britney. Please dont spew! I thought you could hold your liquor? Although US Weekly did just report how your bodyguards had to carry you out of a club. Why such heavy drinking?
Let us pause for a moment and take a look at your makeup. Have you fallen asleep recently in a tanning bed? Did you slip and tumble into a vat of bronzer? Did your two year old stepdaughter line your eyes with a Crayola magic marker? Why so shiny, dont you have your Clean N Clear blotting papers?
I have a feeling Kev gave you that fedora which doesnt match the big Daytona Beach shells you had made into earrings. Any girl in her right mind would never pair sea shells with houndstooth! And a yellow striped shirt? Brit, be honest, were you of sound mind and body when you got dressed? Hmmm. Then whats the excuse for marrying Kev?
Have a Merry Crackmas.
Sometimes little photographic gems like this turn up and no caption is needed. Whitney, that fedora looks marvelous on you. And Bobbi Kristina, wow. The santa cap looks really...nice. Is that Bobby Brown over there in a white tracksuit?
Janet Jackson is actively trying to gain weight for the new year. Like a chipmunk storing nuts in its cheeks, she going into hibernation. Tired of doing 500 situps a day for rock hard abs, Janet says Screw it! and orders a mocha blended with extra sugar and heavy cream.
She sports the latest in Hunting Wear Chic, a plaid flannel jacket with a trucker cap. Thankfully the cap doesnt say anything like "rock out with your boob out". We'll just leave the clever trucker cap sayings to Kev Federline.
Is that a holiday ham strolling on the beach?
No, its just Simon Cowell looking an awful lot like the big ham hock grandma likes to put into her split pea soup.
Teri Hatcher and her daughter, Emerson Rose. Teri's outfit would be okay if she wasnt wearing a gigantic sea urchin around her neck.
It looks as if Teri is being strangled by an octopus. Maybe a deadly sea anemone? Ursula from Little Mermaid?
Or, perhaps Teri is trying out a clown collar for her upcoming stint as a performer in Circus Vargus?
Ahh, yes. Whitney "haggard and anorexic" Houston and Bobby"crack is whack" Brown.
Where have they been?
Well, Ill tell you it wasnt an extended stay at Promises. Is that really a cigarette in your mouth Whitney? Shouldnt you be like, umm, protecting those vocal cords? Is that a beer that Bobby is giving you? Well, I guess youre trying to practice good health and uh, you know, staying off drugs. You look...good, Whitney. Yeah. And we know you were never on drugs. Really. You, an addict, no way!
Hi Minnie Drive! Mins, wanted to let you know I cant wait to see you in Phantom of the Opera. You were really good in Good Will Hunting.
But, honey, whats with the wet poodle hair? Youve got some nice hair, really wavy and long. Such cool curls, but why so kinky and tight?
"Did somone say kinky and tight?"
No, Anna Nicole, I wasnt talking to you. Although now that you mention it, Minnie and Sugar Pie do share the same kind of hair, dont they?
Lets all do like Kirsten Dunst! Who cares about silly things like skin cancer and the damage cigarettes can do to your heart and lungs. Useless organs!
Huh! Smoking and sun bathing are really good for you! Just look how cool she is as she lets that cig dangle from her lip. I mean, havent you seen Britney Spears? Just one look at a girl with skin like beef jerky and a cigarette in hand and I start craving a bottle of Hawaiian Tropic and a Pall Mall.
Okay, I get that its Kimberly Stewart in the front seat of a car, leaving a club.
But what I dont get is Wierd Al Yankovic in the backseat?
*Finally, we get a glimpse at the Federline love-nest.
Brimming with Fruit Loops, Cheetos and Diet Coke, this is the place where barefoot Britney and Kevin "redneck" Federline hang out and work on that baby makin'.
Unfortunately, what isnt visable is the makeshift clothesline hanging out of the side window with Kev's skull caps and manpris hanging on the line, and the cinderblocks that double as emergency parking brakes. Also, you cannot see "Cletus Earl" Federline eating baked beans out of a tin can using a spork or Britney with pink foam curlers in her hair wearing a Wal mart housecoat while BitBit licks himself in the corner.
But the place is fully furnished with retro Coca Cola signs.
Nothing quite spells out l o v e like a trailer parked on the side of the road in Lousiana with a bumper sticker that warns: "If this truck's a rockin, don't come a knockin".
*okay, hard to believe but this isnt the Federlines home. I know, it was so convincing! Its a hot dog place that was doubling as a sex shack! I guess they were selling weiners of a different sort.
See? Ashlee has the Elijah Wood, choppy layered black hair do.
I told you so. I hear shes letting the side burns grow out though so we'll have to be patient while we wait. Meanwhile, her father continues to have no interest in her hair, rather he's more into making comments about Jessica's big DD's.
 Sometimes its just nice to be inside, laying around, watching the E! True Hollywood Story, wearing sweats and no makeup. But then you run out to get the mail (because the maid is busy and your personal assistant is text messaging Drew Barrymores assistant) so you throw on whats handy which is a random coat out of the hall closet and the Uggs you keep in the house to keep your feet warm. And then you pray that no one sees you because seriously, sweats and Uggs and a big coat? But as we know, Cher has no shame. So as she goes shopping in Beverly Hills, she chooses to wear the very outfit I reserve for around the house on a rainy day.
Yes, it is.
That is Hugh Grant sitting on a giant banana in the middle of the Bahamas.
Now whenever you see Hugh in a movie, I want to encourage you to think of him straddling a big yellow banana. And if that doesnt bring a smile to your face, I dont know what will.
Well, you cannot possibly have a dog without buying it accessories like a little red Santa hat trimmed in fur! Maybe Pammy is trying to...make the dog appear...cute? Because its really not. Its little and hairless and shivering and nervous and bug eyed. And those kinds of dogs are really only 'cute' in a very ugly kind of way, if you know what I mean.
However, Pam realizes that youve got to keep the dog clothed. Paris Hilton always has her dog dressed in Gucci and Britney keeps little Bit-Bit in diamonds and tutus.
She just had to rush out and buy her new pup a coat and mini boots with a matching belt and handbag. But maybe Pam should be touching up her roots and buying a shirt that actually covers her belly instead.
No, thats not Sargent Pepper. Its lovable little Frodo, also known as Elijah Wood.
He's going undercover as a member of The Beatles. Pretty convincing, isnt he? The faux military shirt gives him a certain appeal, wouldnt you say? Very punkish and tough...bahahaha!
I think its the hair that really drives it home. Bangs with layers and jet black in color, looks a bit like Ashlee Simpson.
What I really dig is the extra long side burns. When he gets his hair cut, he directs Jose Eber to take a little off the sides and back but "leave a long strip of hair along the sides".
Is that Courtney Love? Jocelyn Windenstein?
No, you arent going to believe this. Its Deborah "Shake Your Love" Gibson.
Shes either just heard something side splittingly funny or wants you to see her teeth. Quite possibly, shes scaring little children. But I think shes trying to pass a kidney stone.
Since when did Brandy become part of a gang? Whats with the sign language and the 'dont mess wit me' expresion on her face? What does that backwards 'okay' sign mean? Is that some kind of inner city speak? Because I havent a clue what it means, then again Im not really up on gangsta language.
Bright orange clothing and accessories? Hello! A little much. My mah jong playing Aunt Minky likes to wear big plastic earrings just like the ones Brandy is wearing. I suggest pairing the bright orange with a more subdued blue, rather than looking like a Skittle.
How about the glow around Brandys hairline, is that from hair extensions? Tell me that Afro wasnt fo' real! And why does her boyfriend have the top of her pantyhose over his head? Whats with the phallic symbol around her neck? So many questions for Brandy.
Thank goodness for Anna Nicole Smith, a picture of good taste and perfect lipstick application.
I cant say anything that hasnt been said about the arms over head stance and her overflowing bosom, or her TrimSpa skinny body. But the smeared lipstick all over her face suggests she missed her lips completely with her Wet N' Wild, and painted her chin and cheeks pink after downing a fifth of Wild Turkey and doing jello shots from Bobby Trendys belly button.
OR maybe she fell into a pile of men and had to kiss her way out? Either way, get yourself to a mirror Anna and fix your face!
A classic photo of Britney, who tells us its okay to wear a skirt that falls below your public hair line. And its all right not to wash your hair for a couple of days at a time. And its nice to show off your purple underwear while wearing a floor length red skirt, perfect for a modern day gypsy like Brit.
Its acceptable to walk around as if youre half drunk and stoned out of your mind, smoking Virginia Slims.
And its a really good idea, if your doctor tells you to wear flip flops or Uggs due to your knee surgery, to blow off his instructions and not wear anything on your feet at all except the millions of viral germs crawling all over the cold, dirty, restroom floor of a gas station bathroom.
This is Hugh Grants girlfriend, Jemima Khan.
Poor Jemima! I guess Hugh doesnt allow her to eat. Look at how thin her legs are, like pipe cleaners!
Hugh, would you please buy your girlfriend a steak dinner and a loaded baked potato? Eeek. She clearly suffers from Lara Flynn Boyle-itis. This epidemic must be stopped! Whats wrong with having a little junk in da trunk?
What a guy! Kevin Federline, Mr. Britney Spears, does the food shopping for the family.
Dressed in his signature white skull cap and extra large, baggy track pants, he braves the overcast weather to fill the cart with treats for his wife.
Included in his purchases are such gourmet treats as ice cream, Cheetos, Fruit Loops and Coke. What, you thought they had people to shop for them? hahaha!
And what else? You thought they ate things like organic fruits and vegtables and fresh fish caught off the coast of Alaska and shipped to their Malibu home, prepared by a world famous chef? You really thought they ate caviar and drank Cristal? Nah, not them Federlines. They just down home folks. Nothin' but junk food and soda pop for them!
Ashley, remember when we walked through JCPenney, just to "see how the other half lived"?
Well, I didnt expect you to take a drape from the home furnishings department and fashion it into a floor length caftan!
And pairing it with a tomato red cardigan and mardi gras beads? And a snow white leather bag with brown sandals? Nothing matches! Its artsy! Its Mary Kate-ish! You've got guts, kid.
Hey Pam, its you again!
This time I see you dont have a guy with you but you have a new puppy, exactly like the petite Chihuahua Britney is carrying around tucked into her cleavage.
Congrats on being a new mommy to a mini hairless pup that will no doubt be toted around in some kind of high end carry-all with diamonds around his/her neck and tiny Uggs on his feet. Tell me, what is it like to own an animal thats smaller in size than one of your boobs?
Gee, I feel like Im missing out on a trend. I better go out and purchase a portable dog so I can put it in my purse and dress it up. Or maybe a biracial child. Either one, both are trends du jour in Hollywood.
AHOY MATEY!
Pam, so we meet again.
Is that Stephen Dorff? I thought you were dating a model? And wasnt there a football player in there somewhere? What about Tommy Lee?
Well, what you do in your pirvate life is your business. Free love for all! But how do your boys feel about the steady parade of men?
Lets talk about your bathing suit, or lack of. Two strips of violet cloth across your chest dont really make up even a bikini. I have band aids bigger than that. And whoa, flourescent pink? I havent seen that color since 1990.
There really is something to be said for modesty. How about a nice black one piece? Have you looked through a Lands End catalogue? (Didnt think so) They offer some lovely suits with lots of coverage. You might consider checking it out.
Hey y'all!
Nothing like a little Brit and Kev to complete a holiday weekend. Mrs. Federline looks okay but is Kevin going bald, is that why hes always wearing a hat? This one looks like a q-tip on his head.
Another undershirt? Kevin, doesnt Brit let you shop at Abercrombie? Get a real shirt please, maybe something with a collar. And the baggie pants with the crotch down to your knees, do you think youre Snoop Dog (a side note, didnt Britney make out with Snoop, yeah! For shizzle!) Arent those large pants rather breezy?
On the up side, its been how many months and the two of you are still married? You know, chicken fingers and Cheetoes are the glue that keeps the marriage together. Congrats on the accomplishment!
Ben, sorry you have to hide your face when you run into a West Virginia Starbucks. Did you think you could order your Venti latte without being photgraphed? Sorry.
But while I have your attention, wait...are those Uggs that youre wearing? No, really, Ben, Uggs? Are you sure you dont want to wear something else, like Doc Martens or Timberland boots? Uggs? How about wool socks and a pair of sneakers?
I really detest Uggs on men. Is Jen really okay with that fashion choice? You know, La Lopez would have never let you wear those out in public.
Renee, I think a tubleweed being blown across the desert weighs more than you, my friend!
You know you have nothing to prove. We are aware that you are able to go from super skinny to chubby back to skinny and then all the way to looking like a walking skeleton. You dont have to keep losing weight, hon.
I can guess whats in your Starbucks cup: a fat free, sugar free, caffeine free, whipped cream free, non-fat soy latte. Next time, please get yourself a Venti full fat mocha with a scone and butter.
Last time we were out together, Renee, and you only licked an ice cube and nibbled on a piece of lettuce, I went home feeling terrible. After all, I ate my entire meal and then licked my dessert plate clean. If you want to hang out, youre going to have to gain some weight, okay? I cant take the embarrassment of being the only one in our friendship who actually consumes calories.
How much do you want to bet that after viewing this photo of herself, Katie Couric immediately took an NBC limo to her plastic surgeons office where he filled in every visable line and winkle with a botox/collagen cocktail?
Jen and Ben on Christmas day.
It must be really quite a drag to go out for a walk after a holiday dinner and think you're alone, then hear the branches rustle and the click of a camera.
Sorry guys! But since I have your attention, Jen are you really pregnant?
This photo of Paris Hilton reminds me of my crazy old Aunt Ethel who, at a family party, wore a tree skirt around her shoulders like a cape and drank too much egg nog, thus prompting a spirited rendition of Christmas songs while trying to smoke a Hickory Farms salami.
Paris, why are you dressed like an old, drunken broad? Oh dear, those mukluks have got to go! I know they keep your size 11 feet toasty warm and maybe, maybe with a pair of jeans it would be passable in Aspen, but not in this photo.
Is that a bathroom robe you are wearing as a coat? Even though its a nice, thick, cotton- terry cloth blend, you should not be wearing the complimentary robe from the Four Seasons, no matter how chic you think it is.
And the baggy white sweat pants tucked into the boots? What did I tell you about that? Fashion DON'T, Paris.
That fedora, oversized glasses..no and no! That gigantic pink purse makes me wonder if Lindsay Lohan might be folded up in there like a circus clown.
For someone with all the money in the world, the billion dollar heiress, dressing like my Aunt Ethel is NOT a good thing. Rethink your outfit and get back to me, Paris. Ever hear of jeans and a sweater? A blazer and pants?
Tell daddy to hire you a stylist. Im available...
Nicolette, in that atrocity, you should be laying on the couch munching on chips and watching reruns of Newlyweds, not going out in public! That's pretty much the exact outfit my cleaning lady wears except she insists on donning undergarments, much to my appreciation.
Did you just get out of bed and throw on some sweats, (like Paris Hilton, see below) forgetting two important pieces of clothing: bra and underwear?
No doubt you have a nice body, (and nothing is left to the imagination in those pink sweats, trust me) but even the best figure will resemble sausage casing when wearing pants tight across the thighs, buttocks and crotch.
And even the most awesome set of implants should not be allowed to swing free under the Flashdance, ripped neck, off the shoulder, shirt.
Honey, it wouldn't surprise me if you weren't wearing socks either, why bother?
Remember this important piece of advice: even when running to the 7-11 for a slurpee, thinking no one is going to see you, please dress appropriately because rest assured, someone will see you and your photo will be splashed all over the internet faster than you can say 'bra and underpants'!
Gary Coleman...thank goodness. I was just wondering were this loveable, pint sized hunk of dark chocolate went!
I was hoping that since his turn on The Surreal Life, he was getting work.
"Wha' choo talkin' 'bout Willis?" became the catch phrase for a generation and since then, where has Arnold Drummond been? I did hear he was doing phone sex work, but I see that might not have panned out and what a pity.
Wouldnt you want to pick up the phone and hear his silky voice? I heard it over the radio and he said something like this: "You wanna ride my train, baby? You wanna get on my choo choo?"
Ummm, let me think about that. No.
But now, his career has skyrocketed! Pleading on cable tv to use CashCall, Id say thats a sure sign that his career is resurrected.
Nicole Kidman wants to let you know shes not anorexic and not suffering from a disease where her skin and her hair match.
She is out at a Lakers game with her two children, Connor and Isabel. Thats nice. I gues Tom Cruise is busy at the Celebrity Scientology Center with Jenna Elfman and Kirstie Alley, so he couldnt make the game.
I dont know for sure but Ive heard the rumor where Nic was on a plane and yelling and screaming at her nanny to keep the kids away from her. Oh well, its Christmas and it looks like shes making up for lost time.
PS, Nic, Id love to see you with that red hair again! Call me and Ill direct you to a salon.
 This is Alicia Arden. I dont know who she is or why we should care, but look at her holiday spirit! Shes out shopping in this photo and I know when I find a good deal, I kick my heels up and do a jig all the way down Robertson Blvd! Yee haw!
Paris, just a quick reminder that Ive got a loaf of challah bread from that bakery off Wilshire, darling. You might need it to help add a little cushion to your hiney. Lets add some buttah and a gallon of ice cream and call it a meal.
Also, kick boxing for us as of January 1st! Lets get you some booty, your pants are falling down with nothing to hold them up. Your buttress is non existant, dear. Just for you, Ill pull out my bootleg copy of A Night In Paris and view your other body parts, Ill let you know what else you should work on, but for now, lets just say your butt.
While Nicky kicks the nicotine habit, why dont you lay off the Colon Blow for a while? You are too skinny! Oh and the pants tucked into the boots? Uh, no! Okay, thats all!
Nicky!
Like, hi! I just saw Paris, why arent you shopping together?
I dont want to spoil anything for you, but I did manage to get that Nicorette gum for you, arent you looking forward to kicking your little 'habit'? Smoking is so over, Nicky. Mother and Father Hilton will be so happy when you dont come home stinking like a college frat house.
Things that are like, so passe are:
1.) Quicky Vegas marriages that only last two months
and
2.) Smelling like stale cigarette smoke. I know how guys hate kissing a girl that reeks like the tail pipe of an eighteen wheeler.
3.) Being friends with Tara Reid (just kidding, hon! Love her!)
Please tell me theres something in that Prada bag for moi.
(air kiss)
Paris Hilton.
Hey little Raggedy bedhead!
I see your out shopping with your oversize "hangover" glasses. A little last minute Christmas shopping?
I just wanted to remind you that I do love Calvin Klein but am partial to Betsey Johnson dresses. If you are going to buy me anything Juicy, get me a small. If youre going couture, you better stick with a size 4. My shoes, as you know, are 7.5. If you want to buy makeup, I love Benefit.
Remember last Christmas when all I got (not to sound ungrateful or anything) was a coupon for an overnight stay at a Hilton hotel and a bar of Godiva chocolate? Yeah, I was hoping for something a little grander this year. That was sort of like getting tires from Andrew Firestone.
Anyhoo, I saw some really cute, cute items that I would at Kitson and some Marc Jacobs clothes at Fred Segal. If you want to go retro, feel free to spend, I dont know, a couple thousand at Wasteland on some vintage items. Its up to you.
Thanks Paris, youre the best! ((air kiss))
You know Pam, you really need to start wearing other shirts, people are going to think all you own is one wife beater (see Kevin Federline).
Sure, a sleeveless white tee is really a staple in any womans closet. But worn alone, over and over...and over again, people are going to start talking, honey. Like maybe youre in financial trouble and cant afford anything but a little boys Hanes 3 pack.
And is that..no, really..can't be..camel toe? And a wife beater!? Really, are you sure you want to go out like that?
And since Im on a roll, I can see your bra through the shirt, you know that fabric is awfully thin. Thats why its called an undershirt.
Is that an oversize tortilla on your head? Are you trying to hide? Because with that body theres no going incognito. Who else has DD's and a size zero body?
But I want to compliment you on the necklaces, I do like those. And since we such good buds, I wont say anything else.
Hello Kate and Orlando.
Kate, that purse is bigger than you are. Get yourself a loaf of Italian bread, a bowl of olive oil and have at it. Remember, carbohydrates want to keep your body warm so you dont look like a corpse. You look...like you are heading to Lindsay/MaryKate town. Didnt Kevin Spacey teach you anything? EAT.
And Orlando, did you think you were safe from my sarcastic wit? No. You remind me of Indiana Jones- the large fedora, the scarf, the brown jacket, all point to the Search for a Belt. Psst. Your pants are falling down, 'lando!
One more thing. Kate, that color eye shadow is not flattering. Just remember these two things: carbo load and no yellowy bronze shadow. See? Isnt that much better?
Bjork? Byuck!
Here we have the "pop star" wrapped in the insulation that is found around my hot water heater, paired with multi colored prismatic pants resembling Christmas lights on slacks.
Socks, courtesty of Where's Waldo. Flats, probably Prada, but look more like Payless. Sateen purse direct from Davids Bridals.
Who knew Bjork could be such a trendsetter? I swear after that swan around her neck at the awards show a few years ago, I thought she would never redeem herself but look here! Oh, wait, she still looks horrible. Nevermind.
 A couple of images from this past year to warm the heart on Christmas Eve. Weve got Paris "Dirty bedsheets" Hilton vs. Tara "Booger sugar" Reid in the battle of the Flash of the Privates. Yee haw! Let the fight begin. Girls, we are going to be watching you closely in 2005, dont worry. Your every sick and twisted porn tape, red nostrils and rumors will be documented right here! I, for one, cant wait!
 This photo of Liv Tyler and her new baby....awwwwwwww!
Please enjoy this photo of Britney Spears one more time.
Nothing needs to be said, a picture is worth a thousand words. Some of them: greasy, dirty, barefoot, gas station bathroom, Kevin/Cletus, Cheetoes, Red Bull, BitBit, cigarettes, trucker caps, tee shirts with messages on them, pimple cream, pimps 'n maids, Las Vegas, oops!, sweat rings, body odor, manpris...
and the list goes on...
Is that the universal sign for choking? Because if it is, we've caught Courtney Love as she gags on her Starbucks Frappucino.
What can be said about our favorite, lovable dramatic druggie that hasnt already been said a hundred times over? From the bleached hair to the dark roots down to the cherry red lipstick overshooting her mouth by a quarter of an inch, we've all grown to enjoy her antics and her odd choice of fashion.
I predict a coupling of Courtney and Paris in the year 2005. Or Courtney and Tara. Maybe Courtney and Lindsay?
Liz Hurley, on the way to Victoria 'Posh Spice' and David Beckham's sons baptism.
I dont know about you, but when Im going to church, especially where children are involved, I like to dress in my most low cut gown to show off my cleavage.
Highly appropriate in a place of worship, isnt it? To appear not so terribly sexy, I also enjoy covering my shoulders in white rabbit fur. I find that it really makes me seem somehow, serious and reserved while the congregation is able to view my breasts. Its nice to see Liz shares my view of how to dress while going to church. Nothing says somber like some tits and fur..wink, wink.
Fergie, how many times do I have to tell you not to drape the pelts of dead animals around your neck? Somehow, somewhere, sometime, Pamela Anderson might spring out from behind you with a can of red paint and a flyer for PETA, so be prepared.
Fur plus plaid, add a couple of braids, a leather newsboy cap..you are a mish-mosh of fashion mishaps! Pointy stilettos that could poke out an eye or a crotch, depending on the situation...oh and that draws me to notice those pants are too long. Or maybe you are trying to cover your shoes? Anyway...good news...something can be done about this.
See Fergarama, theres this thing called a needle and with it is thread and used together, quite an amazing thing happens...through the magic of sewing, your pants become slightly shorter thus allowing you to walk without the fear of tripping over the ends of your pants. Quite something, isnt it?
Regina King, you are a great actress. But your clothes...not so great.
The top of your dress- is it a dress?- says Seventy Six Trombones! Im waiting to see you pull out your band hat, whip out a drum and start marching down the street.
Then we move down a little further and the band jacket parts to reveal some leopard print and a short skirt yet the jacket/overcoat doesnt end. The pattern reappears in what seems to be cuffs.
Im left feeling confused, and rather disappointed, because I really do love a good marching band.
Wow, Puff Daddy/P. Diddy/Sean John/Sean "Puffy" Combs...I dont know what to call you or why you change your name all the time, but listen, thanks for the heads up.
When I saw your shirt, I wet my pants in fear. Then I quickly raced to my voting booth and voted. Until that day, I lived in panic that you would look through the voter registrations and find me, hunt me down and (gulp!) kill me! Well, thats the message your shirt sends.
Really had my knickers in a twist there, Puffy. Please dont threaten death again. It caused me to enter into a month of therapy and sent Jennifer Lopez to the alter again.
Imagine this if you will...Leelee riding a bike with that wicked witch music playing from the Wizard of Oz...cant you see it, complete with monkeys flying and Leelee cackling and saying "Im going to get you my pretty...hahahaha!"
Leelee, the top hat, (please tell me thats not a bird on your shoulder, I couldn't take it) the satiny shirt of 1987 with mutton chop sleeves..skinny black belt, a brooch?..the pants, the shoes, are those knee high panty hose in 'smoky haze'?
Not to say anything of the wilted black flower pinned above your breast.
((I cover my eyes in shame and embarrassment on her behalf)).
Eww. Lenny Kravitz? More like Lenny Krav shitz.
Whats going on there, Len? Dude, what up with the Pocahontas poncho wrapped under your arm pit? Were you in the Battle of Little Bighorn? Should we be calling you Chief AreYouGonnaGoMyWay?
Lenny, if I could ask you to do a rain dance, we could really use a little sprinkle here in SoCal. Nothing to monsoon-ish, though. If you got together with Paris Hilton, she could lend you her Muk-luk Minnetonka mocassins and then your outfit would really be complete.
The vest and the poncho makes some kind of statement, I just dont know what youre trying to say? come back to my teepee and lets smoke some peyote?
 Hi Angelina. Im just reminding you Im here. Unfortunatly, standing in the shadow of your beauty, I might feel like the woman on your right (my right, your left) by comparison. Maybe its better we dont meet...
Brigitte, may I suggest a bra for those breasts that float around like moons circling the planet Brigitte?
I havent seen breast implants this obvious since Courtney Love flashed me at a club in New York City where you have to know a certain hand signal to be allowed in. When I saw the lumpy ridges of the implant, I was like, "Courtney, please dont do that! My eyes!" and now I once again my pupils are punished by having to view the stamped date of her Dow Corning bags.
Brig, might I suggest, besides a very sturdy bra, smaller implants that arent so obvious? And maybe a slightly...less harsh hair style so that you dont look like a Viking?
John Mayer, Jon Bon Jovi and Rob Thomas.
Is it me or does John M. look three times as big as Jon Bon Jovi and Rob Thomas?
And does Jon BJ's head look as long and large as a horses, and his hair looks extremely feathered and highlighted- also known as Porn Star hair? His hips look teeny too. I didnt know he was such a little peanut. awww!
I didnt realize John Mayer was so...big. Hmmm. All of the sudden Im his biggest fan.
 Lindsay..again! Please stay out of Mystic Tan and the tanning beds over at that place on Sunset. You look like a hot dog thats been left on the grill too long. Before long, you are going to look in the mirror and see a shriveled apple face staring back at you. Make an appointment with a dermatologist as soon as you can to reverse some of that sun damage. And stay out of the sun, please!
Hi Jon Lovitz, Im not here to talk about you. Im here to talk about Daryl Hannah.
Back when you were in Splash, I prayed to wake up and be a pretty mermaid with long blonde hair and cool fins. Then you were in Legal Eagles and were totally hot. And now, so many years later...what happened?
Your hair is too long, over- bleached and stringy. And the old, shapeless grandma cardigan along with the peachy-pink bedazzled tunic and the shiny forehead, well, I gotta be honest and let you know it looks like Jon Lovitz is taking you for a walk before early bird dinner at the community center. Your face, not so bad at all. But the choice of clothing? Eh.
You could do so much better. Even some fins would be an improvement.
Lindsay Lohan has a message for all of you who go see her movies, rent her videos and are buying her albums. She offers up another caption so I can save my fingers the time of typing something witty. Thanks Lindsay, nice of you to think of me.
Traci, thanks for showing us your Binghams.
Nice of you to not leave anything to the imagination because I might strain my brain cells.
Honey, you look so top heavy I fear you might fall face first into Ron Jeremy's lap, oh wait, you did do that on the Surreal Life. Did everyone see it?
But may I tell you something, as a friend? Please stop with the surgery. Good friends are concerned that you are going overboard (or overboob, if you want to be silly). The nose has been thinned, the cheeks sculpted, the lips have been inflated like balloons at a childrens party. And the chest, oye vey, Traci. Ever heard of less is more? I didnt think so.
 I swear to you, this is the truth. A pair of size eleven diamond studded 14 carat gold shoes created for ...drumroll please...Paris Hilton. Look, you could have saved yourself time and material and just made them for me. Im only size 7.5 and I dont even require diamonds.
Ahoy Mindy! This was taken at the finale of the Gilligans Island reality show.
I know you are trying to look all Captain and Tenille, all Captain Stubing-ish but its gimmicky. You look like Mrs. Howell just raided the Skippers closet. Like you got drunk at a cocktail party and started grabbing miscellaneous props to wear as you pranced around with a highball in your hand.
Im guessing you are heading to a Halloween shindig, but didnt have the white suit, compass and navigational tools to finish getting dressed.
Ditch the props, please!
What the- ?
Mismatched green tee shirt, check. Sloppy sweatpants hanging low enough to reveal a peek at yesterdays underpants, check. Extra large pink purse, check. Big, booties with Hostess snowball pom poms and pink fur with green pants shoved into them, check. Bedraggled hair, check.
Im studying this outfit thinking its just one big No. Make that a NO. Did you hear me, Paris? NO.
Hon, Im guessing you just rolled out of your frilly pink canopy bed and pulled on the clothes left on the floor from last night. No time to wash up and find some clean pants and a matching shirt? Golly gee, Paris, its really hard being you, isnt it? I feel for you, I really do.
 Cameron says "Nah! Nah! Im gonna get you sucka!" to the paparazzi who insist on taking her photo. She plans to capture the photographers on her camera and...then what, Cam?
 Jessica, its okay. Your boobs are exactly where you left them, no need to check. Remember what I told Nick and Britney about touching yourself in public? tsk tsk. Anyway, why dont you leave the heels at home? And the pants, while cute, are cut like a pirates pants, knee length for wading through water. Are you looking for a treasure? Oh you found it? In your bra? Well good for you.
Remember Sebastian Bach from that group...what was the name...in the 80's?
They sang that song...the name of the band...wasnt Whitesnake, Warrant? No, wasnt them. Poison? Nope. They sang '18 and Life', if that helps. I cant think of the name...oh yes, SKID ROW. The finest hair band of the 80's, of course!
Well, anyway, here he is a good fifteen years or so past the bands prime. And look, hes still wearing his same sleeveless leather top with a zipper and leather pants with lightening bolts pointing to his crotch.
The hair is still styled in the Jon Bon Jovi frizz puff of 1985. Listen to me, Sebastian. Put down the Jack Daniels and get yourself to Supercuts where for like, twelve bucks someone will get out the hedgeclippers and trim the over-growth.
Knowing how I feel about armpits, Id like to urge you to wear a shirt that covers your arms and lose the crotch grabbers in favor of some loose fitting 501's. Are we on the same page now? Great.
Chantal here is a fashion designer. She reminds me of Edna from The Incredibles.
I like the jet black hair and the severe blunt cut bangs, the Colonel Sanders tie and the black tuxedo jacket. The large white cuffs of her sleeves rolled up. Nicely done.
The whole look is very soft and feminine, wouldnt you agree? She has designed some lingerie for Victorias Secret. Doesnt look like she would be wearing a lace thong and a racy boob lifting bra, but then again, you never know.
 Have you met Hillbilly Hawke? You have to feel sorry for him with the Salvation Army cap and the John Deer plaid shirt. The Kevin Federline 'almost' beard. Ethan, years ago you were kinda hot. But now...what happened? Youre a father of two children. Dont you think you ought to clean up a little and at least wear a shirt that doesnt make you look like youre trying out for the Lumberjack Competition of the Great Northwest?
Hey y'all! Merry Christmas.
Me and Kev, we're just hanging out, eatin' cheetos and drinkin' ginsing. Our holiday is gonna be spent with Bit-Bit and Jamie Lynne and my ma Lynne and my dad Jamie and my brother Brian Lynne and my cousin Lynn and my aunt Jamie and my uncle Brian Jamie.
And me 'n Kev, were just gonna kick back and go barefoot, like really, y'all! I got the cutest lil' santa suit for BitBit! Wait till ya see it.
And Kev's kids are gonna come over and Im gonna make Frito pie, y'all!
Like, I just luv my Kev! Hes so sweet when hes drunk, y'all! He smells like feet and cigarettes and I luv it! I dont care if he never shaves, takes a shower or brushes his teeth or changes his underwear. I luv him so much!
Happy Holidays to all my fans out there, bye y'all!
Id like to address this to all of you who wear low riders and then pull your thong underpants up over your hips so that when you crouch down, the whole world knows what kind of underpants you wear.
Look, its not classy. Its not cute. Its not sexy. Its as if you cant figure out how to wear low rise panties nor do you care. Its sloppy and trashy and I dont know who started this "trend" (Paris, was it you?) but lets put an end to it NOW. Youre just begging for an atomic wedgie when you bend over like this.
Wow, Pam! Look, I love seeing people without makeup so thanks for the peek.
You look totally, totally different without foundation and base and blush, false eyelashes, lipliner, gloss and eye liner.
WOW. Like, WOW.
Of course Ive been with you on several occasions where you havent worn makeup (or clothes) but to see it in a photo on the computer...whew!
Can I offer a word of advice? Leave the wife beaters at home, Pammy. How about a nice blouse?
Lindsay Lohan
"Okay, like, Ill have a Biggie Fry with a Frosty and a side of TrimSpa with some Correctal for dessert and do you have a Fleet enema I could borrow.
Youll see me inside in like, five minutes, because I have to puke up my bacon cheeseburger to keep my weight below 100 pounds. Thanks!"
Ashton, Im really glad you took my advice regarding the white sweats which made you look like a big hotel sheet, but did you have to go to the other extreme and don a pumpkin colored sweater and argyle hat with a plaid shirt? Who dressed you, Ryan Cabrera?
Its almost 2005 and I think trucker caps are, safe to say, over. How about a trim? Your hair is looking a little shaggy.
Please remove the hat and the sweater and then maybe, Ill consider meeting you for dinner at Dolce tonight.
Dear Mira,
Even though your husband is carrying a Boppy, hes still hot.
I like his long hair and unshaved face along with his Abercrombie meets grunge outfit. Hes got the scroungy Ethan Hawke/homeless begger thing going on and Ive got to tell you, its working for me.
And he gets points for being tall. I hope your marriage lasts, Mira!
 Ben Affleck talks his way out of a parking ticket. Tsk tsk! No parking in the red zone, Ben. By the way, werent we supposed to meet for early drinks and dinner this week? Call me, Ben!
Jessica! Thank you for showing us not only your ample bosom, but your sternum as well. And might I ask why you are always wearing high heels? Dont you know they cause varicose veins and foot problems?
And Ashlee, Id like to suggest a lighter haircolor. I know you are trying to be all punk and rebellious, but seriously, a nice light brown with golden highlights would be perfect instead of that greasy black. Im glad Im here for you. Youre welcome.
Greetings from Hawaii!
Ashlee, tell me, are you and Ryan on again or off again ? Because if youre 'on', it would behoove you to help coordinate his clothing a little better. The mismatched shirt and the jams are totally off. And wow, didnt recognize him without his broom hair!
Ash, the flowing caftan? Very Miami beach retiree looking. Ash, did you know that Lindsay is cheating on you with Paris? Yeah. They're shopping and hitting the clubs while youre with the color blind pop star. Sorry to be the one to tell you but...theyre doing trimSpa without you too, hon.
Hey skinny girls, what cha doin?
Shopping at Kitson? Didnt I just bump into you there last week? Remember, I sprayed the Kai perfume accidently in Paris' eye? Anyway, must be nice to shop and spend money and take laxatives and go party all the time. By the way, Hi Tinkerbell, how are you sweetie?
Meanwhile, Im running to auditions and writing this column and doing charity work and moonlighting as a stylist. But, you know, you two are young and in need of new clothes for your ever shrinking bodies, so whatever.
Ashton, let me be honest with you. I love Punk'd. Youre hilarious if not a little childish and high strung. You dating Demi, okay, whatever. Thanks for appreciating older women.
But really, that all white outfit? One word for that, yuck! Wheres the washed out jeans that look so fine on you? How about a tee shirt to show off the muscles?
An XXXL sweatshirt and puffy white pants? And white hat? Why the all white get up, is this Kabbalah related, couldnt you just wear a white shirt? Cause Im not feeling it, dude. You sort of remind me of a KKK member or a marshmellow. And the hat? No. You look like a teenager with his mom on the way to the grocery store.
Let your hotness through, Ashton, dont hide it under a Sean Jean sweatsuit.
Kirsten! Girlfriend, what up?
The cigarette, dangling at your lips, the shrunken blazer and what appears to be gym shorts..what is going on here? Are those really flats with shorts?
Do you know how bad cigarettes are for you, honey? Do you want yellow teeth and smelly breath? Havent you seen Britney lately? Whats next, pimple cream and barefoot bathroom runs?
Do I really have to coach you in how to behave in public and more importantly, how to dress? Its called a stylist! Ill be happy to direct you towards a good one.
Champagne wishes and Playboy dreams! Indeed!
I know a friend of a friend who is a famous Playboy centerfold. She's told tales of the parties at the Playboy mansion, a literal parade of private parts. A bacchanal of boobs! Genetalia jollification!
It was strongly hinted at that Mr Robin Leach was privy to these parties, frolicking in the pools and partying it up with young, nubile starlets. This is hearsay of course, take it with a grain of salt. Ive been told some wild, crazy stories regarding the parties at Hef's house. Never been invited but after the tales Ive been told, I dont know if I want to be a part of pure, reckless, sweaty, drunken debauchery.
I heard Leachy was laying around with nothing but a robe tied loosely around his paunchy middle, his private parts flapping in the breeze. Not shy, that man. He was smoking cigars and acting like a real party animal, if you know what I mean. *wink*
Just look at him! You would really have to be boozing it up to partake it any kind of booty action with this man, dont you agree?
Lindsay, thank you for providing me with a caption, very thoughtful of you.
I didnt know what to call you: skinny girl, thin young woman, skeletal star? But you literally took the words right out of my mouth, calling yourself something far worse than I would have dreamed up.
Really, so kind of you to provide a advertisement of what you would like to be known as. Might I suggest next time, a sandwich board and some balloons?
Hi Brandy!
Seriously, there is nothing as cute as mother daughter crotch grabbing camel toe Juicy pants! Unless of course, theres matching Uggs factored in. I love it! Twins, but not!
This is Vanessa. And she would like to show you the sheer lilac table skirt she made.
It also doubles as a light jacket in a pinch. Serving several purposes, it can be a poncho, a shirt and a wrap.
Its see- through so you dont have to guess whats underneath. Like our friend Paris, she wants to show you up front whats there. Its very functional because you can wear it as a skirt too.
The conture of the fabric is bell shaped, so theres room to breathe. The garment doesnt constrict which is very important.
The ruffle on the end really adds a lot of detail, sort of bringing the whole look together. Without it, the jacket/wrap/poncho would seriously lack something, it would look just like she took a sheer bathroom curtain and pinned it around herself. Uh, wouldnt it?
People Magazine made a mistake.
For obvious reasons, Flava Flav should have been voted the sexiest man alive, not Jude Law.
No one can wear a hat with big bull horns on it quite the same as Flava, not even Fred Flintstone. And hat with ear flaps? Hello! That just reeks of pure masculine appeal.
And the teeth! Wow, each one is twenty four carats of pure AU. You can never go wrong with a mouthful of burnished metal. Forget a blindingly white smile, when he parts those lips, all I see is ka-ching! Pure gold. He doesnt brush his brassy teeth, he buffs them.
The whole package is pure sexual chocolate.
The extra large clock around his neck? Thats so you know its Flava time, baby.
Kate, are you pregnant? Because I know the only reason a woman would wear a shapeless, empire waist, Midsummer Nights Dream-ish, gown is to hide a tummy.
When you have a nice little shape like yours and can well afford it, why dont you drape yourself in a sexy, daring custom- made gown, not a frock from the Lord of the Rings costume department?
Cher.
Great outfit. I have a feeling you are not wearing underpants with that beaded, sequined loin cloth. And the head dress? Not for Indians anymore.
Im digging the gold boots, cute. Not a bit over the top. Not gaudy at all, after all this is your farewell tour. The outfit really smacks of elegance and simplicity.
Please tell me you have flesh colored stockings or tights on those old legs. I guess this is a good photo to visually depict how one can perserve their body through plastic surgery and costume. The whole thing is just makes me smile. And laugh a little. After all, youre as old as my grandma!
Paris, that is a fabulous album cover, nice of you to give us a sneak peek of the 'private home videos' that are circulating around. Tied up with a microphone, pointing your middle finger? That is really elegant.
You are so chock full of taste and talent I cant stand it.
Kudos for showing restraint on the cover. You really wouldnt want to go with tacky and soft core porn now would you?
Dear Jessica,
Listen, I was hoping we could chat about your lack of breast support.
When you have size DD's, you really need a bra, you dont want to be swaying in the breeze, know what I mean?
You have buckets of money at your disposal and we know you have no problem dropping $700 on bras and panties, so get yourself to Agent Provocateur and buy an underwire, 'kay? Because if that shirt falls any lower, you are going to be trespassing into Tara Reid territory.
See, Jess, the shirt paired with the jeans is just sloppy, were you planning on painting today or doing yardwork? Yeah, didnt think so.
If you are going to wear those kind of holey (not holy pants) pants, then please wear a tee shirt and bra so you dont look like you rolled out of bed and threw on old clothes. The idea with jeans like those is to look hip, not like a slob.
And Nick, are you adjusting yourself? See the Britney Spears nosepicker comments about what not to do when the paparazzi are stalking you.
 Nice face, Jen! Wow. I would have the same reaction if Ben was back at those Vancouver strip clubs. I thought you were keeping Benny on the straight and narrow. What does Matt say? Are you pregnant? Was the Cartier reciept in Bens back pocket a diamond ring for you? Why arent you returning my calls? Listen, lets get together for a Starbucks latte and we can talk. Call me!
Farrah, you used to be the hot angel, what went wrong?
Was it the drugs? Ryan O'Neal? Was it uneven cheek implants or a nose job where too much cartilege was removed? An eye lift that went south? Too many hours in the tanning bed?
Did the botox go sour?
Did the plastic surgeon hit the bottle before taking a scalpel to your face?
I seriously feel sorry for you. Is there anything I can do?
Ahhhh. My holiday season is complete!
Joy is in my heart now that I know Aaron 'ziggy stardust' Carter is in the new Fat Albert movie.
Really, Aaron, Im stoked to see you up on the big screen, little man. I see you winning an award for portraying a...geeky... nerd.. hairless teenager? Am I getting close?
Just kidding, bro. About the award.
 I knew a hobo back in Manhattan who looked just like Ethan in this photo. This guy was pale, unshaven and dirty, smelled like leftover Chinese takeout and didnt own a toothbrush. Ethan, what happened?
 Nothing snarky to say here. Except Im a little jealous of Jennifer Garner. Ben, remember when I met you at the casino and we drank vodka tonics and gambled the night away? Anyway, I hear Jens pregnant and I want to know, is there truth to the rumor?
Hey girlfriend. What did I tell you about wearing hot pants?
Seriously, if you enjoy frontal wedgies why dont you grab a tray and start bussing tables at Hooters? I know the mandatory orange short-shorts are something you would like. They would fit you like the proverbial glove, giving you a camel toe to die for.
Ashanti, theres something called Pants I would like to show you. And there is something else called a Skirt you might want to try on. Lets give the butt hugging, crotch grabbers a rest, shall we?
Nothing is more heartwarming than watching Ozzy and Sharon reenact the birth of Jesus.
When I think of Christmas, I think of a starry night, a manger and hay and of course, the Osbournes, dont you?
Kelly Ripa, I have a paint chipper and a snow scraper to get that makeup off your face if you would like to borrow it.
I applaud your cosmetic application and the bold usage of false eyelashes. I often utilize the falsies myself and love the doe eyed result. Although I do not use Pantene, your hair looks very nice for being double processed and heat styled every morning.
Ive never seen a photo close up of you, so Im enjoying my opportunity to guess how much paint, spackle and dry wall is used on your face. Theres a great product that my maid uses called CLR that cleans just about anything, may I offer it to you for makeup removal? And if you need it, youre welcome to my sponge and steel wool.
Please sir, may I have some more?
Lara Flynn Boil reminds me of Oliver Twist, the poor boy who had to beg for another bowl of disgustingly lumpy porridge. Its really not because of her skinniness, looking like a new born colt with long, unsure legs. Its not because she looks like she needs a bowl of...something to put meat on her bones. Its not because of her hair which is pulled up into the cap. The cap? Bingo, its the tweed newsboy cap that reminds me of the poor orphan.
Im not wild about the tweed cap paired with the tweed blazer...its just too tweedy. Too much tweed. Overdose of the tweed. Tweedy McTweed.
And while we are on the subject of Lara, what exactly did she have done? Lips, nose and cheek implants? Comments?
Im the same way, Nicole. When I get in the pool I like to wear a turtleneck and bathing cap. Sometimes I get out my vintage bathing suit from the early 1900's, you know the one that covers my arms with puffy sleeves and goes down to my knees? That one.
As we all know (and Kimberly Stewart can attest) a bathing cap is unattractive but a must for color treated hair. Glad to see you are being responsible for the upkeep of those dyed tresses.
Nicole, is it true? Did you really have surgery on your knees, is that why we see band-aids? Because I read that you had your knees lipo-ed. Is it true?
Oh Avril, you are just cute as a button! What a nice girl you are. Constantly showing off your demure side. Why, putting your middle finger up is a sign of peace and sticking your tongue out is a sign of love. When I think of you, Avril, I get all warm and fuzzy inside.
Thanks for the warm tingles!
Angelina, you know how I feel about you so Im not going to say anything except, call me!
Colin, hello luv. Long time no see. Please do not remind me about the time we drank too much and ended up dancing on the tables while Justin and Cameron watched. Remember that? And how you passed out after singing "London Bridges"? Gosh, the memories.
I havent seen you in a while though, Colin. Is that your scalp I see through your pulled back, ponytailed hair? I spy a widows peak like Fran Dreschers and a receding hairline. I suppose if you wanted, you could pull your hair into pigtails, its so long.
See, some guys are hot with long hair. Others like you and Bachelor Byron, dont look especially stunning with chin length hair. And I wanted to tell you that a tuxedo jacket shouldnt be worn two sizes too small with a tiny tee underneath.
How about you call me and we can discuss? All right, you son of a @^$*$(@)* ?
Wendell James and Phoebe Price.
Wendell, that shirt is wild. How did you replicate a slide of amoebas and copy it onto polyester? Brilliant! And I have to say, wearing a toilet paper cozy on top of your head is really a genius idea. Nice low riders.
Phoebe, addressing you for a moment, can you tell me exactly who you are and why am I seeing you everywhere? And what did you have to do in order to get Carol Bradys dress from storage? Would you mind sneaking back into the costume department and grabbing Alice's apron for me?
Come a little closer, I want to ask a personal question...I spot an eye lift, nose job, cheek implants, a chin implant, collagen in your lips and a boob job...how did you come up with all the money to pay for it?
And remind me who you are again?
Mariah, have you read my post about Heather Locklear and her clown cheeks? You might want to take a peek.
So tell me, why are you turning into an Asian woman? Whats happening? Its wierd, like youre morphing into someone else. Remember in your Vision of Love days, when your skin was different, your hair was long and curly and your chest wasnt so...pronounced?
Did being married to Tommy Motola make you seek comfort in the skilled hands of a Park Avenue plastic surgeon?
Paris, imagine a world without a photo of you every single day, documenting your each and every shopping spree. Please tell me what its like to be famous for doing basically nothing?
Are those enormous sunglasses an attempt to go incognito? Perhaps I could suggest a ski mask which would be a little more successful at hiding your trademark..everything. That outfit reminds me of a Palm Springs dinner party I attended two years ago and the hostess of the party, Muffy Simmons-St Regis, wore something very similar.
How kind of you to allow your brother to cart around Tinkerbell, but wheres her tiara? Wheres her Gucci jacket? Why are you neglecting her like that?
And Nicky, your hair just keeps getting blacker, why? Are those Minnetonka Moccasin mukluks with a fur/legwarmer combo?
Although this photo is from June, I think it bears a second glance.
Look, Whitney...I know this is a sensitive subject. But drugs have been an issue for a long time and Id like to help. So please tell me, what is your excuse for stealing the Puffy Shirt from that classic Seinfeld episode?
Recently Babs went in to have a polyp removed from her tuckus, word is that the surgery went off like buttah. Gratefully, all is well, although James Brolin is now forced to carry around a plastic, silk covered donut for her buttocks.
Moving on..a few years ago, we had a dinner party here and Barbra was a guest. Later that evening, I realized my royal egyptian, gray terry cloth, double looped bath mat was missing. I thought nothing of it, until I ran across this photo. Yeah. Exactly!
Babs, youve got my bath mat wrapped around you and I want it back!
Stacey from The Apprentice, did your invitation say formal attire? Or did it simply say casual, which lead you to believe it was okay to wrap a napkin around your neck in lieu of a shirt?
Hey, thanks for making table-wear chic. I have the neatest table cloth Im going to wear to the Golden Globes. And theres a lobster bib in my closet, ready to be paired with a denim mini.
While we're looking at your outfit, may I point out the Cover Girl Ice Blue Pink frosted boots you've got on? Did you know it matches Katie Courics lipstick from last year? I admire the shiny-on- shiny thing youre doing. When wearing metallics you really can never go wrong with piling on the shine, you know?
Hmmm, who is this? I see a red bracelet which means one thing in Hollywood, Kabbalah! Its not Midge, its not Paris, must be Demi!
Yes, it is. Her jeans are rolled up to expose some cankles. Demi, tell me, when is the lipo scheduled for removing the spot of fat in each ankle?
And is that a sweatshirt paired with flats? If you wear a sweatshirt and faded jeans, choose some sneakers, would you? Or boots. Not flats, hon.
Melania, is that you?
Or is it the headmistress from an all girls school in the early 19th century? Your forgot your lace-up granny boots and your tin lunch bucket.
Did The Donald choose your outfit? Are you covering up a nasty rash?
Please, you can afford any piece of clothing your heart desires and you pick that?
 Once I went to the Bronx Zoo and I saw a money swinging from a tree with that same expression on its face. I believe it was a capuchin monkey. Why does Ashely insist on puckering her lips like that?
Recipe for a face: take an apple, slice in half. Insert each piece into your cheek, under the eye. Get three vials of botox. Carefully distribute into every visable wrinkle.
Get box of Chiclets and apply to teeth, one at a time, use Polident for strong hold.
With a butter knife, scape out cartilage from your nose and sculpt.
Next, from a cadaver, take lip tissue and thread with sewing needle through your own lips. Make sure its so tight you can barely smile. After those steps have been completed, look in mirror. Viola! Shaun Bagwell.
Oh believe me, Angelina, if Oliver Stone was leaning in for a big, wet, juicy, slobbery, stomach-ache inducing kiss, I would have the same reaction. Pull away! Recoil in disgust!
To Wong Foo, thanks for everything. Love, Kai.
This guys name is Kai, like the perfume but not. Im certain he doesnt smell like honeysuckle and gardenia. He probably smells like Old Spice and Tabu with a dash of sweat.
Is that a polyester blend yellow print blouse? And a Robins egg blue pendent on a strand of plastic pearls? With a trenchcoat? Oh dear. You are a myriad of fashions DONT's. Please, get help.
Joan Rivers face is pulled tighter than saran wrap over tater salad at a picnic.
If she gets more work done, her ears are going to end up behind her. If the doctors keep pulling and stretching that skin, I fear its going to rip right down the middle of her face and split wide open. As if you didnt already look like youre visiting from Planet Surgicus, that shimmery, metallic jacket doesnt flatter. You remind me of a car that has a rebuilt engine and a new paint job but still sputters and clunks along.
And Melissa, I see you are following in your mothers footsteps. Like mother, like daughter. Are your lips so full of collagen that you cannot even create a real smile? And who are you to critique fashion? Is that a see through shirt and a purple bra? Oye vey, can you say tacky?
Somewhere out there, Elizabeth Hurley is making notes on this Little Lord Fauntleroy outfit for her son, Damian.
"Why, the bloomers are brilliant! I love the vest and the tie! The beret, perfect for my little Bing! The Peter Pan booties, genius!"
Cant you totally imagine a child who wears t strap girly shoes, wearing this outfit on a holiday? And oh, how we would laugh...
J. Alexander. Huh?
Did you steal the holiday door wrap that I had on my front door? That is one ugly, ill fitting dress. The front is completely flat and there are no tucks or gathers to suggest you have any sort of shape other than that of a 2 x 4.
Why did you take the cardigan cape from the British nanny? Are you a man or a woman? I have many questions for you. And the makeup? Its frightful. Im not liking the bangs either, its kind of like your hat has a big black curtain along the top.
The hat, its just kind of capping off a bad outfit. Gold fingerless gloves? Dont you know some industry insiders that can help you?
Tyra, please dont tie me up and slap me with the horse hair whip again. My wrists still have bruises from the last time.
I know youre into the whole Gothic/dominatrix thing but I will not fall prey to your games any longer.
The hair! The diamond bondage dog choker necklace! The wierd goth makeup, Tyra its just gotta stop here. The dog lip black lipstick, the heavily made up eyes, honey...no. No more.
And while Im telling you how I really feel, rumors are running rampant about your fast growing breasts. Sometimes the fun bags look a little too big. Dr. Rey can work wonders and then you wont have to go on Oprah and defend yourself.
Venus Williams, what the heck-?
Did Serena sneak up behind you with a pair of scissors and chop the side of your hair off while you were sleeping? Are you trying to singlehandedly bring back the asymmetrical hair style of the 80's? What happened, sugar?
Because I know you didnt really mean to chop only one side of your hair off. Come here, tell me all about it. And then might I suggest a wonderful hair landscaper at the salon I go to in West Hollywood?
What? You cant hear me? Hows THIS, IS THIS BETTER?
I said, LOOK AT THE POST BELOW. Were you in the hospital? Are you feeling better?
What? That was your shirt? Why? Call me, Jessica, we'll talk about your fashion sense or lack of.
This is Eva Pigford, Americas Next Top Model.
Eva, you can expect to be on the cover of a Sephora catalog and... thats pretty much it. I havent seen Yoanna around unless shes doing runway and Im missing the shows.
May I offer a word of advice? Youre a model now, Eva. Might want to think of about
1. Changing your name. A model doesnt want to be associated with a pig, as in your last name. Drop the Pig, Eva Ford sounds better.
and
2. Your hair is very Kramer-esque from Seinfeld. I have a variety of Swarovski encrusted clips Id like to show you.
But congratulations anyway.
Dennis Quaid, meet a hairbrush. Hairbrush, meet Dennis Quaid.
Both of you, I would like to introduce some Rewind hair paste. Ill just leave the three of you alone to make an improvement on Mr. Quaids hair.
Woo! woo! woo!
Arsenio, that is so old. Stop doing your schtick, that was over in 1989. By the way, youre still around?
 Ronn Moss and Danny De Vito. But were not here to look at Danny. Get a load of this guy, he looks so fake as if he could melt the plastic right off his face. He clearly paid a visit to Bruce Jenner's surgeon. I havent seen cheek bones that chiseled since I owned a Ken doll. And that hair! Feathered hair in the year 2004! No way! Its porn star hair! A purple scarf? What? WHY? Purple is the last color a man should wear. And the buckle, dude, tell me youre from Taos or someplace where that kind of buckle is accepted. This man is just begging to be teased! He might be wearing contouring blush and earrings in both ears. But still, a purple scarf?
"Welcome to TGI Shizzle's. Ill be yo server today, mine name be Snoop. And dis be my helper, Fat Daddy Pimp Tiger. You care to hear the special of da day mo' fo?
You want Compton cheese fries or a gangsta burger? How 'bout some Mad Dog wine, comes wif a brown paper bag to drink out of. Dis be da place to get gold tooth onion dip, G."
Mmmm, mmmmm. For shizzle!
While Britney runs around as if New York is experiencing a heat wave...
Kevin Federline decides to leave the "living in a van down by the river" look of manpris and a wife-beater and actually wears full length jeans and a long sleeve shirt.
Im not loving the grungy long sleeves contrasted with the blaring white of your shoes but one step at a time, Federline, one step at a time.
HEY Y'ALL! GIDDY UP!
Although tempatures in New York City have dropped into the low thirties, Britney is determined to not wear a jacket in order to show off both her nipples and her stamina.
Teeny little BitBit snuggles into Brits ample silicone cleavage for warmth. Tell me, why isnt that dog wearing a coat? Shouldnt she be shrouded in cashmere? Wheres PETA?
In an attempt to cover her split ends and dark roots, Britney dons a hat to go along with her ensemble of a spaghetti strap tank and belted skirt. She knowingly looks at the camera as if to say, "Y'all, I cant dress in the west, what makes you think I can pull an outfit together on the east coast?"
My eyes! My eyes! I cant see!
For the love of God, please, hand me my sunglasses!
That dress, I cant focus my pupils, they wont dilate any more!! That polyester carnival of colors is so revolting! Is she setting an anti-fashion statement, trying to give off free love vibes from the 1960's Woodstockian frock? I dont know! I fear to look closely, afraid my eyes will swell and burst!
Kevin "gaunt cheeks" Bacon and his wife look straight ahead because they know with one glance, their brains will either explode from viewing the Yellow Submarine of a dress, or their eyes will suffer an immediate attack of broken vessels, glaucoma and cataracts.
Jennifer, remember last time we went shopping and I strongly cautioned you against pulling your hair back like that? And do you recall how I explained trousers such as those shouldnt be tucked into boots because it looks like you are wearing jodphurs and riding boots but youre really not? The way they blouse out around the top of the boot is not tres chic.
And when you tried on that jacket with the funky gopher fur around the shoulders, what did I say? Thats right, I told you a belly shirt was bad but a belly jacket was worse. And why didnt you take my advice and wipe off the bronze eye shadow that makes your eyes look like theyre bleeding? Jen, I thought we were friends.
*sniff* Now that I know you ignore my solid fashion advice, Im going to have to refuse to choreograph your next video. So there.
Ive come down with a mean case of the shingles after viewing this photo of Rosie.
Dude, whats up with the cut off sleeves on your denim shirt? And I have to ask, whats around your wrist, is that a sweat band???
Then, I try to avoid it, but my eyes travel down to your shoes and I feel shaky all over, kind of feverish too. Red plastic clogs? Look, just because youre a lesbian doesnt mean you cant dress nicely. If youre outside gardening, then okay, wear that. If you are going to be seen by actual people outside of your home then please, go to Lane Bryant and put together an outfit.
I dont see Ellen wandering around in stonewashed denim shirtsleeves and leggings with no makeup, making strange faces. But, to each his...or her, own.
Holy crap! This photo of Loni Anderson is making me want to claw at my computer screen and cry out, "No more plastic surgery, please!"
Is this what happened after Burt Reynolds left the scene? Did Loni insert the heels of French bread into her cheeks? Doesnt she realize that her hair rivals Barbara Walters for the see-through quality women over 60 possess?
Gosh, Loni. Trout pout and cheeks that could cut glass, when is enough, enough? I think now.
I didnt know Benjamin Bratt was going under cover for Al Quada. Wheres the turban, Ben? Why didnt you consult me before heading to the middle east? I think the black turtleneck just extends his beard making it look like hes got a long ZZ Top thing going on. He used to be cute, but...not now.
Sometimes all we have is pity.
What else can we collectively feel for Tara Reid? She cannot even stand up here, that guy is holding her tight, look at how his arms are wrapped around her so she doesnt fall over. Shes pale, bloated, drunk, high and smells like stale beer and the bar at closing time.
You just know that guy cant wait to get back to his place for a little booty action. "Hurry up! Take the picture already! Before she passes out and I have to stuff her body into a taxi..again!"
Here is Paz de la Huerta. I dont know who she is or what she does, but I do know that her outfit is a juxtaposition of messages.
The slinky top says "Come up for a nightcap, loverboy." The jeans say "Wet Seal circa 1990" and the Fuggs, I mean the Uggs are are asking for a S'more around the campfire. The flat hair suggests shes been swimming with Kimberly Stewart and didnt have time to style it. The jutting of her chin dares us to make fun of her. Well, okay!
And shes at a party for Lucky, the fashion magazine. Ironic, isnt it?
Dude.
Your fifteen minutes was up twenty minutes ago. Here, William"She Bang! She Bang!" Hung is promoting his new holiday cd, if you can believe it, "Hung for The Holidays" - I kid you not. Please, make no reference to the double entendre.
Hey William, I just love your color-blind outfit, the chinese red patterned shirt under the autumn plaid jacket, brilliant you sexy little devil, you.
Kidding aside, when I first heard "She Bang" on the radio, my ears started to bleed. Therefore, I will not be buying "Hung for The Holidays." (for more on being "hung" refer to the Carrot Top post below).
Help me. Help me become the Carrie Bradshaw of the blog world. The Carrie Blogshaw, if you will.
My goal is to reach one million people. It sounds like a ton but I know of blogs that see that many people in a week. Thanks for passing on this blog to your friends and spreading the word...I hope to continue writing and making you laugh.
I just want to make the world a happier place by making fun of one famous person at a time!
BREAKING NEWS.
Ellen is now dating Portia de Rossi. WOW.
I remember having dinner with Portia not too long ago, we were at Nobu and I was wearing a cute cute dress with a ...wait, that wasnt the topic. Anyhoo, over dinner, we chatted and she mentioned nothing about Ellen. So how come I wasnt the first to know?
Im a little saddened by this, Portia. I thought we were friends.
Its really bad when you cant even tell the difference between Courtney Love and Britney Spears.
Which one of them is this? I believe its Courtney Love, theres no tell tale acne bubbling from the pores. Correct me if Im wrong.
Its the fearsome threesome! Paris, Lindsay and Ashlee.
Whats with the grandma cardigan, Linds? The purse, the boots, the loose pink shirt? The Palm Beach granny bag? You look like youre on the lam from a nursing home.
And Ash, gotta tell you, Im not loving the black L'eggs pantyhose with your gauchos. Why dont you do what the fashionable do, and suffer?
Being cold is way worse than being caught with the dreaded pantyhose, unless youre being tied up with them and then youre going to have to talk to Paris.
Who's The Boss? Certainly not Danny Pintauro.
Is that an AC/DC tee shirt under a tuxedo jacket? And a shimmery, fierce red tie? Dude, a tie goes with a collared shirt! And a concert tee goes with jeans!
Do I have to draw a picture for you? I thought you were gay, shouldnt you have more fashion sense?
Hi Kimberly Stewart! Did you see your step-mom, Rachel Hunter a few posts down?
Anyway, were here to talk about you, hon. Your hair!
You must have gone swimming and forgot your bathing cap. Your hair sort of has a greenish hue and it looks like it dried without the aid of a blow dryer and brush and product. You might have time to dart into the bathroom and fix it, but be quick. You dont want your photo taken like that!
 Traci Bingham, is it time to play dodgeball? Basketball? Volleyball? Because Im assuming you brought the sports equipment, Im just wondering why you put them in your blazer?
Oh, is Jessica Biel in the hospital?
Because once I had to be in the hospital overnight, and I was given this awful thing called a 'johnnie' that tied in the back and was very blousy and unflattering in the front. Im assuming this photo was taken in the surgical unit because Jessica also seems to be wearing the 'johnnie'. I hope she feels better soon.
Bai Ling shows Samuel Jackson her band aid. Sometimes when you dont have a sharp razor to shave your legs, you end up with nicks and scrapes. But thats not what Im looking at.
What I see is a multitude of little green barrettes in her hair, as if Goody exploded on top of her head. When you need an entire twelve pack of little girl clips to hold back your hair, its time to find a new style. If one simple clip cant get the job done, find a new way to wear your hair because all those green things dont look very classy. And if Bai Ling is known for anything, its her class. Oh, and dating Chris Isaak.
Awww, Avril. Come out of your shell, dont be shy!
Look at the way youre so demure and coy. You silly girl! So sweet, like a playful kitten! The way your cigarette dangles from your lip like a trucker...the friendly wave of your finger...the heavily kohled eyes...
Your mother must be so proud.
This lady is named Alex Best.
I think she might be British which is great, but her skin is so greasy, its as if she fell into a vat of Wesson!
Alex, please meet Shine Free Pressed Powder by Maybelline. Its cheap and it gets the job done. No longer will you have to worry about Oil Slick syndrome where your skin offers more oil than a Dallas drilling hole.
And I just have to ask, Have you been appyling Hawaiian Tropic Self tanner? Youre looking rather...brownish orange. Well, one step at a time. Get some blotting papers and Shine Free and then we'll talk.
 Note to Josie Maran. Stand aside when feeding paper through the shredder. You might get your dress caught in there and then..oops. I can see you know firsthand what happens after that. PS. Still dating David Blaine? Couldnt he perform some magic and fix your dress?
Ashanti, shaking her money maker.
A word about hot pants: bad. Wanna create instant camel toe? Short, tight shorts that creep up your hiney and grab you front and back.
I know shes dancing but I really dont like viewing arm pits. Im hoping what I see is a shadow and not pit hair stubble.
Ashanti, its December out. Please, dont wear shorts and remember to keep your arms down.
This lady is Sylvia Miles and her hat needs to be removed. Looks like a giant, pink powder puff from my Loves Baby Soft gift set sitting on her head. And while we're talking about her head, whats with the long hair? Darling, women of your mature age should wear their hair above shoulder length. I bet if you met her in person, you would choke on the cloud of Youth Dew that surrounds her.
Nice velvet tunic and pearls. Love the scarf and the way the gray of your hair and the pink of your hat all come together around your neck.
Katie Couric, take a page out of Heather Locklears book and put a little blush on your ghostly cheeks. Have you just suffered a bout with the flu?
Your head looks gi-normous! How about some bang action? Please dont underestimate the gentle face framing of a light wispy bang.
I must commend you on forgoing that awful, heinous orange skin and frosted lipstick you were sporting last year. I was wondering how much Mystic Tan and Wet N Wild frosted lipstick one person could handle. Glad to see youre trying to be au natural but please, light bronzer and a nice rosy gloss would be fan-tabulous! (and dont forget the bangs!)
Finally! Freddie Prince Jr gets his star on the Hollywood walk of fame. And his heads been shaved and hes looking a little bloated for the occasion.
Wow, Ive been waiting a long, long time for this paragon of acting excellence to receive acclaim. Its been like, four years since hes been acting! And we've been holding our breath for this moment since "I Know What You Did Last Summer." After viewing"Scooby Doo 2" I knew this kid was headed for success.
Touched By A Hideous...coat that is. And hat too, if Im being honest.
Della Reese always reminds me of a chipmunk storing nuts in her puffy cheeks (and chin too actually). Funny, shes got all kinds of celebrity elements going on here. Star Jones' fur coat, Hilary Duffs wierd multi black hair, Kevin Federlines fedora with a wild print courtesy of Julia Stiles skirt, sunglasses by Britney. And it all comes together thanks to Della's funky style!
MANILOW MANIA IS SWEEPING THE NATION!
Or at least exciting many middle aged women and gay men. Thank goodness Ill have another entertainment choice when visiting Las Vegas since he will now be headlining at the Las Vegas Hilton. I wonder if Paris had anything to do with this? Knowing Paris' excellent business acumen, Im sure she had a hand in the deal.
It used to be I had to choose over Celine Dion, Wayne Newton and the Liberace review, now theres a new man in town! I love his pancake makeup and flatironed hair. This man knows how to entertain!
 Hey Andy Roddick, is that a tennis racket between your cheeks, or are you happy to see me?
Ewww....Molly looks possessed by her violent, Indian corn colored, Pucci printed, jigsaw puzzle of a dress. Gah!
Again with the red lipstick. People, listen, not everyone can pull off a crimson pout. Subtly goes far. Think of the heavily lined eyes and pale lips of runways past. Samantha Baker, you really did look prettier in pink.
Unflattering photo of Sarah Michelle Geller, therefore highly appropriate and necessary for viewing here. Im not a big fan of the red lipstick and the smirk.
Although I must say Im proud of her for not getting her nose done. Kudos, Buffy, for not following the trend of becoming a carbon copy of Hollywoods idea of beauty. Keep the nose but lose the blood red face paint.
Lindsay Lohan! Enough with the laxatives already. Have you done Colon Blow and ended up wiping out twenty pounds of impacted fecal matter or what?
You are skinny, skinny and I no like! Dude, get yourself to In 'N Out Burger and order a double double and a large shake before you head into Mary Katesville.
Julia, what up? I can see you're going for a Steve Irwin vibe here but Im not feeling it. The khaki jacket, the jungle print skirt with a funky ruffle around the bottom and the toga shoes..not really high fashion. Are you heading to the rainforest? Going on a safari? Auditioning for the next Survivor? Im telling you that skirt should be standard Army issue, it would provide awesome camoflage.
Are you wearing the Ralph Lauren presents Jeff Corwin Collection?
A photo of the happy couple. Look! See those huge smiles! How could there be anything wrong if two people can look so in love? Cleary the rumors are wrong wrong wrong. The big grin on Jessicas face says it all.
Somewhere in Los Angeles, Joe Simpson is sticking pins in his Nick Lachey voodoo doll.
Ahhh, yes. The yearly 'Santa giving blood photograph' that warms our hearts, the image we've all come to hold dearly in our minds. Santa, flying through the sky with his reindeer...Santa happily eating platters of cookies...Santa, holding small children on his lap...Santa giving blood...! huh?
And why do we need to see Santa giving blood? People, just be grateful he wasnt getting his yearly colonoscopy.
Swiss Miss Instant Coco! When I look at Scarlett Johansson here, all I can think is how I crave a nice hot cup of hot chocolate. Braids put me right back in my childhood and I can conjure up a vision of a blue box with a little blond swiss girl on the front.
Its ironic, isnt it? Its at the premiere of "A Love Song For Bobby Long" therefore, shes got bobby pins in her hair! Very slick, Scarlett. Very Freudian. Nice usage of a clever hint and subliminal clues.
But I still cant figure out the braids. Maybe in the movie, people are braided together in some way? Peoples lives are intertwined? You are a sly fox, Scarlett!
EEK! Wow, Ethan Hawke sure is looking a little rough around the edges. What did you say? oooohhh, Kevin Bacon? Okay. Well then let me offer a comment on his cookie duster mustache and goatee. Either shave or dont. I dont this sloppy looking, barely there whisper of facial hair.
Kevin, take off the glasses, the only person that gets away with sunglasses indoors is Jack Nicholson and Im thinking hes a little too old for that gimmick at this point. And your forehead? A hat is your friend, as long as its not a fedora (see Robert "Flasher" Downey Jr.) or a trucker cap (see Britney "Smelly Feet" Spears).
Gwyneth and Christy Turlington.
Dont you think a conversation between the two of them might go something like this:
"You're so pretty."
"No, you are!"
"No, you are!"
"Youre sooo skinny!"
"No you're like, so skinny!"
"Wanna go stare at ourselves in the reflection of a window?"
"Okay!"
There they go with their non-fat-soy-wet-decaf-not too hot-sugar free-calorie free- virgin coffee bean capuccinos from Starbucks. Gwenyth! I thought you didnt consume anything but soybeans and brown rice and bottled spring water, fresh from the slopes of a Swiss mountain? What have I missed?
Whats with the plastic tent over Christy's stroller? No one is a bigger germ phobe than me, but it looks like that kid is in an oxygen tent.
 Britneys feet. Look closely, Ive read the gossip were her feet are rumored to have a nasty stench and be all gangrene-y and hideous. Arent you thankful your computer screen isnt scratch n sniff?
And they call it, Pupppppyyyy Looovvve....oh Donny Osmond. I used to be such a fan, back when you wore your purple jumpsuit and matching lavender socks. Gosh I thought you were hot. Then again, I thought Peter from the Brady Bunch was hot too. Theres no accounting for taste when youre six years old.
Have to say, not such a fan anymore. Sorry.
Hey y'all! Me 'n my ma are in New York City!
Like my new hat? Aint it purty? Yeah! Its even got little titty covers right here, they remind me of those Hostess Snowballs that me and Kev like to eat when we drink Red Bull and eat Cheetos.
Yeah!
Awww! Poor Big Bird!
Ashee killed him, dyed his feathers black and green then draped him around her neck! How wrong! Does Papa Simpson know about this? Oh, wait, hes too busy trying to break up Nick and Jessica.
DANGER .
For your safety and the safety of others, please take a moment and read the possible complications listed here-
This photo may induce any or all of the following:
Vertigo, rapid heartbeat, blood in the stool, earache, dizzyness, fever, night sweats, a craving for Twinkies/Ring Dings/Hoho's.
Please consult your doctor if after viewing this photo of Rosie O'Donnell, you experience: extreme thirst, diabetic coma, ringing in the ears, athletes foot, heart palpitations and jock itch. *Old people, children and small animals may require years of professional therapy if these photos are observed.
WARNING.
Before viewing this photo, please remove all small children from the room. Adults may need use of a sedative either before or after viewing.
Not following this advice may result in the following: nightmares, bed wetting, an aversion to top hats, hallucinations, diarreha, blindness, headaches, genital warts and vomiting.
Reports of scurvy, gangrene and rickets have just come in.
How could I not post this?
Oh Brit. Please. Clean yourself up. Order some ProActiv. Dont wear trashy trucker hats with redneck proclaimations. You have a nine thousand square foot home, tell me, is there a reflective substance somewhere in that mansion? You probably have six bathrooms, does not one of them have a mirror with lights?
And the first rule of being a celeb is DONT PICK YOUR NOSE, at least not in public! Because we all know, theres always a paparazzi lurking about, just waiting for you to pull a wedge or pick your face. Or your nose, as the case may be.
Theres nothing like an afternoon of shopping while wearing fingerless gloves like those of a hobo and sporting dirty, dry, bleached out hair like a homeless Britney. (see below) Its the new heroin chic but its all about unwashed hair and greasy skin.
Its the modern odd couple, Paris Hilton and my dear friend, Pam Anderson. How come I wasnt invited to tag along? I guess I shouldnt feel so bad, Tinkerbell wasnt invited either unless she stowed away in Paris' handbag. Or Pams bra.
Oh no. Bad thought.
Maybe theyre comparing notes on video distribution for stolen home porn tapes? I think Paris might have the edge on that one.
I once had a rabid squirrel in my yard that made the exact same face Jimmy Carrey is making in this photo. He was foaming and frothing at the mouth, running around baring his teeth, looking like he was ready to bite me.
Jim, have you had your rabies shot lately?
 Elton John, did you know that a bird pooped on your arm?
Bridgitte Nielson, wow. Are you sure you dont need a safety net for those things?
As if we didnt see it all hang out on the Surreal Life, you had to do a repeat performance of your looniness? Why bother with a top at all? Been there, seen those.
Whats the deal with that big, black, cape- like thing you are holding on to? Abracadabra! And she vanishes into a block of ice!
By the way, hows Flavvvvaaaaaaa Flav doing these days?
Why so blue, bugaboo?
Gee, Ashely, I can think of like a gagillion reasons not to be a pouting mess, all of them preceeded by dollar signs. Chin up, Michelle Tanner!
Umm, are those leggings?
There was a time when I thought Rachel Hunter was totally hot. I mean, she looked so much like me. We're both blonde, tall and have ties to Rod Stewart. See, Im friends with a friend of a friend of his daughter. But I digress.
Rachel is shown here with Jason Davis. Or is it Rosie O'Donnell? Either way Rachel has a double chin.
No offense Rachel, but when the photo op presents itself, reapply some lipstick and lift your head up, avoid the double chin and sagging jowls. Was being on Gilligans Island really that bad?
 Dylan McDermott, sporting the "Thirty nine days in a cabin in the woods with nothing but a coon skin cap and some beef jerky" look. Very chic, Dylan. Very Grizzy Adams-esque.
Jean-Claude Van Bulge.
I cant look at the picture long enough to create a note. I suddenly feel ill. Please, no comments.
Touched By An Ugly, outfit that is.
Roma Downey is another celeb caught looking less than stellar. People, come on! Stylists! Do I have to spell it out? My Labradoodle, Anna Wintour, dresses better than this. You should see her in her mini argyle sweater and matching headband. Can you say cute?
The top half of the outfit is okay..jean jacket, yes. Blue shirt, okay. Belt, sure. Purse, eh. Although I would have varied the blue on blue layering. But the skirt? What is this? Once I bought a couple yards of tulle and made my own skirt, the result was a cross between a lamp shade and a tutu. Roma, no! Stop! Im getting mixed messages from your outfit. Is it casual? Are you trying to do couture? What?
Is that the lower half of a prom dress circa 1985? Yech. The top of the outfit does not match with the bottom, obviously. And the poodle curls by your ears? Honey, see the Thora Birch comments. Hot rollers, love. And a stylist.
Robert Downey Jr, you look like a foppish dandy in that jaunty fedora and trenchcoat.
And when I see a man in a trenchcoat for no good reason, Im inclined to think "Flasher!"
Hide my eyes! My eyes!
Oh dear. I admit, Ive been a victim of clown cheeks too. Ive left the house, much like Heather, not realizing I look like an escapee from Ringling Bros. Circus.
Heath, you need a little de-blushification. Geranium pink dots on your cheeks do not give you that sunkissed California girl glow.
Get out a Kleenex and wipe that off, stat! Wheres Scott Barnes? I hear hes looking for work. (see J.Lo during her Affleck period for a visual reference of the dewy, skillfully bronzed complexion.)
PS. Two words: Miracle Bra
Are you there God? Its me, Distressed Jeans.
If I could ask one thing, I would like to wake up tomorrow morning, look in the mirror and see Angelina Jolies reflection. I promise not to ask for anything for the whole year if you can just do this one thing for me.
I wont party at Nacional and Concord Club although Paris keeps calling me to join her and Nicky. I promise not to dance with the Pussycat Dolls even though Carmen is so much fun to hang out with! And I do love wearing fishnets...
I wont listen to Eminem although he dedicated one of his songs to me. I promise I wont spend all of daddys money even though he uses dollars bills instead of toilet paper. I wont send my assisant out to walk my dog and pick up the poop with toaster tongs. I wont even call my agent in the middle of the night and whine about how all the good parts go to Julia Roberts (but not anymore.. heeheehee).
Seriously, I wont talk down to salespeople even if they suggest a size 2 because I know Im a 0 and a 2 is so insulting! I wont go into Fred Segal and take a heap of clothes into the dressing rooms and not buy anything. I promise I wont get Botox anymore because we all know its a waste of money and I end up looking like a Cabbage Patch doll with immovable features.
So with all that being said, what do you say? Long hair...luscious lips...arched brows...awesome body...please?
Brother, can you spare a dime?
Its that time of year. Find it in your heart to give to the less fortunate. The poor, the sick, the needy, the acne ridden, the hair- color challenged, those with split ends who simply cannot go out and get some Redken.
Wont you please give to the Britney Spears Foundation for PopStars Who Dont Know How To Primp?
 Eeeek! Its Star Jones!! Bahahahaaa!
Remember the episode of Seinfeld where George lays on the velvet couch and has his picture taken in the nude?
Thats what this photo of Carson Kressley reminds me of. Except for the nude part. His feline position is disturbing, all seductive and trying to be sexy. Look at the black lounge slippers and velvet smoking jacket ala Hugh Hefner minus his throng of breasty babes. Who knew the Hef was a fashion inspiration for the queer eye?
Washed out jeans? You and I both know that looks sloppy. Tsk, tsk. And for Gods sake Carson, close your mouth!
"Im day dreaming of...Hilary. No, Lindsay. No, Hilary. No, Ziggy Stardust. Its so hard choosing. Just look at me, so ambiguous. About many things. And yes, I know I look like Sharon Stone.
My chest was just waxed this morning, eye makeup done an hour ago. Hair properly mussed by that Queer Eye guy. Eyebrows drawn in by my big brother Nick. My face is as smooth as a peach. Not that I really need to shave. Im only like, sixteen.
Ive got chicks fighting over me. Seriously! I do! Really! No, I swear. Chicks dig me. Really! Dude, Im hot."
No, Aaron. You arent.
Call Kathie Lee, pronto. Shes been there, done that.
"National Labor Committee claimed the manufacturer of the sisters' Wal-Mart clothing line failed to give paid maternity leave to its Bangladeshi workers." (people magazine website)
And you thought you had problems? Ha! Good thing the twins took time out of their party schedule to try to rectify the situation. Oh, I have idea..how about producing your clothing line in America? What an idea!
Hi Thora Birch.
I remember you back from when you were on that show with Julia Louis Dreyfus and Courtney Thorne-Smith. You were like, three years old. And look at you now. I mean, really, look!
Thora, can I be frank? You kind of look like the harried mother of four. Pale, tired, with no time to do your hair and apply makeup.
I dont want to be mean about this, but please wipe off the vivid red lipstick. Benefit makes a really nice shade called Mocha Frosting that would look lovely on you. I know, because I have it. And I also have the same ivory skin so I know its complimentary.
Okay, moving on. Your hair. I see you with bangs first of all. Side swept bangs with a shorter hair do. Have you seen Julia Stiles in the Bourne Supremecy? Like that. And Conair makes hot rollers that heat up in less than five minutes, very easy to use.
A swipe of bronzer, some dark green eyemakeup and how about some false eyelashes. Can you feel the change? And how about a cute Betsey Johnson dress? Something young and fun and flirty. There you go, isnt that better? Im glad I could help.
Resurrecting J. Lo?
This is Michelle Trachtenburg wearing a Versace- like top, reminiscent of the infamous Jennifer Lopez gown back in her P. Diddy days.
I hate to say it, but for a young starlet I find this top unflattering especially the ruffly bottom and the wierd part around the shoulders. I have a sarong that I use for lounging by the pool at the Four Seasons and if I wrap, twist, belt it, it comes out looking just like that shirt.
Its cold outside, it is December after all, and we can almost see just how cold she is, if you know what I mean and I think you do.
So Michelle, cover up. Buy an entire shirt. One gust of wind and you're going to end up on the cover of The Star. Or Maxim.
PS. Bravo for not getting ridiculous implants like some people we know.
Hilary "stuff by-" Duff...er...uhh...nice outfit?
I want to take a moment and let you know that under no circumstances should you pair red and green. I understand its the holidays, but still. The Mardi Gras beads? No. The toilet paper trim on your sweater? No. The weird black curls in your hair? No. Honey, you are a very pretty girl, so please look in the mirror before you go out and make sure your outfit is well coordinated. There are some very helpful people at Hollister that would love to wrap your body in tiny tee shirts and flared pants.
Hilary, may I offer up my services as a stylist? Id like to see you in some Abercrombie distressed jeans. A black turtleneck. No black in your hair. Maybe a fitted blazer and some cool boots (not Uggs).
Wearing a skirt that sort of resembles a lamp shade is not the way to win Aaron Carter back. I hate to bring this up, but did you happen to see your nemisis, Lindsay Lohan, on the cover of both People and Entertainment Weekly?
 I love this hair. It gives me an overwhleming desire to turn Ryan Cabrera upside down and give my kitchen a good sweeping.
Is that a soft coat wheaten terrier on your head, or are you happy to see me?
I think I spot a member to the Dolly Parton Signature Wig Club.
What does it feel like to have hair as wide as your husbands whole body? Poor skinny, little Marc Anthony could hide behind that explosion of hair. She needs to walk sideways through doors because her big frizz cant fit through a normal doorway.
I actually read somewhere that J.Lo uses lots of extensions. All the better to discreetly hide P. Diddy in that tangle of hair. Seriously, why carry a purse when you can just stick a makeup bag and some keys in your hair? Frees up your hands.
Did I mention that Marc "Skeletor" Anthony is really skinny? He should join me for some garlic bread and mashed potatoes or I can force feed him some white Uncle Bens and WonderBread.
Hey Jenny from the Block, doesnt Madres serve carbs?
No way!
Now Donald Trump is launching a cologne (see Paris "dirty bedsheets" Hilton). What could that smell like? What aroma does the Trumpster reek of? Well, money of course.
And heavy gold, jacquard prints and the gas of a private jet. And lots and lots of Aqua Net.
This is Jason Davis, brother of Brandon Davis who is always shown pouting with Mischa Barton.
When you are a big heavy guy, its not a good idea to wrap yourself in pleather. The heat! The friction! You can almost see the sweat dripping off his double chin. His button is stretching to maximum capacity, it.. just.. cant... hold it together.
And that shirt! He must be headed to a luau, thats the only excuse I can come up with to wear something so bright. You know, when youre big and bold, bright colors arent really your friend. And stating the obvious, neither is pleather.
Sunglasses? Why? Its not helping your coolness factor, Jason.
Have you seen The Biggest Loser? They're taking applications...hint, hint.
 Anna. Please. Lay. Off. The. Drugs. Trust me. This is not flattering and its certainly not good for your 'career'. Note to Anna: ecstasy, coke, Trimspa and a Pabst Blue Ribbon kegger dont mix.
 Oh thank you. Thank you for getting back together for a reunion tour. Because if you didnt do it now, that guy who looks like Alice Cooper just might not make it in another couple of years. Note to Tommy Lee, when there are cameras around, dont make that face.
What I am about to say might make you a little sick. But its the honest truth. According to the fine people over at Fametracker, this is one of the most well hung celebrities (and I use that term loosely) in Hollywood.
I know what youre thinking. Gross.
Carrot Top? Really? Yes. Go on over to the Celebrity Endowment page and you can see for yourself. I mean, read for yourself. That's something better left unseen.
Mr. and Mrs. Federline and their little girl who is actually wearing a diamond choker and a tutu. Seriously, I cant make that stuff up.
Note to Federline, lose the fedora, homeslice. Your "beard" resembles a patchy lawn that needs to be mowed, Ill be happy to demonstrate the effects of Epilady. Sneakers? Really? Want to rethink that choice there, Kev? And an actual collared shirt and tie with dress shoes go a long way. (contact Armani, ASAP)
PS. Brit, I see London...I see France...dont bend over. And what is Kevin holding? Please, for the love of God, dont tell me its a blanket for the hairless dog.
 Britney Spears Federline. And her daughter.
Hello. Im Tara Finkelstein, of the Boca Raton Finkelsteins. Im off to Mar A Lago for a late night martini.
I just wanted to show off my poly-rayon blend pantsuit and my updo. Do you like the outfit? I bought it at Lohmanns, darling. My husband Irving bought me the necklace.
What do you think? What? You thought I was in my twenties? No, darling. Im a sixty year old Floridian socialite! Silly you! Dont you see my leathery skin? My hair style? My diamonds? (psst. My cousin Ira knows people on Canal Street. He can get you a great deal on jewels. FYI, darling.)
Pantsuits are really in among the over fifty set. Now lets go play some Mah Jong!
 Who the heck is this? Do you know? Straight up now, tell me! Well well well, its Paula "Botox" Abdul. Check out those cheek implants. Look at those frozen laugh lines. Did you notice nary a wrinkle on her smooth forehead? And that big pompadour. I havent seen one of those since...Elvis. Hush Hush. You dont have to say anything. Its so obvious what you did during hiatus from American Idol. I just wonder what Simon thinks. "Paula! Ab-so-lute-ly horrid!"
Calling Fred Segal...part one
Binky Von Schnabel knew if anyone were to find out the truth, she might never show her perfectly sculpted face out in public again. If the press ever caught wind of her background, well forget ever sitting at the prime spot at The Ivy. She would never be interviewed for Harpers Bazaar or be on Entertainment Tonight again.
As Binky was getting her toenails buffed with an emery board that was created from virgin sand off the coast of Trinidad, she sighed. No, she had created this world and she wouldn’t let anyone drag her down. She wiggled her long thin toes, each gleaming with a rich oil, culled from the finest olives in Italy.
“ChingChang, I want my special color. Tonight we are going to Spago!” She ordered the girl who was rubbing her feet. The girl looked up, her beautiful black hair laying down her back in a thick glossy sheet.
“I’ve told you before, my name is Sherry.” She said, annoyed with Binky for not knowing her name after three years of tending to Mrs. Von Schnabel’s size nine feet.
“Yes, well, whatever.” Binky sniffed, lifting her Vanity Fair up to her face so she didn’t have to look at this minion.
Binky Von Schnabel was rich. The kind of rich that we common folk only ever dream of. The kind of rich where you can walk into any store, any time and buy whatever your heart desired without looking at the price tag. The kind of rich where you owned your own yacht and it was even named after you. The Binky was currently docked down in Newport Beach, getting maintenance done. The hand-crafted Alaskan pine was to be polished, the silk weaved carpet steamed, the imported stain glass windows washed. The Binky was a beautiful ship, rising majestically out of the blue Pacific ocean, vivid white with brassy gold trim and a jaunty red flag, bright against the white capped water in the bay.
The Von Schabel girls occupied a place where diamond encrusted seaweed micro infused ginko biloba facials are de riguer. A civilization where one just cannot get by without a bimonthly non-fat soy milk espresso colon cleanse.
The Von Schnabel girls had their nail polish colors custom blended with paints culled from rare and exotic plants native to southern tip of Asia. Their custom made perfume was harvested twice a year from the fragrant boingaboinga flower, grown only in the geographical location of the South American pampas region where the flower blooms only three times a year.
Across town, Buffy Von Schnabel was commanding her “individual couture engineer” to create a pattern for a dress that would accentuate her voluminous pregnant breasts yet hide the bulging belly that she herself found so disgusting. She wanted something in the color of chartreuse, with a hint of lime. “No no no!”she bellowed at the Mexican seamstress. “I said I wanted a hint of lime. There’s too much green in this piece!” her manicured hand shook as she held out a sample of silky fabric in front of Juana’s perplexed face.
“Never mind!” she tossed the sample aside and left the building without saying goodbye to neither Juana or her assistant Becky. Next time she would go directly to Vera Wang.
 Renee. You are welcome to come over and Ill bake some muffins for you. Lets gain ten pounds and color your hair. You know what people are saying dont you? That you look like your ex-boyfriend. The one with the black hair and ivory skin. Id like to see you back as a blonde and with some poundage on you. And pale lipstick. And a slightly less bloated face. Call me, we'll make plans to carbo load.
Britney. I find it a little weird that you're carrying that hairless pup around like it's a nursing baby. And I wanted to ask... why dont you style your hair? Why are you pulling it up on top of your head like a little girl? Or are you not yet a woman? A ponytail, not yet a top-knot? A messy bun, not yet a chignon?
Either way, lets whip out a curling iron and do something with it. And ProActiv really does work wonders. I just thought you would want to know.
PS I think Scott Barnes is available now that J Lo got rid of him. You might want to give him a call, he can make you look tan and fabulous, you're looking a little pastey, a little like....your husband. PPS MC Hammer called. He wants his pants back.
Star Jones.
Ugh. Where do I begin? Seriously, you made me ill at the Emmys talking to everyone about your upcoming wedding to that guy that everyone swears is gay. Clearly your marriage is platonic. Your chinchilla coat makes me gag. Do you know how many little critters had to die to cover your fleshy body in fur? Was it really worth it Star?
And honey, really. That dress does not showcase your breasts in a positive manner. Your boobies look like pancakes. Not good. Ill admit, theres just something about Ms. Jones-Reynolds that I cant stand. Is it her constant talk about herself? The ridiculous rules she employed at her wedding, prohibiting her female friends from wearing PANTS? Anyway, I give the marriage two years. Any bets?
Pam Anderson and I are such good friends. We take long walks on the beach and giggle about men. We love animals and have both been on Baywatch. The things we have in common are endless.
Here I took a photo of her at her sons basketball game. Look at the intense concentration on her face. Shes probably thinking about how we just got our nails done and had a wonderful lunch at Moonshadows. Or maybe shes recalling the time we put itching powder in David Hasselhoff's red shorts on set.
Something I love about Pammy is that she doesnt have a nanny. Shes really down to earth and sweet. By the way, I told her to change shirts so her bra straps didnt show but she didnt listen. But she took my advice and washed off the hooker makeup. Looks better, doesnt it?
Nicole. Please come over and lets be BFF. Ill take you to the Olive Garden and fill you up on all- you- can- eat breadsticks. We can flesh out that bony neck in one afternoon of pasta palooza. Carbohydrates are good for you, really. They help stave off that Ethiopian -sponser- a -child look.
Ill help you brush your hair out of hairsprayed submission and Ill even spring for a box of Feria to color your hair back to that lovely red.
We can bide our time together waiting for the botox to wear off and in the meantime, Ill knit you some mittens for your hands. Your fingers look so long, skinny and red. Are they chapped from being in the cool interior of the plastic surgeons office?
Just in case you want to see what I look like, here I am with a friend. That friend may or may not be Jocelyn Wildenstein. It also may or may not be Courtney Love, fresh from a facelift in Tijuana. It also may or may not be a kibuki mask.
Like my grandpappy used to say, you cant fix a messy life with botox or cheek implants. Or was that a quote from Joan Rivers?
 Jessica Simpson and her dad just make me feel...yuck. Look how shes cuddled against him. I dont want to say anymore but...that relationship seems kind of strange. 
Mary Kate. I'm glad you are doing better. But dressing like an old, retired ballet teacher isnt helping your look. Im almost waiting for you to tap your cane and tell me I have to pay in sweat, now get into first position, Leroy!
A grandpa cardigan, knitted scarf and gargantuan skirt doesnt scream "billion dollar fashionista!" In fact the skirt makes me concerned that perhaps Bob Saget or Dave Coulier is hiding under there.
The head wrap?The big glasses? We still know who you are. And the red slippers? To be worn inside, not on a cold New York street. Your feet are too bony, you need some WigWams. By the way, is Ashley in your purse?
Ashlee "Lip sync-er " Simpson
I used to have a sweater like that back in the 80's. I took it from my fathers closet and also wore a tie. Then again I wasnt a "pop star" so rummaging through his closet was acceptable.Wearing this when you are a millionaire is not. You must have stylist and please do not tell me its your dad.
The jet black hair is the color of the crows that land in my backyard, the lipstick looks like my dogs black lips. That hair is flat, her stomach is showing and what, two camel toes on one page? (see Juliette Lewis).
Ashlee, please hire someone and update your style. Lets go buy some cool jeans and funky tops. You can still be 'cool' and 'punk' without looking like the torso of an old man.
PS. I like you better as a blonde.
This is Kyle Richard.
Dont worry, I didn't know who she was either. I thought she looked like a strange hybrid of Demi Moore and Boy George, therefore, worthy of posting here. I dont really care who she is (perhaps a man?) but just look at her!
Paris Hilton.
Launching your new perfume? I wonder how it smells.
sniff sniff.
Oh I know, it smells like money. And dirty bedsheets.
I wish I was an heiress so I could pander cheap perfume. Except mine would smell like gardenias, not dollar bills. And I wouldnt be wearing a gold see- thru dress with a fur wrap and hair extensions. And I wouldnt let sex tapes leak out to the world either. Your parents must be so proud. A tiny dog carried under your armpit, parties every night, sex tapes...perfume...I can see why you are one of the most fascinating people in the world. And did you really sleep with Colin Farrell?
Juliette Lewis.
Do the hustle!
Are you channeling Freddy Mercury? Love the gold pants that just beg to show off a camel toe. And the pants tucked into the boots? Fantastic, but can you get them any tighter? When pants are so tight that people can read your lips...well nevermind.
And the big round gold button on her belly, what happens if you press it? I think she starts dancing, and judging by the look of it, she does The Robot. Hey Jul, be extra careful, the paparazzi might burn their retinas looking at the gleam shooting off those golden pants.
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