Flip flops with sweatpants? And not any sweatpants, the kind that are gathered at the ankle so your leg looks enveloped in a cotton balloon. The kind you wear when you arent going out of the house, when you want to cuddle on your pinky frilly bed and talk on your Hello Kitty phone while drawing hearts on your NSYNC notebook.
And you are wearing a hood? Because..youre cold? But if you were cold, and it was raining, would you really want to be wearing flip flops? But if it was raining you wouldnt be wearing sunglasses, right, because who wears sunglasses in the rain? Nicky Hilton, you are just study in contrasting clothing. Call me, I can help.
Imagine if this was your dad. And then imagine that you grew up and he was in love with you. And you liked him because he was so..neurotic and...whiny. And because the only man a girl can really depend on is her dad. So then you married him and had a baby with him. And then your dad was..your husband. And your husband was your babys father and he was sort of your dad but also your husband. And your mom was still...your mom. But your dad was still your dad but your husband as well. Wierd, isnt it?
Hey y'all! I forgot my bra at home, can ya tell, ya see my boobie? When I left, Cletus, I mean Kevin, was wearing my bra on his head, y'all! We was drinking last night and he passed out with mah bra on his face and his hand in the Cheez Whiz dip. He is like, so cute, y'all.
Anyway, ya like mah coat? Know what I did? I took my Aunt Lynne's wallpaper from her house in Louisiana and had it made into like, a jacket! Like, cool, y'all! So now I can look like mah Aunties dining room wall! Yeah!
Y'all, see my can of Red Bull? It gives me energy and stuff. Because sometimes when I eat Cheetos and Cheese puffs and that cheese that comes in a spray can, I feel so like, you know, tired. But a couple a Red Bulls and I have lots of energy, y'all!
You know when you were a little girl (or..boy) and you had a Barbie doll and you played with the hair? And you washed it and cut it then tried to brush it and it was all wonky and frizzy and before you knew it, you cant get the brush through it?
And so you put a ponytail in the ratty, synthetic hair because there was nothing else you could do? And it turned out looking somewhat like Britneys hair extensions.
Before and afters. Okay Gwyneth, Jared Leto, minor changes. But check out Elizabeth Hurley!
Natural beauty? I think not. Look what some collagen, eye lift, boob job and cheek implants can do! She looks remarkably different, doesnt she?
Y'all! No, really, its okay Britney. Please dont spew! I thought you could hold your liquor? Although US Weekly did just report how your bodyguards had to carry you out of a club. Why such heavy drinking?
Let us pause for a moment and take a look at your makeup. Have you fallen asleep recently in a tanning bed? Did you slip and tumble into a vat of bronzer? Did your two year old stepdaughter line your eyes with a Crayola magic marker? Why so shiny, dont you have your Clean N Clear blotting papers?
I have a feeling Kev gave you that fedora which doesnt match the big Daytona Beach shells you had made into earrings. Any girl in her right mind would never pair sea shells with houndstooth! And a yellow striped shirt? Brit, be honest, were you of sound mind and body when you got dressed? Hmmm. Then whats the excuse for marrying Kev?
Have a Merry Crackmas.
Sometimes little photographic gems like this turn up and no caption is needed. Whitney, that fedora looks marvelous on you. And Bobbi Kristina, wow. The santa cap looks really...nice. Is that Bobby Brown over there in a white tracksuit?
Janet Jackson is actively trying to gain weight for the new year. Like a chipmunk storing nuts in its cheeks, she going into hibernation. Tired of doing 500 situps a day for rock hard abs, Janet says Screw it! and orders a mocha blended with extra sugar and heavy cream.
She sports the latest in Hunting Wear Chic, a plaid flannel jacket with a trucker cap. Thankfully the cap doesnt say anything like "rock out with your boob out". We'll just leave the clever trucker cap sayings to Kev Federline.
Is that a holiday ham strolling on the beach?
No, its just Simon Cowell looking an awful lot like the big ham hock grandma likes to put into her split pea soup.
Teri Hatcher and her daughter, Emerson Rose. Teri's outfit would be okay if she wasnt wearing a gigantic sea urchin around her neck.
It looks as if Teri is being strangled by an octopus. Maybe a deadly sea anemone? Ursula from Little Mermaid?
Or, perhaps Teri is trying out a clown collar for her upcoming stint as a performer in Circus Vargus?
Ahh, yes. Whitney "haggard and anorexic" Houston and Bobby"crack is whack" Brown.
Where have they been?
Well, Ill tell you it wasnt an extended stay at Promises. Is that really a cigarette in your mouth Whitney? Shouldnt you be like, umm, protecting those vocal cords? Is that a beer that Bobby is giving you? Well, I guess youre trying to practice good health and uh, you know, staying off drugs. You look...good, Whitney. Yeah. And we know you were never on drugs. Really. You, an addict, no way!
Hi Minnie Drive! Mins, wanted to let you know I cant wait to see you in Phantom of the Opera. You were really good in Good Will Hunting.
But, honey, whats with the wet poodle hair? Youve got some nice hair, really wavy and long. Such cool curls, but why so kinky and tight?
"Did somone say kinky and tight?"
No, Anna Nicole, I wasnt talking to you. Although now that you mention it, Minnie and Sugar Pie do share the same kind of hair, dont they?
Lets all do like Kirsten Dunst! Who cares about silly things like skin cancer and the damage cigarettes can do to your heart and lungs. Useless organs!
Huh! Smoking and sun bathing are really good for you! Just look how cool she is as she lets that cig dangle from her lip. I mean, havent you seen Britney Spears? Just one look at a girl with skin like beef jerky and a cigarette in hand and I start craving a bottle of Hawaiian Tropic and a Pall Mall.
Okay, I get that its Kimberly Stewart in the front seat of a car, leaving a club.
But what I dont get is Wierd Al Yankovic in the backseat?
*Finally, we get a glimpse at the Federline love-nest.
Brimming with Fruit Loops, Cheetos and Diet Coke, this is the place where barefoot Britney and Kevin "redneck" Federline hang out and work on that baby makin'.
Unfortunately, what isnt visable is the makeshift clothesline hanging out of the side window with Kev's skull caps and manpris hanging on the line, and the cinderblocks that double as emergency parking brakes. Also, you cannot see "Cletus Earl" Federline eating baked beans out of a tin can using a spork or Britney with pink foam curlers in her hair wearing a Wal mart housecoat while BitBit licks himself in the corner.
But the place is fully furnished with retro Coca Cola signs.
Nothing quite spells out l o v e like a trailer parked on the side of the road in Lousiana with a bumper sticker that warns: "If this truck's a rockin, don't come a knockin".
*okay, hard to believe but this isnt the Federlines home. I know, it was so convincing! Its a hot dog place that was doubling as a sex shack! I guess they were selling weiners of a different sort.
See? Ashlee has the Elijah Wood, choppy layered black hair do.
I told you so. I hear shes letting the side burns grow out though so we'll have to be patient while we wait. Meanwhile, her father continues to have no interest in her hair, rather he's more into making comments about Jessica's big DD's.
 Sometimes its just nice to be inside, laying around, watching the E! True Hollywood Story, wearing sweats and no makeup. But then you run out to get the mail (because the maid is busy and your personal assistant is text messaging Drew Barrymores assistant) so you throw on whats handy which is a random coat out of the hall closet and the Uggs you keep in the house to keep your feet warm. And then you pray that no one sees you because seriously, sweats and Uggs and a big coat? But as we know, Cher has no shame. So as she goes shopping in Beverly Hills, she chooses to wear the very outfit I reserve for around the house on a rainy day.
Yes, it is.
That is Hugh Grant sitting on a giant banana in the middle of the Bahamas.
Now whenever you see Hugh in a movie, I want to encourage you to think of him straddling a big yellow banana. And if that doesnt bring a smile to your face, I dont know what will.
Well, you cannot possibly have a dog without buying it accessories like a little red Santa hat trimmed in fur! Maybe Pammy is trying to...make the dog appear...cute? Because its really not. Its little and hairless and shivering and nervous and bug eyed. And those kinds of dogs are really only 'cute' in a very ugly kind of way, if you know what I mean.
However, Pam realizes that youve got to keep the dog clothed. Paris Hilton always has her dog dressed in Gucci and Britney keeps little Bit-Bit in diamonds and tutus.
She just had to rush out and buy her new pup a coat and mini boots with a matching belt and handbag. But maybe Pam should be touching up her roots and buying a shirt that actually covers her belly instead.
No, thats not Sargent Pepper. Its lovable little Frodo, also known as Elijah Wood.
He's going undercover as a member of The Beatles. Pretty convincing, isnt he? The faux military shirt gives him a certain appeal, wouldnt you say? Very punkish and tough...bahahaha!
I think its the hair that really drives it home. Bangs with layers and jet black in color, looks a bit like Ashlee Simpson.
What I really dig is the extra long side burns. When he gets his hair cut, he directs Jose Eber to take a little off the sides and back but "leave a long strip of hair along the sides".
Is that Courtney Love? Jocelyn Windenstein?
No, you arent going to believe this. Its Deborah "Shake Your Love" Gibson.
Shes either just heard something side splittingly funny or wants you to see her teeth. Quite possibly, shes scaring little children. But I think shes trying to pass a kidney stone.
Since when did Brandy become part of a gang? Whats with the sign language and the 'dont mess wit me' expresion on her face? What does that backwards 'okay' sign mean? Is that some kind of inner city speak? Because I havent a clue what it means, then again Im not really up on gangsta language.
Bright orange clothing and accessories? Hello! A little much. My mah jong playing Aunt Minky likes to wear big plastic earrings just like the ones Brandy is wearing. I suggest pairing the bright orange with a more subdued blue, rather than looking like a Skittle.
How about the glow around Brandys hairline, is that from hair extensions? Tell me that Afro wasnt fo' real! And why does her boyfriend have the top of her pantyhose over his head? Whats with the phallic symbol around her neck? So many questions for Brandy.
Thank goodness for Anna Nicole Smith, a picture of good taste and perfect lipstick application.
I cant say anything that hasnt been said about the arms over head stance and her overflowing bosom, or her TrimSpa skinny body. But the smeared lipstick all over her face suggests she missed her lips completely with her Wet N' Wild, and painted her chin and cheeks pink after downing a fifth of Wild Turkey and doing jello shots from Bobby Trendys belly button.
OR maybe she fell into a pile of men and had to kiss her way out? Either way, get yourself to a mirror Anna and fix your face!
A classic photo of Britney, who tells us its okay to wear a skirt that falls below your public hair line. And its all right not to wash your hair for a couple of days at a time. And its nice to show off your purple underwear while wearing a floor length red skirt, perfect for a modern day gypsy like Brit.
Its acceptable to walk around as if youre half drunk and stoned out of your mind, smoking Virginia Slims.
And its a really good idea, if your doctor tells you to wear flip flops or Uggs due to your knee surgery, to blow off his instructions and not wear anything on your feet at all except the millions of viral germs crawling all over the cold, dirty, restroom floor of a gas station bathroom.
This is Hugh Grants girlfriend, Jemima Khan.
Poor Jemima! I guess Hugh doesnt allow her to eat. Look at how thin her legs are, like pipe cleaners!
Hugh, would you please buy your girlfriend a steak dinner and a loaded baked potato? Eeek. She clearly suffers from Lara Flynn Boyle-itis. This epidemic must be stopped! Whats wrong with having a little junk in da trunk?
What a guy! Kevin Federline, Mr. Britney Spears, does the food shopping for the family.
Dressed in his signature white skull cap and extra large, baggy track pants, he braves the overcast weather to fill the cart with treats for his wife.
Included in his purchases are such gourmet treats as ice cream, Cheetos, Fruit Loops and Coke. What, you thought they had people to shop for them? hahaha!
And what else? You thought they ate things like organic fruits and vegtables and fresh fish caught off the coast of Alaska and shipped to their Malibu home, prepared by a world famous chef? You really thought they ate caviar and drank Cristal? Nah, not them Federlines. They just down home folks. Nothin' but junk food and soda pop for them!
Ashley, remember when we walked through JCPenney, just to "see how the other half lived"?
Well, I didnt expect you to take a drape from the home furnishings department and fashion it into a floor length caftan!
And pairing it with a tomato red cardigan and mardi gras beads? And a snow white leather bag with brown sandals? Nothing matches! Its artsy! Its Mary Kate-ish! You've got guts, kid.
Hey Pam, its you again!
This time I see you dont have a guy with you but you have a new puppy, exactly like the petite Chihuahua Britney is carrying around tucked into her cleavage.
Congrats on being a new mommy to a mini hairless pup that will no doubt be toted around in some kind of high end carry-all with diamonds around his/her neck and tiny Uggs on his feet. Tell me, what is it like to own an animal thats smaller in size than one of your boobs?
Gee, I feel like Im missing out on a trend. I better go out and purchase a portable dog so I can put it in my purse and dress it up. Or maybe a biracial child. Either one, both are trends du jour in Hollywood.
AHOY MATEY!
Pam, so we meet again.
Is that Stephen Dorff? I thought you were dating a model? And wasnt there a football player in there somewhere? What about Tommy Lee?
Well, what you do in your pirvate life is your business. Free love for all! But how do your boys feel about the steady parade of men?
Lets talk about your bathing suit, or lack of. Two strips of violet cloth across your chest dont really make up even a bikini. I have band aids bigger than that. And whoa, flourescent pink? I havent seen that color since 1990.
There really is something to be said for modesty. How about a nice black one piece? Have you looked through a Lands End catalogue? (Didnt think so) They offer some lovely suits with lots of coverage. You might consider checking it out.
Hey y'all!
Nothing like a little Brit and Kev to complete a holiday weekend. Mrs. Federline looks okay but is Kevin going bald, is that why hes always wearing a hat? This one looks like a q-tip on his head.
Another undershirt? Kevin, doesnt Brit let you shop at Abercrombie? Get a real shirt please, maybe something with a collar. And the baggie pants with the crotch down to your knees, do you think youre Snoop Dog (a side note, didnt Britney make out with Snoop, yeah! For shizzle!) Arent those large pants rather breezy?
On the up side, its been how many months and the two of you are still married? You know, chicken fingers and Cheetoes are the glue that keeps the marriage together. Congrats on the accomplishment!
Ben, sorry you have to hide your face when you run into a West Virginia Starbucks. Did you think you could order your Venti latte without being photgraphed? Sorry.
But while I have your attention, wait...are those Uggs that youre wearing? No, really, Ben, Uggs? Are you sure you dont want to wear something else, like Doc Martens or Timberland boots? Uggs? How about wool socks and a pair of sneakers?
I really detest Uggs on men. Is Jen really okay with that fashion choice? You know, La Lopez would have never let you wear those out in public.
Renee, I think a tubleweed being blown across the desert weighs more than you, my friend!
You know you have nothing to prove. We are aware that you are able to go from super skinny to chubby back to skinny and then all the way to looking like a walking skeleton. You dont have to keep losing weight, hon.
I can guess whats in your Starbucks cup: a fat free, sugar free, caffeine free, whipped cream free, non-fat soy latte. Next time, please get yourself a Venti full fat mocha with a scone and butter.
Last time we were out together, Renee, and you only licked an ice cube and nibbled on a piece of lettuce, I went home feeling terrible. After all, I ate my entire meal and then licked my dessert plate clean. If you want to hang out, youre going to have to gain some weight, okay? I cant take the embarrassment of being the only one in our friendship who actually consumes calories.
How much do you want to bet that after viewing this photo of herself, Katie Couric immediately took an NBC limo to her plastic surgeons office where he filled in every visable line and winkle with a botox/collagen cocktail?
Jen and Ben on Christmas day.
It must be really quite a drag to go out for a walk after a holiday dinner and think you're alone, then hear the branches rustle and the click of a camera.
Sorry guys! But since I have your attention, Jen are you really pregnant?
This photo of Paris Hilton reminds me of my crazy old Aunt Ethel who, at a family party, wore a tree skirt around her shoulders like a cape and drank too much egg nog, thus prompting a spirited rendition of Christmas songs while trying to smoke a Hickory Farms salami.
Paris, why are you dressed like an old, drunken broad? Oh dear, those mukluks have got to go! I know they keep your size 11 feet toasty warm and maybe, maybe with a pair of jeans it would be passable in Aspen, but not in this photo.
Is that a bathroom robe you are wearing as a coat? Even though its a nice, thick, cotton- terry cloth blend, you should not be wearing the complimentary robe from the Four Seasons, no matter how chic you think it is.
And the baggy white sweat pants tucked into the boots? What did I tell you about that? Fashion DON'T, Paris.
That fedora, oversized glasses..no and no! That gigantic pink purse makes me wonder if Lindsay Lohan might be folded up in there like a circus clown.
For someone with all the money in the world, the billion dollar heiress, dressing like my Aunt Ethel is NOT a good thing. Rethink your outfit and get back to me, Paris. Ever hear of jeans and a sweater? A blazer and pants?
Tell daddy to hire you a stylist. Im available...
Nicolette, in that atrocity, you should be laying on the couch munching on chips and watching reruns of Newlyweds, not going out in public! That's pretty much the exact outfit my cleaning lady wears except she insists on donning undergarments, much to my appreciation.
Did you just get out of bed and throw on some sweats, (like Paris Hilton, see below) forgetting two important pieces of clothing: bra and underwear?
No doubt you have a nice body, (and nothing is left to the imagination in those pink sweats, trust me) but even the best figure will resemble sausage casing when wearing pants tight across the thighs, buttocks and crotch.
And even the most awesome set of implants should not be allowed to swing free under the Flashdance, ripped neck, off the shoulder, shirt.
Honey, it wouldn't surprise me if you weren't wearing socks either, why bother?
Remember this important piece of advice: even when running to the 7-11 for a slurpee, thinking no one is going to see you, please dress appropriately because rest assured, someone will see you and your photo will be splashed all over the internet faster than you can say 'bra and underpants'!
Gary Coleman...thank goodness. I was just wondering were this loveable, pint sized hunk of dark chocolate went!
I was hoping that since his turn on The Surreal Life, he was getting work.
"Wha' choo talkin' 'bout Willis?" became the catch phrase for a generation and since then, where has Arnold Drummond been? I did hear he was doing phone sex work, but I see that might not have panned out and what a pity.
Wouldnt you want to pick up the phone and hear his silky voice? I heard it over the radio and he said something like this: "You wanna ride my train, baby? You wanna get on my choo choo?"
Ummm, let me think about that. No.
But now, his career has skyrocketed! Pleading on cable tv to use CashCall, Id say thats a sure sign that his career is resurrected.
Nicole Kidman wants to let you know shes not anorexic and not suffering from a disease where her skin and her hair match.
She is out at a Lakers game with her two children, Connor and Isabel. Thats nice. I gues Tom Cruise is busy at the Celebrity Scientology Center with Jenna Elfman and Kirstie Alley, so he couldnt make the game.
I dont know for sure but Ive heard the rumor where Nic was on a plane and yelling and screaming at her nanny to keep the kids away from her. Oh well, its Christmas and it looks like shes making up for lost time.
PS, Nic, Id love to see you with that red hair again! Call me and Ill direct you to a salon.
 This is Alicia Arden. I dont know who she is or why we should care, but look at her holiday spirit! Shes out shopping in this photo and I know when I find a good deal, I kick my heels up and do a jig all the way down Robertson Blvd! Yee haw!
Paris, just a quick reminder that Ive got a loaf of challah bread from that bakery off Wilshire, darling. You might need it to help add a little cushion to your hiney. Lets add some buttah and a gallon of ice cream and call it a meal.
Also, kick boxing for us as of January 1st! Lets get you some booty, your pants are falling down with nothing to hold them up. Your buttress is non existant, dear. Just for you, Ill pull out my bootleg copy of A Night In Paris and view your other body parts, Ill let you know what else you should work on, but for now, lets just say your butt.
While Nicky kicks the nicotine habit, why dont you lay off the Colon Blow for a while? You are too skinny! Oh and the pants tucked into the boots? Uh, no! Okay, thats all!
Nicky!
Like, hi! I just saw Paris, why arent you shopping together?
I dont want to spoil anything for you, but I did manage to get that Nicorette gum for you, arent you looking forward to kicking your little 'habit'? Smoking is so over, Nicky. Mother and Father Hilton will be so happy when you dont come home stinking like a college frat house.
Things that are like, so passe are:
1.) Quicky Vegas marriages that only last two months
and
2.) Smelling like stale cigarette smoke. I know how guys hate kissing a girl that reeks like the tail pipe of an eighteen wheeler.
3.) Being friends with Tara Reid (just kidding, hon! Love her!)
Please tell me theres something in that Prada bag for moi.
(air kiss)
Paris Hilton.
Hey little Raggedy bedhead!
I see your out shopping with your oversize "hangover" glasses. A little last minute Christmas shopping?
I just wanted to remind you that I do love Calvin Klein but am partial to Betsey Johnson dresses. If you are going to buy me anything Juicy, get me a small. If youre going couture, you better stick with a size 4. My shoes, as you know, are 7.5. If you want to buy makeup, I love Benefit.
Remember last Christmas when all I got (not to sound ungrateful or anything) was a coupon for an overnight stay at a Hilton hotel and a bar of Godiva chocolate? Yeah, I was hoping for something a little grander this year. That was sort of like getting tires from Andrew Firestone.
Anyhoo, I saw some really cute, cute items that I would at Kitson and some Marc Jacobs clothes at Fred Segal. If you want to go retro, feel free to spend, I dont know, a couple thousand at Wasteland on some vintage items. Its up to you.
Thanks Paris, youre the best! ((air kiss))
You know Pam, you really need to start wearing other shirts, people are going to think all you own is one wife beater (see Kevin Federline).
Sure, a sleeveless white tee is really a staple in any womans closet. But worn alone, over and over...and over again, people are going to start talking, honey. Like maybe youre in financial trouble and cant afford anything but a little boys Hanes 3 pack.
And is that..no, really..can't be..camel toe? And a wife beater!? Really, are you sure you want to go out like that?
And since Im on a roll, I can see your bra through the shirt, you know that fabric is awfully thin. Thats why its called an undershirt.
Is that an oversize tortilla on your head? Are you trying to hide? Because with that body theres no going incognito. Who else has DD's and a size zero body?
But I want to compliment you on the necklaces, I do like those. And since we such good buds, I wont say anything else.
Hello Kate and Orlando.
Kate, that purse is bigger than you are. Get yourself a loaf of Italian bread, a bowl of olive oil and have at it. Remember, carbohydrates want to keep your body warm so you dont look like a corpse. You look...like you are heading to Lindsay/MaryKate town. Didnt Kevin Spacey teach you anything? EAT.
And Orlando, did you think you were safe from my sarcastic wit? No. You remind me of Indiana Jones- the large fedora, the scarf, the brown jacket, all point to the Search for a Belt. Psst. Your pants are falling down, 'lando!
One more thing. Kate, that color eye shadow is not flattering. Just remember these two things: carbo load and no yellowy bronze shadow. See? Isnt that much better?
Bjork? Byuck!
Here we have the "pop star" wrapped in the insulation that is found around my hot water heater, paired with multi colored prismatic pants resembling Christmas lights on slacks.
Socks, courtesty of Where's Waldo. Flats, probably Prada, but look more like Payless. Sateen purse direct from Davids Bridals.
Who knew Bjork could be such a trendsetter? I swear after that swan around her neck at the awards show a few years ago, I thought she would never redeem herself but look here! Oh, wait, she still looks horrible. Nevermind.
 A couple of images from this past year to warm the heart on Christmas Eve. Weve got Paris "Dirty bedsheets" Hilton vs. Tara "Booger sugar" Reid in the battle of the Flash of the Privates. Yee haw! Let the fight begin. Girls, we are going to be watching you closely in 2005, dont worry. Your every sick and twisted porn tape, red nostrils and rumors will be documented right here! I, for one, cant wait!
 This photo of Liv Tyler and her new baby....awwwwwwww!
Please enjoy this photo of Britney Spears one more time.
Nothing needs to be said, a picture is worth a thousand words. Some of them: greasy, dirty, barefoot, gas station bathroom, Kevin/Cletus, Cheetoes, Red Bull, BitBit, cigarettes, trucker caps, tee shirts with messages on them, pimple cream, pimps 'n maids, Las Vegas, oops!, sweat rings, body odor, manpris...
and the list goes on...
Is that the universal sign for choking? Because if it is, we've caught Courtney Love as she gags on her Starbucks Frappucino.
What can be said about our favorite, lovable dramatic druggie that hasnt already been said a hundred times over? From the bleached hair to the dark roots down to the cherry red lipstick overshooting her mouth by a quarter of an inch, we've all grown to enjoy her antics and her odd choice of fashion.
I predict a coupling of Courtney and Paris in the year 2005. Or Courtney and Tara. Maybe Courtney and Lindsay?
Liz Hurley, on the way to Victoria 'Posh Spice' and David Beckham's sons baptism.
I dont know about you, but when Im going to church, especially where children are involved, I like to dress in my most low cut gown to show off my cleavage.
Highly appropriate in a place of worship, isnt it? To appear not so terribly sexy, I also enjoy covering my shoulders in white rabbit fur. I find that it really makes me seem somehow, serious and reserved while the congregation is able to view my breasts. Its nice to see Liz shares my view of how to dress while going to church. Nothing says somber like some tits and fur..wink, wink.
Fergie, how many times do I have to tell you not to drape the pelts of dead animals around your neck? Somehow, somewhere, sometime, Pamela Anderson might spring out from behind you with a can of red paint and a flyer for PETA, so be prepared.
Fur plus plaid, add a couple of braids, a leather newsboy cap..you are a mish-mosh of fashion mishaps! Pointy stilettos that could poke out an eye or a crotch, depending on the situation...oh and that draws me to notice those pants are too long. Or maybe you are trying to cover your shoes? Anyway...good news...something can be done about this.
See Fergarama, theres this thing called a needle and with it is thread and used together, quite an amazing thing happens...through the magic of sewing, your pants become slightly shorter thus allowing you to walk without the fear of tripping over the ends of your pants. Quite something, isnt it?
Regina King, you are a great actress. But your clothes...not so great.
The top of your dress- is it a dress?- says Seventy Six Trombones! Im waiting to see you pull out your band hat, whip out a drum and start marching down the street.
Then we move down a little further and the band jacket parts to reveal some leopard print and a short skirt yet the jacket/overcoat doesnt end. The pattern reappears in what seems to be cuffs.
Im left feeling confused, and rather disappointed, because I really do love a good marching band.
Wow, Puff Daddy/P. Diddy/Sean John/Sean "Puffy" Combs...I dont know what to call you or why you change your name all the time, but listen, thanks for the heads up.
When I saw your shirt, I wet my pants in fear. Then I quickly raced to my voting booth and voted. Until that day, I lived in panic that you would look through the voter registrations and find me, hunt me down and (gulp!) kill me! Well, thats the message your shirt sends.
Really had my knickers in a twist there, Puffy. Please dont threaten death again. It caused me to enter into a month of therapy and sent Jennifer Lopez to the alter again.
Imagine this if you will...Leelee riding a bike with that wicked witch music playing from the Wizard of Oz...cant you see it, complete with monkeys flying and Leelee cackling and saying "Im going to get you my pretty...hahahaha!"
Leelee, the top hat, (please tell me thats not a bird on your shoulder, I couldn't take it) the satiny shirt of 1987 with mutton chop sleeves..skinny black belt, a brooch?..the pants, the shoes, are those knee high panty hose in 'smoky haze'?
Not to say anything of the wilted black flower pinned above your breast.
((I cover my eyes in shame and embarrassment on her behalf)).
Eww. Lenny Kravitz? More like Lenny Krav shitz.
Whats going on there, Len? Dude, what up with the Pocahontas poncho wrapped under your arm pit? Were you in the Battle of Little Bighorn? Should we be calling you Chief AreYouGonnaGoMyWay?
Lenny, if I could ask you to do a rain dance, we could really use a little sprinkle here in SoCal. Nothing to monsoon-ish, though. If you got together with Paris Hilton, she could lend you her Muk-luk Minnetonka mocassins and then your outfit would really be complete.
The vest and the poncho makes some kind of statement, I just dont know what youre trying to say? come back to my teepee and lets smoke some peyote?
 Hi Angelina. Im just reminding you Im here. Unfortunatly, standing in the shadow of your beauty, I might feel like the woman on your right (my right, your left) by comparison. Maybe its better we dont meet...
Brigitte, may I suggest a bra for those breasts that float around like moons circling the planet Brigitte?
I havent seen breast implants this obvious since Courtney Love flashed me at a club in New York City where you have to know a certain hand signal to be allowed in. When I saw the lumpy ridges of the implant, I was like, "Courtney, please dont do that! My eyes!" and now I once again my pupils are punished by having to view the stamped date of her Dow Corning bags.
Brig, might I suggest, besides a very sturdy bra, smaller implants that arent so obvious? And maybe a slightly...less harsh hair style so that you dont look like a Viking?
John Mayer, Jon Bon Jovi and Rob Thomas.
Is it me or does John M. look three times as big as Jon Bon Jovi and Rob Thomas?
And does Jon BJ's head look as long and large as a horses, and his hair looks extremely feathered and highlighted- also known as Porn Star hair? His hips look teeny too. I didnt know he was such a little peanut. awww!
I didnt realize John Mayer was so...big. Hmmm. All of the sudden Im his biggest fan.
 Lindsay..again! Please stay out of Mystic Tan and the tanning beds over at that place on Sunset. You look like a hot dog thats been left | 
